Author's Note

And now back to your regularly scheduled Rom-Com bullshit.

013 - It's (not) a Date

“What are you two doing?” Gilda asked as she watched Spike and Twilight peek a crack in the doorway to the hallway.

Twilight whirled around and hissed. “Shhht!”

“Lorraine and Alastor are going off somewhere together.” Spike explained in hushed whispers.

The hen blinked. “So? They do that all the time.”

“But John’s not with them.” Twilight added.

“So? They do that all the time.” Gilda reiterated.

“So sue us, we’re curious.” Spike said with a pout.

“And I want to see what deer courtship rituals are like.” Twilight said with a nod.

Gilda face-taloned. “They’re not-” She groaned and let her talon drop. “You know what, fine, you two snoop on the pair as they spend the day sightseeing, but I’m coming to make sure some guard doesn’t think you’re creeping.”

“Thanks Gilda.” Spike said with a grin. “Ahp! They’re leaving!”

“Go go go!” Twilight hastily, yet quietly opened the door and snuck out.

“Oh, this is going to be my whole day.” Gilda groaned.

“So, we’re being followed.” Alastor commented as him and his noodly companion plodded/trotted down the street towards a large building that looked like a massive glass dome.

“By who?” Lorraine asked.

“Spike and Twilight, with the feather-duster playing chaperone.” Alastor chuckled. “It’s honestly adorable.”

“But why?” Lorraine blinked, tilting her head a bit in confusion.

“Spike is curious and Twilight is curious about deer courtship habits, or rituals as she put it. And both of them forgot I could hear them.” The deer buck explained. “Gilda was quite exasperated.”

The noodle paused for a moment and Alastor stopped next to her, occasionally flicking an ear back and forth. “They know we’re not a couple, right?”

“Gilda, absolutely. Spike, unsure. Twilight… honestly doesn’t care in the slightest.” Alastor listed with a nod.

“But courting implies being a couple.” Lorraine’s face screwed up in a cute look of confusion.

“I do not pretend to know what goes on in the purple mare’s mind. It’s far too orderly for my tastes.” Alastor shook his head. “And I believe Spike is just worried about you. So, my delightfully mortal friend, should we put on a show for them? You see, they can’t hear us, but I can hear them.”

“Oh right, the whole superior senses thing.” Lorraine nodded with a dawning look of understanding. “You know what, fuck it, make it like a date between friends or something. Go nuts.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Alastor said with an almost wicked grin.

“Why’d they stop?” Twilight asked, peering through a pair of binoculars.

“How should I know?” Gilda said blandly, leaning against a wall.

“Oh, he’s kneeling, why’s he kneeling?” Spike asked.

“Just kill me now.” Gilda rubbed her eyes.

“And now Lorraine’s… trying to bow.” Twilight rattled off the play-by-play. “Or was that a curtsy?”

“Awwww. They look so cute.” Spike giggled.

Gilda tugged herself away from the wall and propped herself up behind the pair.

Alastor was giving a very gentlestallionly bow and Lorraine was… doing something. Lorraine was never all that balanced to begin with. Gilda blinked. “Huh.”

Alastor grinned at something and waved his forelegs wildly, causing the noodle dragon to face-claw. Then the pair started off towards the Botanical Gardens.

“‘ight, let’s see where they go.” Gilda sighed.

The inside of the Botanical Garden was humid. It smelled like rain, damp earth, and plants. It seemed the entire dome was a sort of massive greenhouse. A greenhouse that was cordoned off into various sections, but still a greenhouse.

Alastor… actually looked excited. “Oh, I wonder what regions they have on display?” He said, levitating a brochure and opening it. “Ooooo! They have an exhibit on poisonous jungle flora! Darling, could we go see that first?”

“Okay.” Lorraine nodded and plodded after the now prancing deer. “So, deer courtship, what is that exactly?”

“In the most basic of terms. There are two phases. Phase one,” Alastor looked over his shoulder at her. “A buck shows off to a doe. The flashier, the better. In a manner it’s similar to how certain bird species change color or make complex nests for potential mates. It’s all about getting attention. Phase two is a bit different by comparison. Phase two is actually building on the relationship once you have caught the attention of the desired doe.”

“Well that explains a lot.” Lorraine said rather flatly.

“Back in my hayday, I did much flashier things than anything I tried with you.” Alastor said with a chuckle.

“You were trying?” Lorraine blinked. “You know I’m dense as a rock right?”

“And failing.” The deer chuckled again. “And I have noticed. John has to be quite blunt with you. From a stallion, or buck in my case, I understand. The bucks are supposed to be straight forward. From mares… It feels rather… Mmmm, this will sound strange coming from me, but such bluntness coming from mares feels unnatural. Still, those are just my tastes, and I wouldn’t step on anyone’s hooves were they attracted to such behavior.”

“So there’s a distinction between my bluntness and romantic bluntness. Got it.” Lorraine nodded.

“Yes, there is a key difference.” Alastor nodded, craning his neck down to smell a bright purple flower. “You’re bluntness is to get your idea across as succinctly as possible. Mare’s bluntness is simply that, but crass.” He looked back over at her.

“So, you don’t like being pursued, romantically speaking.” Lorraine said with a hum.

“No.” He shook his head. “And the amount of pursuing, and I use that term loosely, is quite the turn off.”

“Honestly, I don’t understand their behavior. You’re a person, you have a right to say no.” Lorraine said, frowning.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that Ponyville is backwards, but it seems they care more for the produce more foals, rather than protect the herd, or raise a family. The mares that I have interacted with seem to be all about the making of foals, or worse the collecting of stallions to make more foals, rather than the raising of said foals or the family unit as a whole.” Alastor said with a hum as he trotted into a section that looked like it came out of some Tomb Raider game, sans a giant ancient temple. Though there were a few faux stone walls made to look like ruins.

“Yeah, it seems like they think about the family thing, after they got their guys.” Lorraine nodded. “That’s not healthy.”

“Hmmm, this reminds me, John and I were on one of our morning walks. He told me about the country of China. Well, really he was trying to explain the history of China via something called Dynasty Warriors, but back to my point. China for the longest time had a law in place of only… one, perhaps two children. Ah yes. One child if it is male and two, if the first is a female. Is it wrong to control the population like that, yes. However, I could see something like that happening with the herds in Ponyville. At least, something like, a family unit may only have x number of foals. Then again, that is just a theory. The reason why being, what if the population grows faster than the town?” He paused by a “wall” covered in some kind of green moss with bright purple flowers with white at the edges of the petals. “Ah, this is called a Starflower. It’s not that poisonous, but it can cause great gastro-intestinal distress if enough is imbibed.”

The noodle dragon wrinkled her nose. “Well… it’s pretty at least.”

“This flower is as beautiful as you, my dear Lorraine.” Spike said in a passable Alastor impression.

“Snnrk. Stop, you know he wouldn’t say it like that.” Gilda chuckled and nudged the dragon.

“Huh, so the flowers aren’t the poisonous part. It’s the stems.” Twilight hummed as she read a plaque.

“Twilight!” Spike hissed.

“Oh! Right!” Twilight rushed over to the pair.

“And this is an Earthroot. Called a Root of A’tuin in ancient times, the fibrous roots are not poisonous unless put in water. The water leeches out the toxins, thus it is quite easy to make a poison with one. Said poison causes temporary muscle paralysis depending on the concentration of the poison. On the brightside, they are quite tasty when grilled or dry roasted.” Alastor explained, gesturing a hoof at a wiry brown barked plant with deep brown sprigs coming off it like hairs.

The noodle dragon leaned in and looked at the plant. “You eat these?”

“You can if you want something exotic.” Alastor nodded, trotting along to the next plant. “Ah! Now this, this is Nightshade. Specifically, Deadly Nightshade.” He gestured at a plant with bright green leaves and a purple, bell-shaped flower. “The flower itself is not poisonous. The berries are.” He gestured to some green berries growing off the flower. “These aren’t poisonous, not yet. Once they are black, they are very deadly. The poisons within the berries of the Deadly Nightshade paralyze the involuntary muscles of the body, such as the blood vessels, heart, and lungs. Do keep these away from foals.”

“I really hope no one tries to eat these.” Lorriane raised a brow. “This is actually really interesting.”

Alastor simply gestured around to the various do not touch/eat the plants signs hanging next to each plant. “I am quite glad that you are enjoying it.”

“We live in Ponyville. You know how dumb people can be.” Lorraine rolled her eyes. “And are you kidding me, this is great! It’s so cool that you know all this stuff.”

“I have had more than enough time to gain all this, hopefully helpful knowledge.” He chuckled, trotting along to the next plant. “Now this is Coatls’ Bite.” He gestured at a bright blue stalk with a fluffy dark blue bulb at the top. It appeared to be buzzing and Lorraine swore she saw sparks jumping off it.

“This you don’t normally find in regular jungles. You find these more in the craggy steppes that can be near jungles. You need the perfect mixture of climate and humidity. As you can see, this plant naturally produces static electricity by the movement of the hairs on it’s bulb. If it builds up enough it can shock anyone who touches it. It’s normally recommended that you bleed off any excess build up before attempting to pick it. Coatl’s Bite is very useful in electricity resistance potions.” Alastor explained as the bulb softly sparked. “On a windy day, within some craggy grotto, it’d be like a lightning storm going off around you.”

“This is all just so cool.” Lorraine said with a grin.

“It is, isn’t it?” Alastor nodded.

“So I found a way to ward off anyone who tries to fuck with my friends.” Gilda chuckled, gesturing a talon at the root. “Stick one of these in a super soaker.”

“Well, it’s definitely a less violent way to deal with aggressors.” Twilight nodded with a hum.

“Twilight. This one can light people on fire.” Spike pointed at a bright red-orange flower.

“Well keep away from it!” Twilight chided.

“Aaand. What’s this?” Gilda looked at the plaque. “Causes violent- No thank you.” Gilda’s face crinkled in disgust.

“And, since you wanted to see the butterflies, we’ll pass through the Medicinal Herbalism section. Specifically the sub-section, Medicinal Plants found in Forests.” Alastor nodded as the pair trotted through a section that looked like a cut out from the Whitetail Woods. They passed by a board that had information on various plants. At the top was a small line reading. Most discoveries were made by deer or zebras and their knowledge was passed on to ponies.

“Huh.” Lorraine blinked at it then moved on.

They passed by a few plants with Alastor giving some light commentary on some additional uses that the plaques didn’t provide, before the pair passed through some thick plastic curtains and went into a small dome filled with butterflies of every color.

“This is so pretty.” Lorraine said with a small smile.

“Indeed it is.” Alastor nodded as the pair strolled into the middle of the room.

It wasn’t long before they were swarmed by various butterflies. Lorraine pretended not to notice the glow and hum coming from Alastor’s horns.

“Oh hey a blue one.” Lorraine commented as one with bright blue wings and white spots fluttered around her. “I like the blue ones.”

“Well blue butterflies are associated with dreams, change, and happiness.” Alastor nodded. “Also in ages past blue butterflies were associated with The Nightmare, but times change.” He shrugged. “What with The Nightmare and her penchant for subtle guidance via dreams, it’s not really surprising that they were associated for some time. But, alas, people seem to have forgotten the more benevolent side to her nature and role.”

“What because of Nightmare Moon?” Lorraine asked.

“In truth, Nightmare Moon was the name ponies gave to Luna when she decided to flip the table as it were. Ever since then Shadowmancy has had the stigma of being evil.” He made air-quotes with his forehooves. “In reality, it has quite the number of beneficial applications. Anything from say, espionage to something as simple as mental health.” He said with a nod.

“And I should probably start looking for some herbalist or something.” Gilda commented, as she stared at the medical facts of an aloe plant.

“Me too, I was never into the more natural arts and remedies.” Twilight nodded, reading off a large sign of various plants that could be used in place of certain medicines.

“Guys, Alastor and Lorraine. Remember?” Spike spoke up. The pair blinked at him, blinked at each other, then simultaneously shrugged.

“We can catch up with them later.” Twilight nodded.

“Ooookay. Ooo a butterfly pavilion!” Spike said with a gasp.

“And I had no idea they had their own honey farm here.” Alastor commented as they trotted by a screened off area that buzzed with numerous bees. Ponies in thick white suits were tending to the large white boxes that acted as beehives. He looked ahead. “And they have a gift shop. Should we bring John and Gilda some honey?”

“They have Manuka Honey! Let’s get some Manuka Honey!” Lorraine said happily, her tail swaying back and forth like a dog.

“Yes, yes we’ll get you some Manuka Honey.” Alastor chuckled.

Lorraine blinked. “Oh no, not just for me. This stuff is really good. Everyone’s going to love it!” She nodded. “It’s good for you too.”

“Again. I believe you.” Alastor nodded as they went into the gift shop.

Alastor had spoiled her. It turned out that John have given him some money so they could splurge somewhere if they wanted to. Thus Lorraine came out, not only with the honey, but with a small headband with springs that made her look like a butterfly, and a fluffy bee plushy.

The Botanical Gardens turned out to be a great place to visit. That wasn’t the only place they had planned however.

Before they went anywhere else, they returned to the castle to drop off their stuff, or more accurately, Lorraine’s stuff.

They checked on John, who was quite irritated that ponies knew next to nothing about Changelings, and yet had whole tomes filled with what could have been anything from religious doctrine, myth, or facts and nothing gave a definitive answer as to which each tome was. He’d gotten into quite the giggle fit about them being followed and the whole “date.” He was just happy they had a good time.

The next place on their list, The Magical Conservation Committee - Canterlot Division.

It was about what they expected. It was an office building.

On just walking in the front door they were met by a receptionist. The mare specifically spoke to Lorraine, and seemed to be ignoring Alastor. “Welcome to the MCC. We’re honored that you decided to come give us a visit.” She finally looked at Alastor. “Should we notify the Tartarus Division that you’re here?”

“Oh, I don’t think we intend to stay long, we’re just... Browsing.” Alastor said with a chuckle.

“Very well.” The mare nodded then looked back to Lorraine. “Would you be interested in looking at a pamphlet showing everything that the MCC can provide you, or would you prefer a guided tour?”

“What does a tour entail?” Alastor asked, raising a brow.

“I am glad you asked!” The mare said with a grin. “You get a first hoof look at our underground facility. Canterlot’s first gated community for endangered and exotic creatures.”

“And this is not a zoo, how exactly?” Alastor asked, keeping the smile on his face.

The mare’s smile didn’t falter in the slightest. “Everything we do here is with the express consent of our residents. We all must do our part to maintain the delicate sense of Balance in our world. After all, we don’t want another Dark Age, do we?”

“Debatable.” Alastor chuckled softly. “What do you say Lorraine, do you want to see this fancy gated community?” He asked, looking at the noodle dragon.

“There’s also our R&D Division and our exclusive Match-Making System!” The mare said with a wide grin.

“Match-Making System?” Lorraine blinked at the mare.

“Yes! To ensure the survival of certain species, we have a comprehensive, multi-point test that pairs endangered species with genetically viable partners. This includes likes, dislikes, and personality traits.”

“While that does not sound terrible. The Match-Making Program is optional, correct?” Alastor asked.

“It’s optional unless you are on the Critically Endangered List.” The mare nodded. “Which you two are, congratulations.”

“Ummm, wut.” Lorraine blinked.

“The last living Luck Dragon was seen five-hundred years ago, and we cannot confirm their existence in the wild, so you count as an extinct species.” The mare said happily, before turning to Alastor. “And everyone here at the facility knows the story of The Radio Buck. The last of your kind, such a shame.”

“Yes, and I believe this is our queue to leave, if we’re interested, we’ll return.” Alastor said with a nod, turning towards the doors.

“Thanks for the information… and the pamphlet, but we have more plans today.” Lorraine excused herself, and followed the buck out of the building.

“Hope to see you again soon!” The mare called with a wave.

“Well… That didn’t sound ominous at all.” Gilda commented as she sat on a bench outside of the MCC. “They treat people like animals.”

Twilight’s horn died and she had a somewhat concerned look on her face. “I mean, officially they do a lot of amazing work, especially for non-sentient species. However, that whole…”

“Sales pitch?” Spike offered.

“Exactly. That just sounded weird.” Twilight frowned. “Is this what it sounds, err, feels like to you?” She looked at Gilda. “Are ponies really this racist?”

“Yeah.” Gilda said bluntly. “They just normally hide it behind more honeyed words. That,” she gestured at the building. “That wasn’t honeyed.”

“Guys, I’m honestly feeling a little creeped out, can we go back to the castle?” Spike asked, looking back at the building.

“After this, yes.” Twilight nodded, getting up off the bench.

The three set off, unconcerned that the deer and the dragon were heading towards a small cafe across the street.

“Aaaand now they’re gone.” Alastor chuckled. “They aren’t handling the receptionists words well.”

“Yeeeaaaah… That was just all of the nope.” Lorraine shuddered. “Not my thing, no thank you.”

“Well hopefully a proper snack will clear your head.” Alastor nodded. “Did you have fun?”

“I kinda forgot about the whole fake date bit, I was just having fun hanging out with you.” Lorraine smiled and nodded.

“I was rather lost in the plant explanations myself.” Alastor chuckled.

“Soooo, I noticed the Lion King musical is out…” Lorraine said nonchalantly. “Wanna go see it?”