Author's Note

I'm not going to lie, this chapter took a lot out of me. Portions came from past experience, others I had to reach deep down within to come up from whatever well of [something something something DARK SIDE] that I had in there.

If this chapter does nothing for you, discard it until the last bit. If you get something from this, I hope it brightens your day. Or does something good for you. Anyway, have it!

[Oh wait, maybe I should have proofread this? Ah, screw it.]

Chapter 13) All this? It's a lie...

"Deep into that darkness peering
Long I stood there
Wondering, fearing, doubting..." - Edgar Allen Poe

I kept on walking, smiling to myself and feeling very happy for Spike and Rarity. In essence, they both got what they wanted. Probably more, in the end, but time would tell on that thought. My smile turned melancholy, and my eyes turned to the ground. My pace slowed.

Envy threatened my happiness. The thoughts passing through my mind went by very quickly, and I hated myself for each one of them for how selfish they were.

Well at least they aren't alone.

Why couldn't that have been me?

I gave him what I never had.

And never will.

It went on, but so quickly as though my mind crowded with them, like a mob all speaking in my voice. I hated it. I did something good! Why can't I be happy about it? What was this sudden pang of loneliness? Why can't I be satisfied? What is wrong with me?

-There's always been something wrong with you. It was obvious for years, especially after he left you.

Shut up! I'm over that.

-He walked out the door. Never tried to take you with him. And no matter what they said, you know that you lost his love.

Human love is finite. It can be lost. But it shouldn't be. A father's love shouldn't be lost.

-"Shouldn't" doesn't change the fact. You dream too much.

I dream of not being alone! I dream of having someone in my life who won't leave me!

-But look at your track record. All breakups. All your fault.

They had their own brokenness. I couldn't fix them.

-You hurt each one of them!

And they hurt me! My first girlfriend abused me!

-Tell yourself that.

What am I telling myself? Who are you? Is any of this real? You're a product of my depression. I can't trust you. Go away!

But I had tried that before. Tried to mentally fight off the bad thoughts for years. I pictured myself putting on armor to hold it off, as if my imagination and will could make it better - the armor was broken. I imagined putting up a shield - it shattered. And now here I was, no defenses left. No medication to help filter the chaos. How could this happen so quickly?

And still my mind raged against itself. The thoughts were faster, more insistent, and no logic or reasoning helped. No matter what argument I put forth, the thoughts kept coming. Some horrid person once said that if you tell people a lie enough times they believe it. I believed it. Only a very tiny part screamed in silence that this couldn't be true.

I was a terrible person. Every failure was thrown in my face, every person I'd ever hurt was paraded before me, every goal I'd ever wanted and never accomplished displayed as trophies of my horrid existence. Evidence for why I didn't deserve to live.

In hindsight, it seems so odd to understand. When one is in a bright and joyful place, all of that darkness seems like a dream that happened to another me. But in the midst of it, there was always the dark, and all that was good was the lie. All of it: A Lie . There was no sun, that was a fantasy. The truth has always been this hell. And it will Never Go AWAY.

My mind started thinking of all the people who would have been better off if I had just died. My parents' marriage might have stayed intact. My ex's would never have been wounded. My teachers would never have been disappointed in me. My mother would never have to worry about me.

-And you can't wound them anymore if you died now, they already think your dead. You'll never see them again. Ever. They'll mourn anyway. You have nothing to lose.

Fluttershy would weep. She would care. All of my new friends would care.

-They all have pity on you. You're so pathetic. Did you see how Fluttershy ran away from you? Just the stink of you disgusted her so much. You midnight groper. Perverted loser. Unlovable failure.

No!

NO!

NOOOO!

I collapsed onto my knees. How could this happen? How had I been so blind to how they all despised me? Surely they whispered behind my back. Of course they would leave me too. They all would. But I could leave them first. Leave everything - just walk out to the forest. They'd never find the body, just food for the manticores. Maybe it'd be painless.

I grasped the sides of my head with both hands.

"God, no! It's not true!"

My face burned red with the shame of crying and openly kneeling on the path. My mind wished that no one would see me while at the same time wondering why no one was coming to help me.

Why am I so dependent on the meds? Why can't I be normal?

-You're too weak. You should be able to handle this all on your own

How? HOW GODDAMN IT?!

"ENOUGH! THIS MUST END!"

Where had that come from? I was shocked to my core, as i was sure the voice had been inside my head but I knew I hadn't thought it. I felt a little invaded but so relieved. All around me was silence. Precious, wonderful silence. I sniffed for a second and smiled with a trembling lip. Grateful did not begin to describe how I felt.

"Thank you," I whispered to the empty air. Gathering my wits, I took stock of my surroundings. I was alone on the road, past the outskirts of Ponyville. Fluttershy's cottage was within sight and no one else was around as far as I could see. I sagged with relief and began to truly feel how tired I really was. My legs seemed to shake with every other step; I had to get inside.

For a moment, I contemplated knocking, but then I didn't want to have to explain to Fluttershy where I'd been. I felt unable to make up anything special. When I felt vulnerable I either lied terribly or was compelled to tell the truth. And the thought of lying to Fluttershy also felt somehow more wrong. With that thought, I opened the door as gently as I could and went to the kitchen.

My feet slowing with every step, I knew I needed something to eat or else I'd be useless to anyone the next day. Again, I tried moving as carefully and quietly as I could so that when I opened the fridge and the cabinets I would make almost no noise. I grabbed granola, chips, some salad, and whatever looked reasonably edible and threw it all on a plate. While in the fridge, I decided to inspect this piece of abnormal "technology" and discovered that I could see no electric components that I recognized. There was a strange glittery tingle in the air inside and I got the feeling it must be magical. Was it like Spike said about the restaurant? A cold spell? I shook my head in confusion and went to munch on my unholy conglomeration.
It was an odd mix of terribly bland and somewhat flavorful, but my stomach felt a bit better at having something in it.

It was time to drag myself to my room. No, not my room, the guest room I was allowed to stay. What was mine in this world? The clothes on my back? My mind - ? No, that seemed like it was being taken from me. But then who gave it back? I shook my head. Sleep first. I just needed to sleep.

Leaning against the wall for support, I opened my door and walked to my bed.
*FWUMP!*

Ah, that was better. A face full of fluffy pillow. I haphazardly kicked off my shoes and sighed as everything faded away.

Fwuffy wuffy. Yeeeeaaaahh...

* * *

Where am I?

I'm not awake.

No. Something else. But...where am I?

"THERE IS NO NEED FOR THAT. YOU MAY SIMPLY SPEAK. HERE ALL THOUGHT IS BUT A FORM OF SPEECH."

I turned to see whom had spoken. It was Celestia. No, not at all. But similar. She was a tall alicorn, dazzling in deep blue colors. If ever there was a color of midnight, it was embodied in her. Stars sparkled in her mane, a crown of obsidian was on her brow; dark was her raiment and darkness followed behind her. Yet this was not one of evil, for here was the calm of night, the quiet and mystery of the stars and the beauty of the moon. Her mane and dress shimmered as though in a wind that never was, her features more hidden behind the darkness of her coat, and yet her eyes blazed from her face in a bright contrast. It must be Princess Luna.

Why am I thinking this way?

Princess Luna giggled, the sound echoing in the void in which we stood.

"The barrier between thy thoughts and thy deepest being are weakest here, for you are within the landscape of your dreams. You are thinking more akin to how you have always wanted to, with no worry for the outside world's judgement."

"Dreams? This is a dream?"

"Of a sort. Here nothing has been created. We have taken thee to a place where we can talk in private, without the distraction and confusion of the dream."

"Wait, you mean, like, if I'm in the dream I don't know I'm in the dream?"

"You are well experienced with dreams, we see."

"We?"

"Yes."

"You and who?"

"Whom. And we refer to our royal person."

*facepalm* "Of course."

Luna giggled again. "I am sorry. I have been...out of touch with normal ponies for a very long time. It is easy for us - me - to slip into Olde habits."

"Um, how did you say the 'e' on the end of Olde?"

Luna smiled. "I have...experience."

"I believe you."

"I know. It is almost impossible to lie here, except to yourself."

"Myself?"

"You do it often and it is not really thy fault - erm...your fault.

"You mean my depression."

"This word must mean something different for you than for me."

"Well, did Celestia tell you anything about me?"

"She did inform me in detail of your...disease. I must say that it is, indeed, rare that I encounter it in my subjects in these times. But millennia ago, I remember some ponies who suffered similar things that she described to me. One especially stands out to me: she continually seemed to reel between being incredibly happy and then impossibly sad."

"Sounds like what we call bipolar disorder. There once was a time when I worried that I had that disorder, but my therapist - I mean, the doctor who helped me with this kind of thing - told me that I definitely didn't."

"How did he know? You do seem to have great sadness within you."

"Because according to my descriptions, my therapist said that my high points were other people's normal."

Luna raised an eyebrow. "You seem eager to tell more. Please tell me."

The words burst from my lungs. "If that's normal, then why don't people realize how beautiful life is?! How can they not see the glory of the world we are allowed to live in? We wake up and we can see the sun, we can see trees and grass and animals and-and-and-everything! We love each other, cry with each other, hold together through tragedies and heartbreak; we give ourselves away in the hope that we get something back! And it hurts so much when that love is taken from us! I wish I could scream it to the world, open their eyes and let them see! They were allowed to wake up this morning, and hopefully they have food and a home and someone that loves them! I don't know them, and I love them - because they're human! Or...pony, or dragon, or whatever thinking creatures exist! They are apart of creation and it all sings a song that burns with love. And...and..." I was panting from the exertion, and then wondered how I could be without a body. "...and I wish I could keep that thought in my mind for more than a few minutes. I wish I could...know it. Not just think it. Does that make sense?"

"You crave the ability to know that you are loved and deserving of love."

"Yes! Yes, that's it!"

"To love others unconditionally and be loved in return."

"Yes, free of judgement and without all these walls we've built up to keep other people out because we're afraid of being hurt."

"Those exist here as well: those walls. But they are far fewer among my subjects than those in your mind. I assume others of your world are similar?"

"I think so. Your people, your ponies...they have far less of the problems than my people do. But then again, I've only been here a few days."

"I am sure that my world is not as pure and hallowed as you would believe, but I'll let that be for now. No need to show you all the worst things in Equestria, or how I, myself, once sought to subjugate it to my will."

"Oh. That whole Nightmare Moon thing?"

"Yes. The Wielders of the Elements spoke to you about this?"

"Yes, but they also told me that you aren't anything like that anymore."

"Perhaps, but I have feared that too much of that aspect of myself remains."

"Well, if this is a dream, and I can't lie, then I know I can trust you - because that's what I thought when I first spoke to you. And...you're the one who saved me earlier. Aren't you?"

"Your mind was so bent in upon itself, so mired in false realities, that you were akin to a very deep daydream. It was enough of a gateway for me to enter that 'dream' - of a sort - and temporarily return you to your right mind."

"I don't have the words to say."

"No, you do not, for you would say them in this, of all places."

"So...why am I here?"

"Partly to have this very conversation we are having. Also, to help you sleep. You have no memory of what your dreams were about to become before you found yourself here, but they were dark and torturous. I must ask a question: where did all of this come from?"

"I...have inherited this condition. Some members of my family are prone to it. But mine was triggered by an event, and I can't seem to recover from it. I may be in need of my medicine for the rest of my life. Hang on...you can see into my mind, correct?"

"Much of it is closed to me, for I will not force myself into places I am not invited...unless I deem it necessary for your safety."

"Then...look inside of mine."

"I shall show you what I am seeing, but be warned that much of it will appear as though in a dream. Its interpretation may be something I will ask of you."

"I'll do what I can, I already feel so drained from all this."

"Very well." With that, Luna waved one hand in the air and a shimmering window appeared. The images that appeared behind it were moving incredibly fast - flashes of memories and thoughts that whirred past. A few lingered for a few moments.

A tall man walked out a door, and the door was ominous and gaped wide like a mouth-like abyss. A child stared into it for a long time until it finally closed, and the child disappeared in its shadow.

A woman lying on a bed, the sun moving fast across the window of the room, as though days and weeks were passing in the blink of an eye. A small face peered up with a smile that eventually failed as the woman would not move.

A boy crying as he kneels upon the ground. Broken stained glass lies before him, and he desperately tries to piece it back together. The fragments cut his hands, and the tears pour down even more. Uncaring legs and feet walk past him in the dozens. Some accidentally step and crack the once beautiful glass even more. The boy finally grabs at them and clutches them to his stomach, trying to ignore the blood that runs down his hands.

A young man stands before a burning wreckage. It once was a house, but is clearly split in two. He stares at it for a moment, then turns and walks away. Behind him the two homes that once were one crash down into ashes.

The man is reading in a shop, and the book creates a bubble around him that walls off all sound of the people around him. Occasionally he turns to gaze at all the people with a look of wanting, but finally he turns back and his bubble becomes a corner of the room from which he will not move.

A man laughing with friends at a table, a look of carefree joy upon his face. One by one the other men are tapped on the shoulder by a beautiful woman. Each of them slips a ring upon the women's hands and then get up and never return to the table. Eventually one remains, his head down, refusing to look up.

Eventually, it ends and the window closes. I breath a trembling sigh. The world seems to shake with me. There is a long silence. Thankfully, Luna breaks it.

"I am sorry, Brendon. Yours has not been an easy journey, though few in all worlds have ever had it truly easy. I believe my sister's...prescription for you might indeed be best. But first I have one question: what was that glass the boy was holding?"

"His tiny hopes and dreams." A tear slid down my face.

"I see."

"You mentioned a...what was it?"

Luna drew herself up and smiled gently down on me. "I have a quest for you. It has been arranged that your journey will take you near to a place that, millennia ago, was known as 'The Lovers' Last Fall.' There you will find a cave. Within that cave is a mirror. When you reach it, you and another must look upon each other from either side. There a great truth will be revealed and, I believe, you may find an end to what ails you."

"Really? I mean, really? I'll do it! I will...um...accomplish this quest!"

Luna giggled. "A fitting quest for my newest subject."

"Really? I'm your newest subject?"

"No, not really. Baby Sassafras has just been born nearly an hour ago."

There was a pause. Then we laughed. It broke the tension just right.

"And with that, Brendon, I shall leave you to experience a dream that shall make you smile."

"I'd...like that."

"Would you like to be alone in that dream?"

"Hmmm? What?"

"Well, I know another who would want to share it with you."

"-wha-"

"Perfect. I shall leave you to it then."

Though I tried, no words escaped my mouth. I felt myself falling as Luna gave a tiny wave of goodbye.

* * *

I started up. It had been a wonderful dream! There was someone else there with me...who was it? I pried my brain for something, anything, but all I got were memories of good feelings.

Damn! A great dream and I can't even remember anything about it.

The next thing I realized was that I hadn't woken up in my bed. There was some confused disorientation as I tried to take stock of where I was. The ground was hard and I was leaning up against something else that was hard. My eyes tried to adjust. I felt around me. A hardwood floor and the wall...it moved a little. A door? I had fallen asleep against a door in the hallway?

Oh great! Now I'm sleepwalking again. When was the last time this happened? Oh wait, I wouldn't remember anyway.

I squinted and tried to see where I was when I jerked upright. That was the bathroom door across from me. I had just woken up in front of Fluttershy's room? Maybe that explains the strange smell -

My mind blanked for a moment. The smell. That Smell. What was it? Just like that substance in the kitchen. But so much stronger. And it was coming from under Fluttershy's door. My mind flooded with something I hadn't experienced for a long time: pure bodily desire. No second thoughts crossed my mind. Nothing in my mind held me back - everything was right at this very moment! What else was I to do?

Let's do this! LEROY JENKINS!

I stood up, faced the door, and kicked it in.