Human Growth Hormones

by Automated System

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Profanity, Random
Length: 1195

Ponyville's burger restaurant is getting a new recipe, and ponies all around town are lining up just to try it out!

Ponyville's burger restaurant is getting a new recipe, and ponies all around town are lining up just to try it out. However, the content of the burger leads to some unfortunate consequences.

A dumb fic I made semi-inspired by a Twitter post.
If you haven't heard already somehow, this is what the reference is.

Published 2020-01-01 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-01 02:40:01 UTC

Oh Geez

Twilight Sparkle was having a perfectly dandy day. There was nothing happening today, except for one thing. One thing she had been waiting for.

Ever since she had visited the Hay Burger for a quick meet-up, it had quickly become apparent to her that the usually over-looked restaurant was at the top of its game. Even if there wasn't any competition for it to be any lower than the top, so technically it was always at the top, but you get the point. It was good. And ever since she visited and had obviously enjoyed the food, the other denizens of Ponyville had also flocked to it. A princess had ate there, how could they not? There had even been the occasional tourist visit, the incident having literally put it on multiple maps. And so the restaurant got a bit fancier. Not a lot, of course, ponies weren't visiting for fanciness (and if they were, they usually left sorely disappointed and confused as to why a princess would go to any area that was not fancy) so they kept the place feeling at least a little under-budget intentionally.

But today they were going for the big guns. A burger made entirely out of magically-created materials -- and for a limited time only, too! Apparently a group of two unicorns had found the secret to making the food actually taste real and be nutritious. Twilight nearly quivered. She had so many questions! An entirely new breakthrough in magic, and it was right in front of her!

Well, not right in front of her. She was actually waiting at the restaurant door. There was a line that stretched meters behind her. She, of course, was one of the first three people in the line (Pinkie Pie having been the first, somehow) and--

"Twilight!"

She became acutely aware of the rainbow colored pegasus behind her. "Yes, Rainbow?" Rainbow Dash looked nervous. "Do you think, uh, I could get your spot in line? With you, of course. Not taking it, just sharing it because we're friends and all, and--" Twilight sighed loudly enough to cut her off. "Why didn't you just ask Pinkie?"
Dash shrugged. "She respects lines too much," she said, eliciting a nod from Pinkie Pie, who had been staring at the door this whole time. Twilight blinked, trying to process that, and then looked back at Dash. "Look, I would, but--" She was promptly cut off by the door swinging open and nearly missing her face.

"Stores open! Come and get your Impossible Burgers..." one of the managers said, having trotted through the door and was now visibly losing confidence as they realized how long the line was, "...in an orderly fashion." The manager then galloped back in, shouting something along the lines of "oh Celestia, we need more" presumably.

Twilight walked in, Pinkie coming after (the door had not been so kind to her) and Rainbow Dash coming in third, having fillybustered her way into staying third in line, much to the chagrin of the minty looking pony who had been demoted to fourth place in the line. She cleared her throat, preparing to announce her order of the Impossible Burger directly before it was promptly shoved in front of her, hayfries coming second. She looked up and stared into the eyes of a pony who just desperately wanted her to sit down so she could serve the next pony. Twilight giggled nervously, managed to stutter out an "uh, yes, that" before promptly sitting down.

It was finally here. She almost considered picking it apart, piece by piece, but she knew that could come later. First, she had to taste it.

She slowly lifted it to her mouth, opening wide, before biting down, leaving a clean chomp through the front.
"Omhmcelesthia," she mumbled, her not even swallowing yet, savoring the taste. It was...now that she thought about it, it just tasted like a hayburger, but slightly different. However, she enjoyed the taste of hayburgers, so it mattered not to her. A few minutes later, she was on her third, having completely forgotten her intent to pick it apart. Various other ponies had stuffed into the restaurant, the rest being forced to eat on the patio, an unlucky few being directed to a picnic blanket, but nearly everyone was getting a taste.

And then the screaming started.

She looked over to see a pony pointing at her, and wondered why before she looked back down, noticing a fur-less extrusion on her arm. It was pale, with weird nubby bits. Twilight, of course, was used to a transformation spell gone awry, so she simply cast her failsafe s--

And she started screaming too. Oh god, it hurt. It hurt so much. It felt like ripping a limb off, and the pale nubby thing was still on the table, it had fallen onto her burger, and she thought about the pale nubby thing and her burger and she decided it was awful.

All around her, ponies were growing similar growths, but in different shapes. And all of them were very unpleased. Four long ones and one short one stuck off of the pony who had been behind her in line, them wiggling a bit as she screamed. Rainbow Dash had two fur-less noses growing on her back, both in different spots, as she screamed. A brown horse was attempting to grab the dangling thing that had black hairs on it growing on his hoof, and screaming. Another was simply just growing those same black hairs all over, and screaming. There were ponies running around, tables were being flipped, all the staff had ran (except for one who had also been afflicted), and it was absolute bedlam.

The screaming had mostly calmed down by now. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA," a pony stated as a spell was cast on them, the growths falling off. "AAAAAAAAAAAA," they continued. Fluttershy gently pulled them off to the side, applying various pain remedy creams to the spots that had the growths on them.

Rainbow Dash dragged the next unlucky pony over as they squirmed. "Seriously though, I can't thank you enough, Twilight," she said. "Who knows what would've happened without you!"

Twilight nodded, casting the spell on the squirming pony, causing them to cease squirming and also start screaming. "What I'm wondering is what caused this? Or...who?"

Rainbow Dash shrugged as Fluttershy applied the pain remedies to them too. "I dunno, probably somepony who just flubbed the spell. I can't think of anyone who'd know something like this could happen and just not care."

Two unicorns stood outside the restaurant, watching from a distance as ponies were cleaned off.

"Well, sweet brother of m--" one started before the other shoved his hoof into his mouth.

Flam stared into the distance, keeping his hoof there. He then decided on something to say.

"Fuck."

Author's Note

This is my first fic. Decided you can't improve without at least trying once.
I've been meaning to write one for a few years now but I have an issue with squeezing things so tight that I don't even hit 1k words. Hopefully I get better.