The Soldier's Crazy Rants
“Listen up, cake-babies! A robot army is coming to kill us! Lucky for you peach pies, I always knew this day would come – and I have been preparing for it! I have studied robots for years! I once stared at a toaster for three months to get into the minds of these monsters! And there are three things I know for sure. They are smarter than us! They are stronger than us! And they can make toast.”
“But if there is one thing we can do that these machines cannot, it is this: we can lie! We will lie to them on the beaches! We will lie to them in the beach parking lot! We may even lie to them on non-beach-related property! About the quality of our munitions! About the strength of our will! We will even lie about lying! That is how deep this rabbit hole goes! But the most important lie we will tell is this: Where the Mann Co. facilities are!”
“These rusty bags of cans have been programmed to attack all things Mann Co.! That is why we are here today, in front of this perfectly normal Mann Co. facility! But look closer! It is not an actual Mann Co. facility. I made it myself, using nothing but sweat and deception and lie-paint! We will lure the robots to this house of lies, and we will destroy them with our very real weapons and whatever it is the Scout does!”
“Now we are in a predicament me, there are 12 of us in all…well 11 and a half if you believe the scout is truly , sorry squirt, NOT A MAN! It is our duty to defend this spot and kill as many of them as possible! SHUSH NOW MAGGOT! I don’t know if someone had taught the robots how to lie, but I know for sure they if you are a robot and you lie you little purple sack of pony you will be COURT MARSHALLED! MEN WE HAVE LIMITED TIME, TIME FOR THE BATTLE PLAN!”
“What’s your name now maggot? Twilight Sparkle? What did you do now? You help your friends with magic? You saved your town with this magic? You know how to make a magnetic force field with MAGIC!? YOUNG LADY MAGIC IS NOT IN MY DICTIONARY, AND I USE THE MOST AMERICAN DICTIONARY IN THE HISTORY OF DICTIONARY, WRITTEN BY GEORGE WASHINGTON HIMSELF USING THE BLOOD OF KING GEORGE THE THIRD! You might be magic, and I might be wrong, but for now I will give you the AMERICAN way to fight, here is a sniper rifle! There are many like it, but I only have one…SO CHERISH IT!”
“While studying the toaster for 3 months straight, I learned something very important. Toasters are made of something called metal! And metal is strong! But if you stick, let’s say…a fork in a toaster, what happens? The toaster becomes the toast! What did you say? There is fault in my statement? Well let’s see, here is what I call a Sapper, take this ski mask and this knife and go nuts on those robot commies! What did you call this thousand dollar weapon of war? METAL!? YOUNG LADY YOU WILL BACKSTAB THESE ROBOTS LIKE ANY PROFESSIONAL SPY AND YOU WILL SAP THEM, END OF STORY! I am counting on you madame Marshmellow! Good luck!”
“Well you look like a true hard working American! What do you do for a living mam!? Apples, you say? The most American fruit of all, perfect. You seem to have a knack for fruit, so my friend here will teach you how to make machine guns! What was your GPA? You don’t know what a GPA is? GOOD, neither do I, you will do just fine!”
“What is your profession you pathetic sack of pink fur!? Baker? I am very well-educated, thus I know bakers must bake! Know what is normally used with baking? FIRE, I want you to roast those blood-crazed robots like a true American! Be a true patriot and burn there metal with this deadly weapon! A protective suit you say? NEGATIVE! A party you say? NEGATIVE! A party after a victory you say? POSSIBLE!"
“I couldn’t help but notice you have wings hon! You must be pretty damn fast! Faster than any scout from BOSTON!? I want you to be our recon expert! I do not want you to only recon, or only be an expert though! I WANT YOU TO BE OUR FASTEST UNIT, ILL CALL YOU THE SCOUT! What did you say twinkle toes? Fine, young man, we will call you The Scout VERSION 2! What is that you say? You have terrible depth perception! HA! Depth perception is only for cowards, commies, AND THE FRENCH! YOU WILL DO AS ORDERED AND AS ORDERED! ARE THERE NO QUESTIONS!? GOOD!"
“YOU DO WHAT FOR A LIVING!? I know you are a cuddly cute little pony, but only sissies take care of cute little woodland creatures for a living! Medicine you say? We only need 1 medic on this team, and he is right there! I am good at telling faces and I can tell you are a tad weak, and a tad timid- BUT THAT WILL NOT STOP YOU FROM HOLDING THIS 400 POUND MINIGUN! YOU DON’T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE!? Good, because robots aren’t people! Now take this, and do your job private peachy fruit! I know peach pies with more fight then you! I KNOW TOASERS WITH MORE PEACH PIE THEN YOUR FIGHT! I am not making sense you say? Well I truly believe I am speaking in the right manner, perhaps you should learn to speak like a human! WHAT IS THAT!? YOU WOULD PREFER TO JUST SIT THIS OUT, IF YOU ASK THAT AGAIN I WILL TIE YOU TO A STAKE AND LEAVE YOU OUT TO DRY MADAM! THAT IS AN ORDER; KILL THE ROBOTS LIKE A MAN! YOU’RE NOT A MAN!? WELL NOW YOU ARE!”
“Gentlemen, our newfound friends will handle themselves; we must fight like the men we are! Any questions MAGGOTS!?”
Fluttershy raised her hand “Do I really need to carry this?”
“YES YOU DO!”
“Disssssssmissed!”
Mane Vs Machine Vs Hale Vs Gaben Vs Server Connection Vs Estimated Wait Time
“BATTLE STATIONS, BATTLE STATIONS MAGGOTS. WE WILL SHOW THESE BLOOD THIRSTY ROBOTS WHO IS THE BOSS!” The soldier shouted, running into what will soon be the heat of battle with all of his bravado.
What. The. Buck. Twilight Sparkle though, she had only minutes ago been sent by Princess Celestia to go back in time to save the day and save Celestia’s true love from mortal life, but now she had been given a sniper rifle by a crazed patriotic soldier and told to defend a run-down old warehouse, believed to be “hidden” as the true headquarters of “Mann. Co”.
“Mann. Co is under attack, defend this position!” A mysterious voice called out; already in front of her were the 6 what she believed to be mercenaries. There was 1 carrying a massive minigun, 1 sprinting at the speed of light, another one drinking whiskey out of a bottle, one carrying a medigun, and of course the soldier. Behind her were here 5 friends, Rarity with her sapper and knife, Fluttershy having trouble lugging around the 400 pound gun, Rainbow Dash carrying a baseball bat, Pinkie Pie holding the flamethrower, and Applejack creating a sentry gun.
“A…AJ how did you do that?” Twilight asked
“Good question” The cow pony said before scooping up the finished product and rushing over the bridge “Let’s go!”
“Come on mares, we can do this!” Twilight Sparkle said with a sense of enthusiasm. They could do this!
“LET’S GO!” Rainbow Dash screamed, flying at ground level over the bridge, Rarity followed with Pinkie Pie at her side, Twilight went running after them.
“Um guys?” Fluttershy asked looking helplessly at the massive gun, almost bigger than her “Little help?”
“AAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!” The Soldier shrieked, bringing down his equalizer down into another robotic cranium. From behind him, a red grenade was lobbed into the sky, flushing out the sun for the briefest moment before landing right in front of a pyro robot; it exploded into bits and pieces on the spot.
“Go! Go! Go!” The soldier screamed, firing his rocket into the crowd of rushing robotic runners “PRIVATE RAINBOW DASH! YOU ARE ON MONEY PATROL, PICK UP THE MONEY TO SPEND ON UPGRADES! IMMIDEATLY!”
“Sir yes sir!” Rainbow Dash answered, running past the soldier, on the way she swung her bat and connected with another scout, but she misaimed the shot and fell into the dirt. Instantly 20 robotic runners were on her, pummeling her with titanium baseball bats.
“O MY GOD DASHIE NOOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight cried, tears quickly formed as she helplessly watched as her friend was mercilessly beaten to death.
“O relax cutie pie! She will respawn!” The soldier said as the attackers finished off the helpless Pegasi The Soldier fired off his shotgun into the crowd, taking down a few. A hailstorm of minigun fire came and battered the ground, making all the remaining robots shutter and fall to pieces.
“Oww that hurt!” Rainbow Dash wailed, no one gave her any sympathy except her close friends
“O boohoo cry baby! Now pick up that money and do your job soldier!” The Soldier ordered in his customary gruff manner
“PRIVATE APPLEJACK! How is that teleporter coming?”
“Ahh what teleporter-sir?” Applejack asked
“Maggot your job is to provide sentry guns and make a teleporter! You didn’t even make a respectable sentry gun! You call this a sentry gun you sissy? Look at The Engineer’s sentry gun! It has rockets! Your sentry gun barely has a barrel! What kind of American are you!?”
“An American Farmer?” Applejack asked
“Fine! It does matter, we have wasted the 2 minutes necessary to get upgrades, we will need to endure this next wave! SADDLE UP MAGGOTS; WE HAVE SOME TIN CANS TO KICK!”
The next attack came like a wave; soldier’s rockets blanketed the air and sent soldiers flying. Rainbow Dash ate a rocket and went exploding backwards.
“YOU PANSY, GET UP AND KEEP FIGHTING!” The Soldier screamed at Rainbow Dash’s lifeless corpse, Twilight absorbed. Bang! From the side of her a robot soldier was firing off a rocket! Twilight quickly ducked but soon realized ducking proved to be no solution, as she turned around to aim at the soldier she saw a white blur backstab the robot, sending him down to the ground.
“Rarity?” Twilight asked, wishing she could jump onto the cliff that was sadly not connected to the roof she was on and hug her savior.
“Hello Darling! Good to see you are still alive and well, I do have to say that the Soldier really knew my weapon, the sapper is very interesting to use and well the knife, let’s say is a real prick to these robots.
Just then the announcer’s feminine voice came back “Round’s over, get some upgrades!”
Without another word the 2 hurried back towards where they had begun, in front of them were two doors, one on there right and one on their left, each having areas to upgrade their weapons. In the middle was Fluttershy, she was pulling with all her might trying to get the heavy minigun off the ground.
“O im so glad you two didn’t forget about me!” Fluttershy said, Twilight and Rarity hurried past the stationary yellow Pegasus and made their way into the right upgrade depot. The Soldier was addressing the group.
“Sir I did what ya told me and I got the two way teleporter upgrade sir!” Applejack said
“Good job! If I was your CO I’d give you a promotion, where is your teleporter?” The soldier said
“My what now?” Applejack asked, The Soldier gave a half-sigh half grunt.
“O bloody hell we have a tank next round” The demoman muttered quickly before discharging a burp.
“Exactly, everyone must contribute if we want to destroy this hell on wheels, battle stations maggots!” The Soldier screamed, charging out into the battle zone. Twilight and her friends rushed towards into the fields of battle with the rest of the crew. In front of them a metal monster erupted from the cave below where the enemies appeared. It had no windows, no guns, just metal armor.
“CHARGE!” The Soldier ordered, instantly the entire team 12 strong rushed towards the slowly progressing tank, Rainbow Dash ran right into it, slipped, and was crushed by one of the tracks, The Soldier instantly unleashed a fusillade of rockets onto the attacker.
From beyond by the sawn Fluttershy could hear her comrades in distress
“I have to help them!” She said, she knew what she had to do.
“I am all out of ammo! Private Applejack where is your dispenser!?” The Soldier questioned
“Ma what now?” Applejack asked
“Why my gun no shoot!?” The heavy screamed
From behind a single grenade landed and exploded, blasting the tank into pieces, the round was over.
“How was that?” Fluttershy asked. The Soldier turned around, Fluttershy was carrying the (Although somewhat cumbersome) grenade launcher and had a eye patch over 1 eye, she had several bandoliers on and a snug looking black cap.
“What is this Private Fluttershy!? You were given direct orders to be a heavy, and a heavy you shall stay! We only need one demoman and he is right here, am I right Scottie?”
“Yea! Plus ye look pretty damn sexy” The demoman slurred
“Return to heavy private Fluttershy or you will suffer the consequences! “ The Soldier threatened. All of Fluttershy’s past bravado was now gone, she gave a slight whimpered and turned back to her heavy ways. She frowned at the 400 pound minigun “I hate you” she muttered
The next 4 waves came and went. All the while the team of 12 fought off savage robots, Rainbow Dash was killed a further 10 times and the rest of the team endured casualties. Rarity got dust in her mane and Applejack endured further brain trauma. A super soldier unleashed a hailstorm of critical rockets that flattened most of the team. The demoman got liver failure and Fluttershy still couldn’t move her gun.
“O my gosh I hate this!” Rainbow Dash whined “Soldier, can I change to…a soldier or something?”
“Absolutely not! We have one round left; your duty is to collect money and nothing more! Besides, this team only needs one soldier! ME!” The Soldier said, Rainbow Dash gave out a huff, she was going to be a soldier no matter if this jerk liked it or not.
“Hello boys!” A voice called out from above, everyone looked around. Twilight could sense this was out of the ordinary, all of the mercs were looking around unsure of where the voice came from.
“it is I, Gabe Newell, your creator!”
“GABEN!” The Soldier muttered “Get out of here, you disgrace Mann Co. with your Gaben ways!”
“O little Soldier, you don’t know what I have in store for all of you” Gaben said with a demonic laugh “Starting now respawn is off”
Rainbow Dash has committed suicide
The Soldier turned around to see RD lying face down in the ground, a fallen soldier. The Soldier wanted to make sure RD would always be remembered as the scout, the pansy scout who failed to listen to orders!
“Good luck”
“Final wave!” The announcer shouted
Twilight’s mouth fell ajar, 2 tanks and pyro + spy support.
“LETS DO IT!” The demoman screamed
A 2nd tank shattered through where the first tank had appeared, the entire team unleashed all of their firepower onto the beast.
“Keep up the fire!” The Soldier hollered
“Go! Go! Go!” The Soldier said, The Soldier turned around, he didn’t say that.
“Lookie what we have here, a robot soldier, give me one reason why I shouldn’t turn you into scrap metal?” The soldier asked
“What did you just say maggot?” The robo-soldier asked
“Maggot you got to learn a lot more about verbal abuse” The Soldier said with a chuckle
“BIG TANK IS GOING TO REACH BOMB!” The Heavy screamed, swerving around to unleash fire on the 2nd tank.
“You are quite the maggot aren’t you?” robo-soldier asked
“You’re the maggot you damn commie!” The soldier shouted
“You’re the commie commie!” Rob-soldier said
“You robot scum, I ought to turn you into a toaster, AND NEVER LOOK AT YOU AGAIN”
“One bomb is down!” Twilight said in excitement, the destroyed carcass of the once invincible looking tank now in tatters.
“You’re a commie robot!” The soldier shouted
“Well you’re the robot commie!”
“You’re a robot, you commie robot maggot commie robot!”
“You’re a hippy!”
“You robot scum, I ought to turn you into refined metal and trade you for a Stout Shako! I ought to’”
“THERES NO TIME LEFT, THE TANK IS RIGHT HERE” Rarity screamed, the tank was already putting the bomb in the hole.
“You’re a maggot”
“You’re a maggot too” The soldier responded
“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” Twilight screamed
Just as the Solder was about to keep up the raging debate with his companion, the smell of gunpowder saturated the air as Mann Co. CEO Saxton Hale dropped bombs from his magical chest hair. As he stopped his flying he destroyed the tank with his stare and the rest of the wave was defeated.
“IM GOING TO get YOU LIKE CATS OFF GRANDMA’S SOFA” Saxton hale screamed in his amazingly masculine voice, all the mares had to use all there will power to stop themselves from jumping him.
Saxton Hale used his laser vision and destroyed the robot carrier.
“WE WON, WE WON!” Pinkie Pie screamed, spewing her flame thrower in every which what direction
“Well done team! You are true soldiers after all!” The Soldier said with a grin
They had won
***
“Hello Princess Celestia, you wanted to see me?” Twilight asked, nervously peaking her head through the door
“Of course Twilight, I just wanted to hear your story about what happened, did you- finish my request?”
“O…no princess I’m sorry, if we can revive Luna we can sacrifice her again to give you the magic power and-“
“it’s fine Twilight, but please, tell me about your story”
Twilight started with her story, how they were given weapons and how they fought off a robot invasion
“And then this guy flew down from above and destroyed the entire robot army! It was amazing, it was like- it was like-“
“He was getting them like cats off Grandma’s sofa?” Princess Celestia said
“Yes and” Twilight stopped, he had said the exact same thing…Twilight looked into Celestia’s eyes and saw for a second a sense of discomfort and distraction.
“Umm Princess Celestia-“
“We can stop the games Twilight, it’s me Saxton Hale” Princess Celestia said “To be honest, I didn’t even send you in for some old romance or anything, I just wanted you to make sure they won before”
“But, but how long has this been going on?”
“2-3 weeks, I have Princess Celestia locked up in my basement, I’ve been feeding her a lot of Land o Lakes American Yellow Cheese to be honest, it’s fine though since I walk her a lot” Saxton Hale said, turning into his human form, his mustache seething with power.
“But we sacrificed Luna!” Twilight objected
“I stared into her eyes and ate her soul you mean” Saxton Hale said “Well now that you know I think I’m going to capture you too, Celestia needs a playmate too, she’s been getting a tad frisky”
Twilight blushed “You can’t be serious”
“It is better than what happened to your friend Rainbow Dash”
***
“Hello?” Rainbow Dash asked
“Hello” Gabe said “Do you want to play a game?”
In honour of everyone who had to wait 3 days to get into a Mann Vs. Machine game, semper fi gentlemen!
-Vespi
