Lesson Zero: A retelling

by saum22

Rating: mature
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Gore, Princess Celestia, Dark, Thriller, Mrs. Cake, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike
Length: 1819

Turning an unrelate-able comedy into a disturbingly real feeling horror is my job at this moment

Season two, Episode three: Lesson Zero. Twilight sparkle begins a descent into madness due to almost being tardy.

With... a gory twist in her mind.

Published 2020-03-28 03:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-28 03:50:01 UTC

Chapter 1

“Quill?” I asked.

“Check.” a young dragon responded.

Next,

“Parchment?” I asked with some excitement in my voice.

“Check” the dragon replied.

Gotta have ink, “Extra Ink?” I inquisited my assistant,

“Check”, he replied.

Annnd, “Extra Extra Ink?” I asked the boy.

“Check.” he responded firmly yet with a tad bit of annoyance and confusion.

Was that all?

“Is that everything on the checklist?” the inquisition may have been unnecessary, but I wanted to make sure,

“Yep.” my assistant said.

“Great,” I said with a clear and ready tone, “Now that we’ve completed the checklist of things we need to create a checklist, we can make my checklist of the things I have to get done by the end of the day!” I excitedly proclaimed.

“Ready?” my tone almost sounded like one of a workout instructor’s.

I turned my head towards Spike, my assistant, “Ready” he affirmed. Ooo, spike, that fire in your eyes impresses me!

“Item one, create checklist of things I have to accomplish by the end of the day” I said, with the widest of smiles on my face. Spike groaned when I said that. What’s wrong with making a checklist?

I went to the cleaner’s to get my cape, a small purple one that I use not too often, and dropped it off there. 90 minutes, and I’ll be back for you! Spike crossed that off the checklist. I had used a blackboard, that belonged to Miss.Cheerilee earlier this week for a lecture I was practicing. It was a quick return, and a thank you was given. 75 minutes.

“Spike, did you make sure that you checked this off?” I asked as we were walking towards the stationery shop. “Yep”, as he marked off the box near the picture of Cheerliee’s blackboard. 70 minutes.

We went to the stationery, and got an order of twenty pages of parchment, and eighteen quills. “Wow, if it weren’t for you, I’m pretty sure I’d be outta business!” the shopkeep exclaimed, in an almost taunting manner. The shopkeep was a dark, berry blue, with a cutie-mark of a piece of parchment.

“Hey!” I shouted back, defensively.

The shopkeep laughed it off “Well, thank you anyway!”.

60 minutes. Spike and me started heading towards one of my best friend’s bakery.

“How are we doing, Spike?” I asked, the checklist scraping the grass like a pair of legs.

“Let’s see,” Spike began looking at the list, “We’ve already dropped off your cape at the cleaner’s,” 57 minutes “Returned the blackboard you borrowed from Cheerilee,” “Ordered new quills from the stationery shop”.

“Hmm. It seems like we just placed an order for those a few days ago.”

Spike, sarcastically replied “Can’t imagine why we go through so many of them.” while looking behind himself. Dammit, maybe I should try conserving more paper?

“Sounds like we’re ahead of schedule” I said, somewhat joyously, “What’s next?” Whatever it is, it’s gonna be great, I looked very enthused as my assistant began responding. “Cupcakes!” He exclaimed. So, over to Sugarcube Corner we go. Sugar Cube Corner was quite nearby, so we went in.

The place was brimming with all sorts of sweets, from cupcakes of all sorts of flavours and shapes, to a sort of croissant with icing Not sure if that’d taste good. I looked towards the owner, Ms.Cake, a light blueish pony with hair like frosting. “Could I please have a dozen cupcakes?” 40 minutes, please say that this will take less than that!

“Yes, please wait twenty minutes, Twilight.” Ms.Cake responded. Okay. I got twenty minutes to get to my cape, Thank Celestia. I waited around, fiddling with my magic and generally just being boredtill Ms.Cake came back with thirteen cupcakes.

Thirteen?! And the icing distribution’s off? Why?! I don’t want anypoy arguing at the picnic cause of this! I have to correct this! Spike looked hungrily at the cupcakes.

“Uh.. I only ordered twelve”, Ms.Cake came through the doors

“Oh, I know dear, but I had an extra, so I thought I’d make it a baker’s dozen.” Is that worth a fight? Yes. Spike moaned a little, and I grabbed him with my magic, to prevent him from swallowing the cupcakes whole.

“Well, that was very thoughtful of you” “It’s just that some of the icing from the extra cupcake is” I reached my hoof to show “is getting all over the one next to it” I pushed the stand to show “See?”.

Ms.Cake said somewhat confusedly “Oh..sure”

I elaborated, “It’s just that I’m planning on sharing these at a picnic later, and I don’t want anypony to feel like somepony else is getting more icing” I smiled, trying to brand this, due to my previous knowledge that she is a tad confused by what I’m saying.

“Oh.., no” Cake said, hesitantly “O-of course not” in an awkward tone. I used my magic to grab the spoon like thing (tell the author what it’s called soon please) and start swathing around the distributions to get it juuuust right.

“Not to worry I’ll just move some of this one to” “Hmm, I think I may have scooped too much” I mis-distributed some of the icing “oops, now these two have more, Let’s just try this again” I spoke to myself. “Hmm, no, that won’t do” “Could we just-hmm, put some here, then-- no, that’s not right, Okay, we’re on this one, uh wait, I’ll just-- ooh, a little bit here” speaking only to myself, “Here” I said with a strange tone in my voice. “And...Perfect!” barely any of the icing was left, but it’s now as equal as it can get, right?

“Hmm..oh yes, much better.” Ms.Cake said almost sheepishly. Thank Celestia she agrees with me, lest this act be called insane.

“Okay, time to tackle the next item on our-- oops.” Spike was covered in icing. I tried to restrain my laughter as I spoke “looks like we’re gonna have to add ‘give a baby dragon a bath’ to our list”. As I said that, Spike’s incredibly long tongue began vrring like a vacuum cleaner as he cleaned himself in a whirlwind. “Very efficient” I complimented, “and a little bit gross” I mean, really gross Spike shrugged.

A few hours later, I was done with my day’s tasks and headed to my room.

“Looks like that’s everything” Spike said while I was climbing the oaken’d stairs.

“Almost everything” One last check “Triple-check checklist to make sure we didn’t miss anything when we double check the checklist” Spike read, becoming more confused at the displayal of my paranoia in word.

“Uh… check.” He said, wearily. Spike’s hand cramped up in the most disgusting of ways. His wrist morphed from a purple to a red of agony. Damn, that’s gotta hurt, “I’ve been holding that quill so long I’ve got a claw cramp”

Author's Note

Yes, this was a rather short amount of episode runtime to pull in for the story (Is this ok, mods?)

Chapter 2

I saw.

“Good thing that we don’t have anything to report to Celestia this week”

Oh shit, I forgot! I dropped the cupcake I was holding as Spike spoke.

“I don’t think I could write another word” If you can’t, and mine’s utter scratch… Oh no. OH CELESTIA!

“We haven’t set a letter to Princess Celestia this week?” I said with a quaver.

“Why? Is that bad” Spike asked, dumbly.

Of Course it is! “Bad? Bad? Of course it’s bad! I’m supposed to send princess Celestia a letter every week, telling her about about a lesson I’ve learned about friendship! Not every other week, not every ten days. Every, single, week!” Spike made a confused grunt. Calendar! Calendar! “Where’s my Calendar?”.

“Where it always is” Spike responded sassily.

Really? “When did we send the last one?!” For the love of Celestia, don’t be the amount of time I think it is…

“Last Tuesday…” Spike answered “And Today is…” Not Tuesday! Not Tuesday! “Tuesday” Spike observed, tiredly. TUESDAY?! I gave a sound like one of revolt due to fear when he said that. I’m a goner, I’m a goner, I’m a goner, I’m a goner, I’m a goner I pounded the word ‘no’ as I ran around my treehouse, looking for the sun to gauge the time. Like a clock chiming, the sun jittered She's watching me! tick! tock! tick! tock!as the next hour began.

“If I don’t send her a letter by sundown, I’ll be” No, I can’t! “Tardy!” I said with incredible panic.

“What’s that now?” How could you not know?!

“TAR-dy, Spike, I’ll be late! Late!”

I fell over onto my bed, almost like Rarity does when she panics. The ceiling was okaen, just like the rest of my house. “Oh, how could I have let this happen?” “I’m usually so organized” “I’ve never been late with an assignment” This is gonna be my last if don’t get it done!

“Oh, Please!” Spike said, unassuringly. "You're one of the most studious students known to ponykind" he complimented, "Celestia would probably forgive you if you were late." He finished. It dosen't work like that! Look at Sunset! Of course, he wouldn't know who she was.. "Would she?" I asked, before Spike could answer, I continued "There's a slim chance she will, given her past record with students... and her sister, so how would I be any different? I'd probably be sent right into the sun!".

She'd send me right into the core! I'll burn up, first my skin, like jell-o, it'd goo up for a few moments, then my muscles would break apart, detach, bleed and finally, melt into the core. Then, my bones would start dissolving into little grains of calcium, falling apart as the joints would be ruptured. Then, my blood would boil, then vaporize, and through all of this, Celestia would not allow me to die. She'd let me live this pain, a pain unimaginable to anypony but her, and twistedly she'd let out all her anger... on me.

"No you would not Twilight, she loves you!" Spike assured me.

"But, what about Sunset Shimmer? She was Celestia's protege before me!" I argued

"Whats a 'protege?' and why are you implying she was sent to the sun?" Spike questioned.

"Well, a protege is a successor to someone, and she was sent to a world of humans after going off the line of her studies a little" I answered.

"Uh... I don't wanna know what happened in that world, do I?" Spike asked, knowingly.

"Probably, but to summarize it, they like to war eachother so much, they used science to murder eachother." I responded, trying to keep it 'PG'.

"And... I'll just go over here and try not to think about what that could mean" Spike said as he ran to his bed and tucked in himself. I, could finally work on my plan to save myself!