Christmas was coming, and feelings of seasonal harmony hung in the air - unless, of course, you lived in Walford, in which case it was a very good idea to catch the first plane out and not return until after the dust had settled. At a secondary school in Winchester, two Year 7 students were sitting in the cafeteria nursing hot drinks and discussing the upcoming weekend.
“Would it be OK if I stayed over at yours tonight?” Sweetie Belle asked, as she dunked a piece of croissant into her hot chocolate, “It’s just that Rarity’s hosting another slumber party tonight, and-”
“-once again, you weren’t invited?” Scootaloo finished, taking a bite from a bacon roll. “I’ll give Aunt Lofty a ring at lunchtime and let you know. To be honest," she continued, "You really should talk to her about this. She doesn't seem to be spending much time with you at the moment and it's the same with me and Rainbow Dash-"
"-AJ’s been guilty of that, too,” Apple Bloom sighed as she joined them with a sausage baguette.
“And it’s been like this ever since Sunset was redeemed,” Scootaloo continued, “So I have a plan.”
She paused for dramatic effect.
“We’ll speak to Sunset about it on Monday and ask her to pass our concerns on,” she continued, as though it was the most obvious thing in the world. “She’ll definitely listen to us, and they’ll definitely listen to her.”
“It definitely sounds familiar, though,” Sweetie Belle said.
“Why?” Apple Bloom asked.
“It’s just like the situation that leads into the plot of the TV special that’s being shown on Sunday,” Sweetie Belle continued, “A group of girls the same age as our sisters have a slumber party and then a social media account starts posting embarrassing secrets.”
"Slumber parties always seem to go wrong in fiction, don't they?" Scootaloo said thoughtfully, "I mean, either a social media account posts embarrassing secrets, or a vengeful spirit starts bumping them off in excessively gory measures because they decided to have it on an Indian burial ground."
“I’m not sure that combination’s been used yet,” Sweetie Belle interjected, “Besides, there aren’t any Indian burial grounds in Britain. They won’t be having it outside anyway, Rarity likes her creature comforts too much and it’s the middle of December.”
“OK, maybe not on an Indian burial ground,” Scootaloo conceded, “But Aunt Holiday used to work at a DVD store when she was in sixth form and she told me that there were a lot of “slumber party massacre” films with actors nobody’s ever heard of in the horror section. Some of them were such brazen rip-offs it was unreal. She mentioned Friday 13th Slumber Party on Elm Street, Hallowe’en Slumber Party, and The Texas Slumber Party Chainsaw Massacre.”
“Going back on topic,” Sweetie Belle said, “It’s not so much being left out as the fact that last time Rarity hosted a slumber party, it ended up turning into an all-night karaoke and I got no sleep whatsoever. I swear you could’ve heard them in Eastleigh.”
“Would it be OK if ah came too?” Apple Bloom asked, “Ah’d normally play video games or watch TV with Big Macintosh in this situation, but he was told last night that he’d be in the first team squad for Winchester City’s match against Bideford on Saturday so he’s turning in early. Ah’ll just go and ask Granny Smith."
She returned a moment later, smiling.
“She said that if you and yer aunts say yes, then it’s fine by her,” she said.
“Excellent,” Scootaloo said, “I’ll Whatsapp my aunts now and let you know what they say.”
Scootaloo’s aunts, despite the short notice, had been more than willing to allow Scootaloo to invite Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom over for the night. The three of them therefore made the trek to Scootaloo's house after school. The school's headteacher, Celestia, had also mentioned the TV special in assembly that afternoon, encouraging students to watch it if possible.
"So, what do you think?" Sweetie Belle asked, as they stopped off at a Premier to buy some sweets.
"How about we watch it, exchange our thoughts on it, then review it?" Scootaloo asked, "Besides, there's that game we're going to review, so we can do that tonight."
"Is that the one about the nameless town?" Apple Bloom asked. Scootaloo nodded.
"Here we are," Scootaloo said, as the three of them sat at her computer. "The Town with No Name, published in 1992 for the Amiga CDTV."
The first impression that they got was that the game had been developed in MS Paint. And, as they very quickly found out, that was only the start.
"OK, who else is thinking of Thomas the Tank Engine?" Scootaloo asked, as the game treated them to a side view of a locomotive pulling two carriages while a knock-off of the theme from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly played.
"Ah am," Apple Bloom replied.
"So am I," Sweetie Belle agreed, "And I may not like spiders, but that's just mean," she continued, as a pair of boots squashed a happy-looking spider.
"Say, Old timer, what place is this?" The owner of the boots, a badly drawn cowboy, asked.
"Don't you know where you are, Sonny?" An old man replied.
"Er, no. That’s why he asked you." Scootaloo said, as a menu popped up with a "boing" sound effect.
"OK, so we can walk into town, speak to the old man, or get back on the train," Scootaloo said.
"Ah say we get outta here while the getting's good," Apple Bloom said.
"If everyone in this town is as unhelpful as that old man is, there's no point in staying, so I concur." Sweetie Belle added.
"So it's anonymous-"
"Unanimous," Sweetie Belle corrected.
"Unanimous then," Scootaloo concluded, clicking on "Get back on the train".
What happened next could not be described in words, but it went like this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m42SqGNyzPk
"O...K, so...that just happened," Scootaloo said.
"I have so many questions," Sweetie Belle added, "Firstly, does he shoot everyone who gets his name wrong? Also, how can a Wild West Train go into space? And thirdly, why does it go into space? Not even Smokey Joe can go that fast.”
“Smokey what now?” Apple Bloom asked.
“A model of a Caledonian Pug with a Scalextric motor,” Sweetie Belle explained, “Dad told me about it when he was working on his model railway.”
"That'd be one way to get the yanks to pipe down about the T1," Scootaloo mused, "I mean, 'yeah, your streamliner can do 140mph? Come back when you build a shunter that can do 190.' Anyway, who's for Euro Truck Simulator 2?"
"At least that one ain't competitive," Apple Bloom said, "Ah'm still reeling from when Applejack spanked me on FIFA. How can having Neymar and Mbappé in the same team be remotely fair?"
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo both snickered, remembering how Sunset had compared it to the infamous World Cup semifinal between Brazil and Germany.
"It's your own fault for choosing Barcelona, I warned you that they were past it," Scootaloo said, "Come to think of it, that's another reason to talk to Sunset. We were invited to that sleepover because she made Applejack invite us. Anyway, here we go. Liverpool to Warsaw, and we'll do it in shifts."
They were interrupted by a knock on the door, even though the door was open.
"Before you go transporting cargo around Northern Europe, what do you want from the Indian?" Lofty asked.
After making their requests (A korma for Sweetie Belle, a Lamb Bhuna for Apple Bloom and a Chicken Tikka Masala for Scootaloo, along with onion bhajis), the three of them proceeded to deliver cargo all over Northern and Eastern Europe, before Scootaloo's aunts showed them the Bishop Brennan episodes of Father Ted. When the curries arrived, Scootaloo told them about the time Rainbow Dash had come round for supper during the World Cup and, motivated either by bravado or the eponymous song, ordered vindaloo and ended up having to knock back six jugs of water in quick succession.
As the casino night set was brought out, Apple Bloom excused herself, pulled out her mobile phone, dialled the number of her sister.
"Whoever this is, you're ruinin' a real heartwarming moment," Applejack said a moment later.
"Sorry, ah'll be sure to develop psychic powers so as to not ruin such moments in future," Apple Bloom snarked, "Granny Smith just wanted me to check up on you."
"Tell her ah'm fine,"Applejack said, "Is that everything?"
"Actually," Apple Bloom said, "There's one more thing. Do the words 'Piggly Wiggly' mean anythin' to ya?"
"Piggly Wiggly?" Applejack racked her brains for a moment. "Nope, 'fraid it don't ring a bell, other than a supermarket I heard about once. Why'd ya ask?"
"It was mentioned on the Facebook page of that special Celestia told us about. I think it's supposed to be an insult."
"Not much of an insult, it don't even make any sense. It'd be like callin' somebody Tesco."
"Ah suppose we'll find out on Sunday," Apple Bloom said. "Have a good night...Piggly Wiggly."
"You too, Tesco." Applejack replied, hanging up just before both parties snorted with laughter.
Sunday came around, and all three were watching the special; Apple Bloom with Applejack, Big Macintosh and Sunset, Sweetie Belle with Rarity, and Scootaloo with her aunts. It started out as a standard Christmas special, right up until the first sleepover.
"So that explains Piggly Wiggly," Applejack said, as one of the characters explained the nickname.
"Something's off about how that one's actin'" Apple Bloom observed a few minutes later during the next scene.
Then came the second sleepover, and the subsequent embarrassing photo.
"Whoever it is is really mean," Sweetie Belle said, "And what proof do they have that it really is their friend?"
"It's a sad fact that jumping to conclusions is human nature," Rarity answered. "Remember the Simpsons episode where Homer was accused of harassment?"
Things got worse for the main suspect as more secrets were leaked and everyone assumed it was her.
"I want to know what the teaching staff are doing," Lofty said, as the students ganged up on the suspect, "And why they haven't caught the culprit."
"Catching the culprit is easier said than done, though," Holiday replied, "This 'Anon-a-Miss' is basically a faceless bully behind a keyboard."
"I'm just glad that Celestia runs the school better than whoever that one's head is," Scootaloo said, "If that happened here she'd go ballistic...and Luna would be heard from as far away as Basingstoke. Even Sunset knew that there were limits to what she could get away with."
The culprits eventually confessed, and explained their motive.
In Sweet Apple Acres, Applejack, Apple Bloom and Sunset all exclaimed "Are you KIDDING me?" at exactly the same time, prompting a glare from Big Macintosh. Meanwhile, Scootaloo wasn't impressed either.
"Hang on, hang on, hang on," she said, "Let me see if I got this right. They posted people's private and most embarrassing secrets, tore their school apart and framed one of their sisters' friends for it, all because they didn't get invited to a bloody sleepover. Hmm, that's actually a good idea...if you ignore the fact that it's the stupidest idea ever! I mean, when we felt we were in a similar position, we decided to talk to Sunset about it! It's not rocket science!" She paused.
"And then, they get off with a slap on the wrist…"
Monday saw the three meet again in the cafeteria, and shared their thoughts on what they'd watched.
"Ah just couldn't feel any sympathy for them," Apple Bloom said, "Not after what they did."
"I watched it with Rarity and we talked about it afterwards," Sweetie Belle agreed, "She said that what they posted couldn't just be forgotten."
"Personally, I feel that they got off far too easily," Scootaloo said, "I'd have grounded them, put their phones in a blender and taken away their Christmas presents."
"I think that's a bit much," said a voice. All three of them looked around to see Celestia.
"Maybe, but even six months detention seems like peanuts." Scootaloo replied.
"Well," Celestia said, "First of all, I'd be extremely disappointed in them for doing something like that. I'd have suspended them for two weeks, and given them detention for at least the first half of next term. On top of that, they wouldn't be allowed to use the school computers unless under supervision, and I'd likely have to make an example of the first person to take the law into their own hands." She paused. "In fact, making them confess to the school would be a viable option - if only to tell the school that reprisals would not be tolerated. I'd even consider cancelling school events if I had to."
She paused again.
"Although, you're welcome to share your views in assembly this afternoon. Come and see me at lunchtime if you're interested."
“Thanks for the offer,” Sweetie Belle said, “But we’re going to work on a review of it and we’ll look to have it ready in the New Year.”
“I look forward to seeing it.” Celestia said, before refilling her mug and heading back to the office, hoping that this year Cranky Doodle would get the message and she wouldn’t have to “persuade” him to take his foot off the gas.
The Apple Family Christmas Party was in full swing as everyone enjoyed various nibbles, canapes and Granny Smith’s mulled cider. Over in a corner, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were talking to Sunset and Applejack.
“Sorry we couldn’t invite you to the last one, sugarcubes,” Applejack said, “It was sort of a spur-of-the-moment thing. But we’ll try to invite you to more in the new year, Sunset’s insisted on it. At least you didn’t-”
“-make Scrooge look like Father Christmas?” Scootaloo said. “Those three in the special should have done what we did and organise our own. We’ll start working on our review of it after Christmas.”
The sound of Slade's Merry Christmas Everybody suddenly came over the loudspeakers, and Sweetie Belle raced off to drag Button Mash to the dancefloor. The other four laughed as everyone else proceeded to give the two of them a very wide berth.
It was a very merry party, and it would be a merry Christmas for all concerned. The holiday special, for what it was worth, would largely be forgotten albeit for an upload onto YouTube where virtually every comment complained about how it had more holes in it than a teabag.
Author's Note
I think this might be the first Anon-A-Miss fic where the events are an in-universe work of fiction.
The line about Walford is a reference to how Eastenders Christmas storylines are usually miserable and full of disaster. This was even parodied in the 2006 Doctor Who Christmas special, where he equates “Nothing can possibly go wrong” with “This is going to be the best Christmas Walford’s ever had” for tempting fate.
With regards to Big Macintosh being in the Winchester City squad, the club’s manager, since taking charge in 2017, has focused on bringing youth into the side.
Premier is a Tesco-owned chain of convenience stores found throughout the UK.
The scene where the Crusaders (briefly) play The Town With No Name is inspired by The Crusaders Read… by The Blue EM2. “Smokey Joe” was a real Hornby model, which did have a Scalextric motor in it, thus making it impossibly fast. Caledonia Works replicated this in TS2020 with their Caledonian 264 Class, where Smokey Joe features as the “Super Pug” capable of speeds in excess of 200 miles an hour.
Scootaloo’s rant references Bitter Tears, as do the punishments she proposes. Celestia’s suggestion references Holiday Outrage, Myriad Thoughts and Dainn’s Anon-A-Miss. As for the simplistic description of the special - virtually everyone knows it. It’s like the ending of Titanic.
And finally, Merry Christmas, everyone.
