How The Hell?!

by Just Because

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Young Six, Romance, Original Character, Spike, Comedy
Length: 8897

Equestria isn’t as bad as I thought it was. The only problem is, there’s no phones.

Apparently I got trapped in Equestria. Spike, for some reason is there, and shows me around the place. Then, I meet the overall stars of Season 8. Now, the only thing left to do here is push them all together. After I've done that, I can leave. I think. All I've got to do is get over my waifus and husbandos, and then my overwhelming hunger. No biggie.

Warning: This story contains Minor fourth wall breaking stuffs, Minor(major) Smolcellus, Gallbar, Yonastream, Me x Smolder, Me x Ocellus, Me x Yona, Me x Gallus, Me x Sandbar, and Me x
Silverstream. Gee, I'm quite the shipper.

Published 2020-01-29 06:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-03 01:50:38 UTC

What’s a Brony?

I slowly opened my eyes and decided to look around. Where was my dog? My phone was gone, and I was covered in dust. I quickly jumped up and tried to take notice of my surroundings. I noticed I was up on a hill in a patch of dirt next to an apple tree. This can’t be it. I thought. I looked around some more, and, lo and behold, there was Ponyville. “P-Ponyville?! What the fuck?!” I shouted to nobody— nopony but myself. When I looked down, I had realized I was hovering... somehow. Before I could inspect the situation any further, I fell. “Ouch!” I exclaimed. “Wings. Okay.” I stood up again and decided I’d try and see what... other features I had acquired. Then, I started chasing my tail. “Fucking... come... on!” I fell again. “FUCK!” I shouted.

“A-A changeling?!” A familiar voice shouted. “I’ve gotta warn somepony!” I looked up to see a scaly purple tail disappearing into the distance. From curiosity, I galloped after him, or so, I tried. A few hoofsteps after him, and I fell. Again.

“Fuck! C-Come back! I need help!” As he turned around, I quickly realized what he said. A changeling? I stood up.

“So... you’re not evil?” He took a step toward me.

“No. Why the hell would you think that?” I tilted my head, looking at him curiously.

“You’re an unreformed changeling. I thought we would need to try and get you to reform, or... something.” He paused. “You also curse a lot.”

“Wait a second...” I realized something. “You're Spike!” My wings started to buzz as I ascended in an excitement induced hover. “Hold on—“ I dropped to the ground once again. “So, lemme get this straight... you’re saying I’m a changeling?” I opened my mouth and flicked my tongue a little in attempt to taste his emotions like they’d always talk about in the fanfics. I was sent straight into a coughing fit soon after. My mouth was instantly sent into a wave of new flavors I’d never tasted before. Or had been prepared to taste. I propelled myself back with my wings; Something new I hadn’t learned to do before. “Agh!” I sputtered.

“What?”

“Dude!” I hissed. “You’re either confused, or just have some serious fuckin’ issues!” Spike stepped back in even more confusion singed by some offense taken by my half insult.

“Okay,” He rolled his eyes. “If you’re confused, I could probably show you around if you wouldn’t mind.”

“Oh, I know my way around here. Trust me.”

“Alright, look, man.” I started. “I’m something that’s called a Brony.” I explained as we walked. We were on our way to the school of Friendship, which was the location where the “tour” was going to end.

“A Brony?”

“Yep. And you know what? You’re in luck.”

“Why?”

“Because, to everyone else, you’re utterly useless, but—“

“Hey! Wait- I just met you. How in Equestria do you know about—“

“Season four, episode six.”

“What?”

“Nothing.” I replied. We entered the school, which was empty, surprisingly. I wondered for a while why, but I just gave up and assumed that the School of Friendship wasn't always running as regularly as it was displayed on the show. I stopped for a moment and raised my hoof for suggestion that we should probably just skip the tour, but before I could speak, a much more familiar voice called from afar.

"Spike!" She called, trotting over. The very usual lavender alicorn stood in front of us, apparently not noticing an unreformed changeling right in front of her. "Why'd you leave without telling me? I needed some help teaching the students and-" She stopped to stare at me. "Spike, who is this? Are they like Thorax, or more like Pharynx?" She proceeded to look me up and down in inspection.

"I'm can tell you I'm a lot like..." I paused. "I'm nice." I offered out my hoof in attempt to shake hers. "I'm..." Maybe I should use my account name instead? "I'm Nitro. Nitro Shake."

"Nitro Shake? Is that a changeling name?" She tilted her head and put a hoof to her chin. We were both silent. This one had to have been Twilight, I thought.

"Well, for me it is. Listen, I've got a lot of explaining to do. Remember how you got trapped in the human world?"

"Ye- Wait, how do you know about that?" She gasped. "D-Did you sneak in after me!?"

"No! Nonononono! I just..." I sighed. "It's the other way around, actually. I- " I stopped for a second to clear my thoughts. "You know what? Never mind." Twilight continued to look at me confusedly.

"I swear, he knows everything. It's like he's been stalking us." Spike deadpanned, rolling his eyes. I looked around nervously and tried to disregard the fact that's basically what I've been doing for nine years. Eight years. I guessed they weren't at that plot point yet.

"Okay. I'm not so sure about that last part, 'Nitro,'" I was a little offended when she used her hooves as air quotation marks, but, if I were really an unreformed changeling, I couldn't blame her. "But, no worries. I'm sure you're as pleasant as you say you are, but I at least think you should enroll in this school first to see if you can reform. we don't want all the love here driving you nuts over the years."

I take it back. When I post this story, I'm exposing Twilight. She's canceled. "Weeeell, uh, I think I should be go--" I turned around quickly, but Twilight already caught me with her stupid magical aura. Boy, this is gonna be a fun ride.

Later on, I was settled in my dorm. Nice and cozy. I whispered to myself. I was hunkered down in the comfort of my bed reading a book. After signing all of my paperwork, there was just one more thing I wanted to do in this school; meet the Young Six. I turned a page in my book with my magic. It took me a while to get a hang of that. Either way, I knew I was going to have to check in on my ‘chirren.’ After all, I couldn’t spend all my time watching the pirated episodes just to see them. I began to wonder to myself. I wonder if Smolder and Ocellus show any intimacy toward each other? After all, they don’t get a lot of moments in the show.

I continued to read, the chitin on my body being slowly grazed by the wind emitting from an open window. Wait, so, if I were a changeling, what did I look like? I jumped up from my bed and proceeded to frantically search for a mirror. When I stumbled upon one on the wall, I started to take a look. My chitin was black, and I had mint green eyes. My ‘mane’ was a deep shade of green, and my transparent wings were green, also. My tail was green as well, and as for my hair, I had sort of a buzz cut with spiky fins protruding from my horn to the start of my neck. That was new. I was wearing a green hoodie with the words "SAB" printed on it in magenta. A black shirt was underneath, and I could see a fraction of a small orange ball with a little star on it. I wondered if they had any mangas in this world. After all, I couldn't look at my favorite ships here. No phones.

I stopped for a second. A shit-eating grin suddenly emerged on my face as I sat down and rubbed my hooves together. "Wait. Ships." So what, I couldn't get a third person view on my favorite ships? I had a front row seat! Now, the only thing left to do was slowly nudge them in the right direction. "Uh..." No love potions! I thought. Although, that would make a pretty interesting episode.

Well, This Is Awkward.

Class was fine my first day there. The atmosphere was pretty calm due to Twilight's quiet teaching. Her magical aura caused the small teaching staff to glide across the chalkboard, which sometimes made light squeaking noises as the stick thingy slid onto different places. I wasn't paying attention like I'd normally do in the human world, however, because something was catching my eye. A whole lot of things were catching my eye. Firstly, Smolder was sitting behind Ocellus, and, even though she was clearly staring ahead, I couldn't shake the feeling that she had to be staring at the young bug horse. If I were to bring two creatures together today, God dammit, it had to be those two.

"Gastro!"

Oh, yeah, and, that's what everyone started calling me. Changelings weren't normally known for having enormous guts, but, here I was, a one hundred pound, one-horned buggy Bambi, sitting in the sweater outfit I've been wearing for five days. Anime geeks and fanfic writers sometimes don't get a lot of credit for what they do in the outside human world, so, I couldn't expect to get that much respect here. The scientific term "Gastro" is used to describe the stomach, and, since Chrysalis apparently picked the names of her offspring out of her high school biology book, Twilight thought it a better idea if I had a more "appealing" name. Bitch.

Anyway, I wasn't paying much attention to what Bookhorse was saying, mostly because, as I said before, I was zoning out while staring at Smolder and Ocellus. The tables turned pretty fuckin' quickly when they started to stare at me. The whole class did.

"When adding Chloroform to H2O, what do you have to be careful not to get?" I rolled my eyes. Twilight stayed looking at me sternly, something my teachers would often do if I was clowning around in class one too many times.

"A missing person's case, I don't know." Twilight's eye twitched. Some of the students in the room gasped, while others just stayed in silent surprise. "Hey, isn't this the School of Friendship? Why're we learning how to kidnap someone when we could be learning how to flower frolic?" My lips curved into a smug grin. I saw a creature turn and smile at me from the second row of desks in the class, and, surprise, surprise, it was Smolder. This was going amazing right now. A chance to talk to her? Potentially convince her to think about advancing her relationship with Ocellus? Awesome! Either way, even though I wouldn't be too irked if this turned into Banned From Equestria Daily real quick, I'd rather stick to my original checklist, and that was to get those two to at least consider moving things to the next level before this day ended. After this, I'd have to move on to Gallus and Sandbar. Sorry Yonabar, but I've got bigger fish to fry.

My eyes widened now as I saw Twilight reaching the end of her rope. "Okay, Gastro. We'll see if you find anything funny once I see you in my office later."

My grin faded as I groaned loudly. The class quit staring at me, thankfully, but, Me and Smolder's eyes locked for a few seconds before we turned our attention back to the lecture. Later was gonna be hard as balls, but, at least I probably made one friend here.

I sat in Twilight's office, the Headmare(and current owner of it) staring at me with a stern look. She was obviously pissed off at me, so, I didn't really have much of a choice but to sit there and deal with her bullshitting. "So, Gastro, have you anything to say for yourself about this afternoon's incident?"

"I don't know why you expect me to care. I mean, I never wanted to learn anything here in the first place, but." I had my head in my hooves despite her constantly telling me to sit up. I'm glad she gave up eventually, I mean, what the hell did she expect? I didn't ask to be here. I mean, shit, it's kind of good I am, or else I wouldn't be able to solve the Young Six's greatest problem(and by that, I mean romantic tension...), or make some new friends that were(possibly) a figment of my own imagination. It's kind of hard to type with hooves, mind you, so, keep up with me here.

"I have you here so that you don't become a rogue changeling that feeds on love. We don't need another Pharynx running around here. Especially if Thorax probably doesn't know about you." I had enough of it at this point.

"Gee, how do ya figur'?" I said in a sarcastic country voice, sticking my two front teeth out and making buck-teeth. Twilight wasn't amused.

"This is no joking matter, Gastro, especially since there used to be multitudinous reports of rogue changelings before!"

"Alright, alright. Just let me go, please. I've got other stuff to do today."

"Fine. But you have to promise me this. You cannot go feeding off of other's love. My school is supposed to be a safe environment, and, I'm trusting you to pride yourself on that." I stood up in the middle of her sentence, aready walking over to the door. I could feel her horn lighting up and levitating a book that she hovered over her face, just so I couldn't see her expression. As I smirked, I turned my head slightly and allowed my compound eyes to do the rest of the work.

"I won't pride myself on it as much as you do," I poked, Twilight giving one last low, irked growl at me before I closed the door behind me. "Aah!" I was startled at the sight of an orange dragon figure, who was standing there with her tail swaying nonchalantly. She was leaning against the wall beside me with her arms crossed, and, the compound eyes were fucking with me at this point. Smolder let out a small chuckle, but I just huffed in annoyance. Well, I would, if I had nostrils. Instead, I just wheezed in an awkward manner, and, Smolder looked at me weird.

"You alright?"

"Eh. Things aren't going so well for me today." I began, trotting through the hallways. Smolder followed me, and we proceeded to walk and talk for a while. "I see you found me pretty humorous in class today." I smirked and arched a playful brow. Smolder retaliated by casting a smug grin at me, as if she were looking down on me somehow. I frowned.

"Yeah, I'm gonna be honest, I expected you to flip out and suck everyone dry today." We turned a corner as we kept on talking. I saw a few ponies turn away from me while we walked, and, I'm not gonna lie, I began to get pretty offended. Yeah, sure, there's an unreformed changeling walking through your school, fuck off!

"That's gay," I chuckled. She chuckled back at my jab, but, I haven't actually taken into consideration how hungry I was. That rumbling in my stomach? That wasn't just any rumbling. My stomach felt empty, void of anything, and, I started to question how the hell I was so weighty in the first place. Not gonna lie, I wasn't fat or anything. Just a little... thicc, apparently. Thicc or not, it was weird, and I didn't like it. Being so fat, and yet, so starved.

My day brightened up a bit when Smolder started to smile a little more. My stomach was still rumbling with emptiness, and yet, I felt fuller and fuller every time I opened my mouth to talk back to her. Her amusement was... filling. Yet I wasn't getting enough of it, unfortunately. My stomach rumbled a final time. Smolder stopped talking and started to stare at me with concern. Moldy peaches and sour cream.

"Are you feeling okay? You've been kind of staring in the distance while we've been talking, and, I'm thinking you're high or something--"

"No!" I answered abruptly. Smolder jumped back a little at my sudden outburst, and the other students in the hallway stopped and stared at me. "I-I mean... no. It's just- do you wanna hang out in the courtyard today?"

"Sure. Don't know why it'd take you that long to ask, though." She joked. I laughed. Today, I felt as if I could vent to Smolder about most of my problems, mostly because she was an overall cool person- dragon. We sat on a bench in the school courtyard, watching the ponies pass by(and occasionally exchange weird looks at us) while we talked. I couldn't help but notice the fact that something was wrong, though. The way something sweet and sour always filled my mouth when she talked, I couldn't concentrate.

"So, If you're feeling fat, we could always run together. I hear Ocellus takes those emergency walks whenever she feels like she's eaten too much. You're both changelings, maybe you could relate on a personal level, or something?"

I knew what it felt like.

"O-Oh, no, I don't think she'd like me all that much."

What it felt like to be starved.

"Why not? I'm sure you two'd get along fine."

I tasted the atmosphere. Charcoal and... beef? I knew I was carnivorous before, but, I didn't even know beef existed in Equestria, unless you got it from those really far off places, like Griffonstone.

"Gastro? You alright? Your stomach's been rumbling for the past ten minutes." Smolder cocked her head a little, and my eyes popped open in realization. Sure, I had been hungry, but, a hungry, unreformed changeling didn't look good on me. Didn't look good to me.

"I've just... ever since I got here, I've been--" I began to explain, but, Smolder cut me off in the middle of my sentence. I was just about to explain how I traveled here from my world, but, since--

"Wait- ever since you got where? Here?"

Fuck it.

"No. I-I... I think there's something you should know." I sat my hooves up on my lap, and Smolder crossed her arms impatiently. I sighed at this, prepared for the worst to come. "So, I'm not usually this hungry." Smolder nodded.

"Go on." The tension in the air was solid, like a gallon of expired milk that's been sitting there for a month. Sour, like... well, like expired milk. I could feel the agitated dragon beside me didn't like anticipation, clearly, so, I had to move on and spill the beans. Like the ma-- fourteen year old guy I am.

"I'm not usually a changeling, either." I avoided contact with her, turning my head quickly so I couldn't see the confused expression on her face, but, I could explicitly feel her eyes widening in even more confusion, and... fear. What was I supposed to expect from her next? She could've just up and left, told everyone to stay away from me or something, but... okay. Moving on.

"So... what are you? Unless you're saying you just transform really often, which--"

"I'm-not-from-this-world." I quickly and robotically spat out, pursing my lips straight after. I was bound to get it after this. What would Smolder think of me after this shit? I'd probably lose my first friend, and, shit would hit the fan, and--

I felt lips crash into my own. No way. No way, no way, no way. My cheeks were burning red as I felt Smolder's scorching claws clutching my cheeks- my face, the face cheeks, you gays- Her tongue began to overtake mine, wrestling it and slamming it into the walls of my cavernous mouth. I reciprocated the actions when I started to slowly intrude her own mouth with my tongue. We fought battle after battle with our forked tongues, pressing out faces together like we were trying to eat each other's snouts.

Finally, I pulled back, my breathing pattern all messed up. Smolder was panting as well, looking as if she wasn't even shaken up about what happened. I was mortified. Well, not really. That kiss was awesome, and, being a huge incel, this place was somewhere I could get used to if it wen't down like this. She smiled at me. I smiled back. Since our little "moment" was so intimate, I decided that it wouldn't be so bad for me to have a little taste of what was up there, y'know, pick my meals.

My tongue slipped out from in between my lips as I lapped up the substance in the air. It was... good. Sweet. Like love. Smolder's small smile turned into a grin. "You hungry now?" I laughed loudly, falling about on the bench we were sitting on.

"Ah, you bitch."

"Hey, just trying to make sure you ate something, dumbass."

Well, that was a really fun time. We agreed on hanging out more often, and, once, on our way back to the school, we actually made out. Score!

Update: Wait, what the fuck did I just do!?

Author's Note

Ahem, so, one tiny little detail. Where the fuck did the Smolcellus plan go!? Okay, Okay, don't worry, I can fix this. Maybe if I hook up with all of them, I can get them a little closer with each other. I think.

Holes, Holes, Holy Holey Holes.

Now, in the next morning's class, I sat next to Ocellus, who was copying down some notes for Fluttershy's class. It was weird sitting next to her, mainly because she was a changeling, and, even though I was basically an insect now, I could. not. stand. bugs. They could all go die in a fire. Well, except for Ocellus. She was pretty cute at most, but here eyes were just painful to look at. It's like the fly I've been trying to let out of the car's window just somehow grew giant and started sitting next to me in class trying to stalk me. Fuckin' bug.

Another thing that was a little unsettling was when she'd glance at me from her peripheral vision. Weird. And it wasn't even the glancing part that unsettled me. She'd lick her lips constantly almost every time she glanced at me, and then looked back at her paper. Even if I found it weird, I mean, bug's gotta eat, right? Another weird thing, I could only tell she was glancing, because apparently, now I was an owner of those huge fuckin' bug eyes. It always took some time to adjust to the lighting of each room, and, that's what I got for always having my phone on full brightness. These eyes were a bitch. Both of them.

Oh, and, Me? I was silently taking my notes as well. Twilight's little cunt-y banter convinced me that it might've been hard out there for an unreformed changeling, well, if we're not speaking in terms of food. Fucking ponies and draining the love straight after didn't sound like too much of a bad idea. Even though it seemed like I'd make it in this world without the School of Friendship; I knew I desperately needed it. I mean, what would ponies think of an unreformed changeling, and... dammit, artist me!

I just figured it out! I began to obliviously stare down at the paper before me on my desk, sweating intensely. I designed this thing. Gastro was Nitro, me. Who even knew I was a secret bug horse? I didn't know. Well, I did, but, shut up. I made this thing. The only thing I took from the human world besides my OC form was my Dragon Ball Z shirt and hoodie. That's it. That's why I was feeling so hungry, why I was unreformed.

Okay, I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough to design a Sour Patch version of my own OC, okay? It was for the sake of this story plot, leave me alone!

I let out a large groan as I slammed my head on the desk. I wasn't looking at everyone else, but I knew; everyone was staring at me profusely. Again. "Ugh." I lamented, slamming my head on the desk for a second time. For the split second I looked up, I could see Ocellus looking at me, and, no surprise was held in her expression. Poor Ocellus. I had to have been tasting sour the whole class. Good thing was, she might've been expecting this from me or something, or else I wouldn't have tasted so fuckin' dank. -pause.-

"Gastro?" Called a shy voice from the front of the room. The atmosphere around me went sweet. As I looked around, I saw the amused faces of many ponies in the back of the class, and, some of them in the middle. Awesome.

"Sorry, YellowQuiet."

"I-It's... It's Fluttershy..." Fluttershy began to trail off and turn back around, and, damn it, it ate at my conscience like a fucking parasite. Damn it, Flutters.

"Sorry, I meant Best Pony." I chuckled and smirked. Fluttershy looked back at me and smiled, her cheeks turning the faintest bit pink. Between her and bugaboo junior, I knew I'd like them both the most.

"So, today was a massive kick in the ass." I was sitting next to Smolder under a tree, and the both of us were having a casual convo before the transition of class.

"I saw. You bronies go batshit with those 'Best Pony' things."

"Rarity?" I chuckled. Smolder's eyes widened and narrowed in thought. When I tasted the air, I could taste the subtle relief in my palette(honey and tangerines).

"Of course."

The both of us chortled over our fondness for ponies. The only thing that was missing was my phone. I could've binged DWK's "Totally Legit Recaps" with her. Oh well. I was practically gushing to her about it anyways. Smolder giggled in amusement every topic I gushed about, especially my side-fanfic writing hobby. Fun fact, I happened to have my mangas with me, so, bonus. We could both gush about OPM together and not give each other weird looks. Smolder an I were like, the best secret geek friends.

"So, you're telling me you've been stalking us for the past nine years and started writing stories about us? Dude, you sound like a serious fuckin' lunatic." She wasn't wearing a smile while she said this, but with the taste of her amusement filling my mouth, I could tell she wasn't serious.

"Ehh, whatever. Today, I actually plan on writing one about how I made out with you."

"You guys take all this shit so seriously," she huffed, shaking her head with a smile. I grinned though, and arched a brow with menacing superiority.

"Oh yeah?" I started, still grinning smugly. Smolder gave me a look as if she wanted to tear the grin straight off my face, but the smile wasn't faltered. "Technically, there're a bunch of things going on with Dragons and Changelings this year." Now, you might wonder where I was going with this, but you know what my original goal was. It was to get Smolder and Ocellus to get together by the end of the ~~day~~ week. I kind of failed the day part, so, instead of both me and Smolder being like Thorax and Ember or something, I could get her and Ocellus to be, well... Smolcellus. Smolder gave me another look as if to say Where're you going with this? I didn't want her to think things would escalate further between us, so, I had to make this quick.

"Well, maybe you and Ocellus could possibly get together," I suggested, but quickly stopped talking when Smolder's eyes widened. I might've been really passionate about this, but, I didn't exactly count on how difficult this was gonna be. Smolder raised a defensive claw while I tried to brace myself for the worst. I shut my eyes quickly, waiting silently for my body to be reduced to ashes in a matter of seconds. Instead, about ten seconds passed, and, I couldn't help but peek my eyes open. Sitting there, right in front of me, was a slightly puzzled and... intrigued Smolder. I could tell she was thinking about it. The slight taste of bitter grapefruit doused in bountiful amounts of sugar gave away the good sense of consideration.

Shutting one eye and wincing, I decided to take one last blow. After all, she was on the brink of considering it. "I-I mean... you like tea parties and cute things... m-maybe you'll like her?" I opened both my eyes again as I saw Smolder blush.

"I-I... I mean, you're... you're not wrong- Oh, shit." Smolder turned to me, frightened and blushing, as I began to wear a shit eating grin. Her eyes were nearly bulging out of her head in realization.

"E-Excuse me? You two aren't busy, are you?" A voice had spoken from behind me. Smolder looked up for a split second, and before I could say anything, her face turned red, and she soon enveloped herself in her wings. I turned around to look at the new speaker while Smolder just hid in her burning wings. I figured she'd already seen who was behind me, so, I just
went out on a limb as I smiled and stood up. To my expectations, it was the light blue bug standing behind me.

I was a little nervous when she quivered at how I was, like, four inches taller than her. I was a little tall for my age in the human world, but, I wasn't exactly that tall here. Maybe Ocellus was just really short or something. Either way, I knew she had this phobia of her love-starved past, so, I guess it'd frighten her if I ever tried anything.

My stomach rumbled.

Shit.

"Is Smolder alright? I can tell you two have been getting along," she giggled. The dragon in question was still hiding behind her wings, quivering rigorously. "D-Did you do something to her?"

"No," I looked behind me, winking at the dragon with a smug grin. As I turned back to Ocellus, however, I cleared my throat. "No. She's just got a crush on someone, and she's just realized it."

Ocellus' cheeks reddened, though I could sense that it probably wasn't what I thought it was. No, it definitely wasn't what I thought it was. I took a subtle breath through my mouth. I could taste the bitterness in the air. It was wet, moist. The type of humidity you'd breathe in after it's been raining for a good eight hours. Cold, like a crisp winter morning. It tasted fairly minty at best; yet it was so strong. It might've been a mixture of sadness and support, the type you'd give when your closest friend got offered your own dream job, and, meanwhile, you just got rejected. Heartbreak, I thought.

"That's... good." She was hesitant. I could taste it. Was the heartbreak directed toward me or Smolder, was the question. Either way, jealousy made for a pretty good story, and, I knew just how to make it happen.

Make Smolder jealous,

I tapped Ocellus on the shoulder.

Get her to admit her feelings.

Her ears perked up at my sudden touch. In case you were wondering, no, I wasn't going to kiss her. I had to save that for my encounters with Gallus. I had planned to ask her if she wanted to go anywhere and hang out today.

"Huh?" She asked me. Smolder looked at me with absolute uncertainty. I was hitting all the right places.-pause-

"I was gonna ask if you wanted to go eat out with me or something. I've been really hungry lately, and--" I bit my tongue when Ocellus slowly backed away in fear. Smolder was still watching me practically fail this for her, but I just turned my head, looked at her, and slowly nodded with a confident smile. I turned back to her, smiling reassuringly. That's when she stopped backing up for a second. I cleared my throat and nodded, seeing that she understood my point the moment she took a deep breath. "And I was wondering if you wanted to go grab some lunch. You and me."

Ocellus blushed. I'm guessing the sincerity in my voice must've doubled over the taste of my reassuring...ness. Smolder looked at me, anger radiating from her eyes and (nearly) burning holes in the back of my head. I'm quite sure they would've been if Ocellus wasn't here. For now, though, this scene had to be rated TV Y before it went straight TV MA.

Holes, Holes, Holy Holey Holes. (Second Part)

I sat in front of Ocellus in the booth, tearing down the fifteenth burger I had that first thirty minutes. The ponies that came and took my order were a little frightened that I asked for beef, probably never hearing of a carnivorous changeling before. Ocellus, giving off the same type of uneasiness just sat there, looking at me as I ripped through the layered beef sandwich.

"Wow, you, um.... seem really hungry," She said, giggling a little. I could tell she was clearly trying to break the ice, mostly because each bite I took, I had to breathe in super intensely. Her nervousness tasted sweet, yet, weird at the same time. I never liked that taste. It was like... sour blueberries. "-So I see you and Smolder get along well. I actually think you're the only one that could get her to read something." She continued in a genuine laugh. I looked up at her, the ground beef's seasoning staining the area around my mouth.

Ocellus giggled once more, levitating a napkin and wiping the spices off my snout. My face reddened a little, and so did hers, but I could tell she wasn't as uneasy around me now as she was earlier. Maybe seeing me dork around food like that made her feel a little more comfortable around me. I put down the burger. "Uh- You mean mangas? Those are-- well, I suppose I could just explain it," I started, sporting my usual goofy ass smile and looking in the other direction. Ocellus giggled once more at my dumb antics, letting her head rest in her hooves as I proceeded to explain how geeky I was for anime.

Little did I know, then and there, someone was sitting across the table from us; Smolder and Gallus. Smolder was sporting a not-so-subtle pair of binoculars, angrily stalking me from afar. Did I know this was gonna end up like this? Not really. I mean, I wanted her to get angry, but like; in a good way. Turns out, she was just flat out stalking us as we talked. I mean, that sounds like a standard love story to me, I look good in any form of dynamic character. In this case, I guess I was the antagonist. Like, when shit hits the fan in shows and there's a new, charming character that makes a possible love interest to the protagonist's crush. That's a good shipper story, if I've ever really analyzed it up close.

Anyway, I'm writing this in the aftermath of what happened, but I'll wait till the end and let you guess if things went alright between the two. Firstly, yeah, Smolder was stalking me from the other table with Gallus trying to negotiate with her and talk her out of the shit storm she was about to start.

"Wait, isn't this kid your friend," he asked, waving a curious claw around in emphasis. Smolder shot a glare at him the first time she looked back. Yep. Gallus was no match for her right now.

"He was, until he did something to me." Gallus was now beyond confused. By now he was probably wondering what I did to her, scrunching up his face in confusion. Smolder was quick to clear up that part before things got weird. Real fast.
"Just to be clear, he did not fuck me. I'm not that kind of gal." She smiled, putting a claw on her chest with smug elegance, something that made Gallus almost barf in his mouth as he rolled his eyes. Smolder frowned. "Can it."

"Okay, so, is this the thing where you stalk a dude because he's hanging out with another girl?"

"Gallus," Smolder deadpanned, taking the binoculars from her eyes.

"What?"

"That's exactly what this is."

"Are you doing this for Ocellus, or against her?"

"For her. There's something going on between us that you wouldn't understand." Smolder continued, getting annoyed with Gallus' short ended interrogation. The cat-birb pressed on. At this point here, I was beyond gushing about technology now, and Ocellus was halfway interested. She would've been wholly interested, of course, had she known what actual non Equestrian technology looked like. Smolder growled as she saw me keep on. "So, we've made out a couple times before because he was all hungry and shit, so, I shared a little love with him. Just like I do with Ocellus in case she gets hungry."

Gallus' ears perked up as he then turned to Smolder, eyes wider than my mouth when I took a bite out of two stacked burgers. No, for real, Ocellus watched me while I rambled. "Wait, you and Ocellus made out before?!" He almost shouted. Smolder quickly slapped a had over his beak, Gallus, in turn, slapping his claws over her hands, which covered his beak.

Me, in the middle of my lecture, heard Gallus and his shouting, and, smirked with a smug grin.

"Gastro? You stopped. Is something wrong?" I turned to Ocellus, who had her head, which was still in her hooves, cocked, and a brow arched. I simply smiled and said,

"Yeah. I gotta go get some fresh air. I need to walk all this beef off, honestly." I stood up from the booth, and Ocellus smiled.

"Alright, you. Don't get too warmed up; I actually wanna walk when we leave here," She giggled, waving at me as I proceeded to trot on out of sight and earshot.

As I began to stroll over to their table, Smolder looked at me with wide, angry eyes. I stopped walking as she came into view, frowning worriedly (for my own health) at her expression.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” she started, getting up from the table and storming toward me. I quickly panicked internally, trying to find a way to force a response from my throat. Too bad that would only result in me losing my voice. Smolder sure fired up quickly, though. "You know I like Ocellus, so what the fuck!?"

"I-I panicked!" I was currently trying to ignore the fact that Smolder was trying to strangle me. Too bad my fat ass neck was too big for her to grab. I guess.

"You didn't look like you were panicking! All I saw there was a big sack of cocks talking his way into a date with Ocellus!"

"Okay, firstly," I heard a griffin voice himself from behind Smolder. "Turn down the curse boner. There're kids here. Secondly; what? you have a crush on Ocellus? And thirdly of all; how do you know he was trying to do what you're accusing him of?" I looked at him with a grateful smile, but he just glared at me and turn to look at Smolder. The corners of my mouth turned down at that action, and, I felt pretty bad. I know, it was a pretty dick move to try and hook up with Ocellus, but it was for the better. Right?

My stomach rumbled.

"Ah, shit." I lamented, rubbing my stomach. I wasn't paying attention as Gallus was trying to hold Smolder back from completely and utterly demolishing me; if she weren't being held in place my griffin claws and wings. I sighed.

"Yeah, your fat ass would probably just soak up all the love with her and be done." Smolder sneered, causing me to look up.

"Okay, rude. And stop putting extra emphasis on all the words you use. I'm running out of spaces to put the italics!"

That caused Smolder to look confused. “Okay, Gallus. You’re right. Gastro, even though you’re being a massive tool right now, I can’t exactly blame ya.” She smiled warmly at me, and that’s when Gallus finally let her go. My forehead was still hot, and I was a sponge still in those few moments, but I could tell she was starting to warm up to me. Again. Smolder turned to Gallus and tried to explain my actions for me, apparently.

“He’s a hopeless romantic. Like Rarity, but... fatter, and marshmallow... eir.” She deadpanned, looking straight back at me. I scoffed in offense and disbelief, feeling around my waist and chest.

“I-I’m not that fat! I-I’m.... big boned.”

“He’s fat.” Smolder continued as if I hadn’t said anything. I simply rolled my eyes and looked over to Gallus, who had simply blown his bangs from his eyes and walked over to me. My eyes slightly sparked in that one moment. I loved seeing him do that.

Gallus just looked deeply into my eyes, scanning over them like a hawk. Or... an eagle. Quick fun fact; my mom never liked cats, and, I never knew why. I really didn’t. Gallus was the best half-cat I’d ever seen, and, I never thought I’d be saying that before, yet here we are. Here I am.

And, Smolder was right, I was being a huge tool right now, because my mouth hung gaped open as he gazed into my eyes. I shook my head when he smiled at how dopey I looked in the moment, probably no longer questioning if he could trust me or not.

I smiled sheepishly and proceeded to hold out a shaky hoof for him to... shake. I’m so fucking awkward. He simply chuckled at me and shook my hoof, and I practically melted inside at his touch. I knew in that one moment.

I need his love.

Smolder simply chuckled at how hard I was falling for her griffin friend, waving a claw at me from behind. She proceeded to fall about when I didn’t reply or even look in her direction. I was too busy staring into the eyes of my new husba— friend.

Dammit, Gallus!!!

“Gastro? I thought you were outside?”

“Aaaaah!” I let out a girly scream and proceeded to transform into the best inanimate object I could think of. A floor tile, which lay loosely on the floor, clearly not blending in with all the others.
I heard a few giggles and chuckles right before I saw three figures staring down at me.

“Hey, fuck you guys,” I cursed, shapeshifting back into my ‘regular’ changeling self. “And Ocellus?” I asked immediately after as I whipped around to my light blue changeling friend. She jumped back, her wings buzzing and allowing her to basically drift onto the ground. I digressed.

“Let me know before you wanna sneak up on me. I spent all this fucking time trying to get you and Smolder together, and I’m just so stressed I can’t think straight!” Smolder desperately tried to hush me up before Ocellus could realize what I’ve been saying. I still continued despite her clear displays of frantically induced claw waving.

“Based on all this shit I had to pay for?! Don’t even get me started on the huge fucking ship boner I have for you two! And don’t you dare mention this little dragon cunt yelling at me because I was trying to date you to get her jealous,” I scoffed, turning my back to Ocellus, plopping my rump down on the floor and crossing my arms. Smolder gave up, face planting on the floor in front of Ocellus. Gallus gave her a supportive back-pat, but Ocellus just stood there, dumbfounded and red-faced. I still continued.

“And when she told me she had a crush on you from the get go, I thought this’d be pretty easy, but, nooooooooooo! I had to eat fifteen burgers and try and impress you for Smolder to finally do something! My god, these characters are so dense.”

Ocellus blinked. So did I.

Shiiiiiiiiit. Fuck me. Sideways with a fucking paddle.

“S-Smolder...? Y-You have a crush on me?” Ocellus asked. Smolder’s face was buried in the tile, but I could already tell she was blanching. The color nearly drained from her entire body when her name was first mentioned. Ocellus tapped her.

“She does.” I said matter-of-factly. Both her and Gallus glared at me in annoyance, so I just shut my big mouth and watched, tapping my hooves together with glee.

“Whatever. It doesn’t matter. Shut up. Go away.”

“We’re still here, Smolder,” Ocellus said in a light chuckle.

“No you’re not. None of you are. At some point I’m gonna realize this is all a dream and I’m gonna wake up.” All of us except Smolder seemed to all raise a brow collectively. She lifted her head up. “...Right?” I couldn’t help but laugh internally.

“It’s not a dream. You better confess to her now or else you’ll wish it all was a dream.” Gallus’ comment prompted Smolder to stand up with a small frown. She looked at Gallus, and then to Ocellus, where she sighed. Ocellus smiled, her cheeks reddening slightly. I smiled as well, holding myself back from just saying ‘EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!’ The whole time.

“B-Be my girlfriend.”

“Smoooooooolder~? Use your words,” Gallus sneered, causing Smolder to huff.

“W-Will you be my girlfriend...?”

Aaaaaand, things went pretty smoothly from there. I’ll fill you in on all this fluff tomorrow, where I have enough energy to make any Smocellus fluff. Next, I think I’m gonna take on Gallus *grumbles* and Sandbar.

Memes Are Magic

It was lunchtime in the courtyard. I was rushing over to the gang in a hurry, as I thought they'd start lunch without me in a heartbeat, and, boy, I took my burgers seriously. As the six came into view, I could see Gallus waving at me from afar. My eyes glittered when I saw him, and my cheeks flushed immensely. Beaming so hard I couldn't see straight? Yeah, thanks for noticing. Compound eyes so wide I could see nearly everything around me while my vision was being obstructed somehow? Yeah, thanks again.

Fumbling on my hooves, I lose my balance as I trip over a loose stone. The pain wasn't as bad, I mean, as long as one of my 'hoof holes' didn't get caught on it. The group of six gasped as they saw me fall head over heels. Multiple. Times. When I finally stopped falling, however, there as one problem.

"Ow!" I lamented, holding tightly onto my rear like my life depended on it. "I tripped and fell on my fat ass!" I whined in annoyance, causing the rest of the group to laugh. I stay cradling my tail and rocking back and forth, forgetting what I was here for in the first place. Gallus approached me calmly, holding out one of his talons to me and helping me up.

"You okay?" He asks. I smile.

"Yeah. How're you guys doing?" Gallus opened his mouth, but, a sea-foam green pony sitting against a tree answered for him.

"We're doing fine. Gallus, Smolder, and Ocellus really wanted us to meet you. Said you were cooler than you look." He said, taking a bite of his daisy sandwich.

"Commentary by yours truly," added Gallus, with an elegant claw laying over his chest. I start to laugh and fall about on my ass again, this time not whining about it like I usually do. Silverstream digresses.

"Usually we're the only creatures going to this school," she started, picking up a kelp fritter and examining it closely. I looked at her with a smile, and she looked at me and smiled back. "You seemed like a pretty nice person from how those two love birds- drakes- whatever- described it." Silverstream waggled her eye brows at me. Chuckling, I look over to a dragon and changeling, who were currently curled up against each other and sharing a lunch. Just like I dreamed they would.

"Hey, Gastro? What'd you want us to come here for?" Gallus asked me, snapping me out of my moment of success. The rest of the six stared at me expectantly, but I just smile and reach in my pockets.

"Oh, it's nothing," I started, turning away with elegant modesty. Little did they know; something real fuckin' innovative was about to happen. It would change the hell outta their lives. "Just my motha-fuckin' iPod!" I bellow at the top of my lungs, reaching in and pulling out a small cellular device and placing it on the ground.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!!!!!" Me and Smolder yelled, dancing around the device and waving our arms around like cult maniacs. The rest of the six each cover their ears collectively, eyes glued on us as we danced. Ocellus gets up and walks over to us, inspecting the device. We stopped dancing for a second. She put a hoof to her chin as she looked down, focus no longer on us. Gallus walks over as well, and so does Silverstream, Sandbar, and Yona.

"What does it do exactly?" Asked Ocellus, who sat down in front of me and Smolder. We smile at each other cheekily as I click a button on the device.

"This." A beat started playing on it, and Smolder and I bop our heads as it plays. We. Were. Vibin'. I clear my throat as I began to speak, and Smolder put a claw to her chin, smiling with determination as she would provide all the ad libs.

"Bun, patty, cheese, bacon, pickles, onion, mayo! (Mayo!)

"I eat it with my chips and then I dip and drop all day, yo (dip, dip, dip!)

"My ice is in the soda, make it pop and then I drink it (drink!)

"The oreos and milk, I make it dink and then I sink it (sink!)

"Making chicken on the side, make it bake, or make it fry (fry it!)

"All the onions make it cry, put finesse all on my sides (sides!)

"Cheese, cheese, cheese, cheese, (cheddar!)

"Got the hot sauce, make it simmer and a squeeze, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!

Smolder and I dance around the iPod once more, and all the student's mouths were agape.

"T-That was... amaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazing!" Silverstream exclaims, pressing her claws against her cheeks and beaming uncontrollably. With a showy bow, Smolder and I plop our rears onto the ground, smiling like we just invented the best thing since sliced bread.

"Yeah," Sandbar agreed, smiling at both me and Smolder. He turns to Ocellus, about to ask her a question. "What's it called again, Ocellus?"

"It seemed like some sort of freestyle form of poetry." She put a hoof to her chin in thought. Gallus scoffs at our sudden musical number, and I look up at him with a glare.

"Freestyle my ass," He sneers. I stand up. "What? You two probably just wrote it down or something, there's no way all that'd come straight from your heads." He points at his own head with a smug smile, and I frown, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Fine," I start, looking at Smolder. We both nod in sync, in time with both of us making the noises "Hm, hm, hm, hm." over and over again. I click on the iPod, and now it was my turn to do the adlibs. Smolder was on the mic now. It was all her now. We bop our heads for a while, and Gallus seems pretty into it, especially when Smolder started to speak.

"I'm eating all my gems and I could eat em on a necklace (neck!)

"I sprinkle em' with sugar, cause it makes a balanced breakfast (Hm, hm, hm.)

"And I put em' on my pastries, I could put em' on a cake (cake)

"I eat it on my salad, on the breakfast I wake (Wake!)

"I put the gems on my burger, then I grab a side of fries (fry em'!)

"I sprinkle bits of it on cupcakes and a little on the pies (pies!)

"Put a little on the cake, and a little on the side (side)

"And I season em' on onion rings and throw em' in the fry! Aye!

"Aaaaayeeeeeeee." Both of us finished in sync, spreading our arms out for extra emphasis. Gallus was baffled, and the rest of the group gave us a round of applause.

"Thank you, Thank you!" Smolder bows with smug elegance, earning an amused eye roll from each of us. Gallus clears his throat.

“Pretty interesting, if I do say so myself.” He snarked smugly, but both me and Smolder just crossed our arms and went:

“Hm, hm, hm, hm.”

“Also, what’s that thing you guys keep doing,” Sandbar asks, standing up and walking over to us. Smolder and I smile together. “You just keep saying ‘hm’ over and over.”

“Yeah, what’s that even mean?” Silverstream chimes in, a brow arched. Smolder and I just stare at each other with blank expressions. Good thing Ocellus was there to save our asses.

“I think it’s more of a challenge thing. Gastro probably taught Smolder that from one of his ‘shows’.”