Arthur the Multi-Dimensional Mailpony

by Kraken_Of_The_Sea

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Parcel Post, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 6676

How far can one soul go to get a minimum wage paycheck? Very far it seems, depending on where you're standing.

First day on a delivery job that pays on commission, Arthur Pinkles (known lovingly as Parcel Post) receives a letter with a cryptic address leading to seemingly nowhere. New in town and with no bits to his name he'll have to search for the enigmatic 'Discord' the letter is addressed to. Getting food at some point couldn't hurt much, though.

Published 2020-01-30 02:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-30 02:40:01 UTC

First Day On The Job

My legal name is Arthur Pinkles, and this is not necessarily news to me. I have been known as the mischievously crafted moniker "Parcel Post" by anyone I hope to keep a lasting relationship with, as well as my mother. Despite the constant nightmare that was elementary school I don't think the torture of my name had ever been so clearly evident than the moment I read that note.

"Dear Mr. Dinkles, " it read in bold, proud text,

"Welcome to the Pony Package Processing Plant!*

With such an incredibly unique cutie mark such as APPLICANT CUTIEMARK we knew you were the correct choice! Your first delivery should be written in the blank below. Hopefully it involves some APPLICANT CUTIEMARK PLURAL, huh? Happy delivery!

*(No alliteration intended. We apologize horribly for the inconvenience, the PR team is shrieking that they didn't catch this one. It will be fixed shortly.)

I could hardly pry my eyes from the "Dinkles" etched into the parchment, but as my attention wandered I read the delivery notice on the bottom: "We tried striking, but the union got bored and now we're tired. Here's the last order for the day. Just try and get it done by tomorrow or something, I don't know. Take your time."

Letting the note drop back on the desk I stepped over to a few scraps of paper sitting on the metal cabinet across the room. There was an unopened envelope and two scraps of paper on either side. One read: "Alliterations, what are we amateurs? Should another abhorrent alliteration stumble its way into our good company, I'll quit!"

The other seemed to be an official letter of resignation.

My eyes settled on the envelope between then. As it had been stamped, I assumed it had to be the one for delivery. I flipped it over and casually read the address.

"X-95Y/Z-4ac97YX3X
Dimension 37
South of North (but only a little)

Discord"

I was no longer casual.

Not only was there algebra in the address but the blatant lack of parenthesis was horrific. I immediately dropped the note and let out a yell that was somewhere between a laugh and a shrieking yodel. I tore through the room looking for something else to deliver, though unless there was someone interested in a quarter bit capsule toy from Equestrian Girl's front lobby it seemed like a hopeless effort.

With despair weighing heavy in my heart I dragged my hooves over to the envelope and read the address again. I repeated over and over to myself that it had to be a joke, and a nerd joke at that. I considered calling it a day there but almost on cue I turned to face the massive poster just above the recycling bin.

"THROW A PACKAGE AWAY, THROW YOUR PAYCHECK AWAY." It read in horrendously upscaled font. The pony on the poster pointed onward through the poster to me, with a look of 90 parts anger and 10 parts longing. I considered my paycheck for a moment. $7.95 bits for a single letter. Now I would be getting the premium fee hopefully, if the package is legally outside of Ponyville, and it would raise me up to a whole $12.95 bits. With a burning resolve in my heart to not waste a day of my life for $12 bits I moved my hoof to crumple the paper.

And then it hit me.

Hayfries.

A Double Hayfry Combo Meal would cost approximately $10 bits. In my head it all came together: Find the address of the letter, get someone to buy me hayfries, and pay them back tomorrow. Puddle Stomper instantly came to my mind as a sucker who'd buy me fries, and I took the envelope and left the miserable office behind.

~

It wasn't long until I stood by the front door of Stomper's house. I took a breath in and began to turn on my suave mojo.

Three raps of my hoof against the door. No more, no less.

The door opened and I was greeted by a pony with a messy, long, blonde mane and a rainy grey coat. "What's goin' on, Puddles?", I recited in my smoothest tone.

She rubbed her eyes, "What's with that stupid nickname."

Devastation. Phase one had completely backfired. We really needed to bring this in with phase two.

I puffed my chest out and continued with a subtle wink, "I need someone to pay for my hayfries." I heard a slam, and the mare in front of my had been replaced by her front door. My plan was in shreds. I knocked again, barely remembering to do so only three times. I had to keep some composure after all.

"I am NOT paying for your food again, Arthur." she called from beyond the door.

I slid the envelope through her mail slot and begged, "I was only kidding Stomper, I need your help! This address makes absolutely no sense!" The door flung open and one of her wings was extended. I shuddered, "Not the wing chop..."

"Than enough with these stupid jokes." She barked, and then spat the letter back at me.

I adjusted my cap and let out a sigh, "Look, I want this to be a joke as much as you, but this is my letter and I need to deliver it." I picked up the letter and gave it a waggle, flicking it with one hoof, "And this is my meal ticket as well. Enough to pay for some fries, you dig?"

A smile crossed international lines and crept on her face, "And you want me to pay for it right now?"

I matched her awkward smile as an almost primal instinct, "Sound like a plan?"

She sighed and pushed past the door, letting it swing close behind her, "Alright, but we're delivering this letter first. Call it assurance." I bit my lip and looked down, crushed. It was a condition I'd simply have to accept. "Now let me see that again," she said, snatching the letter from my hoof, "You say this isn't a joke, yeah?"

"As far as I can tell this Discord person is real and they need this delivered." I explained.

Stomper held the envelope against the evening sun, and saw a tiny rectangular silhouette through the paper, "You reckon its a gala ticket."

I pressed my head against hers and looked, "Dang, you're right. Pretty important then, huh?"

Stomper looked at me with a wicked grin, "Maybe we should take this ticket for ourselves and make off with it, huh?"

I raised an eyebrow, "It's one ticket genius. And I'm not looking to lose my job like that last one." Images of fire, howling monkeys, and twisted steel filled my mind, "I can never return to that zoo again..."

Stomper tucked the envelope between her wings. "Well I'd say we make to the library. There's a librarian there who I think would nerd out over this math stuff."

"I've heard stories about that mare." I mused, then I shook my head, "We're getting ahead of ourselves. Lead the way! As long as you're buying me food later!"

"Don't count on it." she snorted, trotting past me.

I fixed my gaze and started walking.

I will get my snack.

~

The titanic trunk of The Golden Oak library blocked the rays of the sinking sun, as small bits of orange light peeled their way around its edges. This was the place. The final stop before I tasted the Double Hayfry Combo Meal. The beauty of the moment sunk into my heart as I Stomper raised her hoof to the door. "NO!" I cried, stopping her arm with my own. She looked at me in disbelief, "And what would you rather me do?" She scoffed. I cocked an eyebrow, "Observe."

One, two, three knocks. Perfection. One to gain the attention, the other to show ambition, and the third just to show I'm a little crazy.

There was no response. Stomper sighed and raised her hoof again, opening the door. "Why are you knocking on the door to the public library?" I swallowed my pride as my perfect form had fallen on deaf ears and trotted inside.

Now I have never been the learned type, but this library's existence was no surprise to me. Long have I heard stories of the magnificent purple creature that lay within, streaks in its hair, a grace to its movements. I turned to look and there it was.

A short fat dragon child.

Wrong one, I hope.

However, I didn't care much if he wasn't the mare of my dreams to be frank. My priorities lay upon Stomper, my old childhood friend who was destined to be mine. I had been picking up some tips from a dear dear friend on how to be irresistible and was rather enlightened on the subject. You see, it had been explained to me that nothing makes you more of a hot and valuable piece of plot than flirting loudly with a much more attractive mare while completely ignoring your potential lover. Its all about looking unobtainable. Yes, this librarian was no more than a spring to launch my incredibly sophisticated plan to seduce my best friend. What's more, I could do this all while scoring a Double Hayfry Combo Meal and a completed delivery. Truly, the proof was in the pudding.

As I outlined my brilliance a sharp claw poked my flank. The scaled baby-man spoke, "Uh, dude, you need something?"

I turned to him, sweat careening down my face.

"Um, uh, do you have any books on reading letter addresses."

The purple mass give me a half lidded scowl, "You mean like, how to read?"

"No, I mean the ones that have algebra in them!" I explained.

A confused look twisted through his face as a crashing of hooves came whirling down the staircase.

"Did you say you needed help with algebra Spike!?" an unfamiliar voice called.

"That wasn't me that was him!" Spike called, pointing my way.

The mere thought that I could be mistaken for him, it broke my spirit like glass.

Yet as I met her gaze it came back together. This had to be her, the mare everyone talked about. She was nerdy and had an amazing mane. I wished my co-workers would have been a little more descriptive than calling her a "purple creature." Did not do her justice. Still, I gathered my confidence and prepared to initiate.

"Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle! I run this old library, I haven't seen you before!" she chimed.

"Oh! Um! I'm Ar- Parcel Post! I am a delivery pony on commission! I have an address I need help with!"

Twilight looked on with an innocent head tilt, "Why do you need my help for that?"

"He's dumb!" commented Stomper, from the other end of the library. I had momentarily forgotten she was here.

She trotted over and explained, "We have this wacky address that's got like, some dimensional stuff going on. Anything that could help with that?"

Twilight put her hoof to her mouth and furrowed her brow, "I don't believe I've heard of anything like that before... could I take a peek?"

"Sure thing, " said Stomper, taking a look at the letter with a sideways glance as she handed it over, "it's addressed to someone who say they're called 'Discord'? Sound like a lame nickname to me."

Twilight magically snatched the letter in a fervor and began chattering loudly, "DISCORD!? The deity of pure chaos and nightmare? Who my friends and I turned into a statue!?"

I turned to Stomper but we both shared the same lost look, "Me and Ar-, I mean Parcel ain't the booksmart type. Who is this guy?"

Twilight pulled out a quill and walked upstairs, still calling to us, "He was a force of utter destruction that warped Ponyville on its head, how did you guys not notice?"

I shrugged, "Must've slept through it."

Twilight shook her head, "Well, anyhow. This seems to lead to his... home I guess. Could be fun to investigate!"

I sighed, "Well I could've told you that. Any clue why there's algebra in the address?"

She clambered through her shelves in the nook above, still calling out, "I can't be sure until I decode it. Make yourselves at home for a while, this could be a bit." Twilight looked up suddenly and murmured, "But I have that party today...oh but this is too interesting! I'll have to make time for both!"

Twilight excitedly rushed down the stairs and looked at Stomper then back to me, "You two can come to my party tonight and distract everyone while I work on this math problem in my room!"

I raised my eyebrows and nodded my head, "Well that certainly sounds good. I'd like to deliver this ASAP but if you're doing it for free I'll do anything above Tartarus."

I looked towards Stomper for her approval. She had a grin on her face, "Well that sounds better than paying for hayfries!"

I shot a wicked gaze at Stomper, "Our deal is BOND!"

Twilight laughed, "Well I don't think I really know what's going on between you two, but you seem like you'll make the party more interesting!" She began to trot up the stairs.

Just then, I remembered my golden scheme and called out, "By the by Twilight, the way your horn intertwines reminds me of my youth..."

Spike, who had been distantly cleaning, went wide eyed and dropped his duster. Twilight stopped her ascent up the stairs. Stomper had her head in her hooves. The silence seemed to ungulate with my heartbeat, the air was murky, and the smell of death entered my nostrils.

"H-hows that?" Twilight nobly engaged.

My brain searched. Nothing. Tenacious, it searched a little more to the right, and it found something.

"I, uh, I need to use the bathroom!" I yelled, rushing to the aforementioned safe haven.

Brilliant.

Twilight turned to Stomper with a puzzled expression, "I don't think I get that joke."

Stomper just shook her head and shrugged.

~

My plan had failed horribly. I sat in the bathroom, an absolute mess. I'm sure I had followed all the steps, why didn't it work? It was time to consult my dear dear friend Dr. Alfonzo and his Guide to Maremancing. I hoofed through the pages, haphazardly stopping at the corners I had folded.

"Ugh, I already KNOW about the three knock technique, I'm not a silly filly!" I called out, continuing my trek.

Stopping at "Step 1 To Conversation: The Bait And Switch" I knew I had messed up. I had skipped all the way to "Step 6 to Conversation: Enchanting Parallels To Childhood Events"! I looked at the picture of Dr. Alfonzo on the back cover and limply traced my hoof along his chiseled jaw.

I'm sorry, Alfonzo. I'll do better next time.

I placed the book on the table beside the toilet and hung my head low. My possibility of getting hayfries declined sharply, the pretty librarian thinks I'm weird, and I'm too afraid to admit I don't understand the Dewey Decimal System. Albeit the latter was less of an immediate embarrassment but more of a lurking horror that sets in anytime I enter a library.

My mind marinated in hopelessness as I recounted my blunders, and I couldn't imagine a rockier bottom. My mind went into a despair meditation. Imagines of Dr. Alfonzo's perfect body ran through my head, and my deepest fears came to light. The small dragon boy pointed to me in my mind and laughed, "You sound just like me! Hahaha! You hear this tiny boy laugh, that's you!"

NO! I cried within, I sound like Celestia mixed with Bing Crospony!

Suddenly, two knocks rang out through the bathroom door.

Amateur...

"Arthur, are you okay man?" Stomper's voice asked through the door, "You've been in there for like an hour and a half." I heard a set of hooves move towards the door.

"You only sound a little bit like Spike, I promise!" Twilight chimed in. The fact she knew it had upset me, that was the most painful part.

"Don't worry, I just fell asleep." I grumbled, opening the door and stepping out. The sun had gone down and the library was glowing with the soft flicker of candlelight.

"The party is gonna start soon Parcel! You gotta prepare yourself for one of Pinkie Pie's parties!" she chirped.

"Oh, joy. The reason I never show up to these parties is because I want to go." I huffed.

Twilight raised her hoof and spoke up, "I used to be the same way, but my first day in Ponyville ended with a Pinkie Pie party! It was annoying at the time, but looking back I'm really happy it happened. I made some of my most important friends there."

I rolled my eyes, "Yes I'm sure the friendships you made at some party are so important, but my Double Hayfry Combo Meal is on the line here! If I don't survive this party you buy that value meal and put it on my grave!"

Spike looked in disbelief at my first comment, "You just don't read the news, do you?"

Twilight chuckled, "You'll be fine, I'm going to be up all night solving this mystery after all!" Twilight giggled like a school filly, "Its going to be so FUN!"

Just then five knocks sounded at the door. I scoffed.

"Looks like she's here! I'm going to go retreat to my room, tell Pinkie I'm sick!" Twilight explained, skipping back to her room.

I looked over to Stomper for moral support and swung open the door. Before stood two ponies. One with a pure white mane and the other's colored a deep charcoal, both in dark sunglasses. I scanned the two of them, "Okay. Sorry, honest question. Which one of you is Pinkie Pie? You might get this all the time but I expected you to be pink!"

The two ponies cleared the way in and sat down in the middle of the library, analyzing the room. The one with white hair didn't turn to look at us as she spoke, "Pinkie Pie is out on important business; Her pet alligator got a cavity. We're here to make sure this party runs smoothly."

I shook my head in awe. "Um, okay. Could I get a name?" The white maned mare turned to me with a smirk.

"You can call us, the Party Police." she yelled, striking a synchronized pose with her partner.

"The Party Police? what the hell are you policing?" Stomper scoffed with a cynical grimace.

The mare lowered her glasses, "Look, we just had to make the name work, okay? We love alliteration, we're not like those snobs at the delivery office."

"Hey!" I shouted, "That's me!"

She looked at my cutie mark with the disdain of a king addressing a peasant, "Yeah, I could tell." I took a cursory glance at their cutie marks. The white maned one had some kind of radar display with balloons replacing the pings on the radar. The other had a helium tank. Tacky.

"Listen, we're not like Pinkie Pie. What we like are results." The mare snapped her hoof and a team of ponies rushed in with equipment.

I looked at her hoof, "I don't know how you did that."

She paid no mind and began to bark orders to the team. "We need 500 CCs of Helium to my partner here! Set up that DJ table! Get the buffet ready!"

My stomach roared at the mere mention of a buffet, and before I knew it the team had finished setting up the DJ table, and a bucket of empty balloons was wheeled over to the charcoal maned mare as well as a tank of helium. Everyone backed off and seemed to watch the mare expectantly. With all the grace of a hurricane she began to inflate the balloons at a rate I frankly did not think was possible. The noise was akin to a marathon runner panting inside of a rubber hose, as she seemed to put the helium in her mouth and spit it out into the balloons. It looked weird but hay, I'm not the expert here, and it seemed to be working well. The balloons were inflating to a titanic size and flew up with incredible speed.

It couldn't have been five minutes later and the party was nearly set up sans the buffet table. The white maned mare turned to her expectant troupe of stallions and spoke, "Send the word. The festivities have begun." I took this opportunity to sneak upstairs, leaving Stomper behind to handle what was left of preparations as I visited Twilight's room.

As I rose up the stairs all sound seemed to be sucked into the now vacuous hallway. The moonlight shining in from the window seemed to dissipate entirely, creating a pitch black maw leading to her room. I took a step forward but Spike flung out in front of me holding his finger in a 'shh' over his lips. He pointed to the door. I squinted and noticed it was rattling and I could barely hear the furious scratching of a quill on paper along with frantic breathing. I gave Spike a nod and salute, and he returned the gesture as I walked back down. Maybe I was wrong about him, he could have just saved my life.

When I stepped down a sea of ponies flooded the downstairs of the library and were blasting what can best be described as "Vomit EDM". I assumed Twilight must have cast some kind of muffling spell, because the kick drums were like mini migraines. I squeezed into the crowd and looked for Stomper. After some searching I found her pressed against the wall, "How you holding up?" I asked.

"I'm fine!" she managed through her squished state, "More importantly how is Twilight?"

"She's hard at work." I surmised, "Wheres that buffet table? If I get there soon you may not have to pay for my meal tonight." Her grey hoof shakily pointed behind me. My gaze surfed the entire crowd until I saw a tiny checkered table with a massive platter of food in the back. There was a nice, plump burger balanced on top.

Without saying a word, I dove into the crowd. I heard a muffled "Good luck" sound out behind me as Stomper was shot back into the crowd like a tube of toothpaste. Slowly I made my way through the mass of ponies, none I recognized. I heard some "Hey!"s and "Parcel!"s here and there, so I just shouted back "Hello Thunder Hoof, Tiny Tail!" and various other names I hardly remembered from letter addresses back in the Royal Mail days, sometimes followed with an innocuous "We really should hangout later!"

After sailing the intrepid winds of the crowd I found myself face to face with an empty platter. Somehow in the little time I had been in that crowed it had been devoured. I looked to my left, and to my right, and realized the extreme difficulty it takes to identify who has just eaten a hamburger. I guess that's why they leave it to the professionals.

Crestfallen and aimless, I looked around and noticed a blue mare to the right of me. I didn't find myself at social gatherings so transient as this very often, and thought it could be a good time to practice my silver tongue and crack into the good book of Dr. Alfonzo.

I cozied up to the toothpaste maned mare next to me and recited one of his openers.

"This party is pretty killer, huh?" I recited, shivering as the words left my lips.

My god, the good doctor has a way with words....

"Dang right, there's never been a bad party in Ponyville!" She howled, rather unaffected by Alfonzo's impeccable siren song. Clearly she wasn't the artistic type. Luckily she was merely my training dummy. Now that the doctor's word-wizardry had led my into the conversation it was time for me to freestyle.

"It's a really great party, just wish they brought a little more food is all!" I chuckled.

The mare looked at me with a horrified expression, her mane dropping as if the air around it had sunk. She whispered to the stallion next to her, backing up and never breaking eye contact with me. The stallion whispered to the pony behind him, and soon enough there was a line of ghastly figures staring at me wide eyed. I did not quite have the doctor's touch it seemed.

I mixed myself in with the crowd as soon as I could, and was seemingly forgotten with relative ease. Just as I tried to make my way back to Stomper I heard my name being called from above. At first, I thought it was an echo, but I realized that it was a different voice than my own. It called again and I turned to look up, now noticing the colossal mass of balloons that filled up the entire top half of the library. Perched upon one of the balloons, belly down, was Spike the dragon.

"Parcel!" he cried, "Twilight needs you to grab a book for her! Also, help me get back to the stairs, I didn't expect these balloons to be so well inflated"! His plump body was no match for the expertly filled balloons as they slowly lifted him up. I assumed when he reached the roof he would be crushed like a vice.

I grabbed the balloon string in my teeth and looked up at him, then down to the crowd. A massive amount of unicorn horns poked out through the crowd, and if they popped his balloon he could fall to a spiky death. The thought tempted me, but I shuddered thinking of Twilight's utter rage. And the morality of the whole thing too. But after the first.

Like an eel in an etch-a-sketch I navigated expertly, slithering between ponies while swinging spike lightly between various unicorn horns. When Spike reached the stairs he tried to hop off, but caught his ankle in the string just as I let go. I frantically tried to bite the string, but my jaw was criminally in un-stretched from not eating a plump burger moments before. "Parcel, this could be it for me! Please, get that book for Twilight or she may destroy the whole town trying to solve this! She needs a book on quadrophonatic equations, she said it should be in the math section! Just use the Dewey Decimal system!" he said as he floated away into the meat grinder of balloons flying above the party. I promised myself to remember not to bring balloons to his funeral, and after wiping a tear from my eye I dove back into the crowd.

~

The bookcases stood before me imposingly. Just a few inches behind me the party roared on, but the bookcase were a natural repellent for anyone on any sort of substance. Just as I feared, though, three digit numbers lined the shelves with no other labels to be found. I tried in vain, but my fears had become a reality: I simply did not understand the Dewy Decimal System. I swallowed my pride and turned to face the crowd.

"Hey guys, can anypony here find me some light reading on quadrophonatic equations?"I shouted into the writhing mass of ponies. Nothing. I gathered myself and shouted as loud as I could, "COULD ANYPONY FIND ME A BOOK ON QUADROPHONATIC EQUATIONS!"

The music stopped and the crowd turned to face me. In the front of the crowd was the toothpaste maned mare from earlier, and she curled into a disgusted scowl and snuck into the crowd. A colt from the back of the crowd yelled, "Why does Twilight's dragon need help finding a book in his own library?"

I let out a quavering plea, "I'm not Spike! Please, I need this for my, uh, keg stand...party trick."

"A book on quadrophonatic equations?" sneered a mare in the front row.

"It's a difficult trick!" I explained.

A buff, peach colt called out from the crowd, "Bro...why don't you just use the Dewey Decimal System! Should be in the math section."

The crowd murmured in agreement. I turned to face the shelf, "Math you say...so that's a number in the 'M' section somewhere?"

"This guy doesn't know how to use the D.D.S!" a voice called from the back. The crowd erupted into laughter and ferocious yelling and before I knew it I was in a riot. The buff colt looked at me with a forlorn gaze. "Bro...get it together..." he lectured, shaking his head and slowly turning away.

I squinted my eyes to keep the tears inside. You miss one English class in elementary and you tumble to the bottom of the caste. "Why couldn't they just label them in English..." I whispered, biting my lip and facing away from the crowd. Just as the first tear hit the carpet Stomper nearly crashed into me.

"Arthur! You still don't know how to read Dewey?" she called. She noticed my tear addled face and quickly changed the subject. "It should be over here in the 600s..." she said, perusing the selection. Suddenly, I heard a yell from the crowd.

"That's him!" screamed the toothpaste mare, "That's the pony who complained about the party!" From behind her unfurled the Party Police in perfect phalanx formation. The white maned mare sneered, "So you think you're all that huh, mail pony? Think you can ruin one of my parties?" The other mare spoke into a walkie-talkie "We got a party pooper, ready the artillery."

I turned to Stomper, "We need to go, NOW!"

She held a hoof in a spot on the shelf, "But I just found the book!" Stomper looked back at the army of suit-and-tie stallions amassing behind the Party Police. "Oh..."

"ARM THE PARTY CANNONS!" cried the dark maned mare.

Stomper pushed a book into my hands and bit me by the tail, "You're gonna have to find you're own way outta here Arthur, I'll meet you outside!" she yelled through her teeth, and proceeded to swing me like an Equestria Games hammer thrower straight into the balloons above.

"FIRE!" I heard from below, as an inconceivable amount of confetti blasted where I was a moment before. The screaming of squeaky latex marked my entrance into the cloud of balloons above. After clutching onto one of them, I looked up to see a nearly endless view of balloons in all directions. Much like Spike the balloons began to rise back up after I displaced them, bringing me with them. In no time I would be crushed by the ceiling.

I tucked the book into my mail bag and waggled my hooves frantically. The balloon started moving near a neighboring one,. and I slid myself off nimbly and clasped onto the other. As the balloons displaced from their cloud I momentarily got a view of the crowd below me. An ocean of unicorn horns now stood at a genuinely lethal distance below me. The Party Police took notice of me and screamed, "THERE HE IS, FIRE!"

I frantically waggled my balloon back into the others and braced for impact. A massive crash sounded in my left ear and a shock wave blew through my body as I wobbled on my balloon, pressing my thighs on tight and wishing I had fingers. Hundreds of popping balloons thundered above me and I sent a prayer to Celestia for being kind to me. I looked at the cavity in the balloon cloud, the shot had only missed me by about 3 balloons.

Just as I turned to the next balloon on my path a massive weight landed on my back and knocked the wind out of me. "AHCK" I squeezed out.

"Hold on Parcel!" I thought I heard my inner voice say before realing it was coming from my back, "Why in Tartarus you up here anyway?" It took me a moment to realize Spike the dragon was clutching my flank.

"Spike, sweet Pony Jesus I thought you were dead!" I exclaimed.

"I found a small space between a few balloons and just balled up like a fetus." Spike explained confidently.

"Well, we need to get out of here quick, the Party Police are after me!" I said nervously.

"What did you say to them!?" Spike gasped.

"I just said the food was only okay!" I yelled.

"Beginners trap..." he whispered, "Anyway, if you want to get out of here there's a window on the far wall we could sneak out of." Just as he finished another cannon shot fired of and decimated a portion of the balloon cloud. I looked up and realized the were no longer any balloons separating us from the nearing ceiling.

"Looks like we're running out of time..." I mused, "Won't be long until we're spread across the roof like a tub of jelly."

And then it hit me.

"Spike, I need you to show me your tail!" I cried. He clutched his tail like a mother protecting her baby.

"What are you planning..." he scowled. With no time to explain I snatched his tail between my teeth and dangled him off the balloon. He started howling in fear and swinging his arms around frantically. Reenacting something I saw in a nature documentary about eels, I shook him until he stopped moving.

"SPIKE!" I managed between my teeth, "WHERE IS THE WINDOW!"

Spike came to his senses. Now below the cloud, he pivoted his head until he pointed behind me. "Alright Spike, you're a real hero for this!" I announced, positioning him opposite from the window. From below I heard the Party Police shout "FIRE!" and quickly snatched spike up and flung myself from the balloon.

With a colossal BANG the confetti shot exploded mere feet in front of us right at the point were spike was dangling, punching through the ceiling and blasting us towards the wall. I scanned the wall frantically as I flew towards it and found the window in the nick of time, snatching a balloon to get us just enough height to smash through.

With a ear shattering crash Spike and I burst out through the window and into the cold night air. Before I could prepare for impact I hit the ground hard and started tumbling hard on the gravel. I stood still, mimicking those goats that play dead until everything settled down. I rose to my hooves and despite a bit of wobbling I was remarkably unscathed. I turned to see Spike, his scales only scratched but covered head to toe in soot and streamers.

Might of pulled him out of that blast a little late.

He was breathing though, so no harm no foul.

"Woah!" Stomper called, "Looks like it got pretty serious in there, you guys okay?"

Spike began to chuckle then erupted into a fit of hideous laughter, twisting his body around randomly. I looked to him and turned to Puddle Stomper, "He got a direct hit from a party cannon, so he'll have disco fever for a whi-"

Before I could finish a voice cut through the night's ambiance. "And next it will be you, mail pony."

"Oh, great!" I barked as I saw the two Party Police mares wheeling out their party cannon.

"You will enjoy this party, even if I have to blast the fun into you!" she howled, signaling her partner to arm the device.

With no where to run, I tilted my head down and accepted my fate. I prepared for the worst: dancing, socializing, and staying up past bedtime. Suddenly, two hoof cracks snapped through the tense silence. I looked up to see two colts standing before the unconscious body of the Party Police.

"Parcel! I can't believe those party freaks almost blasted you!" they both cried, stepping closer. I recognized neither. "Uh...yeah. Thanks! Guys!" I managed.

"You always have a friend in Thunder Hoof and Tiny Tail!" they said cheerfully, "That camping trip in junior high was so fun, I couldn't ever forget. It's really sweet that you remembered!" explained either Thunder Hoof or Tiny Tail.

I nodded and exclaimed, "Yeah! We really need to hang out sometime!"

"Well me and Thunder Hoof are headed to Canterlot this week, but after that we can get together." the small tailed colt explained.

I nodded and waved them away, awkwardly walking around to the back of the library and just sitting there. Stomper flew by and laughed. "Are they gone?" I asked.

"Yeah I think they went home now that the Party Police are out of the picture. Friends of yours?"

"I-uh. I guess so." I said, shaking my head in awe. A burst of violet light burst out from the broken window as a scream from Twilight echoed through the street.

"We ought to get this book to her." Stomper said, gesturing to my mailbag. We trotted back around the library, careful to avoid any sight of Tiny Tail or Thunder Hoof. Along the way, I grabbed the gyrating Spike by his tail and dragged him along with us.

At the front door a stream of tired ponies tumbled out of the library. "We get out early, the Party Police got knocked out!" I heard a pony exclaim. "Freedom!" another shouted. The toothpaste maned pony hung her head low, and upon making eye contact with me solemnly moaned, "The Stanford Pony Experiment was right all along...", tearing apart the smiley face sticker the Party Police had given her.

"Those Party Police run a tight operation, good god." I remarked, "They got this whole town in their hoof."

Stomper turned to me with a concerned gaze, "Makes you wonder their relationship with Pinkie."

~

Spike hopped down the steps to an imaginary beat in his head. "Twilight is hard at work, but with that book she should be able to finish by tomorrow." He twirled around and pranced on his toes. "How long does this disco fever last?"

"At worst a few more days. You'll be fine." I explained, "Also, sorry for getting you blasted with that cannon in the first place."

"Better you than me!" he exclaimed, "If Twilight didn't get that book this library might be a crater!"

I took a sigh of relief. This crazy night was over, and the adventure was winding down. Tomorrow I'd have the address and could finish the delivery.

"It's pretty late," Stomper said, "Gotta be about 4:00 AM."

"Lucky for me, my hayfry joint is open 24/7!" I chirped as I hopped right past her. She put on a mock scowl and we trotted out of the library. "See you tomorrow spike!" I shouted behind me. Spike did something between a wave and a break dance as the door swung shut.

As we steadily approached my delicious reward for a night of work I noticed something that made my heart sink. A distant, small white dot hung on the door and the lights were off. We approached and my worst nightmare came true.

I sat in utter devastation while Stomper cackled in vindictive joy. Through my tired haze I could barely read the sign that was hung on the fast food joint's door.

"Closed temporarily due to property damage"

In the roof was a confetti cannonball sized hole.

I screamed.

Author's Note

Well, that was very fun to write! Definitely not for everyone but I had a big laugh writing it. Also don't worry if the time period (Twilight not being an alicorn and such ) makes no sense for now, all anachronisms will be explained in due time.

For any poor soul that enjoys this, chapters will be coming at a bi-weekly basis hopefully!

:moustache: (Pictured: me rather chaffed I used the word anachronism)