Your alarm clock is going off again. Why won’t that thing shut up? You pull your blanket over your head in an attempt to block out the noise, hoping that at some point, your alarm clock will just give up and let you go back to bed. After probably five straight minutes of that ear-shattering beeping noise continuing to echo throughout the room, however, you finally realize that no matter how much you wish for it to stop, it’s not just going to magically turn itself off.

While you groggily get up from your bed, scratching your lower back with one hand as the other slams the off button to that accursed alarm, you yawn lazily with a hint of disdain still in your eyes. You just had to think of that word again, didn’t you?

Magic.

About three months ago, Twilight decided to summon you here as part of some special experiment, and after initially freaking out from the sudden culture shock--if you could even call being transported to a new, colorful pony world “culture shock”--you started to think you were actually beginning to adapt to this new world. Then, about three weeks later, you realized that it was probably impossible after all. You’re a human in a world where everything is run off of horsepower, wingpower and actual freaking magic, none of which are qualities that you possess. Twilight originally tried to ease your way into this new world by providing you with a house, a bed and a monthly allowance, which wouldn’t sound so bad if you actually had any chance of fitting into this place. You don’t, though, and the longer you spend here, the more painfully obvious that becomes.

Whenever you walk around town, you see ponies smiling at each other, laughing with each other, telling each other about their day, but when they see you, they just… don’t. Their eyes go wide and their conversations stop, and even though they try to put on a smile to make you seem like you’re part of the group, you know that they’re just doing it to be polite. None of these ponies care who you are on the inside. In their minds, you’re a freak, no matter how much you’d like to change that.

Oh, and the kicker? Twilight can’t send you back. Turns out that whenever she tries using the spell that was supposed to allow you to go back to your old life, she just gets an image in her mind of some guy with red hair and a deep voice singing about he’ll never give up on her or something weird like that. At first you thought she was joking, but now that she can see how much you absolutely detest every single moment you spend living here, you can’t imagine Twilight doing anything that would screw you over this badly, no matter how much her studies would suffer if you went home.

What are you even doing up this early? What time is it? 10 AM? Maybe it’s time you went back to bed already.

You then pull your sheets back over your head, laying there motionless as you wait for the sandmare to pull you back into the dreamworld. You had a good dream last night, too. You dreamt that you had a mustache. Even if you were back home in the real world, you’d never be able to make something like that happen. You haven’t been able to grow any kind of facial hair basically since you were born! Well, it makes sense that you wouldn’t be able to grow facial hair when you’re first born. That would be weird. Not that there’s anything wrong with babies who are born with facial hair, though. Why are you awake, again? Shouldn’t you be sleeping right now?

With a loud groan, you sit up in your bed, indignantly throwing the blankets off of your waist and exhaustedly moving your feet onto the cold floor beneath you. Of course, after listening to that dang alarm clock for five minutes, there’s no way you’ll be able to fall back asleep now! When you initially set your alarm to go off at 10 AM, you had resolved in your mind that today, you would actually go outside and exercise, just so you could feel like you were doing something productive in this world. Today doesn’t feel like the right time to get started on that, though. Maybe tomorrow.

That still leaves one question, though: what exactly are you planning on doing today? You almost begin to plan out your day, but then a throbbing headache cuts your thoughts short. Maybe you’ll just do what you do every day and try to forget that you’re even here by throwing yourself into a sugar coma.

Back home you had alcohol to help numb the pain of working at a job that made you put on a phony smile, like you were somehow happy to be working at said minimum wage job that didn’t value your existence. Here in Equestria, though, alcohol doesn’t exist. Apparently fermentation itself doesn’t exist because ponies can use magic that makes it to where cellular respiration can continue to take place regardless as to whether or not there was any oxygen required for the process. Either that or they’re all just hiding the booze from you and not telling you where it is. Either option sounds equally as likely at this point.

Regardless, in order to desensitize the crippling depression you deal with on a daily basis, you decided to move onto the next best thing this world has to offer: sugar, of which this world has no shortage. In fact, you feel like the only two ingredients that even make up the molecular skeleton of this entire world are sugar and rainbows, and you’ve already heard nightmare stories about ponies who tried eating rainbows.

With your mind now made up, you put on your shoes and make your way out the door, not bothering to bathe or comb your hair or get dressed properly. You’re not one hundred percent sure whether or not ponies can tell if you do either one when you wake up in the morning, but so long as you don’t outwardly stink, you really don’t give a flying feather what they think about you anymore. Literally the only thing that matters anymore is that sugar high you’ll feel when you bite into one of those savory snacks down at the candy store.

“You wouldn’t believe it! Caramel was getting down on one hoof when all of a sudden, he remembered about that time when he went to the circus and--Oh... uh… Hi, Anon.”

As soon as you walk through the doors to the candy store and take your place in line, the two mares in front of you give you that same damn smile that you’ve learned to despise. It’s a smile that really means that they’re just trying to save face without being rude, even though on the inside, they don’t even want to be anywhere near you. You can’t help but scowl annoyedly at the two of them, immediately averting your gaze to the front of the line while the two ponies in front of you hesitantly return to their conversation. Of course, now they’re speaking much more quietly and keeping their words relatively conservative, as if you finding out about that time Caramel tripped on cotton candy would somehow ruin their day.

“Next!”

Well, at least the line is moving. Not like you’re in any particular rush, though. You’re going to be here all day talking to Winter Lotus, the mare who runs the candy shop who’s the only pony in this whole town you can actually hold a conversation with. Of course, she’s probably just having conversation with you so that she doesn’t scare away the one customer who’s single-handedly paying half of her rent, but that just means you don’t feel bad about never leaving this place.

“Next!”

Wow, this line’s actually moving pretty fa--

“Next!”

What the hay?! You’ve never been able to get to the front this quick before! Actually, now that you think about it, the voice behind the counter doesn’t sound like Winter Lotus after all. It does a little bit, but at the same time, there's something different about it.

“Next!”

Suddenly, now you’re the one at the front of the line. You look down at the counter, trying to find the mare who normally helps you out with your order, but after taking a quick glance, it doesn’t look like anypony’s there. Scratching your head, you quietly mutter, “Uhh… Hello?”

“Yep! I’m here! Normally I’m not, but today I am! What’s your name? Do you have any hobbies? What can I get for you?”

You tilt your eyebrow as you continue to search for where the voice is coming from, but upon craning your neck over the counter, you see a filly with messy hair like yours, holding a blue sprinkle scoop in her mouth. She looks a lot like Winter Lotus, but most of it is just the color scheme of her cyan mane and light pink coat. The biggest difference, though, is that while Winter Lotus normally gives you that fake, sympathetic smile that most ponies here give you, this little girl is looking up at you with big eyes and an enthusiastic grin, like she’s genuinely happy to see you.

“Oh!” you exclaim in surprise. “Uh… hi. I didn’t see you there. Is Winter Lotus not in today?”

“Nope!” the filly retorts with excitement. “Just me! Sister’s on vacation. She went all the way to Las Pegasus! It sounds like a fun trip! Very expensive. What can I get for you?”

You try to comprehend how she can string together so many words as quickly as she does while you’re still trying to wrap your mind around the first sentence she said. Then, shaking your head, you say, “Uhh… How about I start off with two sugar twists?”

“You got it! You know, sugar twists sounds a lot like my name! I’m Sugar Stix! What’s your name? Here you go! Next!”

By the time she actually takes a breath for you to answer her question, however, she’s already handing you two pieces of candy wrapped in plastic, turning her head to see whoever’s behind you in line. Turning your head in surprise, though, you see that you’re the last one standing there. Everypony else must have already been helped two seconds ago, which would normally mean that you get more time to talk with Winter Lotus, but now that her little sister is the one running the shop, do you even really want to stay all day like you’d planned?

“I think I’m the last one,” you say, pointing to yourself as you look around one last time. “I think I’m just gonna sit down for a minute and eat if that’s alright.”

“Sure thing! Always welcome! We have a spot here! There’s a spot there! Lots of spots! Not many ponies eat sugar in the morning. I love sugar! Candy canes, candy corn, licorice, jelly beans, chocolate, vanilla, strawberries, all of it! Let’s be friends.”

She’s doing it! She’s doing that thing where she can produce ATP without oxygen! You knew you were onto something! Based on how many words this filly can get out in one breath, there’s no way she’s actually managing to breathe in--

“Wait,” you say, shaking your head again. “What did you say?”

“Oh! I said lots of things! ‘I’m here!’ ‘Sister’s on vacation.’ ‘What can I get for you?’ ‘Very expensive.’ ‘Let’s be friends.’”

“Stop!” You quickly cut her off before she can continue listing off every word she’s said in the past five minutes. “There! Right there! What do you mean ‘Let’s be friends’?”

“What do I mean? I mean a lot! We should play on the swings! And have sleepovers! Let’s read comics together! Do you like sugar? We could have sugar eating contests! Or go canoeing! I don’t own a canoe. Too expensive. Do you have a dog?”

You quickly hold out your hand to silence her real quick just so you can process as many words that she said as possible. Normally you wouldn’t think it’s weird when somepony asks others to be their friend; heck you see it happen basically every day in this town, but the weird thing is, nopony has ever asked if you wanted to be their friend before. Everypony in this town has more or less tried to act friendly while subtly making it clear that you were an acquaintance and nothing more, which makes you wonder whether or not this filly actually knows what she’s saying.

“Uhh…” you begin, scratching the back of your head awkwardly. “Are you sure you’re allowed to consent to friendship? I feel like your mom might get mad at me for something like that.”

“I don’t have a mom. Only my sister. She takes good care of me. How’s your sugar twist?”

You haven’t even touched the candy that you came all the way down here to get, which is actually pretty surprising considering how quickly you were planning on digging in. Even when Winter Lotus is here, you normally don’t hesitate to at least get that initial sugar rush before you start wasting her day, but her sister is way more interesting than she ever was. At least Sugar Stix’s smile is genuine, unlike her sister who puts up with you bringing down her mood all the time. Wait, did she take this vacation specifically to get away from you?!

That’s when you quickly come to your senses and remember the important part of what she told you. “You don’t have a mom?” you ask sympathetically.

“Nope! No mom, no dad.”

“Wow… I guess I didn’t realize how hard Winter Lotus must work to provide for the both of you.”

“You talk about my sister a lot. You must be Anon! She told me to give you this. Here you go!”

In the next moment, she somehow simultaneously spits out her sugar scoop while grabbing a letter from under the counter in her mouth, placing it in front of you on the tabletop. The letter says “To Anon” with a heart drawn underneath, making you gulp hard as your face grows red. As weird as it sounds in your head, this looks an awful lot like a love letter from the outside. With your hands trembling as you reach down to unfold the paper inside the envelope, you glance down at the words on the page, raising an eyebrow at the unexpected length.

“Dear Anon,” it starts, causing your heart to jump... at least until you read the rest. “Touch my sister and I’ll kill you. Love, Winter Lotus.”

You have to read the letter over multiple times just to make sure you’re comprehending it correctly, but once you’re sure you read it right, you crumple the paper up while angrily mumbling, “Stupid whore. Stupid candy-colored motherf--”

“What did it say? Was it about me? My sister is really nice.”

“Yeah. Nice. Right.” You can’t help but scoff, knowing that when she eventually does come home, you’re going to come back to the shop and eat candy all day, just so you can annoy the everloving sparkles out of her. “It just said to take care of you until she comes back.”

“Really?! That’s great! Let’s have a sleepover! Do you like sleepovers? I like sleepovers. Except that time my friend put a candy corn up my nose. I had to go to the doctor for that one. Very expensive.”

Well, that kinda backfired on y--

“Wait. Your friend put a candy corn up your nose? How is that even possible? Were you unconscious or…?”

“My shift ends at 6 o’clock. Then we’re closed! Are you going to pick me up? I just need my toothbrush from home. Do you live alone? Do you have a girlfriend? Is my sister your girlfriend?”

“Stop!” you quickly exclaim, pinching the filly’s muzzle together before she manages to give everypony in the candy shop the wrong idea. Then, with a sigh, you say, “Hang on. Your sister didn’t mean for me to bring you over to my house. She just wants me to make sure that nothing happens to you, OK?”

Finally, you let go of the filly’s muzzle just long enough for her to take a deep breath, but before she can say another word, you immediately close it once again.

“And no, I’m not dating Winter Lotus.”

“Sounds right. She’s never mentioned a boyfriend. She only ever talks about some guy who stays at the shop all day and drives her crazy. Are we still having a sleepover?”

Hang on a second. So Winter Lotus does talk about you to other ponies, she just does it in a condescending way? Oh… You are definitely going to get her back for this one.

“Sure, we’re still having a sleepover!” you say jubilantly. “Actually, as a matter of fact, why don’t we have the sleepover at your house tonight? I can come back here whenever you’re finished with work, and then we can walk back home together! Doesn’t that sound like fun?”

Despite your ulterior motives to take a dump in her bathroom sink, the filly’s eyes widen with happiness, causing your shoulder angels to go to war with each other. On the one hand, you feel kinda bad for tricking a little girl into inviting you into her home so that you can get revenge on her sister for being a bitch, but on the other hand, her sister is a bitch who needs to be punished. Plus, if you cancelled on the plans you just barely made, that would make you the bad guy!

You shake your head to wave off your inner demons telling you why this is a bad idea and give Sugar Stix a genuine smile. “I can’t wait!” she exclaims. “We’re gonna have pillow fights, and tell ghost stories, and eat popcorn, and play board games, and--”

“That’s great,” you say, holding up your hand to keep her from going on any further and potentially losing oxygen. “I’ve just gotta go home and take care of some things first, alright?”

The filly, though, tilts her head. “But Winter Lotus said you have no life outside of here. She talks about you a lot. She says you pay her to be your friend.”

Oh, yeah. You’re not gonna regret this at all.

“We’re gonna have a great time tonight,” you say with a sadistic smile that only you would understand, and grabbing your sugary snacks that you planned to make last all day, you start making your way back home. You weren’t lying when you said you had some things to do at home. It just so happens that those things involve buying bear traps that you can leave in her closet. Either that or you could steal all her stuff.

Whatever you plan on doing, though, you want to make sure that it doesn’t end up impacting Sugar Stix. This little filly is different from her sister, and the last thing you want to do is to hurt your only friend at this point just so you can be a dick to Winter Lotus.

Huh… A friend… Never thought you’d have one of those here…

You show up to the shop just as the sun begins to set on Ponyville. While the filly dangles a large set of keys in her mouth, awkwardly trying to get the front doors locked, you casually wave to the stragglers, who politely wave back before turning away with a cringe they probably don’t expect you to see. You glare in their direction, but that look is quickly replaced by a jump as the filly all of a sudden appears right in front of you.

“My home’s this way! I’m so excited! I wonder if I should bring some snacks for the sleepover. Why are you wearing a backpack?”

Upon seeing the filly look over your shoulder to the bag hanging off of your back, you quickly turn your shoulder, as if that would somehow prevent her from seeing the contents inside. “Oh, just, you know… A toothbrush.”

Plus some pool chemicals, a dead fish, and a Young Thug CD. She doesn’t need to know the details about those, though.

“My sister told me to get home before dark. She said it’s scary at night. I don’t like scary things. I bet you don’t get scared. You’ll protect me, right, Anon?”

Now that she mentioned it, you can’t help but check the contents of your backpack just to make sure you remembered everything. This will be a very elaborate prank, after all. Once you breathe a sigh of relief, however, you look back at Sugar Stix, who’s giving you a wide, silly grin with her head tilted to the side. Did she just say something?

“Huh? Oh, right! Yeah, I agree.”

“Thank you, Anon! I knew I could count on you! I’m gonna hold your hoof. Or is it a claw? What are you again?”

Before you can comprehend what she’s saying, however, she reaches up to your hand and grabs hold, making you reflexively jump away. While your heartbeat returns to its regular rhythm, Sugar Stix’s smile slowly begins to fade, not to a frown or anything. She just looks… surprised.

‘Shoot!’ you think to yourself. ‘I’m gonna have to pay more attention to her than I thought.’

“Sorry about that!” you say, trying to laugh it off while you nervously rub the back of your head. “I guess I’ve just… never held hooves with a girl before.”

“My sister said you’ve probably never had a girlfriend. She also called you some v-word I don’t remember. Do you like snowcones? I’m getting hungry.”

Biting your lip before you take out your anger on the wrong pony, you hold out your hand and say as gently as you can, “Well, I don’t want you to starve! Come on. Let’s get you home.”

The filly then takes your hand, but she doesn’t last three seconds before she opens her mouth up again. “Anon, can I ask you something? It’s personal. My sister always tells me to say that before I ask questions like these. Sometimes I forget. Is it true what she says about you?”

You look down at her with a sharp eyebrow raised, but she continues to walk while looking straightforward, as if this were just a regular talking point. “Uh… Maybe? What does she say about me?”

“She says you don’t like it here. She says that all you ever talk about is how much you miss your old world. I feel bad for you. I don’t want you to live somewhere you don’t like.”

You try to smile, but as soon as you feel your lips turning upwards, you see out the corner of your eye a mare shielding her son’s eyes, glaring daggers at the two of you as they walk by. Suddenly, your grip begins to tighten around Sugar Stix’s hoof, not too hard, but just firmly enough to where you can allow yourself to calm down. Leave it to Ponyville. They get one look at you holding hooves with a filly and their minds automatically go straight to the worst possible answer.

“Yeah… I guess she’s right.”

“Can you not go back? I’d still visit you! Or we can send letters! My teacher says I have bad penmanship.”

Even despite your growing temper, you can’t help but chuckle. “I wish I could. If Twilight can’t even send me back, though, I think I might be here for a while.”

“How come you don’t like it here? When I’m sad, I eat sugar! Do you do that too? Let’s eat lots of candy when we get home. Then neither of us will be sad!”

“...Does your sister ever tell you to lay off the sugar?”

“Nope! I’ve got hypoglycemia.”

“Meaning…?”

“I need sugar to survive.”

Somehow, you’re not surprised. In fact, you’re kind of surprised that this isn’t a condition that literally everypony in Equestria has. Just as your mind goes off on a tangent, however, you quickly look down upon feeling the filly grip tighter around your palm, scooching in a little closer as the two of you walk.

“I don’t want you to be sad. My sister says mean things about you, but I don’t believe her. You’re a good guy.”

You look back towards the road in front of you with a half-smile. Yeah, if more ponies thought like her, then maybe this place wouldn’t be the fecal festival that you imagine in your head. ‘If only they did… but they don’t.’ Slowly, your fade smiles again as your grip begins to tighten once more.

“Sugar Stix?”

“Yup?”

“Can I ask you something... personal?”

Somehow, a pony that was trying to avoid eye contact as you walked by him managed to turn his head 90 degrees in one frame, giving you a scowl that you try to ignore. “Sure!” she replies before you can give him one back. “I like questions! I ask a lot of questions. This one time, I asked a question at school, and a girl called me obnoxious. I don’t know what that means.”

“So--” You blink at her last statement, but shake your head to ignore it. “Your sister seems to talk about me a lot.”

“Yuh-huh!”

“In that case… Aren’t you a little embarrassed to be seen with me?”

Suddenly, the filly stops in her tracks, and as you look down to see what’s wrong, she looks up at you with her big eyes, blinking quizzically in unusual silence. “What do you mean?”

“Like… If she says all those mean things about me, why do you still want to hang out with me?”

Again, she blinks before saying bluntly, “Because I like you!” You take a step back in surprise, but before you can overthink things, she immediately continues. “You let me talk. Lots of kids at school don’t like that about me. Some of them call me names. You’re super nice, though. My sister says you like to talk a lot too. And you like candy! I love candy. Can we have some right now? We’re here, by the way.”

You suddenly look up to see a timber-framed house that looks exactly like all the other ones in Ponyville. Then, slipping her hoof out of your hand, she walks over to the front door and swings it wide open, looking back in your direction with an innocent grin.

“Come on! I’ll show you my room! You’ll get to see my toy train! I got it as a birthday present. Very expensive. Let’s go!”

Before she even gives you the opportunity to get a breath in, however, she bolts inside the house, making you silently chuckle, shaking your head. Then, pulling up the straps of your backpack, you make your way into her house with something you haven’t had in a long time: a genuine, honest-to-goodness smile. You’re still probably going to pull at least some kind of prank on Winter Lotus while you’re here, but maybe it won’t have to involve the Young Thug CD after all.

Maybe just this once… you can actually have a friend to talk to. Maybe just for tonight, life won’t have to be so bad.

Author's Note

Porn will start in chapter 2