For the past couple of days Jon had been receiving fan mail, sent by Spike, from fans all over Equestria. Some of them were either ponies saying how much they loved the show while others were tips on how to make the show better; usually in the form of suggestions on who to have on next.
Trying to answer them all proved to be more difficult than he thought since they came so frequently. Because of this some fan mail unfortunately had to fall by the waste-side. The ones that Jon usually didn't respond to (but still read) were letters that told him who he should interview since he usually had a good idea of who he wanted anyway.
That is until he got one certain letter.
Jon walked down the stairs of his duplex penthouse, in lower Manhattan's TriBeCa neighborhood, and into his living room ready to start the day. It was a particularly lazy afternoon and Jon was looking after his two kids while his wife Tracey McShane was out.
It was very unusual for the the house to be so quiet at this time of day so Jon threw himself on his couch to take care of some paperwork. His kids were napping in the next room over but he wasn't alone.
A faint sound could be heard in the kitchen so Jon called out while at the same time signed some forms.
"That you Trixie?" Jon called out. The sounds of clanging silverware and drawers opening momentary came to a stop.
"Why do you humans feel the need to ask such stupid questions?" The voice called back. "If Tracey is out working while Nathan and Maggie are taking a nap one should reasonably conclude on their own as to who is left in the house. Though I suppose not everypony can be as wise as me."
To have Jon's question be met with an insult and self complement rather than an answer meant that yes...it was Trixie.
"Well so-rry your Majesty," Jon replied. "But for all I know you could have been some kind of burglar. This is New York."
It had been a few days since Jon invited Trixie to stay with him after her interview under the guise of being his mentor. To Jon's disbelief she'd been proving herself to be very useful. Though her knowledge of magic wasn't what made her a key asset in the Stewart household.
When Jon's wife first learned that Jon let Trixie stay with them she was outraged on many different levels. At first it was because he didn't consult her first and later it segwayed into the fact that she was a creature from another world who could use actual magic. Something which she thought wasn't safe to have in the house.
Not even Trixie's sob story (which Jon, and not Trixie, explained to her) helped in diminishing her frustration. She didn't care that Trixie had to place to go she just didn't want to be stuck taking care of her.
Tracey told her husband how they had no understanding in how to raise a horse though in retrospect it was a moot point seeing as how, as Jon explained it, Trixie had the cognitive thought necessary to take care of herself. That and, as a veterinary technician, Tracey knew what to feed such a creature.
Her animosity for the situation was only intensified once the kids had found out themselves and characteristically fell in love with Trixie. She feared that she would have to play the "bad guy" and explain to her kids why the Magic horsey couldn't say but as it turned out their infatuation for Trixie would inevitably lead to her staying.
Living in an orphanage for most of her life had made Trixie well versed in the art of taking care of kids. This coupled with the fact that Jon's children hanged off her every word meant that they did anything she told them to do, which was usually on the line of "go to bed," or "eat your veggies," and to address her by her full title rather than "Magic horse lady."
Although Tracey was still hesitant about having Trixie stay with them Jon's final selling point, which sealed the deal, was that they would always have a baby sitter handy. This meant that the two could go out to catch a show or have a date night whenever they wanted. This was too good a deal for Tracey to pass up so she eventually agreed.
Jon leaned back on the cough to stretch his muscles, using this momentary back and forth with Trixie as an excuse for a quick break.
"What are you doing in the kitchen anyway?" Jon called out.
"Still fond of those stupid questions I see." She called back. "I'm preparing a snack for when Nathan and Maggie awake from nap-time."
"You need any help?" Jon yelled out. "I can imagine opening the peanut butter jar is a bitch when all you have is hooves."
"I don't need any help," Trixie said coldly as she emerged from the kitchen and into the living room. "And I would appreciate if you kept your voice down; you'll wake them up."
Jon looked over at Trixie and hastily put his hand over his mouth in an obvious attempt to hold back waves of laughter.
"If you laugh...I'll kill you." Trixie said with an intense glare.
"I di--...I didn't say anything." Jon said with a large grin.
Trixie wasn't wearing her usual magician’s attire as she didn't want to get them dirty while preparing the food. The only she was "wearing," much to Jon's amusement, was a overly large cork that had been wedged on the tip of her horn.
Some of Tracey's conditions for having Trixie stay in her home were that she was to wear a cork on her horn when around the children and she was not allowed to use her magic on them. She was free to use whatever spell she wanted just so long as it wasn't done directly on Nathan and Maggie, though that wasn't why she had Trixie wear the cork. At around four feet tall Trixie's horn was in perfect eye level with the kids; the "cork horn" was just an added safety measure.
"So...so what's on tap for today?" Jon asked in an attempt to change the subject. Trixie gave Jon one last look before answering.
"...The kids will be having apple slices with low fat yogurt." She answered and she trotted over to the living room TV. "I've already set the television to their favorite TV show which they will watch only when they have consumed their entire meal."
"Nice work Trixie." Jon said and he leaned back over to his unfinished documents. "Who would have thought you'd turn out to be this useful?"
Trixie violently turned around to give Jon a scolding look. He pretended to not notice but it was difficult with Trixie since she (and by extension every other pony) had such massive eyes.
"Look it just a joke! I'm sorry, ok!?" Jon pleaded
"Not that." Trixie said.
"Than wha-- oh come on!" He said as he threw his arms in the air. "You're not seriously going to make me say it, are you?"
"Why not?" She answered. "Your children are smart enough to."
"...Ok fine." Jon said with a heavy sigh. "Nice work...oh 'Great and Powerful Professor Trixie.'"
"Very good student." Trixie said with her typical smug attitude.
"You know great baby sitter aside I haven't learned a single new thing about magic like I assumed I would." Jon said as he looked over some more papers.
"Let’s get one thing straight...I am not some mere baby sitter!" Trixie said as she jumped on the table, almost stepping on Jon's hands in the process. "I am THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!"
"Yeah I know," Jon said, as he tried to pull his paper work from under her hooves. "You tend to remind me of that about four times I day."
"That's only because your inferior brain doesn't seem to grasp it properly." She said. "Anyways like Trixie was saying...I am not a baby sitter. Children just happen to love me...but really that's no surprise. Everypony loves Trixie."
"My how fascinating." Jon said as he reached for Trixie with both arms. "Now get down from there. You'll hurt yourself."
Not particularly fond of people handling her, Trixie took a step back to avoid Jon's reach. In the process however her hoof slid on a piece of paper causing her to tumble onto the floor with a loud thud and girlish squeal. This time Jon didn't even try to hold back his laughter.
"I..I tried to t-tell you!" Jon said as he laughed loudly.
"Silence!" Trixie demanded.
"I'm...I'm sorry." He blurted out, his voice echoing through the house. "Look here let me--"
"No I mean be quiet!" She interrupted in a low tone. She quickly looked behind her then back to Jon. "You'll wake the kids!"
Now having realized how loud he was Jon was quickly lowered his voice to that of a whisper.
"Oh right sorry," Jon responded. "Do you need hel--" Trixie shot Jon a familiar look as she pulled herself up from the ground.
"Of course you don't." He said.
"Just be careful who you laugh at Stewart." Trixie said, never taking her eyes of Jon. "What goes around comes around...besides I know where you live."
Jon was about to respond when a flash of light erupted in front of him causing Jon to yelp with fear as he staggered backwards. Falling on his backside he made a loud crashing sound which would have caused Trixie to scold him further but instead just made her do the laughing this time. Though she was doing so in a much softer volume than Jon did.
Holding his heart as if it would leave his body at any moment Jon looked at the table which now held a stack of envelopes.
"Oh god dammit Spike." Jon said. "I swear I'm never gonna get used to that."
Trying to get up from his position proved harder than he though so he looked over at Trixie who was still laughing to herself. She paused long enough to see Jon's helpless demeanor. He grabbed his back and extended his hand towards her, motioning for her to come over.
"Seriously?" She asked.
"Hey cut me some slack," He replied. "I'm not as young as I used to be."
"Alright hold still," She said with a sigh. Never leaving her place she used her magic to carefully pull Jon up by his arm. "There you go. What would you do without me?"
"I shudder to think." Jon said as he used both hands to push his back in. Carefully sitting down Jon once again found himself back on the couch while a smug looking Trixie leapt next to him.
"I thought you were accustomed to...Twilight's pet dragon sending you mail?" Trixie said as she used her magic to levitate a letter to herself.
"Well I was at first," Jon answered as he took the letter away from Trixie, though that didn't stop her from just getting another one. "But that was when I thought he'd send letters to my study...I had no idea going into this that the mail appeared wherever I am. It's getting to be quite the nuisance."
In the past whenever Jon got a letter or other similar message via Spike's fire breath it was always coincidentally when he was in his study. Jon merely assumed that the whatever magic was at hand it was designed to appear in that specific location but in actuality the letter would appear wherever Jon was presently located.
"I'm going to have a talk with Spike the next time I'm in Ponyville cause this is becoming problematic." Jon said. "I've almost gotten into a car accident twice now and I nearly had a heart attack when a bundle of letter appeared when I was in the bathroom."
"Too much information, Stewart." Trixie said as she idly scanned letter after letter.
"And it's not just me, Tracey doesn't like it either." He continued. "Like last night when you managed put the kids to sleep early. Me and Trace finally had some alone time so we tried to make the most of it if you know what I mean."
The blue Unicorn looked at Jon with an unsure look on her face.
"Turns out letters can appear in the bedroom." Jon added with a frustrated sigh. "I tell ya nothing kills the mood faster than thinking your hair is on fire."
"Trixie does not understand," She said. "What do you mean by 'kills the mood?'" Jon slowly turned to give her a look of disbelief.
"Oh you gotta be kidding me," Jon said. "Look I know your world is literally all rainbows and sunshine and your national currency is good feelings and hugs, but I refuse to believe your world is without intercourse."
It took Trixie a second to realize what Jon had implied beforehand and immediately turned bright red as a result.
"UGH, DISGUSTING!" Trixie said as she used her magic to throw a pillow at Jon's face. "I do not need to know about your...private life, Stewart!"
"Now look who's making too much noise." Jon said. Trixie was still blushing and avoiding eye contact so Jon took this moment to grab a stack of fan mail and go through them one by one. Occasionally grabbing one out of the bundle to get a better look.
"Hm. Heavier load than usual." Jon said.
"It astounds me at how much attention your show gets." Trixie said, crinkling her snout. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has seen your program before...it is nothing special."
"Nothing spec-- it just won an Emmy last night!" He exclaimed.
"Hmph! Trixie cares not for pointless shiny trinkets." She responded. "Come back to me when you've booked a show at Los Pegasus."
Giving up trying to argue with her, Jon continued to browse sealed letter after sealed letter before eventually grabbing one at random and placing the rest back on the table.
"Ok here we go." Jon said as closed his eyes and tapped the sealed letter against his head. "I see a pony's name, a recommendation, and at some point the term 'somepony' gets used."
He tore open the top part of the letter and blew into it to retrieve its contents more easily. Pulling out a single letter he began to skim over it.
"Ok, let's see....blah blah blah, 'I love your show,'...blah blah blah, 'when will you be back in Equestria?'....blah blah blah, AH HA! Here it is!" Jon said as he pointed to a clause near the end of the note. "'..Also if you're taking suggestions, I think you should have my friend Berry Punch on your show! We always have her at parties and, after a few drinks, she always tells the best stories.'...I tell ya Trixie every single time. And if it's not a suggestion of who should be on the show it's someone asking if they could make an appearance."
"It's pathetic if you think about." Trixie said. "All these ponies begging and wanting to be on your show...it's sad really."
"Didn't you do the same thing?" Jon asked. Trixie didn't respond right away, she was busy trying to find a good comeback. Not a one could be found.
"S-shut up!" Trixie demanded. "Do not talk back to your teacher!"
"Sorry Professor." Jon said with a grin. He continued to look through the letters with Trixie doing the same. She never offered her assistance nor was she particularly helping in any technical sense. If anything it almost looked like she was searching for something, but Jon didn't mind.
After reading through a couple of letters, without his permission, Trixie stopped and began to stare ahead in deep thought. Eventually she turned to address Jon once more.
"Might I ask you a question, Stewart?" Trixie asked.
"Shoot." Jon said, his eyes never leaving the letter he was currently reading.
"You've read more of these than I have." She said. "Has...has anypony ever requested Trixie to appear on your show?"
Not expecting such a question to be asked, Jon stopped reading and tilted his head upwards to think. At this point Jon had not read through every single letter so he was unsure...though at this point Jon could not recall anyone suggesting her as a guest.
"It's too early to say, I haven't gotten through them all just yet." Jon answered. "Though I'm certain no one will request 'Trixie' to come on the show."
Upon hearing this Trixie tilted her head down to hide her face, and any emotions that it carried. Before she could respond she felt the gentle touch of Jon's hand rubbing her back.
"Now 'the Great and Powerful Trixie?' I'm sure I'll see countless requests for her appearance." He added.
Trixie didn't say anything but instead smiled. She didn't give any thanks and still preferred to hid her face but Jon could tell she felt better now, which was all he needed.
In no time the sounds of shuffling papers once again filled the room as the two continued reading through letters with Trixie mostly looking at who sent them while Jon went through and read each one.
"Trixie actually recognizes some of these names." She said. "Some of them I'm met in my travels."
It was true. As a traveling magician from Equestria, Trixie had met a lot of different ponies. Jon however didn't recognize a single name. Not just because he hadn't been to Equestria that much (though that certainly was a factor) but because for whatever reason fate had dictated that the stack of mail he was reading all had pen names.
"Yeah the ones I got are the fake ones," Jon responded. "Granted I know there is a silly degree in which some ponies in your world have names but I'm pretty sure these one's were meant to be anonymous."
To see if he was indeed right, Trixie leaned over to his pile and began to scan the many envelopes. As a citizen of the world she confirmed that yes they were not Equestrian names.
Rubbing his tired eyes, Jon leaned forward looking through his stack of fan mail in search of one to read. He challenged himself by seeing if he could recognize a name but he could not. All he saw was more pen names. Eventually however one name caught his attention. One that just stood out from the rest.
Some of the obvious fake names were stylized like "BluePegasus113" or "Yanhoover Pilot" or "Dr. Whooves" but this one just seemed beyond quirky. Jon took the letter in his hand and examined the writing on the front of the envelope.
To: Jon Stewart of Earth
From: The Emperor of Funny Happenings
"...What?" Jon said out loud.
Shaking his head proved to be fruitless as the name was still there and just as confusing as before.
"Hey Trixie...does Equestria have an Emperor?" Jon asked, his eyes rereading the address.
"No we don't," Trixie responded. "Not that I'm aware of. Why?" Putting her pile of letters down she peered over Jon's shoulder, putting her forehooves on Jon's leg to get a better view.
Jon doubted that this was from any royal governing body but nevertheless he felt compelled to read it. Using his free hand he tore open the note and began to read out loud it's letter.
Hi!
You don't know me but I'm an Earthpony who lives in Baltimare and let me just say I loooove your show! I know you must get about a thousand of these a day but I just really wanted to take the time to say how much I enjoy watching your show.
I didn't even know you we're real! I just thought your show was fictional so you can imagine how surprised I was when I heard you had appeared in Equestria a few times. If I ever see you I'm totally asking for an autograph!
Keep up the good work!
-TEOFH
PS: My friend in Ponyville told me that you come to our world to look for ponies to have on your show. I'm sure you don't have time to listen to this but if you want my opinion I think you should have Vinyl Scratch make an appearance! I think she's super cool plus didn't you already have her friend on?
Ok I'll leave you alone now! Swing by Baltimare sometime! I'll buy you a drink.
"Hmph. If this so called emperor had any brains he would have suggested that I appear on your show!" Trixie said as she stuck her nose in the air. "But I suppose I shouldn't expect much considering where he lives. I've been to Baltimare before...trust me it's no Manehatten...now that's the kind of place worthy of a pony such as myself. For with great talent..."
Ignoring Trixie for the time being, Jon closed his eyes and began to rub his chin as he quietly thought out loud to himself.
"Vinyl Scratch...Vinyl Scratch." Jon thought. "Why does that name sound so familiar?"
After a few seconds of deliberation it hit Jon like a piano falling from the sky. Vinyl Scratch was the roommate and good friend of Octavia, another pony he had on his show. The only question is would she be any good to interview as her friend had been?
"Hey Trixie?" He asked, cutting her off mid-rant. "Ever hear of someone called Vinyl Scratch?"
As annoyed as she was for being interrupted, Trixie still gave the question a good few seconds of thought before answering.
"The name does sound very familiar...if I had to guess I assume she's some kind of performer like me." She answered.
"That would make sense...Octavia did say her roommate was also in the music field." He said, looking back at the letter. "Hmm...maybe it's time for a follow up interview."
"What! You're actually going to go through with this suggestion?" Trixie exclaimed. "That's a terrible idea."
"I don't know it sounds alright to me. Now that I think about it this isn't the first time her name came up in a letter." Jon said. "Other ponies made the same suggestion so she's obviously well known."
"I still say this is a bad move" She added "...If you really want good suggestions for guest appearances all you do is ask me! The Great and Powerful Trixie!"
"With all do respect this is one area I don't need help in." Jon retorted. "I've been doing this for over ten years now; I think I know what I'm doing."
"Ah ah ah Stewart," She said as she wagged her hoof in his face. "As your Professor I know better, which is why I am here by taking it upon myself to handle your business decisions of who goes on the show!"
"You're kidding me right?" Jon asked.
"I assure Trixie is quite serious." She answered. "Aside from your one brilliant choice of having me on your show the guests you've had from Equestria have been quite mediocre. So, if you please I'll need the list of names that Celestia provided you."
"Weeell Professor I don't know how you'll find time to manage my busy schedule," Jon said as he got up from his seat and towards the hallway. "Especially since you'll have your hooves full with the kids and all."
"Shows how much you know, Stewart." She said with a scoff. "Nathan and Maggie still have fifteen more minutes of nap time before--"
Cutting Trixie off yet again Jon placed the palm of his hand against his mouth to amplify his voice.
"HEY KIDS COULD YOU COME OUT HERE FOR A SECOND?" Jon yelled.
"Stewart what are you doing!?" Trixie exclaimed. Before Jon could answer a very sleepy looking pair of children in pajamas emerged from one of the rooms in the hallway.
"What is it daddy?" Maggie said as she held the hand of her brother who looked like he would collapse from exhaustion at any moment.
"Hey sweety Guess what?" He asked. "Trixie told me that she wanted to play video games with you two."
"Say what!?" Trixie shouted.
Immediately both children shook away whatever sense of weary in favor of looks of Joy.
"Really!?" They both said in unison.
"That's right!" Jon said. "So could you guys go keep her company while daddy makes a phone call?"
The two kids nodded their heads in agreement and swiftly made their way to where Trixie was.
"I object!" Trixie said. "I hate the foul contraption! All it does is make odd noises and confusing imaged! I don't understand it!"
Maggie and Nathan would have listened to Trixie but they were too overjoyed to pay attention. Maggie turned on of the gaming consoles they had by the television while Nathan ran up to yank Trixie off the sofa.
"Play nice you three!" Jon called out as he ran up the stairs to his study.
"I'll get you for this, Stewart!" Trixie called out from downstairs.
Interview: Please welcome to the show Vinyl Scratch!
The Daily Show Interview transcript archive:
Series: Equestrian interviews
Interviewer: Jon Stewart
Guest: Vinyl Scratch (DJ Pon3)
Date: ???
Location: Daily Show headquarters
733 11th Avenue Manhattan, NY 10019
THIS IS THE DAILY SHOW WITH JON STEWART
The day of Jon's interview with Vinyl Scratch had arrived and already he was in a state of uncertainty. Usually whenever Jon had Celestia send him a guest it was early that morning so they could prepare him or her for their segment.
Usually the preparation consisted of: putting on makeup, a quick briefing of what to expect, and attaching a microphone on them (which in itself was a challenge as they usually didn't wear clothes. The standard method up until this point was to have it attached to their left ear). But one advantage of having a guest show up early was that Jon got the opportunity to have a quick exchange with them just so he could get an idea of what he was getting into.
However Vinyl never showed up that morning and for the first two thirds of the show Jon was left in the dark about if she would arrive. Even though Celestia guaranteed her arrival Jon was ready to inform the audience that there would be no interview. But at the last second during the next to last commercial his personal assistant Selina Jenson informed him that Vinyl had arrived.
As the Daily Show returned from its last commercial break the camera made it's way down in a circular motion to give the audience at home a quick glimpse of those in attendance. All of who were in a frenzied state of cheering. Soon afterwards it paned to the center and quickly changed perspectives to another camera that zoomed in on Jon Stewart who was pretending to read his notes at arm length as if he was having a hard time focusing his eyes. Eventually he gave up and addressed his fans.
"Welcome back to the Daily Show my guest tonight!" Jon said as he paused to point at particularly rambunctious fan in the studio. "She is musician of Ponyville as well as the close friend of former guest Octavia. Please welcome to the show Vinyl Scratch!"
The crowd once again began to applaud and cheer while Jon got up to meet his tardy guest of the night. Vinyl hadn't even stepped on stage yet and already Jon noticed something was off. The music that usually accompanied the guest had been swapped in favor of another song which Jon might've liked had he'd been 30 years younger. He had no idea what it was but he could only describe it as "Club music."
He had no idea of knowing till much later but his guest had bribed a stagehand to but in a track of one of her songs. Jon's confusion only escalated when his guest arrived on stage. She wasn't what he was expecting.
Standing to their feet, the crowd welcomed Vinyl who finally arrived on the scene. Jon noted that she carried with her some telltale signs of being a pony musician. She was a Unicorn and her cutie mark was a simple music note, tough that was the only thing "simple" about her.
Her coat was egg white which only caused the rest of her stand out by comparison. Both her tail and mane were streaks of Neon Blue and Cyan blue almost as if she had highlights. But was probably the most prominent feature of all was her glasses which were very large, oval shaped, and were tinted dark purple. She looked like she belonged in a rave rather than Jon's studio.
In an attempt to act professional Jon approached his guest who was now in the center of the stage blowing kisses and pumping her hooves in the air. He extended his hand to shake her hoof but all he got was Vinyl slapping his hand violently in a gesture that suggested that she just gave him an enthusiastic "High five."
Jon stood there staring at his hand while Vinyl made her way to her chair. Before Jon could return to his seat a stagehand ran past him, heading straight for Vinyl. Jon watched in confusion as his employee quickly placed something in front of her then return backstage. The crowd was in a mixture of cheering and laughing while Jon slowly made his way back to his desk as he rubbed his hand. Upon sitting down he could now clearly see what it was that the stagehand had given Vinyl...it was some kind of energy drink.
He didn't know much about Pony etiquette but even Jon could tell that out of all the characteristics that Vinyl was comprised of "pristine" wasn't one of them. The way she sat in her chair wasn't very lady-like as she had her legs spread open and was slouching. Her hair was messy and her shades looked like they'd never been cleaned. To Jon she looked like the kind of person who never made her own bed.
Jon didn't wait for the audience to calm down and quickly began the interview.
"Wait...y-you're Octavia's roommate?" Jon asked.
"Hell yeah I am!" Vinyl answered. Leaning back she placed her hind legs on the desk with a thud, almost knocking over her 'daily show' mug of water in the process.
"Oh well...It's--welcome to the show Vinyl, It's great to have you here!" Jon said, trying to regain his composure. "I'll be honest you uh...you gave me quite a scare this morning when you didn't show up."
"Yeah sorry bout that Jon Johnny-baby." She said. "But hey! I made it didn't I?"
"For those of you who don't know Vinyl was late coming in today." He said turning to the audience. "I was this close to telling you guys that there would be no interview."
The crowd collectively gasped which momentarily distracted Jon.
"I...I hope you have a good reason for this, young lady!" Jon said in a comically authoritative voice, sitting up to look down on her.
"Uuuuh...does 'I slept in late' count as a good reason?" Vinyl asked. "Ya see I was at this killer party last night and I got home kinda late."
"Wait...the reason you almost didn't show up is because you slept in!?" Jon asked with astonishment.
"Hey calm down old timer...like I said I was at a party." She responded. "Ah man you shoulda been there! The place didn't die down till like four in the morning. I was throwing down some sick beats like you wouldn't believe!"
To demonstrate what she meant Vinyl put one hoof over her ear and the over hoof on the table making up and downwards motions. Jon watched and to his surprise knew what this meant.
"Wai--wait just a minute here." Jon said as she slowly shook his head. "Are...Vinyl, are you a 'disc jockey?'"
Before answering Jon's question, Vinyl threw her hooves to the side to strike a quick pose.
"Click click click click click click click click click click! JACKPOT! Ya got it!" Vinyl announced. "DJ Pon3 at your service!"
"DJ Pon3?" Jon asked.
"Yeah that's my stage name." She answered. "Only a few ponies can get away with calling me by my real name and live to tell about it...but you're cool, so I'll let you slide...even if you are totally old."
"Wow you're a...you're a DJ." Jon continued. "And you're friends with Octavia."
"Right again Johnny-baby!" She said. "She's the best roomie I've ever had."
"You'll forgive me for saying this but I was under the impression that you were...in the same field as Octavia." Jon said as he scratched his head. "I mean when I heard she lived with another musician I assumed it was someone who was also a classical artist."
"Pffft yeah right!" Vinyl said. "Octy may be into all that wimpy classical crap but not me. I can't get outa bed in the morning without my daily dose of wubs...Oh wait hold up gramps I wanna down this before it gets warm."
Before Jon could say anything Vinyl grabbed her can of energy drink with both hooves and used her horn make an opening. She didn't use her magic to pop open her drink but instead punctured the bottom of the can with her horn and quickly began to drink it's contests without stopping for breath.
The crowd watched and began to cheer loudly, with some audiences members chanting "CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG." After a few seconds of gulping Vinyl had completely finished her drink, getting some of it on herself in the process. Jon was about to say something when she belched loud enough that it caused some audio feedback from her mic.
"AHHHHH, that's the stuff!" She said as he slammed the now empty can against her forehead and tossing it behind her.
The crowd once again began to cheer at the streak haired Unicorn's antics while Jon just stared at his guest with his hands neatly folded in front of him.
"...Now are you SURE...that you are in fact Octavia's roommate?" Jon asked once again.
"Sure I'm sure!" Vinyl said, her level of intensity still the same. "But you know we're more than just...roomies."
"Ah that's right you two are also friends." He retorted as he made hand gestures. "You guys...went to school together and have been friends for many many years."
"Well...yeah that's true we're good friends." She said. "But when I say we're good friends I mean were reeeaaaally good friends...if you know what I mean." Vinyl leaned forward and peered over her glasses to give Jon a friendly wink.
The crowd began to whisper amongst themselves while Jon just raised his eyebrow at his guest to give the impression that he was confused. In truth this was just an old interviewer’s trick. If you don't say anything your guest would have to. It was instinctual to want to break the silence.
"...I mean I'm banging her." Vinyl added bluntly.
Had Jon been drinking from his mug he would have probably done a spit take but in this case he just swiveled slightly in his chair and began to laugh hysterically as the audience did the same.
"Oh wow," Jon said after waiting for the audience to settle down. "I had no idea you two were...well, were together."
"Yeah she likes to keep the fact that we're a couple on the down low." Vinyl said with a powerful grin. "Kinda pointless though. Everypony in town knows I'm doing her on the side...and on her front and sometimes, when she's really feeling frisky...from behind. OH WHAT UP?!"
Hardly able to contain herself Vinyl threw her hoof up in the air and towards Jon's face. At first Jon didn't know what she was doing but then it dawned on him that even without fingers it would seem ponies still gave "high fives". He continued to stare till he eventually caved in and slapped his hand against her hoof, which greatly pleased both her and the audience.
"My you're...very open about your relationship with Octavia." Jon said as he tapped his pen against his desk. "It seems uh, now obviously you know more about her than I do, but it seems...at least to me...that this is the kind of thing she'd want to keep private. Aren't you worried she'll be mad at you for talking so, so...so openly about this?"
"Worried? Are you kidding I'm hoping she'll be mad at me! The angry make up sex we have after a fight is...Ah. Maze. Ing!" Vinyl said and she flailed her hooves in the air. "Trust me when I say it’s worth it to tick her off every now and again."
"Well uh...well here's hoping she doesn't get too mad at you." Jon said as he lifted his mug in the air. "I mean we wouldn't want you to get into some serious trouble."
"Don't get your panties all up in a bunch Jon, I'm always on top of things," She said as a grin slowly revealed itself on her face. "Aaaand speaking of 'always being on top' me and Octy usually--"
"OK! Let's try and keep things PG-13 here!" Jon interrupted as he adjusted his tie. "SO HEY, we uh, we all know that Octavia has been on this program before...so th- did she at any point give you any uh, advice or pointers to help you out today."
"Ugh are you kidding!? This is Octy we're talking about here." VInyl said with a sigh. "She's always trying to tell me what to do!"
Sitting up in her chair Vinyl posed herself like how one would expect a cellist would position themselves when performing. Though in her case she was doing to so mock Octavia.
"'Vinyl pick up your stuff,' 'Vinyl turn down that music I'm trying to read,' 'Vinyl sit up straight,' 'Vinyl take a bath you smell bad.'" She said mimicking Octavia voice with a thick layer of nagging. "I swear my own mom was less of pain in the ass."
"No, no I mean did she give you and advice about being on the show?" Jon said, taking the pen out of his mouth "I can only assume this if your first time on television."
"Yeah she did, she told me about how I should present myself to the public...for some reason she was super nervous about me being on TV. But mostly she wanted to make sure I looked nice for the cameras." Vinyl said as she rolled her eyes. "Like even though I was already running late she wanted to brush my hair, and give pointers to make sure I didn't do anything to embarrass myself...like I need help with that."
Almost as if she was doing it on purpose she leaned back in her chair and began to pick the inside of her ear, flinging to the ground any matter she found.
"What else did she tell you?" Jon asked as he placed both his hands under his cheeks and his elbows on the desk. "Did she say anything about me?"
"HA! Well actually now that you mention she did tell me something about the show." Vinyl continued. "She told me that you guys can't say bad words on TV or something like that...is it true?"
Upon hearing this, the crowd began to laugh while Jon had a look of worry as if he was about to open Pandora's Box.
"...So she didn't say anything about me?" Jon asked. This made Vinyl laugh along with the audience. He still had a bad feeling about where she was going with this line of question. This was a feeble attempt to stall for time.
"No uh, but yes...on TV we can't say certain words." Jon finally answered as he scratched the side of his face. "In fact uh...one of my all time idols of comedy, George Carlin, had a monologue where he made comical deconstructions on that rule. He called it the 'Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television.'"
"Well I don't who this George dude is but Octy gave me way more than just seven." Vinyl said as she pulled out a piece of paper. "See? Back when she was on the show some human told her that there are some things she shouldn't say."
For just a brief second Vinyl flashed Jon the list of words long enough for him to agree that those were indeed words one shouldn't say.
"Out of those words there are some you could get away with saying on this network," Jon answered cautiously. "But as for the rest, yeah you can't."
"Oh really?" Vinyl said. "...I bet Octy would get real mad if I did huh?"
Half of the crowd at this point were on the edge of their seats while the other half were coaxing her on.
"Her, the FCC, and my producers, yes." Jon said.
Looking back at her list and then at Jon, Vinyl slowly started to smile and soon she swiveled in her chair to look dead straight into the camera closets to her.
"Soooooo you're saying I can't say..." She said as she took a deep breath. "Fuck, bitch, damn, shit, ass, cunt, pussy, tits, piss, or cocksucker?"
There was no way Jon could answer her "question" immediately, the roar of the crowd's cheering and applauding made it impossible for anyone to hear anything. That and Jon himself couldn't help but join them.
While this was happening Vinyl amused herself in the mean time by taking the list of swear words she had pulled out previously and folded it in strategic places to create a paper airplane which she promptly threw into the audience.
"And that was just the first page." Vinyl said, facing Jon again. "I got about three more I haven't used yet...this next one is called 'racial slurs' and--"
"Vinyl...Vinyl I'm only going to say this once!" Jon interrupted, yelling over the audience with a large smile on his face. "...You watch your fucking language, goddammit!"
This time the tables had turned for now Jon who was the only one in the room not laughing. Vinyl laughed so hard she almost fell out of her seat.
"Nice one Johnny-baby!" She said. "But I don't get it...I was told I wouldn't be able to say those words but I did anyway."
"Well I guess...theoretically you can say them," Jon responded. "It's just even if you do they'll just get censored anyway."
"Censored?" Vinyl asked as she looked at Jon over her tinted glasses.
"Yes, for those watching at home some of those words you said got 'bleeped.'" Jon answered. Seeing the look of confusion on her face Jon turned to the side to momentarily address those working behind the scenes.
"Chuck, could we please get an example over here? Thanks." He yelled out. A good three seconds passed before the sound a loud high pitched note filled the silent room. Everyone knew what to expect but Vinyl who was slightly surprised.
"Oooooh so the things I said just got replaced by that weird noise, huh?" Vinyl said with great interest. "...and does it every single time?"
"For the really bad words yes." Jon answered.
Vinyl didn't say anything she just rubbed her chin with her hoof and began to think. This worried Jon greatly because within the short amount of time he's known her he'd learned that her ideas carried with them some very serious repercussions.
"Ok, ok, ok, but how bout this?" She asked. "Let's say I were to say 'Fuck fuck fuck' what would it sounds like for those watching on the TV?"
"...It would just be the sound of that bleep noise three times in a row." Jon answered as he rubbed his hand over his smiling face.
"So...if I were to swear in rhythm...that sound would also be in rhythm." Vinyl thought out loud.
"...Where are you going with this?" Jon asked as he slowly scooted backwards in his seat. Vinyl didn't answer but instead just continued to think to herself as the audience laughed slightly. Suddenly and without warning she spun in her seat to face the camera once again.
"Fuck fuck-fuck...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck...fuck fuck-fuck...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," Vinyl said gratuitously. "Fuck fuck-fuck...fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuuuuuck. Fuck fuck-fuck fuck fuuuuuuck...fuck fuck-fuck fuck-fuck fuck-fuck fuuuck fuck fuck-fuck fuuuuck..."
Vinyl went on to do this for the next couple seconds while the audience laughed and Jon pretended to be a musical conductor by using his pen to direct the vulgar Unicorn.
For those in attendance all that was heard was the bad word being said over and over again. But those who would soon be watching this in the comfort of their own home the sound of the censuring high note was played, following the rhythm of the song that she was trying to convey. But that just for those listening in Jon's world; for those in Equestria all they heard was the phrase "buy some apples" being spammed constantly.
After her one-man show came to an end the crowd stood and began to give a rounding applause to Vinyl, who was now standing as well...so she could take bow.
"Ha! Even without my gear I can still lay down a sick beat!" She yelled over the crowd as she thrust her hips forward. "Suck it bitches!"
"For...for any complaints regarding what you've just witnessed please direct your letters to Princess Celestia of Canterlot." Jon said as he comically pulled on his collar to let out some steam. "...Vinyl can I ask you something?"
"Sure thing Jon." She said as she picked her nose without shame.
"...Do you kiss your mother with that mouth!" Jon asked with fake anger.
"You got it all wrong Johnny-baby." Vinyl said with a cocky grin on her face. "I kiss your mother with this mouth! BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURN!"
Jon tried to sport a look of seriousness but it was hard while at the same time holding back laughter like a dam trying to hold back a raging flood. Instead he got up from his seat and slowly made his way around the desk to his guest where in one full motion he executed a non-lethal chock hold from behind. Something which Vinyl found endlessly amusing as evident by her laughing and flailing excitedly.
Jon returned to his desk while Vinyl adjusted her glasses which almost fell off during Jon's attack.
"Not the first time I've been chocked from behind." Vinyl said as she rubbed her throat.
"You know I'm starting to see why Octavia was nervous about you being on TV." Jon said. "And...this is just me...but uh, maybe you should have taken some of her advice."
"Hey come on, what's the big deal!?" Vinyl asked. "I mean look who's talking. You may look professional and whatever but I've seen your show before...you aint no saint!"
"Hey now, you leave the fact that I'm Jewish out of this!" Jon responded by slamming his fist. Before speaking he made sure to do his best to imitation of an aristocrat's voice. "And I'll have you know that we here...at the Daily Show are revered far and wide for our elegance and courtliness! This show is the embodiment...of professionalism!" Jon finished his statement by putting one hand across his chest and another in the air to punctuate the silliness of his skit.
Before Vinyl could respond however a flash of light exploded in front of Jon's face, momentarily blinding him and a few audience members who were in the front row (though not Vinyl cause of her glasses). When Jon looked back at his desk he saw a stack of envelopes, each one addressed to him. Feeling embarrassed Jon very slowly used his hand to brush the heap of letters off the side of his desk while the audience and his guest laughed at him. He had forgotten to tell Spike to not send him any fan mail during show hours.
"Ignore that." Jon demanded, while Vinyl threw herself back in her chair, flailing her legs as she laughed hectically. "SO you're a DJ! What's that like!?"
It would be a few seconds before she responded.
"Well Jon it's great! You would not believe the RUSH you get when you're up on stage and you crank the bass juuuuuuust right!" She answered by punching the air. "I'm telling ya it's the best job ever."
"Do...uh do you have any upcoming tours or concerts?" Jon asked. "Are-- Is there something that your fans are looking forward to?"
"Hell yeah I do! I'm going to be playing at Applejack's annual barnyard hoedown this Sunday! It's sure to be fucking awesome!" Vinyl announced with pride. "I just hope I make it out ok...Whenever I do a show I always get a whole conga line of groupies wanting a piece of THIS!...But don't worry Octy, you're still my number one, babe!" Vinyl took a second to turn and blow a kiss to the cameras.
"You know it still boggles my mind that you two are together." Jon said. "I mean the differences are like night and day...if uh, If you don't mind me asking; what do you see in her?"
The question caused Vinyl to tilt her head in confusion.
"Huh...usually it's the other way around." She responded.
"Excuse me?" Jon asked. "What uh, what do you mean?"
"Well whenever somepony is all like 'what do you see in her' it's usually some snobby tool asking Octy why she's friends with me." She answered.
"Well...wh-why is she friends with you?" Jon asked. "I've heard this story before but I'd like to hear your version if that's ok."
"...Alright Johnny-baby! Sit back and listen up!" Vinyl said as she cracked her hooves. "The thing about my Octy that you need to know is that she may seem like a serious ice queen but on the inside she's a huuuuuuuge softy."
The audience laughed as Jon pretended to Jot down in his notes.
"We met years ago at some frilly private academy for musicians. She got in on a scholarship thingy and I got in cause my old man new a guy who worked there." She said. "Aaaanyway...she was the only Earthpony in our class and she got picked on crazy bad because of it."
"So far your story checks out with what Octavia told us." Jon said.
"Yeah but I'm guessing she didn't mention the part where nopony would be her friend." Vinyl retorted.
"Uh no...no she didn't." He said tactfully.
"Yeah so right away she was known as the wimpy kid that anypony could walk all over." She added.
"It seems that you might have-- well first what about your social standings?" Jon asked with outstretched hands. "What were you known as?"
"I was the coolest kid there, naturally! That is...until one day some colts were trying to start something with her again and I thought that enough was enough" She said and she began to punch her own hoof. "So I swooped in to save her ass...told them right there and then that if they laid a single hoof on her I would slug em!"
"Th-that was very heroic of you." Jon commented as he stroked his chin.
"Yeah I guess it was...it cost me my ticket back into the cool kid's circle but it was worth it." She said with a smile. "And ever since then the two of us were best friends forever...that is until graduation."
"Uh oh." Jon said, sensing something important. "What happened at graduation?" Vinyl didn't respond right away. It was difficult to tell but under her trendy glasses were a sad pair of eyes.
"Well...you see ever since we were little...all Octy wanted to do was be a fancy musician. She was studying to play that giant Violin of hers while I took classes on audio engineering." Vinyl added. "We both-- and by the way that's another thing I really liked about her. Even though she was in musical field that was fancier than mine she never looked down on me because of it...she saw more as more than just a ditzy audio mixer."
Jon wondered if it was true for Octavia as well. If she liked Vinyl because she saw her as more than just a stuffy cellist.
"Anyways...we both graduated and she got a accepted to go to some fancy shmancy college...but I stayed behind to go from club to club in different towns to try and get my name out as a DJ." Vinyl continued.
"That...that must have been hard on the two of you." He said. Jon couldn't tell but recalling this chapter in her life wasn't easy for Vinyl.
"Man you have no idea...the night before graduation Octy couldn't stop crying. You see the academy we both attended was in Filly Delphia but the school Octy got accepted in was all the way in Vanhoover so there was a good chance we would never see each other again...she didn't like that one bit" Vinyl continued. "She was so sad she suggested that she stay here with me but I talked her out of it...I told her that throwing away her dream because of me wouldn't be fair to anypony."
"But you guys...uh but you guys are together now." Jon interjected. "How did you two wind up back together?"
"Ah that's when the story really gets good. A few years had passed and I finally made it big as a DJ so I bought my own place in a town called Ponyville. But I needed help to pay for it so I put an ad in the papers for a roomie." She continued. "Then one day somepony came by to check out the place and surprise surprise it was Octy! Turns out she realized her dream and was playing for some orchestra in Canterlot. She needed a cheap place to live and as luck would have it she swung by my pad."
"Didn't she recognize your name in the ad?" Jon asked. "Or uh, for that matter hear about your success as a musician?"
"Nah she wouldn't have cause by then I was going by my stage name 'DJ Pon3." She answered as she tapped the side of her glasses.
"I'm guessing she was very pleased to see you again after all those years." Jon said as he adjusted himself in his chair.
"Oh you bet! She recognized me right away even after all those years. but like I said she's a total softy." Vinyl added. "The first thing she did was full on tackle me...crying like a big baby the entire time, too."
"It just sounds like she was really happy to see you again?" Jon commented as he clasped his hands. "I mean how did you feel after not seeing her for so long."
"Honestly...it felt really great." Vinyl said. "Like my heart was whole once more...The feeling of using my beats to get an entire audience to chant my name is nothing compared to the felling I get when I hear her voice." Had she'd not been wearing her glasses everyone watching would have seen a single tear drop hanging off the corner of her eye.
Jon took a second before continuing as he had to let the audience finish making an "D'awwwww" sound. Jon found it nice to have some a moment of honest sincerity out of Vinyl for once...even if it would only last for a second.
"Then later that night she moved in and we humped each other’s brains out." Vinyl added, causing the audience to laugh hysterically. "I mean we hadn't seen each other in so long so we went at it like rabbits! I know she seems like an ol' stick in the mud but damn she can be wild in the sack. Like she'll do this thing with her hooves where she--"
"OK, well would you look at that ,we're almost out of time!" Jon said trying his best to talk over those in attendance. "Now...before we go I just want to...thank you Vinyl."
"Thank me for what?" She asked as she looked at Jon from over her glasses with a raised eyebrow.
"Well when Octavia was here last time she informed me that the reason she came on was because you talked her into it." Jon answered.
"Oh that? Eh don't worry about it." Vinyl said, punching Jon on the arm. "I got your back!"
"Did-- Was if difficult?" Jon asked, as he leaned forward. "To get her to reconsider I mean?"
"At first it was; I has so happy to hear that she got invited but then she told me she refused. When I asked her why she didn't want to go on your show she said she didn't want to talk about it." Vinyl answered answered. "But later that night after asking for the hundredth time she finally opened up to me. She broke down crying and told me that she was scared...scared that if she went on you would make fun of her and it would be the academy all over again."
Jon knew he and his show had a reputation for joking around at others expense but he never meant for it to be a fear inducing factor.
"She was so frightened by the thought looking like a wimp on TV that she swore she wouldn't go on." Vinyl added. "But I told her that she had nothing to worry about cause she was the strongest pony I had ever met. And that she wouldn't be alone cause I would be cheering for her the entire time...also I told her that if you made her cry I would beat you up for her."
The crowd laughed at this while Jon stood up and stretched his arms out as if accepting her challenge to a fight
"You know the night of her interview I was supposed to play a gig but I cancelled it just so I could watch her." She added.
Jon sat back down and began to nod his head in agreement.
"You know...uh, for all your differences I must say you and Octavia are a lot alike." Jon said with a smile.
"What, you mean we're both hot pieces of ass!" Vinyl responded as she spanked her flank earning a holler from an audience member.
"No what I mean is you're both caring, loving individuals who want what's best for the other." He continued. "You both seem very passionate about many things in life...each other being one of them."
Pausing slightly at first she used her magic to take off her glasses for the first time in the interview to look at Jon with her big red eyes.
"Thanks Jon." She said as she smiled. "And you're right...I do love Octavia. She's the most important pony in my life...even if she is an up-tight crybaby."
Using her magic she quickly put her purple shades back on her face to hide her eyes.
"Speaking of Octy and things that are 'tight'..." Vinyl added with a devilish grin. "...I think my favorite part of her body is her--"
"ALRIGHT well I think that's all the time we have today!" Jon blurted as he threw a crumbled up piece of paper at her head. "Vinyl it was nice having you on the show."
"Thanks for having me Johnny-baby!" She yelled. "If you're ever in Ponyville come say 'wassup' I'll give ya backstage passes!"
"I'll keep that in mind." Jon said, as shook her hoof and used his pen to point at the cameras. "She's performing this Sunday at Applejack's barn; tickets on sale now I'm assuming...ok! DJ Pon3 everybody! We'll be right back."
The crowd stood and cheered for the guest who was seen exchanging words with Jon over the roar of the audience. As the camera began to hover away from the set Jon leaned in to whisper something in Vinyl's ear only to have her jump on the desk and wrap her hooves around his face. This time it was Vinyl who was giving Jon the choke hold. Soon the "Daily Show" logo flashed onto the screen followed by its disappearance in the wake of the next commercial break.
