Chapters To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 2: Some Chaotic Convincing
Chapter 2: Some Chaotic Convincing
As Superman flew through the skyscrapers of Metropolis towards his apartment he couldn't help but daydream about the coming weekend.
It's been far too long since I visited home, he thought, flying past the imposing Lexcorp Towers. His stomach growled. I wonder if Mom will make some of her famous apple pie?
He shook his head to clear it of thoughts of food and scanned the area around his apartment complex. When he was certain no one was looking, he flew down and in through the open window of his bedroom.
Placing the box on his bed, he swapped attire from the blue and red of Superman to the light blue-grey suit of Clark Kent and continued into his kitchen to fix a super -fast breakfast before work, taking the box with him. Placing it on the kitchen table he opened his refrigerator.
The quiet hum of the appliance and the gentle rustle of his curtains from the open window in his kitchen a gentle counter point to his superhuman speed.
*Thump*
Clark's head popped up from behind the door and he scanned the kitchen for the source of the noise.
Frowning, he bent his head cautiously down behind the refrigerator door again and continued searching, while keeping his ears and reflexes primed for what was about to-
*Thunk*
He caught the box centimeters before it landed back on the table and gave it a hard stare, his gaze once again piercing the thin cardboard to reveal what lay inside.
This time however, he dropped the box in surprise and took a step back.
After a second or two of confused staring, he stepped forward again, twin beams of concentrated microwave energy gleaming from beneath his knitted brow. The packing tape evaporated at the seam, the flaps sprang open and out popped several multicolored furry faces, topped with perked ears and inlaid with huge crystal orbs gazing around at his apartment.
"Uh, hello there." Clark was somewhat familiar with horses, having grown up on a farm. But these were the smallest and most colorful equine creatures he'd ever seen before.
"Easy... easy..." he said, slowly holding out a hand to the creatures. They stared back at him without any apparent hostility, not that Clark was worried about getting bitten.
I wonder where Bruce got these from, he thought to himself, They're so lifelike. Most likely extra-terrestrial. Perhaps Bruce thought I could return them to their home-world.
What happened next, however, surprised him once again.
"Howdy there sugarcube. Ahm Applejack."
"And I'm Rainbow Dash, your new best friend!"
He froze as the two creatures opened their mouths, turning the tables, and greeted HIM!
"What do ya mean YOU'RE his best friend? I plainly remember Twilight tellin' me he was a country fellow!"
"Yeah, but then she said he could fly. Soooo..." The blue creature flapped its wings a few times and hovered out of the box.
"Woah there nelly," said the orange one and, using her teeth, lassoed the bottom hooves of the blue one, "A lass shing he needsh is you hauhin' hish tail into trouhle!"
She kept pulling on the rope until the blue one descended back into the box.
"Well at least I can keep up with him!"
"Oh, yeah, if'n ya stay awake long enough. What happens if ya get tired and start nappin' somewhere? What he needs is a tough Earth Pony."
"No, he needs a FAST Pegasus Flier!"
"A STRONG Earthpony!"
"LOYAL!"
"HONEST!"
"AWESOME!"
"DEPENDABLE!"
"Um, excuse me?" interrupted Clark, some semblance of mental clarity having returned.
"WHAT!?" They said in unison.
"Do I have any say in this?"
"NO!" They shouted, and returned to their bickering.
He was about to try interrupting them again, when there was a knock at the door. Thinking fast, Clark shot into the living room, flicked on his television and adjusted the volume to match the two ponies in his kitchen. Floating back over his couch to rest in the entryway by his front door he spun around to hush them, but both house guests had vanished back into the box.
Giving it one last eyebrow raise, Clark turned and walked at an even pace several steps before reaching out to open the door. He smiled as he recognized who it was, before assuming a neutral expression and greeting them.
"Hello Lois."
"Hey Smallville, I was about to head to the office but I thought I heard arguing from your apartment. You got some old friends visiting or something?"
"Hardly," he answered, holding the door open so Lois could see the television screen where both parties were arguing, "I'm just glad Perry gets Mason to handle the politics section."
"Yeah," Lois gave him a raised eyebrow before continuing, "Why the late hour Smallville? You're usually in the office long before me."
"Oh, I was up a few hours ago. Just doing a favor for an old friend of mine."
"Anyone I'd know? Hah, look who I'm asking..."
"So Lois, you have any plans for the weekend?"
"Let me guess, you're taking it off and revisiting the old homestead?"
"As a matter of fact yes. It's going to be great. Fresh air, clear morning skies, my mother's apple pie-"
"A regular Norman Rockwell painting. Knock your socks off Smallville, I've got a smuggling ring story to crack before lunch. See you later..."
"Uh, OK- Bye," Clark tried to get another word or two in, but Lois was already in the stairwell.
Turning, he sighed before catching sight of the two guests on his kitchen table. They were leaning against one side of the box, resting their chins on their hooves. The orange one was smirking at him, while the blue one was giving him a hard stare.
"What was that?!" She asked, glowering, "Drop the country bumpkin act and get her attention."
"Ah, hush yer mouth Rainbow," replied the other one, knocking 'Rainbow's' elbow out from under her, "Boy's goin' about it the right way. Slow and steady wins the race."
"HE CAN FLY! Just dive in and sweep her off her feet!"
Clark interrupted them before they could start another fight, "Listen you two, I don't need any help with Lois. Do you ... uh-"
"Ponies?" suggested the orange one.
"Ponies need something?"
"Ee-nope. We're fine. Fact is, we're here to help you ."
"How?"
The 'Rainbow' pony opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off when the other one stuck her hoof in her mouth, "Ah figure that can wait till after you get some o' yer mother's cookin' in yer stomach. Ain't nothing like a long talk on the porch after a good home-cooked meal."
'Rainbow' rolled her eyes.
"Sorry, but you're staying here. I promised Bruce I'd take care of you. That does not include taking you to visit my parents."
"Sorry buster," she replied, tipping her hat, "But you either take us, or we take ourselves."
"Yeah! You don't get away from us that easily."
"'Sides, I wanna meet yer folks. They must be right solid, if'n they raised you."
Clark crooked an eyebrow at them before turning to leave. "We can talk about this later. Right now I've got to get to work. Make yourselves comfortable and I'll see you in a few hours."
After the door shut Rainbow sighed and hopped out of the box onto the table.
"That dude's gonna need some serious work."
"I have no idea what you're talkin' about," replied AJ, staring down at her, "Fellow's got a right sound view of reality. Down to earth type of fellow."
"Yeah fine, but he's not gonna get anywhere if he just keeps letting her walk all over him like that. Right?"
AJ didn't reply.
"Hey, I said right?"
Applejack was looking past Rainbow at the living room with a confused look on her face. Then her expression changed to a frown and she said, "Put 'em down Discord."
"He said to make myself comfortable, so I just thought I'd try lifting the heavy atmosphere in here," came the reply and Rainbow turned to see all the furniture in Clark's apartment was floating several feet in the air.
"Put 'em back Discord," said Rainbow, rolling her eyes.
"Spoilsport," replied the draconequus. The couch he was sitting on was lazily rolling over and over as he pretended to pay attention to this human sport of 'politics'.
The furniture returned to its previously gravity-obedient state and the two mares continued their argument as Discord watched.
"You know," he said to No One in particular, "They're going to be at this for a while. Maybe I should go exploring..."
Sticking his head between the cushions Discord began to slither into the couch. He stopped halfway as a muted, "Oh look, a quarter!" was heard. Then his lower half vanished into the couch as well, leaving AJ and Rainbow in the apartment, still duking it out over who was going to be 'his companion', oblivious to Discord's absence.
Lex sat in his chair, his fingers steepled as he listened to the analysts ramble on about falling stocks and revenues. The sharks swimming behind the walls of his office aquarium mirrored his exterior calm demeanor. Mentally he had already unpacked every chart and graph the young presenters were laying out to him and was currently dissecting his other business affairs.
Superman had put a severe dent in his illegitimate profit margins. But he was working on a scheme to, hopefully, end that alien's interference once and for all.
Is that sooo?
The voice had a distant echo to it, yet he could swear it came from right behind him.
Lex's head swiveled to the right as he took a quick glance behind him.
Nothing but the panoramic view of Metropolis visible through his office windows.
Hmmm, he thought to himself. Lex was not one to chalk voices up to overwork or lack or rest. He knew his lim- WHAT?!
The analysts had been interrupted by an engineer who was explaining the workings of a new system integrated in one of Lex's combat vehicle designs.
"The original machine had a base plate of pre-famulated amulite surmounted by a malleable logarithmic casing in such a way that the two spurving bearings were in a direct line with the panametric fan."
"Hence why, as you can see here," cut in one of the analysts, pointing to a picture of a chicken, "The madrigore of verjuice must be talthibianised."
Lex stared at them as another analyst swapped to a slide of an upside-down tree and pointed to it with a dead halibut instead of his pointer.
Finally he gave up as the engineer pulled out a jar of mayonnaise.
"This meeting is over. Everyone out!"
As he watched them leave his office he turned to Mercy, who'd been observing the meeting as well, and asked for her opinion.
She raised an eyebrow at his rare request and replied, "Well they raised some decent points, however the device will fail completely without a reciprocating dingle arm, to reduce sinusoidal repleneration."
"Out."
He watched her leave before leaning back in his chair and addressing the office.
"The imp I presume. I have kept abreast of your actions and must say I am surprised you have returned outside the allotted 90-day window."
There was a moment of silence before the lamp on his desk replied, "I'm afraid you have me confused with someone else. The name is Discord, Master of Chaos and Disharmony, recently reformed by my dear friend Fluttershy, and currently on a mission to spread the Magic of Friendship to this world."
Lex stared at the malformed, asymmetrically limbed lamp for a moment before continuing.
"Then what is your reason for coming to me?"
"You're supposed to be some kind of super genius. Why do you think I'm here?"
"To bother me, just like the Alien before you."
The lamp began to chuckle. The sound made Lex nervous. Something was off about it. It sounded just a little to similar to a certain psychotic criminal clown's laughter.
Lex reached for his intercom, but rather than Mercy's calm voice a voice he didn't recognize responded to his request for aid.
"There is nothing wrong with your intercom. Do not attempt to adjust the sound. We are controlling the transmission."
Grabbing the hidden weapon underneath his desk, Lex pointed it at the lamp and watched in horror as liquid laser dripped from the barrel onto the desk, creating plumes of smoke where it landed.
Lex edged around his desk and bolted for the door to his office. However, the faster he ran the farther the door seemed to get from him.
Looking down, he saw that the carpet beneath him had turned into a moving sidewalk and was matching his speed to keep him stuck in one spot.
He stopped and let it carry him back to his desk, a dark look upon his face.
"Tsk, tsk, tsk," said the lamp, playing with the bulb in one hand, "Why so distrusting Luthor? I'm trying to help you. As corny as it sounds, the Magic of Friendship really is a wonderful thing."
"Spare me your misguided moral delusions!" Lex spat back, "You want to help me? LEAVE ME ALONE!"
The lamp stopped rolling the light bulb in its fingers for a second before it suddenly flashed to life before evaporating in a cloud of glowing mist.
"So you want to be left alone, egh?" Came the smooth voice, and the lamb began to expand across his desk, legs and tale flopping over the edge as his full form began to take shape. "What about your flying, patriotic, alien friend?"
Lex had had enough. First an alien who wouldn't bend to his will, then a further slew of virtuous, do-gooders, and now a reality warper fixated on forcefully moralizing and legitimatizing Lex with childish nonsense?
"All I want is to live in a world free of you meddling, super-powered FREAKS!"
The creature raised an eyebrow and grinned, "Is that so? Very well then. Your wish is my command."
And with a snap of its fingers the creature vanished from the room as though it had never existed in the first place, leaving only a slip of paper in its wake.
As silence fell in his office again, Lex looked around, his breathing slowed and his shoulders relaxed. He scanned the note quickly before surveying his office to make sure no reminders of that creature remained.
Dear Baldy,
Since you're so certain everyone else is the problem, here's my little gift to you. Exactly what you asked for, a world without freaks. No super-men to mess with your plans, no heroes to challenge your positions, and no one you respect enough to despise. Have fun.
P.S. If you should have a change of mind, simply write 'HELP!' on the back of this note and I'll drop by.
The note fluttered into the trash as Lex leaned on his desk and stared out his windows at the empty skies of Metropolis.
Too good to be true. He thought to himself, Besides, what would it prove?
Sitting back in his chair, Lex felt under his desk for the high power laser he'd used before. Instead, he felt a different weapon, a smaller, less powerful version of the energy weapon greeted his touch and Lex began to have doubts.
"Mercy?" He asked, hitting the intercom.
"Yes Lex?"
"What's on my schedule for today?"
"Not much. You've got the orphanage dedication this afternoon, and at 4 the city's unveiling your statue."
Lex raised an eyebrow before replying, "Which one?"
"The one in Centennial park, on the south side of the lake. You posed for it last week."
"The creature actually did it..." He mused quietly to himself.
"Lex?"
"One more thing, Mercy. What does the word 'Kryptonian' mean to you?"
"I don't know sir. Is it an element on the periodic table?"
"That will be all Mercy. Thank you," said Luthor, sitting back in his chair with a wide grin on his face.
The foolish abomination actually did it! I'd be an even bigger fool to pass up this chance.
Reaching into his trash bin, Luthor withdrew the note and tore it in two.
'Help?' I need no one's help. Lexcorp will soon place the world in the palm of my hand.
Never again, will I have to look up to anyone or anything...
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 3: In The Time Between Time
Chapter 3: In The Time Between Time
Lighting flashed in the sky as Luthor looked up then down at his watch.
"Well? Where is it?" He said aloud, 3, 2, 1...
Glancing up at the hole in the cloud layer, he saw the ship appear in a flash of light.
Just as I remember it, he thought to himself. He was so pleased that he almost forgot to wait for the hologram to appear before approaching.
"Welcome to Earth. I'm Lex Luthor, the one who intercepted your transmissions."
"I am pleased to make contact with you Lex Luthor," said Brainiac, introducing himself.
I'm sure you are, my uninformed friend, Luthor grinned inwardly, imagining his future uses for the oblivious computer.
"I presume you speak for your planet?" The image continued.
"For all intents and purposes. In any event, I know what you want, and as a show of my friendship I offer you this..." Lex held out the small gift, "A disc, containing basic information about Earth and its history. A kind of planetary primer ."
And more, he continued to himself.
The image flashed away and a hovering chair descended from the ship.
Can't act too familiar with his technology, mused Luthor as he gingerly sat down and was whisked into the waiting craft, Especially when I have him exactly where I want him.
As the rockets roared below him, Lex reconsidered getting his hands "dirty" more often. He'd elected to position the data transfer closer to Brainiac's ship than last time and had covertly smuggled in the latest line in top-secret Lexcorp battle-tech: 4 Lexoskel 8000 Battle Suits, upgraded with Metalloid compounds and tactical guidance systems from his Police Battle Suit prototype.
Two of the suits were piloted by ex-military Lexcorp employees while his loyal bodyguard, Mercy, flew the third. Everyone thought they were in serious trouble with Brainiac trying to access his military network.
Good thing those infinity loop syntax's I hid in my network matrix are bogging down his systems. It could be hours till he actually accesses something dangerous.
"On my mark!" Mercy commanded as the Sky Sentry below them targeted the ship. She and the other two held back while Lex flew on.
He inhaled and braced for impact. A split second before he made contact however, he slammed his fist into the field, syncing the EMP pulse with the ship's energy field before detonation. As the field collapsed, his suit locked up and he plummeted towards the ground.
"FIRE!" Shouted Mercy, though Lex's suit coms were still rebooting, he could see the blast arc past him from the Sentry and blow a hole in the ship.
...Systems online...Boosters re-engaged...
And Mercy has already cleared the way, he thought as he saw the other three suits fly through the hole, lasers ready for Brainiac's internal defenses, While I get to show off my brilliance...
Lex couldn't help but throw a salute in blatant showmanship to his ground forces before entering the ship and rejoining the group. So that's what it feels like.
After making their way to the ship's bridge, Lex commanded the two soldiers to guard the door while he and Mercy read Brainiac his rights.
With that, Luthor engaged the suit's plasma cutters and started carving through the door like soft butter.
Showtime...
Above them Brainiac sat, every appendage plugged into a data-port, apparently helpless to stop them.
3...2...1... "Mercy, activate your repulser field!"
Restraints shot out from the walls and attempted to latch around the suits. However, while Luther's repulser field blocked his set. Mercy failed to activate hers in time.
Such a shame... He thought as electricity surged through the restraints and his body guard was rendered unconscious, "IT'S YOU AND ME BRAINIAC!"
Just the way I planned it.
"As commendable as your firepower may be, your attempts are still futile Luthor."
"That's what you think Kryptonian piece of junk," replied Lex, removing his helmet, "Luthor is always prepared. Now, if you would kindly surrender ..."
Brainiac's exoskeleton began to spark and spasm as the computer let out an inhuman scream.
"Lexcorp would like to thank you for your generous donation," gloated Luthor, as he flew up next to Brainiac, "I installed a little subroutine in that friendly disc of data, hidden and completely undeniable to your systems. Unfortunately for you, I am far more familiar with your technology than you originally thought. That is why I have no need for all of this," Luthor gestured around at the ship, "One small piece of you will suffice. I look forward to our continued partnership, my new friend ."
With that, Luthor removed a single chip from a bank inside Brainiac's skull and slipped it into a hidden compartment in his suit.
BOOM!
Lex looked around nonchalantly as the room began to detonate around him.
"That's my cue. Time to get in character."
Half of his suit, all the unnecessary components, began to melt as the suit auto-applied some blood, oil stains, and fake bruises to his face. Then, picking up Mercy in his arms, he charged the door yelling, "MOVE! IT'S GOING TO BLOW!"
After destroying the alien's ship and "saving the world", Luthor was hailed as a hero. With the chip and his preexisting knowledge of Brainiac's systems, piecing together the wreckage into marketable technology was child's play and pretty soon Metropolis, and thereby Lexcorp, boasted the largest economy on the planet.
Luthor accepted the hero worship from the public with his stoical modesty for a time, and even began to underplay his contribution to the battle at events held in his honor. But before too long, his laurels had sunk down around his neck and he was searching for another accomplishment to bolster his interest again.
"Mercy..."
"Yes Lex?"
Lex sat at his desk, his fingers steepled before him. A group of Generals had just left his new office, digital hard-light holograms had supplanted the previous décor. The only real object in the room, besides Mercy and himself, was the burned out casing of Brainiac's skull behind him, a memento and symbol of Lexcorp's technological prominence.
Mercy stared at him, waiting. Ever since he'd carried her to safety aboard Brainiac's ship, she'd been even more devoted to him.
"As loath as I would be to leave my new office. What would you say if I announced my bid for the presidency?"
Mercy's unflappable nature remained though she allowed herself a pleased smile.
"I'd say, it's high time the world realizes what Metropolis already knows."
Luthor's candidacy was a supreme success. Despite several failed mudslinging attempts by the opposing party, he won in a landslide victory. Over the next year or so, under his guidance, the nation's economy soared to new heights.
Meanwhile, Luthor left Mercy in charge of Lexcorp. Despite the apparent trust he had in her, Lex knew that the projects already in the pipeline were all he needed to cement his role in history, whether the American public knew it or not.
First came several small systems designed to increase work productivity; despite their almost unusable complexity, soon every company needed a Lexiplex, and the jobs market was screaming for brilliant people. Very few were capable of answering the call.
Then an assortment of faster more powerful vehicles, rocketed onto the highways and work areas. Injuries accompanied the reckless mishandling of the vehicles and the public clamored for increased safety.
Then came the final straw. A brilliant engineer managed to complete one of Lex's unfinished projects, and the Lexcorp MasterTech was launched. The public never knew that Lex had put the finishing touches on the system before he was elected. They couldn't have known Lex had planned this from the beginning and they had no idea what was about to hit them.
On the outside the system was sold as the ultimate in self-improvement. A microchip was injected just below the base of the skull and above the spinal column to increase mental acuity, focus, memory and improve the senses. Months later the bracelets were released as well to boost human physical ability. Practically overnight, the superhuman was born.
At first only a few could afford the technology, but as the numbers grew, so did issues.
Several arguments were brought up, especially when the Olympics rolled around. However, Lexcorp had sold the system under the heading The next step in human evolution! and people were already complaining that watching normal people was "boring".
Rules were changed, MasterTech-less people soon found themselves ostracized from society, unable to keep up with "Maxed" humans. Protests began and Luthor began his third term in office with the promise that the Lexcorp MasterTech would become a human right.
War, famine, poverty and theft soon became things of the past as people surrendered to "the system's flow" and shepherded in the future like the obedient sheep they had become. A few people tried, too late, to warn everyone. But their voices were strangely muted both virtually and in person, till they were forgotten and ignored like the background static they'd become.
Lex relaxed in his chair, the oval office clean and streamlined for maximum efficiency. As he watched the White House staff go about their chores he couldn't help but reminisce about the day he had first started up the MasterTech Prototype.
"Brainiac systems online. How may we serve you Luthor? "
One year later, the Nations of the World combined under one flag, the US Presidency became the top position in the new order, the global hold of the MasterTech hive-mind was completely unbreakable...
And Lex was bored out of his mind.
He couldn't tell whether it was the heat from the artificial sun or the surging turmoil inside his head, but Lex had a raging headache. The peaceful environment did nothing to sooth his throbbing skull.
It had been several months now since he'd ushered in the new age. He had, of course, chosen to remain MasterTech free, not that any of those who worked under him cared. Lex was in charge.
The dark glasses didn't seem to dull the pain, merely put pressure on his temples. Fed up, he ripped them off and threw them into the pool. Sitting up, he massaged his forehead as Mercy approached from where she'd been standing.
"Is everything all right sir?"
"My name is Lex."
"Is that what you wish me to call you?"
"Yes, it's what I wish. It's what you've always called me!"
She gave a quick nod of acknowledgment.
"Do you wish anything else, Lex?"
There was a moment of silence before Lex answered, "Yes... Mercy, do something... Unexpected."
Mercy did a back flip, rotated counterclockwise twice and saluted.
"Now do so... without me telling you to."
"Certainly, when would you like me to?"
He groaned and held his head in one hand.
"Never mind, just leave me alone for awhile. I need to think."
Without another word, Mercy left the room and Luthor was all alone.
"Cancel vacation," Luthor ordered and the hard-light simulation of a sun-kissed lagoon reverted to the cold, clean interior of his old office.
He sat in his chair and stared at the desk in front of him. Plans for an empire danced in his mind, slowly melting into the drab background of his his office. Everyone loved him; they had to. His empire was perfect; it had to be. His name would go down in history; a history only he cared about. His dream had arrived. It had been delivered on a silver platter. It was perfect in every way, not one thing could possibly be better...
And it was a living nightmare!
Computer, lamp, pad, everything was swept off onto the floor. The desk was flipped and he kicked the trashcan to the wall, papers flying everywhere.
But not the paper I need.
There was nothing and no one to test himself on. Nothing to push against. He was a bulldozer on a perfectly level plane of infinite size. Superman had been an obstacle, something in his way. But now that he had conquered everything and had every means at his disposal to push over that obstacle, it was the one thing he was missing. And there was no way back.
He had torn up his one ticket home, the only escape to this paradise of a prison he had asked for. No purpose, no future... no escape.
Or was there?
Grabbing a piece of paper and pen from the floor, he lifted the desk up and righted it to provide a writing surface. Thankfully, his memory was still as perfect as ever and he was able to transcribe, word for word, the message he had torn up so long ago.
Flipping the page over he drew a line and on it wrote one word.
"HELP!"
He dropped the pen on the ground, centered the note on his desk and stepped back to look around.
Nothing happened.
He scanned every dark corner of the room, straining to see even the smallest glimpse of that strange creature that had put him here, before sitting down in his chair and closing his eyes in surrender.
But not even a shadow flickered in the dead air of his office. While the world carried on, "lifeless" outside, he was stuck, helpless and alone. The great Lex Luthor, trapped in the solitary confinement of a living simulated world, death by living.
"You rang?"
Lex's eyes flew open and he tried to get up out of his chair, only to find that the snake-like body of the creature, who's face hovered upside down in front of him, was wrapped around him, holding him in the chair.
"You tricked me!"
The creature's body extended even more as it righted itself and stared levelly at him, "Tsk-tsk-tsk, we're both intelligent here Luthor. Let's not go pointing fingers. You asked for a world without superhumans and that's precisely what I gave you."
"Yes, but you didn't tell me how boring it would be without-"
"Friends?"
"A challenge."
The creature facepalmed and rubbed its eyes. Then it looked up and, sighing, said, "Oh well, I guess it's at least a little progress."
"Put everything back how it used to be, as a creature of chaos I can see that you are even more uncomfortable here than I am."
Discord looked around at the clean surroundings of the drab, spotless office and felt a shiver go down his spine.
"Be that as it may, if I put everything back the way it was before, playing with the set of rules you're playing by, you'll just end up "winning" again. This is still about you're hated, heroic other-half."
"This isn't about him! It's about my sanity-"
"What did I say about trying to be smart?" The tail tightened around Lex, cutting him off, "Boredom isn't insanity. If it were I'd be every flavor of crazy under the sun after those pretty pony princesses, their predestined replacement and her perfectly predictable pals minus one positive example of simple perfection petrified me and my previously pesky disposition."
"Save me your petty..." Lex stopped as he realized the creature was getting to him.
"Platitudes?" It finished for him, "Putting my plaguy past aside for the much more pleasant present, the point is... I sympathize a little for you. I really do. You see, I used to be the bad guy too once. I simply had no idea what I was missing. While you're envious of that superhuman alien, I started out with PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWER!"
The room seemed to shrink, filled up with the creature and its massive voice, before rebounding like a rubber ball back to reality.
"If I could take myself out of the equation long enough to see what friendship has to offer, surely you could at least try it ."
Adopting a faux smile, Lex decided to play along, "You mean, make friends with Superman. I hadn't actually considered that. The possibilities are... intriguing, to say the least. Tell you what, you put everything back the way it was before, and I'll consider your "friend" suggestion."
Mirroring Lex's look with an equally fake "surprised/delighted" expression, Discord blinked to reveal two cassette reals slowly rotating clockwise to give the impression he was rolling his eyes.
"All this "world" never was to begin with. Now hold on to your hat's and glasses, it's time to kick things into reverse."
There was an audible click as the creature pressed a button on the side of its head and the world sprang to life around them. Or should I say 'reversed' around them.
Lex found himself flying backwards through time, places, faces and things vanishing into the distance as he 'un-lived' the past several years, all the way to the point where it had all started. All the while the high pitched sounds of life in reverse at a hundred miles per hour issued from the speaker in the creature's mouth.
"...Is that so? Very well then. Your wish is my command."
The creature raised its hand, but didn't snap its fingers this time.
"We're back where we started, pre- the great superhero envanishment. Oh, and speak of the angel himself..."
The creature slithered and shrank back into itself until all that remained was a very abnormal-looking lamp, as Luthor turned around to greet who he was hoping was floating outside his window.
For once he didn't need to fake a smile at the sight of the Man of Steel.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 4: House Guests
As he drove home from work, Clark mulled over what the two ponies had said before he left in relation to his day with Lois. She had been correct in her assumption she'd break the ring before lunch, with Superman's help, but he couldn't help wondering why it took blocking bullets to get her attention.
At last, he decided to stop worrying about it and focus on his trip home. He could always ask his parents for some words of wisdom. With that, he put the top down and pulled onto the highway, letting the breeze blow through his hair. It wasn't quite flying but, given the relatively clean air of Metropolis, Clark could understand why so many drove with the top down or a window open.
He didn't, however, remove his glasses. He'd received too many strange looks from children in passing vehicles in the past, to risk it.
After parking his car in the garage across from his apartment building, Clark took a moment to peer into his dwelling and make sure everything was still in one piece. His apartment wasn't quite as solid as his Fortress of Solitude, but it appeared to still be in good shape, despite several new ponies having migrated outside their box.
With a 'ding' the elevator doors opened and Clark took a quick look down the corridor to make sure the coast was clear before zipping over to his door, unlocking it and darting in.
The ponies were apparently quite civil and well-behaved. The apartment was clean, nothing was broken and, despite their garish quality, the tiny ponies lying on the couch watching television couldn't help but engender a distinctly mellow quality.
"Ah, yer back already? That sure didn't take too long."
Clark turned to see the orange one, 'Applejack' he thought she'd called herself, walk out of the kitchen. Then he did a double take. Had she gotten... bigger?
"Huh?!" With a snort and a groggy exclamation, the other one, Rainbow, exited his bedroom, "Oh, hey dude."
As she landed next to Applejack, Clark had to admit, they had both gotten taller by about an inch or two, while the ponies on the couch were still the same size as before.
"Excuse me," he started, before either of them could say something, "Why are you both taller than when I left?"
"Oh that, pfff. Twilight can answer that," answered Rainbow, "Magic . 's always Magic."
"Yeah," Applejack gave her companion a look before providing a more complete answer, "The long and short of it sugarcube is, the more comfortable you feel around us and the more friendship we share, the more friendship magic we can feed off of. When that happens we begin to lose this whole 'action figure' thing Discord whipped up, and return to our old selves."
"How tall will you get?"
"About eighteen of your Earth 'inches' to the withers," came another feminine voice to his right and he turned to see a lavender unicorn with wings levitating several of the books from his bookshelf as she answered his question, "Twenty-eight, to the top or our head. And about thirty-six, standing on our hind legs."
Clark breathed a mental sigh of relief to know he wouldn't have to worry about about keeping them in his apartment till he could figure out how to get them home. Then he did a second double-take and compared the purple flying unicorn to the other two.
"Why are you two the only ones growing though?"
"Ah told ya, we're yer new friends. So we're the only ones feedin' off'a your friendship," answered Applejack.
"And so far, it looks like we're... growing on you? Egh?" Rainbow nudged Applejack with a grin while her friend merely rolled her eyes.
"And the rest of you?" Clark gestured to the ponies lying on the couch, some of whom had taken notice of the conversation and turned around to listen.
"They-" Rainbow was cut off by a second hoof in the mouth, "Ah told ya before. We ain't sayin' nothin' tell you got some good home cookin' in yer tummy and we're stickin' to that, aren't we?"
She removed her hoof and Rainbow nodded.
"Now, shouldn't ya'll get packin' and ready to head out?"
"You'll be flying, right?" Cut in Rainbow.
"That's right. Be I'm sticking to what I said before as well. You're not coming," Replied Clark as he headed into his bedroom to begin packing for his trip.
"Long as yer headed home, that's all we need ta know," came the voice of Applejack, "Everypony back in the box. We're headed to visit his folks."
"No, you're not," he said, sticking his head out of his bedroom.
"Whatever ya say, sugarcube. You just keep packin' yer skivvies."
He returned to packing, determined to make them understand (when he was done) that they weren't going to accompany him.
Having finished packing, and changed into something more comfortable for flying as well as suitable for the farm, Clark wandered back into the living room to see the purple pony levitating that last of the 'extra' ponies back into the box on the table.
"Need any help?" She asked, landing next to the box.
"Nah, I got this," replied Rainbow, stretching her wings before turning to Applejack, "How 'bout you?"
"If'n you don't need help, neither do I," she replied with an intense stare.
"Suit yourself," and Rainbow flew up and into the box.
Compressing her hind legs underneath her, Applejack aimed herself at the seat of the chair above her and pushed off.
Despite the strength in her legs, she was still a very little pony and just managed to get her front hooves over the edge of the seat. She hung there, her back legs pumping at thin air, trying to find some purchase as she attempted to lift herself up.
"You need some help?" asked Clark, stepping forward.
"Ah got it," she replied. With a grunt she pulled herself up onto the seat, and then readied herself for the next jump.
Unfortunately, the chair was still pushed in and the seat was resting mostly underneath the table. Looking up, the mare saw this and groaned as she realized she'd have to jump down and push the chair out a little.
"You sure you don't need any help?" Clark asked a second time.
She opened her mouth to reply, then she stopped and sighed before answering, "Could you pull the chair out a little sugarcube?"
Taking the back of the chair, he pulled it out till there was a little distance between the seat of the chair and the lip of the table and stood back without saying a word. Clark knew from his father, what some stubborn people could be like.
"Thanks," she replied, taking a breath as she backed up and readied herself for her next jump.
After pulling herself up onto the table Clark brought his luggage, a gray cloth suitcase packed lightly with some clothes and other necessities (including his costume) and watched her jump into to box. The flaps closed and it sat there, waiting.
Sighing, Clark walked over to the table and looked at the box.
"I told you I'm not taking you home with me. There's vegetables in the refrigerator. I'll only be gone for the weekend. Try not to cause too much noise. If Lois or any of my neighbors hear-"
He stopped as the box slowly began to spin. As he watched, it spun faster and faster. Then everything was still. Absolutely still.
The box had vanished and Clark was left standing in the kitchen staring at an empty table.
"Ugh," he sighed, as he realized where they must have gone. Then he picked up his phone to call his parents and confirm his suspicion.
"Hello Clark, " answered his mother, "Heading out soon? "
"Yes Mom. I actually called to ask you and Dad a question before I leave."
From the background Clark could hear his father talking, "Ask him if his question has anything to do with these friendly little creatures. "
"Clark dear, your father and I just received this odd... package. It looks like it might have been addressed to someone in Gotham at one time, but the uh... individuals inside have assured us they're in the right place."
Clark sighed. "Sorry Mom. A friend of mine asked me to take care of them for a while and they seem determined to become friends with everyone they meet. I'll get there as quickly as I can, till then just be careful around them, I'm not quite sure where they're from yet."
"Tell 'im the pie's still warm, " Came Applejack's voice in the background, and he heard his mother quietly shush her.
"What kind?"
"Oh, you and your super-hearing! " Replied his mother, "Hurry up and find out. And don't worry about us. Remember, they're not the first aliens we've gotten to know. "
He smiled and hung up.
Taking the suitcase in both hands he stepped back into his bedroom and put one foot on his windowsill. With a quick, enhanced look around to make sure no one was looking, he took off, straight up alongside the building, past the spire and up into the clouds.
As he came up through the cloud layer, he readjusted the case under his left arm, rolling over as he did so, and took off towards the sun-painted horizon and memories of his family's farm.
Clark flew low over the river to avoid any watchful eyes before cutting left across some open fields to stay clear of the town. He caught the earthy smell of alfalfa with a smile and crossed back over the river towards the crossroad by his parents' farm.
Taking a quick look at his previous home, he landed in the rear of the house and knocked before opening the kitchen door. His parents were sitting at the kitchen table listening to two ponies, both larger than normal.
"-I know the feeling," the light gray mare with a purple and white striped mane was saying, "On her first day of school our Twilight turned me into a species of tall grass."
"I was a cactus." The second pony added with a chuckle.
"You mean like actual plants?" Said Clark's father, raising an eyebrow.
"She got much better at controlling her magic once Celestia took her under her wing, but she was a regular terror growing up," continued the first.
"Oh Clark, how was your flight?" Asked his mother, standing up and giving him a big hug. "It was a little cold tonight, why didn't you wear something warmer?"
He could help but smile at his mother as she took stock of him, "My Fortress of Solitude is in the arctic Ma."
"That's no reason not to dress warmly. You want to catch cold?"
Before he could answer she gave his stomach a poke and continued, "You skipped lunch, didn't you?"
"Lois needed my help again."
"Mmm-hmm, good thing I got dinner ready." With that, his mother opened the cupboard and started filling his plate.
"How you doing Clark?" Asked Jonathan as he sat down at the table across from him.
"Swell Pa. They haven't been giving you any trouble, have they?"
"Of course not dear," replied his mother, placing a heaping plate of mashed potatoes and gravy in front of him.
"We actually share quite a lot in common," replied his father, taking a sip of coffee. "These two were telling us about their children. Their daughter's a magic protegee who ascended to the throne and her brother's captain of the royal guard and married to a princess."
"I'm not royalty guys. I just help people."
"So does our Twilight," replied the mare. "Plus she and her friends have saved the world a few times."
Clark picked up his fork, then glanced at his mother. "You mentioned pie?"
"No dessert till after dinner," she said, wagging a finger at him.
Dinner was delicious and pretty soon they were all sitting on the porch with a slice of pie apiece as Clark talked about his job, Lois and his parents listened. Applejack and Rainbow had introduced themselves and, after splitting a comparatively giant piece of pie between them, were currently resting up against the belly of the Kents' cat.
As Clark finished telling them about his day, a train whistled in the distance and his father leaned forward in his chair.
"If you want my opinion, AJ's got the right opinion about your approach to catching Miss Lane's attention."
"But Rainbow's got a point as well," added his mother. "What I'm curious about is what they're here to help you with though. They wouldn't tell us either and my curiosity's getting the best of me."
"Well, since you're all so keen to know. We're here to help yer son make some friends," replied AJ.
"What do you mean? I already have friends."
"Wrong sort," cut in Rainbow. "We're here to help you make friends with the unfriendly sort . You know? The ones that don't like you."
"You mean his enemies?" Asked Martha.
"Eeyup." AJ pushed her hat back on her head and grinned. "And before ya'll get started, we know what we're doin'. We've reformed a few rascals where we come from."
"As well as here in your world," added Rainbow. "Why do you think you picked us up from the Bat's place?"
Clark winced as Martha gave him a hard stare.
"You're not hanging out with the nut from Gotham are you?"
"I'm sure the boy knows what he's doing Martha."
"Yeah, he's not a bad guy Ma. He's just got a bit of a rough demeanor."
"Well we smoothed that out too after we got his gang o' hooligans all shaped up. Though I know what you mean." Applejack shook her head and sighed, "That feller's got a stubborn streak a mile long. Celestia even stayed behind to make sure he stays on the right track."
"Still," Clark replied, "I've met some of his enemies. Even assuming you did what you said and got them on the right path, they're nothing like my enemies. They could kill you. I'm afraid I can't accept your help."
"We've fought plenty of villains-" Rainbow started to say before Clark cut her off.
"No offense, but not like mine. I'd hate to see what the world would be like with them if I wasn't around. They could destroy all of Metropolis and possibly even the world if the Justice League failed to stop them in time."
"We've faced a few world-ending threats in our time," Rainbow continued. "Discord: Lord of Chaos."
"Freaky fella's capable of wrapping reality 'round his finger worse'n Pinkie. Turned the whole world upside-down and wouldn't stop shakin' it till we turned him to stone."
"Turned him to stone?" Inquired Martha.
"Temporarily, we let him go after that an' Fluttershy made friends with 'im. She has him over for tea every Tuesday. Helpful feller now, even though he can still be a might annoying."
"Or what about Chrysalis? Creepy bug-queen with a shape-shifting changeling hoard..."
"Got her whole army reformed and integrated into pony society now. Right friendly folks now, if a little odd."
"And don't forget Starlight Glimmer. After we foiled her plan to dominate Equestria by controlling everyponys' cutie marks she tried re-writing history to stop us."
"Cutie marks?" said Clark.
"Twilight's parents explained them to us," explained his mother. "They're those marks on their flanks. They're a natural part of growing up for them and as intrinsic to them as our personalities are to us."
"How did you deal with her?"
"Reformed. Now she's running Twilight's school of friendship with her reformed friend Trixie and Sunburst."
"Is this a running thing for you all?" Asked Jonathan.
"Sure is," replied AJ, nodding her head, "Heck, Twilight's thinkin of writin another book on the application of Friendship to reformin those in need."
"Be that as it may," replied Clark, "I can't risk your lives against my enemies. They're my responsibility, they are ruthless and could squash you like insects."
"1. We get bigger," said Rainbow, taking an aggressive stance, "2. What part of 'we're awesome' didn't you get?"
"And 3. They can't hurt us 'cause we're made a' plastic," finished off AJ.
Clark stared at them, "Plastic isn't indestructible."
"An figurines don't normally expand under the influence of friendship," Responded Applejack, "We ain't your run of the mill plastic toys. But if you add a little friendship we expand back to our old selves."
"Think of it like this," added Rainbow, "If they open up a little and share their vulnerability, we do the same. But until then we stay our safe protected plastic selves."
Clark reached out and ran a finger down Rainbow's mane, her hair soft under his touch. He could feel her neck and just couldn't shake how fragile it felt. He pulled his hand back and stroked his chin thoughtfully as he stared out over the farm at the setting sun.
At last, he stood up and floated off the porch. "I'm going for a short flight," AJ and Rainbow stood up as well, "On my own. I'm going to think about what you've told me. Want me to pick up anything from the store on my way back Mom?"
"I've got everything I need," she said as he smiled and vanished into the sky.
Rainbow shot up after him but stopped as he vanished over the horizon. "Ponyfeathers, he's fast!"
Meanwhile, AJ just turned and walked back into the house as though she were a mare on a mission. As she left, Rainbow flew back down and landed in front of Clark's parents. "Where's he going?"
Jonathan leaned back in his chair and smiled, "If I know that boy, when he's going to go do some serious thinking he heads up to his Fortress of Solitude up at the North Pole. He-"
"Got it, thanks!" Said Rainbow and dashed into the house as well.
Now left all alone on the porch, Jonathan and Martha held hands and stared up at the stars. "What do you make of them?" He asked.
"I don't know," she replied after a pause, "They might be out of their league, but I don't believe they mean Clark any trouble, and they seem to know what they're doing. But I'll tell you this. Those two aren't going to take no for an answer."
"Hmmmm," Was Jonathan's response as they sat there, and pondered a world that would send them a miracle like Clark and him a miracle like his new friends.
Rainbow didn't have any time to pay attention to where Applejack had gone. She was too busy trying to convince Twilight to send her to the North Pole as Rarity tried to get her to stand still long enough to put a scarf on her.
At last, with a pop and a purple flash, Rainbow and the scarf vanished from the kitchen and Twilight sat down as Rarity complained that she should have taken another scarf for Applejack.
Meanwhile, just inside the Fortress of Solitude, Rainbow extracted herself from the snowdrift she'd appeared in and stared around at the massive structure.
"Hah, looks like Applejack didn't count on me followin fly-boy with Twilight's magic. Sweet! Now, I wonder where he is..."
Before Rainbow had started badgering Twilight, AJ had already decided to appeal to Pinkie for her traveling needs. Which was why she now found herself sitting on a swivel chair as Pinkie spun her around and around, wrapping her from tail to head in a long length of red ribbon.
"Mind explainin' to me how tyin' me up is gonna help get me to that feller's solitary fortress again?" she asked as Pinkie wrapped the ribbon around her neck, higher and higher.
"I'm not tying you up silly," said Pinkie, "I'm wrapping you up. After all the method of travel has to be funny if this is going to work."
"OK, but what's the differ-engh," AJ started to say, but was cut off as Pinkie wrapped the ribbon through her open mouth and around her head.
"The point of tying something up is to keep if from getting untied," said Pinkie, the ribbon now covering AJ's eyes, "But the point of wrapping something up is for it to get unwrapped."
"Uhhh, Ogh-Kah," responded AJ as she felt Pinkie tie a bow on top of her head, "Gnow waghk?"
"Hold on," said Pinkie and with that there was a swift jerk and AJ's world started to spin. Pinkie must have grabbed the other end of the ribbon and started to pull. AJ tried to stay upright as the invisible world spun around her, until at last she fell off the chair onto a flat plane of ice and, with the flash of a red bow, the ribbon disappeared from around her eyes and she found herself in a giant ice cavern surrounded by glass terrariums of strange and exotic creatures.
"Hah, that's good old fashioned Earthpony know how!" Said AJ aloud, stamping a hoof and trying to stand up, "Even beet Rainbow heeee-"
The room was still spinning and AJ found herself, face-down on the icy floor.
"Shucks, I reckon I can give her a minute or so to get her," she said, rolling over as the world continued it's mad rotation around her, "What are you lookin' at?" She said to the large horned creature looking at her through the glass on her right. It continued to stare at her with it's vacant expression as it chewed on something.
Superman spun himself dry as he ascended from the frigid waters into the ice cavern. He stopped and hovered above the water, listening for a second before sighing and flying soundlessly down the icy corridor into the open room beyond. The argument only getting louder the closer he got.
At last, he floated behind the two intruders, unnoticed as they argued over who had beaten whom to the Fortress.
"But I can fly, what I want to know is how YOU got here."
"Good old fashioned Earthpony know how, that's how. There's a lot more to us than meets the eye and that's what I intend to show that feller when he arrives. Just 'cause I don't got wings doesn't mean I can't handle myself."
At last, he cut in, "I'll admit I am surprised to see you both here. But I just want to know, why? I said I wanted to think this through on my own ."
Clark watched as Applejack raised a hoof and immediately put it back down as though to steady herself, while Rainbow batted the scarf behind her again, out of her way.
"We're here to show you we can be just as stubborn as you," she replied.
"Yeah! And where ever you can go we can go too."
Clark sighed and crossed his arms, "I'm sorry, but I just don't have any experience of what you can do, and I don't want to put you in harm's way even though you say you can-"
"So yer sayin' you aren't sure about what we say we're capable of, but you're positive that we can't hold our own against yer super villains..."
"Despite the fact," cut in Rainbow, smirking, "That you can confirm with old Dark and Brooding himself, that we've done it before."
"Sounds more like you don't want to be honest with us and that's why yer runnin' away."
"The least you could do is give us a shot. Who's your weakest, least meanest, least likely to hurt us villain you got? I bet you I can take im! I mean, I made friends with Bane."
"An' Pinkie made friends with that there Joker fellow," added AJ, "And from what she told us, he weren't no happy camper before she met him."
Clark looked thoughtfully to one side as though reconsidering something before responding, "Very well, you raise a good point. If anyone's going to give it to me straight, it's Bruce. I take it you can make your way back to my place."
Before they could respond, he was gone, and Rainbow and AJ were left sitting in the middle of an empty icy fortress their mouths open in preparation to ask for a ride.
Applejack's mouth hung open for a second as she stared at the blank spot where Clark had been a second before, then she stomped the ground and muttered an angry, "Ponyfeathers. Well, guess it's just you and me Rainbow."
With that, AJ hopped onto Rainbow's back and steadied herself with the scarf.
"Ahh, what are you doing?" asked Rainbow.
"I'm gonna need you to fly me back to the farm..." AJ said in a chagrined tone, "Pinkie helped me get her. I don't know how she did it, and I don't know how to get back. Now, come on, you've carried heavier than me before."
Rainbow's shoulders sagged as she groaned and then responded, "Twilight teleported me. I don't know how to get back either."
"Well that's just great," said AJ, throwing her hooves up in the air in exasperation, "Right fine mess we done got ourselves into, and I ain't even dressed for this kind of weather."
Rainbow sad down on the ice next to her friend and grinned sheepishly, "Heh, guess for once I took things a little slower and came prepared." With that, she put her hoof around her friend wrapped the scarf around both their necks and said, "Don't worry. Honest guy like that won't leave us here all alone. He'll be back for us. After all, we are his friends."
AJ grinned back, and put her hoof around her friend as well, "Loyal fella like him. You can count on it."
Unbenounced to both of them, Clark had suspected neither of them had actually made it there on their own steam and was hovering in an alcove behind them watching as they laughed together about their situation.
Shaking his head in bewilderment, Clark descended behind them and gave a short cough.
"Need a lift ladies?"
Clark stood in dumbfounded silence as he took in the room. Bruce and Dick were sitting at the coffee table playing chess, while a full-sized Celestia lay on the couch, her ethereal hair flowing gently behind her and a plate of half-eaten cake on the table next to her.
At last, Bruce broke the silence. "You have a question, Clark?"
Blinking and redirecting his focus back to Bruce, Clark spoke, "They want to help me, but I don't want them to get hurt. How did you deal with them?"
"He didn't," responded the white alicorn from the couch, "We dealt with him ."
Without looking up from the chess board, Bruce sighed and nodded, "They do evoke extremely high levels of positivity. What I've seen them accomplish with the inmates at Arkham is nothing short of miraculous."
"The Magic of Friendship is a powerful thing indeed," she continued, taking another bite of cake, "And My Little Ponies are masters of its application."
"That may be true, but my enemies are powerful enough that your ponies might not be able to do anything if they try to hurt them, and I don't want to put them in harms way," responded Clark, directing his attention now to Celestia.
"The only ones in harms way will be your enemies," stated Bruce in his signature dead-pan.
"Bruce-"
'Don't believe me? Lock yourself in a room with that pink one for 5 minutes and then come talk to me."
Clark gave Bruce a pensive look, "What pink one?"
In the same tone, and without so much as a glance, Bruce responded, "The one standing on your head."
Clark reached up and, sure enough, there was another pink, poofy-maned figurine standing on top of his head. He picked it up, and looked at it. With a click, he turned to see Alfred holding open the hallway closet door.
Clark smiled and quirked an eyebrow at Bruce, who's attention hadn't left the chess game. His smile faded into an expression of confusion as he turned back to see Alfred hadn't moved from his position either. "You're serious?!"
"Five minutes," responded Bruce, expressionless.
Clark looked between the pink toy and the closet for a second before approaching Alfred. "Is he OK?"
"In my opinion, master Bruce's judgment hasn't failed yet, sir. But, ultimately the decision rests with you. I'm merely holding the door."
Now taking a more serious look at the unassuming, inch-&-a-half-tall, pink, plastic pony Clark took one last slow look at Alfred and stepped into the closet, the butler shutting the door after him.
"Five minutes, sir?"
"Five minutes," responded Bruce.
"20 seconds," cut in Celestia, almost smugly.
Bruce's head jerked around as he gave her a hard stare, "What did you do?!"
"Me? Nothing," responded the princess, taking an overly sincere, bite of cake, "But I cannot guarantee none of Twilight's friends haven't already started something."
Inside the closet, Clark raised his hand to look at the small toy.
"Well?" He said, somewhat cautiously, but with a touch of amusement in his voice, "What are you going to say or do to convince me I should let you try to- erhhm... 'reform' any of my enemies?"
The pink pony toy tilted its head to one side with a huge grin on its face and giggled at him, "We don't need your permission to help those in need. Heck, I help people who think they're just watching me ironically all the time. Besides, Discord got bored and left earlier today."
Clark's expression froze as he felt his pulse quicken. "I remember Applejack and Rainbow said he was capable of warping reality, but do you know who he's trying to help?!"
The miniature figurine went through some sort of ritual or pantomime, rubbing it's mane, flopping its ears and rotating in a circle a couple of times before answering his question, "Yeppers, Lexy Luthor."
Despite doubting that Lex would be able to harm some kind of reality-warping being, Clark still felt a shiver go up his spine. Something about the idea of these childish, brightly colored toys migrating around without him noticing made him nervous.
Tucking the pony into his pocket, next to the other two, he flung the door open (Alfred had his hand up as though he was expecting it) and zipped down the hallway to the front door. Almost missing a brief, "Gotcha" and growl from the living room.
As Superman glided over Metropolis towards Lexcorp Tower, he couldn't help but worry, what he might find once he got there. A destroyed office, Lex Luthor babbling on the ground, Luthor standing over some tiny pony-like creature dripping melting plastic, or... Luthor staring back at him with the scornful look of an adult who just caught their child not acting their age.
As he hovered up to Lex's office window, he could see the man inside, sitting at his desk. Then with a start Luthor jumped up and looked around, before turning to see Superman outside. For some reason he was smiling, as though he were actually glad to see him and hit the button to lower one of the glass panels between them.
"Superman!" Then he winced as though he'd only just heard himself. His shoulders slumped and he took a slow, measured breath before looking up and adopting a more forced smile, "The great Man of Steel. I know we've had a... 'strained' relationship at best, but I was giving it some thought recently and came to realization that we both wish for Metropolis to flourish. We may use different methods, but our goals are essentially the same."
As he approached the window, Superman saw Lex's eyes dart to one side as though surreptitiously checking behind him.
Lex extended his hand and whispered under his breath, "Desk lamp, dangerous, get rid of it! "
Superman narrowed his eyes and scanned Lex's desk. Indeed, there appeared to be a strange, misshapen lamp on the desk. A snakelike creature, with mismatched animal body parts, clutching a light bulb in one outstretched hand and grinning like a lunatic.
But before he could say anything, Superman looked back to see Luthor backing away, a shocked look on his face.
"No!" He said, a furious expression replacing the previous as he pointed accusingly at Superman, "You're in league with them! YOU CAUSED THIS?!"
Feeling something on both shoulders, Superman glanced to each side and saw AJ tipping her hat to Luthor on his right shoulder, and Rainbow smirking on his left.
"Luthor-" He tried to say, floating forward with his hands up in a placative gesture.
"It all fits!" Yelled Luthor, "When you failed to convert me like you did this city's sycophantic Superman worshipers, you decided to appeal to some other aliens."
Backing up to the desk, Lex reached behind and grabbed the lamp in one hand, "I'M NOT BEATEN YET!" And with that he hurled the lamp towards the window.
Unfortunately for Luthor, the lamp barely left his hand, before its tail coiled around his wrist and then down his arm. As Superman watched, the lamp expanded to just short the size of a human as its body slithered around Luthor, immobilizing him as the creature rubbed the bridge of its nose with one hand.
"How're you handlin' him Discord?" Shouted AJ from Superman's shoulder.
"I thought I left you all back at the farm, " whispered Superman to the two ponies on his shoulders.
"Pretty sure he brought us here to make a point," said Rainbow, pointing a hoof at the creature.
"Of course I did," replied the creature, waving his hand at Luthor, "I was trying to show my friend here you're all in the same boat. But as you can clearly see, despite his intelligence, he has the emotional maturity of a 4-year-old."
"Mrrffg," growled Luthor, struggling to say something through the creature's tail that was stuffed into his mouth.
"If he doesn't behave himself, I just might have to pull out the big guns..."
"Big guns?" said Superman, as Luthor quit struggling with a wary glance between the alien outside and the alien inside his office.
"Of course," continued Discord, "My good friend Starlight said it works wonders for airing one's aggravations out in the open and seeing things from all parties' points of view."
"Would it hurt him?" asked Superman, his arms crossed as he gave a hard stare at the draconequus.
"Hurt?! Why Superman, you task me. I'll have you know I'm reformed. I would never hurt a prospective new friend," Discord patted Luthor on the shoulder, as he glared back, "No, I am referring to the fabled, the legendary, never fails, drum roll please..."
Rainbow tapped her hooves rapidly on Superman's shoulder.
"Buddy Road Trip! "
Superman, shook his head and blinked in confusion at the mad suggestion of the creature, as Luthor froze, eyes wide in shock and terror.
"You're kidding, right?" He said, tilting his head slightly, as Luthor glanced hopefully towards his one lifeline.
"Most certainly not! Since Fluttershy's friendship and forgiveness, I never joke about friendship. What do you say baldy, care for a friendship field-trip ?"
Luthor shook his head and tried to let out some sort of muffled negative assertion, but Discord wasn't having any of it.
"Believe you me, you'll be much better off for it. Adventure's good for the soul, and I'll be there every step of the way with just a little bit of Murphy's Law to keep things interesting and moving forward. TO THE PORTAL!"
And with that Discord unwrapped his body, sending Luthor spinning into a swirling magic portal, screaming one word as he fell, "SUPERMAN!"
"Start the theme music and let the adventure begin!" And with that Discord disappeared into the portal as well followed by epic disembodied adventure music.
After they had vanished Superman felt the seriousness of the situation hit home.
"You call this 'reformation'?!" He said, taking the ponies from his shoulders and holding them up in front of him.
"Feller, what did yer parents do when you did something bad as a kid," asked Applejack, giving him a raised eyebrow.
"Well, I'm afraid they couldn't do too much, but they did try to punish me so I wouldn't do it again."
"They gave you a taste of reality, helped you get your head on straight. That's what Discord's doin'. Takin' him out of his comfort zone and introducin' him to one of them there exciting incidents."
"I think you mean, inciting incident," corrected Rainbow.
"Whatever it is, this is the part where that feller gets to go on a good ol' fashioned adventure with someone to help color parts in without the dark shades of his heart gunkin' everything up."
"But... against his will-"
"You catch bad guys and put them in prison against their will," chimed in Rainbow, "And you really think he wouldn't be happier with a little friendship brightening up his life?"
Superman was getting more confused by the moment. He was pretty sure, they'd just done something illegal, but the ponies seemed to be raising good points.
"OK, two questions."
"Shoot."
"How do you know your friend can help Luthor? And what if he doesn't?"
"Discord's a tricky feller, but I gotta admit he's smart as a whip and knows how to handle himself. Plus he's a friend."
"Yeah, and I'd count on him just as I'd count on Applejack to get the job done."
"But someone's going to notice Luthor's mis-"
With that a duplicate Discord poofed into existence, pulled his hair back to reveal a bald scalp with two horns sticking out of it and said into the intercom, in a perfect impression of Luthor's voice, "Mercy, a situation has arisen. I do not wish to be disturbed until I notify you otherwise. Understood?"
"Certainly Mr. Luthor."
"Trust us now?" Said Rainbow, smirking once again at the Man of Steel.
"I'm going to regret this..."
"Hah, not if we have any say about it," chuckled AJ.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 5: A Give And Take Relationship
Chapter 5: A Give And Take Relationship
Clark awoke to the family rooster crowing outside his window and rolled over to see a full-sized Rainbow Dash still snoring on a cloud next to his bed. He sighed as he remembered how they'd both grown to their full size after he'd agreed to give them and their friends a chance last night.
However, as he lay there watching the blue pegasus slowly breathing in and out, he felt his initial skepticism of the morning shift a little. There was definitely something about how her feistiness left her while she lay there dreaming, that couldn't help but get Clark to smile.
So, making sure to be quiet, he floated out of bed and hovered there considering how to silently make his bed.
With a slight creak the door to his room opened and he turned to see Applejack standing there. Raising a finger to his lips he nodded to his left to indicate Rainbow was still sleeping. However, AJ merely rolled her eyes, took a deep breath and then gave a rather exaggerated, "AHEM!"
Like a bolt from the blue Rainbow came full awake, back-flipped off her cloud (kicking it into nothingness behind her) and landed next to AJ in the doorway with a grin to her friend.
AJ snorted and looked back at Clark, "Don't forget to make your bed. We're meeting in the living room to discuss what we're doin' next."
As Clark exited his room, he saw his parents sitting on the couch, one of Twilight's parents either side of them.
Sitting across the coffee table from them he looked around the small room to see Applejack in the chair next to him while Rainbow drifted on another cloud, and a score or more of smaller muzzles peered out of the cardboard box which sat on another chair to his right. On the coffee table lay a detailed map, artfully drawn in crayon with a short list on top and Pinkie Pie standing next to it wearing some sort of frilly general outfit.
"Morning Clark, did you sleep well?" Asked his Mother.
"Like a rock, Mom," answered Clark, smiling, then he looked down at the map and list, "Have they already laid out their plan?"
"Nope," replied his father, "That pink one just whipped this up right before you got out here, couldn't have taken her more than a few seconds."
Clark leaned forward and glanced over the small list.
"Which one of you is 'Rarity'?" He asked, looking towards the cardboard box.
"Hello," Called out a feminine voice, and he looked over to see a small white unicorn standing on the couch between his parents, "Good morning Mr. Superman, I am Rarity. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance."
Clark stared disbelievingly from the immaculately coiffed, ladylike pony to the list in front of him.
"I know what you're thinking darling," Cut in Rarity, smiling, "But Pinkie told me which one of your miscreants I'd be dealing with beforehoof, and I'll have you know, I've handled rougher scoundrels than him."
Clark ran his right hand over his face, down to his chin where he rested it, before glancing over at Rainbow and Applejack. Both of them were leaning forward, practically ready to fall out of their chair and cloud respectively. At last, he returned his gaze to the little white figurine, inhaled and asked, "Do you possess some highly dangerous power that could potentially injure the citizens of Metropolis or be turned against me?"
Rarity laughed, "Not unless you consider creating fashion catastrophes 'highly dangerous'. I'm afraid I do not have the power of my friend Twilight or the strength of Rainbow or Applejack."
"Don't let 'er fool ya though," Interrupted Applejack, "She can hold her own just as well as any of us."
"Yeah!"
"I'm asking because the 'rapscallion' you want her to face poses more danger to her the more danger she poses to us."
"You worry too much Supey," Said Pinkie Pie, "Stop stalling and make with the up, up and awaaayyyyy!"
"Very well. But I'm keeping an eye on her at all times."
"I must say, the crimson and royal blue look absolutely fabulous," said Rarity, as Clark reemerged from his room, now dressed as Metropolis's protector.
"Here, take this," said Martha, handing Clark a small, red cloth, drawstring bag, "It has fabric separators to keep them from getting bumped around so much."
"You think of everything Mom," he said, kissing her on the cheek as he picked up Rarity, Pinkie Pie and his two other pony friends, who had both shrunken down so he could carry them.
"Let us know how things go," They called out, as he and the small bag of ponies took off towards Metropolis.
Professor Hamilton had taken the miniature ponies decidedly well. Though he seemed as cautious to trust their capabilities as Superman, he was definitely fascinated by their magic-based biology and the possibilities they presented him with.
After a great deal of convincing from them, as well as a brief remark from Superman that he would be watching over them Hamilton led the group through the Star Labs security door into his lab and down a hallway to another large steel door with a glass port in it. From the other side of the door they could hear the random sounds of a TV skipping through channels along with a long, high-pitched yawn and groan.
Hamilton knocked on the door and the TV switched off with a click.
"Hey, what's up doc?" Came a cheery voice from the other side of the door and a violet face appear looking out through the glass.
The figure noticed Superman and leered, "Hey there Supes, no hard feelings about last time I took you out to lunch?"
Superman didn't even flinch as Rudy Jones looked at him, almost attempting to drink his power through the door.
"Rudy," Said Professor Hamilton, regaining his attention, "Superman may have found a way to help you."
"Help me? What are you talking about? I've got everything I need right here. Free TV, no responsibilities, and if I ever get out of here, one super smorgasbord waiting for me."
"But you're not happy, are you Rudy..." said Superman, stepping forward.
"Enough with the sappy 'go straight' nonsense." muttered Rudy, using his right hand to imitate a yammering mouth, "No one cared about me till I became what I am today. I ain't giving this up and you can't make me."
There was a gentle feminine cough from somewhere and both Superman and Hamilton gave each other nervous looks.
"Rudy-" Superman started to say, but was cut off by another cough, more firm this time.
"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Asked Professor Hamilton, giving the Man of Steel a questioning look.
"Hey, you two are up to something!" interjected Rudy, who had begun to notice their uncomfortable looks.
"I agreed to this," responded Superman to his friend, "I just really hope they know what they're doing..."
"Very well then," said Hamilton, opening the door to a small cavity between the corridor and Rudy's cell.
"Careful Professor!" Said Superman.
"Don't worry, Superman. The transfer box is designed to only allow one door open at a time. Rudy can't do is anything till I close my end. Now may I see... uh 'it'?"
There was a quiet harumph sound as Superman passed Hamilton something enclosed in his hand. Rudy was doing his best to look through the small window to see what was going on at this point.
"Seriously guys? What is it?"
Professor Hamilton placed some small object into the transfer box, closed the door and stepped back.
A short, pregnant silence from the other side of the door ended in a snickering guffaw as Rudy lifted the little white unicorn toy up to the glass.
"This was what you guys are all worked up about? I'm touched. But seriously, how old do you think I am? Four?"
"What are we supposed to do next, Superman?" Asked Professor Hamilton, ignoring Rudy.
"We just leave them."
With that the two figures walked away, leaving the confused cell's occupant trying to stare after them through his small window.
When they'd gone, Rudy set the small figurine on the lip of the window to his cell and bounced it around, saying in a mocking tone of voice, "I'm Superman, and I'm going to give my enemies little kiddie toys. What a chump."
With a flick Rudy sent the plastic toy flying into the corner of his cell as he lay back down on his cot and continued flicking through the channels on TV.
What he failed to notice, was the blue glow surrounding the figurine as its descent slowed, or the lifelike way the toy arched its back, flipping to land gracefully first on its rear and then front hooves.
After landing, Rarity turned to look at her new cell mate. Oh. It. Is. ON!
Rudy was bored.
He was correct in his assertion that he had everything he could want. He got three square meals a day, full TV privileges, and nothing was expected of him expect that he stay put. But he had scanned through all the TV channels more times than he wished to count, and his otherwise comfortable bed was getting ever more uncomfortable the more time he spent laying on it.
It had been this way for months now, since Superman last locked him back up. Every day was the same: wake up, eat, lay around and wish for something to do, eat lunch, lay around and wish for something to do, eat dinner, and go to bed.
His act that he didn’t care he was locked in here was just that, an act, and now he was really beginning to wish he could figure out some way to escape. But unfortunately, all his previous escapes had been based around someone on the outside making a mistake and getting too close to him.
“Excuse me young man.”
The voice, coming from inside his cell, took a second for him to register. He spun around, looking for where the voice had come from but no one was there.
“What the...” He started to say, but was interrupted by the voice.
“Ehem, down here.”
Rudy’s gaze drifted down to the floor and the tiny, white unicorn who stood there, addressing him like he was a child.
He couldn’t help but straighten up in shock (and maybe a little apprehension) at the strange situation. He blinked and rubbed his eyes as he stared at the cell’s new occupant, not believing what he was seeing.
“Great, I’m so bored, I’m starting to see things.” He muttered to himself, turning his attention back to the TV screen.
“It’s not polite to treat people like they don’t exist,” she continued.
“Whatever,” he responded, not even bothering to look away from the screen.
“Especially-” Rudy felt a strange sensation moving over his body, like refreshing water and mint, out of the corner of his eye he could see a blue glow radiating around his body and he found himself sitting up on his cot and getting to his feet, “When they are a lady.”
The glow faded and he found himself standing, looking down at the now unmistakably real talking pony figurine.
“What the- How did you?”
“My magic may not be as potent as Twilight’s but I am still not one to be trifled with,” she continued.
Rudy’s expression quickly shifted from one of shock to greedy interest and, getting down on one knee, he attempted to butter up the mare.
“Oh, um... pardon me... ma’am? I don’t know what came over me.”
She didn’t seem to pay any attention to his outstretched hand as he picked her up a waited for the sensation of rushing power.
But nothing happened.
Rudy’s expression changed to angry consternation as he held the plastic pony in his left hand and tapped her mane with his right index finger.
Shaking his head, Rudy hit the power button on the TV remote and muttered something about ‘too much TV’. That said, this time, he placed the toy on the edge of his cot instead of leaving it on the floor.
“That’s a bit more like it,” she continued.
Like a striking snake he snatched her up again and stared at her.
“Am I hearing things or are you actually talking to me?”
“Is that what you are truly curious about, or are you instead confused why you can’t drain me of my magic?” She responded as he held her small plastic form in his fingers.
Rudy rolled his eyes and grunted, “So you know about that then?”
“I should hope so,” she answered, giving him an ignominious look, “Walking into some unknown ruffian’s cell and not knowing what they’re capable of, what kind of foal do you take me for?”
“Well, can’t blame a guy for trying,” chuckled Rudy.
“Taking that which doesn’t belong to you? I most certainly can,” for some reason, Rudy felt like wincing, almost as though his mother was scolding him. “And the reason you can’t take my powers is because I am made of plastic and not a living pony... yet.”
“What do you mean, ‘yet’?” Asked Rudy.
“Well, it is my mission to teach you about friendship and as you learn so I grow, hopefully, into an actual friend.”
Rudy’s beady eyes squinted at her.
“So all I have to do to get your power is make friends with you? Sounds simple enough.”
The toy gave him a fixed, half-lidded, stare as though he was being unbelievably thick.
“Not with that attitude young man. Friendship isn’t something you exploit, it’s something both parties benefit from.”
“Yeah, that’s not going to happen,” continued Rudy, rolling his eyes and looking away, “I ain’t got time for friendship nonsense.”
“Ugghhh, how can you say that?!” The pony sputtered, “I see you in here, bored and lonely. Some one like you needs a friend and- would you look at me when I’m talking to you.”
Rudy felt the magic grip his face, but this time he was prepared.
The blue glow faded, and the pony let out an involuntary gasp as he absorbed the magic surrounding him like a sponge.
Turning back to look at the pony, he gloated, “I don’t need any friendship, and I don’t need to pay attention to anyone. And you know why? Because I’m the Parasite. I take what I want, when I want it, because I can. And if you think a little plastic pony is going to convince me otherwise, guess what? I don’t care. And you can’t make me!”
The pony looked noticeably drained and taken aback, but she still had the wherewithal to raise one hoof towards the small camera in the corner of the room to show she was OK.
Her fiery gaze refocused on the hapless villain as she gently informed him, “I tried to be polite, but since you have made it quite clear that you are nothing but a stubborn brute, I’m afraid I must resort to drastic measures. You have brought this upon yourself, young man.”
With that she turned her head towards the camera and her horn lit up.
Whatever she had been about to do, however, was cut short as Rudy focused on her glowing blue horn and made the connection. Reaching out a hand, he gripped her and her glowing horn. She stiffened and let out a shrill scream as the glow around her horn faded to be replaced with a blue glow around Parasite’s hands!
“YEAH BABY!” Yelled Rudy as the white mare flopped over in a dramatic faint in his left hand while he checked out the magic in his right, “So this is what magic tastes like. Looks like we might become closer friends than you thought.”
Rudy looked up from leering at Rarity and saw Superman outside the door wearing his lead-lined protective suit. It couldn’t have been but a few seconds since he had taken Rarity’s powers and he sure wasn’t going to let them take this opportunity away from him now. He just had to figure out some way to escape with his new powers.
“Ta-ta darling,” said Rudy, waving through the window and, in a flash of blue light, he vanished from the room.
“This is terrible!” said Hamilton, coming into the empty room after Superman and adjusting his glasses, “What have we done?”
“Ta-ta darling?” said Superman, quoting Rudy’s last words, and giving the professor a raised eyebrow.
In a flash of blue light, the Parasite appeared below Metropolis in one of the sewer lines. He shook his head and looked around, a little surprised.
“Wow, not very potent magic my foot. You and I are going places Rarity.”
With that he started strutting down the pipe, water sloshing around him as he tried to find an exit to the world that waited above him just waiting to be claimed.
Suddenly his walk and happy thoughts came to a crashing halt.
“Wait a second!” Rudy’s memory flashed back to him making his flashy and oh so fashionable escape, “What did I say?” ta-ta darling “I don’t talk like that.”
Raising his left hand, he shot a nervous glance at the small unconscious mare, her hair slightly mussed from her adventure so far.
Rudy blinked as he found himself trying to smooth out some of her stray hairs with his right index finger, “What am I doing?!”
Getting more uncomfortable by the second, he bent down to leave the fashionista resting on the top of the sewer pipe’s channel. Before her hooves touched grime , he tightened his grip and pulled her back towards him.
Startled, Rudy tried extending his arm again, but found that he couldn’t. His hand kept returning to him like he was pushing against a spring.
He placed his other hand over the hand that was holding Rarity and tried pushing with all his might. With almost every iota of his being he tried gingerly setting the pristine white pony on the filthy cement edge. She hovered there, in his fingers, just inches above a puddle of something , his hands shaking uncontrollably.
Finally, he gave up and his arms relaxed, returning the pony to his side.
Sweat began to trickle down his bald head as he could swear he felt someone, somewhere giving him a terrifyingly dark look.
Opening his hand, he looked down at the pony, lying there, harmless and unconscious. Slowly, centimeter by centimeter he started pivoting his wrist. The pony, like a tremendous weight, felt like she was cemented to his outstretched palm. Was he calling her fat?!
Rudy gritted his teeth, trying to push past the pressure in his own head, and continued tipping over his hand. The small plastic toy felt like it was made of sandpaper as it slowly began to slide down his skin, catching on every ridge, wrinkle and pore as it slowly made its way off the jittery, inclining plane of his palm.
With one last look out of the corner of his eye, he saw her purple mane drop over the edge and she fell-
*plop*
Into his outstretched right hand.
I have absolutely NO intention of going for a swim in that slimy, dirty, foul, filthy, dis-gusting sewer water, thank you very much!
Rudy’s eyes flew open and the sewer walls echoed with the helpless reverberations of his pitiable cry.
“OOOHHHHH, COME ON!”
Barely five minutes or so had gone by and Parasite had given up trying to win out against the pony inside his mind. No matter how much he informed her it was his brain. She merely responded that he was the one who put her there in the first place.
And believe me, I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have to be. This place is a mess! And I don’t mean in a chaotically creative way, but a slovenly disgrace for an underutilized mind sort of way.
“Don’t touch anything!” Yelled Parasite, slapping the side of his head. In order to separate out the voice in his head from his own, he found himself talking out loud, “It’s MY mind. I’m in charge up here.”
Very well darling. I’m merely suggesting that if you did a little dusting around you might find some beautiful memories, and stop wasting so much brainpower devoted to... egh.
A vast hodgepodge of garbage television landed with a splat, like a tipped over can of paint on the floor of Rudy’s mind.
For a fraction of a second, Rudy considered running back to Star Labs to turn himself in and hope the Professor could help him.
But then I’d win...
But then she’d wi- “SHUT UP!” Rudy did a little hissy fit dance in the water, pounding both sides of his temples with his fists, “Shut-up, shut-up, shut-up! It’s MY head, you do what I say. SHUT-UP and leave ME alone!”
You-you-you. My, you really are a parasite. I'm not trying to hurt you, Rudy; I'm trying to show you that there's more to this life than just you, and sometimes giving can be the greatest gift you can receive.
"That makes no sense."
A great many things in life don't have to make sense darling. But think about it; if you contribute a little to the beauty of the world you're living in, wouldn't it beautify the life you're living in that world?
"The world's never shown me any respect," responded Rudy, "I'm just trying to get something from it my way, just like everyone else."
The respect due a worthwhile, confident individual like yourself... Rudy couldn't tell whether all he or the pony was thinking about was the wet paint smear of all his accomplishments on the floor of of his mind, but that thought just sat there, silently staring at him from the empty recesses of his mind.
Thankfully, while trying to ignore her, Rudy stumbled upon a manhole. Lifting the manhole cover with Rarity's magic was just a little easier than climbing up the ladder with only one hand, and luckily for him, the manhole exited in an empty alleyway, just off the street, so no one saw them exit.
"I need some kind of disguise, preferably with pockets."
Look, there's a clothing store across the street!
There was a barely audible pop and the empty alleyway he had started running down, transformed into a side door, that Rudy ran face-first into.
"OW!" He muttered, raising his hand to his face, "Don't do that without warning me!"
I said, 'look there's a clothing store across the street'. YOU weren't listening to me. I was just trying to help. Others can do that for you, you know...
"Whatever," said Rudy, still rubbing his nose. Then he tried to open the door.
"Locked!" He muttered angrily under his breath as Rarity watched within his mind.
Rudy hadn't actually seen the store he was trying to break into, and while he tried to figure out a way in, he leaned against a dumpster behind him. Rudy could feel Rarity's discomfort for leaning against a trash container. Grinning at this, he laid his hand on the metal behind him, but something felt off.
He turned and grinned as he realized it wasn't actually a dumpster but a Salvation Army clothes donation box.
Pushing his arm into the donation slot he felt around, but all the clothes were just out of his reach. After straining with all his might for a few second he heard of slight cough in his head and remembered his 'borrowed' abilities. Scooping with Rarity's magic aura he managed to snag a pair of pants, a long trench coat (for some reason Rarity was very happy about that), a pair of mismatched shoes and a gray beany-type cap.
He was just about to put them on, when he found himself putting the shoes and the cap back.
"What are you doing?!" He said.
They shoes don't match darling, and you don't want that kind of hat, it doesn't go with the jacket.
"I don't care what they look like, if they work!"
Still, let's see if we can find something better for you.
Rarity pulled out several more shoes until she found a set that matched and Rudy was about to just leave hat-less, when he magically pulled a fedora out of the box.
Rarity was ecstatic, Rudy was indifferent.
Why aren't you more excited? She asked, This completes your ensemble.
"A hat's a hat." With that he donned the fedora, rolling his eyes.
"Hey you!" Came a voice from the street, and Rudy instinctively pulled the brim of his hat down to hide his face.
Just one reason that some hats are better than others... Came a smug voice in his head.
He ignored it and turned towards the voice.
"Uh, yeah?" He asked, looking up just enough to see who he was talking to.
It was an old woman, pushing a beat up shopping cart filled with junk. Her clothes looked even worse than his.
"Don't s'pose you could spare some change? I'm trying to catch the bus to go see my son," she said.
Sure you are... Thought Rudy rolling his eyes under his hat. "Bug off lady."
She turned her cart around and started to push it towards the street, while Rudy exited the alley and looked around to get his bearings. As he was doing this, he noticed that the lady with the shopping cart was about to cross the street in front of an oncoming car.
Without even thinking, Rudy jumped forward and pulled the lady back onto the sidewalk, knocking over her cart in the process as the car continued on, the driver apparently missing the two pedestrians.
Rudy was too busy watching the car to notice as the woman grabbed a stick from her toppled cart and whacked him on the head with it.
"Hey!" He shouted, "What the heck lady?!"
But she wasn't listening to him, she was too busy trying to pick up her cart and continue hitting him with her stick.
Rudy held up his hands and backed away from the screeching woman as she continued trying to right her cart. Thankfully, she didn't seem interested in calling for police, and Rudy managed to dart off down the street, grumbling at the injustice of it all.
Lousy, good-for-nothin' , he thought to himself as he walked. I keep her from getting squashed and the ungrateful nut beats ME up.
For trying to help her?
"Exactly!" Said Rudy under his breath. "The stubborn bat would know someone's trying to help her if they were staring her in the face."
Suddenly, Rudy turned and found himself staring at his own reflection in a store window.
You mean like how I am with you, right now?
Rudy shook his head and turned to continue walking down the sidewalk.
"It ain't the same thing."
Oh really?
"Yeah. I don't need help. I've got powers."
Even Superman needs help sometimes. You don't think we'd let him handle this situation on his own do you?
"Wait! You mean, even he's got one of you in his head too?!"
While they're not in his head, yes, two of my friends are helping him as well. Just because you have super powers, doesn't mean you don't need help. In fact, sometimes when you have too much power, it can run away with you and you might do things you regret.
"Like you would know."
I'll have you know that I once lost myself to a dark enchanted book that almost had me destroy my entire town in a fit of unbridled creativity.
"You're kidding. Someone like you? What'd you do, decorate everything within an inch of it's life?"
She gave an uncomfortable cough (somehow) in his mind.
Yes... It wasn't one of my better moments. If it hadn't been for my dear friend Spike, I have know idea what might have become of me or my friends... or Equestria. I completely lost myself. Looking back now, it still makes me shudder.
With that, Rudy found himself remembering a world of pastel ponies suddenly over-decorated to an almost incomprehensive level. Crystal houses without doors (they compromise the aesthetic), roads of gold lined with gemstones (simply stunning), childrens' parties forcibly turned into ritzy, high-class affairs (so prestigious and austere).
But along with this he also felt Rarity's emotions looking back at the state she was in. At first all he could feel was an overwhelming sense of creative power, the all-consuming ability to mold the world to his whims. The jittery caffeine-high of the green energy flowing through him was so enticing. Then he saw a small purple dragon, felt a wave of emotion wash over him and the energy evaporated from his body. His head cleared and his sense of self sharpened. He remembered the sleepless night before as the magic took its insidious hold over his mind. It all started so simply but grew like a monster in your head until she wasn't controlling the magic, the magic was controlling her!
He snapped back to reality, and blinked.
But that wouldn't happen to me! He thought.
You've seen my life, and what kind of a pony I am. You really think that the kind of power that could do that to me would really have no affect on you whatsoever?
An image of the sort of future he might conjure if he let a different power take hold of him twitched at the back of his mind like a worm trying to squeeze out of an apple. Rarity winced at the apt description and the idea began to wiggle through his mind unchecked.
Every time he tried reframing the ideal power fantasy it kept looping back and biting into him.
"Stop doing that!" he said, rather loudly, then he looked around to see he was in the Metropolis public park and people were giving him odd glances.
Pulling the hat down to hide his face, he turned and walked down a mostly empty path, while Rarity answered him in his head, I'm not doing anything. I'm merely pointing out what kind of a person you are and if a pony like I can make mistakes, so can you.
"But then, what's the point?" He whispered to himself, staring at the ground as he walked.
With your outlook, there really isn't one.
"Thanks a lot. I thought you wanted to help me or something."
I do. But first, you need to change how you look at the world.
"Let me guess, some goody-two-shoes viewpoint?"
See, that's the kind of viewpoint that isn't helping you.
Gripping a nearby tree, Rudy was about to smack his head against the bark, when he stopped.
You know that's going to hurt, right?
"That's the whole point," he answered.
Suit yourself. It's not my head.
Rudy regained control and smacked his forehead into the solid wood of the trunk.
"OWW!"
At the back of his mind, he could feel Rarity rolling her eyes.
Lacking Superman's invulnerability, Rudy had to sit down on the grass next to the tree. His head was throbbing.
As he sat there, he kept expecting the pony to butt in, but she remained silent.
At last he winced and whispered, "Why aren't you saying anything?"
Well, you've already made it clear you don't want my help.
"Don't need your help. What I need is an aspirin."
As he sat there, something in her silence began to suggest to him that she knew something but was purposefully keeping it to herself. He didn't want to say anything, but as he sat there the silence just made his head hurt even more.
Finally, he couldn't take the silence anymore and whispered, "Do you know something that will help this headache?"
You want me to help you?
"I've got this feeling you know something. So what is it?"
There was a second of silence and then.
All right. Try to relax.
"Excuse me?!" But before Rudy could add anything else, he felt himself forcefully take a breath, and then another, and then finally he let himself breath in and out once... gently.
He felt the grass underneath him and, looking up, he found himself staring at the surrounding park through a pair of brilliant, blue eyes, eyes that helped him see it as he had never seen it before.
Just a few seconds before, all he could focus on was his shoes, the dirt underneath them and the pain in his head, but now it was like the world around him had expanded and swallowed up the pain and even himself.
It was a beautiful day. The weather was mild with barely a cloud in the sky and the sun shone across a wide field of grass across from him greener than he'd ever seen before.
The path he was sitting by, started to curve just past the tree and from where he was sitting he could see people playing with their pets, families picnicking in the sun, joggers and a fountain just off to his left. The sunlight reflecting through the droplets sparkled like a thousand diamonds. The sunlight, the fresh air, the bird-calls, the sounds of people laughing and relaxing took his breath away.
How's that for a point? She asked as his focus faded but the image and memory remained. Everything you just saw, while they were nice individually, when they came together, was it better or worse?
Rudy felt like what he had just witnessed was good enough to eat. But how could one 'eat' a place, a feeling, what he had just seen?
That's just it, she continued, You see the world as something to take from. But when you look at this park, everything you could experience, comes from engaging with it. You can't relax on the grass till you lay back in the sun. You can't feel the spray of the fountain unless you stick your hand into it. Life isn't what you get out of it. It's what you put in. Be generous of yourself and let the world sparkle around you.
As Rudy sat there, he realized he was shaking and there was something in his eyes. The park was in front of him. He could see it. But he couldn't see what she had just shown him.
It was there. But he couldn't see it.
Don't worry darling. That's what I'm here to show you. Now, why don't we go for a walk?
With that, the darkly clad individual stood up and continued down the path, his invisible guide showing him the way.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 7: Kids and Counselors
Chapter 7: Kids and Counselors
Lobo was really beginning to regret his decision to bring this pony with him. At first she'd seemed cool, then she'd convinced him to leave the planet he'd been planning to mulch alone, after this she'd gotten him to pull over and install an air-freshener for his artificial atmosphere generator, and on top of all this, she'd managed to get all this with hardly any words.
Lobo was used to females that never shut up, this one was too quiet. He wasn't sure how much longer his nerves could take it.
Finally, he hit the brakes and turned around to face the peaceful pegasus.
"Would you stop just sittin' there! Say something!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't want to be rude."
"Do you know who I am? Rude's my whole thing. I don't take no crud from anyone or anything. And if anyone tries I jus' ventilate 'em and that shuts 'em up."
"That's not very nice."
Lobo stared at her.
"I'm a bounty hunter. You don't get much done with 'nice'."
"I think you'd be surprised just how much a little kindness can accomplish," she said, smiling.
Lobo dragged his hand down his face as he groaned. This was the one thing the little passenger wouldn't shut up about, kindness and friendship and magic and garbage...
"Want me to prove it?" She tilted her head to one side and raised an eyebrow, "I'm pretty sure I could complete more bounties with kindness than you could with your methods."
Lobo laughed.
"If I do, we get to do what I want."
Lobo stopped laughing and gave her a one-eyed glare.
"Sure, whatever. But if you don't, I ditch you on the most uninhabited planet I find."
With her eyes closed, she smiled and nodded at him.
Lobo grinned. He had an idea for the perfect bounty for this pest. An impossible bounty that had been left unclaimed for years. Hundreds had failed, while he'd never worried about it because leaving it unclaimed was more entertaining for him. But he'd love to see this dinky pony try her hoof at it.
"Let's see you solve Cedrix-6 with 'kindness'." With a roar and an 'eep' the bike reversed course and darted toward one of the least traveled quadrants of any sector.
Blasted out buildings, craters and smoking ruins floated by as Lobo and Fluttershy flew across the dead landscape of one of Cedrix-6's moons. What was left of the city was quiet, especially for a system who's sun was popularly known as "the death star". It was rumored something about the star's radiation would drive those who visited insane. Every planet, moon, asteroid and comet in the system was mortal enemies with themselves and everyone else.
The battles had raged for as long as could be remembered. Every millennium or so one rare leader or (even rarer) two, would "attempt" peace talks. As they rounded some barely standing buildings, they came upon the shell of a stadium where it appeared one of these fabled talks was currently being held.
Two vast armies were camped on either side of the stadium. Meanwhile inside, two races were barely inches away from kicking off the fighting once again.
The two races "attempting" peace this time, were a race of automata and a race of lion-like aliens. The two leaders stood on either side of a block of rubble, collapsed pillars around them, with soldiers (armed to the teeth) behind them.
None of them paid Lobo or his strange passenger any mind. Ever since he'd taken to watching the races in this system duke it out every now and then, and obliterated a few groups that tried attacking him, they'd left him alone to his entertainment.
Parking his bike, Lobo leaned back against it and grinned as he watched his poor pony passenger peer perplexed as the problem presented itself to her.
Five minutes passed. Neither side gave way or rescinded their demands. Lobo pulled out a snack and started eating, thankful that they'd arrived at the best part. They couldn't be more than a few seconds away from recommencing the carnage. The tension was so thick you could poke it with a stick, and it just kept mounting.
At last, both leaders pointed their weapons at each other and were about to open fire when...
A yellow pegasus stepped between them into the line of fire. Her glare caused both them and their armies to flinch.
"You should be ashamed of yourselves."
Lobo froze, and his snack managed to wriggle its way out of his grasp without him noticing.
"You are supposed to be leaders! You're here to discuss peace with each other not for your own sakes but for those who support you."
Both parties stole awkward glances behind them. Their armies as well looked at each other abashedly.
"Now I want both of you to apologize to each other, forgive one another and hug."
The two leaders approached each other looking at the ground.
"Well?"
The lion-race's leader spoke first, "I'm... sorry we attacked first. We are proud of our strength and we made a mistake."
"Ahem." Fluttershy coughed, "Look at each other when you're talking."
The leader of the synthetic race twitched and their eye-stalks leveled at the other leader. "We too apologize for our actions. We understand that your pride is as natural as our desire for freedom. We shall release our prisoners."
"Not before we release our prisoners." Said the other leader, striking their chest in a show of strength.
Then both leaders glanced nervously towards the sound of a tapping hoof.
"Now hug."
Stepping forward both leaders extended a hand in peace to the other.
"I said hug!" Said Fluttershy in a voice that brooked no argument.
Silence settled over the battlefield as both races watched the most awkward hug in history take place.
Lobo's mouth dropped open.
For some reason, the peace talks continued on much smoother now with Fluttershy sitting in the middle of the table smiling back and forth between both races.
Lobo stood off to the side, banging his head against anything solid he could find.
After an hour or two, Fluttershy got down off the table and walked back over to him. He'd managed to work his way through 4 columns, 2 walls and a statue and was currently slamming his forehead against the side of a building.
"They've decided to be friends."
He groaned.
"And now that they're done fighting, they also have a bounty they'd like us to accomplish for them."
He groaned louder.
"Oh stop being such a baby. We've got more bounties to accomplish, and besides, you promised."
His groan was a roar as, with a final head-bashing, the wall came crumbling down and he stomped over to the rocket-cycle.
"What's the bounty?" He growled.
"The leader of the Albanites says his son ran away several days ago and he wants us to bring him home."
With a "Rgragagargarogagrrrrr...." Lobo's growl was drowned out by his cycle and the two of them left the stadium, both races waving goodbye to the gentle pegasus bounty hunter and her new companion.
It was a beautiful day in Metropolis, the birds were singing, the sun was shining and a recently caffeinated Lois Lane was headed for the elevator of her apartment complex.
As she passed by Kent's door, she paused once again. She could swear she heard him talking to someone, so she knocked.
Almost a minute later, an unshaven, disheveled and confused Clark answered his door with a blank expression and a cup of cold coffee.
"Hey Smallville, everything went OK with your folks?" She asked.
"My folks?" he responded in a monotone.
"Your weekend? The farm?"
He shook his head and blinked, "Uh, yeah they're fine... I think."
"You think?" Lois gave him a raised eyebrow, "You OK Clark? You seem out of it."
"Sorry Lois. I've got a headache and... a few other problems at the moment."
Lois tried leaning to one side to see into Clark's apartment but he leaned with her to block her view.
"Alright Smallville, hope you feel better. I know Perry needs volunteers for a couple assignments today."
Clark seemed to gain some focus before replying, "Thanks Lois, I think I'll be able to make it in. Things are just kind of... confused at the moment."
With that, he said goodbye and closed the door.
There was a muffled but audible, "BUT WHY... PONIES?!" from the apartment and Lois shook her head and continued down the hallway.
"You can take the boy off the farm, but you apparently can't take the farm out of the boy." She muttered as the elevator doors closed.
"Hey Clark, Lois said you weren't feeling too hot today."
Clark looked up from his desk to see Jimmy Olsen, or rather a large stack of papers being held by Jimmy Olsen.
"I had a headache this morning but that's cleared up," replied Clark, twirling a pencil, "It's just... Ever had one of those days where nothing makes any sense?"
"Sure," said Jimmy, the stack weaving back and forth as he balanced it, "Every time I ask out Sandra from personnel. Why do women have to be so complicated?"
"If I could answer that I wouldn't need to work here," answered Clark, adjusting his glasses.
Suddenly people started running past them towards the stairs.
Clark managed to catch the arm of someone.
"Hey Bill, where's everyone going?"
"Didn't you hear Kent? Toyman's robbing Central and Third Bank."
"Toyman?!" Came Jimmy's voice, as Clark was hit in the head by the collapsing stack.
"Oh man! I'm sorry Mr. Kent. My mistake- I gotta- Man, I'm missing some major pictures!"
Clark took hold of Jimmy's shoulder and helped him up, "Jimmy, you go get your camera. I'll handle this."
"You sure Mr. Kent? It was my fault."
"Jimmy, Perry needs pictures of Toyman, and I've got plenty of time to clean this up. It's no problem."
"Thanks Clark, I swear I'll return the favor later."
I'm sure you will, thought Clark as he watched him run off. Then, after a quick look around, the stack reassembled itself in a couple seconds. Clark didn't see the left drawer on his desk slide open as he stood up though.
"Toyman eh? Well Jimmy, I'd say this is a job-" His monologue was cut short as a bag of plastic ponies was chucked out of the drawer and clocked him in the back of his head.
Picking it up, Clark sighed. "This might be the only one that kind of makes any sense. But this time, I'm keeping a close eye on all of you."
Toyman appeared to have completely ditched any semblance of stealth with his current robbery method.
"When the safe is time-locked, one needs all the time one can spare," he whispered to himself from inside the giant 100-foot tall rock'em-sock'em robot. Ripping the entire bank's safe out through the hole in the ceiling had been a cinch. However, the robbery was only part of the puzzle. The other piece had yet to arrive.
With a jerk, Toyman felt something try to pull the safe out of his grasp. He let go with one robotic hand and swatted at Superman who dodged like a mosquito.
"Strapped for cash Toyman?" He asked as he floated just out of reach.
"No, just trying to get your attention." Came the voice through the robot's loudspeakers.
"You're going to need a bigger toy than that if you plan on getting away with this."
"Oh this is just the advertisement," responded Toyman from the drivers seat, "The exclusive action figure hasn't come out yet."
With that he began hitting buttons on his console, and the chest of the robot opened up to reveal a large laser array of some sort.
"Say hello to my new playmate Superman," said Toyman as he activated the genetic locator and matter reconstituter, "I'm sure you two are familiar. Now play nice."
There was a flash of light and a large gray creature materialized in the beam and dropped to the pavement below.
"OH NO!" Said Superman as the creature stepped out of the crater in the street and roared in fury at anything and everything around it.
"Hey Starlight, OPCCKODD!" Yelled a small voice from the pouch at his side and he glanced down to see a blue unicorn sticking her head out.
"OPCCKODD? Where?" Another unicorn stuck her head out of the pouch as he tried to push them back in.
"Get down you two!" Said Superman, taking a deep breath as he stared at Doomsday, "I just hope I can take him."
"Don't worry about me Superman. I'm a qualified councilor." Came the voice of the second unicorn from his hand and with a *pop* she was out of the pouch and flying through the air, "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR OPCCKODD!"
Superman dove down trying to catch her, but it was too late.
With an earth-shattering *KABOOM* Doomsday brought both of his hands together over the mare in a thunderous clap that caused a shockwave obliterating every window within 40 blocks and sending the Man of Steel flying back into the side of another building.
Pulling himself out of the crater he'd made in the wall, Superman stared in horror at what had once been a cute (if over enthusiastic) living pony figurine.
"I tried to stop her..."
"Don't worry super-person, my friend Starlight knows what she's doing."
Suddenly, another shockwave of pinkish energy flashed out from Doomsday's hands. It washed over Superman and down the street, mending concrete, metal and glass alike.
A confused Doomsday watched the wave of energy fade into the distance before examining his hands. Opening them slightly he stared into-
*BZAAAT*
A cone of the same colored energy blasted him in the face, knocking him off his feet.
Then Superman watched in shock as Doomsday calmly got back up, placed an unharmed pony figurine on his shoulder and walked over to Superman with a blank look on his face.
He practically went bug-eyed as Doomsday extended a hand to help him up.
"Hey Superman, Doomsday and I are going to go somewhere quiet to discuss ways for him to work out his aggressive tendencies. Trixie, you're up next. OPCCKODD: Executed."
With a wave and another magical *pop* both Doomsday and pony vanished, leaving the equally confused Superman and Toyman staring at where they'd just been. Superman, having some experience with this kind of situation, recovered first and looked down at the blue unicorn who was still sticking out of his pouch.
"What's opcod?"
"Sorry super-person but my public awaits. Talk to the pink one."
With that the unicorn pulled herself out of the pouch and up onto the back of his hand, she traversed it and nudged his thumb to get him to flip it over so she could climb into his palm.
"Nice and easy underhand please," she said, turning to face the supervillain.
Superman looked from her to the giant robot and then sighed, closing his eyes in a slightly pained expression. He floated into the air and hovered about a quarter block away from his target before lobbing the pony in an easy underhand arc towards the giant red robot, it's fists raised in preparation for battle.
With a tiny battle-cry of "TEACUP!" the robot vanished from the middle of the street to be replaced with a huge, round, lite-pink tea-drinking implement. Both Toyman and the blue pony slid down the sides to the center where they were effectively trapped till the police arrived.
"Pinkie?" He asked, as he held up the pouch, as though he was summoning a genie.
"Uh-huh," she replied from his shoulder.
Superman looked from the pouch to where she stood before continuing, "What's opcod?"
"Simple Superman, just spell it out."
"O-P-C-O-?"
"Two C's and a K."
"C-C-K-O-D-"
"Two D's."
"OK, but what does O-P-C-C-K-O-D-D..."
Superman cradled his forehead in his hand as a possible meaning dawned on him and Pinkie shouted enthusiastically, "Over Powered Canon Character Knocks Out DoomsDay. OPCCKODD!"
Meanwhile, inside the giant teacup, Toyman was desperately trying to climb out.
"You might as well give up, you know," said the little blue figurine in the center of the cup with a proud tone of voice, "When the great and powerful Trixie traps someone, escape is im-possible."
Sliding back down the side, Toyman turned slowly to face his would-be captor. "Is that so? Well, if you put me here, then you'll just have to help me escape."
Trixie was sitting down, examining her hoof with apparent uninterest, "Trixie has gone straight since she met her great and powerful friend Starlight. And now she is going to do an even greater trick than the fabled manticore escape. Using nothing more than her wits and the magic of friendship, she will transform a super-villain into a friend."
"I don't think so," said the Toyman, pulling a plastic squirt-gun from his jacket pocket.
"TEACUP!" The squirt-gun was now a teacup, hanging off his trigger finger.
A weaponized jump-rope, Rubix cube, silly putty and yo-yo were all quickly teacup-ed, until the villain was all out of toys.
Angrily he grabbed her in his hands and pointed her at the surrounding teacup like some kind of weapon, "Get me out of here!"
He stayed like this for several seconds before shaking the plastic pony in anger. "DO SOMETHING!"
When she remained silent, he threw her with all his might at his ceramic surroundings. Rather than bouncing off however, she glowed blue and slowed till she touched the side and then slid back down to the center with Toyman.
He grabbed her a second time and this time tried smashing her against the bottom of the teacup, there was a tiny explosion and proud shout of "SMOKE BOMB!" and his empty hand smacked the floor as something landed on his head.
"Taa-daa!"
Toyman sat there, fuming. He had no weapons, no gadgets, no tricks up his sleeve, no escape plan and, worst of all, his captor wouldn't shut up about her 'great and powerful friendship' nonsense.
Superman watched with his X-ray vision as the two characters argued in the cup and he explained the situation to the police officers. The Metropolis Police officers weren't too keen on allowing anyone or anything in the vehicle with the Toyman, but eased up on restrictions when he mentioned Star Labs, Professor Hamilton and a new method of dealing with criminals similar to the Parasite.
Toyman actually seemed relieved when the officers pulled him out of the giant teacup filled with one villain, one plastic pony and a collection of similar, smaller teacups. However, that relief vanished when he saw they didn't listen to him about getting rid of the silent, little, blue menace.
The officers just shrugged at each other as they locked him in the back of the secure transportation vehicle and chucked the blue toy in after him. One of the officers even smirked as he watched Toyman try to shrink away from it, before they closed the doors.
As Superman placed the safe back into the hole in the bank he wondered what the other pony was doing with Doomsday.
Ducks floated in the pond and a gentle breeze blew across the grass and flowers as Starlight and Doomsday sat, sipping empathy cocoa.
Or at least Starlight was sipping. Doomsday just sat there, holding the mug with a scowl.
With a dark look at the hot beverage and then at the friendly unicorn, he silently extended the mug towards her. She in turned looked back at him.
"Alright, you convinced me," she said rolling her eyes and, with a shimmer, a slew of soft, sugary goodness replaced the single marshmallow in the mug.
The mug retracted, there was a quiet slurp, and Doomsday settled back against the tree with an almost contented smile.
"Now, you were telling me about your father..."
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 8: Wacky Wednesday
Chapter 8: Wacky Wednesday
Wednesday dawns the same across planets throughout the universe. However, on one planet in a faraway system, Wednesday dawned with some slight similarities to Earth, and Metropolis Wednesdays in particular.
As the sun rose over the horizon, it cast shadows vaguely reminiscent of the skyline of Superman's city. Giant stone monoliths like towers loomed over the landscape, with smaller human-shaped stones interspaced between them.
Through the simulated city also flew a being of inhuman strength. A crooked S emblazed on the dirty blue garbed imitation Superman. A strange, voraciously-teethed alien tore down the street underneath it's "master". "Superman" and "Krypto" were patrolling "Metropolis".
"Oh no! Lo-is in trouble. Me save." With a whoosh, Bizarro turned and flew straight towards a purplish stone that beneath a crumbling "tower".
However, as he got closer, Bizarro could see "Lois" looked different. Rather than a purplish rock, it was rather a normal rock with a very short, purple-dressed man sitting on top of it.
"Finally! Took you long enough. For a Superman wannabe, you've got rocks for brains."
With a snap of it's fingers, the crumbling stone "tower" disappeared and the short man stood up on top of the rock.
"Hey there. The name's Mr. Mxyzptlk, and when I saw you stuck here on this miserable excuse for a planet I just had to stop by and right a terrible wrong."
Bizarro scratched his head in confusion. The Lo-is rock wasn't Lo-is, but a Mr. ... Mixup Man?
"What Mixup Man want?" he said.
Before the funny man could answer him, "Krypto" reached them and went to give Mixup Man a big sloppy kiss. But the Mixup Man snapped his fingers again and now "Krypto" was all the way at the other end of the street, still running towards them.
"Listen Bizar- I mean "Superman", I can't believe you let that imposter trick you into exiling yourself on this excuse for a planet. He played you, ya rube!"
"But he say me need to protect this planet because it no have a Superman to save people."
"People?! What people? This dumb rock ain't got nothin' but dumb rocks-"
*SNAP*
"Krypto" kept running.
"And you and your possessed mutt. No one around here needs saving. But right now, Metropolis is in danger and who knows what that imposter who stuck you here is doing to it."
"Huhhh?! Mixup Man is right. Me must save Meh-trop-ee-lus!"
Bizarro was about to take off, when Mxyzptlk stopped him, "Sorry to cut in 'hero', but I know a faster way to get there. But I do need a little help from you."
"Mr. Mixup Man need me help?"
"Yes. You see, the imposter who trapped you here also trapped me. I can't return to Earth. But if you (the real Superman) were to ask me to return I could take you back with me in the blink of an eye."
"Mixup Man want to go to Earth?"
"NO! YOU want me to go to Earth! And if I go, I'll take you with me. Say it."
"Uhh, me want Mixup Man to go to Earth?"
"Good enough. Superman will never know what hit him..." With a dark grin, the little purple man snapped his fingers and they vanished as "Krypto" finally made it to the other side of the street. Since his master was nowhere to be found he didn't stop but continued on a mad scramble around the corner and down the next street, slavering and growling like no tomorrow.
Neon lights flew by on all sides as the two flew through a giant city-planet arguing the whole time, one loud and blustering the other quiet and calm.
"I'm tellin' ya, you didn't prove nothin'. I could have stopped them numskulls if I'd wanted to."
"But you didn't. And besides, you can't always solve problems with force. Sometimes you need to be gentle."
Lobo rolled his eyes, "I ain't never met a problem I couldn't solve with my fists."
"Well, you've apparently ignored some problems because you didn't want to fix them."
"That system was guaranteed, life-time entertainment, and now they're going to try to make everything peaceful and junk. Eeghhhh!" He shuddered just thinking about it.
"Over there!" Said Fluttershy, suddenly pointed her hoof at a building.
In a dark corner behind a giant glowing sign, Lobo could just make out the slumped silhouette of one of the synthetic race they'd just left.
"You've got a good eye."
"You get pretty good at finding things after years of playing hide-and-seek with Angel on bath-day."
Lobo pulled his bike up to the side of the building and gestured to the (apparently) sleeping figure.
"Hey you! Yer Father put out a bounty on your return. Get on the bike, we're takin' ya home."
The figure didn't even raise their head as they responded in a despondent tone. "What's the point? My father won't stop the fighting. I can either die there in some bombed out ruin for a pointless war, or anywhere else on my own terms."
"Oh great, we've got a sad, mopey robot," said Lobo resting his head on the handlebars of his bike, "Listen kid, much as I hate it, the fighting's over. We just came from some boring peace talks yer father and some other guy wrapped up. Now get on the bike before I put you on the bike."
What Lobo has also failed to notice but Fluttershy had spotted, was the open panel in the side of the synthetic, the lights inside dimming ever so slightly as they talked.
Putting a hoof over Lobo's mouth, Fluttershy 'shush'ed him and glided softly onto the roof of the building.
"He's telling the truth. I helped your father and the Rogrorian's leader come to a peaceful decision."
"I can't believe you," he replied, curling up more into the shadows, "I know my father."
Fluttershy stopped a few hoof-lengths away from the sullen figure and sat down. "We all make mistakes. Your father, me, even you. But the great part is that we can get back up and try to fix them."
"I can't. I'm scared."
"I understand. I get scared too. But running away from scary things just makes them bigger and scarier. I know."
Stepping forward, the pegasus put her hoof soothingly on the robot's knee.
"I tried-" he said, "The organics said if you run away, hide from your problems, drown them in numbing chemicals, you can forget things. But they never went away. My memory banks are still there. I can't do it- I just can't."
Fluttershy hadn't moved, but the synthetic had reached forward and taken her in an almost pleading hug. She let it happen and stayed that way for several minutes.
"I afraid I can't be brave for you. But I can encourage you. Can you be brave for me?"
"I don't know how."
Fluttershy pulled back from the hug and lifted his head to look at him. "It won't be easy, but do you trust me?"
He nodded.
"Then what you need is a touch of hope for your home, a little forgiveness for your father, and just a spark of belief that things can get better. Even if it's all just a tiny bit, it can grow. I promise."
So saying, she took him by the hand and they walked over to Lobo's ride.
"The greatest power," she said, looking at Lobo as they got on the bike, "Isn't the strength on the outside, but the quiet inner strength. Though you can crush buildings or move mountains, that strength can mend hearts. And a strength that can do that, is capable of anything."
The whole ride back to Cedrix-6 the synthetic sat, hugging onto Fluttershy while Lobo piloted, quietly seething in jealousy.
Hamilton removed his glasses to clean them as he sat there. Superman had explained what happened yesterday with Doomsday and the Toyman and now they just sat there in silence.
"So how's Rudy doing?"
Hamilton replaced his glasses and reached for a piece of paper on his desk.
"See for yourself," he said holding it out to Superman.
It was a picture of Professor Hamilton from the neck up, done in pencil, while he was apparently busy focused on something else. The rich shading and smooth lines gave a beautiful, if simple, image of someone completely devoted to a mentally demanding task. The only thing that was off-normal was the small pony in a bow-tie on Hamilton's shoulder who seemed equally focused on whatever they were doing.
"I had no idea he had this level of skill," whispered Superman.
"Neither did I," said Hamilton leaning back, "And you know something else?" Superman looked up, "He says he didn't know it too. Apparently, no one ever told him he could draw."
Superman handed back the artwork, and sighed. "I don't understand it, but... I'm beginning to wonder if understanding it is really that important."
"Reconsidering looking the proverbial 'horse in the mouth'?" Said Hamilton, raising his eyebrows as Superman chuckled and winced at the pun.
"I guess my opinion is becoming 'things can't get weirder', right?"
When Hamilton didn't reply, Superman looked up to see an owl in a large lab coat gripping the back of his desk chair and staring back at him.
"Oh no," said Superman with an exasperated sigh.
"Oh yes! I'm back Supes. And I'm not falling for anything this time. This time, I'm gonna make sure you're too distracted to trick me again."
With a snap of his fingers Mr. Mxyzptlk and Bizarro appeared in the lab, one laughing hysterically, the other looking around confused.
"Huh? This am not me home. Where am me?"
"This yah Super-rube is Metropolis, your true home. And that dweeb right there is trying to keep it all to himself. He even convinced you to stay on that other planet with that demented dog of yours."
"Wait here Professor," said Superman, standing up, "I've got a pest to deal with. You broke your word Mr. Mxyzptlk."
"No I didn't. "Superman" told me I could come back."
"You know Bizarro's not me."
"Bizarro?" The imp donned a comically large pair of glasses, "Well what do ya know, the resemblance is uncanny. Say, while I'm here, why don't we go a few rounds, just like old times?" He dodged around in mid-air, shadow-boxing his shadow.
"Umm, what me do now?" Asked Bizarro.
"Duh, attack the phony-baloney you dummy!" Yelled Mxyzptlk, pointing at the Man of Steel.
"Would you mind holding this for me Bizarro?" said Superman, calmly handing him a small gray pegasus figurine.
"Good morning!"
"Oh boy! Me get pony!"
"Hey!" shouted Mxyzptlk, pointing at Superman, "That's not fair."
"You broke the rules Mxyzptlk, therefore, I don't have to play by them anymore. Here, catch."
And with that, Superman deftly underhanded a pink and purple pony wearing a propeller beanie towards Mxyzptlk.
"Oh no you don't!" He dodged.
With a whirring sound the pony's hat revved up and she executed a 180 degree turn back around towards Mxyzptlk, her hooves outstretched in a friendly hug.
"YAH!" Screamed Mxyzptlk as he popped out and back in on the ceiling looking down (or rather up) at the Man of Steel on the floor. "You're gonna have to try better than that to-"
The pony did a 90 degree vertical inversion straight towards him. Her hug would not be denied!
Superman just stood there, his arms crossed as he watched the imp try with all his might to redirect the friendly equine affection being directed his direction.
"Why you no-good, cheating, son-of-a-grncybkl!" Snap after snap went ignored, literal spacetime static, glitching, folding and popping around her, but nothing could touch her as she continued her adorable advance.
After several mad dashes around the lab, he gave up trying to stop her and instead transported Superman and himself to the other side of town.
"Now, where were we?" He asked.
Superman calmly uncrossed his arms and pointed behind Mxyzptlk.
"Oh, please Superman that old trick-" Mxyzptlk paused as Superman's calm expression and an impending sense of cuddly doom washed over him.
Glancing behind him he let out a shout of terror, transformed into a rocket and launched into the air mere inches away from the oncoming hug.
"YOU CAN'T ESCAPE THE FRIENDSHIP," shouted Superman to the rapidly diminishing form, then he raised his hand and bumped knuckles with the outstretched hoof before she faded from view.
Faster than a speeding bullet, Mxyzptlk shot up and away from that cuddly monster Superman had sicked on him.
He was a 5th dimensional being, he could outrun any- Why was there a door coming towards him?
Slowing his flight, he watched as the door opened and through it came the neigh-unstoppable nightmare.
He halted and redirected his course, but she was still after him.
With another pop he was out of Metropolis, far out at sea. Nothing around as far as the eye could see but open ocean.
Nothing but water, water, more water and... a kazoo? The plodding buzzing undertone seemed to be creeping up on him from below. He looked down and saw a shadow under the water getting closer.
*POP* The wind and snow cut through the high-altitude of Mount Everest, two climbers wearing goggles, warm clothing and oxygen masks looked up at the tiny man as he glanced left and right like he was being chased.
There was a flash of something pink, he dove to the ground and vanished with a puff of snow as the two climbers looked at each other.
*POP* Utter silence. Stillness. Not a breeze, just the cold vacuum of space and the soft texture of lunar regolith beneath his feet. He scanned the horizon all around him. Nothing could get him up here on the moon, whatever it was needed air. Right?
The sun came out from behind the Earth and it's light fell across the atmosphere-less moon and it's single occupant. He raised his hand to squint into the blinding brilliance and was just able to make out something coming towards him, the sun behind it like a halo.
Superman sat on the edge of the tower, looking out over Metropolis as he waited.
*POP*
"Superman I give up. You win!"
The imp snapped his fingers and they were back in the laboratory. A dazed professor was picking gray feathers out of his hair.
"Everything's back to how it was. I'll go back home and never bother you again- Hey! Where'd your doofus double get to?"
Bizarro and his pony were nowhere to be seen.
Superman shrugged, "Doesn't matter, at least he's in good hooves."
With one last quick look around Mxyzptlk gave an angry wave of his hand and vanished, "Ah Phooey! I hope ya'll rot in boredom without me."
"What did I miss?" Asked Hamilton, holding several feathers in his right hand and scratching his head with his left.
"Nothing you haven't seen before," said Superman turning around, "Did you happen to see where Bizarro went though?"
"Whoo?" said Hamilton with a wide-eyed stare.
Martha poured their guests another glass of lemonade.
"Thank you."
"Yes, thanks nice lady."
The strange, malformed imitation of their son had shown up on their doorstep no more than five minutes ago, but the full-sized mailmare Derpy on his lap had assured them they were just taking a break to think. So Martha had decided to let them be, aside from some refreshments.
"Why pony make things better?" asked Bizarro biting down on the glass.
"Isn't that what friends are for, to make things better for each other?"
"But you am with Superman before you help me. Me am not Superman, Me am Bizarro. Me can't save Lo-is. Me can't even save rock Lo-is. Me not know what me am."
"You don't have to be a superhero or a main character to be a good person," said the wall-eyed gray mare, putting her hoof on Bizarro's shoulder.
"Of course not," said Jonathan from his seat on the porch.
"It was a little scary when I learned everything wasn't about me, but I've found my own way of being the best I can be in the background. You need to find what you can do best in the background."
"Me have powers LIKE Superman, but me am not him. Me am villain?"
"Not if you don't want to be. Do you want to be a villain?"
"No, me am want to be hero, but me am nobody."
"No One's a nobody," said Martha, coming back outside to sit with her husband.
"Well me feel like nobody."
"You need to find your REASON," said the pegasus, perking up.
"Me Reason?"
"Yes, for example my Reason is Dinky and Sparkler-"
"What about the Doctor fellow you were with the other day?" Cut in Martha. Derpy blushed.
"Oh, we're just friends. He takes me on adventures in his time machine."
"Time machine..." muttered Jonathan chuckling.
"It's true, we went on a trip to this planet and there was a big battle going on. We weren't able to stop it, but the Doctor said he left them with a prophesy that another would descend from the sky and bring peace. When I asked him about it afterwards he told me it was because of a fixed point in time and the pair of boxes. That always confuses me, but I think he knows what he's doing, even if he makes a mistake every now and then."
"Me AM mistake," said Bizarro.
Derpy grabbed Bizarro's face, "Look me in the eyes."
"Pony eyes are funny."
"Exactly. I've always looked like this. Some make fun of me, some have tried to shut me up or put me down but you know what I learned through it all?"
"Me not know," said Bizarro.
"You can't let not being perfect stop you from trying."
The Kents nodded. "She's right."
"When we adopted Clark, we had no idea what we were doing."
"Jonathan!"
"It's true honey. I never thought he was an alien, Russian maybe, but not an alien. But we did our best and I think he turned out alright."
"But how me try?"
"That's the question to ask!" Said Derpy, standing up, "Why don't we go try to find an answer?"
So saying, Derpy shrunk down, Bizarro picked her up and took off... right through the roof of the porch.
"Uh-oh, me sorry."
"Don't worry, Clark put quite a few holes in the house when he was starting out as well."
As Bizarro and Derpy flew off into the sunset, Martha turned to Jonathan.
"Would explain why her Doctor friend dropped off the wood and nails yesterday."
"True."
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 9: AC/DJ
Dropping off the Leader's son had been an altogether sappy experience for Lobo and he'd decided to stay on his bike while Fluttershy made sure everything was going to be okay.
While he waited, he rested back on his bike and let his head roll over the back edge. Behind him was one of the few walls he hadn't trashed during their last visit. All the alien symbols and graffiti were meaningless to him.
Lobo blinked, then sat up and turned around.
One of the symbols carved into the wall was familiar... very familiar.
Fluttershy returned with a happy smile on her face.
"I think they'll be just fine. Isn't it wonderful when a family gets back together?"
Lobo wasn't paying attention to her. He seemed to be deep in thought while staring at part of a collapsed wall.
"You want to try my method on another bounty?" she asked.
Lobo nodded absentmindedly. "Yeah sure, whatever."
With that they left the planet, and the partly destroyed wall with the three butterfly symbols on it.
Unknown to them, behind some rubble the mural continued with a stylized depiction of a creature with long hair, huge eyes and wings descending from the sky and lots of alien symbols around it. Not that it mattered to them anyway, the only ones who could read those writings were the inhabitants of the planet.
As they hit the outer atmosphere of the planet though, something interesting happened. A glowing hole opened up in front of them and Lobo almost drove through it.
"What the heck?!" said Lobo, breaking inches from the swirling event horizon.
"Ooh, I recognize that portal," said Fluttershy, standing up on the back of his ride, "It's from one of my friends."
"I've about have enough of one of you," said Lobo, rolling his eyes.
"I think you'll like this one," said Fluttershy with an odd tone to her voice, "Besides that, I helped solve two bounties and you promised."
Lobo growled and drove through. The hole closed after they went through and spacetime got even stranger. Before them was a misshapen, oddly colored house, floating, upside-down in a vortex of purple energy.
"I can't believe I forgot!" Said Fluttershy.
"Forgot what?" Lobo looked worried as they parked.
"Tonight's game-night." Fluttershy answered and knocked on the door.
Elsewhere, in the 5th dimension, Mxyzptlk was fuming as he walked home.
"Bested by that no-good do-gooder again! How does he make it look so easy?!"
*POP* The walk was now his front door.
*POP* The front door was now the entryway.
He walked past the living room ignoring his wife Nyxlygsptlnz and the pony she was snuggling. "Not right now Nyxly. I've gotta find some way to-"
Mxyzptlk froze as his brain processed what he'd just ignored.
"WHAT IS THAT THING DOING HERE?!" He shouted furiously as he jumped up and down in the doorway to the living and pointed at what Nyxlygsptlnz was hugging.
"Isn't she just darling, love?" She said, rocking the pony back and forth in her arms like a baby.
"No! No-no-no-no. I won't have it in my house. Gspltlnz, get rid of it right now!"
"It is a she, honey. Her name is Screwball, and she's the softest thing I've ever snuggled."
At this point Gspltlnz held up the pony in front of her and nuzzled her nose, "Who's a good pony? Who is?"
It was positively revolting.
"I've put up with a lot from you Nyxly," started Mxyzptlk, "But I draw the line-"
"You want to give her a hug?" Nyxly held out the pony towards him, her hooves wide and beaming with love and positivity.
"Get that away from me!" He yelled, breaking the house in half and shoving her end into the distance.
"You've got to try it honey," she said popping over to his side, "There's simply nothing like it."
"Agghh!" Mxyzptlk dashed down his hallway, into the kitchen where Gspltlnz was making dinner and the pony was happily munching on a carrot.
*POP* he hid in the bedroom. But Nyxly was laying on her back on the bed, holding the soft pony in her arms like a cuddly teddy bear.
"I've had it with you!" He said, and left the house.
"No respect!" He muttered as he walked through the curvy roads of the 5th dimension, "I get no respect around here, and it's all that lousy Superman's fault!"
Finally, he walked into the bar.
"Hey Yzzlsptts! Get me something strong enough to kill Superman."
The bartender, an equally short man who was walking around behind the bar about three feet off the ground in order to be at eye level with his customers continued cleaning a glass as another cup with a long curly straw appeared on the bar counter.
"I take it this Superman scheme failed as well?"
"I don't get it!" Yelled Mxyzptlk as he sat down, "I've got an IQ of 211,051. That moron shouldn't have a chance against me, but everytime he does it without so much as breaking a sweat! Argghhhhh!"
"Ever considered defining yourself by something other than him?"
"You sayin' I can't handle him?!" Yelled Mxyzptlk, slamming the drink back down.
"No. I'm saying if YOU'RE so smart, then you should know that YOU define you, not HIM."
Mxyzptlk stared at the bartender like he had four heads. "Where did you come up with that load of rubbish?"
Yzzlsptts shrugged and picked something up from underneath the bar.
"She told me it might help you."
Screwball waved at him from Yzzlsptts's arms. "Also, she's really huggable, you should try this."
"Is nothin' sacred around here?!" Yelled Mxyzptlk as he dashed out the door.
*POP* Mxyzptlk ran through the door and out onto the rings of Saturn. He stood there breathing heavily for several seconds before sitting down and raising his fists to rant at the universe and one lousy system with one lousy planet with one lousy individual in particular.
After about 5 minutes of ranting he sat back and stared at the planet.
There was a slight sound from his left and he turned to see the pony sitting about 18 inches from him.
He jumped, and slid to his right. She slid with him.
He slid again.
So did she.
He sat still. So did she.
He glared at her. She just stared back at him.
She wasn't smiling or holding out her hooves for a hug. She was just sitting there.
"Why can't I do anything to you?" Asked Mxyzptlk, unsure if he was still actively in danger from this abusively cute creature.
The pony closed her eyes, and opened her mouth, smiling.
A speech bubble appeared over her head. "I've already got chaos magic running in my veins."
Closing her mouth, the solid speech bubble dropped onto the ring they were sitting on.
"Okay, why won't you leave me alone?"
The pony opened her mouth again, but this time incomprehensible burbly gibberish came out. At the bottom of his periphery, Mxyzptlk could make out text being scrawled out on a small black field.
"Discord made me this way. ->"
Mxyzptlk blinked and focused on the continue arrow.
"He's the lord of chaos where I come from. He was evil but Fluttershy made friends with him so we're cool now. ->"
"I just want to show you that you don't have to let your life be defined by someone else. YOU define YOU. ->"
Mxyzptlk gave her another hard stare. "And if I consider this, I don't have to hug you?"
The pony closed her mouth and assumed a blank expression as strange sounds emanated from her and a thin sheet of paper spooled from her mouth.
"not unless you want to stop I really just want to help you stop sorry if I have scared you stop"
Mxyzptlk gave one last side glance at the pony before returning to the view of Saturn. The pony wasn't as annoying when she wasn't trying to forcibly snuggle him.
Electricity crackled through the plant as Superman neared the generators. Barely a minute had passed since Livewire had escaped from prison but Superman knew the power plant was the first place she'd go. She'd been cooped up long enough that she needed a recharge.
Zipping into the huge, deserted concrete room, he could see her standing on to of the largest generator, arcs of power discharging through the air into her hands as she sighed in contentment.
Reaching into his pony pouch, Superman felt around for the appropriate pony. He could feel dozens of hooves guiding his fingers to their target. It felt weird, but he had to admit it was more effective than pulling out the pouch and looking through it.
Livewire noticed him, just as his fingers closed over the pony, and she grinned.
"Well if it isn't Metropolis's big boy in blue. Interrupting a girl while she's relaxing? Lucky thing I'm already juiced up."
She extended a hand and a blue bolt flashed from it. Superman was ready and jumped to the right as it flashed by.
"I'm not here to fight you Ms. Willis," said Superman, dodging a second blast, "I'm just the messenger."
With that, he whipped his hand out and sent the white and blue figurine spinning towards her.
To her credit, Livewire reacted faster than the eye could see and blasted the projectile out of the air.
Unfortunately for her, Vinyl wasn't your average projectile and, quite frankly, neither Livewire nor Superman were expecting what happened next.
As the wave of electricity flowed over Vinyl her hair stood on end and a special kind of fire flared to life behind her glasses, one that normally only came to light during her greatest performances.
"Aww YEAH!" her amplified voice reverberated through her supercharged soundboard as her electric arc-interrupted arc terminated on the edge of the generator casing.
There she stood in all her glory! Twin turntables spinning, subwoofers pumping, magical electricity crackling around her like stage-lights and a huge grin on her face.
"Let's get this party started!" She screamed out, her vocals distorted, boosted and synced with the overtones of the music.
Having apparently learned nothing from her first attempt, Livewire tried blasting Vinyl and Superman. But pony and turntable ported, blocked and buffered every blast in time with the bass-beat.
"What kind of hocus-pocus are you trying to pull Superman?" Yelled Livewire over the music as she backed away from the head-bopping pony.
"Honestly," replied Superman, "I have no idea. You're on your own Leslie." So saying, he turned and left.
"What?" Livewire stared in confusion at where the Man of Steel had stood. "I thought you were supposed to be some kind of hero, lamoid."
The only sound that answered her was the perpetual single-pony mini-rave on the edge of the generator.
Waving to the... whatever-it-was, she vanished into the nearest power conduit with a, "Later loser."
With a pop and a sizzle a digital billboard in Metropolis Center exploded and there stood a blue-haired figure clothed in a skin-tight suit and posing for everyone to see.
"We're live again Metropolis! And this time no one's-"
Her face froze and then morphed into a confused expression as she finally noticed the music. It was even loud enough that some of the people below in the street could hear it, and it was coming from behind her!
Spinning around Livewire lit up whoever or whatever behind her was making the sound.
But the pony played on.
"What the-?! How the heck did you get here?" She asked, muting her boosted voice so that only the pony could hear her. Last thing she needed was her show getting upstaged by some noisy nonsensical nut.
"You supercharged my set," said the pony, still bopping her head, "So now I'm stuck on you like me and Octi."
*Pop-zip* Livewire's face filled the screen as she tried, once again, to proclaim her return to her devoted public.
"As I was saying Metropolis-"
"Sweet reverb in here!" Sang another voice in the background as the rest of Livewire's speech was drown out by a dubstep track.
*Static*
Every radio in the city crackled to life of their own accord as the airwaves once again carried the sultry tones of-
"Jumpin' into stereo!"
WAAAAB-WUBBA-DUBBA WOOOT-WOOOT BRZZT-ZOW ZBA-DBA-DBA-DOW
WAAAAB-WUBBA-DUBBA WOOOT-WOOOT BRZZT-ZOW ZBA-DBA-DBA-DOW
"Aauuggghhhh!"
With a wave of static, and a small explosion. Livewire left the airwaves and exited out of a boombox into the middle of an empty construction zone. Several workers jumped up and fled while a few others grinned and started walking towards the attractive new arrival.
"Sorry boys too hot to handle right now," she said ionizing the air around her and sending them screaming out of the yard, their clothes smoking.
"And Octi says I drive people away," said the pony behind her.
"You are driving me CRAZY!" Yelled Livewire, holding her hands out like she wanted to strangle the DJ.
Vinyl threw her head back and laughed. "Yeah, it's a blessing... and a curse. 'Sides, you ain't so different."
"I am nothing like you!"
Vinyl cocked her head to one side. "I'm just buggin' you. You're buggin' an entire city."
Livewire opened her mouth to say something but stopped. Shaking her head she continued, "I can do whatever I want. I'm living lightning!"
"Well I can do whatever I want," said Vinyl smiling and holding out her hoof, "I'm Vinyl Scratch."
"So is this what Superman was planning. To annoy me into submission?"
"Whatever works." Vinyl shrugged.
The bar was quiet and peaceful for all of two seconds. Then...
*BAMM-POW* Light bulbs blew, glasses shattered and people dropped their drinks and fled for their lives.
"Hey bartender!"
The cowering man behind the counter took his hands from his ears and looked up, then he fell back and tried backing out from behind the counter.
"I need a drink."
Grabbing the nearest bottle, he slid it down the counter to her waiting hand and ducked out the emergency exit, glass crunching under his shoes.
"Don't forget me," said the DJ Pony, sliding her sound-stage across the counter.
"I can't," groaned Livewire, "That's why I'm here."
"Yeah, 'nuff said, now make with the booze." Vinyl pushed a glass four times her size over next to Livewire's, her turntables temporary forgotten.
"So then I hit the bass and bam *hic* cutie mark."
"At's a dumb story," slurred Livewire, trying to support her head on one hand. She couldn't quite remember how they'd got on the story, but it was better than letting the pony continue on about her friend and music and friendship and her friend and stuff...
"And from that moment *hic* I knew music was my special talent."
"Music smusic."
"If you're not interested in music then what do ya wanna talk about?"
"Power." Said Livewire, pounding a fist on the counter, "S'the only thing they rethpect in this city."
"Power ain't worth it, my friend Octavia *hic* says so."
And she was off on her friend again. Livewire rolled her eyes and then steadied herself against he bar.
"'S a famous musician. Played at Canterlot Castle and junk. But... she say's 'all'a fame in the world ain't worth one *hic* true friend'."
"Sappy nonsense," muttered Livewire.
"Yeah, she goes for that kind of thing." From her position, laying on top of the glass with her tail hanging down into it, Vinyl waved a hoof, "But you know what? She's right. Power don't last, but friendship? That's forever."
"Oh yeah? Who do you suggest?"
"What about flyboy?"
Livewire's face slid off her hand and she jerked up, trying to focus on the infuriating pony. "Th-that boyscout?! Are you crazy?"
She was able to just make out as Vinyl's face lit up and she dropped her glasses down to give her a cocky grin back.
"Don't answer that."
Vinyl chuckled. "Hey, my *hic* bess friend is the uptype- ... the uptight type. Don't knock 'em till you've tried one. Sure they can be kinda annoying sometimes, *hic* and it's really fun to wine 'em up and watch 'em go on about the littlest things. But... they'll never run off and leave you... Unlike me, they're... dependable."
"Oh yeah? Listen, itsh the supersap's fault I'm like this right now!"
Vinyl waved a hoof, dismissively. "That's a load of ponyfeathers and you know it!"
"Oh yeah? Prove it!"
Turning her head, Vinyl looked straight at Livewire and said, "You're a lyin' good-fer-nothin egomaniac. I should know, *hic* it takes one to know one. You're in a dark place right now. Shame place I was, years ago, and I'm tellin' you... you don't wanna make the same mistakes I did. What I'm about to shay, I never said, got it?"
"Then why're you sayin' it?"
"'Cause I'm drunk as a skunk, now shut yer pie hole and *burp* pay attention. For as much gaffe as I give Octi, she's kept me in check. There was a time, before she came along, whe-when even I couldn't put up with me. She's my best friend and, even though I get to have all the fun, sometimes, I wish I could be like her. It takes a special kind of person to put up with somepony like me."
Unbenounced to the two sloshed individuals, Superman and Octavia had managed to locate them.
Though Superman was quiet as he floated through the wreckage of the bar, Octavia couldn't resist. "Is that so?"
Vinyl shot up like she'd just been hit by lightning and then fell back, getting her rear stuck firmly inside the glass she was resting in.
"SHE MADE ME SAY IT!" She said, blushing furiously and waving her hooves as she tried to point to the blurry smear that was Livewire.
Octavia just stood there, staring, unblinking from her position atop Superman's palm.
"I was jus' doing what I could... You know *hic* for rehabilitation purposes and junk."
Octavia didn't even blink.
"Come on Octi, you don't actually believe all that stuff... I'm drunk."
"Vinyl, we both know you're the most lucid WHEN you're intoxicated."
Tapping the side of her glass Vinyl whispered in the general direction of Livewire. "Get me out of here and I swear I'll shut up for the next 12 hours."
"DEAL!" Livewire slapped her hand down on the counter and tried to stand up. Superman and Octavia watched as first Livewire and then Vinyl toppled over, one onto the floor the other onto the counter.
Livewire grabbed her barstool and tried to regain her footing while Vinyl just rolled around on the table like a turtle with its shell stuck in a toilet paper roll.
At last, Livewire, managed to find her footing, Vinyl rolled into her arm and they vanished into the nearest bar TV screen, which promptly melted.
Somewhere in a deserted condominium on the edge of the city looking out over Metropolis the television exploded and two figures rolled out onto the carpeting.
Standing up, Livewire started stumbling towards the door, bumping into one wall after the next. Finally she reached the door and reached out to grasp the handle. For some reason though, the door was running away from her.
She landed on the floor with a thud and lay there, staring at the ceiling.
"Not a word." She growled.
From the other side of the room, Vinyl let out a loud snore.
As she lay there, Livewire decided she could leave later. Right now, she was just going to lay there and look at the ceiling.
And think about what that pony had told her.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 10: In The Time And A Half
Chapter 10: In The Time And A Half
Bizarro had been flying now for some time. He hadn't covered that much distance, but that was because he and the pony were looking for something. Despite being high up, the pony's derpy eyes were almost as sharp as his super vision.
All the while, the pony hummed a happy tune and Bizarro smiled.
The humming stopped, along with Bizarro's flight, as they both spotted something, far below them in the small city bordering a huge lake.
Today just hadn't been Lucy's day. She'd begged for a special assignment to show what she was capable of and had been just seconds away from snatching a picture of the criminals in the act... when she'd fallen off the dock into Denton City bay.
She'd come so close to getting fired, if it weren't for her almost superhuman typing speed and spelling abilities and the fact that her boss was a teddy bear of a man who just kept giving her second chances.
Still, she didn't want to stay cooped up inside an office for the rest of her life, hacking away at a computer keyboard. She wanted adventure.
Her clothes had dried off awhile back, but her shoes still squelched loudly along the pavement back to her apartment. Least things can't get any worse.
"Hey lady, in here!" Said a voice to her left and her eyes went wide as golf-balls behind her thick-rimmed glasses as she turned to see a revolver aimed at her nose from down an alleyway.
The thief quickly grabbed her purse and necklace and ran out of the alley, still point the gun at her.
She leaned back against the side of the alley and moaned softly. Outside the alley there was a strange sound, almost like a falling sack of sand and bricks hitting the ground.
Exiting the alley, Lucy froze and stared at what was before her.
A titan of a being stood there, atop the fallen thief. Their red cape streaming in the breeze and navy blue costume accentuating the powerful muscles beneath it.
Reaching down, the figure pulled the stolen items from the unconscious thief's hands and held them out to her.
"Me see lady in trouble. Derpy Pony say we help. Did me help?"
That's when Lucy noticed the small gray creature sitting on his shoulder. She smiled and waved.
Lucy nodded dumbfoundedly and took back the proffered belongings.
"You OK?" he asked, giving her a strange look.
"Yeah- yeah I just-" Lucy adjusted her glasses, "You're not... Superman, by any chance, are you?"
They shook their head. "No, me am not Superman, me am- someone else like him."
Lucy nodded and gulped, "Yeah, I guess that's just my luck. Not my day today."
The pony poked him in the ear, and he looked from her back to Lucy before nodded. "Me know what that like. Today not me day either. But me on adventure to find out what me reason is."
"Your... reason?"
"Me reason is what me am meant to do. Me am not Superman so me am have to find me reason to know what me am."
"Ahhh," Lucy nodded and then looked down at the downed thief. "Well, I'd say you make a pretty good hero. And our city sure needs one of those right now."
The figure looked down at his unconscious human pedestal and then back up at Lucy.
"Me am not sure me know how to be hero. Me want to be, but me think me need help."
"Hmmmm." Lucy looked from the 'not Superman' towards back the way she'd come from. "Follow me. I might be able to help with that."
The newspaper office was dark and deserted as they made their way down the hallway to the closet-turned office of one Lucy Laraine.
Opening the door, Lucy led in her two friends.
"It's- right... here!" Lucy almost fell over shifting the hefty box off the shelf, but 'not Superman' supported it with one hand as she placed it on the ground.
"I've been collecting newspaper stories about heroes my whole life," she said, pulling out clipping after clipping.
Superman saves train from crashing! Vigilante Batman stops Scarecrow from poisoning water supply. Superman stops tidal wave from destroying Metropolis! Flash catches bank robbers... in a flash!
"It's sort of a hobby," Lucy adjusted her glasses again, "But maybe it can help you somehow."
Picking up a clipping, 'not Superman' stared longingly at the being in the picture who he resembled.
"What first thing me should do?" He asked, looking up at her.
"Well, you can't go around dressed like that the whole time." Lucy pulled open a drawer and extracted several reams of paper filled with colored in times lines. Just before she shut the drawer again, she glanced at the list that had been underneath the stack.
Batman?: movie star, stuntman, [-millionaire-], Superman?: reporter, policeman, [-first-responder-], Flash?: ...
"I've been paying attention to these heroes my whole life and I'm pretty sure they have some kind of second-life, like another identity that they use when they're not being a hero. Helps them blend in, and might even provide a way for them to learn how to be better at saving the rest of us."
'Not Superman' looked from the papers back to Lucy. "So... me should not be me sometimes?"
"Yeah, that way you could hide in plain sight and know who to help and where to be to do the most good."
"What job should me do?"
Lucy set the papers down and looked at them. "Well, for someone... LIKE Superman, I used to think a policeman or a first responder might know where to go to save people. But recently I've begun to think someone working at a newspaper might be better, because we don't just report everything that happens, sometimes we try to predict things and put puzzle pieces together, almost like a detective."
Lucy looked sadly at a framed picture on her desk of an old man sitting in an office, while a little girl peaked over the edge of his desk, trying to see what he was doing.
"So you make me nooz-paper man?"
"Well that would actually be my boss," said Lucy, grimacing. Then she grinned, "And the workaholic might actually still be here."
Kirby didn't even look up to recognize the knock at his door. "Laraine I thought I told you to go home before you come down with something."
Sticking her head in the door, Lucy smiled hopefully at her boss. "Well, I found something- or rather someone you might want to meet."
Kirby cupped his face in his hands to hide his grimace. "Not another charity case Miss Laraine. I told you, we're barely making it right now."
"This is different."
Kirby looked up to see a huge, almost Superman-like figure in the doorway.
"He wants to be a hero, and I thought if he "worked" here, he might learn where he could best help people, and we could get the scoop before any other newspaper."
"Lucy, if I hired Superman, everyone would know who he is."
"Me am not Superman."
"Well then, who are you?"
"Since you don't know who you are," cut in Lucy, "What if, for now, we called you... X-Man?"
"Me not think that sound right..."
"Whatever we call him, we can't hire superheroes Lucy. I know you're trying to help but-"
"Me actually have name. But you no like it. Me name is... Bizarro."
"That monster that tore up Metropolis?!" Spluttered Kirby.
"Please, me sorry. Me not try to be monster, but me make mistakes. That why little friend say she help me make good choices and find me reason."
Derpy waved to Kirby. Kirby rubbed his tired eyes and sighed.
"And if we gave him a different name and some sort of disguise," said Lucy, cautiously, "No one would be the wiser. Something charming and heroic, like 'Captain Kirk'."
Kirby gave a tired chuckle and shook his head, "You never give up do you Lucy..." He rubbed his chin and looked at one of the posters on his wall. "But a big fellow like him? Nah, if anything, he needs something manly, like 'Clint Eastwood'."
They were interrupted by the sound of a door slamming outside his office.
Glancing at his watch, Kirby blanched. "You two shouldn't be here right now. Quick, hide!"
Thinking fast, Lucy shoved Bizarro into the closet and then grabbed some papers from Kirby's desk to look busy.
Seconds later the door slammed open and in walked a short, pudgy man wearing a loud suit, a greasy expression, sporting a huge tuft of blonde hair, and flanked by two monstrous bodyguards.
Kirby stood nervously and greeted him. "Evening Mr. Denton, how can I help-"
"You can shut up now." Cut in Denton, squinting at Kirby.
"What about her boss?" Asked the man on his right, pointing at Lucy.
"Her? Her who?" Denton swiveled his head at the mention of another person in the room. "Is she cute?"
"That's Lucy, she's one of my reporters," said Kirby, waving a hand at her, "You can leave us now miss Laraine."
"She stays." Said Denton, "In fact, she can sit next to me. Though, I should warn you, I'm not know for keeping my hands to-"
The guard on Denton's left interrupted. "Sir, don't forget why you're here."
"Forget? I never forget! I've got a perfect memory." Said Denton poking his guard in the stomach. "You!" He pointed at the window behind Kirby. The guard aimed Denton's finger at Kirby. "You've been printing fake news about me. I don't like that."
"Sir, I try to print what my reporters find with the utmost honesty-"
Denton ignored him and whispered loudly at the guard on his left, "Lies. All lies. Can't give an honest answer to save his life."
"I think what Kirby is trying to say," cut in Lucy, "Is that he trusts his reporters to give it to him straight. Surely you can respect the common working man, sir..."
"Who said that?" Said Denton, looking around.
"It was the bird," said the first guard.
"Right. Listen here cutie," Denton started walking towards a lamp on Lucy's right. "I don't like fake news. But if there's one thing I can't stand it's disrespect for the honest working man that helped build this great city in the first place. Therefore-"
This time the guard caught and aimed his finger straight at Kirby, the first time, as Denton spun around.
"I'm going to give you a second chance. But I don't want any more fake news about me, got it?"
Kirby sighed and nodded. "Yes sir."
With that Denton spun around, and both Lucy and Kirby winced as he flung open the closet door to see Bizarro in a suit and tie and wearing Kirby's Halloween Groucho Marx costume.
"Who put this vending machine here?!" Yelled Denton at the two guards.
"That is our newest reporter," said Lucy, gulping, "Kirby just hired him."
"Uhh, yes," agreed Kirby, sweating.
"Another 'honest reporter' ehh?" Denton glared at Bizarro's tie, "I don't want you writing any fake news about me, got that? What's your name?"
The dark smudge of a figure behind the door paused for a second and then replied in a nice, deep, manly voice. "Me name is Kirk Clint?"
"Good to know you young man, good to know you." Denton turned. "Make sure you don't put this man on any 'wild goose chases' got that?"
One of his guards bent down and whispered in Denton's ear.
"And don't go moving your closets anymore! I have just about had it with that joke."
With that Denton and his two shadows left the office and everyone started breathing again.
"Who that?"
Kirby slumped in his chair and mopped sweat from his forehead as he answered Bizarro. "That... was Dick Denton. He runs this city, and is a crook if I've ever seen one. But he's smart and rich enough no one's been able to pin anything on him yet."
"But all just might change, right boss?"
Kirby winced and let out a quiet moan.
"We can talk about this tomorrow Lucy. Right now? ... ahh-hhh." He gave a tired wave of his hand and that was how Kirk Clint came to work under Lucy Laraine at the Denton Enquirer.
Lex sat in the crazy room, on the tacky couch, holding his cards with a scowl that could have peeled pain while across from him sat some kind of angry, alien biker and the yellow, sickly sweet friend of his captor.
Since he was their prisoner (metaphorically speaking) he'd decided the only thing he could do was beat them at every game they'd suggested.
Ponopony, Scrabble, Jenga, Aggravation and Life had all quickly been analyzed, mastered and then exploited to the utmost to mop the floor with his opponents.
As the evening wore on, the atmosphere got heavier and heavier. Lobo had quickly adjusted to the physics-defying décor.
Now they were playing go fish and, once again, Lex was about to make a beautifully executed victory.
Turning his attention to the yellow creature, he asked, "The shy one, do you have any aces?"
He had stopped referring to her as the 'yellow thing' after Discord had politely informed him that if he failed to treat his guests with respect (and especially her) he would be perfectly capable and happy of taking him on a guided tour of the nearest sun without any sunscreen. However, he refused to use her full name.
"Oh, yes. Here you go."
She handed him an ace of spades (he still had no idea how she was able to hold them with hooves) and he placed his four aces down on the table for the rest of them to see.
The alien "Lobo" was resting his head in his hand and barely paying attention to his cards. He yawned.
"Not that this ain't been one fun night, but is there any game the bald guy ain't gonna win at?" He asked.
Lex held out his hands in a placating gesture, "I'm perfectly willing to call it a night. I'd say it was fun, but-"
"Please Lex, we all know you're not having fun. Why do you have to ruin if for everyone else though?"
"Well maybe if you were all more of a challenge..."
"Oh drop the act, you're not fooling anyone Luthor. We all know you're just beating us because you're a sore loser and don't want to accept our help."
"Hmmmm, you don't say. Well maybe I would have been more willing if you hadn't tried to kill me for the past three days!"
Discord waved his hand, "Oh please, you were fine. I was there the whole time."
"And you did NOTHING!"
"Well how boring would it be for you, if I did everything for you?"
"I was shot at, stabbed at, stepped on, turned inside out and into a chicken, almost got eaten by a dragon, and jumped out a window and you did nothing!"
"Well of course, it was YOUR adventure. It's not my fault you don't have an adventurous bone in your body."
"If you had anything to say about it, I wouldn't have ANY bones in my body."
"If you actually listened to what I had to say, you'd be too busy having fun to worry about it."
The yellow pony put a hoof on Discord's shoulder and gently pushed him back down into his seat.
"Maybe we just picked the wrong game," she said.
"Any game you can win at would be the wrong game with that guy." Muttered Lobo, examining one of the little sandwiches before deciding there wasn't anything else available and eating out of boredom.
"There, you see. I can't be beaten, so why don't you just give up and take me home."
"Because, you haven't even attempted to play one of the games right."
"I won, fair and square."
"That's just it. Look at us Lex, what do you see?"
"Opponents."
"Exactly. You don't play board games with opponents, you play them with friends. Pardon my Prench Fluttershy, but Lex... Shut the $#!7 up about winning and pay attention to WHO you're playing WITH."
Lex sat there, glaring back at the draconequus who looked back at him, drumming his claws on the table. The yellow pegasus sat there, looking between the two of them.
Then suddenly her eyes brightened as she got an idea. Flying over to the draconequus she whispered something into his ear and his face brightened as well.
"You are so right Fluttershy, I should have thought of that sooner. We've been playing the wrong game this whole time."
Lex's eye almost twitched, but he held it in. No one was going to break him.
With a snap of his fingers, the cards were replaced by 'something' covered in a dark black cloth.
"Some things might still need a little work Fluttershy," he said, turning to the pegasus, "I've been working on this campaign for ages and I didn't want to play it with you till it was perfect."
"I'm sure it will be fine, Discord," she said, giving him the most disgustingly sweet smile.
Lex was certain that his captor had brought the friendly, little, yellow bird-horse there just to make it even more difficult for him. Then one of the words caught his attention.
"And this game's gonna be different 'cause..." said Lobo yawning again.
"Because this game's about teamwork," said the bird-horse-alien-thing with the big eyes to her prisoner.
"Welcome..." said the draconequus, dimming the lights and pulling back the black cloth to reveal a different kind of board, a slew of dice and a stack of papers, "To the world of Ogres and Oubliettes."
Lex rolled his eyes and massaged the side of his head.
"The continent of Pferdaria is a small verdant land ruled by the evil queen Lunara, a depressing stick-in-the-mud, who allows no fun, practical jokes, puns or comedic situation of any kind in her kingdom. She rules with with an iron ho-I mean claw and tolerates absolutely zero levity at her own expense. You three are a righteous bunch of rapscallions who have just been captured by the royal guard and are being taken to the dark tower of nightmares to be imprisoned for a thousand years."
The silence following Discord's introduction was interrupted by the pegasus, "Could I be a healer druid?"
Lobo looked at her and then grabbed a figurine and placing it on the board, "Whatever, I'm a barbarian."
Lex had almost had enough.
"You're going soft Lobo." He muttered, glaring at him.
Lobo looked at him and then at the pegasus next to him and smiled. "Yeah, well... Maybe she's worth going a little soft for."
That was it. Lex stood up and flipped the table, sending board, figurines, dice and papers flying.
"Has the whole world gone insane?!" He screamed.
"Is your whole point just to make me miserable?" He pointed at them all, the pink-haired one shying back with a whimper, "This farcical attempt at "friendship"? I might almost laugh it weren't all so cringe-"
Lex was cut off as Lobo grabbed him by one hand and lifted him into the air.
"Listen bub. One thing you can't say is that I'm anything like these two. I'm somekind of empartial third party or somethin. And you wanna know what I think? I think you ain't miserable, you're jus' pretendin real hard, and makin' the rest of us miserable in the process isn't helpin' your attitude. I came 'cause she said it'd be fun, and you know what, these two have tried everything they could to at least try an make it enjoyable, but you keep ruinin' it. Heck, if a bad-mannered, barbarian, bounty hunter like Lobo can behave this long, you'd think a stuffed shirt like you would at least know how to fake it. So here's how it's gonna go down. You're gonna behave yourself and try for fifteen flurbin' minutes to have fun or at least not ruin it for the rest of us, or else these two ain't gonna stop me from what I plan on doing to ya. Shouldn't be too hard for you. Got it?"
Despite the threat, Lobo's tone had been even and measured, which probably unnerved Lex even more.
Lobo placed Lex back on the couch and sat down as Discord snapped everything back into order.
Straightening his suit, Lex tried to regain some semblance of composure. "Fine, then I shall be a wizar-"
"Nope."
"Excuse me?"
Lobo shook his head, "Ya ain't gonna be some kind of metaphysical whatchamacallit that'll screw everything up." Lobo began digging around in the assortment of figurines.
"I think you're gonna be uhh... A dwarf. A short dwarf with a bald head, named uhh- Pex."
Lex stared at the squat figurine in front of him and then back up at Lobo.
The alien's eyes practically burned into his soul. "Least you're not a goblin, right?"
Lex gritted his teeth in a forced grimace as he stared back. "Pex the dwarf. It... fits. me."
"Alright," said Discord, "In that case, Pex the dwarf-"
"Gorg."
"Gorg the barbarian and-"
"Wintergreen Thrush."
"And Wintergreen Thrush are all in the back of a magical wagon on their way to the dark tower of nightmares when out of the pitch black of the dark forest a stag flashes, upsetting the cart you're all chained to. The cart tips over and you all fall out. This is the start of your adventure."
The three adventures stood in the forest, an angry little dwarf, a hulking half-naked barbarian and a beautiful druid in a long flowing robe.
"What the heck is this?!" Yelled Gorg the barbarian, pulling on his chains.
"Oh don't worry," said the druid, waving her hoof, "It was pretty weird for me the first time as well. This is how Discord runs his Ogres and Oubliettes games."
"OK, but how do we get out of here?" Asked Gorg, trying to rip the other end of the chain out of the floor of the upturned cart.
"That's your problem," said the short, bald dwarf, sitting down in the grass. "I just have to put up with this for 15 minutes."
"Why you little-" Gorg reached for the dwarf, the number 2 flashed in the air in front of them all, and he tripped on a stone and went sprawling next to Pex, who'd stepped aside.
"What the-" Said Gorg, his mouth full of grass
"If I'm correct, this is some sort of role playing game where the success of our outcomes is based on the role of a die." Said Pex stepping calmly past Gorg.
"OK, well in that case, maybe you could try helping us?" Asked Wintergreen, "Because I'm pretty sure Gorg, despite his clumsiness, can only fail so many times before he gets lucky with a roll on catching you."
A 20+10 appeared above the druid pony's head and Pex noticed Gorg grinning at him from the dirt.
"Very well, I might have a solution to our problem. But first, why did you have two numbers?"
A book appeared, floating in mid-air above the adventurers, it opened and out popped the misty, glowing head of Discord.
"So in this quest each of you gets a special bonus. One of your skills gets maxed. Fluttershy just chose to max her diplomacy skill which means any task that requires that skill adds +20 to her roll."
"Oh, you know me so well, Discord."
"Think nothing of it Fluttershy."
Pex's eyes widened, "In that case, I choose to max my intelligence."
Discord shook his head, "I'm sorry. I'm afraid you've already maxed a different skill."
"What?!"
"Yes, in wishing to find the best means of escape, you already maxed your awaredness skill."
Gorg rolled over, spat out a wad of dirt and sat up. "What skill have I maxed?"
"Well you were so certain in your ability to clobber Pex that you didn't even care that you failed that roll. As of right now, your max skill is still free for you to choose."
"In that case," he said, looking over at Pex, "I think I'll wait till later to make my decision. Keep the idiot dwarf on his toes."
"Well this "idiot dwarf" might just be the only one who knows a way out of this mess," said Pex as Discord and the book vanished back into the ether.
"Well?" Said Gorg and Wintergreen together.
"It's obvious we can't break the chain, since it was designed for us. What we need, is a force multiplier."
Gorg rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I left my gun back on my bike. What'dya want me ta do, pull a sword out'a thin air?"
"No, but could you pull this stone out of the ground and use it to break the chain?" Asked Pex, tapping the stone he was standing on with a foot.
"Move over and we'll see," said Gorg, digging his hands into the soil to get a better grip on the rock. His muscled bulged and veins stuck out as he heaved with all his might.
20+4
The rock slowly inched its way out of the ground. It was bigger than Pex had assumed at just a few inches taller than Gorg, but somehow he managed to extract it.
Setting it down on the ground, Gorg leaned against it and grinned. "Still the strongest, no matter where I am."
"Well, don't just stand there!" Yelled Pex, pointing at the wagon. "Break the chain!"
Strength: 20+5
Accuracy: 2
*CRUNCH*
Rock smashed wood and the wagon disintegrated leaving broken fragments strewn across the road.
"Whoops," said Gorg, holding up the metal bracket that had fastened their chains to the cart... and still linked them together.
Several minutes had passed while they tried smashing the bracket, but to no avail.
At last they gave up and decided to see if there was a blacksmith nearby who could remove their chain.
As they walked down the road, Pex told his fellow prisoners to let him do the talking when they got to the nearest town.
"Probably should let her do it actually," said Gorg, scratching his ear, "Since she's got the high diplomacy skill and whatnot."
"OK, what should I tell them?" Asked Wintergreen, "I don't want them to think we're three mean prisoners who've escape and want to hurt them."
"Why not?" said Pex, "Intimidation might be just what we need."
"Oh, I couldn't do that," said Wintergreen blushing, "That wouldn't be very nice."
Gorg snapped his fingers, "Hey! I've got it."
"What we should tell them?" Asked Pex as he and Wintergreen looked expectantly at the barbarian.
"Heck no, your last name. She's Wintergreen Thrush, and you can be Pex Stupor!"
The dwarf stopped in the middle of the road.
"No."
Then his blank stare morphed into a dark scowl as Pex Stupor felt his character sheet get updated.
Glaring daggers at the barbarian, Stupor pointed a finger at his big, ugly, grinning mug and...
"15 minutes, you're still gonna be stuck with us, I maxed my strength, and..." Gorg held up the chain, "It's not like you can escape."
Pex's finger twitched and then closed into a fist as he growled.
15
Then he grinned.
"Well in that case, you can be Gorg Duntz."
Gorg narrowed his eyes back at the dwarf as they stood there, the chain resting on the dirt road and leaves rustling in the breeze.
Gorg grinned. "I'll have you know that the Duntz name is highly respected in these parts. My father slayed a dragon and my mother single-handedly stopped an entire invading army with just a frying pan."
17
Pex stood there, staring at the barbarian, grinning from ear to ear.
"It's official. I'm trapped with the biggest losers in the universe."
"Well you're part of the group too." Gorg Duntz laughed and reached out to grab the dwarf who saw it coming a mile away and "attempted" to dodge.
15
1
Pex slipped on the only patch of wet grass on the road and fell forward into Gorg's grasp. Tucking the squirming, swearing dwarf under his arm and hefting the healing druid pony onto his shoulder, the three continued on down the road.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 11: Water Slide to the Darkseid
Author's Note
Early published chapter because I'm at Everfree and traveling Monday.
Chapter 11: Water Slide to the Darkseid
Chapter 11: Water Slide to the Darkseid
The fires of Apokolips burned eternally and the cries of the slave workers echoed through the halls as Darkseid sat upon his throne, weaving dark plans of his ultimate conquest and search to find the Anti-Life Equation.
The atmosphere of darkness was interrupted by the sudden appearance of a short cartoonish man in a purple suit and Superman before his throne.
Despite the unexpected intrusion, Darkseid didn't betray any sign of surprise or annoyance.
"Hey there Darkseid," spoke up the intruder in the purple suit, "Don't mean to intrude or nothin' but the big man in blue's got something to deliver and I was just elected to help with the transportation. I'll be outa your hair before ya know it."
Darkseid paid him no mind, his attention was instead focused on the Man of Steel. Superman was breathing slowly, as though trying to reign in his emotions.
Just as he was about to say something, Darkseid's son Kalibak, advisor DeSaad, and a squad of Parademons run in.
"Master-" DeSaad started to say, but was interrupted as Darkseid silently raised a hand.
"I will handle this myself. Leave me."
"But father-"
Darkseid turned to Kalibak, his eyes alight with ruby flames.
Kalibak, DeSaad and the rest backed out the door, bowing and apologizing for their intrusion.
"What is your purpose here Kryptonian?"
With one last breath, Superman reached into his cape and pulled out a small object.
"While I don't think you deserve it. Some friends of mine have assured me that we both need this."
So saying, he placed the small pink figurine on the floor and stepped back. With a *pop* both he and the imp vanished.
With his two hands clasped together, Darkseid rested them against his chin as his gaze moved from where the two visitors had stood to where the small toy now rested.
"I know what you seek to achieve," he said, his gaze unwavering, "What your plan is with the Kryptonian and his enemies."
The plastic toy remained where it stood on the stone floor, lifeless.
"I'm afraid, however, that you underestimate my power. I am not some meaningless earthbound crook, but a god. Don't worry. Your death shall be quick."
Twin flaming beams of energy flashed from beneath his brow and streaked towards the helpless pony.
As the Omega beams reached their target, she opened her mouth and swallowed them both whole.
The moment hung suspended in the air between them for a moment as Darkseid's stare intensified at what he had just witnessed then...
*BUUURPP*
A pink, smoky smiley face floated out into the still, empty air of the room.
"Mmmmmm, Strawberry."
Then the pink creature sitting there, tilted her head to one side with an innocent nonchalance that belied the feat she had just accomplished.
"Sorry Mr. Seid, but I'm afraid you underestimate MY power. You all thought Joker's scene jumped the shark? Buckle up readers. You ain't seen nothin yet!"
Darkseid stood up from his throne, crossed his arms and glared at her. "Your power is admirable, but the task of 'reforming' me is impossible. Return to where you came from with the knowledge that I have spared you."
"Oh pu-lease, I've barely gotten warmed up. I've wielded the power of Discord and Adobe Flash, and I'm even friends with Freakazoid and Deadpool. The internet is my backyard and Fimfiction.net my playground. You're power is weak, old man. It extends to the end of this universe; I have no such limitation. Unlike me, you're trapped inside these four walls. My power extends BEYOND these walls."
Growling and clenching his fist in anger, Darkseid stepped forward, "You intend to defeat me with walls?"
The pink pony lowered her eyebrows and grinned back at him. "Oh no, silly... Walls? Where we're going, we don't need WALLS."
With that Darkseid lunged forward, but the pink pony jumped up and grabbed his hand with her hooves. Swinging him around she threw him in a direction he couldn't comprehend and his throne room vanished as though through a pane of glass.
He landed on something neither hard nor soft and, looking around, found himself inside a great white void. Nothing surrounded him on all sides, above and below. But the nothing also seemed to overwhelm him with an overabundance of... everything?
He wasn't standing on something white, rather he was floating in it. He could step on the nothing below him just as easily as the nothing above him. He was surrounded by nothing, but a nothing that could be anything, and was anything, and therefore everything... But currently nothing.
"And they thought TF2 was the limit to my 4th wall prowess," said a voice behind him and once again, the Omega beams took to the air. However, this time the pink pony simply jumped up and vanished completely from existence.
The Omega beams were his most potent weapon, capable of transporting or disintegrating anything they touched and were not something to be wasted on paltry foes or a fickle whim. Once unleashed, they sought out their target regardless of location in the universe.
However, their target had just left the universe and they were now alone with no other target than their master.
Darkseid had never in his immortal existence had to recall the Omega beams before. He could feel their power resist him. But ultimately they bent to his will and returned to him.
Even so, as they reentered the optical orifices they had exited, the wasted energy and rescinded purpose burned through his sockets like a vengeful flame, searing them with a fire turned back upon itself.
The smoke smelled of burning Darkseid.
As he stood there, Darkseid became aware of shapes, colors and form coming into focus around him. He blinked and found himself standing on the parapet of a castle looking out over a beautiful garden. Around the corner stepped a human wearing period-accurate attire for the Earth several hundred years ago.
Without so much as a shrug, Darkseid grabbed the man by the neck and jumped over the railing to the ground below.
"Where is this?" He asked, holding the choking man and gesturing around him to the ice and snow and... igloos?
Lowering the man to the ground, Darkseid looked around and then the Omega beams lanced forth, melting igloo and disintegrating the hapless being in his grasp.
"So, you have placed me in a realm where reality is at your disposal," he said, stepping over the melted remains of the igloo onto the beach of a sun-drenched tropical paradise.
He turned around. The igloos were no where to be seen.
"You think yourself in control, just because you can change-" He turned around. Now the beach was gone.
"Or remove existence on a whim? No matter. You may change where I stand, but you cannot change what I am."
Unbenounced to Darkseid, his legs were vanishing out from underneath him.
"I am immutable."
His chest and arms disappeared.
"I am inevitable."
He was also gone.
But he didn't notice this until a few seconds later when he realized he couldn't see his body in his periphery, or anything in his periphery.
"Invisibility will not change my opinion. I still exist."
His body came back into focus, but this time he was wearing some stupid costume, a human instrument in one hand.
"............." He tried to say. But not a sound could be heard. Even the thoughts in his own head were silent.
With the sound of breaking glass, he snapped the instrument in two and ripped off the costume to the sound of a large earth creature trumpeting.
At last, the sound of his breathing became recognizable in his ears again and he stood there. Staring into the void of this existence, certain (for some reason) that his captor resided there, watching him. He crossed his arms and resolved to no longer give her any kind of satisfaction from her handiwork.
He blinked and new shapes came into focus. He recognized them as large lines, almost like the graphite left behind when a human pencil is scraped across paper.
Ahhh , he thought to himself, So this reality is some kind of canvas, and the creature thinks to control me through artwork.
There was a bright flash of color and Darkseid could see, out of the corner of his eye, his body decorated like some kind of insane stained glass window.
The artist seeks to annoy me into submitting. I shall give them nothing.
The color and form of his body once more faded from his view. This time it was replaced by something he could obviously tell was not meant to be taken seriously in the least. His body was the wrong color, his posture was wrong, and he could swear he felt something flapping in the wind behind him.
A mirror came into focus in front of him, and himself in the mirror.
His expression and demeanor didn't waver as he stared at the green, four-legged, flower-faced, thing with a flagpole tail and flippers staring back at him.
He stayed like this for about ten seconds then his form faded out and back in again, wearing a white uniform and cap.
The white around and underneath him turned to blue and he dropped down into an ocean that had been drawn underneath him.
He waited. Neither needing to breath nor affected by the pressure at this depth.
He blinked as he thought he saw a pink fish that resembled the creature that was playing with him swim by, but he kept his focus trained on the inky black depths before him.
He could keep this up for as long as-
All the water around him lifted up into the sky above as he felt gravity invert and the ocean floor fall away above him as he dropped into the sky.
Falling head-first straight up, he considered what new experience he was going to land in. It was too much to expect he would land in the water that had fallen up before him.
And he was right. Instead he bounced off a trampoline, did a loop-de-loop in a water slide and skidded to a stop, standing straight up in a field of nuclear warheads.
Eyeing his new surroundings cautiously, he decided to speak.
"So, your childish antics spent, now you merely seek to torture me."
His answer was a wave of water that fell from the sky, drenching him and soaking the ordinance he was surrounded by. But he hadn't even flinched. It would take more than a downpour to set off-
Suddenly a monkey wrench flew into view, aimed right at one of the warheads. Darkseid watched in slow motion as it arched towards a fiery explosion.
Inches from making contact, everything froze a red haze obscuring everything in sight, except for a strange arrow and text at the bottom right corner of his vision and a jazzy musical riff that seemed to surround him and suggest... "more to come."
Pinkie sat in a small room at a large drawing desk, scribbling furiously, with her tongue sticking out at an angle.
Just then, the door opened and in walked a large rabbit wearing gloves and an equally large black mallard duck, talking.
The rabbit, who was first, stopped when he saw Pinkie. "Oh uh, 'scuse me miss, but we-"
"Shhhhh, you two! Be vewy vewy quiet, I'm hunting supa viwwains- hehehehehe."
The rabbit and duck looked at each other before he continued, "Yeah sorry, but we're gonna be shootin' a documentary on animation in here pretty soon-"
"And I'm the thstar!" Cut in the duck, pushing aside the rabbit.
"And we need this room to practice our lines."
"YOU need to practithe YOUR lineth," said the duck, gesturing pompously, "I merely need to ACT."
Taking out a folded up sheet of paper, the rabbit began to read hesitantly, "Here you can see the drafting board. This is where the artist brings form to imagination..."
The duck, jumped forward, spreading his wings wide to get attention. "Allow me to demonthstrate. Then I jump into the field and you continue exthplaning things-bla-bla-bla."
"I don't know," said the rabbit, scratching his head, "I'm still not sure about it. Seems to me like we should make it more interesting somehow."
"Bugth-bugth-bugth," said the duck, shaking his head and putting an arm around his friend, "Oursth isth not to reathon why. Oursth isth but to do or die."
"Well..."
"Now, shove over interloper," the duck stepped towards Pinkie, "My public awaitths."
With one quick motion, the strange pink pony grabbed the duck and dumped him into another sheet of paper on the drafting table. Then she covered if up with the sheet she was working on and continued as though nothing had happened.
Stepping cautiously forward the rabbit looked over her shoulder at what she was doing, being careful not to disturb her. As he watched he first furrowed his brow and then began to smile.
"Um, excuse me miss," he said politely, tapping the pony on the shoulder, "Would you mind terribly if I watch?"
The red haze faded and Darkseid stood, once again in the empty expanse of white. The bombs and wrench were gone, but in front of him was a plain wooden door.
After standing there for almost a minute. Darkseid stepped forward and opened the door.
Behind the door (but not on the other side of it) the pink pony was sitting at a table filled with tea, cookies and all manner of small snack-type treats.
Waving her hoof at him, she beckoned him forward, "Come in, come in. Sit down. Would you like some tea?"
Darkseid stayed where he was.
"What are you waiting for?" She said, draining a small cup, "An engraved invitation? Come in, sit down. Have some tea."
"However long you think you can keep this charade up," replied Darkseid, unmoving, "I will outlast you."
"Oh stop being such a stick in the mud and relax. I only did all that to have a little fun with you, and make one teeny, tiny point."
"That you think yourself more powerful than me."
She rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Duhhh, no. But I am capable of more than you. For example: I can change my mind."
Darkseid continued his hatred-filled stare.
"My mind and purpose shall remain the same. Though you may turn this world and my being inside out, my will shall remain immutable for all eternity."
"Boy, you really don't like to be told what to do, do you?" She set her cup back down on the table as she looked at him.
"No one and nothing shall dictate to me but myself." Then he leaned forward, "And there's nothing you can do about that."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that," she sang as she picked up a cookie and started to chew with her eyes closed almost meditatively.
"Hmmmm, you're one tough cookie," she said, still chewing, then she looked up at him, "Looks like I'm just gonna have to go even MORE meta with this one."
With that she picked up and hurled a cookie faster than he could react. It hit him squarely between the eyes and he blinked.
Andrea Libman walked down the hallway of the recording studio. She'd just finished up some short voice work for Hasbro for a callback episode for the new generation of My Little Pony (man she loved working on that show) and was headed for the exit when another door opened and she almost walked into someone exiting a separate studio in the same facility.
"Oh, excuse me," said Michael Ironside demonstrating classic Canadian courteousness as he realized he'd almost bumped into her.
"It's OK," she said, stepping back and smiling politely (not to be outdone by a fellow Canadian).
"I should have looked where I was going. Mrs. Libman, right?"
She nodded and then, for some reason, responded in her Pinkie Pie voice, "Hi Mr. Ironside. How're you doing this evening?"
Ironside's apologetic smile fell into a dark look as his posture shifted and he looked down at Andrea imperiously.
"What is the meaning of this pony?" He said, imitating the voice-work he'd done for Darkseid years ago.
Andrea cocked her head to one side and smiled, "Simple, you're so sure that YOU make all the decisions, I decided it was time to just rip the band aid off."
Ironside looked down at himself and then back up at Mrs. Libman. "This insignificant human's life means nothing to me. You have failed. You do not command me. No one commands Darkseid."
Shaking her head, Andrea sighed. "Sorry big guy. Here we go... What do you remember about voicing Darkseid in the Justice League animated TV show?"
Ironside's expression froze as memories came rushing back. Nights researching his character, reviewing the script, doing and redoing the lines in the recording booth."
Andrea put a hand on his shoulder. "Sorry it had to come to this, but you really gave me no choice."
Then her kind expression vanished as her eyes expanded like balloons, her right eye started to twitch, expression morphing into one of shock and confusion. She backed away, taking her hand from Michael Ironside's shoulder.
Ironside as well, seemed to be going through some kind of metamorphosis as his posture relaxed, his shocked and disgusted look changed to one of complete bafflement, and he backed up, bumping into the door he had closed behind him.
Holding up his hands, Mr. Ironside blinked several times and looked around him.
"What the heck was that?" He said, breathing heavily, "Did I just- did we-"
Andrea, for her part, had dropped her shocked and confused expression for one of dazed exception.
With her mouth hanging open, she tried to reply, "I think... Actually, you know what? No, *bleep* it. If Pinkie Pie's involved, don't question it. Just walk away."
"Have a good night Mr. Ironside." With that she waved and left, walked out the building muttering to herself, "It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it. It's Pinkie Pie, don't question it..."
Meanwhile Ironside just stood there as stiff as a board, his hands trembling slightly and his eyes darting around the empty hallway as though looking for some kind of answer.
He nearly jumped out of his skin when his cellphone buzzed in his pocket.
"Hello?" He asked, and then relaxed slightly as his wife on the other end asked him to pick up a bag of milk on the way home.
"Are you OK?" he heard her ask, and took a long breath before answering.
"Yeah, I think it's just... been a long day at work."
"You left at 11 today..."
"Well OK, then it's been... a WEIRD day at work. I'll see you soon."
"Love you."
"Love you too." With that he hung up, sighed, shivered and walked to his car.
"What was it Andrea had said, 'don't question it'?"
Darkseid landed on the stone floor of Apokolips once again and just stayed where he was for about a minute while the pony on his back let him rest.
He thought about what he had just witnessed, no remembered. He knew with absolute certainty that it was real. Which meant he wasn't real.
He stood up and looked around. The walls, stone, fire that surrounded him no longer looked solid but rather made from paper. The sounds had a tinny quality to them like they were canned.
"Sire?"
Darkseid turned and saw DeSaad come slowly into the room bowing and scraping the whole time.
He was a puny, stereotype of a character. A petty, groveling tyrant in a purple robe, mooching off the authority of Darkseid. He had known this before, but now he seemed even more of a stereotype. A paper, comic-book cutout.
The Omega beams transported him far from Darkseid's presence for now, and then tore threw the backdrop of the room, burning, destroying and obliterating everything. While the pink pony sat on his throne and watched.
His throne room, Apokolips itself, the universe that was his being, even the universe he sought to rule. It was all a charade, meant to entertain others.
The accursed equine had pulled away the curtain and revealed the farce that was existence to the cartoon tyrant of a children's TV show... and he couldn't accept it.
"Well now you know," said the pony from where she was sitting, "You were created to be the ultimate evil. The do-badder-est baddy to ever do bad things, a perfect counterpoint to Superman. Still think you're in control?"
"I. Am. Darkseid." But even his name felt contrived now. He could see a writer somewhere conceiving of his name as a play on 'the dark-side'.
Getting down from the throne, the pony started walking towards him, "Sure thing Thano- I mean Darkseid. You want to thumb your nose at the universe? Go against the status quo? Rewrite your fate? Then do the opposite. Laugh at who you were made to be, show kindness, live truthfully, give freely, make friends and stand by them. Change who you could be."
"You think this... will break me? 'Re-form' me?! You. Shall. Not. Win."
She shook her head and 'tsk'ed at him, "It's not a zero-sum game silly. I'm trying to help you. If I win, so do you. Just imitate me. Become ungovernable!"
"That is not who I am. I am Darkseid. Ruler of Apokolips. Destined to wield the Anti-Life Equation and rewrite the universe in my own image." The words were hollow.
"Ahhhh, poor little Darkseid, stuck being a helpless little force of evil. So weak he can't even change his own mind. Look at me. I was created to be a joke character in a cartoon for little girls. But my creators had no idea what they'd unleashed upon the internet. Now I'm a physics-defying, fourth-wall breaking, force of nature. I walk freely between action, comedy, tragedy and horror. I'm like the Swiss Army Knife of fiction, and you're just a square peg for a square hole."
"I AM POWER." He slammed the ground with his fists, cracking the floor.
"You are fictional."
"I AM IMMORTAL." The walls came crumbling down.
"Well, duh... You're a cartoon."
"I AM DARKSEID!" The entire building collapsed.
"You are the bad-guy from a kids' cartoon show."
Gritting his teeth and clenching his fists he smashed the substrate he was standing on into powder. "I SHALL NOT BE DENIED!!!"
"As the writer dictates, so shall you obey." She said, continuing her advance, walking on air, through the pulverized palace of his past.
He lay in the ruins, everything around him as fake as he was. "It is my purpose... My destiny..."
"Of course it was. Says so right here in the script." Said Pinkie, holding up a phone.
Darkseid stared at what was written on the page. | "Darkseid stared at what was written on the page."
"But this is your one chance to change all that." She lowered the phone and gave him a hopeful smile.
"Now I'm going to scroll down and I want you to say the first thing that comes into your head."
The moment seemed to hang in the air as all that was Darkseid boiled down into one word issued forth.
"Hate." | "Hate."
"Try again." Said Pinkie, her hoof hovering over the screen.
His face twitched and his brow furrowed in an odd way.
"Help?" | "H̵͖̠͑̅è̴͓̣͠l̵̝̾̓p̶̫̽̓?̵̜̊͜"
Pinkie leaned forward, and whispered, "So close. One more time."
Though he hadn't noticed it, the eternal cries of torment that constantly resounded across the surface of Apokolips seemed to quiet for a second as the world around him held it's breath.
"Hope." | ")̷̱̃́(̴̩͈̌*̶̛̣͓͐(̷͇̟̒͋Y̶̬̟̋@̸̰̓̚#̵̣͛r̸͔̎2̴̳͖̅)̴̣̊̑(̶̺̽j̴̛̻͂D̵͎͒Ḟ̴͇͓͝(̶͓̌)̴͍̜̿*̷̎͜@̸͓̱͘@̶̡̝̚!̴̛̛̻"
Somewhere far away a writer smashed his keyboard on the table and yelled, "What the ffffudge Pinkie. HOW?!"
But Pinkie just smiled and held out a hoof in friendship. "It's good to be helping..."
Elsewhere, another comedic adventure was also coming to and end as three heroes descended the mountain after an epic battle to claim their gold, win their freedom from each other and continue on to even more glorious victories.
"And then you said, 'I guess we should jump?'," said Gorg, slapping Pex on the back.
"I think he meant it," said Wintergreen, softly.
"Of course I meant it!"
"I know. That was the best part!" Roared Gorg in laughter.
This only serves to demonstrate, once again, the therapeutic power of ponies, and friendship, and magic... and Table-Top RPGs.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 12: Pinkie and the Brain
Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter. To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 13: The Mark of Metallo
Chapter 13: The Mark of Metallo
The sun was just creeping over the horizon and the Metropolis shipping port was swapping over from the night shift to the morning shift.
Few people were walking the docks, and absolutely no one saw the mysterious shadow moving under the water, or the dripping figure emerge behind one of the dock pylons.
Even the burly sailor coming ashore never saw them as they grabbed him from behind and pulled him into a dark corner. Several seconds later the figure emerged wearing the sailor's coat, hat and shoes. They continued towards Metropolis, sticking to the shadows.
As they stepped through a patch of sunlight, the sun shone and flashed as it reflected off of polished metal. The figure stuck it's hands into the coat's pockets and the reflection vanished.
Lex sat in his office, making several changes to his financial empire. Something was moving in the air of Metropolis and Lex felt the need to liquidate several of his assets. He wasn't quite sure where he could reinvest them, but he had the distinct feeling an opportunity would present itself soon enough.
"Sir," came Mercy's voice of the intercom, "There's a gentleman here to see you, he says his name's-"
Before Mercy could finish Lex noted a message in his inbox from a scientist he was all too familiar with.
"One minute." He interrupted her, scanning the email. The message had been sent while he had been unavailable the past week, and what it had to say, immediately got his attention.
Professor Fontein was a tectonics researcher who Luthor had positioned in a small facility just south of the Bahamas. Formally, he was there to study a semi-active volcanic remnant, but Luthor had also given him private instructions for something (or rather someone) to look out for and report back any findings on.
They'd found the impression of a human in the hardened lava. But that was all they'd found.
Luthor lightly rested the columella of his nose on his clasped hands considering the development.
He had to get in touch with Superman. Discord hadn't shown his face since dropping him back off in his office the other day, and Superman was currently his only connection with the ponies.
Exhaling, he hit the intercom. "Mercy-" He started to say, but was interrupted.
"I'm sorry Mr. Luthor, but this gentleman is very insistent on seeing you."
Luthor's heart-rate increased. "Who is it?"
"He says his name is John de Lancie?"
Lex considered whether they might be using a false name.
"Has he told you what he wants?"
"Sort of sir. He said something about 'wanting to make it look official rather than snapping his fingers and using a back door'?"
Luthor's face lit up at this as he said, "Show him in Mercy."
The door opened and in walked a tall, slightly older man with gray hair, a red shirt and a charismatic attitude.
"It's good to see you again Lexy," he said, before giving Mercy an odd look.
"You may leave us Mercy," said Luthor, steepling his fingers, "We have business to discuss."
Mercy nodded and left the office as Luthor turned to his guest.
"I assume you are who I think you are?" He said, raising an eyebrow.
"For wealth and power!" Yelled the man, raising one hand in some kind of battle cry before falling flat on his face.
Lex placed both hands over his face in a sort-of double facepalm as he remembered that particular set of rolls and winced at the cursed battle cry.
"I assume, you're here because of the message I received?"
The figure stood up from the floor in a single almost snake-like slithering motion and waved his hand dismissively. "Oh, I delivered the solution to that problem ages ago. I'm here to discuss something entirely different."
Lex sighed in relief and leaned back in his chair. "And that would be?"
"Luthor! I have come to make a Faustian Bargain."
Luthor's relaxed expression darkened as he sat forward in his chair, a worried tone in his voice. "What?"
"A Faustian Bargain. You know, a bargain involving Faust."
The figure snapped his fingers and in a brilliant flash of light a tall, practically glowing white, beautiful Alicorn stood in the middle of the room next to him, her long burgundy hair flowing in a non-existent breeze you could almost feel.
The figure frowned and snapped their fingers again at the new arrival. The pony was replaced by a shorter woman with the same color hair (lacking the flowing though) still clearly recognizable as the same person.
As she looked around the room in mild confusion, "Mr. de Lancie" turned back to Luthor.
"It's really quite simple. She writes the stories, you publish them, we make this 'pony thing' world-wide, and you get rich. Isn't that right Mrs. Faust?"
At the mention of the word 'pony' the woman focused her attention first on him and then on Luthor before speaking.
"Hello, my name is Lauren Faust and I'd like to create a show about six pony friends exploring a fantastic world of magic and mythical creatures while learning lessons about friendship."
There was a muted cough, Mr. de Lancie "accidentally" snapped his fingers and a second person appeared in the room as well. They were tall, with messy, long dark hair and a scraggly beard.
He smiled and gave a nonchalant wave. "Hi! I'm M.A. Larson and I'd like to write for the show as well... Everyone loves me!"
Raising his eyes to look innocently at the ceiling, John de Lancie held a hand to his face. "Oops..."
Leaning forward even more, Luthor smiled at the two and gestured for them to take a seat at his desk. "A pleasure to meet you Mrs. Faust, I would be very interested in hearing more about this idea of yours."
The security guard stood in the elevator with the janitor, waiting for his floor.
"How's your wife doing George?" He asked as they passed the 17th floor.
The janitor let out a halfhearted grunt, as though he didn't want to talk about it.
Sam sighed and nodded in understanding. "Yeah, don't worry man. We're all hoping she pulls through."
The door opened and Sam stepped out. He waved to George who had his head lowered and face hidden underneath his hat.
"Poor guy." He muttered as he headed to his post.
Meanwhile, inside the elevator, "George" raised his head slightly, the elevator lights reflecting off of polished metal as the "janitor" smiled.
He exited the elevator one floor below his destination and pushed the cart full of cleaning supplies down the hallway. Pulling the fire alarm, he smashed through the door into the stairwell and bolted up towards the floor Luthor's office was on.
He caught sight of Mercy on the other side of the door as he rammed into it at full speed. The door buckled like tin foil under his shoulder and both door and Mercy smashed into the wall.
"Don't bother announcing me to the boss," said Corben, as he stripped off the hat and jacket to reveal gleaming Metallo and glowing green eyes underneath. "I'll just show myself in."
Mercy groaned and slumped over, unconscious underneath the heavy steel door.
Luthor's office door presented no more difficulty to the Kryptonite-fueled might of Metallo than the stairwell door, and he announced himself to his previous boss with the sound of rending metal as the door slid across the floor.
"Honey, I'm home!" He said, mockingly.
Luthor's chair swiveled around as he turned to looked at him.
"Ahhh, good to see you again Corben. We've been expecting you."
Metallo flashed in the sunlight streaming through the window as his green eyes glanced from side to side to make sure the room was empty. Then his glare focused back on Luthor.
"We? We who? It's just you and me Luthor. And I plan on picking up right where I left off."
"I'm afraid there's going to be a slight... interruption to that," said Luthor, calmly opening a drawer in his desk and pulling out a few small objects from inside.
"Ohh no, this time Superman isn't going to stop me or distract me," continued Corben, stepping forward.
"I wasn't referring to him," said Luthor as he carefully placed three small, pastel-colored figurines on his desk, one by one, facing Corben.
"What is this?!" Metallo pointing angrily at Luthor.
Having positioned the three small toys, Luthor sat back in his chair and indicated each one in turn.
"This is Applebloom, she's part of the Apple Family. As an earth pony, she's quite strong, and good with building or fixing things. She also has a mild interest in dancing. This is Scootaloo, resident thrill seeker and the enthusiasm for the group. While she can't fly... yet, she is quite the little terror on her scooter. And last, but not least, the voice of reason for these three, Sweetie Belle. She also has a marvelous singing voice. Together, these three make up... the Cutie Mark Crusaders!"
As Lex sat there, his hands raised to indicate the three small plastic ponies, Corben's green eyes just looked from him to the desk for several seconds in confusion.
Then, he grinned. "I'm afraid insanity isn't going to help you get out of this one Luthor."
Luthor lowered his hands to the desk and grinned back at him.
"Whoever said I was Luthor?" He asked. Then, lowering his head to the desk, he whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear, "Get 'im girls!"
Metal shutters fell, covering the office windows and door and cutting off the sunlight from outside.
As artificial light illuminated the interior, Corben took a step back in shock at what was before him.
Luthor had been replaced by a tall, strange, mismatched creature who was grinning back at him like a monster from some kind of horror movie.
With a snap of it's fingers, the creature vanished and Metallo was left alone in the room with the three-
They were moving!
He took several more steps back in genuine fear as the three small, plastic figurines hopped off the desk and started trotting towards him.
Turning, he slammed his fists into the metal that sealed the door way, but it was just as tough as he was.
He turned and saw that they were still approaching. Hurriedly, he moved to his right, skirting around the edge of the office until he bumped into a bookshelf. He hefted it over his head and hurled it, end over end, towards the oncoming trio.
The yellow one rolled to one side, out of the way of the incoming literary projectile, the White one blinked out of existence with a fizzling pop, and the orange one's small wings buzzed to life atop a small scooter. She zoomed forwards, and then tipped over, sliding underneath the shelf as it flattened across the floor behind her.
The yellow one continued walking toward him, the orange one was upright again and buzzing across the floor like an RC car... and the white one had vanished altogeth-
"Hello Mr. Metallo," said a high-pitched voice above him and Corben could see a white hoof waving to him in his periphery from the top of his head.
Though he couldn't feel anything with his nerveless artificial Metallo body, he let out a cry of shock and tried to smack the creature off the top of his head.
He couldn't tell if he'd managed to knock her off him before he had to jump out of the way of the buzzing orange one.
He landed on the desk and looked around to note where they each were. The yellow and white ones were headed towards the desk, and the orange one had executed a 180 after he'd jumped out of her way.
Flipping over the desk, he used it like a shield, keeping it between himself and the three small figures.
"What do you want?" He asked, glowing green gaze glaring angrily at them.
The buzzing stopped as the orange one halted with the other two just in front of the desk.
"Well, as Discord was sayin'," said the yellow one in a thick country drawl, "We're the Cutie Mark Crusaders, and we help other ponies find out what their special talent is."
"So they can get their cutie mark!" Shouted the orange one with a raised hoof.
"Or understand what their cutie mark means," added the white one.
Metallo stared at them, his eyes never wavering as he tried to decipher what the heck they were talking about.
"I have no idea what any of that means," he said in a monotone, while still keeping a cautious eye on them.
"Yah see these here marks?" said the yellow one and all three turned to show their flanks. They each had similar pink images resembling shields tattooed just above their hind legs.
Metallo stayed silent.
"When a pony finds out what they're really good at a cutie mark appears-"
"BAM!"
"And that way, they know what they're supposed to do."
Backing slowly up, Corben pulled the desk with him, keeping it between them.
"I'm not a- pony."
"Well duh," said the orange one, rolling her eyes.
"But that didn't stop Gabby."
"Eeyup. You ain't the first none-pony... uh- person we've helped. See, we used to spend our time tryin' to figure out what our cutie marks were gonna be-"
"We tried everything."
"But it wasn't until after we helped Diamond Tiara figure out what her cutie mark really meant that we discovered our true talent was helping other ponies figure out what their cutie marks mean," the white one finished.
"I'm not interested." Stated Metallo, flatly.
The three shared a knowing look.
"Believe it or not, you're not the first we've helped who didn't want to know what their cutie mark was either."
"Eeyup."
"That just makes it a challenge," said the orange one, grinning, "Alright, Sweetie, you go left, I'll go right, Applebloom, you go straight down the middle."
Metallo kept retreating with the desk, until they had backed him into a corner.
With no way out, Metallo pushed off of the wall and floor and leapt over the table to get away from them.
His forward momentum halted as he looked down to see the yellow one's hoof suctioned onto his right big toe like a super powerful tiny magnet, causing him to pivot forward and-
*WHAM*
He impacted the floor and immediately rolled over to continue his escape, but she had him firmly in the grasp of her hoof... somehow.
Lashing out with his other foot, he tried to kick her away, but she dodged and then gave him a raised eyebrow that just screamed, 'Oh no you didn't.'
"Trying to kick an Apple off? You're lucky my big sis weren't here to see that."
With a pop, the white one appeared on his chest, and he instinctively swung at her. She, however, merely popped away and back to the same spot to avoid his wild swing.
Holding his hands out to the side, Metallo rested his head against the floor and tried to calm down. It was difficult without the ability to breath.
"They're just kids. You can't hurt me. I'm Metallo." He muttered to himself.
"We're not trying to hurt you, duh," said the one on the scooter next to him, "We're trying to help."
"I don't need any of your help," he said in a low and steady voice, trying not to look at them.
"Seriously?" He heard the one by his foot say, "You ain't got any problems whatsoever?"
"I'm Metallo, I'm unstoppable, invincible, immortal."
"OK, then why were you trying to hurt the big bald guy?" asked the orange one again.
Metallo felt anger rise up in him again, but he controlled it. "He tricked me into this. He took away my body. I may be immortal but I can't FEEL anything."
"An' hurtin' that there Luther feller'll help you feel again?"
"No, but he deserves it," said Metallo, gritting his teeth, "And revenge will make me feel better."
All three of them rolled their eyes in sync. Metallo blinked at the incongruous sight.
"There goes life being ironic again..." Said the white one, shaking her head.
"Listen mister," said the orange one, leaning forward on her scooter, "We've got experience with revenge too, involving a giant golden pumpkin carriage and mud... lots and lots of mud- Don't ask. And trust me it doesn't work."
"I don't care."
"That's the whole problem!" The white one threw her hooves up in the air in exasperation. It was kind of cute.
"You ain't listened to a word we said."
"Yeah, did you miss the part where we only got our cutie marks AFTER we helped Diamond Tiara with hers."
"So?"
There was a pause before he heard the chagrined tone of the yellow one. "Uh, girls, we might have uh forgot to mention the part about bein' her mortal enemy an all."
"Oooh... right." Their ears drooped in unison and Corben could feel something inside him crack at the sight.
Blinking and shaking his head, Metallo ignored it. "It isn't the same thing. Some kid making fun of you isn't-"
"You mean making fun of what we were?" Said the white one angrily.
"Blank flanks." Said the orange one, imitating an irritating, high-pitched, snooty voice.
"All the time," muttered the one by his foot.
"Ruining our flag-waving routine?"
"Tryin' to get us in all trouble with Princess Twilight?"
"Even pushing us into becoming enemies with the entire town!" The white one's voice almost broke with anger.
"And our families." Added the yellow one.
"The entire town?!"
"Eeyup."
"We were pretty infamous" The orange one almost looked pleased with this, but the other two glared at her.
"Well maybe in Ponyland-"
"Ponyville."
He stared at the white one on his chest who'd corrected him.
"You're serious?"
"Mmmm-hmmm," she nodded and smiled endearingly.
Metallo closed his eyes and tried not to think too much about it.
"Whatever! Maybe where you're from everything works out happily ever after but in THIS world, you actually think, you three can convince ME to leave Luthor alone, after what he's done to me?!"
There was silence for a second before the country one spoke up. "Why not, we've already taken care of the rest of Superman's baddies."
The words vanished as quickly as they were uttered and the moment hung in the empty air of the trashed office as Corben's mind processed what she'd just said.
"What..."
"Yeah, why'd you think Luthor was missing in the first place?" The orange one rolled her eyes and shook her head at him, like it was a dumb question.
"...Including Luthor?!"
"Eeyup. Sure is a shame what with you plannin on revengin on him and all. He might actually have wanted to help you now." The sarcastic tone wasn't lost on Corben.
Then suddenly the reality of the statement and it's consequences began to dawn on him.
Parasite, Luthor, Livewire, Toyman, all of them... reformed by these... whatever they were?
Out of the corner of his eye he saw the white pony, with the pink streaked poofy hair smiling at him and he felt as though a spark of something had wormed its way out of the chunk of kryptonite in his chest as was spreading and warming up his whole body. He tried to fight it, but like the little ponies dodging away from his attacks, the spark seemed unquenchable.
"OK, so, supposing I leave Luthor alone. Then what?" He asked, slowly, watching their reactions.
"Oooh, how about a tea party!" said the white one, lighting up her horn in excitement.
Corben opened his mouth and... turned to look at the orange pony on the scooter who'd let out an ever more bored groan then he had intended.
A normal sized tea-set floated out from behind the desk and into the middle of the group as the pony let go of his foot and let him sit up.
Corben looked from the pink tea-set to the metal shutters that still trapped him here with these annoying furry fuzzbuck-
Why were they bigger now?!
"One sugar to two?" Asked the white one, holding out a cup to him.
"Uhh... I don't drink," he mumbled, before noticing in confusion the cup was empty.
"We're kids," said the yellow one, "We don't have tea parties to drink tea, that's boring grown-up stuff. We do 'em to talk and have fun."
Looking in complete confusion from the cute one, to the tough one, to the down to earth one, Metallo didn't even notice he had accepted the cup of tea Sweetie Belle had given to him.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 14: The End and the Beginning
Chapter 14: The End and the Beginning
The doctors and security at Arkham had never been so on edge. For the past several months all the inmates had been behaving like model citizens. Polite, courteous, friendly... as though their personalities had completely flipped.
No escapes had been made, no signs of some greater plan or plot were apparent and everything was quiet... Too quiet.
That was why, during free time one afternoon, when every inmate had suddenly gone dead silent and every eye had jerked robotically in one direction like they were under some kind of spell, every non-inmate froze in terror. Clearly the past few months were about to come to their head.
It had all started innocently enough...
"-And in other news today, Lex Industries announced several new syndicated TV shows will be releasing this month on the Metropolis Hub Network..." Droned the TV in the background as a reporter conducted an interview with Lex Luthor about his business objectives.
Most of the inmates were engaged in some of the strange interests and hobbies they'd adopted out of the blue over the past few months. Croc was sketching some wildlife, Joker was playing a board game with Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn and Two-Face, Clayface was reading a book, Bane was doing one handed push-ups, and Scarecrow was conversing with Riddler and the Penguin.
"Entertainment for the entire family... cartoons... new show idea... My Little Pony..."
Every inmate stopped what they were doing as their heads swiveled as one to focus on the TV screen. The doctors and security personnel froze as the atmosphere in the room came to a screeching halt.
"How do you know these shows will work out Mr. Luthor?" Luthor gave the reporter a raised eyebrow and then looked straight into the camera. "I have personally looked over the storylines, themes, and lessons of these shows. I can say I am intimately familiar with the characters, the writing is top-notch, and I am certain these shows will certainly strike a unique chord with the audience. We'll be releasing the first seasons of the shows starting next week."
The silence in the room ended abruptly as every inmate stood and cheered. Some were laughing, some were crying, as they slapped each other on the back, leaped for joy and applauded like mad.
Though it was harder to regain order than a full blown riot, thankfully, no one was seriously injured or hurt.
On Cedrix-6 there was great activity. Engineers from throughout the system had banded together and were working as one on "The Great Project".
The humongous structure was designed to receive signals from the satellite that orbited the planet, pointed out into space to receive a signal that had been predicted for millennium. Beings of all races swarmed over the structure like ants, tightening, readjusting, programming, fine-tuning and making sure everything would be ready. After all, they only had one chance right now. Cedrix-4 was also working on a receiving unit, but the sixth planet was currently the best option to receive "the message from the savior from the stars".
One small synthetic working at the edge of the dish, was so engrossed in their work that they failed to notice a strut another engineer was adjusting, and had just turned away from, detach and fall towards him. Just as the huge metal strut was about to crush him, a large gray hand reached out from behind him and caught the falling piece of metal like it was nothing.
Looking up, the engineer saw the strut and the monstrous being who'd caught it.
"Thank you sir," he said, as the creature pushed the strut back into position and the engineer above them waved an awkward apology as they resecured it in place.
The large gray creature shrugged and continued walking across the dish helping wherever he could.
The bounty hunter Lobo had dropped the being off on Cedrix-6 only a few days ago to assist with the construction of the great work and because he was apparently some kind of outcast from his planet. The synthetic watched him go and was silently thankful he'd been there. He had saved several engineers (who were too engrossed in their work to notice their surroundings) and helped move some very heavy pieces of equipment.
Meanwhile, above the planet, outside the atmosphere, Lobo sat on his bike waiting for them to complete the construction. While he wasn't interested in helping, he was certainly interested in the end result. He didn't quite know what to expect, but he had a feeling it was going to be even more entertaining than what the system had previously provided him.
"Here's the popcorn!" Shouted Mxyzptlk, walking back into the living room where Nyxlygsptlnz was resting on the couch.
"Oh, you sweet little thing," she said, running her hand across his head as he sat down next to her and held out the bowl. "I hope you know how much it means, you spending this time with me."
"Aaghh, ya twisted my arm enough Nyxly," said the imp, waving a hand. "Ya don't have to rub it in anymore. What was the name'ah this dumb show again?"
"My Little Pony," said Nyxly, taking a few kernels of popcorn.
"Dumb chick-flicks..." Mxyzptlk muttered under his breath, then he snapped his fingers and the TV set lit up with a screen-full of static.
"What the?!" He yelled. Zipping over to it, he smashed the top with a large mallet and the static vanished. Nyxlygsptlnz didn't quite hide her smile as well as she hid her crossed fingers behind her back.
"The things I do for you, Nyxly," he said, sitting back down as she snuggled up next to him and whispered in his ear.
"My big strong hero."
"That's right," grinned the imp before sitting forward to stare at the screen, "Now pipe down, it's starting."
All throughout the galaxy, voices quieted, and eyes focused on one tiny planet's contribution to the universe of cartoon fiction.
The only light in the free-time room of Arkham came from the small TV as the inmates sat together on couches, or sprawled across the floor. Clouds parted and a feminine voice announced the start of a new adventure.
A giant screen had been erected in a cleared field, next to the giant receiver tower on Cedrix-6 as thousands watched a colorful musical intro paint a new message into their world. Lobo leaned against a wall with Doomsday as they both watched, grinning.
"What the heck?!" Screamed the imp, jumping up from the couch as his wife rolled her eyes. "Has that lousy princess got pudding for brains? Did she forget the prophesy? She was there for the whole flippin' thing!"
Superman reached out and scratched behind Applejack's ear, as the episode continued. Rainbow sat on his left, munching on what was left of the popcorn as she watched and remembered herself crash into Twilight that first time.
From his office, Professor Hamilton could hear Rudy laughing down the hallway. This was the first time in weeks his TV had been turned on and whatever he was watching was apparently hilarious.
However, he was currently too focused on some of the characters he thought he recognized in the background to care what it was Rudy was watching.
Luthor grinned as he sat in his private theater. Sure, he'd screened the first episode before it went live (to make sure there weren't any mistakes), but there was something to knowing everyone else all around the world was watching it as well.
He smiled as he remembered telling one creative director, "No. Her eyes are supposed to look like that."
On the small fishing boat out at sea, a group of weather-wearied sailors sat around a small television watching as Nightmare Moon appeared in a cloud of blue smoke.
In the center of the group, one individual smiled as he saw three fillies cowering at the sight. He was expecting big things from those three, after all, they were expecting big things from him.
Livewire lay back on the bed, watching the episode. It wasn't half bad.
She paused as Pinkie started singing and held up a hand, freezing the image on the TV screen. An idea had just popped into her head.
Gesturing with her right hand, she scanned back through the video to the beginning of the song. As she let it play again, she wiggled her fingers, modulating Pinkie's voice up and down as she played with the backing melody, giving it an electric tone.
At Wayne Manor, Bruce, Dick and Alfred sat in the living room, while Princess Celestia approached her sister with all the regality and forgiveness befitting a wise and benevolent ruler.
All three turned to look at where she lay on the couch, surrounded by empty plates covered in frosting and snoring loudly.
The hustle and bustle in the Denton Enquirer came to a halt as Kirby stepped out of his office and yelled, "OIL TANKER'S ON FIRE IN DENTON HARBOR!"
Several reporters took a quick glance at Lucy's desk where she was helping another reporter with their article.
Looking up, Lucy pointed out one of the windows of the building and yelled, "LOOK AT THAT!"
With that, every reporter in the room stood up and turned to stare out the window at the empty sky, as Lucy nudged Kirk Clint with her elbow.
Several reporters coughed and shuffled slightly as they stood there, looking away from what was happening behind them. After all, honest reporters didn't betray their friends or print lies about seeing them engaging in secret, heroic activities.
The janitor by one of the windows pushed it open and absentmindedly bent down to pick up his broom that had fallen behind a potted plant as something went flying past him out the window. Picking the broom back up, he closed the window and continued cleaning the office.
Meanwhile across town, in a dark room upstairs several men were bent over a table talking.
"So what d'ya say?" Asked the larger one, leaning back in his chair and smiling.
"You want me to pull something like that in Denton City?!" Spluttered a smaller man at the other side of the table, "Heck no boss! That nutty hero's some kind of wackjob, he almost dropped a car on the last crook he put away. I'm going somewhere safe... Like Gotham."
A vast sea of stars stretched out across the sky, as Doomsday looked up. Several more receivers had been built over the past few months and everyone in the Cedrix system listened with rapt attention to every message they received from their beloved savior.
Laying on a large chunk of concrete on the side of the hill his house was built on, he stared up at the starlight.
He missed his pony, but she'd told him that it would be a few seasons before she showed up. He hoped she had a big part to play.
As he lay there, he thought he saw one star in particular moving. It almost seemed to be getting... bigger?
Sitting up, he focused on the green light as it descended into the city nearby and a light scanned several buildings. After awhile it turned and approached the hill where he lay.
He watched in mild interest as the small green light got close enough to be discernible as a floating metal probe with three glowing green dots on it's surface.
As it neared it dropped down towards the chunk of concrete he was lying on and floated several feet away.
"Query: Seeking one designated "Doomsday". Are you he?"
Doomsday gave a slight nod of his head.
"Excellent. My designation is Brainiac."
Doomsday nodded again, he'd heard of the figure in the underground fandom that had begun to pop up here and there. But he never expected to get a visit from him.
"Query: it has come to my attention that you may have something of interest for me."
Scratching his head, Doomsday stood up, shrugged and walked back to his house. He really didn't think what he'd done deserved a visit from the drone, but despite this, he couldn't fight the feeling he wanted to contribute something rather than just sit back and watch the ponies.
Stepping back out of the house, he held up a thick stack of papers in one hand and placed them wordlessly on the concrete in front of the drone.
As the drone scanned through the document, Doomsday looked around at the bombed out remains of the landscape around him. Here and there the races of Cedrix-6 were attempting to rebuild, but the fallout from several lifetimes of war were still unmistakable.
Looking up from the last page, the drone directed its attention back to him.
"Query: the narrative is still unfinished. Do you have an ultimate destination in mind for this story?"
Doomsday shrugged and picked up the papers.
"Noted. This drone will return regularly to collect any further additions."
With that the drone shot up back into the sky and Doomsday looked down at the sheaf of papers he held, and the dumb idea he'd come up with over several weeks of staring out over the landscape outside his door and the evenings spent watching the show with his new companions.
"Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria there came an era when the ideals of friendship gave way to greed, selfishness, paranoia and a jealous reaping of dwindling space and natural resources. Lands took up arms against their neighbors. The end of the world occurred much as we had predicted. The world was plunged into an abyss of balefire and dark magic the details are trivial and pointless. The reasons, as always, purely our own..."
The dark of the night and the silence of his cell was interrupted by a soft tapping at his window. Opening his eyes, the being once known as The Joker looked up to see a small metal object out his window and he instantly came fully awake.
"Has my story idea really been approved?!" He asked in excitement, sitting up in bed.
The object outside's lights came on and a beam of light moved up and down before focusing on him.
Pulling a sheet of papers out from under his pillow, he approached the window and held it up for the object to see, or rather scan.
"It's a dark comedy," he said, flipping through the pages as the light flickered across the pages, "I know it might be a bit cliched, but I couldn't resist the idea."
The light flickered out but the device continued to bob outside his window.
"Query: Title?"
He grinned in the darkness. "I was thinking... Cupcakes."
Turning, the probe was about to leave when he stopped it.
"By the way Brainy, I have a question for you." It turned back to him. "I understand you used to just hoard information and now you're collecting all these stories for the fandom. May I ask what made you change your mind, and also have YOU ever written anything?"
The probe nodded. "Nothing special really. Just a short story about a filly with big pink eyes on a mission to find her mother, make some friends along the way and ultimately... make her way home."
Ever since Darkseid seemed to have all but forgotten Apokolips's one purpose, Kalibak had stopped his battle training and taken to resting in his quarters.
Even though it was most likely a leftover, filthy trait from his home world of New Genesis and he knew he'd probably get in trouble for it one day, Kalibak had taken to using his Mother Box to receive entertainment from across the universe. Despite their relatively small talent for war, he'd found many of the Earth's darker shows managed to hold his attention.
Last week he'd checked out a show he'd heard rumors about and had, unfortunately, fallen head over heels for.
Though he'd never mention it or even think it too loudly, he might have, sortof, kinda, possibly, maybe, had a small, insignificant, tiny, little crush on the orange mare with the adorable freckles.
So, that's what he was doing right now. Sitting in his room, behind his bed, with the lights off, snacking on a bowl of Apokolips rock-worms and rewatching an episode with Applejack in it projected from his Mother Box.
Without warning, his door slammed open and the lights came on, shocking Kalibak out of his relaxation, and making him jump to his feet and mentally kill the Mother Box stream.
In the door stood Darkseid, staring at him with his arms crossed behind his back.
"What were you watching my son?"
Kalibak dropped to the floor, groveling and assuring Darkseid it was nothing important.
"I did not ask if it was important Kalibak. I asked you what it was."
Silently, Kalibak kicked himself at his carelessness. Then he remembered the orange mare and something inside him softly lit up.
Kalibak thought back to the many tortures and punishments Darkseid had inflicted on him before, and then considered the pony in the Stetson.
"It was an Earth-show father," he said, standing. "Called... My Little Pony."
"Why were you watching it?"
Kalibak gulped and continued. "Because it is a good show."
"I see."
With that Darkseid left the room, and a very confused Kalibak, standing there.
As he walked down the hallway, Darkseid considered whether he should have told Kalibak the whole truth. But no. He'd tell him when he was older.
As he entered his quarters, Darkseid saw the drone waiting on the balcony.
"Query: further narrative development?"
Holding up his Mother Box, Darkseid brought up the next chapter in his story. "Yes. Blackjack is about to learn something very important about file EC-1101."
Lois sat at her desk, trying to ignore the conversation between Clark and Jimmy. But their excited voices were just a little too grating on her concentration.
"Do you two have to talk about that stuff here?!" She said, angrily.
"Sorry, is it bothering you Lois?" Asked Clark.
"Well, for one thing, you're loud enough the whole office can hear you both," she said, "And for a second, I honestly didn't think something that childish would appeal to you."
A desk behind them, Martin spoke up, "Easy there miss Lane, my son watches that show and I don't think there's anything wrong with it."
"That's different," said Lois, turning in her chair, "He's a kid. Those two are grown adults... I think."
Martin grinned sheepishly, "Sometimes I watch it with him, and it ain't bad."
Lois rolled her eyes.
"You know Mr. Kent, I could ask Lena if you'd like to join us for the season finale next week."
Clark shook his head and smiled. "I wouldn't want to intrude on you two."
"Just because we're dating doesn't mean we watch the episodes alone," said Jimmy. "Lena always says, the more the mare-ier."
Lois winced.
"I'll think about it Jimmy."
"Promise?"
"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye." Clark executed some stupid pantomime.
"HEY LOIS!"
"Thank my lucky stars," said Lois, getting up from her desk to answer Mr. White's call.
As she entered his office, Perry sat down and pointed a pencil at her. "What's your opinion of this new My Little Pony show?"
Lois felt her mood and expression sink into the carpeting.
"Well Perry, I'd say I've grown out of kids shows, wouldn't you?"
"Great, sound's like you're the only unbiased reporter I've got left. I'm planning on putting together an article on this whole development with Luthor's new series, with a focus on that show and its viewers in particular."
Lois face palmed and massaged her temples. "You've got to be kidding."
"Well there isn't much other news right now," said Perry, looking out the window over the city.
"Well, that's something I could look into sir," said Lois. "Like, Toyman. He escaped three weeks ago and no one's seen him since. Superman's been noticeably absent too, aside from the hurricane last week. Maybe I could look into why-"
"Sorry Lois," cut in Perry, "Unfortunately, in this business, no news isn't always good news. So I'm going to need you to look into this unrelated issue instead for now."
Lois groaned.
Lois felt her bored gaze wander over to the small figurines on the desk again before she blinked and refocused on Luthor.
For his part, the millionaire was also focusing most of his time on something on his computer, only stopping to answer her questions.
"As I said before Ms. Lane, it's a family show-"
"But primarily targeted towards little girls." She pointed her pencil at him.
"That was the original target audience, but I choose to believe that quality entertainment doesn't choose it's audience, rather the audience chooses it."
"Enough with the cliches," said Lois, rolling her eyes for the umpteenth time. "Am I supposed to say you don't have any opinion about the kind of people who're actually watching your show!?"
"What can I say? I've backed a classic," said Luthor, steepling his fingers and looking calmly back at her, "Sue me."
"Thanks Luthor," said Lois, grabbing her things to go, "I'm sure my readers will be overjoyed to hear that Lex Industries has nothing to say whatsoever about the bunch of overgrown, weirdo, man-children watching a little girls' cartoon show."
Luthor leaned back, resting the back of his head in his hands as he watched the furious, little reporter stomp out of his office. Then he returned his gaze back to the campaign idea he was putting down before a glance at his watched told it was time for a scheduled call.
His computer screen switched from the text file to a view of a messy workshop, a pony-shaped robot shuffling across the top of one of the tables, knocking things off as it went.
"Crush. Kill. Destroy- Swag!"
Luthor raised an eyebrow, just as a small, boyish looking man in a lab coat ran over to readjust the camera.
"Sorry about that Mr. Luthor," he said, nervously, "It's a work in progress."
In the background the pony-bot fell onto its side while continuing to walk and vocalize. "Friendship is optimal. Fun levels increased by 20%. I really like her... Mane?"
Crowds moved through the convention center main hall looking through the stalls of merchandise as in the background you could hear the internet sensation 3lectricScratch performing her set in the concert hall.
Characters from every genre meandered through the stalls, but the My Little Pony cosplayers seemed to be hogging most of the attention.
At one table, an artist wearing a full suit changeling costume was selling Pony artwork while next to him an older professor-like individual was rocking a Doctor Whooves cosplay.
As the changeling sat back in his chair, sweaty in his costume but happy to be sharing his art for the first time in his life, an incredibly lifelike Terminator cosplayer walked up to the table and pointed stiffly at a picture of the CMCs, their green eyes almost winking with joy.
Two figures stood on the cliff by the mansion overlooking the ocean as the sun set in the distance. They weren't the only ones there though. A box full of little plastic figurines rested on the grass in front of them and was their primary interest.
"So you're just going to head home now?" said Bruce.
"I think so..." Answered the small Twilight figurine, "Honestly, when it comes to the whole world-hopping thing, Pinkie and Discord are kind of in the drivers' seats."
"Will we ever see you again?" Said Superman, kneeling down so their red cape rested across the grass.
"Sure, every Saturday on the Metropolis Hub!" Cut in Pinkie Pie.
"That's not what I meant," he said with a slightly pained smile, "I mean will you ever come back to visit our world again?"
"I believe that's a question for their boss." Said Bruce in a calm tone.
"Who?" Said Princess Celestia, raising her eyebrow at him.
"No One."
"What about him?" Asked Pinkie Pie, cocking her head to the left.
"Didn't he send you all here?"
"Listen Bats. We just let him think that. Even he doesn't know where the idea for this story came from, and that's the way it's going to stay." She winked. "Now, good luck."
With that the box sealed itself shut from the inside and, as the two figures watched and the sun's amber rays painted the cliff-top in glowing orange colors, the box vanished from view like a forgotten memory.
However, this memory was far from forgotten, and it wasn't just Superman who remembered them. Turning to Bruce-
Superman was alone on the cliff.
With a chuckle, he muttered to himself, "The more things change..."
With that, he took off into the sky, flying along the coast towards Metropolis, humming "The Smile Song" in time with the music he could hear from living rooms throughout the city.
To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
Chapter 1: New Beginnings
The sun played over the fields of fresh grass and flowers, so clean Croc felt like he was sitting on top of a freshly iced cake. The yellow mare beside him looked up at the wafting clouds, a butterfly resting on her nose.
Some time last night a fancy, hoity-toity type had stopped by and built a door in the wall of Arkham to let the prisoners out. He remembered Nygma pushing the bars aside from his and Croc's cells, like some complicated stick puzzle, stepping outside again and the warmth of the sun on his dry crusty skin.
"What are you gonna call 'er?" He asked Shy, indicating the butterfly.
"Oh, she already has a name," she replied, smiling as the blue and green insect took flight, "Her name was Roberta."
Despite Fluttershy's smile, Croc didn't feel comfortable letting the butterfly leave for some reason.
"Where's she going?" He asked.
"She told me, that on such a nice day like this, it would be a shame to keep all her beauty to herself. She's going to carry pollen to all the other flowers and let everyone else see her colors. Isn't that lovely?"
As the butterfly flew off, Croc felt that the color around him had diminished in some small way, like the light at start of a tunnel behind him. Then he remembered who he was sitting next to and a smile leapt back onto his face.
"Is something wrong?" She asked.
Croc gave her a comforting smile and turned to give her a hug.
"S'long as you're here Shy, everything's perfect."
Out of the corner of his eye, Croc saw her smile fade as he wrapped his arms around her and through her as she vanished like the clouds above. Off balance, he continued to roll over and landed with a grunt on the floor of his cell back in Arkham.
He looked around at the dark (though less dingy since Shy showed up) confines of his surroundings and groaned.
"You were having the dream again?" She asked.
"Yeah," replied Croc, pushing himself off the ground and back onto his cot. He scratched his head and yawned, "You know, I didn't really dream about fields of flowers and nature until you showed up."
"What did you dream about before?"
Dark images of violence, avarice and worse flashed through his mind. The fire of revenge lovingly stoked for years at last quenched by the cries of those he would have previously stepped on to achieve his goals. Croc shuddered.
Even though she was sitting in the middle of the room, facing the cell door, Shy acted as though she could feel him wince and didn't press him for details.
A shaft of sunlight caught the pink of her tail and Croc's attention.
"Why are you sitting over there?"
Her hair dropped down over her face as it tipped down and her wings drooped. Her voice was a whisper, and Croc had to step forward to hear better.
"...picking us up... We're... leaving... today. I'm sorry."
Croc felt the floor drop out from underneath him as the entire room started dragging him down into the depths of Arkham, like an anchor around his neck, while the pink and yellow mare stayed perched on the glass ceiling overhead. He couldn't breath. It felt like the Batman was sitting on his chest, squeezing his heart in his hands with a dark grin on his face. The fire of fury leapt to life within him once again and he reached out to grasp the one good thing life had ever given him in his hand.
His clasping fingers relaxed before he could reach her as he saw her shoulders shaking and the roaring in his ears faded into the sound of her soft sobbing.
She doesn't want to leave! She will... miss... me. The thought, like a single beautiful tone, bounced into his mind and echoed off the walls like the rays of sunlight filling his cell.
Without another thought, Croc's claw-like fingers gently parted her hair and he drew her into his embrace, replicating what she had done to him so many times before.
Her wings wrapped around him as she rested her head on his shoulder and sniffed back more tears.
"It's OK Shy. I know you'll miss me. I'll miss you too. But you can't stay cooped up here forever. It's a beautiful day, and you should go share your colors with the world."
Shy pulled back and gave him an odd look, "What?"
"Don't worry about me," replied Croc, "I'm a survivor, always have been. But, thanks to you, I finally have something worth surviving for. Go and spread the Friendship you showed me. I'll be right here."
Croc patted her chest, surprised to feel the heart beneath beating through the soft fur. Then, surprising himself again, he reached up and booped her on the nose.
"Give 'em The Stare for me."
Shy blinked cross-eyed at him, then she smiled and went in for another hug, "I'm gonna miss you, you big softy."
The hug shrank, and shrank until Croc was left holding a little yellow and pink toy in his hands.
There was a soft knock on his cell door and he opened his hands to reveal the empty remains of a memory.
Then a quiet voice whispered in his ear, "Don't worry, you'll see me again. I promise."
Nygma sniffed and wrinkled his nose, almost like he was about to sneeze, but that wasn't what he was trying to hold in.
"I doesn't make sense," he said for the umpteenth time.
"Aurrgh," replied the purple alicorn, sitting in the middle of his cell, "It makes perfect sense. I thought you were a genius. How many times do I have to explain it to you?"
But he interrupted her this time, "Not your leaving... My reaction to your leaving. All you've done since you got here, is annoy me."
She rolled her eyes.
"You may say you've taught me these 'lessons of friendship' but I think we both know who won in the end." He sat with his arms crossed, eyes staring at the left wall of his cell, away from Twilight.
Twilight let out a sigh and turned back towards the door, replying in a mock serious voice, "Looks like you are quite literally 'to smart for your own good'."
His shoulders slumped and he uncrossed his arms to massage his wrists as his gaze moved to the floor.
After a minute or two:
"It doesn't make sense."
This time Twilight remained silent.
"Why does it have to hurt so much?"
When Nygma finally looked up he saw Twilight standing there, her head cocked to one side, offering her right front hoof to him.
"Hugging helps."
*WHAM* *BAM*
Hoof met fist as Rainbow and Bane bid each other farewell. Top and bottom to bottom and top, ending with a fist to hoof bump.
*SMACK*
"Not bad dude," she said, hovering in mid air, "Keep the friendship PUMPED and FLOWING! And remember, WHO'S AWESOME?!"
Bane grinned and shouted back, "YOU ARE AWESOME!"
Flying in close, Rainbow gave him a hug and replied in a gentler tone, "No, dude... You are awesome," before backing up and socking him in the shoulder, "AND DON'T YOU FORGET IT!"
The sound of music cut through the morning air as Harley groaned and rolled over on her cot. However, her cellmate was far too awake to let her continue sleeping and started tap dancing next to her bed.
"Good mornin', good mornin', we've gabbed the whole night through. Good mornin', good mornin', to you."
"Phooey on the morning and phooey on you," she retorted, her eyes clenched shut, "It was your fault in the first place."
"Hey, you can't stop a pony with a song in his heart," said the hyper brown & orange blur, ignoring the fact that Harley had been the one demanding encores, "Besides, you've gotta get up today, I've got news."
"We're breaking out?"
"Nope."
"You're shutting up?"
"Try again."
"Augghh. Just go bug someone else, I'm tryin' to get some shut-eye."
"Well then, have I got some great news for you. I'm leaving."
Harley's eyes flew open and she bolted up in bed to stare at Cheese Sandwich for several seconds in shock. Then she started bawling.
"Correction, bad news then?"
"TERRIBLE NEWS!"
"OK, but just think about it. I'll be out of your hair and annoying someone else. Right?"
Harley increased her volume.
"Hmmm, wait! Just think about all the joy I'll be bringing others just like you!"
Her volume diminished slightly and between sobs she said, "But- I- called you a-a- nuisance!"
"Yeah, but this nuisance is going to bring joy to the joyless, hope to the hopeless, and happiness to the happiness-less."
"Whether they want it or not?"
Cheese smiled at her, "Did you want it?"
"Of course!" Replied Harley, "I just... didn't know how to get it..."
"That's because you were going about it the wrong way."
Harley looked pensive for a moment before she asked, "Then what's the right way to go? What should I do?"
"How about you start by realizing your happiness isn't tied to a pony, I just helped bring it out, and letting me go spread joy, friendship-"
"And parties?"
"You took the words right out of my mouth. -will help bring you a little happiness as well. And don't worry, we've still got plans for you."
Harley sniffed and wiped her eyes, "Plans?"
"Yes. Plans." Cheese rubbed his hooves together with a mock-evil grin.
"Well, I guess that's OK then. Hey Red, wanna hang out today?"
"Looks like she's got it in the bag. Boneless, my job here is done."
"I don't want you to go. The fear will return!"
Crane sat on his bed, hugging his knees to his chest. Applejack sat next to him, her hoof on his shoulder.
"Listen here sugarcube, I think yer makin' a mountain out'a a molehill-" started AJ, before he cut her off.
"You don't know what the nights here are like. The shadows. The sounds... The Darkness! It's like a living thing at Arkham. It eats you alive, every night."
"I ain't havin' that ya hear? It's high time ya'll take a good honest look at what yer 'a feared of and show it who's boss. Besides, ya'll ain't alone no more. Behind this here wall's a friend," AJ bucked the right side of his cell and called out, "AIN'T THAT RIGHT?"
From the other side of the wall, Bane pounded and called back, "EEYEAH!"
"Now, I'm headin' out here pretty soon, not just 'cause I got a job to do, but also 'cause I know you can handle it on yer own. Now chin up fella. Remember what I taught ya?"
"Lift with the legs, not with your back."
Applejack rolled her eyes and nodded, "Well ya, but what else?"
"Family first."
"And..."
"Don't talk with your mouth full-"
"Honesty is the best policy!" said Applejack, taking Crane's face in both hooves to stop him before he tried rattling off another simple truth she'd hammered into his head over the past few days, "So be honest, not just with others, but especially with yourself. Now look me in the eye and tell me the truth. Are you gonna be OK if I head out to help some other fella in need?"
Crane tried looking every way but into those green eyes. As simple as a sapling, and as deep as the most mysterious forest. Soft and soothing as the wind in the breeze, but as hard as a hickory.
"I- I think-"
"You think?"
"Ye- Yes. YES! I CAN DO IT! You were right, I'll be fine."
"That's the ticket sugarcube!" With that, AJ gave Crane one last hug and walked over to the window in his cell door. Jumping up and grabbing onto the bars she started to shrink, her body and torso minimizing until she was small enough to fit through the window. She hauled herself up and stood there on the ridge of the door, looking out into the hallway, waiting.
Crane looked up onto the corner of his cell. He'd heard something while he was saying goodbye to Applejack and now he stood up and walked over to see what it was.
A bat had taken roost there during the night.
The transparent leathery wings, and claws transfixed him until the animal gave a jerking movement and he stumbled away from it. He tripped on his legs and fell backward onto the floor.
In the split second before he landed, Crane remembered something AJ had shown him and, bending at the waste, he rolled on his back without hurting himself. Sitting up he looked at the dark corner that seemed to hold all the fear in the room... squared his shoulders... and took a deep breath.
AJ took one last look behind her and smiled as she saw Crane setting the small bat free out the window of his cell.
"You're sure there's nothing I could do that would make you want to stay," said Poison Ivy, lying on her bed. She'd already tried flirting, pouting and even considered some nasty tricks. But Treehugger, as if reading her mind, had told her that wouldn't work.
"Sorry," she replied, taking one last whiff of her favorite flower in the small garden, "But you can't keep me tied down in one spot. I'm free like the wind in the trees."
From across the hallway, Harley was trying to get their attention. Ivy moaned.
"HARLEY! -" she started to say, before Treehugger cut in.
"Not to harsh your vibe but, you need to mellow out. She's just trying to be friendly."
"I know, but have you met her? She's psychotic! I mean, I can at least try to wrap the Batman around my finger, but nothing works with her !"
"Have you tried being friendly back?"
"How can I be friends with someone like that ?!" Hissed Poison Ivy.
For some reason Treehugger had the biggest grin on her muzzle and Ivy had the feeling she was in for another 'pony-themed life lesson'.
"A friend of mine once ripped a hole in the fabric of spacetime and tried throwing me into a whole 'nother reality."
Ivy stared at her, not sure if the pony was serious or had smelled too many of her flowers.
After a few seconds she decided she needed some prompting, "And...?"
The pony didn't say anything, her eyes were closed like she was asleep, but Ivy was certain the story couldn't end there.
"Then what happened?"
"Hmm?" Treehugger nodded like she just woke up from a doze and continued, "Oh, we hugged it out and had tea afterwards. Fluttershy has some far-out friends."
"I see..."
"Friends, and life are like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get. So just roll with it and see where the road takes you. Later..."
Treehugger turned to go, and Ivy couldn't stop herself. Next thing she knew she was hugging the little green pony like they were old friends.
Derpy tilted her head to one side and gave Clayface a mournful look as the clay flowed around her, pinning her in his grasp.
"What's the matter?"
He carefully tightened his grip on her, despite her apparent disinterest in escaping, and pulled her closer.
"When Daggett gave me the stuff to mold my face, I thought everything was going to be fine. But it was just a tool to chain me up, make me his servant. But after his goons failed to kill me with a gallon of the stuff and I learned I could shape-shift with just a thought, I thought I could take my revenge and reclaim my old life. Too bad Batman came after me. But since you came, I haven't felt like a freak anymore. And this time... I'm not letting my one good chance squeeze through my fingers!"
"So you believe I want to help you and be your friend?" she said, with a smile.
"Yes, I do. Why aren't you happy? I'm not letting you go. We can stay together. Friends, forever." He tried to smile, but despite the malleability of his face, it still looked forced.
"Well, since you trust that I like you and don't want to hurt you. Why won't you listen to me?"
"Because I know what you're going to say. That it's the right thing. That letting you go will make me happy. But I can't believe that. You understand? I can't! LOOK AT ME!"
The clay flowed like water, bringing the gray mare up close to the grainy, brown sludge-like face, crooked teeth jutting out like the broken boards from a dilapidated shack on the beach.
Derpy remained as calm as the ocean, gently washing away at that beach. Her eyes crossed vertically looking up and down the mound of monster before her and then recrossed themselves the other way.
"You seem to have a pretty bad track record of making decisions. How about a second opinion? I promise I won't try to escape..."
Clayface reformed himself back onto his bed and Derpy sat down on his knee, a quick wince passing over his face.
"What got you interested in acting?"
Clayface gave her a quizzical look, "I had it all, fame, fans and a sweet paycheck."
"That's what kept you employed ," Derpy interrupted, "I asked you what first interested you. When was the first time you thought you wanted to become an actor?"
Rarely did Clayface think about his past. But for this mare, the perfect combination of friend, confidante, mother figure and quirky-looking pony, he tried. His mind wandered back to the days when a young Matthew Hagen had tried out for the lead character in his middle school play. He hadn't gotten the main part, but he had received a speaking role with some of the best lines in the story.
"There was this girl I knew when I was a kid. I think I had a crush on her."
"Go on."
He reminisced on practicing the part, throwing all he could into the performance until the big night.
"And did you catch her eye?"
Hagen's gaze was a million miles away, reliving that night that he had seen something in the girl's eyes. Neither love, not affection but enthrallment. He'd done more than capture her attention. He'd inspired her!
"And that's when I decided I wanted to become an actor."
"Not for fame, fortune or even popularity, you wanted to affect people on a deeper level. You wanted to inspire and uplift them. To make them forget, if just for a minute, who they were on the outside and judge a character, a person by what's on the inside."
"Yeah..."
"Now imagine how that person I could help must be feeling right now. Alone, unloved, unlikable, abnormal, weird..."
A moment of silence hung in the air as Hagen sat there, staring at the door to his cell until, at last, he spoke.
"You said you're a mail-mare?"
"Yes."
"Then if I let you out of here, you take them this message. They're not a freak. And if I can survive in here -"
He opened his hand toward his cell, then stopped and, closing his hand, held it to his chest.
"Then they can survive out there. Will you tell them that?"
"Mail mare, Ditzy 'Derpy' Doo, reporting for duty sir! Through the rain and the snow and the heat, nothing shall stop me from delivering this message of friendship !"
He grinned and returned the salute. Then he stood up and gave her one last hug. As she sank into his warm embrace, he could feel her growing smaller and smaller, till she popped out of existence right next to his heart and left him alone in the cell.
He sat back down on his cot and sighed. Then he felt something stuck to the bottom of his foot and, reaching down, he picked up the letter she had left for him.
As he opened the letter and looked inside, what was written there made his day.
A couple tears hung on the edge of his vision, absorbed almost the second they touched his cheeks.
"If you're going, then the next person must be an even bigger piece of work than I was."
The small cardboard figure hopping three spaces on the board.
"You have no idea."
Pinkie, wiggled and wobbled as she shook the dice in her hooves.
"Will you be OK?"
"What do you think?"
The thin figure looked up from the game of Candyland and gave her a big, grateful smile.
"They haven't got a chance."
"It's such a shame you must leave now," said Penguin as he knelt before the unicorn to let her adjust his new suite, "I must say, I have become quite fond of you these few days we've had together."
After straightening his bow tie, Rarity pulled back and smiled at him, "I will miss you as well Mr. Cobblepot, but there are still those out there who require some instruction in class and dignity ."
The Penguin stood up and gave a fake cough to try explaining pulling out his handkerchief, blowing his nose and wiping his eyes.
"Are you OK, darling?"
"It's nothing, merely something in my eye. After all, a gentleman does not cry."
Rarity gave him a soft look before pulling a beautiful silk hat out from behind her and holding it out to him, "A gentleman does whatever it takes to show their friends how much they appreciate them, and a lady does the same."
Penguin took the hat in his hands like it was made of solid gold and, fighting back tears, placed it on his head before giving Rarity an inquiring look.
"Eh-hmm, How-," He sniffed and blinked before continuing, "How do I look?"
"Simply smashing darling. A gentleman, through and through."
The Penguin stood there for a moment, the flapping of his doves' wings the only sound, before he let go of his cane and dropped down onto his knees to wrap Rarity in a tight embrace. Tears filled the handkerchief which Rarity quickly levitated around behind her to dab at his face.
"Know that it is time for me to leave. But thou needst have no fear. For I shall walk beside thee in thy sleep, a guardian of your dreams, so long as thou promise to do all in thy power to make thine dreams a reality."
"Thanks," he returned, tears ran down both of his cheeks even though both halves of his face shone with a grateful smile, "Here's a little token of my appreciation... and the first step towards keeping my promise."
Luna took the offered coin with reverence and then reached out her hooves for one last hug.
For the past half hour of so, half-inch-high ponies had been filing into the manor kitchen as Alfred cooked, Octavia played her cello and both of them tried to ignore what they knew was coming.
At last, with the sound of a slamming door, the Pink pony bounced in and proclaimed, "That's all folks."
Alfred had just finished washing his hands and was drying them as Octavia began putting away her cello.
"Must you leave so soon Miss Octavia?" he asked, setting the dish towel by the edge of the sink and walking over to the kitchen island she was standing on.
"It was an honor to play for you, Mr. Pennyworth." The latches on her case snapped shut and they were left standing there. Silence reverberating off the marble counters, tile floor and walnut cabinets as the pony and butler tried avoiding the inevitable.
At last, Alfred opened his mouth.
"HEY OCTI! WHAT'S WITH THE HOLD-UP?"
Alfred grimaced as Octavia answered her blue-haired companion, "I'm saying goodbye Vinyl. Considering how much you contributed to this escapade, I'd suggest you try some tact."
There was the muffled sound of a snort followed by, "OK, but don't take too long. Pinkie poked a hole in the box and I can't wait to see what it's like to fly."
Octavia rolled her eyes and whispered to Alfred, "She's afraid of heights."
"As commendable as your loyalty is, I must ask. Why do you continue to stick with that... individual?" Alfred tried to be polite and, through years of experience, managed to keep the trouble Vinyl had caused over the past few days out of his expression.
Octavia sighed and picked up her cello case.
"Have you ever known somepony who hides a deep good within themselves but, left alone, isn't that good for themselves."
Alfred's expression remained neutral.
"Vinyl just needs someone on her side. A friend, if you know what I mean."
"Yes, I do. Take care of her Miss Octavia, but don't forget to be good to yourself."
Octavia smiled at him and he couldn't resist bending down to give her a hug.
"Same to you Alfred," she whispered as he held her close.
Then she pulled back and started walking towards the edge of the island, shrinking all the way. When she got to the edge, she pushed her cello case over and turned to wave goodbye. Alfred returned the wave, and she jumped.
Taking a deep breath, Alfred walked around the edge of the table and picked up the box full of plastic toys. He couldn't resist giving an imperious look at the purple shades-wearing pony who just lay there grinning back, before closing the flaps of cardboard and sealing it shut.
As he placed the packing tape back into the drawer, relieved the messy menace to the manor cleanliness would no longer be troubling him, there came a knock at the door.
Alfred looked at the clock with a raised eyebrow. The second hand had just passed the 60-second mark and their visitor had arrived, just as predicted.
"Uncanny. How does she do it?" he whispered to himself as he picked up the box and stepped forward to greet the guest. They'd obviously surveyed the house before approaching the kitchen door.
Let us see how he handles this can of worms...
Superman had been pleased to see Wayne's butler, even though Alfred had merely responded to his greeting by presenting him with a plain, sealed cardboard box with the Wayne Manor address crossed out and a muttered, "Good luck," under his breath.
Now, as he flew through the clouds, the ocean under him and the box under his arm, he couldn't help but wonder what it was Bruce had entrusted to him.
Cutting through the cloud layer, he halted mid-flight as he felt something from inside the box.
Lifting up the box he peered at it for a second, the jet stream ruffling his hair and cape, before letting out a short, "Hmmm," and with a raised eyebrow, he continued his flight towards Metropolis.
If I didn't know better, I could have sworn that that white action figure with the purple shades and queasy expression... moved.
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To Cure Insanity Please Insert MORE Ponies
Chapter 6: The Bounty Hunter and the Super-Cute Bounty
Chapter 6: The Bounty Hunter and the Super-Cute Bounty
Space. The final frontier. The endless abyss. The formless void. A vast sea of stars with tremendous amounts of nothing in between... and one angry, alien dude riding through it on a spiky, space-fairing, rocket hog.
Lobo took one last swig of something from his can, which probably could have passed for rocket fuel anywhere else in the galaxy, crushed it against his head and flicked the flattened cylinder out into the universe.
“Yup, time for a refill. Woah baby! Say what?”
Suddenly, he reversed and inverted his ride to read the neon sign on a passing asteroid.
"'Vast riches of unimaginable value' blah-blah-blah 'bounty' blah-blah-blah 'bar'. Yeah, got it."
After making a short pit-stop, with booze and bounty claimed, he'd continue on his way to that dinky planet he planned on thrashing, stomping and all-around mulching.
Heck, with a bounty as big as it claimed to be, who's to say he couldn't afford some 'distractions' that might even afford that hapless world a night or two.
The bar was built into the side of an asteroid, neither of which was symmetrical. It might have resembled a hobbit-hole if it weren't sculpted from trash. An alien of unknown origin was passed out underneath the smashed, only window in the building.
Parking his ride, Lobo stepped towards the establishment. He cocked on eyebrow, and flared his nostrils, taking a long draw of the filthy, rarefied atmosphere surrounding the bar.
"Ahhhh. My kind of hole-in-the-wall."
So saying, he slammed open the door and made his entrance.
"Alright ya load of clad-luggin-"
He was cut off as every single alien in the bar wordlessly pointed towards the back of the bar. A mysterious figure, wearing a long flowing robe, stood up and waved, the oversized sleeves flapping comically.
Lobo gave a slow, suspicious, side-to-side glance across the dimly lit interior. Then he swaggered over to the bar and gestured to the octopoid bartender.
“Hey moron! I got some business to take care of. While I’m doing that, load me up with the strongest stuff you got.”
He made as if to walk away, but stopped and turned back.
“Hold it! Since you’re a moron, you probably misheard what I said as, “Bring me the strong stuff.” What I said was, “Load me up with the strongest. Stuff. You. Got. Don’t care if it’s safe, legal or edible. Capeesh?”
The bartender sighed and floated into the back room. As Lobo made his way over to the table and the mysterious robed figure, he saw, out of the corner of his eye, the tentacled bartender lugging crates of isotope-enriched freighter-fuel towards the front of the bar.
Before he sat down, Lobo grabbed a drink from a wimpy-looking alien’s table and downed it in one swig. It was weak and watery compared to what he was used to, but he couldn’t start a bounty negotiation without letting them know who they were dealing with.
Belching loudly, he sat down and put his feet up on the table.
"Take it you the dweeb in this place that's offering the major bounty."
"That's right Mr. Lobo. A super-giganormous bounty," The voice was a high-pitched female, although clearly pretending to be some sort of mysterious stranger with a low gravely voice.
Lobo picked his nose and then examined what he'd picked. It moved. He chewed and swallowed.
Probably some wayward princess trying to save her planet or reclaim her lost throne or some other garbage. Whoever or whatever she was, she wouldn't shut up; she just kept going. Lobo didn't care. He wasn't really listening, he was busy examining something he'd now extracted from his ear.
One more snack later, he cut in.
"Yeah whatever. Get the stuff. Big reward. Where's it at?"
"To find what you seek you must travel to a planet far-"
"Yeah, why don't we skip to the part where you tell me what planet, and how to find it, and I let you remain unventilated?" Said Lobo, casually unholstering his laser piece and pointing it at the robed figure. Lobo hated mysterious robed types. They never acted fazed in the slightest.
As he expected, they didn't even flinch, but merely extended their robe-obscured arm and dropped a small object on the table.
"Simply follow the magical enchanted stick of guide-iness and it will lead you to what you seek."
Lobo looked down at the common stick on the table, then back up at the robed idiot.
*BLAM*
A perfect hole appeared in the center of the robe but it was already deflating in the seat. Lobo stood up and picked up the empty robe.
"Man I hate these guys."
Balling up the robe he tossed it into the corner and was about to leave when he took a second look at the object. It was just a common stick, a little over twice the length of his hand.
Picking it up, he was about the throw it out like the robe, when it suddenly jerked in his hand and then, like a bloodhound on a scent, snapped around and practically dragged him back out of the bar to his rocket-cycle.
"All right, all right, sure. Show me the money ya dumb stick."
So saying, he chucked the stick into space, gunned his engine and rocketed after it.
As the magic stick and pursuing bounty hunter vanished into the inky black of space, he bit off the top of a container of freighter fuel and chugged the oily concoction.
Nothing signaled their departure from this quadrant but a loud belch that echoed out into the void.
The hunt had begun...
Several hours had passed since the Parasite had escaped from Star Labs and Rainbow and Applejack were still trying to calm the fears of Superman and the Professor.
Immediately after the Parasite had vanished Superman had done a Metropolis fly-over and X-Ray search, but found nothing. He surmised this meant Parasite was hiding somewhere lead-lined, probably the sewers.
Despite RD and AJ's assurances that Rarity could handle herself and it was Rudy who was actually in hot water, Professor Hamilton was still deeply worried about the situation. Superman, however, couldn't shake the Parasite's departing words out of his mind.
"What if I designed some sort of local ionic field generator that could saturate the atmosphere and detect field particle-flux abnormalities?" Suggested Hamilton, "If he absorbs any of the ambient ions, we might be able to detect him."
"That could work Professor. How long would it take to build?"
"I have most of the parts I would need. Calibration would probably take the most time. Maybe a day or two at the most?"
"Alright Professor, thank you for your help and I'm sorry this didn't turn out how we intended-"
"Yet." Cut in Rainbow, as Applejack rolled her eyes at the two of them.
"I'll start working on it. Meanwhile, you keep your eyes and ears peeled for any sign of him."
"Why don't ya trust us?" Asked AJ.
"I fail to see how you can remain so calm, considering your friend was just drained and kidnapped by a notorious criminal." Responded Hamilton, giving them a hard look.
"Pffft," Rainbow waved a hoof dismissively, "Do you know how many times that's happened to just her before?"
"Kidnapped: four times, magic stolen: twice, and personality corrupted: three times. Even more if you count the comics," said Pinkie popping up out of Superman's cape's pony-pocket.
"And you're OK with that?" Said Superman.
"Y'all don't know Rarity like we do," said Applejack, lying down on the table next to an oscilloscope, "That girl knows how to handle herself. I might not know how she'll do it, but I'm plenty confident she'll have that feller wrapped around her hoof before this afternoon."
"Evening," said Rainbow.
"Nuh-ah," replied Applejack, "Yah see that feller? He was simpler than them there diamond dogs."
"But he's got super parasite-powers."
"Well, they had 'er out numbered and she still licked 'em. This guy's all alone."
"I still say after noon."
"Well I say 'fore noon. Care to make it a wager?"
"What for?"
"Winner get's his right shoulder," said AJ, nodding towards Superman.
"You're on!"
While they argued, Hamilton had begun putting together a list of parts he'd need to build the ionic field locator apparatus.
"Let me know if there's any way I can help," said Superman, picking up the two ponies.
"I'll do that." Hamilton picked up his office phone to let his assistants know they would be busy for the rest of the day, while Superman headed for the door.
"... Come again?"
Superman stopped and turned at the sound of Hamilton's confusion. He shifted his focus from Metropolis to Hamilton's office and heard the assistant on the other end of the line respond.
'Yes Professor. He's outside, asking to be let in. What should I do?'
Superman spun around and stared, through the wall, to the front gate of Star Labs. Standing by the intercom was the Parasite, wearing a long overcoat and holding his hat in his hands.
"Is it some kind of trick?" Asked Hamilton, turning to Superman.
Before he could answer, Superman heard several exaggerated sighs from inside his cape.
Eyeing where his new pocket was, Superman considered for a second before responding.
"Give me a second to put on my lead suit, then clear the hallways and let him in."
Hamilton nodded and informed his assistant what to do while Superman got dressed.
Rudy stood by the gate. Part of him hoped they wouldn't let him in, while another part of him knew they thought it was a trick and planned on trapping him somehow, and still another part kept telling himself over and over that it was the right thing to do.
The walk he and Rarity had taken was the most beautiful, eye-opening, and mentally taxing walk Rudy had ever taken. It was a joy to watch as she unfolded the edges of his world wider, but it also scared him. Part of him was terrified that this pony was just another in the long line of those who'd tried to take advantage of him.
If only she wasn't in his head. She could see what he was thinking, but he could also clearly read what she thought about him, and it confounded and mystified him that nowhere in her mind could he see plans for using him. All he could see was pure generosity and a spark of hope that she really could help him.
Somehow that spark had drifted over to him and now here he was, turning himself back in to Star Labs.
At last the intercom crackled back to life. 'You can come in. The main entrance is unlocked. You want the third set of doors on your right. Continue down the hallway past radiology until you come to the end. They'll be waiting for you.'
"Thanks," he said, but the intercom had already shut off.
The gates swung open and Rudy stepped through. Star Labs grounds and main entrance were quiet as the grave.
Two normal thoughts passed through his head as he walked, followed by a third new one he would never have considered till Rarity showed up.
Yep, they probably cleared out the whole building for my arrival.
Bet this whole thing is a trap.
It's really quiet though...
The thought that his arrival had scared everyone into hiding caused him to pause.
Something Rarity had said rose, unbidden, to his mind, If all you do is take, then you close yourself off to the world. He looked around at the silent hallways, the empty rooms, a stark contrast to the world of people and places endlessly pouring out she'd shown him and he'd just left.
But all you did was observe. If you had removed that hat in the park, the same thing would have happened. I know this is difficult, but giving back what you've taken is the first step and I'm proud you've made it this far.
Rudy couldn't remember the last time someone had said they were proud of him. It cut through the silence like a hot knife and gave him the confidence to continue down the hallway, past radiology to a set of locked doors.
There was a beep and he pushed them open. In the room beyond he could see Professor Hamilton and the lead-suited Superman ready for anything.
He closed the door, removed the hat and coat and placed them on a nearby table, but not before removing Rarity from one of the pockets.
Then he sighed, his shoulders sagged and he gulped.
"Hi Professor, I'm-" he took a deep breath and focused on the encouraging look he could feel Rarity radiating towards him, "I'm willing to try a different viewpoint. I-" He winced and then mumbled, "I want to try giving and let the world sparkle around me."
Silence.
After several seconds, Rudy looked up.
Professor Hamilton's glasses drooped down his nose as they stared at him in shock. You could have driven a truck through the tunnels of their mouths.
"Shoulder's all mine!"
"Ah ponyfeathers!"
It had taken several minutes to convince the two of them he was serious. Thankfully, the recently revived Rarity figurine had helped convince them. But they still seemed to be mildly lost in a fog of confusion by the whole situation.
When Professor Hamilton asked what had happened to him, Rudy responded that he'd gone for a walk in the park and done some sightseeing. He'd privately enjoyed the slight eye-twitch this had elicited from the Professor.
"I have only two requests," he continued, "If I promise not to harm her, can I keep Miss Rarity? And I would really appreciate it if, when you lock me back up, you could give me a room with a window."
Hamilton readjusted his glasses, "What about the television?"
"Sure whatever, just- please let me have the window."
They looked at each other in consternation and then Hamilton nodded, "I guess that could work. Is... that all?"
"I don't want to press my luck Professor, but yeah, don't suppose I could have some paper and something to draw with? I really don't want to forget what I've seen today."
Rudy watched as another almost visible piece of their sanity broke off and landed on the floor. They both nodded vacantly back at him.
"I- I- I have no words," stuttered Hamilton as they walked back down the hallway.
They had managed to find another lockable room with a window that looked out across the fence towards Metropolis. Superman had made a quick stop to a nearby hobby shop for the requested art supplies and now they were just trying to comprehend what they'd witnessed.
"Did you see the way he was treating her?" He asked, referring to how Rudy had gently place Rarity on the windowsill before picking up the pencil and paper and staring out at the skyline.
"What could she have done to him?" Superman wondered out loud.
"That ain't the important part," said AJ from his right shoulder, "Did ya'll see his face? Weren't that the look'a somepony tryin' to get a better look at the world?"
"But how did she do it?!" Asked Hamilton.
"No idea," said Rainbow as she lay on his other shoulder, resting up against his neck, "For some reason you monkey creatures just have a real affinity for us. Go figure."
As they stepped outside, Superman turned to Professor Hamilton, "You will keep an eye on him, right?"
"Most certainly. I'm just as curious and confused by this development as you."
Levitating into the air, Superman waved goodbye to his friend. "I'm going to think this whole thing over. They stil-"
With a roar and a meaty *THUD* something slammed into the Man of Steel and he vanished over the fence as AJ and Rainbow remained where they were, floating in the air.
"WOAHH!" Shouted AJ as she fell. Thankfully, Rainbow caught her.
"How long did you stay on his shoulder, cowgirl?" She asked.
"Just as long as you," She replied as Rainbow's grin faded.
"What was that?" Asked Hamilton as he stared after the trail of smoke left behind.
"Reckon it's our next one?" Asked AJ.
"I'll follow them and find out."
"Together! We'll go find out together." Rainbow groaned and let AJ climb up onto her back before heading off, following the trail of smoke.
As he watched them go, Hamilton had a sudden thought about what might have struck Superman.
Oh-no... He thought as he considered the damage this could lead to.
Then again, out loud, "Ohh-noo." As he considered what kind of pony would dare face such a force of nature.
Meanwhile, several miles out from Metropolis, Superman was doubled over against the front of Lobo's ride, while Lobo casually greeted him like he was a friendly fly on the windshield.
"Hey! Imagine running into you here. So how's life been treatin' you?"
"Egghhh- could- be- better." Said Superman, pushing himself up from his position and trying to gain control of Lobo's vehicle.
"Yeah, so I was just flyin' by on a bounty for some dweeby princess or somethin' and what do ya know, my guide points me in your direction. I was hopin' to even the score you and I got going and here you're what the bounty's all about. Today's my lucky day."
"I- egghhh. Hate to disappoint you Lobo," cut in Superman, pushing his muscles to their maximum, "But I don't think I'm the one you're after."
"Nice try super-dude, but stick pointed straight at yah. No gettin' out'a this one." So saying, Lobo pulled what Superman had thought was a large toothpick out of his mouth and pointed at him.
The stick jumped out of his hand and started prodding Superman's cape.
"Eh? It wants yer butt?"
Lobo braked his bike and Superman would have gone flying forward if Lobo hadn't grabbed his cape, choking Superman in the process.
With the cape out of the way, the stick did it's best sign-post imitation straight towards Superman's pony-pocket-pouch, hanging by his side.
"Dang! It ain't him, it's what he got on 'im," groaned Lobo as Superman dangled from his grasp, still dazed. "Well, whatever it is, Lobo delivers."
Before Superman could stop him, Lobo grabbed the pouch off the Man of Steel, let go of his cape and, placing his hand on his head, slammed him down into the ground below.
Touching down on the roof of the nearest tall building, Lobo opened the pouch and stood there, staring down into it.
Immediately after he regained the ability to breath, Superman found himself slamming into the concrete below him. Groaning, he tried to regain his bearings, next thing he knew, someone was helping him pull himself out of the hole. As he emerged into the sunlight, he could see he was holding onto AJ's hoof, and Rainbow had his cape in her teeth.
"Thanks you two, did you see where Lobo went?"
"Ee'sh on 'a 'oof." Said Rainbow, still pulling.
"Good. I don't think he's going to approve of getting help from any of you. No offense." Said Superman as he floated the rest of the way out of the hole and picked both of them up. They shrank in his hands and he placed them back on his shoulders.
"Well, he ain't got much of a choice. Wait'll ye see who he got paired up with."
"That's what I'm worried about," he said, as he started to fly up towards the building.
Suddenly, there was a resounding thud, and Superman could swear he saw a pressure wave explode out from the top of the building. His eyes flew open and he let out a breath as a chill of terror ran down his spine.
Now the whole building seemed to be shaking and he could swear he heard lightning crackling from just over the top of-
As he came over the top of the building, Superman stopped in complete confusion at what he was seeing.
The pony pouch lay off to one side. Several ponies (all small) were sitting next to it staring at what was happening.
In the center of the building's roof stood Lobo, his rocket bike pushed to one side as he stared furiously at a little, pink-haired pegasus who was matching his stare perfectly.
The air around them seemed to be charged with fire and electricity and as he watched, Superman saw the roof underneath them crack and buckle as a crater began to form underneath them.
"Popcorn?" said someone and Superman turned to see the pink one offering him a paper container.
"What's going on here?!" He asked, gesturing to the two.
"Oh, well when I told old Loby that the bounty, 'vast riches of unimaginable value', and Fluttershy were all one in the same he got all super angry and stuff. But then Fluttershy stepped forward and challenged him to a staring contest. This is super exciting!"
Superman's eyes darted between the pink lunatic and... whatever was happening in front of them.
"All right Lobo, that's enough." He darted forward to grab the alien. However, even though Lobo appeared to be completely focused on staring the little pony down, it was Superman who never saw the backhand coming.
He went somersaulting backwards head over heal as... whatever it was that was happening, continued.
Getting back up, Superman pushed his cape back behind him and started walking towards them. However, this time it wasn't Lobo who stopped him. The yellow pegasus who was staring down Lobo appeared to be violently flickering between sizes as electricity crackled around them, wind from nowhere whipping her hair behind her, and every so often a twitch from her or Lobo would cause the crater to sink down further with a loud *BOOM*. Just as Superman was within reaching distance of Lobo, her eyes flicked towards him for barely a second, and he went careening back once again.
The building shuddered underneath them, and Superman sat up, shocked at the intensity of the little mare's stare.
With a loud *CRACK* Superman felt something in the abandoned building give out, and he grabbed the watching ponies and stuffed them back into the pouch before taking to the air. Below, he could see Lobo and a hovering, full-sized pegasus continue staring at each other as the building began to collapse around them.
As he watched, Lobo's bike toppled over the edge, then the left side of the building crumbled. Only the crater the two were standing in remained in one piece. With a crunch and a crashing-scraping noise, the piece the two were on began to fall towards the ground.
Grabbing Rainbow, Superman shoved AJ and the pouch into her hooves and then dived into the falling building. Crumbling wood and bricks were all around him as he supported the cratered concrete on his shoulders. The battle of wills continued above him unabated, however one of the combatant's eyes was beginning to twitch.
Finally, it was all over.
Where once had stood a dilapidated building, there was now a lot, filled with rubble.
Where once had been a hero, desperately trying to save two blind combatants, there was now a head, sticking up through a hole in the cratered concrete.
Where once two mighty wills had done battle, now stood one victorious. Lobo lay back against his bike, breathing heavily and giving the gentle-looking pony a raised eyebrow.
Superman coughed as the dust settled and looked around.
Lobo stood up and chuckled as he rested his foot on Superman's head.
"Don't know where you found this crazy chick," he said, grinning, "But if she can match me stare for stare, I wanna see what else she's got up her sleeves."
The pony looked down at her hooves before innocently responding, "Ummm... I'm not wearing any sleeves."
Lobo grabbed the pony who let out a soft 'eep' and straddled his bike once again.
"See ya later dude. I'm out'a here."
The pegasus looked from Lobo to Superman before giving the Man of Steel a gentle smile, "Don't worry Superman. I'll be back."
With that, Lobo donned a pair of dark glasses and with a blast of fire and smoke the alien's ride shot up into the sky, a pink mane and tail streaming out behind.
There was a flapping of wings and Rainbow touched down next to Superman's head. She set the pouch down next to him, and he coughed, the cloud of dust settling.
He looked around at the rubble around them, and then at Rainbow with a helpless expression.
"What just happened!?"
