Are Deer Even Real?

by WhatDidIJustRead

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Mystery, Deer, Comedy
Length: 4643

I know what you're thinking, but hear me out. Have you actually seen a real deer?

Seriously, I racked my brain for hours, and I can't remember ever actually seeing a deer. You hear stories about them, sure, and they're all over the place, right? Then why hasn't anypony actually seen one with their own eyes? What's up with that?

Published 2020-01-18 20:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-18 20:50:01 UTC

Wanna hear a crazy story?

So, I was talking to a friend of mine at work a couple weeks ago—you probably don't know him—and outta nowhere, he just said "You ever seen a deer?"

And like, I just laughed at first, right? Duh. Everyone's seen a deer. Then he asked me where I saw it, like totally deadpan, and it actually took me a second. But then I was like "That one supermodel, what's her name, uh... Cinnamon Bun? Cinnamon Roll? Cinna-something. Anyway, she dressed up as a deer for the front page of some magazine. I remember seeing it in checkout lines."

So he said "Yeah, a pony dressed up as a deer. I mean a real one."

And I thought, yeah, of course I've seen a real deer. But it took me even longer to think of something, and of course, this whole time, I can just feel his smugness. I swear, I was about to choke on it. Anyway, I remembered a better example, so I said "Yeah," I said, "when I lived in Hoofington, my neighbor warned us about deer in the area eating flowers, and we had to fence off our garden."

And he just, like, full on smirked, like he was just waiting for me to say something like that. Then he was like "So you never actually saw a deer."

At this point, I was getting kinda annoyed, because he's not really the type to joke like this, so I was starting to think he was serious, so I just said "Yeah, I did. They ate some of our flowers."

But Dest can be pretty insistent—that's his name by the way. Well, it's Destiny Picker, but we just call him Dest. But yeah, he can be really tenacious about this kind of thing. Anyway, he actually asked "Did you actually see one? With your own eyes?"

And I just sighed and said "No," because I'm not gonna lie to him, y'know? Well, not over some petty thing like this.

Anyway, so then, he actually gets to his point, right? He says "I've been thinking about it for some time now. Months, even. Everypony I ask says the same thing. Deer are real, deer are real, yeah, of course they are, but have you actually seen one? And they always say 'No.' Every time. And you know what? I don't think they are. If you can prove me wrong, please! This has been driving me crazy."

I mean, I'm not gonna say he was losing sleep over it or anything, but he seemed like he really believed it. Well, if that's the case, he came to the right pony, I thought, right? They don't call me Support Beam for nothing. I help out my fellow ponies, and smile while doing it. And yeah, I was smiling at that point, because he honestly looked like he needed it.

I said "Look, just because you ran into a string of bad luck with who you're asking doesn't mean deer aren't real. You really want me to help you find somepony who's seen a deer? We both got tomorrow off. Let's go ask around, yeah?"

And let me tell you, he looked like I'd just taken a saddlebag full of concrete off his back with how relieved he was. So I gave him a big ol' pat on the withers and said "Come on, let's get back to work." And he seemed fine after that.

Next morning, we met at Mallhattan—that's the mall in Manehattan, in case you don't know. Well, there's like six malls, but only one is actually called Mallhattan. They got this coffee shop that sells coffee in these tiny cups, and it's super expensive, but it's the strongest coffee you ever had. Dunno why they do it, but Dest loves it. I guess it's like drinking coffee and skipping most of the actual drinking part, and maybe he just wants the caffeine but he's not thirsty? They also use, like, upturned buckets and hay bales instead of chairs. I guess that's trendy or whatever.

Anyway, yeah, met Dest there, and we had our tiny coffees, which only took me about ten seconds to finish, then we just went around asking ponies if they'd ever seen a deer. Okay, that might sound like we looked crazy, but I planned ahead. I brought a clipboard and a pencil, and, like, if anypony asked, I told them it was just a survey for a friend who studied them. Well, it wasn't entirely false.

The first mare I asked went through pretty much the same mental process I had: paused to think, mentioned a picture of a deer on a sweater, then when I said it had to be a real deer, told me how they'd leave hoofprints and eat from her garbage. But, just like me, she never really caught them in the act.

And the stallion after her was no different. He said he saw them in Canteral Park, but I know the ones he means. They're like, these wood cutouts they put in the park to make it seem more naturey than it really is. So those didn't count. He said he went on a tour through some nature preserve and saw some there, and I asked him where it was, but he couldn't remember, because he was like four, and his parents took him. I tried to ask if he was sure, absolutely sure he had seen deer there, and he kind of just mumbled something about needing to get back home and took off.

The rest of the day was like that. Dest was just getting more and more agitated, giving me these I-told-you-so looks and looking like he didn't really want to be there. I gotta admit, I was starting to wonder if he was on to something.

Then, we hit the proverbial jackpot. Older stallion with some kind of leaf cutie mark actually remembered seeing a deer a couple years ago. I really shouldn't have been as excited as I was, and Dest was looking like he had just been handed a million bits by a total stranger. So, of course we asked him where—just for the survey, of course, just for research purposes. He said it was before he moved to Manehattan, by the water tower in Flockton. He was sitting down and eating his lunch, and a whitetail just stepped outta the woods all dainty-like, walked under the tower and sniffed around, then walked right back into the trees and disappeared.

After we thanked him, I told Dest, I said "There, you see? Maybe they're just really timid, y'know? So ponies don't see them much. Maybe they have, like, super good hearing and smell." But he still wasn't satisfied. He looked like he wanted to chase after the stallion and ask him for more.

And he asked me if I believed that story. Like, seriously? You just found what you were looking for, right? Why are you questioning it now? Well, I didn't say that. I just said that I don't think he had any reason to lie. And for a second, there, it looked like he had reconsidered.

Nope.

"I'm going to Flockton." His words exactly.

"Dest," I said, "listen. There's a lotta things worth taking a personal vacation from work for, but this ain't one of them."

But, no, he wasn't having any of it. He just said "I'm going. I have to know for sure."

I mean, I'm not his mother, so I wasn't gonna force the issue. And honestly, part of me was just kinda mad I was gonna have to pick up his slack at work for a few extra days. But, if this was the big life-changing thing he seemed to think it was, then maybe he'd come back happier, y'know? Or with some deeper understanding and acceptance. I dunno.

All I know is that he wasn't kidding. The next day, he didn't show up at work. Stuck a note under the boss's door the night before, saying he'd be taking a week off for an emergency. Well, dumb as it sounds to call that an emergency, I wasn't about to snitch on him, because he was still a good friend and all. And it's not like he made a habit of making mountains out of mole hills, so I let him have this one.

Boss wasn't happy, but what're you gonna do? He had two weeks to come back to work, so he had a week for a safety net.

Let me tell you, that week after he left was frustrating. There are plenty of two-pony jobs that I don't trust the new stallions with, and the experienced ones, I don't get along with. So, it was a whole lotta balancing how much equipment I'd need to repair or replace versus how much I could take listening to ponies talk about how much they hate the new princess. Honestly, me and Dest are the only ponies there who actually don't have some strong opinion about Princess Twilight. I'm just sick of hearing about her, myself.

Anyway, the second week was worse, because he never showed up. I wasn't actually all that worried until the day before his time was up. Then the next day, when he still didn't show up, I went straight to the sign-in sheet. Nope, no name there. Boss was there too, so I asked him, but he just shrugged and said "Dest was a good employee, but if he's not here before the shift starts, I gotta terminate him."

Needless to say, he never did show.

I just spent the day doing small piddly stuff that nopony even needed done. Checklists and inspections and stuff. I even filled a few hours tearing down this huge industrial lawnmower we have. You ever see an industrial lawnmower? Probably not, I guess. I swear, the thing could clear a path through the Everfree. But we're only ever building in downtown Manehattan. The only time it ever gets used is to train new employees, because they gotta train with all of the equipment, and it always makes this really irritating rattling sound. So, yeah, I disassembled the thing and tightened all the bolts and screws I could find, and put it back together. And, of course, the damn thing still rattled.

So anyway, I went home and thought real long and hard about Dest, and wondered if he'd gotten lost, or had too many delays, or found a nice mare to settle down with, or looked too deeply into something he shouldn't have and was killed and rolled into a ditch by some elite shadow agents.

I was pretty sure that I was the only pony he had told about his little vacation, so, like, what else was I gonna do? I had to go and find him.

Well, come to find out Flockton is like a day away by train. And the train doesn't even get you all the way there. You gotta stop in Vanhoover and walk for like 2 hours. Which is fine, but if the path goes through the woods, then what if he got snatched up by timberwolves or something? He never even sent a letter, and even a small town like that should have some kinda postal service, right?

Anyway, the next day, I went in to work and told the boss that I was gonna go look for Dest, and I'd need a week off at most. I left out the part about the deer, and just told him that I knew where he went and was expecting him back last week. Yeah, he was not a happy camper, but he said if I get him back in a week, he'd hire him back on, and "Make sure it doesn't happen again," and other mild threats.

I went ahead and took the first train to Vanhoover. Even got bumped up to first class because it was a slow time of day for them, I guess. I guess you've never been on a train, let alone first class, huh? Yeah, you get your own little room with a little two-pony dining table and chairs bolted to the floor. It was real fancy.

The only really bad thing was the food. What's the deal with railway food, anyway? Ah well, at least the peanuts were good.

The door was kinda finicky, though, too. It had a normal hoof latch, but they probably just didn't maintain it very well, because getting the thing open took some real finesse, and I didn't wanna break it. Probably mostly unicorns that ride first class, and they don't need to use the hoof latch like us, so it never got reported. Come to think of it, I should've reported it, but I don't like complaining about small stuff. Ah, well.

Other than that, the ride over was fine. They had a little library you could borrow books from and leave them in your room without being charged. Naturally, I grabbed a couple that looked like they'd have some stuff about deer. Animals of the Great Northwest and a forest survival guide. The survival guide didn't have anything, but the other one did. Most of the animals even had photos, but deer? Just drawings. And all of it was stuff I already knew about deer. Hoofprint shape, eating habits, their droppings, all that kind of stuff. Nothing super helpful, but a good refresher, I guess.

The bed was really comfy, too. Must have been some of that magical memory foam stuff or whatever.

So, yeah, got to Vanhoover early in the morning, and there was a mare at the station agonizing over what to get from a vending machine. Like, full on talking to it and asking herself out loud what she wanted. And she was there for at least the ten minutes I was there. I guess that's not important, but I just found it funny. Anyway, I picked up some hiking snacks, and headed out.

The road was flat and pretty well maintained, so it wasn't a bad walk at all. Lotta trees out there. I wonder how many they had to cut down to make the road. I guess they'd pick the path of least resistance and avoid trees if they could, but it's still inevitable, isn't it? Making roads through a forest must be a real pain either way.

So, I got to Flockton in one piece, and it was actually a little bigger than I expected. The water tower was the first thing I saw of it, actually. It was even taller than the trees. Just a massive wooden bucket sitting on a sturdy-looking frame with a pipe running down the middle of it. Well, if I couldn't find Dest in town, then I knew where to look next.

Luckily, the first local I came across actually had heard about Dest. She didn't know his name, but when I asked her, she got that look in her eyes, y'know? Like, recognition. And she said "Ohh, was he that stallion they found on the edge of town in a puddle of his own vomit?"

So, holy crap, right? I was like "What? Is he okay? Where is he?"

She said "Yeah, he's fine, far as I know. Last I heard, he was at Doctor Pharmer's. That's Pharmer with a P-H."

And I think that's a nice name for a doctor. Mine in Manehattan is Doctor Swill. What does that even mean? That he leaves a bad taste in your mouth? I mean, he's a nice pony, but still.

Anyway, I thanked her for the information and found the little medical hut that was apparently Doctor Pharmer's office. I tell you, walking into that place was like walking into everyone's favorite nightmare. All these weird metal tools were hanging up on the walls. Lot of them were sharp, but the not sharp ones almost seemed worse. Like scoops and scrapers and clamps and whatever the opposite of clamps are? The things that hold stuff open? And a hammer. What does he need a hammer for? And hanging on the wall like that? Like, I get it, his office is small and he needs to be efficient with his space, but come on. I feel sorry for any foals who grow up here and have to see him when they get sick. Doctor Pharmer himself was a nice stallion, though.

He told me that they'd found Dest unconscious in the woods by the water tower. They brought him in, and when he woke up, he was just getting sicker and sicker, and he was delirious and not making any sense. The doctor gave him some stomach medicine and found some weird cuts and bruises on him that he couldn't explain, but they didn't seem serious. Then, after keeping an eye on him for most of the day, he set him up with a room at the inn. I guess they let him borrow rooms if patients need them, 'cause they're sure not getting much business out here.

So, I went to the inn, and in the five minutes it took to get there, I had the first time in my life that I'd actually say my mind was racing. I was worried about him, sure, but everything else was just bizarre, and didn't feel like a coincidence. Like the fact that he was found where the deer was spotted? I mean, it makes sense that he'd go there, but why would he just get sick all of a sudden? And why did he have these mysterious cuts and bruises?

I probably imagined a hundred scenarios before I got to the inn. Like, maybe somepony or somedeer shot him with some kinda blow dart thing and stuck a magic tracker under his skin so they could keep tabs on him? Or what if a deer beat him up and fed him poison to keep their secret? Or what if he walked across a magic trap that made him violently ill and crazy? What kinda crazy stuff were they hiding there, y'know? I was more than ready to just find him and get the heck out.

Well, when I got to the inn, I just went straight to the front desk and said "Hey," I told them, "I'm here to see Dest? Sick stallion in room three?"

The stallion behind the desk was really professional, and I was probably all sweaty and panting and asking too eagerly, so he just said "Do you have business with him? He's sleeping."

Fair enough, I thought, and told him I'm a friend, and I was just worried about him and stuff, and he relaxed after that and offered me a glass of water. Got to talking with him, and I guess Dest had actually been in the room for almost two weeks. Sleeping for about half of it, and only coherent for less than the other half, but still sick as a dog. Apparently he wrote me and the boss a letter as soon as he was actually conscious, but the mail here only leaves once every few days, and then it'd still have all of Equestria to cross, so somewhere out in the postal aether or whatever, there are a couple letters that won't matter a whole lot when they get delivered.

Funnily enough, Dest had been ranting about deer not being real, and this inn employee couldn't stop smirking while he told me about it. I laughed along, of course, 'cause the last thing I needed was to be seen as crazy. Or worse, as a threat to their secret. I didn't wanna ask too directly so I snuck the question in like "Yeah, we're both from Manehattan, so we don't see deer. I bet you see them here all the time."

And he said "Yeah. Well, not all the time, but there is one that hangs out by the water tower a lot. Saw him a few times. Or her? Can't tell with them, myself."

I was kinda glad I was already sweating and tired, because I suddenly just got all excited and nervous. And it meant several things. The deer was no secret here, sharing it freely with an outsider, y'know? So if there was some Equestria-wide suppression of deer, it hadn't come here yet. It also seemed like they probably do exist. So, hopefully Dest would be able to relax again. Also, there was a very real chance for us to see it ourselves. Anyway, I nodded, because I didn't trust using my voice without choking or something.

I went ahead and let him talk about whatever, and kinda half-listened. Eventually, a little bell rang behind him, and that apparently meant Dest was finally awake, so he grabbed a little tray and brought me to the room.

And wow, was I not ready. The smell was just, like, this brick wall of... bleugh, and I actually thought I was gonna lose my lunch. And poor Dest. He was laying in bed, groaning and looking like death. I swear, he must have lost like half his body weight, and his fur and mane were all matted and gross. Even had his eyes sunken in some, which I'd only ever read in books, y'know? They use words like gaunt. Yeah. Gaunt. That was Dest.

When he saw me, he gave the saddest, most pathetic little smile I'd ever seen from anypony, and it was kinda sweet, I guess, but I was having a hard time getting past the smell in the room. I mean, I guess that happens when you spend a couple weeks stewing in your own... misery. And don't get me wrong. I was glad to see him, but eugh.

Anyway, so the bellhop, or whatever he was, gave Dest some medicine and water, then left us alone.

You know what the first thing he said to me was? It wasn't "Hi, Steel, nice to see you," or "I saw a deer!" or anything like that.

No, the first thing he said was "How about that train food?"

I just laughed and tried not to choke on the air, and I said "Terrible, but not as terrible as you look right now. What the heck happened to you?"

And Dest got all shifty-eyed, leaning over to make sure the room was empty, and he said "Look. I was on the trail of the—well, you know. Of them."

And I was like "The deer?"

And he got all wide-eyed, which looked kinda creepy with his eyes all sunken in and stuff, and he waved his hooves around and shook his head like he wanted me to shut up. Then he got super quiet and said "Steel, we can't let them know why we're here! What if they're part of the cover-up? Like, paid agents or whatever?"

And I said "Oh, yeah," and I got all quiet too and said "I think they might have poisoned you when you went to the water tower!"

And Dest just got all confused and shook his head and said "Nopony poisoned me. Well, not on purpose. This was just really bad food poisoning."

And I was like "Food poisoning?! That's what happened to you? How did you get food poisoning?"

So, then he said "Train seaweed. They had some fancy uncooked seaweed that's apparently good for gut health or whatever."

And I just put my hoof on my face and said "You ate uncooked train seaweed? Do you know how long that stuff sits out before they serve it to you?"

And he was like "I didn't eat all of it! I saved some for later."

So then I'm seeing exactly where this is going, and I said "And you put it in your bag, where it just spoiled all day until you ate more, didn't you?"

He got kinda defensive and crossed his forelegs and said "I needed snacks for when I'd be looking for... you know."

And I just said "Yeah, deer." And he tried to shush me, but I ignored it and told him to tell me what happened.

So, he told me. And the words that came outta his mouth were some of the dumbest things I've ever heard. So get this: He came here with his rancid uncooked seaweed, went into the woods near the water tower, and climbed a tree because he was trying to be sneaky. He sat in the tree for maybe an hour or so, then got hungry and ate the seaweed that had been unrefrigerated for most of the day, and who knows how much longer before he got it on the train. Then, when he got sick, which of course he did, he tried to ride it out until he was just about fainting. Then the idiot tried to climb down. He doesn't remember what happened after that, but I think it's obvious enough to both of us. He fell, got cut up and bruised, and he's lucky he didn't break anything or die, and he blacked out from like, shock or something. He's lucky somepony found him, but he was probably not being nearly as sneaky as he thought.

So, yeah, all my worry about some evil secret society was wasted.

Anyway, after he finished telling me, I called him an idiot and a buffoon and I don't know what else, and left him to be miserable all by himself, 'cause honestly he deserves it. Oh yeah, and when I was leaving, his last words were "Don't tell anypony!" Stubborn jackass. I mean, I won't, but only because I'm nice, and not because I'm buying into his dumb conspiracy that the ponies here are dangerous or anything. Well, I guess I'm telling you, but you're kind of an exception.

So, yeah, I left, and with nothing else pressing to take care of, I decided to check out the water tower myself. Unlike Dest, though, I came prepared. I stopped at a little store and bought a bouquet of flowers and some apples. As for the water tower itself, there was nothing special about it. Just a tower on the edge of town built in a flat little clearing with trees not too far off. I actually had to make a conscious effort to avoid wondering which tree Dest fell out of.

Anyway, I checked the area for hoofprints, and lo and behold, there were deer tracks. I followed them as best I could a short ways into the woods, and found some droppings. Probably yours, actually. Followed the tracks a bit further, and found this nice little clearing, and put the flowers and apples out, and waited.

I mean, you know the rest. You showed up and started eating them, and I started telling you this story.

I don't know what I expected, honestly. I thought you guys would be somewhat intelligent like the rest of us hoofed creatures, but you seem dumb as a sack of bricks. No offense. Not that it matters, since you don't understand a word I'm saying, do you? No. No, you don't.

Well, you're kinda cute, I guess, but this has probably been the biggest waste of time and money of my life.

At least it makes a funny story to tell later, I guess.

Eh... I should really get back, though. Mad as I am at Dest, he probably needs some company. Ideally, he'll be on the tail-end of his sickness now, and we can get back to Manehattan before I lose my job too.

So, yeah, you take care. Hope you liked those flowers, because that bouquet cost me ten bits. I swear, when I get back, I am gonna make him pay me back for those...