Now all the demons look like prophets
And I'm living out every word they speak.

Do you know
What I mean
When I say
I don't want to be alone?

-Jars of Clay

____________________________________________________________________

There we stood, Fluttershy and I, as a gentle breeze ruffled the leaves of the few trees around us. The sun was just past the midday and clouds drifted overhead. One of them passed over the sun and for a few seconds a shadow fell over me. Fluttershy, however, stayed in the sunlight.

Figures.

The silence was getting to me. Maybe it had only been thirty seconds, but I hated every passing moment. What did she want from me? How could I make this torture go away?

"What," I managed, "What do you want me to say?"

"Please," Fluttershy practically whispered, "Just talk to me." She turned her head away with a look of brief frustration, and then turned back to me. "Then can you tell me why you jumped out the window this morning?"

"I...I needed some air."

Great! So we start with a lie, and it's not even a good one. Damn it, I can't think right now!

"Was - was that all? Did ... umm ... did it have anything to do with what ... happened this morning?"

I looked at her blankly, then at the ground, and then I tried to trace blades of grass with my eyes to distract myself. The time seemed to crawl on, but Fluttershy didn't say anything. I looked up and she gave me a very tiny smile, almost as if she was encouraging me.

- She has so much pity for you. You're like a pathetic child standing before their parent.

No, I think maybe she really cares.

- About a boy who comes into her room and then cums all over her bed? Stop fantasizing.

I had to say something.

"Yeah. Kind of."

"It's okay, Brendon."

"No," I blurted out. "No it's not."

Nothing's okay. I'm never okay

- It never was. Never will be.

Shut up! Goddammit, shut up! Leave me alone at this moment, of all moments!

"Brendon," said Fluttershy, and her tone seemed to tighten my chest. "You can tell me what's wrong."

"How are you ... how are you even talking to me?"

"I don't understand."

I fought tooth and nail to keep my voice from breaking. "I was in your room, practically naked! I ... I did ... what I did ... on your sheets. And I k-k-kis ... I touched you. Without ... permission."

"You didn't know what you were doing." Her tone almost made it sound like a question, she didn't really know the truth. She probably wanted me to explain.

Did I know what I was doing?

- Of course you did! You wanted to take her! You wanted to take advantage of her!

No! I ... thought it would be consensual. That somehow she'd be awake and then ... I don't know!

- A teenage boy's fantasy! You're twenty seven! Wake the fuck up!

But I didn't mean for that to happen!

- Doesn't matter! Some part of you wanted it, even if you didn't know. It's still your fault.

Is it? That doesn't make sense!

I shook my head in near desperation.

"But ... I should never have ended up there. There's no excuse for that."

"You said you were sleep walking."

"Well, yeah. I guess."

"Then don't blame yourself so much. I don't."

"What?"

• She's lying! She hates you! She despises you!

"Brendon, I don't know what's going on. I don't understand why you ran away, but I wasn't hurt when I woke up."

-She can't understand you. There's something broken in you. You are Wrong.

Fluttershy looked down for a moment and gave a soft chuckle. "I was a little confused and a bit embarrassed seeing you there, but I wasn't hurt. Now I'm just worried about you. I want to help."

Again, the word was pulled out of me in an instant. "Why?"

This seemed to throw Fluttershy. She looked as if she'd been struck and took half a step backward.

"Be-because I'm your friend, Brendon. I care about you."

- Don't forget what she does! She doesn't see you as a person.

"Am I? I'm not just some...lost animal that you need to care for?"

"What?"

"How can you just care about me? I'm not ... I'm not worth ... "

-Yes. That's it. Keep going. I command it.

"Don't lie to me, Fluttershy! I'm ... I-I-I'm ..." My voice cracked. The tears were so close. "I'm filth! I'm garbage! Get away from me! This never turns out well for me."

"Wh-what doesn't?"

"This! Friendship! Love! An-an-anything!" A sob broke out. "I mess everything up, I-I-I-I - "

"That's not true!" Fluttershy looked on the verge of tears herself.

-Look! You're making her cry! Look at what a "good" friend you are! Leave now before you keep hurting her.

The thought of wounding Fluttershy was worse than I could bear, but I was torn between a desire to leave and a need to stay. Meanwhile, she took a step closer to me. I found myself backed up against a tree.

"L-look," she said, her voice more forceful than I'd heard before. "You made those foals laugh and have fun. That's something you did well." She gave another tiny smile. Any part of me that was still sane clung to that image.

Yeah. I did do that, didn't I?

-No. It was like you said, it was all Pinkie Pie.

But...I wanted that to happen. I helped come up with it.

"Yes," I said as some of the tension in my shoulders went out. "I - I guess I did help with that."

"And," she continued, "You helped me with our meals, and Applejack at the farm. And a bunch of other little things too. I know it may not seem like much, but you did do it."

- So stupid. Those were nothing.

But...it's still evidence that I did something. I mean, I can look at them and say I accomplished something. And I didn't screw that up. There's been a bunch of those. Why can't I remember?

- She's desperate. This is pity as its finest. She feels so sorry for you.

No. No, that's not it. Or that's not all of it.

- Shut up! Listen to me!

Who are you? You sound ... different. Are you really - ?

- Stop thinking! Run away! You're nothing! You're shit! Who could possibly care about -

"And ... and ... " Fluttershy glanced down, her eyes shifting to me briefly. It looked like she was having a hard time getting it out, whatever it was. Her voice became more quiet. "I think you've been doing fine. I mean, I'm glad that you've come to live here. If you want to stay, that is. I feel ... "

My whole world seemed to titter on the edge.

- Don't listen to - mmmmmf!

You. Shut. Up. The. Lady. Is. TALKING!

"Go on Fluttershy," I said gently. "Please."

She nodded a thank you, a smile growing on her face. "I like having you here. I know I don't know you very well, but I would ... I would really like to. But you look like you're in pain and I - " Her lip quivered. "I want to help you. Please. You can talk to me."

My heart wanted to pour everything out, but I couldn't think of where to begin. I was overwhelmed with emotion.

"I - I - I - I - ulp." I broke down. I sobbed, and with each sob I tried to stop it and keep the next one at bay. "I'm ... too ... broken, I - "

Through the blur of tears, I barely saw Fluttershy move. Suddenly I was wrapped in a soft embrace and all my defenses crumbled. I couldn't even lift my arms as I sobbed onto her shoulder. She patted my back gently and kept whispering, "It's okay," into my ear over and over again. We just stood there. Eventually I moved my own hands up and gripped her tightly, not wanting this moment to end. I started mimicking her words in my head.

I'm okay. I'm okay. I am okay. I will be okay. It's okay.

- Stop this.

Get out.

- That's never worked before.

I'm okay.

Laughter rang out in the background of my thoughts. It was more disturbing than if there had been words. I had to keep the silence away, otherwise it would be filled. And I couldn't stand what would fill it.

"Fl-fluttershy," I stammered, my voice a little rough from the cry. "Can we, um, can we walk? Can we go somewhere?"

"Sure."

We pulled back a little, our arms still around each other. I looked her in the face and stared, trying to understand what I was seeing.

She cares about me. She really wants to get to know me. She doesn't hate me. Why does this seem so new? What is wrong with me?

-You just see the truth about yourself. She can't see it.

How did I forget that I don't have any meds? I'm completely without them.

-Shut up! Listen to Me!

Something's wrong. You don't talk about yourself. You're supposed to be me. What are you?

Suddenly, in the span of a few seconds, a lot of things clicked together in my brain. I had taken reality for granted, and that I could even think clearly. Without my meds I had no clarity and I forgot what it was like to have them in my system. I began to see that I was so far off that I couldn't trust myself. At all.

The next realization was on the the other voice in my head. It had always been me or, as I called it, the Depression. But I knew it wasn't really a separate person , it was just a part of me. But today was different. I actually had someone, or something, locked inside my skull with me. Perhaps someone else would have panicked, or been horrified, but I smiled.

It wasn't me! It had a form. It was some kind of "other." And that meant, as I perceived in that moment, that I could fight it. It was a real adversary. At last!

All of this came together as I kept looking at Fluttershy.

"B-Brendon, what is it?"

"Huh? Oh, I was just thinking: things might not be really all that bad."

Her smile lit up her face. "I'm glad. Come on," she gave me a little peck on the cheek, gripped my hand in hers, and began leading me toward Ponyville. "I'm a little hungry."

I found I couldn't speak. I couldn't think of...anything at all. My other hand went to my cheek. My lips pressed together so hard they hurt. And for some reason it seemed familiar, like a walk in the woods.

A tiny, almost indistinguishable squeal could be heard.

"Was that you?" asked Fluttershy, turning to me.

"Hmmm? Oh. No. Eh-heh!"

"Oh. Your ears are really red."

"Yeah. It always starts at the ears. Works its way in."

"What does?"

"N-nothing! Sure is beautiful today!"

"Yes," she replied, turning away to the view that lay before us. "It really is."

She didn't see the blush cover the rest of my face. It practically burned.

* * *

The hospital room was still filled with silence. Twilight Sparkle's face seemed at peace as her eyes remained closed. She shifted slightly, turning on her side. A small muffled sound came from her lips, a cross between a sigh and what might have been garbled words. The two other figures in the room looked on with hopeful apprehension.

"That's been happening more and more, Princess Celestia."

"I assume that is a good sign?"

"Oh yes, indeed. It's only a matter of time before she's finally awake."

"That is even better than I'd hoped. Will she make a full recovery?"

"Well, we won't know until she wakes up. Her body may be extremely weak, and we still don't know what other tolls it's taken on her body or her, umm..."

"Her mind. Yes. And perhaps her magic. Thank you, Nurse Sweetheart. You've been most helpful and I am especially grateful for your care of my best student."

"You-you're welcome, Princess. I only wish I could give you more concrete answers."

"It is better you tell me the truth. You are doing a fine job."

"Thank you, Princess. I'll give you some time alone."

Celestia nodded. After the nurse had gone, she stepped forward and leaned close to Twilight. She turned around quickly, as though she feared someone else was in the room. Turning back she leaned even closer.

"Please wake up, Twilight," she whispered. Her eyes darted around even now, searching for something - anything - that might be unseen. "I fear we may need you sooner than I'd like. The Elements of Harmony will be needed, and without you they will not be complete. Something dark is stirring and it has affected my sister. Perhaps, infected is a better word. Please, Twilight. We need you."

Slowly Celestia turned to go. She looked back at the sleeping pony one last time before closing the door.

"Please."

* * *

I was quiet on our walk into Ponyville, and even as I said hello to our waiter at the Cafe Hey, my mind was somewhere else. All of the events leading up til now, the words shared, the small moments, the hints, the cues, the dreams, the realizations - I attempted to grasp all of that through the terrible, dark-tinted lens through which I saw the world. And even then I couldn't help but see part of what had been going on. Through the darkness, a tiny stream of light seemed to shine through. It was filled with hope. I took a deep breath.

"What do you want to order, Brendon?"

"Huh? What? Oh, uh. Right. Food." I finally looked at the menu I'd been staring right through, trying to find something my human digestion could contain.

Fluttershy gave a soft giggle. "You'll have to forgive him, he's had a bit of a day."

I smiled nervously, and picked a salad topped with apples and nuts. Sounded pretty good. The waiter took our menus and went to bring our drinks.

Fluttershy smiled at me and I saw one ear flicking back and forth a bit. I took that she was still worried but trying not to show it. Maybe I was getting these tells down a bit better. Or I was completely wrong.

"Brendon," she said, her tone soft, "You don't have to, but if there's something more you want to say about, well, before, I'd love to hear it."

Don't beat about the bush. Just say it. Don't drag this out. You can't dance around this forever.

I took a deep breath. And then I proceeded to sit there, paralyzed, staring at the table and shaking like a leaf. The words were right there in my head! I could say them and then it'd be all over. What did I risk? Honestly? But fear kept those words locked in my mouth. A nagging pain told me that I was biting my lower lip so hard that I would soon cut the skin. Glancing at my left hand, I saw the knuckles were white. I hadn't even realized I was making a fist. Finally, I glanced up at Fluttershy and from her expression I must have appeared like I was having an attack of some kind.

"Are-are you okay?"

I turned my head and noticed other patrons were glancing at me. Sweat beaded on my forehead.

"Fluttershy," I said through gritted teeth. "I - I need to ... tell you ... something."

"Y-yes?" I couldn't read her expression at all.

"But...it's really ... difficult."

"Is - is there anything I can do to help?"

Vibrating, I contemplated this in silence.

"Ask me something?"

"Um... like what?"

"How I feel about ..." I couldn't get the last words out.

"...about what?"

My eyes pleaded.

"Ask me...please."

Fluttershy looked flabbergasted and I saw her begin to get nervous.

"Okay. Okay. Uh, Brendon? How do you feel about...Ponyville?"

"It's great!" I said, the words coming out so quick it was like gasp for air. "Everyone is so nice, here. I - I - I would love to get to know more of it."

"But...that wasn't the thing I was supposed to ask you, was it?"

A strained smile crossed my features. "No. But thank you."

"Oh. Okay. Um, how do you feel about ... yourself?"

"I - I - I don't know. Lately it's been so hard for me."

"Can ... can you tell me a little more? I mean, if you can?"

This wasn't supposed to go this way.

"Well, back where I come from, there's a saying: 'Love thy neighbor as thou lovest thyself.' It, um, it means we should care about everyone else just as much as we care about ourselves."

"Oh," she smiled at this turn of the conversation, and I felt some tension leave me as I had an excuse to talk about something else. "That's wonderful!"

"It is. I have a problem with it. But it's not loving others as much as myself. I would never, ever do that. For me, it's harder to love myself as much as I love my neighbor."

"Oooh, Brendon," cooed Fluttershy. "I'm sorry. Why are you so ... so down on yourself?"

"I didn't want to tell you. It's why, before, I told you I was broken, because I am."

"What do you mean?"

I then proceeded to gently tell Fluttershy some of what I had told Princess Celestia. I had a depression. I'd had it for years and would probably have it the rest of my life. In Equestria I had no access to my medications and I had been getting much worse. My mind was now so far from reality that I couldn't see myself clearly at all, and all I saw was a horrible person who didn't deserve to live in this nice place with such kindness as I had been shown. I felt I was a taint on this place and anyone around me.

"B-but, you are not!" Fluttershy emphasized her words as she stood up, her hands hitting the table. "You are not a bad person!" Suddenly she looked around and noticed everyone staring at her. Smiling coyly she sat down as our waiter came up, bringing us our drinks. Apparently I had ordered a tea and a glass of water without thinking.

"You...you're probably not wrong. But I have such a hard time believing it right now. It's kind of related to what I wanted to talk to you about." Once again I stared at the table, but much of my previous tension was gone.

"Brendon, what do you - ?"

"I like you, Fluttershy."

She gasped, her hand going straight to her mouth. Every hair on her body seemed to have stood up for a split second. Inwardly , part of me cheered that I could actually have that affect on a female - regardless of race or species. Her face began to match the pink of her mane.

"Y-y-you... oh my."

"Yeah. I, uh, I like you." It took so much effort to look her in the eyes. I desperately wanted to look away and tell her everything else without staring into those eyes. But I had to face this, I had to be brave. For once.

"You've been a good friend to me here in Equestria. I can't even begin to understand why you have tried so hard to help me, giving me a place to stay, helping me around town, even throwing a party for me. But the fact that you've stuck with me today ... I mean, I'd have given up on me already. Maybe that's me, but I've been hurt...so much. One day, maybe, I'll tell you about some of that but, well...it's what makes this really hard to say."

Don't cry. Don't cry.

"I know you probably like me too - Don't say anything! Please, not yet! But, as much as I'd like to see where this might go, I can't - can't - can't -" I clenched my fist under the table. "- I'm scared this is all too easy! I might hurt you or something worse might happen, I'm a bag of problems. I mean, I've known you three days, this is crazy that I have these feelings for you!"

Or you might hurt me! You might leave me! Maybe I am just a wounded animal and you'll lose interest once I'm better!
Maybe you're the first female to come along and I'm just infatuated! You're smoking hot and to me you're an ideal, life can't possibly work this way!

I turned my head away, trying to collect my thoughts, knowing I was screwing this up as I couldn't say what I really wanted to say.

"Wh-what are you saying, Brendon?" Her face looked like I was about to break her heart. But that wasn't what I wanted. Not by far.

I let out a long sigh, closed my eyes, and then breathed in. "I'm saying, and failing miserably," here I tried to give her an awkward smile, "that I'd like to get to know you more before we go there. You're a great mare, from just the little I know of you, but can we, um, can we take this slow?"

The tears in her eyes coupled with her smile somehow made her more beautiful in that moment. She sniffed and nodded. It told me so much more than words.

"Mmm hmm."

My shoulders slackened as even more tension fell away.

"Good. That's...that's good."

I wanted to hold her at that moment, but I knew I couldn't do that. I held out my hand.

Tentatively, she took it.

Immediately we were interrupted by the food arriving, but I found it a great distraction as I dove right in. A stadium of cheers filled my brain. I kept glancing up at Fluttershy, wishing I could read her thoughts.

* * *

Fluttershy was still dazed from the emotional roller coaster she had just gone through as she had listened to Brendon. A few thoughts stood out in that daze. One was simple: "He likes me!"

Coupled with that were feelings that stirred deep within her. Some of those feelings had her a little worried. Did she need more of Zecora's cake? No, those had to be deeper feelings within her. This was unrelated to the cake. A sudden pulse in her nether regions brought a breathless gasp out of her. Maybe it really was more than one thing at a time. She needed to get away soon.

This thought was followed by one that was tinged with fear. Did she really like this man, or was it just her heat? What if he had been right, and he was just some wounded animal to her, someone to care for until they were all better? And added on to all of that was some biological pull she had that cared nothing for who he was as a person? Was he just some object?

As Fluttershy ate her food in near silence, a doubt ate at her in return. At the same time a wave of heat slowly crept into her body, but she would deal with that when it came to it. This gave her another idea.

When the heat passed, really passed, then she would Know the Truth.

Author's Note

You'd think I'd have more time to write, what with this whole problem with Corona (with Lime) wouldn't you? But my current living circumstances actually make this harder to find time to accomplish. Nonetheless, I am finishing this chapter.

(NO, I don't have to hide my little [soon to be] pornographic soap opera with anthropomorphic ponies. Why the HELL would that be the case? Ridiculous!)

But I am still dedicated and NOTHING will keep this from going forward. I hope you enjoy this latest chapter. More to come!