Author's Note

I guess a mild warning can be given for some clop? I wish I could do an author's note at the bottom as well because I really wanted to say something about [REDACTED DUE TO POTENTIAL SPOILERS. THE AUTHOR WAS HORRIBLY BEATEN IN RESPONSE] but I can only say that I originally intended this and the following chapter to be one piece but this scene demanded an ending before the [STOP SPOILING!] happens in the next one.

Happy reading!

Chapter 19) Tricks...

Lost among the quiet dead
Poor, betrayed, with the slain I am
Friend and neighbor put away
What have I done to walk this way?

Darkness is my only companion

-Colonizing the Cosmos

____________________________________________

I'm dreaming. I must be.

Fluttershy didn't so much as walk as flow into the room. My eyes were fixed on hers; all else seemed dim by comparison. I sat up in bed, and wondered at how I could feel such a combination of excitement, delight, and fear at the same time. Did she really want this? Wasn't she in heat? Should I refuse her? I hesitated but this seemed different from before, and then suddenly she was standing at the side of my bed. I looked up, my eyes fixed on hers and I just couldn't look away.

Shouldn't I be able to?

Her hand found the back of my head as she leaned down and kissed me. Her lips seemed to be trying to devour mine, and it wasn't long before she tried to part my lips with her tongue. I closed my eyes and let her in, feeling the elation of being desired and pursued - the dream of a lonely man.

It's like it's for the first time.

I felt her weight on me as she pushed me back on the bed and crawled on top of me. Her body was full against mine. Whatever outfit she was wearing slid against my skin, and everything seemed to be making my nerves scream with sensitivity. As our mouths hungrily sought each other, her body writhed against me. I felt the smootness of her legs rubbing against mine, her hands and fingers in my hair, and the precious softness of her breasts pushing into my chest. My own hands explored her backside, caressing her shoulders and then down beneath her dress to her lower back. Her body responded by pressing even more against me.

I knew where this would lead, where it should lead. My body pulsed with a hunger and desire and soon all of my hindrances would cave; I would not be able to hold myself back -

It's wrong.

• and she felt so good. To my surprise, I felt a hand exploring downward, making its way from my chest to the top of my briefs. I groaned into her mouth as she teased her fingers over my bulge and slowly stroaked through the thin fabric. It was -

When did she get so experienced?

-all so perfect. It's exactly -

I don't want this.

-what I wanted. I wanted to stay like this forever -

"Please," I gasped in between kisses. She took this as pleading and increased her pace. Feeling myself getting too close for comfort, I got my hands under her and gently pushed her up by a few inches. "No, please. This is too fast."

I saw Fluttershy's eyes gazing back at me with sadness and fear. There was a tense moment of silence, and then she quickly got up and sat next to me on the bed. Blinking as I gazed at her backside, I propped myself on my elbows.

"Am I not good enough?" I could hear sadness in that voice. It struck me so deep, and yet so familiar.

"No no, not at all," I said as I sat up and turned to her. She was hunched up with her hands clasped between her knees. She stared straight down without looking up. "But maybe," I said gently, "Maybe we could take it a little slower. You don't have to push yourself for my sake."

"But don't you care about me? Don't you want me? What's...what's wrong with me?"

She was trying to hold back a sob. It broke my heart to hear her make that sound. And to ask such a question: the Dreaded Question, as I will always see it. "What's wrong with me?" Or worse, being asked "What's wrong with you?" Such a question had held me in terror for over half my life. And now, to hear it from her lips. I started to reach out to her, feeling like the lowest human being for hurting such a beautiful mare.

"No! No, please don't say that! There's nothing wrong with you! I'm so sorry! It's just...I mean..."

Then something I couldn't see changed in the room. My eyes roamed everywhere, trying to figure out what. What happened just now? What had been different before? I looked back over. There she was, hunched over, her auburn hair hanging over her face. She was weeping again. I pulled back. I had always hated when she got like this, and of course at a time like this.

"You're just like the others," she shot at me. Accusation in every word.

"What?! Like who?"

"Like Them!" She turned at spat the word at me. Her once beautiful, pale face was contorted with a seething hatred.

What did I do? Damn it, woman!

"You -you...you don't mean like those family members you told me about-"

"Yes! You're just the same!"

"B-b-but they...they molested you, Kelly! They, I mean, you wouldn't even tell me all they did and now you're saying...I mean..."

"All you want is for me to touch you. It feels just the same as when they did it."

"B-b-but you started this! You started on me. You usually do! How can you -"

"You - Are - Just - Like - Them!"

She was right. Even, at that moment, at eighteen, I knew it had to be true. I mean, why else would she say those things? My first girlfriend. And I abused her. I was a monster.

Just like my dad.

I got up and turned away, my face in my hands. All I could do was mumble to myself in incomprehension.

"No. No. No no no no no nononononono. Please no."

My fingernails dug into my hairline and I raked them down my face, wishing I could draw blood with them. I couldn't hurt myself enough. Where was a knife when I wanted one?

But it's never worth that. Once was enough. Never again.

As I pulled my hands from my face, I looked around. There she was, in a chair, facing me. I knew what she'd say before she said it.

"I told you we could never be together."

"But it has to be you!" I pleaded. "You know me better than anyone. I can't see anyone else who could ever..."

"I'm pregnant."

"Lexi? No. No, Lexi you can't be. But...but..."

"It's his. We learned right before New Year's. We already eloped."

"But..."

But I was never there to hear the news. I heard it second hand. She never told me, herself.

Even as the news sunk in, I knew my pain was all my own doing. Of course it was. I had no right to be angry. If I'd never pursued her this wouldn't have happened. We never even kissed. But I had been so sure it was her. Desperate for someone to just love me.

Another broken heart. Another rejection. So familiar.

I tried to stumble away from this, feeling like I could barely stand anymore. But another face greeted me. Then another. I stood in a ring of people. Surrounded. Hemmed in. All whom I had loved and who had rejected me. All of them, my fault. After all, I was the common denominator.

One figure towered over them all. The first one to reject me. The Great Pain all others were connected to, that all would forever remind me, and point towards. The one who first truly told me I wasn't worth it.

"I had to leave you. That house was no good for me. Being there? It was like holding my hand out, waiting for it to get hit by a hammer. It was the best thing for me. That's why I left."

And small, little me couldn't say anything.

But I was part of that house. And you didn't try to take me with you. What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I keep you from leaving? Why am i not lovable? What could I have done better?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?!

-There's always been something wrong with you. Why do you think he hurt you so much and then said it was the best thing? Ripped your family apart and turned from everything he ever taught you? Because you weren't worth keeping. No one could love you.

No. Not again. No. No. This isn't real.

-You'll screw it up again. Let them down. Sabotage yourself. You're never good enough.

Why? What did I do wrong? What can I do to fix this?

-Give up. Die. End it all. Then all the pain will be gone. No more rejection. Everyone will be happier.

No. Please. Why are you doing this to me?

-You're too broken. Too needy. Too weak. Too perverted. Too dependent on others. Too -

"This - isn't - real!"

My scream echoed everywhere. Then, like a light being blown out, everything vanished. All sound ceased. Darkness was everywhere. And I was not alone.

A feeling crept up on me that Something was right behind me. I just knew It was absolutely horrible to look at. If I turned, I would die; ripped to pieces. But the palpable fear of It, like the pulse of a living Thing, grew and grew. Terror laid hold of me and I quailed inside. This Thing would kill me, and It was slowly getting closer. It was right there. It would have me. My only escape was to die before it took me. Give up. Let go. Yes. That was it.

Give up.

Go limp.

Nothing was worth fighting for.

I knew what I was.

I knew I was scum.

Nothing.

I could become nothing.

Yes.

-Just Don't Think About It. There is so much wrong with you.

My eyes opened. I was no longer blind.

You overplayed your hand.

Not sure where I was or what I was doing, I swung my right arm around in an arc behind me. The back of my open hand caught something and I felt it fall away with a grunt.

A female grunt.

I spun around, all fear of the abomination was gone. And there she was. A mare, somehow very familiar. But this one's color was no midnight blue; this was black as obsidian. Light did not simply fall into her, it disappeared without the chance to scream. A helm was on her forehead, and her eyes held a power and a terror in them. Those eyes also looked at me in fear.

As my mind came back to some form of sanity, I tried to make sense of what, or who, I was seeing. This was a dream, and she was in here with me. It couldn't be...

"Luna?"

She shook her head violently.

"I didn't want to! He's making me do this! Please, help me! He'll be in control again -"

-Do not try to act innocent. We both know there's nothing innocent about the Darkness inside you.

The Voice seemed to come from within her, and it was not her. But I knew that voice, though never that strong.

"How? How are you doing this? Why -?"

-Shut up, Child! We've wasted enough time with your delicious pain. Come, my little Nightmare. This isn't over.

Luna's body jerked upwards. Not like a person standing up, but like a doll dragged up by a puppeteer's strings. Her pleading eyes looked at me in desperation.

"I'm sorry," she said, "It's all my fault! Get my sister! Tell her what's happened! We can't let him spread -"

Her mouth forced itself shut as her whole body went rigid. In the darkness, two great eyes appeared. They were terrible in every way I could imagine. They stared through me, belittling me with their pride and the truth of my insignificance.

-See you later, child. Remember, it's only a dream.

Laughter rang in my ears as I sat up in bed, drenched in sweat. For a long time I sat that, my head in my hands, thinking carefully over everything that I'd just dreamt. That...Thing had shown me every major ex-girlfriend I'd ever had, each breakup feeling like a miniature divorce in itself. There were other faces, even bullies from school. And my father. The Thing was trying to drag out some of my worst pains, things I had thought I had dealt with before, but here I had no defenses to counteract them. And how did Luna fit into all of this?

And there was something important I was supposed to do. Something urgent.

What about Fluttershy? Coming off of the unreality of the dream, my mind had to fight off the idea that it had really been Fluttershy. It had been so traumatizing, the thought of hurting her. The thought that I would turn her into one more of my broken relationships was so painful, at that moment, I had to hold back tears. I felt so close to letting her in and grasping onto a Good that I knew was right around the corner. But what if it turned into more pain?

"No. No. It lied. Don't start believing It now."

That helped: saying it out loud with no voice to counteract it. Somehow it made the statement more concrete. I still felt exhausted but I was weary of going to sleep again. I lay on my side, looking at the starlight and moonlight coming in through the window. Small nightly noises filtered in, and I smiled in spite of it all for it still brought back happy memories of a world I'd never see again. I felt an infinite gulf between myself and all people. I began to wonder if another fearful Thing was just around the corner. But this was something I knew I shouldn't fear, and in fact needed. It's name was Vulnerability. Perhaps with it sat its sister, Intimacy.

God, I needed to sleep!

But I still don't want to go to bed. Not alone.

After what seemed like an hour of lying awake, a soft knock made me sit straight up. For a second I stared at the door, then quickly pinched myself hard to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Nope. That hurt pretty good.

"Ummm, Brendon?" came the soft voice of Fluttershy. "Can I, um, come in? That is, if it's okay with you?"

Well that had a lot less confidence than the previous Fluttershy. it's probably her.

I got up unsteadily and slowly opened the door. There stood Fluttershy in her nightgown, ears back, rubbing her eyes, and looking as tired as I felt. For some reason the word helpless came to mind, but I instantly chastised myself for it.

She's probably stronger than me.

"What's wrong, Fluttershy?"

She looked at me in a way that told me she barely saw me.

"I can't sleep. Bad dreams. Could...could you keep me company? Please?"

Her tone of voice set all my cuteness buzzers ringing. She sounded like a little filly asking for a cuddle. To refuse that request felt like breaking some kind of 11th Commandment: "Thou Shalt Not Deny The Cuteness!"

What is it about tired females that makes them sound So adorable?

"Of course, Fluttershy! Of course! Here, give me your arm."

She leaned into me as I guided her to the bed, where I saw my dilemma. This looked like a twin size bed. No way to keep away from her. But I could sleep on the floor. I helped her lay down and drew the covers over her. I turned to walk away when she caught my hand. Her face peaked out between the sheets.

"Please. Don't go."

"It's alright," I said as I patted her hand. "I'll be right here on the floor."

"No. Could you please just...hold me?"

My face became warm. I wondered how to give her a gentle no?

"S-s-sure."

Damn it!

Her face instantly relaxed as she let go of my hand. I crawled into bed on the other side, whereupon she turned over and snuggled into my arms. The texture of her made me think of a very large stuffed animal, but not so squishy Don't think about squishy things!. Also she was warm and there was the strange pleasure of feeling her body rise and fall as she breathed in and out. My arms came around her instinctively, and I looked down at her smiling face as she gave a soft, contented sigh.

"Thank you."

"You are most welcome, Fluttershy."

I had almost said "my Fluttershy." It had been on the tip of my tongue.

It took very little time for her breathing to change and I knew she was asleep. I, however, was not. I kept staring at her sleeping face, grateful to all powers that be that this mare was in my life. Some strands of her mane had fallen in front of her face and I smoothed them back. This felt so natural that I began running my fingers through her mane, reveling in the softness and the intimacy of the action. I heard Fluttershy give a kind of soft hum in her sleep, which caused me to smile warmly at her. It felt good to give something to her for a change, even if it was simple comfort. As I brought my hand down the length of her mane once again and returned to the top of her head, my fingers lingered on her face. It seemed impossible not to touch those wondrous features. I stroked her cheek with the tips of my fingers. Her eyelids fluttered rapidly, which I took as a sign she was dreaming. It must have been a good dream, as her lips curled in a gentle smile. Then I felt her legs move under the sheets as they entwined themselves with mine. One leg pushed in between my own and I was enthralled with the feel of her soft fur against my bare legs. My face became very warm. I had taken for granted in my earlier stupor that I was in nothing but my briefs while Fluttershy was in her almost transparent nightgown. The dim lighting made this impossible to see, but the fact that only a little fabric separated our naked bodies set off a part of me. It was then that I realized I had slowly been inching my face closer to hers. I leaned in and kissed her forehead and held her against me so that my chin was over the top of her head. I was shivering at the feeling of holding myself back. My body wanted to wrap her up and feel every inch of her. I wanted to embrace her and hold her close, kissing those soft lips until I fell asleep. No previous inhibitions mattered. She was right here and my body screamed at me to just give in.

But I can't just do it while she's asleep. Our first kiss can't be like this.

It was then I felt Fluttershy raise her neck a little. I moved back and looked down. She was blinking and smiling up at me and her smile spread from ear to ear.

"Brendon?" she said, her voice so gentle it was hard for me to tell if she was really awake.

"Yes?"

"Remember the last thing you asked me last night?"

Yep. She's awake alright.

I swallowed in a suddenly dry throat.

"Yes, I remember."

"I'd like to know the answer to that question, too."

"You - you mean...?"

"Yes, Brendon. Please."

My brain searched its inner library for a suave phrase to say in this seemingly perfect moment.

It failed.

"Well, okay then."

Her hand found the back of my head as we looked into each other's eyes, searching for a glimpse of the same feeling that beat within our hearts. We both smiled at what we saw in those eyes. Then that short distance between us was finally crossed, and our lips met.

It was gentle, it was soft, it was a little clumsy, it was breathtaking, it was impossibly long yet far too short, and it was somehow perfect. It was a true first kiss. Fluttershy was trembling slightly as little whimpers crept out every now and then. Or maybe it was I that trembled? All I know is that when we broke, her smile had never been so happy nor her eyes shining so bright. There was a pause filled with silent delight. I felt the need to say something to commemorate the occasion, using whatever brain power I had left.

"Oooooooooh my."

Fluttershy giggled.

"Isn't that usually my line?"

We broke out in a tired yet joyous laughter.

"Well," I said as I wiped a tear from my eye, "It was just so, uh -"

"Yes it was."

"-and, well I was hoping -"

"We could do it again?"

I nodded with a chuckle and we embraced. Fluttershy's lack of experience was obvious, but it made it all so much sweeter. Where I would have wanted to rush, I was forced to take my time. And though I wanted to part those lips with my tongue, I knew the moment would come soon. But that night was one I looked back on with fondness. Its kind of innocence and simple happiness were a wonder. Whatever words we whispered to each other I'll never remember, even as they filled me with confidence and strength. I was just lost in her smiling face, the texture of her body, the softness of her mane, the thrill of having her in my arms, and the living dream of kissing those lips.

Eventually we were so tired we could barely peck each other on the nose. Soon we just held each other, and I'll never know if I thought or said an immense "Thank you" to the heavens before I finally slept.

* * *

Fluttershy smiled to herself. It seemed like it had taken her all night for her to think of something. But it had worked. It had been true enough that she couldn't sleep at the time, but as for the rest...well, it has worked far better than she'd hoped. All she had wanted was a cuddle.

"I'm such a bad pony," she whispered as she snuggled deeper in Brendon's arms. The softest giggle escaped and it wasn't long after that pony and human slept in peaceful comfort.