Death. Life’s great equalizer. An ever present force that is only rivaled by the living’s disregard for such a preposterous thing. The profound nature of death is lost in all but a few, the few that only partially leave this world, their souls trapped in a different time, seeking gospel in repetition but failing to recognize the fault in such an uncontrollable belief. Those trapped and tortured inside this sinking sand shrouded in darkness are impervious to those who seek to do good in this world, or any world. This holds true for all but a select few, for their gifts and capacity for love far out shines any darkness and far overpowers any dreadful force of nature that once held control over the living. The darkness can be overcome, they say, but only by those who rival their own capacity that is hidden in the depths of their enigmatic soul. They say there is more, that all beings can overcome this, but little do they know that this does not hold true. The only true way to bring your capacity out into the light, is perhaps to engage in, what the rest of them call, repositioning one’s self to fit their desire to retain adequate levels of heat and therefore release dopamine into their body from the heat and companionship.
My hand shook violently as I tried my best to empty the rest of the vodka bottle into my glass. Just one more, just one more! I desperately tried to retain a shred of dignity. Five minutes later, dignity had left me and the glass was shattered and tears were threatening to spill and the bottle was empty, still feeling cold in my grasp. I dropped the now useless container harmlessly onto the table and, in a futile attempt to remain sane, raised myself up from my couch and limped my way over to the fridge. The best thing in my life. Nothing else mattered. Nothing else was nullifying. Nothing else could provide what that could.
Extending my blurry appendage towards the handle, I yanked on the door and desperately reached out into the white void, tears streaming. I knew it was wrong, but it was the only way to stop the constant explosions that rocked my house and the dead bodies from littering my floor, flickering in and out of their bloody existence. I keep telling myself that I left that world, that I’m in a better place now, but my soul refuses to believe that. The pain of remembering my brothers and sisters in arms was too much to bear, so this is what I have been banished to do now.
I breathed a sigh of relief as another bottle became half empty faster than I can say “God has left me”. Shaky breaths filled my ears as the ringing died down, the fire vanishing from my torn walls and holes in my egg white ceiling only half repairing themselves. I collapsed down on the cracked tile floor and cradled myself up in a futile attempt to feel something, anything other than the debilitating pain and suffering that tormented me day in and day out.
Gunfire shook me from my position and to a defensive stance behind the couch, heart racing. A few more tears streamed down my face before I could repress them as I calmed down a little and hastily made my way to my front door, wiping the tears from my eyes with the soft knife on my arm. Peering outside, I was greeted with a multitude of colors that I normally wouldn’t be bothered with, but the red and green that adorned them reminded me.
Oh right, it’s Christmas. My hand still shook as it made its way towards the wooden trigger and fired it, letting in a blast of cold air with no predator to destroy it. Standing before me with grins as bright, if not brighter, than the sun were four pretty princesses. The leader of the squadron was improperly dressed for the occasion. I never understood how anybody could be calm in this kind of environment. Bringing myself back to reality, I addressed the four princesses loitering in front of me. “Whatsh are yoush doing hershe?” I asked begrudgingly, slurring my speech. I saw Celestia’s nostrils flare for a brief moment before she replied to me. I tried my best to regain my bearings. Military training was always superior to everything else.
“Well, it is Hearth’s Warming Eve, so I wanted to check up on how our resident human is doing.” She announced joyfully with a smile.
“I’m the only human around, Princess.” I replied groggily, shaking my head. I’m so done with this pretty little Princesses’ shit. She’s tried this before. I don’t understand why she thinks this’ll work. Glancing behind her, I could see the Sparkle one, or whatever her name is, frown at the lackadasicality of my answer, but I just mentally shrugged. My porch, my rules.
“Well Damien, can we come in?” She asked, puppy dog eyes in full swing while gesturing to the three other alicorns behind her. Seems like she still can’t resist her urges to be adorable. Sighing the biggest sigh I have ever let out and pinching the bridge of my nose, I reluctantly stepped aside and gestered inside my small one-story house.
“Please, my house is always open to you, Princesses.” I said, sarcasm heavily laced in my voice causing Cadence to give me that playful “watch yourself mister” look. Giving a slight snort and shaking my head, I shut the door behind myself as the four of them entered into my home, and immediately stopped dead in their tracks. “Princesses? What’s wro- Oh...right.” I had forgotten about the dreadful state of my house. My ceiling was cracked and riddled with water damage and the hardwood oak floor in my living room was covered in stains of questionable origin, a testament to my problem. The once light blue couch that dominated said living room had been reduced to a quarter of its original size and the color had long since faded into obscurity. The brick above the fireplace was cracked, the tile floor of the kitchen was cracked, well, you get the idea. Had gunfire and grenades not interrupted me and I had ample warning ahead of time, it's possible that the decorations I was in the process of putting up would’ve mitigated the staring, if even by a few dozen seconds. God, even the tree is tilted. What have I become?
Sighing, I walked over to the couch and plopped myself down next to it. A quick pistol fire from my fingers was enough to bring the four of them back to true reality as I gestured to the couch next to me. It wasn’t much, and it definitely wasn’t royalty worthy but it was all I had. Why was I being so nice? I’m not sure, but that’s a question for another time. Right now, I have four magical fantasy folk that I need to attend to right now.
I could see Celestia and Cadence slightly cringe at the dastardly sight before them before retreating behind their benevolent smiles. Not that I blame them. I was the first one to speak after they each picked their spots on the couch. “So, what is it that you all needed again?” I asked carelessly, hoping to break the ice. Sparkle opened her mouth first, but Luna beat her to it.
“We are here precisely to check on how you’re doing. And it seems...well…” She trailed off nervously, breaking eye contact with me. I just shrugged.
“It’s fine, you can say it. Yeah it’s not going too well, but it’s going...yeah.” I frowned. Was that really all I could come up with?! They’d never buy that, they just spent a good minute and a half gawking at my mess. Way to go SHERLOCK! What, do I expect them to go ‘Oh you’re right Damien, our bad see ya next time!’? NO, of course not!
I looked over to the four of them, expecting them to continue this train wreck for me. I didn’t believe they would though, not even a tank shell could pierce this. I made eye contact with Cadence, and she gave me that look again. Don’t prove me wrong. Oh no, please don’t.
“Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” She asked innocently. She picked her words very carefully. Smart mare, to an extent. God dammit, they’ve been asking that every week since I got here! I felt my fists clench before I took a deep breath, trying to keep myself from exploding with anger or jumping into a combat stance. One of the two, it was par for the course.
“No, Cadence!” I yelled firmly. That made them flinch, ouch. I’m going to regret that later. “I’m tired of you asking, and the answer will never change, no! It’s none of your business and that will never change!” Clearing from my rage, I looked at them, only to be met with the most heart wrenching sight I have ever seen. Four adorable little ponies with their ears pinned back and their pupils shrunken a little. This outburst had been especially loud, god what was wrong with me?! Sighing, I cupped my face in my hands and let a tear fall.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered shakily, “but no means no.” I stated at a normal volume this time. Why did I have to be such an asshole? This is exactly why I live on the outskirts of the village! Shifting around on the couch in front of me pulled me out of my thoughts and my head out of my hands. They were preparing a for counter-attack. Oh no.
“Damien, please,” I heard Luna begin, a slight sob grounding her plead, “I can’t bear to watch a dear friend go through what I subjected myself to. I know it is a lot to ask, but please, for both our sakes just confess to us.” That sobbing broke my heart. Is this really what I reduced them to? And to think, that thinking of myself less would only hurt those closest to me more. Heh, irony. I looked away from them and gave the most conflicted expression I could muster.
I looked over to my right to Twilight. She looked like she had something to say, as if the others didn’t.
“Damien, do you remember at the start of this month, when we came to your house and we told you that we were getting you a gift?” She said softly. I simply nodded. Please don’t guilt trip me, please don’t! She took a deep breath, seemingly to clear her head, and continued on.
“And you reciprocated, saying that you’d try your best to get us a gift by Hearth’s Warming Eve?” She asked innocently in a voice barely above a whisper. My heart shattered. Oh shit. I nodded, much slower this time. Thankfully, I was saved, or fucked even harder, by her next words.
“Well, you could give us a pretty awesome gift,” she chuckled and smiled a little, “if you’d just tell us what is driving you so insane.” Tears were in full swing now. “Let us, as your friends help you. Please.” Her soft toned pleading just did what I asked them not to do. If their pained expressions were anything to go by, I guess that hit me really hard. I just sat there in silence, contemplating an answer.
Guilt, what a strong emotion. The driver of all remedied mistakes but also the destroyer of relationships. What would the world be without it? Emotionless husks would roam the continents just as they do today, not driven by any sensible desire to do any good for the ones around us. Or perhaps, bloodshed would still be the norm, a false virtue held high above the clouds to a point where even an angel would mistake it for something more positive. Something that can be perceived in a variety of different ways, depending on one’s mood. But what would that angel mistaken it for?
Love is perhaps the most complex human emotion, yet so many pretend to know what it means. Are they lying to themselves? Or is the understandable desire to try and give some meaning to their death ridden lives the true driving factor? Too many questions, so little time.
I was looking at the cracked hardwood floor that sported a few ash stains in front of me. Twilight did have a point, but some things just aren’t meant to be, right? That’s what I keep telling myself at least.
My eyes darted from side to side, trying to make sense of the situation. I could either confess to them, or run away. Yeah, running away, that seemed like a good option. I won’t hurt them anymore, and I don’t have to confess, everyone wins! Right?
“Damien…please I know this is hard for you, but...you have to!” Twilight pleaded. “You have to at least try!”
No, no one wins.
The world still hurts, things still die and there is one less thing to love. Worst of all, the guilt I’d feel would likely tear me apart. They’re too special.
I took a deep breath and pried my eyes up and away from the floor to face my POW interrogators.
“Alright, you want to know this badly huh? That’d you guilt trip me on Chri-Hearth’s Warming Eve.” I said slowly. Their unwavering expressions destroyed the last of my hope of getting out of this.
My breaths were shaky and my heart was pounding. This was really happening now, wasn’t it? Oh god. Not even a ghillie suit could hide me from this. Sighing, I resigned myself to my fate and opened my mouth.
“Back in my own world...” I started.
Ringing was all I could hear as I slowly came to, the events of the previous night flooding back into my pounding head. Ugh, what happened?
I got an answer rather quickly as I heard a high pitched hissing sound to my left and then a huge explosion. That boom brought me to and I leapt as quickly as I could to my feet, ignoring the pain of broken bones.
Taking in my surroundings, low sunlight was pouring in from a huge gaping hole in the base’s wall near some knocked over and burning beds. The morning chill from the Iraqi desert finally registered in my head and instinctively I tried to retreat farther back into the base but ended up tripping on something squishy.
Finally looking down, I froze. No. No. It can’t be.
Tentatively, I got down onto my knees and inspected my fallen comrade. Reaching my hand down the body’s shirt, I ripped off its dog tags. Yep, it was Taylor alright. Looks like those terrorists got to him before his dad ever could. Poor guy never even got to meet his daughter.
Sighing, I quietly stood up, ignoring the burning empty beds behind me and tried my best to evaluate the bodies, searching for survivors before going to grab a med-kit from one of the bedside chests that was thrown about haphazardly like the eternal sand of this wretched place.
Quickly, I resumed my search for survivors, now properly equipped to help as best I could. Cold. Cold. Cold. Those RPG rounds didn’t even need to go off, each confirmed casualty was its own explosion inside my heart. Warm. Breathing. Pulse fast, bleeding in several areas including lower back and chest area. I tried signaling to a medic but if the gunfire was any indication, they were preoccupied.
Loud and frantic footsteps sounded off from other rooms on the other side of the complex. They were here! We’re saved. I got ready to call out for a medic, but I my heart stopped and my blood ran cold when I heard a sound that was all too familiar to an active duty soldier.
“انہیں تلاش کریں!”
Find them.
I may not speak Urdu, but those words were one of the only things that I knew in Urdu for all the wrong reasons. My breathing became frantic, but I was paused by a light shaking of my forearm.
Putting my attention back towards my dying comrade, her eyes were now open and her breaths were now short and sporadic. She opened her mouth to speak, only to cough up blood instead.
“Go.” She insisted. Policy was to leave no man behind and I was sure as hell not going to disobey that. Right?
“If they catch you, you’ll suffer the same fate as me. You’re not equipped well enough to deal with this anyway.” Her hoarse voice reminded me of my duty as I got to work stopping the bleeding and cleaning her wounds.
She tried her best to shake me off, but to no avail. My tears wouldn’t let her. I can’t leave her. I won’t. Taking a shaky breath I pressed on, trying my best to ignore the ever looming presence of the approaching terrorists. Oh god, they’re coming. They’re coming!
The pressure of the current situation once again dawned on me and I stood up, trying to drag her helpless body out the gaping hole in the wall and past the echoing dunes that still housed the screams of dead soldiers and back into friendly hands.
She used the last of her strength to push herself away from my already frail hands and fall back onto the floor, her head half hanging off onto the sand.
“Go!” She insisted. “NOW!” My resolve came crumbling down as I slowly and painfully backed away from her helpless form. My pace quickened as I heard the shouting and footsteps in the room next door.
Waving her hand one last time, she winked and pulled out a pistol from her boot, propping her head up on some debris from the wall. She was going to hold them off. Hopefully she’d save one for herself. I tripped over my now broken leg.
Running away, I saw some marines enter a building about a quarter of a klick East. That was my salvation. Once I made it, I could pass out and let my life fall into the hands of others.
My salvation never came.
What never came was replaced with a high pitched hissing sounds and a long cylindrical smoke emitter hurtling right at my face, and all I knew was nothing.
Sometimes my hallucinations were very vivid, but the morning chill of the Iraqi desert that I nearly felt was only helped by the lack of a heating system in my mess of a house. It was then that my ears picked up the seemingly new crackling and my eyes picked up the seemingly new flickering in the room. Where did it come from? It didn’t matter, the cold still got to me. My blurry vision was slowly coming back to me as I tried my best to analyze the faces of the four alicorns sitting before me. Right, that’s why I was recalling the worst moment of my life. Because of them.
Celestia had a look of pure shock on her face, a hoof in front of her muzzle as she stared at me. That rainbow flowing mane of hers and the warm and loving aura she constantly emitted was momentarily plunged into oblivion by the contents of my story. Even that Santa hat that sat behind her horn seemed down.
Luna had a little bit more self control in her expression, but not by much. Her ethereal mane was almost silenced and the melancholy in her dark blue eyes told me a similar story to my own. She had apparently removed her hat during the course of my story and had rested it against her beating heart, which revealed her little ears pinned back. She shifted around uncomfortably under my gaze but I turned my attention elsewhere before she could speak. I don’t need her sympathy.
But sympathy seemed to be even more of a problem with Cadence. Cadence was worse than her aunts. Tears welling up her in light magenta eyes told of a shattered thing being brought into the light. She too had removed her festivity that once covered her horn, but this time it had been placed next to her. She too shifted uncomfortably under my meaningless eyes but opted for no further action. Smart mare.
The very-smart-but-also-not-smart-mare named Twinkle Sprinkle was undoubtedly the worst of them all. The sympathy that I vehemently despised seemed dominant in her being, whether that be from her dark magenta eyes or body language. Tears had long since spilled and left stains on her once pristine lavender fur that covered her body. Her bottom lip was quivering slightly but she was able to hold on. Strong mare.
It seems like their capacity had been shaken a tad.
“So, that’s the story of my desertion and what happened before I got here. Any questions?” I said carelessly? The atmosphere did not change however before Luna’s hoof went up.
“Yes, Luna?”
“It wasn’t your fault.” Wrong. I knew it was wrong. God did. But then why did she say it so matter of fact-ly?
“No, Princess I can assure you tha-”
“Damien, now it is my, our, turn to speak.” She said while gesturing to her fellow a Princesses around her. Idiots. They can’t combat this. 10 years of prior combat experience couldn’t combat it!
A dangerously shaky deep breath drew my eyes back towards the four ponies before me. “Damien,” Luna began, “finally you have revealed yourself to us after all this time. But now that you have done so, you need to face it.” Her pleasing eyes gave me slight pause, but my resolve held up. For now.
“But-” I began. Luna stopped me, her once soft tone getting a bit more passionate.
“But nothing. There is no retracting what you said, it is said and it is done! Now let us help you! You have done nothing wrong!” With that, she lunged forward slightly and before Celestia’s hoof could make contact with her, her front hooves opened up and enveloped me in a loving embrace. Well, this is one way to melt the ice.
Luna’s soft, warm fur filled me with a tingling sensation as it pricked me through the holes in my shirt. Whether or not it was a tickling fur or a loving fur, I’ll never know. No one will. The beating of her heart against my own helped to put me at ease and finally anchored myself. The crackling of the fire behind me became more apparent, as did it’s...warmth. I took a deep breath and shivered. It seems that I had gotten used to the ice. Shame. Her warm breath against my neck only served to further warm me. I guess...I did need this. When her breaths became slightly irregular, I was alerted by my ears to her light sniffling.
Before Luna could dare pull away, I slowly wrapped my arms around her back and felt my way around it, savoring the feeling of her soft fur against my fingers and palms. A foreign liquid then made its way into my eye. Moving my hand away from her back for a slight moment, I touched my eye, and the liquid gave itself freedom as it fell from my eye and onto Luna’s back, soliciting a slight gasp or two from around me. I brought my finger to my eyes to examine the intrusive liquid and stopped when it entered my vision.
A...tear?
I was stunned, since when did I have that ability?
“It wasn’t your fault” Luna repeated quietly, and that broke the dam. Slowly but surely more...tears made their way into my eyes and down onto the floor and Luna’s back. For the third time tonight, she said it and for the third time tonight I was broken.
The sounds of shuffling in front of me still couldn’t get my eyes to open as a blanket of fur was was draped across my back, on all sides. Seemed a little constricting but still warmed me all the while.
“Just let it all out.” Whispered Twilight. I would’ve gone for no words, Twilight, but whatever. So I chuckled a little, and so did Twilight. It seems like I still had a foundation, though. Chuckles turned into laughter which escalated into an outburst of joy so large that it toppled our pile of limbs down onto the now blanketed hardwood floor. When did that happen?
Eventually, sanity did return to us and we all calmed down. Chests rose and fell with a distinct rhythm and the fireplace was once again able to be heard, basking us in its warm glow.
“I never thought I’d feel anything again.” I whispered to no one in particular, drawing the attention of Cadence and Luna to my left and Celestia and Twilight on my right. They’re so adorable. Celestia snaked a hoof over to my head and cupped my cheek.
“I’m glad we could make it a reality for you. Living the way you were, that’s no way to enjoy life.” I smiled at that, before frowning. Curiously, Celestia used to hoof to make me face her before I opened her mouth.
“I’m really thankful for what you guys have done for me, more than I could ever express but, what do you think she’d say if she could see me now?” I asked, still a little concerned.
“It’s hard to say,” Celestia began. “There’s a thousand different things she could say, but in the end it doesn’t matter. I may not have known her but what’s done is done, and we have to accept that and try our best to move on.
Death and guilt are both extremely important in life, but they didn’t rule yours the way they should. Guilt should be the reason a filly glues back together a vase or a friend repays another friend’s kindness. Death, on the other hoof, allows us to appreciate life for what it is, not want to throw it all away. Maybe some more cuddling can help to ease you?” I nodded in response, and they all resumed their prior positions on either side of me and continued to embrace me.
Huh, odd. Why would my brain come up with that sort of question? Hm, I guess I could shoot.
“Twilight?” I asked to get her attention and saw a pair of ears flick up in my peripherals. “Do you love me?”
She sat up instantly and locked eyes with me, blushing all the while. I heard shifting around behind me but I disregarded it for now.
“U-uh, in w-what w-way?” She stammered. This was adorable, but I can’t torture her for long, let’s see where this goes.
“Start with a yes or no and just explain.” I said. She calmed down from the surprise and began to speak, her breathing coming down to a normal pace now.
“Well, I could never love you romantically,” She started.
“So you’re indifferent to me then?” I cut off.
“No, you’re my great friend and I wouldn’t trade you for any other. Seeing you like the way you were pained me in a way I cannot describe and I felt compelled to help you any way I could. I guess the love I felt for you as your friend is what brought me here.” She stated rather frantically, almost like a ramble. “Sorry for rambling,” she confirmed, earning wider smiles from us all.
“I agree,” Cadence added on, sitting up as well. “Loss may make us hurt and appreciate in a way that no other can, but love can give meaning to somepony’s life. I mean, without love, what is there to do in life?” She asked, not really expecting an answer.
“Besides, we have much more important tasks to get back to right now~” Cadence giggled and her and Twilight laid back down in the embrace of us all.
It seemed like all was said and done. Almost. I never expected today to go as it did, but today turned out to be better than I ever thought it could be. It seems that all I needed was a little love and guidance. Cadence yawned, then Luna yawned, then Twilight, then Celestia and finally me. Drowsiness would finally overtake us and this rollercoaster would finally come to an end, for better or for worse. I guess life is too uncertain to ever know for sure, huh?
Before my eyes could completely shut themselves down for the night, I felt compelled in a way. A way to cement these new memories into our consciousnesses forever more.
“You know what? I think I love you guys.”
Author's Note
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays and have a great New Year’s!
