You're Anon The Oblivious Human Equestrian Guy

by Mystical

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Human, Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Second Person, Comedy
Length: 2033

Everypony wants to shag you...too bad you're oblivious to it.

A genuine oblivious simulator.

Watch as pony after pony, throw themselves at you!

And you simply act borderline retarded.

Contains Mild Cursing And Lots Of Sex Slang!

I Wrote This As A Gift To My New Mate MDCommissioner!

It's dumb and silly but I hope you still enjoy luv!

Art By PonutJoe, check source for link.

Bloody Featured On 1\19\20 & 1\20\20 & 1\21\20 & 1\22\20 & 1\23\20 & 1\24\20!

Published 2020-01-19 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2023-07-03 18:05:25 UTC

Make Me Wet!

“Anon?” Twilight Sparkle gazed towards you with a stare full of innocence and compassion.

Those dark violet hues were so beautiful with a hint of mischief. Her lips curled into a tiny pout before she closed the thick red book in her hooves with a thud. Twilight's tail swayed behind her in swift elegant motions. Everything about her dripped with a playful essence that you hadn't seen in many girls on earth.

Especially towards you.

“Yes?” You coughed nervously under your breath.

You've been busy all day fixing stuff up around Twilight's private library. Most of what she had you work on wasn't really even broken, it was as if she just had you around for company. This honestly was fine, you loved nice ponies to chat with they seemed to understand you on an emotional level.

Something you far more preferred over a purely physical relationship.

“Do you enjoy living with me?” Twilight lifted her book in front of her muzzle full of shyness both cheeks glowing a bright red hue.

“Well yes, you're very sweet and understanding.” You replied with a large smile as you shuffled a few boxes of books around.

“Do you enjoy the late-night cuddles we share?” She took a deep breath pushing forward on the subject.

“The ones under the moonlight on the balcony?” You suddenly froze in place, your back turned to the princess in growing silence.

“Indeed.” She lifted off her large velvet pillow and took a few dainty steps in your direction.

“Yes.” You swallowed a huge lump in your throat.

You knew where this was heading. All those late nights rolling on the floor of the castle or sleeping on the balcony under the ballet of shining stars. It all meant one thing could only be upon the horizon.

“I'm dirty Anon. -- A filthy little pony.” Twilight whimpered under her breath before she wrapped both slender hooves around your waist.

You could feel the tiny creature pull closer into an embrace full of silent passion.

“What can I possibly do?” You gazed out the nearby window with narrowed eyes and a racing heart.

“Make me wet Anon! -- Take me here in this room right now!” Twilight's cheeks burned brightly as she watched you turn around to face her with a stone-faced expression.

“Ok, I'll do it.” You nodded knowing it must be done.

It took a little while to carry the large metal tub up all those stairs to the library. But after about thirty minutes of hard work, you were able to get that filthy little pony into the soapy water for a bath. She was covered in bright pink bubbles from head to hoof, you smiled with a heartwarming chuckle spraying her with a hose from behind.

“After this, you won't be so dirty, I promise!” You gave a wink and took a drink from a glass of cider in your hand.

“....” Twilight glared forward to nopony in particular eyes full of annoyance.

She had never been so wet in her life.

Buck Me Against A Tree!

The sound of apples hitting the ground was like a melody of the wild. As if Mother Nature decided it was time to bust out into a sweet bass solo. You sat under a massive apple tree in silence and watched an adorable copper pony buck trees to her heart's content.

You had a bottle of apple cider in your hand. If it made the mare happy to work all day under the warm caress of Celestia’s sun, who are you to judge?

Sometimes you could spend days at a time in a good book. The world passing you by in the blink of an eye. Sometimes we all just need to do something that puts our mindset at ease, be it work, play, or anything in between.

Applejack was coated in a fresh batch of sweat. Those emerald-like eyes burned into you from across the orchard. She was well toned for a pony, to be honest, and it was a lovely sight to behold. Muscular tight legs, a plump round butt, and of course chest floof that beckoned to be touched.

“Sugarcube?” She gave a feminine stretch in place as she lifted her sun kissed tail high into the air teasingly.

“AJ?” You quivered a tad nervous.

Lifting from your safe patch of grass, you walked over to the mare. Applejack wouldn't just call you over unless it was very important. Without a moment's hesitation, you both locked gazes in absolute silence of the moment. The only sound in the large open orchard that of two beating hearts.

“I see the way you stare, Anon.” She whispered in a gentle tune.

“I...I…” You couldn't quite find the right words.

“Shhh, I just want you to buck me against this tree.” Applejack giggled with a devious little grin across her lips.

“I couldn't!” You gasped in terrified shock of her request.

“You can't hurt me. Just give me one hard buck!” Applejack began to whimper below you the poor creature looked so uncomfortable.

“Fine, for you!” You took a deep breath with a look of genuine determination.

“Mmm, thank you sugar…” She yelped in pain as your foot came crashing down across her muzzle in a loud echoing pop.

The tiny copper body of the mare smashed across the vibrant tree with a dull thud. Applejack easily knocked out cold from the mere impact of the kick. “Was that helpful?” You asked confused as bright red apples rained from the sky above.

She never had such a hard bucking.

One-Eyed Snake.

Rainbow Dash took pride in getting whatever she wanted. From whoever she wanted and whenever she wanted. You stood outside just below her totally awesome cloud house in the sky, neck craned towards the heavens in silence.

Droplets of warm water suddenly trickled down your cheek from high above. Swooping down from her cloud in one swift motion, Rainbow was fresh out of a warm relaxing shower. Her technicolor mane flat and glistening with the beautiful rays of the sun.

She was slender and built-in all the right places. Her rump a plump soft shape, muzzle pursed into a flirty little pout unlike any you have ever seen. She had heard about the other ponies who failed to catch your eye, but she wouldn't be one of them.

You felt beyond uncomfortable in front of this wet little mare. Watching as she swayed her rump in a sexy exaggerated motion. Lifting off her front hooves, she pressed femininely against your toned firm body.

Rubbing her delicate hooves across your chest, she let her warm breath caress over your neck in a truly flirtatious fashion. She had you perfectly in her grasp, one you would never escape. You shivered in anticipation and growing fear, watching in awe as the blue pegasus lifted her tail high to beckon for attention.

“Anon, can you check my bush?” She growled under her breath.

“Why?” You stuttered nervously.

“Mmm, to see if any one-eyed snakes are inside.” Rainbow jokingly smirked with a sly wink.

“Oh my Celestia!” You narrowed both eyes in place.

It might have taken six long hours. But you eventually were able to check all forty-two bushes that surrounded Rainbow's cloud house, not a single cyclops snake found in any of them. If you had to think of something, you probably figured it slithered off when you were not looking.

“Nope no…” You turned to face your friend with a proud smile.

Yet she wasn't anywhere to be seen.

You Thick Bastard!

Rarity had invited you over for a lovely cup of tea. But to your surprise, it was just a guise to be able to question you about a few things. So here you sat if barely at a quite undersized pink-colored table, legs scrunched up at the sides of Equestria’s most petite little chair.

“Darling, I'm simply going to cut to the chase.” Rarity sat across from you sipping on a dainty glass of hot tea with a gaze of seriousness.

“Please do, I'm actually late for a date with Pinkie Pie.” You sipped from your own tiny cup, pinkie finger barely able to fit into the handle loop.

“The girls have told me about you dodging them.” Rarity flaunted her slender hoof towards you in curiosity.

“Dodging!? I've spent all day with them!” You snorted in a playful reply.

“No, that you won't buck them, darling.” Rarity smacked her lips casually expecting a reply.

“I kicked Applejack already, who else wants to be bucked?” You quirked a brow confused.

“No, I mean to shag.” Rarity narrowed her dark blue eyes annoyed.

“Who's too shaggy? Is it Rainbow?” You replied confused.

“Pound?” Rarity scrunched her muzzle cutely.

“A pound of what? Sugar?”

“Screw.” Rarity sighed.

“I left my tools at home.” You gave an absent-minded blink.

“To give them your dick!” Rarity tossed her teacup aside, rage growing within.

“I don't have a private investigator to give!” You tossed yours away too.

“COCK! -- I'M TALKING ABOUT GIVING COCK!!” Rarity lifted onto the table screaming wildly.

“Rarity, I don't raise chickens!!” You leaned inward matching her anger.

“Dear Celestia, you're thick!” Rarity scoffed with a frazzled mane.

You watched her gallop off in anger. The door of her adorable boutique slammed shut loudly behind her, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

How dare she call you fat!?

One Simple Word.

Pinkie Pie watched you with unblinking ocean colored eyes.

You sat on the floor of her bedroom watching her just as intensely in return.

Time seemed to nearly stop.

The world seemed to merely fade away.

Pinkie nodded, the right words suddenly found.

“Sex?” She snorted cutely.

“Kay.” You smiled back full of warmth.

You've been waiting to hear that word all day.

Dirty Horse Box Collection: Churning Butter.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

DHB : One Simple Question.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

DHB : So Gay.

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

A Roll In The Hay.

Fluttershy daintily pranced around the open doors of her shed. She was busy counting out her monthly supplies and what she'd need to acquire within the coming days. Every so often those large turquoise-colored eyes would shyly glance over to you. Fluttershy was the soft spoken sort, what she lacked in conversation skills she made up in body language.

Every few steps she'd sway her butt to the side in a teasing gesture. Or perhaps rock those full elegant hips back and forth, sometimes even just give a playful little swish of her full-bodied pink tail. You always found her the most graceful of the ponies in Equestria, every moment with her an absolute delight.

“Um, Anon sir?” Fluttershy spoke up in a barely audible whisper.

“Ma'am?” You gazed up from the chart in your hand, from what you could tell she wasn't really missing anything to replace this month.

“You're about the only creature to ever really listen to me.” Fluttershy blushed a vibrant pink over both cheeks embarrassed.

“I'm happy to help Fluttershy, I have to admit to loving our secret talks.” You jokingly gave a bow to the mare with a bright white smile.

“As do I.” She giggled her eyes lifted away from the ground, locking onto your own with a sparkle.

“Would I be out of um line…” Fluttershy burned a brighter red.

“Hmm?” You quirked a brow.

“If I suggested…” She gave a sharp inhale full of anxiety.

“Hmm?”

“Can we, I mean us...no you…” Fluttershy curled into a tiny ball shivering in fear.

“Hmm?”

“Anon, do you want to roll in the hay!?” Fluttershy squealed in outright embarrassment, both hooves lifted to hide her face away.

“Sure! Sounds like a blast!!” You chuckled out joyously before dropping your chart.

Screaming in a loud howl of excitement. You dashed pass Fluttershy into the shed quick to find the largest pile of hay in the tiny building. With a delighted chortle, you dived into the soft welcoming surface, rolling around atop the hay without a care in the world.

You waited for Fluttershy to join in on the fun. But instead, she simply galloped off towards her cottage in embarrassment. Leaving you befuddled and alone surrounded by waves of golden hay.

Was it something you said?