Festivus for the Restivus

by MagnetBolt

Rating: everyone
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Random, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4412

Twilight Sparkle has been hiding a terrible secret from her friends. A secret so horrible, so terrible, that Hearth's Warming will never be the same again.

Everypony in Equestria loves Hearth's Warming! Right?

What if I told you that some ponies, maybe even some ponies very close to you, didn't actually celebrate it? Sure, she might celebrate Hearth's Warming the same way as everypony else in public, but what about in private?

Written as a gift for MrNumbers

Happy Holidays, no matter what you celebrate! Unless you celebrate the Ultrablack Necrosolstice, in which case I hope the bones of your friends and the bones of your enemies get all mixed up and confusing.

Published 2019-12-24 21:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-24 21:00:02 UTC

Familia, Querelis, Vires.

Once upon a time, Hearth’s Warming came to the little town of Ponyville. Actually, it came every year, and it was special and new every time it came, but this year was particularly special.

In this quaint little town, the least quaint thing wasn’t the giant crystal castle or the international school of friendship or even the local spirit of chaos. No, the least quaint thing was a pony named Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie Pie was a pony who could overturn traditions simply by standing next to them for too long. She was infamous for inventing new holidays and new ways to celebrate old holidays and celebrating nothing at all just to have a bit of fun with the leftover confetti from all the holidays that she had penciled in on her calendar.

So imagine how shocked she was when she found out some ponies didn’t celebrate Hearth’s Warming at all.

“What do you mean you don’t know what Hearth’s Warming is?!” Pinkie Pie gasped.

“I didn’t say that!” Twilight said, quickly. “I mean, I’ve celebrated it with all of you! I even did the play!”

“But you said--”

Twilight put her hoof on Pinkie’s mouth before she could continue. “I said my family doesn’t really celebrate it. There are lots of ponies that don’t.”

“No there aren’t!” Pinkie said. “But wait, if you don’t celebrate it… does that mean all the gifts you gave us over the years weren’t Hearth’s Warming gifts?! If it’s the thought that counts and you weren’t thinking about Hearth’s Warming they were just regular non-holiday gifts!”

Twilight hesitated. There were a few ways out of this situation and a lot that would drag her further into it and she wanted out. That meant finding the right path through whatever tangle of logic Pinkie Pie was currently twisted around.

“That’s a really interesting thought,” Twilight started, watching her friend’s face, which thankfully was even easier to read than an open book with a very large font and double spacing. “But they definitely count because… I gave them on Hearth’s Warming and… you took them as Hearth’s Warming gifts. And as you know, performative morality is the most important part of ethics because anypony can claim to hold anything in their heart but it’s what they do that affects the world.”

Pinkie calmed down slightly, so Twilight felt she was in the right area and tried to make a final strike.

“Besides,” Twilight said. “We still celebrate, just not in the traditional way. So it’s still a special time of year for us.”

Pinkie nodded, rubbing her chin. “Okay.”

“Great! So then the panic attack is over and we can get back to something productive? I was thinking--”

“We’re going to celebrate Hearth’s Warming the Twilight way!” Pinkie declared. “Which means not celebrating? Basically I’m trying to say I want to experience the holiday the same way you do.”

“Pinkie…”

“Please?” Pinkie asked. “You said you were going to visit your family anyway.”

Twilight sighed. “Okay. I’ll ask them if you can come. But I’m not promising anything! My mom is really very strict with the number of ponies at the dinner table and she plans everything out in advance!”

“Oh Twilight, I’m just so happy,” Velvet said, half-sobbing as she hugged her daughter. “I never thought you’d bring anypony home!”

Twilight grunted and blushed. “It’s not like that, mom…”

“It’s a mare?” Night Light asked. He shook his head. “Looks like I owe Cadance twenty bits.”

“Hi, I’m Pinkie Pie! You might remember me from your son’s wedding, several events where we received medals after saving Equestria, and Princess Cadance’s bachelorette party!”

“Were you the one with the glowsticks?” Velvet asked. “Or the one with the pineapple trick? Because I don’t want my daughter dating somepony who does the pineapple trick in public.”

“I was the caterer,” Pinkie said. “I don’t even know how to do the pineapple trick.”

“Good, because it’s illegal in most of Equestria,” Velvet said.

“What’s the pineapple trick?” Twilight asked.

“I’ll tell you when you’re older,” Velvet said. “Now come inside! It’s cold out there and we’ve got a nice fire going.”

Pinkie stepped inside, and it was the first time she’d walked into a home on Hearth’s Warming Eve that wasn’t actually decorated for Hearth’s Warming at all. That’s not to say it wasn’t festive or decorated, but it wasn’t the sort of Hearth’s Warming decor she was used to, and between her own youth and making up for it in excess over the years, she was used to everything from minimalist decor done entirely in earthtones to a literal explosion of color, confetti, and candy canes.

Silver streamers and mirrors were placed around the house, and the display centered around a bare metal pole, proudly displayed like it was a work of art.

“Wow!” Pinkie Pie gasped. “It’s so… shiny!”

“Went all out this year,” Night Light said, proudly. “I got a fresh coat of chrome on the Festivus pole.”

“Oh yes, and I helped your father polish his pole all night,” Velvet added.

“Mom!” Twilight hissed.

“Yes, dear?” Velvet asked, smiling.

Twilight gave her a look. The kind of look that said someone was pushing it and she was thinking about trying out some of her supreme executive authority.

“So Twilight said you’d explain all about Festivus when I got here!” Pinkie said. “Actually, she said I shouldn’t come and it was a bad idea and then she made a lot of sounds like ‘uuuuugh’ and ‘uuumph’ so I got her an extra hot cocoa with double marshmallows so she’d cheer up.”

“Festivus is an ancient holiday,” Velvet said. “It was practiced for thousands of years in Old Unicornia. It pre-dates Hearth’s Warming by generations!”

“The most important thing is spending time with family,” Night Light said. “Also the feats of strength!”

“Feats of strength?” Pinkie blinked.

“Oh no,” Twilight mumbled.

“Magical power was important in Old Unicornia, so naturally the holiday includes spell dueling!” Night Light said. “I… never win. But little Twily was reigning champion for a few years until she moved away. I was so impressed the first time she pinned down her big brother!”

“We’ll leave after dinner,” Twilight said, quickly. “There’s no reason Pinkie has to--”

“That sounds AMAZING!” Pinkie gasped. “I’m in!”

“I like your friend,” Velvet said. “She’s really got the holiday spirit.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Mooom…”

Velvet giggled. “Come on, your brother and Cadance are already at the table, and they brought a special guest!”

Twilight followed her mother into the dining room. “That’s nice. Is it Sunburst? He hasn’t come by in… a… long…”

She trailed off slowly, because Shining Armor was sitting between two Princess Cadances.

“...This is going to be one of those weeks,” Twilight mumbled. She sat down at the table.

“Maybe you’ve noticed something strange!” Cadance said, grinning.

“Something so strange it made you look twice!” the other Cadance continued.

“I get it,” Twilight grumbled. “But you know what? The airing of grievances isn’t until after dinner, so I’m going to have a pleasant meal and deal with this later.”

The first Cadance rolled her eyes and burst into flames, turning into Queen Chrysalis, exactly as Twilight already knew she would, because Twilight wasn’t an idiot.

“You really suck the fun out of things,” Chrysalis buzzed.

“And you’re a wanted criminal.”

“I’m working my way up to a royal pardon.”

“In bed!” the real Cadance added. She winked at Chrysalis and they bumped hooves. “Besides, Flurry Heart likes her, and my little girl is the best judge of character.”

“Where is she, anyway?” Twilight asked.

“Sunburst is taking care of her,” Shining Armor said. “You know things sometimes get out of hoof. I didn’t want her getting over-excited and accidentally using apocalypse magic. She’s too young to understand the house rules on large area-effect spells.”

“But Chrysalis is fine?” Twilight asked, more pointedly.

“Don’t be mad, Twilight,” Pinkie said. “The holidays are the best time to make new friends! And Queen Chrysalis is… good now?” She looked over at her.

Chrysalis shook her head.

“She’s having a pleasant dinner with us instead of conquering Equestria?” Pinkie tried.

Chrysalis nodded.

“...Which is basically the meaning of Hearth’s Warming! And also probably Festivus. I don’t really know anything about the history of Festivus. Or what it means. But there’s dinner and wrestling, so I’m pretty excited!”

“Speaking of dinner,” Shining Armor said. “My stomach is growling, Mom. Whatever you’re cooking smells great!”

“Oh, you do flatter me!” Velvet giggled. “Let me get things out of the oven. It’s all ready to go, I was just keeping dinner warm until everypony was here.”

“Did you have to bring Queen Chrysalis?” Twilight hissed, once their mother left the room.

“The airing of grievances comes after dinner, not before,” Night Light warned. “You know the rules.”

“The airing of grievances?” Pinkie asked.

“It’s when we tell everypony what we really got annoyed by since last Festivus. Them, other ponies, the world, no holds barred. The important thing is to get it out in the open so ponies know what they need to do to improve and where they’ve failed and where we really stand with each other.”

“It should be very interesting this year,” Twilight said through clenched teeth.

“Here we go!” Velvet said, putting a half-dozen platters and bowls down on the table. “When I heard Twily was going to be here, I made her favorite! Beetloaf!”

Twilight perked up. “With leek sauce?”

“Of course,” Velvet said. “And I made sure there’s enough for leftovers.”

Pinkie gasped at the sight of all the food. Her usual home cooking over the holidays involved boiling rocks until they made a rich mineral water broth and eating it in silence.

“So, we’ve got beetloaf,” Velvet said, pointing to a red loaf bigger than her head. “That’s made with shredded beets and some other secret ingredients. There’s leek sauce for it over here, along with mashed cauliflower, roasted turnips, broiled green beans, and ambrosia salad.”

“That’s just marshmallow fluff with fruit in it,” Twilight pointed out.

“Exactly like my mother used to make,” Velvet said. “It’s traditional.”

“It looks good to me,” Pinkie said, because she’d never seen a bowl filled with dessert and called a salad and already liked the idea.

“It’s so nice having the whole family here,” Velvet smiled. “Go ahead and serve yourselves. I’ll pop open a bottle of wine.”

The wine was, in retrospect, maybe not the best idea. The first bottle had helped everypony relax. By the time they’d uncorked the third, they’d started yelling.

“She’s literally an evil monster!” Twilight shouted, pointing at Cadance.

“Do you mean me, or…” Cadance hesitated and looked at Chrysalis. The changeling queen shrugged.

“You’re letting my brother snuggle with the creature that… well, she did a lot of things. I don’t even know where to start.”

“She does mean me,” Cadance sighed.

“And you!” Twilight pointed at Shining Armor. “Isn’t Cadance enough for you?”

“There is literally no good way to answer that,” Shining Armor said.

“Tell her about my ovipositor,” Chrysalis whispered.

Shining Armor paled, which was impressive since he was already white. “That’s a terrible idea!”

“Oh! Can I have a turn?” Pinkie raised her hoof. “Twilight, sometimes I feel really down because you don’t take me seriously.”

Twilight blinked, not expecting anypony to have grievances to air against her, especially not Pinkie. “What?”

“I know you’ve gotten a little better at it but sometimes it feels like you just think I’m sort of silly or I don’t mean things that I tell you. I know part of that is because I try to stay positive and you think criticism is the only way to maturely evaluate something, which by the way is super depressing to be around when you shoot down ideas for having tiny flaws without even trying--”

“I don’t do that!” Twilight said.

“You do it a little bit, honey,” Velvet said. “You plan things out and look at all the ways something can fail. I know you think you’re trying to help by telling ponies where they can improve, but it just comes across as nitpicking.”

“This is because I think Shining Armor shouldn’t sleep with an evil monster. That’s what this is about, isn’t it?”

“Well, I meant more with things like…” Pinkie considered her words carefully, which should have been an indication to the wise that she was being very serious about this. “You know how I’ve been spending a lot of time with you? And I wanted to spend the holidays with you and your family? And I keep taking you out to dinner and trying to pay for things and you insist on splitting the bill?”

“It’s the polite thing to do.”

“What I mean is, you didn’t even want me to come here tonight. And it felt like you were ashamed of being my friend.”

“What?! No! Pinkie!” Twilight sputtered. “It’s not like that at all!”

“Also I’ve been trying to ask you out for six months and you keep misinterpreting it and I’m starting to think it’s deliberate.”

“Owch,” Cadance hissed.

“I’ve noticed, okay?” Twilight huffed. “I’m just… I get scared because I think of all the things that could go wrong.”

“Like what?” Pinkie asked.

“We could find out things don’t work and we can’t get along and we break up and things are bad and then someone like Chrysalis comes around and conquers Equestria because I’m too depressed to do anything because I ruined things with one of my best friends and she’s taking notes for buck’s sake!”

“I’m only memorizing your weaknesses,” Chrysalis said, haughtily. “Anyway, I have my own grievances, you know! He snores!” She pointed at Shining Armor. “Cadance doesn’t. She’s perfect in every way, which really annoys me sometimes because I want her to be imperfect so she seems a little more like a real pony!”

“Hey, it’s really hard keeping up appearances all the time,” Cadance interjected. “I’m constantly under pressure and I just want to rebel and be… you know. More like you. But I can’t, because I’m stuck being a figurehead and mom! I feel like my whole life is planned out and that I’m kind of trapped and it makes me want to freak out but I have to keep it bottled up!”

“Oh honey…” Shining Armor hugged her, rubbing her back.

Velvet cleared her throat. “If it’s my turn, I’d really like it if you kids would write more and maybe visit once in a while.”

Shining Armor and Twilight both groaned.

“I only get to see you on the holidays! Is it too much to ask that we do more as a family?”

“Can we please just get to the feats of strength?” Twilight moaned.

“Ooh! I want to do those too!” Pinkie said, clapping her hooves.

“So be it!” Chrysalis declared, jumping onto the table. “You fools will face my wrath, and I will conquer this holiday event, and then… well, I don’t have an endgame planned out, but I will savor the sweet joy of conquest and--”

The chair shattered when Pinkie Pie brought it down on Chrysalis’ head. The changeling queen dropped like a rock.

“Pinkie!” Twilight yelled.

“Are chairs not allowed?” Pinkie asked.

Velvet giggled. “Oh no, they’re fine. It’s just that you want to let ponies finish monologuing! It’s the holidays, after all.”

Shining Armor looked closely at the back of Chrysalis’ head. “I hope she doesn’t have a concussion,” Shining Armor said. “I don’t want to have to explain her to the hospital.”

Cadance grinned and threw a spell at Shining Armor, who seemed distracted. It sputtered and evaporated on the bubble that appeared between them, pushing his chair and the table away as it expanded to full size.

Shining Armor smugly smirked from behind his shield. “It’s a simple spell, but quite unbreakable.”

“Honey, that’s a nerd reference,” Cadance sighed. “You know the rules on when you make nerd references.”

“Not to make them in front of Flurry Heart?” Shining Armor asked.

“And?” Cadance prodded, literally and physically, trying to find a weakness in his shield. It rolled slightly, like a ball with a pony trapped inside, when she put some force into it.

“And if I do it in private you’ll spank me?”

Cadance nodded, then lifted the whole shield ball up and shook it like a foal trying to figure out what was inside a tightly wrapped passage. Shining Armor bounced around inside until the shield finally popped and he slid to the floor. Cadance put a hoof on his chest.

“I’ll spank you later,” Cadance promised. Shining Armor nodded from the floor, too dizzy to speak.

“Cadance!” Twilight shouted. “It’s you and me now!”

“Royal rumble!” Cadance declared, charging at her. They collided with the fury of two immortal ponies with an impossible amount of might and no fear of death, ponies who had fought against the greatest terrors and horrors and horror-terrors in the universe and come out unscathed.

And they fought dirty.

“No!” Twilight wailed, when Cadance started tickling her.

“I used to foalsit for you, Twilight! I know all your weaknesses!”

Twilight gasped, trying to breathe as Cadance kept up the assault, writhing and giggling uncontrollably. “Y-you really are a monster!”

“Surrender and I’ll stop!” Cadance said. “Tap out!”

“I know your weaknesses too!” Twilight declared. She wiggled, struggling to get away from Cadance’s terrible assault.

“I have no weaknesses! I am the iron empress of the north, and all shall--”

Twilight blew a raspberry into Cadance’s belly, and the iron empress of the north burst out laughing.

“I yield!” Cadance gasped, between tears. “You win this round, Twilight.”

Velvet watched and shook her head, amused. She glanced at her husband.

“It looks like the kids are busy,” Velvet said. “Should we see who really wears the skirt in this relationship?”

“I still owe you for the old dining room table,” Night Light said, circling his wife. “It was an antique!”

“Honey, it wasn’t an antique, it was just old and falling apart and I proved it when you went right through it,” Velvet said. She fired a bolt of magic, more of a jab than anything else, and Night Light intercepted it, their magic streams crossing and building up with welling power.

“Have you been working out?” Night Light asked.

“No, you’re just getting old,” Velvet teased, putting a final burst of power into her attack and throwing the ball of light right at Night Light.

Night Light vanished in a burst of teleportation magic, reappearing behind his wife and letting the spell shoot past him.

“Nothing personal, honey,” Night Light said. He fired a blast into Velvet’s back, and the magic went right through her, the image of his wife flickering and fading into sparkles as the illusion vanished. He gasped in surprise, but it was already too late. The sleep spell hit him like the biggest carb coma in holiday history, and he hit the floor for the three-count.

“Always more of a lover than a fighter,” Velvet sighed, patting her sleeping Husband’s cheek.

“Incoming!” Pinkie yelled.

Velvet looked up to see the spell she’d thrown at her husband coming right for her, and behind it was Pinkie, holding one of the mirrors they’d decorated the house with.

“Oh shoot,” Velvet said, just before it hit.

Twilight looked around. Everypony was on the ground, groaning, or just watching from a safe distance.

“It’s just you and me now, Pinkie,” Twilight said. “The final feat of strength.”

Pinkie nodded and put the mirror down. The two started circling each other, watching for an opening.

“I can’t believe she made it all the way to the last match!” Velvet said.

“It’s a Festivus miracle!” Shining Armor declared, still sounding dazed.

“Maybe we should stop them,” Night Light said. “I’ve got a bad feeling about this.”

“Oh hush, honey,” Velvet whispered. “Let them fight.”

Pinkie was the first to charge. It was smart. She didn’t have the same kind of range Twilight did. Between her wings and horn, the Princess could keep her distance indefinitely. She had to negate that advantage, and that meant grappling.

Twilight threw a bolt of force at her, and Pinkie jumped at just the right moment, for a brief instant actually running along the spell like it was a physical object and jumping away from it before it exploded, the wave throwing her into Twilight and knocking both of them over, rolling across the floor with hooves and bodies entangled in a way that made Cadance sit up and take notice, eyes wide with glee.

Twilight was an alicorn. She was probably one of the -- if not the -- strongest beings in Equestria. Her magic was so strong that it should have been trivial for her to best any foe.

Pinkie, on the other hoof, had grown up with three sisters on a rock farm and one of them was Limestone.

Pinkie held Twilight’s face to the floor, the alicorn struggling, fighting with all her might back to her hooves, throwing a blast of magic blindly at Pinkie, the bolt going wild, hitting a mirror, and bouncing into the kitchen.

“Yield!” Pinkie demanded, twisting around Twilight like a furry pink snake and getting her in a headlock.

“Never!” Twilight screamed, lashing out with her magic, a stream of energy hitting the wall and burning into it. She twisted her head, trying to get an angle on Pinkie, the beam slicing through streamers and nearing the Festivus pole.

“Don’t do it!” Pinkie yelled.

She had to do something to stop her. There was only one way to end it.

She kissed Twilight, and the magic sputtered out. The headlock softened, and Pinkie pulled her into a hug, Twilight’s wings shooting out to full extension as their lips met, slightly parted, just a hint of Pinkie’s tongue teasing at hers. She didn’t even notice when Pinkie pushed her to the floor, her hot, fluffy body pressing her down, holding her hooves above her head while their lips danced and--

“Three!” Velvet declared.

Pinkie broke off the kiss, and Twilight was so dazed it took her a moment to realize what happened.

“You pinned me?” Twilight asked, her cheeks burning red.

“You were sort of easy to distract,” Pinkie said.

Velvet cleared her throat. “I officially declare Pinkie Pie the household champion of the Festivus feats of strength!”

Chrysalis got up, groaning. “Where am I? What’s that smell? Did somepony hit me with a chair?”

“Honey?” Night Light said, backing out of the kitchen, holding a fire extinguisher. “I think that stray spell hit the gas line.”

Twilight laughed nervously. “Maybe we should go outside?”

A jet of flame shot out into the dining room.

“Everypony run!” Pinkie screamed.

It wasn’t until they were sitting there in the snow with the fire department on the way and everypony bruised and leaning on each other for support that it really felt like Festivus. The holiday meant a lot of things to a lot of ponies but the most important thing, and the reason Twilight’s family celebrated it instead of Hearth’s Warming, was that it was about finding out who you really were.

Queen Chrysalis was an evil monster and a third wheel, but part of her really did care for Shining Armor and Cadance, at least once she’d had a few bottles of wine. She wasn’t going to stop being a monster and the less said about her ovipositor the better, but Twilight hated her a little less than she had before.

Princess Cadance was a ruler who was still learning a lot about love and leadership. Ever since she’d had real power put in her hooves she hadn’t known what to do with it, and she’d been afraid to actually be herself. She was still growing out of what etiquette lessons and expectations had beaten into her, and sometimes that meant having a threesome with your nemesis.

Shining Armor, for his part, was just a stallion who was lucky enough to get two chicks. And they were sometimes twins. What a lucky guy.

Twilight Velvet and Night Light weren’t the best parents but they really loved their children. They were proud of them, and not just because each of them had independently become royalty - they would have been just as proud if their daughter had gone on to be a librarian or scholar, or if their son had stayed with his highschool band instead of going into the guard. They were proud because their children had grown up to be good ponies. Also because Shining Armor had managed to get with two chicks, and Twilight had an entire harem of reformed villains, though they weren’t clear on which were under house arrest and which were under sexy house arrest.

Twilight Sparkle was the smartest pony in Equestria, but she jumped to conclusions so quickly that she sometimes missed some very important steps along the way, which was a bit like forgetting to carry the one when doing math. It was easy to get lost in variables and infinities and forget how to do simple addition and subtraction and in the same way, she had been afraid that her friend would think badly of her for not celebrating Hearth’s Warming.

She only realized now, watching the roof collapse, that Pinkie Pie would never think badly of her. Their friendship was as strong and true as the Festivus pole, which was visible even now in the flames, the fresh chrome reflecting the light and warmth of the fire. Just like their friendship, it would survive these trials and tribulations because it had an excellent strength to weight ratio.

And Pinkie Pie? Well, Pinkie Pie was already talking about how she’d practice her chokehold for next year. She also had some excellent ideas about a cage match for the feats of strength.

Later, nopony was sure who started the carol, or even where they knew the words from, but pretty soon the whole family was singing along, They all joined hooves and watched the ashes rise up into the winter sky, and it felt like a Festivus miracle, just like in the year nine hundred ninety-eight when Twilight Velvet threw Night Light off the roof to plummet sixteen feet through the old dining room table.