“I didn’t ask for this, I didn’t want this to happen. There was so much I was looking forward to, so many things I’ll never be able to do now. I’ve tried so hard to do what’s right, but now? I don’t even know what right is, and it’s all because of you. You did this to me, YOU PUT BUTTER ON MY POPCORN!”
Jonathan “Jontron” Jafari stood at the concessions counter of the Broadway Theater, staring into the glazed eyes of a pimply teenage cashier. As soon as the news of a Birdemic: Broadway show reached his ears he knew what he had to do, and after he did that, he figured he’d go see this terribad titan turned musical, if only to see how unfathomably terrible it was. He, and his bird Jacques were, as far as he knew, the only two people to buy tickets to the show, but that didn’t faze him, to him it just meant he’d get the best seats. The critics who had reviewed the production described it as, “unfathomably earnest” and “the worst thing ever, unfortunately I am not allowed to give a show negative stars, because if I could this show would receive around a negative five-hundred and two.” That didn’t matter to Jon though, he had to see it for himself, and he needed to feel the terrible in person. At the moment however the only thing that concerned him was his popcorn.
The cashier behind the counter, who was clearly close to falling asleep gave Jon an irritated look, and said, “Sir, as our policy clearly states, all purchases are final, if you want popcorn without butter you’ll just have to buy another bag.”
“No,” Jon replied, “When my great uncle Baltizar first came to America he had a dream. He dreamt that all men would receive popcorn to their liking on the first try, not the second nor the third, the first! Doing this has disgraced not only me, but my family and my bird and that sir, is unacceptable.”
Sighing, the cashier responded, “Sir, if you don’t either buy another bag or move along I’m going to have to call security, are we clear?”
“Oh,” said Jon, knowing he was bested, “okay. I’ll just be going then s’not like I need popcorn.”
Walking away, Jon’s feathered automaton Jacques muttered, “Wow, Jon that was pretty pathetic.”
“Well I didn’t see you trying to help me, Jacques.” Jon replied.
Entering the theatre Jon saw that it was packed- with seats- that would’ve had people in them if the show was worth watching. Choosing his seat carefully Jon sat, cyber bird on his shoulder, and awaited the beginning of what was likely to be the best worst musical ever, of all time.
Ten minutes passed and the stage sprung to life, the curtains flung open and the show began. The first song was titled “she’s my hot Ferrari” and was easily the dullest, most wooden song ever written, however Jon couldn’t help but smile at its absurdity. The first song lasted three minutes and was followed by a tune about bird acid. It was around this time that Jon began feeling strange, he felt as if a pressure was building inside his chest. Although it was odd he chose to ignore it and continue soaking in the terrible musical. After another five minutes and a song titled “Coat hangers and Ospreys” the feeling intensified and Jon couldn’t help but feel concerned.
“Hey Jacques,” he said to his bird, “you uh, feeling anything weird goin’ on? Like you’re gonna explode?”
“Don’t be ridiculous Jon why would I feel-”
Before Jacques could finish his sentence however both he and john where engulfed in a blast of pure terribleness and popcorn kernels that sent the duo hurdling into a void of blackness.
When Jon regained consciousness he saw nothing but blinding whiteness, and although he didn’t want to believe it he knew in his colon what had happened.
“What’s going on? Am I dead? Jacques? Are you there buddy?” he shouted into the whiteness.
“I’m here Jon.” Replied Jacques disembodied voice.
“Jacques, I-I just want you to know, I was the one who ate the last pudding cup, And I blamed it on Rockington. I’m so sorry man.” Jon sobbed
“WHAT?! You piece of shit, you said you don’t even like the pudding! Imma kill you when we stop being dead.”
“Hey Jacques, if were dead, where are we? Is this heaven? If it is, I gotta admit, kind of a letdown.”
As if on cue a large, wooden ornate door materialized in front of Jon.
“Hey Jacques, you seein’ this?”
“Yes, Jon perhaps we should go through it.”
“Oh, thas’ just brilliant, I never would have thought of THAT Jacques I was just gonna look at it for a while, maybe ask it to dinner or something- WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?OF CORSE WE SHOULD GO THROUGH IT!”
“Carful with the temper Jon, or else Jacques’s gonna have to smack a bitch.”
Jon and Jacque opened the door to see a clean blue sky, nearly void of clouds. Jon stepped through the door and onto nothingness.
“SHIT! Jacques, a little help here?!” Jon screamed falling towards the earth.
“Only if you promise not to touch my pudding cups again.” Said Jacques
“Okay, now help me dammit!”
“Say it like you mean it.” Jacques said, not at all concerned with the wellbeing of his friend.
“I promise never to eat your pudding cups! Now help me!” Jon cried, the earth coming ever closer.
“Alrighty then Jon, I’ll help you.” Said Jacques, flying to Jon and grabbing him inches from the ground.
Jacques dropped Jon softly onto the ground and took his usual spot on Jon’s shoulder.
“Where are we?” said Jon.
“My sensors indicate we are in a universe alternate from our own.” Replied Jacques.
“Well yeah, obviously that makes sense-WHAT!?” Jon screamed back to his bird.
“We appear to have ripped a hole in the universe by watching the Birdemic: Musical.” Jacques added.
“Are you sure? This place doesn’t look so different. ‘S got plants and trees and bugs. I- I’m pretty sure we’re in the same place.”
“No Jon, We’re in a universe where the dominant race are quadropedal equines.”
“How do you know that? Do you got some kind of life scanner ‘r sumtin’?
“No, it’s just that one of them is looking at us.”
Jacques gestured towards a creature standing in the middle of the dirt trail they were sitting on. The creature was small, around the size of an infant human. Its coat was yellow and its mane was red. It was wearing a large pink bow. Its hazel eyes were enormous and grew even bigger when it realized that Jon and Jacques had seen it.
“The heck are you lookin’ at?” Jon asked it.
The creature let out a high pitched scream and quickly sprinted away from the duo.
“Mhm, yeah, yep, yeah, that was an enjoyable greeting.” Jon said turning to look at Jacque. “Any more ideas?”
“Perhaps we should follow it.” Said Jacques.
After the less-than-stellar first contact Jon and Jacques decided that following the creature was their best shot at getting home. Standing, Jon surveyed his surroundings. Groves of apple trees, each filled with large red apples were on both sides of the wide dirt trail he was on. In one direction the trees extended for what he could only assume were miles, going well beyond the horizon. In the other direction he saw an old farmhouse. He and Jacques agreed that that was likely where their welcome party had run off to.
“Come on Jon, we need to get moving. I want to go home.” Jacques said
“Now hold on a second, ‘snot every day you get to go to a new universe you know, why uh, why don’t we look around a bit?” replied Jon
“Do I have to remind you what happened the last time you procrastinated from making videos?” Jacques said, looking at jon.
“You don’t mean-”
“Yes Jon, the war.”
Images of a darker time flooded Jon’s mind, he recalled the war, the war that began when he took a break from releasing videos without warning. The war that claimed so many lives on his behalf.
“I-I can still hear the screaming, Jacques I can still hear them, they’re inside my head Jacques. I tried to save them; you gotta believe me, but the fires…”
“It’s okay Jon, calm down, we can stop that from happening again, but we need to hurry.”
“You’re right Jacques; I can’t let that happen, not again, not ever again.” Said Jon
And so the duo hurried to the farm house desperate for answers to how they arrived, and more importantly, a way home.
After walking for a while something caught Jon’s eye. In the middle of the orchard was a small pink building about the size of a chicken coop. Jon could tell from where he was that something inside it was moving.
“Hey Jacques, you see dat? I think somethin’ is in there.” Jon whispered.
Approaching cautiously, Jon walked to one of the building’s windows and peered inside. The interior of the building was plasters with posters of a blue horse with a rainbow colored mane. In the middle of the small clubhouse sat three small ponies, the one from earlier and two new ones; a white Unicorn with a light purple mane and an orange Pegasus with a violet mane and rather small wings. The yellow one was apparently telling a story about Jon to the other two. From what he could tell the horses could speak English.
“So Jon, what do you see?” Jacques said, perhaps a bit too loudly.
The three ponies turned their heads to Jon, locking eyes with him and staring for a moment, before the yellow one screamed, “THERE IT IS!”
“SHIET!” Jon shouted ducking down below the window. “Do you think they saw us?”
A few moments of silence later the white unicorn stuck its head out from around the far corner of the building.
Staring at Jon it shouted back, presumably to one of its friends, “Hey Applebloom, are you sure this is the alien you saw?”
“yeah.” A voice with a drawl yelled back.
“but you said he had claws,” the white pony continued “And sharp teeth, and red eyes. This thing isn’t so scary.”
“hey, I’m scary.” Said Jon, “tell ‘em Jacques.”
“He’s a pansy, he couldn’t even finish the lion king in one sitting.” Jacques said to the pony.
“y’know Jacques, if you’d just agree with me for once this whole ordeal would go by a lot faster. This is why we need to work on our communication skills, okay? Jus’-jus’ help me out here, please?” Jon said Irritated by Jacques remark. Turning his attention to the pony he added, “Don’t listen to him, he’s a compulsive liar.”
“No I’m not!” Said an outraged Jacques.
“See ‘dat? Unbelievable, why you gotta keep lyin’ like ‘dat Jacques? Is’ not helpin’ your case.”
By now both the orange and yellow ponies were looking at Jon and Jacques, less like children facing a monster and more like a how person looks a crazy homeless man talking to himself.
The orange one spoke next and said, more to her friends then Jon, “Hey, what if we take him to the town? I’m sure anypony would pay to see an alien!”
This bothered Jon, and he spoke up, “You know I have a say in this too, I have rights, this is America, no, no it’s not, where the hell am I anyway, horse world?”
“horse world? You’re in Equestria.” Said the yellow pony.
“Oh,is’- is’ Equestria Jacques, you know, ‘cause is’ full of horses. THAS’ JUST FUCKIN’ BRILLIANT!”
“Are you sure that’s a good Idea Scootaloo?” said the white pony to the orange pony. “He seems kind of… weird.”
“Sweetie Belle’s got a point Scootaloo, maybe we should just start by taking him down to the farm.” The yellow horse said to her friend.
“Alright Applebloom, I guess having the whole town freak out would be a bad thing.” Said Scootaloo.
The three fillies began walking in the direction of the farm and Jon followed. The three were very curious and asked Jon as many questions as possible. From “Where are you from”, to “How does your bird talk” no question went unanswered. They also told Jon about themselves, hi didn’t ask then to; hearing the life stories of three little ponies wasn’t really very high on his priority list, but they did it anyways. They told him how Ponies in their universe receive a mark on their flank when they discover what makes them unique, and how they became friends to find their special talents. They told him they called themselves “the cutie mark crusaders”, and did everything they could to see if they could find their talents. Jon found it odd that they didn’t try to capitalize on one thing they were skilled at and instead did as much random and dangerous shit as possible, but he didn’t point it out. Finally after Jon felt his head would explode if he heard the cutie mark crusaders theme again they reached the farmhouse.
The building was old and the paint was chipping in places, but it was well maintained. Applebloom gestured for Jon to enter.
The inside of the home was dark and But from what Jon could make out it was furnished with what most would call “antiques”.
“Hey, do you think you could turn on a light or somethin”? It’s pretty dark in h-“
“YA’AL STAY AWAY FROM HER!” a voice shouted from behind Jon, and with a sickening crack something hard struck the back of his head. Whatever hit him had hit him hard, and he was unconscious before he hit the ground.
