Of Earth Ponies and Their Magicks

Chapters

Introduction
Explanation, attempt 1
Explanation, attempt 2
Spike Intervenes (and the CMC help)
The New Mare...
...is rather chaotic
Chaos vs Kindness
Poison Joke Aftermath and Discovery
Confrontation, part 1
The Only Way To Settle This (totally 105% canon to the story)
Face-off (but not literally)
Epilogue (or, what Pinkie and Twilight did)

Introduction

There is a story of an alicorn, jet black and lovely. He loves the night, and all it represents, its beauty, allure, mystery, sensuality, but especially--and most of all--the fair Princess of the Night. Although he was not very powerful magically, his love for the Night Princess was stronger and burned brighter than even the sun.

How sickeningly sweet.

Unfortunately for Luna, he ceased to exist when she woke up. (Poor Luna.)

So this story isn't about him. (1) Rather, it's about earth ponies, and their magic abilities. It is common knowledge that every race has magic abilities, and Earth Ponies are no different. Some of their abilities are common to all earth ponies; others, not so much. As a general rule, earth ponies have a grounding connection—a connection to the earth (and by extension, its growing process), a sense of what is right, the ability to sense when things are not as they seem. Even so, some earth ponies have other abilities, including some that seem to defy logic.

We start where everything begins: an unanswered question.

Extract from the journal of Twilight Sparkle
Gemini 29, 3980 (2)
Today I completed my research on Fluttershy's care of ducklings. Singing different songs to young ducklings does not appear to make such a difference, but the genre is a definite factor. Lullabies seem to invoke trust, Sapphire Shores seems to improve the mood of the animals, whereas the “slow, smooth sounds” (/sarcasm) of Just Believe (3) seem to distress the ducklings, even though there is no way they could understand the words.
~~Speaking~~ Writing of not understanding things: Earlier today, by the pond, Pinkie Pie came up to me with a towel ready. When I asked why she had a towel, she mentioned something about every ~~fru~~ frood (4) (sp?) knowing where her towel was, especially when a friend might need it. At this point, I lost my footing and fell into the lake. When questioned how she knew that would happen, she replied, “Pinkie Sense!” She told me to keep the towel because it was “massively useful” (I don't think that's correct grammar...) and bounced off, burbling some nonsense about towels stashed everywhere in case of towel emergencies.
This bothers me somewhat. I know, I've already learned about her Pinkie Sense. I know, I believe in it even without understanding it. But if it exists, like everything else, it can be harnessed and used, perhaps even learned. I'm not claiming to understand it, or even to try to; I just want to know where it comes from ~~and if I can use it to my advantage~~ (5)

Explanation, attempt 1

Pinkie Pie stood in Sugarcube Corner, much the same way she had for the last ten seconds. Hey—she gets bored easily.

Suddenly, her tail went twitcha-twitch.

Scanning the room quickly, she walked over to Pound Cake (who had been playing happily on the floor against the wall), took his tail gently in her mouth, and pulled him a pace back from the wall. Not two seconds later, a framed picture fell, shattering its glass noisily, and landing right where the little pegasus had been sitting. Pound Cake found this greatly amusing, and laughed uproariously, as only a little foal can.

“Oh, sure,” Pinkie faux-scolded him, bending down and looking at him with one wide, accusing periwinkle eye. “You laugh at that, but don't laugh at my jokes? You, young mister, have a twisted sense of humor.”

Pound Cake's response? To boop her on the nose.

Now Pinkie laughed. She looked up to see Twilight, who had witnessed the whole thing. “Hi, Twilight!” she called happily.

Twilight's mind was rather boggled. Again. “I still don't know how you do that, but I'm sure the Cakes are glad you can.”

Pinkie picked up the still-giggling Pound and cuddled him happily. “Yep, yep! And Pound here is pretty glad, too! As much as I love throwing parties, a 'yay-you're-finally-out-of-the-hospital-now!-party just isn't my thing, especially for foals, mainly because there usually is a lot of crying and not smiling or laughing before getting to the party part, so even though they're fun, what leads up to them makes them not as fun as normal parties.”

Twilight found she had to agree, though she was sure she differed from Pinkie on opinions of what “normal” really was.

Pinkie set the little pegasus down on the counter, where he quickly found a bowl of vanilla icing and joyfully stuck his hooves in. Pinkie, of course, remained completely oblivious to this misuse of bakery resources. She just smiled broadly at Twilight. “But I know you didn't come in here to try to watch for my Pinkie Sense again, right?”

Twilight shook her head to clear it. “Oh, right. I was in here for something important.”

“Well, duh! Everything we do here is important!”

Twilight sincerely doubted that, but the last thing she wanted was for Pinkie to go off on another tangent, so she placed her order and left quickly.

* * *

A few days later, Twilight was sharing her thoughts with her friends over crème sodas. “I don't care how many times I see it, I can never get used to it,” Twilight said. Rainbow Dash had already finished half of hers, and Fluttershy was battling a brain freeze. Applejack listened with mild interest, and Rarity sat primly at attention. Twilight continued her rant. “I mean, obviously she can predict things, but it makes no sense! I just can't figure it out!”

Rarity took a dainty sip before responding. "Oh, Twilight. One does not simply figure out Pinkie Pie," she said. (1) “She just.... is. I thought we had this discussion before?”

“I know,” Twilight said,”and I obviously believe them, but it has just been bothering me for a while. It's just so...”

Her friends tried to help by providing adjectives.

“Unbelievable?”

“Confusing?”

“Complicated.”

“Puzzling?”

“Astounding.”

“Mind-boggling?”

“Trippy.”

“Mind blowing?”

“Uh... confusing?”

“We used that 'un already, Rainbow.” (2)

“No,” Twilight interrupted. “Never mind. I've already forgotten it.” This was an obvious lie.

“Forgotten what?” Pinkie Pie appeared again, possibly from under the table.

At this sudden reappearance, Twilight lost it. “You! Your magical abilities that make no sense! Your randomness and your craziness and I want to know how it works and.... how did you even get here anyway?”

Pinkie nodded sagely. “The answer to your question is, I walked over here.”

Twilight fought the urge to facehoof. Applejack couldn't hide a snort of laughter, and tried to disguise it as a cough and cover it by taking another drink. Unfortunately, she hadn't finished laughing, and ended up choking on her drink, causing her to start coughing and creating a mild disruption.

Pinkie waited politely until Applejack had recovered. “Buuut.... if you really want to know...” She took a deep breath, not to talk, but to confess. Twilight huddled in hungrily.

"So.... as I figure you might have guessed.... I'm not exactly a normal pony."

Twilight nodded eagerly. "So what are you, Pinkie?"

"Well, I'm still a pony, silly."

"Ya don't say," Applejack deadpanned.

"But I'm not using normal magic. There's another kind of magic that's even deeper. I'll show you." She stood up on her back hooves as if giving a lesson at some prestigious university. (3) “Magic is something you study and practice. It only happens when you decide to do it, and it's meant to make something specific that you choose to happen, happen.”

Twilight thought that that explanation sounded vaguely familiar. She nodded.

“But we used the Elements of Harmony, even without training, right?”

Twilight nodded again.

“Big, powerful magic, with no idea what would happen or how to do it, but we used it anyway. This magic is like that. It's a deeper magic than just unicorn magic. See, making someone happy is the best and strongest kind of magic. Seeing somepony else's day brighten? That's such a magical feeling. And that's all I do. So when I make ponies smile, smile, smile, it releases magic, and I just use it. I don't know how, but I do.”

Twilight didn't say much for the rest of the afternoon.

Extract from the journal of Twilight Sparkle
3 Orion 3980
Today Pinkie Pie explained her randomness and seemingly impossible abilities as deeper magic, which comes from making other ponies happy. While this would seem to flow well with the idea of the Elements of Harmony (power from good ideals and actions), I must admit that I have seen nothing like this before. I have seen no references in any of my prior studies. Further research is required. Will return to notebook documenting Pinkius Piecus.

Extract from the journal of Twilight Sparkle
17 Orion 3980
I am quite confused. I have been unable to find any reference to this "deeper magic" Pinkie mentioned, the magic of making ponies happy. Theoretically, it seems sound, yet I have found not a single reference to it in any of the magic books in my library. Yes, I'm still focused on that. No, I don't care. No, I don't think it's wasted time; this is research!
I'm arguing with myself in my own journal. This can't be good.

Extract from the journal of Twilight Sparkle
23 Orion 3980
[it appears to be a series of random scratches, doodles, and variations of the phrase, “the deeper magic is a lie”.]

Explanation, attempt 2

Twilight burst into Sugarcube Corner, yelling madly. “Pinkie Pie! I know you lied to... me...”

She stopped short, seeing all her friends there and all the elements of a party. Well, she only saw three of her friends, but the quivering punch table and pink hair sticking out from underneath the tablecloth was obviously Fluttershy, and Pinkie was nowhere to be seen (no surprise there).

Twilight raised an eyebrow. “So... I take it I missed something?”

“Twilight!” Pinkie shouted from behind Twilight. “I'm glad you're here!”

Twilight jumped and her mane flared in fright. Her mouth fell open in confusion. “But...”

Pinkie leaned in close, violating all of Twilight's personal space. One of her bright blue eyes bulged out accusingly. “You're late! Didn't you get your invitation?”

Twilight had no such recollection. Then again, when she got into research, she often forgot to take care of basic functions, such as eating, so losing an invitation wasn't all too farfetched.

“Uh...”

“That's great! I'm so glad you finally showed up! We weren't going to start without you, but then somepony started eating the cupcakes! I was watching them and there were less and less every time I looked! So I started a little investigation, and it turns out that it was me the whole time! I was eating my own cupcakes!”

Twilight blinked.

“So then we just started the party and it was fun! We pinned tails on ponies and that worked well until Fluttershy pinned a tail on Rarity on accident and then she was apologizing for like ten minutes and then...”

“Pinkie!”

“Oh, right! I lied to you.”

Twilight sighed in relief. Finally, some answers!

Pinkie Pie pulled up a chair from... somewhere... and sat down. “There is no such thing as deep magic. Well, there is, but that's part of another story and we ponies don't have it (1). But pegasi and earth ponies have inherent magic, right?"

"How do you know that word?" Rainbow Dash asked.

Twilight, desperate for an answer, overrode Rainbow with a, "Yes, that's how they fly and grow things; please, please go on."

"Some things make you carry more magic, right? Like if you hang around some places, you kindof pick up magic, right?"

"Magic essence, or residue, technically, but theoretically, yes. What does that have to do with you?"

Pinkie smiled broadly. “Earth ponies can pick that up, too. I just happen to be able to use it.”

Twilight thought about this. That seemed to make sense.... Every unicorn knew that it was possible to feel the presence of magic (usually felt in the base of the horn), and pick up magic residue. It was the next logical step to channel it.

Unfortunately, magic seems to enjoy defying logic.

Extract from the Journal of Twilight Sparkle
5 Cancer 3980
This just keeps getting more mysterious and mysterious.... When questioned further, Pinkius Piecus mentioned picking up magical residue or leftover essence. That seemed to make sense to everypony else, but not to me. You can't use the magical residue for spellcasting, it's simply impossible. It's like trying to use gravitational potential energy to heat water—it is just incompatible. Although you can use it for physical energy, that is quite inefficient, as it has an 89.6% conversion loss, not even mentioning the magical drain required for such a conversion. This practice is regarded as a novelty and for help in cheating in underground hoofboxing matches, nothing more. If anything, these residues are just like a tag, showing where you've been. The subject is lying! Again! She may have fooled everypony else, but she can't fool me! I must be the last sane pony in this town! Just me!

[Transcriber's note: the "e" in the last sentence is over a gash in the paper, as if a quill had been dragged too deeply into the page.]

I, Twilight Sparkle, am NOT insane! I'm the only sane pony in this whole town! THE ONLY SANE PONY!! And I WILL find the answer to this question! Even if I have to read EVERY book in my library AND the Canterlot Archives!

Spike Intervenes (and the CMC help)

Spike sighed as he morosely finished eating what should have been Twilight's breakfast, but she had been too focused on re-reading the books she had requested from the Canterlot Archives, and she didn't feel like interrupting her translations from Old Equestrian. Or maybe it was Olde Equuestrianne. Spike didn't know, and frankly, he didn't care. But her skipping breakfast was quickly becoming a common occurrence; and unless Twilight had some sense knocked into her soon, he was going to become one pudgy little dragon.

After a quick cleaning of the kitchen, Spike knocked on the door to Twilight's bedroom. “Hey Twilight? I'm heading out to start a war between the dragons and the griffons, be back around dinner time.”

“Ok,” came Twilight's uninterested response.

Spike cracked his neck as he headed out the door. This had gone on far too long. Twilight had become a danger to herself, and it was his duty as Number One Assistant to intervene. It was time to call in the big guns.

* * *

“So I think we can all agree that Cutie Mark Crusaders Vampony Hunters was a bad idea,” Scootaloo said. “But I think I've got another idea that'll work for sure this time!”

Her brilliant plan was interrupted by a dragon poking his head inside their clubhouse. “Hey, girls!”

“Hey, Spike!” they greeted him.

“Whatcha doin'?” Apple Bloom asked.

Spike sighed. “Twilight's been obsessing. Again. And I'm going down to Zecora's to see if she has some kind of calming potion or something.”

Sweetie Belle tapped her chin thoughtfully. “You're right,” she said. “I haven't seen Twilight in almost a week, come to think of it...”

Spike nodded. “She's been in there forever. And I don't remember where Zecora lives, so I kindof need your help to get there.”

“It's settled, then,” Scootaloo said, taking a deep breath.

Spike put his claws over his ears, but the trio was much too loud.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS EVERFREE FOREST GUIDES! YAY!!"

* * *

“And that's a tree. And that's another tree. Ooh! That's a really tall tree...”

Sweetie Belle's guided tours need work, Spike thought.

“Ooh! And that's where we found Twilight when she got petrified and all turned to stone!”

Spike shivered. Yeah. Definitely needed work.

But eventually, they all did arrive at Zecora's hut, where she welcomed them in warmly. “Welcome, visitors, please come in. How may I help you, dear children?”

Spike began, “It's about Twilight. Have you seen her recently?”

Zecora smiled. “She visited here quite recently; once yesterday, and once last week. Her latest obsession I have heard, about magic held and power deferred. Some information she hoped to find, using zebra knowledge that is mine. But alas, I had to tell her nay, and send her on her merry way. Oh, how she pouted, but I told the truth—my potions and remedies are natural, like you,” and she gently booped Apple Bloom's nose. Apple Bloom laughed lightly. Zecora was a fun zebra. (1)

Spike shook his head to clear it. No matter how many times he heard the zebra talk, her uncanny rhyming still weirded him out. “Yeah... and I think she's going off the deep end. Do you have anything that could calm her down?”

Zecora glanced around thoughtfully before her eyes settled on one medium-sized pot on one of her many shelves. “I have such a potion, though harsh are its kicks, but anything weaker would take too long to mix. I will give you a little, though dilute it you should, for too much will likely do more harm than good.”

Apple Bloom looked up worriedly. “It's not going to kill her if she overdoses, right?”

Zecora laughed as she poured the orange liquid into a glass transportation vial. “She would simply sleep for a long time, my dear. I never make anything deadly. Not here.”

“Not here, eh?” Scootaloo asked, raising an eyebrow cheekily.

Zecora's eyes took on a haunted look. “Be cautious, little one. Ask not more than you should. For the times of my past are best forgotten for good.”

Scootaloo couldn't keep a small shiver from running up her back at those words. She took the offered potion in her mouth and quickly headed for the door. “Okeh, 'hanks Hecora. Hesh 'o, hirls!”

* * *

The four friends walked down a path in the forest. Scootaloo had gotten tired of the taste of glass, and had begun to roll it back and forth on her back between her little wings (much to Spike's displeasure).

Sweetie Belle had given up on being a tour guide, but that didn't stop her from making a few observations. “You're going to drop that,” she warned.

Scootaloo shrugged. “No I won't.”

So, of course, thirty seconds later, she did. The glass vial landed hard on the ground, prompting a horrified gasp from Spike, but luckily, it wasn't broken. Scootaloo picked it up sheepishly and once again carried it in her mouth.

“You sure you don't want to take a break from carrying that?” Spike asked.

Scootaloo shook her head. “Ah ho' i'.”

Picking up his pace, Spike walked quickly until he was next to Apple Bloom, who was leading the way. “So how much longer until we get back?” he asked, obviously hoping to avoid any more trouble with Zecora's potion.

Apple Bloom looked around. “Ah'd say we have another ten minutes or so.”

A soft thump sounded behind them.

“What was that?” Spike and Apple Bloom turned around to see Sweetie Belle standing over an unconscious Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle looked up with a horrified look on her face. “I didn't do anything!” she squeaked.

Apple Bloom looked over Scootaloo with a practiced eye. She was no Fluttershy, that was for sure, but she knew some basic first-aid (almost a requirement if you lived outside the city limits, as she did). She pulled the vial out of Scootaloo's mouth and leaned an ear down to her muzzle. From here, she could feel her friend's breath and watch her chest rise as she breathed. “She's breathin', nice an' deep an' slow. She looks like she's asleep.”

Sweetie Belle nudged Scootaloo, but she didn't stir.

“Oh, great.” They turned to see Spike, holding the glass vial, which looked remarkably wet for not having been long in Scootaloo's mouth. His draconic eyes, designed for looking for flaws in gemstones, had found a crack from which their liquid was leaking. "It cracked. She's on this stuff,” he said.

Sweetie Belle nodded in recognition. “So she's just super relaxed right now. At least we know it works!” She smiled brightly.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and made a quick decision. “All right. Ah'll go with Spike to get this stuff to Twilight before somethin' else happens to it.”

“And I'll stay here with Scoots,” Sweetie Belle volunteered.

Spike sighed as he headed back to town. He hadn't wanted an adventure today.

* * *

Much to Spike's delight, nothing else happened on the way to the library. He opened the door and greeted Twilight with a yell. “Hey, Twilight, I'm back! I went to the publishers and they said your personal diary is going to be a best seller!”

“That's great,” Twilight called back, obviously not paying the slightest bit of attention.

Apple Bloom giggled and looked at Spike. “That's pretty funny. She's looong gone.”

Spike shrugged nonchalantly. “I've actually had her say funnier.” (2) He turned back upstairs. “You want something to drink?”

“No,” came Twilight's response.

“When was the last time you ate anything?”

“Ten o'clock.”

“When? Two days ago?” Spike muttered under his breath. (3) He looked up again. “You'll study better,” he invited.

“Be right down,” Twilight said.

Spike smiled and headed into the kitchen. “Good,” he said to Apple Bloom. “We have another fifteen minutes until she gets down here.” He rushed for another glass, and poured the orange liquid from the vial into the glass and left it on the table.

“What do you want?” Spike called up.

“What do we have?” Twilight asked, her voice still coming from upstairs.

“How about orange juice?” Spike called back, pulling a pitcher out from the ice box.

“Sounds great,” Twilight called back. They heard her hoofsteps as she started to come down the stairs.

Apple Bloom scanned the contents, then turned an evil eye on the dragon. “Ya got orange juice but ya don't have any apple juice?” she hissed accusingly.

Spike raised his claws in a disarming gesture. “Hey, that's always the first stuff we drink! We just run out of it so fast, you know?”

Slightly mollified, the filly grabbed another glass and Spike filled it with the offending liquid. He carried it back out to the kitchen and set it on the table, intending to add some of the potion to it, but to his surprise, the table was devoid of any other glass.

He turned to Apple Bloom. “Apple Bloom? Please tell me you have the potion we got from Zecora.”

Apple Bloom shook her head, her eyes slightly wider than usual. “Ah don't have the potion we got from Zecora.”

Thump (crash!)

The two poked their heads out of the kitchen to see Twilight Sparkle, passed out on the stairs. A shattered glass lay in front of her, with the remains of an orange liquid scattered on the shards and all around her.

They looked at each other, looked back at Twilight, looked back at each other, and finally back at Twilight. Apple Bloom broke the silence. “Well... that coulda gone better,” she said.

Spike thought. “Actually, that wasn't too bad. She needs a nice long rest... of... a few days...” His voice trailed off. Maybe it was worse than he thought. He walked towards Twilight and started to drag her up to her room.

Apple Bloom moved to help, but then looked back at the glass on the table. “No sense in lettin' this go t' waste,” Apple Bloom muttered, taking a drink of the orange juice. Her eyes popped open in surprise. “Huh. This ain't half bad,” she said. (4)

The New Mare...

About a week later, Twilight was still recovering from Zecora's potion. True to her word, the zebra's mixture hadn't been fatal, but it did leave Twilight very tired (and mildly susceptible to headaches). Being unable to study or read, her insanity had calmed down, but her curiosity had not. Zecora's prognosis had been only mildly comforting (“I have the good news that you seek: the effects should wear off within two weeks”), and Twilight had no choice but to rest. She was laying on the couch when she heard the door open.

“Spike?” she called. “Did you get the...” Her voice trailed off when she heard Spike's incoherent moanings. Her big sister instincts and her tiredness fought, but the instincts won, and she forced herself down the stairs. Faithful Spike had the shopping bags, and a sizable lump on his head.

“Spike! What happened?” she asked, gently nuzzling him.

Spike tried to show that he was tough and didn't appreciate the attention, but he definitely did. “A weight fell on my head.”

Twilight rolled her eyes. “Let me guess. Derpy?”

“Actually, she was standing next to me when it happened.”

Well, that was mildly embarrassing.... Not that Twilight had anything against the pegasus, of course; but forgetting a piano falling on your head is not easy. Twilight shook it off. “Just a random weight?”

“It was one of Rainbow Dash's training weights. But that's not the weird part.”

Twilight raised an eyebrow. A randomly falling weight was plenty weird in her opinion. ...Actually, on second thought, scratch that. Random things falling from the sky was just a normal part of life in Ponyville.

“So I was talking with Derpy about astronomy....” Spike started.

“Really?” Twilight raised an eyebrow again.

Spike rolled his eyes. “Are you going to keep interrupting me?”

“I didn't say anything,” Twilight lied.

Spike sighed. “She's not blind, she just has no depth perception. And you only use one eye for telescopes, anyway.” (1)

Twilight was astounded that she had not made this connection before.

“Anyway... So I was talking about the incoming comet...”

This excited Twilight. “The one that only comes every 75 and a half years? I know, right? I'm so excited too...” Seeing Spike's expression, she slowly sat down and magicked a piece of tape over her mouth. A little headache spiked from her magical exertion, but she ignored it.

“And then this other pony goes, 'Why are you worried about the comet? You should watch yourself.' And I didn't get it, but then the weight fell on my head.”

“Well, that wasn't very nice,” Twilight said. “At least she could have warned you.” Well, that's what she tried to say, but she had forgotten about the tape over her mouth, so it came out sounding like Pinkie Pie's stomach growling.

Spike had somehow understood (or maybe he had been hanging around Twilight for so long that he could predict her replies). “Yeah. She just laughed and flopped her ears and walked away. Then Derpy slipped on a pile of vegetable peelings and fell right into a puddle of mud and left to go take a bath.”

Twilight paused. Why did that sound vaguely familiar?

“And now I'm here.”

Twilight removed the tape. “Guess it hasn't been a good day,” she said.

Spike shook his head no. Then he brightened. “A sapphire would make me feel better!”

Twilight rolled her eyes, but smiled in agreement.

* * *

The next afternoon, Twilight entered Sugarcube Corner, happily anticipating dessert. As much as it bothered her, she had decided to put her investigation on hold temporarily (if for no other reason than to avoid another one of Spike's well-intentioned, but poorly executed, interventions), and so was here on strictly dessert-related business. Pinkie Pie was helping Rarity, but waved energetically in greeting. Twilight smiled as she waited in line.

“...and one of those large red velvet cupcakes, they're Sweetie Belle's favorite.”

The bell rang again, and Twilight turned to see a light purple mare walk in. She didn't look familiar, and so Twilight braced herself for Pinkie Pie's reaction to a new mare.

Sure enough, when Pinkie looked up, she visibly brightened and her mane seemed to poof even more. Twilight expected Pinkie to either shriek, run, gift her whatever she would order, or perhaps throw a party for the newcomer right then and there.

What she did not expect, but what she saw, was Pinkie suddenly squinting in surprise and cocking her head in confusion. She stared intently at the new mare. "Do I... know you?" she asked.

The new mare's eyes glinted. "Do you?"

That was the wrong thing to say. Pinkie took a deep breath and said, "I don't know, because if I didn't, I would want to throw you a party saying 'welcome to Ponyville', but if you've already been here and I don't know you, I know that's a problem because I know everything about everypony here in Ponyville, unless you're just visiting, which is another kind of party entirely, because visiting is not the same as moving here, although both have cupcakes, and cake, and hot sauce, because hot sauce is delicious, like a kumquat, even though I've never had one, they sound scrumptious, and that is such a fun word to say." Pinkie paused. "Are you my long lost sister?" (2)

The newcomer's mouth twitched downwards.

“Cousin?” Pinkie tried. “Daughter? Ooh! Maybe brother?”

The new mare's eye twitched briefly, but decided to answer. "No, just a visitor. I've been here once before," she said. "Thought I could make a home here. It was almost six months ago."

Rarity spoke up. "Oh, that's when that dreadful Discord was in town. Oh! How horrid."

Twilight noticed the strange mare's eyes tighten. She was confused. Twilight was, that is. The other mare just seemed angry at the mention of Discord; not that they mentioned him, but that Rarity had insulted him.

The new mare glowered at Rarity. She raised her back right hoof and stomped lightly. "You sound like you've got an itch that just won't go away," she said.

“Oh, the horrors he inflicted....” Rarity reminisced.

“Oh, Rarity,” Pinkie said. “You're just being uptight again. Cotton candy clouds, Rarity! Cotton candy clouds!” She closed her eyes and licked her lips in enjoyment, remembering how tasty that had been.

The new mare mumbled something that sounded vaguely like, “At least somepony has taste,” but Twilight didn't think she had heard right. She turned back to Pinkie. “What's the randomest thing you've got here?”

Pinkie didn't even need to think. “Zap apple cupcakes with cinnamon, powdered sugar, and hot sauce. With a hint of cumin.”

“And garlic?”

“Yep! With a sprinkling of lemon juice to top it all off.”

The newcomer smiled her first real smile of the day. “I'll take it.”

Pinkie smiled too. “I'm glad!” she said, obtaining a cupcake from... wherever she kept them. Possibly stored all over in case of cupcake emergencies, Twilight reflected. She slid it over to the stranger. “Nopony else seems to like them at all and I don't understand. Enjoy!”

The mare pulled off her hat, reached inside, and tossed a bit onto the counter. "You too," she smiled, walking away. The door slammed behind her, and the glass shattered.

Strange, Twilight thought. It didn't look like the door had shut fast enough to break the glass.

Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, was still deep in thought. “I could have sworn I knew her from somewhere,” she said. “I know I know everypony here, and I remember everypony, too, and everything about everypony.” She turned to Twilight. “Happy birthday in seven months and eight days, by the way.”

Twilight thought about asking, and then decided not to.

“But she... ugh...” Pinkie sighed in frustration and buried her face in her hooves, and then turned back to Twilight. “Twilight, do you know her?”

“Sorry, Pinkie, I don't,” Twilight said. Twilight was sure that she would have recognized such a unique compound cutie mark. You didn't see a screw and a baseball together often.

“Nor do I,” Rarity added. “I am certain that I could never forget such a tacky little propeller hat.”

* * *

The new mare walked down the street, enjoying her cupcake and looking at the different shop stalls set up in the market. Suddenly, her tail twitched. She simply sidestepped, and three small fillies came running up to her. Well, one was on a scooter, and two were in a wagon, but since the driver hit a rock and flipped her scooter, inertia mandated that the two in the back fly into the air and fall from the sky, crashing into the stall and sending cabbages flying everywhere.

A yellow earth pony filly popped her head out from the mound of cabbages, none the worse for the wear. She had obviously been through such crashes before. “Hi! You're new in town!” she said brightly.

“So I've heard,” the new mare said dryly, shoving the remainder of her cupcake into her mouth.

Apple Bloom was surprised that she hadn't taken the paper off before eating it, but she had more important questions to ask. “So... How didja get yer cutie mark?”

“Wait. Cutie marks? It's you three!” The stall owner poked his head out from under the canvas, and he was clearly not happy. Apparently these three had a bit of a reputation. “Get outta my sight!”

The three fillies took off running, but not five seconds later, Apple Bloom came back. “So... c'n ya tell me real quick?”

The new mare smiled kindly. “I'm just... me,” she said. “I do what I do how I do it.”

Apple Bloom circled the mare, studying the mark on her flank. It was a combination mark, and she said the first logical conclusion she reached. “So what is it ya do? Screw things with balls?”

Ooh, that filly was lucky she was so innocent.

The stall owner, still picking up his cabbages, let out a snorting laugh. The mare narrowed her eyes and raised her right back hoof and stomped lightly. She turned back to the filly. “No, it's a little... different.” She started walking and motioned for the filly to follow. “Perhaps a demonstration would help?”

“Oh yeah!” Apple Bloom said, following this new friend.

They turned into an alley. Not literally, of course. The mare looked down at the filly. “You seem to have a way with words,” she said. “You like English class?”

Apple Bloom shrugged. “It ain't mah strongest point, but Ah do fine.”

“So what language are you speaking now?”

“English?”

The mare stomped her right rear hoof. “And now?”

“Anglais?”

The new mare smiled. “Not anymore.” And she turned and walked out of the alley.

Confused, Apple Bloom blinked slowly. “Qu'est-ce qu'elle parle?” she wondered aloud.

Then it hit her.

“Déesses! Je parle français! Pas de nouveau!” Wailing uncontrollably, Apple Bloom ran back towards her home.

Her path took her past the cabbage vendor, who had just finished resetting his wares. He felt a tinge of happiness that something had happened to the one who had messed up his stall.

This feeling of happiness diminished somewhat when he realized that Berry Punch had come up to his stall.

“What're these?” she slurred, staring intently at these mystical green orbs.

“Cabbages,” he answered wearily.

“They look like bowling balls,” she said, gently poking one with her nose.

“They are definitely not bowling balls,” he said. He closed his eyes and lifted his head in pride. “They are the finest cabbages grown on this side of...”

*crack*

He looked down to see that Berry had picked one up and taken a bite, but that sound didn't match up to what he should have heard. To his astonishment, she seemed to be chewing intently on something that did not look or smell like a cabbage. The outside of the cabbage looked smooth, not leafy; and the inside looked rather solid.

“Yer right,” she said in surprise. “They aren't bowling balls, they're gumballs! Giant gumballs!” She leaned down to squint at the price. “I'll take two.”

Surely he was hallucinating... In a mild daze, he shut up, took her money, and loaded a second into her saddlebags. Berry gleefully stumbled down the street with her prize, happily showing it to every pony she bumped into.

He picked one at random and held his knife up. Surely, this was just a strange dream, right? Perhaps he would wake up and start yelling at the Cutie Mark Crusaders again.

The knife came down... and bounced off the shell. He turned the knife to use the point, and when he had stabbed it open, he realized that Berry was right. He now had a stall full of giant, green gumballs.

He fainted.

* * *

Even though it was past midnight, four mares were not asleep. Well, actually six, but technically Apple Bloom is still a filly; and Fluttershy was only awake because she was just making some tea for one of her sick animal friends (and since that has nothing to do with the story, we won't bother mentioning it).

Applejack was sitting with her sister at Zecora's, all three looking through the zebra's books in an attempt to find a cure of some sort for... whatever she had. All three were completely baffled (or, in Apple Bloom's case, 'complètement dérouté').

Rarity had an itch by her cutie mark that just would not go away. She screeched in frustration, at both the itch and the horrid red gashes that appeared over her cutie mark from the constant scratching.

Twilight Sparkle lay in her bed, her mind turning over the events of the day. She had missed something important, she was sure of it.

But what?

...is rather chaotic

Twilight walked into Sugarcube Corner. She was still wondering about what she had forgotten last night, and decided to do something to take her mind off it. And if there was one thing she learned from her time here in Ponyville, Sugarcube Corner was a sure source of distractions.

The first thing she noticed as she walked in was Mr. Cake weighing bits. Money was spread all across the counter, and he was placing one on a scale and checking the weight.

“Good morning, Twilight,” he greeted her, but his smile was forced and his voice sounded weary.

“Are you weighing the bits?” Twilight asked, more than a little bit confused.

“Yes,” he said. “We received a fake one yesterday, and I just wanted to double-check all of them.”

“What makes you so sure it's fake?”

He slid one over. Twilight looked at it and saw the numbers (one bit) and the motto (amoris et tolerantia) in fancy script underneath. She flipped it over, expecting to see an engraving of the Royal Pony sisters on the other side. Instead, what she saw made her blush. “Is that... Celestia's...?”

“Yep.”

Twilight set it down slowly. “Awkward...”

“Yeah. So now Mrs. Cake is worried, I'm worried... and my mouth tastes like brass.”

Right... earth pony problems. Twilight changed the subject. “So is it a bad time to order a danish or two?”

“Of course not! In my professional opinion, there is never a bad time for a danish. Pinkie!” he called.

Pinkie Pie appeared. By that, I mean that she popped her head out from behind the counter, where she had apparently been hiding the whole time. She smiled broadly, not even noticing the startled step back Twilight took. “Hiya, Twilight! So remember yesterday when that new but maybe not so new mare broke the window?”

Her heart beginning to calm down, Twilight nodded. She remembered.

Mr. Cake snorted. He too remembered. He also had had to pay for the replacement window.

“So I swept it up really quick but it looked funny and so I tasted it and it turns out it was candy glass! I don't know how that worked but apparently it did and that's really weird because I didn't make any candy glass and I certainly didn't replace our regular glass with the candy variety. It doesn't even taste good. Not even with hot sauce.”

Twilight snuck a glance at Mr. Cake, but he seemed oblivious to Pinkie's deep thoughts. Apparently, he had been around Pinkie for long enough that he instinctively could tune her out.

“So that was weird and pretty chaotic. You want anything as long as you're here?”

“I'll take a danish.”

“Lemon juice garnish on it?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Twilight blinked in confusion. “...No thanks.”

Pinkie pouted. “Why does nopony like lemon juice on their sweets?”

Twilight bit her lip before she could say, 'besides the obvious?' and instead smiled as she took her danish.

* * *

The new mare walked down the street. She stopped short when she noticed an aching in her shoulder. Her eyes widened with glee, and she quickly scanned her surroundings. There were two workers carrying a bathtub, and she watched carefully.

The alligator popped his head out. His tiny head out. His tiny toothless head out. His harmless, tiny, toothless, head out.

She sighed in defeat, more than a little bit disappointed. She was briefly tempted to make the alligator something to be feared, but decided against it. Instead, she stomped lightly, and a small puddle of mud turned into soap. The pony walking backwards stepped right in it and slipped, dropping the bathtub. It barely avoided what could have been a very, very painful involuntary castration, and the stallion fainted.

Screwball couldn't keep herself from smiling. Little pranks were always a bit more fun, anyway. And they lasted longer before you got caught. And for some reason, as long as they were little, more ponies were able to just overlook them and move on.

Which, of course, just let her stay in one area longer.

She walked down the street, spreading tiny bits of chaos everywhere she went. A filly's balloon popped suddenly. A dog decided it would be a good idea to relieve himself on his master's fillyfriend's leg. A trash can fell over right as a pony was trying to throw a bag away, causing the bag to rip and spill its contents all over him.

That one made Screwball laugh.

The back left wheel fell off a cart, spilling its wares in a jumbled pile. Saddlebags ripped, spilling bits and personal items everywhere.

Screwball was just about to swap the baking powder for baking soda when she heard a voice.

“That's right. Fastest pegasus in Equestria. Fastest pony, even!”

She turned to see a cyan pegasus, bragging to a group of wide-eyed younger ponies who surrounded her. Her eyes narrowed. She remembered only a few of the ponies that had turned Daddy to stone, and this was one of them. After all, how many ponies have rainbow-colored manes? The others she had recognized were that white unicorn (wonder how that itch is treating her?), that yellow pegasus (hadn't seen her), and that orange earth pony (hadn't seen her either). She was sure she was missing one or two. One of the ones she hadn't identified was bright pink, kindof like that mare at Sugarcube Corner, but that would have been impossible. There was no way that that baker could wield one of the Elements of (spit) Harmony. Not with her... condition. Either way, it was time to put this pegasus in her place.

She walked up and arched an eyebrow. “Fastest pony, eh?”

Rainbow Dash turned. “Yep! That's me.”

Screwball turned up her eyes in a little pout. “Then I'm sure you wouldn't mind a race against a little old earth pony like me, now, would you?”

“Ha! I'll even run.” She landed and folded her wings smugly. “But you'd better be ready to run faster than you ever have!”

“You get her, Rainbow Dash!” called out a little orange pegasus filly.

Neither saw the little smirk that played on the edge of Screwball's mouth. Oh, she will be gotten. Mark my words, little orange filly.

A lanky, orange unicorn colt stood in front of them, obviously acting as the starting line. “One... two... five!”

Screwball cocked her head in confusion, while the rainbow pony slammed a hoof into her own face.

“It's a count-down, you haybrain!” the little orange pegasus yelled, vocalizing what was on everypony's mind.

“Oh... Whatever! Go!”

* * *

Rainbow ran fast as ponies flew by in blurs of red, orange, green, blue, adobe gold, light purple with green hat wait what?

She did a double take, but didn't see those colors again.

Must have been my eyes playing tricks, Rainbow thought, quickly picking up her pace again.

Why was she even bothering? It's not like any earth pony could keep up with her. They may have been known for strength and stamina, but not speed. That was purely a pegasus trait.

She still ran fast, blazing past a mare standing on the piers of the bridge, going so fast it made her propeller hat spin...

Hold on.

Rainbow actually stopped and spun around, but the bridge was empty. She stared, slightly confused at what she had thought she had seen.

“Looking for somepony?”

Rainbow spun around to see her challenger standing in front of her, but on the railing of the bridge. Had she been thinking straight, Rainbow might have noticed how strange it was that this mare could stand on a single hanging chain, but she wasn't. Instead, she blinked in surprise before remembering she was in a race, and took off again, passing the mare so fast her propeller beanie spun wildly.

Rainbow ran, as fast as she could. As she ran, she could hear the crowds cheering in her mind. They called her name, they called out wedding proposals, they threw socks...

“Go rainbow pony! You're the best!”

Rainbow smiled... and then stared, wide-eyed, for that sound had not come from inside her head. She looked and saw her challenger waving her forelegs and cheering on the side of the road as if she were a spectator instead of a racer. She cheered... and then pointed. “Watch out!”

Rainbow Dash looked forward right in time to see a cart rushing towards her, and she couldn't stop in time. Cabbages flew everywhere. Amid the raging of the shopkeeper, Rainbow Dash could hear the purple mare's mocking laughter grow fainter as she trotted away.

* * *

The agreed finish line was the edge of the market. Rainbow Dash ran as fast as she could. Her heart pounded in her chest. She was afraid to lose.

She slid across the line, and didn't see the strange earth pony anywhere.

“Yeah!” she called, panting for breath. “I won!”

Her mood fell quickly when she heard, “And one for Slowpoke here, I bet she's hungry, too.”

Rainbow Dash spun around and was horrified to see her challenger buying two muffins at a small stand. She walked up to her, and gently set down the muffin.

“Think of it as a consolation prize. Better luck next time,” she invited, before patting her on the head condescendingly, laughing uproariously, and walking away.

Rainbow Dash stared at the muffin. It was mocking her, she was sure of it.

She lost track of how much time she stared at it, until she heard the sound of little hooves rushing up. Her posse had followed, with Scootaloo being the first to arrive. “Rainbow Dash! Did you win? You won, didn't you? I don't see her anywhere!”

Rainbow pulled a smile onto her face, even as her voice cracked in disappointment. “Yeah. You know it. Most awesome pegasus... never... loses...” She took a shaky breath. “You know, you're such a great fan. Here,” and she slid the muffin over. “Just for you. I'm gonna go do... awesome things that are... ya know... full of coolness and... and such.” And with that, Rainbow flew off.

Scootaloo bent over and stared at the muffin in reverence. “I will treasure it forever,” she whispered.

* * *

From her vantage point inside a crate that was way too small for her body, Screwball laughed. Nothing like a little rigged competition to crush somepony's spirits. Sure, she wasn't as good as Daddy yet, but everypony has to start somewhere.

She extracted herself from the box and resumed her search. One unicorn down, one pegasus down, now for that other yellow one.

She walked through the market, ignoring calls of wares and services (though she did pause at the frying pans. Frying pans were deliciously chaotic. And, for some reason, fairly delicious in and of themselves.)

She also paused at the sight of an orange earth pony, selling apples and wearing a hat. Screwball smiled. She felt that the world needed more ponies who appreciated a good hat, and decided to say hi. But as she came closer, she recognized her.

At least, she thought she did. But she had to be sure. Screwball disappeared behind a cart, and poked her head out of a small pickle barrel to spy on her target. After a few minutes of observation, she returned her verdict—it was her. Her laugh, her accent, her politeness, her honesty... blegh.

Screwball's eyes narrowed even as she suppressed a wave of nausea. Time to switch targets—this was the orange earth pony she was looking for. Screwball hid a tittering laugh, pulled herself out of the pickle barrel, and paused long enough to stomp lightly with her right rear hoof before turning and walking away.

Carrot Top walked past the apple cart, not making eye contact with Applejack. Truth be told, neither pony really liked the other; but Applejack did have a grudging respect for the carrot farmer for being a good business pony.

With that in mind, she greeted her with a simple, “Good morning, Carrot Top.”

The other earth pony mare froze. She turned to Applejack, trying to keep a straight look on her face. “Good morning, Applejack. Are... are you ok?”

Applejack cocked her head in confusion. “But of course. Why wouldn't I be?”

Carrot Top stumbled over her words. “Well, no reason, but it's just that... well...”

Applejack tittered. “Don't keep me in suspense, Golden Harvest, out with it.”

Carrot Top stared. Applejack laughed, guffawed, chuckled, rolled on the ground laughing, and chortled, but never tittered. That was a Rarity thing. And calling her Golden Harvest? She only used that name for legal purposes or fancy events—what, was she back at the Gala or something? This was too much. Carrot Top decided to just come out and say it. “Your accent.”

Applejack narrowed her eyes. “I do not have an accent.”

Carrot Top smiled weakly. “And that's the problem.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “I do believe you've been, as they say, 'hitting the salt' a bit too hard, dearie.”

Carrot Top chewed her bottom lip in confusion, and finally decided to just take the easy way out. “You're right, I'm wrong, I'm leaving.” And she turned and ran away.

Applejack tapped her chin thoughtfully. “She is a bit of an odd duck, isn't she?” She shrugged and began rearranging her apples, only to look up at the sound of familiar voices.

“So sounds like fancy-speaking cutie marks are a no go,” Scootaloo said sadly.

“C'est inutile,” Apple Bloom agreed.

Scootaloo paused. “I think you're agreeing with me,” she said uncertainly.

Sweetie Belle sighed. “I hope Zecora can figure out something fast. It's really hard to understand you.”

As they came into sight, Applejack called out to her sister. “Salutations, Apple Bloom!”

“Salu-what now?” Scootaloo cocked her head in confusion.

“Salutations,” Sweetie repeated. “It's a fancy way of saying 'hello'.”

“C'est simplement étrange,” Apple Bloom commented. “Elle ne parle pas comme ça.”

“If you're saying that's weird, I agree,” Sweetie Belle concurred. “Applejack just doesn't talk like that.”

Apple Bloom's frustration that Sweetie Belle had repeated—and taken credit for—her comment disappeared as she realized the implications of Applejack's speech. Her ears suddenly drooped, and her eyes widened in shock. “Sacrebleu,” she whispered. (1)

The same epiphany had just hit Sweetie Belle, and slowly it dawned on Scootaloo, too. All three turned back to Applejack. There could only be one reason for her strange behavior. But how would they know for sure?

“I do declare, you three look as though you have seen a spectre,” Applejack tittered.

That clinched it—the real Applejack would never titter. It was true. There was only one course of action now--warn the others. The three crusaders threw back their heads and, with all the power of their lungs, they shouted a warning to the whole town, loud enough that Fluttershy could hear it from her cottage.

“CHAAANGELIIIIIING!!”

* * *

From her vantage point up on a cloud, Screwball shoved a hoof into her mouth to stifle her laughter as she watched the orange earth pony back up in confusion as an angry mob formed around her. That changed a bit when one particularly brave pony decided to try to tackle her—and got a face full of back hooves. Another tried to charge, but a quick headbutt put him in his place.

She was holding off the mob! Screwball nodded, mildly impressed. Then again, they were attacking one at a time, so it wasn't that impressive. (2) Still, it was entertaining to watch. She reached into her cloud, pulled out another of Pinkie's specialty muffins, pulled off the wrapper with her teeth, and began to eat it. The wrapper, that is.

She was still chewing the paper when a loud noise resonated through the streets, and a purple unicorn put a halt to the action.

“Everypony quiet down!” She looked around in surprise. “What is going on here?”

“She's a changeling!”

The purple unicorn turned to the earth pony. “Is this true?”

Screwball snorted. What a stupid question. 'Yes, perfectly true,' she mocked silently. 'You caught me! I'm a mean, nasty changeling and you've found me out!' Stupid chaos-hating changelings... Noooo, they had to be orderly for their hivemind to work. She angrily tore off another bite of the wrapper. Hiveminds were highly overrated. (3)

“No, it most certainly is not true!”

The unicorn was obviously taken aback at the earth pony's speech and clipped accent. Screwball smirked again—that had been a good one.

The unicorn nodded. “Well, there's one way to find out.”

“How?” somepony in the crowd asked.

The unicorn looked back at the speaker and smirked. “I am the Element of Magic. I know a thing or two about changelings and disguise spells.”

Screwball coughed on her wrapper in surprise. THIS unicorn was the element of magic? Now she needed the checklist. Tossing her cupcake over the side of the cloud (and ignoring the involuntary twitcha-twitch in her tail), she reached into the cloud and groped for her checklist. She pulled out a rubber duck, a lollipop (I wondered where that had gone...), a boot, a sock (the kind with a place for toes), another sock (the foreleg lingerie kind), and had grabbed something that felt like a kitchen sink when she remembered that she had hidden the list under her hat. She grabbed her propeller beanie with one hoof and pulled it off, not even noticing when her mane came off with it, and with a quick jerk of her head, the list slid off her head right into her other hoof. She ran down it with a critical eye. Two unicorns, two pegasi, two earth ponies. One from each race was crossed off, along with their elements—generosity, loyalty, and honesty. Was this the unicorn that held Magic?

She raised her head and glared. What to do with her... Unicorns always had spellbooks. That was a realm of possibility, right there. Switch a few spells, bring the books to life, there was always the classic distortion spell...

Wait. No. Daddy let the Element of Magic break herself. Screwball would do the same.

She returned her list to under her hat, swapping it for the cupcake that had appeared on her head, and settled down back into the cloud to resume her snacking. She watched carefully as the purple unicorn cast a spell on the earth pony. Of course, nothing happened, as she was not really a changeling.

The muddled confusion and the cries of “rabble! rabble!” from the crowd were still very nice and chaotic, though. And it took that element of Magic almost half an hour (about five cupcake wrappers' worth) to calm them all down.

Screwball smiled. Three down, three to go.

“Dear Princess Celestia,
~~I know you're probably busy~~
~~This might not be a good time~~
~~It's not too important, but~~
~~Look, I know I can handle this, but just in case~~

Weird things have been happening here. Things that neither I nor zebra magic can explain. Chaotic things. Rarity has this itch that doesn't respond to Zecora's strongest creams. Applejack has lost her accent, Apple Bloom can only speak French. Cabbages have turned into gumballs, and Rainbow Dash isn't bragging anymore. ~~If it's not too much trouble Do you think~~ Is Discord still safe in his prison? Please let me know at your earliest convenience.

Your worried student,
[signed]
Twilight Sparkle

Chaos vs Kindness

Author's notes: A certain masked ferret requested that I place these notes at the beginning so as to make them easier to access, and I have found that it is always in my best interest to listen to ferrets.
That being said, there might be a few spoilers in the notes, so I have put them in a quote box above the double page break.

1) I almost had Twilight write, “Something terrible is going down through the entire town!” but decided against it, because I like my references to be less obvious. For example, in the first few paragraphs alone, I used quotes from Lilo and Stitch and Kung Fu Panda.
2) This is totally not from personal experience.
3) The problem with writing from her perspective is, she doesn't know their names. So I have to be descriptive, but not overwhelmingly so, because then it's hard to read.
4) The flu was to cause congestion. Turns out, it's impossible to hum with a plugged-up nose. I remember the first time I learned that. Mind. Blown.
5) This is, of course, Law number 1 of Cartoon Physics.
6) I've worked as a Spanish/English amateur translator and interpreter before, and I discovered that Spanish doesn't have a specific word for “chipmunk”. They just use the word for “squirrel”: ardilla (ar-DEE-ya). There's your random trivia for this chapter, use it in a sentence today.
7) I don't like it much when stories throw in fandom references just for the sake of making a fandom reference. For example, if I wanted to do so here, I would write that a gray pegasus also flew through the air, saying, “I just don't know what went wrong!” because canonically she was hiding in the chicken coop for a split second during the song in the episode “May the Best Pet Win”. Or, I could take the easy way out and descend to Scootachicken jokes... Nah.

Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I just returned from checking the wards myself. They are as secure as ever.
My first inclination is to believe that a small packet of chaos energy has been released from the Everfree Forest, in which case I'm afraid that the only option is to wait it out. It should pass in a day or so.
Please keep an especially close eye on Pinkie Pie.

Your mentor,
Princess Celestia

* * *

Journal entry of Twilight Sparkle
25 Cancer, 3980

Yesterday, the princess told me that a packet of chaos energy may have escaped from the Everfree, and it should disappear soon. It hasn't disappeared. Strange things are happening here (1), and it's most unnerving. Just this morning I discovered that somehow there was baking soda in my jar of baking powder. That made the waffles disgusting (2), and Spike apologized, but I don't think it was his fault. I mean, he's never done this before, and he loves making waffles.
I hope this chaos ends soon. It's really getting old fast. After Discord, I have had no desire to even study chaos. In fact, I don't think it's even possible to study chaos.
Wait. That sounds like a challenge.
Maybe I can after all...

* * *

Screwball giggled as she skipped happily down the street. Swapping baking powder with baking soda was one of her favorite tricks to pull. You see, the pony actually doing the baking knew for a fact that she hadn't put in the soda, but it was such a common error that it was possible that she did, but she would have remembered grabbing the wrong jar, but it was possible she just saw 'baking' on the label and grabbed it... and their thought processes would go round and round and round, just like that, and it would drive them crazy and there was chaos. It was little, but still good.

Yeah. Still good.

Now, though, she had a different plan in mind. Today was the day she found the other pegasus. Then, just the pink mare. And then, finally, Magic would break.

Maybe. This might take some time. Screwball had to admit that she was nowhere near as good as Daddy had been. Either way, Screwball was determined to check off another box on her list. The only problem with this plan, though, was actually finding that elusive yellow pegasus.

As she skipped, she slowed to a stop as she saw the same gangly unicorn colt from yesterday's race, talking to a really short colt right outside of a house (3). Screwball felt one of the corners of her mouth perk up. Or maybe she just needed somepony stupid enough to tell her.

Now, he just needed some incentive. A carrot on a stick, if you would. But as soon as she faced him, she felt her ear flop, then one eye flutter, and then a knee twitch.

Or, you know, she could just let the universe provide. The door burst open, knocking Snails into the air and landing him in some conveniently-placed bushes, and a magenta earth pony happily trotted out of the house. She was carrying a picnic basket in her mouth, and was oblivious to the colt she had just knocked flank over teakettle. She was closely followed by a bouncing and smiling pink unicorn filly, who could only be described as 'the cutest filly in the world'.

Screwball watched the mother and daughter pair and felt... something well up inside her. Was it anger? Was it frustration? Was it jealousy? Whatever it was, she couldn't just let it slide. She raised her back right hoof, stomped lightly, and hoped that they liked their daisy sandwiches with a side of black ants.

She smirked silently until they passed by. With a quick glance to ensure she was alone, she walked up to the two colts.

“Hey, you ok?” she asked, her voice dripping with sweet concern.

“I... I think so...” the lanky one said, rubbing his head.

Screwball pulled out her signature pout and blinked expressively. “Ok enough to help out little old me?”

The small part of Snails' brain that dealt with mares knew that it was its turn to shine. It began spinning, with an awful groan of rust and twisted metal, and after some deliberation, churned out the response, “Nope. I'm still dizzy. Ask Snips.”

Screwball blinked. It was a good thing she liked chaos, because if this was the future of Equestria, there was going to be a lot of it. She turned to the stockier colt who was apparently named Snips. “So, do you know of a yellow pegasus mare with a long pink mane?”

Only one name came to mind. “You mean Fluttershy?”

“Ah...” Screwball murmured, her search for knowledge that much closer to being over. “So that is her name. Fluttershy.”

Snips nodded. “Oh, yeah. She's always taking care of ducks and such when I see her. She's really nice.”

Screwball smiled. Maybe she could change that. “Do you know where she lives?”

* * *

Twenty minutes later, Screwball was happily trotting down a path, when she began to notice that things looked rather familiar. A few minutes later, and she realized that she was back in town. She had walked in a circle. A very large, very long, very much winding through the forest circle, but a circle still the same.

With a growl of frustration, she spun around and stomped back towards where she had come from, cursing the two unicorns that had led her on a wild goose chase.

A smile came to her face as she remembered the last time somepony had done that. In her desire for revenge, she had found a goose (easier said than done), discorDed it (the process was named after her daddy), and sent it flying after him. Then, the wild goose was chasing him, and it was glorious to behold.

It was a shame she wasn't powerful enough to discorD ponies yet. That would come with time. Daddy had promised.

As she walked back through the forest, she heard the sound of happy humming. Eye twitching with annoyance, she scanned her surroundings, looking for the pony who was about to receive the worst flu of her life. (4) Playing hide-and-seek is rather easy when gravity is just a suggestion. Hovering in the air, Screwball caught sight of a yellow pegasus trotting through the forest on a different path, carrying a basket of plants or roots or something.

Screwball's smile stretched wider than her face. After all this time, and the pony she was looking for came right to her.

Though, of course, had she known what was going to happen next, she likely would have returned to Ponyville and stuck with the baking powder/soda mix-ups.

* * *

Still floating along through the air, Screwball followed Fluttershy through the forest. Fluttershy wound through the various paths, obviously quite at home here in the forest.

Eventually, she arrived at a cottage, nice and homely. Screwball waited in the tree branches for her target to go inside. When she did, Screwball took off her hat and rummaged inside, pulling out another rubber duck, a top hat, a fez, a baseball cap, a bowler hat—what was up with the hats within the hat today?—but eventually found the binoculars she was looking for. She watched as Fluttershy entered the house, surrounded by a little horde of adorable little animals with little pudgy noses and cute little feet and ugh... Screwball suppressed a shudder.

She looked down and widened her eyes, as if noticing her airborneness for the first time, and quickly plummeted to the ground, landing in a jumbled mess of mane, tail, hat, and purple pony. Floating was easy, as long as you didn't look down. Once you did, you fell. Strange how even chaos seems to have rules. (5) Much to Screwball's annoyance, another of those rules seemed to be, “Screwball may never land on her hooves. Period.” Pushing herself to her hooves, she cracked her neck once to get it back into place, and walked up to the house.

A plan began to form in her mind. She would start with the animals. That would get her nice and freaked out, and thus easier to affect with the chAos.

As she walked, she suddenly became aware of a sharp pull on her tail. Turning around, she saw a white bunny holding her tail and scowling darkly.

Having never been assaulted by a rabbit before, Screwball paused in confusion, and then decided to reply with a phrase that usually preceded a hoofload of confusion. “Can I help you?” Screwball asked.

The bunny made a quick pointing gesture that obviously meant, 'Yeah. Go away'.

“D'aww,” Screwball cooed. “Widdle Fwuttershy has herself a widdle guardbunny! Aren't you so tough? Yes you are, yes you are!”

The scowl deepened, and the gesture was repeated much more forcefully than before.

“Chill out, silly rabbit,” Screwball protested, returning to her normal voice. “I'm not going to hurt her or anything.”

The bunny snorted in disbelief, and pointed yet again.

Their conversation was interrupted by a voice. “Angel?” Fluttershy called. Her sweet voice made Screwball want to gag. “Where are you?”

The bunny's ears flicked—apparently he was the Angel in question—but he still glared daggers at Screwball.

While there was much fun to be had about that name paired with this bunny, Screwball decided to keep her focus on Fluttershy. “What?” Screwball asked innocently. “Don't you trust me?”

Angel gave a quick shake of his head and continued glaring, which turned into a look of apprehension when Screwball's expression turned evil.

“Good. You'll live longer.” Drawing on the cHaoS inside, she spun in place, slapping Angel across the face with her tail. She watched as his white fur slowly darkened, as if tainted, spreading from where she had hit.

Screwball giggled to herself. “Your mistress called you. Better go see what she wants.”

Angel nodded before turning around and going towards the door. Screwball watched with baited breath as Angel entered the house. Quickly finding a window, she floated up and peered through. As she watched, the bunny walked into the kitchen. Scenarios flew through Screwball's mind. He was getting a knife. He was going to start a food fight. He was going to put salt in the sugar container.

But Angel did none of these things. Instead, he pulled out a pan, various foods from the different cupboards, and began to cook.

Screwball rubbed her hooves together in excitement. Maybe he was going to put laxatives in her food! That was an absolute classic.

He tenderly and carefully sauteed his food, chopping onions, carrots, and who knew what else and adding them all into the pan. Screwball was many things, but a chef she was not, and had no idea what he was doing. Watching him cook soon grew boring, and she began to amuse herself by pulling a deck of cards out from somewhere in her mane and playing poker with herself. Daddy had shown her how, and it was actually pretty easy once you learned how to do it. She had just gone all in and was about to reveal her cards when she heard the scrape of metal on metal, just like a pan being removed from the stove. Spinning around, she saw him place the food carefully on a plate and pull out the salt shaker. Screwball grinned widely... only for it to fade as she noticed that he didn't put an excessive amount on it at all. Then, he stood and took it out the door.

Now mildly confused, Screwball ran around the cottage until she found a window offering a better viewpoint. Picking up her tail in her teeth, she lifted herself up and peered inside.

To her eternal shock and amazement, the rabbit was standing at attention and serving Fluttershy. To say that the yellow pegasus looked astonished would be an understatement, but she soon responded. “Oh... Thank you, Angel.” She gave him a gentle kiss on the forehead. “You're in a generous mood today, aren't you?”

In response, Angel kissed her hoof like she was royalty, bowed slightly, and left the room.

Screwball's jaw literally unhinged itself and fell to the ground. Because of this, her tail fell out of her mouth as well, and she crashed to the ground for the second time today.

Grumbling, she pushed herself up again and began to walk around. What else could she do? Any trees to topple? Fires to start?

She froze as she came face to face with the largest group of animals she had seen. Some were playing, some were eating, some were merely lounging around. Each turned and regarded her curiously, but soon returned to their eating.

Screwball grinned evilly before rearing back and roaring. The sound of a lion tore through the air, and the animals scattered, screaming in their animal voices, sending food and each other flying in their dash for safety. Screwball laughed and quickly hopped behind a tree, only to reappear on top of the cottage. She couldn't find any popcorn, but she was going to enjoy this.

Fluttershy came bursting out of her house. Frantically, she flew around like a leaf caught in the wind, trying to talk down each scared animal. Screwball could catch phrases, like “please” and “don't worry” and “nothing” and she just tittered.

Until Fluttershy had had enough, and told them so.

“Enough!”

Every animal froze instantly. Screwball's jaw dropped in shock yet again. This yellow pegasus was full of surprises.

Fluttershy flew around to the various animals, giving them a quite thorough dressing-down. “What is going on here? I don't care what happens, wide spread panic is never the answer! Personal panic is perfectly fine, but someone could have gotten hurt! What if you had stepped on a mouse?” She whirled on another, demanding, “Or what if you had broken your leg again tripping over something?”

All the animals looked ashamed, and quietly shuffled back to where they were before.

“You don't need to be afraid here! I've already told you that. Now, can we resume a peaceful lunch?”

Upon receiving a unanimous affirmative, Fluttershy nodded self-importantly and headed back inside. She had lunch of her own to eat, after all.

Screwball removed her cap and scratched her head. What had just happened?

Well, if a fake lion roar didn't work, maybe a real lion would. Hopping down from the roof, Screwball landed with all the grace of a wet sponge, faceplanting heavily before picking herself up and heading deeper into the forest.

* * *

Well, this had been a bad idea. The only things Screwball had found were birds, more birds, and the random squirrel. Well, that last one might have been a chipmunk, but she couldn't tell the difference between the two, really. (6)

Stumbling blindly through the forest, she finally arrived at what looked like a hole in the side of a tree. Poking her head inside, she saw a bear sitting down. Screwball tried to restrain a cackle. A bear worked just as well as a lion. As she circled slowly, she became aware that something was not right. He seemed to be... knitting? She pondered this for a moment, and finally the jury of Screwballs in her head read the verdict: This place was crazy. No wonder Daddy wanted to make it Chaos Capital.

He looked up from his knitting and cocked his head in confusion, as if unsure why somepony would be foolish enough to enter his lair.

This question soon left his mind as he got hit in the face with Screwball's tail. Color drained from his fur, turning him a dull gray.

“That Fluttershy,” Screwball spat. “I can't believe you let her do this to you.”

Now enraged at Fluttershy, the disCordEd bear left his den and went off in search the pegasus, presumably to teach her a lesson. In the discorded state, he had a bit of a one-track mind. This is probably why he was ok with leaving Screwball behind, unsupervised, in his den, where he had food, shelter, and, of course, his knitting.

Screwball smiled deviously before grabbing one loose end of the yarn with her teeth, placing one hoof on the bottom, and pulling hard, unraveling the entire thing. Leaving the den, she stuck her head down a gopher hole and pulled herself out of Fluttershy's chimney. She wanted a front-row seat for this.

* * *

The bear entered the meadow swinging wildly and roaring. Needless to say, the animals were surprised at having their dinner interrupted again, and once again, there was the chaotic scene from before. Screwball liked it better when ponies were running in chaos, but she would take what she could get.

Too soon, though, Fluttershy burst out of her house again. “What are you doing?” she asked, fear running through her voice.

The bear, upon noticing his target, roared and charged right at Fluttershy. She managed to dodge, barely, losing a feather in the process.

“What are you doing?” she asked again, now terrified.

The bear either didn't notice or didn't care, and picked himself up and turned around, ready to charge again, but Fluttershy wasn't about to have that. Rearing back one hoof, she waited until he entered range, and, twisting her hips around for maximum force, she punched him. Right in the nose.

She literally punched the bear.

And, to Screwball's eternal astonishment, it dropped him right where he stood. His eyes spun as he tried to make sense of this new development, but Fluttershy wasn't done yet. She flipped him over with inequine strength and put her face in his, and told him in no uncertain terms how she felt.

“You should be ashamed of yourself!” she scolded. “You really could have hurt me! Or another one of my friends!”

And the bear lowered his head in shame. His color seemed to return as Fluttershy gave him a through dressing-down.

Screwball was fairly certain that she had fulfilled her astonishment quota for the rest of the year this day alone. This pegasus had tamed the bear with her words.

And she had punched out a bear!

Well, yeah, there were some other things too.

But she punched out a bear.

The twelve Screwballs in her head came to another unanimous decision, deciding that maybe it was best if she took a more “hooves off” approach.

Still standing on the roof, she stomped lightly with her back right hoof. Turning all the nails in the chicken coop to marshmallows certainly wasn't very original, but hey, she was in a bit of a bind.

It collapsed under its own weight, sending chickens, discarded feathers, dust, and eggs everywhere. (7) Egg yolk splattered on the ground, wood splintered, and the chickens loudly protested the loss of their home.

Screwball shrugged. Chickens were always complaining about something.

“Oh, my,” Fluttershy said, holding a hoof over her mouth in horror at the random devastation. Then, to Screwball's annoyance, she smiled. “You were needing a bigger coop anyway.”

Screwball watched as Fluttershy rounded up her animal friends, found no less than three hammers laying around (seriously?), and began to rebuild the coop. Every animal there was ready and willing to help, from the mice being sent as gofers to the beavers bringing more wood to the deer helping to hammer in nails. She didn't even seem annoyed. She even began to sing happily to herself.

And as if this couldn't get any worse? She was a good singer, too.

Screwball slowly removed her cap, put it over her mouth, and indulged in a little well-deserved scream therapy. What was wrong with this pegasus?

You know what? Fine. FINE. If nothing else works, you just have to do it yourself. Jamming her hat roughly back on her head, she jumped off the roof and walked straight up to Fluttershy. She tapped her shoulder roughly.

With a high-pitched “eek!”, the pegasus jumped slightly, dropping the nails she was holding. “Oh! You startled me! C- can I help you?”

Screwball responded by rearing back and smashing her head against Fluttershy's. The pegasus collapsed instantly, unconscious. She stared down at Fluttershy's unmoving body and allowed herself a small smile. Turning, she saw that same white bunny as before, once again glaring at her.

As she continued to turn, Screwball suddenly realized that she was surrounded by many of Fluttershy's cute little forest animals.

Except this time they didn't look cute; they looked angry.

And there were a lot of them.

Screwball's grin didn't shrink. What could a bunch of stupid animals do to her, the Mistress of Mayhem herself?

* * *

Two hours later, a very tired, very sore, very bruised, very scratched, very winded, and very exhausted Screwball still ran deeper into the forest. After a minute or so of silence, she cast a look behind her to ensure that those crazy animals had stopped chasing her, and when she was satisfied that they had, leaned against a tree and paused to catch her breath. She would never have guessed that animals could fight like that! And those deer! They look so peaceful but even if it had been funny putting little rubber protective red balls on their antlers, they could kick with their hooves and those had hurt!

She slowly slumped to the ground, still gasping for air. Wow... what a night. She failed to turn the yellow pegasus, she got beaten up by animals, and if her bad luck held, she had just blown her chance to stay hidden and undetected by the Elements.

“Can this day get any worse?” she groused. Normally, there is a strong taboo against saying this phrase, as the universe seems to interpret it as a challenge; but since Screwball was a chaos filly, saying this phrase usually helped make her day better. It was how the rules worked.

Unfortunately for her, she was in the Everfree Forest, and the Everfree forest plays by no rules but its own. Screwball stood up and slowly shook her head to clear it. Looking around, she realized she was standing in a large field of light blue flowers. And she recognized them instantly, having used them and their special powers numerous times before. This also explained why the animals who had been so thirsty for vengeance had simply let her go.

Because nopony—and that means nopony—is immune to poison joke.

“Oh, bugger."

Poison Joke Aftermath and Discovery

Screwball opened her eyes and looked around. My, what a lovely day it was! Listen to the birds singing, and the lovely breeze. What a great day to be alive! She stretched and yawned... before squealing in pain. She looked down to see a series of gashes on her chest.

Mercy me! She had been attacked!

Screwball looked down at the dried blood that clung to her coat. She should definitely get this looked at, and fast! Wasn't there a hospital in that quaint little town? Ponyville, was it?

Lifting herself up, she smiled at the sight of pretty blue flowers all around her, and turned and trotted towards town, slowly, as to not disturb her scratches. Surely there would be some kind ponies there who could help her.

* * *

As luck would have it, she quickly found a building labeled “Ponyville General Hospital”. How wonderful! Just think, there were ponies who actually devoted their lives to helping others!

She smiled happily as she pushed open the door. “Excuse me,” she started.

The receptionist looked up from filing her hooves, and quickly dropped the file in surprise. “What happened to you?” she asked.

“I'm not sure,” Screwball said truthfully. “I woke up this morning in the forest and these were already there.”

The receptionist was already frantically skimming through the folder on her desk. “I think he's free... no, just went into surgery... he might... no... she's... Wait. We have a nurse visiting, she's available right now.”

“I'll wait,” Screwball said pleasantly.

“No, no, she'll be waiting, room A-113 right down that hall. Go! Now!”

* * *

Screwball flexed the bandages on her chest. Even though her gashes weren't completely covered yet, she said, “Thank you ever so much, Nurse Redheart. I'm feeling better already.”

The white unicorn smiled. “Oh, I'm always ready to help. Now, I seem to have run out, so let me go get you some more bandages. And when I'm done, you should probably go see the police about these scratches. These definitely look intentional.”

Screwball smiled and settled on the table. Quickly becoming bored, she began looking around the room, examining the blood pressure cuff, the dispenser for the thermometer covers, the many jars of tongue depressors, cotton balls, and alcohol, the mirror, the words on her chest, the many locked drawers and wasn't that kindof silly? What if they needed something important from that drawer but it was locked?

Wait.

Her eyes flicked back to the mirror. Sure enough, that first mark on the left side of her chest (right side in the mirror, wasn't that funny?) almost looked like an 'e'. Turning, she faced the mirror. Slowly, she pulled down her bandages. Her eyes widened as she realized that the gashes on her chest spelled words that she could read in the mirror.

'poIson JokE'

Her jaw dropped, and she pressed a hoof against her head as flickers of memories returned, each bringing a tiny stab of pain. A yellow pegasus. Animals running. Blue flowers.

But what did it all mean?

Redheart returned, and noticed the bewildered look on Screwball's face. She gently placed a hoof on her head. “Are you all right?” she asked. “Do you have a headache? Nausea?”

“Yes, I... no, I'm fine.” Screwball pulled up a smile. “This is going to sound like a strange question, but do you know how to cure poison joke?”

Redheart frowned in surprise, but quickly shifted back into her smile. “As a matter of fact, I do. The spa on Main street, run by Aloe and Lotus, have a poison joke cure. They run it as a public service. Why?”

Screwball smiled. “Just curious. Thank you. You've been more than kind.”

* * *

Now freshly bandaged, Screwball trotted down the street, eyes moving back and forth as she tried to find the spa. Luckily for her, the ponies who built this town seemed to be preparing for uninformed visitors. For example, the bakery looked just like a giant gingerbread house, and the store that sold Quills and Sofas had a large sign and an outside display. Pictograph signs were everywhere, and sure enough, the spa quickly appeared. Screwball happily trotted up and held the door open for the white unicorn who came trotting behind her.

“Oh, thank you,” she said.

As the unicorn passed, Screwball noticed a strange red mark across her cutie mark of three diamonds. “Are you quite all right?” Screwball asked. "You aren't hurt, are you?"

“Yes and no," the white unicorn confessed. “I have this awful itch, and it simply won't go away. Here, though, they have some things to help, and I always feel better after visiting.”

“What a lovely place,” Screwball said.

“Oh, I so agree. And it is so pleasant to be in the company of one as polite as yourself. My name is Rarity, and you are?”

Rarity.

Why did that name sound so familiar?

“My name is Screwball, but most ponies shorten it to Ball, as in 'Belle of the Ball',” Screwball said. That had come so naturally, so it had to have been the truth. Right?

“Charmed,” Rarity said pleasantly. “And now for some comfort.”

Screwball noticed how both spa ponies, which seemed to be the exact opposites of each other in color, lit up at the sight of Rarity.

“The usual,” Rarity said.

“I would like a simple poison joke cure bath, if that's all right?” Screwball requested.

Both ponies smiled widely.

* * *

“So all I have to do is get in?” Screwball asked, poking a tentative hoof at the water. It certainly smelled good, even if it just looked like regular water, and it was nice and warm, too.

“Da,” the pink one said in an accent that Screwball couldn't quite place. “Works like magic.”

“Magic is good,” Screwball agreed.

The pink pony chuckled. “I make own magic with hooves. Works better, and I know it works. Come by for massage some time. I show you real magic.”

“She's quite right, you know,” Rarity agreed from the neighboring tub. At least, it was probably Rarity. The cucumber slices and green mud mask she wore made her look alien. “Aloe and Lotus are miracle workers.”

“You're too kind,” Aloe said happily, and the two spa ponies turned and left the room to give them some privacy.

Screwball slowly lowered herself in. "Like this?" she asked.

“Just go under completely, dearie. It's almost too easy,” Rarity explained, still behind her cucumbers.

Screwball nodded, took a deep breath, and dunked herself.

Her eyes shot open in horror and understanding. She burst from the water, gasping for air.

“Don't drown yourself, though,” Rarity chided playfully.

Screwball's eyes narrowed. Element of Harmony. And they had almost been friends. Slyly, Screwball stomped with her right rear hoof, and Rarity's mane, unnoticed by her, flared bright pink.

“You know, I'm feeling better already. Think I'll go home,” Screwball said.

“You could wait in the lounge,” Rarity offered, “and we could go to lunch together.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” Screwball said. “I have... previous commitments.” And without further notice, she jumped out of the tub, spreading water everywhere, shook herself dry like a dog (much to Rarity's dismay), and sprinted out the door.

She ran across the lounge towards the outer door, but one doesn't simply pass up an opportunity to create some chaos.

Screwball skidded to a stop in front of the counter, much to the surprise of the two ponies standing there. “Hey!” she called.

The two spa ponies looked at each other, then looked Screwball curiously. It was almost creepy how synchronized their actions were.

Screwball hated synchronization. Too predictable. And their color-swapped colors? Awful. Bland. Horrid.

“The white unicorn is wondering when she’s gonna get her happy ending.”

Screwball had expected offense. She had expected horror. She had been hoping for at least a gasp, hopefully a faint.

What she wasn't expecting, but what actually happened, was the blue pony's eyes widening with glee, and the pink pony giggling and giving her companion a hug.

“Vell, go on!” the pink one said, waving on the blue one, who turned and skipped—really?—over to Rarity's room. Much to Screwball's consternation, she had apparently been hoping for this response. (1)

Screwball slammed her head against the counter repeatedly. “This whole town is crazy!” she wailed, emphasizing each word with another hit. “And not the good kind!”

She looked up to see the pink pony regarding her curiously. “Da,” she said, as if it were blatantly obvious. “But ve live here anyway.”

Squealing in frustration, Screwball slammed her back right hoof down and Lotus' mane flared out, looking more like an afro than a spa pony haircut.

Lotus looked in a mirror and gasped in surprise, and a tear came to one eye.

Screwball snarled and stamped again, and a miniature raincloud appeared, drenching Lotus completely. She spun and stomped again and again, releasing chaos everywhere. Manes turned rainbow-colored. Mud hardened prematurely. Gardening magazines became Playcolts. Cucumbers became pickles. Solid soaps exploded. (2) Lotions burst from their bottles. Hot rocks turned ice cold. The steam in the sauna turned to snow. Liquid soap turned to soup.

All in all, it was a big mess.

Nodding in self-satisfaction, Screwball reached up to tug on her cap. To her horror, her head was bare.

Screwball burst out of the spa. “Get out of my way!” she roared, sprinting out, knocking ponies over in her rush to escape and retrieve her one prized possession.

One of the ponies she trampled was Applejack, who promptly returned her own hat to her head. “The audacity of some ponies,” she sniffed.

* * *

Screwball literally sprinted forwards and backwards through the forest, looking for her hat. She poked her head down holes, she stuck her head out of knots in trees, she even checked an eagle's nest (much to the annoyance of Mama Eagle).

Eventually, she found the patch of blue flowers that held her hat. Screwball reached behind a tree and pulled out a fishing rod. She lifted her hooves and found a piece of bubble gum stuck underneath, which she quickly peeled off and stuck on the end of the line to use as bait. It took a couple of casts and a couple of miss-catches (what was that boot doing out here, anyway?), but finally Screwball succeeded in retrieving her hat. She jammed it back on her head and let out a sigh of relief. She had felt so naked without it.

Now that she felt back to her normal chaotic self, she leaned up against a tree and began to think. She would need a new plan, obviously, because her cover was pretty much blown. In fact, she wouldn't be surprised if those pesky Elements were talking about her right now.

Which, incidentally, they were.

* * *

The six ponies and one baby dragon met at Applejack's barn to discuss what had happened and the letter Twilight was planning to send to the princess for guidance. It looked like it was going to be a good meeting. There were also treats provided, courtesy of Granny Smith (who made the really tasty ones) and the Cutie Mark Crusaders Bakery Assistants, Yay, who made ones that only Pinkie could eat. This didn't seem to phase Pinkie, as she just crunched them happily.

Or perhaps it was obliviously. Nopony was really sure when it came to Pinkie.

“This has got to be the worst luck ever,” Rainbow Dash said. “That chaos magic just won't give up, will it?”

“I'm starting to get worried,” Twilight confessed. “I really don't think this is normal. This has lasted longer than Princess Celestia originally thought it would, and there's just too many coincidences and weird things going on.”

Nopony said anything, but as one, their minds went back to this morning, when Berry Punch was found suspended from an unnaturally large glob of gum suspended off the town hall, happily proclaiming that she was now a bird and requesting sunflower seeds be thrown at her.

“Perhaps this chaos magic is tied to a pony?” Rarity suggested, pulling on her rather large hat. Pink really wasn't her color. “After that... incident at the spa, there was a purple pony with a messy mane and a cutie mark of a screw and a ball, and I'm sure I hadn't seen her before all this started happening. She called herself Screwball, and I'm certain that was a fake name.”

“Yeah,” Rainbow added. “I've seen her around a couple times when some shady stuff was going on.”

“Are you sure you're not just bitter because she beat you in a race?” Twilight asked.

“Yes, I'm sure!” Rainbow snapped.

“I'm afraid I'm in accordance with Rainbow Dash,” Applejack said as she shoved an entire apple fritter in her mouth, sending pastry crumbs everywhere (and sending a shudder up Rarity's back). “I do believe that this newcomer is really part of the problem.”

Pinkie Pie looked at Applejack. “That's really getting old,” she said, and without warning, slapped her hard across the face.

Applejack stumbled, but she remained on her hooves. When her eyes had stopped spinning, she turned on Pinkie. “Hey! What 'n tarnation d'ju do that fer?”

“Applejack! Your accent is back!” And Applejack found herself on the receiving end of one of Rarity's hugs.

Applejack was now thoroughly confused. “Ah don't have an accent,” she protested. “And what's with all th' affection and such?”

“Applejack?” Rarity whispered. “Just accept it.”

“Aaanyway,” Twilight said, trying to pull the discussion back on track. “That makes it sound like she's a chaotic pony, and there's no way that's possible.”

“Only one way to find out!” Pinkie Pie said, sliding over a piece of paper. “Ask her!”

“This is ridiculous,” Twilight protested. “There's no reason to bother the princess like this.”

The expressions of her friends quickly caused her to change her mind.

Twilight sighed. “Ok... Let's vote on it. All for?”

Five hooves and one claw were raised into the air.

“All against?”

Only one hoof went up.

Twilight sighed. “Fine, I'll send it.” She pulled out a quill. “Dear Princess Celestia...”

When she was done, Spike sent it, and they didn't have long to wait before the reply came.

It's probable. Be on your guard. Listen to Pinkie Pie.
[signed]
HRH Princess Celestia

Six of the seven present stared at the reply. Pinkie Pie, on the other hoof, had laid one of the brick-like cookies on the table and was occupied with attempting to smash it with her head.

Applejack pulled her hat off her head and summed up their collective thoughts nicely.

“Welp. We're in trouble now, huh?”

Author's Note

I really wanted to get a picture of Screwball in the hospital, but that didn't happen, and I figured this hadn't updated in too long so I decided to drop it.
1) It's funny how serious stories pop out of my not-so-serious ones. I got an idea for a side story here, and it might just turn into a real one.
2) If you thought of the Legend of Zorro in this line, congratulations! You're as random as sleep-deprived me! It made sense at 3 am stop judging me

Confrontation, part 1

Pinkie Pie stood dramatically on top of a rock, her mane blowing in a wind that only she felt. “Brace yourselves,” she intoned dramatically. “There is about to be a little less laughter around here.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Whatever do you mean?”

Pinkie Pie looked back at her body, her eyes slowly tracing over her flank and barrel, both of which were looking a bit pudgy around the edges. “I'm thinking of going on a diet. What do you think?”

While Rarity mentally applauded this idea, and hoped Pinkie would take other fashionable steps in her life (decreasing the large quantity of sugar she consumed on a daily basis would help), Rainbow Dash facehoofed. “Pinkie...” she growled.

“What?” Pinkie's face was the epitome of innocence.

Rainbow had had enough. “We've been walking for two and a half hours! I'm pretty sure this is the third time we've passed this tree!”

“Fourth,” Fluttershy quietly corrected her.

“And I'm sick of walking, I'm sick of not getting anything done, and I'm really sick of following you!”

Pinkie Pie smiled and blinked expectantly, as if awaiting a punch line.

None was forthcoming. “So just use your crazy Pinkie-sense and find us that crazy filly so we can kick her out and I can go back to napping.”

“Oh, you silly,” Pinkie Pie grinned. “Pinkie-sense can't just pick up where somepony is! That wouldn't make any sense.”

Twilight's right eye twitched. “So why have we been following you around?” she asked in a cold, controlled voice.

Pinkie cocked her head. “You were following me? I was following Fluttershy!”

“I was in the back,” Fluttershy quietly defended herself, and Rarity nodded in agreement.

Rainbow Dash threw her hooves up in defeat. “So now we're nowhere nearer to finding Screwball!”

“Screwball? Oh, I know where she is. She's in the park. Did you want to talk to her?”

Pegasi have an inherent life advantage in that they can use clouds for many, many things (1). One of these is scream therapy. Rainbow Dash took this opportunity to take full advantage of this ability.

* * *

Screwball wandered the streets, her eyes and chaos sense scanning desperately. Where were they? Were they hiding? Well, it's not like they would be hiding behind a dumpster or something, but still.

But how strange was it, that she couldn't find any of the blasted Elements?

Ear flop, knee twitch, eye flutter.

Screwball looked up and squinted. The sky was cloudy, but hadn't yet started to rain, so there was no way there should be a rainb-

Sure enough, her sense was never wrong, and a rainbow blur flew right by. Screwball blinked. That had been unexpected, in an expected sort of way.

The rainbow stopped and resolved into a blue pony. “Hey!” she called, returning and pointing a hoof accusingly at Screwball. “There you are!”

Screwball removed her cap and bowed deeply. “Yes, here I am. What were your other two wishes?”

“The only thing I'm wishing for is to send you back where you came from!”

“That's right,” another voice broke in. Screwball spun to see another five ponies lined up. To her surprise, they seemed to fit the descriptions of the Elements. Except for that pink pony. Not sure what she was doing here.

It was the purple unicorn that was talking now. “We are the elements of harmony! Emissaries of her highness Princess Celestia herself! And we're here to vanquish you and ensure that your reign of chaos ends today!”

Screwball tilted her head in confusion. And ponies said she was strange...

Rainbow Dash facehoofed. “Hey, Twilight? Next time, let me do the introductions, ok?”

Twilight looked around, and noticed that all her friends were nodding in agreement. She huffed lightly but nodded.

“Very well,” Screwball said. “You're here for me?” She sat and rested her head on her forehooves, which had been hoofcuffed together. “Read me the charges.”

“Charges?”

“Unless you were going for more of a kangaroo court judgment?” Screwball asked. “Not that I mind, mind you. Kangaroo courts seem much more chaotic and a lot more fun than boring court proceedings. All that 'Order in the court' nonsense, ugh, gag me.”

“I like that idea,” piped up Pinkie. “Kangaroos are cute! So are joeys. I wonder where that name came from. It's fun to say! It means a baby kangaroo, but you don't often get to start words with the hard g sound...”

“We're not kangarooing anyone!” Twilight shouted.

“That's not even a real word,” Rainbow accused.

Pinkie cocked her head. “It's not?”

“No!” Both Twilight and Rainbow confirmed this.

Pinkie sat down and pouted. “Well, it should be,” she muttered.

“Look!” Twilight tried to bring them all back to the purple pony in front of them, who was currently sipping a martini. “Equestria is a place of harmony! Not chaos! So either you stop, or we'll use the elements of harmony on you.”

“Well, that's a little harsh,” Screwball said, setting her glass down. As she did so, it fell over and melted into the ground. “After all, it is my special talent.” She grinned evilly. “And I do like using my special talent.”

“So it doesn't have anything to do with baseball?” Rainbow Dash asked, suddenly confused at the relationship between chaos and her cutie mark.

Screwball snorted, and then raised her rear right hoof and stomped. A little shower of softballs fell over Rainbow Dash, leading her to squeal and duck for cover.

Grinning, Screwball picked up one of the softballs that had rolled by her hoof. “Softball, actually. I love softballs. Their name says they're soft, but they're not.” She took a bite as if it were an apple and grinned, the red stitches hanging out of her mouth. “They're actually quite crispy.”

“That's it! Elements, assemble!” Twilight shouted.

Screwball snorted as she tossed her half-eaten softball away. How cliché. How boring. How... impossible.

“Oh yeah? Where's the elements?” Her jaw dropped as she realized that the pink one was wearing an element as well. “Wh- what is that?” she asked, pointing a hoof at Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie looked down. “Element of laughter,” she said. “It's pretty, and goes with pretty much everything I have in my closet. Which is mostly balloons, my special cupcake stash, and one set of fishne-.”

“What I meant was, how did you get that being what you are?”

“What I am?” Pinkie asked innocently, but her eyes flicked to the left once.

“You know what you are,” Screwball accused.

“Pinkie?” Twilight asked. “What's she talking about?”

“They don't know?” Screwball giggled. “Tell them, then. Tell them what you are, sister.”

“Sister?” All her friends turned to stare at Pinkie.

“You've got some 'splainin' to do,” Rainbow said, landing and poking a hoof accusingly at Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie's eyes quickly darted from side to side, her voice inflection wavered, and she twisted a lock of her mane with her hoof. "I may or may not have told a teensy-weensy itty-bitty pinkie fib," she confessed. "I wasn't blessed with deep magic, and the amount of extra magic an earth pony can pick up is really limited." She took a deep breath. "It's chaos magic. I was born with chaos magic."

Twilight's eyes widened. Suddenly, the world made sense. It made sense by not making sense. This made perfect sense!

"What does that mean?" Rainbow demanded.

"It means basically I'm a littler, cuter, pinker version of Discord," Pinkie explained. "It's a really, really, super duper rare occurrence, but if a pony gives birth to an earth pony filly at exactly midnight on the sixth day of the month if there's a full moon, the filly gets chaos magic. It has to be unlocked, though. The Rainboom unlocked it for me and now, well, I'm me!"

Rainbow Dash nodded. For some reason, this explained a lot of things and it made the most sense to just accept it. "So just females, eh? Where did Discord come from, then?" (2)

Pinkie looked disparagingly at Dash. "I don't have ALL the answers," she said.

Screwball blew a raspberry. "Can we get back to the matter at hoof?" she growled. "You. Me. Elements. Chaos. Sisters."

"How did you find Pinkie, anyway?" Rarity asked.

Screwball circled, chuckling darkly. "We can sense each other. All chaos children can. That's why she thought she knew me. Subconsciously, she knew what I was."

Pinkie Pie brightened. “Ah! That explains a lot!” she said to herself.

“That's a big word,” Twilight commented.

Screwball snarled. “So is 'condescending'.”

Fear and curiosity fought in Twilight's mind, and curiosity (as per usual) won. "So how did you unlock your chaos magic?"

Screwball grimaced, her eyes glinting dangerously. "Me? I crossed a gang the wrong way. I was amazed I even woke up after what they did to me. But it unlocked my chaos magic." She smiled. "I did take my revenge."

Pinkie looked horrified. "No! We're only supposed to use our powers for good!"

“This is good!” Screwball argued. “This is fun! This is what life is supposed to be about! And you all had to go and lock daddy in stone again! That's just not fair!”

"Why do you call Discord 'daddy'?" Rainbow blurted before she could stop herself.

Screwball's eyes hardened. “He was the only one who cared. I survived something no filly should ever have to go through, and once my family found out about my chaos magic, I was disowned like I didn't matter. Some earth ponies never will trust magic. Discord reached out to me. His prison was weakened when Princess Sunbutt lost control of the elements, and he was my only friend. He was my only guide.” She raised her voice angrily. “And you ruined his plan for Ponyville! Chaos capital of the world! It would have been glorious!” She turned to Pinkie Pie. “And you! You've betrayed all us chaos children!”

Pinkie gasped, as if deeply offended. “I did no such thing! You've soiled my honor!”

“You're a chaos pony!” Screwball spat. “You have no honour!”

“You spell honor like a Brit!” Pinkie retorted.

“Buuurn!” Rainbow jeered, before realizing that she had no idea what any of that even meant.

“Equestria was built on order!” Twilight insisted, not used to being ignored like this. “Chaos has no place here.”

“But chaos isn't bad,” Pinkie argued. “Chocolate rain and parties, remember?”

Screwball laughed heartlessly. "Riiight.... because chaos spreads joy and that's why Celestia turned Daddy to stone. That's why I've been hunted and driven out from every town. That's why there are so few of us. Face it, Pinkie, you and me, we're the same. I'm a freak, and you're a freak, and you always will be."

"My friends love me!" Pinkie protested.

“Your friends use you!” Screwball accused. “And your cupcakes are hard and too crunchy and your frosting tastes like mud!”

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Let's end this," she hissed.

Fluttershy hid her face. “Oh, no,” she whispered. “There's only one way this can end...”

Author's Note

Holy shnikies, four months and the update is just a bunch of dialogue? Great. Really.
Thanks for sticking with this story so far. I've had the ending scene written for a while and so this should be wrapping up soon.

1) A prime example of this here.

2) In reality, it's different for every species. Sometimes males get it, like in Draconeqqi; sometimes females get it, like ponies and griffons. Wait a minute.... This is chaos magic. I ain't gotta explain nothin'.

The Only Way To Settle This (totally 105% canon to the story)

EPIC RAP BATTLES OF EQUESTRIA!

VS.

BEGIN!

It's chaos I'm after! I love disasters!
I bring the random and I bring it faster!
You're a party pony freak, you got nothing on me,
Why you got your magic, I just can't see.
You're wasting your powers, where's the dancing buffalo?
And the card houses and soap trails? Girl, I gotta know
What you're doing with your gifts? You throw them right down the drain!
Chaos is a driving force and I like mine insane!

Ooh, that's no fun, Screwy. No, that's not right at all.
Chaos is for cheering up other ponies when they fall.
And parties, and celebrations, and other tasty things!
And the special inner happiness that party-making brings!
I think that we can agree that we both hate peace and quiet
Summon crowds for backup singers! No! That's for starting riots!
But those are no fun either! You just don't know anything.
Chaos is made for 'just for fun', not 'just for being mean'.

I went to a welcome party. Ooh, wasn't it fantastic?
Ha! Your cake tastes just like cardboard, and your cupcakes just like plastic.
Your streamers are just silly, your decorations tacky,
You think you're sweet and random? I think you're just plain wacky.
You're an insult to the chaos! You're airheaded and inane.
You have an ugly color scheme and a really stupid mane.
I bet you're thinking to yourself, At least I have my friends,
Ha! I can't wait until that bubble pops and that illusion ends.
Frankly, I'm surprised that they haven't gotten rid of you.
They all go to your parties? Well, that's just because they pity you.
You’re a loser and a failure and an ADHD pain,
And the world would be a better place if you got splattered by a train.

Whooooaa, now. That escalated quickly
And I can see clearly that your anger's getting prickly
But I can tell you this much, you need to smile for a bit,
Because maybe then you'd make some friends that are totally legit!
See, my friends have always been there, from beginning to the end,
And they certainly won't just walk away, because they are true, true friends!
They love me when I'm happy! They love me when I'm sad!
They love me even after all the crazy times we've had!
So if you're messing with them, then you're messing with me,
Because I love them all dearly. For them, I'll do anything!
So if you're here to cause trouble, turn around and forget it,
Or I Pinkie Promise you, you are gonna regret it.

Author's Note

They're chaos ponies. I'm not sure what else you expected...
Sorry if it's hard to read. I just realized that pink doesn't show up well on light because I usually use the dark setting.
Actual honest-to-goodness chaos-off happens Friday.

Special thanks to enigmaMystere for use of the titlecards, originally for the story Epic Rap Battles of MLP. Used with permission.

Face-off (but not literally)

Screwball grinned, then rushed Pinkie.

Not to be outdone, Pinkie ran towards her new sworn enemy.

They clashed together and clenched, hooves meeting hooves, both mares snarling angrily. Both pushed, rear hooves scraping wildly for purchase against the dirt, but even though dirt and dust flew wildly, neither gained any ground. That's not to say nothing happened, though. Invisible magic pulsed through the air, growing stronger by the second. Both mares' manes whipped in a wind only they could feel, and Twilight took a hesitant step back.

Rarity walked up to the grappling combatants. “I really think there is a better way to do this,” she said, trying to talk them down.

Twilight could smell something acrid and vaguely familiar, but couldn't quite place it right away (1). Suddenly, her eyes flew open. It was the smell that always accompanied strong magics. She knew the smell from her first magic exam and when she watched Celestia raise the sun. And if there were chaos magic this strong...

"Rarity?” she said hesitantly. “You should probably listen...”

Too late. Suddenly, it exploded. What exploded? I'm not really sure. It's chaos magic. It's not supposed to be explained. But the next thing anypony knew, the world had gone topsy-turvy.

Cobblestones were replaced with chessboard squares.

Living trees became rubber.

The rainstorm brewing on the borders of Ponyville changed. All the raindrops were lemon drops and gum drops and oh what a rain that was.

Clouds became pink.

And, perhaps most shocking of all, Rarity was no longer Rarity.

"Why is everypony staring at m- is that my voice?"

For Rarity was no longer a mare.

Though, (not?) surprisingly, he could still scream like one. Pinkie Pie and Screwball had been blasted back by the release of energy, but both remained upright. Pinkie's mane was more poofy than before, and Screwball's propeller cap was spinning madly, but neither seemed harmed. On the contrary, both wore broad smiles, were breathing hard, and both seemed a bit exhilarated by the release of the magic.

Pinkie Pie took all the chaos in stride and bounced up to the pony who used to be Rarity. "Wow, Rarity! You look good as a stallion. But we can't really call you Rarity now, can we? No, because that's a mare's name. We could call you something that sounds like your name, like Scarcity or something, or Rariness?" She scratched her chin thoughtfully, ignoring the panicked screams of various passersby. "I got it! Elusive!"

Screwball had walked up to Pinkie Pie and also began examining He-Rarity. She considered this. "Meh, needs work." (2) And she turned and gave Pinkie the buck of her life, right into a tree.

This would have caused Pinkie a substantial amount of pain; but, as the tree happened to be rubber, it instead flung Pinkie Pie right back at Screwball. Screwball got blindsided by the new Pinkie missile, and both mares were sent tumbling flank over teakettle until stopped by one of the many carts lining the street.

Pinkie landed on top. She poked Screwball's stomach experimentally. "You're squishy," she announced happily.

Screwball responded by reaching behind her back, grabbing a large mallet in her mouth, and whacking Pinkie Pie with it.
Pinkie flew back, the blow knocking her much further back than it should have. She skidded to a stop, somehow landing on her hooves. She cocked her head confusedly.

“I keep mallets all over Equestria, in case of mallet emergencies,” Screwball explained with a smile.

“Ooh, are we playing croquet?” Pinkie asked excitedly. “I love croquet!” She proved this by quickly digging into the ground, pulling out a set of brackets, and throwing them at Screwball like makeshift throwing stars.

With surprisingly good reflexes, Screwball spun her mallet like a bo staff and deflected every one of Pinkie's projectiles, flicking the last one soaring high up into the air with the butt of the mallet. She paused long enough to smirk disdainfully at Pinkie before it returned to the earth, and she wound up and hit it with enough speed to make any professional baseball player jealous. With a resounding crack (which made no sense, as it was a small metal bracket) it flew towards Pinkie, but Pinkie was faster. With a quick stamp of her rear right hoof, she caught the bracket in her mouth, but to everyone's surprise, it was now a long sour gummy worm. She slurped it up noisily and grinned impishly at Screwball.

Screwball's eyes narrowed to slits. She raised her back right leg slowly, as if trying to drag it out of quicksand, and it seemed like there was a sound of gears creaking (3)

Pinkie's ears flopped before flicking back, pinning themselves against her head. "Oh, no," she whispered, before scampering over to her friends and replying with a quick stamp of her own. A white shield appeared around all six.

Twilight Sparkle had enough time to think, 'Is this shield made of... marshmallow?' before Screwball brought her hoof down and water blew out from everywhere. It came from the well, it came from the water tower, it came from basements of houses, it came from everywhere at once, flooding Ponyville.

Except it wasn't water. It was chocolate.

The flow blasted the group backwards, but the marshmallow shield kept them afloat and together. It soon became saturated and sank, and all started treading water. Or perhaps they were treading chocolate?

Twilight quickly conjured a raft by solidifying the chocolate, and pulled her friends aboard. Rainbow shook her head bitterly, as her wings were all gummed up by the chocolate and she knew she couldn't fly. She whipped her wings experimentally anyway, dousing stallion Rarity in chocolate (much to his disgust).

Twilight counted her friends. "Where's Pinkie Pie?"

The mare in question was currently doing the backstroke through the chocolate river. She took a big drink and popped up next to Screwball, who hovered above the mixture with her propeller spinning. It looked as though her hat were keeping her up. It would have been cute, if she didn't have a look of pure murderous rage on her face.

Pinkie Pie didn't even seem to notice her opponent's anger (which, for Pinkie, is par for her course). "This is sooo much better than that soap from before! It's too bad we're sworn enemies now and I'm going to have to defeat you, because I just know we could be good friends. This is really tasty! You got the mixture of cocoa and sugar just right!"

Screwball actually cracked a smile at the compliment as she landed, standing on the liquid chocolate as though it were solid ground. "Thanks. Daddy taught me."

"Chocolate rain was actually one of the best things that has ever happened!" Pinkie proclaimed.

"You know what's one better?" Screwball asked.

Pinkie shook her head 'no' and bobbed in anticipation.

"Chocolate whirlpool!" And with a quick stomp on the chocolate's surface, a whirlpool opened up, sucking Pinkie in. She screamed as she disappeared under the flow, dragged to the bottom by chocolatey goodness.

"Pinkie!" Twilight yelled. She lit her horn and desperately searched for any sign of Pinkie with her magic, but the magic didn't ping off any living beings.

A wooden box floated by. Pinkie Pie popped out of it, none the worse for the wear. "That wasn't very nice," she said, pulling herself to the surface and also standing on the liquid chocolate.

“Well, you're not very nice!” Screwball retorted. “What did Daddy ever do to you?”

“This!” Pinkie growled, gesturing at her friends on the raft, all of whom were watching in shock. “If chaos is only fun for one pony, it's wrong!”

“You're wrong!” Screwball retorted, and made up for her lame comeback with a swing of her hoof.

Pinkie Pie deflected it and swung back. Screwball flipped backwards, somehow levitating in the air, and lashed out with her rear hooves, catching Pinkie Pie in the face. Pinkie Pie skidded backwards, quickly regaining her balance and standing on the chocolate again.

Twilight Sparkle could only watch in stunned astonishment as her friend fought on top of the chocolate. Hoof to hoof they combatted, with much mane tugging and tail pulling as well as devastating haymakers and uppercuts. Pinkie pulled a rubber chicken from somewhere and began beating Screwball with it, who returned fire by smashing a bowling ball on Pinkie's head. The bowling ball cracked, and an enormous egg yolk splattered onto the street.

Finally, Pinkie managed to gain an advantage, and she rotated her body and flipped Screwball over her hips, slamming Screwball’s face into the chocolate. Except it was no longer chocolate.

She sat up, spitting angrily. “What the… pudding?” she demanded. This is not what she'd stomped.

“Yep!” Pinkie said happily. “Everypony loves pudding.”

“I don't,” Screwball said. She stomped again, stuck her head under the chocolate, and when she surfaced again, she had a chain in her mouth. She pulled it, revealing an abnormally large drain plug, and the chocolate began to vanish down a large storm drain that Twilight was one hundred percent certain was not normally there in the middle of the street.

A smaller slurping sound made her turn, whereupon she saw Rainbow shoveling the pudding into her mouth before it all disappeared. Feeling the judging eyes of six ponies staring at her, she looked up sheepishly. “What?” she defended herself. “I like pudding.”

“See?” Pinkie proclaimed. “Pudding!”

“Enough with the pudding!” Screwball growled as the last of the offending substance flowed down into the drain. “And stop encouraging her!”

To everypony’s surprise, it was Fluttershy who spoke up. “No,” she said firmly. “Friends always encourage friends. Go Pinkie Pie! Woo hoo!”

Applejack brought up a hoof and whistled. Pinkie took a bow as the rest of her friends stomped and cheered because let’s be honest, with everything else going on, that made perfect sense.

“Friends?” Screwball smiled evilly as something new occurred to her. "Friends. Right." And with a quick stomp, she forced iron spikes out of the ground. They hovered menacingly before shooting towards He-Rarity.

Pinkie gasped, but quickly recovered and stomped her own hoof. A white shield--was that frosting?--swirled into existence in front of the missiles. As they passed through it, they were transformed into pies.

All of which hit Rarity in the face.

Rainbow burst into laughter, and even Fluttershy giggled.

"Here, Ah can help clean that off," Applejack offered, before realizing that that sounded weird. She paused, and her ears drooped. (4) "That came out wrong," she said.

“My turn!” Pinkie Pie held up… wait…

"Pinkie, is that a bazooka?" Twilight stammered.

"Yep!" Pinkie smiled brightly. "It's my party bazooka!"

"Where did you get that?"

Pinkie looked at it, and looked back. She shrugged. "I don't know," she said cheerfully.

But knowing where it came from and how it was used are two different things. Pinkie fired, sending a barrage of confetti and various other party supplies at Screwball. A cupcake hit her in the stomach, and as she reared up in surprise a party hat hit her in the nose and stuck there.

“Are you sure you don't want a party?” Pinkie asked hopefully.

Screwball growled and pulled the hat off her face. She reached into the hat and pulled a spear out from it, and she aimed it at Fluttershy.

Without thinking, Pinkie Pie launched herself in the air and took the missile right in the stomach. She landed hard on the ground, blood streaming from the entrance hole.

Her friends rushed around her, Fluttershy sprang into action trying to stop the bleeding, but Pinkie Pie pushed them all away. She stood up shakily and looked over at Screwball with a sad look in her eyes. She pushed herself to her hooves, ears flopping, her knee twitching, and her eyelid fluttering.

“Screwy... we could have been friends...” she whispered, before stomping one more time.

A flare of chocolate covered everyone. Twilight managed to close her eyes in time; He-Rarity's wail let her believe he had not managed to do that.

When she opened her eyes, she realized they had teleported. Twilight felt a mild throbbing in her head. Had she gotten a concussion?

“Where are we?” she asked, looking around. She didn't recognize anything from this angle. Of course, she might have been upside down at the time.

“I'm sorry,” Pinkie said softly.

The floor pattern looked familiar, but Twilight couldn't think because there was still that throbbing in her head. But then, Twilight suddenly realized what that pain was. It wasn't physical pain; it was more of a pressure in the base of the horn. All unicorns get that feeling when around powerful magic.

They were in the safe with the Elements of Harmony.

“You could have been like my sister,” Pinkie Pie sniffled, “and we could've thrown amazing parties and had so much fun together…”

Screwball put her face in her hooves and sighed loudly. “What are you playing at? You sound like it's over already. Which it is—you're the one with a spear in your middle.” She looked up, and suddenly noticed that all but one of the ponies facing her were wearing necklaces, and the one that wasn't wearing a necklace wore a shiny crowny thingie.

“Goodbye,” Pinkie whispered, before the magic was activated and her necklace began to glow. All six began to rise up from the ground.

Screwball's face screwed up in an angry rage. She launched herself at Pinkie.

Unfortunately for her, light travels a lot faster than ponies. She was stone before she had even landed a hoof. Her stone form skidded on the ground, face still contorted in fury.

Pinkie sighed. “I'm sorry,” she whispered again, patting the stone mare on the head. She slipped, and lay on the ground, breathing deeply.

Twilight tried to stop the bleeding, but to her surprise, there was no successful feedback; it must have been the chaos magic blocking hers…

“Girls?” Pinkie began softly. “When I die, please don't be sad. Throw a party at my funeral, ok? And have cake, with hot sauce.”

“Anythin', Pinkie,” Applejack promised.

Fluttershy nodded, tears starting to form in her eyes.

“I'll bring some rainbow down, just for you,” Rainbow Dash promised, her voice cracking mid-sentence.

Rarity might have joined, but she was enjoying the sensation of being a she again, and was admiring her newly restored body.

“And you two,” she said, waving a hoof weakly at both Applejack and Rainbow Dash. “Find a good time to confess your love, ok?”

To say that this revelation took the two mares by surprise would be an understatement.

“But... Ah don't... ya know...”

“Wait. What? You mean she... but I don't…”

That was about as long as Pinkie could last. She burst out laughing at the surprised pair. “Oh, you two looked so funny!” she squealed, hopping up and bouncing around again. “I got you goooood!”

“Pinkie!” Twilight gasped. “You're injured, you shouldn't...”

Her internal logic circuits fizzled again as Pinkie removed the spear and revealed a piece of cherry pie impaled on top.
“Chaos!” she proclaimed happily.

And with that, Twilight's brain simply could not handle any more, and she fainted.

Author's Note

1) It's actually ozone; but I have no idea how to describe that in this period.
2) Yeah, Elusive is actually my least favorite Main Six R63 name. It's not a bad name, I just don't like it; but I can't think of anything better so I guess I'm stuck with it. But my LEAST favorite is Vinyl Scratch into Record Scrape. I think Vinyl works just fine male or female, and, growing up in a place with ice, when I think of 'scrape' I'm scraping ice off my windshield, and if you try that on a record, you're going to not have any music.
3) The sound that came to mind is from Nanny McPhee [wow how old is this story?], the sound it makes when she lifts her cane; but I'm not sure how to describe that either. I suppose this is why I'm still writing fanfiction and not getting paid for this.
4) When brainstorming this, Applejack's original line was 'sweet niblets, that came out wrong' and I thought, 'That's funny! Where does that come from? ....oh yeah.... nvm...'

Epilogue (or, what Pinkie and Twilight did)

Twilight couldn't take it anymore. Her curiosity had gotten the best of her.

Again.

And even though something whispered that she would regret this, she decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Steeling herself, she walked into Sugarcube Corner.

Pinkie looked up at the jingling of the bells, and brightened. “Hiya, Twilight!” Pinkie greeted her friend.

“Hi, Pinkie. I have a question.”

“And I have an answer! Maybe.”

Twilight took a deep breath. “So, Pinkie... Let's say—hypothetically, of course—that you let the chaos go. Just for, oh, I don't know, five minutes. What would happen?”

Pinkie smiled, her grin stretching across her whole face. She knew an invitation when she heard one. “Let's go up to my room, and let me show you. Come on, Gummy!”

In Pinkie's room, Twilight quickly set up protective wards around the door and window to try and contain it; whatever it was. Pinkie walked up to the window and licked the air experimentally. “Ooh, yes, that will convert quite nicely.”

“What do you mean?”

Pinkie's response was flashing a sly smile and raising her back right hoof slowly yet with effort, as if trying to pull it out of quicksand. It got all the way up to the level of her cutie mark before she stomped.

Five minutes later, Twilight Sparkle, Celestia's private student, the embodiment of the Element of Magic, the most powerful mare in Ponyville and arguably the most powerful mare to come out of Canterlot, the unicorn who studied and understood—and enjoyed explaining—theoretical magic that assumed such blatant violations of basic theory that most considered it a useless pastime, stumbled out of Pinkie Pie's room, completely dazed and mind completely blown.

Pinkie Pie stood, smiling as she normally did, as she watched Twilight stumble down the stairs. She heard strange sounds coming from the purple mare. “But the bunnies... and the marshmallows... but my wards... rainbows... mice... the soap... but the jelly beans... and the... and the... but the marshmallows!”

Pinkie Pie giggled. “Gummy, have I mentioned that I love being me?”

Gummy, no worse for the wear of having just been a bipedal alligator the size of a manticore, blinked twice. Pinkie assumed that meant 'yes'.

From her place behind the counter, Mrs. Cake looked up and smiled at Twilight. “Twilight, dearie. How are you?”

“The marshmallows!” Twilight shrieked. And with that, she stumbled out of Sugarcube Corner.

Mrs. Cake hesitated, chewing on her lower lip thoughtfully before turning to Pinkie Pie and saying, “Pinkie? Do I want to ask?”

Pinkie smiled widely. “Nope, probably not!”

Mrs. Cake nodded and returned to her baking. “I didn't think so.”

Pinkie Pie nodded. “And that's the story.”

Discord chuckled as he literally drank the cup of tea he held. “That's quite the story, miss Pinkie Pie.”

“Yep! And every word's true.”

“Even the rap battle part?”

Pinkie grinned as she picked up a cookie. “Almost every word.”

Discord nodded. “Very well. I suppose that makes sense. Still, I don't think Screwball really deserves being in stone, do you?”

“Nope! That's why I petition for her release almost every day. Sometimes twice a day.”

“And do you think she'd be ready to adjust to this new world?”

“You adjusted, and she loves you,” Pinkie pointed out. “I think with a little friendship and cupcakes, she'll be a perfect new friend.”

Discord smiled. “I certainly hope so,” he said.

After the picnic, when Pinkie Pie was packing up all the things, he brought a paw up and gently stroked Screwball's stone mane.

“Yes,” he repeated, one corner of his mouth turning up in a twisted smile. “I certainly hope so.”

Author's Note

So I was clearing out my google drive and I found a document that hadn't been updated since September. 'Really?' I said. 'What story is that?'
It was this story.
So I decided I should sit down and pound out the rest of the chapter. It turns out that most of the fight scene was already written; it just needed to be tied together.
I'm not going to lie, it feels good to have finished a story. I dunno if it's the best I can do, but I brought this thing into the world and the least I can do is give it a proper ending (as opposed to this garbage).
Looking back on how I started the story, I'd say I've improved as a writer, and I hope to keep improving. Onwards and upwards!