Happy Hearthmas!

by Jest

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Princess Celestia, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2602

Anon has decided to bring Christmas to Equestria. Being Santa couldn't be that hard, right?

Anon has decided to bring Christmas to Equestria. Being Santa couldn't be that hard, right?

No actual sexually explicit content here, but there are references and some minor bad language.

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Brought to you by the donations for my mom! (Find out more about that here.)

Published 2019-12-24 21:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2019-12-24 21:40:02 UTC

Equestria's First Christmas

The sound of a door being kicked open followed by something exploding into a thousand pieces made Twilight shoot out of bed, the unicorn looking bleary eyed around her room. A sliver of moonlight illuminated what little could be seen, which just so happened to be a green faced bipedal creature standing in the corner of her room. The titular human wore an obviously fake big white beard complete with moustache, a garish red hat with white trim and white pompom at the end of it.

He also wore a large red overcoat complete with an oversized black belt, red pants and black boots. The entire outfit was so far out of the human’s usual style that the unicorn merely sat there, staring at the garish thing with slacked jawed confusion. Said human seemed to notice her confusion and turned towards the unicorn just as he was about to grab her crystal ball.

“Damn. I guess the magic sound dampeners didn't work.” He muttered.

“Anon what are you doing in my room and why are you stealing my crystal ball as well as...” Her eyes narrowed, only now adjusting to the low light and revealing that he had a large red sack over his shoulder which had several items she recognized poking out of it. “What looks like every peice of magical adventuring equipment I own?”

“Christmas.” Anon declared, as if that would in anyway answer the unicorn’s question.

“Its hearth's warming, remember?” Replied the unicorn, who scratched her head. “Also, that doesn't answer my question one bit.”

“Oh but it does.” Anon declared, while raising a finger. “For I am going to bring the magic of christmas to Equestria!”

Twilight frowned. “Your going to give all that stuff back right?”

“Probably.” Anon remarked with a shrug.

“I really oughta do something about this.” Twilight remarked, only to look down at the lab coat and turtleneck she wore. “But I am already in my pajamas.”

Anon raised an eyebrow and watched as Twilight fell right back to sleep, only to shrug and stuff the crystal ball into his bag along with the rest of his ill gotten loot. “Now it's time for a little recon.”

And with that anon the santa garbed human began to whistle his favorite christmas tune as he strode out the door and proceed back home, a pep in his step and a plan in his mind. “Oh its christmas at ground zero, the radio just let us know, that I can't remember the rest of this song.” Sang the male, who hummed a jaunty tune.

The sound of his door getting kicked down startled Button Mash out of bed, the colt flailing wildly as he got caught in his bed sheets. “Holy fuck, mom, mo-!” He started to yell until a black gloved hand covered his mouth.

“Hey shut up kid, or your not getting any presents.” Anon hissed.

Blinking several times, Button Mash looked up to find the resident human looking down at him while wearing the weirdest getup the young pony had ever seen. Then, the words the human had said settled into his brain, and his young mind was at war with itself. On the one hoof, this was beyond weird, and sounded like something only a robber would say, but on the other hoof, presents.

Noticing that his newest giftee was relaxing, Anon pulled back his hand. “Good, now I don't want any trouble. Your the last house in Ponyville and I got a long sleighride to Manehatten after this, never mind the fact that Rainbow Dash is allergic to the red face paint I used on her so we don't have much time.”

“Who are you supposed to be anyway?” Button Mash asked. “You look like a yeti.”

“Wait, yetis are real here?” Anon muttered. “Why didn't anyone tell me that?” He sighed and shook his head. “It doesn't matter. I’m Santa Claus and I’m here to give you that new game you wanted, duty shooter twenty four, or at least I was gonna. Don't worry though, Santa Anon has the next best thing.”

“Don't tell me its duty shooter twenty three, that game is so old.” Whined Button Mash, only to cock his head when Anon’s arm emerged from the sack on his back. “What is that?”

Anon grinned, as he waved around the long peice of cylindrical plastic which had a hole at one end, a hole that was familiar to the young pony. “This is a sex toy. Since I couldn't get ya the game or a girlfriend, I figured this is the next best thing.”

“Wait, how do I-” Button Mash’s jaw hung open as realization hit him.

“Now your getting it. Just make sure to use some lube and wash it out after ever use or else it gets hella gross.” Anon remarked before tossing the sex toy at the colt, who was still half bound by his blankets.

Shaking loose of his cloth prison, Button Maash grabbed the sex toy. “Dude this awesome. Thanks!”

“No problem kiddo.” Anon began before striking a pose. “And remember that christmas isn't just about receiving, it's about giving, about keeping the holiday spirit alive and always-”

“Yeah whatever now get out of my room.” Button Mash exclaimed, the colt already pushing the human out of his room. “I got stuff to do.”

Anon looked angry for all of a second before he shrugged. “Fine by me. I gotta go give your mom what's shes been craving for years, and that might take a while.”

Button Mash watched as the human whistled a song he had never heard before as he walked down the hall in the direction of his single mother’s room. For a moment he was caught between telling the human off, cus he was fairly certain what he was implying, but on the other hoof, sex toy. With a shrug, Button Mash closed his door, flicked on his lamp and hopped into bed.

“Alright, let's see what you can do.” He muttered.

“Whoo wee, that sure was something.” Anon exclaimed as he pulled up his pants and tightened his belt.

“I’ll say.” Remarked Cream Heart with a satisfied grin. “Make sure to come back anytime your hungry for a nice cream filled pie.”

“Well I’m afraid christmas only comes once a year.” Anon replied slightly awkwardly.

“Oh really? I thought you came at least twice back there.” Cream Heart exclaimed with a raunchy smirk.

Anon coughed and leaned against the door jam. “Well I mean, I’m not very good at this whole owning a calender thing so uh, what I’m trying to say is…”

Cream Heart grabbed the front of the human’s jacket and yanked him down to her height before firmly pressing her lips against his. A minute later and she released the hold he had on the male before taking a step back and licking her lips. “Just remember sugar, in this house, everyday is hearth's warming.” She whispered.

Anon stumbled back, a smirk on his green face. “Christmas, but yeah totally. I’m gonna go now. Between the time distortion spells and all the other goodies I’m gonna be cutting it close.”

Cream Heart blew the human a kiss as he stumbled away. “Don't work too hard now sugar.”

The sound of a door getting kicked down made Luna sigh, and look up from her work, the pony looking away from the tax code adjustments she was in the middle of ruminating on. Only for the pony to raise an eyebrow the second she realized it was not Celestia bursting in on her like she assumed. Even more surprising was the fact that it was Anon, who was wearing a weird sweat stained red, white and black outfit with a blindfold over his eyes.

“Why pray tell, do you have that ridiculous get up on?” Luna asked as he watched Anon stumble around the room.

“What, you mean the blindfold? Cus thats to make sure I don't stumble into you doing any freaky pony sex things again. I don't want any more of those images in my head, thank you very much.” Anon replied, before knocking over a nine hundred year old vase which was caught by the dark princesses’ magic.

“No that's not…” Luna sighed, and pressed a hoof against her forehead. “I am not doing any freaky sex things. At the moment anyway. So you can take that off.”

“No way.” Anon declared before running into a bookshelf and turning back around. “I ain't gonna tempt fate like that.”

Luna sighed, and lifted the human in her magic before depositing him directly in front of her large, mahogany desk, saving the rest of her decore. “What do you want?” She half asked, half stated.

The human reached into his bag only to stop and raise an eyebrow. “Are you sure you aren't doing any naughty business?”

Luna rolled her eyes. “As far you know.”

The human huffed, and pulled down his blindfold, appearing more disappointed by the second. “Huh, well would you look at that.” He remarked with a frown.

“You look disappointed.” Luna remarked. “I thought you didn't want to see any ‘freaky sex things’” Luna exclaimed while adding air qoutes to the last three words.

“I know, but actually seeing you like this kinda takes all the fun out of it.” The human sighed, and retreived a small box topped with a bow before tossing the entire thing at the alicorn. “Whatever, its been a long night. Merry christmas and whatever.”

Before Luna could even open her gift, the human turned and left, closing the door behind him and leaving the alicorn to unwrap and open the small box. Inside was another box, one that felt familiar for some reason, and after opening it she found out why. The soft tinkling of music emanated from the small square chunk of wood as a tiny silver moon slowly turned upon a stand, showing off the various phases of the celestial body.

“Aww, that's adorable.” Luna remarked with a smile.

“Does that mean were done?” Asked a male voice from beneath her desk.

“Yeah, it's getting stuffy down here.” Added a second, female voice also from under her desk.

“Not until your done your jobs.” Luna barked, only to lean back her chair and lick her lips. “Oh yeah, just like that.”

A dull thump made Celestia look up from her book and glance towards the door. “Come in!” She shouted.

When no answer came, the alicorn frowned, and opened the door, prompting the exhausted form of a certain human to sprawl across the floor, the male panting hard. “I knew I’d get it eventually.” He muttered while raising a triumphant finger.

“You didn't manage to... I mean, congratulations Anon.” Celestia quickly corrected, the alicorn putting aside her book and approaching the young human. “Now, is there a reason you have broken into my room?”

“Yes, and a good one too!” He declared before stumbling to his feet. “It's christmas and as such all the good ponies must receive gifts, though I may have underestimated just how many good ponies there are.”

“And you gave a gift to every single one of them?” Celestia asked incredulously, the alicorn helping the human back onto his feet.

“Yes! Everypony in equestria got a gift and all I needed was the help of like a bajillion spells, and a bunch of ancient artifacts I totally borrowed and will absolutely, definitely return. Oh and Rainbow Dash and the wonderbolts who pulled my sleigh and for the record I did not blackmail them so if they tell you otherwise, don't believe them.” Anon declared.

Celestia smiled, and looked the human up and down, only now realizing just how sweaty and exhausted he looked. “And you did this almost completely by yourself? Amazing.”

Anon grinned. “I am pretty awesome, and now, for the final gift.”

When he went to reach into his bag Celestia silently stopped him with her magic. “No that's quite alright. I think you’ve given me enough of a gift already.”

“Aw come on, don't make me beg. Hey watch it!” Anon exclaimed as Celestia hit him with a cleansing spell before pushing him towards her bed. “Well as I was saying, woah wait a second.”

Celestia smirked as she teleported away his clothes, leaving behind only his boxers before teleporting a pair of pajamas over his mostly naked body. “There we go. Now doesn't that feel better?”

Anon blinked, and ran his hand down the green pajamas that were covered in question marks. “I look like the riddler.” He pointed out.

“But is it comfortable?” Celestia asked while subtly pushing the human towards the bed.

“You know what? It is pretty comfy, but the color leaves-” The human yawned unexpectedly while slipping into the bed and under the sheets. “-a lot to be desired.”

“I’ll be sure to tell the royal seamstress.” Celestia whispered, her magic turning down the crystal lights and causing the room to darken significantly.

Anon snuggled under the sheets, unable to resist the pull of the subline bedding, only to perk up when he heard Celestia near the door. “Wait, don't forget your gift.” He called out.

Celestia blinked, looked down to the nearly empty bag and seemed to think about it for a second before opening it and grabbing a small envelope with her name on it. “Thank you Anon. Have a good night's sleep.”

“Yeah you too Sunny.” Anon replied before rolling over and almost immediately beginning to snore.

Chuckling, Celestia closed the door and sighed before opening the envelope. Inside was a small card with a crude drawing of the green human on the front with the words ‘thank you!’ written in a speech bubble above its head. Also inside was a single slip of paper which Celestia quickly unfolded and read.

This coupon is good for one day off and a backrub.

Celestia giggled as she turned the slip over, finding even more writing on the back.

Lets face it, you need an excuse to take more time off.

Shaking her head, Celestia teleported the card and coupon to her desk so they would not be lost.

“Princess? Are you alright?” Asked a nearby guard, who paused mid step when he had noticed the alicorn.

Celestia wiped away a tear and quickly wrapped the other pony in a brief hug. “Merry christmas Swift Spear.”

The confused guard hugged the alicorn back. “Uh what's christmas?”

Celestia smiled. “A truly wonderful holiday.”

Author's Note

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