Game Night

by Crimson_Moon

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Random, Discord, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Princess Luna, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4112

In which Anonymous is forced to explain how to play Magic: the Gathering to Twilight and her friends.

Your name is Anonymous, the first(and only) Human in Equestria, and everything was going great for you.

A nice job helping out on Applejack's farm, beautiful house, and even a generous stipend from Princess Celestia on account of your Diplomatic Representation of Humanity. Yes, life was swell...

Until a purple horse invades your privacy and discovers a buried relic of a bygone era:

Your Magic cards. All hell broke loose after that.

(Based on true events between me and a few friends on Game Night.) Full Disclosure: there will be swearing, kicking, screaming, and yes, even a table flip.

Published 2020-01-23 07:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-10 10:26:54 UTC

Table Flips and Critical Hits

Author's Note

Fair warning to all reading: there will be technical terms, swearing, and at least one table flip, or the attempt of. You have been warned.

Also bonus points to anyone who can guess the cards that are described!

Table Flips and Critical Hits

Your name is Anonymous...

And your life has utterly gone to shit in the span of a day. How, you might ask? Well, aside from having a good day at the farm and being handed a generous amount of bits from good ol' Sunbutt, your archenemy Purple Smart has decided today was the day to break into your house on the edge of the Apple Farm, pilfer your sock drawer, steal your last bottle of cider (whilst blaming Rainbow Bright), and discover a secret you thought buried and forgotten. Yep, today couldn't go any worse.

The secret in question was a box. Inside that box was more boxes, but on the side of those boxes? On the side was the unmistakable logo of one of America's Greatest Pastimes. No, not the regular run-of-the-mill sports equipment any Normies would own; This was of the Basement Dwelling Nerd variety...

And your sworn enemy had found it.

"Care to explain this?!" She exclaimed with the smuggest look on her face, as if she found the biggest set of keys to the kingdom of Whogivesashit.

"Care to explain why you broke into my house?" You spat back.

"I told you, Rainbow did that!" She huffed. "Now," the mare brought the box closer, hovering the five-pronged logo of your people within inches of your face. "What kind of evil do you have locked away in here? Is this some sort of magic sigil!?"

Well, as crazy as she normally gets, that was pretty mellow for her over-the-top conclusions, so you rolled with it. "Yeah, sure. It's got demons and goblins and artifacts, enchantments, and I even stuffed Land into them!" Your voice dripped with sarcasm. What you said was true, however. It didn't matter either way, for it sent her into what you like to call "SciTwi meltdown." It was a technical term that meant shit's going down.

"I- what?! How!?" She stammered through her incomprehensible mumbles.

"Open and see for yourself."

Hesitant, she looked at you, then back at the box. Giving it a good shake with her magic, prodding it with a hoof, and yes, even licking it, she was confident it wasn't a bomb at least. Gently the Alicorn set the box down, then ducked behind a nearby couch, and without even blinking, opened the cover of one of the boxes like a bandaid. A few minutes of silence followed, and you rolled your eyes.

"It didn't blow up, Twilight. Time to come out and look at my 'Evil Magic'." You sighed. It was times like these you drank that cider stashed in the fridge. Oh wait...

Slowly, she peered over the couch and looked at the box's contents. Seeing nothing coming out, Twilight approached. "I don't understand. Where are the monsters?" She looked at me.

Sighing again, you took out one of the hundreds of cards you used to bring out and play with your friends, the back of it bringing a wave of memories crashing forth. Flipping it over, you were greeted with the oldest card in your collection, and also your proudest one: It was a dragon looming over a sandstone building, looking smug in his victory. Not much to the card, and there were more rare versions available, but he came out of the very first booster you ever opened. Suddenly, the card was caught in a purple aura and hovered out of your grasp, shaking you out of your trip down memory lane.

"What is a 'Planeswalker'?" The purple pony asked.

You sighed. It's gonna take be a looooong day...

One day later, bringing you back to now...

"But what's so magical about it? And what are you gathering?" You heard Twilight ask for the thousandth time.

"That's just the name of the Brand!" You exclaimed out of frustration, nearly beating your head into the crystalline table that was the Cutie Map. After explaining what it was, Purple Smart wanted to take a moment to learn everything about the trading card game that was Magic: the Gathering and brought your entire collection to the Castle of Friendship. Honestly, she was pretty bipolar when it came to you being either good or evil.

It pissed you off to no end. "So, did you wanna learn or not?" You asked. "I already taught you the basics and even built a deck for you, so let's go! I've got better things to do than this..." You honestly didn't, but she didn't need to know that.

"I just want to make sure I understand." She explained, earning another frustrated groan from you. "None of these cards have any magic and that's just the name of the game?" She magically shuffled the red and blue deck you made for her in the air.

"Yes! You DENSE MOTHER F-"

"And you play it... For fun." She interrupted you.

"Oh my gosh, to think there'd be am invention of mankind that doesn't involve mass destruction!" You replied sarcastically, shuffling your own deck in your hands. "Now let's play."

You were several turns in, holding your life at a steady amount. Grixis normally did you dirty on the Life, but at least this time around you weren't in the red. Speaking of... you thought as you looked at Twilight's board state. For Izzet, you thought it would be perfect for a pony like her: plenty of blue spells to cancel your stuff, and a healthy smattering of red to deal the damage when she needed to.

Boy were you wrong.

Her board was horrendous. The mare kept tapping her Mana out for ridiculously powerful creatures but didn't save enough for instants or sorceries! It was like she was beaten up, taken hostage, and replaced with a clone that spent too much time in the oven, if you get the drift. "I- but...HOW?!" She slammed a hoof into the table, looking across at you.

"You were too busy playing creatures you couldn't counter the biggest threat I own." You pointed to that treasured planeswalker of yours. You weren't lying either- everything else on your field would be easily taken care of, if the mare actually swung those serpents she had. Heck, that Minotaur double strikes! Instead, she kept building up creatures and never attacked. "Preparing her defenses." She said.

Little that did her in the end. She had no Mana to counter and probably a full hand of counterspells ready to go. It resolved, and your planeswalker exiled her entire board of permanents. The game was easily won from here. "Learn your lesson yet?" You and her made it into a little bit of a game at this point(aside from it being, well, a game) to where she would try something new and you would "teach" her how to counter it, in kind. Your creatures hit for 12, bringing her down to 8 life.

She narrowed her eyes. "I'm still alive. I can win this." Untapping all her lands, Twilight began her turn. At first, she started flinging creatures out to the field, and you just shook your head. She caught on and backed off, changing her mind. Hovering a couple cards away from the others, she did what the last few turns she hadn't: she kept Mana open.

Two cards were played, a sorcery that washed away your side of the field with it's ability, and another that made you flinch, if only slightly. You know the card, it was a good pull from one of the more recent sets, it's blue red border and smug look from the human in the art having you swear under your breath. Sure it didn't have any plus abilities, but this particular planeswalker didn't need it, for it had something far worse when facing it's color scheme:

It had a copy ability. That deck had a lot of spells. This is going to turn around quick if you don't do something!

"Now listen, I know you think that's a good idea, and normally you'd be right," you bluffed, looking at your board for anything that could dig you out. Nothing, no land available. At least, not for what you need to do to stay alive. You were screwed!

She got the world's best smug grin, and started talking mad shit. "Oh, what's the lesson this time?" She hovered over another card, bringing it closer to the creature she wanted it on. It buffed the creature a few numbers, making it a deadly serpent, whilst also having hexproof already. The deadly riverwinder dealt a blow of 8, but that's not what killed you. What killed you was the fiery arrow sent your way, then cast again because of that planeswalker on her side of the field. You were gone.

Sighing in defeat, you muttered "good game." Before flipping the crystal table with immense strength, or tried to, before throwing your back out. Silently, you limped away and headed back home, cursing yourself for getting back into a game that took all your free time up when you were younger.

It wasn't all bad though... You had fun in the end.

20% Bluer

Your name is Anonymous...

And you've been pissed off at a certain Skittles colored Pegasus asking you what Magic is. You being, well, you, always tell her to bother Twilight about anything magic related. In other words:

"Buzz off, Rainbow Bright! Don't you have something else better to do?!" Not a single day has gone by and you've been pissed off at the growing trend of ponies barging into your house unannounced and annoying you.

"Ugh, no! Not Magic magic, but the card game!" She clarified.

Your eyes opened as wide as dinner plates. "No! No no no no no! It's bad enough one of you is playing it, I don't need two ponies sullying my afternoon! Now for the last time-" you grabbed her tail and whipped that horse out of your front door faster than you can say "10 seconds flat."

"GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!" You slammed the door. It was times like these you'd break open a bottle of cider, and it just so happens that Applejack gave you a fresh bottle of the stuff this morning. Opening your fridge, you smile and reach for the container of glorious happy juice, only to find the spot was empty.

You shut the door. Clearly you were hallucinating. The cider's there, you know it is! Steeling yourself, you open the door one more time...

Only to then wail out in pain. Your beer had been pilfered! Stolen! Taken in the name of evil! Suddenly a rapping came on your window. Slowly turning your head, you spotted what was making the noise, as well as what said noise maker had in her evil blue hooves:

Your bottle of Apple Hooch. You Reluctantly open the kitchen window to let Rainbow back into your home. "That's my bottle of cider, you demonic horse, so you better give it back!" You swiped at her, only for her to speed above and behind you, far out of reach.

"This cider's mine, Anon!" She grinned evilly. "I found it outside your house, and was gonna return it, buuuut on the other hand-" the Pegasus popped open the cork.

"Woah, woah, take it easy! Let's not do anything rash!"

"Rash? Ha! As if! I was just gonna drink it, but if you insist-" slowly, she tipped the open container over the sink, it's golden liquids threatening to pour out.

More and more you see the nectar of the gods pooling up at the end. Finally, you cave. "Alright fine! One game of Magic and that's it. Just leave the poor cider out of it. It didn't do anything wrong..."

If you thought explaining Magic: the Gathering was difficult before, you definitely did now. Every five seconds, that walking color gradient would ask the same question you thought you answered already, but then again this was Rainbow you were talking about. If it had more than 3 steps, it was too much for her to pay attention. Unfortunately, Magic had many steps. "So, any questions?" You dreadfully asked again. "And no, you can't use 'all the colors'." You stated monotonously, shooting down her raised hoof as soon as you could.

"But why not?" She pouted.

You gritted your teeth so hard you could almost hear them shatter. "Because, if you do that, then you're just asking for your ass to get beat! Hell, even I can't run decks like that, and my people invented it!" You exclaimed.

"Well, can I try your deck then?" She pointed to the pile of Dimir you threw together for this session. You found the best way to teach players of Rainbow's caliber is to beat them senseless from the get-go. It's a strategy game, not tic-tac-toe, and if she thought anything else, she was sorely mistaken. You sighed, looking at the several boxes laid out and open on your coffee table.

"Alright, I'll make you a deal. You kick my butt this session, then I'll think about letting you make a rainbow deck." She hopped up and did a quick loop in joy, before sitting back down.

"Yes! You're so going down!" She beamed, looking down at the same boxes of cards you were staring at before realizing what you were as well. "So, uh, what colors can I play? Heh heh."

You facepalmed. "Well, what do you want to do with your deck Rainbow? And I swear if you say 'win', so help me I'll throat punch you with NO REGRETS!"

She shrugged her shoulders. "I guess do a lot of damage."

"Red." Was all you said, before you both got started building. You told her how most people played red, but you knew it was pointless by the way her smug grin was taunting you. She's got this, that's what that look told you.

Still, she did surprisingly ask for your opinion on some cards she wanted to put into it. The better half of an hour passed and you were both ready to begin. "You ready, Rainbow?" You ask.

The mare guffawed. "Oh please! I was born ready! This game will be over in ten seconds flat!"

More than ten seconds later...

It was turn three, Rainbow had an Artifact and a few Goblins on the field that were buffed from it. All in all, not scary as individuals, except there were a few there that really liked to bring out more, like the Tin Street Kingpin himself, and you wanted to shut that down as quick as you could. The thing about goblins is they don't like it when you call them puny; you found that out the hard way after losing to one too many Goblin decks.

Your board state was in far worse shape, in terms of creatures, but you had Dimir, so that wasn't much of a concern. What was a concern however, was the lack of things to help with one of the deck's most powerful plays. Dimir was a fickle mistress when it came to structures, but you found a good combo. It's just a matter of getting the right play. She still had red open, and was surprisingly good about that, versus Twilight.

"Give up yet?" She smirked, throwing down another high cost worm to help support her goblin army. There it was! She was tapped out, now's your chance! You waited for an end to her turn, watching her hit for 10 damage. Ouch. Luckily your black cards had lifelink before she totalled them last turn.

Her inflated ego is probably going to take an intense hit, but it'll win you the game if you can play it right. Drawing your next card, you look at it to find- yes! That'll do nicely! "Alright Rainbow. I've been nice up to this point, but now it's time to show you why this ain't a kid's game." You smiled devishly, causing her to flinch. You dug up a grave with the creature you just got, bringing out a rather powerful sorcery that let you get the one card you needed to win: Razaketh's Rite. It was time to raise the realms of the dark to serve you.

Your graveyard and her graveyard now gave you the upper hand, and since a few of your creatures from earlier had an ability to give you life while killing her, you let all 10 cards do the damage, getting her low enough for a small blow to finish her off.

"What was it you said earlier? Oh yeah..." You smirked. "Give up yet?"

The flipped table and thoroughly pissed off rainbow trail zipping out your house told you all you needed to know.

Author's Note

Thanks to Mallory S Nocturne for choosing the deck themes in this chapter!

Same rules as before: If you get the cards right(aside from the obviously named Razaketh's Rite lol) I'll give you a sticker! And by sticker, I mean I'll let you choose the next chapter's deck themes;)

Fair warning, next chapter is Two Headed Giant so get those gears turning if you win my little prize ;)

Commander

Your name is Anonymous...

And you forgot how much unbridled hate a five letter word can bring to the table. It started as a simple question, you thought it wouldn't do anything but get these pastel colored horses off your back about playing Magic...

Boy, were you fucking wrong! You remember every excruciating moment you had heard that five letter word, and still to this day it makes you want to kick a puppy at how mad it makes you. What had brought this on, you ask yourself? Oh nothing in particular, save for the fact that Purple Smart got hooked on Magic like an addict to Coke, and not the ice cold refreshing kind either. The day started out fine, you suppose, save for the incessant pestering that has become routine at this point by Twilight and her friends to play Magic for the THIRD WEEK IN A ROW, but hey, it's fun and keeps the more accident-prone flamboyantly colored ones away from trouble.

All in all, it was good... Until Purple Smart asked The Question.

"What is a 'Commander', and why do you have a blueprint of this 'Golos' stashed away in your Magic cards?" Innocent sounding, but outrageously evil in execution.

You snatched the paper she was hovering over and tore it into such tiny pieces, even Thanos would be proud. "Mention that name again, and I will shove that overgrown Lite Brite so far up your ass, you'll be asking the Princesses for a goddamn do-over button to save you the trouble and just make you a normal ass pony!" Never before had so much cussing come out of your mouth at once. It was both awe inducing and terrifying.

"Is it... Important?" She sadistically beamed at you, or at least that's how you interpreted it. To be honest, everything was turning a nice blood red and you were about to go supernova.

Okay, sure! Ignore the excessive threats of violence! Whatever, it's not like she can build a commander from Golos anyways. It'd be too complicated for her skill level. You sighed, knowing there's no point in holding it back any longer. "Commander is another way to play Magic."

Immediately did her ears perk up and immediately did you regret ever telling her how to play in the first place. "There's another way to play?!" She beamed.

You simply nodded. Digging out another more well hidden box underneath your bed, you brought out the tried and true, the best of the best, the coup de gras: your collection of Commander decks.

Many tests and adjustments were made to these three decks you had painstakingly spent hundreds of dollars on, and it still gave you a sense of pride everytime you gazed upon those 100 card decks. You took out your oldest and most favorite Commander, a Pirate Tribal that always makes you feel giddy inside at playing it.

"This," you brought out the legendary card atop The brown sleeved deck. "Is called a Commander..."

Fast forward to now, when the impossible has now become possible, you are currently banging your head into the table alongside two others at the combo on the field. That five letter word became a commander ironically, and you, Fluttershy (surprisingly), and Rainbow Dash, all had to suffer the wrath of not only one extra turn on Twilight's field, but three. She paid all the Mana, scored an extra turn off the first batch, then also got lucky enough to double cast it. The third came from her second turn, which normally meant you could check on social media, but given there's no internet here, it meant you watching Purple Smart for three extra turns doing what Golos does best.

It didn't matter this far in, but at least Fluttershy and Dash were holding out rather well with the other two commanders you had built. Dash was aggressive in previous game nights and stuck with that routine, going for a mono red elder dinosaur that just free-casts everyone's top card every attack it does, while Flutters went with the long game and snagged the rather fitting Selesnya card, populating tokens and gaining life off of said tokens.

"Neither of you have board wipes?" You monotonously asked on Twilight's second turn. Given you had the pirate deck, it was a good chance you'd get one soon but hoped it didn't have to be another waiting game. Both of them shook their heads.

"This sucks!" Dash huffed, crossing her hooves.

"Well maybe if you held off like I told you..." you reminded her, taking a look at the tapped out board and one creature she had. "We'd have a chance!"

"Um, excuse me Anon-" Fluttershy mumbled.

"Not now, Fluttershy!" You spat. "Right now I get to call out Rainbow Bright here for being an idiot!"

"Idiot?!" She slammed her hooves down, jostling the cards some. "How am i-"

"You are playing literally the most aggressive color in Magic, but you got too focused on bringing out your commander that you had to discard half your board wipes!" You pointed to the decent sized graveyard she had. "half those would have worked against Golos!"

"Anonymous-" Fluttershy spoke, but was interrupted again.

"Oh yeah? What about your side?!" She pointed to the three vehicles you now couldn't use because of Golos triggering and destroying your creatures. "You don't even have creatures!"

"Enough!" Fluttershy Yelled. "I think I know what to do." Gently, with the grace of an angel, she had played the one card that saved us from having to witness any more of Purple Smart from becoming more of a threat:

She exiled Golos. Smart move, sort of, by itself. Save for the fact she exiled it from another ability one of the cards she has. One that I immediately recognize, and quickly begin to panic. It was an artifact so not too bad to get rid of, except that's not what scared you.

What did was the other ability it had, and paired with one of her other creatures, Golos became another threat. An indestructible threat. An indestructible threat that she owns...

You did the only thing any sensible person would do at a time like this:

You flipped the goddamn table.

Author's Note

For those not "in the know" about Golos, Tireless Pilgrim-

he is one of the most jankiest cards in Commander format right now. Why? Several reasons, but mostly because it can essentially free-cast cards at a ridiculous level.

My friend has one, and to this day, it has caused cards that give him extra turns to trigger three times in a row, hijacked all of the other commanders on the field, and has even set off a chain to win him the game with only 5 cards in hand and none left in the library(just look up Golos Combo, you'll find the one I'm talking about).

Fun deck to play... Not so fun to play against.

As for Fluttershy's Combo, I won't tell you what her commander is, but the combo that makes it ridiculous is Emmara Tandris with Mimic Vat, for anybody looking to beef up Selesnya token commanders. You will become an immediate threat, I promise.