Suction Cup Aria: The Revival

by MorbidTheBrony

Rating: mature
Tags: Equestria Girls, Aria Blaze, Comedy, Adagio Dazzle, Profanity, Random, Discord, Human
Length: 1985

She ain't dead yet, bitches! Suction Cup Aria is back for another one!

After being wiped off the face of the Earth once, this bitch is trying again for another. Suction Cup Aria returns once again, pissing people off and stopping... the forces of asswipes? Yeah, that.

It's Suction Cup Aria, motherfuckers!

All credit to Mike Piemations for bestowing upon us the legendary Suction Cup Man.

Published 2020-01-27 21:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-27 21:50:01 UTC

Her Final Return

This was finally it. She attached her primary weapons to her belt. Her greatest mission ever. She tied a camouflage band around her forehead. She waited a long time for this. She dipped a pair of her fingers into a tub of war paint and smeared it under her eyes. The grandest of adventures was finally upon her. The adventure of adventures. Probably the hardest challenge she has ever had to face which may easily result in one's unfortunate death, most likely her's, but nevertheless, this was the mission of a lifetime. This. Was. It!

"So, you mind telling me what exactly I'm going up against here?" Aria asked, standing at the front of a very tall city tower.

"There's a terrifying monster currently camping out at the top of my tower." Aria's sister, Adagio, pointed towards the roof. "It's been there for a few hours now, but I have no doubt that it will strike at any given moment. That's why I've called upon you, Suction Cup Aria."

Aria sighed and held her head in her left palm. "Adagio, you can just call me Aria. No need to refer to the hero's superhero name or whatever shit."

"I really don't fucking care. Just go up there and get that thing the fuck off my tower!" Adagio yelled before handing Aria a walkie-talkie. "And also make sure to inform me of how everything's going."

Aria took the radio from her sister and walked towards the tower's wall. "Whatever. Later."

Adagio quickly ran over in front of Aria before she could make it to the wall, spreading out her arms to block her path. "Woah, woah, woah! And just what do you think you're doing?!"

"About to climb your tower, dumbass. What do you think?" Aria unclipped one of the suction cups from her belt.

"Oh-ho no! We're not doing this shit again! You go inside and use the elevator like a real fucking human being." Adagio pointed to the door just a few feet to her left and Aria's right.

Aria humphed and put her hands on her hips. "Well, excuse me, but I think you called for Suction Cup Aria and not Regular Ass Aria. I'm climbing your fucking tower."

"But I just had these windows cleaned," Adagio whined, pouting and bringing her arms back down.

"Well, I'm not using your damned elevators!"

Adagio put a hand to her chin. She clicked her fingers when she got an idea. "I think there's a reasonable solution for us both to be happy."

Aria couldn't wait to hear this.

Aria was currently about half way to the top of the tower. After moving another suction cup further upwards, she reached back to her belt and grabbed the bottle of window cleaner and a cloth and cleaned the smudge from her cups. She moved further up and rinse and repeat.

Then, her radio began buzzing. Aria picked it up and held it to her ear.

"So, how's progress so far?" Adagio asked from the other end.

"Well, let's see here, your windows are still pretty much spotless, and also it's gonna take me a whole fucking day to climb this tower, you asshole!" Aria shouted down the microphone. "Just let me fucking climb in peace!"

"Uh, no. We agreed that the only way to keep both of us happy-"

"Fuck your windows! I'm Suction Cup Aria! Look at me go!"

"You said you'd clean my windows on the way up, motherfucker, and I wouldn't call the police for climbing my tower again!"

Aria was silent. Adagio did say that... Was she to abide only to be in jail for her to climb back out of again?

"Fuck it," she said before throwing the bottle of spray and the cloth over her shoulder. She began her ascent once again and this time, no cleaning of windows was going to stop her now.

Aria could hear Adagio trying to shout on her through the walkie-talkie, but she chose to ignore her to save her from anymore spouted bullshit.

It was truly a climb. Adagio, somehow, owned one of the tallest buildings in the whole city, which made it that much more of a fun climb for ye ol' suction cup connoisseur. That it was. It was especially funny as Adagio has always hated it when Aria climbed her tower.

But finally, after a good few hours of climbing, including the cleaning time, she reached the top. She flung herself over the edge and just laid there, sunny-side up, huffing and puffing.

"Why, hello there, little one," a male voice suddenly said.

Aria looked to her left and saw a large, snake like creature. She jumped back with surprise.

"What the fu-aaahh...!" She fell of the building.

"Hmm. That was rather short lived," the creature said while sipping on a glass of lemonade and laying back again.

Aria climbed back up to the top and continued to wheeze. She looked up to get a better look at the monster. She didn't know what it was. It had a very long and lanky body, but it had the head of a horse, horns of a reindeer and dragon, arms of a lion and bird, legs of a dragon and horse, wings of a dragon and bird and the tail of a dragon. There was a lot of dragon on this thing.

Aria gulped and slowly shifted towards the thing.

The beast caught a glimpse of her again and lifted up its sunglasses. "Oh, you're back!" it said with a smile. "Why, thank goodness. I personally wouldn't want to be responsible for a murder on such a lovely day."

It sat back once more, soaking in the sun rays that were shining. All Aria could do was stare at it.

"Very sorry to interrupt your 'lovely day', but what the fuck are you?!" Aria asked the most important question.

"Oh! Where are my manners?" The creature stood up from its sun lounger, and with a snap of his fingers, the chair, drink and sunglasses were gone. "My name is Discord, known by many as the God of Chaos!" He snapped his fingers again and Aria heard a fanfare coming from nowhere and above the beast's head, sparkly bold text appeared that read 'DISCORD'.

Aria had to shield her eyes, the text was that bright. "Okay... that's the who the fuck, but I'm still waiting for the what the fuck, both 'are you' and 'doing here'."

Discord just sighed and put his claws and paw in a pair of pockets that appeared on his body. "I'm just a tired, old draconequus looking for someplace of rest," he said with a desperate tone.

"Dra-konna-kiss?" Aria asked slowly, making sure she got it right.

"Meh." Discord gave a shrug. "Close enough." He sat back down, once again, on his lovely chair.

Aria walked closer, this time without as much hesitation. "So, what are you resting from, if you don't mind me asking?"

"I'm trying to get away from the bossy princess back in Equestria. I swear, just because I can do everything doesn't mean I have to do everything," the hybrid complained.

"Aria? You there? What's the situation?" Aria's transceiver spoke on her hips.

"Who's that there?" Discord asked, sliding his sunglasses down his nose to look over them.

Aria took the radio from her belt and held it up. "My asswipe of a sister, Adagio. She forced me up here to deal with you," she explained. She proceeded to tell Discord about her cleaning conundrum on the way up here, using all sorts of fascinating words.

Discord hummed when Aria had finished. "It would seem that your sister really is a... umm, what was it you said about her again?"

"A poofy haired prick that oughtta go suck a dick just so she can sell more of her shitter paper," Aria responded, arms crossed with the radio still in hand.

"Yeah, that. Making you do all that all while making me look like a bad guy. I mean, the nerve of some people really."

"Fuckin' tell me about it."

"I think you need a rest as much as I do, Miss... uhh..." Discord shook his talon wrist, signalling Aria to help him out.

Aria gave him a confident salute. "Suction Cup Aria. Like a superhero but fuckin' pointless in every way shape or form."

"Miss Suction Cup Aria..." He snapped his fingers and another sun lounger with an umbrella with a glass of ice cold lemonade appeared. He patted the extra chair with a grin. "...care for a sit?"

Adagio was done and fucking tired of waiting. She stormed up the last flight of stairs that let to the top of the tower. If Aria wasn't willing to help out, Adagio could just as easily kill the both of them.

The door slammed open and Adagio could not believe what she was seeing. She stared, eye wide, at Aria resting next to the monster with a lemonade in hand.

"What the fuck are you doing, Aria?!" Adagio shouted, breaking Aria out of her peaceful trance.

"Handling the situation, dumbass. What do you think?" Aria retorted.

"Why is that thing still here?!" Adagio pointed towards Discord. "Get it the fuck out of here now!"

"No, fuck you!" Aria threw her sister the bird.

"Fuck you!"

"And fuck you some more, you fucking cheeto!"

Discord didn't feel as though he could have much of an input in this very weird situation.

Adagio growled. "We had a deal, Aria! You get this thing off my tower and I wouldn't call-!"

"Hey, I wrote you a song!" Aria suddenly said, now holding an acoustic guitar.

"You better not strum that guitar!" Adagio's voice was low and threatening as she pointed a fierce finger towards her insane sister.

Aria paused for a moment, but Adagio could see her hand slowly raise, ready to strum. Her hand swung back down, playing a song in the key of F.

"Oh, Adagio! You're my sister,
But you're a bitch!
You're a bitch!
You're a bitch!

"Oh, Adagio! I know you mean well, but,
Go eat a dick!
Eat a dick!
Eat a dick!"

Aria continued to sing loud and proud. Discord also began snapping his fingers to the beat, bopping his head with a grin of enjoyment.

Adagio had just about enough of this shit. You could practically here the steam whistle out of her ears as her blood boiled, turning her face a bright red.

"Give me that fucking guitar!" Adagio roared as she began booking it towards Aria.

"Oh shit!" Aria yelped and jumped off of the chair and ran to the edge of the building. Without hesitating, she leaped off and began to plummet.

"Aria!" Adagio's mood immediately switched to furious to fearful as she looked over the building's edge. Discord appeared next to her.

Rather than a splattered Aria on the ground, they both instead saw a picture of Aria and her shit eating grin on the back of a parachute.

"Haha! Fuck you, Adagio!" Aria cheered as she slowly descended.

"Aria! You have me a fucking heart attack! I thought you died!" Adagio screamed.

"You can't kill Suction Cup Aria! Look at me go!"

Discord gave an amused hum. "Well, some of a bitch," he said.

Adagio looked at the draconequus. She was just fed up now. Not even angry, or happy. She was done. "Please, just get the fuck off my tower."

Author's Note

After the first story was wiped off of the face of the Earth, I just knew that it was only a matter of time that she would return. So, after over a month of the thought of writing another story like this haunting me, I got down to it.

Will she return again? Fuck no!

This was probably the worst idea I've ever had...