Chapters The soft chatter of the lunchroom sounded more like the screaming of a thousand choirs as Wallflower stood at the end of the lunch line. The bright orange lights and colors of the cafeteria were dotted with a distracting palette of everyone's fashion choice, and the smell of the cheap school food wafting up from the serving line was enough to stoke the growing headache in Wallflower's mind. Her skin crawled as she glanced back and forth at the other students around her. The close proximity of others was enough to set off all of her usual internal alarms, but she took in a deep breath to stay strong. Wallflower gripped her cafeteria tray tightly once it was filled with the usual cheap off-brand mix of approved foods. Turning into the lunch room made the pit in her stomach grow as the memories of making that awful walk to an empty table stoked the flames of her anxiety. She closed her eyes and took in another long, deep breath. It'll be different today. My friends will want to talk to me today , she whispered to herself. The air passing over her lips brought the swirling maelstrom of panic brewing inside her down, but not nearly enough to completely quell the urge to sprint out of the cafeteria and never look back. It'll be different, I have friends now , she repeated.
She glanced around the filled room for those familiar, bright shades of hair. Her friends were usually... ah, right there at the usual corner of the cafeteria.
Friends. Three weeks had passed since Sunset first invited her to call her that and the word still didn't feel right on her tongue--not with them, not with anyone. Wallflower took in another deep, shaky breath and looked up at her target. It was just a few dozen feet away. Sunset and five of her friends poked at their meals and shared smiles and pierced the drone of the other students with an occasional laugh. The familiar sting of resentment swept through her at the sigh. That was supposed to go away once they were all friends, right?
"It's different now, they're my friends," Wallflower said to herself, her volume raised enough to cause a girl walking beside her to give her a raised eyebrow. That familiar, uncomfortable blanket of embarrassment washed over her with a blush once she noticed the weirded-out stare. With a twist of her shoulder she hid her blush under her unkempt green hair. The urge to run nipped at her again, but she looked back up to the empty seat beside Sunset instead. My friends will want to talk to me today , she whispered to herself again. Today is going to be a good day .
"Hey, Wallflower!" Sunset shouted once she caught a glimpse of her. As soon as Wallflower saw her face, the panic building up in her flowed out. The genuine smile on Sunset's face made her lips slowly curl up as well. Having someone genuinely be happy to see her was a feeling she could finally get used to.
"H-hey, Sunset. How's it going?" she asked as she sat down. Wallflower quickly cleared her throat. Wouldn't want another awkward stutter messing up any potential conversations. Sunset's smile stayed, allowing Wallflower to let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding.
"It's going pretty great. I was actually just talking to Fluttershy about something you might be interested in," Sunset said, looking over to her pink-haired friend as she put another spoonful of mashed potatoes in her mouth.
"R-really?" Wallflower looked over, trying to hide the hints of disbelief on her face. Another unfamiliar feeling brought back just a little bit of life in her: excitement. Actually being included in a conversation was new. She did her best to drone out Pinkie's ramblings about the use of a label maker on pastries to a bored Rarity and look across the table at Fluttershy with some respectful eye contact--an article she read online said it was supposed to make people like her more, so couldn't hurt, right?.
"Yeah, what was it you needed, 'Shy?" Sunset asked, pointing her fork up at her friend.
"Oh, I was wondering if you could help me out with something called absi--"
Before Fluttershy could mumble out the rest of her question, Rainbow Dash squeezed in between her and Rarity, slamming her tray haphazardly into the table and slumping down into her seat hard enough to rock every girl sitting around her. Wallflower cringed and turned away from the sudden blast of noise. "Man, you guys would not believe what coach made us do at practice today. I don't know who pissed her off, but I'd suggest not eating too much before you hit P.E.," Dash said with a harsh nudge into Fluttershy's arm. Worry quickly consumed the meek girl's face and she took her eyes off of Wallflower and glued them to Rainbow instead.
"W-what? What's she going to make us do?" Fluttershy asked.
Wallflower cleared her throat. "Wait, Fluttershy, what was it that you--"
"Oh, man. You wouldn't believe how many burpees she made us do. We must've been on those mats for a solid ten minutes before she moved us straight to sprints."
"...Oh my..." Fluttershy said with a hand up to her mouth.
"Yeah, and you won't believe what happened after she broke out the jump ropes. I had no problem with it of course, but you guys are in for it."
Wallflower let out a long sigh and looked down at her food. The joy and excitement deflated out of her like a pierced life boat. She silently shook her head and clenched her fist around her fork. Every day. Every single day since she lost the Memory Stone had been like this. Getting talked over here, or outright ignored there, completely forgotten by everyone more times than she bothered to count. There hadn't been a single day where she got more than two or three sentences in to anyone. Wallflower glanced around the table, looking for a bored set of eyes that might want to look in her direction. It could still be different today , she thought. No. Not today. Everyone was way too enthralled by the torture they were going to receive in gym today to bother ever considering her to talk with.
Her mouth opened to say something to Sunset, or anyone, but she knew exactly how this always went--ignored or waved off in favor of someone or something much more interesting. Wallflower looked away and shut her eyes as tightly as she could, flexing her stomach and fingers to try to quell the anger building up again, and really just to have something else to focus on. It was no use. It was never any use.
The truth slowly but surely started to seep in. Like a monster creeping around in the dark, Wallflower felt uneasy in her seat as the inevitable approached her. The mantra she religiously stuck to all day had crumbled once she sat down, just like it always had. Just another lie she told herself to hide from reality. She let her guard down, realizing there wasn't any point any longer.
They don't want you around
You'll never really be their friend
They all wish you'd just run off already
You're just worthless trash to them
None of them would miss you if you disappeared
Just give up... It's time...
.......No one will miss you........
"Wallflower?" Sunset's hand on her arm shocked her back to reality with a gasp. "Are you alright?"
A few blinks were all Wallflower could muster for a moment. "Y-yeah... I'm fine." She looked up into her friends teal eyes to find them looking on her with actual concern. The torrent of panic building up in her stopped again, just for a moment--long enough for her to take a deep breath and give Sunset her best reassuring smile. "I think I'm okay," she said with a weak nod.
The side of Sunset's mouth turned up and she gave Wallflower's forearm a pat. The warmth from the contact was enough to melt those worries away, even just for a moment. "Good. If you're not busy this weekend, I actually wanted to--"
"Oh my god, Sunset! I just remembered!" Twilight said, springing up in her seat. "The deadline for the robotics competition is tomorrow and we haven't calibrated those actuators properly yet. Do you have time tonight to come over?"
"O-oh, right. Yeah, Twi, we can iron it out," Sunset said, slowly pulling her hand away and inviting back in the emptiness it staved off.
Wallflower looked down and gritted her teeth so hard her jaw threatened to cramp. It was all she could do to keep the scream building up inside her from bursting out of her throat. She wanted to yell at every single one of them. The word liar pressed at the back of her mouth, begging to be let out. Her mind went through the motions of envisioning her standing up and screaming at all of them. It'd been weeks of this, of being ignored and forgotten all over again. They said they would be friends, they said things would be different, they said she wouldn't have to...
Wallflower let the plastic fork in her hand clatter into her tray. The vision of her releasing all that pent up frustration left her uneasy. The next scene was easy to predict after an episode like that--ostracism, isolation, ridicule... Nothing would be solved, nothing would get better, all she'd get would be the weirded-out stares of everyone in the lunch room and the ire of her would-be friends. Her palm yearned for the familiar weight of that magical stone. At least then she could scream and make sure no one remembered.
The world around her darkened and everyone else's voice felt like nothing but distant whispers. Wallflower looked down at her food, but her vision felt blurred and unfocused. The anger quickly drained out of her once she realized there was no way out. No control at the end of that enveloping magic eye. Her whole world seemed to slip away, like she was just a passenger in her own body watching from behind a window. That familiar creep of the feeling leaving her body slowly stripped her of all sensation. Her body wasn't hers any longer. She was empty... numb. Wallflower wasn't there with any of them at all anymore... she might as well be in a different plane of existence entirely.
In that lonely void swarmed something horrid. No matter how detached from reality she became, there were always the reminders, little whispers of the truth she could never run from. Without a distraction, they hummed the tune of the truth into her ear, making sure she couldn't ever hide forever. They'd always catch up with her anyway. At a certain point she just had to sit down and listen.
They were never going to care about you
What an idiot you were to think anything would change
No one was ever going to want to be around you
Just accept that you'd always end up like this
You'll never have a real friend
Everyone still hates you for what you did
Only one way out now
It's time, you disposable runt
Do it already No one will miss you
Do it DO IT
DO IT
They'll never miss you
DO IT
"I have to go," Wallflower blurted out with distress clear in her voice. All the eyes turned to her for a moment as she awkwardly shambled out of her seat to get away. She didn't bother to look back as she walked as fast as her legs could carry her and not look awkward. There might've been a few weak greetings, but probably not. If Wallflower had bothered to look back, she didn't expect to see anything but everyone staring at Rainbow. Why wouldn't they? It's not like they really wanted her there in the end. Every conversation was always the same, left on the sideline and ignored until it was time to make sure she wasn't completely falling apart.
The cafeteria door seemed like it was a continent away as she walked. Wallflower could feel the amused stares at her back and the snickers over her episodes. When all other memories faded, at least there'd be one about the little freak storming out every time she couldn't handle her own anxiety anymore. Wallflower let out a little involuntary whimper and clutched her arms tight to her body. It was a mistake. As the thoughts of laughing behind her filled her mind and tears welled up in her eyes, she couldn't help but want to never be seen again. Great, now you messed up today too...
Wallflower slammed her way through the double doors and out into the hallway. As the low hum of conversation faded behind her, Wallflower wiped at the corner of her eyes with her sweater. It was supposed to be different... things were supposed to get better. Why did I do this? Her mind quickly conjured up a few answers for her, none of them pleasant. Every little bit of truth whispered in her ear nibbled at her already feeble confidence. Her feet guided her to the closest bathroom she could find. At least in there she could hide out the rest of the day.
"Maybe it'll be better tomorrow?" she told herself. Her weak, quivering voice was never going to be enough to fight reality. Her mind quickly answered back to tell her the truth .
Nothing will ever really change
You having friends was just a stupid fantasy
You'll just be ignored again
You're a disposable nuisance
You'll always be the odd one out
The crack of a door slamming echoed throughout Wallflower's little two-bedroom house. She spun around as the outside world finally disappeared from view and fell back onto the wooden door, letting herself slowly slide down to the tile below. Her lungs finally had a chance to relax and let out the breath she'd been holding in. With the prying eyes of every person walking down the street off of her, Wallflower let out a relieved sigh and wiped the sweat off of her forehead.
It was supposed to be winter. The cold nip of the fall air was supposed to be giving way to a frozen Canterlot. Instead the start of winter gave her continuously uncomfortably warm days like this one. The thought of having to go without her favorite wool sweater let the familiar grip of anxiety saunter in. Her otherwise comfortable attire was going to turn into a hot box every time the winter cold fronts failed to show up, but the thought of wearing just a t-shirt to actually be comfortable made the vice on her insides grip even tighter. She tried to take in a deep breath and search her mind for some reassurance, some mantra to repeat to herself...
Wallflower perked up for a moment and leaned forward on her hand, shooting a few tentative glances into the dark living room. "Dad? Are you home?" she asked the silence. The long seconds of nothing tore at her until she finally closed her eyes and let out a low whine. Another soft thud echoed throughout the empty house as she fell back onto her front door. Of course it wasn't today...
With her knees gripped tight to her chest, Wallflower let her head fall forward into the soft comfort of the wool on her forearms. Her dad's business trip would be over... in a week? Two weeks? She couldn't even remember anymore. Not like it really mattered anyway--he'd be home for two or three days then just be gone again for the rest of the month. The soft howl of the wind against the house was the only company she'd have tonight... plenty of time to dwell on her little episode today. Her mind began to wander on its own, the soft whispers of those unintentional thoughts creeping back in with that solemn silence. "No..." Wallflower whispered with a harsh shake of her head. Not now...
Wallflower quickly picked herself up off of the tiles. There had to be something to do around here... something to take care of so to keep herself focused. Any little scrap of positivity could make a world of difference to stave off those awful whispers. Wallflower stretched herself out and fished around for the phone in her pocket. She did her best to envision that little notification emblem... she'd read somewhere visualization like that was supposed to help.
Once the light on the screen washed over her face, all it had to show was that annoying little clock widget. Her thumb swiped open the lock screen and she tapped her texts just to make sure they'd gone through when she was walking home. Both of them, one to Sunset and one to Rarity, both of them just sat there alone and unanswered. Wallflower pursed her lips. Maybe a better apology to Sunset and she might talk to me... she thought as she brought both of her thumbs up to the virtual keyboard and let the possible strings of apologies and emotions form in her mind, but each one sounded worse than the last. Wallflower did her best to push the inevitable thought out of her mind, but denying the truth was pointless.
If she cared enough to talk to you she already would have...
Wallflower let out a defeated whimper. The silence around her slowly crept in again, little tendrils of negativity snaking around in the dark towards her. She grabbed the doorknob behind her and hoisted herself back to her feet. She bit her lip and looked apprehensively down at the phone in her hand. There was always one friend she could fall back on, one friend that could keep the flood of anxiety from gripping her entirely. Her heart pounded loud enough to cut through the silence as she battled over whether or not to start that again. It'd been three weeks... her new friends were supposed to make things better... she wasn't supposed to be alone again...
But there she was, completely isolated again. Her phone would never buzz with the exciting prospect of a new conversation, nobody would come by wanting to hang out with her--by the time tomorrow rolled around she'd be surprised if anyone even remembered her. Her finger pulled back the edge of her phone case and let it snap back to the metal again. Her old friend was only a few motions away, and she knew it'd make this all stop.
Wallflower gritted her teeth and tossed her phone on top of the nearby washing machine. That old friend would only lead her down one path, and it was a darkness she didn't want to be consumed by again. She held her arms close to her chest. It'd be so easy though... nobody would care.
In an effort to give herself something, anything to focus on, Wallflower made her way to the back window and looked out at the dead world outside. The uncomfortable warmth of the mismatched season hadn't made the woods behind her house any less brown and grey. The endless sea of trees and dead leaves stretched out behind the quiet, forgettable neighborhood. The bare branches stretched into the grey, overcast sky and left a mess of dark, scattered scars on the cloudy canvas. The ugly browns of the layers of matted dead leaves left the ground looking like a carcass of the once-beautiful sea of green shrubs and grass that she'd planted and meticulously cared for just a few months ago.
You would've failed anyway
Wallflower gripped her temples and let off a frustrated grunt. She shot upright and stormed back to the washing machine where her phone sat silent. A quick tap of the power button revealed the same blank status bar as before.
They'd rather just forget about you...
The frustration building up inside her quickly morphed into a much more desperate emotion. "Please... just one night without this... please..." she begged herself. She took another shaky, deep breath. "Do something productive... positive... Things will get better," she whispered as she closed her eyes tightly. After a few deep breaths she opened her eyes again to look down at the washing machine. A clean sweater would make her feel better. The little patches of wetness still stuck to the wool from the walk home, making her feel even more uncomfortable in her skin than she already was.
"I'll feel better... tonight will be better," she said through a few more deep breaths. The old, worn mass of wool slipped over her long, green locks and the cold air finally met the bare skin that her shirt didn't cover. She let the old sweater fall into the open washing machine and quickly poured some detergent over it to start the cycle. She tapped her foot as the sound of water pouring in started. The momentary relief from the hot material sticking to her skin faded once the absence of that familiar feeling of something hugging her torso sunk in. Wallflower's head looked back and forth out each window to make sure no one could see her, then held her arms tight against her body again.
The sound of her shoe rapping against the tile became faster. How long was this supposed to take again? A familiar tension formed inside her head, feeling like it was pulling all the way down her spine. "Come on..." She knew throwing it into the machine wasn't good for her sweater, but it was quicker. Wallflower had already opted for the lazy method one too many times, but the possibility of having to replace her favorite piece of clothing was always going to be preferable to having to watch her own hands move around the soapy water. Having to roll up her sleeves to reveal the light green of her forearms was a reminder she'd rather go without.
She set both of her hands on the washing machine to feel the rocking and occasional thud. It was something to keep her mind focused at least. She tapped her finger on the metal now, slowly increasing in tempo as if it'd speed up time somehow. She looked down at the washing machine to see if the dial had made any progress, and of course, it hadn't. The familiar green of her forearms came into view and Wallflower immediately opted to look up at the ceiling instead. There had to be another sweater around here.
Wallflower headed off into the abyss of darkness that was her room. With the lack of stimuli in the washing machine and the light pouring in from the setting sun, her mind finally took its opportunity.
Another deep breathed filled her lungs as her mind lost its focus. The room was comfortable enough, you don't need another sweater, her thoughts told her. It'll be easier without those pesky long sleeves anyway .
The silence crept in again and the memories poked their way into her thoughts. The uncomfortable stares, the awkward silences, storming out of the cafeteria... It was all leading up to this. Three weeks of trying to live a lie... Wallflower shut her eyes. She wasn't in control anymore.
They hate you now, you know that right?
They laughed as you left
They're glad you're gone
It was always going to be like this
You were never worth it to them
You'll never be good enough
They just put up with you
They'll just forget about you again
No one would ever want to be friends with trash like you
Nobody would miss you if you died
You make everything worse
The world would be better off without you
It's only going to get worse anyway
Do it
They'll be happier with you gone You'll never be happy anyway
They all wish you would just die
The first cold sting of a tear rolled down Wallflower's cheek. She shut her eyes as tightly as she could, trying to fight the flood of little truths that gripped her like a garrote. Her body felt numb as she fell back into her door frame and slowly slid herself down into the carpet. "No..." she whispered, her voice quaking and her body shivering. She desperately searched her mind for some mantra, some little piece of positivity to latch onto, but it was just reaching into the endless void. Tears easily streamed down her cheeks now as the first involuntary seize of a sob embraced her.
You'll never really have friends
"No... no... no no no," she whispered to herself. The solution was still sitting on the washing machine. All she had to do was give up and go back to that old friend. Wallflower shook her head violently as the sobs came in full force. She gripped her knees to her chest so hard her arms ached. She desperately tried to fill her mind with the memory of the feeling of that first hug. Sunset should've hated her for what she did, but right after the Memory Stone was destroyed, she hugged her. She hugged her and told her there was another way, that they could all be friends.
It was a lie
She was never going to care about you
She just wanted to feel better about herself
You'll be thrown away and forgotten once she doesn't need you anymore
Wallflower gripped at her scalp. It'd been three weeks since then. Things were supposed to be different by now, she wasn't supposed to be alone anymore. Why was she still alone? Sunset said she would help, she said things would be different now. Why aren't they different? Why does she feel even worse now?
She lied
She hates you
She'll be happy to be rid of you
Do her a favor and stop trying
They'll all be happy with you gone
Every sob that forced its way out of her throat made her chest feel tighter and tighter. The soft whimpers echoing through the house were the only thing she could hear anymore as her ribs grew painfully sore. She tensed her arms as best she could in her exhausted state to try to keep the truth away, but it was always going to find a way back. There was never any escape.
After what felt like hours, Wallflower finally couldn't keep it up any longer. The roaring tide of self-hatred finally died down once she was too fatigued to even think clearly. Her face was sticky with dried tears and her eyes stung as she stared down at the carpet with an empty expression. The washing machine had stopped thumping in the other room who knows how long ago. Wallflower couldn't bring herself to care anymore. The constant crashing of intense emotion against her had worn down the muscles in her face and she stared blankly around her room. It was going to be another one of those nights.
Wallflower weakly grabbed onto her nearby door's doorknob and barely managed to get herself onto her feet. Her wavering stance barely even registered to her anymore. The world and everything in it might as well be on the other side of a pane of glass, her soul trapped behind it only being able to watch as her body started itself on autopilot.
She knew she didn't really belong, she barely felt like she was even conscious as she took the plastic remote in her hand and turned on the TV. Some bland sitcom flickered to life in front of her, and she collapsed on the couch to watch it, to pretend she was a somewhat normal human being if nothing else.
It was over. The truth had sunk in, and Wallflower could do nothing but blankly stare at the screen flashing in front of her, painting the rest of the room in a dull, white light. Every part of her body felt light, empty, as she sunk further and further into the cushions. The void grew inside her until her mind blanked out entirely and there was nothing left. Just a husk sitting on the couch watching TV. A shell of a girl that no one even cared about, that was just going to be ignored again come tomorrow.
It was the truth, and it stuck to Wallflower's skin like the sweat from earlier, so thick nothing would ever cut through to convince her otherwise. Nothing could fill that void right now, so as usual, it was best just to accept it. By tomorrow it'd happen again, and the next day, and the next. Nothing would ever change... that was the truth.
Wallflower lethargically tugged at the collar to her stiff sweater. Another day of uncomfortable heat as the winds of winter refused to find her and cool the air after such a warm Autumn. The hard concrete of the school's front steps radiated a soreness through her butt. A quick glance at her phone told her she'd been there for half an hour waiting for that response. She flicked through her phone, doing her best to ignore the crowd as their shoes caused a low rumble on the steps around her. Once she pressed Sunset's name in her list of messages, her heart sank in her chest and she slumped forward onto her knees.
Hey, you want to hang out after school today? Wallflower's last text read as it brushed up against the other unanswered one from last night.
She let out a soft sigh and scooted herself further down to the side of the stairs and held her knees close to her chest. The students going home were thinning out compared to the massive flood of teenagers from earlier, but each one of them made the side of her body that faced them flare in apprehension. She did her best to shove down the impending instinct to get away, hoping that this time Sunset might actually answer her.
The edges of Wallflower's eyes stung with that all-too-familiar fatigue. The last time she remembered seeing on the TV when she changed the channel was 4:30 a.m. before she passed out. Getting to school three hours after that didn't exactly leave much room for rest.
You don't deserve it anyway.
The pounding in the center of her brain was a constant reminder that something was wrong, some need her body had hadn't been met, but it was nothing new. Her stomach growled at her and she did her best to swallow back the harsh burning bubbling up from her gut. That weird place between starving and nauseous was never fun, and the concoction of junk food she got from the gas station at 3 a.m. wasn't doing her any favors either. She contemplated what might happen if she stretched out on the concrete and let off the low whines her body would prefer her to let out.
No one would care
They'd be happy to see you dying
You'd just be an annoyance like always
Why would anyone ever bother to try to help you
Wallflower brought her hands up to her eyes and groaned. She let herself fall to her side and her green hair sprawled out haphazardly over the concrete. She didn't care... no one else did either. She brought up the dim light of her cellphone to her face again, looking through her messages thinking maybe she just missed one. One of the girls had to at least notice she didn't show up for lunch today, right?
There was nothing. No text, no call, no Mystable message or update. She checked all the girl's feeds, too... three times. Everything was just fine without her. Nobody missed her, nobody checked on her. Everyone's lives were exactly the same with her gone.
It's how it's always going to be
Nothing was ever going to change
They never wanted to be around you
Just stop trying
She let out another low groan and rubbed her eyes. Her free thumb tapped on the keyboard of her phone a few times and pressed send.
Sunset? Are you there? it said.
She's not going to answer, you know
If she wanted to talk to you, she would have already
The sweat made her skin feel sticky on the inside of her sweater. The unkempt lengths of green hair matted against her head and stuck to her cheek as the heat of the afternoon seemed to get worse. Wallflower tensed her fists and clenched her eyelids tight again. The urge to scream as loud as her lungs would possibly allow boiled over inside her. "It wasn't supposed to be like this anymore," she said, bringing her hands up to her face again. The scream settled into that uncomfortable wetness welling up behind her eyes.
The rumble of the students around her was dying down. With no response buzzing on the phone lying on her chest, she knew it'd be silent again before too long. Wallflower sprung up and shoved her phone into her pocket. No use holding out hope for anything now. She pushed herself off that uncomfortable concrete and wiped the sweat off her brow. She did her best to soothe herself of the few pleasant memories of the one place around the school she actually enjoyed. There would be better than here. Anywhere was better than here.
The cooler days of the past few weeks did Wallflower's garden no favors. The once-brilliant combination of greens, reds, yellows, blues, and whites was now browned and dormant, leaving only the occasional hints of the wonderful hues that once adorned her space. The horrid crunch of dead leaves covered the once-vibrant grass and left the one place she felt safest just as dead and uncaring as the rest of the world around her. The universe didn't even bother to grace her with a cool breeze as she walked through it, running her hand across the rock fixtures jutting up from the earth. She kicked around a few of the loose stones, doing her best not to think about that familiar divet in the middle of her garden.
Nothing felt right anymore. Wallflower gripped her arms tight to her chest as her eyes dared to glance at the spot. "It was supposed to be different now..." she said to herself. That outstretched hand, that forgiving smile... She wasn't supposed to need that power anymore, but more and more she found her hand aching for the familiar weight and the rough texture of the Memory Stone. At least then everyone could forget her endless stream of awkward moments and she could finally let loose the outbursts she tore herself apart over withholding. Every little mistake could disappear into that stone, all for her. She let out a sigh and shook her head. I almost ruined Sunset's life over a little jealousy... I don't deserve that kind of power, she thought to herself.
...You only deserve one thing
Wallflower gripped her temples and let out a frustrated groan. She tried her best to guide her mind to the memories where a smile was actually on her face. How many flower arrangements she lovingly planted in the earth here, watching her hard work blossom and grow, and the immense satisfaction at finally being able to step back and be proud of something in her life, something she made. The fond memories clashed with the sleeping plant life around her.
It was never going to last
You would've failed anyway
Everything you touch dies
The world would be better off without you
The leaves below her flew up into the air as she fell to her knees. "Not today..." she said, grabbing at her temples even harder. Despite the sun finally slipping behind the trees, the temperature refused to fall with it. The combination of the heat, her sour stomach, the pounding headache, and the exhaustion wore her down until her heart started beating wildly in her chest. That all-too-familiar tension gripped at her insides and she had to do something fast before it got out of control. Her breaths were shallow and strained, and she struggled around in the leaves as it felt like she could hardly get any air at all. Without even thinking, she ripped her sweater off and threw it down into the leaves in front of her.
The impending panic attack slowed for now. The tank top she had on let her body finally feel some cooling air, even if the uncomfortable feeling of her skin being exposed added fuel to the fire of that anxiety. She held herself tight and looked around the barren garden just in case. Nobody would ever bother her here, but the thought of being seen without her sweater was never a pleasant one.
Wallflower breathed in a sigh of relief as her stomach finally settled in the comfort of the air flowing through the trees. She searched her mind for something else she could do here to just feel a little better... rocks she could organize, a fixture to rearrange, something to find that familiar feeling of contentedness again. Her head curved around to look for anything she might've left behind to do... but she'd decided she'd wait until Spring so the place could look as good as possible.
Stupid
She let out a defeated whine at the realization. It was back home, or... no. Wallflower desperately clung to the possibility that she wouldn't need to go back to that. Her friends were there for her now. Things were supposed to get better. She was supposed to get better.
But you aren't
You'll never get better
Everything will always get worse
You'll always be a worthless failure
Nobody will ever really care about you
You'll always be alone
Just give up
They all hate you anyway
If they even remember you exist
Just go
No one will miss you
Wallflower pulled her phone out of her pocket. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she knew if she didn't do something quick, she'd end up passing out in a pool of her own sweat in the leaves below. She clenched her eyes tightly shut as she held her phone out in her hand. Am I really going to do this again... She looked down at that dark screen. That one little friend could help... She told herself she was done once she wouldn't be ignored anymore, that her new friends were all she needed...
But that wasn't the truth. Wallflower yanked off the hard plastic of her phone case and let that little bit of silver shine in the growing moonlight as it bounced off her thigh and landed in the leaves. The glint of that familiar metal made Wallflower's wrists itch. It was time again; she was really about to do this. She picked up the double-edged razor out of the grass and looked it over. She could feel the relief washing over her already as she studied the odd cutout in the middle and the mirror sheen of the sharp edges. Her forearm timidly raised up into the moonlight with her hand overturned, exposing her wrist and the hundreds of little nicks and scratches that scarred her all the way up to the bicep. The sight made her stomach turn again when she looked herself over... all the damage she'd done to herself over the years. It didn't matter that much though--there was no going back now.
She let the blade fall to her wrist and sit there for a moment, the thin metal digging into her skin already at even the slightest pressure. The long tracks of uneven scratches were like tally marks, counting how many days she'd put herself through this, how many times she fell back into this same old habit. She closed her eyes again, a short debate in her head raging about the torn, scratched flesh that used to be her forearm.
You're a monster
You're disgusting
No one could ever love that
With another frustrated whimper, Wallflower dragged the blade across her wrist, letting the first little bits of blood bubble up from the thin, little scratch. In an instant, the voice was gone. The torrent of confusion and frustration, self-hatred and fear; it was all gone. The stinging in her wrist drew her focus and it felt like she could finally breathe again. She lined up the razor for another run and dragged it down, just a little deeper this time. The harsh cut drew every last bit of her focus onto the red line forming on her wrist. Her otherwise raging insides finally quieted down once there was some other damage to be concerned about.
It was a comfortable clarity, as she marked herself with more and more relieving pain. The searing from the cuts in the open air was nothing compared to the torture of being alone with herself, and now that she'd dragged that bit of metal across her wrist, there was no stopping now, not until she knew the stinging from those wounds would last her through the night.
Another red streak, another little bubble of blood. Her breathing was steady, normal, as she carved her troubles into her arm. Every time she reset she felt that same rush of control. She was responsible for the direction, the pressure, the length. She was the one who could finally focus long enough to be the one holding the steering wheel. Wallflower knew it was wrong, that she was only making things worse by doing this again... but it was the only feeling she could truly rely on to be consistent any longer.
It was almost euphoric, not having to think anymore. All her world was anymore was that little shaving razor and the stinging of her separated skin. She wasn't smiling, but she didn't have to. The horrible feeling of being millions of miles away from her own body, being trapped behind a pane of glass just watching your life play out... it was finally gone. In those little lines of blood, she was present, in these woods she could finally feel like she was there, alive as herself, even if just for a few hours.
This was only the beginning. The scratches on her arm were up to a dozen now, but that wasn't enough. Wouldn't be enough for this relapse. After so long, she wanted all the time in the world to finally be present like this again, to just be able to feel something besides misery for just a while longer.
She let the razor fall into her other hand. If both of her arms were covered, the stinging was almost overwhelming. Nothing was going to be able to pierce through so much of her skin yelling at her with pain. The edge sat at the top of her untouched wrist. It was so much easier this time to let it glide down the scarred skin once she'd already gotten going.
"Wallflower?"
The voice cut through the focus of the night and made Wallflower's heart jump as she instinctively jerked her arms close to her chest. She winced as the razor flipped out of her hand, blood from the harsh gash it just inflicted splatted over the metal.
"Hey, I thought I might find you here," Sunset said as her voice moved closer. Wallflower could heal the leaves rustling under her boots with every step. Her heart raced wildly in her chest as she looked for some way to hide the strikes on her arm. Her eyes darted around frantically, but all she could do was curl up and hunch over her marred wrists.
"Is... Is everything alright, Wallflower?" Sunset the crunching of leaves was right behind her now. Wallflower leaned her head away, hoping her 'friend' would just leave her alone.
"Hey, are you--" Wallflower opened her eyes to see Sunset kneeling down right beside her. She instinctively popped up to her feet and took a few steps back, keeping her arms as close to her chest as possible and turned away.
"I'm fine, okay!" she blurted out. Wallflower edged herself closer to the dark shade of the forest. "I just want to be alone right now."
Sunset stood up and blinked a few times. "Oh... Well, I got your text. I texted you back but when I didn't get a response I figured you might be here. What's... what's going on?" Sunset looked down from her friend and into the leaves around her. The garden was littered with Wallflower's haphazardly thrown sweater, her naked phone, and its case, and...
Wallflower closed her eyes and shook her head. The bloody razor. There was no explaining that one. "Is this...?" Sunset knelt down to pick the little strip of metal.
With a quick motion, Wallflower jumped forward and snatched the offending object out of her friend's hands, leaving a couple more cuts on the inside of her palm for good measure. "It's nothing, okay? Please, just go away, Sunset."
A look of intense worry washed over Sunset's face. She tried to crane her neck over her friend's shoulder to see the damage, but Wallflower just hugged her arms tighter in response. "Wallflower... I'm your friend. Why didn't you tell me? I could've..."
Rage boiled up inside Wallflower's stomach. She gritted her teeth and looked away, doing her best not to scream at the girl beside her. "Please, Sunset. Please just go away."
"I'm not going to leave you alone when you need help. You don't have to do this to yourself. We can find anoth--"
"I said leave me alone!" she said as she took another step back. "I don't want to hear it anymore, Sunset. You said you were going to help before. All that happened was I ended up like this again!"
Sunset blinked a few times and took a step back. The sudden, harsh tone left a wounded expression on her face, but Wallflower didn't care. Everything was so messed up... what did it even matter anymore?
"Please, Wallflower. Just let me help you." She took a step forward in the darkness and reached out her hand. "We can get this cleaned up and then--Wo-a-oah!" Wallflower's eyes went wide as Sunset touched her bare arm. In a panic she swung as hard as she could to get away from Sunset's grip, yanking the poor girl down into a nearby rock formation.
Wallflower couldn't help but gasp as she watched Sunset's head bounce off the stone. She took a few steps back as Sunset crumpled to the ground. With a shaky hand, she reached out to her pained friend, panic gripping her again as Sunset gripped her head tightly and let out a few strained whines. With a harsh grimace, Sunset took her hand away from her forehead for just a moment with her body awkwardly draped over the rock formation. Blood coated her hand and that harsh, bright red ran down her soft, orange cheeks. Wallflower's breath quickly caught in her throat at the sight.
You did that
This is your fault
She never should've met you
"I... I... I'm so sorry," Wallflower barely managed to whisper out. Panic tightened up her organs like a vice and despite the scratches across her forearm, her mind went right back to rushing through hundreds of incoherent thoughts that did nothing but add to her terror. "I... I..." She stammered for a moment, her entire body seizing up at the damage she just caused. Wallflower knew she had to do something , but her entire body refused to move and her mind was caught between cursing her own existence and unintelligible fright gripping her every thought.
Wallflower's legs turned of their own accord and she bolted through the untrodden path of fallen sticks and leaves. Her legs sprinted faster than she was ever comfortable with, and her shoes slipped on every other errant twig, sending her stumbling into the leaves as she desperately tried to get away. Images of her friend's bloody face stuck into her mind like an arrow as she ran.
You could've killed her
You didn't even bother to help
You're a monster
You're still holding the razor
Do the world a favor already
No one will miss you
Author's Note
Things will get better. I promise.
A distant banging fills Wallflower's hazed senses. The first few blinks out of her sleep reveal the soft whites and browns of the bathroom on her side of the house. A searing pain emanating up her arm quickly shocks her senses back into her. The cold tile of her bathroom floor sent a quick jolt through her body as it brushed up against her cheek from under her hair and against her bare arm with every new movement. She blinked the haze out of her eyes, trying to piece together what brought her down to this freezing, uncomfortable position on her side. Her right hand snaked its way through the mess of matted, unkempt green hair sprawled across the white tile underneath her for some support. Just had to get back up and find her sweater again. A look down at her forearm brought the memories of the last two days rushing back in. The usual track of scratches on her otherwise light-green skin was almost completely replaced with a solid, bright-red streak of cuts from the bottom of her bicep all the way down to her wrist. As soon as she waved it into the open air, the intense stinging filled her senses and she couldn't help but cringe and clench her fist.
Bad idea. The same searing sensation that awakened her flared up again as soon as she tried to move her pinkie. The discolored gash on her wrist seized her entire body with white-hot pain and sapped all the energy out of her muscles. Wallflower instinctively jerked the limb close to her chest and her entire form shot upright with it as she clenched her teeth tightly in a futile attempt to bear the torment. Something sticky clung to her arms as she pressed her thighs up to them. Once she could finally take a breath, she looked down to see the same wasteland of hundreds of little slashes across her thighs, some of them still producing those little drops of her essence to make a mess across her otherwise-clean bathroom.
Wallflower let her legs extend outwards and rested her head against the wall. The pain had left her shuddering with weakness across every one of her limbs, but something else was creeping in that was much worse. The vice grip of guilt tightening in her abdomen quickly reminded her of why she was here. The blood pouring down Sunset's face... the hours of cowering at home, waiting for the police to come, or someone to tell her that her friend was dead, or Sunset herself coming to attack her for what she'd done. The possibilities flared up Wallflower's already-exhausted adrenal glands and teased her with the kind of crippling panic attack that'd already ended with her passed out in a pool of her own sweat. She swallowed, wincing at the soreness in her dry throat. Wallflower shook her head, silently begging not to relive the feeling of nearly suffocating over her own hyperventilation.
Her trembling hands drooped down to her sides, defeated. Even the intense pain of the fresh gash on her hand didn't keep the lump from forming in her throat. Tears welled up in her eyes as Wallflower stared up at the ceiling. A prisoner in her own body--she lost control the second Sunset's head bounced off of that rock. The cuts adorning her wounded limbs were a feeble attempt to stave off the inevitable and keep the clarity she'd found in the forest, what? Two days ago? Three? Wallflower could hardly even remember any longer. Another series of harsh bangs caused her to jump and tense her arms, sending that horribly intense pain shooting through her arm again, accompanied by the harsh stinging of her fresh cuts waving in the air.
Wallflower gripped her head again and curled up tightly. It was the front door. Breathing became difficult as the thoughts of her inevitable punishment filled her head. She did her best to ignore the harsh rapping echoing throughout her home and looked down to her one savior in all this--the razor she'd grabbed out of Sunset's hands was sitting a few feet away from her, coated in even more blood. At least something might help.
More angry knocks at her door gave Wallflower an uncomfortable jolt. "Please... Just go away..." she whispered.
"Wallflower? Are you there?" Sunset's muffled voice rang out through the door. Wallflower perked up and looked curiously out into the hallway. There wasn't any anger or malice in her voice, just concern somehow. "I've got your sweater and phone."
You'll never be any good for her
Tell her to go away before it's too late
Wallflower clenched her fist and let that intense pain blind her senses again. She pursed her lips as her breathing slowly returned to normal. I should at least apologize... Her first shaky attempt to get on her feet ended up with her on her knees, grasping her wrist with a desperate wince. The second attempt required her weak grip on the sink and ended with her grabbing a nearby bathrobe to cover up the hundreds of red streaks decorating her limbs. With a long, quivering, deep breath, she walked up to the front door, her hand hovering over the knob for a moment. Another knock made her jump, this time with a small yelp.
"Are you home? We're all worried about you. I just want to talk, Wallflower," Sunset said, the worry quickly growing in her voice. With another shaky breath in a weak attempt to calm herself, Wallflower twisted the knob and pulled the wooden door back just enough to get a look at her friend.
Her heart quickly sank and guilt filled her already uneasy stomach once she saw them: stitches. Sunset's forehead bore the evidence of her crimes: dozens of nasty little black wires poked out from under her beautiful red and yellow locks, tarnishing the wonderful face Wallflower looked forward to seeing for the past few weeks.
Sunset breathed a sigh of relief once they locked eyes. "Oh, thank Celestia. When you didn't come to school I thought... well, I'm glad you're okay. Can I come in?" She held up Wallflower's stuff in her hands, a reassuring smile on her face.
A lump formed in Wallflower's throat again as she held the door half open for a moment. Her skin crawled at the thought of having to talk to Sunset for an extended amount of time, but the panic building back up once she realized she was just awkwardly standing there quickly made up her mind. Wallflower softly nodded and opened the door for her friend to come in.
"Where do you want...?" Sunset asked holding up the items again.
Wallflower gulped and coughed for a moment before she could find her voice. "Just... just on the couch is fine." She gripped the bathrobe tightly to herself, making sure not to expose any of her arms as they pressed against her torso.
The phone, neatly back in its case, gently bounced as Sunset set it down with the folded sweater on the ottoman. Wallflower stood there silently, an uncomfortable lump slowly forming in her throat. Her mind swarmed with all the things she should be saying, but as her eyes flicked between Sunset and the floor, she couldn't get any of them to finally flow out of her vocal cords.
"I... I'm really sorry," Sunset said. The words shot a quick jolt of confusion through Wallflower as she furrowed her brow and looked up at the nasty set of little, black strings poking out of Sunset's forehead.
"...what?" Wallflower whispered out as she narrowed her eyes at her friend.
"I've been thinking a lot about how I could have, I don't know... handled all that better." Sunset let out a somber sigh and looked around the dark, silent room. "If I noticed sooner maybe I could've gotten you some sort of help. Maybe if you could just have someone that would work with you, you wouldn't want to mutilate yourself like that. I just... maybe I should've known sooner."
Wallflower's fists tightened so hard her nails threatened to open the skin on her palms. Her teeth clenched hard as that familiar anger bubbled up inside her chest. So many years of ridicule every time she lifted her sleeve surfaced in her mind. Years of no one ever bothering to understand, just shoving her off onto other people that never cared, never really doing anything to help. A lifetime of being the ignored loser was all her mind could focus on, and all Wallflower could see in front of her was another 'friend' eager to shove her off onto someone else. "Someone that would work with me? Mutilate myself? Are you fucking serious, Sunset?"
The air quickly became tense between them as Sunset took a step back and blinked a few times in terrified confusion. "W-what? I didn't mean--"
Wallflower silently fumed for a few moments as her glare attacked the floor. All she could think of was the feeling of constant isolation even in a crowd over the last few weeks, and Sunset's sweet, little, false promises. "After all that talk about us being friends and me never having to be alone again, you're just going to shove me off onto someone else when it looks like I actually need help? You... you... you lied to me! You told me things would be different now, you stood there and told me to my face that it wouldn't be like before. Yet here you are all high-and-mighty to tell me that the one thing that ever really helped me to not feel like I have to die just so I could escape all of this is on par with disfiguring myself or slicing off limbs. All your friends and all those people that actually care about you and you just set me aside like I was just supposed to magically get better in your presence."
Wallflower shut her eyes tight and tried to stifle the malice coursing through her system so hot her arms were already shaking. "I thought you'd really changed when you said you wanted to help... but you don't care. You never cared. You play this stupid, innocent princess act because the old you wasn't going to get you popular anymore. All you ever cared about was yourself... how many friends you could pile up that worshiped you, how many people that would just fawn over the idea of even getting to be friends with the school's reformed queen on her throne. You're not fooling me. I know you don't care, so just stop pretending already!" The last words out of her mouth left a harsh rasp in her throat that told her she'd escalated up to yelling. She opened her eyes, expecting to see the old Sunset glaring back at her ready to deliver a cutting retort, but what she saw was so much worse than any insult that could ever be said.
Tears.
Wallflower's heart immediately seized at the sight and her breath quickly caught in her throat. Guilt flooded through her system as the memories of the last time she saw Sunset cry rushed to her head. Moments before Sunset gave her that single bit of hope she'd always wanted with her outstretched hand and caring smile, she was collapsed on the pavement as the memories of the people she loved being ripped out of her mind. That familiar twinge of sympathy and remorse at those dampened cheeks appeared yet again. The anger washed out of Wallflower as she stared at her friend, her mouth hanging open as she desperately wished she could just erase this moment too. A glance up at Sunset's forehead and those nasty black strands made Wallflower cringe and look down at the floor.
Some apology
You don't deserve friends
You ruin everything you touch
She'd be better off without you
"I... I didn't..." Sunset blinked a few times then gently patted her sleeve against her cheeks. "I just wanted to help... I..." her voice cracked as she tried to form her next sentence.
Wallflower hugged her arms tightly against her chest, the blood on her forearms leaving an uncomfortable wetness against her skin as she moved the sleeves around. A second glance up was an immediate mistake—seeing Sunset's pleading stare at her poked more holes in her paper-thin shield against her own mind. Wallflower shut her eyes as tightly as she could, but there was no hiding anymore.
This is why no one likes you
What a terrible person you are
She'd be better off with out you
You're a lost cause
You make everything worse
Her efforts are wasted on you
Her life is worse because of you
Do the world a favor already
No one will miss you
The world would be better off without you
"Wallflower?" Sunset asked, her voice raised in concerned. Wallflower had to blink a few times to let her vision focus back in. Instead of standing by the couch, Sunset was across the room in front of her with a hand on her shoulder. Those teary teal eyes looked between her own with that genuine remorse that scraped lines of guilt into her heart yet again. "Would that be okay?"
"Would... what?"
"If you could tell me what I could do to help," she said, a strange desperation in her eyes that made Wallflower jerk her shoulder out from Sunset's grasp and take a step back to keep some personal space between them.
Wallflower's eyes drifted away, her mind hazed and confused as she struggled to process what she just heard between the constant gnawing of the thoughts to take control again. "I... you can't..."
"There has to be something, right? Something I can do so you'll stop doing..." Sunset took another step forward to grab Wallflower's hand. "...this!" she said as she turned over her wrist to reveal the harsh gash and the dozens of others.
"Agh!" a piercing scream left Wallflower's lungs at the twisting of that gnarly wound. Sunset winced and took a step back as her friend clutched her arm close and found a nearby wall to steady herself on.
"I'm sorry..." Sunset stretched out a hand to help, but hesitated before her fingers could make contact.
The searing pain returned, spreading an uncomfortable weakness throughout Wallflower's entire body as her mind refused to focus on anything else. She looked down to find a fresh trail of blood dripping out of the open wound, quickly staining her bathrobe a gloomy shade of red.
"Maybe we should get you to a hospital. That doesn't look—"
Wallflower let out an annoyed grunt with a hint of the pain seizing her. "Can you just please stop." She took a moment to catch her breath and force her fatigued legs to keep her from falling down the wall completely. "I'm sorry I yelled at you, Sunset, but let's just stop pretending."
Sunset blinked a few times with a puzzled look. "Huh?"
"I know you don't care," Wallflower said, her voice low and weak. "It was a nice thought, but even sitting right beside you every day at lunch I've been the outcast. The odd one out. No one wants me there and the only reason you haven't told me to buzz off is because it'd make you look bad. Well you don't have to pretend anymore with me. I know I'm not as smart as you, but I can still see when someone is just putting up with me." Wallflower's eyes made sure to stare at the wall—anywhere but Sunset right now. As the room fell silent, her truth started to sink in; finally saying it all out loud put an uncomfortable lump in her throat as she realized just how little she was really worth. Saying it out loud just brought it out into reality, making the unfortunate truth that much more real.
"Wallflower... you know that isn't true," Sunset said, taking another step in to touch her again.
Wallflower flinched, keeping Sunset's caring hand at bay. "I know it is true... that's why I'm saying it. Please just... just stop giving me that false hope that you actually care, that things might actually be different. It just makes everything worse."
"I..." Another crack interrupted Sunset's voice and her eyes trailed down to the floor again. "That isn't the truth, Wallflower. Please, just tell me what I can do to prove to you that I do care."
Wallflower let out a frustrated huff and hugged herself tighter against the wall. "Why? So you can pretend to care for a week or two then go back to pretending everything is fine?" Wallflower winced as her arm throbbed and held it tighter to her chest, still making sure her eyes were focused dutifully down the hall. "Please, Sunset... if you didn't want me around in the first place I wish you would just be honest about it so we didn't have to drag this out anymore."
"I do want you around and I do want to be friends. Please just believe me, or at least tell me what I can do to prove it." Sunset wiped her cheeks with her leather sleeve and did her best to put on an aura of determination through her own hurt. "Maybe I haven't been the best friend to you lately... I'm sorry for that and I want to make it up to you... I just need us to talk about how so things can get better. Would that—"
Sunset stretched out a comforting hand again, but before Sunset could make contact, Wallflower pushed herself off of the wall and took a few shaky steps away, making sure to hold her injured arm close so maybe it'd stop making her grit her teeth in pain every time her heart would beat. "I just want to be alone right now, okay? If you want to help then just leave me alone."
"Do you really think that's a good idea right now? I really think things could be better if we just talked for a moment or something. Having a friend around might help you to realize you don't need to... you know... hurt yourself."
Wallflower let out a somber sigh and whispered to herself. "I don't have any friends..."
"But I... we're..."
"Please, Sunset. I just want to be alone right now. Can't we do this some other time?" Wallflower asked with a whimper of desperation in her voice.
Sunset swallowed before letting off a reluctant nod. "If that's what you want... Just please don't think I don't care. If there's anything I can do, anything at all, please just tell me."
Wallflower didn't bother answering her. The constant stress of knowing someone was right behind her waiting for an answer just made her all the more uncomfortable with each passing second of silence they both sat in. Sunset cleared her throat and spoke softly. "I'll... I'll text you soon, okay?"
Another awkward silence filled the room until Sunset finally accepted her request and left out of her front door with a gentle, careful click of the latch. Wallflower finally let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding and looked down to her injury; blood had stained the inside of her sleeve and coated her arm like an over-decorated Christmas tree. Wooziness made her feel uneasy on her feet and only some simplistic, instinctual part of her brain leaned her in the direction to tumble back towards the bathroom.
All that managed to stick in Wallflower's memory after that was the blinding pain of alcohol in an open wound and the haphazardly-applied bandage on her wrist as she stumbled back into her living room. The throbbing feeling that enveloped her senses was finally starting to fade when she dropped to her knees in front of her couch's ottoman. Sunset had carefully folded her sweat and placed her phone on top, and as soon Wallflower touched the material she could tell Sunset even went over it with a lint roller for her. The second the wool touched her hand she couldn't help but put her favorite piece of clothing back on. The world might have been an awful, uncaring place, but at least there was always the feeling of that soft, comfy sweater clinging to her body like an ever-present hug from someone that'd never leave.
Just as she pulled her hair free from the grasp of her sweater, Wallflower noticed something else sitting on the ottoman with her phone: two colorful plastic bags bound together with a rubber band, with a piece of notebook paper folded up on the bottom. Her curious hand pulled the bags apart to reveal some chewy candy and wrapped chocolates. She raised an eyebrow as she held the bags up, then unfolded the paper.
It was her. At least, it was a little super hero version of her. A cute chibi drawing of her in a cool-looking purple and black costume with vines whipping around her and knives shaped like petals in hands. Next to her tiny avatar was Sunset in her own hero costume with both of them looking away with confident smiles to some unseen enemy they were about to fight.
Sometimes it feels like your battle is just too much, so for times like those we have lots of candy and our best friends to come out on top!
- Sunset <3
The paper trembled in the dark living room, even with both of Wallflower's hands gripping it tight. The silence was broken by little, wet pats onto the sheet, leaving dark spots wherever they fell. Wallflower did her best to gently place it back onto the ottoman before her tears soaked it completely.
Both of her hands came up to her eyes as she leaned back and let out a frustrated groan at herself. "What the hell is wrong with me?" her pained voice whimpered up into the air. With a pathetic whine she curled up on her knees, her hands still pressed tightly against her face. "I'm so sorry, Sunset," she whispered, hoping that somehow the universe would make things okay and tell her she didn't mean any of it. She wanted to bang her head against the wall for telling Sunset to leave; she wanted her best friend's... her only friend's company now more than ever, but she knew at this point Sunset was walking home in the cold thinking that Wallflower hated her.
Wallflower clenched her fists as her mind finally cleared from its temporary haze. Every little word she said to her friend, all the harsh inflections, and all Sunset wanted was to help. Tears streamed down her face with every new thought and that familiar anger bubbled up inside her yet again. Another relationship ruined forever. She let her hands fall to her waist, gripping tightly against herself so hard that her fingernails threatened to tear into her palms. Hate swirled through her veins at her own stupidity, her own inability to just make things work out for once.
Wallflower shook her head and grit her teeth. "God, I'm such a worthless idiot," she whispered harshly to herself. All the pain and suffering of her high school years welled up to a head in her mind again, but she refused to resent it any longer—she knew she deserved it. A myriad of ways she could hurt herself popped into her mind, a catalogue of punishments she felt might be appropriate for someone so undeserving of sympathy. Her flare of emotions settled as her mind took off with the possibilities. Cutting felt so asymmetric now, it had to be so much worse for what she really deserved for being such a nuisance to the world.
Nothing but the occasional sniff filled the room now as Wallflower stared blankly at her couch. Her house was quiet, peaceful even, at least to anyone else that might see it. To Wallflower, the walls surrounding her felt like a cage where she was trapped in with herself, like a lion circling its victim in a coliseum. There was no escape anymore and she knew she deserved every last second of torment and negativity she was due. It was only right after the way she just acted. The only movement anymore left was the occasional drip from her cheek while Wallflower sat stiff on her knees with her unfocused eyes looking at nothing. She was hardly even on this plane of existence anymore as her mind slowly took over. Even the constant, sharp pain of her cuts was barely a distant memory as the world faded away, leaving her with the familiar prodding of the truth swirling in her thoughts.
Do the world a favor
You've caused enough trouble for one life time
It'll never end well, might as well save everyone the trouble
You didn't even apologize
Everyone would be better off without you
Everyone that tries to help you is worse off because of it
Just do it already
It's time
No one is going to miss me
A rope would be easy
I can't bother anyone with it
They'll be glad I'm gone
I'll only make things worse by staying
I know a good place
Everyone is going to hate me eventually anyway
Everyone will be happier
It's what I deserve
They won't even notice I'm gone
I was always worthless anyway
It's a favor to the world
I've only ever been an annoyance
Nothing was ever going to change
My life was never going to end any other way
It's time
A dim ray of light spilled through Wallflower's living room window as she stared out of it. Her limp form had been sprawled across her couch for who knows how long now. Her crossed arms supported her chin against the back of her seat as her blurred eyes stared meaninglessly into the overcast grays of the sky scarred by the dead, waving, brown branches as they thrashed about in the wind. The stiffness and aching of her entire body was the only thing that reminded her she was even alive anymore. Pain was only a gentle reminder for her and her usual distraction had lost its effect.
Wallflower's eyes flicked up to unconsciously check the clouds. Her tired eyes didn't really care what time it was anymore, but she still had to wonder if it was morning or evening anymore, since at this point she couldn't tell if she'd just gotten two hours of sleep or sixteen. Either way she ended up exhausted, so in the end it didn't matter all that much. All that mattered now was that she was still trapped in this world, frozen and stiff on the couch as her mind planned out the end.
The snap. It was all she could think about in between the wounding whispers of the truth tearing at her. The final snap she'd ever have to hear at the end of the rope... it was like fantasizing about a much-needed beach vacation for anyone else. The entire world had melted away for her and the only thing she could ever imagine wanting anymore was the wet crack of her own bones and the subsequent darkness that would finally take her away. Every time her mind drifted away from the fantasy, it flooded her with the memories of her endless misery: all the days spent alone and ignored, all the nights spent dragging a razor across her body just to have a few minutes of peace, all the friends she thought she made that only ever threw her away when they found someone more interesting, and the friend she just threw away after almost killing her...
It was for the best
She'll be better off without me
Sunset will be so much happier with me dead
Everyone will be happier...
I'd only ever mess things up more
All my friendships will end with them hating me
The world will be a better place with me gone
Wallflower took in a breath as her vision unfocused yet again. She wondered how many more breaths she'd have to take today before it was finally over. Not too many more, hopefully. She wanted to hop up off the couch and finally just get it over with, to finally satisfy the urge. She had fantasized about every little step she'd take for so long now and now the only thing left in her plan was to execute it, but calling on her body to do anything right now was a struggle. Wallflower could only take in a deep breath as she settled deeper into the couch. Every attempt at movement was like trying to send a message by mail to an unresponsive recipient halfway across the country. She could hardly even feel her body any longer, and now even her own presence in this world felt like it was a million miles away, being watched from another dimension behind a barrier where she no longer had control.
Finally, Wallflower managed to flex her wrist, sending a jolt of pain through her body that slammed her consciousness back into her body. It was almost time. Wallflower glanced down at the pile of rope sitting beside her on the couch—the dull, brown strands snaked around itself until it finally culminated in a wrapped section holding a loop. The noose was easy enough to learn how to make before she passed out whenever she had. Amazing the things you can manage to do when you finally have a purpose.
With her sudden lucidity, Wallflower pushed herself off of the couch and somehow managed to keep steady on her feet. The empty shell of her body felt numb and unresponsive outside of her wrist. After so many hours of letting the little truths drag her away from this world, pushing her closer towards oblivion, she hardly even felt present anymore.
The awkward shambling of her shoes against the carpet broke the silence as she made her way into her room and flipped on the light. The sudden, intense brightness stuck daggers into her aching mind and she had to wince away as her closed eyes acclimated. Each time she blinked for a moment the array of colors in her room only aggravated the headache building in her mind from the lack of sleep. Wallflower could only put this off for so long though. As much as the distant hint of nervousness clawed at her stomach through the void, she didn't want to leave forever without this one last thing.
The carpet welcomed Wallflower as she slowly settled her aching body to the floor. It was a meaningless comfort to wrap her arms around her knees and hold them tightly to her chest, but she gave it to herself anyway for the moment to come. She lethargically looked around the assortment of junk, trinkets, and pictures she'd set up on the floor and on her desk, the typically messy top filled with papers and folders now adorning all of the little things that held the better memories of her life: her favorite dolls and toys from her childhood, little plastic animals that she spent so many hours pretending with, little lego creations she was proud enough of to never take apart, an assortment of stuffed animals that brought a happy smile on scary nights, and even tiny figures made out of twigs, pipe cleaners, and popsicle sticks she'd made with a girl she was best friends with in first grade. Wallflower let out a tired sigh; that girl had probably forgotten about her long ago.
Pictures of vacations she'd been on with her dad, pictures of her in a group of kids where she tried so hard to be a part of some club to make friends, pictures of she'd printed out the few times she got invited to do things with Sunset... they all sat up against the legs and against books she had stacked up, painting a picture of times in her life when she knew how to smile.
Along with everything else sat an assortment of what would probably be junk to anyone else: an old, stiff dog collar from the one friend that was always happy to see her in her childhood, a stack of birthday and holiday cards from her grandparents and extended family she never could bring herself to throw away, a random bottlecap from an adventure she had with some other kids during a summer camp, the broken handle from a plastic shovel she used to plant her first flower, a bunch of crumpled papers filled with silly notes she passed back and forth with a boy in sixth grade, a broken charm bracelet her dad bought for her... just to name a few sentimental pieces that were scattered across the floor now. In the center of it all, the drawing Sunset did of the both of them in their little superhero costumes—a sweet reminder of the last person that ever really tried for her.
Wallflower looked over all of them, a lump forming in her throat as she did her best to enjoy the happy memories flooding into her mind. Each memory that had even an inkling of joy pulled her a little closer to reality as she closed her eyes and tried to take herself back to that place. She could never quite come back though, as the quick flashes and sudden feelings quickly faded into an endless void and her mind struggled to concentrate or visualize anything. A hint of frustration yelled through the fog as she desperately tried to feel those joys again. She wanted to let out an irritated groan at her own swarming thoughts, but she opened her eyes to find tears streaming out of them instead.
Wallflower touched her face to feel the sudden wetness as the drops stained her cheeks. She could sense the sorrow gripping at her body—all the lost time and lost memories filling her with a somber realization that it was over—but Wallflower couldn't really feel any of it. Her body worked of its own accord to mourn the life she could have had, but her, her consciousness, it could only sit back and watch as her body went through the motions. The disconnect brought with it an uncomfortable confusion as she watched herself cry over her favorite memories and the fact that she'd never make anymore again.
It was like looking at herself through a wall of glass, stretching out infinitely only to focus in on the body she once occupied. The emptiness filled her yet again as she tried to focus in on the tears as they fell, reminding her that she might as well already be dead. In a little while it wouldn't make much of a difference anyway. Once the little display of all her lost joy had been properly etched into her mind, Wallflower did her best to convince her body to finally get up. Wasting time would only give her more excuses to chicken out again, to be stuck here under the torture of her own reminders even longer. Not wanting to waste another second to face that reality again, Wallflower slowly climbed up her desk, giving one last glance at the suicide note she'd been trying to properly work out for months now.
The handwritten note was adorned with hundreds of apologies for not being good enough, for all the stupid things she'd done over the years to push people away, telling everyone how this would be a good thing in the end, and well-wishes and apologies to the last friend she ever had. Wallflower figured Sunset would've liked to hear that she did brighten up her life, at least a little—it was the least she could do after wasting so much of Sunset's time on a lost cause.
With her final preparations checked, Wallflower solemnly and silently walked over to the couch and scooped up her length of rope in her arms. She pushed open the sliding back door and didn't bother to close it behind her. Part of her screamed to stay, to not let this be the last time she left the comfort of her home forever, but she knew better than to listen. The wood of their covered deck creaked as she stepped out onto it and felt that rush of cold wind flow in and brush her hair off of her shoulders. It was finally time; Wallflower knew this time she wouldn't be coming back.
Wallflower did her best to ignore the memories of her childhood flooding back to tempt her away. All the things she and her Dad had talked about back there, all the times they'd played together when she was just a kid, they all tugged at her mind, trying to distract her from her last mission. Wallflower's distant expression barely budged as she took her first step into the leaves, adding a resounding crunch to the howl of the wind through the barren trees. Wallflower took in a deep breath, her tired eyes tracing up to the bare limbs scratching against the sky with their gnarled and empty tips. The world was nothing but dull and empty greys and browns anymore and it seemed fitting that she'd never be able to see them bloom again.
Wallflower followed her familiar path through the woods. It was only a five-minute walk to the tree she'd spent so much of her life simply staring at. Her mind found a new purpose in thinking about how she'd handle everything. The strongest branch was only a few steps away up the knots in the trunk, and just high enough to make sure the drop would do the trick. Wallflower knew exactly where she was going to put the knot, exactly where she was going to jump, and exactly where her body was going to hang until someone had the misfortune of finding her. A pang of guilt whispered somewhere in her body at the thought, but she was way too numb by now to even properly register it. There was only one thing she was really worried about anymore.
The woods around Wallflower were completely silent aside from the crunching of the leaves under her feet and the wind straining against the limbs as they swayed in the air. Her mind nipped at her with every step, trying to tear her down with those awful truths, but the fantasy dominated her mind. Every step brought her closer to that final snap, the very last thing she'd ever have to see as the force of her body trying to meet the ground finally took her away. It's all she ever wanted to think about anymore, the only thing that brought her any relief. Her body walked almost as if on autopilot towards her final destination. In a few minutes it would finally be over and Wallflower couldn't bear to waste another second.
The tree in question finally came into view, it's thick branch stemming out from another in contrast from the taller trunks around it. The sight brought a subtle sense of relief to her as Wallflower sorted out the rope in her hands. She stared down at the fibers in her grasp, her heart speeding up as the reality of it started to dawn on her. This was really happening this time. It would finally be over.
She stretched out the rope and did her best to sling it over the right place in the branch. Her feeble, trembling arms didn't feel the most cooperative, giving herself a little time to tear at herself as she pulled in the rope after it slumped into the leaves yet again. Panic teased the edges of her stomach with the building frustration of every throw, but once the rope finally swung in place over the branch, the emptiness returned to set her back on her mission. Today had to be the day. No messing up this time.
Wallflower made her all-too-familiar climb up the stumps sticking out of the trunk, the gnarled, sharp wood on the first step sending a little pain through her shoe to keep her focused. There were only subtle whispers of the emotions her body should be feeling anymore: anxiety wanted to rattle her as she looked down to the leaves below, imagining the drop and the pain that could come with it, but Wallflower didn't care anymore. Her eyes focused in on the lump in the branch, her fingers twisting the rope around to make sure it would remain tight. It was a little close to the tree, but what difference would it make if her body bounced against it? Would still get it done. It was only a job anymore. The emotion, the panic, the fear... it was all worlds away as her deadpan expression stared at her hand tugging at the rope to make sure it would hold.
Only one more thing to check. Wallflower made the journey back down the tree to check her own measurements. Wasn't the first time she's been out here, and she knew almost everything she needed to make this perfect. Her feet crunched the leaves underneath her as she came back to the earth, her eyes centered on that dull, brown loop joining the mangled limbs in scarring the sky. Wallflower leaned up on her tiptoes to check if her chin could reach the bottom of the rope. Thankfully not. The height was tall enough, the rope far enough off the ground... should be instant.
She only needed one last climb. Somewhere deep in the back of her mind, a voiced screamed to stop, to think about what this would mean and all she would leave behind, but Wallflower ignored it. Her flat expression refused any emotion as she climbed her way back up the tree with the end of the rope in her hand. The only thing she could feel in the vast emptiness of the shell that had once been her was relief, relief that the torture of the last few years was finally going to be over.
Wallflower looked down into the dead browns and greys of the ground one last time before slipping the noose over her neck and pulling it tight behind her. A weak sense of panic tried to seize her at the feeling of the scratchy strands against her throat, but they fell on an uncaring mind. Wallflower did her best to remind herself of the pain of these last few years, the endless rows of tears across her forearms the only thing that ever gave her any relief. The last panicked cries from the side of her that didn't want to do this were quelled in the horrible memories. This would be a good thing for everyone in the end and Wallflower closed her eyes to do her best to internalize that.
It was finally time.
The sound of the soft brushing of the wind against the trees faded out of existence as Wallflower lost herself completely. The world became black static as she let out her final, shaky breath into the uncaring world. She could almost hear the void calling her name as her senses faded away.
She took the last step off of the tree and felt the sudden fear of the drop as her body fell through the air, but it was finally here. The last thoughts shot through her mind in the fall, ushering her to the other side at the end of that snap.
It's finally over
It was time
Everyone will be so much better without me
My last favor to the world
Goodbye...
Pain.
It wasn't supposed to hurt. It was supposed to be over in an instant and she'd be gone forever. The sudden, intense pain of something smashing against her tailbone caused her entire spine to stiffen with the intense jolt. The instant snap she'd fantasized about for so long never came—in its place was a harsh jerk against her neck that felt like it crushed something integral and stretched out even more. Panic quickly seized Wallflower's entire body as the searing pain of the rope scratching into her throat and crushing any attempt to breathe became her whole world. Brown spots spread across her vision and the world threatened to slip away as she desperately clawed at the strands strangling her. She twisted and thrashed in the air, but for some reason she couldn't sway at all.
Then she felt it; hands darted around her lower body and she could hear the panicked cries of someone underneath her. The noose was too tight for anyone to do anything from the ground at this point, so all Wallflower could do was grip at the rope as the air refused to enter her lungs. Tears quickly formed at the edge of her blurring vision as she violently jerked at both of the ends grabbing at her.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a blue hand reach towards her from the tree, slipping a few fingers under the rope and haphazardly yanking it away from her chin. Finally, the harsh grip against her neck gave way and Wallflower fell backward onto the earth again. The meeting of her back with the dirt sent another harsh wave of pain through her body, but she cried out in agony at the feeling of something sharp jutting out of the dirt making contact with her skull. She felt the splitting of skin, but the pain quickly dulled as her blurred vision watched the stars the impact made dance in the clouds.
Wallflower did her best to take in a breath as the edges of her vision darkened, but nothing would come. Intense pain shot through her throat at every attempt to breathe and her limbs slowly lost their ability to move at all. The last, blurry vision should make out was that familiar head of red and yellow hair crawling towards her, a harsh grimace on her face and a limp arm hanging at her side. She crawled over to Wallflower's form, lifting her head up to face those panicked teal eyes. She'd never seen Sunset so scared before, but Wallflower couldn't bring herself to react. As the world faded away, she could only see Sunset looking down at her like a scared child might a dying pet.
The colors of the world blended together as Wallflower's consciousness faded. The dull red of Sunset's waving hair over her was met with a stark contrast of the bright red flowing freely down her arm and spreading over Wallflower's sweater. Whose blood was that? Wallflower looked down to try to see, but her throat sent a searing pain through her neck, reminding her that breathing wasn't something she could do anymore.
Wallflower let her head fall back into Sunset's hand as the edges of her vision turned dark. Sensations slowly faded, and she could hardly even comprehend anything any longer. Sunset barked something out into the woods, but it was like trying to listen to something from the bottom of the lake. The dull greys of the overcast sky were all that was left of the world as darkness closed in on her vision... but there was something else at the end.
A leaf. A hint of green in the dull, barren sky. The last holdout of a harsh Autumn. The last tint of color from the world before it all faded to black.
