T, I thought to myself.
I will always be T, I thought, and–
“Hi, Twilight!” Fluttershy greeted me in interruption, her voice soft and feminine, wandering in my imagination. She cupped her hands into a heart towards me as she sat down. I smiled at the display of affection and returned the gesture, prompting a grin.
“Hey,” I replied, my own lips moving with my eyes locked on my friends’, but the foreign voice of a forgotten baritone leaving my mouth in my stead. Do I really sound like that, I wondered? Did that word really leave my mouth? Is that really me or just a fragment of my body?
She smiled at me, peacefully oblivious to the chatter bouncing off my cranial walls. “How have you been?” she wondered, almost insulting me with her feminine resonance. I shrugged and stared back at her grin, so warm, so pleasant. My turmoil melted away into the inner crevices of my heart, warmed by the purity of her happiness by my presence. She glowed. I think I might’ve eeped.
Keeping my eyes affixed on hers, perhaps the only solution to anxiety known to human or ponykind, I responded, “I’m alright. And you?”
Fluttershy beamed, and I couldn’t help but mirror her felicity. “Oh, I’ve been wonderful. Thank you for asking!” She cleared her throat. Even her coughs were feminine, I noticed, doing my best to dispel envious thoughts from my head, bound by a ceaseless angst to focus only on the girl before me. She continued asking, “Remember when I was nominated by the Canterlot Rescue Association for my work at the shelter?” I nodded. Though I wish I knew the secret to dispel tumultuous memories, my neurons permanently imprint themselves with everything from Fluttershy’s secrets to calculus theorems. And fears.
She elaborated, “I filled out a long application, but after turning it in, I didn’t hear even a peep from the administration.” She paused. “Until today!” She squeed, clapping her hands. “I’m the new CRA Volunteer of the Year!”
I grinned, perhaps as much with my eyes as with the corners of my lips, my mouth hung a centimeter open. “Oh, that’s amazing, Fluttershy!” I touched my fists together and pushed it in front of my chest – a decidedly flat chest, my inner self-critic grumbled from a voice I vowed not to give into. Shaking my brain-sized, heart-shaped fists in excitement, I interjected in an ecstatic shrill falsetto, “Squee!”.
Fluttershy mirrored me, bliss stretched from ear to ear.
Squee! Blorp– no, wait, squee! Well, blorp. Brain break – Squee! – brain break – we’re just platonic friends, right? Squee! Yeah, of course we are, ~~nobody would want a romantic relationship with me anyway so everything is platonic~~, it’s cool, it’s cool, it’s cool. Squee!
Fluttershy beamed at me, evicting my mental hamster from its treadmill of doom. Silly monkey brain. I whispered, “I love you”, my eyes glittering as a chemical potpourri of oxytocin and dopamine surely pumped through my veins.
“I love you, too, Twilight,” she hummed back, outstretching her arms. I followed, wrapping ourselves in a warm hug.
A hug whose warmth led me to smile, enveloped in her presence, my world replaced by Fluttershy and Fluttershy alone.
A hug whose warmth led my thoughts to wander into unspeakable territory and – “Ack!” I shouted, pulling back immediately from the embrace, ensuring zero points of physical contact remained between us. I squatted down, burying my head under my arm and my face into my knees, sinking down into my own jail of self-isolation.
Fluttershy murmured, her voice muffled but brimming with concern. “Are you alright, Twilight?”
I couldn’t bear to tell her the truth. Of course, I trusted her – I do trust her – but how on Earth (or Equestria) could I confess what… what happened? That when we touched, I… perked up? Got excited? Ponied up? No, I decided, there was no way she could know about the Midnight in me.
I groaned. “I, uh… Midnight… you… I’m sorry,” I pouted out, shutting my eyes and drooping my head to return to my sulking solace. My words dribbled out from the sides of my lips like pebbles from the depths of my emotional well. Plitz. Plitz. Plitz.
Fluttershy hmphed, smiling empathetically. “It’s alright. You’re alright. No need to apologize.” I looked up to notice her frowning. Fluttershy frowning? Fluttershy frowning was a sight that broke my heart twice over: once, for seeing the (platonic?) love of my life hurting, and twice, for knowing her injury, her pain, her sorrow, it was my fault.
My fault.
My fault. That’s what it is, isn’t it? If I weren’t so broken – a part of me thinks I’m not broken, but the rest of me disagrees – if I weren’t so broken, I would never have had a unicorn horn to light up with dark magic. Sex is dark magic to me. During my darkest hours, the boys of Canterlot High snickered that “dark is sexy”.
They never knew the Midnight in me. Nobody did.
Maybe I am the Midnight after all, and there never was a Twilight to speak of. Maybe I am the Midnight, and it will be my own fault and nobody else’s when I hurt everyone around me, the way I am. When all my friends abandoned me, like they did at my old school, maybe this time I won’t be so quick to blame everyone else for a rift emanating from me, myself, and I.
“–Twilight?” A boom snapped me awake. Eyes forced upon, I saw Fluttershy’s fingers snapping softly in my newfound field-of-vision. I traced her fingers up to her arm, shoulder, face, traced to see Fluttershy’s tooth sunk into the bottom of her lip, her eyebrows furrowed in contemplation. I cringed for my sins, for improper thoughts of her bouncing in my adolescent skull, and for for contaminating her with the curse of my midnight. Still, I froze as she opened and shut her mouth once, twice, thrice. Still, I froze as she outstretched her arms, meekly offering another hug.
I found myself panicking. “No!” I exclaimed. I covered my mouth with my hand, pausing and then correcting myself at a socially appropriate volume. “No, thank you.” I stared off into the depths. “I’m sorry. I just worry that… hugging might make it even worse. I’m so sorry, Fluttershy. I’m s–” She interrupted my circuitous compulsive series of apologies with a finger floating in front of my lips. “No!” I repeated. I cringed at the Midnight I unwittingly unleashed into my conversation. “Please… please don’t touch me anymore. I don’t want to hurt you, Fluttershy.” I sniffled. “I never wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry. I should go.”
Fluttershy cocked her head, wearing a sympathetic frown that melted my heart. “It’s okay. You didn’t hurt me. Are you okay?” She reiterated, and the words continued to repeat in my mind. It’s okay. I didn’t hurt her. Am I okay? It’s okay. I didn’t hurt her. Am I okay? It’s oka– I stopped myself, vainly trying to be present, obsessions getting the better of my mindfulness.
Using up my remaining cognitive resources to keep my head right side up and my eyes open, I nevertheless averted her gaze, unable to face the object of my affections and the subject of my fears. Distantly, I mumble, “I’m sorry.”
Fluttershy frowned sympathetically, and we sat in uncomfortable silence for the better part of a minute. Retrospectively, I’m grateful she gave me space to process.
Head spinning, I broke the silence. My hand clutched my arm, pressing my limbs against each other in passive resignation to anxiety. Meekly, I wondered, “Does it bother you?”
Fluttershy tilted her head, a little spacey in the eyes. “Does… what bother me? You haven’t done anything wrong, Twilight.”
I looked down and begin to count the individual crevices in my shoes. Acutely aware of my gravely, deep chest voice rumbling out in pointed contrast to her feminine hum, I elaborated, “Does it… bother you that I, uh, my bits, uh, got excited while we were hugging? Does it bother you? It bothers me!” I huffed. “I shouldn’t have been born this way. I’m a terrible person,” I cursed myself under my breath prompting her to wince.
Fluttershy drew a deep breath, stuck processing my anxious rapid-fire spiel. Eventually, after a dreadfully long period of dark anticipation, she admitted, “Oh. Well, I guess I’m a little uncomfortable,” twirling a lock of pinkish hair in her fingers, presumably to distract from the awful Midnight I was unleashing. Well, my presumption at the time, anyway.
I found myself cutting her short. “I’m more uncomfortable!” I whimpered, bent on winning the Awkward Olympics. Immediately I blinked at my spur-of-the-moment faux pas, once again prompted by a fluttery wince that twice broke my heart. “I’m sorry,” I whispered, bowing my head with a frown.
She nodded. “I know.” She curled her lip inward, paused, and affirmed, “I’m not mad at you, Twilight.”
My head spun as I instinctively replied, “Maybe you should–” I stopped myself, aware of the fruitlessness of that train of thought. “Thank you,” I corrected, unconvinced that she could stay friends with someone like me after what I did to her.
She smiled. “Of course. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, neither for being trans–” I cringed at the descriptor, crystal jeering reverberating in my frontal lobe – “nor for what happened. You’re not just your body.” She drew a breath, blushing a bit. “Birds and the bees, Twilight. We’re teenagers. These things happen. It’s not inherently wrong, and it’s certainly not your fault.”
I huffed. “Isn’t it?” Wheezing, I exclaimed, “If I never let myself touch you – or anybody else – ever again, boom, problem solved, no more anxiety! It’s a fool proof strategy!” These self-destructive words I interjected in a single breath of doom, leading me grasping for air following my outburst.
Fluttershy frowned pensively. She glanced off to the sky; a moment later, with a slight curl of the lips, she asked, “Did I ever tell you about Poseidon?”
I raised an eyebrow at the tangent. “The Greek god?”
“Um, no, there’s a Golden Retriever at the shelter named Poseidon. He’s really sweet, he’ll do anything for a chew toy, and he, um, really likes me.”
I raised my other eyebrow. “I’m pretty sure all the dogs like you, Fluttershy. You’re kind of amazing with animals.”
She smiled, blushing. “He really likes me.”
“Well, of cour– oh.” I pursed my lips, scrunching my nose. “I see your point.”
A hint of pink lingered in her cheeks. “Mmhmm.” She darted my gaze, continuing, “Dogs don’t have the kinds of taboos that we do; they don’t conceal when they, um, ‘get excited’, in your words.” She hesitated, then softly asked, “Does that mean Poseidon wants to date me?”
I shook my head, half of her words flying over my head yet the other half reverberating on my heartstrings.
She stared at me, not quite smiling, but with a warmth in her vision and a comfort in her presence. “Think of it like that, Twilight. It’s just biology – it doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t let it.” She lowered her voice. “And, um, given what you just said, it seems pretty obvious you don’t want to let it.”
Cornered, I sputtered. “But– well– He’s a dog. I’m a human. You can’t compare it.” I scrunched my eyes to stare at floating purple blobs, galaxies twinkling away amidst my eyelid midnight. “I just – I just need to never touch you again. No risk of physiological ambiguity that way, right?” I frowned. “Right?”
Fluttershy tipped her head down, compensating with an upward gaze to maintain eye contact. “Maybe. But then you would never get to hug me again, would you?” She sulked, tacking on quietly, “Or even hold my hand, for that matter.”
I shrugged, a bit more aggressively than I intended, feeling ever disconnected from my body. Crazy-eyed slurred speech dribbled out, the Midnight Sparkle in me proclaiming, “I’m a small casualty. It’s better to isolate myself from people I could hurt.” I glanced down, a melancholy washing over my face as I absorbed the full extent of my words. “I can’t bear the thought of hurting you.” A knot grew in my stomach. “Speaking of–” I mumbled slowly in a flat acknowledgment of my newfound commitment – “I should probably get out of your hair. I’ve wasted enough of your time as it is.” I paused, and out of compulsion or truthful guilt I couldn’t say, added in, “I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I promise this is the last time I’ll let you down like this.” I mumbled, the dark implications of my speech mutually evident.
“No.” Fluttershy huffed with an assertiveness I had never heard from her and never would again. “I won’t let you go.” She folded her arms into each other, perhaps to add a serious flare but only underscoring her pseudo-sour face and increasing her overall adorableness. “Hm. You say you’re hurting me, but…” She trailed off. “What happened to you isn’t hurting me, Twilight.” Her assertive grasp disappearing, she sniffled in vain as her attempt to hold back the waterworks was undermined by a wailing eruption. “And even if it did hurt, I would still stay by your side. You’re my friend, Twilight Sparkle–” I felt a dazed warmth of unfamiliar sweetness as she spoke my name, still foreign after years of constant use – “And regardless of what happened at Crystal Prep–” I winced – “I will never leave you.” She punctuated her declaration with tears.
Tears I joined into moments later as the gravity of my real crime sunk in.
“Stretching my wings” may not have hurt her, but my words certainly did.
Terror struck me. Our friendship was over with my pained declaration, wasn’t it? It didn’t have to be over, and Fluttershy made it abundantly clear that she didn’t want it to be over, but then I go and ruin it with another episode of Twilighting. This is all my fault. It’s always my fault. I should just say, “I’m sorry”, and move on to green pastures, and…
And then terror would strike again, since my words would just be oil to the flame burning between us. Fluttershy didn’t need another cheap “I’m sorry”, the two words I dished out a dozen times a day, plagued by guilt for my mere existence burdening the rest of the world’s lives. “I’m sorry” was off the list as I grappled for words. All I could mumble out was, “I love you, Fluttershy. And thank you for putting up– Um, thank you for being there for me.”
Still sniffling, she brightened, her face tired but finally appeased. “I love you, too, Twilight,” she replied. “Never forget that.”
I sighed. “Thank you,” I croaked out like clockwork. Tick tock, tick tock, I love you, Fluttershy. Tick, I fear, tock, you’ll forget me. Tick tock, but still I’d love you. Tick tock, tick tock, but what if I didn’t, Tick, tock! What if I’m the one who forgets you and stops loving you! Tick! Tock! What if–
“Twilight.” Fluttershy cooed slowly placing her hand on my should, for comfort I suppose, pulling me out of my daze.
I whimpered, glancing in rapid fire between her hand and my still flat lap, fearing at any moment it would “light up”, and I’d shrivel up and burn on top of its filament, encircling her in my inextinguishable fire.
Her hand still touching me, my world spiraling faster than Fibonacci, she said, “Breathe, Twilight.” I complied, if only because I’d long forgotten how to disobey a direct order from my best friend.
Rationally, I knew diaphragmatic breaths ought to have relaxed me, but any benefit was noise overshadowed by the anxious fact that Fluttershy was still touching me.
“You’re okay, Twilight.” She repeated, again inching away at my mile of terror. Still, compelled by her presence, I instinctively exhaled, releasing a breath I forgot I was holding.
“I love you, Twilight.” She affirmed, and I smiled, still shaking and vaguely wishing she would release her hand already, though a part of me nevertheless comforted by the closeness.
Fearful for the future but trusting no matter what happens, she would be there by my side, I closed my eyes and sighed.
“I love you too, Fluttershy.”
