Schultz Knows Nothing

Chapters

Monkey Business
The Fall of Sergeant Schultz
The Great Breakfast Debate
Hogan Knows Nothing: Part 1
Hogan Knows Nothing: Part 2
Short: Meanwhile at Stalag 13
Preparations
The Princess, The Colonel, and the Oddly Familiar Major
Major Hoofstetter
The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 1
The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 2
The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 3
Carter, Coffee, and Hoofstetter
Apologies and Planning
The Safecracker Suite: Déjà vu Edition
For you, The Investigation is Over!
The Hopes and Dreams of Sergeant Schultz

Monkey Business

Colonel Hogan had gone too far now. Schultz always knew of his monkey business but this time... this time he had crossed the line. Hogan had just not only kidnapped a German general, but used said General's plane to bomb a refinery. As much as Schultz could claim that he knew nothing, this had gone too far. Sitting curled up in a ball next to General Biedenbender, Schultz began to look back at his life up to this point.

At first, Schultz was a proud soldier serving his Kaiser in the Great War. The honor of serving though was short lived as Germany was struck with economic crisis. Unlike many war veterans though, Schultz did not join any of the freikorps or far left militias but instead decided to wait it all out. Sure enough, everything did end up quite good... for only about a decade or so. Soon, he managed to get a job with the Schatze Toy Company and worked his way up to become it's owner and manager. Through that time, the toy company became the largest in Germany and along the way, Schultz met his wife and soon had 5 wonderful children. A few years later came the more darker ages. In 1933, the Nazis took power an began to change Germany drastically. Even though Schultz was a Social Democrat, he never did have a liking for politics and simply stood by and focused on his company and family, even with the Social Democrats were banned.

For a while, things were well until war became a reality. Soon, his company was forced to shut down and his factory was converted into a war factory. Without anywhere left to go, Schultz reenlisted and managed to get his old rank as Sergeant back and was posted to a Prisoner of War camp. Stalag XIII.

Schultz was there from the very beginning, back when it was full of Polish prisoners and then some french and english prisoners. Among them were Newkirk and Le Beau. When the armistice with France came, Le Beau was ecstatic about being able to go home but was crushed when he was not on the list. Surprisingly, Newkirk was there to comfort him and it was like the two became inseparable ever since. Somewhere along the way came Klink. Like Schultz, Klink was a veteran of the Great War but Klink did not exactly come out better than how he went in. Somewhere along the way, Klink became the bumbling Colonel he now was during that war. Even though Schultz critized him for being an upstuck "big-shot", he really felt for the man, no matter how stupid and incompetent he could be.

Nearly 2 years later, America declared war on Germany and the bombings began. It was not until 1943 when a blow was struck by the Germans to the allied bombing campaign. Colonel Robert Hogan was shot down by a coordinated effort by (then colonel) Biedenbender. For a while, Hogan moped around until he began to become aquainted with the other prisoners such as Carter and Kinch. In Schultz's eyes, Carter was almost like a child at times but he was smart and caring at other times. Kinch though, Schultz had respect for him, Negro or not. The man was quite intelligent and was always friendly and even sometimes joking with Schultz. To be honest with himself, all of them were. But then the Monkey Business began.

Sabotage was happening all around the camp and nobody could pin point the reason why. Even Schultz for a while did not know... well, until he began to accidentally walk in on their scheming. Every time he had the opportunity to report it to Klink, but every time, he turned his said and "saw nothing." Most people saw Schultz as being too stupid and overweight so he could get away with it anyways. As the sabotage and Underground activity began to progress, Schultz's patience began to run thin... until the Strudel came. Le Beau, or "Cockroach" as he was known by Klink and Schultz, began to bribe Schultz with food. And to make matters worse, the food was delicious. From then on, it sort of became of working relationship. Schultz knows nothing, and Hogan and his men continue with their work. In truth, Schultz knew it wasn't just the food keeping from telling. Even in the early days, Schultz despised the Nazis for their rhettoric and racial prejudices. His hate for them became worse when they took his factory... his livelyhood, away from him for their ideological war. He was already an old man with 5 children, he could not do anything, but he could turn his eyes away from the people clearly doing something. It was Treason sure, but it was working well for him now and he knew that with Hogan, it would continue to work.

But now back to the present, Schultz still huddled in a ball next to Biedenbender. The general remained silent, it was clear he knew he could not escape his fate. Suddenly, the silence was broken by Hogans voice yelling "All right, fellows, let's get back."

The next thing Schultz knew was that he was being strapped to a parachute. My god, must they do this to me. He thought. It wasn't that he was afraid of heights, rather afraid of falling. Desperately, he began to plea with Hogan and his men.

"Hey, Colonel Hogan, I'm too old to parachute jump."

His plea was met with Hogan saying "Never too old Schultz."

Again, he began to plea. "Come on, please Colonel Hogan, I am too big to parachute jump."

"Now there you have a point." Hogan agreed.

Hogan then asked Kinch "Are we all set?"

"We're over Stalag 13 in.... 30 seconds." Kinch replied.

Hogan then ordered everyone "All right, now, everybody land outside the fence. We don't need showoffs. Open the Hatch."

As the hatch open, Schultz began to yell in fear as he could feel the cold win up against his back. Immediately, Newkirk began to reassure Schultz as if he were his mother.

"Listen to me, listen. All you gotta do is jump, count ten, and pull the ring. Off you go." he said.

Schultz, not buying it, immediately retorted "How about nine or eight?"

Suddenly, he was being pushed out of the airplane by Hogan and his men. It took them a few seconds but they finally managed to push Schultz out. When Schultz fell out of the plane, he immediately closed his eyes in fear and began to count to 10 like Newkirk had told him. Suddenly when he reached 10, he was enveloped in a cloud of whiteness and for a moment, it felt like there was nothing until he found himself parachuting again.

*** *** ***

The sun was setting over Ponyville as Pinkie Pie began to close up Sugarcube Corner. Like most days, it was not entirely busy unless the holiday season was in full swing. When she was about to turn on the light, the door opened and Rainbow Dash came in.

"Oh, Hi Rainbow!" Pinkie yelled as she was surprised to see her friend walk in so late.

"Hey, Pinkie. Just wondering if you by any chance heard, oh I don't know, yelling in the sky?"

"Silly, why would you come to me if you heard yelling in the sky? Why not go to Twilight's?"

"No offense Pinkie, you were honestly my first suspect."

"I Pinkie Promise that I heard no screaming in the air Rainbow?"

"Pinkie you don't need to do that, I was ju-"

Rainbow was suddenly cut off by a loud thud that hit the roof. After a few seconds, the roof began to crack and down came two large boots and a lot of yelling. Suddenly, Pinkie began to speak.

"Rainbow, is that the yelling you heard."

"Yeah Pinkie, yeah it is...."

"So, time to get Twlight?"

Before Rainbow could answer, the yelling became stopped and the boots began to move and shake violently. This was followed by another yell that was actually understandable.

"Colonel Hogan? COLONEL HOGAN?" It yelled as it tried to pull itself up.

Author's Note

So, this is another brainchild of mine... what better than to have the ever loveable Schultz land in Equestria... and above all, Sugarcube Corner. For those that do not get this reference, this comes from the classic comedy Hogans Heroes. God they do not make comedies like that anymore... it saddens me. Anyways, this is going to be a short on that will take my mind off my other major stories so I can go a bit out of the ordinary without trying to stick to realism and such. For those who read the last chapter of my Titanic story, once again... very sorry for that mess. Definately going to revise it. Anyways, hope you like this one and stay tuned for the upcoming chapters to this short story.

The Fall of Sergeant Schultz

The parachute jump went as planned. Hogan and his men landed safely down in a field when the jumped out of the plane carrying Biendenbender and the two pilots on its way back to London. Their only job now was to find Schultz before morning came.

When they began their search, Newkirk chirped out "''Ey Colonel, anything back there seem a bit off to you?"

Before Hogan could answer, Carter budged into the conversation with "What, did I miss a bit when we dropped the load on the factory? You know if we head back to camp I coul..."

Before Carter could answer, he was slapped on the back of his head by Newkirk so that Hogan could answer.

"Well, what do you mean Newkirk."

"I don't know Sir, but I got a ruddy feeling that something is off."

"Yeah, Schultz landed farther from us." Le Beau chirped in.

"Oh c'mon Frenchie. That ain't the problem. We all know ol' Schultzie is just gonna hide wherever he landed."

Little did they know what Schultz was going through right now.

*** *** ***

For what seemed like hours, Schultz kept calling out for Colonel Hogan as he tried to free himself from the cracked floor boards. Suddenly, as if he began to think. Floor Boards? Oh if the Kommandant finds out... Suddenly, the door knob beside him began to twist slowly. As the door began to open, Schultz once again began to scream not for Colonel Hogan, but for anyone to help. Only Gestapo opens a door slowly like that. He thought, his mind drifting back to the thought of Major Hochstetter. Schultz always despised Hochstetter, but he could do nothing. Nobody could do anything with the Gestapo... well... other than Colonel Hogan.

As the door began to open, Schultz closed his eyes as he heard the foot steps clop their way towards him. Then came a feminine voice.

"Woah... what is that thing?"

"I dunno Rainbow, it looks scared though."

Females? Gestapo females? Schultz thought. The footsteps got closer and as much as he hated it, Schultz forced his eyes to open. Right in front of him, stood two horses... one cyan and the other pink, giving him curious looks. The pink one walked up to him and opened it's mouth.

"Hi there Mister! What are you?"

With that Schultz felt his eyes dilate and the next thing he knew, he was out like a light.

*** *** ***

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie walked over to examine the creature that had fallen from the ceiling. It looked very large, in terms of height and girth around it's midsection. From the way the room looked, it looked like the creature had a very hard landing when it fell through the roof, probably from it's weight. The creature also wore blue clothes and helmet, with some sort of award pinned on the coat.

"Pinkie do you think we should get Twilight?"

"I dunno, maybe we should get Fluttershy too! She knows about animals and how to take care of them!"

"Okay, I'll get Twilight and you will go get..." Before Rainbow Dash could finish her sentence, Pinkie was already off to Fluttershy's.

"Fluttershy..."

*** *** ***

Night had fallen as Twilight stood on the balcony watching Luna raise the moon up. For once, the day had gone by uneventful. Books were checked out and returned by ponies and late fees were payed. So for the occasion, Twilight allowed herself to just sit back and relax.

When she was about to turn around and head back into the library, she was nearly startled when she heard somepony call out "Twilight!" behind her. Turning around, she saw Rainbow Dash flying towards her at full speed and talking faster than she usually does.

"Twilight! You gotta get to Sugarcube Corner ASAP! A giant crashed into Pinkie's roof and..."

"Whoa whoa whoa, slow down there Rainbow, what do you mean a giant fell through Pinkie's roof?" Twilight asked.

"I mean there is a literal GIANT at Pinkie's! It fell through the roof yelling and got itself stuck! We didn't know what to do so while Pinkie went to get Fluttershy, I came here to get you!"

"Wait, you left the giant alone? In Sugarcube Corner of all places?"

"Yeah, whats wrong with that, its not like its gonna wake up anyway. When me and Pinkie walked into the room, he saw us and immediately fainted so we should be fine."

"I hope I don't regret this Rainbow..."

*** *** ***

"Mon Colonel, we have been walking around for an hour and still haven't found Schultzie. You really think he landed in this area?" Le Beau asked. Even though Schultz was the enemy, he was still a friend to them all.

"Yeah Colonel, if ol' Schultzie landed here, we would had found him by now?" Newkirk chirped.

"Well, we all jumped out after Schultz so we should had seen where he landed... did we?" Kinch said. For as smart as Kinch was, finding Schultz after bailing out of a plane was beginning to be weirdly hard.

"Alright everyone, quick break." Hogan finally said. As soon as he gave the order, his four exhausted men sat down in the field.

"Now, did anyone see Schultz land or where he floated down to?" Hogan asked towards his men. Immediately Kinch, Le Beau, and Newkirk all said no. Carter however, sat there silent, as if he was thinking about something.

"Carter, whats wrong with you mate? You are usually more talkative than this." Newkirk was right, normally Carter would agree.

"Well, I think I saw where Schultz floated down. It looked like a little town of some sort. You know, it reminded me of one of the medieval mock-towns that I used to g-" Carter was cut off by a glare from Newkirk before he continued. "I think the town is not far from here. Just a bit to the east."

"Wait wait wait, so... you mean to tell me, that you held your bloody tongue and had us walk around in circles lookin' for Schultz, and now you tell us where he is?" Newkirk would've been angry at Carter, but he knew the Sergeant for a while to know that it won't get him anywhere.

"Well... yeah... I just thought we would find him here though like the Colonel said."

"Carter, I admire your drive to follow orders, but sometimes... just say it." Hogan said sympathetically. As smart as Carter was, he was still somewhat of a kid at heart.

"Yes, Colonel."

"Alright boys, breaks over. We gotta go find Schultz before the Bald Eagle and Burkhalter wake up."

With that, Hogan's men nodded in agreement and made their way to the town in the east.

*** *** ***

When Twilight and Rainbow got back to Sugarcube Corner, they were not greeted by Pinkie Pie or Fluttershy but rather very loud snores. Upstairs, Twilight was amazed at the sight before her. Like Rainbow said, the creature did pass out, but it looked like it fell asleep quite fast. Around it, was a little blanket that Fluttershy had put around the creature's girthy gut. Clearly, Fluttershy could feel for the creature as it slept. While they were upstairs, they did not hear the door downstairs open up.

*** *** ***

Looking at the odd gingerbread house standing right before them, Newkirk was quite sceptical if Schultz even landed here without it crumbling down to the ground.

"You sure this is the place Carter?"

"Did you see the hole in the roof Newkirk? It's the size of Schultz!"

"Quiet down you two, we don't need to cause anymore trouble than we already have. Now, we find Schultz and get back to camp before-" Hogan was not paying attention and hit one of Schultz's dangling boots right square in his face. Immediately, Schultz's feet snapped to attention and then began to squirm around.

*** *** ***

Sleeping was always a favorite pastime of Schultz's. Even on guard duty, he knew that Klink would not just go out into the middle of the night and help keep guard of the prisoners. Schultz had his own spot where he would be able to sit down and get some rest throughout the night and he was never disturbed. Sometimes, even Lagenscheidt would come and take a nap next to Schultz.

Suddenly, he felt a kick in his legs and immediately thought the worst, Klink had seen him. Suddenly, he awoke himself and snapped to a salute saying "Herr Kommandant I was j-"

He cut himself off when he slowly came back into reality and saw the two horses he saw earlier standing with two other horses just staring at him.

"Was..... C... COLONEL HOGAN, WHERE ARE YOU?"

Schultz didn't expect a reply but was surprised when he heard a voice from downstairs.

"Schultz, were down here! Stop kicking your damn legs before you break my nose!"

Normally Colonel Hogan would respond with one of his trademark witty American comments but his voice sounded serious. Within seconds he heard footsteps running closer to him and when Hogan and his men came through the door, all there was was silence as they stared at each other and the multicolored horses around them.

Author's Note

Chapter 2 of my new little short fan fiction. Sorry for the username change if this is all wierd to you. Apparently my old username caused quite a controversy so I changed it to something less controversial. Anyways, hope you all like this story... God this brings back nostalgia memories.

The Great Breakfast Debate

There is no rest for the weary. There is also no rest for the suspicious. All night, Hogan thought he was being watched, not by the weird pony creatures that sheltered him and his men for the night, but something more... mystical. But, he did not have time to think of his slumber when he heard a loud crash and clang coming from a door that led presumably to the kitchen followed by the sound of a certain small Frenchman cursing in his native tongue.

*** *** ***

30 Minutes Earlier

When Schultz woke up, he actually felt better than he had in years. For as much sleep as he got even when on guard duty, it was still never comfortable. But last night's sleep was like heaven for him. For once, he could dream about his old factory without feeling a sense of loss, but rather a sense of peace and hope. His encounter with that Night Princess named Luna probably helped clear his mind as well.

Getting up from the corner he was sleeping in, Schultz proceeded to fold up his blanket like a gentlemen when he felt a wind pass him. Looking up, he nearly jumped back into the wall when he saw the pink pony named Pinkie Pie (ironically) smile at him with a large toothy grin. Now, Langenscheidt had a toothy grin, but Schultz had never seen anything like this before. For a minute (even though it seemed like an eternity), they stared at each other, with Schultz not knowing what to do. He truly knew nothing. Finally, he decided to break the silence and start the obviously overdue conversation.

"Er... Good Morning Fraulein." he nervously said.

Immediately, Pinkie's smile opened up and she began her response. "Morning there sleepy head! Last night I was in so... soooo much of a rush that I did not have time to create your Welcome to Ponyville party so the best I could do was make you some breakfast. What are you doing standing there Mr Schultzie! C'mon and see what I made, you're gonna LOVE it!"

All Schultz could take in were the words party, breakfast, and Schultzie. Schultzie... only one man would dare call him that, Newkirk. Le Beau and Carter would sometimes call him that but they never used it as frequently as that Englishman. So it was clear that Newkirk was awake and he probably taught Pinkie Pie his nickname for Schultz.

Making his way from where he was sleeping, he looked around to notice that one: the roof had apparently been repaired (rather quickly and from the looks at it sturdily) from the previous night's parachute incident and that Colonel Hogan was still asleep. It sort of made sense to Schultz since Hogan was usually up late at night pulling off his monkey business.

Following Pinkie Pie into the next room, Schultz's mouth began to water as the smells began to consume his nose. When he made it into what seemed to be the kitchen, he could see what looked like an entire dessert buffet right in-front of him. All on one long table, there were classic breakfast items such as donuts and pancakes, but there were also cakes, sweets, even a chocolate fountain. Finally taking his eyes off the display in-front of him, Schultz spotted Carter sitting on a (rather small) chair digging into what he could only make out as a pie. Everything Schultz could dream of was right in-front of him expect one thing, some Strudel.

Taking a couple more looks at the table, Schultz searched for the Strudel he longed for but found nothing in return. Apparently, Newkirk caught eye of Schultz's dismay and made his way over to him to try and see what was wrong.

"Ey there Schultzie, what's the matter eh? I thought you'd be rolling around in the cake by now."

Jolly Joker Schultz thought as he turned to Newkirk to reply. "It is nothing Newkirk, I swear. In fact, I am joyed to see such a display in-front of my eyes!"

"C'mon, don't play funny with me Schultzie. I've known you long enough to see when you are missing something. Especially when you talk different."

Schultz was beaten, they knew him all too well. "Alright then, I was hoping for some Strudel. There, are you happy now Newkirk? You did not even need to hand me chocolate bars."

"Easy there Schultzie, I ain't gonna hurt ya. Besides, I am sure Le Beau can whip up some strudel for you, isn't that right Le Beau?"

The little Cockroach was busy stuffing his face with what looked like Bon Bons when he nodded at Newkirk and came up to Schultz.

"Sure Schultz, I could probably make you some strudel if Mademoiselle is alright with me using her kitchen."

Suddenly out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie jumped up from behind Le Beau and yelled "Sure you can! Wait, what are you going to do with my kitchen?"

It took a while for Pinkie to notice that she was not going to get an answer from Le Beau until she finally realized he was choking on some food before Schultz pulled the Heimlich Maneuver on Le Beau.

"Easy their Schultzie, you might kill him by saving up."

"Newkirk, what would you do if you had to save the Cockroach from choking on his food."

"I'd do the Ruddy same thing, just not as hard as you just did it."

Before Schultz could return, Pinkie Pie interjected with confusion. "Hey, it isn't nice to call somepony a cockroach! You don't want to hurt their feelings, do you?"

"Yeah Schultzie, it ain't nice to call pals cockroaches!"

"Jolly Jokers" Schultz mumbled under his breath.

"I do not care whatever he calls me, he saved my life, and for that I am grateful. Thank you Schultz, and if Newkirk ever gives you trouble again, I will give him payback only a Frenchman can deliver!"

"Thank you Let Beau, now, about the Strudel?"

"Ah yes, Mademoiselle Pie, could I use your oven to make Schultz here some Apple Strudel?"

"OOOHHHH! Why didn't you ask Silly! I will make you the best Strudel you have ever tasted!"

"Oh, wait until you taste Le Beau's bloody strudel, then you with have second thoughts about that sweetheart!" Newkirk interjected. As much as they bickered, Le Beau and Newkirk were still the best of friends.

"Newkirk, let's not insult the the Dame's cooking skills." Le Beau said.

"Nonsense, your a bloody Frenchman, where the hell is your pride? She claims to make the best Strudel, you're not gonna bloody defend your title?"

"Newkirk..."

"Alright, looky here lady, I ain't gonna watch me mate right here through away his honor just so he can let a lady beat him, no offense of course."

"Hm...."

For a minute, it took Pinkie Pie to think of what to do next until suddenly, a light bulb (yes, somehow a light bulb) popped over her head and her face was full with a big toothy grin.

"I have... The most PERFECT IDEA!"

"Alright then, spit it out for us please." Newkirk said impatiently.

"A cooking challenge! So, basically me and your friend have to make a certain dish and you guys get to judge on it! There is a great place in Canterlot that sorta does but it uses teams instead of ind...."

"Alright, we get the bloody point. Question is, what are you two gonna bloody cook?"

For another time, Schultz knew something. "Oh, how about Apple Strudel!"

"Apple Strudel it is then mates! So, you gonna defend your honor like a real bloody Frenchman that you claim to be?"

Muttering what sounded like a french curse, Le Beau reluctantly agreed and before long, the cook off began.

*** *** ***

The previous night was a long night for Applejack. Just after she had gone to bed, Applebloom started screaming and said she saw 5 large creatures walking around in the fields outside the house. So as always with Applebloom's nightmares, Applejack and Big Mac went outside to see what was the matter. They didn't find anything but 5 large sheets and a lot of rope that attached the sheets to backpacks. So for the rest of the night, they decided to keep an eye out for the creatures. That in turn led Applejack to need an energy shot for the morning's daily chores. And what better place to get a shot of energy would be than Sugarcube Corner.

Now, normally Ponyville was quite quiet on a regular morning without any chaos or the regular villain roaming about causing chaos. Even Discord kept his antics to a minimum in the morning. Today though was quite odd. On her way to Sugarcube Corner, she could see smoke rising above the buildings and a large amount of Ponies moving in the same direction as her. What happened next came as a surprise to her.

When she came around the bend to Sugarcube corner, she could see that the annex where the kitchen was on fire, surrounded by ponies and fireponies, and there was a large amount of paparazzi in the area. Making her way to the camera flashes, Applejack nearly fainted as she saw 6 large creatures (well, one was quite small and nearly her size) come into view. Only when she got closer did she see one with a peaked cap with his hoof... well, it looked more like what Spike would call his hand, on his face with what looked like an expression of tiredness or disappointment while 3 others were holding a creature with a blue uniform on and another with a beret and what looked like a spoon in his.... hand.... back from each other from apparently fighting with each other.

She finally found Pinkie Pie beside the creature with the cap apparently comforting it. When she walked up and asked "Pinkie, what in tarnation just happened? And who the hay are they?" It was not Pinkie that responded but rather the creature she was comforting.

"Miss, there are some things that I never wish to know. I recommend you do the same."

Author's Note

Alright, so I said that this would be ready in a few days (which was last Tuesday) but uh well... I guess I lied. Sorry guys. A lot of stuff happened lately, namely my father is quite sick with a sinus infection (thank God it ain't the Corona Virus, am I right? What, no laughter? Yeah, probably a low one right there.) So that has been something to try and help him get through. Another thing was just I kinda got a bit lazy and needed a comedic refresher so I could stop with the seriousness. That little Drunken Titanic Officers snippet helped me get a bit more creative which I hope was somewhat good.

Anyways, Hogan wants to know nothing (surprise), but unlike Klink, this Colonel's job requires him to know everything. Originally, I wanted to add a little extra chapter that goes into Klink's head as he sits passed out at his dinner table with General Burkhalter (see the episode that this is based off of) and what happens when he nearly wakes up. Surprise, Langenscheidt was going to be included. God, I love Langenscheidt, another good hearted character. Who knows, maybe I will throw him in somehow, maybe not. I know one thing though, Hogan needs to know something.

Hogan Knows Nothing: Part 1

Setting the kitchen on fire. Of all things, they had to set the kitchen on fire. As much as Hogan loved his men, even when they goofed up (Newkirk's Gestapo friend comes to mind), this had gone too far. They are away from the war and possibly in a entirely new world, and the first thing they do is set some poor pony's kitchen on fire. Hell, what came as a big surprise to him was the fact that it wasn't Carter that set the damn thing on fire but apparently Le Beau. Now if that was not suspicious, what the hell was suspicious anymore? From the looks of what was going on outside, it was clear Newkirk had something to do with it and it looked like they were about to kill each other. Luckily, Kinch, Carter, and Schultz were making sure Le Beau did not stick his spoon somewhere it didn't belong and should not belong.

At least the little pink pony was trying to comfort him, so that was probably the only win he was going to get. No doubt though that the fire department was going to question them though. But anything was better than Hochstetter, as much fun as it was to mess around with that Gestapo agent.

A few minutes after the fire, one of the Pinkie Pie's (ironically her name) friends named Applejack came along looking quite tired. From the way she spoke, it was clear she was a country... girl? Mare? Ah hell, whatever it is. Hogan wouldn't tell her anything really. For one, it would probably get his men into more trouble than they already were, and two, Hogan knew nothing of what happened. All he knew was that he heard Le Beau curse out something and then somehow, he found himself outside of the house and some pink blur bringing out the rest of the guys at near lightning speed. Next thing he knew, the kitchen was apparently on fire and the local fire brigade as well as every... pony... was outside watching the chaos unfold. This was looking to be a long day for Hogan.

*** *** ***

When Twilight returned to Sugarcube Corner, she never expected to find it on fire and the 6 humans she had left nearly on the brink of hurting each other. From what she heard from their commander, Colonel Hogan, he knew nothing of what happened. Normally, the best course of action would've been to question them right there on the spot but there was quite a lot of paparazzi in the area marveling over the humans so the next thing they knew, they found themselves in the Library.

Well, precautions had to be taken, at the request of Hogan's second in command, Sergeant Kinchloe (or Kinch as they called him) as it seemed Hogan was too shocked to do anything. From what Pinkie had told her, it was clear he was trying to hold back his anger. So, the two "men" that were about to hurt each other were now tied up and even gagged so they did not try anything else. Of course though, the one in the blue uniform (Newkirk was his name apparently) immediately escaped so the next best thing was to have the friendly Sergeant Schultz lay down on him... yes, lay down on him. They tried having Schultz sit on Newkirk to prevent him from moving but it nearly crushed him so Schultz simply laid down on Newkirk's tied up arms so he would not escape again. The chef Le Beau was at least cooperative to some degree but he was muttering some odd words in his native language. From the tone of his voice, he sounded like he was faintly cursing.

But enough of preventing two pon..... people.... from killing each other. When everything finally settled down, Kinch wrote down his testimony and passed it onto Colonel Hogan. When Hogan read the paper, it was clear that he looked like he was going to explode. He nearly got up to obviously do something to his men before Kinch and Carter stopped him and got him to sit back down. Next came Carter's testimony, and at his behest, he said it aloud. Turns out when he is explaining something, he can be very vivid and detailed, he just tends to ramble.

"Alright Carter, whatcha got for us?" Kinch asked in a more fatherly tone.

"Well, that depends really... you want the long or short story?" Carter replied, clearly nervous.

"For once Carter, give us every detail."

"Oh, alright... It started right after Le Beau and Pinkie started to cook...."

*** *** ***

"Okay Newkirk, it is very simple, just get me the flour and the apples and then we will have all the ingredients, do you think you can do that?"

"Christ Frenchie, would you stop bloody treating me like a child? I can handle things on my own thank you very much."

"Oh yeah, just like your little lady friend that you brought into that tunnels?"

French Bastard, Newkirk thought as he was looking for the flour. Everytime one of the guys mentioned it, Newkirk always shuddered. He did bring a Gestapo agent into the tunnels, but he thought she was on their side anyways. Still though, even if it was resolved, the memory still remained.

Looking through the small cabinets, Newkirk finally found the flour and was on the process of making his way back to Le Beau when Pinkie Pie dashed right in front of him causing him to trip and the flour to fly right into Le Beau's face. If there is one thing you always want to avoid, it is pissing off a french chef.

Le Beau had a face of disappointment, but it was a clear sign of his anger beginning to rise so Newkirk knew to can it.

Over near the (rather small) judging table, Schultz was beginning to salivate while Kinch and Carter looked at the spectacle of Pinkie Pie in both awe and surprise. The little pony was moving as fast as a bullet, getting all her ingredients and cooking materials together. By the time Le Beau and Newkirk finally got new flour, she was already making the dough and apple filling.

The next few minutes went by calmly until Newkirk and Le Beau tried to fumble with the oven and stove.

"Bloody hell, how do you use this bloody thing? It looks like it was made for you Le Beau!" Newkirk exclaimed. For as pissed off as Le Beau was at the comment, Newkirk had a point. Everything did look like it was specifically catered to Le Beau. The only problem was, well... it all looked so different from what he was used to. Even in Paris outside of Stalag 13, stoves did not look like this.

"Do they have ovens like this in London Newkirk?"

"How the bloody hell should I know? I never grew up in high society ya bloody frog."

"Say that one more time and I swear on the honor of De Gualle that I will stick this spoo..."

*** *** ***

Finally, Colonel Hogan spoke.

"Wait... so you mean to tell me that you guys burnt a damn kitchen down just over some god damned name calling?" He said looking over at the two tied up men.

"Well, no Colonel... there was more... a whole lot more." Carter said shakily.

Looking at Pinkie Pie and the rest, he asked "Is this true?"

When all of them nodded, Hogan put his hand over his head and muttered "Of all the things to happen when I am not at war... Jesus Christ..." and finally sat back down and prepared for the rest of Carter's tale.

Author's Note

Wow! Two chapters in a week! New record!

Who knew Apple Strudel could be so god dang hard to make eh. Lets pray that Le Beau doesn't actually succeed in sticking a spoon up Newkirk's ass (even though he might have had it coming... who knows... totally not leaking something for the next chapter.)

Anyways, gonna try to keep these short or divided for the sake of publishing time and keeping things fresh. Also gonna try to devote more time into writing. Plenty of ideas have come to mind. As always, leave a comment for criticism or praise... just don't ever go down the route of starting a conversation regarding controversial topics... please, that already happened with a certain someone in the comments.

Hogan Knows Nothing: Part 2

"Bloody hell, is it me or is this oven taking forever to heat up?" Newkirk said, clearly pissed off. For 10 minutes, him and Le Beau had been waiting for the oven and stove to heat up but so far, nothing happened.

"Maybe you turned the knob the wrong way." Le Beau replied, equally pissed off.

"I didn't turn it the wrong damn way, look at it! I twisted it bloody counterclockwise and set it on high."

"Have you checked the gas?"

"Mate, look at the bloody thing! I don't think it even runs on gas." Newkirk said as he pointed out the rather smooth stove top.

"You probably broke it you putain de salaud." Le Beau cursed under his breath.

"What did you bloody say to me?"

"What, I said nothing!"

"Don't play funny with me, I know you said something!"

Once again, the two "allies" were on the verge of fighting, but instead of Le Beau threatening to shove a spoon up Newkirk's rear, it was Newkirk threatening to string Le Beau up with cheese string and then stick the spoon up HIS rear. The threats went on for a few more minutes until Pinkie Pie finally caught wind of the growing chaos and put herself between the two soldiers. When she finally got them to calm down, she went to the side of the oven and plugged some sort of cord into a wall outlet and suddenly the stove began to heat up.

"Wait, miss, did you just plug that in?" Newkirk asked with a hint of surprise in his tone.

"YEP!" Pinkie replied.

"What does this thing run on then?" Le Beau asked, equally surprised.

"Electricity! Don't you guys have that in your world?" Pinkie asked as energetic as ever.

"Of course Madame, though we have never seen an electric stove before."

"I gotta agree with the Frenchie on that one. How the bloody hell have ye got electric stoves and yet ye don't have any bloody cars?"

"Oooh, whats a car?"

It was clear that explaining to Pinkie what their world was going to take all their minds off the strudel so they decided to end the conversation then and there. For a while, it was calm until Newkirk had to take over for Le Beau. Little did the Frenchman know what the Brit would do.

*** *** ***

Carter was about halfway through the story before the door to the library literally burst wide open so hard that the hinges nearly broke off. As fast as it opened flew in a certain rainbow maned pony. By the look on her face, it was clear she was in a worried mood.

"Twilight! I need you to come look at this, Sugarcube Corner is on fire!" She yelled. It only took her a few seconds to realize who else was present in the room before she came to her senses.

"Yeah Rainbow, that is what we are discussing at the moment." Twilight replied, clearly annoyed by the disruption.

"Alright, which one of you bucking creatures bur..." Before she could finish her sentence, Applejack put her hoof up to Rainbows face and then dragged her down to the floor after shutting the door behind her. As far as she knew, nobody needed to know that the humans were here.

"Alright, now that we all know the bakery burnt down, can Carter here finish the story?" Hogan asked.

"Wait, what story?" Rainbow questioned.

"Just follow along Rainbow." Twilight said.

*** *** ***

While Newkirk and Le Beau were attempting to finish the Strudel filling, Schultz and Kinch were busy conversing with each other about life before the war and their own relationships. Turns out when Schultz is not busy not seeing something, he can be quite an intelligent and even more philosophical man. Now, even though Colonel Hogan was quite intelligent, Kinch found more in Schultz as both men were more in common than they knew

Meanwhile amidst all of the chaos, Carter and Pinkie Pie were going at it like a couple that just met and were asking each other about their hobbies and careers.

"So, what got you into baking Pinkie?"

"Well, I used to live on a rock farm and it was reeeeaaallllly boring but I found my passion in candy and parties so I moved out and landed myself in Ponyville! Soon, I finally managed to get a job here at this place and I have enjoyed it ever since!"

"Seems like you got your dream to come true." Carter said rather cynically.

"What's the matter Carter? Did you have a hobby?"

"Well, yeah I did. See, I like chemistry a while lot and back in my old town, I owned a pharmacy. God, living in Muncie was great. Back then in the Midwest, you could climb trees, swim in lakes, explore the wilderness, the whole world was your backyard!"

"What happened to your old life then Carter?" With this question, Carter's head drooped town at the floor.

"Well, it is kinda hard to explain, but basically the war came along and I decided to join the army and serve my country. A little while after my first few missions, I was finally shot down and captured. That's how I ended up in Stalag 13 and met the guys."

"Aw, at least you got to make friends!" With this comment, Carter looked back at the bickering English and Frenchman and the philosophical African American and German.

"Yeah... I guess I did." He said with a slight grin on his face.

At this point, this was the most calm that the kitchen was to ever experience, and that was all about to change thanks to a clumsy move. Le Beau had finally finished the filling and as he and Newkirk finally set the pan into the oven, it happened.

"Uh, Le Beau?" Newkirk asked quite nervously.

"Can it wait Newkirk? I am trying to figure out how this oven works" Le Beau nonchalantly says.

"Le Beau, look at the bloody oven?"

"Can it...."

"For gods sake look at the bloody oven!" Newkirk yelled. Now he was fuming.

"WHAT? WHAT IS WRO..." Le Beau cut his sentence off when he saw the inside of the oven smoking.

"WHY ARE YOU STANDING THERE! TAKE IT OUT NOW!" Le Beau yelled. By this point, he had the spoon in his hand.

"YOU PUT THE BLOODY SPOON DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE I TAKE IT AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR RUDDY ASS!

"WHY YOU..." As Le Beau lifted the spoon high above his head, Newkirk was one step ahead and managed to grab a few pans and through it at the angry Frenchman, knocking him down. He cursed as he fell back on his back and by that time, Carter was making his way towards Newkirk's behind along with Schultz and Kinch.

"OW! THAT HURT NEWKIRK!" Le Beau yelled. After a few seconds, Le Beau finally got back up on his feet but before he could do anything, he began to smell smoke and suddenly found himself outside the bakery. A few seconds later, he found himself outside with everyone else. Within seconds, what seemed to be the kitchen annex of the gingerbread building caught fire and Le Beau found himself eyeballing Newkirk.

"What the hell are you looking at me for? I tried to bloody warn you so don't blame me." Newkirk said with a hint of annoyance.

"Espèce d'idiot, tu aurais dû m'avertir!" Le Beau yelled. By now, his temper had reached it's breaking point and he lunged over towards Newkirk, spoon in hand. Surprisingly enough while all that was happening, Pinkie managed to pull some popcorn out of her mane and she shared it with Carter, Kinch, and Schultz as they watched the fight while they waited for the fire department to show up. For a while, it was quite amusing seeing the Frenchman and Englishman try to through punches at each other. They only intervened when Le Beau managed to pin Newkirk down and was about to actually stick the spoon up Newkirk's ass. Hogan, while all of that was occurring, was sitting down on a nearby bench (which was a bit small for him) with his head down in his hand, clearly pissed off on how such a thing could happen. But enough of that, now back to the present.

*** *** ***

"Carter, that was actually underwhelming." Hogan said, still mad about all that he heard.

"Well, I can't lie to you Colonel. If I were to..." Hogan shot him a glare which shut Carter up.

"Alright, at least we know what happened. Question is, what the hell do we do now? There is no way in hell those two are staying together while we are here." Kinch said. Hogan could not help but nod to his second in command. As much as Hogan liked to be in-charge, sometimes he needed Kinch to just take over for him, even if it meant saying his words. "What say you Miss Twilight?" Kinch asked, facing towards Twilight.

"I... um... well, I really don't want to separate you all right now before the Princesses come and help sort your situation out, but I don't see any other choice." She said nervously. Looks like the day was gonna be even longer, but at least Hogan knew what happened.

"Kinch?"

"Yeah Colonel?"

"Remind me to get Klink to fireproof the barracks if we ever get back."

"You got it Colonel."

Author's Note

Yay! I got it done! Now, I got a comment about my writing, in where I need to probably improve my descriptions and such while the dialogue is alright. Thankfully, that was finally said. I hope to revise all of these chapters as soon as I complete this story.

So, it seemed a bit underwhelming to end a build-up like this but there is a method to my madness. And I Discord might find a new friend as well.

Now, I have a question for all of you lot, would you like to see a MLP version of Hochstetter appear, or should I keep referencing our favorite Gestapo Major?

Short: Meanwhile at Stalag 13

"Wilson, where the hell are they? They should've been back a while ago, all Colonel Hogan said he was gonna put the general on a plane with the other pilots. It shouldn't had taken them long!" Sergeant Baker frantically asked.

"Look Baker, did you not listen to the god damn briefing again? Colonel Hogan also mentioned the refinery." Camp Medic Wilson replied.

"Keep your damn voice down or the guards will hear!" Baker nearly yelled. As worried as he was, he was somewhat over exaggerating.

"Christ, give it a break man. Langenscheidt's in charge while Schultz is with Hogan. Besides, both Klink and Burkhalter are fast asleep. You happy now?" He asked as he tries to calm down his friend.

"Oh... fine... Should we at least check on those two sleeping beauties anyway?"

"Say that again and I will have god damn nightmares."

"At least it ain't like seeing Goering in swimming trunks."

"Great.... I cannot un-see that now. Thanks a lot asshole."

*** *** ***

Inside the room, it was all quite. Cigar smoke hung low as the two German officers were fast asleep with cards spread out all over their table. By the looks of it, it looked like Hogan was winning but his hand looked weak.

"Shit, looks like Le Beau did it again." Baker chirped cheerfully.

"Yeah, I guess he did. I hope I don't have to examine Burkhalter though if he wakes up with a headache." With that, the two PoWs chuckle. Their chuckle however is short lived when the sound of jackboots marching up the wooden steps is heard. Immediately, they try to make it back to the tunnel under Klink's stove but don't even reach the door when Langenscheidt walks in.

"Herr Kommandant, I am just wond...." He paused when he saw Baker and Wilson freeze on their way to the kitchen and Klink and Burkhalter fast asleep. Knowing the jig was up, Baker and Wilson quickly glanced at each other and then Baker spoke.

"Hey there Langenscheidt... heh... we were just uh... checking on the Kommandant and..." Before he could finish the lie, Langenscheidt holds his index finger up in the air to shut him up. Soon after, a few groans are heard coming from Klink's half opened mouth, followed by some drunken sounding words.

"Fraulein Hilda, please get me Sergeant Schultz for roll call." Immediately, Klink begins to (rather sloppily) try to get himself out of the chair. What came next though was quite shocking. When Klink was getting up, Langenscheidt simply hit Klink rather firmly with the butt of his rifle and immediately Klink fell back in his seat with his head resting on the table. As soon as the deed was done, Langenscheidt turned to Wilson and Baker and said the most shocking words they would ever expect to hear from Langenscheidt.

"Go, get out of here. I see nothing, and I know nothing." He said with a smile. With that, Langenscheidt exited to building and Baker and Wilson made it back into the tunnel, still somewhat shocked from the ordeal.

Author's Note

Wow, two chapters in almost 12 hour spans of each other! New record!

Anyways, this was planned for weeks but I never really got around to it. However, the perfect opportunity came... Traffic. See, in Southwest Florida on Interstate 75, especially in the snowbird season, it is like people don't know how to drive and even if there is an accident on the southbound road, all traffic northbound slows down because of those idiots. So I started this and finished about when this gets posted (clearly). Please note this was done on my phone so expect some typos. If not, yay!

As always, leave a comment or suggestion. Hell, even like it or recommend it to a friend if you think it is worth any such thing! See you next chapter folks!

Preparations

Mornings in Canterlot were usually calm. What made them very hectic was Day Court. Now normally, the nobles would not bother try to throw useless nonsense up onto the docket, but today... today they nearly crossed the line. Now in the one rare moment where Blueblood actually showed actual competence, he openly argued with the noble who sought to push his legislation for the nationalisation of the Manehattan industrial sector in front of both Celestia and Luna. Needless to say, it was quite a funny scene to see. Thankfully, Blueblood's moment to shine took over a few hours and by the time the argument was over (which could've ended if Celestia automatically turned it down, which she waited to do so), so much time had been taken and most of the other nobles decided to go get some food so Day Court was officially put on recess. And recess was the perfect time to take a trip to see 6 certain ponies in Ponyville.

Getting into the Royal Carriage as soon as all the nobles had left, Celestia and Luna quickly had the Pegasi take off to avoid anymore pestering. In the air, Luna and Celestia finally had the chance to talk about their new visitors.

"So tell me Luna, what did you find out about our 6 new guests?" Celestia asked with curiosity.

"Well sister, I only managed to speak with one of the in his dreams. He was actually not their commander but rather a guard assigned to guard them in some sort of Prisoner of War camp." Luna replied.

"What is this guard like?"

"Well for one, his name is Hans Schultz. From our little conversation we had, he seemed quite kind and very intelligent. Back in his world before he became a guard, he was actually the owner of a toy company. From the looks of it, he seemed to be well liked and quite successful as well Sister. I think you would like him."

"What of the others? Did he mention them?"

"He did not mention the others with him other than their commanding officer. A Colonel Hogan. Be careful though, Hans said that he is quite the manipulator."

"How is that?"

"I do not know, all he mentioned was that this Colonel Hogan and his men pull "Monkey Business" in and around the area of their prison camp."

Luna watched as her sister took time to think. Knowing Celestia, Luna knew that she planning something diplomatic. That was her specialty, diplomacy. Centuries of dealing with Nobles taught Celestia very well on how to be diplomatic, especially with manipulators.

"Well, did Twilight tell you where they were staying by any chance?" Celestia finally answered.

"She said that they were staying in Sugarcube Corner until we arrived. Knowing Pinkie, she probably made some sort of feast and already threw them their party." With that, the two sisters had a good laugh. For the next 30 minutes, the rest of the flight was calm..
That is until they reached Ponyville.

"Sister, do you see that?" Luna asked. For a second, Celestia took a glance at where Luna was looking before finally answering.

"You mean the smoke Luna?" She answered.

"Yes, where do you think it is coming from?"

"Well, it sort of looks like.... Sugarcube Corner..."

Buck.

*** *** ***

"Twilight, the Royal Carriage just landed at Sugarcube Corner!" Spike yelled.

Curious, Hogan went up to where the young dragon was calling out. When he finally made it to the balcony, he had to duck his head to make sure he did not hit his head of the frame.

"Whatcha looking at Spike?" He asked. Nearly surprised by the towering man over him, Spike jumped back against the wall before regaining his courage.

"Uh... Well... The Royal Carriage just touched down near... Sugarcube Corner." He said. Hogan could sense a hint of either fear or worry in Spike's voice and decided to not ask too many questions.

"Easy their kiddo, I ain't gonna do any harm." He said soothingly.

"Mr Hogan, may I call you that?" He got a nod from Hogan. "It's just well... your men kinda..." With that, Hogan decided to cut him off.

"Yeah... Well, would you trust me if I tell you that Newkirk and Le Beau will face the required punishment for their actions on my part?"

Spike nervously nodded "Yes" to Hogan and now Hogan knew he could begin to ask questions.

"Alright, now I got a question for you Spike, who is coming out of that carriage?" He asked soothingly.

"Well... the princesses Mr Hogan. Both Princess Celestia and Luna. You see, Celestia raises the sun and Luna raises the moon each day." Spike explained.

"Great..." Hogan thought, "I am now dealing with all powerful beings that can move two celestial bodies that they are ironically named after... just great."

"Alright, thanks Spike." He said, giving the little dragon a friendly salute.

Making his way downstairs, he knew he had only a limited amount of time to get things ready so he needed to act fast.

"Kinch! I need you over here pronto!" He called out.

"Whatcha need Colonel?" Kinch asked.

"Alright, we don't got much time but I need the boys looking somewhat presentable. It looks like we are going to have Royal guests."

"Sir, what about Le Beau and..."

"Untie their legs and ungag them, but keep their hands tied together. I want Schultz and Carter behind them making sure they don't pull shit. Clear?"

"Crystal Sir." With that, the two men saluted quickly and Kinch got to work while Hogan looked for a mirror to try and straighten up his uniform. Thankfully, another one of Twilight's friends (who was rather someone posh and ironically named Rarity) came over and she just happened to be carrying a little pocket mirror with her. Once he saw that he looked somewhat presentable, Hogan thanked the posh little pony for the mirror and made his way back to his men. Just as he had ordered, both Le Beau and Newkirk were untied and ungaged (minus the hand restraints) and Carter and Schultz were behind them making sure they did not try to pull anything. Normally, Schultz and Carter were quite lax (unless Carter was pulling off one of his little impressions) but the look on their faces showed that they were both quite serious about what Newkirk and Le Beau did and trying to prevent another incident happening again. Kinch was beside Twilight and her friends whispering something info the latter's ear. They seemed to both nod in agreement about something and Kinch made his way over to Hogan.

"Sir, I just spoke with Ms Sparkle over there and she said she could put a mute spell on those two."

"A mute spell?"

"Yes Sir, a mute spell."

Christ, Hogan knew he needed a break from this as soon as possible.

"Alright, let her cast it."

"I'll let her know."

"Oh, and Kinch..."

"Yes Colonel?"

"... Thanks for putting up with all of this for the past few months."

"It's all part of the job Sir, and besides, I'd rather do it with you other than anybody else." Kinch said with a smile as he went back over to Twilight.

It was a few more minutes before the door was knocked upon. When Twilight opened it up, in came some sort of extravagant looking pony adorned in gold armor.

"Please make way for their Majesties Princesses Celestia and Luna." He said in rather official voice. A few moments later, he made way for the two royals to make their way inside.

Author's Note

Alright, this is sorta a filler chapter so then I can get prepared for the meeting between Hogan's Heroes and the Diarches of Equestria. I also hope you all got somewhat surprised at the little hint of intelligence Blueblood had shown in the beginning. Anyways, stay tuned for the next chapter.

(P.S. Debating on adding a Major Hoofstetter.)

The Princess, The Colonel, and the Oddly Familiar Major

Whatever Luna was thinking before she walked into Twilight's library, it all went away like the wind when she saw Hans Schultz and five other humans standing at attention in front of her and Celestia. Unlike how she saw Schultz in his dream, she fully saw the pudgy man in his uniform. Looking at the rest of the group, she noticed that two of the humans, one of whom was rather short, both had faces of held up rage. Their faces reminded her of Blueblood's face before he broke out into his competent rant against the noble earlier that day. The other humans in the group still looked quite cautious, especially one wearing a peaked cap with an Eagle and a Shield with stars and stripes on it. This was probably the Colonel Hogan Schultz was talking about in their little dream talk over the night. From one look, it was clear that this Colonel was either mad, suspicious, or both. The suspicion was quite warranted but the anger that seemed to show strain in his face seemed uncalled for. Whatever he was angry about, it looked like it was going to have to wait.

When the formalities were set aside, the questions began with Celestia taking the lead.

"Good Morning to all of you. My name is Celestia, Princess of the Sun and Co-Ruler of Equestria. To my left is my sister Luna, Princess of the Moon and also Co-Ruler of Equestria." With that, Luna nodded silently, still trying to analyze the rest of the men.

"Now, if I may ask, what might be your names?" Celestia asked.

Immediately, the Colonel walked up smoothly, saluted both of the princesses, and began to state his name and rank quite officially.

"Good Morning Princesses, my name is Colonel Robert Hogan, Senior Prisoner of War at Stalag 13 and former CO of the 504th Bombing Group."

"Bombing Group?" Celestia asked puzzled.

"Just extra details, now I think you'd like to meet the boys, would you?" He asked quite swiftly.

"Erm... of course. Please, do so." Celestia reluctantly agreed. Though she could see that her sister was puzzled, Luna knew all too well what game the Colonel was playing. Skipping to the point to draw attention away from a different topic. It was not exactly manipulative, but it was an easy way to get out of something. Most normal ponies who have not experienced this yet would not notice it. Other ponies would simply be naive to it, Celestia included.

One by one, Hogans's men and Schultz were introduced to the Princesses. The two humans she noticed earlier, named Le Beau and Newkirk, seemed to be uncomfortable when the two Alicorn's came up. When Luna passed them, she took a subtle note to see that both men's... hands as they are called... were bound together by rope and held together by Schultz and another human named Carter. Both of them showed a friendly face when the Princesses passed by but then turned serious as soon as Luna and Celestia were passed them. When all was said and done, Luna and Celestia knew all their names. Hogan was their commander, Kinchloe was Hogan's second in command and radio operator, Carter was a demolitions expert, Newkirk was a tailor, and Le Beau was their chef. Like Luna before she got deep into her conversation with Schultz, Celestia was surprised to hear that Schultz was actually the chief of the guards that guarded Hogan and his men at their Prison Camp. But the details regarding that were lost when Twilight asked that they all sit down.

Making their way to the center of the library, all of them sat down in more of a circle and really just began to talk about each other and ask questions. Carter proved to be somewhat similar to Pinkie Pie as he tended to ramble on with his explanations and stories. It was quite amusing though when Hogan, Schultz, and the others just stared at him which told him "Shut up Carter". Hogan however proved to be quite suspicious. Luna noticed that he would ask quite a lot of questions and seemed quite tense. Once again, everypony else did not notice that but Luna. She made a mental note to enter the Colonel's dreams when night fell.

The nicest part of the morning though was when Pinkie Pie brought Schultz some Apple Strudel. When he saw the dessert on the plate, his eyes sparkled with joy as a big smile appeared on his rather chubby looking face. He was a gentlecolt though and courteously thanked Pinkie for the gesture. He even shared it with all the others. Le Beau and Newkirk however glared at each other when the Strudel was passed out. Clearly something happened earlier so Luna decided to ask after they had finished. However, that was not meant to be as the door to Twilight's library crashed open and a certain pony investigator walked in fuming with rage.

*** *** ***

Deja Vu is something that seems to only happen on rare occasions. This was one such occasion. When Hogan turned to see who nearly busted down the door, a brown pony wearing a suit, overcoat, and black fedora, with a jet black mane and an oddly familiar thin mustache firmly walked in with a face of held up rage clearly showing. Immediately, he turned to Hogan and then to the pony nearest to him.

"WHO IS THIS CREATURE?" He yelled at Rainbow Dash. As soon as Hogan heard the voice, he nearly fainted.

Hochstetter... Of all people Hochstetter... he thought. When he looked around, he saw that Schultz had turned pale white while Kinch held his head in the palm of his hand. Carter had already fainted and was being resuscitated by Twilight and Newkirk and Le Beau just stared at each other in shock.

Before this pony Hochstetter could get an answer out Rainbow Dash, Celestia stepped in.

"Major, I did not expect to see you here." She said diplomatically.

"Princess, the Equestrian Investigation Service is always on top of things." He retorted back at her. Now, in the time Hogan was in Equestria, he had some time to learn about a bit of recent history. And seeing how many villains had attacked this nation, he decided to retort back.

"Clearly recent history shows otherwise Major." That set it off.

"WHO IS THIS CREATURE?" The pony Major yelled, his voice louder than before. Now Luna decided to get in.

"MAJOR HOOFSTETTER, KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN OR I WILL HAVE THE ROYAL GUARD REMOVE YOU FROM THE BUILDING!"
She yelled. Well, it was not exactly a yell, but more of a very loud and official voice. But like Hochstetter, Hoofstetter would not let up.

"I will get to the bottom of this! I will surround this town with a ring of iron if I must!" He yelled. Now it was just getting too easy for Hogan.

"Oh, just like you did all those other times?"

Right on queue, Hoofstetter reached his peak.

"BAHHH!" The irate pony major yelled as he stormed out of the door in a fit of rage.

Hogan was too busy snickering when Newkirk spoke up.

"Ey there Colonel? Is it me, or does that ruddy Major seem oddly and scarily familiar?" He asked.

"You know Major Hoofstetter?" Twilight asked.

"Well, we don't know him, but I am pretty sure we know his counterpart in our world." Hogan responded.

When the color returned to Schultz's face, the round Sergeant got up and made sure to look out the window and lock the door before he sat down. Unbeknownst to Hogan, he had no idea that Schultz was absently wishing for his rifle right there with him... loaded.

Author's Note

Finally pushed it out. Got a bit of writer's block. Major Hoofstetter is here and he is on a mission. Find out how Sugarcube Corner burned down and who these new creature were. Expect a whole lot more from him next chapter as I will freestyle a bit.

Major Hoofstetter

The Equestrian Investigation Service, or EIS, was a respectable organization. For years, ever since a little incident with the Griffons, the Investigation service had served Equestria greatly. Even before it existed, the ancestors of the organization's founders had done similar jobs during the times of Starswirl. But now, in the nearly 1000 years of somewhat undisturbed peace, the service had found inself focused on mainly internal and external threats or crimes. One notable example was when Prince Blueblood was caught attempting to embezzle funds from the budget. Needless to say, that stupid noble learned his lesson after 10 minutes with Hoofstetter.

Working for the service was an honor that Hoofstetter took great pride in doing. Even since he was a Colt, he dreamed of serving Equestria to his highest ability. When he came of age, he attempted to try out for the Royal Guard. Needless to say though, his short stature did not help him in any way. However, he was spotted out by a recruiter from the service, and putting his already good investigational mind to good use, he passed his entrance exam with flying colors. So for nearly the last decade, Hoofstetter was a well respected, and well feared, investigator for the EIS.

Recent years though have not done good for the reputation of the service though. It all started with Nightmare Moon. Hoofstetter and his colleagues were the first to try to notify Celestia, but she for some reason brushed it all off. And even though Luna was forgiven, many blamed the service for not taking precautions, especially when the documents surrounding the whole debacle got leaked out by some Manehattan reporters. It took a few months for that to be brushed under the rug. The next issue came with Discord... Oh Discord...

When that creature broke free from his statue, the first thing he did was go to Hoofstetter's office, and simply make a mess of the entire building. Needless to say, he had to snap his way out before Hoofstetter could get his hooves on him when he was surrounded by the Major's "Ring of Iron". The fact of the matter was, nopony was safe near Hoofstetter. It took quite a few sleeping spells to get Hoofstetter to calm down before Hoofstetter was able to personally head to Ponyville with a large amount of investigators with him. However, by the time he got there, the whole issue was sorted out, and it left the Major fuming even more. When Discord's statue was returned to Canterlot, Celestia herself had to post guards in front of the gates to his podium so Hoofstetter would not destroy Discord. Needless to say, even though Discord is now "reformed", Hoofstetter was still planning his revenge. And now the crown jewel on top, this Colonel Hogan.

The day he had met the... human... Colonel, it had started out quite normally. Ever the efficient investigator, Hoofstetter woke up before dawn, ate his regular haybacon, eggs, and black coffee, and made his way over to the main EIS office in Canterlot. The walk there was calm as usual with the occasional fearful glares from the other early bird citizens walking down the streets. When he got to the office, he say down for his morning paperwork and as per usual, ignoring the sunrise coming in through his office window. As sentimental as other Ponies were, Hoofstetter could care less for such things. He had a job to do after all.

He had just gotten to the files regarding mob activity in Manehattan when one of his subordinates, Lieutenant Feldclop came in with a report of a fire at Sugarcube Corner and strange creatures present at the scene. Normally, one would dismiss it as utter nonsense, but Hoofstetter pounced on the report. He was always suspicious of that mare Pinkie Pie. Her file was one of the largest in his filing cabinet. It was always expanding. There was just something off about her, something weird. The fact that she hung out with Rainbow Dash made things even more suspicious. Rainbow Dash actually was nearly arrested multiple times for her shenanigans. The only thing that stopped the Major was the personal intervention of Celestia. But all it did was serve to make his temper boil.

Immediately, he threw on his overcoat over his suit and fedora and rushed his way to the Canterlot train station. The first time he had to do something like this, the ticket booth operator and conductor nearly tried to shun the Major. They learned their lesson immediately when the Major threatened arrest, imprisonment, and possible decapitation for interference in an EIS investigation. Needless to say, no more problems had been encountered. Train rides for work related reasons always made Hochstetter impatient. For as advanced as Equestria was, they still did not make a fast train for the national railways. Even Manhattan had more modern, faster, sleeker trains. And yet for some reason, he was stuck riding some sort of piston engine relic named the "Friendship Express". He had a feeling some budget issues and bureaucratic nobles who wished to curtail modernization efforts had a say in this and he made a mental note to look into it.

Of all places Hoofstetter despised, Ponyville was the town he hated the most. First of all, it was as if the Mayor was too incompetent to even make a uniformed police force and relied on the "Elements of Harmony" to protect the town. Secondly, it was like the entirety of the town was afflicted by some sort of mental disorder that prevented them from using common sense. All they knew how to do was run when there was danger, give into the danger, remain oblivious to the danger, be extremely xenophobic (as shown in the Zecora case file), or act like drugged up Yaks that are high on "friendship". It was sickening, the idea of friendship. Now, friendship and comradery was great and all, but the citizens of Ponyville took it to a whole new annoying level. Not to mention the fact that it was essentially sponsored by Celestia herself. But was could an EIS Major do, threaten his monarch? Sure he could scare the Princess but other than that, he was powerless. Princess Luna however, she was the only pony he could respect. She was the no nonsense type, and her use of the "Royal Canterlot Voice" was just enough to shut somepony down.

Making his way towards the burning bakery, he managed to get through the mound of reporters to see that Pinkie, Princess Twilight, and the creatures had apparently gone. It did not take long to find them though considering that just a few blocks down the road, a sizeable Royal Guard contingent was guarding the area around Princess Twilight's library so it was clear that the creatures were inside. He knew he did not have backup so Hoofstetter put on his regular interrogation face and made his way over to the guards. One flash of his ID and a very... VERY stern look into the eyes of the guards later, he found himself nearly bursting through the door.

When Hoofstetter got inside, it was clear everypony was surprised by his presence. Even the crea... humans were. A big fat one in a helmet nearly turned pale while another one fainted. He knew he had the floor.

Hoofstetter then turned to the nearest pony, ironically Rainbow Dash, and began his questioning. After one short outburst, reprimand from the princesses, and embarrassment from the Colonel, Hoofstetter was outside again, plotting his next move. This time, the EIS would not be humiliated. He would get to the bottom of the entire debacle, even if it meant surrounding the entire miserable town with a ring of EIS agents. He would get that Colonel, one way or another. But for now, he looked at his pocket watch and saw that it was nearly noon. Almost time for those blasted migraine pills he thought as he made his way to the nearest diner.

Author's Note

Got this chapter done! For those that do not know, this is essentially a backstory to Hoofstetter and Hoofstetter's perspective from when he first meets Hogan's Heroes. Next chapters will delve into the more... Gestapo parts. If I do not complete the next chapter in a week's time, HEADS WILL ROLL!

The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 1

It looked as if Hochstetter was right, nobody could escape the clutches of the Gestapo... even if you were in another world. This Major Hoofstetter was a near exact copy of Hochstetter in nearly every single way possible, minus the trifling fact that he wasn't human. For all that Hogan had dealt with Hochstetter, the man still scared him. And if the two rulers of this nation look worried about the Major, it was clear that the usual stunts would not work.

If this were Stalag 13, it would be an entirely different story, thanks to three factors: Klink, Schultz and Langenscheidt, and the Underground. Klink was too much of a chicken to do anything, Schultz and Langenscheidt always kept their mouths shut, and the Underground always kept tabs on the friendly local Hammelburg Gestapo Chief. But this was uncharted territory in uncharted waters. No Klink to make a mess for Hogan to hide behind, no prison guards to see nothing, and no Underground for logistical support. The only support Hogan could possibly rely on was the six so-called "Elements of Harmony" and their two rulers. But even then, Hogan was still suspicious of them all, and he had a right to be. Especially that Princess Luna... something was off about her, he just knew it. But such musings would have to wait for the next day. Rubbing his eyes, he climbed into the sleeping bag and slowly but surely drifted off to sleep.

*** *** ***

Night had once again fallen. This time, however, the pain of Night Court was not present. After finishing up her dream rounds in Vanhoover, Luna made her way back to Ponyville. The night was still young, and luckily not a lot of nightmares were about so there was plenty of time for Luna to observe a certain suspicious figure, Colonel Hogan.

Well, okay, he was not that suspicious, but he seemed secretive and was clearly a manipulator. Their little encounter with the good Major earlier that day showed it pretty well. However, it was clear something was bothering the Colonel. Better to solve a problem before it gets worse, or even before it happens.

Finally reaching Ponyville, Luna made her way into the library and soon found herself in front of the sleeping soldiers. Newkirk and Le Beau both had their legs chained to the wall while the rest slept on the floor covered in blankets and pillows. They all seemed so peaceful, their dreams calm. Well, all except for the Colonel. His dream, while not exactly bad, definitely looked unsettling. Once again, just as she had with Schultz, Luna prepared herself to enter the mind of Robert Hogan. And just like that, she was in his dream.

*** *** ***

All was quiet when Luna entered Hogan's mind. Until she heard a slight rumbling noise. When she looked around, she found herself by the side of a black paved road. Unlike Schultz's dream, Hogan's did not seem to take place in a city, but rather in a rural or suburban area of some sort, judging by the surroundings. But back to that noise.

For a few seconds it grew louder until Luna finally spotted lights coming down one end of the road. But as fast as this — apparition -- had appeared, it kept on moving towards its destination. However, Luna did get a good look at it. It seemed like one of those mechanical carriages that she had seen in Schultz's dream, although this one seemed slightly modified.

But there was no time to track all these details. Luna knew she needed to find Colonel Hogan, so her best bet was to follow the mechanical carriage. She could sense that it would lead her to the Colonel.

Taking flight, she quickly caught up with the speeding carriage and followed it for what seemed like a few miles, not stopping a moment, even for breath. After a while, lights began to appear in the distance, and as she flew closer, she could make out what seemed like a large city in the distance, rather like Manehattan, if on a smaller scale. Large floodlights were high in the the sky as she followed the carriage onto a large wide road with other carriages of different sizes.

Finally, the carriage slowed down as traffic grew heavier. Cloaking herself to match the darkness of the night, Luna flew down to get a good view of the passenger inside the mysterious mechanism. Inside, it was nearly pitch black, but she could somewhat make out two figures in the dark. Behind the glass window, Luna could see two humans in the carriage, sitting in the front seats. The one on the right side was clearly female while the male on the left was the one controlling the carriage. Trying not to reveal herself, Luna waited until a nearby large carriage passed by and one of the electric lights in its front shone through the window, giving Luna a good view of her target. Before her eyes sat a quite younger looking Colonel Hogan.

His facial features were relatively the same, albeit a bit more defined with youth. He seemed to be wearing regular clothing, not the uniform Luna had seen on him in the waking world. But something else was different... he seemed calm and happy. He did not seem as tense as he was in the library, especially after Major Hoofstetter’s visit.

But before Luna could analyze the situation any further, traffic began to move again and she was forced to resume chasing the car. After a few miles of stop and go traffic, Luna found herself next to a large sign illuminated by small floodlights. On it was the city's name:

Welcome to Indianapolis

Indianapolis, the name sounded somewhat familiar but was probably not so important just then. She still needed to follow Colonel Hogan to his destination.

Hogan had maneuvered his car off the road and made his way through the city with his lady friend alongside. The shining lights and bustling city streets made it look like Manehattan during the Noir days. While Luna was busy admiring the city around her, she nearly failed to notice Hogan and his lady friend stop and get out of their carriage and head into a building. When she finally took her eyes off the buildings, Hogan had already walked inside. She almost went in through the front door until she remembered she could just walk through the wall since it was a dream. When she made it inside, she was greeted by some energetic jazz music and dancing humans. The night was looking to be a long one for Luna.

Author's Note

Alright, got this one done! Aiming for shorter chapters for better release dates now. And yay... I got it proofread! Thanks a whole lot to Bitpull for proofreading this. Otherwise... I would expect to see a certain person comment about my typos again. Also, to that certain person... Thank you for telling me to pull my head out of my ass essentially. It means a lot.

Now, for those who might get on me... Yes, I know Hogan in the show is from Cleveland Ohio, however it is said that he also lived in Milwaukee and Indianapolis. So, since I myself am from Indiana (not Indianapolis but Fort Wayne rather...), I decided to put in a city I know a tad bit more. Tbh Indianapolis is not a bad city... Probably is better than a lot of Indiana tbh.

Anyways, hope you found this little part appealing to your Hogan's Heroes appetite! As always, leave a comment and if necessary, respectful criticism, below! I am all ears (unless it involves Monkey Business. Then I hear nothing!)

The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 2

All around the dance floor, there was music and laughter. The humans seemed to be drowning in euphoria, so much so that they failed to notice the dark blue alicorn standing beside the entrance. Well... That would not be entirely true. The only sentient minds in the dream belonged to Colonel Hogan and Luna. All the other humans were either constructs of Hogan's mind or simple memories.

Making her way through the happy crowd of lightly sozzled men and women, Luna checked every corner of the dance floor until she found the Colonel. He and his date were keeping pace to the music. Their dancing did not slow and the smiles on their faces kept growing wider. Eventually, the music stopped and Hogan and his lady friend refreshed themselves at the bar before returning for the next song.

Unlike the previous song, this one was slower in its tempo. By now, the room had quieted down as the couples began to file back onto the dance floor for the slow dance. At one moment, Luna nearly paused Hogan's dream so she could finally be able to speak with him, but an odd development came up that she needed to see.

About halfway through the song, a man walked up to Hogan and his lady friend. From the looks of it, he was pestering them about something. Luna decided to get a closer look and listen in on the conversation.

"God dammit Rob, I told you to stay away from her, she's my girl," Luna heard a gruff voice say.

"Oh for God's sake Mike, just drop it. We are done." a female's voice said.

"Lisa, you don’t know what you’re talking about, God dammit! Now go and wait in the car!" the gruff voice yelled.

"Mike, look here… let's just cool off, talk it over, maybe have a beer..." Luna heard Hogan say.

"I don't give a damn about talking, just gimme back my damn girl before I bust your rear end," Mike said with a slight slur of the word rear.

“For God's sake, Mike, are you drunk?" Hogan asked.

"Oh what the hell do you care Rob? I don't have time for your bullshit any..."

"Mike, just stop it now!" Lisa screamed.

"Lisa I said wait in the God damn car!" Mike yelled, curling his hand into a fist. Just before he could take a swing, Hogan's hand intercepted it.

"Mike, just cool your ass down... you're making a godawful scene," Hogan calmly said.

"Listen here Rob, I don't give a damn about what you have to say. I will take what is MINE and mine alone! Am I God damn clear? Or do I have to do something else to get it through your thick skull?"

"Mike... you don't want to do that."

"Or what Rob? Tell me, what the hell are you gonna do eh? Is poor Robby Hogan gonna run home to Colonel Eddy Hogan to chase the bullies away? Poor Robby Hogan..."

"Mike, I will ask you once, please leave now."

"I don't care about what you have to say to me Rob... you had your chance and now I am done with your God damn games." With that, Mike pulled out of his pocket a small silver object. It looked like a miniaturized cannon with a trigger on it. Mike pointed it towards Robert's head. When the crowd saw it, they began to run and scream in panic.

"Put the gun down Mike, please!" Lisa pleaded. As she cried, Hogan still kept up a brave face somehow, not faltering even though the (apparent) weapon was pointed straight at his head.

"You know what... I just realized something Robby..." Mike said, lowering the weapon. Luna could hear Hogan whisper to himself C'mon Mike, just keep lowering the gun. but what happened next shocked him. "I don't need Lisa" Mike said, and pointing the gun at her.

As soon as he pulled the trigger, Hogan tried to push Lisa out of the way and stand in front of her. After the first shot rang out, Mike looked at Hogan in shock before firing again. Mike managed to fire a couple shots into Hogan's thigh and hip before the other man knocked him to the ground. They kept throwing punches at each other until Hogan took the gun from Mike's hand and fired it once into Mike's chest, not killing the man outright but still putting Mike in immediate danger of bleeding out and drowning in his own blood.

With that, there was only silence as a bleeding Hogan and Mike stared at each other. Hogan finally broke eye contact as he tried to get to Lisa's side. Finally managing to crawl his way to Lisa, Hogan saw a sight he would never un-see. Right in front of him on the ground, Lisa lay bleeding from her gut. When she saw Hogan, they spoke to each other in whispers but the conversation was lost to Luna, too shocked to try and focus. Suddenly, sirens began to wail and soon enough, police and paramedics poured into the building, taking a wounded Mike away cuffed on a stretcher. Hogan however, just kept hugging Lisa. It took four paramedics to tear a crying Hogan away from her. They were loaded onto stretchers and taken away.

As Hogan was put into the back of a large mechanical carriage, Luna could see that he was nearly hysterical, calling out the name "Lisa" every time pressure was applied to his wound. He never stopped crying, all the way to Indianapolis City Hospital. Once there, he was rushed into intensive care for severe blood loss. At this point the entire dream shifted.

Reorienting herself from the dream shift, Luna found she was perched on a cloud in the middle of the night, Hogan nowhere to be found. Once again, Luna began to hear a faint humming noise. She thought it was one of the mechanical carriages until the noise came closer. When the noise became almost deafening, Luna cast a noise buffering spell and looked down from her cloud. Large mechanical beasts with wings droned below her. She knew Hogan was probably in one of them as soon as they all passed by. She took flight in pursuit, soaring in between the giants. There must be hundreds of them she thought as she made her way through the endless stream of Flying Fortresses.

Finally, Luna reached the lead airship. Her eyes caught the writing on its nose ...

Goldilocks

On a whim, she decided to take a look inside the cockpit and sure enough, there sat Robert Hogan, flying the beast. Before she could teleport in though, large blooms of smoke began to explode all around her. Hogan flew his machine well through it until one lucky shot saw his right wing catch fire. The flying machine was headed for a crash landing. And once again, the dream shifted. This time though, there was no broad setting, but rather a small, damp, concrete cell. Inside that cell, was a disheveled, unshaven, and beaten Colonel Hogan. Bruises and cut marks covered his entire body, his clothing torn at the seams. Only his cap was untouched, sitting nearly clean beside the unbroken but tortured man. Luna began to brace herself for what looked to be her worst memory encounter in centuries.

Author's Note

I went very dark with this chapter story... but I did it for good reason. If one wishes to understand Papa Bear, one must delve into the past of Papa Bear. I tried to keep this as canon as possible (obviously the Indianapolis tragedy is from the making of my own... I won't say dark... but well... creative character building mind). Once again, thanks to Bitpull for proof reading this chapter. I hope this does not displease you all though... this is for story development! But still, be prepared for the next chapter... that may be the darkest I shall ever write.

(Quick Note, Indianapolis City Hospital was the name of one of the hospitals in Indianapolis at the time. I try to conduct research on locations to the best of my ability at times.)

The Mind of Robert Hogan; Part 3

Luna knew what prisons were like. For centuries, she had sentenced countless ponies to be sent to the dungeons of Canterlot. But this... this was a whole new experience for her. There was not much to take in, just simply damp, bare walls. There was a bed, but it was quite bare. The mattress was so thin that it could double up as a blanket, the blanket itself wasn't even a blanket, it was just a large rag. There was not even a pillow in the cell.

Taking in the atmosphere, Luna began to look back at what she had just witnessed. She had witnessed many sides of humanity. Happiness, greed, tragedy, shock, sadness, and war. But now she was about to witness something worse than them all. Torture.

Torture was a word that never went around even the darkest of Equestrian alleys. Even mobsters in Manehattan never stooped down to this level, they maintained their own, twisted sense of honor. But here in this cell, wherever Hogan was... it was as if humanity had lost its... humanity. As much as Luna wanted to get Colonel Hogan out of the cell, she knew she couldn't because it was all a memory. She could stop the memory, but she still needed to learn more about Hogan.

Just as she was about to try and see where she was, Luna heard the faint sounds of polished boots clicking their way towards the cell. When Hogan heard this, he immediately put on his cap and stood up as straight as he could, still attempting to maintain his military discipline. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, the door finally swung open and two men dressed in black uniforms with peaked caps walked in, their faces not betraying whatever their true emotions were. When they finally shut the door, Hogan's face let out a faint smile.

"Are you guys room service? If you are, good... I was about to ask for a refund." He said, earning him a punch to the gut.

"Silence you American pig. You are lucky you aren't dead yet." Said the man who punched him.

"Oh, your too kind." Hogan replied, once again earning him a punch the gut.

"Are you ready to speak Colonel Hogan, or would you like the chair again?" The other man said, his accented voice giving a hint of annoyance.

"That's what they said last time. You know, you guys should really work on your methods. If you want, I can take you over to London so you c..." This time, a fist landed straight in Hogan's face, finally causing the Colonel to collapse.

"You know Colonel Hogan, we have our methods." The man who punched Hogan said.

"Yeah yeah, y'know you should really refine them. I know a few guys back is Ohio that could help you out Captain... Bauer was it?" Hogan said, clenching his bleeding nose.

"Bag him up, and take him to the chair Krauss. I am just about ready to take him the Oflag." Bauer whispered into his colleague's ear.

"An Oflag is too good for this fool, if anything lets take him to a Stalag." Krauss said back.

"Oh, and what Stalag would accept an officer?" Bauer asked suspiciously.

Before Krauss could answer, the cell door swung open and a large man wearing a grey overcoat with a scar on in right cheek walked in. His face serious to the point where when both of the Gestapo officers saw him, their faces went pale and they both immediately snapped into attention.

"G-General Burkhalter Sir! We were not expecting you to be here!" Bauer nervously said.

"And I did not expect an allied officer to be held in Gestapo confinement for over 2 months Hauptmann!" Burkhalter replied. His eyes glared at the Captain with a fire gaze to the point where Bauer began to visibly sweat.

"Herr General... this is a Gestapo m-matter. I must pro..." Krauss tried to say before he was cut off by Burkhalter's glare.

"This has been a Gestapo matter for 2 months and no progress has been made! And now I have the International Red Cross breathing down my neck for this officer's whereabouts! If today's interrogation does not end with any information, you will hand over custody of this prisoner to me! Have I made myself clear gentlemen?"

"J-jawohl, Herr General." Both men said in defeat.

"Good, I expect to be notified when this is over." With that, Burkhalter turned around swiftly and walked out of the cell leaving Hogan and the two Gestapo officers alone.

"Heh, you guys need to grow a pair." Hogan said with a smug grin on his bleeding face. Immediately, Krauss grabbed the pistol on his side and whipped it on Hogan's forehead, knocking him out.

Wiping the blood off the Luger's hilt, Krauss holstered it back in his waist clip and together with Bauer, lifted the unconscious Colonel off the ground and carried him down the hall to another room. Luna, against her better judgement, decided to follow them inside the room.

Once inside the two Gestapo officers closed the door and set Hogan's still unconscious body into a chair with leather straps. When they strapped Hogan's arms and legs to the chair, Bauer took a bucket of water from the corner of the room and splashed Hogan's face with it, causing the Colonel to wake up coughing.

"So Colonel Hogan, we get to play this game again. If you want out, tell us about the Norden!" Bauer said while Krauss was preparing some sort of electrical wires in the back room.

"Oh, well I used the Norden back at the Pentagon. One of the best vacuums I have ever used." Hogan dryly said. When that response came, Bauer pushed the chair back and dipped Hogan's head into a bucket of water.

"Shall I start at low power?" Krauss asked.

"No, go to medium... I am tired of his games." Bauer said, rage teeming in his eyes.

With that Krauss took the two wires and dipped them simultaneously into the water causing Hogan to begin to scream in pain. This process was repeated a few times before Hogan was finally removed from the electrical torture bath and back upright in the chair.

"I will ask again Colonel, what do you know about the Norden?" Bauer once again asked.

"The Norden is a great machine. The dustbag is quite durable I must say." Hogan casually replied. It was odd, how he could remain calm and collected while still being tortured. But once again, he was dipped back into the water and the electricity began to surge through the water at a higher power this time.

When Hogan was finally pulled out of the bucket, Krauss looked at his watch.

"Burkhalter comes back in 20 minutes Bauer."

"He can have his prisoner for all I care. But I think the good Colonel deserves a little parting gift, don't you?" Bauer asked his colleague.

"Yes, I think he does." Krauss replied, an even smile forming on his face.

The next 20 minutes were sights Luna could not bare to watch. The finally stopped torturing Hogan with the water and electricity, but now they were beating the man up. They tore off his shirt and began to whip Hogan's back, painful screams coming out of his mouth with each painful whip making contact. By the time Burkhalter arrived, Hogan was in such a bad shape he needed to be carried out in a stretcher. When Hogan was finally loaded onto the ambulance, the dream once again shifted.

***

When the shift finally stabilized, Luna found herself in the ambulance with Colonel Hogan. By now, he looked somewhat stable but the injuries still showed heavily as he laid on the stretcher unconscious. He looked oddly peaceful though, despite everything she had seen him go through.

After about 10 minutes, the ambulance finally slowed to a stock and noises could be heard outside.

"Ah, General Burkhalter, such a pleasure to see you Sir!" A somewhat egotistical voice said from outside.

"Klink, if it is a pleasure for you, why is it not for me." Burkhalter replied.

With that, the voice shut up for a few seconds before another question pipped up.

"Forgive me Here General, but what is the meaning of this ambulance here? There was not supposed to be any new prisoners here."

"Klink, shut up and let me speak."

"Yes Herr General, shutting up."

"Now, inside is a new prisoner, a Colonel to be exact." Burkhalter began to explain.

"An officer? Herr General, why is this man not at an Oflag?"

"These orders came from the Gestapo Klink. I think you know it wise not to disobey Gestapo orders. But moving on. I would've taken him to a hospital but it appears the Gestapo was not very fond of him. He seemed to annoy them quite a lot." Burkhalter casually explained.

"Rest assured Herr General, he will not be a problem here."

"For your sake Klink, that better be the case. Or else there will be a new opening in the Russian Front for you."

"Yes Herr General." The voice said with a somewhat fearful tone.

Finally, the ambulance doors opened and Luna got a look at what she was facing. In front of her stood General Burkhalter with another officer beside him. The officer beside him wore a uniform similar to Schultz, but it looked more official in terms of tank, and it also had a cap similar to Burkhalter's. The human in question though was devoid of hair on the top of his skull and wore a monocle on his left eye. From the way he presented himself, he looked quite bumbling.

"Schultz! Get Sergeant Wilson here at once." The man yelled.

"Jawohl Here Kommandant!" A voice called back. Looking out of the back of the ambulance, Luna saw the figure of Sergeant Schultz dash off somewhere within the compound. Everything was odd to her at first, but then Luna remembered what she was told. This was Stalag 13.

For a prison camp, it looked surprisingly well kept. Other humans dotted around all corner of the camp, each wearing similar uniforms with divulging ranks. When she looked to her right, Luna caught the eye of Kinch, Le Beau, and Newkirk standing outside one of the barracks looking at the ambulance inside their compound. From the looks of it, they were just as puzzled as the man with the monocle was.

After a few minutes of waiting, Schultz came back with someone Luna could only think was the medic stationed at the camp. By now, Hogan was taken out of the ambulance and his stretcher was on the ground. When Schultz finally saw Hogan, he wore a face of shock and disgust at the Colonel's condition. Finally, he motioned for the medic to help pick up the stretcher and take him over to the medical barracks.

When they began to make their way to the infirmary, Luna overheard Schultz and Wilson talking about something and decided to listen in.

"Jesus Christ Schultz, this guy is in pretty bad shape. I am not sure he will even make it." Wilson said with a whisper so they wouldn't be heard.

"Sergeant Wilson, this is the Gestapo's doing. Most likely, he did not talk. The fact that he is alive after whatever they put him through gives him my respect." Schultz said, trying to focus on trying to keep Hogan's head from falling from his grip.

"I didn't know the enemy could respect one another Schultz."

"Sergeant, let this be between you and I. I despise the Gestapo and their methods along with the National Socialists. If I were younger and did not have a family to manage, I would fight them."

"I figured as much Schultz, your different than the others."

"Thank you Sergeant. Now, I think we best find a bed for my newest headache."

"What makes you think that Schultz?" Wilson asked, genuinely curious.

"I know nothing for now, but I just have a feeling." Schultz said. Finally, both of them disappeared into the building they entered.

When all was said and done, Luna stood shocked. She had seen what humanity was like, kindness, happiness, sadness, grief, pain, and respect. With all she had seen slowly flowing back into her mind, she began to slowly breakdown into sobbing on the camp grounds. She laid their for a while before finally stifling off the last tears before she got up to freeze the dream.

As she lit her horn to freeze the dream, she called out to Hogan.

"Colonel Hogan, can you hear me?" She asked. No answer came. She tried to look around only to find Hogan sitting in a chair in full dress uniform, drinking something from a bottle.

"You called?" He asked, his face emotionless.

"Y-yes..." Luna tried to say before she was cut off by Hogan's index finger.

"Before you stumble upon your own words, at least sit down so we can talk... assuming that is why you entered my mind." He ordered, gesturing towards the chair across from him. He was not threatening, but Luna still felt compelled to follow what he said, not wanting to push it. When Luna sat down, Hogan took another swig of his drink before finally starting off his questions.

"So, I assume you have been watching this all night, is this true?" He sternly asked.

"Y-yes, I have Colonel." Luna shakily replied.

"Christ..." Hogan said under his breath, rubbing his head with his forehead before taking another drink.

"You know... That peculiar drink of yours is not real."

"I like to think of it being real in here. And for your information, it is a beer."

"I-I am sorry to..."

"Don't say anything... please..." Hogan said. From the look in his eyes, he was clearly thinking about something unpleasant.

"Please pardon me for asking... are... are you thinking about... about her?" Luna tried to ask. Her question got it's intended effect though as when Hogan heard about "her", his eyes darted up towards Luna.

"Yes... I am thinking about Lisa..." Hogan said softly. For a moment, the dream shifted back to the dance floor for only a few seconds. Once again, the fight between Mike and Hogan played out before them with both Hogan and Luna turning their heads away from the scene. When the dream finally shifted back to Stalag 13, Luna decided to ask the question lingering on her mind.

"Colonel... Did Lisa... Is she still..." Luna's voice trailed off as Hogan looked up to her wearing a face of sorrow.

"To answer your question... she did survive... but from what I know she was or still is paralyzed from the waist down..."

"Have.... Have you seen her yet?" Luna asked.

"I saw her everyday as soon as I was out of the hospital. I tried to stay with her until she woke up, but well... The service calls." He said, looking down at his uniform. "I was eventually transferred out of the Midwest and got shipped over to the East Coast."

"When was the last you saw her?"

"If I remember correctly... It was the summer of '35... Almost a decade ago..." He said, drifting off into his thoughts.

For a while, he did not speak... His face looking down on the ground. His only movements were to take sips out of his beer. Seeing Hogan in such a mood had Luna trying to think of a response. But all she could think of was useless, it was as if the words wouldn't come to her. Before she could get another thought off, Hogan looked up at her slowly. He wasn't crying, but his eyes were bloodshot red.

"I'm guessing she probably wouldn't want to see me to be honest..." He slowly said.

"Wh-why do you think that Colonel?" Luna asked.

"Well, think... Put yourself in her position. Would you want to see the guy who caused you to be paralyzed?" He stated.

"Colonel Hogan, it is not your fault that Mike did that." Luna said trying to help Hogan see her side.

"No, it is my fault... It is my fault that Lisa is probably still in a wheelchair and Mike is probably in some sort of loony bin."

"Then tell me Colonel, why did Lisa leave Mike?"

"Why do y... Fine. She left Mike because the idiot was a drunken bastard and never could pull his own weight or even get a damn job."

"And how did you treat Lisa."

"I treated her like how any woman should be treated, with respect and compassion. But I should've known god damn better than to piss with that jackass." He said, tears beginning to well up in his eyes.

"Colonel Hogan, look at me. It is. It your fault that Mike decided to do what he did. Even if Lisa did blame you, I am sure she would still forgive you considering how you treated her." Luna said with a conciliatory tone in her voice. She thought she had beaten Hogan, but she was wrong.

"You don't understand... Even if she did forgive me, I still live with that guilt. Every day of my life. You probably don't even know what that feels like do you. You never gone through emotional and physical torture like I have. You have the liberty of living in a good world devoid of what is found normally in my world... well... Minus your version of Hochstetter... But still... You wouldn't know." That statement Hogan made lit a fuse he should've been wise not to light.

"Hogan, you know nothing of me. Did Twilight ever tell you in your short history lesson of my own experiences? I will tell you this right now, I tried to take over Equestria, I hurt thousands of my ponies just because of my own jealousy towards my own sister! And for that, I spent 1000 years trapped on a solitary prison on the moon! You think that I know nothing about guilt? You think the world of Equis is devoid of all things tragic in your world? You think that you and I are different? You are entirely wrong. Yes, you went through severe torture in the hands of the black uniformed humans, but you do not know what it is like to spend 1000 years alone, trapped on the moon with nopony to give you company, and then once released, try to rebuild 1000 years of broken relationships with your former subjects. You know NONE OF THAT!" She yelled, even going so far as to use the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Her response got the effect she wanted. Hogan immediately sat down back in his chair, the flames of rage in his eyes slowly dying down. Now, there sat the one wise-crack Colonel Robert Hogan, diminished, and full of regret. For what seemed like an eternity, they did not speak. After a while, the dream once again shifted. This time though, instead of big cities, suburbs, prison camps, or the night sky... All there was were sprawling green plains, and one solitary tree in the middle of it all with Colonel Hogan nowhere in sight. When Luna got up from the table, it immediately disappeared. A slight breeze began to blow as Luna walked up to the tree.

When Luna finally made it to the tree, she found Hogan sitting on it's side, staring off into the endless plains of grass and flowers. For a while, Luna stood there, unsure of what to do or what to say. She knew what Hogan was thinking about though... atonement. It was clear he was trying to think of some clever way to make up for his past mistakes and he needed to be alone. Without looking back, Luna left Hogan's mind and entered the dreamrealm. Before she left the library to continue the night's work, she looked back at Colonel Hogan. As he slept, she could see that there were faint tears running down his eyes, and his face had a neutral expression surprisingly. It was a good start, getting to know the mysterious Colonel, but she still had gone too deep. All Luna could now do was hope that Hogan would still be open to talk with her. Regardless though, she was not going to enter his dreams as long as he was still here.

Author's Note

I don't really have anything to say... Typing this up was something... Especially the whole Gestapo torture stuff... I won't say much, but maybe a simple coffee can help. And who better to liven things up that Carter.

Carter, Coffee, and Hoofstetter

Morning came quickly for Schultz; he'd slept as well as he had the previous night. To his surprise, he actually found Newkirk and LeBeau still tied up. It was almost as if they hadn't even moved during the night. Well... one could never be too sure at Stalag 13. Schultz knew that all too well.

Getting up from his spot in the room, Schultz took off his helmet and ran his hand through his ever thinning hair. Langenscheidt always questioned Schultz on how he could sleep with his helmet on, but the former teacher never got an answer. It was a habit Schultz had gotten into after spending many hours outside of Barracks 2 while Klink was asleep and monkey business was being perpetrated. One day he will fully learn the art of my methods, he thought to himself. Schultz saw the young Corporal as rather like his old self: Strong, fit, young... but those days were long gone. Schultz knew the war was coming to an end soon; time to start thinking about going back to his Toy Company. He could probably hire Klink as a bookkeeper or general finance chief; it was the only job the Big Shot was competent at. Langenscheidt probably could be a floor manager at the factory assembly line. The kid was jovial and friendly so he would get on well with the workers.

He contemplted a rosy future for a few minutes before his stomach began to growl. I wish the cockroach hadn't messed up yesterday, he could've made a good breakfast today. He looked back at the previous day's events. From LeBeau nearly sticking a spoon up Newkirk's rear to the appearance of a four-legged Hochstetter. The thought of the Major made Schultz shudder with disgust and fear. As if he had just encountered the man again, the close encounters he had had with Hochstetter flowed back into him.

To Schultz's gratitude, his awful memories were interrupted by the noise of someone yawning. Turning around, Schultz saw Spike walking down the stairs, rubbing his eyes.

"Oh, hey there, Mr Schultz... I didn't think you'd be awake by now," Spike said with a yawn.

"Ach, I am a prison guard, I have to wake up early," Schultz responded to the youth.

"Huh... Mr Newkirk said that you fell asleep outside their barracks at night all the time," Spike said with a cheery sound in his voice.

"Jolly Jokers," Schultz muttered under his breath.

"Jolly Jokers? Who?" Spike asked.

"How did you hear what I said?"

"Uh... dragon... heightened sense of hearing and all that," Spike said nonchalantly.

"Oh... I see," grimaced Schultz.

"Well, can I get you anything, Mr Schultz?" Spike asked.

"Ah, I am fine. Danke though," Schultz said as he heard his stomach growl.

"Are you sure Mr Schultz?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow.

Schultz would've downplayed his stomach if it hadn't growled again. Slowly, he resigned himself to the fact that he needed food. Thankfully, as if his prayers were heard, Hogan and his men began to wake up, the Colonel appearing especially groggy.

*** *** ***

There was many things that Hoofstetter had to juggle in his life. And for every item he had to juggle, an extra pill was added to his daily intake. His colleagues in Canterlot probably thought that the medicine is what causes the Major's personality, but they were wrong. Even before he joined the EIS, Hoofstetter was known to not put up with nonsense. He always seemed to have a short fuse.

Many ponies feared him for his temper, especially when somepony tried to put him off or gave a lousy excuse. That was especially true with certain members in the Royal Guard, doubly so for those in charge of the Pegasus Regiment in Cloudsdale. Luckily Hoofstetter had his own connections there. Back when Hoofstetter was still a first class inspector, he caught wind of certain funds from the Cloudsdale Regiment turning up in the oddest of places. So, when he decided to pay a visit to their administration office, the Colonel in charge claimed no wrongdoing and his own documentation seemed to prove it. But of course, Hoofstetter knew he was lying because he was already keeping tabs on the Administrator General of the Cloudsdale Regiment after some of his forms had been mucked up. So, the next step for Hoofstetter twas to go lower down the chain of command. And there he met Lieutenant Colonel Iron Eagle.

From his first impression, Iron Eagle seemed to be overly pompous, sometimes quite jovial, almost aristocratic if not as arrogant as, say, Blueblood. The ego was very much in evidence. But then when Hoofstetter snapped at the Lieutenant Colonel, immediately this attitude changed to one of compliance and fear. How the Pegasus ever became an officer was beyond Hoofstetter. However, the seemingly incompetent officer was quite a good administrator, especially with finances. He kept everything... really, everything, as in every financial record, requisition, sign outs, three-day passes... Anything one could think of, the Pegasus kept tabs on all of it. So it was even more of a surprise to Hoofstetter when he found all the financial records for the embezzled funds in Eagle's folders. Needless to say, the Colonel was court-martialed and Eagle found himself promoted, with of course Hoofstetter keeping tabs on him as well so that the seemingly cavalier officer didn't try anything funny.

But back to the present day. Whenever Hoofstetter needed to think and deliberate, coffee was an essential part to his sanity. So here he was, outside, as menacing as ever, looking for good coffee. He settled on a diner with coffee which, though nowhere as good as the Manehattan coffee blends he had on his kitchen shelf, still did the job rather well. So there he sat in a booth, wondering what to do with the new creatures at Sugarcube Corner. While he sat in deep thought with his face dug deep into his newspaper. He was so focused that he did not notice the diner's door open and Hogan, Carter, and Twilight entering.

*** *** ***

"Uh, why are we here Colonel?" Carter asked, looking up at the diner sign.

"Because, I need a fresh cup of coffee... last night was not one of my better ones," Hogan replied, rubbing his face. From what Carter could tell, the Colonel did look a bit more tired than he would at Stalag 13.

"Alright boy... I mean uh... Colonel," Carter replied as they walked inside.

"You know Mr. Hogan, maybe Princess Luna can help with your sleep issues," Twilight suggested. For a second, Hogan froze when he heard that statement but decided to wave it off.

"I'll consider the offer, but right now I am not in the mood," he replied, a hint of grimace in his voice.

"Oh, it's all right... I understand, really," Twilight replied. It was clear to Hogan she had no idea what had happened during the night so he decided to leave the conversation at that.

When they got up to the counter, Carter and Hogan were surprised at the menu choices. Hayburgers, haysalad, hay-everything. They watched as Twilight ordered all of these things while they deliberated on what to order for themselves, Kinch, Schultz, and the still bound Newkirk and LeBeau.

"Uh... Colonel?" Carter asked.

"Yeah, Carter?"

"Why didn't we bring the rest of the guys with us again?"

Hogan sighed... Normally he would tolerate Carter's sometimes forgetful persona but after last night, he was mentally strained. But for now, he let it pass.

"Because Carter... I don't want those two causing a problem while we get the food." Hogan responded.

"I understand that but uh... why'd you bring me then, Sir? I mean, you could've brought Schultz or Kinch instead of me." Hogan knew the answer all too well.

"Because Carter, I don't want you to let them out accidentally," Hogan lied.

"And why would I ever do that boy... I mean Colonel."

"Remember when you enlisted in the German Army?" With that, Carter fell silent, he knew he had been dealt the coup de grace.

"Hey, it's all right. We all make mistakes. At least you never stuck a spoon up someone's rear," Hogan said with a reassuring tone. With that, a big smile grew across Carter's face.

"Um, you guys ready to order?" Twilight asked, somewhat impatiently.

"Uh... I think we should just get coffee, that sound good to you Carter?" Hogan asked, still gazing at the menu.

"Yeah... Oh, what about some tea for Newark?"

"Newkirk's tea privileges have been suspended until we get back to camp, Carter. And even when we get back, his tea privileges will be suspended for another 3 weeks. I am half tempted to force him and LeBeau into the cooler myself..." Hogan grimaced, remembering watching the bakery catch fire.

*** *** ***

Unbeknownst to him, while they were ordering, Major Hoofstetter had finally noticed the humans and was lurking behind the trio, waiting for them to turn around. He had caught wind of their conversation and decided that it was time to begin asking questions. When they finally turned around, Hoofstetter inwardly laughed as he saw the look on their faces when they saw him. After a few seconds, he began the script.

"WHO IS THIS CREATURE?" Hoofstetter yelled, causing the diner to focus their attention on the four of them.

"M-m-major Hoofstetter, I believe you m-met Colonel Hogan yesterday at the l-library..." Twilight sputtered out, somewhat trembling in fear.

"WHAT IS THIS CREATURE DOING HERE?" He yelled once again.

"M-major... we w-were just getting some f-food for him and his men..." Twilight said, her voice still trembling.

"Bahhh! For all we know, this creature might be the greatest threat in all of Equestria!" he stated. However, his statement was answered not by Twilight but by a seemingly-shocked Hogan.

"Major, I protest these insinuations. Me and my men haven't done anything wrong since we got here... well, save for the little incident at the bakery. But the owners forgave us." Hogan stated, his eyes not darting from Hoofstetter's.

"If you are so confident, then please... come sit down with me so that we may... talk..." Hoofstetter said, malice setting in his eyes. He had known that there was something off about Hogan from the start, especially his demeanor. He watched as the trio looked at each other and then nodded. After getting their coffee, they sat down at Hoofstetter's booth and he began the questioning.

"You... what is your name?" Hoofstetter asked Carter.

"Technical Sergeant Andrew Carter, United States Army Air Forces, Serial Numb..." Carter was cut off by Hogan.

"It's alright Carter... just tell him everything." Hogan said with a smile on his face.

"Everything Colonel?" Carter asked, shocked by the order.

"Yes, I mean everything Carter, from the very beginning." Hogan once again said. It took Carter a while, but he finally figured out what Hogan meant, and a wide grin appeared on his face. Hoofstetter, ever calculating as he was, had no idea what torture he was in for.

*** *** ***

For the next hour, Twilight sat and watched as Carter went on with his statement, well... rather life-story at this point. It had gone on for so long that the Major's ears started fuming, literally. The Major's sanity eventually did snap under the consistent rambling. He threw his wadded up newspaper at Carter and Hogan and vowed to return, barging out of the diner in a fit of rage.

When Hoofstetter finally left, Hogan and Carter began to laugh hysterically, much to Twilight's perplexity.

"Why are you two laughing? You know that the Major will come back and continue his questioning," Twilight stated.

"You see... We have dealt with your dear Major's counterpart in our world. I never thought I'd get a reaction like that though!" Hogan said still laughing.

"You... you have?" Twilight asked, quite surprised at the revelation.

"A story for another time... and don't worry, I won't have Carter tell it." Hogan laughed out. Carter, still snickering, came to (at least some of) his senses.

"Uh, Colonel... what about the coffee?" He asked, looking at all the stale, cold coffee.

When Hogan finally realized that the coffee had gone cold and mumbled under his breath.

Christ...

All he could hope now was that Schultz hadn't eaten anybody in his desperation for food as they went back to the counter to order refills.

Author's Note

What a great way to start off your morning, try to get a coffee and end up nearly causing Hoofstetter's mind to melt. Now if only I started drinking coffee again... maybe get some French Vanilla creamer... wait what... you guys see nothing.

Anyways, new chapter finally out! I needed a bit of a breather due to schoolwork and such, as well as the possibility of starting up a new project focused on another composer (actually including the composer in the story as well.) I won't tell you who it is yet but I will hint to it, Leningrad. Those who know his famous Waltz should know him. Others, I will leave you to think. But be warned, this story is hasn't even got anything written in it... it just has the cover page done essentially.

Now.. info on me... I intend on planning to hopefully alternate between stories again (if my damn mind doesn't give me so many ideas at once for a single story. Curse you my mind!) After I complete this story and my story on Mayor Mare, I hope to be open for commissions and such if anyone wants a story idea made into reality.

Until the next chapter, see you all then!

(All comments and criticism are welcome. Just please be respectful when you provide it. I don't want any hecklers in the crowd if you know what I mean.)

Thanks again to Bitpull for the proofread.

Apologies and Planning

There is a point in time where everypony bucks up. Right now, Luna knew she had bucked up and bucked up hard. When she had ventured into Hogan's mind, she never expected to see what she saw... Let alone witness the horror of it all without being able to do anything about it. If anything, she was naive... Something she hadn't been in a long time.

When she entered Hogan's mind, she thought that she was going to experience a memory similar to that of Schultz's memory. An era bygone through time, only left as a memory in his mind. What she got was a memory... Or well, set of memories... But they were not pleasant. If anything, they were ones of regret and angst, something she never really expected from a p... Male with Hogan's personality and apparent self-assurance.

All throughout the morning, Luna paced in her room and pondered what to do when she and Celestia were to return to Ponyville later in the day. She knew she had to say sorry... But she didn't know how. This simply wasn't a pony she was dealing with for ponies were typically naive and forgiving (yet also quite xenophobic). She was dealing with unknown territory here and she didn't know what to do. Her mind was simply trapped in the thought of it all... Screaming for an answer to be given.

Too deep in thought to pay attention to her surroundings, Luna did not notice her sister tiphoof her way into Luna's room with a silver tray of breakfast being levitated towards her reading table along with a rather dusty and ancient looking book. It was only when her sister came over and tapped her shoulder that Luna was broken from the near trance she was in.

"Sister, please do not scare me like that... You are lucky I did not have the axe with me." Luna said, still somewhat surprised by her sister.

"Oh, and which axe would that be Luna?" Celestia asked.

"The axe used during the wars of griphon unification of course." Luna replied nonchalantly.

"THAT axe... You always said it was your favorite." Celestia said with a chuckle.

"Well... The memory of the glory of it all never leaves me... But I am thankful that the era of such violence has long passed us now." Luna said, her mind drifting back to that first battle on the border.

"Indeed... That was a rather unpleasant time for both of us... But then again, you are the better fighter." Celestia admitted.

"Yes, that may be... But you were the one with the smoothest words. If it weren't for you... I think I would've gained a bloodlust if that war had not ended." Luna replied.

"Well... Let's be thankful that harmony reigns." Celestia said, pouring a cup of tea for herself and Luna.

"Indeed..." Luna said with a sigh.

"Luna, what is wrong? Did you make a mistake?" Her sister asked.

"How do you know that is what happened?" Luna asked.

"Easy, you always make that face when you regret a decision you see as a mistake." Celestia deadpanned, levitating Luna a cup of tea.

"Well, I cannot say you are wrong there sister... My... I have never felt so embarrassed before... Even after all I did that millennia ago." Luna admitted.

"Tell me Luna, what did you do that is... That is giving you this regret." Celestia asked, her face of sympathy washing over her.

"Well... Last night, I looked into the mind of our dear guest Colonel Hogan..." Luna began.

"Well... Was it anything but what I expected after looking into Mr Schultz's mind. Sister... Of all the terrible things I committed during my time, I have never scene such misery... Cruelty... And sadness before in somepony's dream. I should've never even gone into his mind... I should've..." Luna said, nearly beginning to hyperventilate.

"Luna... You don't need to worry too hard over this. You saw that Colonel Hogan is not a being to hold a personal grudge, especially after what his own soldiers did yesterday. I am sure that if you say it to his face that you are sorry, he would forgive you." Celestia advised. For a moment, Luna just stared at her sister, unsure of what to say.

"Do you... You really think that sister?" She asked.

"If I did not, I would've suggested the letter Luna. Now come on... Let's at least have breakfast before we go over the spell that I found in the library." Celestia said, gesturing towards the tray and book on the table.

"Pray tell... How did you find the book so quickly sister?" Luna asked curiously.

"It was quite simple really... Turns out Starswirl had left an entire section on apparent inter-dimensional travel in there. It was just do dusty, nopony knew it was there." Celestia said with a slight chuckle under her breath.

*** *** ***

The walk back from the coffee shop was uneventful to say the least. They group still got looks from the onlooking ponies but it was nothing unexpected. On the plus side, Hoofstetter was off their backs and was probably fuming in some corner so that he would calm down after Carter's "explanation".

When they finally returned to the library with the coffee, they opened the door to find the interior relatively calm. Le Beau and Newkirk were still... restrained. Kinch was reading one of the many books from the library's selection and surprisingly seemed drawn into the one he was currently reading. Schultz was... Schultz... he was nowhere to be found. How could anyone loose a man as fat as Goering and as tall as Heydrich?

Suddenly, the smell of food being cooked began to fill the room and everybody (and pony) looked up when the smell reached their noses. A few minutes later, Spike came out carrying a few plates of food along with Schultz and set it on a makeshift table in the middle of the room.

" 'Ey, what's all this Schultzie?" Newkirk asked.

"All of THIS would be breakfast Mr Newkirk!" Spike suddenly said before Schultz even had the chance to open his mouth.

"You bloody cooked all of this?" Newkirk asked in a somewhat state of shock.

"Yep!" Spike confirmed with a wide smile on his face.

"Bloody hell, I think I'd like to stay here for a little while longer Colonel, if that's alright with you." Newkirk said. With that, the whole room had a good laugh but inwardly, a few of their hearts skipped a beat when Newkirk said that, especially Twilight's.

"Let's not talk about that right now... I need my morning coffee." Hogan said before setting the coffee down and picking up one of the freshly baked breakfast cakes from the pile to eat.

*** *** ***

Headaches were nearly never ending whenever Hoofstetter got them. Whether it was from dealing with Colonel Iron Eagle, General WindBreaker, or Prince Blueblood... Hoofstetter could never seem to drop the headache quickly. This time though with that creature... Colonel Hogan... His head felt like it was going to split itself open in half. Seeing as the usual pill probably would not even numb the pain from this headache, Hoofstetter decided to take one of the extra strength sleeping pills he had "on tab" in case of situations like this. Slowly, he felt himself drift away until he was fast asleep, forgetting that he even had a headache.

*** *** ***

Breakfast was quite uneventful for the group. As per usual with any sort of delicacy, Schultz nearly shoved his face full of food and praised Spike with each bite, making the little dragon... Blush... Gleam... Eh, the word was unimportant. Spike just seemed extra happy that he succeeded with such a large breakfast. Kinch and Twilight talked about the subject of the book he was reading (Hogan could only imagine what it was) while Carter, Newkirk, and Le Beau simply talked amongst themselves, the previous day's malice seemingly behind them. It was odd sure... But a nice change of pace from trying to stop one or the other from shoving a spoon up each other's ass. It was all nice and calm until a knock on the door broke the harmony within the building.

Seeing that he was the only one who was not seemingly occupied, Hogan decided that he would go see who was at the door. To his surprise when he opened it, he was met by the Diarchs of Equestria, lacking the ceremonial guard. It was almost quite casual if they weren't two heads of state.

"Oh, Colonel Hogan... It is good to see you. Sorry for coming on such short notice but we have something to reveal to you and your... Subordinates. May we enter?" Celestia asked, wearing her usual smile.

"This isn't my house but I bet the owner would agree." He said with a slight chuckle under his breath, stepping aside to let the two princesses in.

"Princess Celestia, Princess Luna! I wasn't expecting you to come back so soon... I would've prepared..." Twilight began.

"Please Twilight, it is alright. You mustn't worry about such things. Besides, you are a Princess as well, you shouldn't be worked up over this. Besides, this is more of a casual visit anyways... No flashy introductions required or such... Paparazzi can be annoying sometimes." Celestia reassured.

"Sorry..." Twilight said, somewhat blushing and putting her head down.

"It is alright but to settle matters quickly, we will inform you all this." Celestia began, looking towards Luna.

"We have found a spell to return you to your world. It turns out it was already in our archives and was stored long ago..." Luna said, her mind thinking back to the dusty spellbook.

"That's bloody terrific, ain't it boys!" Newkirk said.

"Oui, now I can go back to cooking on a regular stove." Let Beau said.

"Not so fast Le Beau... When we get back to camp... We are fireproofing the barracks before anyone else decides to use the stove." Hogan said, earning a snicker from Carter and the princesses.

"Sorry Mon Colonel, it won't happen again." Le Beau apologized.

"Apology accepted, now... How long before we can get back, I feel like this world may be having a bad influence on all of us." Hogan asked.

"See... There is the tricky part that we really must discuss. You all know of Major Hoofstetter and his current ongoing investigation so to simply put it... We need to remove the files he has on all of you." Celestia stated.

"Wait... Hold up a moment, since your a ruddy princess, can't you just personally request the files and then destroy them?" Newkirk asked.

"Now there is the very tricky part... It seems as during my absence, my dear sister thought it wise to limit her own affairs in the matters of documents pertaining to each and every pony within the EIS. Now, this does not remove her and my own pardon powers but knowing the bureaucratic mess these things are... It will take quite a while before everything is formed up so legally, you'd all have to stay here for quite some time." Luna stated, giving a stink eye to her sister. This response made Hogan's men frown with discontent but understanding.

"Ach, it would not be so bad here. The food here is Wunderbar!" Schultz said with a smile on his face.

"No offense Schultz but if we leave you here... By the time we get back we will have to cart you around Stalag 13." Kinch pointed out, earning a Jolly Joker from Schultz.

"Okay, I see the problem, but where else do we fit in this." Hogan asked curiously.

"Well... To put it lightly, we want you guys to break into EIS headquarters and well... Steal the documents." Celestia said, trying to keep her smile from turning into a frown.

"Excuse me but why would we do that... From what we have heard, it may as well be Gestapo headquarters we are breaking into." Hogan inquired, earning nods from all his men.

"Excuse me Colonel Hogan but... May we speak in private?" Luna asked suddenly, earning a strange look from Hogan. He pondered on the request for a few seconds before accepting it. Within a minute, he found himself in a quiet corner within the library speaking to Princess Luna.

"Alright, what is it that you need princess? I am sort of running on a clock, trying to figure out a plan to break into the equivalent of Gestapo headquarters before nightfall." He said rather impatiently.

"Well... I would um... I would like to say sorry Colonel Hogan." She finally spat out.

"Sorry for what?" He asked.

"I am sorry for what I did last night... Looking into your dreams and such... I really should have and I was quite naive..." Luna began before she was cut off by Hogan.

"You don't need to say anything else princess. If it helps, I already forgave you. Sure... Having somebody look inside my head literally is very... Disturbing and also an invasion of privacy, but I cannot blame you. You are a head of state after all and your first duty is to protect your people. Besides... After all that my team have done... I have learnt to forgive. It is sometimes hard, but things happen and you just gotta forgive one another for their mistakes." Hogan said, a sympathetic look dawning his face.

He could tell that his answer has an effect on Luna as she was speechless for a minute before regaining her senses.

"Th-thank you. I must be honest, I did not expect that Colonel Hogan." She said.

"Well, life is always full of unexpected things, that's the beauty of it... Now, I believe we have a plan to make before nightfall?" He said, gesturing towards the main enclave of the library.

"Yes... I believe we do." Luna said before walking back into the main room where everyone was huddled around, already talking about the details and what the plan required.

*** *** ***

The plan was simple... Almost too simple and nearly alike to all their other plans back on Earth. How simple one might ask... Well, it was jokingly simple, especially when Schultz heard the comparisons made between their current plan and the older plans the boys of Barracks 2 had concocted before. Of course, he would know nothing about these plans but for as long as he was in Equestria, he did know something.

The plan was trademark.... Simply lure out Hoofstetter and break into his room and documents safe with the help of Twilight and her friends. How to lure Hoofstetter out? Simple, use Klink's counterpart, Iron Eagle. Apparently, Hoofstetter keeps close tabs on this Colonel and his aptly named superior, General Windbreaker, for financial reasons and competence questions. It made sense... Schultz knew of what Klink sometimes do with camp funds (albeit Klink never abused it to severity as Iron Eagle's counterpart apparently had in this world). If Klink was a banker, he could scam millions if he wanted to.

Anyways, while Hoofstetter was too busy yelling at Iron Eagle for false claims of misappropriation of funds and also being hounded by General Windbreaker (Burkhalter's counterpart), they would sneak into Hoofstetter's office and retrieve the documents. It was so simple it was too good to be true. All they had to do now was simply wait until they arrived in Canterlot the next day.

Author's Note

Guess who is back!!!!! This writer!!!!!!!!!! Sorry for the very.... very long delay in the next chapter of this fic. A lot of stuff has been happening recently irl and granted... I needed a break so that I could find my former narrative touch again so that I won't stray from the main premise of the story anymore. I hope this is not too long overdue everybody and I hope to see you all come back for the next chapter!

As always, leave a comment below and all criticism is welcome and warranted as long as it is kept respectful and clean of political nonsense... it gets annoying.

The Safecracker Suite: Déjà vu Edition

The day was going pretty good for Colonel Iron Eagle. For once, all of his paperwork was finished and complete on time and he was able to simply sit back and relax for once by the window of his office. The day was calm and clear, numerous new flyers soaring through the sky as they practiced their maneuvering and skills. The sight made him think back to his own younger days but he shuddered the thought immediately. The early times were good... But after that, it was a downward spiral from there.

Sitting back in his chair, his wings stretched comfortably on his back as he lounged, he simply began to dose off but was interrupted by the sound of his door crashing down from it's hinges.

"EAGLE!" A very familiar voice yelled. Immediately, his heart sank when he opened his eyes and saw who was standing in a fit of rage at the front of his former doorway... Major Hoofstetter.

"Ah, Major Hoofstetter, such a pleasure to see you! To what do I owe the pleasure of a visit from the EIS?" He managed to stammer out as he quickly sat up in his chair.

"You know very well why I am here Colonel Eagle! Do not act like you do not know, the EIS knows everything!" Hoofstetter yelled back.

"M-major Hoofstetter, I have no idea what this is all about. I can assure you that I have done nothing wrong at all! My office has a perfect administrative record and you know that very well." Eagle bravely said, shaking his hoof in the air.

"Eagle, shut up before I make you take a trip to EIS headquarters." Hoofstetter threatened.

"Yes Major, shutting up right now." Eagle conceded, fearful of Hoofstetter's threat.

"Now Eagle... The reason why I am here is concerning your administrative record... If it was as clear as you say it is, then why did I get a tip off saying that you were dipping your hooves into the office's funds... EXACTLY WHAT GOT YOUR PREVIOUS OFFICE HOLDER REMOVED!" Hoofstetter yelled.

"How can that be Major. Are you sure your sources are sound? I can prove that this is all a lie to destroy my record. I can have my secretary pull up the records for you ri..." Eagle began confidentiality, only to be cut off by Hoofstetter.

"Bahh! The EIS's sources are never wrong. I can assure you Eagle that heads will roll as I WILL get to the bottom of this." Hoofstetter said before turning around to leave the office. He probably would've done so if it weren't for a certain large figure blocking the door.

"Hoofstetter! What is the meaning of this? Why are you present in an Equestrian Military Base berating one of my subordinates and tearing down their doors as well?" The voice of Iron Eagle's superior, General Windbreaker, yelled out.

"General Windbreaker, this is an EIS matter and does not concern the likes of you!" Hoofstetter said confidently.

"When it involves one of my own officers as well as the destruction of base property, it definitely involves me Hoofstetter!" Windbreaker retorted, his will as strong and stiff as his gait.

"Fine then... If the general wishes to know, recently, the EIS received a tip regarding suspicious activity in the area concerning the job of the dear Colonel right here." Hoofstetter began. "I would also like to remind the General that this matter is the exact same matter which saw the previous commander of this office be removed and sent off to EIS headquarters for advanced interrogation in regards to the sting that was being pulled."

"Hoofstetter you idiot, if Eagle was spending funds from the budget for personal use, then he certainly wouldn't have gotten far without ME noticing." Windbreaker said.

"Thank you General Windbreaker, as I was saying before to the Major here, I can provide all the paperwork..." Eagle began to ramble.

"Eagle, shut up before I send you to the Changeling Front." Windbreaker said, immediately making Iron Eagle shudder at the thought of the front, his greatest fear.

"Yes General, shutting up General." Eagle said with a quick salute to his superior.

"Now Major Hoofstetter, about your so called source... I am sure you are aware of my own contacts within Canterlot..." Windbreaker began.

While nopony was looking, Iron Eagle managed to slip a drink of Neighpa Valley wine to calm his nerves, sensing that the day was going to be a long one.

*** *** ***

The journey to Canterlot was quite quick even though they had to move under the cover of darkness in order to arrive there and avoid the paparazzi. Still though, the feeling of watching the rolling hills through the window of the Private Train car reminded Schultz of Germany, specifically Bavaria and Württemberg. When they got to Canterlot though, Schultz's (and every other human in the group) jaw dropped at the marvelous sight of the city on the mountain side. The beautiful white castle structures combined with the beauty of the night was astounding and quite mesmerising. If anyone of them had a camera, they would've gone through a whole roll of film before they even pulled up into the station.

But that was all simply 12 hours ago. Now, Schultz, Hogan's men, and Twilight and her friends were all gathered in a back alley behind the EIS headquarters. Inwardly, Schultz thanked God for teleportation in Equestria as he was sure that we was not going to be able to fit through the sewer man (or pony) hole. Looking up at the imposing white structure, Schultz almost forgot to hear about the rundown of the plan.

"Alright, so... This is the final rundown of the plan before we begin... I want everyone... And pony, to memorize it if you haven't already. Got it?" Hogan stated, getting nods from everyone.

"Alright, so, while we enter by teleporting into Hoofstetter's office, Schultz, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity will keep watch on the outside while we crack the safe. It's simple, but it'll work. Got it everyone?" Hogan asked as confirmation.

"Colonel Hogan, what happens if I am spotted? I cannot simply fit inside that manhole quickly." Schultz pointed out getting a thoughtful look from Hogan. Before Hogan could answer, Rainbow Dash decided she had the better answer.

"Don't worry Schultzie, I'll knock whoever comes near us do they don't spot you." She said confidently. She was quite hotheaded and headstrong... The direct opposite of Colonel Klink.

"Alright... We'll go with that... Any other questions or comments to point out?" Hogan got no answer from that.

"Alright then guys, let's get to work."

*** *** ***

The whole basis of teleportation was very... VERY... Disorienting. And that is counting the fact that they had all bailed out of a plane before. Getting their bearings after teleporting nearly 5 stories up, Hogan, his men, and their pony companions, found themselves within a very... Drab office. There was some quite nice teak paneling and the walls above them were painted in a deep red... Everything else was bland and devoid of hu... Pony touch. But that was Hoofstetter, the pony copy of Hochstetter.

Following the information that they learned from Celestia and Luna, they found the safe tucked away and hidden in a compartment under the carpeting and floorboards. This was apparently a rather recent change as they used to be kept in an secured filing cabinet until an incident happened involving a chaotic entity known as Discord. Apparently, that was Hoofstetter at his worst and even his own underlings had to get him under control before he reached his peak.

While Twilight and Rarity kept watching, Pinkie Pie and Newkirk got to work cracking the safe, the former somehow pulling a stethoscope from her mane, much to the disbelief of them all but to the humor of the other two mares. After a few minutes, Newkirk's face formed a frown when he looked up from the safe.

"Erm... Colonel, we got ourselves a problem." The corporal said.

"Alright, lemme guess... Can't crack the safe?" Hogan said.

"That bloody safe 'as got some sort of weird hex on in. I can't bloody crack it." Newkirk said in defeat.

"Damn... Wait, Princess, can you come over here?" Hogan said, calling out to Twilight.

"Oh... Yes, what is it you need?" She asked.

"Newkirk says the safe can't be cracked by hand... Seems there is some sort of hex on it. Do you think explosives would work on it?" Hogan asked.

"E-ex.... Explosives?" Twilight asked with a very puzzled look on her face.

"Well... Nothing major of course. I mean something like uh... Thermite." Hogan said.

"Well, given the charm that the safe has, I doubt it would be explosive proof... But wouldn't the thermite burn the documents?" She asked.

"Well, if this Hoofstetter is smart, he would've put them in a fireproof case. Besides, isn't that what we are here to do anyways?"

"Right... Sorry. But how are you going to get thermite in here?" She just gave Hogan the means to play his trump card.

"Carter, do you still have some left over thermite in your pockets?" He asked the Sergeant.

"Hm... Oh uh... No, Sorry Boy... I mean Colonel. We used it all up on that safe job we did a few weeks ago. Besides, I doubt we can find iron oxide and aluminum powder right now, considering the circumstances." Carter admitted.

"Leave that to me!" Pinkie Pie suddenly said out of the blue, reaching into her mane and slowly pulling out the required materials for the thermite, leaving Hogan and the others stunned.

"Hey Kinch... I think a trip to Klink's wine cabinet is needed when we get back." Hogan whispered into his XO's ear.

"With all due respect Colonel, I don't think the wine is gonna cut it. We may have to send Schultz out on a supply run after this..." Kinch whispered back, earning a soft chuckle from Hogan.

Within 30 minutes, they had all the documents and after Twilight cast a reconstruction spell, they left the office with surprisingly relative ease and no sort of incidents with any EIS officers inside the building. Now all that was left was to burn the documents.

Author's Note

Hello everybody, glad to see that you are all still here with me and putting up with my nonsense. We are now seeing a full recovery of not only my writing skills but also my ability to stay on point with the story and now there are no longer annoying side stories to keep this flowing. I hope you all enjoyed the segment involving those 3 Nimrods in the begining, I tried to keep their interactions in line with Canon and such but in a pony way of course and with my own added flare.

As always, leave a comment below. All comments and criticism is warranted as long as it is respectful and does not promote any sort of nonsense, whether it be snowflake nonsense or the other side of the spectrum crap... It really gets annoying.

Anyways, see you next time for the final few chapters!

For you, The Investigation is Over!

Would he just shut up! Hoofstetter thought as he had to go through another one of Iron Eagle's famous (and annoying) ramblings.

Hoofstetter was currently sifting through his filing cabinet to look for Iron Eagle's file while the Colonel was orally reciting his official "statement". The whole ordeal was visibly annoying his superior officer, General Windbreaker, but surprisingly, Windbreaker did not tell Iron Eagle to shut up as he usually did whenever the idiot would begin rambling. Maybe it was because he was waiting for something to happen, maybe the tub of lard was simply too tired to even tell Eagle to shut up. Either way... it was still very annoying to Hoofstetter and his already thin nerves were running even thinner.

"Are you done Major Hoofstetter? It is clear that this will not be going anywhere if you keep on searching for the supposed 'documentation' that you have on my subordinate right here." Windbreaker finally said.

"Bah... I intend to get to the very bottom of this. Trust me General, heads will roll..." Hoofstetter replied, giving the overweight General a glare that would scare most ponies to death. But Windbreaker remain unphased by the threat.

"And where have I heard that before?" Windbreaker asked, clearly annoyed by the Major's "promises". Hoofstetter didn't care though. All he cared about was nailing Eagle after the tip was given off to him.

"Major... you are clearly wasting your time here. I have done nothing wrong. My record at the administrative office is spotless. Besides, you clearly can't even find my file because I have done nothing wrong! What, do you happen to have it in some secret compartment that nopony knows about?" Iron Eagle suddenly said. From then on... the room went silent with both Windbreaker and Hoofstetter staring at Eagle in shock. How could he know? was the question going through Hoofstetter's mind. From the look on Windbreaker's face, he could tell that the General was simply shocked due to the fact Iron Eagle was never so assertive. It was as if the pony that everyone knew had simply disappear.

Iron Eagle though... he was just sitting there. "What, was it something I said?" He calmly asked.

"Eagle... for all of our sakes, shut up." Windbreaker simply said, still in shock.

"No General, let him speak. Tell me Colonel, why do you think I would have a secret compartment?" Hoofstetter asked, maneuvering himself around his desk to Iron Eagle's side. Almost immediately, any sort of confidence Iron Eagle had disappeared.

"Hehe, well you see Major... you seem like, the uh... the type of pony tell well, have a secret compartment... hehe. One can never be too trustful. Is that not the way of the EIS?" The Colonel sputtered out.

"Colonel Eagle..." Hoofstetter said.

"Yes Major?"

"Shut up."

"Yes Major, shutting up." Iron Eagle replied, shaking his head in his usual over-emphasized way.

Now done with that headache, Hoofstetter moved to open the safe under his office floor. Little did he know what surprise he was in for.

*** *** ***

While Hoofstetter was unleashing his full fury on whoever was in front of him (which so happened to be Iron Eagle and Windbreaker, much to their dismay), the grand Halls of Canterlot Castle were filled with the aroma of fresh French cuisine.

Granted, Hogan had Kinch watch over Le Beau so that no one started any more fires but it was really a needless precaution apparently due to somebody's (or somepony's in this case) attempt at making a home made cake. Needless to say, the entire kitchen was fire proofed and would not burn down like the Normandie.

The grand dining room that they were all sitting in was full of peace and happiness in light of their recent success in destroying the documents within Hoofstetter's safe. Carter was once again deep into one of his childhood stories/ramblings and managed to attract a crowd in the form of Pinkie and Applejack and Rainbow Dash. Kinch was discussing something with Twilight and seemed pretty engaged in the conversation so Hogan decided not to barge in and ask what it was all about. Newkirk was speaking with Rarity about some sort of thing about tailoring and such and Fluttershy was speaking with the Princesses about something. That merely left Hogan and Schultz out of the loop, confined to their own thoughts and musings.

There was a silence between them, but if one looked upon both men from afar, they could tell that a conversation was about to happen. It would be just a matter of who would start it. But before that could happen, a triumphant looking Le Beau came out of the kitchen with a rather large amount of servants announcing that dinner was complete.

To say that it was dinner was an understatement... the size of it all looked like a typical buffet multiplied by 10 with the added bonus of it all being french cuisine. Le Beau made some good meals, but to see all of this without the restrictions of having to send Schultz in for food runs at the supply depot or in town... it was truly a full on french feast.

All that was left to do was to dig in.

*** *** ***

Hoofstetter was furious... no... he was more than furious. Many words could describe anger, but for Windbreaker, he was lost for words. And for that such reason, he found himself trying to call the nearby army garrison to arrive and subdue the Major with minimal casualties, both militarily and civilian. He was a balloon waiting to pop essentially.

Looking to his side, he saw his somewhat friend Iron Eagle cowering before Hoofstetter's presence as the 3 of the walked through the streets of Canterlot. By this time, night had fallen but it would not stop Hoofstetter from walking towards the train station back to Ponyville. He kept on rambling about some "Hogan" persona or whatever it was as they walked. Every now and then, one of them would (at the risk of their own life) try to at least get Hoofstetter to slow down with some sort of question or (in Iron Eagle's place) plea. They knew they could not stop him, but the least that they could do was slow him down so that the nearby army garrison could arrive in time.

"G-general... when did they say they would arrive again?" Iron Eagle whispered.

"When I called them, they said that they would arrive in 30 minutes." He responded.

"30 minutes? It has nearly been 25! May Celestia have mercy on our souls if they do not get here in time."

"For once, I am inclined to agree with you Eagle, as hard as that was for me to say." Windbreaker responded.

*** *** ***

Dinner was going quite fine up until it happened. Nobody knew what it was, but for some odd reason, Pinkie's tail began to twitch and she went as stiff as a statue for a minute. As soon as it stopped, she immediately dashed off out of the dining room with nearly everyone else following her.

"Hey Colonel, you got any idea what that was all about?" Kinch asked as they all tried to catch up to Pinkie.

"Kinch my boy... I'm broke." Hogan admitted. Frankly, all explanations he would have had would've been rational, but based on everything they had all been through, rationality went out the window.

"That's just a thing that happens to Pinkie. Usually it is very serious when something is about to go down." Twilight explained as they dashed through the near endless corridors of the castle.

"Wait a bloody minute. If that's the case miss, how did she not know when Schultz came crashing down through her bloody roof?" Newkirk asked.

"Newkirk darling, if there is anything that you learn after being friends with Pinkie Pie, you learn to not question her. She has her reasons, no matter how weird or outrageous they are." Rarity replied.

"Well, whatever it is, it seems pretty important." Carter inquired.

"That, I can agree with." Hogan said as he continued his dash.

*** *** ***

"Major Hoofstetter please, you really do not have to go down to Ponyville. I am sure that your documents were just misplaced." Iron Eagle pleaded.

"Bahhh, the EIS never misplaces anything!" The irate Major responded as he neared the train station.

However, just as he turned across the street corner, his eyes met the sight of numerous soldiers from the nearby army garrison as well as... Pinke Pie? What was she doing here? he thought as he slowed his pace down.

"Major, you will stop this right now." A voice from behind his back said. Only one pony had a voice as commanding as that. Turning around slowly, he was met with the appearance of Princess Luna and behind her, Princess Celestia.

"Princess, this is a matter of national security of the highest order! Documents pertaining to the illegal aliens that burned down a registered establishment within Ponyville! I must get past these soldiers if I am to-" He suddenly shut his mouth as soon as Princess Celestia raised up her hoof. Luna said nothing as she let her sister handle the situation.

"Major Hoofstetter, to solve this problem immediately, I am here to inform you that you have been transferred of the case off the 5 humans as that is now a matter of the crown." Celestia calmly stated.

"T-t-transferred? But I have evidence!" He said.

"Well, it would do you good to present such evidence now if you do then Major." Her trap card was played, and Hoofstetter knew he was defeated.

"Are you done Major?" Luna asked.

"I... I shall rescind myself. If I may ask though, where am I being transferred to?" He asked in defeat.

"Well Major, your new supervisor is here presently so I will let her deal with that. Pinke Pie, can you please come over here now?"

"P-p.... PINKIE PIE?"

*** *** ***

Hogan and his men had seen some pretty funny things during their time at Stalag 13. However, this... this was priceless.

When Pinkie told them to stay inside the castle, they did protest but some sort of weird spell that Twilight was able to cast allowed them to witness the entire ordeal from the comfort of one of the many castle lounges. Needless to say, it was a sight that should've been recorded on film.

The many different emotions that went through Hoofstetter's face was truly priceless, so much so that even Schultz joined in and could not stop laughing himself. He looked like a laughing Santa Claus during the whole performance, minus the white beard and with the added Luftwaffe uniform. But the whole ordeal was well... warming.

After the Major's near murderous rampage turned near heart-attack was over, the two Princesses and Pinkie Pie simply teleported back to within the castle and broke down themselves into near maddening laughter. But like all good things, it had to come to an end. Hogan and his men had to return to earth and tonight would be their last day in Equestria. But like anyone trying to make the best of things before heading back to war, they made sure that the night was at least memorable, in their own Stalag 13 way.

Author's Note

Hello guys, I am back! This is the 2nd to last chapter of Schultz Knows Nothing and I am happy to say that I have finally gotten rid of my writer's block which was preventing me from typing this whole chapter up. The amount of revisions that it had went through was well.... sickening to say the least. But you know what, it was a extremely enjoyable to write as soon as I found what I was looking for. I would like to thank you all for reading this if you bothered to stay along for the ride and I shall see you all in the finale!

As always, all comments are allowed and warranted as I am not some sort of sour puss who hates all critiques and what not. Just keep it all respectful and such. If you are looking for other stories of mine to read, I would highly suggest reading my most recent story, TCB: The Last Performance, if you want a serious take on the now dead genre. If you want another comedy to read, read The Advisors. People seem to like it a lot so read at your own uh... crap forgot the word... uh... read at your own uh............. liberty! Yes, that's the word.

The Hopes and Dreams of Sergeant Schultz

There is a point in which sometimes, you just want to quit. However, there are also times where something happens that makes you want to stay. For Colonel Hogan's situation, he was leaning towards the first option. Over the course of his time at Stalag 13, he had dealt with numerous dangerous things, whether it be from Hochstetter's suspicions to Klink's own stupidity. Never, did he even think, that he had to deal with strange multicolored "Ponies" as they called themselves while trying to get Schultz out of another mess.

Schultz was one of the only people Hogan could trust but at the same time, Schultz was a variable which sometimes almost got them into big trouble. Still though, both men mutually benefitted each other. Schultz gave them information, and Schultz was payed in food or other goodies that they were able to get through the Underground. Even when Schultz discovered them planning, they never did get caught as Schultz never told anyone. Now, Hogan had dragged Schultz along with him on this mission and they now stood (or in Schultz's case, sat stuck) infront of multicolored horses with weird marks on their rears.

Unsure of what to say, he decided to direct his question to Schultz. "Schultz, mind telling me who your new friends are?"

Schultz, still shaking from the sight infront of him answered in an oddly serious tone. "Colonel Hogan, I know nothing. Absolutely nothing."

If Schultz was one thing, he was never a liar, at least to Hogan and his men. Anyone else, namely his superiors, that was a different story. Turning to the 4 horses in front of him, he began to ask his questions.

"Alright, I will make this simple, who are you, what are you, and where are we?" He asked.

Immediately, as if on methamphetamines, the Pink horse answered. "Oh, I am Pinkie Pie, right next to me is Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle. If you hadn't noticed, were all ponies and on behalf on all of us, we welcome you to Ponyville!"

Before Hogan could even comprehend everything he just heard, the Pink pony named Pinkie Pie (ironically) pulled out a confetti cannon and fired it sending Hogan and his men to the ground due to shear reflex. When all was said and done, Hogan got up to see Schultz struggling to comprehend everything in front of him.

Before Hogan could ask another question, the purple pony beat him to it. "Alright Sir, we answered your questions, now will you answer ours?"

"What makes you think we will answer them?"

"It is only fair."

"How do we know this isn't the Gestapo fooling with us?"

"Gest-what now?"

Before Hogan could reiterate his question, Schultz spoke up. "Colonel Hogan, I may know nothing, but I don't think the Gestapo would have little Ponies in front of us to interrogate us. Besides, as you put it, they lack the imagination for such a method, especially Hochstetter."

"Colonel, for once, Schultz makes a good point." Kinch interjected.

Hogan took a while to make his decision. He always prepared for the Gestapo, Klink, Burkhalter, or the occasional SS General, but never talking ponies. The only way to be sure was to make a deal.

"Alright, we will answer your questions but with certain conditions."

The four Ponies looked at each other and the purple nodded "Go on."

"Alright, one: help get our friend here out of the floor boards, two: give us any information on our location, three: ... Anyone wanna add anything?"

"Ooh, how about get some food Colonel, I'm starving." Carter said enthusiastically. Normally, he would had been scolded for such a comment as per usual, but given the circumstances, Carter's suggestion was taken up upon and added to the list.

"Alright, anything else? No, good." Hogan said. "Alright, now can we please get our friend out from the floorboards?"

"You could've asked earlier Sir." The purple pony said. Suddenly in the dark, a glow came from a horn on the ponies head and after a few seconds, the glow enveloped Schultz and lifted the bulky Sergeant from the floor boards to the floor. Starring at the sight in shock, Hogan muttered under his breath, "I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.'

*** *** ***

Twilight looked back at her notes, she was stunned. The 6 "humans" she had met had given her a treasure trove of information regarding the world that they came from. Firstly, she learned each of their names. Their commander was named Colonel Hogan while his second in command was a rather nice fellow named Sergeant Kinchloe. The rest of his team included a tailor by the name of Corporal Newkirk, a rather short cook named Corporal Le Beau, and a rather goofy "demolitions expert", or bomb maker as the Colonel put it, named Sergeant Carter. The only odd one out was a the larger human (in both size and weight apparently) named Sergeant Schultz, the human who wrecked Pinkie Pie's roof. The weird part about him was that he was a prison guard that was apparently supposed to guard Hogan and his men. So there was clearly something that they were not telling. However, she planned to ask them more once morning came so that they could get some rest.

Closing the door to the bakery, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Twilight made their way back to their respective homes.

"Hey Twilight?"

"Yeah Rainbow?"

"Is it me or does something seem off about those guys. How does a prison guard and the men he guards fall from the sky into Equestria from a whole nother world?"

"I know what you mean. There is something they aren't telling us. I think I am going to write a letter to Princess Luna. She should be in Night Court right now so she should be able to get it."

"Do you think it is right though? To go into their heads while they try to sleep and maybe cope?" Fluttershy interjected.

"What do you mean Fluttershy?" Twilight questioned.

"I mean... well... Imagine your a pony in a while new world and when you go to sleep, your mind is invaded or watched upon by somepony. Not to insult to work of Princess Luna though."

"I know what you mean Fluttershy, but that Colonel po... person seems to be secretive about something that he may not tell us. Maybe we should just ask Luna to go into the large one's dream, he seems nice and more innocent."

"I like him, he seeme pleasant enough."

"Alright, then it's settled. Now, I gotta get back and write the letter before Luna enters the dream world." Twilight said, dashing off to the Library leaving Rainbow and Fluttershy alone.

*** *** ***

3 Hours Later

The Dream Realm was Luna's great escape from the pain of Night Court. It is not that Night Court is necessarily dangerous, but rather annoying when certain ponies come up with tedious complaints. The night's latest idiot was a noble who thought that he could hide the fact that he embezzled money from the Equestrian Education Association. Neighsay was not particularly happy with that and took it up with a municipal court and it somehow landed on Luna's docket. Luna despised Neighsay for his xenophobic views on other races but this could not be ignored. After one long and annoying trial later, Luna ended Night Court early when Twilight's letter came through. It was quite the read, but then again, this was a Twilight letter. Still though, Luna had never heard of a creature that was quite large enough to break Pinkie Pie's roof but manage to get stuck between a few floorboards and drywall... Gravity could not work like that.

Making her way through the dream realm to Ponyville, Luna could not help but cherish the fact that the night was calm without nightmares. Reaching Sugarcube Corner, Luna caught eye of the hole in the roof. It was truly large, and Luna could only wonder how large the bipedal creature that made the hole was. When she made her way into the bakery, Luna could see the 6 bipedal creatures sleeping on the floor. Remembering the description of the creature Twilight wanted her to check on, Luna found the bipedal snoring in the corner with a blanket wrapped around it's midsection. From the looks of it, it looked large enough to cause the hole in the roof. Taking a deep breath, Luna entered the strange creature's dream.

For a moment, just like every other time she enters somepony's dream, there was nothing but darkness. Suddenly, Luna found herself outside somewhere. Around her, she saw brick buildings and asphalt roads similar to what she would probably find in Manehattan. Looking around, the dream began to fill with other bipedal creatures walking along the sidewalks. On the streets, what looked like horseless carriages drove along the road with the bipedals inside them. As much as it fascinated Luna, she knew she needed to find the creature in his dream.

Like all dreams, Luna is dropped nearest to where her subject is. Looking around, the large bipedal was nowhere to be found. Turning around, Luna caught the eye of a large factory behind her. The sign was in some sort of foreign language but below it, it looked like it had an Equestrian translation.

Schatze Toy Company

Looking at the factory, Luna could sense that the bipedal was inside. Disregarding the gate and the doors, Luna made her way inside the immense factory. All around her, she saw bipedals and machinery making little toys. It was truly a sight to behold. She had seen the inner workings of factories before, but something was off. The workers themselves seemed to enjoy themselves and put more effort and care into their work. Suddenly and unexpectedly, what seemed like a loud speaker began to blair out above in the factory roof.

"Attention all workers, please make your way to the main podium. Repeat, please make your way to the main podium."

The workers immediately dropped what they were doing, turned the machine off, and made their way to the podium the loud speaker was talking about. Seeing this, Luna thought that her chances of finding the creature would be greater. When she made her way to the podium, she decided to fly her way up to a scaffold near the roof the catch a better view and look for the creature. By the time she had looked at every worker, she was unable to find the creature. Suddenly, the creatures all stood up from their seats and began to clap as another creature walked up on the podium.

The creature on the podium was her target. Something was different about it though. For starters, the creature was wearing a suit similar to what she would see in Manehattan. Secondly, the creature looked slightly thinner and it's hair was less gray than what is was in the real world. It looked genuinely happy. Soon, the creature got up to microphone and began to speak.

"Friends, please sit down. I would not want my workers to feel tired standing up for such an occasion." The sincerity made the crowd laugh as they say back down. "Now, I know you are wondering why I called you all here while you were working. Today, is a very special day my friends. Just a few minutes ago, I had gotten a letter in my desk concerning the company. Would you all like to know what was in it?" Immediately, the crowd yelled out yes cheerily. "My friends, it is with great privilege that I hereby announce that the Schatze Toy Company has officially become the largest Toy Company in all of Germany! We are number one in terms of size, number one in quality, number one in customer and employee care, and number one in safety!" With that, the whole room filled up with cheers and even some hats flew through the air. "Friends, before you are not able to hear this, I ask of you to simmer down so I may say it." With that, the room immediately quieted down. "Now, in light of our recent success, I am hereby giving you all the day off and your paychecks early! You have all earned it my friends!" The room erupted with greater cheers. Luna could see that the creature's face was smiling with genuine pride. As much as she wanted to watch the rest of the moment, she knew she had to speak with the creature. With that, she froze the dream with her magic and flew down to meet the creature personally.

*** *** ***

At first, Schultz did not know what had happened and why everyone in the factory had stopped and froze in place. His question was immediately answered when he turned around to find a dark blue pony with wings and a horn standing behind him.

"Hello there." It said. Startled, he nearly jumped back off the podium before catching his balance.

"W-who are you?"

"I am Princess Luna, Princess of the Moon. I believe you have met Princess Twilight already, yes?"

For a moment, Schultz began to think and then remembered the purple pony he had met when he fell through the roof.

"Y-yes, I have met her. She seems, very nice."

"Allow me to guess, did she nearly pamper you with questions?" The guess was spot on.

"Yes, as a matter a fact she nearly did Fraulein."

"Frau-what?"

Remembering that the horse probably did not speak German, Schultz corrected himself.

"I am sorry, in my native language, Fraulein means... how does Hogan put it... Ah yes, Ms. or Mrs." Luna gave him a puzzled look before answering.

"It is quite alright er..."

"My name is Hans Schultz, but you may call me Hans if you would like."

"Alright, thank you for the translation Hans."

"You are very welcome Fraulein Luna. If I may ask though, how did you get into Germany? Let alone my Toy Factory?"

"Oh, well, you are still in my world persay, this is actually your dream."

"Dream? So I am not dead yet?"

"No, this is just all in your head."

"Oh Gott sei Dank."

"What?"

"Ach, never mind that Fraulein, wait... How is this my dream? I remember this moment."

"What do you mean Hans?"

"To "make a long story short", as Colonel Hogan puts it, you are currently in my old Toy Factory. Today is the day when we became the largest in all of Germany, my home nation." He said beaming with pride.

"What happened to your company Hans?"

"I will tell you all that, but may we go to my office? It seems like even in a memory my feet hurt." He said with a hearty chuckle.

"Of course Hans." Luna replied.

*** *** ***

Sitting at his desk from a memory long passed, Schultz began to look around at his office and reminisce.

"You know dear Princess, I have never been a soldier."

"But aren't you a Prison Guard?"

"Yes, wait... how do you know of my current employment?"

"A lot of details were expressed in the letter."

"Ach, I see. Well, to answer you question, yes... I am a prison guard. But I have never been a soldier. I lost all aspiration to do so after.... after the slaughter.... The Great War."

"What is this Great War?"

"Fraulein, sometimes one cannot explain everything without delving into a realm he buried away long ago." Luna's face immediately turned empathetic.

"I... I understand what you mean. I guess we all have our demons."

"That we do Fraulein. But, back to the subject, after the war, I began to work for this Toy Company. Over a decade passed and I became it's owner. For almost two decades, this company has been my pride and joy, second to my ever wonderful wife and children of course."

"What caused you to quit if you loved it so much though Hans?"

"Fraulein, I never quit, rather I was forced to fall back on an old profession. Once again, war came to my country and they took my factory to make bombs and bullets instead of toys."

"Who is they?"

"The devils themselves. As the cockroach puts it, they are filthy pigs. They are a political party known as the National Socialists. Never have I seen so much hate before. It still sickens me whenever I remember when they took it away from me. From the moment they took power in the Reichstag and the Chancellory, I decided to keep my head down. What they do to the Jews, it was unforgivable... to harm someone just because they are your scapegoat."

"Why don't you fight back though Hans?"

"I am an old man, a soldier gone soft after bringing joy to Children for almost two decades, I could never fight back... well, until Colonel Hogan came along."

"Who is this Colonel Hogan?"

"Colonel Hogan is one of the prisoners I guard, well, he is the senior prisoner of war."

"What does a Senior Prisoner of War do?"

"Men like Colonel Hogan in Prisoner of War camps keep the men in line. Essentially, they are the bridge between the Camp Kommandant, and the prisoners as a whole. Between you and me though, he runs the camp, not the Kommandant."

"Why do you say that."

"Princess, if you ever meet the Colonel, you will understand why. He is a master manipulator, especially when it deals with his monkey business."

"Monkey Business?"

"I normally claim to know nothing, but for now, I know something. You see, Colonel Hogan and his men are always up to something, whether it be sabotage or kidnapping our own generals and sending them off to London for interrogation."

"You know of this? Why do you never report it?"

"It is my way of fighting back. I see it, but I don't see it. Do you get what I mean Fraulein?"

"I... I guess I do. May I ask another question?"

"I am, as the Americans put it, all ears." Schultz said, putting on a gingerly smile.

"Who is this Kommandant you speak of?" Immediately, Schultz's mood diminished. He did not hate Klink, but still Klink had his ego...

"The Kommandant is the leader of the Prisoner of War camp. My camp's Kommandant is named Colonel Wilhelm Klink." He shuddered when he mentioned the big shot's name.

"Why do you shudder at that name Hans?"

"Fraulein, Colonel Klink is not persay a bad man. If anything, he is simply egotistical but I feel for him. Like me, he fought in the Great War. All men who fought in it came out a different man, unless you are Feldmarshall Rommel apparently. From what I heard, he came out more matured and head strong. But back to Klink. At the beginning, he was not the egotistical bumbling soldier we know him to be right now, but rather a competent and initiative taking officer. After the war though, something happened that changed him into a more egotistical, incompetent, bureaucrat that a lot of us, my fellow guards included, know him to be. I do feel like there is more behind them though... he may not seem to be a smart man, but he certainly is quite good with finances, and he also somehow managed to find a way to get himself out of situations when Colonel Hogan is not there to bail him out."

It took a few minutes for the Princess to take in the information that Schultz gave her. He saw that his words affected her. Finally, Luna spoke.

"I understand where your Kommandant may be coming from. If he were here, I could maybe ask him a few questions."

"Ach, please do not, at least wait until the war is over, for me and Colonel Hogan's sake." Schultz said with a chuckle.

"Why is that?"

"Fraulein, if Kommandant Klink regained his confidence and competence, me and Colonel Hogan would be out of the job."

"I see... Well, if it is any trouble, would you mind if I ask you one more question Hans?"

"Of course, this is my dream, I am pretty sure Colonel Hogan has not bugged my head yet." With that, both Schultz and Luna had a laugh.

"Well, about Colonel Hogan, is he possibly dangerous?"

"What do you mean Fraulein?"

"Well, in the letter I received from Princess Twilight, she was quite suspicious of Colonel Hogan and his intentions."

"Ah, see, everyone gets that impression off of him. And to be honest, I do not blame him. With the Monkey Business he pulls, he needs to be very cautious, especially when being somewhere new."

"Well, thank you Hans. I hope to see you soon. I have a feeling we may if you are to ever get back home."

"Danke Fraulein, it means a lot to talk so somebody about my thoughts. I am never able to do that in Germany, or else I probably would be facing.... Major Hochstetter."

"Major who?"

"Ach, another time please. I cannot bear to think of that nasty man, even in my own dream."

"Ah, well please, get some rest and enjoy your memory."

"I will Fraulein, Danke."

When Luna turned around to exit his dream office, Schultz swiveled in his chair to look down the window at his former factory. He missed making toys and all he had was the memory of his old life.

"All that is missing is Le Beau's Strudel" he thought. To his amazement, he saw a plate of Apple Strudel pop up in front of him. For the rest of the night, he took advantage of his self consciousness in his dream. By the time he woke up, he felt better than he had in years ever since the war began.

Author's Note

This chapter was meant to be a bit more serious than the previous two. I like to think of Schultz as a person in this one, not the loveable screw up Sergeant we all know in the TV show. Now, the dialogue might not seem like it is oriented towards the TV Character of Schultz but think of it as when he is able to be relaxed and doing what he loves. It took a while to type this but I felt it was needed. I can't just spend so much time typing one story, I would loose my mind with either writer's block or too many ideas crammed into my head.

As always, leave a comment below to share your opinions of the story and the chapter. Also, feel free to read the other stories I have posted (please avoid the Rommel story, I don't want anymore controversy).

Remember folks, I know nothing at all, NOTHING!