Paper Pen strode through the streets of Manehattan, solo. Usually he'd be accompanied by Rock Note though on this night that pegasus had made plans with his marefriend, so Pen was all alone, granted, he didn't mind too much. Not only was Pen already a very solitary pony, but with Note around and acting like… Note, he rarely had the opportunity to hit up the classier bars in Manehattan.
Tonight, though, Pen refused to settle for getting drunk in some dive bar and would instead get drunk at a club for the elite fillies and gentlecolts of Manehattan. Pen had no idea how to act around the rich and famous but he figured that, as an author, his ego was overblown enough to at least act the part.
When Pen finally reached his destination, a fancy club owned by and named after the Element of Generosity herself, he casually filed into line and waited.
"Can you believe this place has a fifty bit cover charge?!" A stallion walking past the ponies in line complained to a mare beside him.
"Yeah, what the buck is that about?!" She agreed, "Like I'd want to hang around drunk narcissists all night anyways!"
A fifty bit cover charge? That was steep, and the money paying for it would probably have to come from Pen's grocery budget, but it wasn't like he hadn't blown his food money on drinks before.
Finally, he got his place at the front of the line and went to have the bouncer a fifty bit note.
"Hm?" The bouncer looked at Pen with confusion, "No charge for you Miss Inkwell, officials get in free."
Miss Inkwell? Pen knew he had a mare-like face but… Miss Inkwell? Was he really just allowed free entry to a high class bar because somepony thought he was some government pony of the complete opposite gender, and was he really going to run with that entirely false story just to save fifty bits?
Yeah, of course he was.
"Right, of course…" Pen shook his head as if he'd forgotten something before chuckling, "It's been a long day." Pen, already having a lighter voice than most stallions, attempted to make himself sound more like a mare.
"Yeah," The bouncer chuckled back, "Being assistant to the Princess can't be easy!"
Cool, so now Pen was pretending to be a government mare who personally knew… one of the Princesses? All of them? Any combination of the four?
"Yeah, work's been a nightmare!" Pen commented as he entered the bar.
Immediately the unicorn gravitated towards a stool and sat down to order a drink. Their menu was a labyrinth of house-drinks and wines far too fancy for Pen to have ever heard of them, he considered asking the barmare what she'd recommend but quite frankly that seemed an annoying question only high-maintenance customers would have the audacity to ask.
"Hey Raven!" The barmare greeted with a friendly tone, "How's work been?"
"Ah, you know, it's been tough," Pen lied, "Princess is a royal pain…", Pen made sure to speak with class and not slur his words like usual, he figured stoicness would be the idiosyncrasy of a mare so close to royalty.
"Geez, Twilight still hasn't lightened up yet?" The barmare asked.
Twilight, Raven Inkwell must work for Twilight. The 'yet' could have meant Inkwell hasn't worked with Twilight for long, so perhaps she worked with the previous princesses? At least, that's how he would hint at it if this were a scene and he were its author.
"It's just like when Luna returned, transitions are never easy…" Pen lamented.
"I bet," The barmare agreed, "So, ya' want the usual?"
"Of course!" Pen agreed, desperate for a drink.
Without pause the barmare expertly assembled a drink and slid it in front of Pen. The unicorn, having not had alcohol all day, immediately took the drink in his hooves and downed the entire thing in a single gulp. This proved to be a massive mistake, Pen realized, as his throat began to burn with the rage of a vodka too strong even for him. Was Twilight really this bad?
"Is something wrong, Raven?" The barmare inquired.
"Of course, just been a while since I last drank." Pen lied in the raspy voice of his pained throat.
"You were in here last night…" The barmare eyed Pen with confusion.
"Really?" Pen feigned disbelief, "I really have to stop drinking… hey, could I get another one of those?"
"Of course, coming right up!"
Half an hour passed, though with the copious amount of alcohol Pen was consuming he had lost track of time which, oddly enough, felt more comfortable to him. As he became more and more cider stricken, Pen couldn't help but notice just what sort of ponies actually occupied the joint. Specifically, he was surprised to see the likes of Prince Blueblood sitting just a seat away from him. Pen could clearly see that the royal was in despair, which, had Pen not been trying to hide his true identity, would normally force the unicorn into a fit of laughter at Blueblood's expense.
"Ah, Blueblood's in the dumps again…" The barmare pointed out, "It's a real shame seeing a stallion like that waste his life here."
"What's got him down?" Pen inquired.
"Twilight" The barmare explained, "He's the great nephew of the Sisters, their only living relative not leading another empire, according to all Equestrian law and tradition he should be the ruler of everything by now… but, well, Twilight got that."
Pen was only barely hiding his excitement, the idea of a royal, and one so pompous at that, having his promised destiny ripped from him… it was enough to make Pen's cold dead heart warm with anti-royalist glee. The idea that somepony so important could be reduced to, well, exactly the same sort of lost-cause as Pen, was sweeter than cider and twice as intoxicating.
"Hey, I got an idea!" The barmare piped up, "You work with royals for a living, maybe you could help cheer him up?"
"Yeah, I'm not sure that's the best idea…" Pen struggled to think of an excuse, "I've had a few drinks and-"
"Tell ya' what," The barmare interrupted Pen, "You do this for me and I'll clear your tab for the night, y'know, free drinks!"
Pen immediately hopped a seat over and got Blueblood's attention.
"Sorry mare, but I am in no need of a princess…" The royal looked to Pen with a drunken sorrow on his face and then back to his drink. Pen was offended not at the idea of being mistaken for a mare but at the idea that Blueblood assumed he was about to flirt with the him, maybe that would be the case if it were Shining Armor, but Blueblood? Just… no.
"That's- no-" Pen stuttered, "I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do to help you out, actually." Pen tried his best to feign sincerity.
"That depends," Blueblood began with a sigh, "Can you alone affect the standing of royalty?"
Pen found himself struggling to not suggest guillotines or a proper military coup d'etat, he'd fantasized about destroying Equestria's monarchy so many times he could write a book on the subject. In fact, he had, and in one of Pen's strangest achievements his fictional short story "To Kill A Princess (And Bury The Body)" was one of very few written works banned Equestria-wide.
"Well, no-"
"Then go, go and leave me to wallow in a future lost…" Blueblood dramatically complained.
"Alright then, just figured I'd-"
"It's Twilight, that thieving excuse for a princess!" Blueblood drunkenly ranted, though strangely even under the effect of wine his voice held the aura of a stallion who thought of himself above all else, "Do you know what it's like, Raven, what it's like to have the mare who took you in, the mare you modeled yourself after, to have her completely disregard your existence? Why didn't Celestia pick me to rule Equestria, I deserve it!"
A whiny royal who couldn't hold his wine… Pen had seen this before so many times, they were the sort of archetype to end up dead in Shakesmare plays. Pen of course knew this was no story or play, it was real life, and in the real world he was another sad drunk pony. Really, Pen didn't care, he certainly didn't like Twilight but she seemed a hundred times more capable than Blueblood, the only things on his mind right now were free drinks.
"Maybe you should just be honest about your feelings and see if Twilight could use the help of a noble?" Pen suggested.
"I suppose…" Blueblood paused for a moment to think, slowly a wide-toothed grin came to the noble's face, "Or, and tell me if this a bad idea, I could convince some city-states to demand she step down or they'll cut all trade and declare war on Equestria!"
"That's incredibly bucking-" Pen bit his tongue, Blueblood was certainly in much higher spirits than before and Pen would only ruin that by pointing out any of the numerous logical and/or moral flaws in his plan, "-brilliant… absolutely brilliant." This validation made the prince's grin turn to a full on smile.
"Why, of course, I do fancy myself a master strategist!" Blueblood boasted.
Pen said nothing, instead opting to occupy himself with the first of the night's many, many free drinks.
The next morning, Pen awoke with a killer hangover. Sluggishly he managed to force himself from bed and make his way to the kitchen. Pen remembered nothing past Blueblood's terrible plan, though even that he was surprised to recollect after a night of heavy drinking.
Unsure of whether to be disgusted with or congratulate himself for getting away after such a blatant case of identity theft, Pen neutrally decided on a breakfast of day-old toast. He wondered if he could pull off the same thing a second time, he could always use bits and if he decided to take out a loan as Raven Inkwell… paying it back would be her problem...
Chapter 2: Electric Boogaloo
Raven Inkwell trotted through the halls of Canterlot Castle. She had gotten a letter of urgent summons from Princess Twilight, something that the royal was no stranger to sending though they usually held a bit more context than a paraphrased message of "Get your flank to the throne room or else". Twilight had a history of over reaction so Raven didn't expect a real catastrophe.
"You wanted to see me, princess?" Raven questioned, unsure of what to expect.
Twilight stepped down from her crystal throne to address the assistant pony, she wore an expression of calm anger, the mark of a betrayed trust. Raven bowed before her majesty, usually Twilight would tell her this was unnecessary, though this night she did not.
"I understand transitions can be difficult, Raven," Twilight began soft though full of rage, "But A coup? Why would you betray me and collaborate in a coup?!"
Raven's fear turned to confusion. A coup? Even if Raven wanted to stage a revolt, she was far too busy working with the princess' affairs to stage anything of the sort.
"Your Highness, I did no such thing!" Raven defended, still bowing.
"Do not lie to me, Inkwell!" Twilight shouted, "Your collaborator Blueblood was imprisoned in Yakyakistan this morning after trying to persuade them to declare war on Equestria, is that what you want, Raven, do you want war?!"
"Blueblood?" Raven finally rose, "I haven't spoken with him in months, I swear!"
"Likely story…" Twilight huffed, "A crueller princess would have you sent to the dungeon, be thankful I've only decided to fire you!"
Just as Twilight finished her sentence, a guardsmare burst forth into the room dragging Pen by cuffed hooves. The unicorn's horn had been adorned with a magic-blocking ring, one of his glasses' lenses were broken, and his nose was bloodied.
"Unhoof me you class-traiting brute!" Pen shouted, thrashing at the guardsmare. A quick hoof to the face shut him up, though a second also connected for good measure.
"You're Highness, we found this stallion attempting to get a loan from the royal vault posing as Raven Inkwell!" the guardsmare informed.
A short silence passed as Twilight took in the scene, putting the pieces together and realizing Raven had actually been telling the truth.
"Confess to your crime, cretin!" The guardsmare shouted at a freaked out Pen.
"I haven't paid taxes in years, I used to be a member of an anti-royalist group, I'm pretty sure being drunk in public is a crime, one time when I was a colt I threw a rock at a filly-" Pen listed.
"No, this crime!" The guardsmare clarified.
"I pretended to be some government mare and tried to get a loan, is that really this illegal?!" Pen was scared and confused.
"Yes, identity theft and impersonating a government official are both very illegal!" Twilight seethed with anger, "And on top of all that you convinced Prince Blueblood to stage a coup?!"
Pen had to think about that for a moment, he'd not forgotten about the events of the previous night, well, at least not most of them, but he was still a bit buzzed from downing half a bottle of lemon cider at lunch. Eventually he did remember, though he realized he could actually work with the truth.
"Well, to be fair," Pen addressed Twilight, not even thinking to bow to the ruler of two celestial bodies and the world's most powerful nation, "I didn't convince him to do anything, he just told me and I decided not to do anything about it, I thought it was a joke!" Pen defended.
"Why in Celestia's name would a member of royalty joke about staging a coup?" Raven Inkwell questioned, flabbergasted and enraged.
"I don't know, I was drunk!" Pen provided the answer he so often did when interrogated, "You drink way harder cider than most ponies, I was completely out of it!"
"Everypony else must have been as well if they mistook the likes you for me!" Raven scoffed.
"Oh honey, you act like I don't know what I'm doing!" Pen rolled his eyes and spoke in the same mare-like voice from the night before. Strangely enough, it sounded near identical to Raven, buck, she even entertained the idea of hiring him as a body double after this whole ordeal.
"Enough!" Twilight shouted, lifting Pen in an aura of pink magic.
This was it, Pen thought, this is how he died. He'd always feared Twilight, her elegance stood an intimidation, she was someone of importance, a beloved figure with actual control over her life and a position as somepony who mattered. Maybe it was fitting that the very thing he wanted to be would end up destroying him. He couldn't help but think of the parent's he'd never meet, the love he'd never find, the masterpieces he'd never write… it was all for naught, he could see his life before his eyes and he'd wasted it.
"For your crimes of identity theft, attempted fraud, failure to report a revolutionary threat, and impersonating a government official…" Twilight began, Pen could feel his end drawing nearer, "I sentence you to one month in the royal dungeon!"
Nopony said anything, least of all Pen who was trying desperately to understand if the princess was joking or not.
"Seriously, just a month in jail?" Pen asked, confused.
"Well, it's a dungeon… but yeah, one whole month, what were you expecting?" The princess questioned.
"With all do respect, princess, I'm from Manehattan, you buck up there and you end up charged with a bunch of stuff you didn't even get to do!" Pen explained, "I figured here you'd be the types to drag me into the street and make an example."
"By the Sun, that's horrible!" Twilight recoiled at the notion she'd actually execute somepony, "My rule is much more concerned with the reform of criminals rather than punishment, Equestria does not need another Nightmare Moon!" Twilight spoke proudly.
"Oh… so just, like, just out of curiosity, what about Prince Blueblood?" Pen asked.
"Well, he's not being tried here so that's really up to the courts of Yakyakistan." Twilight shrugged, "That's his problem… shouldn't have tried to take the throne..."
Pen was dragged away to the royal dungeon by the same guardsmare as before. The dungeon was a facility normally intended for housing political prisoners and as a drunk tank for nobles, his cell was fully furnished and hidden from the rest of the facility behind a locked door rather than traditional bars, even the bed, a nicely made twin size mattress with warm woolen blankets, was far nicer than standard affair. If this was punishment Pen would have to get arrested in Canterlot more often.
A guardstallion in special copper armor entered the room, a club strapped to his side in place of the the standard sword or spear. He was young, even younger than Pen.
"Greeting Paper Pen, I'm sure you'd like to be briefed on the terms of your detainment-" He recited in a semi-nervous voice. It's like fate was forcing Pen to do wrong
"Nah, I know the drill by now," Pen began, speaking with a faux yet oddly convincing Saddle Arabian accent, "I would like a glass of lemon cider, shaken, not stirred."
"I'm sorry sir but prisoners aren't allowed alcohol." The young stallion informed.
"I am Prince Harlan of Saddle Arabia, colt…" Pen lied, "I would vastly appreciate it if you fetched me my cider."
"Of course, right away you're highness!" The colt insured, quickly leaving the cell.
Pen took a book from the room's shelf and lied in bed, beginning to read the story. This was nice, he thought, he needed a vacation.
