Mission: Improbable

by The card holder

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Human, Main 6, Lyra, Comedy, Bon-Bon, Crossover
Length: 18453

A certain handsome rogue lives in plain sight in Equestria, with no one the wiser.

It had been about a month since the changeling incident in Canterlot. Everypony is on edge, because stray changelings keep popping up here and there, trying to blend in with the population. Everyone worries that one of their closest friends, or even their family, could not be who they appear to be. But what happens when a pony isn't really that pony...

...but they're not a changeling, either?

Published 2012-08-20 02:44:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-11-24 03:24:28 UTC

Prologue

Some time has passed since the changeling invasion of Canterlot. Five weeks, to be exact.

"I'm heading off to work, Lyra!"

In that time, stray changelings have been discovered hiding amongst the population, for various reasons.

"Alright, I'll stay here. I gotta practice on my lyre for tomorrow, after all!"

All of the discovered changelings were summarily dealt with, but most ponies stay on edge, anyway.

"I'm happy you were invited to play at the Gala, but I still don't know why you were picked. You're not a changeling, are you?"

Still, things have returned to normal, for the most part. Life goes on...

"Of course not, you know that!"

But, even in this time of uneventful peace...

"Alright, then, I'll see you later today!"

There are some strange things happening...

"Bye, Bon-Bon!"

And sometimes, these things are hidden in plain sight.

After Bon-Bon left the house, Lyra started heading to her room. Just as she got to the bottom of the stairs, however, there was a knock at the door. The green unicorn heads back, opening the door. Standing there is Derpy, the town's mailmare, but something seemed off about her. She was shaking a bit, and her face held a forced-looking smile. But most worryingly of all, her normally skewed eyes were actually straight.

"Derpy? Are you alright?"

"Y- Yeah, Lyra, I'm just f-fine." She didn't stop shaking, and Lyra was worried.

"Would you like to come inside?"

"S- Sure, that would be good." As Derpy walked into the house behind Lyra, the unicorn started towards the kitchen.

"Would you like anything to eat, Derpy?"

The grey pegasus pauses before answering. "Y- Yes, I am very hungry."

When Derpy's voice changed mid-sentence, Lyra whirled around just in time to see the pegasus lunge at her, revealing herself to be a changeling in mid-air. It had been starved of love for the past week, and it was desperate enough to take a more direct approach to feeding.

After only the first bite into her neck, Lyra was gone.

As the changeling continued trying to feed, there was a loud electronic noise behind it as a second Lyra faded into the room. The changeling paid the noise no mind, however. The second Lyra is enveloped in a reddish cloud of smoke, lasting for a couple of seconds. When the smoke dissipates, a red-suited masked figure is standing in Lyra's place. silently, he takes out a revolver from his suit. He walks behind the changeling and places the barrel to the back of its head, causing it to stop moving.

"You know," the masked man speaks in a thick French accent, "if you want to have a career in deception..."

He pulls back the hammer of the revolver.

"...you need to work on your technique in Hell."

BANG

The Exposition Chapter

The Spy had just finished disposing of the changeling's corpse. It was quite brittle, actually, making hiding it all the easier. This wasn't the first time he had seen them, nor was it the first time he disposed of one. It was, however, the first time one attacked him.

Leaving the trash can, he looks to the fake corpse of 'Lyra', which was nearly faded away. He had arrived in Equestria a couple of months ago, in an incident involving a teleporter, jarate, the Engineer's Pomson 6000, and a Medic who thought it would be a great idea to uber a Spy. Since then, he had lived right under the ponies' noses. To his knowledge, the only ones who knew about him were the changelings he disposed of, and he plans to keep it that way.

Confident that nothing else would come up, the Spy set up the stairs, heading to Lyra's room. She was currently away in Canterlot, about to play for the Gala; the very same Gala that Bon-Bon thought she was practicing for now. It wasn't easy making sure that news of the real Lyra leaving never spread, but he was rewarded with a disguise that was guaranteed to not draw suspicion, at least for one more day. He didn't want to kill any of the ponies (after all, they were still civilians), he just wanted to find a way back home. So far, however, he had no luck.

Entering Lyra's room, the Frenchman went straight to where the unicorn kept her stash of various pieces of information, both gathered and created, on humans. The Spy had thought it was strange when he first found them, but now he sees it as amusing. Grabbed a book with a faded brown cover, he opened it to the first page. After reading some, he found out that this was a personal journal that Lyra kept. It had the usual reports of things happening to her, as well as the less usual notes on humans, and her theories on them. They were surprisingly close to reality, the Spy noted, but still was a bit off on key things. Near the end, he found what appeared to be a sketch of a human hand. Comparing it to his own, it was rather lumpy and disproportionate. Turning another page, he finds the most recent entry:

I can't believe I was chosen to play at the Gala! This is very good news, and I hope to do my best there. I won't be bringing this journal with me, for a couple of reasons. First, I wouldn't want anypony to find out about my rather eccentric interests in supposed "legends". Also, as much as I want to admit it, I feel that humans might not be real after all. Maybe I'll finally give up this obsession. Or maybe I won't No, I definitely will.

The Spy grinned wickedly. Normally, he wouldn't partake in something like this (it was more like something the Scout would do), but he just couldn't resist. Finding a quill in her desk, he starts writing down something on an empty page.

Dear Lyra, you shouldn't stop believing in us. After all, we are real. We always have been. Some of us have even been right under your nose all this time. Jusqu'à notre prochaine rencontre face à face, je vais regarder.

As a sort of signature, he traces his hand on the opposite page. Still grinning, he puts everything back to the way it was; it was like he was never there at all. Just the way he likes it.

Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. His expression turning serious, the Spy dons the Lyra disguise again. Nearly three months here, and he still wasn't comfortable with walking on all fours to complete the disguise. Grumbling to himself, he heads back out to meet whoever it is who decided to visit.

Sleepover Sabotage

Entering the living room, the Spy headed straight for the door. Opening it, he found that it was the real Derpy, in all her skew-eyed glory.

"Hey, Derpy. What's up?"

"You have some mail!" The pegasus proclaims, before taking out an envelope. The Spy thanks her for it, then he mimics levitating it away, one of the more useful skills he picked up in order to have a more effective disguise. Once Derpy leaves, the Spy inspects the letter further, seeing that it was for Bon-Bon. Naturally, he decided to read it.

Good news, Bon-Bon! I played at the Gala, and I got a standing ovation! I think I might have a spot in next year's, too! I'll be home by tomorrow afternoon, so see you soon!

-Lyra

He was glad that Derpy hadn't read the letter, because then she would see through the disguise. Still, he wanted no loose ends, so he starts to work on a plan. Finding another quill, he works quickly, making sure to match Lyra's hand(hoof? magic?)writing perfectly. Twenty minutes later, he had a newly forged note:

Sorry to leave on such short notice, Bon-Bon, but I had to leave early to make it to the Gala. Hopefully, they'll love me and ask me to play next year, too! If all goes well, I should be back home tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell you all about how it went!

-Lyra

Satisfied with his work, the Spy places the note somewhere in plain sight, before shredding the original letter into the trash. With that out of the way, he needed to figure out where to go for the rest of the day, since Bon-Bon would be home in only a couple of hours.

Glancing outside, he spots a yellow pegasus trotting by... Fluttershy, that's it. She happened to live quite a ways from town; the perfect place to lay low for a bit.

Not taking any chances, the Spy activates his Cloak-and-Dagger before slipping out the back door. He begins to silently trail Fluttershy, making slow progress due to the cloak having to recharge every twenty feet. He hadn't bothered with putting on a new disguise, since he figured he wouldn't need it.

After a few stops, the unwitting pegasus leads the Spy out of town. There were a lot less ponies around, but there was also a lot less cover, so the Spy still traveled at a slow pace. After a few more minutes of following, Fluttershy arrived at her house just outside the Everfree Forest. The Spy had heard about the place, and when he heard about it being unnatural because "the clouds move on their own, and the animals take care of themselves", it took all of his willpower to not burst out laughing. The threats of dangerous beasts, though, was very real, so he gave the forest a wide berth.

While Fluttershy tended to her animals, the Spy stayed hidden, making sure to not accidentally bump into any animals. He was sure they could smell him, but if they did, they didn't seem to care. Despite the pegasus's shyness, she was a surprisingly good amount of information, simply from listening to her talk to the animals. This time, however, she had no useful information, it seemed. He was about to leave, but then there was a clatter of dishes. He whirls around to see what it was, and spots a small rabbit looking up at Fluttershy, a spilled bowl in between them.

"Now, Angel, you should eat your food now, because I won't be here later tonight. I'll be over at Twilight's place, having a sleepover. All my friends will be there, so don't think about begging them for food!"

While this piece of information was practically useless, the Spy still planned to use it. A sleepover, huh? Oh, how he could have fun with this. Really, given his usual line of work, this would let him have a short break while also letting him fine-tune his skills. And besides, this would simply be a load of fun.

Set with this plan, the Spy hides out for the rest of the day at Fluttershy's house, making sure to avoid contact with either her or any of the animals. Once the sun starts setting, the shy pegasus leaves, the Spy on her trail, ready to cause a small bit of havoc tonight.

"Hey, glad you could make it, Fluttershy!"

"Oh, well, I wouldn't want to miss a night with friends, Twilight, you know that." Fluttershy went inside Twilight's library, where the rest of her friends were waiting.

"Nice t' see ya, Fluttershy!" Applejack said. The rest of those attending the sleepover traded greetings with each other, before starting to play various party games. As the sun set below the horizon, a mock campfire had been made in the middle of all of the friends. Unbeknownst to them, an invisible figure was in the room, watching them, waiting for the right moment to strike...

"Alright, let's tell some scary stories!" Rainbow Dash said. She hunches over the fire and begins her story. "There once was a place called Crystal Lake..."

While the cyan mare told her story, the Spy scoped out how the others were reacting to it. Twilight seemed to be analyzing the story, Pinkie Pie was actually standing still for once, Applejack was trying to look like she wasn't scared, as was Rarity, and Fluttershy had all but curled up into a ball.

"...and when they found him, all that was left... was a hoof!"

The others let out shudders, squeaks, and other scared noises. "But it's not over yet..." Rainbow continued, regaining everyone's attention. Pinkie suddenly had a bucket full of popcorn, but none of them questioned her. The Spy, meanwhile, picked out the perfect first target. He got into position, readying his knife.

"She thought he was gone, but suddenly, she could feel was the cold, hard steel of his knife-"

"WAAAAH!" Rarity had jumped nearly six feet into the air, and the Spy had to control his laughter. He had taken the blunt edge of his knife and ran it along her back just as Rainbow got to that part of the story. His cloak had flickered slightly from the contact, but thankfully none of them noticed. Soon, the others recovered from their laughter.

"Oh, Rarity!" Pinkie said. "You shouldn't be a little scaredy-pony!"

"B- But I felt- Oh, nevermind, it's just the atmosphere. Anyway, Rainbow, continue?"

"Nah, I'll let someone else get a turn."

"Don't start without me, girls, I'll go see if Spike's still asleep." Twilight got up and was heading up the stairs. The Spy followed, having a devious idea. When Twilight got to her bedroom, she went to the small bed beside it, finding Spike still fast asleep. Satisfied, she started to go back downstairs-

Just as the handle of a knife came down on her head, knocking her out.

Lifting the unconscious unicorn into her bed, the Spy then put on a disguise to look just like Twilight Sparkle. He took a quick moment to get his voice right, before heading back downstairs. When he got there, all of them (save Fluttershy, who was still curled up) were smiling at him.

"Uh, girls? Why are you smiling at me?"

"Because we agreed to let you tell the next story!" Rainbow spoke up. The Spy could easily see her with a Boston accent.

Outside, it had just started storming, complicating his plans of possible escape. "Well, alright then." He got into position next to the fake campfire, and the rest of the ponies circled around him. He felt a nervous twitch, from being the center of attention, but he moved on regardless. Taking a deep breath, he started his story.

"Once upon a time, there were two brothers, alike in many ways. However, they were also opposites in many other ways; one preferred the color red, while the other, blue. One day, they both inherit their deceased father's land, and promptly begin fighting over it. It started out civilly, as legal battles over the rights, but things quickly escalated into an all-out war."

"Come on," Rainbow complained loudly, "get to the good parts!"

"I'm getting there, alright? Anyway, the two brothers each hired nine soldiers to fight the other. As time went on, the brothers eventually began fighting over their family manor. The place itself was falling apart, but they wanted it simply so the other couldn't have it. Little did they know, that the spirit of their own father was haunting the place, and he was tired of his sons fighting each other. When the nine soldiers from one brother met the other nine from the other, they began fighting yet again. Then, finally fed up with all the fighting, the undead spirit of their father arose from his grave, ready to punish his sons for the senseless battles." Lightning struck outside, causing everyone in the room besides the Spy to jump. "His spirit began killing off all eighteen soldiers, before cornering the two brothers. Just when it seems like all is lost for the two, one of them pushes the other down, and quickly runs away. The other... never got up again." Glancing around the room, the Spy sees the scared reactions of all the ponies. If this plan was going to work, he'd need to wait until the right time. "Having escaped the spirit of his father, the sole survivor of the two brothers began living in isolation, never regretting his decision back at the manor. But, one day, the spirit of his brother arrived, and dragged him screaming into Tartarus, and he was pulled in, never to be seen again..."

Another crash of lightning happens, causing Rainbow Dash to recoil from shock, knocking over the small lamp that was used as a campfire. As the room is plunged into darkness, the Spy uses this time to go invisible, before picking his disguise for the next part. By the time the lamp is upright again, and the five ponies collect themselves, Twilight is gone.

"Uhh... where did Twilight go?" Applejack asks.

"...I dunno. Maybe she went to get some snacks?" Pinkie Pie put in.

"O- Or m- maybe she was taken by the... spirit!" Fluttershy squeaked out.

"D- Don't be silly, 'Shy," Rainbow says, trying to hide the fear in her voice. "I- I'm sure she just had to g- get up for something, y'know?"

While he let the ponies sweat, the Spy found a mirror, and used it to check up on his new disguise. The pumpkin where his head should be had a face carved into it, and it glowed faintly. A giant axe was in his hand, despite him actually only holding the knife. The rest of his body was skeletal, with a cloak drawn over it, as well as large gloved hands and feet. This was going to be hilarious.

Once again going invisible, he heads back to where the ponies all are, finding them backed up in a corner, shivering uncontrollably. Fluttershy was still curled up into a ball.

To draw their attention, the Spy deliberately made a nearby chair creek.

"D- Don't come any closer!" Rainbow said, trying to sound brave despite the fear on her face. They didn't seem to be moving any time soon, so the Spy figured he had to draw them out somehow. Getting out of sight to un-cloak, he disguises his voice to sound like Twilight's.

"Fluttershy, come quick! There's a hurt animal over here!" Almost before he could get into position, the yellow pegasus comes flying around the corner. Upon seeing his disguise, she immediately fainted on the spot. This caught the Spy by surprise, but he just shrugged and went with it as he equipped the visage of the unconscious pegasus. He then trots out as fast as he can on four legs, diving for cover behind the rest of the ponies.

"That's not Twilight, that's not Twilight!" he stammers out in a perfect imitation of Fluttershy's voice. While he cowered behind them, the others took up defensive stances.

"You big meanie! Come out and stop being so scary!" Pinkie Pie challenges. The others voice their support, while Applejack leans down to reassure 'Fluttershy'.

"Calm down, sugarcube. We ain't gonna let it hurt ya, alright?" The Spy whimpers in confirmation, and after a few more seconds, looks up. All of the gathered ponies were some distance away, forming a semi-circle around him, all of them facing away.

Perfect.

Standing up silently, he puts on the previous disguise. None of them notice the smoke, but Rainbow soon notices something else.

"Hey, did it just get brighter in here?"

"A- And why can't Ah hear Fluttershy anymore?"

Slowly, all of them turn around, coming face to face with a grinning pumpkin. To kick things off, the Spy only says a single word:

"Boo."

All at once, the gathered ponies start screaming and running away. Laughing in that deep voice that only the Horsemann himself had, the Spy started chasing the ponies around the library. Apparently, the storm outside was bad enough that they hadn't even considered leaving.

Making liberal use of his cloak, the Spy quickly cornered Rarity, who dramatically fainted. Three down, three to go.

Applejack was a bit of an issue, trying to lasso him, but he managed to tie her up with her own rope, and even stuffed a tablecloth in her mouth to keep her quiet, as well as a blanket over her to block her vision.

Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie put up the most resistance. The pair hadn't split up since the chase began, and Rainbow would constantly fly at the assailant, while Pinkie would throw cupcakes and other pastries (where she got them, the Spy had no clue) at him. Eventually, they had managed to drop a bookshelf on him, which he escaped with the Dead Ringer.

"We," Rainbow panted heavily, "we did it!"

"Yeah, we showed that big bad monster who's-" The pink pony was interrupted by an invisible force grabbing her and pulling her into a side closet. Once in there, the Spy's cloak ran out, making Pinkie's eyes nearly bulge out of their sockets. One knock on the head later, she was out.

Only one to go.

"Pinkie? You alright?"

When Pinkie came skipping out of the closet, Rainbow breathed a heavy sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness you're alright, I thought something else had got you." She turned back around before starting towards the main room of the library. "Say, where do you think that thing is?"

"Right behind you."

Rainbow only had enough time to quickly turn around before getting knocked out herself. With no one else awake in the library (save for Applejack, who was still struggling), the Spy dropped his disguise. He takes out a cigarette and lights it, celebrating a job well done. He had taken the six most powerful ponies here, if the stories about the "Elements of Harmony" were to be believed, and he knocked them all out, one by one. If this was one of his actual jobs, they wouldn't be breathing, either, but he felt it was the same immediate effect.

Making sure that he didn't leave any hints of his presence, he quickly heads downstairs, to Twilight's lab. Once there, he opens up a cluttered closet and makes his way to the very back, completely hidden from sight. Just to be sure, he activates his cloak again before drifting off to sleep. It wasn't the most comfortable spot to sleep, but it was sure better than the barracks at Teufort.

Thinking of the run down desert town made him wonder: how was his team getting along without him?

Meanwhile, somewhere completely different...

"Hey, do any o' ya miss dat old shapeshiftin' rat?"

"Nope."

"Nah."

"Negatory."

"Nein!"

"Mph."

ChapterName4.exe has stopped working

The round had nearly started. The Spy was ready to take the other team's intel, as he usually did. The Announcer counted down...
4...
3...
2...
1...
The doors opened, and the Spy ran out with the rest of RED team. He had just put on a disguise, and was about to cloak, but when he walked outside, he saw one of the worst possible things.

Snipers, some with Razorbacks, others with Jarate.

Scouts with Mad Milk.

Engineers with the Pomson 6000.

And worst of all, Pyros. Dozens upon dozens of them, equipped with various flamethrowers, all of them capable of setting him ablaze with ease. Just as the Spy didn't think it could get any worse, a small message hovered in his peripheral vision:

The Spy promptly rage-quit soon after.

The Spy awoke to the sounds of frustrated grumbling, machinery working, and various papers being shuffled around. Satisfied that his cloak was still up, he slipped out of the supply closet he had slept in to see what was going on.

In the middle of the small lab, Twilight was hunched over a device, channeling magic into it for some unknown purpose. Smirking, he also noticed that she was nursing a sizable bump on her head.

As he stalked into the lab, heading for the door, he froze when the unicorn began speaking. "What...? Something else in the room...?"

...Merde.

"I guess a quick magical scan wouldn't hurt..."

MerdemerdemerdemerdemerdeShit.

Twilight's horn began to glow brighter, as the Spy scrambled to get out of the lab. He gets a better look at the machine that she was using, and all it seems to do is record things. Still, if she did detect him, it would need to be taken care of.

He disguised his voice to make it sound like Spike's, then threw his voice to the door. "Twilight, there's somepony at the door!"

The unicorn suddenly stopped all of her magic, grumbling to herself. "It should be done by the time I get back..." she whispers to herself. As she heads up the stairs, the Spy releases a sigh of relief. Uncloaking, he approaches the machine, which still seemed to be working on something. He could fix that.

Placing a sapper on the offending contraption, he quickly cloaks away, staying pressed to the wall, ready to watch the fireworks (both from the explosion, and from Twilight).

Sure enough, the machine erupts into a shower of sparks and fire, sending parts of it across the room. When Twilight comes rocketing down the stairs to see what the noise was, her eyes grow wide. She began frantically searching through the rubble, looking for a cause for this while babbling incoherently. Soon after, Spike follows her down.

"Wait, Twilight, what was that noi- Oh man, what happened here?"

As the two debated over the cause of this 'accident', the Spy made a stealthy exit back upstairs. Looking around, he sees no sign of the ponies from last night; they must've left already. Looking out the window, the Spy estimated the time to be about eleven AM. More than likely, news of what transpired at the library would have spread by now. The Spy mentally berated himself; even if last night's shenanigans were hilarious, they could potentially blow his cover. When he actually thought about it, he couldn't really think of why he didn't want to be discovered. It probably had something to do with his nature; he always was the one person who could, and would, lie their way out of any situation.

Cloaked, he heads out into the street, taking care not to bump into any ponies. His footsteps were much quieter than a pony's hoofsteps, so he didn't have to worry much about making too much noise.

Up ahead, he spotted Lyra walking along, carrying her saddlebags. She's home early, it seems. Finding nothing else of importance to do, the Spy began following her home. Partially because he wants to see her reaction to his little short message, and partially because he has a sneaking suspicion that this isn't Lyra at all. Either way, it was something to do.

Making sure to not have conflicting stories, the Spy cuts ahead of the green unicorn, heading to her house. There, he sneaks inside silently, looking for Lyra's housemate. To his relief, she had already left for work, it seems. Satisfied with the circumstances, he waits. After a couple of minutes, he hears someone unlocking the door before they call out.

"Bon-Bon, I'm home!" Lyra strode into the living room, looking for her friend. When she didn't find her, she just shrugged and went upstairs, the Spy discreetly following behind. When she got to her room, she started unpacking. With that out of the way, she takes one last look around, as if to check for any prying eyes, and went to her stash. Pulling out her journal, she flips to an empty page, but flips back when she sees some writing that isn't hers. As she reads it, her face contorts in confusion. When she turns the page, seeing the traced hand, her confusion only grows. Her magical grip begins trembling ever so slightly.

"Are they really...?" she mumbles to herself. If it weren't for the fact that he was trying to stay hidden, the Spy would simply walk up to her, uncloaked, and say yes. Instead, he chose a more subtle, funnier option. Positioned right behind her, he whispers into her ear:

"You tell us."

At the sound of his voice, Lyra lets out a short scream and whirls around. The Spy, anticipating this reaction, backed away quickly.

"Who's there?" Lyra called out. "Is somebod- somepony there?"

From here, the Spy went over his options. He could just leave now, and let Lyra worry about this, or he could keep up the act. Deciding, he prepares his 'otherworldly voice' (which let him fool Demoman into thinking the Spy was the "Ghost of Christmas Drinking", one time).

"Yes, we are here," the Spy answers, throwing his voice slightly to give the effect of the sound coming from multiple directions. "We always have been."

Lyra's eyes narrowed to pin pricks. "You mean- I mean, you're saying that humans are real?!?!" she practically shouted.

"Yes, we are." The Spy circled around the room, positioning himself near the window, just in case he needed to make a quick escape. "You have many questions for us, yes?"

For a second, Lyra doesn't respond, and he's actually worried that he might have broken her brain. After a bit of thinking, she belts out question after question. "Where were you this whole time? What can you use your hands for? How do humans get along without magic? Did ponies and humans coexist at one time?" She grabbed her journal, ready to write down any answers.

The Spy thought a bit, before answering. "I cannot answer many questions at this time." Seeing the dejected look on the unicorn's face, he adds, "Fear not, Lyra. We will always be watching, and we can answer your many questions at a later date. But for now, we must go." The Spy swept a bunch of loose papers towards the window, to simulate a wind, and quickly opened it and jumped out. The fall hurt his ankles a bit, but he'd had far worse. Being beaten to death by a fish was just one of the more humiliating kinds of pain he had went through.

As Lyra looked out the window for the mysterious force she just met, the Spy leaned against the wall, curious as to what his teammates were up to...

Meanwhile...

"Mmmmmph mmmmmmph!"

"Jesus, lookit dat Pyro go. You'd think he'd wanna set the whole world on fire."

"Well, as crazy as he is, he's still plenty useful at helpin' me defend mah machines."

"Still, makes ya feel sorry for the poor bastards. Besides, he could burn dat money!"

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much, I'm sure it will all be fi- Aww hell, SENTRY BUSTER!"

"CHARGE NOW DOCTOR!"

"Now go!"

"I AM BULLETPROO

Hunted

Celestia took advantage of this moment of peace. Ever since the wedding incident, she was figuratively (and in one case, quite literally) buried in paperwork, mainly from the occasional changeling popping up and getting caught. On top of that, they had started finding dead changelings recently, and it's fairly obvious that they hadn't starved to death.

As she rubbed her temples with her hooves, she heard the familiar noise of a letter being received. However, instead of the usual tidy scroll that her student normally sent, it was a crumpled up piece of paper that quickly fell to the ground. Confused, she unravels the crumpled paper and starts reading.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Hope you're doing alright. This is just your old friend Saxton, here. I kinda wanted to know how you had been, after the last time I went to your place. I never will forget how, not two hours after my arrival, you pounced me and started to-

A deep blush came over the Princess's face as she skimmed through the letter.

...took me straight to your chambers...

...never will forget your face when you saw the size of...

...before it got all over the place. Anyway, enough reminiscing; time to get to the real reason I sent this letter, instead of arriving in person. I won't bore you with details, but just know that it involves a yeti and an army of robots. Anyway, I re-hired some mercenaries to help me with the aforementioned robot problem, as I am currently dealing with the yeti problem. It has come to my attention that one of those mercenaries has gone missing. After doing some extensive searching, I have concluded that he is currently in that one place, "Ponytown" or something. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it: I need you to find him and deport his French ass back to my dimension. I know that you have the means to do so, after our last meeting, and I trust that you will set to work on finding this merc. Be warned though: He's a wily one, and makes a habit of running and hiding, rather than fighting things head-on like I would. He can even blend in among your pony subjects. And don't worry about missing him. Without any disguises, I'd say he's pretty damn distinct in that world of yours. There's no deadline for this favor, but the sooner, the better.

P.S. Please excuse any yeti blood on this letter. I had to write this while fighting it. Don't worry about me: I'm a master in all 47 kinds of kick-boxing.

This was surprising to Celestia. Not only had one of her interdimensional friends sent her a letter out of the blue, but informed her that there was one of the people under his employment hiding among her subjects. At just that time, a guard came in.

"Your majesty, there's a pony asking to see yo- Are you alright, Princess?"

"Yes, I'm fine." Her gaze hardened. "Bring me the best guards you can find. We're going on a spy hunt."

"Yes, Princess." The guard left, and the Princess began to write a letter to her faithful student.

After leaving Lyra to question what just happened, the Spy headed towards the Carousel Boutique. It was a good source of information- Except it wasn't. It was a good place to hide out- No, it wasn't that, either. Maybe he could go there and-

Oh, who am I kidding. He wanted to look at what hats Rarity had made lately. He had yet to find any that fit his interest, but it never hurt to check. After all, what better souvenir to bring from another dimension?

Silently stalking inside, he scopes out the building. Rarity was working on some dresses, which he mostly ignored. Instead, he went to another room, where he knew she kept her current projects. There were the usual assortment of half-done dresses, as well as a few unfinished headwear items laying around, although none of them suited the Spy's tastes. He was about to give up on another hat search, when he saw it.

It was a plain white fedora. Judging by the nearby piles of gems, it was early in development. Still, the way it was right now was just perfect.

Making sure there was no one around, the Spy uncloaks and picks up the hat. He admires it for a while, then puts it on. It's a little small, but he could get used to it. His team won't be able to do anything but envy this hat.

...At least, if he can get back. That was still a bit of a problem.

Fitting the new acquisition on his head, he uncloaks and slips out the window. Figuring that Rarity would be busy for the next few hours, he ducked into a back alley and put on her likeness. Once out in the street, properly disguised, he made his way to the rear of the library. Taking a quick peak in the windows, he sees nothing out of the ordinary and goes to the door. He knocks, then waits. After a few moments, Spike opens the door and immediately begins going head over heels over his disguise. "Hi, Rarity..."

The Spy was no stranger to people fawning over him, both in and out of disguise (especially out of disguise), but it still made him a bit uncomfortable. "Hello, Spike. Is Twilight here?"

Spike murmurs something similar to a "yes" and leads 'Rarity' inside. After a few awkward seconds, Twilight comes up from the basement.

"Hello, Twilight. Have you found anything out about what happened last night?"

"Not yet, Rarity. I was knocked out before anything happened, though; are you sure that there really was some pumpkin monster thing, and you and the girls aren't just playing an elaborate prank on me?"

"Oh heavens no!" The Spy began to emulate Rarity's overly dramatic tendencies. "I saw it with my own two eyes! I would never lie to you about something like this, Twilight!"

Twilight is about to say something else, when Spike suddenly burped up a scroll in a burst of green flame. A bit of it caught on the Spy's suit, which he quickly patted out; luckily, neither of them saw.

"A letter from the princess?" Twilight picked up the scroll with her magic and unrolled it. She then started reading it out loud. "'My faithful student, it has come to my attention that a certain individual from another dimension is hiding out in Ponyville. This being is able to blend in almost seamlessly with the population, so be on the look out. Please note that this creature is not a changeling, but something else entirely. If you find anything, please let me know. I will be sending a group of spy hunters, the best of the Royal Guard, to Ponyville in order to search for this being. Good luck, Princess Celestia.'"

The Spy was internally panicking. They knew. He didn't know how they had found out about him, but somehow, the princess had learned of his existence here.

"Oooh, spy hunters?!" The sudden appearance of Pinkie Pie made Twilight, the Spy, and Spike all jump in surprise. "Oh, oh, do they have cool cars with rockets and stuff?!"

"Pinkie, why would-"

"Ooh, please tell me they at least have a theme song!" She then took a record player out of nowhere and put on a vaugely familiar tune. Twilight snatched up the record.

"We don't have time for this, Pinkie! We could have a serious problem on our hooves!" Suddenly, there's more knocking at the door.

"Twilight, darling, are you in there?"

The Spy's blood went cold. This is exactly what he wanted to avoid.

"Wait, if that's Rarity out there, then why is-" Pinkie's thinking was interrupted by 'Rarity' making a mad dash out the window. The situation was desperate; he didn't care for being subtle at the moment. As he crashed through the glass, he cloaked as fast as he could. While he was still visible, he made an all out run in a random direction. Once he was fully transparent, however, he stopped dead in his tracks and ducked into an alley. He hoped that his little maneuver faked them out, made them think he was still running away, and it seemed to work. Twilight ran outside and explained things quickly to the nearby ponies, causing them to go on a search for the Spy.

As the Soldier would say it, things have gone FUBAR. At least his team didn't have to deal with this...

Meanwhile...

"'Ey, Hardhat."

"Yeah?"

"I've been wond'rin', why does th' author keep cuttin' to us at th' end o' chapters?"

"I figure it's 'cause the gimmick was funny the first couple times, and now he's hopin' to get a runnin' gag made of it."

"At least it's a decently funny runnin' gag..."

"Say, Scout, something just occurred t' me."

"What?"

"If you're here, who's collectin' all that money?"

"...aw, crap."

School of Interrogation: Lesson 342

While ponies fanned out in search of the Spy, he was skulking in the alleys, completely invisible. He had a few close calls with nosy ponies, but he had yet to be found out. As Sugarcube Corner came into view, the Spy noticed a certain pink mare standing out front. Looking behind him, he confirms his suspicions when he sees Pinkie Pie searching under a bale of hay. He wasn't the only one hiding, here.

Turning back to the bakery, he slips forward as the fake pony heads inside. He follows silently, waiting to see where they go. When she starts descending the stairs to the storage room in the basement, the Spy follows closely behind.

Once 'Pinkie' is in the middle of the dimly-lit basement, the Spy acts. He quickly rushes in, shutting the door behind him. The sudden noise causes the pony to whirl around.

"Hel- ahem- Hello?" He had heard that dropped voice, cementing his belief that this was a changeling. Acting quick, he grabs a nearby chair and some unused rope (what it was doing down here, he decided not to think about). With speed that could rival the Scout's, he manages to push 'Pinkie' into a chair and tie her to it securely. The pink mare is heavily confused by this, and starts struggling to get out. It was in vain, however; when it came to tying someone up, the Spy had some experience. He also had experience in extracting information from people. Uncloaking, he strides forward, undisguised, smoking a cigarette as he always did.

"What are you?" the false Pinkie asks. After a moment of hesitation, she adds, "Oh! Do you want me to throw you a party? Because I love parties, yep yep! And I'll invite all of Ponyville so they can meet the new-"

"Oh, please, just SHUT UP." The Spy took his still lit cigarette and ground it into the pony's forehead, causing it to scream and reveal itself to be a changeling. The Spy smirked. "Now, then, I could just kill you right now..." He absentmindedly twirled his knife around to intimidate the changeling. "...or..." He points the blade right at the creature's neck. "...you can tell me what I want to know. Understand?"

The changeling squirmed. "I'll never betray my queen!"

The Spy smirked. "So, the queen is still alive? That's something good to know." The creature went silent in realization of his mistake. "But that's not all I want," the Spy continues. "You see, recently, it appears that the princess has found out about my existence." He begins to pace around the subdued changeling. "I've also noticed a lot of you... changelings... out and about. Rest assured, they were dealt with." The Spy could see the shivers running up its spine. Wait, do changelings even have a spine? Oh, sorry, there's things happening.

The Spy looked up into seemingly nothing for a moment, annoyed, before resuming his slow pacing. "Now, I feel that the two may not be unrelated." He comes to a stop in front of a jar of salt. He grins wickedly, dipping the blade of his knife inside. "Now, if you tell me what I want to know, you can be on your way."

"Burn in Tartarus."

The Spy grinned. "Wrong answer." He stabs the salt-covered blade into the changeling's leg. Since it had an exoskeleton, he had to stab a bit harder that he normally would. His effort was met with success as the creature whimpered in pain from the knife, before screaming in agony from the salt. Apparently, salt was corrosive to a changeling's insides, as its leg became heavily swollen and blistered, cracking away more of the exoskeleton.

"Now, will you tell me where your little changeling hive is?"

The changeling struggled with more pain before answering. "N- Never."

"Alright then, we've got plenty of time." He then reached down to the exposed exoskeleton and pulled-

BRAVE CUT! Hello, Saxton Hale here, to say that the following scene was determined to be too graphic for this audience. I don't care if "Cupcakes" was much worse, this is even worse than that. So instead of subjecting the audience to the more grueling details, enjoy this picture I found in some old photo albums in my attic.

Egads! That Spy is quite the expert at torture! Believe me, I should know after my little escapade into the heart of hippie country. Safe to say, there were no survivors. Wow, I didn't know that spook had it in him to do that! I like him a little more now. Wait, is he going to- AHAHAHA! He did! Bloody hell, this is awesome. I feel sorry for anyone who misses this. Oh, hey, it's over. We now return to your normal programming.

He sprinkled more salt into the wound while simultaneously pulling on the piece of glass stuck in its eye-

Woah! I thought we were past this scene! Bidwell, why did you say we were clear? Well, I think that if you don't shape up your act, then the gorillas will have someone new to wrestle! Sorry about that, folks. Bidwell can be a bit of, as the Americans say, a "dumbass" at times. Then again, he has had good business ideas before. When he suggested to me that we let those mercs make their own weapons, I thought he was crazy, and look how that turned out! Wait, is it over now? Are you sure this time? Okay then, we now resume your regular programming.

The Spy wiped some stray changeling blood off his suit. He had just finished interrogating the insectoid creature, and it was now a quivering mess. Its legs were all but stripped of their exoskeletons, there was salt boiling in a majority of its wounds, and one of its eyes was poked out by a shard of glass. Its wings were simply torn from its back, and, strangely, there was flour all over him.

The Spy got what he wanted from the interrogation. He had finally gotten the changeling to spill the fact that the hive was not too far from the Sweet Apple Acres farm. "Thank you for this bit of information," he says, pulling out the revolver. "But now..." He pulls back the hammer and points the barrel at the changeling's mangled face. "I must bid you adieu."

BANG

For some reason that he couldn't possibly fathom, no one seemed to notice the screaming coming from the basement of Sugarcube Corner. Out of sight, he adjusts his fedora on his head before cloaking and heading outside. The search for him had winded down a bit, but now there were Royal Guards posted at odd intervals along the street. They seemingly scanned any of the ponies that passed them with their magic, looking for the French infiltrator. He slips by hastily, going in the direction of Sweet Apple Acres. Once out of town, he disguises himself as a random pony before heading out; progress would be faster this way, without him having to recharge his cloak by standing still.

Going off to the farm, he ponders if the changelings really were involved in his cover being blown. Even if they weren't, he needed to lay low for a bit. What better place to hide than among other shape shifters?

Meanwhile, yet again...

"Mmmph mph mph mmmph!"

"I have no bloody clue what you're sayin'."

"Mmmmph! Mph mph!"

"Really, I can't understand a word you're sayin'. Just show me what it is, already, Pyro."

"Mmmph mph mph..."

Spy has found: Fancy Fedora

"...So what? That spook found a hat. Lucky bastard..."

"Mmmmph!! Mph!!!"

"Look, Pyro, I would care about the Spy, but I'm a bit busy being stabbed by the Spy-bots you keep missing. GAAAAAAAH!"

"Mphmph mph mph..."

On the Run

The entire walk towards Sweet Apple Acres had been uneventful. There were a few pegasi that flew overhead, but none of them landed to question the stallion trotting in the direction of the barn. The Spy figured this was for the best; after all, he'd hate to have to be discovered now.

As if fate itself was plotting against him, a single bolt of magic hit him from behind, knocking him to the ground. When he opened his eyes, he saw the cardboard mask he used for his disguise, as well as his fedora, on the ground in front of him.

"Halt!" a masculine voice commands behind him. "Stay right where you are!"

"I think not." The Spy quickly grabbed his hat and rolled off the road. Once up on his feet again, he cloaks, running as fast as he could into the bushes. Blasts of magic barely missed him as he ducked branches and hopped over roots. His cloak had run out, making him appear as a conspicuous red blur, but he didn't bother to take it off. As the chase went on, the Spy found that he had ended up behind the barn at Sweet Apple Acres. He keeps running, hugging the wall in case some way to escape happens to open up. Just as he passes by some barrels filled with cider, a blast of magic hits it, causing the cider to leak onto his watch, shorting the cloak out.

"Merde."

Now in full sight, the Spy kept on running. Stealing a few glances behind him, he spotted a quite large amount of guard ponies chasing him. It would take some effort to shake all of them.

"What in the hay is going on out here!" Or, it would take a conveniently-timed Applejack. Thinking quickly, the Spy spotted a window above the orange mare, going into the barn. He hadn't practiced parkour since he was around the Scout's age, but now was a good a time as any to refresh himself on it. He jumps onto Applejack's back before leaping to the open window. The farm mare yells out in complaint, as one would to having someone use them as a spring board.

Crashing into a pile of hay, the Spy quickly untangles himself and heads to the other side, where a door waited. He tried to re-activate his cloak, only to find that it was still rebooting. Muttering to himself about "flimsy Mann Co. equipment", he sprints outside, back into the foliage. The guards were a bit behind him, now, but they were still quickly gaining.

Entering a clearing, he spots a club house situated in the middle. Seeing an opportunity, he quickly hoists himself inside. Crouching out of sight from the window, he hears the guards enter the clearing. He tenses up when one of them starts to go into the club house, when another guard speaks up.

"Why would he be in there?"

"You never know, man, Celestia said he was an expert at hiding."

"Exactly. An expert wouldn't hide in there! It's too obvious!"

The guard agreed and went away, fanning out with the rest of the guards. Once they all left the clearing, the Spy breathed a sigh of relief. He turns to leave through the small door, but finds it's occupied.

Three fillies, which he recognized as the Cutie Mark Crusaders, were standing there, staring in shock at the human.

Both parties stayed completely still, waiting for the other to do something. Eventually, the Spy glanced at his cloak and saw that it was working again. Looking back to the fillies, he says one thing before cloaking away:

"You saw nothing."

The moment he was completely invisible, he leaped out the window he came in through. Soon after, the Crusaders started to look in and all around the club house for the mysterious intruder. While they talked of getting "weird animal finding" cutie marks, the Spy went deeper into the forest. Despite this little hiccup in his plan, he was still dead set on finding that changeling hive and getting some answers.

*beep beep beep*
"Say, Heavy?"
*beep beep beep*
"Da?"
*beep beep beep*
"Why are ya back here with me, instead of killing robots up near the front?"
*beep beep beep*
"I am getting too old and giant for running around. Beside, dispenser helps keep Sasha full of bullets."
*beep beep beep*
"Here's something I've been wondering: if this is a decoy, why exactly are we defending it like it's the real deal?"
*beep beep beep*
"...I do not know."

"Don't all die at once!"
*beep beep beep*
"Welp, I guess that means we got incoming."
*beep beep beep*
"Da. I am ready for them."

*beep beep-BEDEEP*

A Wretched Hive of Scum and Villainy

If you were to ask him later about his search for the hive, the Spy would say that he found it with little problem. In reality, however, it took him the better part of three hours. Of those three hours, at least ten minutes were spent hunting some wild animals for food, something the Spy would rather forget. Regardless, he had finally found what appeared to be the changeling hive: a large cave with various green masses of unknown purpose waiting just inside. If he listened closely, the Spy could hear the sound of chattering coming from deep inside.

Erring on the side of caution, he applies a changeling disguise before heading inside, still cloaked. Soon after, he had to wait a few moments for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. With his night-vision now slightly better, he pushes forward. As he progressed, the sound of many, many changelings grew louder and louder. Eventually, he managed to find the source of the noise: a huge cavern, filled to the brim with chattering changelings. Even the walls were cluttered with the insectoid creatures. Amidst all the commotion, none of them noticed when one more changeling appeared seemingly out of nowhere at the back of the pack.

After a few minutes of constant noise and movement, they were all silenced by a loud, commanding voice.

"Silence!"

After the constant noise, the following silence was deafening. At the front of the cavern was the changeling queen herself, who had bellowed the command.

"Only a few months ago, we were forcibly ejected from the pony capital that is Canterlot. Now... It is time that we strike back!"

The assembled changelings cheered loudly before quieting down again.

"We have agents all over the areas surrounding Canterlot, who could not make it to this gathering, for they were too deep undercover." At the back of the crowd, a single changeling smirked. "Regardless, they know what the plan is, and we shall carry out that plan in only a few short days, and we will have all the love we can eat!"

The crowd applauds again, save for a single changeling near the front who raises its hoof. Seeing this, Chrysalis's expression grows bored. "Yes, what is it?"

The offending creature timidly steps forward. "Uh... How exactly does, umm, taking over Equestria let us feed on all the love in it? And w- why do we go straight for Canterlot? Just because the c- capital falls doesn't mean that the rest of the country falls apart... r- right?"

Chrysalis seems to think this over for a few moments, then speaks. "While those are valid points, I want you to answer a question for me."

"Anything, my queen!"

"Do you know what the difference between choking and strangulation is?"

After giving the crowd a quick demonstration on the difference between choking someone and strangling someone ("Choking is when they get a piece of food stuck in their throat."), the queen returned to giving rousing speeches to her subjects. This continued for half an hour, the Spy subtly making his way to the front the whole time.

Apparently, he may have gone too far to the front, as Chrysalis picked him out of the crowd. "You there, step forward!"

The Spy does so, hoping against hope that he wouldn't be found out. "Y- Yes, my queen?" He finds it hard to speak in the same scratchy tone of voice as the changelings.

"You seem... different. Why is that?"

While it appeared that he was shuffling nervously, the Spy was really moving his hand a bit closer to his vest pocket. "What do you mean?"

"It's simple, really." She grins. "Just who were you hoping to fool with that disguise?"

What happened next occurred in only one second. The Spy removed his disguise while withdrawing his revolver, and Chrysalis levitated that same revolver from his hand the same moment a shot was fired, the bullet hitting the ceiling uselessly. Immediately after, the Spy flicked open his knife and held it in a ready stance. Around them, the changelings chittered angrily at the newly-discovered intruder.

"I must say, you did well to avoid detection this long," Chrysalis spoke.

The Spy smirked menacingly. "If only your changelings weren't so pathetic at staying hidden."

The queen's expression went dark. "So it was you who had been exterminating my children?"

"You could say that."

Around them, changelings started moving towards the human intruder. Chrysalis tossed the revolver away unceremoniously to the ground, as the Spy watched it, unmoving.

"So tell me, what were you hoping to accomplish by coming here?"

"To be quite honest, I'm not sure. I just want to find a way to go home."

"Well, then, allow us to escort you back home... to Tartarus."

All at once, the assembled changelings lunge at the Spy. He quickly gets to his revolver and grabs it just in time to blow the head off an attacking changeling. In a matter of three seconds, all six cylinders were emptied, forcing the Spy to hastily reload. He didn't have much ammo with him, so he flicked his knife back out and began stabbing.

Meanwhile, Chrysalis sent a telepathic message to all her children, and began casting a spell. A simple spell, that would get rid of this strange creature for good.

As soon as they had attacked, the changelings were leaving. The slightly injured Spy was wondering why, when he looked up to see a large collection of rocks falling towards him.

"Mon dieu..."

Now that he was dealt with, Chrysalis began working to set her plan into motion. Due to this little... altercation, she decided to move her plan up a couple of days. She may have lost a few more changelings to that creature, but at least now it was dead.

The queen laughed evilly as she and her children headed out of the hive, thinking about what to do once she had taken over the kingdom...

Amidst the rubble, an electronic noise could be heard within the new giant pile of rocks on the floor. Soon after, a badly beaten, but still breathing, Spy managed to push his way out of the rubble. Out of habit more than anything, he whimpered a single word:

"Medic..."

"Doctor! Eyes forward!"

"Oh, sorry, I thought I heard somezing."

"Now, as I was saying, the robots are coming yet again! We've killed plenty of them, but I have reason to believe that they will be stronger this time! With this in mind, I task each and every one of you maggots to do these things! Engi, build your sentries! Pyro, burn those metal bastards! Scout, collect that money! Medic, heal me and Heavy! Heavy, keep your gun spitting lead!"

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that's th' same thing that we've been doin' for the past-"

"Don't give me back talk, you cowardin' Canadian! Now, any questions? Yes, Pyro?"

"Mmph mmmmphmph mph mph?"

"Yes, your job is to burn things."

"No, dumbass, I'm pretty sure 'e was askin' why the hell you're wearin' your Halloween get-up."

"There is a perfectly reasonable and not insane reason for that, city boy! Since that French coward still hasn't shown up, I have taken the liberty of being our team's new Spy!"

"...That is the dumbest thing I have ever-"

"The robots are here! Defend Mann Co.!"

"Look alive, people! We got incoming! I will get into position now! Beep. Beep. Boop. Bleep. Bloop. I am a robot. I have come to take American jobs."

Insurance Fraud

Trixie was not enjoying her time in this forest. It was bad enough that Twilight Sparkle had embarrassed her in front of the entire town of Ponyville, but now she had to live in her trailer in the middle of the Everfree Forest. Not that she had any other choice: it was the only place where she could study about magic in peace. The showmare was determined to show that Twilight just what she could do!

At least, that was her plan. In practice, it added up to her having to scavenge out for food half the time, and hiding in her trailer while various creatures skulked outside (But she wasn't scared. Only... conservative about her interactions with the animal populations). There was hardly any time to learn new spells, but she stayed anyway, determined to be successful. After all, there was little else to do out here; she knew she was completely isolated.

So imagine her surprise when, after a rather lengthy trip for some food, she happened to see a badly injured stallion limping nearby. He spotted Trixie, and hobbled over.

Despite his injuries, he spoke rather calmly. "Hey, y- you're that Trixie pony, right? I'm a big fan."

Trixie was caught off guard by this stallion's sudden appearance, and his apparent ignorance for his injuries, yet the mention of him being a fan of hers filled her with pride. "Yes, that is me. What are you doing out here?"

"Th- That's not important." The unknown stallion winced and took a few deep breaths. "What I mean to say, is, would you kindly help me out with this?"

This was... unusual. A random stallion just happened to wander up to her home in the forest, and was asking for medical attention. True, it seemed like he needed it, but she couldn't help but feel that something was... off about him. Ignoring her suspicions, she answered. "Yes, anything for a fan of the Great and Powerful Trixie!" She led him inside her trailer, where she immediately began searching through her assorted spell books for something that would help. She didn't have any first-aid supplies, due to her short-sighted mindset that she wouldn't need any, so she hoped to find a spell that would prove useful.

Eventually, she flipped to what she hoped would work in the situation. "Alright, now stand still, and let Trixie try this," she instructed the stallion. He obliged as her horn lit up with magic. After taking time to concentrate her energy into the spell, a blue beam shot out of her horn, going into the injured stallion. At first, he was confused, but confusion gave way to relief as his multiple bruises and cuts began to disappear, as if they never existed in the first place. Once he was fully healed, the beam separated from the stallion and retracted back into Trixie's horn. Once it had completely dissipated, she collapsed slightly from exhaustion.

"Thank you so much, Trixie!" the stallion proclaims while shaking his fore legs around, as if to make sure they still worked. Before the showmare could respond, he bounded out the door.

"H- Hey! Wait!" She started to give chase, but stopped to put her spell book back in its rightful place. Once that was done, she ran outside. She expected to find the stallion galloping away, but instead she found him balanced on his hind legs, leaning back on her trailer. A cigarette was in his mouth, somehow lit despite the lack of ways to ignite it.

"...What are you still doing here?" a flabbergasted Trixie asked.

The stallion took the cigarette into his hoof before answering. "There was just one more thing I wanted to say to you, Trixie." Placing the cigarette back to his mouth, he inhaled a long drag before he let the smoke out in one smooth breath. At the same time, a cloud of reddish smoke enveloped him, shocking Trixie into silence. When the smoke clears, a bipedal, suited, masked figure wearing a white fedora stood in the stallion's place, still holding the cigarette. In a new, heavily-accented voice, he speaks:

"Thank you for being such a dear friend."

With that, the mysterious figure flicks his cigarette away and walked away. As Trixie watches, paralyzed from shock, he walks a few feet away before disappearing from sight completely. She stands there in silence for another minute, before she went back into her trailer, muttering, "That's the last time I eat those mushrooms..."

"Alright, hard-hat, whaddya got that's so damn important, and why did Pyro need to come in?"

"Simple. A machine that can translate what Pyro says."

"Mmph?"

"Yeah, Pyro. Now we can finally understand what the hell you're sayin'."

"Okay, I gotta admit, that's pretty cool, if it works."

"Oh, I'm pretty sure it will. Now just stand here, Pyro, let me plug this in... put this here... insert these wires into the port... There we go! Now, Pyro: say something."

"Mphmph."

"Hello."

"It works! Holy crap, we can understand that mumbling freak now! Err, no offense."

"Mmph mmphmph."

"None taken."

"How'd ya do that anyway, hard-hat?"

"Oh, I just took the voice boxes out of some of them robots, and worked some of my magic on them all, and threw this together. It's not entirely finished, though; I still have to make a version that is portable, and all."

"Still, I guess it's as good a place t' start as any. Now, Pyro?"

"Mphmph?"

"Yes?"

"I've been dyin' to ask you, and sorry if I offend, but... are you a chick? Ohgodpleasedon'tsetmeonfire."

"...Mmph, mmph mph mrmph mph mmmphmmmph mmmph, mph mrph mmphmph mph mmmph mph!"

"No."

"...oh."

"Well, that was... anticlimactic."

Re-Infiltration

Now that he was fully healed, the Spy started heading back to Ponyville. Honestly, finding Trixie out in the middle of the woods was a stroke a good luck. The fact that she happened to know a spell that was alarmingly similar to the Medic's medi-gun beam was something else entirely. As far as he knew, the changelings still thought he was dead back in the cave. This wasn't the first time he was mistaken for dead, but it was the first time that he'd have to deal with an entire colony. A bit trickier than just stabbing an oblivious Heavy in the back, but he would find a way.

While he was lost in thought, he almost didn't notice that he had stumbled into Ponyville. His cloak unwavering, he begins skulking down the streets. He noted that there were much fewer guards around, now; maybe only one for every block, and they didn't seem to be scanning every pony that passed by like they were before. Still, it was best to err on the side of caution, so err he did.

As he waited next to a wall while his cloak recharged again, the Spy spotted Bon-Bon walking past. The sight of the cream colored mare gave the human an idea. It was far-fetched, and it would take some time, but if he played his cards just right, he could get home at last.

Quietly, the Spy slipped into Lyra's house. Unfortunately, the door made an audible creak upon closing, causing the Spy to flinch and listen.

"Bon-Bon? You back already?"

The Spy silently let out a breath. Since Lyra was home, it would slightly complicate his plans, but it was nothing he couldn't handle. Not making a sound, he crept up the stairs as Lyra seemingly paced about in her room. Soon after he reached the top, the mare's door swung open as she went down those same stairs.

"Hello? Anypony?"

The Spy took this time to swing into her room and grab her journal. He noticed that there were a few new entries, predictably talking about her "encounter with the spirit of the lost humans!" He also noticed that the page with his "signature" was ripped out, no doubt placed in some kind of scrapbook.

Just as he replaced the journal, Lyra re-entered the room. She just barely saw her journal slide into place, and it threw her into a slight panic.

"What- Who's there?!" All at once, she calmed down and spoke almost in a whisper. "I... Is it you?"

Getting back into his "power from the beyond" voice, the Spy responded. "Yes, Lyra, it is me." He jumped slightly when the door slammed and a paper and quill flew out of the desk, floating by the unicorn's head.

"Tell. Me. Everything about humans! Please?" The face that Lyra made would've given lesser men heart attacks. In fact, the Spy was certain it would have spelled his doom, if it weren't for the... modifications that Medic had seen fit to "volunteer" the whole team for.

"In due time, eager one. But, I can tell you this right now: You know the one called Twilight Sparkle?"

"Y- Yes. What about her?"

"If you wish to find out more about humans, you must start with her. She would no doubt be useful for gathering data for you."

The unicorn froze like a deer in headlights. This wasn't unnoticed. "Is there something the matter, Lyra?"

Her earlier enthusiasm had all but disappeared. "Well, I... I've never... told anyone about my... hobby... before..."

This wasn't surprising, given how much she hid her research and stuff. "Then how else do you expect to learn more about us? Twilight is the most knowledgeable pony in town. You know that."

"Well, yeah, I guess..."

"So what are you waiting for?"

The green mare looked up, confusion evident in her eyes. "Huh?"

"You want to find out more about humans, right?"

"Well, yes, but-"

"Then go to Twilight now. Ask her for help."

"But- But what if she laughs at me?"

"I wouldn't worry about that. Besides, I'll be watching the entire time."

She lets out a sigh. "Fine. I- I'll do it."

"Good. And remember..." The Spy passed directly by Lyra's ear and whispered, without the voice: "Ne vous inquiétez plus, mon petite chou-fleur."

When he saw the blush on her cheeks, the Spy grinned. He wasn't sure if it was because she understood him, or simply from his tone of voice, but either way, it meant that, even after months of hiding among pastel colored ponies, he still hadn't lost his touch.

As the unicorn silently left the house, the Spy invisibly followed. Once she reached Twilight's library, she went to knock on the door, but paused.

"I don't know if I can do it..." she whispered to herself just loud enough to be heard by the Spy. In response, he simply whispered a "You can do it" in her ear before backing away. Once she gathered up her nerve, Lyra knocked on the door. The Spy watched as she asked Twilight if she could help her learn about humans. Although surprised, Twilight agreed, just as he thought she would. Just before Lyra heads inside, she turns and gives the Spy a thankful smile. Well, she gave the space to the left of him a smile, but he understood regardless.

After they had started reading something-or-other, the Spy set off to his next objective. Chrysalis said that she would attack Canterlot again. That meant he had a train to catch.

"Keep it up, fellas, we're almost there!"

"Bleep. Beep. Robot noises."

"For the last frickin' time, dumbass, they ain't fallin' for it."

"Then why do they keep dying then, huh, funny man?"

"Because you just blow them up with your damn rocket launcher like ya always do!"

"Will you two quit your bickerin'! We only got one more giant Demo left, and we're home free!"

"I AM READY FOR METAL GIANT!"

5 minutes later...

"...where is metal giant?"

"...I don't know, Heavy. Hey, Scout, wanna go take a look?"

"I got it, I got it. Come on, you robot bastard. Where the hell are-"

"Yer all bloody dead!"

"Aw cra-"

*BOOM*

"Scout is dead!"

"Aw, dammit, is that bot stuck again? You'd think they'd make smarter robots than that!"

"Never fear, I shall sneak up on it and take care of the problem! I am a robot. Hasta la vista.... Feliz Navidad."

"Ahm gonna blast ya into thin glue!"

"Oh no. I am terrified."

The Spy-Train has no Brakes

Getting on the train was easy, since there were no guards checking for imposters or invisible people. Soon after the train started moving, the Spy noticed that he wasn't the only one who wasn't supposed to be there. In one of the train cars, nearly every seat was taken. Both doors were locked, forcing the Spy to climb up top and hang over the side, to look into one of the windows. It was dangerous as hell, but the French saboteur was no stranger to severe disregard for life and limb.

After getting in position, he can see that every single one of the ponies in this car were changelings, one of which happened to be the queen herself. They seemed to be discussing something, but he couldn't hear what they were saying, due to the wind rushing past his ears. Still, confirmation that there were changelings on board was all he really needed to know.

Now there was the problem of getting back to safer ground.

Pulling himself up wasn't an option, as he lacked the strength to do it while moving at high speeds on the side of a train. So the Spy settled on shimmying to the side, to get his feet back onto the platform just outside the car. Now that he wasn't in mortal danger anymore, he decided to try and pick the lock to the door of the changeling-filled car. With any luck, he might be able to thwart this invasion before it even happens.

He didn't have any lockpicks on him (there were practically no use for them as a hired mercenary for Reliable Excavation Demolition), so he had to use his knife to pick the lock. It was difficult, to say the least; the knife was almost twice as big as the lock on the door, and he had to try to stay quiet, so the changelings inside don't hear his efforts. They probably still think he's dead, and he'd like to keep it that way for as long as possible.

Suddenly, the train entered a tunnel, reducing his vision to zero. Muttering a few choice words, the Spy fumbles blindly to the side of the platform, in case any ponies try to come through while he has no eye-sight.

Almost as soon as his eyes finally adjusted to the dark, the train leaves the tunnel, blinding him in the sunlight. Today just wasn't his day.

Once he could open his eyes without burning his retina, the Spy saw that they weren't that far from Canterlot. Disembarking could pose a problem, he figured, what with the huge crowds of ponies going both too and from the train. He figured he could just disguise and blend in, while discreetly following the disguised changelings. The only problem with that plan was the fact that he didn't know who the changelings would disguise as. Still, it was better than nothing.

However, moments before the train stopped at the Canterlot station, a new, simpler plan occurred to the Spy. Before the train was fully stopped, he jumped off, still cloaked, and climbed up a pole, allowing him a decent vantage point while keeping him away from accidentally bumping into anyone and revealing his cloaked form. As he waited, he kept his eyes on the changelings' car. Whoever came out of that, he would follow, namely the one that looked the most important, who he guessed would be the queen.

After a few minutes of waiting, all of the train cars were emptied. Amidst the confusion, the Spy nearly missed the tall pegasus leaving the changeling car. Applying the disguise of a certain green unicorn's roommate, he uncloaks in a back alley and blends into the crowd. Spotting the same white pegasus, he discreetly follows her into the city of Canterlot.

"Scout, what in Sam Hill are you doin'?"

"What, ya never seen a man bring a pan to a gunfight before?"

"...No, actually. What I'm wonderin' is, why you gonna use that against them robots?"

"It's gotten too easy, lately, you know? Besides, I wanna see what happens when I fully upgrade this bad boy."

"...You upgraded... a frying pan?"

"Yep."

"To swing faster?"

"Uh-huh."

"...I have nothing to say to that."

"In that case, let's go, let's go, let's go!"

150 seconds later...

"Here they come! Destroy those robots!"

"Ah hell, we got a tank!"

"Watch and learn, people! This is how Scout takes down a tank!"

"That's a really bad idea, Sco-"

*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*CLANG*

Changeling Chasing in Canterlot

Following the disguised Chrysalis started off easy enough for the Spy. Soon, however, he lost sight of her amidst the crowds. No matter how hard he searched, he couldn't tell which pony was a disguised changeling; it seems that he had killed off all the ones bad at hiding.

Merde...

Still, he had an idea about where she would go. The castle, namely wherever Celestia was. Getting the castle in sight, the Spy set off on his brief quest to stop a changeling revolu-

"Bon-Bon? Is that you?"

The Spy mentally cursed his luck. Of course he would run into the one pony who would recognize Bon-Bon in Canterlot. Turning, he came face to face with a gray earth pony mare with a treble cleft on her flank; Octavia, if he remembered correctly. He had seen her around Ponyville occasionally, but she didn't seem to stay that often.

"It is you! Tell me, how has Lyra been?"

In retrospect, Bon-Bon probably wasn't the best disguise he could've picked. For some reason, he could never get her voice right, despite the fact that he had mimicked many, many different voices recently. Strangely, no one seemed to notice.

"Oh, she's been fine." Thinking quick, he came up with a plan. "She forgot something at the castle ballroom a few days ago, and she wanted to me to go get it for her, so 'I could see some more of Canterlot', she said."

"Well, in that case, I could show you around! After you get whatever Lyra forgot, that is."

"O- Oh, that won't be necessary, Octavia." The Spy began walking in the direction of the castle, Octavia walking alongside him. "I'll just get Lyra's..." His eyes searching the streets, he spots a purse sitting on a table. "Purse! Yeah, her purse. She forgot it, and sent me to go get it!" He gave Octavia a nervous smile, which seems to do the trick.

"Okay. Maybe next time you're in Canterlot, then?"

"Yeah! Next time I'm here. Well, see you!" Before the mare could question him any further, the Spy walked quickly into the crowd, losing her. Sighing, he finds that he's within sight of the front gates of the castle now. Ducking into a nearby building, the Spy cloaks before going back outside, slipping past the guards at the gate with no trouble at all.

Now inside the castle walls, he idly wonders what Celestia is doing, moments before another changeling invasion occurs...

To put it simply, Celestia was sick of dealing with various diplomats. She just wanted to rest for only a few minutes! Was that too much to ask? And with this business of Saxton needing help, it was nearly enough to make her just stand up and loudly announce where the various dignitaries could stick their collective politics.

As if on cue, another crumpled piece of paper bounces off her snout. Levitating it, she opens the offending piece of parchment, wondering just what in the hell is so important now.

It's Hale again, Tia. Still fighting that yeti. Anyway, Bidwell has reminded me that you might not know how to send something back to my dimension, since I did that myself. Anyway, I have good news about that missing merc: to send him back, just kill him.

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: Why would you want to kill anyone? Well, just trust me when I say that killing that spook is the easiest way to send him back here. And if you're weighing the morals of this decisions, believe me when I say that, no matter how you choose to dispose of the merc, he has died in much, much more painful (and humiliating) ways.

Also, if it means anything, his name is-

A blood stain obscured part of the letter.

-but I know that it's probably unimportant.

Didn't have time to stamp this letter,
Saxton Hale

PS: If you do kill the merc, make sure you cake the surrounding area in a liberal amount of fire immediately after. He has a way of faking death like that, the coward. If I were him, I would just beat the snot out of Death myself (and I have!).

If cloaking through the streets of Ponyville was a relative cakewalk, then passing through the large corridors of the castle was almost too easy. There were only the occasional guards patrolling the halls, along with the odd duo of guards protecting certain doors. None of them even suspected that he was there, making the Spy's task all the easier. Now he just had to find where the changelings had went, and pay them back for getting dirt on his suit back in the hive.

Oh, and save the kingdom. That was important, too.

"Yeah, you better hide, you wand-wavin' moron!"

"Merasmus! We give up, Merasmus! You're too scary for us! Now come out so we can KICK YOUR ASS!"

"Why does he keep hidin' like that, Sniper?"

"I don't bloody know. Why did Soldier have to be his roommate?"

"Also, where are them robots in all this? It's like that Gray feller just gave up for Halloween."

"If you don't find me soon, I'll get so strong I might die of strength! HAHAHAHAAAA! That's a real thing!"

"Why the bloody hell is it that, every Halloween, something weird happens to us?"

"I dunno, Sniper... I just don't know. Oh, hey, they found 'im."

"I see 'em..."

"Feel the terror... of BOOKS!"

"Yeah, let's do it!"

"Everyone down! He's got a book! It's a book! He's going to read!"

"I'm leaving now. Goodbye, everyone!"

"Nobody likes wizards, ya hear me? You're doomed to die alone!"

A Little Silhouetto of a Man

Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the fandango?
Ahem, sorry.

While the Spy had never set foot in the castle before, he had a feeling that the large doors with a sun painted on them had to be important for whatever reason. The problem laid in getting inside without alerting either of the guards. Then, an idea hit him.

He took out a small coin, that he had lifted from Trixie's trailer when she wasn't looking, and flicked it down the hall. It landed perfectly, rolling down the length of the passage. Both guards noticed this, but didn't move.

"Merde..."

"Did you say something?" one guard said to the other. This caused the Spy to seize up, not knowing what could happen.

"No. Did you?"

"I hope not. My first week in, I don't want to deal with any ghosts or whatever."

"I hear ya. Training was brutal."

This gave the Spy another plan. These were rookies, eh? Then that would make his task much easier. Making sure both of them could hear him, he whispered some more random words and phrases.

"It begins..."

"Okay, I knew I heard something that time."

"J- Just be cool, alright? It's probably just Princess Luna playing a prank on us. You know what the generals said about her."

"I dunno, man, just stay cool."

"When everyone's dead, who kills the killer?..."

"Okay, this is freaking me out now."

"M- Maybe we should report this to Celestia. I- I'm sure she'd let us take the day off... right?"

"N- No, we can handle this. We're Royal Guards. We can handle this. No matter what, we will-"

The Spy ran the blunt edge of his knife along one stallion's back, and the barrel of his revolver on the other.

"Boo."

Their reaction was instantaneous. They jumped nearly ten feet in the air before taking off in separate directions, screaming the whole way. The Spy couldn't contain himself, and he burst into loud, snorting laughter.

Once he was done, he turned around and entered the room the pair were guarding. His assumption of it being an important room seemed to be right, as the double doors contained what looked like a regal bedroom. A few pictures placed around on the walls and on dressers confirmed that the owner of this room was none other than the ruler of Equestria, Princess Celestia.

As one would in his situation, the Spy began rummaging around in the various dressers and other storage places. After finding a set of disturbing devices (which was quickly swept back under the bed and filed away into his "unholy terrors that should never be brought up ever again under any circumstances" mental folder), the Spy began looking through the drawers. He found an assortment of crowns, horseshoes, and a few bottles of "Wing Cream". Most interestingly, at the bottom of the drawer was a crumpled piece of paper. Unfolding it, the first thing he noticed was the Mann Co. logo across the top of the stationary.

"What the... hell?"

As he read the letter, his bewilderment only grew. Hale knew he was here? And robots were attacking the Mann Co. facilities? The Spy thought back to the Soldier's ramblings last Halloween, when he had dressed as a robot.

"Just you wait, those metal bastards will come here some day! They will kill our loved ones! They will steal our possessions! But worst of all, men, they will take our jobs!"

The Spy had simply passed that off as more of Soldier's inane ramblings. But now that robots apparently were attacking...

No, he was still crazy. But even a broken clock is right twice a day, after all.

As the Spy put the letter back into the drawer, making sure to leave no evidence, he heard hoofsteps approaching outside the doors. He could also hear an angry female voice whispering to herself.

"Ghosts, really? I thought my guards would know better that there are no such things, even if they are new to the job..."

He froze. That was Celestia herself. Who was coming into her room. The very room that he was still standing in the middle of, just having finished rummaging around in it. And, for all he knew, she could see right through his cloak. Panicking, he looks about the room, his eyes falling on a simple lamp about his height next to an open window. He knew what he had to do.

He quickly put on the appropriate disguise as he threw the lamp out the window. As the door opened, he stood perfectly upright and still in place, not daring to even breathe. The princess of the sun strode in, a distressed look on her face. While she said nothing, she seemed to be having a silent debate with herself. She lay back on her bed for a few minutes like this, before she rose up slowly, looking less conflicted and more tired. For the first time since she entered, she spoke to herself.

"Maybe a little... stress relief will make me feel better."

The Spy stood even more still than he already was. She couldn't possibly mean-

His fears were confirmed when the princess reached below the bed.

Many words could describe the Spy's mind at that point, but rather than try to describe what led to him falling out the same window he threw the lamp through, I thought it'd be easier to just show you exactly what he was thinking:

NOPE NOPE NOPE ABORT MISSION ABORT ABORT FOUTEZ LE CAMP DE CE LIEU

As stated previously, the Spy ended up falling out of the window, him seeing it as a better alternative to witnessing what was about to take place. His Dead Ringer broke his fall, while also producing the smashed pieces of a lamp upon landing. The window was actually over a fairly large set of stairs just outside the castle, which the Spy scrambled into once he regained his footing. The moment his Dead Ringer disengaged, he activated his other, much more quiet cloak. Once the adrenaline boost from the fall had passed, he began moving around the halls calmly. He made a mental note to himself: The next time you have to go through the belongings of a princess, make sure to make like a tree and get the hell out of there before they came back.

"...Are there really...?"

"Yep."

"And with that many...?"

"Uh-huh."

"...And are those giant medics?!"

"Looks like it."

"...Alright, I have no other way to say it, so I'll just say it: We. Are. Screwed."

"Now, Scout, don't be like that. I'm sure we'll be able t' do it if we keep a level head on our shoulders."

"HEAVY IS PRETTY PRINCESS!"

"...err, relatively speakin'."

"Pffft...Ahahahaha! H- Hey, tons of fun, hehe, what- heh- what the hell are ya wearin'?"

"Heavy is Anastasia, Russian princess. IS SERIOUS HISTORICAL COSTUME."

"Hahahaha! Yeah, sure it is, lard fat!"

"Scout, tell Heavy he is prettiest princess... NOW!"

"Or what, you're gonna make me feel the magic of friendship or somethin'? Or, or, maybe we'll all sit down for a nice tea party! Or maybe we'll even-"

*CRACK*

"AH PAINPAINPAINPAIN!"

"Did you wish for Heavy to kill you? WISH GRANTED!"

"I REGRET EVERYTHING! I REGRET EVERYTHING I'VE EVER DONE!"

"I am dressed like little girl. You are still biggest baby!"

"Dummkopfs... Ve are not going to win this, are we, Engineer?"

"No, Doc, I don't think so."

"Give me back my leg bone!"

"Brush Heavy's hair..."

"No! Just give me back my damn leg bo- OW! He- Hey, don't hit me with it!"

"BRUSH IT!"

You Only Shiv Thrice

After vacating the area swiftly, the Spy once again started looking for the disguised changelings. If what he overheard at the hive was true, then they would most likely all attack at once. They'd most likely go for Celestia and Luna, too. But after almost witnessing what the sun princess's private activities, he almost decided to just leave and forget anything that had ever happened. But he couldn't do that; as much as this world annoyed him, he still wanted the ponies to be happy with their existence. Besides, he always wanted to help prevent a change in government, rather than cause it like he was hired to do so often before.

That, and he thought Chrysalis was a bitch who needed to be stabbed in the back.

As the Spy was searching for any signs of changeling infiltration, he heard the sound of a large group of ponies all galloping at once. Looking out the window, he saw why: a near-literal wave of changelings were converging on the castle. Civilians screamed and fled, while guards took up defensive positions in front of the door. The Spy didn't stay to see how it would end; if the changelings are attacking now, then that means the queen herself was somewhere in the castle. More likely than not, she would probably be where Celestia was. Since he jumped out the window, she could've either stayed there or went somewhere else. And the only other place he could think of her being in was the throne room. But where was it?

The Spy's musings were interrupted by the battle outside pouring into the hallway. Unicorn guards and changelings were exchanging blasts of magic, while other guards and changelings took a more direct fighting style, throwing each other into the walls and other combatants. Amidst all the chaos, the cloaked Spy almost felt as if he was home. With practiced ease, he dodges through the battle, avoiding charging ponies and errant blasts of magic. One of them even started using a fire spell of some sort, nearly lighting his cloaked form. Some things never change, it seems.

A few hallways later, the Spy still was caught in the thick of the fight. Unfortunately, he had managed to get himself boxed in with no easy way out. Sighing, he assumed the disguise of a changeling and uncloaked. None of those fighting noticed his sudden appearance, although a couple of the guards were now firing at him. No time was wasted in finding a changeling whose back was turned, then dispatching them. Embarrassingly, the Spy forgot that stabbing removed his disguise, yet no one seemed to notice him. However, a stray shot of magic lit him on fire, so he used his Dead Ringer to both put out the flames and make a stealthy escape. If any of them noticed the burning "body" of a human, they didn't show it.

And he thought that some of his colleagues in RED were clueless.

Even when cloaked, however, a few charging combatants unknowingly threw the Spy around. He struggled to get through the chaos of the battle, eventually finding refuge in an unoccupied alcove just as his cloak ran dry. Well, unoccupied, save for the burnt husk of a changeling. It smelled rancid, but the Spy had been covered in an Australian man's urine many, many times before; the smell was nothing to him.

As the battle raged on, he did a quick check to see if everything was still there. Revolver, check. Sapper, check. Disguise kit, check. Knife, che-

Wait. It wasn't there. The Spy looked in all of his suit pockets, not finding the bladed object. Without a knife, he almost felt naked, and he wasn't going to wade into the fight just to find it. His eyes rested on the burnt changeling corpse. Namely, the hole-filled horn that was on its head. With a little effort, he was able to break it off. He tested its weight, and gave it a few jabs at the air. Satisfied, he pocketed the makeshift shank. If he could make an icicle a lethal weapon, he could make due with the horn of an insectoid pony thing.

While the guards and changelings were still fighting, he made good his escape. He watched behind him, making sure that none of those fighting would bump into his back, revealing his cloaked form. As if fate itself held a grudge against the French human, he instead bumped into a figure away from the battle. Turning and uncloaking on reflex, he came face to face with a changeling. Acting quick, the Spy dodged right past it and sank the horn-knife into its back. Instead of the death cry he was expecting, however, the Spy was met with silence from the changeling as it seemingly disappeared. At the same time, he automatically disguised into that same changeling. Looking at the knife, the Spy decides to keep it when this was all over. Who else would have a re-skin of that one Arabian knife that was pulled from a dead creature?

Cloaking, he continues on his way towards the throne room. At least, where he thought it would be. Either way, he'd get there eventually. Maybe. Hopefully.

It was one thing to be invaded by changelings during an event as public as a wedding. But to be invaded by the same changelings in the same place when nothing special was going on? Celestia didn't know if she was getting worse at national protection, or if Chrysalis was getting better at invasion. The fact that she had managed to, somehow, once again best the very leader of Equestria helped Celestia make up her mind about the issue. She didn't even bother really listening to the changeling queen's ranting and gloating, since she could guess what it was about: something about waiting for years, natural order, taking what's theirs, blah blah blah. Celestia was beginning to hope something would happen just so she wouldn't have to listen to the queen's ranting anymore.

The Spy felt like he was close to the throne room. The halls seemed a bit more regal, and not a soul was in them.

Or, it could've been the loud bragging of the changeling queen that gave it away.

Regardless, he went in the direction of the gloating. All the Spy could get from it that wasn't the usual "given birthright, 'we shall rule', etc." stuff was that Celestia was somehow defeated. He wondered where the other princess, Luna, was during all this, but he decided that he didn't really care. Waiting just outside the large doors of the throne room, he could see Chrysalis bragging over an injured Celestia. Judging by the look on her face, she was bored more than anything. Weird.

"-mine! The castle, Canterlot, all of Equestria- mine!"

Due to the queen's gloating, she didn't hear the Spy uncloak behind her. Meanwhile, Celestia's eyes went wide, but she said nothing.

He silently slid up to the changeling queen, readying his makeshift knife.

"And there is nothing you can do about it, Celesti-"

Her bragging was cut short as the knife was embedded into her back, causing her to let out an ear-piercing shriek. She turned her head, seeing the hat-wearing figure of the human she could've sworn she had killed.

"Nothing personal," he said, "I just had to shut you up."

Chrysalis was dumbstruck. "What- But- We killed you! How are you here?!"

"Oh, what was that you said?" The Spy cleared his throat and performed an exact replication of her voice. "'Allow us to escort you back home to Tartarus'? In that case, give the devil my regards."

In one swift motion, he pulled out his revolver and shot the queen point blank in the face. He removed his improvised knife as she fell to the floor, deader than a Scout who didn't see that level 3 sentry. He fixed his tie, then tipped his hat at Celestia, who was wide-eyed with shock.

"No need to thank me for fixing your problem." Without another word, the Spy strode back out of the throne room, ignoring Celestia's weakened calls for him to wait. She knew that he was the 'merc' that Saxton was looking for, but she couldn't do anything in her current state.

Behind her, a hidden door opened, and a dark blue alicorn mare stuck her head out. "A- Are they gone, Tia?" Luna walked out into the throne room. "Are all of those... things gone?" Before Celestia could answer, Luna caught sight of the dead changeling queen, causing her to scream and run back into the room she left, her crippling fear of changelings getting the better of her. Celestia just lay there and let out an annoyed sigh.

Home is Where the Blood, Burning, and Bullets Are

The Spy considered this a victory. He had single-handedly thwarted an invasion of a country, and with zero unintended kills. The raging battle in the hallway seemed to be over; when he disposed of the queen, the changelings must have cut their losses and ran to the hills. After locating his original knife (which, judging by the new blood stains on the blade, was used at some point in the battle), the Spy left the castle and headed for the train station. The streets were barren, to no surprise. Most people, pony or otherwise, would either run or hide when an all-out attack was happening on the castle not three blocks from your house. This was only a convenience for the Spy, as he could simply cloak through without fear of bumping into anypony.

At the train station, he wasn't surprised to see a decent number of ponies trying to board the train. Amidst the confusion, the Spy slipped on with no difficulty whatsoever. Laying in the baggage car, he got comfortable for the ride ahead.

One train ride later, the Spy disembarked in Ponyville, the same town he had spent the most of his few months in Equestria in. If this little plan of his worked, he wouldn't have to stay much longer. As nice as Equestria was, the Spy could best describe it as a "candy-colored circle of hell" for someone of his profession. Although, as a retirement location... He would keep the place in mind.

His plans for a far-off future were interrupted when he arrived at the library. Looking in the window, he spotted Lyra getting ready to leave, saddlebags full of books. As she went out the front door, saying her goodbyes and thanks to Twilight, the Spy met her.

"See, was that so bad?" he whispered into her ear. She jumped a bit at the sudden voice, but recovered quickly, giving a quick shake of her head. Satisfied that his plan was working, the Spy followed Lyra home and found a comfy sleeping position under her bed. Today had been a very, very long day, and he felt he deserved a rest.

The next few days passed with little incident. Lyra kept going to the library to study humans with Twilight, who seemed to accept the challenge of learning about an entirely new species. News of the second changeling invasion of Canterlot reached Ponyville in little time, but since it was again repelled, no one gave it much mind. Lyra and Twilight began getting further entranced in their studies of humans, surprising the Spy with how much was written about them here. It wasn't much, but it was enough to spark an interest for those who looked for it, and that's all he needed.

Eventually, the day he had been waiting for arrived. Twilight had managed to figure out that humans lived in an another dimension or planet or something, and she found a spell to take them there temporarily. Lyra jumped at the chance, agreeing to go the next day. Once she got home, the Spy waited until Lyra went to sleep. Once she did, he donned her visage and crept into the night. At this hour, there were no ponies on the streets. Despite this, the bottom window of the library was still lit. Perfect.

Walking up to the door, he knocked urgently. The sound of aggravated grumbling could be heard from inside, before a slightly tired, glasses-wearing Twilight Sparkle opened the door. Her annoyed look turned to one of shock upon seeing "Lyra" carrying a small saddlebag.

"Lyra? What are you doing here? I thought you were going to wait until tomorrow to come back."

"Yeah, I know, but I just can't wait." The Spy entered the library, still speaking. "I need to go to the human world now."

This caught the purple unicorn by surprise. "W- What? Why do you need to go now? Can't this wait until tomorrow?"

"No." The single word silenced Twilight, while the Spy mocked levitating an object out of the saddlebag. "Because I found this."

The object he pulled out was, quite honestly, one he forgot he had. It was acquired during one of his countless run-ins with the opposing team's Pyro. For once, he had managed to get a lucky backstab in on the mumbling freak. Sure, he was on fire, and he died soon after from it, but it was still a small victory. This was helped by the fact that, when he respawned, he had a new item on his person:

A left-handed rubber glove, identical to the one the Pyro was wearing on his/her/its head. More than likely, it was the same one that the Engineer had lost weeks ago. He probably knew that the Pyro had it, but he liked not being on fire. Regardless, the Spy held on to the "trophy"; maybe it could be used to trade for a better thing later on.

A free trip home definitely seemed worth it.

"What?! Where did you get that?!" Twilight was stupefied by this new piece of human evidence.

"I found it outside my house just a few minutes ago. Twilight, we have to go to their world. You have some kind of spell for teleporting to where an object's owner is, right?"

"W- Well, yes, but it's still only temporary. We'll only have a minute to look around, and you'll have to stay close to me so you don't get left behind-"

"I don't care about the details." The Spy got right in Twilight's face, getting closer with each word. "We. Have. To. Go. Now."

For a long time, the mare was quiet. Then she finally spoke up. "...Alright. We'll go."

The Spy did his best to let out a high-pitched squeal, getting a respectable result. Twilight's horn lit up as she removed her glasses and focused. The glow grew, enveloping both of them. Twilight let out one more groan of effort, then they were gone.

"Come on, come on, almost there!"

"Stand firm, men! We will beat this wave of metal bastards if it kills us!"

"Uh, Soldier, we're the only ones left. Everyone else died."

"Don't bore me with the details! Just give me results!"

Both of the red-shirted warriors prepared for the last group of robotic Scouts heading their way. They were only armed with bats, but there were a lot of them, and the front running one held a fully-charged bomb on its back. The Soldier stood his ground, letting off a volley of rockets at the horde. The Scout, meanwhile, weaved between the robots, picking a few of them off with his shotgun and picking up the money that spilled out of them.

When there were only a few left, there was a loud pop, followed by a rush of air. Both of them looked at the source of the noise, near the hole specifically designed for throwing a bomb inside (not the best design choice). A large purple glow was located not far from it, and suddenly a pair of creatures landed on the ground. Both of them seemed to be small horses with horns on their forehead; one was green, the other purple.

Both parties looked at each other for a few agonizingly long seconds, before the mercenaries were beaten to death due to their lapse in concentration.

"Anyone keeping track of my heads batted in?" the bomb-carrying robot taunted in a metallic recreation of the Bostonian's voice. There were only two of them, but they had no more opposition in the way of the bomb hole.

"What the- What the hay is going on?! Where are we?!" Twilight exclaimed, completely surprised and confused by what was happening in this weird place. Lyra, meanwhile, didn't appear to be shocked in the slightest; she, or he, rather, had seen this all before.

"Don't worry, I will handle this." Twilight did a double take when her traveling companion spoke in a voice completely different from the one she knew. "Lyra" took out a strange object and stood on her hind legs. The device made a loud noise, and a small cloud of smoke revealed Lyra to really be a human wearing a red suit and balaclava.

The shot from the revolver, meanwhile, implanted itself in the head of the bomb carrying robot, which fell over in a shower of sparks and money. Next to it, the other robot looked at the newly-revealed Spy. "Aww cra-" Its robotic voice was interrupted by another bullet being fired into its head as well. Once it hit the ground, a voice came over the intercom of the area.

"You've beaten them back! For now... Head to an upgrade station!"

The Spy didn't know what this "upgrade station" was for, but he didn't care; that was her voice. He was back.

He was home.

Voices came from a metal door a small distance away from the other side of the bomb hole.

"Nice job, fellas, you did a good job."

"...Uh, we didn't do that. And you should've seen what we saw before we got killed-"

"Wait, you two didn't do that, and we were all respawnin', so who could it have been?"

The doors opened, revealing a rag-tag group of people wearing red. Twilight saw a group of mysterious humans. The Spy, meanwhile, saw his team, in all their incompetence.

When they saw the French man standing there, they all reacted at once.

"Spy!"

"Mph!"

The Spy placed a new cigarette in his mouth, walking towards his team. Turning, he saw a slight purple glow slowly covering Twilight, who was stuck to the spot with shock.

"Give Lyra my regards," he spoke in his normal voice, before adding in the unicorn's own voice, "Twilight."

Before she could state her shock, her horn flared up, and she disappeared in a flash of purple. She was gone.

Turning back to his team, the Spy was almost as happy as he had ever been. "Gentlemen, I have returned."

The team swarmed over to him, assaulting him with questions.

"Where da hell ya been, Spy?"

"What was that all about?"

"Mmph mph mmmphmph mph?"

"Did ya get another bloody fedora, ya spook?"

The Spy did his best to explain where he had been and what happened, but he couldn't care less whether or not his team (particularly the Scout) believed him. He was just happy to finally, after months in a pastel hell, be home.

Home. Where death was certain and cheap, and he was covered in piss, blood, or non-milk substance nearly everyday.

He wouldn't trade it for the world.

While the Spy was answering questions, the Medic was crouched over where the purple unicorn was moments ago. A few hairs were left, either from her mane or tail, scattered on the ground. He picked a few up, examining them carefully. They were similar to normal horse hair, yet they were so unnaturally colored... and he couldn't see any traces of dye. No matter how much he studied the hairs, he always came to the same conclusion:

He needed more.

He needed a live subject.

Obligatory Sequel Link Chapter

Here you go.

...what? Were you expecting a sneak peek of the new story? Maybe an exclusive scene?
Nope, you just get a link.

In fact, have another.

What's that? You want another one? Here, you glutton.

One more? Okay, fine. Here.

You probably tried to click that last one, didn't you? Well, joke's on you.

Oh my, any one of these words could be a link. But which one?

...okay, I'm done.