Chapters Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
The sun shone brightly, creating myriad little reflections of light off the creek. Winter had been successfully wrapped up, although there was still a chill in the air and most residents of Ponyville regardless of race preferred to add an extra layer while outside, though most stayed in.
In the abnormally quiet carrefour surrounding the Old Town Hall, looking northwest up Stirrup Street, Mayor Meyer Mare and her assistant Raven Inkwell stood speechless for well over a minute until the Mayor decided to break the proverbial ice.
“I need a drink,” she said simply.
Raven immediately face-hooved. “We just returned to Ponyville after what feels like eighteen months and that’s the first thing that comes to your mind? Can we not at least return to City Hall and assume our posts first?”
Mayor Mare pursed her lips before sighing in agreement. “You have a point. Besides, we both know regular alcohol doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need the expertise of Apple Bloom.”
“Yes, Mayor?” Apple Bloom, who had been standing nearby but not listening, asked.
A small purple clawed hand touched her shoulder and a young male voice said. “If the Mayor is saying your name, it probably involves your *ahem* ability to distill hooch for her.”
Apple Bloom nodded, “Well, ya ain’t wrong, Spike,” she agreed. “But, it is too soon. We’ve been standin’ here, jus’ takin’ in the sight of Ponyville after being gone for so long. Not really sure how long.”
“Me either, but it feels like eight months,” said Spike.
“Feels longer than that to me,” the Mayor said.
Raven turned to them all and proclaimed, in her unassuming way, “Regardless, as I said, City Hall before doing anything else. No doubt all of us are tired, but we have jobs to do.”
At that, Spike immediately went wide-eyed and began sweating profusely. Apple Bloom and Raven looked at him with concern, the Mayor with understanding.
“Twilight!” he blurted out. “I never told her what happened. I don’t think we told anyone anything! We just kind of …disappeared for what may as well have been years! She’s gonna have my head on a platter for this!” Spike became more worked up with each syllable out of his mouth, to the point Apple Bloom reluctantly embraced him to try to calm him down as he began to hyperventilate.
“Oh, you need not worry about that, Spike,” interjected a familiar deep voice that resonated all around them yet had at that point no identifiable source.
“Discord?” they all asked. As if on cue, the ancient draconequus, god of Chaos, popped into being in front of them. He gave them an ostentatious bow.
“Greetings, my little ponies …and dragon,” he said with mirth, although not as much as they had come to expect from him. “Whether ten minutes or eight months, it’s wonderful to see you all again.”
Spike spoke first. “So, uh, why are you telling me I don’t need to worry about Twilight?”
Discord motioned to the carrefour behind them where they saw Twilight Sparkle galloping towards them at top speed. Much to everyone’s surprise except Discord’s, she leapt at Spike, her purple wings involuntarily unfurled, and wrapped him in a hug strong enough that he had trouble breathing.
“I’ve been so worried about you! I’m glad you’re back!” Twilight said with no hint of anger at all. Indeed, her voice quavered as if she was about to cry. The other ponies stared at her in shock and confusion.
“Well, I’m… glad to… be back, Twilight,” Spike eventually answered. “I guess you missed me?”
“Missed you?” Twilight asked, clearly facetious. “Of course! You’re my Number One Assistant! Every day you weren’t here was like another needle in my flank. Without you, I can’t function, much less carry out my duties to ponies who need me. You are indispensable. So, once you’ve finished up with the mayor… Welcome back by the way…”
“Um, thanks, Twilight?” Mayor Mare replied before Twilight continued.
“…Come back home. The other five and Starlight prepared a ‘Welcome Back’ party for you. See you there!” she exclaimed as she released Spike and galloped off.
The mayor, Raven, Apple Bloom, and Spike all stared at the rapidly retreating Twilight, absolutely perplexed. Eventually, they turned to Discord and, by silent agreement, allowed Spike to pose the obvious question.
“Who was that?” he asked, “And what did you do with Twilight?”
Discord chuckled. “You’re all aware, I’m sure, that one of the first powers I demonstrated upon my return to the land of the living was the ability to alter a pony’s mental state. After my defeat, I had promised to lay off the brain-scrambling ability, fun though it was, but, well, orders are orders.” He shrugged.
Mayor Mare stared at Discord over the top of her glasses, half confused and half distrusting. “That goes back to something you told us back at the border,” she said. “Who besides Princess Celestia would you ever take orders from?”
“Pinkie Pie’s older sister, for one,” he said without a hint of sarcasm. “I have to respect a pony who’s both funnier and stronger than me. But of course she’s not here right now. No. Like I told you before, I’m also under orders to not reveal who has been making me help you. Suffice to say, this entity also ensured that Ponyville would be taken care of until you returned.”
They began walking toward City Hall.
“Speaking of,” Raven said, “Who has been overseeing the town government without us?”
“Why, Granny Smith, of course,” replied Discord as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“What?!” exclaimed Apple Bloom as she briefly came to a dead stop.
“Now, now, my dear little filly,” Discord said gently as his hand detached to pat her on the head, “It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Even if it feels like a lifetime ago …or five years, whatever… She is the only pony to have ever been democratically elected to lead Ponyville.”
“I’m aware,” Mayor Mare said as she rolled her eyes at the memory of that incident.
Discord continued, “So, it was only natural that in a time of great need, she step into your horseshoes again. Also, you’re fully aware her approval rating is far higher than yours, I’m sure.”
“No offense, Meyer,” said Raven, “but she was better to work for than you. Granted, being your assistant is more interesting.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence,” replied Mayor Mare with full sarcasm.
After less than five minutes of walking they finally reached City Hall. Not a grand or ornate building like the old Town Hall. Just a simple if large three-storey building in the same style as many of Ponyville’s central buildings, with big inviting windows, particularly on the southern corner of the top floor which housed the mayor’s office. The wooden double-doors in the middle of the primary façade were closed. Discord knocked four times and then waited. A couple more minutes passed until they opened, revealing an ancient green Earth-pony, the one and only Granny Smith. The four returnees regarded her with concern, as she looked significantly more decrepit than the last time they remembered seeing her. Discord, for his part, gave his over-the-top bow again. When he spoke, his tone had a distinct lack of smarm, instead radiating respect.
“My dear caretaker mayor,” he said with a hint of triumph, “I have successfully returned with the real mayor, her assistant, Spike, and your beloved granddaughter.”
Granny Smith, trembling slightly, narrowed her orange eyes (same colour as Apple Bloom’s) as she peered through her bifocals, smacking her ever-dry lips, before eventually speaking. Her voice wavered due to age but was jaunty nonetheless.
“Well, howdy there, Discord!” Granny said. “Good ta see all y’all back here again. ‘Specially you, Meyer. Takin’ care a’ this town ain’t no job fer an ol’ horse like me; I shoulda been asleep four hours ago.”
“But, my lady,” Raven said, her head bowed in respect, “It’s not even noon.”
“Raven, honey-child,” Granny Smith answered, “When you get ta be my age, ya nap a lot ‘cauz ya can’t hardly sleep through the night anymore. I been ‘round for a long, long time. Think I’ve earned a li’l rest.”
“Granny Smith,” said Mayor Mare, “I’m grateful you took over for me… again… and I’m sorry that we, I, unintentionally forced you back here.”
Granny smiled as she closed her eyes and shook her head. “Meyer, y’all kept Apple Bloom safe in spite a’ everything. That’s what I care ‘bout most since I ain’t in any condition ta do that right now. As fer bein’ caretaker mayor again, well, that’s just another one Celestia owes me, ain’t it?” she let out a mirthful old cackle.
“Owes ya?” Apple Bloom asked, genuinely curious.
Granny Smith slowly made her way out of the building, orienting herself in the direction of her family farm and, with all the speed of a three-toed sloth, began her trek, but not before locking eyes with Apple Bloom.
“When yer ready to know, I’ll tell ya everything. Ain’t time jus’ yet. Now go on back to the farm. AJ’s throwin’ some sorta party fer Spike over at Twilight’s which he better hoof it to, but Big Mac is rarin’ ta see ya. So’re yer friends. They been holed up in yer room fer days waitin’, soon’s they got wind y’all were comin’ home. It’s nice to have folks care enough about ya to worry.”
Apple Bloom nodded silently with a smile, holding back a tear. But Granny Smith was not finished with her monologue.
“Discord.”
“Yes, milady.”
“We’ll talk later, after I’ve met with Celestia. May take a bit with all she’s goin’ through at the Palace ‘cauz I don’t wanna bug her yet. Any-hoof, you’ll know where and when to find me.”
“Understood,” Discord replied as he blinked out of existence with a loud POOF!
Once Apple Bloom and Spike headed off in opposite directions, Granny Smith was left alone with Mayor Mare and Raven.
“Y’all got a town to run,” she said to them gently. “An’ my work here’s done.”
Granny Smith walked leisurely back to her farm. Meyer and Raven stood in place, watching her refuse every offer of assistance with a wave of her wrinkled hoof. Once she was out of sight, they turned to each other. Meyer let out a quick sigh.
“Shall we get back to work, Raven?”
“Of course.”
Many miles away, in the grand environs of Canterlot Palace, Princess Celestia sat on her throne sporting a look of weary concern as the Royal Clerk, a bespectacled grey Earth-pony mare, approached.
“…And?” Celestia inquired.
“All jurisdictions have now reported. Chancellor Orangeglow has lost the confidence and shall stand trial.”
Author's Note
TO BE CONTINUED…
Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
Chapter 2 - Chaos Meets Stability
The Interstice: a world between worlds, a dimension between dimensions, a place between places …we all get the idea. Every colour imaginable plus some that aren’t suffused the sky, or what passed for it in this area, in a never-ending awkward bubbling swirl the sane mind could best compare to an oil slick, and an insane mind would call a quiet yet festive neighbourhood.
Of course, as with all worlds, some parts are more orderly than others. Entropy may be inevitable, but the very concept cannot exist without its opposites. Chaos is not exactly the same thing, especially to a being who called himself its god. Discord the Draconequus, who lived in the Interstice whenever not transformed into a statue, preferred a little order in his chaos, which would probably explain his nicely-kept yellow one-room wood house sitting on approximately four hundred square feet of grassy earth surrounded by a white picket fence except for a gap through which a short chert sidewalk led to the front door.
His massive brown snakelike form emerged from his door, taking care not to bump his head on the threshold again. He turned to a small trio of lilies on his left, bent down, conjured up a watering can from nowhere, and gave the plants a much-needed drink. In the meantime, the bushy white brows over his yellow eyes with red irises were heavily furrowed as he found himself forced to think. Discord preferred not to engage in such activity but felt this day he had no choice.
“I suppose,” he said to the flowers, “my form of Chaos isn’t really that chaotic in the grand scheme of things. I mean, all the pranks, stunts, and planned I’ve pulled out of my hat,” a blue top-hat suddenly appeared in his left hand before he summarily threw it off into the nether whereupon it exploded, “are nothing compared to the utter insanity of interstellar space. Especially how physics warps around a black hole. Oh sure, I could probably create a black hole in the middle of Ponyville and watch as all those lives disappear beyond the event horizon, but then they’d be dead, and where’s the fun in that? I guess ultimately I am a control freak, only liking chaos if I’m its master, which is the literal opposite of entropy, by definition controlled by no one; it simply is.”
The flowers did not respond, though they did perk up thanks to the watering.
“Also,” Discord continued, “I can’t cause as much mayhem in Ponyville as I would like or else I’d have to face the wrath of no fewer than three Alicorns, two of whom are effectively immortal and one of those is, well… Her. But I regret, my lovely little blossoms, that I must leave you to visit one of them. I don’t like taking orders from anyone. Except possibly Fluttershy; that mare raises …feelings… in me I haven’t felt in millennia.”
A cosmic wind blew past, causing the lilies to sway somewhat. Discord interpreted this as a response.
“Regretfully, no,” he sighed. “I don’t get to see the lovely Fluttershy or my dear Celestia today. I have to meet with that other one: the so-called ’Secret Princess’. She doesn’t even have thumbs but I’m stuck under hers for the time being, I guess because all the other princesses are busy? So, I guess I’d better be off.”
Discord waved goodbye to his flowers and poofed out of existence with a flash-bang.
Some distance away, maybe a hundred yards or a hundred miles (distance within the Interstice is impossible to calculate), Discord popped back into being. Before him stood an ancient green Earth-pony, wrinkled and swaying, her pure-white mane done up in a bun, orange-irised eyes slightly watery. She slowly smacked her perpetually dry lips as she appeared about to fall asleep in the middle of the endless void.
Once she noticed Discord, however, she perked up, a smile spreading across her withered face.
“Well, howdy there, Discord!” the old mare chimed, pleasant as could be, not the least bit intimidated to be facing a literal demigod.
Discord, for his part, sported a look of utter confusion. “Wait. Aren’t you …what’s her name? The owner of the apple farm… Granny Smith? I thought I was going to meet—”
Granny Smith held up her hoof, immediately cutting him off. “Oh right, sorry. You don’t know, do ya? Leave it to Celestia ta not bother givin’ anyone important details. It’s come back ta bite her more than once over the last couple centuries. In face it’s come back an’ bit ‘er in the here an’ now. Wel’p, I guess ya might as well learn. Gimme a sec.”
With that, Granny Smith closed her eyes and began to glow, radiating an orange aura. Over the course of a minute, her body morphed from that of a half-dead Earth-pony to an extremely youthful-looking Alicorn complete with long flowing golden mane. Not as regal as Princess Celestia, nor did she sport any gold or obsidian accoutrements, but she nonetheless radiated authority. When she spoke again, the old-mare waver was completely absent from her voice, although a trace of the rural accent remained. Discord knew this princess and knelt.
“Princess Antonovka? I… I…” he sputtered. “My apologies. I had no idea you and, of all ponies, Granny Smith, are one and the same.”
“Well, it ain’t something I like to broadcast, as I’ll bet you can understand,” she replied. “I don’t even like taking this form. I’d much rather be Granny Smith, to tell ya the truth. But, life just doesn’t give me that luxury sometimes. Celestia owes me a life-debt and, since she and I are both immortal, well, I think you can guess how that goes.”
Discord nodded. “I’ll admit I don’t know your story, but I know what it’s like to live for a long time.”
Antonovka smiled. “Oh, I’ve written it all down for Apple Bloom to read after I fake my death again to revitalize myself and assume a new identity. Not sure when I’ll do it, sometime in the near future when more ponies start asking uncomfortable questions. But enough about that. Down to business?”
“I suppose,” replied Discord with a sigh.
“Good,” Antonovka said with a furtive nod. “Now, one big promise I was able to pull out of Celestia back in the day was her vow to always protect Ponyville.”
“Well, she’s done a pretty lousy job of that the past few years,” retorted Discord with a chuckle. “Who would have thought I would be a mere blip on the radar in terms of disasters for that place? Anyway, what specifically do you, and by extension she, want me to do?”
“Celestia thought she could keep Orangeglow under control by making him Chancellor,” said Antonovka, “But instead, he’s whipped up his supporters into a frothing mob and no longer even pretends to respect the Diarchy. The Senate is afraid of him due to his network of bullies and spies and also they love his flagrant misappropriation of tax money.”
“Uh-huh,” Discord said as he dug some wax out of his ear, wherever it came from, with his claw. “And, let’s be absolutely honest, why should I care? The more low-key chaos, the better for my battered pride, even if I’m not the one causing it.”
“I thought you’d say that,” Antonovka replied. “And I’m sure you thought my request you protect Apple Bloom and her friends was a one-off…”
“Princess of… whatever… I may love mayhem, be it as spectator or participant, but I’ve also been around long enough to know the last thing I need is an angry Alicorn or two on my case,” Discord said with a shrug. “Even so, being heroic is still a bit outside my wheel-well.”
“Let me lay it out for ya then,” said Antonovka brusquely as she conjured up a map of the continent of which Equestria took up the bulk. Equus Mountain, site of ‘new’ Imperial Capital Canterlot was in almost the exact centre, with Ponyville a short distance to the southwest. She pointed to the mountain. “If Orangeglow succeeds in overthrowing Celestia and Luna, the careful balance between races and species cultivated over centuries will be gone. It’ll be open season for, well, everyone. Even you won’t be safe.”
At this, Discord scoffed. Antonovka raised her eyebrow and smirked.
“Ya lost twice to the Elements of Harmony—”
“—which no longer exist,” interrupted Discord. “Don’t ask me why returning them to the holy tree ended up spawning Twilight’s ugly palace. Regardless, what else could possibly stop me?”
“Tirek.”
“Touché,” Discord admitted. “But he’s in Tar… Hang on. You don’t mean…?”
Antonovka nodded. “Celestia told me Orangeglow wants to redirect funding for keeping Tartarus sealed to build that wall along the border with the Crystal Empire and also hiring a force to round up and deport non-ponies. I believe you met a group of Palace Guards he illegally requisitioned to do just that. Think about what it means for that hell-prison to not have enough guards.”
“I don’t have to,” said Discord with a shiver. “Tirek is bad enough without the dozen or so worse monsters also there: that freaky cat-lady, the elf, that witch who sounds like Frau Blücher…”
Somewhere off in the distance, horses neighed in fear. Princess Antonovka and Discord looked around in mild confusion for a second before she continued.
“Exactly. Most of those beings have been locked up since the First Age, before even you, Celestia, and Luna existed. Celestia hasn’t told me much about the inmates or what they can do, but I think you’d have a problem with most of them since, in this case, ‘Magic A’ is not ‘Magic A’. So, it’s in your interest to help Celestia protect Ponyville, especially my beloved Apple Bloom and the Mayor.”
Discord cocked his head. “Why the Mayor? Does she have some sort of important destiny thingy Celestia pulled out of her rump?”
“No,” said Antonovka, shaking her head. “I just don’t want to be in a leadership position again. Paperwork is boring and annoying. Keepin’ a low profile is kinda my thing. Also, hearing about Meyer’s antics with Spike and Apple Bloom makes my life more interesting.”
“You are the strangest Princess I’ve ever dealt with,” Discord said.
“That’s ‘cause I never wanted to be one,” she replied. “Ain’t too many ponies with the guts to refuse their destiny. ‘Course, I had a destiny before Celestia turned me into this.” She motioned to her horn and wings.
“A grudge against Celestia yet also some level of respect,” said Discord with a knowing smile. “We may be more alike than I thought, my dear Princess.”
Antonovka grinned as her orange aura enveloped her and she morphed back into Granny Smith. “I’m glad we’ve come to an understanding, Discord,” she said.
“Absolutely. So, your next order for me is…?”
“First an’ always, protect Apple Bloom, else yer gonna hafta deal with me. I may not look like much, but I’ve stood up to Celestia and made it out the other side without bein’ banished or turned into a statue. Second, do yer thing on Orangeglow even more than ya already did. He tried to hurt my kin, an’ I ain’t quick to forgive that. Make him suffer.”
A positively giddy toothy smile spread across Discord’s face. “With pleasure, my lady.”
Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
Chapter 3 - Princesses' Conclave
Deep within the enormous rocky outcrop that is Equus Mountain, inside an ancient purpose-built antechamber filled with magic scrolls and scientific tchotchkes plus the most intricate and complicated spell-circle (a ‘working’ for the magically inclined) in the entire world, stood three Alicorn princesses, all sporting grim expressions. Off to the side, next to the working, slept a very young purple dragon who twitched and coughed as if in pain.
One of the princesses, pink with large purple irises and a Crystal Heart cutie mark but lacking the unnaturally flowing manes of the other two, approached the dragon and gingerly placed a hoof on his head.
“I’m so sorry, Spike,” she said nearly choking up as she turned back to the other two. “Celestia, Luna, I think using the blue flame to teleport me through a mountain and magical wards was too much for him. Can we maybe not do that next time you need me for an emergency conclave?”
Celestia, resplendent in her gold accoutrements contrasting against her white coat and multicoloured mane, looked down to Spike, then back up with a shrug of her wings.
“Fair enough, Cadance,” she admitted. “I will be honest; I had assumed the blue flame spell would be equally taxing on Spike regardless of location. I was wrong. Even after millennia of existence, I am still learning new things.”
“Also,” Cadance asked pointedly, “Why didn’t you invite Twilight? She’s one of us now too.”
“In this particular instance, it is for the best Twilight Sparkle remain in Ponyville,” Princess Luna explained. “Moreover, we all know what happens any time she proposes a stratagem.”
Cadance thought about that for a few seconds. “Her plan backfires and she ends up needing her friends and/or us to bail her out, and then she takes all the credit. …Good point.”
“Regrettably, the other princess has again refused to participate in our conclave,” Celestia piped in, which caused Cadance’s eyes to open as wide as possible.
“There’s a fifth princess?!” She exclaimed, absolutely flabbergasted. “How am I only just now learning this?”
Princess Luna yawned, since she was nocturnal by nature and, regardless of their cave surroundings, it was high noon outside. Then she spoke, an undercurrent of irritation in her voice. “I have not yet met her, for she was Ascended during my millennium-long banishment. Evidently she lives in seclusion somewhere near the Everfree Forest. My Dear Sister,” Luna used that phrase with more than a bit of sarcasm and spite as she gestured to Celestia, “has refused to expound upon details except to say that she considers the circumstances surrounding that princess to be her second greatest failure.”
Celestia sighed. “Everything Luna said is correct. You in fact have met that princess, but she has chosen not to reveal herself and I do not expect her to do so to either of you for at least another few years. For that I apologize, but it is her decision alone. That said, my sources tell me she is very much involved in helping deal with our current ordeal.”
Cadance and Luna nodded. They already had a reasonably good idea of where the conversation would go. No princess worthy of the title would go into a formal conclave unprepared. Still, they waited to hear Celestia’s opinion.
“Orangeglow,” said Celestia simply. “As the days go by, I increasingly agree with Luna that naming him Chancellor and letting him run the government might surpass Annie as my second greatest mistake. His control of the Imperial Senate is absolute, to the point that even I can no longer persuade them.”
Cadance levelled a look at Celestia. “Didn’t you say the various local leaders and lower Nobility made a formal request to remove him?”
Celestia lowered her head. “I did, and they did. However, much to our disappointment, the Senate acquitted Orangeglow in a sham trial. No witnesses were called, no evidence was presented. The Senators were simply unwilling to accept the reality that the stallion they told me to appoint is grossly unfit for his position.”
“Couldst thou not, perhaps, banish him to the Moon?” Luna queried. “We know he hath committed grave sins against Equestria. It would also, of course, not be the first time thou hast taken such action.”
At that, Celestia rolled her eyes. “As always, sister, you must remind me of my absolute greatest failure.”
“Wherefore not to him thy proverbial banish-hammer?” Luna snipped.
“Could you two maybe not fight right now?” Cadance pleaded. “This is serious and I don’t want Spike to have hurt himself in vain.”
Both celestial princesses nodded.
“As always, the embodiment of love and peace,” said Luna, slightly chastened. “Though I was not around when the deed was done, thy Ascension is certainly one of Dear Sister’s more astute actions, with which I agree wholeheartedly.”
Celestia bowed her head slightly. “My apologies, Cadance. You are correct that the Orangeglow matter is far more important than any lingering familial disagreements. Anyway, the reason I cannot simply banish him is because: One, neither Luna nor myself has access to the Elements of Harmony in order to do so. Indeed, they no longer physically exist, having been absorbed back into the Holy Tree of Harmony. Second, Orangeglow remains popular not only with the Nobility and, of course, the Senate, but also certain groups of the citizenry both in Canterlot and in the hinterlands.”
At that, Cadance tilted her head. “How could any pony or, really, any being whatsoever possibly think Orangeglow is anything but a complete moron?”
Celestia shrugged. “You have dealt with him face to face. Most ponies have not. They are enamoured by the concept or perhaps the idea he represents. Chancellor Orangeglow, himself a Unicorn with little if any magical power, resonates with the large population of Unicorns who also lack prowess and resent those who have it. He sees the outside world as inevitably hostile and non-ponies as suspicious beings, so both must be kept at bay.”
Cadance nodded. “Yes, I experienced that first-hoof. But he’s always been like that. Besides his xenophobia and, as I was briefed, his misappropriation of tax money, why is it only now that you decided to get the three of us together to discuss him?”
Luna glanced over to Celestia knowingly. “Dear Sister…?”
Celestia hung her head low and let out a long, defeated sigh. “He and the Senate gutted the Equestrian Health Service in most of the realm, especially Ponyville due to his ongoing vendetta against the town. While upsetting, I did not consider this a crisis at the time due to his simultaneous closing of borders and lessening of trade which, all taken together, kept the accounting books reasonably even, as Luna tells me.”
“Thou art terrible with numbers,” Luna chimed in.
“Anyway,” Celestia continued, “given that Equestria has not faced any major health crises since I established the EHS, I naively assumed even a system operating at lessened capacity could handle whatever might happen in the near future. I also assumed Orangeglow’s firing of essentially every disease researcher not directly employed by the Palace could be counterbalanced by increased operation from Our end. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Equestria is about to face the worst pandemic in a hundred years and we are woefully unprepared.”
Cadance stood bolt upright, taking in every word Celestia said. “So, what is the disease you’re so worried about?”
“Blue-Flu,” Luna answered.
“Blue-Flu?” Cadance asked, clearly unconvinced. “I thought that was just a fake sickness Discord made up to get sympathy.”
“Regretfully, no,” said a male voice that sounded from everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. Luna and Cadance bore looks of confusion while Celestia’s expression was one of mild anger.
“Discord!” Celesita called out. “Come out right now! How dare you interrupt a Royal Conclave! How did you even get here with all the wards in place??”
Nearby, a heavy wooden door swung open and in walked a bizarre hodgepodge of a creature, snakelike in body yet possessing mismatched arms, legs, and horns. A draconequus who held up his left arm sporting a magic-dampening gold bracelet around his wrist. The door now open, he took off the trinket, which floated back to its housing under its own power as he entered the room.
“Ah, my dearest Celestia!” Discord said as he gave her an overly ostentatious bow, “I’m glad to see you too. The answer to your question, which should be obvious now, is simple: I followed you down to this chamber. ‘No Magic Will Open This Door’ is a lovely little riddle that I’d expect from a stallion like Starswirl, but it’s so simple once you think about it. Greetings to you too, lovely Luna. And, of course, sweet sweet young Princess Cadance. It’s been so long.”
“It’s only been about a month, maybe less,” Cadance replied.
Discord suddenly teleported to directly in front of her whereupon he knelt down to stroke Cadance’s mane, causing her to blush. He then turned his mouth, and only his mouth, to face Celestia and Luna. “My version of Blue-Flu was absolutely fake, and all I did to any others was briefly amplify preexisting allergies or other ailments. My powers can do a lot, but creating a virus is several degrees outside my wheel-well. Besides, why would I want ponies to die? There’d be almost no one left to enjoy my chaos, and that’s no fun at all.”
“So what is the real Blue-Flu?” Cadance asked. Discord shrugged, but Celestia had the answer.
“It is a respiratory disease that causes high fever, a dry cough, possible fluid in the lungs and, in a worst-case scenario, death,” she said solemnly. “Its name comes from the colour a pony’s tongue and lungs turn in the late-stage of infection if the body fails to fight it off. This particular strain of Blue-Flu originated somewhere in the Southern Badlands but managed to make it to port cities on both coasts before it could be contained. It also happens to be a novel strain much more virulent than anything with which we have dealt before.”
“I see,” Cadance said. “So, what should I do to protect my citizens up in the Crystal Empire?”
“Ironically,” Celestia replied, “Orangeglow’s closing of our internal border may keep Blue-Flu from having as nasty an impact on your citizenry. But, it would still be best to do what I have begged Orangeglow to communicate without success: keep one’s hooves clean, maintain a distance of at least a length from others, and self-isolate if one feels they may be ill.”
“Sounds straightforward enough,” said Cadance.
Luna nodded slowly. “Indeed it is, particularly in the absence of any sort of vaccine. However, we are especially worried about Ponyville.”
“How come?”
Celestia answered before Discord could. “Because the disease has not shown up there yet and they are not prepared to deal with it. I did request Twilight pass out flyers containing useful information, since the mayor has been occupied writing futile funding requests to the Senate following the most recent disaster.”
In Ponyville, the front door of City Hall swung open as Mayor Meyer Mare and her trusty assistant Raven Inkwell stepped, bleary and blinking, into the sun.
“Raven, remind me to not drink more than five mugs of Apple Bloom’s Happy-Juice while I’m working for thirty-six hours straight, okay?” Mayor Mare requested with a slight slur.
Raven sighed. “I’ll do it, but we both know you won’t listen.”
Ponyville’s mayor chuckled guiltily. “Well, you’re not exactly wr— uh…hang on.”
“What is it, Meyer?” Asked Raven.
“Where is everyone?”
Indeed, the streets of Ponyville were absolutely, completely deserted. All doors and windows at every home and business were shut and locked tight. Mayor Mare and Raven plodded slowly down the normally bustling but now desolate Stirrup Street.
A gust of wind blew a medium-sized poster into Meyer’s face. Raven pulled it off and read it aloud.
“Blue-Flu Is Coming For You: Twilight’s Tips.”
Meyer groaned loud enough to disturb nearby birds.
Author's Note
Keep your distance and wash your hands.
Also, like the Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy says in large friendly letters on its cover: "DON'T PANIC"
Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
Mayor Meyer Mare face-hoofed and let out the most drawn out and weary sigh she could possibly muster as Raven slowly read the flyer that had landed in front of them. She had been temporarily shaken into sobriety and was not at all happy about it due in part to the sudden hangover. She frantically searched her own and Raven’s saddlebags for another bottle of hooch, eventually finding a flask marked ‘Emergency’ inside a secret pocket.
“Hm,” Raven hm’d. “Well, every single thing Twilight Sparkle wrote on this is, as far as I am aware, factually and technically correct. Of course I’d expect no less from her.”
“But did she really have to tell everyone Blue-Flu’s mortality rate?” Mayor Mare asked. “Or its assumed rate of contagiousness compared to other diseases? Or every last detail of each stage of infection? OR the fact that our local clinic is criminally unprepared for an outbreak?”
Raven shrugged. “The Ponyville EHS Clinic is criminally unprepared.”
“Obviously I know that,” snipped the mayor as she gulped the contents of her flask like it was mere water. “What do you think was the subject of one of those dozen or so funding requests I wrote up to send to the Imperial Senate? Literally every facet of our social and physical infer- …irnbru- …infrastructure is underfunded. The thing that allows ponies here to keep living their blissful little lives is that they do not know about it !”
“Wait, that letter was supposed to be about EHS funding? You kind of veered off a paragraph in to rant about a pink elephant just out of your reach and ghost riders in the sky,” said Raven.
“I’ll get that elephant one of these days,” Mayor Mare declared. “I’d chase a purple dragon but I already know one. Speaking of, where’s Spike?”
“Not a clue,” replied Raven, shaking her head.
“Of course he’s never around when we need him,” the mayor groused before letting out an involuntary hiccup.
Raven cocked her head. “What would him being here accomplish?”
Mayor Mare’s mouth hung agape for about a minute as she tried to figure out the answer to that question. “Well, it wouldn’t be so darned quiet here. I’d have a second friend to talk to.”
This caused Raven to give a small smile which she tried to hide behind her ever-professional bearing. “Well, Meyer, if he shows up, I’ll be the first to let you know. But you do have a point. It’s so quiet here. Reminds me of back when Zecora first arrived in town.”
“I’ll never understand why Ponyville was so racist against one Zebra when we all know the problem is those darned Yaks and Gryphons and Alicorns.”
Raven facehoofed. “Meyer, replacing one form of racism with another doesn’t actually improve anything. You’re kind of sounding like Orangeglow, if I’m being honest.”
At that, Mayor Mare uttered a profanity too nasty to put in print, just as Apple Bloom approached them from the road leading south to the still-haunted Everfree Forest.
“Uh, is that a word I should be hearin’?” asked Apple Bloom, curious, as Raven shoved her hoof into the mayor’s mouth.
“Absolutely not!” Raven insisted. “I’m pretty sure if your big sister heard you repeating half of what Meyer says, she’d literally wash your mouth with soap. In fact, she already thinks we’re a bad influence on you …and I can’t exactly say she’s wrong.”
“But I like makin’ that Happy-Juice,” said Apple Bloom. “It lets me put all my potions trainin’ with Zecora into practice.”
Raven nodded. “That’s fair. Speaking of, do you happen to know where Zecora is?”
“She was right behind me last I checked.”
Sure enough, a Zebra wearing a brown cloak and multiple non-magical golden rings around her leg and neck soon approached them. She bowed slightly in greeting.
“As expected, ponies have shut themselves in. It reminds me of my first sojourn into town again. Though I do not expect to be feted, it is unfortunate how I continue to be treated,” Zecora opined in her characteristic rhyming couplets.
“Naw, Zeb,” the mayor counted with a bit of a slur. “This is, uh… something.”
Zecora levelled a look at Mayor Mare. “I can only assume some sort of funk as a reason for your being drunk.”
“Nope,” Raven replied on behalf of her boss. “It’s just a day that ends in ‘y’. As for the empty streets, it doesn’t have anything to do with you this time. Here. Read this.” She handed Zecora the flyer Twilight had had printed and distributed.
After careful reading, Zecora arrived at her conclusion. “This is all correct, but I wonder why… Did Twilight intend to terrify? While an epidemic is certainly no joke, there must be a better way to communicate with pony-folk. All this information about death can take away one’s breath.”
“Well, it is a respiratory virus,” replied Raven, “but I get what you’re saying. By the way, what brings you into town? How come you’re not quarantined in the Forest”
Zecora nodded slowly before speaking. “I came in search of herbs for Apple Bloom’s new brew. And, as it happens, Zebras are immune to Blue-Flu.”
“Also, they ain’t vectors or nothin’ like that, she told me,” Apple Bloom chimed in.
“So,” said Raven, “Zebras can neither catch nor carry Blue-Flu?”
“That is true,” Zecora answered. “It is perfectly safe for me to be near you. Or you near me, as the case may be.”
Suddenly, Mayor Mare collapsed, crumpling to the ground with an unceremonious thud. The other three rushed to her aid.
“Meyer!” Raven exclaimed, obviously worried.
“Don’t tell me you’ve got the virus too!” said Apple Bloom.
Zecora stood over the mayor, closely observing her. “Her pupils are misaligned, dilated, and glazed. No blue tongue, though she is dazed. I shall dispense with being formal. Raven, is this normal?”
Raven rolled her eyes. “For Meyer? Yes. Honestly, after the double-all-nighter we put in writing funding proposals as Meyer drank her entire supply of Apple Bloom’s ‘Happy-Juice’, I’m surprised she was able to walk down two flights of stairs and one block of road before losing it. I guess Twilight’s flyer knocked her lucid for just long enough.”
“Twilight’s real good at makin’ ponies think about stuff. Sometimes she makes us think too much,” said Apple Bloom, tilting her head over to the flyer.
Raven shrugged. “She does have a point, though. Better safe than sorry, especially with a disease as dangerous and contagious as Blue-Flu. I’m sure if Meyer was conscious, she’d agree that businesses shutting down for now and citizens self-quarantining is the best course of action.”
Mayor Mare let forth a loud burp.
“I’m taking that as Meyer okaying a formal shelter-in-place decree,” said Raven, her expression stern. “Twilight got everyone’s attention, but it’s our job as public servants to make it official. I’ll let the ponies at City Hall know. Apple Bloom, you should go back to Sweet Apple Acres and check in on your family.”
Apple Bloom gave a quick nod and trotted home as fast as her stubby legs could carry her, which was not very fast but it would do. Zecora meanwhile continued her futile effort to find an open business stall. Raven at first tried to drag Mayor Mare back to their office; failing that, she returned alone, leaving Ponyville’s mayor passed out drunk on the side of the road.
Mayor Mare floated on a raft made of overturned bottled down a swift-flowing river of noxious clear liquid through a crystalline cave, its innumerable facets depicting scenes from her memories. The mayor, for her part, was not terribly interested in her surroundings and decided to try drinking whatever the river was. To her, it was good, gave a nice buzz.
“Even in your delirium, you can’t help but go for the sauce,” said Discord, floating along the ceiling in tandem with her raft.
“Discord?” the mayor asked, obviously knowing who was talking to her.
He immediately teleported so that the two were face-to-face, mere millimetres separating their snouts. Uncomfortably close would be a massive understatement, but it did force Meyer to focus as best she could.
Discord’s breath smelled of burnt chocolate as he spoke. “You realize your inebriation, amusing though it is, makes my job a lot more difficult? Things are coming to a head, and if I stick my neck out too far in doing what I was asked to do, which is to protect this pointless town you pretend to lead, I have to deal with Twilight and her lectures. You know how annoying those are. I need you to step up or else I’ll get it from more sides than I can count.”
Mayor Mare cocked her head. “What do you mean? Am I that out of it, or did I really just hear you say you’re protecting Ponyville? Who in this world would be insane enough to ask that and also order you around?”
“Like I told you before, these lips are sealed,” said Discord, “But I’ll dispense with the joking for now because something wicked this way comes, and it’s not me for once. Way worse.”
He poofed out of existence. Mayor Mare felt the lightness return to her head and lay back down. Not long after, she heard a familiar voice that immediately raised her hackles enough to knock her almost sober.
“Well, this is a sight,” the high-pitched gravelly male voice said. “What did I tell you before? You’re fake. Third-rate. Useless. You’ll never make it.”
The mayor’s left eye twitched involuntarily upon hearing him. “Orangeglow…” she said.
“I came to this shithole town again to make sure my orders were being carried out. I give the biggest and best orders, you know,” he said with more than a hint of pomp.
“I’ve heard,” Mayor Mare snarked.
Orangeglow did not get it. “See, I’m the Chancellor of the Country. That means I have a lot of power. Great power. Big tremendous power. And all the mayors and governors know that. The ones who don’t respect it, well, they don’t get my help in stopping Blue-Flu. And Ponyville is at the very top of my list to not help. Nothing good ever comes outta here and all the ponies are crazy. Plus, you allow an ash-kicker and a dirty Zigger to live here and spread whatever diseases they have.”
This diatribe left Meyer confused. “Huh? You mean Spike and Zecora? They’ve helped me out of several jams. They’re my friends, which is more than I can say for you.”
“You think you’re in any position to tell me off, ya loser?” Orangeglow asked with a sneer.
“I could always set you on fire or throw up on you again,” responded the mayor.
“Yeah, see? That’s what I’m talking about,” Orangeglow said with a hint of triumph in his voice. “Ponyville, which I’m sure has many good ponies who aren’t traitors and criminals like you, doesn’t support me. I don’t know why that giant horse who thinks she’s in charge, Celestia, I don’t know why she gives you all special treatment. Y’know, for everywhere else I have to at least pretend I care about poor ponies dropping dead from Blue-Flu. But here? No. I’m not gonna rest until I’ve brought this town, and you, to your knees. Well, you’re already on your knees so half the work is already done for me.”
“I muss be out of it,” Mayor Mare slurred. “The real Orangeglow duzzin’t …can’t string that many words together at once and still make sense. Me at my drunkest is more cohabit …concomi… uh, coherent than that idiot, so you,” she pointed an accusatory hoof at Orangeglow, “aren’t real.”
“What?!” Orangeglow nearly roared.
“That’s right. I’m on a trip through the cosmos in my mind, thanks to Apple Bloom, gotta love that kid. I was having a good time until you showed up,” said the mayor as Orangeglow’s jaw hung open and his cold beady eyes tried to make sense of anything, causing a tiny bit of drool to fall to the ground.
Orangeglow failed to regain his composure, but he quickly found words with which to respond. “Nasty mare. You think you can treat me like this and get away with it?”
“Of course I can!” The mayor retorted with a chuckle. “Because you’re just a fig-newton of my drunk brain. I can say whatever I want. Like, you’re a fat stupid lazy excuse for a powerless Unicorn and you’re probably a gelding, since I’m pretty sure you have no balls and try to compensate by being a bully and pugnan-… piggi-… pugilist.”
By this point, Orangeglow’s entire face had turned red with rage. “You really want to cross me like this? I will squash you like a bug.”
“Whatever,” Mayor Mare replied as she finished getting upright. “I know I’m halfway in La-La Land right now, but I should probably get back to doing my job. Me with one cylinder going is still ten times better than your real self at full power. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking this bottle-raft though the crystal cavern back to my office. Bye.”
Mayor Mare pushed Orangeglow aside as her floating transport began to move again. She closed her eyes and smiled as she felt the wind blow through her mane. Orangeglow said something, but she could not hear him.
“You really shouldn’t have done that,” Discord said as he poofed into existence next to her.
Mayor Mare laughed, followed by an involuntary hiccup and burp. “I just don’t care anymore, Discord. If Apple Bloom’s Happy-Juice is going to send me on a magical mystery tour, I may as well make the most of it, right? Oh! Do you think you can make this river here flow up? I wanna get to my office to, I dunno, do stuff. And stuff.”
“Well, from your perspective, it kind of already is,” he replied.
Sure enough, the channel began moving upward in a sort of corkscrew for awhile before levelling out, the reflections off the crystal walls gorgeously iridescent. Eventually the raft came to a stop in a small chamber containing Meyer’s desk, chair, and empty drink bottle. With difficulty, she climbed into her chair.
“Thanks for your help, Discord,” she said. “I’m gonna sleep off the rest of my drunk now. I know it’ll be hell in the morning or whenever, but oh well. This is the life I chose.”
Discord gave her a look of uncharacteristic concern. “Oh, I think the hell will happen long before the hangover. I just hope I won’t have to get involved again. With my bad luck, I will. Ugh, doing good gets tiring, you know that?”
Mayor Mare nodded knowingly. “I do. Over a thousand ponies depend on me and so many times I can’t fix every problem. Why do you think I drink? If I was a Unicorn I might have snapped and burned it all down already, like Twilight almost did that one time. I don’t like her, but at least she tries to do the right thing. More than I can say for…” she trailed off.
Discord craned his long neck over to see his lady-friend passed out in the giant leather chair, her wavy grey mane in shambles and her glasses askew. She snored softly, with the occasional hiccup or burp. He watched over her for another minute or so before shrugging and poofing back to wherever it was he felt like being.
Mayor Mare’s dreamless sleep was rudely interrupted by a loud blast and shock wave that sent her hurtling out of her chair into the wall. As her brain and eyes adjusted to unwanted wakefulness, she could make out the blurry upside-down figure of Raven shaking her.
“Meyer! Thank Celestia you’re finally awake!” Raven said.
Only marginally with-it, Meyer responded, “Why do I need to thank her? Is she here? Did she throw me into this wall?”
“Now is not the time to be literal-minded. We have an emergency!” Said Raven with a sense of urgency unusual for her as she helped the mayor to her feet and guided her to the window.
Outside the windows of the mayor’s corner office, where normally one would have seen Ponyville’s main drag and its businesses, albeit empty due to the quarantine order, they saw only fire. Nearly every building between City Hall and the old Town Hall by the river was aflame. The wood frames and thatched roofs only exacerbating the problem as residents and workers scrambled to evacuate their burning domiciles and the fire brigade worked in vain to contain the conflagration.
“What in the hay…?” Mayor Mare quietly asked no one in particular as the magnitude of what she was witnessing hit her like a ton of bricks.
“It just came out of nowhere,” said Raven, her voice quivering. “From the sky, and then …it was all on fire.”
“Wild Dragons?” The mayor asked, but Raven shook her head no.
“Dragon fire doesn’t work that way or go that far. No one as far as I know was able to see who did it. Twilight shot off some spells before I told her to start coordinating the fire brigade.”
Mayor Mare nodded in surprised satisfaction. “Good to know she’s willing to help when it comes down to it.”
A loud crack signifying a temporary breach in the space between spaces plus a brief flash of light heralded Twilight Sparkle’s arrival in the mayor’s office. Meyer and Raven both turned to face her in all her purple non-majesty. Indeed, Twilight looked distinctly frazzled.
“Mayor, I know we don’t always get along,” said Twilight curtly, “but Ponyville has been my home for years now. I’ve made friends here. Of course I would do anything to help in the event of a disaster, especially one neither I nor the other five played any part in.”
“Fair enough,” Mayer said, a tad guiltily. “Since it seems the fire-ponies are as on top of this as they can be for now, can you tell us what you know?”
Twilight nodded. “I didn’t see them coming. No one did. It couldn’t have been a dragon because a dragon’s fire-breath is indiscriminate in what it burns, as you’ve discovered from Spike. Speaking of, I still have no idea where he went and I can’t get in touch with Princess Celestia. Anyway, what I could see were shots deliberately aimed at Ponyville’s thatched roofs from a tremendous altitude. Ultra-precise. I don’t want to believe what I’m about to say, but…” she trailed off.
Mayor Mare rolled her eyes at the dramatic pause. “Twilight, we don’t have time for this. Please, spit it out.”
“Sorry. It’s just that… only the Canterlot Imperial Guards have the skills to pull off an attack like this without being caught,” she finished. “I let loose a few attack spells, but that type of magic really isn’t my forte. I wanted to send Rainbow Dash after the attackers but she flat refused, staying here to help ponies evacuate and lend a wing to the firefighters.”
They looked out the window and, sure enough, a rainbow-coloured streak whizzed by just above street level before pouring a bucket of water on a nearby roof to try and quell its flames, then busting through a wall to herd out whatever inhabitants remained inside.
Twilight spoke as if she was about to cry, likely because she was. “The Palace Guards, trained by my big brother. No matter which way I try to take the logic based on what I’ve seen, that’s the only answer that makes any sense. Princess Celestia’s personal army attacked Ponyville. Why?? She loves this town! Did I do something to displease her?” Twilight began to hyperventilate.
“I honestly doubt it,” replied Mayor Mare truthfully, placing her hoof on Twilight’s trembling shoulder.
Suddenly, Raven’s eyes lit up. “Twilight,” she said gently, “I was inside when the attack began, so I’m wondering if you happen to know the first building that was hit.”
Twilight looked quizzically at the mayor’s faithful assistant, but took the question seriously. “Actually, several ponies, trying to still keep their distance while fleeing due to the pandemic, told me that it was the hospital.”
At that, Raven frowned and furrowed her brow. “I thought so,” she said.
Mayor Mare stared blankly at the other two, but the metaphorical rusted gears that made up what was left of her brain slowly began to creak to life. “Hospital. Blue-Flu. Funding…”
“Exactly,” Raven replied. “You’ll get to the answer I did soon enough, Meyer.”
“What are you two talking about?” Asked Twilight as a nearby Pegasus firefighting squad began to unload the contents of a massive basin onto the still-burning buildings.
“Twilight, Celestia would never in a million years order an attack on Ponyville. You know that better than anyone,” said Raven matter-of-factly. “In fact, we all know she goes out of her way to protect our little town. Members of her guard have gone rogue. Meyer and I saw it firsthand at the border with the Crystal Empire some weeks back. Ponyville’s hospital being specifically targeted just confirms it.”
“Rogue?!” Twilight blurted out in disbelief. “That’s crazy! Just like Shining Armor, they swore an oath to Princess Celestia. It’s an incredibly difficult, thorough vetting process.”
“Maybe you should get in touch with your brother and ask him what he dealt with when trying to escort us back here,’ Mayor Mare intoned gravely. “It wasn’t pretty. Being turned on by his former comrades never is. Neither is murder, even if it was undeniably self-defence. He may or may not spare you the details.”
Twilight shook her head in disbelief. “I just can’t believe any of this is happening…”
Mayor Mare bowed her head. “And… friggin’ sobriety… if what I’m thinking happened in my dream was not, in fact, a dream, then this is probably my fault. I might have accidentally brought the wrath here myself.”
“What?!” Twilight asked, staring at the mayor as if she’d grown a second head.
Before the conversation could continue any further, the door burst open and Apple Bloom ran into the office, tears streaming down her face, eyes already bloodshot.
“Apple Bloom! What’s wrong??” All three mares asked in unison.
After some time sniffling and trying to compose her breathing, Apple Bloom finally spoke.
“It’s Granny Smith. She got the Blue-Flu. I didn’t get too close but… what I saw was just like you said on those flyers, Twilight. Zecora hightailed it back to the Forest once everything started catching’ on fire. Big sis and Big Mac are here in town helping’ the firefighters so they ain’t seen how bad she’s gotten. I…” she sniffed, “I don’t think she’s gonna make it.”
Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
“This isn’t funny anymore,” Discord complained as he sat on a hitching post he had conjured next to Princess Celestia’s marble Sun Throne, which was at the moment bathed in all colours of the rainbow plus some not as the setting sun shone through the multiple stained glass windows adorning both long walls of the cathedral-like room.
The princess frowned grimly and bobbed her head in agreement. “No. No it is not. Pandemics should not be, I am sure even you can agree. Since our conclave, we have been doing everything in our power to limit all Equestrian residents’ exposure to the Blue-Flu. I was hoping with all my heart that Ponyville would escape it, mostly or entirely. Obviously those wishes have been dashed.”
At that, Princess Luna, sitting on her own basalt throne to Celestia’s right, blinking her eyes as she forced herself into wakefulness, injected herself into the conversation. “We understand Twilight Sparkle has been assisting with relief and care, to the point of offering her own domicile as a makeshift infirmary.”
Celestia and Discord both nodded as Celestia responded, “She can be quite giving when she needs to be, as any Princess should.”
Discord scoffed. “To be honest, I didn’t think she had it in her; she’s so persnickety about her everything, but she’s impressed me over the past couple of weeks as she’s worked to help all the sick ponies in that town. Mayhaps I should cut back on my needling of her?” He pondered this for a long moment. “…Nah. Need to keep her on her toe.”
“But,” Luna said, a look of clear concern on her face, “I have heard that Ms Granny Smith, Ponyville’s largest landowner, has contracted the disease and is near death.”
“What?!” Celestia and Discord exclaimed in unison.
“Am I incorrect?” Luna asked.
Discord shrugged and threw his hands into the air, eventually catching them in his mouth and swallowing them, not speaking until they had regrown on his mismatched arms. “Mm, kinda yeah.”
“Dear Sister?” queried Luna again for confirmation.
Celestia bore a look of confusion mixed with concern. “That she may have contracted the virus cannot be discounted, but the idea of her of all ponies being near death is literally impossible.”
“What do you think she’s playing at?” Discord asked Celestia with unusual seriousness.
Celestia lowered her head. “I do not know. You are the one who most often has direct contact with her, so I would assume you are more familiar with the situation.”
“I can’t reach her,” said Discord, shaking his head. “Every time I’ve tried to get into her room, I bounce off like she’s in some sort of balloon. Or a really, really thick bubble like the one I conjured awhile back.”
“A ward,” Celestia said, more to herself than the other two as she scratched her chin. “Powerful one if even Discord can’t break through it. What is she…?”
Just then, a grey Pegasus mare with misaligned eyes wearing a courier’s outfit, burst through the double doors of the throne room, flying just above the floor until she eventually hit the red velvet carpet and skidded to a stop just in front of the steps leading to the thrones. Once she had righted herself, she reached into her saddlebag and took out an envelope sealed with wax. “Your Princessnesses,” she said, “This is for you.” She held it out towards them.
Celestia levitated the letter towards herself as the cock-eyed mare, her job complete, saluted and made a valiant attempt to fly away, though she smacked into at least two columns before finally making it through the doors, which Luna shut behind her as Celestia opened the yellowed envelope to read the contents inside.
The two regal Alicorns and the draconequus read the letter, albeit at different speeds. Luna, unused to modern writing styles, went over it slowly; Celestia, who read mountains of paperwork on a normal day, glanced at every third word before realizing she needed to reread it more carefully; Discord conjured a brass staff with a head shaped like that of an ancient mare, had it read the letter, and then relay it to him in a voice closely mimicking the sender. Once all had finished mentally digesting its contents, Discord began to chuckle before soon giving way to mirthful guffaws, causing Luna to tilt her head in confusion.
“Prithee tell, wherefore the laughter, Discord?” Luna asked.
Celestia, bearing a smirk, spoke as Discord dealt with the giggles. “I must say, even by her standards, this is an audacious plan. She must have spent weeks fine-tuning its details, which would also explain her supposed convalescence.”
“Maybe she’s spent too much time around me,” said Discord, stifling his laughter for the moment. “I know she loved the chaos I pulled at the border so-called wall.”
“Perhaps she has,” Celestia said, still smirking. “Regardless, it would appear everything is coming to a head, and I must prepare forthwith. Luna, are you willing to stay awake to carry out your part from here? The timing of each event will be crucial.”
“Verily, I am,” replied Luna. “I have faith that mine aim shall be true.”
Celestia gave a furtive nod. “Good to hear, sister. Certainly we do not want any more innocents to lose their lives, especially by our hooves. Discord, are you ready?”
She received no answer as Discord had already blinked out of existence.
With a smiling scoff, Celestia mused, “Even after fifteen hundred or more years, some things never change. Fare thee well, Luna.”
“Indeed,” said Luna, rolling her eyes as Celestia exited the throne room through a secret back door leading directly to her personal chambers.
In the fertile northern half of the massive valley formed by the Palomino River and its tributaries, neither the town of Ponyville nor its inhabitants were in high spirits. Down the eastern road marched a Pegasus mare with light-orange coat, sienna mane, green eyes, and a cutie mark consisting of party-crackers and streamers, hitched to an empty wagon. She wore a surgical mask. A small purple dragon holding a rusted cowbell and its striker rode on her back as she called out to the townsfolk.
“Bring out yer dead!!” The mare bellowed through the mask, followed shortly by the dragon hitting the cowbell, which emitted an unsatisfying ‘dunk!’.
This pattern continued a few more times until, near the Old Town Hall where masked ponies had gathered to see their mayor, the two were stopped by an extremely livid purple Alicorn also wearing a mask: the one and only Twilight Sparkle, who assumed an air of authority she may or may not have actually had.
“This isn’t funny!” she snapped at the Pegasus. “Some ponies really have lost loved ones, including me! You, uh…” Twilight searched her memory banks for a name but came up empty.
The orange Pegasus smirked. “Shenanigan,” she said.
“Fitting,” groused Twilight. “Why don’t I know you?”
Shenanigan shrugged. “I’m not from here, duh. I was travelling from Trottingham to Appleloosa when the quarantines left me stuck here. Figured I could spice things up.”
“By making light of an actual pandemic that has killed actual ponies?!” Twilight nearly screamed, incredulous.
“Hey, I run a joke shop back home,” retorted Shenanigan. “What do you expect me to do? It’s not my nature to get all mopey no matter how nasty the world may be.”
Twilight sighed. “But your joke is in ridiculously poor taste.”
“How many ponies in Ponyville have died of Blue-Flu?”
Twilight pondered for a second. “Hundreds if not thousands across Equestria. Though, none here in Ponyville… YET. But that means nothing! We have one old mare who is in seriously poor health due to this! I don’t care what Pinkie Pie said way back when; the last thing we need in the face of genuine danger is levity! But the thing that angers me even more than you and your sick joke is Spike going along with it!” She pointed her hoof accusingly at the small purple dragon.
The dragon rolled his eyes and, just to rub it in, smacked the cowbell one last time. “Come on, Twilight. You left me locked up in your tree-castle for days. Dragons can’t get Blue Flu and I’m pretty sure we can’t carry it either, so what was the point? I figured I may as well slip out and take part in this largely pointless OC cameo.”
Twilight, through a combination of frustration and rage, smacked her head into the ground for lack of a table.
“Shenanigan,” said Twilight, muffled. “Get out of here. I’m a Princess; just give any highway or town guards my name. Spike? Since you’re out anyway, you may as well join me at Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Whatever,” Spike replied in affirmation as he hopped off Shenanigan’s back. “Thanks, Shanny. It’s been real.”
“Not a problem,” Shenanigan said with a wan smile. “Thank you for being part of my cameo.”
With nary another word, the orange Pegasus turned back east and headed out of town, still occasionally calling for sequestered ponies to bring out their nonexistent dead but, without Spike to hit the cowbell, the spectacle lacked panache and she soon went silent.
Meanwhile, Spike walked along the western road; Twilight had refused his request for a ride.
On the west side of Ponyville stood the rolling hills of Sweet Apple Acres, its original virgin forests long since given way to myriad apple orchards. There was also, in a far corner of the property, a massive concrete and metal structure enclosing a concrete yard where once a small hill had stood. Inside and unable to leave were various and sundry non-ponies roaming around while being watched by Royal Guards, who paced the parapets as if such a lonely place were the Palace or Tartarus. The souls inside lacked any shade and had to share a single big water tank that had long since lost any semblance of cleanliness.
Closer to the farm’s entrance stood the main house, fittingly built in the Dutch Barn style and painted red with white trim. On one side, the front door hung open as a few ponies, all wearing facemasks, came in and out. Twilight, with Spike on her back, entered, coming face to face with three glum ponies who were clearly related. They were not wearing masks.
“Any change?” Twilight asked.
“Nope,” replied Big Macintosh, forlorn, as he sat in a corner of the room that was clearly his spot.
Applejack tapped her hoof on the wood floor with irritation. “We can’t get in there to see Granny. No one can except Zecora, and she’s been in there for at least the last three hours. Maybe she’ll come out soon an’ give us some sorta news.”
“Not knowing is the worst part, I know,” said Twilight tenderly, sniffing back a tear.
“Speakin’ of,” Applejack spoke. “I’m so sorry to hear about yer dad. Y’know ya really should be in Canterlot lookin’ after yer mom; ya don’t need ta be here.”
Twilight sighed. “I know. And… I was there. So were Shiny and Cadance. Big bro is still at the main house. But, once Father… left us, there wasn’t much point in my staying around. Mother and I rarely see eye-to-eye on things, and I’m betting that will just get worse with Father no longer around. Even though he’d been sick for years and Blue-Flu was just the last straw, his presence calmed the household. My situation has always been …complicated.”
“Family usually is, sugarcube,” replied Applejack as she placed a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.
Twilight turned to the filly in the room. “Apple Bloom? Are you okay?”
Apple Bloom said nothing, merely staring straight ahead. Not at anything but rather through everything.
“She’s practically catatonic,” said Twilight.
Big Macintosh nodded his head in agreement. “Eeyup.”
“She an’ Granny Smith have gotten real close these last few years,” Applejack waxed. “I don’t know how she’ll handle …the inevitable. Even if it don’t come today or this week, Granny’s real dang old. Somethin’ ‘ll take ‘er out sooner than later.”
Just then, Zecora, with great effort, pushed her way through the magic ward surrounding Granny Smith’s room. Through the oily ripple effect, Twilight could see an ancient mare laying half-dead in a four-poster bed covered in hoof-made quilts. Zecora approached them.
“Any change?” Applejack asked.
Zecora shook her head, causing the golden rings around her neck to jingle slightly.
“Not even a rhyming couplet to act as a paean for us?”
Zecora shook her head again. “Though speaking would allay me, whoever gives me words is far too lazy.”
Twilight and Applejack cocked their heads in utter befuddlement as Zecora began to walk out, but her exit was stopped by Mayor Meyer Mare, who wore what appeared to be an extremely thick mask around her snout and held a tape recorder. Immediately behind her skittered Raven Inkwell, trying and failing to catch her attention. The mayor stopped in front of Applejack and, with her most upright bearing, began to give some sort of speech.
“Mmmph, mmph, mphph, mmmmph, nmph,” the Mayor orated through her mask, pointing her right hoof outward and making a sweeping motion.
Raven, also wearing a disposable surgical mask, facehoofed before trying to get her boss’s attention again. “Meyer, I told you before you left the office, before you gave that public speech at the Podium in front of Old Town Hall, that fifteen masks at once is not going to make you fifteen times safer!”
“Mmmph?” Asked the Mayor.
“Pity too,” said Raven with a resigned sigh, “Today’s oratory really was your best since I first came to Ponyville to work for you. At least we had that.” She motioned to the tape player.
The Mayor nodded, then reached behind her, felt nothing, and started flailing her hoof like she had a parasprite infestation. “MMPH!” She snipped.
“There’s no reason to curse,” Raven chided. “After all, you should know from personal experience that even the strongest booze can’t make it through fifteen layers of cloth. Also, you ran out of hooch yesterday.”
“MMMMMMPHH!!!” Mayor Mare cried.
“Also,” continued Raven, “you’re here to see your old friend, not hit up her granddaughter for spirituous liquors. Given the situation, it would be rude to ask.”
Mayor Mare sighed, drooping her head. “Mmph,” she admitted, glumly, as she dropped the tape recorder.
“Hey,” said Raven as she picked up the device. “How come most of you aren’t wearing masks? Doing so is a municipal order.”
Applejack shrugged. “Wel’p, seein’ as Granny’s sick as a dog that ate rotten meat, we’ve already been exposed, so… what’s the point? Also, with Apple Bloom, the Celestial Senate said kids don’t get sick from Blue-Flu.”
“You wear the mask to protect others from you , not the other way around!” Raven and Twilight yelled at her in unison, then stared at each other. Their smirks were not visible behind the masks, but one could see it in their eyes.
“Wait, hold on,” said Applejack. “Big Mac, are they serious? They ain’t yankin’ our chains, are they?”
Big Macintosh, still in the far corner, shook his head as he stood up. “Nnnope,” he replied.
A look of shock and worry spread across Applejack’s face. “But… I ain’t sick. He ain’t sick. ‘Bloom ain’t sick.”
“Not unlike those who pass through magical barriers, Blue-Flu can create asymptomatic carriers,” Zecora explained.
“Uh…! I… Bye,” said Applejack as quickly as she could as she galloped up to her room at top speed and slammed the door behind her.
“Mmph,” Mayor Mare replied as Apple Bloom continued to sit in her spot, catatonic, while Big Mac donned a mask he’d taken off a nearby shelf and made his way from his corner past the motley gathering to the hallway containing Granny Smith’s room.
However, he bounced off the magic barrier upon trying to enter, causing him to involuntarily blurt out, “What the hay?!”
“Wow. That’s one powerful shield,” Twilight said in genuine awe. “I’m not sure if even Shining Armor can summon one that strong. …Hmm, actually he probably can because, you know, prodigy just like me.”
Everyone in the room except Apple Bloom rolled their eyes.
Just then, a strained voice cried out from Granny Smith’s room, clearly from the old mare herself. “AAAAGH! I THINK THIS HERE’S THE BIG ’N! GIT READY, STETSON, I’M COMIN’ TA JOIN YA, HONEY!”
At that, Zecora immediately bolted back into the room. Spike followed her and, to Twilight’s surprise, made it through the barrier as if it didn’t exist.
“How did he do that?” Twilight asked no one in particular, confused.
“Dragons are immune to Blue-Flu due to their high body temperatures,” explained Raven. “Honestly, Twilight. For a mare who’s lived with a dragon for so many years, you really ought to know more about them.”
A sharp intake of breath behind her mask signalled Twilight’s irritation. “Well. I know, uh… Okay, Princess Celestia actually did the bulk of raising him because I was too young. Even so, I do my best to make sur—”
From Granny Smith’s room came a choked scream, then a nasty gargling noise, then silence.
Though it was nearly impossible to tell because of the masks, everyone’s jaws dropped as they involuntarily stepped back and away from the hall, Mayor Mare nearly tripping over her own tape recorder as her back hoof pushed its big red button.
For an interminable several moments, no one could muster a coherent thought, much less a single word to say. Eventually Twilight broke the ice in an uncharacteristically soft voice.
“Oh no!”
“Oh yes!” replied a gruff yet high-pitched masculine voice they had all heard before.
Just inside the doorway of the Apple Clan house stood Orangeglow, Chancellor of Equestria, wearing no mask. His eyes were bloodshot, his umber coat looked more pale than usual, and his hairpiece was off-kilter. Nonetheless, he cut an imposing figure due to his bearing, plus being flanked by Royal Guards. He choked back a cough before continuing to speak.
“So, uh, sucks she’s gone. But, one pony’s loss is another’s gain! In this case, mine. With Sweet Apple Acres’s owner dead, so is her lawsuit against me! I win by default. As compensation I’ll be taking this farm!”
Everyone in the room blurted out in total disbelief, “What?!” Apple Bloom fainted.
“That’s right!” Orangeglow gloated. “I win. Just like I always do. Now you losers get outta my house! Tomorrow I’m gonna tear it down and start building Orangeglow Tower Ponyville. Also, I’ll be expanding that facility I built on the hill so I can fill it with more nasty lowlifes like thieving dragons and stupid zebras and other freaks!”
“You mean ‘concentration camp’,” Raven snapped.
“Who cares? All that matters is I get what I want. And this camp is gonna be amazing. Stupendous! The best most escape-proof camp in all of Equestria!” He stifled a cough.
At this, everyone conscious was seeing red, especially Big Macintosh, who was of course already red, but he was also the only entity in the room besides the guards who was larger than Orangeglow. He said nothing as he used his powerful left-hook to send the Chancellor crumpling to the floor. That accomplished, he bowed his head as the Guards arrested him and escorted him out. Orangeglow coughed again, dry-heaving as he attempted to right himself. Eventually the Royal Guards came to assist him.
“Thanks for nothin’,” he snapped at them. “It’s so hard to find good help these days. Anyway, now that I’ve arrested that big red horse, there really is no one to stop my takeover of this pathetic farm. From here, I’ll do a hostile takeover of Ponyville. The puny old Mayor, who’s always hated me…”
“Mmph,” Mayor Mare agreed as he continued.
“…and the lowlife Princess without a kingdom won’t be able to do anything. After that, all I need to do is have the Senate dispose those two freaks of nature and I’ll be in charge of Equestria! My stallion brigades are standing back and standing by. All I have to do is give the signal and all you worthless pinheads will be gone! LAW AND ORDER!!”
At that, five more Royal Guards appeared at the door to take everyone into custody. Twilight found herself blunted by a suppression ring on her horn and a back-kick to her side rendering one of her wings immobile. The Mayor and Raven, knowing they were powerless against the soldiers, especially while sober, quietly acquiesced to being placed in hoof-cuffs. Orangeglow watched this with glee, then frowned as he coughed again.
“Really? This is it? After four years of trying to take out Ponyville’s leaders, this is it?! It’s too easy. This isn’t fun. I need you all to feel worse! I won! I’ve won so much you all should be sick of me winning! You’re not giving me anything! Be miserable!!” Orangeglow demanded.
“So, in the end, this is what ya are? Just a pathetic old stallion who can’t feel a gol’ durned thing unless others suffer,” a crackly old female voice called out from the hallway.
Orangeglow turned around to find himself face to face with a healthy-looking Granny Smith. His jaw dropped a little as a tiny cough came out.
“How are you alive?!” he demanded. “We all saw you die!”
Granny Smith cackled. “Nope. Y’all heard me die. Actin’ classes. Might wanna invest in ‘em next time. Irregardless, not even death can take me out. Even if it could, I ain’t ready ta go just yet. But I am more’n ready to give you yer well-deserved comeuppance.”
At that, Orangeglow got over his shock and snorted disdainfully. “How? Just because you’re still alive doesn’t change a thing. Your grandson is still going to the dungeons and my plans are full speed ahead.”
“I don’t think so,” replied Granny as she looked towards the ceiling. “Discord!!”
The eponymous draconequus poofed into existence next to the aged mare. “My Lady,” he said as he performed an over-the-top curtsy and bowed his head.
Seeing Discord caused Orangeglow’s eye to involuntarily twitch, but not as much as it did when he heard what Granny said next.
“Ya hear ever’thing he said?”
“Hm, no,” Discord replied. “Only most of it. It took a few seconds longer than expected to crack those magical wards keeping all the non-equine creatures in that concentration camp. But I most definitely did hear most everything about his plot to overthrow the Princesses and…” he pulled his Granny-Smith-head brass staff out of his armpit, “So have they .”
He looked down past Orangeglow at the floor whereupon he immediately noticed and swooped up Mayor Mare’s tape recorder.
“Hm!” Discord said, clearly impressed. “Looks like you were right about our Mayor. She had the foresight to press ‘Record’ on this before the Gestapo arrested her. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but in the Celestial justice system, this is what they call ‘evidence’, right?”
“Yep!” replied Granny Smith.
By this point, steam was figuratively coming out of Orangeglow’s ears; a snap of Discord’s fingers made it literal, causing Granny Smith to cackle even louder.
“There’s something else we need you to see, Chancellor,” Discord told Orangeglow as he snapped his fingers again and teleported everyone away from the house.
They appeared on the closest hill to the illegally built concentration camp, staring right at it. It appeared completely abandoned.
“W-where… *cough* are the guards?” Orangeglow asked, his voice belying sickness.
“Oh, them? Well, Granny and I had a long talk about it, and we eventually agreed it was for the best to also evacuate them before,” explained Discord.
“Before what?” Orangeglow demanded.
Discord shrugged as he lifted his eyes to the sky. “That.”
Orangeglow turned just in time to see a tiny meteor appear on the horizon and soon strike the camp dead-on, reducing it and the hill to a smouldering crater. The shockwave from the blast knocked everyone back several feet and sent Orangeglow toppling over into a coughing fit. This time, no one was willing to help him up.
Discord looked towards Equus Mountain, home of Canterlot Royal Palace, and gave the “OK” sign with a wink.
It didn’t take long for everyone else to recover from the shock and make their way to where Discord and Granny Smith stood and Orangeglow lay, he surrounded by a bubble-shield because, as Twilight reiterated, Blue-Flu is highly contagious.
“Yeah I’m purty sure he’s got the real thing,” said Granny Smith. “That cough ain’t normal.”
Twilight turned to the Apple matriarch, mildly irritated. “But you didn’t?”
Granny Smith smiled wryly. “Nope. Can’t get into specifics, but somethin’ like Blue-Flu is the last thing I need ta worry ‘bout. This was all a show for the Chancellor here. Y’all just happened ta get caught up in it.”
Twilight wasn’t impressed. “You made your family worried sick! You made the entire town worry! You probably made the Princesses worry!”
“I can assure you, Twilight,” Discord said as he patted Twilight’s shoulder, “the Princesses were not the least bit concerned. Who do you think flattened the concentration camp with a meteorite?”
“…You were all in on it…” Twilight said, her emotions a whirlwind.
Spike shook his head. “I wasn’t.”
“Before you start to pry, nor was I,” said Zecora. “Though I could tell with but a glance or two that Ms Granny Smith never had Blue-Flu. ‘Keep it quiet,’ she appealed. So, my lips were sealed.”
Raven and the Mayor simply stared at Discord and Granny Smith, and occasionally to the blast crater, shaking their heads in disbelief.
Mayor Mare spoke, her fifteen masks having flown off during the blast. “This may be the craziest story I’ve ever been a part of. …And I was sober this time!”
“By the way, Madam Mayor,” Discord said as he presented the tape recorder, “Why did you really have this with you?”
The mayor blushed as Raven explained. “The beginning of the tape has prerecorded applause, just in case one of her speeches isn’t going well. We’ll play it over the loudspeaker to make townsponies think what she’s saying is more popular than it actually is.”
“Oldest trick in the book,” replied Mayor Mare with more than a hint of guilt.
Discord held up his Granny-Smith-staff and spoke into it like a walky-talky, “Your highnesses! I assume you heard everything I did. Even if you didn’t, Mayor Meyer Mare got his entire confession on tape. That should be enough, right?”
At that, the head of the staff morphed into Princess Celestia’s likeness. “Indeed it is,” said the staff in Celestia’s voice.
“Oh!” Granny Smith interjected. “Tell Luna thanks for the meteorite! A li’l damage to my land was worth it to get that durned camp outta here!”
“I will let her know,” replied Celestia-staff. “She returned to bed as soon as she arranged the strike. I am glad that your plan, convoluted as it was, worked.”
Granny Smith blushed. “Well, thank ya kindly, Celestia.”
“What right do you have to talk to the Princesses so casually?!” Twilight snapped as she marched toward them. “Even I don’t do that and I am legally a Princess!
“Twilight, how Granny Smith and I converse with each other is none of your concern,” Celestia-staff said sternly. “Also, I have some tasks for you, if you would.”
“Absolutely!” Twilight replied in maximum suck-up mode.
Celestia-staff cleared her brass throat. “First, have my Guards arrest Chancellor Orangeglow. Meyer’s recording should be more than enough for a sane jury to convict him of high treason against the Realm. Then, please find and round up all the refugees Discord set free and bring them to Ponyville’s carrefour so my bureaucrats can figure out where they belong.”
“Aye-aye!” said Twilight with a salute. Then she galloped off.
After a tearful reunion with the three remaining members of her immediate family, Granny Smith waited until after dark and the others were all asleep before she ventured outside her home, past the stand of ancient gnarled Zap-Apple trees, and up the nearest hill just behind the barn. Discord was waiting for her.
“I’m surprised you didn’t use the opportunity to let yourself be reborn,” he said.
Granny Smith chuckled at that. “Y’all were expectin’ that, weren’t ya?”
“Kinda, yeah,” Discord admitted.
“Discord, you oughta know, as Celestia learned a long time ago, no one decides when it’s my time ta go ‘cept me. Now, I can’t lie and say my time ain’t comin’ soon. But, I got a lot of preparation work ta do ‘fore I snuff it, an’ I ain’t started it yet,” explained Granny calmly.
“Didn’t realize it was so complicated.”
“Wel’p, it is. An’ that’s another thing I had to learn the hard way. Anywho, I appreciate your help in makin’ this plan work out. Lemme know how Orangeglow’s trial goes.”
“You won’t attend?” Discord asked, somewhat surprised.
Granny Smith shook her head. “Naw. Got too much to do here an’ now. Speakin’ of, I’ma head back ta get me some well-earned rest. Plus I need ta fix somethin’ special fer Twilight. Not ever’ day ya lose yer dad. She’s holdin’ up a lot better’n I did way back when. So… ‘night.”
Discord watched as she slowly tottered back to her home.
“Good night… Annie,” he whispered before blinking out of existence.
Home Is Where The Sanity Isn't
Mayor Meyer Mare stood above the smouldering remains of what just two hours earlier had been Equestria’s largest internment camp. The acrid smoke from melted metal and charred rock wafted into her nose, causing her to involuntarily grimace and shed a tear. Raven Inwell, ever the dutiful assistant, approached her.
“Meyer, your glasses are, uh, off-kilter. Let me fix them,” she said quietly.
The mayor turned to her and, upon noticing how Raven’s own glasses were even more akimbo and her bun had mostly fallen apart, with strands of mane draped randomly down her neck, tried to suppress a chuckle.
“Raven, for once you may need more help than I do.”
Nonetheless, Raven stuck out her hoof and adjusted her boss’s half-rimmed spectacles. Mayor Mare attempted to do the same in return but missed and nearly fell over.
“Okay,” said Meyer, “I might be wrong. Still. What do we do from here?”
Raven shrugged. “I …guess we go back to City Hall?”
Just then, both of them realized their protective masks were nowhere to be found. The mayor uttered a worried curse that cannot be repeated in an E-rated story.
“It’s fine, Meyer,” replied Raven gently. “As far as either of us know, we haven’t been exposed to Blue-Flu. Perhaps we both head straight to our homes and get fresh masks.”
“I used all of mine for that speech,” Mayor Mare said, blushing. Raven facehoofed.
Just then, Princess Celestia flew in and landed next to them, her massive white presence overpowering yet disarming as she sported a smirk. Raven immediately prostrated herself; Mayor Mare did not.
“It is finally over, I see,” said the Princess, sagely. “Given the circumstances, I do not believe a more acceptable outcome would have been possible.”
Mayor Mare stared, glassy-eyed, while Raven cocked her head to ask, “Is… is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
“You may interpret it however you wish,” Princess Celestia answered. “That said, I am glad to see the end of that camp. While its resolution took more time than I would have preferred, the will of the heavens has been accomplished and balance restored to this special land.”
“What makes it so ‘special’?” asked Raven. The mayor began to answer but Celestia cut her off.
“This area that is now Sweet Apple Acres was granted via Royal Charter in perpetuity to the Apple Clan over a quarter of a millennium ago. As long as one member of that family survives and continues to inhabit the land, I am honour-bound to protect it and Ponyville with far more directness than I do the rest of our realm,” Celestia explained.
“Speaking of,” said the mayor, “You must be glad Granny Smith’s still alive, since as long as I’ve been here you two seem to be really close.”
Celestia lowered her head slightly. “As I have said before, our relationship is somewhat complicated for reasons I am not allowed to speak. Nevertheless, you and she both helped to compel me to refocus my attention where it belongs.”
“And the Blue-Flu?” Raven asked pointedly.
“I have learned, yet again, that sometimes if one wishes a task to be carried out successfully, one must undertake it oneself,” said Celestia. “Rest assured that as of today I shall control Equestria’s pandemic response myself, as my government continues to abrogate its authority.”
“Well, that’s good,” Mayor Mare said noncommittally.
“By the way,” Celestia told the mayor. “I realized the other day that your term as Ponyville’s mayor ends in just over two moons. I am sure you are looking forward to a peaceful retirement with your pension.”
“Can’t lie about that one,” Mayor Mare replied with a chuckle. “These last ten years have been tough.”
She turned to Raven, who looked absolutely crestfallen. That caused Meyer to lower her head and blush with an expression that screamed ‘I’m a jerk’. Before any more could be said, Celestia continued.
“I am afraid you will need to postpone your retirement plans for the near future. I have renominated you to your post for another term!” Celestia said, her tone buoyant.
Mayor Mare’s jaw dropped.
“Wh… buh… HUH? After everything I’ve done wrong since you first appointed me, especially in the last five years, after trying to subvert the system itself to get myself fired, you’re still keeping me on?!” asked the mayor, flabbergasted.
“You are the best pony for the job,” Celestia and Raven replied in near-unison, then looked at each other, smiling.
Mayor Mare shook her head. “I don’t believe it. But, I guess it is what it is. Ponyville is stuck with me for another… X years, I guess.”
“They will accept it,” said Celestia, obviously meaning it. “Now, I must take my leave of you two, for there is a stallion I need to meet and …discuss certain matters.”
Celestia flew away, leaving the two speechless.
Down the Western Road headed out of Ponyville, in the direction of Canterlot, which on-hoof was several days’ worth of walking, trumped Chancellor Orangeglow. His mood stood in stark contrast to the gorgeous weather, the clear blue sky occasionally punctuated with fluffy cumulus clouds, a gentle breeze on which wafted the tunes of the songbirds and the babbling of the ever-moving water of the River Ferrus.
Orangeglow’s blond mane, such as it was, was dishevelled and droopy. He moved with an irregular gait. That plus his swayback and the bags that had appeared under his beady blue eyes suddenly belied his true age. He didn’t care; he simply kept moving down the road, snarling all the time.
“I can’t believe them,” he groused aloud to himself. “They pulled one over on me. No one punks Orangeglow and gets away with it. It’s fake. They’re all fake news. I won. I always win. I’ll send in the lawyers and show them. Stupid ponies. They’ll never defeat me. Not even that stupid white horse that thinks she’s in charge. It’s a fraud. I’ll fire them all. They’re fired! They’re fired!”
Right about this time, Orangeglow bumped headlong into something, or rather someone .
“Watch where you’re goin’, stupi—!” he snapped before realizing who he’d run into that caused his voice to immediately cut out.
“Glad to see you too, Chancellor,” said Princess Celestia in her best fake-polite tone.
Orangeglow glanced to his left for a second in an attempt to gather his thoughts before responding. “Princess! Can you believe what some of our subjects in that sh– uh, craphole Ponyville did? They destroyed one of our beautiful and totally legal camps for illegals! They’re going against the will of the government. Our government! I hereby claim we should send as many guard forces into that town as possible to restore LAW AND ORDER!!”
As he spoke, Celestia listened but her face showed naught but utter boredom. “Uh-huh,” she said. “Orangeglow, you and I need to have a little talk.”
“About what??” Orangeglow asked, taking a step back, clearly on the defensive.
Celestia’s mouth smiled, but her eyes did not. “I do not think you understand quite how Equestria operates, despite having had four years to learn. This is not a Presidential Republic; it is a Principality in the form of a diarchy. You are not the ultimate authority. I am. Or, at night, my lovely sister, who incidentally was the one who destroyed that infernal camp.”
“WHAT?!” roared Orangeglow. “She had no right…”
“She had every right,” Celestia interrupted, authority steadily creeping into her voice. “She did it at my request.”
Orangeglow fumed. Normally he would have used his physical size to intimidate other ponies, but that was obviously not possible with the ancient princess standing before him.
“When the Imperial Senate chose you to be my next Chancellor,” Celestia continued, “I was against it. However, Luna insisted I give you the opportunity and accept the will of ponies who, though they possess title, lack immortality. She felt it would legitimize us as well. For four years… I endured you. I endured your crass behaviour, corruption, classism, and open hostility towards non-pony citizens of My realm. An attempt by the minority in My Senate to remove you failed on a factional vote, leaving me stuck with you. Even as you openly spoke of overthrowing me, I kept quiet, for I felt it was in the best interests of My citizens. However, your actions today against a fellow Princess along with defilement of a Royally Chartered Domain are too much to overlook, even for Me.”
Orangeglow scoffed. “Get to the point.”
“Very well,” said Celestia with a weary sigh. “Chancellor Orangeglow, there are enough witnesses to your words and actions now that my guards can and will place you under arrest for Sedition.”
“Ha!” Orangeglow ha’d. “They’re not your guards anymore! What’s a princess without an army, huh?”
“Yes… about that…”
Celestia did not need to finish speaking as a magenta bolt of magic smacked Orangeglow in his left side, knocking the wind out of him as he crumpled to the ground. As he did, Celestia summoned hoof-cuffs that essentially hog-tied him. From nearby appeared Shining Armor, blowing at his horn as one would a recently fired blunderbuss. He reached into a saddlebag and placed a small gold ring around Orangeglow’s smaller-than-average Unicorn horn.
“Thank you for coming to join me on such short notice, Shining Armor,” Celestia said.
Shining Armor nodded. “Not a problem. I was already here for, y’know, dad.”
“Yes. And I know I deserve no forgiveness for my role in his death,” she replied.
“Princess,” Shining Armor tried to comfort her, “I don’t think even you could have anticipated how badly he would handle the Blue-Flu outbreak. Twily and I lost our dad, sure, but plenty of families have suffered much worse. Caddy said she’s got the Crystal Empire under control, so I can continue to root out Orangeglow supporters in the Royal Guard ranks. I can be very persuasive.”
“By all means, please do,” said Celestia. “I cannot imagine his faction to be all that large.”
“It isn’t, but it does include certain key figures,” Shining Armor replied.
Celestia sighed, a bit forlorn. “This would not be the first time I have had to perform a purge of My guard and the Senate.”
“Really?” asked Shining Armor as he loaded the unconscious Orangeglow into a wagon to be carried back to Canterlot by four Pegasus Royal Guards.
“It is true,” Celestia replied. “Shortly after the Great War between Luna and myself, I realized I had allowed too much power to concentrate in the hooves of those whose interests were not those of Equestria. After we abandoned Everfree to its fate and built Canterlot, I dealt with them personally. It is not a part of history of which I am proud, but it had to be. Such as it was then, and the two or three times in the interim, so I suppose it must be now.”
Shining Armor turned to the guards and ordered them back to Canterlot with Chancellor Orangeglow in tow. “So… what do you want me to do with the Guards? I mean, even though a bunch of them look up to me, I’m not in charge anymore.”
Celestia closed her eyes and lowered her head, her words coming out with difficulty. “As I am sure my sister would say: ‘Do whatever thou must, however thou wilt.’”
The look on Shining Armor’s face was a mixture of sadness and resignation. “Understood.”
With a loud crack, he disappeared.
Celestia had only about a minute alone before another loud crack signalled the arrival of another old acquaintance.
“You look so glum, my dear Princess. It doesn’t suit you at all,” said the deep male voice
“No, Discord. No it does not,” she said.
“But a genuine purge ? The first in a thousand years?? Sounds exciting! I look forward to the chaos,” concluded Discord with an ear-to-ear grin.
Celestia glared at him. “You may enjoy it. You may even be asked to partake in it. But, it is not a course of action I relish in the least.”
Discord wafted over to Celestia and gave her a noogie. “You’ve become such a fuddy-duddy in your old age. At least Luna still has that fire in her belly. Granted, she and I had the honour[I/] of being temporally displaced while you stayed here in the land of the living. Day after day, moon after moon, year after year, century after century. I suppose that would wear down even the best, rob her of the lust for justice she used to have.”
At that, Celestia glared. “My desire for justice is as strong as ever! I only wish it did not always involve such …extreme methods.”
“To clean the kitchen, you have to break a few plates. Just hope one of them doesn’t have your beloved cake on it. We need to make sure all your assets are intact.” Discord patted Celestia’s butt. He stopped once he noticed Celestia’s horn starting to glow.
“There’s that fire, my dear princess. Don’t forget it. You’ll need it over the next couple of months. Toodle-oo!”
And with a poof, Discord was gone. Celestia unfurled her wings and began a long, slow flight home.
Author's Note
After nearly a year and WAY too much delay, it's finally over.
My few readers who remain, thanks for following this story to its end.
