Of Pink Cheeses and Cactus People

by Carnelian-Fox

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Cheese Sandwich, Comedy, Random, Maud Pie, Pinkie Pie, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4699

Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich decide to elope. In doing so, they may get more than they bargained for.

Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich, who have always thrown parties for others, decide they want to elope instead of hosting an extravagant wedding for themselves. In their view, the perfect place to have their wedding away from home is Dodge Junction. Little do they know that the desert town has had unwelcome guests as of late.

Published 2020-01-02 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-02 21:30:01 UTC

The Super Duper Party Ponies Have Done It Again

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE ELOPING?!” Pinkie Pie’s friends asked, stunned at the revelation presented by the pink party pony and her fiancé, Cheese Sandwich. It had been six months since Twilight’s coronation as the predominant ruling princess of Equestria and the founding of the Council of Friendship. The first few meetings had been rocky as the sextet of mares had taken an official approach to the council aspect of their meetings. It had been Pinkie who had brought up that the purpose of the council was to keep their friendship alive and not, as she put it, “leave it on the cooling rack forever”.

“Well, we’ve known each other for a while and we’ve been constantly getting closer since the whole factory thing. It just feels right, and I didn’t wanna tell you girls without Twilight and Spike here,” Pinkie elaborated as Cheese wrapped a foreleg around her and held her close.

“Yeah, we get that, but why elope? You’re both party planners, so don’t you think it’d make more sense to plan a whole big sha-bang for your wedding instead of skipping town?” Rainbow Dash inquired, just as perplexed as the rest of her companions.

“We talked about that after I popped the question,” Cheese spoke up. “At first, we were really psyched about planning a big wedding for everyone, but the more we talked about it, the more it didn’t feel right. See, Pinkie and I plan parties to make other ponies laugh and smile. It’s more fulfilling to us to give somepony else their day.”

“Some creature else,” Pinkie corrected.

“Thank you, cutie pie,” Cheese thanked, giving his fiancée’s frizzy mane an affectionate nuzzle. “We’re not picky about parties. The point is, it’s just not who we are to throw a shindig for ourselves, even if it is our wedding.”

“I guess I see yer point, but where in the hay do ya plan on going?” Applejack asked, somewhat at ease by the memories of Pinkie’s parties flooding back to her and how they had always been for other ponies. She even recounted how her party planning friend had forgotten her own birthday in the throes of her passion.

“Dodge Junction!” the poofy-maned duo replied as they beamed at the mares and Spike, who had been taking down every detail of this meeting in a particularly long scroll.

There was a brief moment of silence before none other than Twilight broke into a fit of giggles. It was her turn to receive a smorgasbord of confused gazes. The Princess of Friendship locked eyes with Pinkie and Cheese when the giggling started to die down. “It’s just like you two to not want to throw a party for yourselves. If you have any paperwork that still needs signing, I can take care of it for you right now and forward it to Dodge Junction.”

“Aww, Twilight,” Pinkie cooed in response before lunging at the princess for a hug. The two friends toppled over, laughing together.

“Well, now that that’s sorted out, when do you two leave?” Rarity asked, set completely at ease by Twilight’s calm and reassuring demeanor.

“Oh, right! Tomorrow,” Cheese answered.

“TOMORROW?!” Once more, the rest of the Council was stunned.

“Sorry to spring this on you last minute, but we only just decided on the eloping two weeks ago. We made all the arrangements already. I just didn’t want to disappear and then come back and be like ‘hey, girls, I’m married’. I think we work too efficiently for our own good,” Pinkie explained, her soft blue eyes distraught from the shocked tones of her friends’ voices.

“Well, you know I’m not going to fault you for that,” Twilight assured her as the two of them got to their hooves. “Only you could plan an entire getaway wedding in just two weeks.”

Fluttershy, who had remained characteristically quiet throughout the duration of the meeting, finally brought some attention to herself when she asked the first major question to come to her mind that had not been addressed by anypony else. “Is Maud going to be there?”

“Oh, yeah! You should have seen the way she lit up when I told her we were going to Dodge Junction. Guess what! She’s there right now! Something about researching the composition of the sand,” Pinkie answered enthusiastically.

“They really should change their town slogan to ‘Sand! It’s everywhere! Get used to it’,” Cheese claimed, his right foreleg outstretched and tracing along the air as if pointing out the words on some imaginary town sign. Rainbow Dash stifled a fit of sputtering laughter at the sound of Cheese’s new town slogan for Dodge Junction, trying to decide what the maximum amount of bits she would pay to see that would be.

Spike, having been scribbling furiously on the scroll, stopped for the first time since the revelation of Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich’s engagement and rapidly approaching wedding in his own efforts to stifle his chuckling. There were plenty of places in Equestria and beyond that he felt would be deserving of similar slogans, if only to increase the amount of humor present in those areas. Something in his gut told him that Silverstream, being a particularly agreeable hippogriff, would get behind the idea of Seaquestria having a slogan of ‘Water! It’s everywhere! Get used to it’.

“Well, if tomorrow’s when you leave, then we feast tonight!” Twilight announced, reclaiming the attention of her friends. “In honor of Pinkie and Cheese, the frizziest bride and groom Equestria has ever known!”

Twilight, while sticking to modest and common meals most days to not lose touch with her roots, only ever saw to it that her friends would have the finest food when the Council of Friendship met. Once a month, her chefs felt that they were living up to their own expectations. Wheat steaks, seasoned with sage and rosemary, found their way to the seven ponies, along with carrot sides and apple cider. Spike had had a plate of gemstones, courtesy of Rarity.

Pinkie and Cheese were eagerly divulging their future plans to the mare’s friends, including how they wanted to wait before having foals of their own, how they wanted to negotiate with the Cakes about having financial stake in Sugarcube Corner so that they wouldn’t have to outsource for the confectionary delights that would go into their parties and how they would reach out to Cheese’s old gag factory to buy joke paraphernalia in bulk for laughter classes in the School of Friendship, or otherwise ask Sans Smirk to devote a percentage of the factory’s budget for instruments of humor-based education.

The loving couple held the limelight for most of the meal, yielding every now and then to discuss animals, projected trends and a vast array of topics that covered the scope of their interests and beyond. After dinner, Cheese and Pinkie turned in early in the hopes of getting plenty of rest before the big trip to initiate their big day. However, that wasn’t what happened. The two Earth Ponies had spent most of the night giggling in their excitement. Tomorrow wasn’t just another day. It was the first step toward every tomorrow afterward.

Twilight arose from her slumber to bring forth the dawn, pleased that Fluttershy had been up with her. The alicorn concentrated her magic and reached for the moon sun with her magic. It was not an easy task for her, but it got easier every day. Her focus always started off primarily on the moon, and when the moon was almost out of view, she would pull on the sun and summon its presence.

“I wish every creature was able to enjoy the sunrise,” Fluttershy murmured, watching as the celestial body peaked over the visible horizon. The oranges, yellows faded into the blues as the night was slowly driven back. “Pinkie and Cheese are going to be so excited when they get up.” Birds began their early morning songs, and Fluttershy closed her eyes and relished the rising solar radiance and the birds’ resounding acapella.

“Yeah. Hey, Fluttershy? What do the birds sing about in the morning?” Twilight inquired curiously. She was not keen on the language of animals, so the information from somepony who was would more than satiate her curiosity.

“Every song is different,” Fluttershy replied, her eyes still closed. “These birds are singing about how it’s worm season.”

“O-oh,” Twilight stuttered, caught off guard by that response. The circle of life certainly was cruel, but in a sense, it was nice that some creatures were able to make the most of it.

“Your Highness, there’s a matter that requires your attention,” one of the guards, a light blue Pegasus mare with a sapphire mane and braided tail, copper colored eyes and a crossed-swords Cutie Mark, called for Twilight as she stepped onto the balcony.

“What is it, Regalia?” Twilight inquired. Barely 60 seconds into the morning and something had already been the matter. “My little ponies aren’t trying to partake in worm season, too, are they?”

“W-what?! No! No, no, no, no, no. It’s about Councilpony Pie and Mr. Sandwich,” the guard, Regalia Cross, informed the princess. “They’re…half conscious. I’m not sure how to approach this.”

“Are they in the kitchen?”

“Yes, but—”

Before Regalia could finish her thought, she, Fluttershy and Twilight were in the kitchen to a droopy-eyed Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich. The guard pony wondered if she would ever get used to the disorienting rush of teleportation. She had hoped so, as her princess seemed quite fond of the spell. Pinkie passed a mug of cream to Cheese, who was chewing on what were probably coffee beans. The stallion nodded graciously before downing the mug of cream and the tooth-ground beans. His entire body shook before he looked Twilight dead in the eye with a huge grin on his face.

“Thank you for the hospitality and the beans!” Cheese thanked the princess with the confidence of an entire platoon of her royal guard, or one Rainbow Dash.

“How much did you sleep?” Fluttershy inquired.

“Maybe,” Pinkie yawned in reply. “We were so excited that it was hard to fall asleep.”

“I’ll boil a pot of water for tea and coffee,” Fluttershy volunteered. “If that’s okay with you, Twilight. I don’t want to intrude.”

“Please do, Fluttershy,” Twilight permitted before turning her attention to Pinkie and Cheese. Twilight sighed. “I know it’s not your fault, but you have a train to get on soon and a wedding that you need to be ready for.”

“Good morning!” Rarity sang was she trotted into the kitchen with a candy-themed dress and a bread-themed tuxedo bound in the aura of her magic.

“Is that…?” Pinkie asked, eyes lighting up as she eyed the dress.

“I had to take something old to make it new and for you, but I want one of my best friends to be her best and most beautiful self on her wedding day, even if it is in the middle of nowhere,” Rarity told her, pulling her into a hug. The dress was, rather than a stark white, an off-white tinted with the lightest of pink hues. Yellow lollipops and blue balloons were embroidered along the trim. “It’s something old and something new. The balloons are something blue. Now you just need something borrowed.”

“That old wedding superstition?” Rainbow Dash called out as she hovered in, Applejack close behind her.

“You are something blue; you don’t understand the struggle!” Rarity exclaimed.

“I didn’t say anything was wrong with it,” Rainbow Dash retorted with a silly grin on her face. Applejack approached Pinkie, taking her signature Stetson off her own head and placing it on the puffy mane of her pinkest friend.

“Something borrowed,” Applejack stated with a soft smile on her freckle-adorned face. “Happy nuptials, Pinkie.”

“You guys, c’mon, I’m gonna cry…!” Pinkie exclaimed with tears of joy welled up in her eyes, like a dam fit to burst. Her companions surrounded her and held her in a hug as she gleefully wept, “You’re the best friends a pony could ever ask for!”

“N’aww!” Cheese cooed, wiping a tear from his eye.

After they ate breakfast, Pinkie and Cheese, with their new wedding attire in tow, were off to the train station and were bound for Dodge Junction. The duo bounced in their seats the whole way, much to the chagrin of the riders in proximity to them.

“Wasn’t it so sweet of Rarity to make this?” Pinkie asked, hugging the dress as she would a friend.

“Your friends are epic, especially after the bombshell we dropped last night,” Cheese commended. “Honestly, it makes me even happier that you’re my lovely bride-to-be.”

“I’m so excited!” Pinkie exclaimed with a giggle.

Cheese beamed at her for a few seconds of brief silence until the scenery beyond the train caught his attention from the corner of his eye. With a delighted gasp, he stated, “Look! The sand really is everywhere!”

“There are a lot of cacti, too,” Pinkie remarked.

“The cactuses have eyes?”

“No, silly. Cacti. It’s like a cactus, but a bunch of them!”

“Maybe we should throw a cacti party.”

“Next stop: Dodge Junction. There’s not much here, but ponies like to get off anyway,” a voice notified over the intercom.

“But Cherry Jubilee lives out here!” Pinkie rebutted. “You heard them, Cheesy. We’re up.” The two ponies got off the train at the Dodge Junction stop just in time for a tumbleweed to roll across the platform. Though rural with a relatively low population, the town was eerily barren of activity.

The petite and compact nature of the town made finding town hall easy enough. Waiting just outside for them, clad with her usual dark blue clothing and a hard hat, was Maud Pie. On sight, Pinkie wasted no time launching herself at the grey mare.

“Hi, Pinkie,” Maud greeted flatly.

“Oh, Maud, I’m so happy to see you! I wasn’t going to ask you to come out, but I still really wanted you to! C’mon, let’s go see the mayor. Let’s get married!” With that, Pinkie burst into the town hall, her older sister and fiancé hot on her trail. Bouncing over to the front desk, Pinkie giddily asked the startled receptionist, “Hi! Is your mayor around?”

“M-Mayor Tumbleweed? He’s in his office. Why?” the secretary responded timidly.

“I’m that pony that wrote to him last week about needing an official for a wedding today,” Pinkie clarified matter-of-factly.

With eyes wide from realization, the secretary replied, “Oh! Miss Pie. Yes, I’ll go get him right away.”

After no more than two minutes, Pinkie, Maud and Cheese were met by a tan, stout stallion with a ten-gallon hat and a black vest. “Miss Pie? Mr. Sandwich?”

“That’s us,” Cheese informed the stallion. “Mayor Tumbleweed?”

“Yer darn tootin’. Any friend of Princess Twilight Sparkle is welcome in my town. Granted, it ain’t the most welcomin’ town right now. There’ve been strange happenin’s ‘round these parts. That’s our problem, though. Don’t y’all worry none. Now then… How long do y’all need to get ready?” Mayor Tumbleweed asked. There was an urgent edge to his voice, but the stallion did exude a comforting and friendly presence.

“We were hoping to have everything done and ready this evening,” Pinkie informed him.

“This evening?” Mayor Tumbleweed echoed, the edge in his voice more prominent. When he received two enthusiastic nods that held the echoes of cowbells, Mayor Tumbleweed turned to his receptionist and the two of them seemed to have a silent conversation, talking with bewildered and panicked eyes instead of the audible words that would give those gazes meaning and substance. Inhaling sharply, Mayor Tumbleweed turned back to the bride and groom. “This evening it is.”

“The sand outside looked freshly shuffled. Does that have to do with these strange happenings?” Maud inquired.

“We got neighbors near this town who ain’t so cuddly…” Mayor Tumbleweed answered. “They ain’t the type to be trifled with, little lady.”

Pinkie chimed in, “I’m sure they just need a good laugh and a chance to loosen up a little. Everything will be fine!”

“If you say so…” Mayor Tumbleweed responded, though his tone said otherwise.

Hours passed, all the while Pinkie and Cheese prepared themselves both physically and mentally for the start of the rest of their lives, the culmination of their love and their hard work. Together, they would make smiles evermore.

Pinkie, with the assistance of her sister, was putting on her dress. Rarity said that it had been modified from a previous dress, yet the amount of detail was too exquisite to go unappreciated. Pinkie approximated that the work must have taken nearly the whole night, if not longer. She would have made a mental note to thank her lucky stars until the end of days for the friends she had if she didn’t already do so every night before bed. Even with her and Cheese staying up three quarters of the night to gab and giggle about their coming union, Pinkie said a prayer in her heart to give thanks for those who made her life as whole, rich and sweet as it was.

“How does it feel?” Maud asked.

“It’s so snug! It’s like a hug you can wear!” Pinkie answered, turning to admire herself in a mirror.

“No, I mean ‘how does it feel to marry your dream stallion?’” Maud clarified, the faintest of smiles claiming her lips.

“Oh! Better than any sugary treat I’ve ever made! Except for maybe our rock candy necklaces,” Pinkie answered, facing Maud. She wrapped her forelegs around her sister and giggled, “Those sure are tough to beat, huh?”

“Yeah,” Maud agreed, reminiscing all the necklaces she and her sister made together. “They sure are. It’s nearly time. We should get going.”

With that, the two sisters made their way to meet Cheese Sandwich, the receptionist and Mayor Tumbleweed at the town hall building. Mayor Tumbleweed had seemed eager to officiate the wedding on the spot. Strange as it was, neither Pinkie nor Cheese questioned it. The marriage was what was important. To them, the wedding was a sugar-coated steppingstone. Well, if that sugar was sand.

“I hope you don’t mind we use one of the conference rooms in here. I rearranged it to look like an altar, though I don’t rightly know what kind of experience y’all came out here looking for,” Mayor Tumbleweed informed the out-of-towners. “All I really know is how much my pancreas hates that I like that dress, Miss Pie.”

“Thanks!” Pinkie thanks with a laugh. “My friend Rarity made it for me. You see, I’m a baker of confectionary goodness!”

“Is that right?” Mayor Tumbleweed rhetorically questioned. “Regardless, we ain’t in much a state to offer much, especially since it’s dusk.”

“Aw, that’s fine! We’re just glad you’re doing this for us,” Cheese reassured the mayor, who seemed relieved by the statement of gratitude. “I can only imagine how strenuous the whole nine-to-five thing is.”

“Right. Nine-to-five…” Trailing off, the mayor led the other ponies to a conference room. The table that would normally be in the middle of the room was line up along the back wall, and six chairs had been placed in a neat row. “We’ve got an official, two witnesses, the bride and the groom. Alrighty, it’s go-time.”

The five ponies took their positions. Pinkie and Cheese stood facing each other, eyes of cornflower blue and moss green lovingly locked. Mayor Tumbleweed stood beside them, fidgeting in place a bit as his secretary sat herself in one of the six chairs, becoming the sole member of an empty crowd. Maud stood behind Pinkie Pie. To most, her expression would appear to be the epitome of neutral. Pinkie, however, could feel her sister’s love without even having to look her in the eye. She didn’t even need to be a Changeling to feel the love and joy that Maud emanated.

“I’ve never been good with sermons, so I think I’ll just cut to the chase. Save for some mail correspondence, I’ve hardly known ya for a quarter day. Yet, it’s clear to me that you two go together like peas and carrots,” Mayor Tumbleweed spoke, addressing Pinkie and Cheese with a manner of professionalism and dignity befitting a stallion of his authority and wisdom. “Am I free to assume there are no objections to this union?” Now, he addressed the “crowd” gathered. His assistant simply shook her head. “I believe y’all have yer vows, though please keep ‘em on the brief side.”

“Oh, of course! Pinkie, would you like to go first?” Cheese offered.

“Oh, I couldn’t. You go first! I insist!” Pinkie urged encouragingly.

“Well, okay. Now where did I put…?” Cheese obliged before trailing off as he stuck a foreleg into the jacket of his tuxedo. Confetti exploded from his jacket. Scraps of color fluttered in the air, much to Pinkie’s delight and the mayor’s shock. Maud remained unphased. “Aww, now they’re all out of order.”

“Y-ya wrote yer vows on confetti?” the mayor stammered, shocked by the odd choice of stationary.

“Well, I am a super-duper party pony. Of course, I’d use confetti,” Cheese remarked, as though writing his vows on scraps of confetti was the most obvious choice in the world.

“This is why I love you!” Pinkie exclaimed, laughing. “Confetti scraps are the sprinkles of life! Just don’t eat them.”

Cheese tried to grab the floating pieces of paper in an effort to reorganize himself, but the mayor stopped him, speaking swiftly, “Just paraphrase, please!”

“Oh. Sure. Pinkie, you complete me. You inspire me. I doubt I’m the only one, too. I mean, just look at your dress. Your friend Rarity made it, but she made it in such a way that it comes from you. Your friend Applejack entrusted you with her hat, and she cares for that hat as she would a foal,” Cheese said to Pinkie, endearment and sincerity steeping his voice. “You’ve put a lot of ponies and all sorts of other creatures on good paths. I give you my word that I’ll walk your path with you, no matter what. Pinkie promise! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye!”

Pinkie sniffled and let a joyful tear roll down her cheek. He made a Pinkie promise, and to her, that meant more than anything else he could have said. She didn’t even notice the mayor and the secretary periodically glancing out the window, seemingly nervous.

“Miss Pie, if’n ya would?” Mayor Tumbleweed requested Pinkie take her turn to say her vows.

“Okeedokey! Cheesy, you’re so…cheesy, and I love you for that. With you, I feel like I have no limits! There’s a whole new world out there waiting for us. When this wedding is over, everything will change. I’m a little intimidated, but of course excited! It’s going to be terrific, you and I bringing smiles and cheer to every creature we’ll meet! Our whole lives are ahead of us, and I have nothing to say but ‘wow’ and ‘thank you’. There’s nopony I’d rather have as my loving husband. I Pinkie promise that I’ll be the best wife ever! Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” Pinkie vowed. Cheese was beaming at her, happy tears of his own streaming his cheeks.

The beauty and serenity of the moment was cut short by a sharp knock on the door to the conference room. The mayor and secretary were stunned, silent and apparently fearful. Maud glanced out the window. Dusk had surely yielded to the night, if only just a moment ago.

“I now pronounce you husband and wife!” Mayor Tumbleweed announced hurriedly before rushing under the table, the secretary following.

There was another sharp knock. Maud, Cheese and Pinkie faced the direction of the door in confusion. What was the big deal? Did somepony feel left out for not being invited to the admittedly impromptu wedding ceremony? A huge grin adorned Pinkie’s face as she bounced over to the door. If bouncing in her wedding dress was difficult, she didn’t show it.

Before the town officials could tell her not to, the pink mare ripped the door open and shouted, “Welcome!”

Standing before her was a hoard of tall, green-skinned bipeds with thin, sharp barbs lining their bodies. They had legs that were vaguely reminiscent of roots, with the ends where feet or hooves would be showing protrusions that looked like the vein-like tips roots normally had. They had big, golden eyes and hopeful smiles. Some of them had pink or yellow flowers atop their heads. Each one had a pair of arms, one on each side of their elongated torso.

“What are you doing here? It’s early yet!” Mayor Tumbleweed timidly exclaimed.

“My name’s Pinkie! Over there is my groom, Cheese, and my sister, Maud! It’s nice to meet you,” Pinkie introduced herself and her family to the strange green creatures.

“We’re a nocturnal race, so you’ve probably never seen folks like us before. Those stiff forms you see during the day are us when we’re sleeping, but we’re the cacti from just outside of town,” one of the prickly people, with a deep, masculine voice, introduced himself and his group.

“What a coinkidink! We’re from out of town, too!” Pinkie happily informed the swarm of cactuses. “What are you guys doing all the way out here?”

“You see, we’re descended from a mobile plant being called a mandrake. Our ancestors, in particular, were nomadic and traveled from place to place until they found this sparsely populated desert and settled down. They adapted overtime and generations later, here we are,” an effeminate, smooth voice not unlike that of the now-retired Princess Celestia spoke up. It belonged to a slender cactus with a large flower atop her head. She approached Pinkie, looking down at her with kind eyes. “As we said before, we’re nocturnal. We don’t get to interact with other civilizations much because they’re usually in bed by the time we wake up. It can get lonely sometimes. Now that I see the locals under that table, though, entering buildings in the dead of night at random may not be the best strategy.”

“Aww! See, Mayor? They just wanna talk and be friendly,” Cheese reassured. “Beneath those tough, green hides is a soft heart.”

“Ya mean ya weren’t tryin’ to invade us?” Mayor Tumbleweed asked as he emerged from beneath the desk.

“Sweet heavens no! We just heard from some chatty woodpeckers that ponies like to party,” the female cactus informed them. “My name is Alraune and I deeply apologize, on behalf of all of us, for the trouble we may have caused in our recent attempts to establish friendship.”

Firework displays went off in Cheese and Pinkie’s minds when they heard her say “party”. A smug grin crept onto Maud’s face as Pinkie pulled her party bazooka from under her dress and Cheese, who may or may not have implemented a small air cannon into his tuxedo while on the train, let loose another storm of confetti. Pinkie fired her bazooka, and sweets and decorations exploded into view.

“LET’S PARTY!” the newlyweds announced.

A week went by. Pinkie and Cheese had not returned to Ponyville yet. One brisk morning, Applejack exited the Apple Family home to get the newspaper that waited for them at the front edge of their property. She often perused the front page before taking the paper inside to Granny Smith. This time was the same as any other. What was different was the double-take she took when she skimmed the front page. She scrunched her eyebrows and read more carefully, only for her eyebrows to shoot up.

“Pinkie made the front page?!” Applejack exclaimed, questioning no one in particular. “Well, at least she still has my hat.”

Plastered on the front page of the newspaper was a picture of Pinkie and Cheese dancing together, surrounded by gleeful, anthropomorphic cacti. The headline read: “Newlyweds Pinkie Pie and Cheese Sandwich Establish Diplomatic Relations with Cactus People”.