No Such Person At Address
Princess Twilight Sparkle was frantic. It was two days until her first Hearth's Warming as the Princess of all of Equestria, and there was too much left to do for the time remaining.
Celestia was lounging in a nearby chair, watching with bemusement.
"Spike!" Twilight exclaimed. "Add 'feed security geese' to the pre-Hearth's-Warming-to-do list." She was busy scribbling in the post-Hearth's-Warming-pre-New-Year's checklist of her own.
Spike unrolled his list, and scrolled to the end. It was full of writing all the way to the bottom. "I can't. I'm out of paper."
"Then add 'Get more paper' to the list also!"
"Ahhh! And the changelings! I can't forget about the meeting with King Thorax!" Twilight levitated down one of the dozen letters and other objects orbiting above her head. She copied some piece of data off the letter, onto her checklist.
"Celestia, are you going to help at all?!"
"Over the past six months, I've prepared you—"
"I know, I know, you've prepared me for every eventuality, but this holiday is way too busy! Can't you at least do... something, anything?"
"I've already handed every legal power off to you," responded Celestia. "Besides, I'll be off to Silver Shoals just after Hearth's Warming Day, and you'll have to learn to work under pressure eventually."
The door to the grand royal office opened, and Raven Inkwell entered.
"Also," Celestia added, looking toward Raven, "you need to learn to offload some of your work to the castle staff; that's what they're there for."
"This is correct. We serve the crown. We are your tools to help you complete the rigorous requirements needed by your country. I can also help you if you just need a friend from time to time."
"Thanks Raven. You've already been very helpful in both those regards over these past few months. Do you think you can find a way to cram all this stuff into some kind of schedule?"
"Yes, Princess. But, I think some of these jobs can be offloaded to other staff in the castle. You are more qualified than you think, but everyone needs to ask for help from time to time."
"Spike, add this to the list: 'reassign tasks to castle staff.'"
"We're still out of paper for that list."
Twilight's brain felt like it was about to seize up and stop working. "I have the worst headache right now. I think I need a break."
Raven moved in to help her, massaging her scalp just behind the ears.
"Do you remember the organizational strategies we discussed, Princess? There are more than just checklists. Keep in mind the outlines, flowcharts, mindmaps..."
"Mindmaps." Twilight remembered her discussions with Raven. She had particularly enjoyed the talk they'd had on mindmaps, and decided she would make good use of them.
Between the pleasant memories and the massaging behind her ears, her head started feeling better.
"Spike, please add one more item to the list," said Raven. "Twilight needs to acquire a gift for her assigned recipient in the Canterlot Castle Staff Gift Exchange."
"No, I didn't register this year," Twilight denied. "Maybe next year if it's less busy."
"You didn't...?" Raven gave her a strange look. "My mistake. In any case, I'm going to draw up a schedule for the remaining tasks and appointments of the year, if that pleases Your Highness." Raven began writing on the back of Spike's list.
"Uh, sure. And you don't have to be so formal behind closed doors."
"Now," said Celestia, "if you'll excuse me, I need to be fitted for a series of exquisitely soft royal bathrobes, for my use at Silver Shoals." She walked out.
"Has Celestia always been this impossible?" asked Twilight.
"She's far more chaotic good than she lets on," responded Raven. "It's always been a chore helping her put on her standard graceful, lawful good appearance. No doubt Your Highness will be much easier in this regard, considering just how organized you are."
"Aww, thanks!" Twilight turned away, blushing. "I take pride in being the most organized I can be."
Raven finished her writing. "OK. Here is the event sequence diagram."
Spike hopped up on the table to look at the diagram. "Uh, wow. That's really full, and why are there eight things in this one column here?"
"Because there is no other time for any of those appointments. The castle geese need to be fed on a strict schedule, or they develop digestive problems and soil the entire castle grounds. The royal wedding planning committee set their meeting time weeks ago, and too many ponies are on it to change it now. The appointment with Jet Set is not an appointment of any official nature, but he comes in every Monday evening at around this same time, and demands to complain to royalty about the same thing every time. The Hearth's Warming Eve pageant will be having its final dress rehearsal at that time, and it's too late to change it. Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns expects your address before departing for the holiday, and had classes up until that very hour.
"There's also one personal favor that I've asked you for at that time, if it's not too much trouble."
"Trouble?" Twilight studied the schedule intently. "Raven, this time is septuple-booked already. I don't think I can." Twilight hugged Raven sadly. "I'm sorry; I don't even know how I'll deal with these existing appointments. What did you want me for that has to be at this exact time?"
"It's about the Gift Exchange. I have made the mistake of giving an incorrect gift. I had thought my gift was to be given to..." Raven hesitated. "...Princess Luna. In fact, I was actually designated to give a gift to Princess Celestia."
"How'd you make a mistake like that?" Spike asked.
Raven removed a slip of paper from her hair, and presented it to Spike. The slip read:
Her Royal Highness, Prncss...
The rest was illegible, condensed the rest into an unreadable mess, as if the pony writing it had not anticipated running out of space due to the long name.
"I have since had it clarified that this actually reads 'Princess Celestia' at the end."
"What was your gift?" Twilight asked.
"I will not reveal that. I will only say that the gift I have chosen would be terribly inappropriate for Celestia, and she would be very offended. She must not see it. The gift exchange staff are very serious about security. They do not allow anyone to remove a gift once submitted, not even a princess, and the room is kept under constant guard in a magic-resistant room. There will only be one chance to do this: at the same time as the other appointments."
"I feel for you. But I still don't know how I can handle eight appointments at the same time. Unless... !"
"No time travel," Spike reprimanded. "Just, no."
Twilight's ears fell.
"All of these appointments are non-negotiable in schedule, but your presence may be negotiable. I believe we may be able to delegate some of these responsibilities. As Celestia said earlier, we will need to rely on the castle staff."
"That's a good idea. We should call on some of the staff. Spike, how much time do I have between now, and the next item on the schedule."
"Uh... your meeting with King Thorax is in... one minute."
"Oh no, no, no! I have to go! When I get back, let's meet again to plan the rest of this."
Thorax dipped his hoof on the blue ink pad, and stamped the treaty. "So, we're official allies now?"
"Yes. And more importantly, this is the first international treaty with the Changeling Kingdom, so for the first time, the changelings are now recognized as sovereign nation! Isn't it exciting?"
"Yay!" Thorax clapped his forehooves together. "That sounds really important! Thanks, Twilight. You're a good friend." Thorax hugged her.
Twilight laughed awkwardly, and hugged back, trying not to get blue ink on her.
"Will you be staying for tomorrow night's Hearth's Warming Eve pageant?" Twilight asked. "I can get you a few tickets, if you'd like."
"I wish. I'd love to see it, but I'm leaving tomorrow morning."
"Oh. Well. Safe travels, then!"
Unless... Twilight thought to herself.
There was a scaled up blueprint of the castle on the whiteboard in the grand royal office. It was centered on one specific room.
"Alright everycreature, this is the Canterlot Castle room 4317, or Meeting Room 12, also known by its current designation, the Gift Exchange Vault room."
"Twilight, who are you talking to?" Spike asked. "It's just me and Raven here."
Spike's question went unanswered. "The room is guarded by twenty-four hour security, until tonight, after the final cutoff for submitting gifts to the exchange. Early in the morning, the vault will be opened again, so that the gifts can be delivered. But, during that brief period in between, the vault will be unguarded."
Twilight levitated a spell matrix diagram onto the whiteboard, showing a complex series of spell runes. "While unguarded, the vault will have a protective enchantment on it. The walls, ceiling, and floor will be magic-proof and indestructible. The interior will have an anti-magic field to prevent any magic from working.
"The door will be alarmed to prevent lockpicking. Unlocking it requires a magical signature scan—"
"—which we can't fake—" interrupted Raven.
"—and a magic password—"
"—which we don't have," interrupted Raven again.
"The magic protecting the walls will be strong. Even with alicorn magic, we will only be able to cut a small hole into the shield.
"Now, we'll need to reserve room 5317, which is the room above the vault, and also the adjacent fifth floor rooms."
"Room 5317 should have five adjacent small rooms, plus one ballroom," Raven added.
"I've reserved the whole floor," said Spike.
Twilight and Raven stared incredulously at him.
"It seemed neater," he clarified.
"Then, all that's left is to find substitutes for Twilight's other appointments tonight."
"I already did, mostly. There are still two appearances I just can't avoid making, though."
"What will you do?" asked Raven.
"Spike, can you bring me my journal?"
Spike rummaged through a nearby box, and then held up a book. "Got it here."
"Excellent. I need to write a couple letters."
Spike peeked around the corner. "Clear."
Twilight proceeded past him, into room 5317.
Where is Raven? she thought. Twilight looked back, and found Raven a dozen steps behind, moving slowly while fumbling with their toolkit.
Twilight grabbed Raven and the kit in her telekinesis, and pulled them into the room. When Raven yelped, Twilight covered her mouth with a hoof.
Spike slipped into the room, peeked out the cracked door, and then shut it. "Nopony followed us."
"Let's get started," said Twilight. She cast Hard Bargain's Private Negotiation on the room. "There, now, nopony will be able to hear us."
Raven's eyes took on an excited glow, and her normally stoic appearance shifted into a cunning smile. "This is actually really exciting. I've never done anything like this before, even during Princess Celestia's covert prank war with Princess Luna. I almost can't believe we're about to break into our own home, Canterlot Castle."
"I know. I'm excited too, but let's just stay focused. What's our first maneuver?"
"Of course, Princess. The gift vault is guarded with double Twelfth Barrier, with an additional anti-magic field. Please cast a high power general counterspell."
Twilight concentrated, and magically prodded the force field under the floor. Solid as polished steel, it didn't budge. She slowly ramped up her power, and felt a hole finally appear, only a centimeter at first. As she increased her power output, the hole enlarged, until it was large enough for a pony to fit barely through.
Twilight's magic strained. A bead of sweat rolled down her face. "Think that's big enough?"
Raven's horn started glowing a vivid purple, as she prodded to feel for the location and size of the hole. Her magic intertwined with Twilight's, bumping up against it in an oddly intimate way. "That's perfect. Let me get the saw..."
Twilight's concentration broke, and the hole quickly shrunk back down to nothing. "Ah! Sorry. Raven... I'm sorry if this sounds, well..." Twilight blushed. "Touching our magic together is a little bit distracting."
Raven's cunning smile faded back to her normal, professional poker-face expression. "Of course, Your Highness. It was too forward of me to presume to touch a princess's magic. I beg forgiveness."
"No, it's fine—I mean, not that I—I hereby make no statement regarding the appropriateness of touching a princess's magic. It's just that I need absolute concentration."
"Great," said Spike, a look of annoyance on his face. "Now, can we get on with it?"
Twilight grunted in agreement, and returned to casting the counterspell. Once the hole was big enough (this time, measured visually, by the size of Twilight's magic aura), Raven created a telekinetic jab saw, and stabbed it deep into the floor. She alternately pulled it in and out. Bits of wood and plaster flung into the air as she sawed a circle into the floor. The sawing was conspicuously loud, and Twilight almost asked her to stop, until she remembered she had a sound shield up.
Slowly but surely, Raven went all the way around the circle. Finally, the center of the hole fell through the floor.
Below them, was the gift vault.
It was full of gifts of all shapes and sizes, and all grades of packaging, from old newspaper to shiny gold leaf wrapping paper.
Twilight released her counterspell, and took a moment to catch her breath.
"Now," said Raven, levitating a rope out of the kit. "Magic doesn't work inside the vault, so I'll lower you down. Then, you can swap the gifts, and I'll lift you back up."
Raven held the rope in up to Twilight's waist, using her forehooves. "With Your Highness's permission, of course. May I?"
They looked into each other's eyes for a moment. "Sure, go ahead." Twilight blushed. The hairs of her coat stood up at Raven's touch.
"Gah." The barely-pubescent dragon face-clawed at the display of emotion.
Raven wrapped the rope four times around Twilight's waist. The touch of Raven's hooves instead of her magic, was unexpected, but not unpleasant. The feeling of another pony's hooves on her body (especially one that was such a close friend) was unfamiliar to Twilight, and gave her a strange tickling feeling.
Raven tucked one loop under Twilight's wings, and Twilight trembled as the rope brushed against them.
Raven finished by tying a loose-holding knot on all four loops of the rope, so that when she pulled on the end, the rope didn't tighten around Twilight's waist.
"Twilight?" Raven queried. "Are you ready?"
Twilight blinked a few times, and realized that her eyes had been closed. She looked around. Both Raven and Spike were staring at her.
Raven smiled sympathetically.
Spike rolled his eyes.
"I'm ready." Twilight put on an aggressive face, trying to make the statement more true.
She lowered herself into the hole, hanging by her forelegs. Raven pulled on the rope, holding it tight. Once Twilight felt the tension under her belly, she let go of the edge. Raven slowly lowered her down.
Centimeter by centimeter, she went down into the darkness.
This is an interesting feeling, Twilight thought. My weight is being totally supported by another pony. From her hold on the rope, she is lifting my entire body. I feel oddly vulnerable, but it's alright because I trust her.
As Twilight's eyes adjusted to the dark, her thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of a goose nest.
The geese!
Twilight needed to take countermeasures before they started honking the alarm! But where were the geese? The nest was empty. She looked around, but couldn't find any. She mentally shrugged, and proceeded to the next step.
In the dim light coming from the room above, Twilight easily found the gift that was her target. As Raven had described, it was midnight blue with a purple ribbon around it, with the ribbon tied into a bow on the top. There was a "#71" label on it.
It was also enormous.
The blue and purple package was, by far, the biggest gift in the whole vault. Rectangular in shape, it was longer that her own body, and wide enough that it would barely fit through the hole in the ceiling.
Twilight had a feeling she knew roughly what was in the box, and she knew exactly why Raven didn't want this gift going to the wrong recipient.
"Easy, now... I'm just going to swing a little bit to the left." Twilight swung her body slightly.
"Mff... affirmative," grunted Raven, under the pressure of holding the rope. "Please be careful."
"Now, just lower me down about ten more centimeters." Twilight swung her body just a bit more. At the peak of her swing, she would be just over the gift.
Suddenly, the rope loosened. Twilight panicked, and reached up with her magic to grab the knot. Her telekinesis failed, as the room's enchantment drained the energy from her horn as soon as she cast.
The rope slipped fully through the knot, and Twilight fell to the floor.
"Oof!" A tumble and several hoofstep came from above, as Raven had presumably fallen backwards when the tension released.
"Wait... what the hay am I doing?" Twilight face-hoofed.
Twilight got up off the floor, grabbed the large blue present, and flew straight back up to the hole. She shoved the gift through the hole, then flew back to the floor.
"There. Much easier."
"You mean we could have done this all along?" Spike called through the hole, rubbing both his temples with his claws.
Raven laughed softly. "I honestly thought pegasus magic wouldn't work either!" She looked down at Twilight. "Here's the replacement."
The white and gold package, now with the "#71" label, fell through the hole. Twilight caught it, and put it in the pile.
She flew up to the hole, and Spike and Raven pulled her through.
Raven's horn glowed. "Crazy's Carefully Cut Carbon Crystal!" she shouted. The plaster dust in the air flew back into the hole from where it had come. The fallen circle of floor flew up from the vault, and rejoined the floor. Various bits and pieces of room flew into place and rebuilt themselves into the ceiling of room 4317 and the floor of room 5317. A moment later, the floor looked like nothing had happened at all. A soft pop signaled the sealing of the hole in the vault's magical shield.
Everyone sighed in relief.
"I can't believe we just did that. I'm sorry; I should not have asked you for this."
"It's OK. Everyone needs favors sometimes, and I think this was for the best. I can't even imagine the scandal if Celestia opened this in front of everyone."
"Wait, what's in the box?" Spike reached to tear off the wrapping paper.
"No!" Twilight lifted him into the air telekinetically. "Spike, you're too young... uh, I mean, Raven still probably wants to give this gift to Luna. So, let's not open it, OK?"
"Yes..." said Raven. She looked at the floor and smiled softly. "to Luna."
They packed up the kit, and dispelled the noise shield spell.
As they walked down the hallway of the fifth floor, Raven asked, "What did you do about all those other things on the schedule?"
"I worked them out. Most of them I convinced someone else to do. Blueblood, who is currently the only royalty available, is meeting Jet Set; sometimes it takes an unpleasant pony to deal with an unpleasant pony.
"The legislature is being addressed by the secretary of legislature's 14-year-old daughter. It should be heart-wrenching enough to get them to cooperate, and go home for the holidays."
"And I even got Celestia to do the royal wedding planning meeting in my place."
"Really? How?"
"There's a sample dinner tasting. Including five types of cake."
Raven laughed. "She would go for that."
Spike chimed in, "and I handled the Silver Spell's tax problem. It actually only took a couple minutes. I can't believe how much he exaggerated his problem. Are all nobles like that?"
Raven and Twilight laughed together.
"So, those things I managed to delegate. As for the geese, I had them permanently reassigned..."
Luna had never entrusted the caring of the security geese to any other pony. Now, this new princess had delegated it to the royal guard.
General Twinklehorn put a hoof to his chin in thought. Was Princess Twilight going soft on security? ...no, of course not. Caring for geese was not for the rank of a princess. Nor was it for the rank of a general.
"Captain Spearhead!" he barked, lifting a large bag of birdseed onto his desk. "I have a job for you."
"Flash Sentry. I've got something for ya. C'mere."
"Yes, Captain? What is it?"
"Here." Spearhead hoofed over a heavy bag of birdseed. As a captain, feeding birds was not exactly in his job description. He was way more awesome than that. Flash, on the other hoof, would be perfect for this.
"The castle geese need to be fed. It's gonna be your responsibility to make sure it gets done. Think you can handle it?"
"You can count on me, sir," Flash answered.
"Private Gallus," called Flash Sentry. "Everycreature starts somewhere, and in the guard we all have to do dirty jobs sometimes. I want you to take this bag of seed, and feed all the geese in the castle. I know it sounds menial, but somecreature has to do it."
Upon entering the throne room, Private Gallus found it dark and empty. There were, in fact, no geese there at all. Each nest was completely vacant, as the birds had all flown south for the winter. Not wanting a good bag of seed to go to waste, Gallus did what any resourceful and hungry griffon would do.
"OK, so the guards will handle the geese from now on," said Raven. "But there were two appointments that were non-negotiable. How did you get out of showing up to those?"
"Don't worry, I attended them." She turned to Spike. "No time travel, no mirror pond, no cloning. I promise."
Twilight Sparkle was ecstatic. The pageant had been amazing.
She couldn't get out of going to the final dress rehearsal. The performers had said that she and her friends were an inspiration to them all, and she had made a promise. But now, after seeing it, she didn't know why she would ever want to miss it.
"That was perfect!" Tears were streaming out of her eyes. There was also possibly drool coming out of her mouth.
"The camaraderie, the cooperation; it's all so believable! Even when you had to go into the cave, the feelings of despair were garnished with empathy, as a common obstacle that you faced together. It's clear that your performance is based not on acting like friends, but by actual friendship between the actors! It's real love! Not some knockoff diet margarine and aspartame thing; it's really real! It's so real... that I can taste it!"
Twilight dabbed her mouth with a napkin. "Thank you all so much for showing me that."
She burped softly. "Uh, excuse me."
Twilight Sparkle ascended the stairs of the auditorium. She pulled the speech out of her ceremonial professor's robe, and placed it on the podium.
"Good evening. I would like to welcome all the parents, families, and friends of our students who have come to Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns to be here for Hearth's Warming Eve, as well as to greet those who will be returning home for the holidays with their students..."
Her mind wandered off. The speech was prewritten, and her only job was to read it.
Read a line off the page.
Memorize the next line.
Look up, look around the room, and speak the memorized line.
Look down, read another line, and repeat.
It wasn't even hard, given that she had no stage fright. Twilight was extremely nearsighted, and all she could see was colorful blobs, not individual people. The speech and the podium were her entire world; they were all she could see.
"In conclusion, the students of CSGU are wonderful, and continue to amaze me every semester. I look forward to continuing to work with you all, and I wish everyone - I mean, everypony - a happy Hearth's Warming."
Twilight descended the stairs, and wandered backstage, until she found the familiar yellow-red blob.
Twilight felt her glasses being levitated back onto her, and the yellow-red blob resolved into a recognizable face.
"You were perfect," said Sunset Shimmer.
With their task completed, Twilight, Raven, and Spike retired for the night. The following day was Hearth's Warming Eve, and ponies exchanged gifts as per their usual tradition. Twilight received no security reports, so assumed her tampering with the gift vault went undetected.
Twilight and Raven watched the Hearth's Warming Eve pageant together. It was good, as it was every year.
On the morning of Hearth's Warming Day, all the ponies in Canterlot were opening their gifts, as the tradition went.
Celestia held a white and gold box with a "#71" label on it. "This is the gift I received from the exchange." She sliced through the paper, revealing a wooden chest.
Twilight, Raven, Spike, and Luna watched in anticipation.
She opened the chest, and looked at the contents. "Foal's breath tea. How wonderful! It's fresh, not even wrapped in bags. It is well known in Canterlot that I like tea, but this gift is truly remarkable."
"The anonymous sender must have purchased that from the Kirin merchant that was in town this month," said Raven. "The Peaks of Peril are the only place to get that type of tea." She winked at Twilight.
"Spike," said Luna, "this gift is for you." She levitated up an unwrapped gift. It was a perfectly smooth, transparent cylinder. "This is a monocrystalline sapphire. Enjoy."
Spike received the gift with both claws, with his eyes nearly glowing in excitement.
"Raven, I think you have a gift you forgot to give," Twilight asked.
"Ah, yes, of course." Raven levitated the long midnight blue package out from a bag. "Twilight, this is for you."
Twilight would have choked if she had been drinking anything. "What, wait, for me?" She took the gift, and unwrapped it.
It was an unlabelled cardboard box.
She opened the lid...
...and found exactly what she had worried she would find.
She closed the lid, blushing. "I think I'll open this one later. Raven, do you think you could help me with it?"
"My pleasure, Your Highness."
