At Least it's Better Than Dick Cheese
Author's Note
At Least it's Better Than Dick Cheese
The tremendous double doors to the changeling throne room blast open, and two changeling scouts drag a mare behind them. Her whimpers echo through the otherwise empty room.
“Please, I didn’t know I was in your territory. You can take my whole cart.”
The mare is tossed before the throne, her tan coat caked in bruises and dirt. She looked up, crumpled on the ground before the queen of all changelings, Chrysalis.
She gazed down upon the mare with great impunity.
“Why do you waste my time with a simple Earth Pony?” Chrysalis snarled at her guards.
“We bring you a spy from Equestria, trespassing on our borders, your Highness.” The guard remains still and at attention. “She claims to be a farmer, but we believe-”
“And what reason do you have for her being an Equestrian spy?” Chrysalis asks.
“Your Highness,” the other responds. “We’ve been examining her route for several weeks now, and she routinely passes along the perimeter of our kingdom-”
“With my candies!” The mare interjects. “Y-you can see. I have a candy shop in Ponyville. I stay there with my marefriend. It’s called S-sweetie Drop’s Candies! You can see-”
“Enough!” Chrysalis commands. “I did not ask you to speak. You will not speak unless-”
A loud click resonates through the room, and Chrysalis loses her train of thought.
“You will not speak unless you are-”
Another click.
Chrysalis growls and looks to her left at you.
“Anonymous, is now really the time?”
You look up at her, holding a small pair of scissors in your hands.
“What? My nails are a nightmare. And there aren’t any nail clippers in this world, so what do you want me to do?”
“Perhaps do it,” she says gently. “ANOTHER TIME.”
“Fine, jeez.”
You shove the small scissors in your pocket and return to watching today’s episode of “The Bugs in Our Lives”, currently in progress.
Chrysalis clears her throat. Sweetie Drops looks from the queen, to you, then back to the queen.
“Now then, guards. Do you know what will happen if word reaches Canterlot that we abducted an innocent Ponyville Citizen?”
“But, your highness,”
“Answer my question!” She retorts. “Sure, I can already hear you saying that there were no witnesses. Well, it’ll only be a matter of time until somepony in Ponyville realizes she’s gone. Then what will happen?”
The two guards seems speechless, looking to each other. A barely perceptible smile curls on the mare’s lips.
“Oh! I know this twist,” you say. “She actually is a spy, and this was a big elaborate plan to get inside the base. I saw this before.”
The mare’s eyes open wide, and Chrysalis looks once again to you.
“Anonymous,” she hisses in a way that’s uncomfortably like a snake. It kinda makes you wonder what snake ponies would be like. Not gonna lie, it seems like their hugs would be to die for. Probably clingy though. “While your foresight has not failed me in the past, the potential ramifications of abduction and a hostage is a strike against our enemy that places us in a poor strategic position.”
Sweetie Drops sighs in relief.
“Send a scout to replace her for two days,” Chrysalis commands. “And see what else she may know. There may be more to this than meets the eye.”
Her jaw drops.
“No! I’m not a secret agent! I swear! Please!”
Chrysalis looks from the mare, to you.
You are searching. Searching deep inside for an answer. In fact, your finger is little knuckle deep inside your belly button.
“Anonymous!” Chrysalis growls. “Stop cleaning your holes!”
“What?!” you retort as the mare is dragged away. “Personal hygiene is important.”
“Yes, but it’s frowned upon in public company.”
“The worker bugs lick their holes all the time. Which, by the way, freakin gross.”
The doors to the throne room slam shut, leaving you alone with Chrysalis.
“I swear, if it weren’t for your ability to handle some of the oversights in my planning, I don’t know why I’d keep a hooman like you around.”
“Okay, one: Human. Say it with me. Hu-man.”
Chrysalis glares at you like you’ve called her mother a moth.
“And two: Don’t act all coy, I’ve seen you licking your holes as well.”
“There’s nothing wrong with hole cleaning when it’s in private.”
“Wait, were you washing your privates with me around?”
Chrysalis sighs, sensing that this would be another one of -those- conversations that frequently leave her with an aching migraine.
“It’s not private to clean your holes. It’s just the sort of thing you don’t normally do in public. Like cleaning your ears or wings.”
“And you creatures still don’t have Q-tips.” Then you pause. “Oh, sorry. You HAVE Q-tips, you just don’t let us USE them.”
“They aren’t safe for your ears and you know it.”
You sigh, throwing your arms up in the air.
“I’m just saying, you might not need to send so many ponies to the dungeons for not speaking up if you cleaned your ears once in a while.”
Chrysalis shakes her head and rises from her throne.
“I’m going to recess for a meal.”
“Gonna go eat more hole lint?” you tease.
She grits her teeth.
“There’s nothing wrong with licking our holes clean. In fact, it’s quite pleasurable.”
“And now we come back to public masturbation.”
Chrysalis growls in frustration, digs a hoof into one of her holes and pulls a small white gunk from it. She then pelts you directly in the face with it.
“Pocket sand,” you say in shock. “I should have known.”
“I grow tired of this,” Chrysalis states matter-of-factly. “You may join me or you may not. You have until I exit the room to make your decision.”
You wipe the white gunk off your face and look down at it. Suddenly, in the span of several seconds, you have a conversation with yourself.
“Hey, brain.”
”Yeah, Anon?” your mind responds to you, in basically your same voice.
“Am I crazy or does this look like cheese?”
Your brain stares at you, dumbfoundedly, with no eyes.
“Well?”
“M-maybe?”
“Like, shredded cheese.”
“But it’s white.”
“I think it’s cheese.”
“Please don’t eat it.”
“I’mma eat it.”
So you eat it.
Your brain vomits inside your head, but you think that’s probably just an aneurysm again. But, while the slightly fuzzy texture in your mouth makes you scream “NO, NO, NO, NO” internally…
It tastes exactly like Mozzarella Cheese.
“I can eat this,” you mumble.
Chrysalis’s hoofsteps echo throughout the chamber. You leap to your feet and rush to keep up with her.
“CHRYSSY STOP, I WANT TO EAT YOUR HOLES.”
The queen freezes.
“But, like, in a non-sexual way.”
Chrysalis glares at you in a combination of shock and surprise.
“Excuse me?”
“Your hole-lint tastes like cheese from Earth, and I have no shame.”
“Yes, I know it tastes like cheese,” Chrysalis says. “Why do you think we lick our own holes?”
“I take it all back. It’s not gross. It’s genius, and I wish I was cool enough to have a portable cheese maker. PLEASE LET ME EAT YOUR HOLES.”
Chrysalis blinks, then smiles malevolently.
“Promise no more personal hygiene in the throne room?”
You blink, then ponder the offer before you.
“Unless there’s leaves in my teeth, yes.”
“Deal. My chamber. Seven P.M.” Chrysalis commands. “You’re lucky I’m into this sort of thing.”
She then exits the throne room, leaving you alone. Which in hindsight is really irresponsible of her.
“Well,” you say confidently. “Looks like I’m gonna have a gouda time with the Queen later!”
