Operation: Eat Their Heart Out

by TCC56

Rating: everyone
Tags: Garble, Smolder, Crystal Ponies, Dragons, Ember, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 3989

Dragons like to eat gems. You know what's made out of gems? The entire Crystal Empire.

It's a well known fact that the bulk of a dragon's diet is gemstones.

To the far north of the land lies the Crystal Empire, where basically everything is made of crystal and gemstones. Included in this is a massively powerful ancient artifact.

Garble has a stupid plan and a bottle of hot sauce.

Written for Horseword Extravaganza 2.

Featured 2/25/2020 - 2/27/2020!

Featured in Equestria Daily's 35 Fanfics to Read for Dragon Day! on 7/28/2020!

Published 2020-02-25 20:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-25 20:10:01 UTC

Closer To The Heart

Garble eyed the little pony caravan. They were moving along the edge of the Dragonlands, keeping a tight line as they threaded the border. It was a treacherous area with few paths and many dangers, one of which was Garble. He wasn't supposed to harass ponies and raid their trade routes.

But Garble was really bad at doing what he was supposed to do.

The first blast of fire from above sent the ponies scattering from their wagons - most ditched them in favor of self-preservation. It was the ones that didn't Garble continued to chase. After all, abandoned wagons weren't going anywhere.

Something caught his eye on the third pass, however. Not a wagon, but a pony that glittered and shimmered in a way ponies aren't supposed to do. Veering away from mere plunder for novelty, the teenaged dragon swooped in and grabbed the shrieking pony in his claws. It struggled and cried out, but Garble didn't really notice. He was too enticed by the pony's gem-like coat that was the color and texture of amethyst.

Ignoring the rest, Garble set the gem pony down atop a rocky mesa. It scrambled helplessly backwards, eyes darting between the dragon and the sheer cliff that promised no escape. Garble loomed. "Now what are you, shiny little pony?"

"A--a--a crystal pony," stuttered the trapped prey.

"A what?"

"A crystal pony," was the slightly more steady explanation.

Garble leaned in closer and snorted smoke into the pony's face. "I've never heard of a crystal pony before. Where in Equestria are you from?"

Fear overrode the pony for a moment, causing him to scramble away from the smoke. It flailed as one hoof found open air instead of cliffside. "I'm not! I'm not!" It huddled on the edge, heart hammering with panic. "I'm from the Crystal Empire! All crystal ponies are!"

The Crystal Empire. Home to crystal ponies. Thoughts started to connect in Garble's head.

He grabbed the pony by the neck, lifting it up and away from the edge. "Tell me more about this Crystal Empire, and maybe I'll let you go."

From there, it had been waiting for the right time.

Dragon Lord Ember was away, off visiting the ponies on some diplomatic something or other. Garble didn't care why, just that she was gone. He knew he'd never get away with this when she was nearby.

The dragons that had gathered around the caldera were mostly in Garble's own age group - a few of the older ones were present, but as age went up so did intolerance for the schemes of youth. And he was fine with that. Didn't need them anyway.

"Alright, listen up!" They went quiet enough, heads turning to Garble as he hovered in the middle of them. "So how would all of you want to never be hungry again and get to smash a ton of stuff doing it?"

A rumble went up around the caldera - unsurprisingly, the dragons gathered liked the idea.

Garble pointed northwards. "Way out there's this place called the Crystal Empire. Now, ponies are bad at naming things so guess what? It's made out of crystal. All of it. It's an entire kingdom made out of food." He paused, letting the murmur of disbelieving conversation rise. "Yeah, I know! But it is. The buildings are made out of gems. The roads are made out of gems. The ponies are even called Crystal Ponies and they're supposed to be made out of gems, too!"

That went too far, as every dragon in the area fell to a tense hush.

One of Garble's crowd of draconic hooligans - the spindly grey and green named Charcoal - was the one that spoke up. "But Dragon Lord Ember commanded us to not hurt ponies anymore," he ventured fearfully.

And Garble grinned wide. He had told Charcoal to ask it, after all. "Nah, see, that's why this is so great! Unlike you idiots, I paid attention when she said that! She said that we're at peace with Equestria and that we should leave them alone. But the Crystal Empire isn't Equestria! And she said that we weren't supposed to hurt unicorns or pegasi or earth ponies." Garble knew that was what she had said, because he was the one that had asked Ember for clarification. He hadn't realized it would create the loophole he was now exploiting at the time, but fate was funny like that. "Dragon Lord Ember never said anything about crystal ponies."

Conversation restarted in the crowd as they mulled over this information. It was true - the Crystal Empire was not Equestria, and crystal ponies were not the same as the other three kinds. So maybe it was okay?

One of the few dragons who had been paying attention raised a claw. "Wait, but isn't there another one of those super magic ponies in charge up there?"

Just as quickly, Garble dismissed it. "Yeah, but she won't be anywhere near there. There's some big thing right now where the pony leaders are all getting together and talking with each other. So she's nowhere near it and we don't have to deal with her." He looked around, watching a few slow nods of thoughtfulness. Just how he wanted it to go - the less thinking they did, the better. "Even if she's there, what's it matter? Is she gonna put a magic shield around the whole city?" Garble laughed, completely unaware that there was a pony in the Crystal Empire that could do that.

The other dragons laughed too. There weren't any further questions immediately popping up - the gathered mass seemed to be satisfied with what had been laid out so far.

Garble grinned wider. He had their attention and interest. And with Dragon Lord Ember away on.. whatever stupid diplomacy thing she was doing with the ponies? There was no dragon to shut the plan down. "Plus," he added to sweeten the deal, "remember that dumb runt, Spike? Yeah. They think he's some sort of big hero! They've got statues of him and everything. So when we get there, the first thing they're gonna think is that we're friends and they're gonna have their guard down. And then?" He thumped a fist into his palm. "We smash 'em."

All around, the gathered dragons cheered. They were in.

"So, here's the plan..."

The crowd of dragons dispersed, each heading out to get themselves ready for the journey ahead. The Crystal Empire wasn't a short trip and even the most impulsive of dragons realized the need for a little preparation.

Garble, meanwhile, was treating himself to a nice fire ruby to celebrate.

"So, what's your real plan?"

He stopped chewing and turned his head to face the worst of his critics - his little sister Smolder. Garble swallowed his ruby. "Well.. what makes you say that? It's a perfectly good plan. We split into three big groups, eat anything we get our claws on and scare the ponies into submission."

Smolder leaned against the cave entrance, arms crossed. "Because it isn't a plan and you know it. Come on, Gar-Gar, we both know that's just throwing a big pile of dragons at the ponies. And way more dragons than you need, too. If this raid was as good and easy as you say it is, why would you share it with this many dragons?"

Garble grunted. "Hey, what's that supposed to mean?"

"It means," Smolder airily said, "That you're sharing a big pile of loot with dozens of other dragons when you don't have to. Either those ponies are a lot tougher than you're telling or you've got something else in mind and they're just a distraction."

Small rocks bounced on the ground as Garble dashed to the entrance of his cave. After a glance around to be sure they were alone, he pulled Smolder inside. "Don't say that so loud, stupid!," he hissed. "Okay, yes they're just a distraction. That's why I told you you're not coming! I just need them to keep the ponies busy!"

Not being used as cannon fodder didn't seem to please Smolder as much as Garble expected it would. Instead, she prodded her brother with an angry claw. "So what is the plan, huh? You know Dragon Lord Ember is gonna be furious when she finds out you did this."

And Garble's toothy grin grew wide. "Not if she isn't Dragon Lord anymore."

Smolder gasped. "No! You're kidding!" She searched his eyes for some sign that he was - and didn't find it. "You're really serious, Garble? I mean, you're tough but you think you're gonna take on Ember?"

"Take her on and win!" Garble leaned in a little. "Wanna know how I'm gonna do it?"

Smolder, of course, nodded.

"The Crystal Empire's really far to the north, so there's snow everywhere." Garble took a step back as he explained. "But the ponies are fine and warm because there's a really powerful artifact in the middle of the city called the Crystal Heart." He traced the shape of a heart in the air with his clawtips. "So since it keeps everything warm and the snow away, it's gotta be full of fire magic! And since it's made out of crystal...." Garble chuckled darkly.

And Smolder understood. "You're gonna eat it."

Garble pointed finger-guns at his sister. "Bingo! And take all that power!" Bouncing with eagerness, he took a few more steps back. "Then once I'm super-powerful and huge, I'll beat Ember and become Dragon Lord! Then we won't have to make nice with dumb ponies anymore and we can do whatever we want!"

His enthusiasm wasn't quite infectious. Smolder inspected her claws. "And you're still really mad that Spike took your gorge-board and you wanna wreck the place that likes him."

The bigger dragon snorted a jet of derisive flame. "Little runt's got it coming."

The first part of the plan did not go off quite as intended.

For starters, there was the problem of moving dozens of dragons across most of the continent and through a frozen wasteland. Garble had dismissed that part as boring but simple - it was not. About half of his raiding force was lost enroute, either after becoming bored with the trip, annoyed about the cold or getting distracted by the vast stretches of other things to do along the way. A few were also lost when Equestrian authorities caught up with some of the slower-moving dragons to find out just what the heck was going on.

But it was fine. This was going to be an easy raid and they were just cannon fodder. Garble didn't need all of them anyway.

The second part of the plan didn't exactly work as expected, either.

The idea had been that since Spike was so well-loved in the Crystal Empire, that the dragons would initially be welcomed as friends before their sudden but inevitable betrayal. Instead the dragons found themselves met immediately by defensive spear lines and fleeing ponies.

While the presence of resistance right away was disconcerting, it didn't change their plans for the attack itself. Which also fell apart almost immediately anyway. Instead of three focused wedges of dragons plunging into the Empire, every dragon went their own way without caring what the others did. Instead of deep pushes into the town, it turned into an unfocused wave that stopped at the outskirts. The pony defenders seemed to almost accept that - they fell back, fought only to help civilians escape, and left the buildings to be ravaged by the dragons.

The destruction was thankfully as glorious as Garble had hoped. Crystal ponies were fleeing, the guards were slowly retreating rather than fight, and it was wild enough chaos that Discord would have been briefly amused.

Garble landed beside several of his preferred henchdragons - Backdraft, Fizzle and Fume. "You three got this part?"

The pale one - Fizzle - turned. "We got a problem, boss." To demonstrate he belched a gout of fire onto one of the houses. The flames washed over the crystalline structure... and did nothing. "We can't burn anything!"

With an annoyed grunt, Garble smacked Fizzle across the snout. "That's because they're crystal, you idiot. Don't burn it, eat it." He pointed off to the left, where Charcoal was gnawing on the roof of another home. "That was the whole point of why we came here!"

"Oooooooh. Right." Fizzle promptly bit into a wall, tearing a chunk out of the crystal. "Little bland, but good!"

Garble shook his head. "So loot some spices or something." He jerked a thumb over his shoulder. "I'm gonna move in a bit and get a better look. See if they're forming a counter-attack." That was a total lie, but the henchdragons didn't seem to care. They had cottages to consume.

Taking to the air, Garble looked out across the Empire at war. Another part of his plan seemed a success in spite of everything - the Crystal Guard was spread thin across the city, forced into a wide arc to contain all of the rampaging dragons. That meant they probably had pulled all their guards from everywhere else.. and he had his opportunity.

Staying high up, he flew inwards and towards the great palace at the center of the Empire. Few spotted him at that height and the handful that did couldn't hope to catch him. Garble's focus did waver, however - he could see a huge crystal statue of Spike far below. The temptation to smash it was almost overwhelming... but no. It would still be there after he consumed the Heart. He could destroy it then.

Landing at the base of the Crystal Palace, Garble found his meager planning rewarded - there were no guards. The Crystal Heart sat, gently spinning in place out in the open. With a hungry smile, he stalked forward to claim and consume his pri--

A yellow beam of magic slapped Garble across the face.

"Hey, what gives?!" Garble rubbed his jaw, eyes darting to spot who dared get in his way.

The source of the blast was a unicorn stallion - orange and white, dressed in a star-covered robe. Sunburst had his hooves set wide, horn lit to charge another blast. "I won't let you touch the Crystal Heart, you... monster!"

Distracted now from the artifact, Garble snarled at the defiant defender. "I'm not gonna let some egghead pony get in my way. You better run now before I get really mad." He took a threatening step forward.

Sunburst shot him in the face again.

Garble was more prepared this time - it merely turned his head. In response, the angry dragon unleashed a torrent of fire at the unicorn. Thinking quickly, Sunburst snapped a shield up to block the wave of heat.

And that was his mistake.

As the flames cleared, they were replaced by a charging Garble. The much larger dragon body-checked into Sunburst's shield, the unexpected impact shattering it. Dazed, the Crystaller was tossed to the ground and slid away.

Garble loudly snorted. "And stay down, weakling."

Then he turned back to his prize. The Heart spun, unaware of the threat looming over it. Garble licked his lips in preparation before pulling out his final weapon: a bright red bottle of hot sauce. Fizzle had said the crystal was a little bland.

Raising the bottle high, Garble prepared to take his place in history.

And he stopped dead.

Not because he wanted to, but because a magical aura of turquoise surrounded him and locked him in place. Unable to move, his eyes searched desperately to find the pony he missed.

They found a very, very angry Starlight Glimmer standing beside a slowly rising Sunburst.

"YOU. You think you're so tough, huh?" Starlight stalked forward, eyes locked on the frozen Garble. "Waiting until Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were away? Bringing an army just so you could get the Crystal Heart? Well, you made two big mistakes there, pal. The first is that you didn't check to find out that I came up here to help foalsit Flurry Heart while they were away. The second is that you hurt MY FRIEND."

The aura around Garble's throat tightened just enough to make his eyes bug out. Then it slackened as Sunburst set a calming hoof on Starlight's withers.

And then Garble let out a hoarse laugh. "Joke's on you, puny pony. I've still got an army of dragons, and it's just a matter of time before they destroy this whole city. You're just one pony, you can't stop all of them."

Sunburst adjusted his glasses. "Actually, we don't have to. They've already disabled themselves." Both Garble and Starlight looked to the scholar questioningly. "There's a reason that the dragons never attacked the Crystal Empire, even before it disappeared." In full lecture-mode, he trotted over and tapped a hoof against one of the palace's crystalline supports. "Crystal Empire crystal actually has a component to it not dissimilar to the amino acid L-Tryptophan. Which, when consumed in large quantities, has a soporific effect on life forms with a mineral-based diet."

"...Huh?" Garble was pretty sure that the geek pony was trying to make a point, but too many of those words were nerd-words.

"It puts dragons to sleep."

The Crystal Guard slowly advanced into the outer edges of the Empire. Dozens of houses lay in ruins - eaten by the encroaching horde. But beside nearly every wrecked home lay a peacefully sleeping dragon, napping off their gorged meal.

Fizzle murmured quietly as a spear poked him. In his arms was one of the few casualties of the battle - an unharmed Lieutenant Flash Sentry was cradled in the sleeping dragon's grip like a teddy bear, panic in his eyes and a sign in his hooves that read HELP ME.

"So," Sunburst elucidated, "Your entire army is probably fast asleep by now. Which is why the Crystal Guard was under orders to protect the citizens of the Empire and let your dragons eat their fill."

Garble's goose was cooked and he knew it. But he didn't intend to give them the satisfaction. "Well, now that I know that I won't eat any! And you can't hold me like this forever, pony! Sooner or later you're gonna have to let go and then I'm outta here!"

Starlight's furious eyes narrowed to pinpricks. "Maybe not forever. But I've got a paralysis spell and an idea..."

The next day, the royals arrived. Princess Cadence with Shining Armor, and along side them was Dragon Lord Ember. Their return to the Crystal Palace wasn't immediate: the Empire's rulers toured the damaged areas of their city and gave promises of aid to their citizens who had been displaced by the attack, while Ember had all the dragons gathered up and spent a solid hour yelling at them for being absolute idiots before demanding they go home without causing further problems.

Arriving at the Palace, the three came to the ringleader. Garble was not happy, that much was certain. But it was hard to tell since he was completely paralyzed. Trapped in the stance of the moment of his guilt - reared back, hot sauce in hand and ready to eat the Crystal Heart he was now safely far away from - Garble could do nothing more than watch and whimper quietly as Princess Flurry Heart clamored all across her new favorite playtoy.

Cadence and Shining cheerfully watched as Flurry scrambled up Garble's arm, under his wings, up his back, over top his head and flopped bonelessly across his nose while giggling like a possessed doll. The feathers of her wings tickled his nose as she lay there - but the paralysis spell that froze him denied Garble even the relief of a sneeze. A smugly grinning Starlight motioned for the parents to come around the other side, showing off Flurry's hoof-painted art all across Garble's back - a beautiful (if extremely abstract) family portrait as done by a toddler.

With barely suppressed laughter, Shining Armor lifted Flurry off her perch. "Alright Flurry. It's time for little princesses to have their nap." With a quick kiss from Cadence, he carried off the littlest alicorn.

The child out of the room, Ember stepped up in front of Garble with her arms crossed. "So. I'm not sure if I'm more impressed or angry at you, Garble. Pulling this off took a lot of guts, and the way you twisted what counted as a pony to persuade the other dragons was actually pretty smart for you." She considered - and then gave Garble a hard flick across the snout. "But you also tried to depose me, attacked our allies and tried to eat an ancient artifact without knowing what it actually does."

Cadence cheerfully piped up. "The Crystal Heart doesn't have any fire magic at all, by the way! It's entirely the warmth of love that the citizens of the Crystal Empire have for each other."

"Yeah," Ember noted with a nod. "So who knows what it would have done to a doofus like you." She reached up, wiping a smear of mashed peas off of Garble's frill. Ember rolled it between her clawtips thoughtfully. "Fortunately, no permanent damage was done and you seem to have been taught a pretty humiliating lesson by Starlight Sparkle here."

Starlight grumbled. "Glimmer. The thing on my flank is a glimmer."

Ember completely ignored her. "So I think I'm gonna let you off light. After I take some from your hoard to pay for the buildings your crew ate."

A tiny whimper snuck out from Garble's frozen mouth.

Condescendingly, Ember patted his chin. "There there. It could be worse!" She turned to leave and... stopped. Looking at Cadence, a thought occurred and a toothy draconic smile widened.

"Actually!" Ember spun back around to Garble. "I'll even owe you a little because you just solved a big problem for me. You see, this whole... diplomatic conference thing we were at? The one we had while you were trying to take my throne and destroy one of our allies? Princess Twilight called it. She's got this wild idea that she wants to start up a school that's all about teaching friendship." Chuckling laughter wracked her body. "Yeah! I know, right? A school just for that?" Ember slapped Garble's knee with a wink. "And here I thought ponies just were like that naturally."

Off to the side, Starlight gave a sour look to Cadence - who smiled back knowingly.

"Anyway, the reason I was there," Ember explained, "Was because she wanted to have a student from the Dragonlands to come to her school. Something about cultural exchange and strengthening bonds or something like that. And of course I said no, because what dragon's going to want to go to some dumb pony school to learn about that?"

Ember paused, letting all that information hang in the air before asking a seemingly unrelated question. "Say, Garble. Don't you have a younger sister?"

Garble couldn't scream, but his eyes did their best to.

And Ember's smile. Got. Wider.

"That's right. I'm going to send your sister out of the Dragonlands." Ember flapped up, putting herself eye-level with Garble. "To a pony school." She drew closer. "To learn how to do things like a pony." Her snout pressed up against his. "With Spike."

And then she landed. "Remember this next time you get a smart idea, Garble." She turned away and snapped her claws. "Princess Cadence? I say we have lunch, then you can unfreeze this blockhead and I'll drag him back home."

The lights shut off, leaving Garble in the silent dark when he couldn't even scream.

Author's Note

Between this and A Changeling Path I think I may have accidentally started writing an 'Origins of the Young Six' sequence.