In which Cheerilee is bemoaned upon by Princess Cadance
In the light of a lamp Cheerilee sat on her couch reading a novel. The day had waned and the night settled in. A few ponies still bustled around outside, taking down the last of the banners from the festival. Other than that, it was a pretty quiet night.
She turned the page in her book. She was thoroughly engrossed in the story. It was the latest in a series action-adventure stories about a small-town teacher who got swept up into a conspiracy to take down the Manehatten elites using an ancient artifact hidden in the desert of Saddle Arabia. The teacher, a kind-hearted, beautifully plain-looking Earth pony, used her knowledge and burgeoning feminine wiles to solve puzzles and get her out of trouble. Along the way she found a love interest in muscular stallion who seemed brash and menacing up front but was actually gentle and emotional on the inside. The two had yet to express their love for each other in words but twice in every book they would somehow meet. Intimacy always followed. And thankfully the author didn’t skimp on the details. Cheerilee reread those parts several times before moving on.
Tonight, however, since she’d already made it past the first descriptive romantic entanglement a few nights ago she continued on with the harrowing tale. She was now following the fictional teacher as she was being chased by a gang of fashionistas who planned to do all sorts of unsavory and not-for-children things to her. Cheerilee’s eyes raced across each line, anxious to just to get to the next word. Her breathing slowly quickened. Her mind was lost in the story.
This was exactly what she was hoping would happen. After the events of the last 24 hours, she needed a healthy dose of distraction. She’d been accosted by two inebriated princesses. They vented about a recent squabble they had and saw her as the perfect pony at which to vent. Perhaps they expected her to solve their problems? Worse still was the fact that, despite these events taking place in crowded venues, nopony else had seemed to notice. It was as though she stopped existing to everypony else when the princesses were present. She’d spent the better part of the day pondering over this bit and hadn’t reached any satisfactory conclusion. So getting lost in this story was a welcome relief.
Page after page, line after line, the story grew darker and the tension ramped up. Oh, what had had the heroine gotten herself into this time? The action was reaching its climax when suddenly it stopped. The heroine had been whisked from the scene by an unknown pony. Wait, could it be?! It was! Her lover! Oh, what a surprise this was! This was the middle of the book no less; he usually didn’t show up again until the end. Could that mean that there would be three love scenes between these two in this book? Cheerilee settled in and eagerly waded into the upcoming intimacy. It was getting hot. It was getting steamy. And oh so descriptive. She felt her own temperature rise. This was getting so good.
THUMP!
Cheerilee jumped so much she nearly fell off the sofa. She caught her breath as she retrieved the book, which had fallen on the floor. As she placed the book marker in the book and set the book on the coffee table she frowned at the interruption. She didn’t know where it came from but it sounded like from somewhere around the front door.
THUMP!
She jumped again but this time she located the source of the noise. It was definitely the door. She took a few cautious steps towards the door and stopped. She heard what sounded like somepony talking just outside. A few more steps and she stopped again. More talking. It was definitely a mare’s voice. Briefly she worried that Celestia or Luna had tracked her down but then the voice spoke again and it was unfamiliar to her. It sounded –
THUMP!
She jumped again. She listened to the voice. It sounded distressed and sad. She couldn’t make out any words but she knew the mare must be in some kind of trouble. Slowly, she made her way to the front window and peered out from the curtains. From that angle she couldn’t see the mare’s face but her eyes went wide when she saw the cutie mark. What was she doing here?! Of all the ponies Cheerilee thought might show up at her doorstep, she wasn’t one of them. She scrunched her face in confusion and walked over to the door. She opened it.
“Princess Cadance,” she bowed, “It’s an honor to meet you.”
“Are…Are you?”
“Am I what?” Cheerilee asked, looking up. “Oh no.”
“I’m…I’m. There was a door here,” she muttered as she seemed to sway in place and inspected the threshold. Cheerilee could smell alcohol on her breath. And all over her. Her mane was ragged and unkempt and her face looked like she’d been awake for at least twenty-four hours. “I’m not jus’ a crown. I make babies. I’ve made a baby, damnit!”
“Y-yes.”
“But Shiny…Shinny…Shinerific don’t want me no mores.”
“What? Are you serious? No, wait, why did you come here? Why me?”
“He’s such a hunky chunk o’ stallion meat. Wuz he want with liddle ol’ me?”
“This is ridiculous,” Cheerilee sighed, but still couldn’t help but blush at how Cadance described her husband. “Why don’t you talk to one of the other prin…Ok, bad idea. Well, why not Twilight?”
“Who?”
“Oh. My. Curse words.” The teacher couldn’t believe what she was hearing.
“I mean, I’m pretty. Ish. Ish ish. SHH! It’s a secret.”
“Everypony knows you’re pretty,” Cheerilee countered monotonously.
“Do they?! Wait…they do?! Oh, woe is my prettiness!”
Cheerilee recoiled at the volume of the lament and looked past the princess and hoped nopony saw. She quickly made the decision to invite Cadance in, even though she knew that even if any other pony was around they would conveniently not notice anyway. She let out an exasperated sigh as the princess wobbled her way into the house. With a last look at the dark of Ponyville she closed the door.
Inside, Cadance continued lamenting herself. “I mwean…I mwean…I mean I mean is what I mwean. I mean, why don’t I gets a hot romantic stud of a stallion?”
“You’re married to Shining Armor,” Cheerilee said flatly. “You’ve got one.”
“Don’t I get a trypst?”
“A what?”
“Tyspt. Tryt. S.”
“Tryst?”
“A tryst?! The idea very idea! But still…”
“Uh, again, you’re married to Shining Armor.”
Cadance wandered aimlessly around the house. “Pruna and Eclestia are just jelss...jelsics. Jelluz. Pfft! Old hags. They’z just jells…not happy that they can’t get my Shiny. They always wanting an ‘audience’ – buuurrrp! - with him. Especially the blue one. Always tryna get him t’look at them. But not me! Theyz never want me to look. Prissy prude pollops. Pfft. Hags.”
“I…wow. I have no idea what to say to that.”
Cadance’s horn lit up, albeit in a flickering sort of way, and from the kitchen floated a wine glass over to her. Also, from behind some books on a large bookshelf floated a bottle of wine. “I mean, I mean, I meeeeeean, they never invested me over fer tea. I’m like tea. Who’s not liking tea? Not me! I put the tea in mistress!” She poured some wine for herself before taking a big swig from the bottle.
“To be fair, you do have the Crystal Empire to rule. I’m sure they’d invite you if they knew you had the time. Also, how did know where that was?” she asked, watching the bottle.
“Posh pish, you magically colored…flippin’ thing.”
“My name is Cheerilee.”
“Says who?”
Cheerilee shook that off. “Your Highness, what exactly are you doing here?”
Cadance woozily studied Cheerilee. “’Tis not obvi-yus, Shark Leap? I’ve been cast asunder. And the asunder rolls. My husband…don’t look at me anysmore…”
Cheerilee sighed and calmed herself. “Your Highness, with all due respect, could it be that because you had a baby that Shining Armor has refocused his attention and that’s why it seems like he doesn’t always have time for you? Plus, he also has his duties to attend to. Maybe you should talk to him. I’m sure he might also feel something similar.”
Cadance looked as though she was almost comprehending something. “Who had a baby?”
“Oh, Tartarus take me!” growled Cheerilee, burying her face in her hoof.
Undeterred, Cadance continued. “Did you know that the white one had a breakfast infection? Did you? I’m didn’t.”
“A what?”
“The pancake batter bug. Thing. Thingy.”
“The waffle fleas?”
“THAT’S IT!” Cadance bellowed happily. “I haven’t a clue, but what sorts of waffle would inhabit a flea? The nerve!” She shook the wine glass. Despite the glass moving around wildly no wine seemed to spill. She then wobbled her way into Cheerilee’s bedroom, an action which Cheerilee found less than ideal.
“Your highness! Please, um, that’s my bedroom. Would you like to come sit on the couch? Can I offer you a cup of coffee?”
The pink alicorn did not seem to hear Cheerilee and stumbled over to the bed. She poked at the mattress, caressed the comforter, and gently pushed on the pillow. She smooshed her face onto the comforter and stayed still for a moment.
“This bed, Charred Eel,” she said, her voice muffled in the blanket, “is large enough for two. Where is your stallion?”
“I…umm…well, I don’t have one.”
“The smell of love doesn’t lie,” she sang absently, lifting her head. “I can smell passion on this bed.” Cheerilee turned beet red. “Recent. Just last night. And yet this night the bed remains passionless.”
“It…it was a one-night thing. Spur of the moment. I…I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
“You were attracted to him. Physically…and emotionally. But if you insist he’s not for you then surely you can find another stallion.”
“I’m not really looking for another one, uh, I mean, looking for one.”
“Nonsense! There are plenty of stallions in this town. Find one and bring him here!” Cadance ordered, gesturing to the bed.
“Umm…no. Why?”
“I shall give you pointers on your performance.”
“What?!” Cheerilee blushed furiously.
“What?”
“I’m not…Nope! Princess, will all due respect, please get out of my bedroom.” She firmly pointed to the living room.
Cadance did not leave. She did the opposite. She crawled onto the bed and began to slowly move around, like she was trying to feel every inch of the furniture. It almost looked like she was trying to swim. A drunken, lazy, uncoordinated breast stroke. Then she rolled around a bit, still maintaining her languid pace. Cheerilee was so very confused and perturbed.
“Princess, please, get off my bed,” she pleaded through clenched teeth.
The princess stopped moving. She rested at an odd angle on the bed, her back half halfway on the pillows and her front half splayed out in the middle. “This bed is lonely, Shelfy. Like you. Like me.” Her voice was soft, distant, and tired.
Cheerilee stifled an exasperated growl. “You have a husband and a child! You have friends and an entire empire that loves you! Just talk with Shining Armor. Who knows, maybe there’s something bothering him as well. You won’t know until you ask. And talk to your friends. That’s what they’re there for.”
Cadance did not respond. Well, she did but with a gentle snore.
Cheerilee looked on incredulously as the Princess of Love drunkenly slept on her bed. The wine glass and bottle dropped. She was beyond frustrated. Beyond agitated. Beyond upset. This was beyond Diamond Tiara levels of emotional rancor and right up there in terms of frustration with her frequent dealings with the recidivist Cutie Mark Crusaders. No, this had easily approached Spoiled Rich levels of furor. She began to pace madly.
What was she going to do? Just drag Cadance off her bed and out of her home? No, that would make for a very suspicious scene. However, she couldn’t just leave her there on the bed. Could she? That would make for an awkward morning. And those things Cadance said, especially the accusations and suggestions about Cheerilee’s love life – that really rankled the teacher. Before she could feel too indignant Cadance rolled over and flopped off the bed.
She stood up as though nothing had happened and began walking toward Cheerilee. The earth pony moved out of the way when the princess showed no signs of stopping. She followed Cadance out of the bedroom, across the living room, and out the front door, all of which the princess did with her eyes closed.
Cheerilee watched in confusion and relief as Cadance flew off into the night. Her flight was just as wobbly as her walk. She looked like a moth, unable to keep a straight line. Then, with the grace of a hailstone, she crashed to earth.
The pink alicorn stood and stumbled off into the night, singing a lullaby to herself. Cheerilee shook her head, relieved. She closed the door and turned around.
“AH!”
“Ah…yerself,” mumbled Berry Punch, resting on the sofa and taking swigs from the wine bottle.
“How did you get in here?!”
“The wine. It calls. If it didn’t call you, you should leave.”
