Chapter 1 ☆ A Bitter Psychosis
The dark is swirling, a sickening haze of a half-wakened state. Drifting, a soul lost between dreams and nightmares, the mind and the reality.
I'd felt as if I'd been awake for days. My eyes burned with restlessness brought on by fear. If I dared to look outside of my window, I would see some furred monster with glowing eyes ripping at the screen. My one rule, a mantra almost, that I repeated to myself feverishly for hours is that it cannot hurt me if I do not look at it. These episodes had been getting worse for some time now, the aching fear that something inhuman is following me, the shadows that crawl up in the corner of my eyes and disappear if I frantically turned around. I could hear skittering claws on the hardwood floors even though I kept no pets, I could hear voices when I knew no one was awake. If I was daft enough to dare try to rest, the horrors only dragged me in so intimately they stole shreds of my sanity from me. Their insidious claws tore the inside of my eyelids and left me feeling drained.
The night time was my enemy, although I pleaded for her to be my dear friend. The night time haunted me, choked me, left me alone to fend for my own fearful mind. How cruel, I'd have thought if I didn't have enough innocence left in me to still be afraid. That innocence burned a hole in me, that unwavering smile until the setting sun brought back my paralyzing, childish terror.
My trembling arms tightened around a soft toy horse, the soft faux fur that comprised it's body nothing more than white noise to my numb senses. I could hear it whispering to me, words that my brain could no longer parse. Acrid tears stopped falling long ago, the knot in my throat refusing to be removed so easily. It was unfair, unfair, unfair. My body ached as if I felt nothing and everything at once.
A hand, outstretched towards nothing. My eyes trained on my arm in the darkness, the sheer moonlight dancing down from a wonderfully full moon illuminated wound upon wound that lay etched into my skin. I focused on them, my vision forcing itself away from the shadows that danced and snarled at me menacingly. The creatures lurking in them were not real, if only I told myself over and over they were just tricks on my eyes, my tired prayer to my own psyche.
The shadows seemed to envelope my arm, staining my flesh an inky black. I squinted, sitting upright quickly as my fingers went stiff, paralyzed as they melted together. My heart was a jackrabbit, slamming itself against my rib cage as I tried to move the mannequin that my body had become. The shadows traveled through my veins, infecting my skin and clouding it like ink dropped into water. Useless, hot tears fell from my eyes once more, unable to scream as I heard my bones horrifically grind and my felt my muscles tear apart and sew themselves back together.
The pain was so searing, so hellish that my mind could no longer process it. It was simple, you see, to merely not feel pain. So easy to cut yourself off from a situation, to tell yourself it is happening to someone else.
So I did.
I allowed my own darkness to melt my vision down to nothing, my memories fading into the haze. By the time I returned to myself, the pain had become a dull headache. I splayed out on my bed, my body seemed fatigued although I had not moved an inch. Though, as my senses returned to me, I could process that suddenly my body was much too large for my bed. Or, rather, was too large. My bed was now a small pile of rubble with a blanket over it. I willed myself to roll onto my side, feeling distinctly dragged down, as if I was running in a dream.
In the corner of my eye, I saw it- a slender hoof, black as the night bathing me. And another... and two more after that. Stars danced around my vision, only adding to my confused fear. I moved my head, unprepared for how off-balance I would be. My movement was too wide, gravity teased me by withholding any announcement of a lengthy horn that had muddled my sense of balance. My neck must've had wonderfully strong muscles to be so long and elegant without aching under the weight of the horn- my horn.
I scrambled to my feet, limbs shaking like a newborn foal as I tried to balance on four legs. I wasn't stupid, no, I just felt crazy. I took a shaky step out of my room, already unbearably cramped when it housed my human body but truly impossible to fit this equine one in it's clutch. I pushed myself through the door frame that truly was not made for a creature so tall, a pain like a knife bore itself into my already sore skull as my horn hit against the top of the door. My teeth ground together, eyes squeezed shut as I braced myself to accept the rippling pain. My recovery from the brief accident was thankfully only seconds, I returned to moving one hoof in front of the other, unsteady and unsure. The clicking sounds of my hooves on the floor was muffled by the soft velvet skin that covered them, striding towards the front door with increasing confidence. The world melted into a dreamlike state, the door swinging open by itself, but I couldn't muster the energy within myself to question how or why, I could only drift closer in a possessed fashion.
I slipped outside into the dew-kissed grass, silvery light bathing my form. I lifted my eyes to inspect the sky, a new wave of fear rippling through my nerves like poison as I took in a swirling blue mist enveloping the moon. I had merely blinked by the time the mist had dissipated, leaving me to sickly wonder if it was ever really there. My head turned, looking up and down the road that passed by my home, unsurprisingly it was devoid of people or cars, no lights to be seen near or far. Turning, my gaze settled on the cliff my house sat on, looking out over the forest below that was the bane of my existence, the home of the monsters that haunted my vision and dreams. This once, just this once, I felt the fear melt out of my veins.
I spread my wings, stepping closer dully.
Run.
Eyes hazed over, my brain full of cotton.
I jumped.
Author's Note
So... hi.
This is a commemorative rewrite of what was my most popular story to date, on the most important date to me.
For those who luckily weren't around for my teenage years, back in May 2013 I wrote a story called My Name is Nightmare Moon. In retrospect, I think it's badly written and obviously venty self-insert by... a child. I was only 13 when I wrote the original MNiNM. Despite this, it was wildly popular? I genuinely never knew why so many people enjoyed it. As a bonus, apparently there are downloadable copies of it floating around as recent as 2017 even though I pulled the story years ago? Wild.
MNiNM is really important for me for reasons I didn't know until years later. I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and Dissociative Identity Disorder (Multiple Personality Disorder, in layman's terms) in 2019. During the time I wrote MNiNM, I was in a horrible situation where I was being stalked by a man threatening to mutilate and murder me. Because of this, I became homeless to flee from him. My original concept for MNiNM came from repeated dreams of Nightmare Moon speaking to me and comforting me.
Through a lot of therapy, retrospect, and internal debate, I learned it's likely the Nightmare Moon I saw was a product of my DID. My original writings of MNiNM, now that I am aware I have multiple personalities, is exactly what it is like to live with them. Despite what popular media would have you believe, I was always aware I had multiple personalities and could actually interact with them, I just didn't understand that it was a disorder and not how people's brains usually work. So I guess it's likely that as a child, I had a personality modeled after Nightmare Moon to shield my mind from the constant horror I was experiencing at the time.
So, I decided to rewrite MNiNM as a sort of celebration, hopefully to show that I've become a better writer and have a better understanding of myself, and maybe give a little bit of respect to the Nightmare Moon who personally helped me survive a time of my life I could not have survived alone.
Thank you to everyone who supported and cared for me when I was just a 13 year old writing bad fanfiction for fun. Even though I regret my behavior and how I acted throughout the years, the fact I had friends who stuck with me still makes me emotional to this day. You all are wonderful people, and thank you for believing in me and giving me the support I desperately needed when I needed it the most.
Chapter 2 ☆ A Superficial Introduction
Who could find it in them to merely fall when the intoxication of a lucid daydream renders their maimed soul lighter than air?
My stomach felt as heavy as a rock, dragging me into the abyss of foliage. My heart, weightless as a fine down in the wind, lifted me back up. Massive wings that anchored themselves from my sides spread outwards as if to embrace the world itself, on instinct they caught the downwind and used the force to climb higher. My legs thrashed as if the motion of galloping across the sky would drive my aerial limbs to pump harder and ascend higher. The stars seemed ever so close, if I closed my eyes I could imagine them brushing tender kisses to my cheeks. The cold, thin air invaded my lungs, the icicles it could have formed in my chest only made me feel more alive. I found myself among the clouds before I finally slowed my ascent.
Isn't it beautiful.
The voice that rang clear in my head was horribly vain, it sounded self-righteous- completely out of line for any thoughts I had. Even my wandering egotistical urges would be offered to me softly and in tone subdued.
She laughed in my mind.
Do not fear me, little pony.
Little pony? Oh, I supposed I would be a pony now, although little was a smidgen debatable.
"Who are you?" My voice was a bell that echoed across the empty sky, it no longer sounded like me. It was powerful, mature, but it held those notes of nervousness that burrowed itself into my very being.
Don't be a foal, I know you know.
I looked around, eyes flicking about as I drank up the picturesque scenery below me. I hesitated in a response, "Nightmare Moon. But you're not real."
I am just as real as you, there was a playful lilt to her monologue. Unless you don't believe this is real, in which case we are equally false.
"I couldn't tell what was real or not anymore long before you came here." The somber, almost bitter, inflection of my words frightened me. Who was I to express my jaded thoughts to anyone so bluntly? My frustration with myself worsened as I realized I was giving validation to a voice in my head and this surreal dream of having an equine form. It was a lucid sleep, I would wake up any moment now.
Had you considered that is why I'm here?
I couldn't see her, but I could see her raised eyebrow, the hint of a teasing grin. Wasn't she a villain, last I had known? Why would she be so tender now, then? I scowled, snapping silently at myself for attempting to rationalize the irrational.
You aren't meant for this existence, little pony. Our worlds are leaking into each other around you, you'd do better in a world suited for magical beings.
"That's a bit contrived." I licked my lips nervously. Truthfully, her words felt exciting. I'd felt that way so many times, too many times to count, but to be told them made me skeptical of the validity of the messenger.
Does it matter if it left you entertained?
I couldn't argue with her.
"The chat was nice, but I need to find somewhere to lay down." I murmured, my wings beginning to burn from being overworked while still fresh and previously unused. I scanned the area, a spark igniting as I recalled a space I could hide for the time it would take to rest. My body was like an eel slinking around in the velvet waters of the night sky, dancing through the clouds as I made my way to a place that rested in my hazy memory.
The place I sought was a small, forested inlet that licked the rocky beach a short walk from where I had lived. The surrounding area was densely coated in fertile trees bearing fruits heavy with sweet juice, dark green bushes mottled with brightly colored petals. The waves crashed against the cliff-side, the salty spray dampening my skin as I nestled into the lush grass. The sounds of the ocean was a lullaby, if I had not gone numb from the fear I believe they would have calmed my nerves.
Fear, I had decided solemnly, was a type of anesthetic. My head felt like it was still in the clouds, my hooves unresponsive to tactile sensations, my soul hovered above my unusual form. The feeling of my heartbeat rippled inside of my flesh, each beat echoing in my bones, it’s rhythm sang me an earthly song to remind myself I was alive.
Alive… was this being alive? I pulled my limbs to myself, bare and awkwardly spindly. I felt like an infant animal, some part of me held the innate knowledge of how to pilot this mess of muscle and bones, yet the forefront of my consciousness still had to learn the intricacies and art of moving with grace and ease.
I moved my swan-like neck to curl further into myself, resting my heavy skull into the nest of lush grass and flowers that seemed to always be in bloom. Their fragrance painted swirling colors behind my closed eyelids, the rushing sounds of a nearby waterfall feeding the hungry sea drowned out the sound of my thoughts.
Please rest well, little pony. Soon you will need to run.
“Run…?” The words slipped from my breathless lips, pressing closer into the sweet smells of nature enveloping me in a kindly hug.
I will explain when you awaken.
Her voice seemed to lull me deeper, my muscles feeling too weak to even shift my sleeping position. I wondered if she was shrouding me in a spell, but I was too tired to even consider caring about that now. I’d care about it later… I would care about all of this later. I was too tired to think anymore… The world slipped into a serene nothing, no sounds of birds singing while water rushes, no warm breeze to lick my fur and wet it with salt.
I was awoken by flashing lights and the cacophony of human curiosity.
Author's Note
Happy New Years Eve!! I wanted to try to get one more chapter out before the end of the decade, I really hope you all enjoy! Like stated elsewhere, an alter going by Purple Star has helped me with editing and writing. She states she prefers MNiNM over She Doesn't Smile because I love to get needlessly verbose and that's fun for her.
Thank you to everyone who has read and favorited this fic! So many of you have, and each notification I get makes me super happy. I'm really glad to be able to put something out there people still enjoy ALMOST SEVEN YEARS LATER! It's amazing to me!
Here's your backstory for this chapter: My schizophrenia often manifests in delusions more-so than hallucinations. Some of my recurring delusions are either that I am an immortal god, or otherwise some kind of anomaly that shouldn't exist here and needs to return to my proper timeline. While rewriting MNiNM I was wondering what justification Nightmare Moon would give to why she decides to possess a random child. Since so much of it is already heavily drawing from my real life experiences of living with dissociative and psychotic disorders, it would be interesting to include those delusions as a way to push the plot forward. It's a bit contrived, but really, isn't ALL fiction contrived?
That's all I have for now! Purple Star and I wish you all have a safe and happy 2020, everyone! See you all next decade!
