Dear nopony,
Suicide. Such a harsh word right? But there are two meanings. And there is a difference between these reasons. There is a difference not many ponies know. There is a difference not many ponies understand. There is a difference not many ponies accept. There is a difference between “I don’t want to live anymore” and “I want to die” because, trust me, I don’t want to die.
My name is Diamond Tiara and this is my story.
When I was younger, I was the happiest filly in Ponyville. Ponies were always commenting on my smile, my jokes, my laugh. I was rich, I had friends, I had parents who loved me. Life was perfect. But nothing stays perfect for long. As the years went by, my mom started distancing herself from dad and me. She was obsessed with popularity and beauty. My dad got better job offers and there were times when he didn’t come home for days. His work was usually just down the street, but he didn’t come home. You know, this can be very painful for a filly. To have her dad basically abandon her like that… I thought maybe this is temporary. Maybe things will go back to normal. Things didn't go back to normal.
We slowly accumulated more wealth, more power. My friends started to notice and they began to ask for “favors”. Little things, things that barely even mattered to me. But over time, I realized they were all just using me for my money. I think that was when everything changed. I got paranoid, mean… cruel. I believed that my true friends would stick by me, that they would pass my little test. Well, as you can guess, that didn’t work. The only pony who stayed was Silver Spoon, and even with her, I think it was only because she felt sorry for me.
I’m not proud of acting like that. I tried to change, but it was too late. The cruelty had become a part of me, a part I couldn’t get rid of. I tried asking for help, but no one believed me. I’m not surprised though. I didn’t deserve help.
By this point, my mom was basically non-existent and my dad was never home. That’s when the thoughts came. They told me things. Terrible things. They asked what is the point of life if you are always in pain?. I tried to ignore them. It worked, for a while. But then Silver Spoon left. Her family moved to Canterlot to run a jewelry store. My last friend was gone.
I tried to talk to my dad, but what was I supposed to say? "Hey dad, I’m thinking about killing myself. Want a cheese sandwich?" maybe I should have said it like that. Maybe I should have just TOLD him when I still could. I tried other ways instead. Leaving notes, “accidentally” singing sad songs when I knew he was in the room. I even tried telling a classmate, hoping that she would tell an adult for me. Apparently, my dad is about as observant as a brick. The classmate told, though. But not the right ponies. She told the other students in my class. After that things just got worse.
Ponies have a name for ponies like me. They call us “attention seekers”. Well, it’s true. I WAS seeking attention. I WAS wanting somepony to notice, ANYPONY. I wasn’t doing it so ponies would feel sorry for me, I was doing it so somepony would help me. It didn’t work. At this point you probably are bored and thinking “who cares?” but let me finish. Remember at the beginning when I said I don’t want to die? I was telling the truth.
I want to live. I want to grow up and be happy. I don't want to have to always pretend to have a smile on my face, but I can’t. I hate my life, but I don’t want it to end. Make sense?
...No?
Ok. I’ll try to explain it better.
I love the ponies in my life, my mother, my father, even my classmates who laugh at me. But I hate what they do to me. I love my dad, but I hate that he never has time for me, that he ignores my problems and tells me to “get over it”. I love each of my classmates, but I hate that when they yell and throw things at me, even when I deserve it. I love Ms. Cheerilee but I hate when she tells me to “try harder” when it is already taking everything I have just to get out of bed in the morning.
Here is another example. I love myself. You may not believe me, but I truly do love myself. However, I hate how I look. I hate how I act, how I think, how I live. I love myself but I hate the choices I make. Are you starting to get it now? No? That’s ok. I didn’t expect you too. But it’s ok. Because one way or another, it is going to change.
Tomorrow I am going to try one more time. I am going to throw my last rope, say my last word. Tomorrow I am going to go to Princess Twilight. She knows how hard it is to change, she has to. I guess, if the Princess of Friendship can’t help me, nopony can. If I go back home after talking to her, and everything is the same, I want to be forgotten. I want everypony to forget me. If they only remember my mistakes and how I hurt them, I would prefer not to be remembered at all. I know that is selfish of me, but I don’t really care. I don’t care about anything anymore.
Whoever finds this, I want you to remember something. Just one thing. I didn’t want to die. I never wanted to die. And when another pony comes asking for help, drop everything and help them. Do whatever it takes to help them. Goodbye.
------ Diamond Tiara
