The House Special

by SPark

Rating: mature
Tags: Changelings, Porn, Sex, Human, Anon, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Fetish
Length: 5143

Or, LadyAnon visits AU Ember's (the brothel, not the dragon) and also there's vamponies, because the author has some kinks, okay?

You've always been a little bit kinky, deep down, and since ending up stranded as the lone human in Equestria you've certainly had to broaden your sexual horizons. But now you've been directed to Ember's, the changeling brothel, where nearly anything can happen, including Ember taking a handsome human form for you. And given that you've been obsessed with vampires since you were a teenage girl, the fact that Ember's two partners are both vamponies is something of a plus.

Contains a human/human/pony/pony MM/FF foursome, oral, doggie style, consensual-non-consent play, slapping, rough sex, vampire bites, and cuddles after.

(For anybody who has read my other stories about Ember, or about Fleeting Flame/Aidan, and is confused, the long explanation is probably too long, the tl:dr is that this is an AU. Or maybe the others are AUs, I started this version first, but I only ever wrote incomplete dribs and drabs, until I had the wildly self-indulgent idea of having a LadyAnon based on my Gen1-obsessed childhood self meet Aidan, (my present self but ponified) and have a foursome with a changeling who can look like Tom Hiddleston and two vamponies. I have kinks, okay?)

Published 2020-01-15 22:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-15 22:10:02 UTC

The House Special

You stride briskly through the streets of Canterlot with a mingled feeling of nervousness and eager anticipation making your pulse pound faster than the walk itself would. You’re in better shape than you used to be; there was a time when the mile-and-change walk up and down the steep streets would have had your heart hammering, but now it’s definitely mostly the excitement.

Unexpected fitness is just one of the many consequences of living here in this magical land of talking ponies. You don’t have a car, and you’re too big to be comfortable in the pony taxis, even if you could afford to go everywhere that way, but most ponies get around on their own four hooves, and so you “hoof it” as well.

Alas, something that hasn’t changed in the magical land of talking ponies is your love life. To be honest, your prospects here are probably at least as bad they were back home. There you were just a shy, chubby girl. Here you’re a weird monkey-alien, and while it turns out that in a world with at least a dozen sentient species, cross-species sex is very much a thing, it’s still not common; most people tend to stick within their own type, especially when it comes to committed relationships.

You’re the only one of your type here, though. A lone human in a world of pastel equines.

Fortunately said world of pastel equines is much more worldly than the show you watched as a little girl would suggest, so it’s been easy enough to at least find some interesting toys. And then there’s the appointment you’re headed towards…

You arrive at the door with its magical red lantern and open it, ducking inside. You’ve gotten very practiced at ducking, nothing at all in Equestria is built for somebody as tall as you, outside Celestia’s palace. It almost makes you miss the early days, when you lived there as a guest of the royal sisters. Celestia is about your height, so no ducking there!

But you like having a job and being self-sufficient. The job itself is interesting, too, and it’s sort of the reason why you’re here now.

Your former computer-related job skills aren’t exactly useful in Equestria, ponies haven’t even invented the computer yet. But you did turn out to have something very much in demand, because you have hands in a place where nearly everyone has hooves. Gryphon knuckle massage is famed all over Equestria as the best one can get, but you can do even better, because you haven’t got claws getting in the way. The spa where you work is famous for you, for your amazing, delicate-yet-strong hand-massage. You’re very well paid, and there’s a three-month waiting list for your services. You also definitely don’t mind petting soft ponies all day as a job. Okay, it’s not quite “petting”, but it’s close enough. Six-year-old you is living her childhood dream, and adult you learned something very interesting on your first day of work. Your boss mentioned that if anybody came in looking for happy endings, you were to politely tell them that it’s not that kind of spa, and send them to a specific address instead.

It took you about three months to feel financially secure enough to be sure you could afford that sort of luxury, but you visited that address yourself as soon as practical, and found that while most ponies might stick with their own species, there were at least a few of the very, very flexible mares and stallions at The Sweetbox who didn’t mind a big, lanky, monkey-alien.

That got you interested in the surprising underbelly of Canterlot. It’s a lot less skeevy than the same sort of thing back home; the whole of Equestria is nearly a utopia and their brothels are no exception. Your tentative inquiries about drugs, coercion, and sex trafficking got nothing but shock at the very concept. It doesn’t work that way here, and you’re very glad of that. Ponies seem to be fairly free-love, and to be honest you probably could find a partner of your own at this point, especially if you just wanted casual sex. You’re more confident than you used to be, and interspecies sex is a thing. But you like of like the ease of just paying for it. Also, it means that you can indulge your kinks, picking the things you like like picking favorite foods off of a menu.

Asking about a few of the wilder ones got you here, at Ember’s, because it turns out that if you really want to get your freak on, Ember and her partners are the ones for you.

The place looks unremarkable at first, just a small, tastefully decorated lobby like most brothels here have, with a bunch of nice chairs and couches, and a single pony behind a desk. You’ve been this far already while making the appointment for tonight, and the cream-colored mare with her curly, flame-orange mane and tail and bright emerald eyes gives you a smile and a nod. “Anon. Right on time! We’re all ready for you if you want to come straight back.”

The mare sets one of those little “back at” signs, with the time set to two hours from now, on her desk, then opens the door that sits beside it. You follow her through to find a luxuriously decorated parlor. Sitting on a chaise longue in the middle of the room is a changeling queen. She looks to be the same size as Celestia, which means she’d be about as tall as you, standing. She’s both scary and elegant, with long fangs that send the best kind of shivers down your spine just looking at them.

Curled up on a cushion on the floor beside her is a pegasus stallion, who seems comically small next to her. He’s thin and lanky and looks short even for a pegasus. Indeed, when the fairly average earth pony mare from the desk settles next to him, you can see she’s probably just a bit taller, not to mention sturdier, too. He’s piebald, patched in black and white, with a black mane and tail.

They’re an oddly-assorted trio, but you’re hardly one to talk. You settle on the couch that’s set across from them and there’s a moment while they look you over and you look them over.

“Welcome,” says the changeling. “I am Ember. These are Flame Song,” she gestures to the mare, “and Aidan,” there her hoof brushes the mane of the stallion, “my partners.”

You find yourself blinking at Aidan. That’s a human name. He tilts his head and gives you a wink. “Been a while since I saw a human,” he says.

You gape at him. “You’ve seen a human? When? Where?”

“I was a human, long, long time back. I hardly remember it, I was just a kid when I left Earth and ended up changed into something else. Dunno if you’re from the same Earth as I am, of course. There are a lot of them. And a lot of other places, too. I’ve been a bit of a wanderer, though I’ve settled here pretty firmly for now.”

“Holy shit. But if you travel worlds…” You halt. You were about to ask if he could send you home, but do you want to go? Your job was only tolerable, your family was considerably less than tolerable, you didn’t have any friends… All of that is better here. Sure you miss doorways you don’t hit your head on and actual hamburgers rather than hayburgers, but would you trade your pony-petting, your friends, and everything else for that? “Never mind. I take it that means you won’t find a bald monkey like me too ugly, though?”

He chuckles and gives you a smile. It’s a little bit sharp and pointy for a pony, which confirms the other rumor you’d heard about this place and the ponies in it. “Not at all. You’re plenty easy on the eyes. Sight for sore eyes, even. Makes me wish I still had hands, so I could get them all over you.”

Oh my. You feel your cheeks turn scarlet, and Ember and Flame Song both chuckle.

“I never was human myself,” said Flame Song, “But I don’t mind them at all, and Ember is very flexible. But before we go on about what we’d like to do to and with each other, we should set out the terms of this deal. I know the House Special costs a lot of money, but it’s very cheap for what you’re getting.”

“I know! I was surprised,” you say. It’s more than double your exclusive massage sessions cost, but it’s for three people and twice as long, so the price was a shock. A pleasant one, but still.

“That’s because you will be paying an additional fee in something other than money,” says Ember. “You know what I am, so you can no doubt guess at my payment.”

“You want to, er, feed on my feelings,” you say.

She nods. “You don’t taste of fear or disgust, so I assume you don’t find that disturbing.”

“No. I’ve found out what I could about changelings, and everything I read or heard suggested that it doesn’t hurt to get your emotions fed on.”

“It does not. I merely soak up your energy like a sponge. I take only what you are giving off naturally, so in truth I am taking nothing from you that you could possibly miss. My partners, however…”

“We’re a little different,” says Aidan. “And if you agree to our fee, it will hurt at least a little. Some people are into that, thankfully, or we’d go out of business.”

“It’s true, then? You’re really both vampires?”

“We are,” says Flame Song, smiling so that you can see the small fangs she has. Hers and Aidan’s are both tiny compared to Ember’s, but they’re definitely there. You find yourself licking your lips. “We’ll do our best to make it not hurt much, if you agree, but if that’s too much to ask, we’ll be happy to refund the fee and cancel, or refund our portion and let you and Ember finish out your time.”

“No, that’s fine,” you say.

Ember chuckles. “More than fine, I suspect,” she says, and you blush more, but nod. She can taste emotions, so she probably can taste that you are turned on as hell just thinking about it. As a kid you were horse-obsessed, but as a teenager you were vampire-obsessed, and that never entirely went away. You devoured bad vampire novels by the dozen back in high school, and all of them tended to make biting sound pretty damn sexy. You’d asked around for somebody who might be into vampire role-play so you could indulge the kink, and finding that there were real vampires—vamponies, whatever—in this world has been the best possible surprise.

“Yeah, I have a thing for vampires,” you say.

“Many of our customers do,” says Aidan. “And I’m glad. It’s always more fun when people are into it.”

“Now, there are other matters we should sort out,” says Ember. “The three of us can offer many scenarios, from simple vanilla sex, to us acting as your slaves, taking your every order to please you, to reversing that and using you roughly. Or many other things besides. Do you have any particular fantasies you’d like fulfilled?”

And here you thought you’d been blushing already, after admitting to your vampire fetish. “Ah, that last one. With the using me. I like that.”

“Physical roughness, and all three of us taking our pleasure at once?” Ember says the words almost matter-of-factly, but of course this is her job, isn’t it? You are sure you’re scarlet to your toes, but you nod.

“Yes.”

“And verbal roughness too? Humiliation?”

You shake your head at that. “No. I don’t want humiliation. Like, some dirty talk is okay? Calling me a slut or whatever.” There’s the blush again. “But I, well, I want to feel wanted. Maybe…too wanted? Like you all want me so much you’re going to have me whether I like that or not? And take all the…you know, feeding and blood and all that from me?”

Ember nods. “We can provide that. Are there any specific acts you want to be sure are included?”

You lick your lips. “Uhm. Just, er, as much as possible… I mean, I’m sure in real life it’s awkward the way it isn’t in fantasies, but all three of you at once in some way?”

“Awkward but fun,” says Aidan, grinning broadly now.

“And anything you do not want?” asks Ember.

You give a little shrug. “Other than not being insulted, not really. I mean, I guess I don’t want to be seriously injured. But I like it rough.”

“Does rough include hitting?” asks Ember.

You blink. You’d assumed it did, but now that you think about it, there are probably people who’d like to be pinned down but not spanked or slapped. “Yes, definitely,” you reply.

“And do you want to protest, or give any kind of ‘no’ signal that we should ignore and take you anyway, since we want you so badly?” Ember is grinning now too, and she licks her lips. You blush all over again.

“Ah. Yeah, I might struggle a little, and say ‘please don’t’ or something.”

“We need a safeword, then. You know the ‘red, yellow, green’ system?”

“Yeah. Green is ‘more’, yellow is ‘less’ red is ‘stop the whole party’, right?”

“Indeed.” Ember nods, still grinning. “We can use some other, but that’s what we three are used to and will definitely remember.”

“That’s fine.”

“Anything else, then? Any bad joints, or problems we should be aware of?”

“Nope. Although, uhm… There is one more thing I was hoping for?”

“Oh?” Ember tilts her head.

“You’re a shape-changer, right? Can you be human? I like ponies, don’t get me wrong. They’re way sexier than I would have thought. And changelings are fine too. You’re gorgeous! But I haven’t even seen a human man in a couple of years now. I didn’t get to bring any magazines along or anything, so not even pictures!”

Ember chuckles. “I can be a human for you, yes. Though I’m not familiar enough with your world to do anybody specific. But I have a fairly good image of what constitutes an attractive human male. You mentioned a male? I could do a female as well.”

“Male, yes. I mean, I’m bi. But I think male in this case.”

“Very well. One stallion, one mare, and one…” She concentrates, shifting to sit up on the couch more like how you’re sitting, and then green fire washes over her, and when it clears there’s a man there. He’s already totally nude, but then so was Ember, wasn’t she? He’s just about perfect, a good bit taller than you, firmly muscular, just a bit tanned, with long black hair that has greenish highlights that remind you of Ember’s mane. His eyes are green too, and his face reminds you a little bit of Tom Hiddleston, which is juuuuuuuuuuuuust fine. His voice is pleasantly deep as he says, “There. One human male. This is acceptable, I take it?” He grins at you, and the fangs are still there. Holy fuck.

“Y-yeah, that’s fine,” you manage.

He rises, and holds out his hand to you. Or her hand? It’s still Ember, and Ember’s female, but you can’t look at this guy and think “lady”, it just doesn’t quite work in your brain. Hopefully Ember won’t mind if your mind is categorizing her as male for the moment.

You grab Ember’s hand and he pulls you to your feet easily. Aidan and Flame Song rise as well, Aidan stretching his body like a cat and splaying his wings out. “Let’s move this party into the bedroom and we can get started,” he says.

Ember keeps your hand and draws you across the room to a door that’s so tall you almost don’t have to duck. He ducks a bit, of course, since he’s even taller than you. Inside is a spacious and downright sybaritic bedroom with a massive canopied bed taking up nearly half of it. Aidan and Flame come behind.

“Now, I think it’s time to get this irresistibly sexy lady undressed, she’s much too hot to let her stay covered up,” says Ember, grinning evilly.

You lick your lips, a shiver going through you, and remember your fantasy. “What if I don’t want to get undressed?”

Ember advances on you, eyes narrowing, expression suddenly downright scary. “I don’t think that matters. I want you, Anon, and I’m going to get what I want.”

You take another step back, heart already pounding. Ember advances again, and your next step you feel something against the back of your knees. Next thing you know you’ve been shoved in the shoulders, and you’re tumbling back over a firm, warm obstacle to lie on the soft carpet that covers the floor. Flame Song had crouched behind you, like a middle school bully, but in this case the consequence isn’t laughter, it’s two ponies and one human all helping to hold you down and tug your clothes off.

With your heart still thudding, you put up a fight, but they definitely have you outnumbered, and bit by bit your shirt, shoes, pants, bra, and panties are all pulled off and thrown aside. All three of them grope you at every opportunity during the process, hooves and fingers handling your breasts roughly, or pressing at your crotch demandingly. Ember and Aidan both keep up a steady stream of sort of threatening compliments too, about how hot your are, and how they want you. Flame is less vocal, but she’s the one who cuffs you across the face when your struggles get particularly fierce. Stunned by that, you lie helplessly still as the last scrap of clothing is torn from you.

“Still green?” murmurs Aidan in your ear.

“Very green,” you manage in reply.

“Oh good,” says Ember, and then he’s bent over you, kissing you hard, tongue pushing into your mouth. His cock is already hard, grinding against you as he pins you down. You can feel that you’re already wet, your slickness rubbing off on Ember’s cock as it teases against you. You let out a whimper, and lift your hips to it without thinking about it. Ember breaks off the kiss and says, “What a slut. You want it, don’t you?”

“N-no,” you stammer.

Ember sits back, still straddling your thighs, and laughs. “No? You’re wet enough for it.” His fingers are groping at you, then pushing inside, and you gasp at the sensation. “Don’t want my cock? What about some pony cock, then?” Aidan is suddenly straddling you too, sitting on your ribcage, and putting both hooves on your breasts. The feel of their frogs against you is pretty weird, but your attention is mostly on the way his cock is already out, rubbing up between them, the tip coming to rest just in front of your lips. You press them together and turn your head aside.

Then Flame Song’s strong hooves are grabbing your head, positioning it, and Aidan’s hoof pulls your chin down. You keep fighting, you’re not ready to give up the pretense of not wanting it, not yet. Ember is still fingering you, two fingers pushed up deep inside you, but moving slowly, almost idly. Aidan bends closer to you, his hooves on your breasts turning rough. “Anon, you are going to get fucked by all of us, one way or another. You should just give in.”

You try to shake your head stubbornly, though you don’t get far, with Flame’s hooves still bracketing it. Aidan, still bent close, bares his fangs in a snarl and hisses, “Stop fighting.”

In a very matter-of-fact tone Flame chimes in. “I suggest you obey and open up, Anon. You know what we are, If we don’t get what we want, we’ll pin you between us and drain you dry.”

“Yes,” says Aidan. “I know a slut like you might enjoy the experience, but then you’ll be dead, and can’t enjoy anything ever again.” You shudder at the threat, and try not to moan. You’re so turned on already, and Ember is still fingering you steadily. “If you open up now, we’ll only take a little,” says Aidan.

He pushes the head of his cock against your lips again, and you give in and open for it.

“Good girl,” he murmurs.

His cock is huge, even though he’s so small compared to you. Ponies have ridiculous body-to-penis ratios. You have no idea how some of the better-endowed stallions stay conscious while erect. Aidan’s more like average, but that still means that his cock stretches your jaws uncomfortably, and when he starts pushing in he doesn’t even get a third of it past your lips before the flat head is touching the back of your throat, making you gag.

Aidan pulls back, withdrawing completely, giving you space to say “red” if you want to, but you don’t. If you were going to say anything it would be “green” again, because you want more. You squirm, and at this point you would be pushing your hips into Ember’s fingers if he and Aidan weren’t pinning you down so thoroughly. Flame is still holding your head, too. All you can do is keep your mouth obediently open for the vampiric pegasus. He waits one heartbeat more, as if to be sure, then pushes back in, shoving his cock right back to that spot that makes you gag. You shudder and swallow around it, working your tongue along the underside. He lets out a soft groan. “You suck cock like an expert,” he says. “Very good girl. Very good slut. Oh yes.” He starts rocking his hips, pulling back enough to let you breathe, but always pushing back in again.

His hooves push your breasts together, the length of his cock fucking between them as he also fucks your mouth. He kneads them, pushing them against his length. “Been a long time since I touched tits this nice,” he says.

Flame, still holding you, chuckles. “Been a long time since you touched tits at all, but yes, hers are great. I want to suck one. You going to finish in her mouth first, or can we reposition her now?”

“I’m not that close,” says Aidan. “I want to finish in her cunt eventually. Get her up on the bed next, maybe?” God, the way they’re just talking over you, like you’re some toy, is as much of a turn-on as everything else. His cock pulls from your mouth and he climbs off of you. Ember pulls his fingers out too, and you want to whimper at the emptiness.

Flame Song gives an upward tug before letting go of your head. “Up you get, now,” she says.

You scramble to your feet and step towards the bed. Before you can climb in, though, Ember is behind you, wrapping his arms around you, hands gripping your hips. You go still, feeling his cock grind against your ass. He nips the back of your neck, and chuckles at the shiver that goes through you. His hands slide up, cup your breasts. “They are very nice tits,” he says in your ear. His hips are rocking against you, his cock now pushed between your legs, fucking your thighs. You tip your head back against his shoulder, panting. Then there’s the touch of a hoof on you, and Aidan is standing on the bed in front of you, one hoof on your shoulder to brace himself upright, and next thing you know you’re being kissed by a pony.

You’ve been kissed by one before, but it’s still always a little weird. There’s lots and lots of aggressive tongue pushing into your mouth this time, though, and you can’t help but moan.

Ember lets go of one breast, his arm going around your ribs, pinning you back to him. The other hand still kneads one, but the one he’s freed doesn’t go without attention long, for Flame Song is suddenly beside Aidan and is nuzzling and licking at your nipple. You moan into the kiss as she starts sucking there, then gasp. Ember has shifted behind you, and his hand has abandoned your other breast to position his cock, the head of which is now pushing at your pussy from behind. Is he finally going to?

“What a gorgeous slut,” he says in your ear. “You’re just aching for me, aren’t you?”

You whimper into the kiss, then moan again as he starts to fill you. He thrusts in slowly, cock pushing in inch by inch until it’s hilted. He’s not as huge as Aidan, but he’s plenty big enough. You arch back against him, absolutely on fire with pleasure. He starts thrusting into you slowly, while Flame still sucks on your breast hard enough to hurt, and Aidan continues to kiss you possessively. This kind of thing is exactly what you’d fantasized about, all three of them using you, and it’s beyond amazing.

“Mmm, I can smell her,” says Flame Song. “I think I want a taste.” She leaves off suckling your nipple and rubs her soft muzzle down your belly. Then her tongue is lapping at you just above where Ember’s cock fills you, caressing over your clit wonderfully. You break the kiss with Aidan to cry out, you can’t help yourself. You’re just about ready to come already.

“Think I want a taste too,” says Aidan. “But I’ll have a different sort.” He gives your shoulder a nip, and you shudder at the feel of his fangs. Oh, god.

It’s too much. Aidan is nipping teasingly at your neck, fangs right over your pounding pulse, and Ember is still thrusting into you, slow but deep, and Flame is licking at you, and your whole body is tensed, arched back, head tipped to the side as pleasure rises towards an inevitable crest. You’re on the very edge as Aidan bites down, a double stab of pain that holds your climax back for a single instant, but then he’s drinking from you and you couldn’t hold back another instant even if you wanted to, you come hard, letting out a gasping cry and shuddering, arching against Ember, your pussy clenching around his cock.

Flame makes a muffled little sound of surprise; you’re not a squirter, but there’s inevitably some extra fluid when you come this hard. She doesn’t seem to mind, though, she licks you right through it until you go limp, head lolling against Ember’s shoulder, breathing coming fast as you slide down from one of the best orgasms you’ve ever had.

Ember stops thrusting, just holding you. Flame sits back, wiping a hoof over her chin, and grins up at you. Aidan, though, is still drinking, and you sigh, just melting into the afterglow and the fantasy-made-real. You’ve just come pinned between three people, one of whom is a real vampire and is drinking your blood. Holy fuck this is amazing.

Aidan finishes after a moment more, and lets out a long sigh of his own, giving your neck one last lick to clean up a few stray drops. “Tasty,” he says, and licks his lips.

“Indeed,” says Flame Song, still grinning.

All you can do is lean back against Ember, and when he pushes you down onto the bed you flop over limply. Eventually, with a bit of nudging from the others, you end up properly lying on the bed, head on the pillows, Ember lying alongside you. You drink in the sight of him again, the muscular, lean, fit body that’s just absolutely perfect, a Hollywood ideal, here in real life only because the owner is a changeling and can be exactly what you fantasize about. He could be just average and you wouldn’t mind, though. Hell, he could be fairly ugly and you probably wouldn’t mind. It’s been so long since you’ve seen a human, and getting fucked by one, well, that was a rare, rare thing even before you ended up the only human on the planet.

Even though ponies aren’t as much to your taste, Aidan, with a hint of your blood showing pink on his muzzle and Flame, who probably absolutely reeks of your sex right now, are a happy, fuzzy, warm presence as they come and snuggle up beside you. You’re in the middle of one big tangle of skin and fur and wings, and it’s fantastic.

“God, that was amazing.”

“Glad we could be of service,” says Aidan, with a grin. “That was fun, really. It’s a job, but it’s a very good job when the customer enjoys herself so much.”

“Indeed. Your pleasure was delicious,” says Ember.

Flame giggles. “You’re delicious.”

“Oh yeah,” says Aidan.

You feel yourself blushing, and you can’t keep from squirming in embarrassment. “Thanks.”

Aidan gives the bite marks he’s left a lick. He’s got his head tucked against your shoulder, while Flame is half lying on him and resting hers on your stomach. It’s all very comfortable, and you’d be happy to lie here like this for the rest of the time. But the little sting of pain as Aidan licks sends another shiver through you.

“You know, I suspect this evening isn’t over yet,” says Ember, obviously sensitive to the flicker of renewed desire you’ve just felt.

“Indeed,” chimes in Aidan. “And that sounded like a very lovely orgasm, but none of the rest of us have had one. I believe there was something earlier about using you?” His grin is sharp, and there’s a warmth nudging at your hip where he’s cuddled against you that wasn’t there a moment ago.

“Oh dear.”

Flame lifts her head and smiles up at you toothily, and Aidan says, “You booked two whole hours, you know. There’s a lot of fun, evil things we could do to you in two hours…” His cock grinds against your hip more firmly. “A needy slut like you could probably get all of us off and have time left over.”

“Oh dear,” you repeat, realizing that you’re in quite a lot of trouble, but it’s the best possible sort of trouble, and you’re not about to say “red” any time soon.

Author's Note

Brought to you by my own very weird mind, and by my patrons on Patreon, who are the best possible people, and who I try to treat nicely with things like early access to my stories and input on what I should write. Not that they can really be blamed for this one.