Chapters I was a pony now, even in my dreams.
I was very cartoony and out of place in the real world. I dreamt that I was back in the city I used to live in as this anxious blue pony. I was standing on the corner looking at my human self as people passed by. I couldn't help but smile as I saw myself laying down and sleeping on the sidewalk, all my possessions next to me as I slept. I was dirty and smelly, with my hair a tangled mess. Bone thin, teeth rotten, skin gray, face covered in sores. I was almost excited to see him, myself. That was not the life I would live anymore.
"Having fun lying in the street?" I asked in my new squeaky voice.
“Get away from me,” The old me mumbled.
I made a wide grin at that. The human version of me was probably high, as per usual. That version of me was going to be dead within a year, tops. But, that wasn’t my problem. “I feel so sorry for you,” I told my human self.
“I feel sorry for you,” he told me.
I wasn’t expecting that response, but I humored him. “And why is that?”
“Cause I get to get high! ” he said, suddenly raising his arms in the air in excitement, then dropped them back down. He turned to look at me and said with a smile, “Get high before I die!”
I shook my head in mock sadness at that. “I pity you,” I told him.
“I pity you , pony me,” he answered back.
Okay, that was unnerving. There was no way he could know who I was, even in a dream. “How did you know I was you?” I asked, trying to hide my surprise.
“Cause I know what I look like, dude,” he told me, his speech ever so slightly slurred. “You think I don’t know what I look like, especially when I’m high?”
"I think you're mistaken," I told him. "You may be high, but I'm not."
"I know I'm high, and pony me is high, too."
"I think you're delirious."
"If you say so," he said, and turned to go back to sleep.
And now, a feeling of dread was creeping up on me. I felt like this dream was about to become a nightmare. “I’m not high,” I told him matter of factly.
“Yes, you are,” he told me, turning back to face me, saying it as though it was the most obvious thing in the world.
“I most certainly am not,” I said definitively. “I know what I’m like when I’m high, and I’m nowhere near where I've been before or what I see in you.”
“Why do you think you're a pony?” he questioned me, then answered for me. “Cause you're high. You were high when you made this wish. Probably OD’d, and now you're in some fever dream.” With that, he turned over once more to go back to sleep. “Probably gonna die soon,” he mumbled to me.
I sat up quickly, gasping for air. I was still on the hill I, my body, stopped on. It was the middle of the night, the sky illuminated with stars. My blue-coated pony body was shaking harder than it was when I tried to go into the forest, and tears were already streaming down my cheeks. My pony body was upset and afraid, but my human mind was panicking.
"How could I be so stupid?" I thought, on the verge of hyperventilating. "I was high when I made this wish! I could be lying in the street right now- OVERDOSING AND DYING! "
I suddenly bit down on my pony leg. Hard. Hard enough to bleed. My pony body let out a choked sob, but I kept biting down, now desperate to get out of this dream, desperate to get out of what might have been some sort of drug induced coma.
I bit down so hard that my teeth went completely though, the tops and the bottoms once again able to touch each other. I picked another spot on the same leg and desperately bit down again. Nothing came from it except more loud sobs and pain. I wasn’t waking up.
My panic was slipping away, being replaced by fear, and my pony body took over my emotions. It sobbed, I sobbed, at the thought of my body lying in the street in a coma, people passing by, not caring. I desperately hoped that someone would pass by and shake me awake. I didn’t want to die. I did not want to die. I might not have cared about that before, but I suddenly cared now. I didn't want to die. I prayed to God that I would wake up. I promised that if I just woke up, I’d never use drugs again.
“That’s a lie and you know it,” my human mind said to me.
“No it’s not!” I pleaded desperately. “I just want to wake up! I just want to go home…”
“Really?” my human mind snapped at me, angry. “You want to go home? Back to your miserable life? So you can wake up and think that you just overdid it and get high again? There is nothing there for you. You’re here now, and you’re not going to die, so snap out of it!”
There was nothing there for me.
That was true. There was nothing there for me. But still, I didn’t want to die. I’d rather go back to the real world and live my pathetic life than die now. At least then there would still be hope that I could change my life. Hope I wouldn’t have if I died here.
“Stop it!” my human mind told me. “You’re not going to die! It was a nightmare. That’s it. You’re not even high.”
I forced my pony body to quiet its sobs, myself to calm down. I had to think. Was I high? I didn’t feel high. Despite my mental breakdown, my head felt clear enough. While I was in a TV show, it wasn’t heavily distorted like I would expect if this was a delusion. Things made sense, and my body felt real. I was afraid of dying, whereas high me normally wouldn’t bat an eye. That was good, but was I high when I made this wish? Actually, it didn’t matter. If I was, I was either overdosing and about to die, or, more likely, already dead. If the former, I’d just wake up and go back to my pathetic life. This was all fake, so nothing mattered. If the latter, then this was a sort of reincarnation? But I did just sort of pop into existence here. Which, in my human mind, didn’t make that much sense.
I started to calm back down again, feeling embarrassed by my brief breakdown. The most likely explanation felt to me like my wish was granted and I was here for real. Which would explain the whole ‘popping into existence’ thing. Of course, only a high mind could come up with “I wish to be a pony in Equestria”, which gave more credence to me just being overdosed. Which meant I might be going back to being a homeless junkie. But I tried to force that thought out of my head. I didn’t want to give either my human mind or pony body any material to work with to go back to the state I was in just a few minutes prior.
I tried to focus on what I should do. I was here right now, which meant, at the very least, a brief escape from real life. Of course, a brief escape also featured a higher risk of death in an attempt to recreate this experience, but that was a problem for later, if such a problem even existed. Even if it was brief, I couldn’t know that for sure . I had to assume that I would be here permanently, and take appropriate measures. Find a house. Get a job. Be a productive member of society. Make the most of this opportunity to start over. Don’t be a junkie . I was not going to screw up my chance to start over.
I was finally calm. I wasn't going to die. Even if I was, there was nothing I could do about it. Take time to appreciate being here now. Don't have another mental breakdown . This could be a new opportunity for me. Don't screw it up. I might not get a third chance.
So with that, I lay back down, my pony body still slightly shaking, shivering out a few tears. As I fell back to sleep, my human mind, while not as ecstatic as it was before, was still content with the opportunity ahead.
While the rest of my sleep was thankfully dreamless, my pony body woke up with eyes still wet with fresh tears. I breifly wondered why my front leg was in pain and looked down to see the two bite marks left in them, caked in grass and dirt, some of the skin beneath my coat hanging by threads.
“Oh, Yeah. That. Oops,” my human mind thought, slightly ashamed of its panic last night, as my pony body started to cry silently at the awful looking injury. “Come on, come on, come on,” my human mind tried to tell it. “We’ve got to get moving. We’re wasting daylight .”
But my body stayed put. It wasn’t ready to leave. I could feel its sadness and pain and fear, feeling it work its way into my thoughts, making me upset. I felt alone and scared and didn’t know what to do. I mean, I knew in theory, but did I really ? All I was doing was walking around, not knowing where I was going. I was hungry and tired and in pain and afraid. I was afraid. I’d only been here a day, and yet, I was actually afraid of being here. Why I was afraid, I didn't really understand.
I cried for a minute, but just for a minute. One minute. After that, my human mind gently nudged me. “We have to get going,” it said patiently, as if talking to a small child. So, after a longer than expected rest, I stood up, wiping my tears on my legs, and walked down the hill I stopped on, heading towards the forest ahead.
Or, at least, that was the plan. I hadn’t counted on tripping and falling down the thing. By the time I was at the bottom, my pony body was understandably a mess of tears. One of my hooves was in pain, twisted and pinned under me, and the leg with bite marks now had a sizeable patch of coat and skin missing from it, it being ripped off during the tumble. My mane was now a tangled mess, my coat full of dirt… and that forest still lay ahead of me, waiting to be entered.
“Help!” I screamed in a squeaky voice. I looked around desperately for someone to answer, but no answer came. “Somebody help me!” I cried louder as I shut my eyes. Still, nobody answered. “Please,” I begged, crying loudly, but no one was coming.
I wanted at that moment to be home, and this time my human mind didn't argue. As pathetic as my life was, at least at home I could be high and delirious. Here, my drug-free mind was forced to be focused on my current state. After the initial excitement of being in Equestria, all I’d been was hungry, thirsty, nervous, panicked, fearful, anxious, lonely, and in pain. I was starting to regret my wish after just a day.
That guy was definitely a genie. Genies always pulled things like this. You wish for one thing, and you get what you asked for in the most twisted way possible. I wanted to be a pony in Equestria, not in this small, anxious body in the middle of nowhere. But, of course, I didn’t specify that, and he took advantage of it. He was probably watching me suffer right now, getting some kind of sick pleasure from it. If I saw him again, I'd give him a piece of my mind.
"We can't stay here," I told my pony body. It was still crying loudly, still shaking like it seemed to be doing ever since I got here. "There's no help here," I said to it. "We need to find someone to help us."
Slowly, very slowly, I stood up. The leg that was pinned under me felt bad. The hoof was definitely twisted, but probably not broken. It was already starting to swell though, which did nothing to comfort me. But still, I had to get moving. There was no one out here, and my top priority right now was getting help.
As I very slowly limped into the forest, I began to hope that this was the forest that the mane six always seemed to be in. If I could find one of them, or anybody really, I would be helped in no time, and I'd probably get to meet Twilight Sparkle. Of course, my money was on this being just some random forest, and even if not, my odds of stumbling into somebody out of the blue were pretty low.
The forest was actually fairly tranquil and nice, and my human mind might have appreciated it had my pony body not been so injured and afraid. I saw a few birds here, a rabbit there. The sunlight on the trees cast elegant shadows on the forest floor. It had a calming effect on me, and eventually made me stop shaking.
I trudged on for a couple of hours, my breaks being much more frequent than yesterday because of my limp, before I came upon a small stream. I was excited to see it, suddenly remembering how thirsty I was, and my human mind tried to rush towards it. However, my pony body declined, opting instead to limp slowly to its edge.
As I slowly drank from the stream, I tried to remember the last time I had water. Certainly not in a long while. My sickly, drugged up human body instead preferred soda, and alcohol the few times I could get my hands on it. It had been so long that I couldn't even remember what water tasted like. It had a slightly sweet, clean taste to it, the kind that made even my human mind long for home for a second.
But for just one second. At home, I was sick and drugged up. Although my pony body was damaged here, it wasn't in the poor state my human body was. Although my human mind was made more anxious and afraid by being in this body, its thinking was clear here, unlike in my human body. My human mind remembered that home sucked, and that, even my current state, it was far better here than being there in my human body.
The stream was moving slow enough for me to examine myself. I saw that I had dark green eyes, which were red and puffy from my crying. My coat was dirty, part of it sprinkled in blood from my bites. The bites themselves didn’t look too bad, but I looked away from them quickly out of the shame of what I had done to myself. I once again got the impression that I was small, much smaller than normal. So much so that I began to wonder if I was even in a stallion's body. Maybe I was in a child’s body? That would create problems, more problems than I’d have if I were in an adult body, but it would also explain some things better, like why I had such a nervous disposition here.
"Maybe nervousness is your natural state," my human mind thought.
"No," I thought back. "I'm not a naturally nervous person."
"How would you know? You spent the last several years of your life drugged up and delirious. Maybe now that your clean, your returning to your natural state."
I hated that thought. I didn't like the idea of being a naturally anxious person. I tried to remember. Was I like this when I was a child? I didn't think so, but I could easily have been mistaken. That was so long ago, and even in my clean pony body, my drug use still had an effect on my human mind.
"No," I tried to convince myself. "I'm not an anxious person. This pony body is making me anxious." I was not an anxious person. I was not.
With that, me and my pony left the stream and continued to limp through the forest, moving much more slowly than my human mind would have liked. I had to keep taking frequent breaks due to the pain from my limp, or just plain weariness. Walking all day was tiring me out and making me frustrated. I found myself desperately wishing I could move faster, wishing that I hadn’t fallen down that hill. I wished my pony body would have just gone through this forest yesterday, especially considering that there was nothing here . My pony body got itself worked up over nothing . If I would have gone through yesterday, I might not have had bite marks in my leg or a limp as I walked. It was especially frustrating because I began to feel like the forest wasn’t that big. What might have taken a healthy stallion a couple of hours to cross was taking me so much longer. So long that, before I knew it, the sun was once again setting, and night was falling. However, eventually, just before dusk, I saw a sight that made my damaged pony body sigh in relief. In the distance, just beyond the trees, was a clearing, and beyond that, a town.
Once again, my human mind tried to run, and once again, my damaged pony body declined. It opted instead to find a tree to lay down under, now too tired to be afraid of being in this forest at night, especially since we were only at its edge. My human mind, while frustrated at the thought of being so close to someone who could help me, gave in. My pony body had been limping all day and was nearly exhausted. Even though its fear kept me from getting here sooner, it still deserved to rest for a little while.“Just a few minutes,” I thought. “Just a quick nap, then we’re getting up again,” I told myself as I closed my eyes and quickly fell asleep.
I remembered one time, in eighth grade, a police officer came into our school and talked to us about D.A.R.E. The acronym stood for Drug Abuse Resistance Education, and was supposed to make us resist drugs and alcohol by telling us how bad they were and how they'd kill us. Apparently, I didn't ever get the memo, because less than five years later, I was lying in the street, homeless, desperate for money so I could get high again.
I always wished I could say that my life fell apart because my parents were drug addicts, or I was in a bad neighborhood, or I was prescribed the wrong thing by my doctor, or I was pressured into it. In reality, though, I was just an idiot. I started using because I thought I was immune to addiction and just didn't care. Sure, other people could get addicted, but I couldn't. I was just having a little fun every once in a while. I wasn't going to turn into one of those homeless junkies I saw every day. There was no way I would. I had a mental resistance to that sort of thing. Or so I thought. The joke was on me because drugs didn't care what I thought or believed. In the blink of an eye, my life had fallen to pieces.
I first started using when I was a freshman in high school. A little while after that, I dropped out, and another year later my parents kicked me out. Shortly after that, I was kicked out of the homeless center because of my drug use. I went to the street, living with people who had no problem entertaining me and my drug use. Within five years, I’d gone from a straight A’s student with a bright future to indistinguishable from the rest of the junkies I’d lived on the street beside.
My warped mind went from convincing itself that it didn't have a problem, to admitting it had a problem and just not caring about it. To the old me, life couldn’t get any better. I didn’t have a job, I didn’t have to pay rent, I even got free drug money from my new career in begging. I was actually proud to be homeless. I knew I had a problem, but I didn’t want help. I just didn’t care. I wasn’t going to change, and nothing was going to make me. I wanted to be this way. Even if I was going to die early, it would be worth it cause at least I’d get to be high while I died. I was ruining my life, and I knew it, and I just didn’t care .
“I’m not going to ruin my life again,” I thought as my pony body woke up. I was still tired from the previous day, and my hunger was starting to become painful after almost two days without food. My bites looked a touch worse than they did yesterday, and the hoof I’d twisted felt much worse. It felt swollen and stiff, and putting pressure on it made tears start to form.
I hated these tears, and hated how much they came the previous day. Even if I was in a child’s body, a colt's body, and even if I was in pain, it cried entirely too much. It was making me upset. No child I knew cried this much.
“We’re going to have to push through it ,” I told my pony body. “I know it hurts, but we’re close to finding help. We don’t have that much farther to go.”
My pony body didn’t put up a fight. It was too weary and hungry to attempt to. I limped along the rest of the way through the forest, and by the time I made it to the clearing, I was weeping silently from the pain in my hoof, not to mention my stomach.
“Stop that!” my human mind demanded of me. “Stop crying! If we’d gone through this forest yesterday, you wouldn’t be so hungry, and you might not have injured your hoof.”
“I’m sorry! I was just-”
“Just what? Were scared? There wasn't even anything to be scared of in that forest. We could’ve been here ages ago, but your uselessness held us back!”
I stopped for a moment, looking ahead at the town in front of me, still silently crying. "I'm sorry I'm so useless," I whispered to myself, then started to limp ahead again.
It was still night, but slowly the moon went down and dawn started to break in as I limped across the clearing and into the town. I couldn’t tell where exactly I was, but I could tell that it wasn’t Ponyville or Canterlot or anywhere familiar. It was just some random town somewhere in Equestria. Which was okay, certainly better than nothing. All I needed right now was to find someone to help me.
I limped to what I judged to be the center of the small town and lay down to wait, too tired to continue. Eventually, someone would stumble upon me and help me I figured. And I was correct. No sooner than when I closed my eyes to go back to sleep did a green mare with a pink mane shake me to wake me up.
“Are you okay?” she asked me softly, getting down to eye level.
“Do I look okay to you?” my human mind thought
“No…,” I whispered, tears starting to form again.
“What’s wrong?”
“Can’t you see my swollen hoof and dirty coat?”
I shakily lifted my front leg to show her where I bit myself.
I saw her go wide-eyed at the sight of it. “Oh my,” she said quietly, then quickly turned her head and called out, “I need some help!” She looked back at me and stroked my mane, seeming like she wanted to cry. “You’re going to be okay,” she said while I continued to sniffle out tears.
I was definitely a child, a colt. Either that, or this mare was impossibly large. Not to mention, I didn’t imagine her stroking a stallion’s mane to comfort them. Although, being in a colt’s body did make me feel better about my lack of control over my emotions of late. It wasn’t me that was crying, it was this colt’s body that was crying. At least, that’s what I told myself.
Still, being a colt would definitely be a problem. I no longer could just make up a story and have everyone accept it as true. They would want a reasonable explanation from me, an explanation that I wouldn’t be able to provide. They’d want to know where I lived, who my parents were, how I’d gotten hurt, why I was alone. I doubt they’d be satisfied with “I don’t know”, or the vague answers I’d originally planned on giving them. This was going to get complicated.
But I would work on that later. For now, I allowed this green mare to stroke my mane in an attempt to comfort my pony body. Before I knew it, I was being picked up and placed on the back of someone else, somepony else, and being galloped off to what I assumed to be a hospital. I listened to their conversation as they galloped.
“You just found him lying there?” the one who’s back I was riding on, a stallion, asked.
“Yes!” the mare told him. “He was just lying there sleeping on the ground! The poor thing was probably lost in that forest for days.”
“I am not a poor thing,” my human mind thought.
“I wonder where his parents are…”
“Probably at home thinking about how much fun they had kicking me to the street.”
“How did he get those bite marks?”
I don’t know why, but them wondering about my bite marks made me realize my situation. I was a child! I wanted a second chance at life, but not as a child. I knew me, and I knew I would screw it up. I knew my human mind would just fall into the same traps as before, thinking, “Well, I’ve got time to fix myself.” I didn’t want to have any excuse to go back to the way I lived. This was going to be a mess.
My teeth began to chatter. I was starting to hate the guy who granted my wish. He could have given me what I was sure he knew I meant, but instead opted to put me in the worst possible position. Why stick me in Ponyville when he could stick me in the middle of nowhere? Why not also put me in this dumb anxious body so I could be an emotional wreck and hurt myself? And while he was at it, why not make me a colt so I could have all the time in the world to convince myself to make the same stupid decisions I did before? I hated the position he put me in.
“It’s going to be alright,” the green mare told me, hearing my chattering teeth. “We’re almost there.”
The next thing I knew, we were entering a bright building. "The hospital," my human mind thought. I’d been in the hospital several times before, always with bad intentions. Being here now made me reflexively scratch my face with my hoof.
Despite my injuries not being life-threatening, I was seen immediately, mostly due to a lack of other patients. The pony seeing me, a unicorn, introduced himself as Doctor Night, and the mare told him how she and her stallion friend, who I learned were named Herbal Essence and Thundertail, found me injured and sleeping on the ground in the middle of the town. She said how they didn’t know my name or how old I was, but thought it looked like I’d been sleeping outside for several days. Although in reality, unbeknowst to them, it was more like months.
Doctor Night took my height and weight, commenting that he thought I might be malnourished. He took my blood pressure and temperature, and said I might be getting sick from sleeping outside. He checked my eyes, ears, mouth, everything besides my actual injuries , before he started asking me questions.
“Do you have a name, lad?” he asked.
I debated for a second whether or not to give them my real name or make up a pony sounding name, before deciding to go with the former. I figured my real name sounded pony enough.
“Leo,” I whispered.
“What a nice name,” Doctor Night said politely. “Do you know how old you are, Leo?”
I shook my head no at that. I was tempted to say my real age, but figured I might hold off on being thought of as crazy.
“That’s fine,” he told me. “Do you know where your parents are?”
“No,” I said quietly, looking down at the floor.
“Do you know how you got here?”
“Not really,” I said, teary-eyed. “I remember walking, and then they found me,” I told him, gesturing to the pair.
“You know good and well how you got here,” my human mind thought. “Your poor decision making and drug-filled lifestyle got you here.”
“Okay…” he trailed off.
I watched as he wrote on his clipboard, and suddenly got the feeling I was being interrogated. “There was a meadow with yellow flowers, and then a forest,” I added, scratching my face.
“And you walked through it?” he asked. “Did you hurt yourself there, Leo?”
I nodded, holding up the leg I’d bitten.
“That must have hurt,” he said, trying to sound sympathetic as he examined it briefly. “Did you bite yourself, Leo?”
Of course, he knew I bit myself. He was a doctor. Besides, I was a colt. If something else bit me, chances were I wouldn’t have gotten away. Still, I shook my head in denial.
“Do you know what did bite you?” he asked. I shook my head no again, and he continued, “Well, in that case, we might need to give you a rabies shot just in case.”
I scratched at my face again.
"Did you get hurt anywhere else?"
“My hoof,” I told him, lifting my injured hoof.
He examined it, moving it around slightly to examine it, and noted my reaction as I winced. “Your fetlock isn't broken,” he said, “but I can’t say for certain it’s not fractured. We’ll have to get you some x-rays to be sure. In the meantime, I think we’re going to have you admitted.”
“Seems like there’s very low criteria for admittance here,” I thought. “Maybe it’s because there’s no other patients.”
“Did you want us to stay with him?” the mare, Herbal Essence, asked him.
“Do you want them here with you, Leo?” Doctor Night asked me.
“Not particularly,” my human mind suddenly thought.
“What?” I asked it, surprised. “Why not?”
“Because I’m not a child, and I’m not in the mood to be treated like a child.”
“Yes, please,” I told the doctor quietly.
“Of course you said yes,” my human mind said, annoyed.
“Okay,” he said, turning around and opening a cabinet with his magic. “Now, before we get you a room, let’s get that rabies shot out of the way.”
I scratched at my face once again at the sight of his syringe. He took notice of this and put the syringe down. “Is your face itching?” he asked, as he made his way back to me.
“No,” I lied unconvincingly while continuing to scratch.
He used his magic to hold my hoof in place, stopping me from scratching as he examined both sides of my face. “I don’t see anything, but you might have gotten an irritant in your coat. Are you itching anywhere else?”
I shook my head at him. I knew why I was scratching. It was the syringe. It made my face itchy. Or rather, not having it made my face itchy. Just being in this hospital was making me itchy. Even in this drug-free pony body, my human mind was still an addict. This was going to be unbearable.
“I’ll get you something for that itch after we get you to your room. Until then, just try not to scratch.”
It took all of my will power not to scratch when he picked up the syringe again.
It wasn’t much later before I was set up with a room as an inpatient. After my rabies shot, which my human mind was not going to admit was unnecessary, I was taken to the room where I'd be staying and sat on the bed. It was clean, white, sterile, and just reeked of the smell of a hospital. In there, Doctor Night wrapped my hoof and ankle in a simple-looking bandage, telling me it might be cast if x-rays saw a fracture. Then he started to work on where I’d bitten myself, noting all of the dirt and grass caked in it. All the while, I tried to ignore the fact that my itchiness felt like it was getting worse.
“I’m going to have to scrub the grime off of it,” he told me as he used his magic to pick up a sponge. “It’s going to hurt a bit.”
He lied. It didn’t just hurt a bit, it hurt a lot . It was nearly as painful now while he scrubbed as it was when I’d first bitten myself.
“Can’t you please be more gentle?” my human mind thought as he roughly scrubbed my wounds. Predictably, my colt body started to cry at the pain, and this itch that I tried not to scratch.
Herbal Essence saw my tears, and I felt her begin to stroke my mane. “I don’t need your comfort!” my human mind wanted to snap at her, but my pony body’s tears kept it from doing so. Instead, I continued to cry at the pain, letting her stroke my name, completely fed up with my crying already. And this itchiness!
“It’s going to be okay,” she whispered to me. "You're going to be okay."
“Whatever did this ripped the skin right off,” Doctor Night commented as he was examining the wound, now finished with his brutal scrubbing. “It’s a miracle you were able to get away.”
“Oh, that’s just awful!” Herbal Essence said.
“Tough little guy,” Thundertail spoke to me, shaking my mane lightly.
“Yeah, right,” I thought as I scratched at my face.
“It’s looking a bit infected. I’m going to have to clean it with alcohol,” the doctor said. He then looked at me seriously. “This is going to burn,” he told me.
“Do you have anything for this itching?” I asked teary-eyed, not concerned by the thought of alcohol touching my wounds.
He looked at me like he’d just remembered that. “Let me get something,” he said quickly and left the room off to somewhere.
“You idiot!” I thought to myself. “Why would you ask that? Are you really that weak? Do you really not care?”
I hated myself for what I’d just asked for. To the three of them, it probably just sounded like I wanted itch cream for my face. But I knew good and well what I meant when I asked that question, and I hated myself for it. Three days into my second chance at life, and I was already screwing it all up. I cried at that thought, and I hated myself for that, too. And I hated this itchiness!
Seeing my tears, Herbal Essence put her arms around me to hug me, but I pushed her away. “Don’t touch me!” I told her bitterly, then closed my eyes and aggressively scratched at my face.
“I know its hard,” Thundertail said, grabbing my hoof and gently pinning it to the bed, “but you have to stop scratching. The doctor will be back any second. It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not going to be okay!” I choked out.
Herbal Essence once again put her arms around me to hug me, and this time I didn’t push her away. I didn't want her to hug me, but I didn't stop her. “It’s going to be okay,” she whispered to me.
“Of course you think it’s going to be okay,” my human mind thought. “You don’t even know anything about me.”
A few seconds later, Doctor Night came back in with a jar of white cream that he, upon seeing my condition, quickly lathered into my face. "Does that feel better?" he asked me.
"A little," I whispered, still crying, hating myself for my weakness. I hated how little self-control I had, and I hated even more knowing it wasn’t this pony body’s fault. And a small part of me hated the fact that I knew I just had to deal with it. That small part of me already wanted to just give up. Over almost nothing . I knew if part of me wanted to give in now over just this itchiness, then the future wouldn’t bode well for me.
Almost as bad as the itchiness were my tears. I hated these ugly, disgusting tears. They automatically made these ponies sympathetic of me when I didn't want their sympathy. I didn't want to be told that it was okay, I wanted to be told that it wasn't okay. I wanted to be told to just tough it out, that if a little itchiness was what I had to go through to get to the other side, then so be it. I did not want to be enabled, and I hated them for trying to.
"They're not trying to enable you," I tried to tell myself. "They don't know anything about you. They're just trying to comfort you."
"They should know better!" my human mind said. "If they don't know anything, they shouldn't say anything!" .
"Stop it," I said. "This is your own fault. Your poor decision making put you in this position. You can't take that out on other ponies."
I took a few deep breaths, trying to stop myself from being upset. I was going to be okay. They weren't trying to enable me, and even if they were, it wouldn't mean anything because there was nothing here for me to be enabled into using. I was going to be fine. I wasn't going back to my old life. Even if I was weak, it didn't matter because I was here now. I was going to be fine.
The doctor once again started working on my bites, gently cleaning it with alcohol, making them burn painfully like he said it would. While the alcohol in my wounds did make me wince, it combined with the cream on my face made me start to forget about my itchiness. Or maybe there really was something in my coat and I was overreacting.
Once he was done with that, I watched as he grabbed something out of the cabinet above him, making my itchiness quickly come back. “Don’t scratch. Don’t scratch. Don’t scratch,” I told myself as he pulled out two small bottles of pills. He pulled one out of each, one a red and yellow capsule and one a white tablet, and held them close to my mouth, expecting me to open. “What are they for?” I asked, wiping away my tears and resisting the urge to scratch. I was particularly interested in the tablet.
“They’re to make you feel better,” he said. “This one,” he explained as he held up the tablet, “will help better with that itching, as well as any pain in your hoof. This one,” he said, holding the capsule, “is an antibiotic for your bites to keep them from getting infected.”
I knew what antibiotics were, and wasn't concerned about it. However, I was concerned about the tablet. If it was for hoof pain, I wasn’t going to take it. Even though I’d basically asked for this just a few minutes ago, I was going to put that moment of weakness behind me and be strong now. It might have been nothing more than Ibuprofen, but I wasn’t taking any chances. “I don’t have any hoof pain,” I lied, my eyes still wet.
“Are you sure?” he asked me.
“Yes you do,” my human mind said. “Why turn it down? It’s probably nothing. I doubt a doctor would give a colt addictive substances.”
“It’s for hoof pain,” I said. “I’ll tough it out. Besides, weren’t you the one saying you didn’t want comfort?”
“It would be so easy. None of these ponies know. Besides, it wasn’t like he said it was opiates or codeine or something. He probably gives this to all his patients.”
“I’m fairly confident none of his patients are drug addicts who quit using literally three days ago. I'm not taking any chances.”
“I’m sure,” I told him as I kept my hoof on the bed to stop me from scratching.
“Okay,” he said as he gave me the capsule to take and put the tablet back in the bottle, putting both bottles back in the cabinet. "Just let me know if you need it.” He paused, and asked, “How long has it been since you've eaten, Leo?"
I shrugged. I hadn't eaten anything since I had been here, and I couldn't remember the last time my human body ate. It had been quite a while, and I remembered how hungry I was.
"Let me step out to get you something," he told me as he wrapped up my bites. He then looked to the two who found me. "Can you come with me?" he asked them.
"This is the part where they say I'm crazy," I thought as the three stepped out. “Or an abuse victim. Which isn’t technically wrong. They’d just be wrong about who did the abusing.”
As I waited for them to return, I tried to figure out what would happen to me. I was a colt, so I couldn't just live on my own. I would probably be put in foster care, or whatever the Equestrian equivalent was. Or maybe I'd just be given to the care of the couple who found me. That felt like a distinct possibility. I did know that living on the street would be unacceptable to them, which was a slight benefit of being as young as I now was. It would guarantee that I would be taken care of.
Before that though, I'd probably be interviewed by some social worker or therapist. I got the feeling that the doctor thought I was traumatized by something and ran away, and would call the pony equivalent of child protective services to figure out what. Not that I would tell them my problems. They wouldn't understand. I didn't think there were that many ponies who abused drugs.
I would tell Twilight Sparkle my problems, or Starlight Glimmer, oranyone I could identify , but that would require going to Ponyville or Canterlot or the Crystal Empire, which, at that point, seemed like an impossibility. For now, I was stuck here as a colt, subject to the whims of those who found me. Besides, even if I was a stallion, I couldn't leave from here because I didn't have any idea where anything was.
The three came back to me a few minutes later with a small tray of food and set it in front of me. I was disappointed to see that it contained sliced apples, carrots, oatmeal, and hay . I didn't like any of the foods in front of me, and would definitely notbe eating hay. I realized that finding food I liked here would be a challenge. However, even if I did like what I saw, there was a problem.
"How am I supposed to pick the food up?" I asked.
The three looked at me with surprise on their faces. It was like I asked them how to blink. "You can't use magic?" Doctor Night asked me seriously.
"No, I don't know how," I said innocently.
He picked up his clipboard and wrote something down. "That's interesting," he said. "We'll get somepony to work on that with you."
"Great," I thought. "Now they think I've been locked in a basement my whole life."
"Until then," he said, looking back to me and picking up an apple slice, "I guess we'll have to help feed you."
Since I'd been here, I'd been itchy, hungry, dirty, in pain, and had a mental breakdown. I was not about to humiliate myself being spoon-fed. "It's fine," I told him, picking up a carrot with my mouth and biting into it. After chewing and swallowing, I continued, “I can feed myself,.”
I ignored the oatmeal and hay and worked my way through the carrots and apples. It wasn't much, and did little to relieve my hunger, but I was not going to be spoon-fed oatmeal, and I was absolutely not going to eat hay. They watched me curiously as I ate, and after I finished the apples and carrots, waited expectantly for me to continue on to the rest. I stared back at them, waiting for them to realize that I was done. There were a few seconds of awkward silence before it was broken by my growling stomach.
"Is something wrong?" Doctor Night asked.
"I don't like hay," I told him.
"What about the oatmeal?" he asked. "It's no problem for me to feed that to you,".
"No, that's fine," I said as my stomach growled again.
"It's okay to ask for help," Herbal Essence tried to tell me. "That's what the doctor is here for."
"I already cried enough in front of you," my human mind thought. "I'm not going to be spoon-fed by you, too."
"You're a colt," I told myself. "They won't care. Just suck it up and accept the help. You won't even remember by tomorrow."
"I'm an adult, and I don't need to be spoon-fed. I'm not going to humiliate myself in front of them."
Despite my hungry pony body's growling stomach, my stubborn human mind convinced me to shake my head no. "Okay," Doctor Night said, writing something else down on his clipboard, “all that’s left to do is to get you some x-rays and get you cleaned up.”
"I'm working on getting cleaned up," I thought, as Thundertail lifted me onto his back.
I quickly had x-rays of my hoof and fetlock taken in another part of the building, being carried there by Thundertail. There weren't any other ponies there, and all of the rooms we passed by were empty. It was an eerie feeling to know that I was the only one there. It gave me the impression that I was in a psych ward. Or maybe a rehab facility.
Doctor Night quickly had x-rays taken of my hoof, revealing that my fetlock was indeed fractured. He explained that my walking on it made it worse than what it might have been, and told me it'd be several weeks before it healed, and that I shouldn't walk on it for a little while. He told me it would probably be cast later, and then I was quickly taken back to the room to get cleaned.
Since I didn't know how to use magic, I had to be helped in the bathtub, which, despite my situation, was embarrassing. Not humiliating like being spoon-fed would have been, but embarrassing nonetheless. I knew I shouldn't care. Three-quarters of the ponies in Equestria didn't wear clothes, and even if they did, I was a colt. Besides, I'd done way more embarrassing and humiliating things than that, but my human mind tried to convince me it wasn't the same.
I was silent while I was scrubbed, as were they. Despite my embarrassment, it was a nice feeling to be cleaned, to watch the dirt and grime on my coat sink into the water. I hadn't been clean in months, in more ways than one, and I knew my human body would have certainly appreciated it.
I closed my eyes and let the doctor scrub my coat, trying to be positive about being a colt. I was getting clean. I would be taken care of. I had an excuse for anything I couldn't do or didn't know. I'd actually be able to get the full My Little Pony experience. I would get a cutie mark. I would go to school. If I played my cards right, I might be able to go to a certain school founded by a certain princess. I started to wonder why I was so turned off to the idea of being a colt in the first place.
"Because you have all the time in the world to screw it all up again," my human mind thought. "Because you can try to convince yourself that your a colt so your decisions don't matter yet."
I tried to ignore what my human mind told me. I wasn't going to fall into the same traps. These ponies would make sure I didn't. At the same time, however, I tried to ignore the fact that I was still itchy and that I had kept track of which cabinet the pain medicine Doctor Night offered me was in.
I guessed it was okay that I didn't know how to use magic. I couldn't reach the cabinet he put the hoof pain medicine in, and even if I could, I'd have no way of opening the bottle. Which was a good thing. I was effectively being forced to have self control.
"It probably wouldn't even get you high," my human mind thought. "It's probably just Aspirin or something."
"Guess I'll never know, will I?" I told it. “There’s no way for me to get it myself.”
“Like the doctor said,” my human mind said, “just let him know if you need it.”
There used to be this girl named Mandy who I lived next door to. We started using around the same time, and our drug use gave us a commonality. I hung out with her nearly every day, and actually really liked her, despite my distorted perspective of what to look for in a friend. I would even go so far as to say she was my girlfriend. Although, we mostly just sat around her house, staring at the wall, not comprehending what was around us, having nonsensical conversations, enjoying the feeling of throwing away our futures. Still, I thought it was the most fun ever. We entertained each other's habit, neither of us having a care in the world.
A few months before my parents kicked me out, I was sitting in her room when she informed me that her own parents were checking her into rehab soon.
"Man," I chuckled, my speech slightly slurred. "It must suck to be you,".
"The joke's on them," she told me, scratching at the sores on her face. "I'm not gonna get clean. I'll pretend for a few weeks, then come back and keep using. I don't care."
"Good. I can't imagine you being sober. You'd better not turn over while you're there."
"I won't,” she said defiantly. “And if I do, I'm dragging you with me and making you sober, too. I won't just be sober alone."
"Being sober sounds like an awful existence."
"It's gonna suck, but I'll survive to shoot up another day." We both laughed at that. "You're lucky though," she continued. "You're parents can't do anything to you."
"They're threatening to kick me out if I don't quit soon," I told her. "But I don’t think they will. But even they meant it, I'd still rather live on the street than go to rehab."
"I wish I had that option,” she said, sounding slightly sad. “I mean, I do, but like, not really.”
“And why not?”.
“Cause I have class ,” she said seriously. “I still have to get an education, unlike some people I know.”
“Well, meand my classless self,” I said indignantly, “would rather live on the street.”
She laughed at that. “I’m glad you know you have no class.” She then suddenly snapped to attention, and, as if remembering something, said, “I need to give you something.” I watched as she quickly ran out of the room for a second, then came back in and dropped several DVDs into my lap. “I want you to watch this while I’m gone,” she told me excitedly.
I picked up what she gave me and looked at it with confusion. “My little dumb, purple horsey?” I questioned.
“Stop that!” she said sternly. “That’s, like, blasphemy. I oughta smack you.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, faking an apology. “I meant my little… not that smart purple horsey.”
“Just watch it. It’s the greatest show ever made.”
“That sounds hard to believe.”
“Well, as a matter of fact, it is,” she told. “Also, you can’t be high when you watch it.”
“Why are you making us both suffer?” I whined.
“It’s literally the greatest show ever invented,” she said ecstatically. “It’s about these ponies learning about the magic of friendship, and there’s this girl named Twilight Sparkle who moves to Ponyville, and-”
“Oh. Wow. Okay,” I interrupted her, sounding bored. “That changes everything. This definitely doesn’t sound like the worst show in the whole wide world.”
“Just watch it.”
“You know,” I said, putting on a fake grin “I really don’t want to, so I’ll go with no, thank you.”
“Please?” Mandy begged. “For me?”
“Still going to be a no from me.”
“Either you watch it, or I'll get my dad to drag you with me to rehab,” she threatened.
I rolled my eyes. "Fine," I said, annoyed. "I'll see what I can do."
"I shouldn't have watched your dumb show," my human mind thought as I lay in the hospital bed, thinking of the memory. "I might not be itchy right now if I didn't."
After I was cleaned, I was left in the room by myself for some time while the doctor and the two ponies who found me went off to somewhere. I waited for them to come back, glancing between the door and the cabinet, trying to ignore my worsening itchiness and the fact that the thing that might relieve it was in the room. I hated this itchiness, and I hated the fact that they left me here alone to suffer through it. I knew they didn’t know about my problems, but my human mind was upset at them regardless.
“I have self-control,” I told myself, staring directly at the cabinet. “I have self-control. I don’t need pain relief. I have self-control.”
“He said it’ll help with itching,” my human mind said. “It probably won’t do anything. Who gets high off of itch relief tablets?”
I ignored that thought. “This is all in my head,” I tried to tell myself. “It’s all psychological. My pony body is clean, so this itchiness is just a state of mind.”
Telling myself that didn’t make my itchiness go away. I could still feel what felt like ants on my skin and coat, making me scratch. “This itchiness isn’t real,” I told myself, clenching my jaw, my colt body wishing for somepony’s return so I could be comforted. “If I don’t believe I’m addicted, I won’t be addicted. It’s mind over matter.”
I tried for a second to mentally will my itchiness away, and was not surprised when it didn't work. I knew it wouldn’t work. That was almost the exact same logic I used to start using, and it didn’t work then either. It wasn’t just mind over matter. My human mind was addicted, even if my pony body wasn’t. It was still psychologically dependent and was going to feel the effects of constant drug abuse. I thought that it might be where my anxiety came from as well.
"They left you in here alone," my human mind said. "That must mean it's not that dangerous."
"Or they have lives outside of me and know that there's no way for me to access anything dangerous."
"This is going to last for days. Maybe weeks. You might as well just give in now."
"Stop being so weak," I snapped shutting my eyes tight. "It hasn't been more than a few hours that you've been itchy, yet you're acting like it's been months. Stop trying to give up over nothing."
"They probably won't get you high. I don’t think-"
"THEN STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!" I screamed out loud, resisting my pony body's urge to cry. I clenched my jaw tighter, hating how little self-control I seemed to have, hating the fact that this itching might go on for weeks. Or months.
"This is probably just a rash," I whispered to myself. "Or even an allergy. My itching didn't start until I was in this hospital. It makes sense."
"Are you okay?" I heard Doctor Night ask as he opened the door, sounding concerned after hearing my yelling.
"I'm fine," I said angrily, scratching at my face and turning away from him.
"Itchy?" he asked, as I continued to scratch at my face.
My human mind wanted to curse at him for his question, but I resisted that impulse. "Yes," I grumbled and felt him spread more cream on my face as he came up to examine the skin under my coat.
"Ask him," my human mind said.
"You know I won't do that," I answered.
“Has your itching gotten worse or stayed the same over the last few hours?”
“Worse.”
"He said-"
"Goddamnit, shut up! I already said no! I'm not going to change my mind!"
“I’m still not seeing anything in your coat or on your skin,” he told me, and I rolled my eyes. “You might just be imagining it, Leo.”
I lay down with a humph, facing away from him. “Thanks for telling me what I already know,” I thought. “I know you think I’m probably crazy.”
“How are you feeling?” he asked me sympathetically, putting a hoof on my shoulder.
“Itchy,”was my angry reply.
“Is there anything I can do for you?”
“No!” I told him, getting worked up.
He sighed, sounding slightly upset, like he wanted to help me but didn’t know how. “Oh well,” I thought as I closed my eyes to go to sleep. “You probably wouldn’t be able to help me anyway.”
“If you have any pain,” he reminded me, “all you have to do is tell us. We can take care of it.”
“I’m not going to ask for pain medicine,” I thought as I scratched my face, staying silent.
He stood still for several moments, taking me in, likely feeling sorry for me. "Was there anything I could get you?" he asked.
"No! "
“Did you want me to get you any toys, or a coloring book?”
“NO!” I yelled, looking over my shoulder. “I DON’T WANT ANYTHING!” I turned back over, the tears I hated starting to form again. “How am I supposed to pick up the crayons anyway?” I asked bitterly, closing my eyes and scratching at my face. "And this itching!" .
Doctor Night sighed again, more aggressively this time. He was definitely upset, and wanted to help me, but knew I would refuse what he thought would make me feel better. Still, he asked, “Leo, are you sure you don’t want anything?”.
I let my silence be my answer as I heard him open the cabinet and take something out.
“Leo,” he started, walking around so I could face him, “I know you don’t want this, but I need you to take it. It’s going to make that itching go away.”
“I don’t want that!” I told him angrily as he held a white tablet in front of me.
“Why?”
“Because!” I got out, and scratched at my face again.
“Do you think it’ll hurt you if you take it?”
“No,” I lied.
“Do you think I’ll hurt you if you take it?”
“No!”
“Did somepony give this to you before?”
“No!” I yelled. “I just… don’t want it! ”
With a third sigh, he put the tablet back in its jar and set the jar on a counter along the wall. Then he kneeled down in front of my bed. “Leo,” he started, “if somepony’s hurting you, or is making you take medicine when you don’t need it, you can tell us. We’re not going to be angry, and we’re not going to make you go back to them.”
“Right now, the only one trying to hurt me is you ,” I told him angrily.
He winced at that, and stood back up. “Leo, I promise we’re not here to hurt you.” He paused, and then asked, "Are you sure you didn't need anything before I left?”
“No," I grumbled.
“Did you want me to see if Thundertail and Herbal Essence would visit you?”
My pony body wanted to say yes to that, but my human mind responded first. “No,” I told him.
“Well, if you need anything, all you need to do is ask,” he sighed as he left the room.
“I’m not going to ask,” I thought as I closed my eyes.
After a while, I was dreaming that I was back in my parents' house. I was itch-free, and was watching my mother cook a meal in the kitchen as my father vacuumed the living room, both too preoccupied to notice me.
“Hey guys,” I announced, nonchalant.
“Well, well, well, if it isn’t our little boy!” my mother said, turning around. “Or should I say, our little colt !”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said, giving a small smile and rubbing one of my legs with my hoof.
“So how have you been doing these days, Leo?” my father asked me.
“Well, you know, I was living on the street, and then this genie granted my wish, so now I'm a pony in Equestria, and have been one for the last few days, so…” They stared at me unblinking at that, and I added, “But I’m getting clean, so you should be proud of me.”
“Well, three days hardly counts as “getting clean” does it?” my father chuckled.
“Well, it’s a start ,” I responded, confused by his reaction. “I have to start somewhere.”
“Oh, honey,” my mother started, “that’s nice, but you don’t have to do that."
“Excuse me?” I asked confused.
“Well, we’ve already accepted that you’re not going to change,” she said. “You might as well just keep going down your broken road.”
“You don’t have to change for us,” my father told me.
“I’m not changing for you,” I told them. “I’m changing for me .”
My mother laughed at that. “Now, we all know that’s not happening.”
“And why not?” I asked, starting to get angry.
“Because I know how you are , Leo,” she told me. “If I recall correctly, your last words to us were somewhere along the lines of, ‘I know I’m ruining my life, but I just don’t care’.”
“And I can’t care now?”
“You can ,” my father said, “but do you really ? Cause from what we’ve seen, it’s not looking like you do. I mean, you’ve only been itchy a few hours, and you look ready to give up.”
“That’s not true,” I tried to tell them as I reflexively scratched at my face. "If I wanted to give up, I would have accepted that doctor's offer for pain relief."
“It is true, Leo,” my mother said, “but that’s okay. We’ll love you just the same when you give up.”
“No!” I told her angrily. “I’m not going to give up . Even if you don’t believe in me, I believe in me.”
My father shrugged. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I mean, you think that now , and have every intention to change now , but you’re not going to. I mean… you’re just not . I know you, Leo, and I know you won't change, so why even bother trying?”
I clenched my jaw. “You’re wrong. You don’t know me, and I’m going to prove it.”
My parents laughed at that. “No, son, you’re not ,” my mother told me matter of factly.
I clenched my jaw harder. That wasn't true. That was not true . I was going to change. I knew I was. I knew my human mind might try and convince me not to, and I knew this itching would as well, but I was going to change. I was in the perfect place to change. If I couldn't change here, I couldn't change anywhere. I was going to change.
"You're not going to change, son," my mother told me. "We know you, and we know it's not going to happen. Just accept it."
“Leo,” I heard a mare whisper, interrupting my dream. I opened my eyes to see Herbal Essence stroking my mane, with Thundertail behind her. I had sweat on my forehead and was shivering slightly, and my jaw hurt from clenching it for most of the day. “It's going to be okay. It was just a dream, Leo.”
“I wish you were my parents,” I mumbled before closing my eyes and drifting back off to sleep.
The next thing I knew, I was being shaken awake. I was still a bit sweaty, and my jaw still hurt, but I was relieved by the fact that my itching wasn’t quite as bad as before I’d gone to sleep. I opened my eyes and was greeted by another doctor, a mare that I hadn’t seen before. She was white with a brown mane, and looked younger than Doctor Night. No other doctors ever came to check up on me in the several hours I’d been there, and I hadn't seen anyone else besides him, so I assumed it meant Doctor Night’s shift was over and she’d be in charge now.
“Hey, Leo,” she said sweetly, with a tray of food captured in her magic. “I know you’re sleeping, but it’s time for us to get some food in you.”
I looked around the room, a bit disorientated. “Where did those two go?” I asked. “Who are you? What time is it?”
“I’m Doctor Spark, it’s just after seven, and Herbal Essence and Thundertail had to go home for the night. But they told me to tell you that they promised to be back first thing in the morning. Until then,” she said, quickly setting the tray down, “you need to eat.”
My mind focused on the food. In front of me was a salad that I would have trouble eating myself, oatmeal that I couldn’t possibly eat by myself, and hay . I immediately scowled at it, feeling as though she went out of her way to make sure I needed help feeding myself. “Is there anything else ?” I asked with a tone in my voice.
“I'm sorry,” she told me sympathetically. “That’s what they gave me. I'd check, but I don't really know this hospital all that well. I actually usually work in Baltimare."
“She’s lying,” my human mind thought. “She chose this meal. I doubt there are any other ponies in this hospital besides the receptionist.”
"Then what are you doing here?" I asked, slightly suspicious.
"Well, Doctor Night asked me to come here to help take care of you. He actually wanted me to stop by tomorrow, but when I heard about you, I decided to stop by and see you today."
"Okay…," I said, trying to not get worked up. I didn't know why I was getting angry. I completely expected to see a social worker. It might have been the fact that she was here so soon. Then again, my outburst at Doctor Night might have been a contributing factor to her stopping by today. Still, I wasn't the only colt in all of Equestria. There had to be other ponies she could be helping.
"Are you a psychologist?" I asked seriously.
"I am," she answered honestly, "and I do hope to get to know you, but you don't have to worry, because I'm also a trained nurse, so I'll be able to take care of you."
The way she spoke gave me the impression that she was fresh out of training for whatever her official position was. "Well, congratulations," I thought. "You get the most difficult pony possible as your first case."
"For now though, let's get you eating."
"Well, I don't like hay, and I can't use magic…," I said, trying to keep the tone out of my voice as I scratched my face. "Which you had to have known," my human mind thought.
"I did hear that you don't know how to use magic, but I can help feed you if you’d like me to.”
“It’s fine ,” I told her, frustrated, sure that she gave me this meal to force me into accepting help. I looked again at the meal in front of me. I wasn't going to embarrass myself eating the salad, and I was not going to be spoon-fed oatmeal like an infant. Which only left hay. I sighed at that. Managing until I learned magic was going to be brutal.
I took a bite and made a face. It tasted just as bad as I imagined it would, like mowed over grass, and made me upset that she put it on my tray.
"Is something wrong?" she asked.
"No," I said as I tried to eat it. I was able to choke about half of the hay down before giving up. It was disgusting and was going to make me vomit if I continued. I pushed the tray forward slightly, and announced, "I'm done."
Doctor Spark frowned at that. "Are you sure?" she questioned. "Asking for help is nothing to be ashamed of. It's what I'm here for."
"Why do you have such an aversion to getting help?" I asked myself. "It's not like you'll even remember this in a few days, and they certainly don't seem to care."
"Because I'm not a child!" my human mind thought.
"You've been acting like a child. You haven't acted like an adult a single day in your life. Just suck it up and accept the help."
"I'm not that hungry anyway," I told her as I scratched at my face again, feeling like my itching was getting worse again.
"Okay," she said, picking up my tray. "Did you need to go to the bathroom?"
That question caught me off guard. "What?" I asked, completely confused. "Why?"
"Well, you said you can't do magic," she told me kindly, "and with your hoof, I thought you might need some help."
The way she said that triggered something in me. It sounded like a lie, sounding as though she was speaking to a toddler. It suddenly dawned on me I was much younger than I initially thought. I was thinking before that I was eight to ten years old, but was realizing now that I was probably actually four or five. The thought made my cheeks burn. They weren’t helping me because I was injured or couldn't do magic, they were helping me because I was a five- year-old .
I clenched my already hurting jaw. I could not stand that guy. I knew he did this on purpose. I felt like he took advantage of my wish, like I was being set up just to be humiliated. I was in Equestria, the place I wanted to be, and I hadn’t been able to enjoy it because I was in an itchy, anxious, five-year-old body . Why was I even here if I couldn’t enjoy being here?
"Leo?" Doctor Spark asked concerned, seeing me getting upset. "Are you okay?"
I hated this, and I hated myself for wishing this, for thinking I could change, for even getting upset in the first place. Why was I getting so worked up over something so ridiculous? I wasn't an angry person . My human body hardly ever got upset. I'd always had a laid back personality, even before my addiction. But now, in the three days I'd been here, all I'd ever felt was upset and angry and anxious and resistant, and I hated it . I hated my lack of emotional control. I hated even more the idea that I was changing into this person, that I was trading in not caring about myself for being angry and upset all the time. The thought that I might be this way forever was overwhelming.
I started to feel tears well up again, and bit my cheek in anger in an effort to stop them, which only produced more tears, making me bite down harder. I knew what I was doing was wrong and would just make my crying worse, but I couldn't help myself. I hated how much crying I’d done over the last three days, and wanted it to stop. Before I knew it though, I was lying on my side sobbing, tasing blood, vaguely aware that I was being hugged by Doctor Spark. Her hugging, while making part of me angrier, made part of me feel a tiny bit better.
“Leo,” she told me softly, “what’s wrong?”
“I hate being here!” I choked out in my squeaky voice. “I hate my life, I hate being a colt, I hate needing help, I hate crying, and I hate this itching! ”
She hugged me harder, slowly drowning out my anger and tears. "Please don't hurt yourself, Leo," she whispered to me. "When you get upset, you have to tell somepony. You can't hurt yourself."
"I hate that I'm a colt, I hate that I have to be treated like one, and I hate that I'm getting angry and crying because of it," I sniffed through my tears as I started to scratch my face. "I hate that I'm stuck in this stupid colt body, I hate that I have to care about what happens to it, and I hate that I haven't been able to enjoy being here because of this stupid colt body and my stupid mind."
"I'm sorry, Leo," she whispered. "Why do you think you're stupid?"
"Because all I've been doing is crying, getting angry, resisting help, and trying not to screw everything up."
"Why would you think you're going to screw everything up?"
“Because I’m in this five-year-old’s body!”
She went silent for a while, continuing to hug me, thinking of what she should say next. Or maybe she was just letting me cry myself out. Either way, she spoke up several minutes later when I started to calm down more. “I know it’s hard to accept help, but that’s what we’re here for, Leo.” She paused, then asked, “Is it okay if I asked you some personal questions?”
“I guess,” I whispered.
“Can you sit up and face me, please?” she asked politely. I rubbed my eyes and complied with her request. She let me go and leaned onto the bed, putting her hooves on top of mine. “We'll start from the beginning, okay? Do you know how you got here?”
“Hurray. Questions we already answered,” my human mind thought.
“I walked.”
“Do you know how long you walked for?”
I sighed. “Two days,” I whispered.
“Do you know from where?”
“No,” I sighed again.
“That’s okay,” she told me kindly. She then stretched out one of my hooves. “Can you tell me how you got hurt?”
“I was bitten.”
“That must have hurt,” she responded. “Do you know what bit you?”
“No, we don’t,” my human mind thought.
“Yes, we do,” I told it, “and we’re going to tell her.”
“No, we’re not. Then, we’ll have to explain about our problems that we have, which isn’t a conversation we want to have.”
“Yes, we are. She already saw us bite our cheek until it bled. I’m fairly confident she knows what bit us.”
“I don’t know,” I told her.
“That’s fine,” she said as she picked up Doctor Night’s clipboard to write something down. She quickly set it back down and placed her hooves on mine again, continuing her questions. “How long have you been itchy?”
“All day,” I said, reflexively scratching.
“Do you know why you’re itchy?”.
My ear involuntarily twitched at that. “No,” I answered, silently cursing this colt body.
“Okay, Leo,” Doctor Spark started, “these next few questions might be tough, but I need you to answer them honestly, even if somepony told you to keep them secret. Okay?” I nodded, and she started again. “Has anypony ever tried to hurt you?”
“No.”
“Has anypony tried to touch you in an uncomfortable way?”
“No,” my pony body answered quickly, getting embarrassed.
“Have you ever taken medicine you don’t need?”
I flinched slightly at that, and hoped she didn’t notice. Why did she have to phrase the question that way?
“No,” I answered, keeping my tone the same.
“Okay,” she said, and picked up the clipboard again to write.
“Goddamn this colt body!” I thought. “Why did she have to phrase it like that?”
“She did that on purpose,” my human mind said. “She lowered your guard until she got to the question she was suspicious of. She knew you would react if she changed the way she asked the question. She is a psychologist after all.”
She put the clipboard back down. “Do you ever feel like you can't do anything right, Leo?”
“Not until very recently,” I thought.
“No.”
“Do you ever feel like hurting yourself, Leo?”
“Technically, no. Both of the times I did were more ‘heat of the moment’ type deals. Unless you count drug use. Then basically every day, all day.”
“Not really,” I told her.
“Do you ever feel like you don't want to be alive?” Doctor Spark asked seriously.
That one caught me by surprise. I didn’t ever think that, in either my human body or colt body. I didn’t ever think that I was giving off those signals. Although, when I thought about it, I could see how someone might come to that conclusion.
“No,” I told her.
"That's good to hear," she said, and picked up the clipboard again. She paused for a second, then continued, “Okay, I think that’s all of the questions I have for now, kiddo,”. She looked back at me and asked, “Was there anything you wanted to tell me?”
“Why couldn’t that genie have just me a stallion?” my human mind thought.
“No,” I answered, as I scratched at my face. Or, at least, I was about to scratch before she grabbed my hoof with her magic. She looked at me seriously.
“Leo,” she started, “I know it’s hard, but you have to try really, really hard not to scratch. You’ve been scratching the same spot over and over, and your coat is starting to rub off.”
“I’m sorry,” I said innocently.
“You don’t need to be sorry, but please, please don’t scratch.” She paused, staring at me for a second, then opened her mouth to continue.
“I don’t want anything for my itching,” I told her before she could ask me.
“Okay, was there anything else I could try and do for you?”
I suddenly felt myself blush, very embarrassed by what I was about to ask. It was another reason for me to hate being in this five-year-old colt body, and the thing that set off this little tangent we went on.
“What is it?” Doctor Spark asked.
“I, um…” I said quietly.
“Don’t you ask her,” my human mind told me. “I don’t care how young and injured we are. We’re not accepting help with that.”
“Yes?”
I blushed harder. “I have to go to the bathroom.”
"Don't look at me," I said while looking down at the floor, embarrassed.
"Why do you care?" I thought. "You've done more embarrassing and humiliating things than this in your human body. Hell, you bathed in front of these ponies thismorning."
"You know that's not the same," my human mind told me. "Besides, I didn't care before in my old body. Now I do."
"Please don't look at me," I said again, and Doctor Spark turned around. I was still uncomfortable though, and asked, "Can you leave the room?"
"I have to be in here to make sure you don't hurt yourself, Leo," she told me.
My human mind humphed at that. "You hurt yourself once and you can't even be trusted to not do it again," it thought sarcastically.
"Well," I thought, "it was actually twice, and despite knowing that they knew about the first time, you still thought it would be a good idea to lie. So it's understandable they don't trust you."
"Just pretend I'm not even here," she said.
"That's kind of hard to do when you're right there," my human mind thought.
“I want to die,” I mumbled as I stared at the ground. Doctor Spark quickly looked over her shoulder, and I realized what I’d said. “Of embarrassment!” I added, frustrated.
“Please don’t say things like that, Leo,” she told me. “Even if you don’t really mean them. Those are things we don't joke about.”
I huffed at that. “I hate myself,” I grumbled as I scratched at my face.
Several minutes later, I was being helped back into bed. “Was there anything else you needed?” Doctor Spark asked.
“You mean other than to die of humiliation?” I thought.
“No,” I told her, still staring at the ground.
"Is there anything you want to do right now?"
"Not really."
"Okay, how about we play a game?" she offered.
I sighed. "Fine," I said, as I reached up to scratch my face. She stopped me halfway through the motion and gently set my hoof back on the bed with her magic.
"Remember what I said about that?" she told me, raising her eyebrows and offering a slight smile.
I growled slightly at that, and watched as she took a small black box out of one of the cabinets.
"This game is easy," she explained as she opened the box and dumped its contents in front of me. There were several circular chips in front of me, each a different color and size. "All you have to do is put these chips back in the box."
"And how do I do that?"
"With your magic, silly," she told me with a chuckle. "Just concentrate and imagine picking them up. The smaller ones will be easier to do than the bigger ones."
"Okay…" I said as I focused on a small blue one, no bigger than a penny. It was much more difficult than she made out. I stared at it for a few minutes, trying to ignore my itching, willing it to move, before I gave up.
"I can't do this," I told Doctor Spark, slightly upset.
"How about you just try grabbing at it?" she suggested.
I once again reached up to scratch, and once again was stopped before I could. "It's hard to concentrate with this itching," I complained.
"You can do it," she encouraged, putting a hoof on my shoulder. "Just give it a try."
I exhaled sharply and put my attention back on the chip, trying to ignore my itching. I fought back the urge to bite my cheek again in frustration and tried to concentrate. However, another few minutes passed, and still nothing was happening.
"You're pathetic," my human mind told me. "You can't even pick up a chip? I'm pretty sure a two-year-old could do this."
"That's because a two-year-old would have had two more years of experience at being a pony than me."
"Maybe it's because you're itchy. If you asked for some medicine…"
"I can't do this!" I said angrily as I reached up to scratch for the third time. For the third time, I was stopped, and was getting fed up with it. "Don't cry," I silently told my pony body as I ground my teeth.
"Leo," Doctor Spark asked me concerned, "are you sure you don't want any medicine for your itch?"
"Why do you guys keep asking me that?" I yelled at her.
"What do you think is going to happen if I give you medicine?" she asked me.
"I don't know!" I said defensively.
"Do you think somepony will hurt you?"
"No!"
"Do you think you'll hurt yourself?"
I stayed silent at that and closed my eyes. "It might not do anything," my human mind told me, trying to convince me. "Like I said before, I doubt they'd give a colt something addictive."
"Shut up," I thought. "I don't care,".
"Leo, I promise I wouldn't give you anything that would hurt you," she said as I heard her pick up the bottle from the counter Doctor Night placed it on. "I'd be here to make sure you don't hurt yourself."
"I don't believe you," I thought, trying not to bite my cheek in frustration.
I opened my eyes and saw that she'd already taken a tablet out and broken it in two. "What about half, Leo?"
"Come on," my human mind said. "Half a tablet can't possibly hurt us."
"I already said no! Now shut up!" I told my human mind as I shook my head at Doctor Spark.
"Leo, I need you to trust me when I say it won't hurt you."
I didn't know why, but that line sounded a bit familiar, and I didn't like it. A lot of what she said sounded farmiliar. You have to trust me. It's not going to hurt you.
"Just say yes already. You're just delaying the inevitable,".
"Just shut up!" I yelled aloud to my human mind. "I! Don't! Want! It! I'm not going to take it, so just shut up!".
Doctor Spark looked at me with surprise, thinking my outburst was directed at her. "What do you expect me to do?" I asked defensively, my pony eyes once again becoming wet. "I don't want that, I can't scratch, and I know it's only going to get worse, so what do you expect me to do? Cry?". I reached my hoof up to scratch, and was stopped once again. "I hate my life!" I yelled at her as I started to shake. She hugged me once again, and I resisted my pony body's urge to cry. "And I hate this itching !" I yelled, wishing I had fists to clench.
“I’m sorry, Leo,” she whispered. “I should’ve known better. If you don’t want any, I won’t ask again.”
I was silent for a minute. This was the second time I’d thrown a tantrum in front of her, and the second time she hugged me to try and calm me down. I didn’t know if there was a certain technique she used, or if she just had a way about her, but she was once again effective in killing my anger. She radiated warmth and safety and gave me and my pony body a natural feeling of trust. “I don’t want to see you suffer,” she silently told me. “I just want to help you .”
“I’ll just take a quarter,” I said, almost inaudible.
“What?” Doctor Spark asked.
I sighed. “Nothing,” I told her, still a bit frustrated, almost wishing she’d heard me and relieved that she didn't.
“Did you want to go back to our game?” she asked politely.
I sighed. “Yes,” I answered, trying to ignore the fact it sounded like she was speaking to a five-year-old. "It's not really much of a game, though," I thought. Still, I tried to concentrate on grabbing at the chip. After what felt like an eternity, I saw a tiny sliver of transparent blue magic start to wrap around it. It got about a third of the way around before my itching broke my concentration again.
"That's good," Doctor Spark told me, holding my hoof in place to keep me from scratching. “I think we’ll stop for now, but-”
“I want to keep going,” I interrupted.
“I understand, but I can’t stay for too much longer, and I do want to get to know you a little better while I’m here tonight. But we can work on this tomorrow when I come back if you’d like.”
“I hate that tone you have,” I thought. “I am not a five year old, so stop talking to me like I am.”
“Fine,” I told her, slightly disappointed. “These ponies are nosey,” my human mind thought.
“If there’s anything you don’t feel comfortable answering, you can tell me, okay?” she said. I rolled my eyes, staying silent, and she continued. “Do you ever feel different, Leo?”
“Different, how?” I asked immediately.
“Well, do you feel like you’re not you?”
“The only acceptable answer is no,” my human mind thought.
“I guess,” I said.
“Do you know why or how you feel different?”
“I feel like a colt! ” I almost snapped, stopping myself from rolling my eyes.
Doctor Spark raised her eyebrows at this, looking genuinely surprised by my answer. “Do you not think you should be a colt?” she questioned.
“No!” I said, getting worked up for what felt like the hundredth time that day. “I hate how young I am and how little control I have over anything, and I hate the fact that… argh!”
It took every ounce of self control I had not to finish that sentence. I knew I had to start keeping myself from getting worked up. I knew that she was only trying to help, but I didn’t want to reveal everything about myself to these ponies, even if my colt body did.
“You hate the fact that what?” Doctor Spark asked quietly.
“Nothing,” “I told her, slightly bitter, trying to calm down. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
"Can you tell me how long you felt this way?" she asked.
"No," I said as I scratched my face, grateful that she didn’t stop me from doing so.
“That’s okay,” she said sweetly. She paused, then asked, “Do you ever have trouble fitting in?”
I thought, deciding my response. I decided to be honest. “I have no idea,” I said.
She raised her eyebrows again. “You don’t know?”
“I don’t have any friends,” I told her. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t have any friends. I didn’t really count the people who lived next to me on the street as my friends .
“Are you ever teased or bullied, Leo?”
“No,” I said, “I just… don’t have any friends.”
“Do you not want any?”
I shrugged. “I guess not.”
She picked up her clipboard to write something down, then turned her attention back to me. “Do you ever feel like you’re not treated fairly?”
“Yes,” I thought. “For example, that guy only gave me one wish, when genies usually grant three.”
“Yes,” my pony body said, answering a little more quietly than before.
“How so?”
Why did I say yes? I didn’t actually think I was treated unfairly. In fact, I’d argue I was dealt a pretty good hand in life. It was my own actions that screwed me over, not anyone else .
“I don’t know,” I told her.
“Do you ever feel like you mess things up, Leo?”
“Yeah, my whole life.”
“Sometimes,” I said truthfully, my pony body tired of being resistant. I already told her I felt like I would screw everything up during my first tantrum, so there was no reason to lie now.
“What do you think would happen to you if you messed something up?”
“Going to sleep wouldn't be fun,” I thought to myself, referring to the discomfort sleeping in the street.
“Why would you not like sleeping, Leo?”
I looked at Doctor Spark, confused by her question. “You said that out loud, idiot!” my human mind told me. I quickly tried to backtrack. “I don’t- I don’t- I wouldn't actually hate going sleep,” I stammered out, trying to backtrack.
“Oh, Leo…” she said, sounding sad. “I promise we wouldn’t do anything to hurt you here.”
“Nothing happens when I sleep!” I said defensively. “And even if something did happen, it would be my own fault.”
“Why did you have to say it like that?” my human mind asked. “Just stop talking! You’re making it worse!” .
“No, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me, giving me another hug. “It wouldn’t be your fault. Nopony should make you feel that way.”
I opened my mouth to say something else, but stopped myself. The damage was already done, and anything else I said would, at best, fall on deaf ears. I sighed. They probably already thought I was an abuse victim anyway. Whether I said that I I would hate where I slept or not wasn’t going to change anything. Except now, there would be more questions.
“To be fair, though,” I thought, making sure my mouth was closed, “the only other possible explanation would be that I was a recovering drug addict.”
"No pony should ever make you feel that way," she whispered, my pony body accepting her comforting words.
Patient: Leo (M)
Characteristics: Green eyes, medium blue coat, blue/black mane, alleged five years old
Report: Began visit with a sleeping Leo around 1600. In his slumber, he appeared distressed, and was noted grinding his teeth and having a sweaty coat, sleep talking incoherently, as well as scratching a particular spot on his right cheek. At around 1615, he was briefly woken by the couple who found him, Herbal Essence and Thundertail, because of his distress to be comforted. He was noted telling them, “I wish you were my parents”. He then resumed sleeping much more peacefully until around 1900.
An interview with Herbal Essence and Thundertail revealed that he was found sleeping outside near the center of town around 0600. He was found covered in dirt, and appeared to have been outside for several days. He was found with a fractured fetlock, and bite wounds, and was carried to North Star Hospital, where he was presented to Doctor Moonlit Night. He denied to them knowing his age or parents, and denied knowing how he received bite wounds. He was noted as having a severe itch with no known cause, and was noted as scratching one particular spot on his cheek. He was noted as having a slight temperature, which cleared up shortly afterwards.
Herbal Essence and Thundertail describe him as “emotional” and “resistive”, as well as “unsure at times”. They described him having a severe aversion to medicine said to help hoof pain and itching, despite previous outbursts due to itching, as well as taking antibiotics with no complaint. As well, he was noted to have an aversion to receiving help with food, and chose instead to not eat what he would have to receive help with. He was not noted to have issues with being picked up or touched in general, although Thundertail noted he seemed “uncomfortable” with help with bathing.
During a brief period of alone time, Doctor Night reports him screaming “stop thinking about it”, and being angry and upset during a brief examination of his coat for signs of skin conditions. He was noted being upset at receiving offers for help, in particular itching, and intensely denying attempts to make him comfortable. Doctor Night notes that his itching is “likely psychological” and that he presents a “nervous and anxious demeanor”. He also reports that Leo seems to have a “nearly nonexistent” magical field, likely due to lack of use.
A brief, incomplete examination while Leo slept showed no obvious signs of any other recent physical trauma or any sexual trauma. However, this exam was too brief to be taken as conclusive.
Leo was once again woken at around 1920, and seemed suspicious of my presence and asked to know who I was. When presented with his meal for the evening, which consisted of salad, oatmeal, and hay, he reported that he “doesn’t like hay and can’t use magic”. When offered help with feeding, he opted instead to eat hay, which he seemed upset by and had trouble finishing, and stated he “wasn’t that hungry anyway”. When asked if he needed to use the restroom, he became distressed to the point of self harm, and had to be calmed down. When asked why he was upset, he stated that he “hated his life” and he “hated being a colt”. He also stated he “hated being treated like a five-year-old”, and “hated that he has to care about what happens to him”. He regarded himself as “stupid” and felt like he was going to “screw everything up”.
Several minutes afterward, he was interviewed, and described being outside walking for “two days” but denied knowing where from. When asked about his bite wounds, he denied knowing how he received them, although he appeared conflicted when answering. He denied knowing why he was itchy, although he had a notable reaction to the question. He had no reaction to being asked about physical abuse, seemed uncomfortable when asked about sexual abuse, and flinched when asked about drug abuse. He denied feelings of worthlessness and self harm despite an observed case of the latter, but seemed surprised when asked about suicide. He was observed scratching his cheek throughout the interview.
After the interview, he was hesitant in asking for help in the restroom, and appeared nervous about the idea of having me in the room with him. He was noted saying that he felt like he “wanted to die” about the situation, and was still upset by the situation for several minutes afterward.
During a game where we practiced using magic, he became increasingly agitated by his itching, and continuously refused offers for help with it. When told that it wouldn’t hurt him, he stated that he didn’t believe me. He later stated that “it was only going to get worse”, and upon being denied the ability to scratch, and stated once again that he “hated his life”.
Later on, during a second interview, when asked if he felt like himself, he stated angrily that he “feels like a five-year-old”. He then stated he “hates how little control he has over anything”, and began to state something else he hated, but stopped himself before he said it. He refused to answer how long he felt these things, and stated that he doesn’t have any friends, saying he “guesses he doesn’t want any” when asked. He admitted that he feels like he isn’t treated fairly, but doesn’t know how, and that he feels like he messes things up. When asked what he thought would happen when he messes things up, he stated he’d “hate where he would sleep”, which he immediately tried to backtrack from, saying it “would be his own fault”. He then refused to answer any other questions.
Diagnosis: Leo seems to have quite possibly been sexually abused and potentially drugged and neglected. He seems very conflicted at times, and presents self confidence issues, as well as extreme hostility to help in certain situations. He has a general anxiousness, which is likely to be the root cause of his itching. He displays no general discontent at being touched or being around adults, but does present nervousness in and to certain situations, which can range from uncomfortableness to distress to the point of self harm. He presents himself as “older” than other ponies his age, and dislikes the idea of “being treated like a five-year-old” or "like a colt".
Treatment: Leo will need counseling, as well as a home that can adjust to his needs, where he can feel safe and gain self confidence. Although it doesn’t seem as though Leo will need too much accommodation, it is still early and we don’t know his full story. It should be noted that Leo already seems to have a certain fondness for Herbal Essence and Thundertail, and, when asked, the couple announced they’d be willing to foster him. Regardless, if Leo can find a home that suits him, his prognosis looks excellent.
-Dr. Ivory Spark
The man walked down the street with a sense of purpose, as though he had important business to take care of. He was dressed out in a suit and tie, one that looked to be tailor made for him, one that gave off an air of importance. With an expensive looking watch on his wrist and shoes that seemed to have been shined that very day, he could have been an important politician, or the CEO of a rich company, or maybe the ambassador to a foreign country. Regardless, he stood out starkly against the slums he walked through.
He walked by dozens of people sitting on the sidewalk, on his way to somewhere else, stopping to give money every so often. At one fellow in particular, a young man of no older than twenty-five who was sprawled out on the sidewalk, he stopped and crouched down. The person he looked at was a mess, his clothes being torn and tattered, skin being covered in dirt and sores, staring up at the sky with a dazed look in his eye.
"Sir?" he asked with a slight accent, sounding concerned. "Do you need someone to help you?"
"Nope," the young man told him, and put a smile on for him. "I'm doing fantastic ."
At that, the man in the suit realized what was happening to him, and felt a pang of sadness for the person before him. He hated the idea of seeing someone with so much to offer, someone with so much potential, willingly throw their life away. He used to know people, close friends of his, who were in the same position, and couldn't bear to watch it happen to this young man. Still, there wasn't much he could do, at least not without causing a scene in public.
He reached into his pocket and took out his wallet. "I wish you a brighter future," he said sincerely, sticking money into the hand of the person before him. He watched as the person clenched the money tightly into their fist, not even bothering to look at it, barely mumbling out a simple "thanks". He sighed at this, and stood up to continue on to where he was going.
Before he could walk much further, he stopped. He looked back at the person laying on the sidewalk, and felt like he was being called back to him. It felt as though the young man was calling to him, asking for help, begging for help. The man decided that he didn't care about a scene. People would likely think it was a magic trick anyway. Besides, he wanted to help him. He made his way back to the young man, and crouched back down to speak to him.
"Sir, what is your name?" he asked.
The person looked over suspiciously to the man crouched in front of him, and slurred out, "James Leonard Wilton."
“How old are you, sir?”
The young man scowled at him, and answered, “Twenty.”
"Do you have any nicknames, like Jim or Jimmy?"
"Leo ," he answered. "And it's legal for me to lay here."
The man chuckled at that. "I am not a police officer. I would just like to know what led to your being here."
"Meaning…?"
"How have you ended up lying in the street? I assume you had a home before."
Leo thought about that for a second, then answered, "I can't really say. I'm just here."
"Do you enjoy being on the street?" the man asked curiously.
"Not really, but, like, I don't care , so…"
The man looked at Leo confused. "You do not care that you are homeless?"
Leo smiled at that. "I can't say I do," he told him.
"So then, if you could change your life, would you?"
"Nope."
The man raised his eyebrows at that. He wasn’t expecting such an answer. Most other people would immediately say yes.
He considered walking away once more, but opted to stay. He didn’t know why, but he wanted to help this person. He felt like the young man was desperately pleading for help, and he didn’t want to let him down.
He considered for a moment what to say, then asked, "What if I offered you a wish? Besides money or things that could hurt you, I mean. What would you wish for?"
Leo thought about that for a second, then answered with a slur, "I'd wish to be a pony in Equestria."
"But I thought you said you did not care?"
"I don't," he answered, "but being there would be way better than being here."
"You would rather be there than wish for a better life here?"
"Absolutely."
"And you would not be concerned about what became of this life, or the people in it?"
"Why would I be? I could just completely forget about it."
"What if the circumstances where you wish to go were not the way you expected?" the man asked. "What if your life there was just as difficult there as it is here?"
"Any life there would be infinitely better than being here," Leo told him as a matter of fact.
"That is an interesting sentiment," the man told him. He paused, then asked, "So you are certain that if I gave you one wish, you would wish for that?"
"Absolutely," Leo told him.
"And would you be fine with your wish being permanent? If I did this, you would not be able to take it back."
"I wouldn't want to take it back," Leo answered with a smile.
The man smiled, and said, "Well, then consider it granted. Just close your eyes for me."
Leo shrugged. "If you say so," he said, and obliged.
The man touched a finger to Leo's forehead, viewing his thoughts and memories, finding a life for him, and then, eventually, sending him on his way, letting him vanish into thin air.
"It might be painful, but I truly wish you well, my friend," the man whispered as people gathered around and clapped as though this were a show put on for them. The man turned slightly towards them, giving a wave and a small smile, then stood up to continue on to somewhere else.
I couldn't remember the last time I slept the night in a bed. It felt nice and had a soothing effect on my pony body, which was much needed after the end of an extremely stressful day. Just to spend the night in a bed made me feel like all of my anger and frustration was worth it
I was surprised to be woken up by Doctor Spark the next morning, and she explained that she would be there the entire day to watch over me.
“Don’t you have other ponies to help?” I asked her.
“Nope,” she told me with a smile. “And even if I did, I would still want to be here with you.”
“She probably tells all her patients that,” my human mind thought.
“Okay, what are we doing today?”
She laughed lightly at that. “You’ll find out,” she said. “For now, how about we eat some breakfast?” With that, she set a tray of fresh fruits and vegetables in front of me, foods I could eat by myself , which I was grateful for. She watched for a few minutes while I ate, then started to ask me more questions.
“So Leo, do you go to school?”
I frowned at that. “Not in a while,” I admitted, slightly embarrassed.
Doctor Spark frowned back at me. “Oh, that’s not good. Why don’t you go?”
I looked down at the ground, my pony body beginning to get uncomfortable. "Because I'm a stupid idiot who threw his life away," I thought.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You don’t have to answer that if you don't want to. What do you like to do for fun?”
“Use drugs,” my human mind thought. “And sometimes watch My Little Pony.”
I opted to answer with “I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” she asked me curiously. “Do you not have any fun?”
I shrugged “I guess not,” my pony body said quietly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she told me sympathetically, as she ruffled my mane. The way she did that sent a wave of sadness through my pony body. I sniffed slightly, and she extended her arm around me, in an attempt to comfort me. “I’m sorry, Leo,” she whispered.
“Why am I getting upset?” I thought. “That was basically a lie!”
“I just… I don’t know,” the childish part of me thought.
Oh, yeah. That. I had nearly forgotten about my pony body’s effect on me. I assumed that I had been so stressed out the day before that I had been subconsciously pushing it away. However, now that I was less stressed, it was returning. “Well, this is just great,” I thought.
Still, I accepted her comfort. I didn’t want to get worked up and start crying again . I closed my eyes and let her rub my back with her hoof, not wanting to admit to myself that it felt nice to be comforted.
“Did you want to finish the rest of your food?” she asked after a while, pulling away from me. I shook my head, and she asked, “Did you need to go to the bathroom or anything?”
.”No,” my pony body whispered.
“Did you want to try and work on your magic again? Or-”
“When are they going to be here?” my colt body asked as I scratched my cheek, referring to Herbal Essence and Thundertail.
“Why do you care?” I asked my pony body. “There’s nothing different they would do that she would.”
“I know, but…” my pony body thought. “I want them here.”
“Why?” I asked it, getting frustrated. “You knew them for a day!”
“I don’t know….”
“Well then suck it up,” I told it. “You are absolutely pathetic.”
“I don’t know where Herbal Essence and Thundertail are, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me honestly. “They said they’d be here first thing in the morning.” I must have looked hurt by that answer, because she quickly added, “I bet they’ll be here soon, though. They do live in Baltimare, and they might be late because they’re working on a way to see you whenever you want.”
“Okay, so Herbal Essence and Thundertail fostering us definitely wasn’t completely predictable,” my human mind thought sarcastically. “Didn’t they just find us yesterday?”
“For now,” Doctor Spark started, “while we wait for them to get here, why don’t we-”
She was interrupted by a knock on the door, and both of us looked to see a bright orange stallion with a nearly black mane poke his head inside. “Hello?” he called out, looking to Doctor Spark. Then he looked at me.
Two things that I wasn’t prepared for happened in the next few seconds. The first was the stallion’s reaction to seeing me. He looked completely shocked to see me there, as if I wasn’t supposed to be there, and called out to me, “Son!”
“Well… damn,” I thought as my pony body looked at him, completely shocked. “Evidently, I didn’t just pop into existence here.” Which, of course, made sense. Ponies were born. They didn’t just pop up out of nowhere. Still, this was going to make things extremely complicated.
And then, the stallion took a step into the room, along with somepony else behind him, and the second thing I didn’t expect happened. My pony body flinched hard, gasping slightly as it did so. I felt it quickly become filled with fear and panic as the stallion made his way into the room, followed by a blue-coated unicorn, a mare.
“Oh, shit,” me and my human mind thought together at my pony body’s reaction as I felt it breathe faster and faster.
"Son!" the mare said with a smile that I immediately thought was forced. "We've missed you so much!".
"We're so glad you're safe!" the stallion told me.
With that, I felt my pony body start to shake, and was unable to take my eyes off of them, off the mare in particular. "I might be a drug addict, but I'm getting the feeling that you're not glad I'm safe," my human mind thought as I felt my pony body’s rising panic work its way to me.
The way my pony body was reacting gave me an awful feeling about them. So much so that I silently hoped Doctor Spark wouldn't let them come near me. I didn't know why, but the word that started to enter my mind was abuse . I knew I had no reason to think that, no reason to think anything of them. I'd never met them before and knew nothing about them, and tried to put the thought out of my head. Still, the thought bounced around, and it made me nervous.
She stepped in front of the bed just before my pony body started to hyperventilate. "I can't let you see him," she told the couple seriously.
The stallion frowned at that. "Why not?" he asked, immediately seeming defensive. "He's our son!"
"I understand," Doctor Spark told them a bit more kindly, "but there's a process we have to go through, and we can’t just let-”
“You’re telling us we can’t see our own son?” the mare asked angrily.
“No,” Doctor Spark explained, remaining calm. “I’m saying there are things you have to do before you can see him. We can’t just let anypony come into a patient's room, even if they claim to be their parents.”
"But he's our son !"
"I understand that, but-"
"So then why can't we see him?" she asked, almost yelling.
"You can " Doctor Spark told her, keeping an even tone, "but you need to follow the proper rules we have set up here."
“So what are we supposed to do?” the mare asked her angrily.
“Well," she told them, "you can check in and fill out the necessary documents needed to visit him, which you can find with the receptionist. It won’t take too long to get through, and she can help you out with them if you need it.”
The mare started tried to continue to argue, but the stallion put a hoof on her shoulder. “Come on,” he said. “Let’s just go fill out what we need to so we can take him home.” With that, the two turned to walk out in a huff.
“This is ridiculous,” the mare muttered.
“That was… unexpected,” my human mind thought. "They didn't even realize that she couldn't have known whether they checked in or not."
Doctor Spark was amazing on the spot. In a hospital she didn't work in, against an angry couple who wanted to see their son, with a terrified colt next to her, she quickly took control and deescalated the situation. It was impressive.
Several moments passed before I felt Doctor Spark put her arms around my shaking pony body. I felt her hoof run up and down my back in a comforting way, and I closed my eyes. “It’s okay,” she whispered soothingly. “You don’t have to see them or go back to them if you don’t want to. We’ll make sure of it."
I felt my pony body began to shiver out tears of what I assumed were sadness and pain and fear. It was clearly traumatized by something. By what, I didn’t want to guess. It made more sense now why it cried and got upset all the time. I, however, quickly became furious now that the moment was over. I assumed that this pony body just spawned into existence when I came here. I was operating under the assumption that I had no backstory and would have to explain to these ponies that I wasn’t an abuse victim. I didn’t expect this pony body to be an actual abuse victim. The knowledge of that made me want to explode.
I could not stand that genie, and I hated myself for even talking to him in the first place. All he’d given me was a never ending onslaught of every single circumstance that could possibly make me go back to the way I used to live. I just wanted to be a pony in Equestria. I assumed that meant that I would live in Ponyville and meet Twilight and her friends. Maybe he’d turn me into a mare and I’d be embarrassed. I didn’t think it meant being a five-year-old with as much baggage as I could possibly fucking stand!
I was furious about the situation, but didn't know how I was supposed to deal with it. I felt like everything would just keep getting worse, and there was nothing I could do about it. I felt like I was on a different road to the same ending. Because of that, I did something I knew I shouldn’t do. I bit my cheek.
“Leo,” Doctor Spark told me softly, still hugging me and rubbing my back, “I know it’s hard, but you can’t bite yourself.”
“I can’t help it!” I choked out in between tears, still biting down.
She went silent at that, and gently used her magic to massage my cheeks until my bite loosened. Then she put my head against her chest. She stayed quiet for several minutes, still rubbing my back, letting my pony body sob, trying to get me to calm down. Then she spoke again.
"I'm sorry, Leo," she tried to tell me soothingly. "I know how bad you feel, but-"
"No you don't!" I shouted angrily, wanting to push her away from me, my pony body opting instead to stay wrapped in her arms. "It's just going to keep getting worse! I hate my life! "
"It's going to get better, Leo-"
"No, it won't !" I told her bitterly. I knew that genie would keep making things worse for me. It was never going to stop. I was never going to change. I was never going to stop being so itchy .
Doctor Spark paused for a second, as if debating if she should tell me something, then continued. "I know how you feel, Leo. My parents were… mean to me, too. I know it's hard."
"You didn't throw away your life for no good reason," I thought angrily. "You had every reason to just give up, and didn't. I had no reason to throw everything away, but I did because I justdidn'tcare. And now I'm a scared, likely abused, colt because of how stupid I was."
"I know how bad you feel, Leo," she continued, "and I know how much it hurts, but you can't hurt yourself . It's not going to make you feel better."
"So far," I thought as I scratched my face, "it's been the only thing that's kept me from cursing and screaming about just how much I hate myself and everything around me, the life I lived four days ago, and how much I want to die right now. And even then it still hasn't been working that well."
"I promise they won't come back if you don't want them to," she told me. "They won't come back here, Leo."
I rubbed my head against her chest, gently scratching my cheek, trying to calm myself down. I couldn't let myself get worked up. I had to manage myself and this pony body. Its fear already made me fearful. There was a reason it was afraid, and its fear made me shiver at the thought that those two could come back at any moment. I knew that whatever they did had to have been horrible to get that kind of reaction. Still, I took guilty solace in the fact that whatever they did didn't happen to me . They might not have even done anything to this colt body, either. This could all just be an overreaction, a hope that I was going to cling to.
It wasn't much later before Herbal Essence and Thundertail showed up, silently making their way over to me upon seeing my condition. I couldn't tell why, but their presence seemed to have a calming effect on me. I lay down and closed my eyes as the couple stroked my back and mane, and I could feel this pony body's tension and fear start to dissipate. I didn't fall asleep though. Instead, I tried to think about what just happened and what it meant.
It could have just been that this colt body felt guilty about running away and had the most severe overreaction possible, but I knew that was extremely unlikely. In the moment, I felt its terror at their proximity to me, and it was strong enough to make me afraid. There was almost certainly a reason this pony body was afraid of them, and I didn't really want to think about what they could've done to produce that kind of reaction.
Then I started to wonder if that was really this colt body's reaction, or if that was my reaction. I initially dismissed that idea. I wasn’t an abuse victim. I was a drug addict who just so happened to be in this poor colt’s body. But then I started to question that. Was I really a drug addict? Sure, all of my actions fit, but all of my actions also fit being an abused colt.
Was I ever really a human, or had I been a colt my whole life? This entire time, I'd been under the assumption that I was me, and I was fighting against somepony else. That theory still made sense. But then again, I could still feel its want to be comforted, its hurt when it admitted to not having any fun or being treated unfairly. I felt its terror at that couple's sight, it's panic at the thought that they might come closer. As much as I tried to control this body, I couldn't ignore those feelings that it gave me. I didn’t remember ever being a colt, or, at least, I didn't think so, but I did hear about people getting amnesia forgetting about traumatic events. That’s what could have happened to me, with my brain backfilling for the missing pieces.
“First of all, that’s ridiculous,” my human mind thought as I scratched my cheek. “This colt body recognized its parents, but you didn’t. That’s not really ‘amnesia’. Second, we can't even be sure this colt was abused.”
"So what? It nearly had a panic attack from the guilt of running away? No child, no matter what they did, naturally reacts that way to seeing its parents."
"We can't even be sure it's our parents! Just because they say they are doesn't make it true,".
"That stallion had a nearly black mane and dark green eyes just like mine," I thought. "That mare's coat matched mine to a tee!"
"That could just as easily be a coincidence," my human mind said.
“All of the facts point to this colt being abused by that couple, and our actions fit abuse much better than drug addiction,” I told it as I scratched my cheek. “My itching could just as easily be anxiety as it could be addiction. It actually fits anxiety better I think, since it’s only in one spot.”
“So what? You just imagined living on the street? You’re backfilling awful memories with more awful memories?”
“If I was a human,” I asked my human mind, “then what happened to the pony who inhabited this body? Where is he?”
“Probably in your human body! I don’t know!”
“ That’s ridiculous. If someone else existed in this body, then they have to still be here because of our reaction to that couple. But I don’t hear anyone else in here, so this all makes much more sense if I was always a colt.”
“So what?” my human mind asked, starting to get angry. “You just imagined learning to read and write and do math way above what a five year old could do? You just imagined remembering dozens of songs and stories and conversations you’ve had? You just imagined ruining your life?”
“That mare called us Leo! How do you explain that?”.
“She absolutely did not,” my human mind told me. “You are making that up.”
“She absolutely did.”
“No, she didn’t. And even if she did, so what?”
“It means that our human past wasn’t real.”
“Even if it wasn’t truly real, it was real enough. Even if it was just all a hallucination, it was still real. You can't just abandon all of that on a whim.”
“If it didn't actually happen,” I said with finality, scratching my cheek, “then it wasn't real, and it doesn’t matter.”
My human mind made my pony body clench its jaw. “Okay, it’s not real. Now what? You convince yourself to go back to drug use since it didn’t actually happen? You convince yourself it’s okay because you’re not really a drug addict? You throw your life away again?”
“I’M ITCHY!” I screamed in my head. “AND I’M TIRED OF IT!”
I could feel my pony body’s teeth chattering, those tears I hated starting to form again. Even when I wasn’t thinking about it, that itchiness was still there, and I hated it. I desperately wanted it to go away, and, at that point, I didn't care how. I found myself suddenly wishing for Doctor Spark to offer me medicine.
Herbal Essence put her arms around me, rubbing her forehead on my shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Leo,” she said, barely a whisper.
“The past isn’t real,” I thought, scratching my face, shaking from my itching, trying to convince myself of it. “I’ve never been a human, and taking medicine won’t hurt me.”
“You’re safe here,” she said soothingly. “Nopony’s going to hurt you,”.
“It’s not going to hurt me,” I thought as I desperately tried to ignore being itchy, hating this feeling with all my heart.
It felt like an eternity trying to ignore being itchy before their presence started to get me to calm down again. There was something about them, about Herbal Essence in particular, that did that. It was a nice feeling, and I put my focus on that, allowing myself to be comforted by her. I was just about to drift off before I eventually felt her stop rubbing my back. I didn’t quite notice at first, but once I did, my pony body looked up to see they were already out the door.
“Where are they going?” I asked Doctor Spark worriedly, my itching coming back.
"They're going to come back in a little while," she assured me. "I just wanted to talk to you privately for now."
"Okay…"
She got down to eye level with me. "Are you feeling okay, Leo?"
I shrugged slightly, looking away. "I guess," I lied.
"Do you know who those ponies are?"
"I have a pretty good idea," I thought.
My pony body was silent, still looking away, opting not to answer.
"Was that your mom and dad, Leo?" she asked me softly.
I stayed quiet, my pony body shrinking back slightly at that. I could feel myself getting upset again.
"Leo," she told me, and used her hoof to gently turn my head, looking me in the eyes. "I know it's hard," she whispered, "but I need to know if they're hurting you. I won't make you go back to them if they were, okay?". She paused for a second, as if hoping I would tell her on my own, then asked, “Do your parents ever hurt you?”
“Yes,” I thought, suddenly feeling afraid.
I had no idea where the feeling came from. Even though I tried briefly to convince myself I was, I didn’t actually believe I was this colt for my whole life. I was a human for twenty years and several months before four days ago. But still, I wanted to say yes. I wasn’t just feeling its fear, or its desire to say yes. I myself felt afraid. I myself wanted to say yes.
“No,” I whispered.
I couldn’t say yes. Sure, I felt afraid, but I didn’t know if there was an actual reason to be afraid. For all I knew, I could have been putting two innocent ponies in custody.
“Are they ever mean to you, Leo?”
I sniffed, feeling its sadness and pain start to infect me. I closed my eyes and tried to believe what my human mind told me earlier. I was not an abused colt. I was a stupid idiot who threw his life away stuck in this abused colt’s body, assuming it was indeed abused.
“No,” I whispered, opening my eyes and looking away.
"Why were you so scared?" she asked me.
The way she asked almost got me. I just about told her that I thought they were hurting me, but stopped myself. Saying that could ruin their lives, and I wasn't going to make accusations that I couldn't confirm. For all I knew, that could have been a withdrawal symptom.
“I don’t know,” I told her honestly, pushing away my pony body’s urge to cry.
“Leo,” she whispered, putting a hoof on my cheek, looking upset, “I know it’s hard, but you have to tell me what happened. We can’t fix anything if we don’t know,”.
I started to tear up. Not from the conversation, but from her hoof. It was resting directly on my cheek, in a position that she could easily start scratching it in, but she wasn’t. I was itchy, and she wasn’t scratching .
Why did she have to put her hoof on that cheek? She knew that was the cheek that was bothering me. She knew this itching was more than I could stand. She wanted to see me suffer.
"Or maybe she's telling you it won't hurt you," I thought. "She's saying it's okay to accept help. She's saying one won't hurt you. She's saying one won't ruin your life."
“Don’t you ask ,” my human mind told me, being the rational one this time. “You’re a fool if you do. Whether it does something or not, either way, you’ll be worse off.” "Ignore your itching," my human mind told me.
I closed my eyes. “One can’t hurt me,” I thought. “She wouldn’t give a colt addictive substances. It’s not going to hurt me.”
"Ignore your itching," my human mind told me. "Cry. Kick and scream at her. Bite yourself. Do.Not.Ask."
“We won’t let them hurt you, Leo,” Doctor Spark tried to tell me.
“It won’t hurt me,” I told myself, trying to rationalize what I was about to do. “The past isn’t real, so it can’t hurt me.”
I looked up at her and whispered, “Can I have some medicine, please?” with tear filled eyes.
The Feeling You Get (continued)
“Are you sure that's what you want?” she asked me softly. Her hoof stayed on my cheek as she looked into my eyes, trying to read me.
“You're pathetic, you know that?” my human mind told me. “You completely blew it, but got as lucky as you could possibly get. And now, you're blowing it again.”
“I don’t feel lucky!” I snapped at it. “I feel itchy!”
It paused at that, deciding on what to tell me, then asked, "Why are you so self destructive?"
"I'm not-"
"Yes you are," it interrupted. "You keep saying that you want to change, but have done absolutely nothing about it. You say that you didn't care before, but for that to be true, you have to care now."
"I care! I've done everything I can to-"
"No, you haven't. You've just been going along with whatever happens, hoping your circumstances will change by itself."
"What am I supposed to do? Tell them that I'm a struggling addict in need of help?"
"That would actually be a good start."
"You were the one who told me to lie! You were the one who-".
" No. Not you. We. I. I told myself to lie and be resistive. I tried to convince myself not to change."
I closed my eyes. I knew that was true. My human mind and I were one and the same. I knew that I was the one trying to push myself into what was wrong for me. I also knew that I didn't care. I wanted to care. I tried to care. But I just couldn't, and I didn't know why.
"So then ask her how," I told myself. "She's a psychologist. It's her job to help you. Besides, you clearly have deeper issues than just addiction."
"Leo?" she asked, whispering.
"Um…" I started, looking away. She stayed quiet, still looking at me, waiting for me to say what I wanted to say. "Your hoof is making me itchy," I told her.
"Is it?" she continued to whisper, keeping it on my cheek.
"She's doing it on purpose to break you down," I thought. "She wants you to talk about yourself. She's trying to help you. Stop resisting her."
I closed my eyes and took deeper and deeper breaths, the tears that formed earlier starting to run down. "Just tell her what's bothering you," I thought. "Just let her help you."
I sniffed, hating this itching, and finally whispered, "It's going to hurt me."
"What's going to hurt you, Leo?".
I hated doing this. I didn't want to tell her what I was feeling. I wanted to keep resisting, but I sucked it up and told her.
"That medicine," I told her, a bit louder than before.
"Why would it hurt you?" she asked softly.
I clenched my teeth. "Why am I so against telling her?," I thought. "She's not going to be mad at me. She just wants to help me. Mandy probably had to do the exact same thing when her parents sent her to rehab, minus the fact that she wasn't five."
"Do you take medicine when you don't need it?"
"Yes," I said through my teeth and tears.
"Does somepony else give it to you," she asked, "or do you take it on purpose?".
I did not want to go through this. If I wanted to do this, I would have wished to see a therapist. I felt myself getting more upset.
“On purpose! ” I got out, frustrated.
“Why would you do that, Leo?” Doctor Spark asked softly.
“What’s that?” my pony body suddenly asked worriedly, looking towards the door, its ear twitching from something it heard outside.
Doctor Spark towards the door, and we listened, hearing muffled yelling.
“He’s not even your son! He’s ours!”
“We saved him! You let him run away and sleep on the sidewalk!”
“We spent days looking for Leo! It’s not our fault he ran away!”
“From what I hear, it was your fault!”
My pony body out a combination of a gasp and a sob at their words. It hated knowing that it was the cause of their yelling, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s not your fault, okay?” she told me. “I’ll be back in just a minute, kiddo.”
Herbal Essence and Thundertail walked out to see the slightly overweight, bright orange stallion, Lucky Day, and his older looking wife, Blue Mist, sitting in lobby chairs in front of Leo’s room.
“Oh,” Lucky Day started, rolling his eyes. “So now a couple of bozo’s get to see Leo before we do?”
“With all due respect, sir,” Thundertail started, “we were the ones who found Leo. You could, you know, thank us?”
“Stop that, Thunder!” Herbal Essence told him. “They’re just upset that they can’t see him yet.”
“You’re damn right I’m upset!” Lucky Day said loudly. “We spent days worrying about him, trying to find out where he was, and now that we found him we can’t even see him. But they let a couple of strangers just walk in and see him whenever they want?"
"We're trying to keep him calm."
"He’s not even your son! He’s ours !”
“We saved him! You let him run away and sleep on the sidewalk!”
“We spent days looking for Leo! It’s not our fault he ran away!”
“From what I hear, it was your fault!”
“What are you saying? That we neglect Leo? That we hit him?”
“You do have the look of an abusive couple!”
“Thundertail, stop that! ”
“What are you doing?” Doctor Spark asked aggressively in a hushed whisper, suddenly appearing before them. The four turned to look at her. “You’re yelling about him right in front of his room and making him scared!”
“This guy ,” Lucky Day said, pointing at Thundertail, “is saying that we hit Leo! That we abuse him! We wouldn’t do that to him!”
“That’s not what I heard.”
“We would never do that!" Lucky Day yelled, stamping his hoof angrily. "We would never lay a hoof on Leo!”
“From the way he reacted to seeing you, I have a hard time believing that.”
“Stop it!” Doctor Spark whispered loudly. She then turned to Thundertail. “You. Go home. You’re not seeing Leo today. The rest of you, sit in the lobby and be quiet before I send you home, too.”
With a huff, she turned around and reentered the room to see a curled up, crying colt with his back to the door.
“Leo,” Doctor Spark whispered, stroking his mane gently, “it’s going to be okay.”
“They’re yelling because of me,” he sniffed. “All I do is mess things up.”
“Don’t say that,” she tried to tell him. “It’s not your fault.”
Leo stayed silent at that. “All I do is mess things up,” the colt thought. “I ruined my own life, and now I’m ruining this colt’s life, too.”
This day had felt endless so far, so I was surprised when Doctor Spark asked if I wanted lunch.
“I know it’s a little early,” she said softly, “but let’s get some more food in you. I’m just going to be gone for a little bit, okay?”
I listened as she went out, leaving me alone to think. At that moment, even after all I went through in such a short span of time, I felt the clearest headed I’d been since the first few hours I’d been in Equestria. I used this chance to truly examine my situation.
The first thing I thought about was myself. Or, at least, myself in this colt body. There was clearly something wrong with me, but I didn’t know what. I was getting angry and upset for no reason, and actively resisting offers for help. I didn’t know if this was a psychological effect from my withdrawal, or if it was a symptom of some larger issue. Either way, I had to get better. I had to care. As hard as it seemed to be, I knew I had to care.
The second thing was this colt body. I couldn't tell if it and I were separate entities or if we were one and the same, but I was leaning towards the latter while hoping for the former. The idea that I actually was this colt and not just inhabiting its body was scary, to say the least. I had my own issues to work through, and was afraid of the idea that whatever it potentially went through before I entered the picture actually happened to me .
The third was that genie. I wanted to know why he gave me these circumstances. My initial reaction was that he hated me and wanted to see me suffer, and I still very much believed that. However, I was going to be positive and pretend that he was just incredibly dumb and thought I could help this poor colt. Regardless, if I ever saw him again, which, at that point, felt pretty unlikely, he would have some serious explaining to do to me.
The fourth was my plan moving forward. I needed an actual goal to achieve. That would be tough to come up with. There wasn't really anything I wanted to do with my future. I knew I wanted to change, but I didn't know what I wanted to do after that, or what I wanted to change into. I did want to go to Ponyville and meet characters I could actually recognize , but beyond that, I had no idea what to shoot for. I knew I needed something to care about. That was part of what went wrong before for me. I didn't really have anything to care about. Or, more precisely, I had things to care about, but nothing I did care about. I knew I would need to find something.
Of course, finding something or somepony to care about would likely be contingent on me actually receiving help. Which was not going to be easy, seeing as I didn't want it. It felt ridiculous to me. I didn’t think I would need to be told to not use drugs. I didn’t think I'd need to be told that I should care about what happens to me. But, apparently, I did, because I was just that stupid.
I watched as Doctor Spark came back with another tray of fruits and vegetables, this one having a small pile of hay on it as well. “I know you don’t like it,” she told me kindly, “but I need you to eat some hay. We want to keep you healthy and strong.”
"I'm not hungry," I whispered, still feeling upset.
"Can you eat just a little bit, Leo?”
I shook my head, saying, “No,” quietly.
She set the tray on the counter for later and got down to eye level once again. “Is it okay if we talk about you again?”
I hated this. I really, really didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to tell her about my problems or about how I was feeling. Some irrational part of me thought it might just be better to throw my life away again than talk to her about myself.
I sighed. “I already told you about me,” I told her quietly, with a tone in my voice.
She sighed as well, sensing my frustration, deciding how best to approach me. “Leo,” she started, opening her mouth to say something else, then stopping and sighing again. “I know it’s hard, and I know it hurts, but I want to help you. I can’t do that though unless I know what’s going on. I’m not going to be mad at you, even if what you say seemsj bad. I just want to help you.”
“What more am I supposed to say?” I asked her, annoyed.
“How about how you’re feeling?”
“I feel like I don’t want to do this!” I said, frustrated.
“Why not?” she asked, hoping to get something out of me.
“Because!” I said with a huff, scratching my face.
She looked at me, seemingly upset with my answer. She looked like she was about to move on to something else for us to do.
“Stop resisting her,” I thought, closing my eyes. “She's just trying to get you better. At least give her something to work with.”
“I feel like I’d rather just not care about myself than go through this,” I told her, speaking quieter.
“You don’t care about yourself?”
“Not really…”
“Why not?”
I sighed again, my frustration waning. “I don’t know,” I told her, my voice quiet again.
Doctor Spark was silent for a few seconds at my answer, then asked in a whisper, “Is that why you take medicine you don’t need?”
I shut my eyes and sniffed. “Yes,” I whispered back to her.
I hated these child-like emotions. I felt like they were distorting my thinking and making things more difficult for me. My old human body would have answered these questions straightforwardly, not getting upset over them. I guess it was a sign that I care a little , but not enough for me to want to accept help. Or do much of anything for that matter.
My old body was the perfect existence. I could do whatever I wanted without fear of consequences because I just didn’t care about anything. In some ways, it would be easier to get help in that body because I wouldn’t care so much about talking about the life I lived or how I felt. It would be the same if I cared more about myself. It seemed as though me caring just a little bit was the worst position I could be in.
“I’m so sorry you feel that way,” Doctor Spark whispered to me. She paused again, then continued, “Do you feel like you don’t want to be alive, Leo?”
“Okay, this again,” I thought as I answered, “No.”
“Do you feel like hurting yourself again, Leo?”
“No! ” I told her, my frustration returning. “I just… don’t care about myself, and I don’t know why! ”
My voice trembled by the end of the sentence, my tears starting to return. I decided it was a waste of energy to get worked up over them. I’d be dealing with them probably every day for the next several years at least, so I knew I might as well get used to it. Instead, I looked to Doctor Spark, waiting for her to tell me what to do to care. I was trying to stop resisting, and she was supposed to help me. However, instead, all I got was her mouth opening and closing several times, unable to find something to tell me. I turned my head away from her, and I heard her simply say, “I’m sorry, Leo.”
I hated almost not caring. Caring a little meant that her words hurt me. It hurt knowing that I didn’t care and there was nothing I could do about it but screw everything up again. "I hate myself and my life," I thought.
“Is there anypony you care about?” she suddenly asked me. I looked back to her and shook my head, sniffing. “What about Herbal Essence and Thundertail?” she asked me.
“I guess,” I whispered. “But I don’t really know them.”
“What about your parents?” she asked.
I didn't like that question. I knew that was an attempt to get me to talk about them, especially since she didn't have an answer for me not caring about myself. Not that it would do anything. It was impossible for me to talk about them since I knew next to nothing about them. At least, that's what I thought, which is why I was surprised when, before I could react, I found myself saying, “Just my dad sometimes.”
I had no idea where that came from, but I said it so naturally that I was afraid. I was afraid that I actually was this colt, and I wasn’t just in its body. I was already leaning towards that being the case, and this did nothing but make it more likely to be the truth. I didn't want to be this colt. I wanted to be me in this colt's body . I also hated the implications of what I said. It was implying that my dad was only sometimes good to me, and my mom was never good to me. I was implying that my mom abused me.
Doctor Spark obviously picked up on this as well, and asked, “Just your dad sometimes? Why not your mom?”
I stayed silent at that. I didn’t want to learn about what this colt might have gone through. I wanted to be ignorant and pretend that it didn’t like its mother because of something dumb, like making me eat hay.
She waited a few seconds, seeing if I would answer, then moved on. “Is there anypony you want to meet, or someplace you want to go?”
“I want to go to Ponyville,” I told her, surprised, and slightly embarrassed, by the question. “Or to Canterlot to see Twilight Sparkle,” I added.
“And Rainbow Dash and Rarity?” she asked me.
I smiled a tiny smile, my first one in days. “And Pinkie Pie and Applejack and Fluttershy,” I said, getting excited.
“Well, that’s a reason to care,” she told me, putting a smile on her own face. “Care so you can grow up and meet them.”
The thought of meeting them made me happy for a few seconds. Then another thought hit me, and I frowned again. “What happens after that?” I asked her. “What do I care about then?”
“Well,” she said, keeping the smile on her face, “by the time you’re able to meet them, you’ll have other ponies in your life to care about.”
The Narrative That's Built
I didn’t believe what she said. I didn’t think I’d have other ponies in my life to care about, mostly because my main reason for wishing to come here wasn’t to get better, it was to meet Twilight Sparkle. Getting better was mostly an afterthought at the time I made my wish. Besides, even if I wanted to care, I didn’t think I could. I was too dumb and stupid to make friends who didn’t use drugs, and I had a strong feeling that this colt body didn’t have any friends of its own.
Doctor Spark quickly realized that I didn’t believe her, and frowned. “You’re going to make friends, Leo,” she tried to encourage me.
I sighed sadly at that. I wasn’t going to make friends here. All of the ponies in my age group were four to six years old, and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be connecting with them very well. I might be able to connect more with adults or teenagers, but I didn’t think I’d be actively sought out by them.
“You’re going to make friends, Leo,” she told me as though it were a fact. “But for now, I’ll be your friend. And so will Herbal Essence and Thundertail.”
“If you say so,” I said with a whisper.
“How about we work on your magic, kiddo?” she said quickly, trying to change the subject. I didn’t respond, instead simply watching as she took out the black box of chips, once again dumping them in front of me. “Do you remember what to do?” she asked kindly.
“I think so,” I told her.
We worked on it for a while, and it was a bit easier today than it was yesterday. By the end of a couple of hours, with a great deal of effort, I was able to grip things with my magic and pick up the smaller chips a few inches.
“I’m done,” I eventually told her, tired from using my magic.
“How about lunch then?” Doctor Spark asked me, retrieving the tray of food she brought in earlier and setting it in front of me.
I sighed, wanting to go to sleep at that moment, but opting to follow her instructions and eat. However, just before I could grab something with my teeth she stopped me.
“Nope,” she told me. “I want you to use your magic to eat.” Before I could even start to complain, she broke in, saying sympathetically, “I know you can’t pick it up that well and you’re tired from using your magic, but we need to build up your magic field to what it should be at for your age.” She then picked up an apple and held it close to me. “I’ll hold it out for you to grab, and you take it from me to eat, okay?”
She might have been trying to build my magic up, but I knew this was mostly about getting me to accept help. “Well,” I thought, using my magic to grab it, “she is helping me eat, but not technically.”
Piece by piece, we worked through the tray of food until most of it was gone. It was much more difficult than working with the chips, and she effectively was feeding me while I simply gripped it and followed her magic. Regardless, it was exhausting, and by the time I finished, my eyes were getting heavy. My breathing was also heavy, and it felt like I just finished a round of heavy lifting.
“Tired after all of that, huh?” she commented. “Did you need to go to the bathroom before you went to sleep?”
I nodded my head yes, too tired to be resistive, and was helped out of bed. A few minutes later, after the embarrassing, yet uneventful, ordeal, we came out to see another mare who looked remarkably like Herbal Essence, except older than her with a bit darker of a coat and a brown mane. I was starting to notice that all of the ponies I met thus far had darker shades of coats than what I was used to seeing on TV. Even the stallion who claimed to be my father’s coat was a more muted shade of bright orange. I wondered if it had something to do with the region we were in, or if it was just a coincidence.
Doctor Spark gently put me back in bed, asking, “What is it, doctor…”
“Willow,” Willow informed her, “And, um, I’m the receptionist.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Doctor Spark apologized. “Is it about visiting Leo?”
“Yes, um, well, Lucky Day and Blue Mist are wondering when they can see Leo.”
Those names made my ears prick up, and my eyes automatically stopped being heavy. I’d never heard the names before, but automatically recognized them as my mother and father. They gave me a sense of dread, and Doctor Spark quickly took note of this.
“Leo,” she told me once again, “you can tell us if you don’t want to see them. You’re not going to get in trouble if you don’t want to.”
“I do,” I said quickly, unconvincingly, as I scratched at my cheek. That was a lie. I didn’t want to see them, and neither did this pony body. But somehow, I felt… afraid . Afraid of what might happen if I said no. That I’d be punished for saying no. So I doubled down. “I... want to see them,” I whispered in a voice filled with nervousness and fear.
She could tell how much I wanted to say no, but couldn’t do much about it since I already said yes. So, instead, she tried to reassure me. “I’ll be here, and so will Herbal Essence if you want, okay? And if you feel overwhelmed, just let me know and I’ll make them leave.”
“What about Thundertail?” I automatically asked.
“He had to leave, but he promised he’d be here tomorrow, okay?”
“Okay,” I whispered, feeling the tiniest bit better.
“You can bring them in,” she told Willow in a neutral tone. Once the receptionist left, she knelt down next to me. “If you want them to leave or feel like they’re going to hurt you, just touch your ear and I’ll make them leave.”
Before I had a chance to respond to her, three ponies were entering the room, the first being the orange stallion who I somehow knew to be named Lucky Day. I didn’t have the reaction I did earlier, but I still tensed up at his sight.
Before, this pony body was shocked at his appearance, and sent fear through me with no explanation. Now, however, I felt myself fearing what would be behind Lucky Day, and flinched as I saw Blue Mist walking into the room. Behind both of them was Herbal Essence, who quietly took a seat in one of the chairs in the room as this colt's parents quickly made their way up to me. “Son!” They both exclaimed as Blue Mist made her way around the bed.
I closed my eyes and clenched my jaw at that, flinching. “Please don’t touch me,” I thought as I scratched my face, hating the feeling I was getting about her.
“Ma’am,” Doctor Spark spoke before she could lay a hoof on me. “I can't let you hold him.”
She looked at her, seeming confused. “Well, why not?”
“Well, he’s still feeling a bit sore from being outside for so long, and we don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Leo,” she told me, and put a hoof on the inside of my calf, a gesture that nearly made me jump.
“She did that on purpose,” I thought, repressing my urge to shudder. I needed to calm down. She was just trying to comfort me. It was no different than if Herbal Essence or Doctor Spark were trying to comfort me. Although, I didn't think that either of them would put their hooves on my calf. Then again, neither one of them was my mother.
Doctor Spark explained to them the general condition I was in as Blue Mist rubbed my calf. It felt like a familiar sensation, an unwelcome sensation, and it took all of my will power to keep from freaking out. "Nothing bad is going to happen," I told myself. Even if she tried to do something, assuming that she did , in fact, have bad intentions, which probably wasn't the case, there were at least two other ponies in here that would stop her.
I was overreacting. It wasn't going to come to her having to be stopped because there was nothing bad or devious going on here. My pony body overreacted to seeing them the first time, and that fact was making me overreact this time and putting unpleasant thoughts in my head now. She was just a mother trying to comfort her son. Still, the feeling of her hoof creeping up my leg was making my skin crawl.
"If she gets to my thigh, I'm going to touch my ear," I thought, feeling my itching start to come back again. "But it won't get to that point because there's nothing bad happening here. I just think that because of the narrative I put in my head."
I looked at Herbal Essence, and she forced a smile my way. She looked uncomfortable, likely because of my discomfort, and seemed like she wanted to say something. "I need to calm down," I thought. "I'm giving these ponies the wrong impression. I'm a drug addict human being in the body of a pony who wasn't abused. I overreacted to seeing them because this pony body thought they'd be mad I ran away, and that's why I'm nervous now. My tension is just feeding into what they want to believe, and that's making me more nervous."
Even as I tried to tell myself that, I couldn't help but flinch and flex away when her hoof suddenly touched my thigh.
I saw a flash of… something. A memory, maybe. I couldn’t tell. But I didn’t like it. It sent a shudder through me. I felt like something familiar, something I should have known, something I almost knew, but couldn’t comprehend. Regardless, I hated it. No, I was absolutely terrified by it, and gave me the sudden urge to break down.
I quickly touched my ear in panic, and was breathing hard. "She didn't mean to do that," I thought, closing my eyes and trying to calm down. I took a few seconds, and once I reopened them, caught looks of surprise on everyone's faces. I paid particular attention to Blue Mist. She looked completely shocked by my reaction, and held her hoof in the air, halfway between her and I. Either she was a very good actor, or she was genuinely surprised. I wanted to believe the latter, but, so far, all the facts were pointing to the former. Still, though, this could all be a misunderstanding. I started scratching my cheek, and my pony body whispered a fearful apology, hating all of the tension it just brought in and all of the attention now focused on it. "I'm sorry," I whispered, tearing up.
"It's time for everypony to leave now," Doctor Spark said. "I need to talk to Leo alone."
I watched as the group left, Blue Mist looking over her shoulder before she left, the look of shock still with her. I suddenly felt bad about my reaction, and wanted to believe she was just a concerned parent, and that my anxiety was because of the narrative that was built.
"Leo," she whispered, wanting to help, "what happened?"
I was silent. Despite all the facts and everything I felt telling me the opposite, I didn't want to incriminate a pony of something they might not have done. I suddenly remembered how exhausted I was, and decided not to deal with all of this right now. "I'm sorry," I said, trying to apologize.
"You don't need to apologize for being scared. Did she try and touch you somewhere you don't like?"
"I'm just tired," I told her, turning away from her and closing my eyes. She reached down to try and stroke my mane, but I moved my head away from her hoof. “Don’t touch me,” I whispered, shivering slightly, trying to keep myself from crying at the memory Blue Mist gave me.
For the second time, I dreamt that I was back in the real world, staring at my human body. This time, however, I was watching my human body vanish, already knowing its destination. I saw a crowd of people cheer, as though a magic trick was performed, and then quickly disperse.
I saw the guy who did this to me stood up and turned towards me. "James! I mean, Leo!" he called to me, smiling. "I did not expect-"
"Change me back!" I yelled, interrupting him. "This is not what I wished for!"
He paused at that and frowned, seeming confused. "I believe you wished to be a pony in Equestria, did you not?"
"I didn't wish to be an abused five-year-old!"
"Did I not ask if your life being difficult was acceptable?" he asked. That confirmed my fears. I was an abused colt. It just made me that much angrier "And I believe,” he continued, “I told you that once your wish was granted you wouldn't be able to take it back."
"Why can't you?" I screamed at him. "You did this! You can take it back!"
"It is not as simple as you make it out to be. Besides, you have already done so much good for this child."
"How could I have possibly done anything? And if there's someone else here, then where are they? Why haven't I heard him?"
"Because he is in your human body.”
“You put a five-year-old in my body?” I asked, although I clearly knew what he meant.
“I put Leo in your five-year-old body,” he told me. I wasn’t surprised. The real Leo wasn’t with me, and I didn’t think this guy would just stick a five-year-old on the street. “To him, his previous life was no more than a bad dream, quickly fading away.” Before I could ask my next question, he continued, “With you, however, you remembered so much of your previous life because you lived so much of it.”
“Oh, okay,” I said bitterly. “He gets the best life ever and doesn’t have to remember this one, but I have to sit here and suffer through both.”
“You told me you would not care what became of that life, and said that you would rather wish to be where you are now than for a better one.”
“That's not an excuse!” I yelled, starting to get choked up. “That’s not an excuse to make me deal with all of this! I have my own problems to work through!”
“There are people around you to help you,” he tried to tell me. “They can help you with your problems.”
“And they couldn’t have helped this colt through its problems?” I asked.
“You saw how much you struggled to will yourself through that forest,” he told me. “Leo would have laid just by its edge, never going in, not being found until after he passed away.”
“Oh, well I guess that makes it okay to stick all of this on me. Cause it’s too much trouble to just make a new body for me.”
“It is not that simple.”
“Yeah, right.”
“If I could have done that, believe me when I say that I would have,” he said, sounding sorry. “And I truly thought you would not care. When we spoke, you gave off the persona of someone who would not be bothered by this. You seemed like you would be able to push through this without much trouble, and I expected that before you could make your mistakes again, you would find someone to help you care about yourself. I did not think you would have this reaction.”
“Well, you thought wrong . I do,” I said through tears, and laid down on the sidewalk. I was glad he was there now. I wanted him to see how much he hurt me. How much he was making me suffer. I hated him for the position he put me in, and hoped he felt bad about it. “I hate my life,” I sniffed.
I watched him as he walked over to me and leaned down. “Don’t touch me ,” I told him aggressively, and he stopped and stood back up sadly. He paused, as though he couldn’t find the words to say, then told me, “I truly do wish you the best, Leo.”
“If you did,” I said angrily, “you would take my wish back .”
“As I said, it is not as simple as you make it out to be. I can only grant wishes, and only one per person. If I could do more than that, I would have helped you both, as well as many others. That is why I asked if you if it was acceptable that this wish was permanent.”
“Liar,” I said bitterly, closing my eyes and turning away from him, scratching my cheek. "If that were true, you wouldn't be here now."
"That's not true. I can be here in your dreams because it's not reality. But even still, it can only be done rarely."
"Liar," I told him again, this time in a whisper.
He paused at that, and sounded hurt. Like he didn’t know good and well what was going to happen once he did this. I hoped he was hurt. I hoped he realized how much I was suffering, and was going to suffer, because of him. It wasn’t much, but at least he could feel bad about the situation he set me in.
“I apologize for this, Leo,” he told me genuinely. “I truly didn’t expect this reaction from you, and I am sorry for making you hate your wish. But I know you can push through this on your road to somewhere else, my friend,”.
"Don't call me your fucking friend ," I cried. "This is the most screwed up thing you could put on anybody, whether you think they would care or not."
He paused once again, saying sadly, "Goodbye, Leo. I'm truly sorry for this. I hope that someday we can meet again under different circumstances. However, I do truly have faith that you'll be able to preserve."
"Just watch over him, okay?" Ivory Spark told nurses Blaze and Rose Petal, the former of which coming in early and the latter offering to stay late that night. "When he wakes up, offer him something to eat and make sure he uses his magic to do that. Afterward, ask him if he needs to use the bathroom and if there was anything else he needed or wanted to do, like play a game or read a book. Don't let him scratch his cheek too much, and check on his bites. If he starts to try and hurt himself, get me or Doctor Night."
"Are you going to be back tonight at all?" Blaze asked her.
"Probably not," she sighed. "I've got a few interviews to do and some notes to write up. I'll see if I can get back early tomorrow morning."
With that, she went out, heading into the lobby to see the mare and stallion who claimed to be Leo's parents still sitting there. She was a bit tense seeing them. For her, this was always the worst part of the job. She'd dealt with quite a few angry parents in her short career thus far, most of them innocent, a few of them not. They always started off assuming she was just a normal doctor, but quickly realized why they were being questioned. They were almost always upset, a few humiliated that they could even be thought of doing something so awful to their colts or fillies. Of course, right now, it didn't help that Thundertail already revealed what she was thinking. It would just make it that much more difficult to get information from Lucky Day and Blue Mist, make it that much more likely for them to deny any accusations of mistreatment. But still, she knew she would have to interview them.
She decided to start with who she thought would be more likely to lie to her. "Blue Mist!" she called in a friendly tone. "Is it okay if I met with you privately for a little while?"
Lucky Day rolled his eyes as his wife got up. "Here we go," he mumbled.
The two mares walked into the hallway opposite of the one Leo's room was in, and Doctor Spark began to ask Blue Mist general questions about her son. Where they lived, how old he was, if he went to school, if he had any friends. All of her answers were predictable enough: They lived on the outskirts of Baltimare, her son went to school there, he didn't have many friends, and he would be six in a few months. She said she would describe her son as "a bit alone, but happy".
She knew it would be a waste of time, but Doctor Spark went through and asked the mother more specific questions, like if she thought Leo would ever have a reason to be afraid of anypony, if he ever acted unusually, if he ever had nightmares or got scared easily. All of her questions were met with the same response: no. It was typical, though. Most parents she interviewed gave the same answers. Finally, she got to the big questions. Why do you think Leo was afraid earlier? Do you think anypony in his life could be hurting him? Has he ever shown signs of self harm? To these, she got more of the same, a mix of between “no” and “I don’t know”.
Doctor Spark listened, took notes, watched Blue Mist’s reaction carefully, and came up with… nothing. Through it all, the mare she interviewed was calm, cool and collected, which was a small relief for her. It was much better than dealing with somepony who was upset. She seemed genuinely concerned for her son and asked questions at all the right times. It was the outcome Doctor Spark expected, and she silently thought that the mare was a very good actor. Still, even though the outcome was expected, she was still silently frustrated with Thundertail for what he said earlier. He might have screwed up this whole process with his words. She might not have been able to learn anything either way, but she would never know that. She might have been able to get something out of Blue Mist had he not interfered. And now she was fairly confident that Lucky Day wouldn’t be helping her out much after what Thundertail did. It would just be another half hour wasted.
Still, she had a job to do, and wanted to do it thoroughly. If a wasted half hour meant she might have the chance to get more information about Leo, she would accept it. She called out to the orange stallion to come to her, sending Blue Mist on her way. He quickly and grumpily took a seat in one of the chairs in the hallway and turned to face her.
“You might already know what this is about,” Ivory Spark said politely, telling him what she told his wife, “and you might feel like I’m trying to accuse you of something, but I need you to answer my questions honestly. This isn’t an interrogation or anything like that.”
“Just get on with it,” Lucky Day grumbled, annoyed.
“Okay,” she started. “We'll start with simple questions. How old is Leo, and where does he live?”
“Six in August, and with us near Baltimare,” he said grumpily.
“Does he have any siblings?”
“No.”
“What about friends or acquaintances?”
He sighed. “None that I can think of. He spends most of his time at home with his mother.”
“Where does he go to school?”
“He’s homeschooled,” he told her.
“That’s interesting,” she commented, quickly writing what he said down.
Lucky Day looked at her suspiciously. “Why is that interesting?” he asked.
“Oh, no reason,” Doctor Spark told him. “I was homeschooled myself is all,” she lied. “What do you do?”
“Construction,” he said as a matter of fact.
“Is that a typical nine-to-five sort of job?”
“It’s an “all hours of the day” job. Whatever they schedule me, I work.”
“So Leo stays at home with his mother most of the day?”
He shrugged. “I guess so.”
“Do you ever spend alone time with Leo?”
“Not really,” he said, “and even if I did, I wouldn’t do what I know you’re thinking I do to him.”
“I’m not thinking anything, sir,” she said honestly. “But I do want to move on to more focused questions. Um…” Doctor Spark looked at her notes, then asked, “What would you say Leo’s personality is?”
“Normal,” Lucky Day answered, then added, “Maybe anxious?”
“Would he have any reason to be anxious?”
“None that I can think of. As far as I can tell, it’s just the way he is.”
"Would you say he gets scared easily?"
"I guess," he said. "Well, not scared. It's more like…"
"Startled?"
"Yeah."
"By anything in particular?".
He paused for a second, seeing what road she was going down. "No," he answered, watching Doctor Spark right something down. "And this narrative you're trying to build around us isn't going to work," he continued.
She looked up at him, and said honestly, "I promise, I'm not trying to build any narrative around anypony. I can understand how you'd feel that way, but I'm just writing down the responses you give me. Uh…" She looked quickly to her notes again, then asked, "Does Leo ever have nightmares?"
He sighed. "Yes. A lot, actually."
"Can you say how often?"
He sighed again. "A couple of times a week at least," he admitted. "They're really bad."
"That's terrible. Do you know what they're about?"
"I can't say. He doesn't tell me, and I haven't really thought to ask."
"How do you get him to calm down?"
"His mother calms him down," Lucky Day told her honestly, albeit with a slight tone, wanting to avoid any implications she might have about him. "She usually hears him first anyway."
Doctor Spark was hating this. She appreciated his honesty, but hated everything he was saying. This was really bad. She probably had enough information to be finished talking to him, but continued on anyway.
"Does he ever act unusually in certain situations?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well, does he get nervous when you leave for work, or when certain ponies are over, or anything like that?"
"I guess he gets nervous when I leave. But construction's a dangerous job, and I've explained that to him."
"Do you think there could be any other reason?"
"I don't know. Maybe he doesn't-" Lucky Day paused, his mouth still open, finally realizing just exactly how all of his words were being taken, and what conclusion Doctor Spark was coming to.
"Maybe he doesn't what?" she asked politely.
"No," he started, getting defensive. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That's not what's going on. Blue Mist wouldn't do that." But even as he said it, he was realizing how perfectly all the pieces were fitting.
"Do you think Leo would ever have a reason to be afraid of anypony?"
"No, and least of all his mother. That's her son . She wouldn't ever do anything to hurt him."
"And I'm not saying she would. I'm just trying to get a complete story."
"Well, part of your story should be that she doesn't hurt Leo ."
Doctor Spark sighed. She didn't like where this was going, but continued on. "So while you're working, what do Leo and Blue Mist do all day?"
"I… I don't know," he admitted to her, his tone changed to one of worry.
"How often does he leave the house?"
“He- not often. He, um, he mostly stays home with his mother.”
“Was it her idea for him to be homeschooled?”
Lucky Day winced. “Um, yes.”
“Does she ever help him out with using magic?”
“She tries, but she says that he has a poor magic field.”
“That is the case,” Doctor Spark explained, “but it’s looking like that’s a result of lack of use.” She waited a few seconds, letting him process what she told him, then asked, “Do you think your wife would intentionally keep him from using magic?”
“What? No! She’s practically fed up with how much she has to do for him.”
“What kinds of things does your wife help Leo with?”
“She- she helps him with things he can't do himself, like eating and using the toilet." He stopped for a second, watching her write what he said down, then started again. “I know how this all might look, but it’s not the way it seems. It’s not what’s going on. She wouldn’t abuse Leo!”
"Why do you think he ran away?"
"I... I don't know..."
She didn’t want to go on, but continued on to one more question anyway. “Why do you think Leo reacted so strongly when you two came into the room?”
“Oh, no,” Lucky Day whispered, and covered his eyes with his hoof. “Please tell me this isn’t happening. This can't be happening!”
"Have you ever, um," Doctor Spark started, then stopped. And now came the worst part of the interview. "Have you ever seen Blue Mist touch him in a sexual way?" she asked quietly. "Or anywhere on his genitals? Even if it seemed like an accident?"
"She bathes him every single day!" he told her, clearly upset. "Oh, Celestia, oh, damn it all! How could I let this all slip past me? I could have stopped this! I'm such an idiot!"
"You're not an idiot," she said softly. "It's not always easy to see the signs. I've seen a lot of cases like this." She paused a second, before giving him the news, "But, um, you should be prepared for Leo to live with somepony else."
"Leo," a stallion said to me, "it's time to wake up."
I opened my eyes at the new voice and turned over towards it. Before me were two doctors, a stallion and a mare. The stallion had a bright yellow coat and brown mane, and the mare looked like the mirror image of Sugar Belle, but with a more red coat and blue mane. I'd say they were both around the age my human body was, maybe a tad older, and seemed like they weren't doctors for very long. Both of them looked at me with faces that tried to appear upbeat, but we're clearly uncomfortable, if not concerned.
"Who are you?" I whispered, the anger I had in my dream fading away, being replaced by sadness and frustration at my circumstances.
"I'm Nurse Blaze," the stallion introduced, "and this is Nurse Petal. We'll be watching over you tonight."
"Why?" I asked. "Where's Doctor Spark."
"Well, she had to go and get some things taken care of, but she’ll be back tomorrow morning. For now, how about we get you some dinner?”
“I’m not hungry,” I told them honestly.
“Oh,” Nurse Petal started, “I understand, but we wouldn’t want you to be hungry later,” she said. “What do you want to eat?”
I stayed silent and scratched my face. I didn't want anything to eat. I was feeling too bad about myself and my situation. Whenever it seemed like my circumstances couldn’t get worse, the bottom just fell out even further. It just didn’t end. I didn’t want to deal with all of this . Every minute that passed, I could feel its problems becoming my problems, its pain becoming my pain. Four days ago, it felt like it and I were entirely separate, but now it was feeling like I was never anybody else.
No, that wasn’t quite true. It felt like I had to deal with two sets of problems. This itching was a constant reminder of my other problem. I felt it wax and wane over the last two days, but it didn’t stop. I tried to tell myself it was just anxiousness, but I knew that wasn’t true. It was just easier to ignore when I wasn’t anxious. The feeling served as a constant reminder that my past was real, and made me jealous of the other Leo. He didn’t have to deal with this itching. He probably wasn’t just dropped in the middle of nowhere. He didn’t have to suffer through my problems. In fact, the way that genie said it, he got to just completely forget about his, too. He was on the road to a better life, and I was an abused, drug-addicted five-year-old. My chances of changing into something better than what I was before weren’t great.
I knew it was an awful thing to think, to be jealous of him. It might have only felt like I was abused, but he actually had to suffer through it. And the problems I had in my old body I largely brought on myself. But still, I couldn’t help it. I felt like I had completely lost out twice, and this time it wasn’t even my fault.
“Oh, I’m sorry Leo,” Nurse Petal said, reacting to my silence and seeing my sadness, and reached out to brush my mane with her hoof. “I know we’re not her, but we’ll be just as nice as Doctor Spark is.” Then, as if realizing she was doing something wrong, she quickly pulled her hoof back. "I'm sorry. Is it- is touching your mane making you uncomfortable?"
"It's fine," I said softly. I didn't even react to her touching me, and wasn't sure why she was concerned. I was sure that the notes I saw Doctor Spark writing said I didn't care. "Though I'd rather only Doctor Spark and Herbal Essence touch me," I thought.
"How about we do something fun?" Nurse Blaze broke in. "What's your favorite game to play?"
"I don't know," I told him, scratching my cheek. "I don't really play any games."
"What if we read a book?" he offered. "Or sang a song?".
I sighed. I didn't like to read, and the song I was thinking of at that moment would have gotten me in trouble, regardless of my history. I wanted to just sit there and feel sorry for myself. Or better yet, go back to sleep.
"Do you… do you want to talk about how you're feeling?"
"Not with you," I thought. "I've known you for all of ten seconds."
They stayed quiet, seeing if I would start talking, and I realized they weren't going to leave me alone. "Can you help me with my magic?" I asked, seeing that they weren't going to just let me sit and do nothing.
"Of course we can!" Nurse Blaze said, sounding excited by the prospect of doing something with me. "Doctor Spark did say we should work on that with you."
"Let me go get the box," his partner said.
For the third time in the past two days, the box of colorful chips was dumped in front of me. "Why do we use these chips?" I found myself asking as I started to grab at one of them.
"Well," Nurse Petal told me, "from what I hear, they each have their own magic field so that they're much easier to pick up."
With that, the chip I was trying to pick up quickly fell out of my grasp, maybe an inch above the bed. "So basically I'm the worst ever."
"You're not the worst ever," she started, reaching a hoof for my shoulder, then stopping herself before she touched me. "It's just, with you…"
"You just haven't had any good practice," Nurse Blaze finished for her.
I decided not to fight back and simply accepted their answers, putting my concentration back on the chips. A while passed, and I concentrated on getting the chips higher than a few inches in the air. However, I wasn't making nearly as much progress now as I had the past two days, and it gave me a horrific thought.
“What if I’m disabled?” I suddenly asked worriedly, scratching my face.
Nurse Blaze laughed at that in a genuine way. “You’re not disabled, Leo. If you were, you wouldn’t be able to pick them up at all.”
That was a relief. I was already an abused, drug-addicted five-year-old. Being disabled would have just been too much for me to suffer through. At least, not without going crazy, or worse.
“It’s just harder for you right now because most ponies, and especially unicorns, start using their magic before their first birthday. You just don’t know quite how to do it yet.”
“Oh. Okay,” I said with annoyance. “You could have just stopped where you were before instead of telling me that I’m worse than a one-year-old ,” I thought.
“How about we stop for now and check on your bites?” he asked, quickly trying to change the subject after realizing how I took what he told me. “I’m going to have to touch your leg. Is that okay?”
“I guess,” I told him, annoyance still in my voice.
I watched as he started to unwrap the wounds that Doctor Night originally worked on as Nurse Petal stood next to the bed. It felt like a lot longer than yesterday he put that burning alcohol on and roughly scrubbed at my skin, and half a lifetime since I actually gave myself the wounds.
Nurse Blaze had a poorly hidden grimace on his face, clearly not liking what he saw. “Oh, wow,” he said quietly.
“Is it bad?” I asked, getting worried again.
“No, it’s just… they’re deep .” He looked up, and I must have had a reaction to what he said. “But they’re not infected or anything,” he quickly added, “and should be completely healed up in a few months' time.”
“I’m sorry,” I tried to say, my embarrassment turning into shame, hating what I’d done to myself.
“You don’t need to be sorry, Leo,” Nurse Petal told me sympathetically, putting a hoof on my shoulder, then quickly taking it back off. “Is it okay if I touched your shoulder?”
I was getting frustrated with how little these two knew how to handle me. I knew they barely knew me besides whatever Doctor Spark wrote down, and were trying their best. They probably heard about how I reacted to my mother, too, but I wasn’t uncomfortable with anypony else touching me, and didn’t think I ever gave off that indication. The pair’s overcautiousness was making me upset.
“I wish Doctor Spark was here,” I said, scratching my cheek.
"I'm sorry," she told me.
That, too. All of the apologizing everyone did to me was getting on my nerves. I scratched myself again.
“And I know it’s hard,” she continued, “but we really need you not to scratch. You’re going to get sores doing that.”
My impulse was to argue. I wanted to tell them to put their hooves on me and stop me, but I decided not to. I knew they were just trying to help, but didn't seem to know how to deal with me. I told myself that I wanted to get better, and the only way to do that was to listen to what they had to say. Besides, their orders for me to stop scratching likely came directly from Doctor Spark.
“Okay,” I said annoyed, all of a sudden feeling extremely itchy, tears starting to form.
They seemed a bit surprised by my willingness to accept what they asked of me, and looked at me sadly. “I’m sorry, Leo,” Nurse Petal told me. “Did you want-”
“No,” I whispered, knowing exactly what she was about to ask.
She paused, then asked, “What about some ice cream? I bet that’ll make you feel better.”
Ice cream wasn't going to make me feel better. I wanted to see Doctor Spark or Herbal Essence. More than that, I wanted this itching to go away and the things that happened to this pony body to not affect me. But I knew that none of those things were going to happen, and with the way these two were looking at me, I knew they weren't going to let up until they found something they thought would make me feel better.
"I guess," I told them, humoring them.
Patient: Leo (M)
Characteristics: Green eyes, medium blue coat, blue/black mane, five years old
Report: Began visit with a sleeping Leo, who, when woken, was once again wary of my presence. During a brief breakfast, he claimed he
"Doctor Spark?" Blaze asked worriedly, interrupting her writing. "I think we have a problem."
She looked up from her clipboard, staying silent, waiting for him to explain himself.
"Uh, Leo's freaking out, and, um, we think he's about to hurt himself."
"Why?" she asked confused, standing up quickly. "Actually, tell me later," she told him, and hurried off to his room.
What she found when she got there was a young colt sitting on the bed, tears in his eyes, screaming angrily at Rose Petal, who was backed up against the wall, looking as though she was trying to explain herself. It wasn't ideal, but a slight relief. The previous two times Ivory Spark saw him bite himself, he was silent before he did it. Yelling might not have been the best outlet to let out his frustrations, but it was certainly much better than the former.
“Leo?” Ivory Spark called out. He turned to her at her voice, and immediately looked a bit less angry.
“She’s trying to hurt me!” he choked out.
“What?” she asked the colt, confused, as she made her way to his bed. "Why would Nurse Petal be trying to hurt you?"
“She put medicine in the ice cream, and I know cause she mixed it up and ice cream doesn’t come like that, and she thinks I’m too stupid to figure out what she’s trying to do!”. He got the whole sentence out in one gasp, and was crying by the end of it, trying to catch his breath.
The mare put her hoof in the colt's mane, trying to get him to calm down. "Nurse Blaze, Nurse Petal," she asked, "could you give Leo and I a few minutes alone?"
She didn’t turn towards them, but the way she spoke made it clear that she was upset with them. The two heard her tone and quickly made their way out of the room, silently taking seats in front of the door.
True to her word, it was just a few minutes that Blaze and Rose Petal sat there before Ivory Spark came out. She didn’t look angry, but she did look suspicious as to what they did. However, before she could ask, Rose Petal started to talk.
“I’m sorry!” she said quickly, becoming tearful. “I- I didn’t think he’d notice! He was just so-”
“Stop. Did Doctor Night tell you to do this?”
“N-no” Rose Petal sniffed.
“Then why didn’t you ask before trying to sneak medicine to him?”
“He just looked so sad and upset and frustrated! And when I read your report, I was afraid to touch him! So I thought-”
“If you read my report,” Doctor Spark interrupted, trying to keep her composure, “then you should have seen where I said he was likely previously drugged.”
“I know, but you told us earlier that he said he took it himself!”
“He’s a foal. He’s going to lie. He might be afraid that if he tells the truth, he’s going to get hurt again. We’re trying to get him to stop resisting us and trust us, and what you did likely just set him several steps back. For all we know, his mother could have done the exact same thing to drug him.”
"I'm sorry," Rose Petal said, trying to stop crying.
The mare stepped back and asking, “Did you know about this, Blaze?”
He looked down uncomfortably, quietly responding, “I thought it was a good idea.”
Ivory Spark was frustrated. She felt like she’d made a lot of progress with Leo earlier, and this, combined with that mother of his showing up, probably just pushed all of his progress back, making her job that much harder. Add in the fact that Thundertail’s actions earlier were making her question whether Leo should actually go with him and Herbal Essence, and she was understandably upset.
Although, Rose Petal was clearly more upset than herself, and Blaze looked quite undue about what just happened. Doctor Spark sighed. She couldn’t really be mad at them. They had good intentions, and with most other colts or fillies, it would have been a good tactic to use to get them to take medicine. She wouldn’t have been surprised if they were trained to do that. However, Leo was quite clearly one of the few exceptions to that tactic.
“Look, both of you,” she started seriously, “I understand how you feel about him, and I feel the same way. I hate to see him hurting just as much as you do. But just listen to what I say , okay? Just follow my instructions, and if I didn't explicity say to do something, ask me or Doctor Night.” She sighed again, adding, “Now let me see if he’ll let you be in the same room as him so I can start my notes.”
"I'm sorry," Rose Petal tried to tell her.
More Notes From Doctor Spark
Patient: Leo (M)
Characteristics: Green eyes, medium blue coat, blue/black mane, five years old, parents Lucky Day and Blue Mist
Report: Began visit with a sleeping Leo, who, when woken, was once again wary of my presence. During a brief breakfast, he claimed he hadn’t gone to school in “a while” and got upset when asked if he ever had fun, and wanted to know when he could see Herbal Essence and Thundertail.
Shortly thereafter, he had an extreme reaction to seeing his parents, in particular, his mother. He began to hyperventilate and bit himself, likely in an attempt to ground himself. He claimed that he “couldn’t help it” and that it was “just going to keep getting worse”.
Several minutes later, he asked for medicine for his itching, and immediately afterward, subsequently claimed that it was going to hurt him, revealing that he used medicine he didn’t need and claiming that he took it himself on purpose. He was then interrupted by yelling from Lucky Day and Thundertail outside of his room, which he apologized for, and claimed was “because of him”, saying that all he does is “mess things up”.
Leo then claimed that he “doesn’t care about himself” and revealed that as the reason why he uses medicine he doesn’t need. He denied suicidal thoughts and claimed he doesn’t think about hurting himself, stating that he “just doesn’t care and he doesn’t know why”. When asked about the ponies in his life, he claimed that he cared for “just his dad sometimes”, and refused to answer a follow-up question about his mother.
Albeit brief, he did appear happy and excited to talk about seeing other places and famous ponies, though quickly became upset again when presented with the idea of finding other ponies to be friends with, giving the impression that he didn’t believe he could. After this, Leo worked on his magic, ate lunch, and used the restroom. He seemed much less reluctant to receive help at this point, although this might have had to do with his tiredness from using his magic.
After this, when asked if his parents could visit him, despite his previous reaction, he agreed to see them, despite appearing to want to say no. After several minutes, Leo became distressed again, in particular by Blue Mist, and gasped and flexed away from her at the end of the visit. He then tried to apologize for his reaction, and claimed he was “just tired”. Herbal Essence, who was in the room at the time, claimed that she saw Blue Mist rubbing her hoof against his leg, and saw her reach to touch his inner thigh just before he flinched away from her. She said that it looked like he was afraid of her, and that he looked upset by her touching him.
Leo then went to sleep directly after this, and appeared distressed while he slept. He was then awoken a few hours later by nurses Blaze and Rose Petal. They claimed they offered him dinner, as well as multiple activities to do, before he settled for practicing his magic. After this, they checked on his wounds, noting that he was “very itchy” and believed him to be frustrated by it. They offered him ice cream, which they laced with promethazine in an attempt to help his itching. However, this was quickly noticed by Leo, and he became enraged by this, I, myself, calming him down. He claimed that Rose Petal was trying to hurt him, and later stated privately that he used to take medicine the same way, claiming he took it “on his own”. He agreed to let the pair back into the room, and they claim he quickly fell asleep after an attempt to apologize to him.
In an interview with Blue Mist, she stated that she couldn’t ever remember Leo being upset, always seeming happy, if a bit alone. She denied him having nightmares or ever acting unusually, and said she couldn’t think of a reason he would be afraid of anypony. She claimed she didn’t think her son would hurt himself, and said she didn’t know why Leo reacted the way he did upon seeing her. She said she didn’t know anypony who might try and hurt him, although she briefly brought up the idea of her husband abusing him. In general, she appeared concerned for Leo, gave typical answers, and cooperated fully with my interview.
Lucky Day also cooperated fully in an interview with him immediately after, and, despite his apparent frustration to begin with, his answers seemed to paint a much clearer picture of his son’s situation at home than Blue Mist’s. He claimed Leo spent most of his time at home with his mother while he worked, and that he was homeschooled, despite claims of the opposite from his mother. He claimed his son is generally anxious and gets startled easily, and has frequent nightmares, which his mother usually calms him down from, as she “usually hears him first”. He also claimed that Leo acts nervous when he leaves for work.
He admitted that he didn’t know what Leo and his mother did all day while he was working, and claimed he didn’t leave the house that often. He also claimed that he received help from his mother with eating and using the toilet, and when asked about sexual abuse, claimed that his mother “bathes him every day”. When asked if Leo took medicine, he claimed there wasn't any medicine that he knew of in his home other than over the counter medications, and that Leo never acted like he was on any medication. However, he admitted he might not know since he was gone much of the day and didn’t see him often.
Diagnosis: Leo has admitted to being drugged, and based on available evidence and statements, has been sexually abused. However, despite this, outside of Blue Mist, he shows no general discontent and gives no complaints to being touched. He can generally be described as apathetic, if a bit depressed, but can quickly become angry and hostile at the idea of receiving medication. He seems generally observant, and once again presents himself as older than he actually is, perhaps twice his age. He continues to appear conflicted, and seems to be struggling against himself. As well, he continues to suffer from anxiety-related itching, and still presents self-confidence issues. He seems to believe that things are his fault, and continues to assert that things will "just keep getting worse". He continues to self-harm in an attempt to ground himself, and asserts that he doesn't care about himself. Despite these things, he has shown noticeable improvement with asking for help despite his initial resistance. However, this improvement might have been short-lived due to today's events, particularly his experience with nurses Blaze and Rose Petal.
Treatment: Leo will be staying in North Star Hospital at least another day. After that, he’ll either be transferred to East Baltimare Regional to officially be under my care, or to be immediately placed in a foster home, the latter being more likely. Regardless, he needs interaction with foals his age, and reassurance to boost his confidence.
Other notes: There are other couples willing to foster Leo, however, Herbal Essence and Thundetail still seem like the best candidates, due to his quick attachment to them. However, it needs to be explained to them, in particular Thundertail, how they can and cannot interact with and around Leo, and how their actions might be portrayed by him.
In regards to Leo’s parents, in particular Blue Mist, his case has been referred to police, who will begin a formal investigation shortly.
-Dr. Ivory Spark
Ivory Spark was tired, both mentally and physically. Dealing with these kinds of things was always stressful, and she always hoped for the best, but tried to prepare for the worst. This particular case, however, was truly awful, and was taking nearly all of her energy. She didn’t get too many cases however, despite Baltimare’s size, third only to Fillydelphia and Manehattan, and most of her previous cases had been verbal abuse or neglect. Those kinds of cases, depending on the circumstances, could be settled through family counseling. A few times, she had to give the recommendation to take foals away, but tried to be understanding of each family’s circumstances. On very rare occasions she referred cases to police, but usually only when she thought parents were being actively malicious. However, although her career had been short thus far and she couldn’t have had more than a few dozen cases, even as awful as those things were, Leo had been the most distraught foal she’d come across. She came in that morning believing the most realistic outcome was that Leo was neglected and that perhaps he was given medicine to sleep through the weekend when his parents didn’t want to deal with him. She would have still almost certainly recommended he be taken away, but still, it wouldn’t be nearly as bad as… well, she’d rather not think of that. As bad as everything looked, Leo still hadn’t confirmed that he’d been abused. It still gave her a tiny hope, however unrealistic she knew it was, that this was all a gigantic misunderstanding. Maybe there was some other explanation for his reaction to his parents. Maybe Blue Mist thought she’d get in trouble if she told the truth. Maybe Leo was lying about being able to use magic and he really did take medicine himself. Even though the police were likely going to agree with her and see what she saw, she would still rather have an innocent pony go to jail than have Leo confirm he’d been hurt as bad as she suspected.
Ivory Spark yawned as she finished her notes. It was just after eleven o’clock at night, and it had been a very long day, coming in nearly sixteen hours earlier. She always felt the second day was the most difficult, and was ready to get back to Baltimare to retire for the night. However, before she could leave the building, Nurse Blaze once again interrupted her.
“What is it?” she asked him, trying not to be annoyed with him for what happened earlier that evening.
“Leo’s crying in his sleep. We think he’s having a nightmare.” He went silent for a second, then added, "It- it sounds like it's about his parents."
She sighed. Normally, a nurse would be able to handle this, but after the Rose Petal’s screwup shortly before he went to sleep, the pair wasn’t going to be an option to calm him down. She was barely able to convince him to let them be in the same room as him after that. She sighed again, realizing she would have to find a motel in North Star for the night.
“I’ll be right there,” she told him, tired.
The last three dreams I had in this body were just bad dreams, but this dream could be described as a nightmare.
I was laying in the bed of a dark room I didn’t recognize. I didn't look around, but it felt small, like a colt's room, like my room. I was laying on my side, staring at the wall, when I suddenly heard the door open. It immediately made me tense up as I heard what I knew to be Blue Mist approaching me.
"Don't come near me," I told her quietly, starting to breathe deeply as I heard her come up to the bed. I hated those hoofsteps she made as she approached. It sounded so familiar, like it was a memory, and I didn't want to remember whatever this colt body and I experienced.
The hoofsteps stopped, and a voice that wasn't Blue Mist's said, "Don't come near you? I thought we were friends."
"Mandy?" I said confused, quickly turning to look at her. Sure enough, Mandy was standing there in the flesh, sores still on her face. It turned out those hoofsteps were actually footsteps. "What are you doing here?" I asked her.
"Well," she started, "I heard you were getting clean, and I had to see for myself… uh, why are you in Equestria exactly? And why are you a colt?"
"That's a story I don't want to get into," I told her. "Why are you here?"
"Well, you remember how you told me I shouldn't turn over while I was in rehab? Well, now I'm telling you the same thing."
"Um, what?"
"You know, don't become one of them. Don't turn over." I looked at her with a confused expression once again, silently this time, and she finally said, "I'm telling you not to get clean, dope! Being sober's no fun, trust me. So when I saw that you were sober, I just thought about how horrible you must feel, and I figured why not get you a present? To make you feel better? You know, some horse since you're a horse?"
My eyes went wide as she held up the syringe. "I don't want that," I said quickly.
"Come on, it's been four days," she told me, still smiling. "You have to be suffering. Besides, don't you remember that song you used to sing? Still… hold... back and wonder why. Why... do you... deny what's on your mind?"
"I. Don't. Want. That," I told her again, more aggressively this time, scratching my face.
"Come on. I made up a pun for you, and you know how much I hate puns."
"The thing about me being a horse wasn't even a pun, and I'm still saying no. Just go back to rehab where you belong."
"I see," she told me, sounding sad, taking a step towards me. "You're clearly not Leo, so I'll just have to bring him here."
"Get away from me!" I said loudly as she made her way to me, feeling the panic rise in me.
"Why?" she asked, now at the edge of my bed. "You know you want this. Besides, you're an abused colt, and this is gonna make you feel better."
"I don't want that, and it won't make me feel better!"
"Look, I'll show you," she said as she grabbed my front leg.
"Don't touch me!" I yelled as I quickly yanked it out of her grasp, scooting back in the bed.
She didn’t listen, deciding instead to climb onto the bed, wrapping her arms around me and trying to force me to hold still. “I’m doing this for your own good,” she said. “I want the fun Leo back. Besides, you were the one who told me not to get clean. Now I’m telling you.”
“Get off of me!” I got out, breaking free of her grasp for a second before she grabbed me again.
“Friends stick up for each other,” she said, putting the needle in her teeth for a second to readjust her grip on me. “I’m not gonna let you suffer being sober like I did.”
“Don’t do this!” I screamed, closing my eyes as I struggled against her. “I don’t want this!”
"Why do you have to be difficult about this, Leo?" she said, pushing the needle into my front leg where she thought a vein might be.
“I don’t want this,” Ivory Spark heard the colt say in his sleep, watching as he started to cry a few seconds after that. It made her feel sick to her stomach, and she didn't want to imagine what he was dreaming of. She couldn’t begin to understand how somepony could ever be so awful, especially to someone so young. Her own parents neglected her, which was why she chose to be a foal psychologist, but they weren’t actively malicious, and certainly didn’t do what she believed Blue Mist had done to Leo.
She made her way over to him, and he sat up quickly at the sound of her hoofsteps. He turned over to see who it was that was coming to him, and relaxed at Ivory Spark’s sight, which was noticed by her. However, before she reached him and before he could stop himself, Leo said, “She hurt me, and it’s my fault.”
She had a pained expression on her face at that, hating to hear his confirmation of abuse, and hating even more that he thought it was his fault. She got to his bedside, and put her hoof on his mane. “It’s not your fault you were hurt, Leo,” she whispered to him.
“Yes it is,” he sniffed, deciding not to care about how it sounded. The colt figured it was true enough, regardless what context she thought he was discussing. “It’s my fault,” he reiterated.
“It's not your fault you were hurt,” the mare said again, hating that he felt that way. She stopped for a moment, then asked, “Do you want to tell me how you were hurt?”
Leo shook his head, and the two went silent for several minutes as the colt sniffed while Ivory Spark stroked his mane. She knew she should probably try harder to get him to talk about what happened, or even to talk about his dream. She knew it was likely he dreamed about what happened to him, and knew that he would be even more reluctant tomorrow to discuss it. Still, she didn’t press him. She figured him saying Blue Mist had hurt him was enough for tonight, and was too tired right now to try and get more out of him. For now, she would comfort him, not bearing to think about how much the colt was suffering.
Leo was angry at her for hurting him, and hated himself for letting it happen. He knew it was irrational to be angry at Mandy. Sure, she let him spiral, but he let her do it, and he let her spiral, too. Besides, it wasn’t like she got him hooked. He hadn’t met her until a few months after he started. But still, even though he didn’t care about himself, he was angry she didn’t care about him either. She should have pushed for him to go with her to rehab, to get better, but she didn’t. She just let him hurt himself, and let him creep closer and closer to death.
“No,” the colt thought, “ She didn’t do anything. She was a drug user. She wasn't really able to make sound decisions for me or about me. I let it happen, because all I do is screw things up. She might have been hurting me, but it was my fault.”
“It’s not your fault she hurt you, Leo,” the mare told him as if reading his mind.
Doctor Spark woke me up again the morning after my nightmare, looking as tired as I felt. The previous two times she saw me, she appeared smiling and upbeat and ready to go. Today, however, she looked exhausted, likely because I kept her up half the night yesterday.
"I'm sorry I made you tired," I suddenly said, feeling bad about her lack of sleep.
"It's okay, Leo," she told me, putting a hoof in my mane. "That's what I'm here for." I stayed silent, and she asked, "Do you want to talk about last night?"
I shook my head at her. I didn't want to talk about last night. I didn't want to talk about yesterday at all . A lot was unloaded onto me all at once, and I didn't want to deal with all of it yet. So instead I asked, "What's for breakfast?" trying to change the subject.
"We’ll get to that in a little while,". She paused, then added, "How would you feel about living with Thundertail and Herbal Essence?" I shrugged my shoulders at that, and she moved on. "Do you want to talk about your dream?"
I stayed silent, thinking about the dream I had. The position I was in was just as much her fault as it was that genie’s. If she wouldn’t have given me those DVD’s, I wouldn’t have been an abused colt just then.
I knew that was ridiculous and I was being irrational, but I was angry at what she did in the dream. What I hated even more the feeling she gave me, a feeling of powerlessness. Powerless against her, powerless against myself, and powerless against everything around me. Even if I tried not to, I was going to end up screwing myself over, because everything was just going to keep getting worse. After the first few hours of the first day, I found myself hating my life more and more. Why would that trend break today?.
In the middle of these thoughts, I realized something. "How come Luna hasn't visited me?" I asked Doctor Spark.
"What?"
"I had four bad dreams in the last four days, and she hasn't visited me," I explained to her, suddenly feeling bitter. I didn't know why, but the thought that she hadn't visited my dreams made me upset.
"Well," she explained, "Luna's retired. She doesn't visit ponies dreams that often anymore."
That wasn’t a surprise, seeing as I watched the TV show. I knew she was retired. Besides, even if she wasn’t retired, there were millions of ponies in Equestria. The chances of her picking me out of any one of them were incredibly small.
“You can tell me about your dream,” Doctor Spark offered.
"I'm being less resistive, remember?" I told myself silently. Not that I had to. I could feel myself wanting to tell her.
"You can tell me, Leo," she tried to encourage, rubbing my shoulder. "Nopony will be mad at you."
"I was hurt in my dream, and I don't want to be hurt," I found myself telling her.
She tried to console me. "Nopony will hurt you again, Leo."
I sniffed. "I don't want to have been hurt," I clarified. "I don't want to deal with all of this." She looked visibly upset when I said that, with the tiniest bit of anger that I thought was directed at my colt body's mother. "But it's my fault," I added.
"Leo, it's not-"
"Yes it is," I interrupted, "and you won't convince me it's not."
She didn't know what to tell me, and there was nothing she could tell me. I might not have been the cause of my circumstances, but I put myself in a position for this to happen. It was my fault, and she wasn't going to change my mind.
She seemed to realize this, and tried to make me feel better in a different way. "I know it's hard now, but it's going to get better. I know you think everything will keep getting worse, but it'll get better, and you'll start to feel better."
"How do you know?"
"Well, for starters, for the most part you've been scratching your cheek a lot less than when I first met you, and you didn't even take any medicine." I reached up to scratch, and she stopped me. “You don’t need to scratch, Leo.”
"It's still there," I told her. "I'm just better at ignoring it now."
"That, or maybe you're feeling less itchy."
I humphed at that and lay back down, still looking at her. “I’m not getting better,” I said, feeling bitter.
“Why do you think you’re not?”
“Because ,” I started, trying to keep control over my emotions. “Because I hate the way I feel, and I hate that every second I feel worse, and all I can do is cry about it.” She opened her mouth, and I said, “Don’t tell me it’s okay to cry. That’s not going to make me feel better.”
I watched her as she thought about her next move. I knew I was making her job difficult, but I figured it was better than making her job impossible by saying nothing. Besides, I was tired from last night. At least I was being honest with her.
“I know you don’t want to hear it,” she finally said, “but it’s okay to cry. Everypony cries, even grown-ups. But crying isn't the only thing you can do. Talking to somepony you trust can help you feel better. You just can’t let yourself get so worked up that you end up hurting yourself.”
“Talking won’t make me feel better. It won’t change anything,” I told her. “Besides, I basically already told you everything about me.”
“Can you tell me why you think it’s your fault you were hurt?”
“Because it is.”
She sighed, seeming like she was getting frustrated with me and was too tired to deal with my resistance right then. She seemed like she was off from the way she usually was, and couldn't quite find the right words to tell me, likely because of me. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Let me go get you something to eat.”
"I'm sorry I'm annoying you," I told her.
Some of her frustration seemed to melt away at my comment. "You're not annoying me," she told me, sounding genuine. "I'll be right back, okay?"
I watched as she left, thinking about what she told me. Now that she said it, I did notice that I was scratching my face much less than before. I was still itchy, but it didn’t feel nearly as bad as before. I knew that should have made me happy or relieved, but it actually made me afraid. I didn’t want to turn into this colt, I wanted to turn into someone new . I actually found myself wishing a tiny bit that my itching would get a little worse. As awful as it was, at least it would confirm that I was still me, even if I was in this colt body. I knew that was a ridiculous thing to wish for. Less itching meant I was getting better. But still, I didn't want to simply change over from one bad life to another.
I closed my eyes, trying to stop myself from wishing Herbal Essence was there to comfort me. It wasn’t like I spent that much time with her, and I’d only known her for going on three days. But still, I wanted her to be there, and that thought made me more afraid.
By the time Ivory Spark came back, bringing Herbal Essence and Thundertail with her, Leo had already fallen back to sleep. She considered waking him back up so he could eat, but opted not to, instead taking the opportunity to speak with the couple.
“I want to talk to you about Leo,” she started off, setting the tray of food she carried aside. “I know we discussed fostering Leo in your home, and that’s still the plan, I just want to give you the details of what’s going on and what’s going to happen.”
She sighed, and continued, “The first is that Leo’s case had been referred to police, and they have-” All of a sudden, she stopped, looking at Thundertail and remembering something. “Scratch that. The first thing,” she restarted, “is that what’s being told to you is not to be discussed with other ponies.” She stared directly at Thundertail when saying this, looking at him for his response. “Do you understand?” she asked him.
“Um, yeah,” he said as he looked at the ground, embarrassed.
“Okay. Anyway, this case was referred to police, and although it’s been less than twelve hours since they got this case, they said they’ll likely be making an arrest today. So you shouldn’t be surprised if they interview you both.”
“So, has Leo…?” Herbal Essence got out, trailing off with the question she was going to ask.
“Yes,” Doctor Spark said quietly. “He, um, he told me last night.”
“Oh, no,” the mare said, covering her mouth with her hoof. She began to get teary-eyed, as though Leo were her own foal. “Oh, that's awful. Is it okay if I go over to touch him?” she sniffed.
“That’s fine,” the doctor told her, watching as Herbal Essence moved over to the colt and began to stroke his mane. “Although we need to discuss how I expect you to interact with him. You’re going to need to be able to adjust to his needs.”
“What kind of adjustments are we making?” Thundertail asked.
“For starters, I don’t want you yelling or raising your voice around him. He has a severe lack self confidence, and believes it was his fault he was hurt. Actually, yesterday, he said it was his fault you were yelling at Lucky Day.”
Thundertail blushed at that, and felt slightly ashamed. “I’m sorry,” he apologized.
“His confidence is extremely low, and you can’t do things that might be perceived as his fault by him. He’s going to need constant reassurance to raise his confidence, and gentleness when he makes mistakes.
“With that, you can’t push him too much to do something he doesn’t want to do. I told you before he has self-harming tendencies, which seem to stem from a want to ground himself when he gets angry or worked up. If he starts to hurt himself, call me or take him to the hospital in East Baltimare.”
“When is this all happening?” the stallion asked. "When is he moving in with us?"
“Likely within the next few days. It’s Wednesday, and I’d ideally like to have him in school by next Monday. But that’s only if I think he’s ready to leave. If he’s not, he’ll be transferred from here to EBR.”
“EBR?”
“East Baltimare Regional,” she told them. “But that would only be if something came up. If all goes well, we could have him move into your home by tomorrow.”
I could feel a hoof stroking my mane, and immediately recognized it as Herbal Essence’s. There was something about her touch that was soothing to me, that made me feel like all of my problems would vanish. Of course, I knew that wouldn’t happen, seeing as I was still me.
“I’m sorry, Leo,” she whispered as I opened my eyes, noting Thundertail behind her, “I didn’t mean to wake you up.”
I stared at her, and saw that her eyes were wet. She’d been crying recently, and I quickly realized it was because of me. I was fairly certain that Doctor Spark told her what I said about things being my fault. “I’m sorry I made you cry,” I whispered back to her.
“It’s not your fault, Leo,” she said, wiping away her tears and wrapping her arms around me, putting my head on her shoulder. “I’m upset because you were hurt, and that’s not your fault.”
“Yes it is.”
“That’s not your fault,” she asserted to me. “Okay?”
She could have been a therapist. She barely knew me, and yet she had a way of getting through to me that even Doctor Spark didn’t have. A way that even my own mother, my human mother, didn’t have. The way she spoke to me was so convincing that I felt myself almost believe her.
“Okay?” she asked me again, looking me in the eyes now.
“Okay,” I whispered back.
She put my head back on her shoulder, asking, “How would you feel about moving in with me and Thundertail? Would that be okay?”
I didn’t like where this was going. I wanted to say yes, and I hated the fact that I wanted to say yes, hating the fact that I liked her comfort. I did not want to be this abused colt . I’d rather deal with this itching than have this colt’s life. I’d rather not change at all than change and have this colt’s life. I wanted to tell her no, if only it meant that I was still me and that this colt’s abuse wouldn’t have happened to me. I felt awful for wanting to go back to the way I was to avoid having to deal with this, but I truly didn't want to deal with all of this.
“Yes,” I whispered back to her.
Ivory Spark considered herself lucky to work for Baltimare’s branch of Foal Protection Services, even if it was only on a case by case basis.
Although most of her time was spent in the hospital with regular colts and fillies, whenever she got a case every few weeks she thanked Celestia that the city of Baltimare gave her the freedom to do her job . In other cities she might have been largely useless. There, her entire job might be to do a half an hour interview with a foal, then recommend them to somepony else. In Baltimare, however, she saw each of her cases through to completion, whenever she felt that might be, and was given a large amount of authority over the decisions made in each case she handled, including deciding where a foal went if she determined that their present home wasn’t suitable. She heard in other cities somepony else would make that determination, sometimes taking weeks to do so, often without meeting either the parents or the colt or filly. She’d heard horror stories about foals who had to spend large amounts of time in foster care as a result because of this, and had her own fillyhood experiences in such things, and was glad that Baltimare made it easy to avoid that issue by giving her control in that decision.
Despite her hesitance with Thundertail, she felt confident that Leo living with Herbal Essence would be a perfect fit. She was a bit on the younger side, and didn’t have children, but she didn’t expect that to be an issue. She seemed kind and caring and generally concerned for the colt’s wellbeing, and was certain that she could keep Thundertail in line after a private conversation with her. Leo already seemed to enjoy her presence, and had possibly already made the mare his new mother figure. Ivory Spark was beginning to think that this might be the best possible situation for the colt to be in. All that was largely left now was a background check on the two.
She already requested their criminal and personal history from the City of Baltimare two days ago on the couple, and it was sent to where she normally worked in East Baltimare, and then from there sent to North Star for her to view that day. She started by reading Herbal Essence’s report first, and found exactly what she expected: nothing. Other than some fine that she paid for something to do with the herbal scents shop she owned, there was nothing of note on her report. She looked over Thundertail’s report and saw largely the same thing, except for one thing.
“PI/DC report listed on back of page,” she read aloud, not knowing what it meant. She quickly turned the page over and read through it, and learned exactly what it meant.
She closed her eyes and gave a frustrated sigh. “Celestia, why do you do this to me?” she whispered, tired and annoyed.
Author's Note
What does PI/DC mean? Guess we'll never know!
“Leo,” Doctor Spark said softly, after I had fallen back asleep for a second time, “it’s time to eat your breakfast.” I opened my eyes to see a tray that, except for a few apple slices, was filled entirely with hay set before me. “I know you don’t like it, but we need to make sure you’re getting what you need to stay healthy.”
“I’m not hungry,” I told her, shaking my head.
“Can you just eat half of it for me please?” she coaxed. “I’ll get you whatever you want for dinner if you do.” I might not have been a doctor, but I was pretty sure she wasn't supposed to say that, which was a testament to how tired she likely was. However, I shook my head, and she looked at me with concern. “You have to eat, Leo. You haven’t had anything since yesterday morning."
“I don’t want anything,” I told her, leaving out the fact that I used to go days without eating. Even in this colt body, I wasn’t that hungry now.
“Are you feeling okay?” she asked, putting a hoof on my forehead. “Do you feel sick?”
“No,” I said quietly.
She sighed, as though she expected that answer. “I know you don’t believe me yet, but it’s going to get better. You’re going to feel better, even if you don’t think so right now.”
“Where did Herbal Essence go?” I asked suddenly, looking around for her, finally realizing she was missing.
“She had to go take care of something,” she said simply. Then she took a breath and asked, “I know we talked about you staying with Herbal Essence and Thundertail, but how would you feel about living with somepony else?”
I shook my head at that. “They found me,” I told her in a childish way.
“I know that Leo, and I know you like them and they like you. I’m just worried it might not be the best fit for you.”
I shook my head again. “I want to live with them.”
“I know you said you wanted to visit Ponyville or Canterlot. What if we found somepony there for you to live with?”
I wanted to tell her yes. I would much rather have moved to Ponyville than live somewhere with ponies I don’t know. However, my colt body stopped me from answering her. It realized there was something off about her newfound insistence on not living with them.
“How come I can’t stay with them?” I asked.
“I’m just trying to see if there are other ponies who you’d be willing to stay with,” she tried to tell me. “Just in case,”
I already knew what she was getting at, and it made me upset. I didn’t know why though. I shouldn’t have cared. They were two ponies who I met literally two days ago. They should’ve meant absolutely nothing to me. And yet the thought that I might not see them again made me start to cry.
“Celestia, damn it!” Ivory Spark thought silently. “Damn it Thundertail! Why did you put me in this position?” .
She was angry at him and Herbal Essence for not telling her about his charge two days ago, or even yesterday, before she effectively confirmed to the colt in front of her that he’d be staying with them. They just made her job that much harder . And then Blaze and Rose Petal had to go and try and slip him medicine last night. They could have just taken two seconds to run their plan by her first. It was probably going to be impossible to convince him to stay with somepony else now. And before all that, Blue Mist had to go and abuse Leo, whose nightmares of her kept her up last night, which was making her stressed out today.
No, wait. She couldn’t be angry at the last one. Her lack of sleep was nothing compared to what the crying colt went through, and she felt ashamed of herself for even being angry that Blue Mist was the cause of her stress now.
“I don’t want to be this colt!” Leo yelled. “I don’t want to be here!”
A few times now he’d told her that he didn’t want to be a colt, and she’d been meaning to ask what exactly he meant by that. She figured now was a good enough segway.
“Do you think you shouldn’t be a colt?” she asked him quietly.
Leo sniffed. “Not this one,” he told her bitterly.
Ivory spark took a breath to keep her composure at his resistance and tried to ask the question in a different way. “Do you ever feel different from other ponies your age?”
“I wouldn’t know. I haven’t seen other ponies my age in person,” Leo told her, thinking to himself, “Because of that genie.”
She didn’t go further, quickly getting annoyed with him and feeling guilty because of it. He still presented himself as somepony older, maybe ten or twelve, or even a bit older than that. He seemed like somepony who should have known she was trying to help him, somepony who knew exactly what she was asking him, yet sought to resist her anyway. But Ivory Spark pushed those thoughts out of her head. Even if he seemed older, he was still a colt who was badly hurt, and needed to be handled as such. And right now, tired and stressed, she felt like she wasn’t handling him very well. For his sake she couldn’t let herself handle him poorly. Still, however, the situation in front of her was not ideal.
In theory, she could still let him live with the couple he was fond of and just visit with him more often than she was initially planning. She knew that Leo needed therapy, and it could also serve to make sure Thundertail was staying out of trouble. The only problem was Herbal Essence. Ivory Spark felt fairly certain that Leo would lie about Thundertail’s behavior to stay with her, seeing as he already had an extreme attachment to her. So much so that, even at her suggestion to find somepony in Ponyville to stay with, he stayed reluctant in the idea of living with anypony else.
It was not good. She knew she couldn’t let him stay with them. Not in good conscience at least. But for Leo’s well being, they were the best ponies for him. Still, for as many pros as there were, as helpful as staying with them might be for him, as much as it might make him feel better, the potential cons outweighed them.
Somehow, despite my struggle to choke down the hay, Doctor Spark convinced me to eat a third of the meal in front of me. After that, we started work on my magic again, which I could tell I was slowly getting better at. She didn't ask me anything for a while, watching silently as I worked once again on the chips in front of me.
As I worked, I slowly got the impression that she was conflicted, probably about whether or not I'd be staying with the couple who found me, but I didn't know why. The only thing I could think was that she learned something in the past few hours about them that had changed her mind.
I knew it shouldn't have mattered. I was here to change myself and visit the princesses. I wasn't here to stay with two ponies I didn't know. Still, the thought once again started to get me worked up.
"Leo," Doctor Spark told me cautiously, seeing my face and reading my mind, "please don't bite yourself."
"Why can't I stay with them?" I finally demanded, dropping the chip in my grasp.
"I'm not saying you have to stay with your mom and dad, Leo."
“I want to stay with them ,” I asserted.
“I thought you said you wanted to stay in Ponyville or Canterlot.”
"I said I wanted to visit those places. I want to stay with Herbal Essence!"
She took a breath at that, and had a look on her face as though her next sentence would be physically painful. “I understand Leo,” she told me, “but that something that might not happen.”
“Then why did you ask if I wanted to live with them?" I asked angrily, starting to shake. "Why do I even care?”
My teeth were chattering as I tried both to keep from crying and biting myself. My mind was conflicted. I did want to care about myself, and knew I had to find something to care about to keep myself out of trouble, but yet I didn’t want to care about the couple who found me, in particular Herbal Essence. And yet my colt body wanted to stay with them, and hated the idea of leaving them. The more time I spent in this colt’s body, the more conflicted I felt.
“Leo,” Doctor Spark tried to tell me sympathetically, putting a hoof on my shoulder, “I know it’s hard…” I turned to look at her, looking her in the eyes. She tried to continue, but paused, looking down, seeming like she didn’t know what she wanted to do, likely because of the sad and angry look I was giving her. After a short while however, she started again, saying, “I’ll see what I can do about having you stay with Herbal Essence and Thundertail.”
"How has he been?" Ivory Spark asked the couple.
Leo had only spent one day alone with them, but as she promised, she would visit Leo twice a week, her first of many visits being today.
"He's doing good," Herbal Essence said. "We took him to the park yesterday, and I showed him around my shop. Then we went out to eat, and not much else after that."
"That's good to hear," the doctor said as she wrote down what the mare told her.
"He does still seem a little… sad though," she added.
"Sad?" Ivory Spark asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, not sad exactly. It's more like…"
"Apathetic?"
"You don't think it's us, do you?"
"No, it's not you," she assured her. "And I've spoken with the school teacher, Cheery Leap, about that, and we have something planned for him to help with that."
"Oh, that's good news."
"How have you two been though?" Ivory Spark suddenly asked. "How have you been getting along? Herbal Essence?"
"I'm well. I'm going back to work on Tuesday."
"Thundertail?"
"I'm good," he responded nonchalantly.
"You're going to go to those sessions right?" she asked him. "The first one's on Saturday."
"Of course, of course," he told her casually. "Absolutely."
It took all of her willpower to not scowl at that. She really didn't like the attitude he gave off, and was suddenly starting to feel like she made a bad decision having Leo in his hooves. He seemed to her like he acted more like a teenager than an adult, and had it not been for Leo's attachment to Herbal Essence, wouldn't have ever considered him as a potential foster parent. His attitude just seemed so… she didn't even know. The point was that she didn't like it.
Not that he didn't seem to understand. She explained to him that Leo didn't need an older brother, he needed somepony to take care of him and make him feel safe, and he seemed to take it well enough. The problem was that, from what she'd briefly seen and read about with him, it seemed he had a lack of maturity. She was hoping he could change her perception of him, and thought that Herbal Essence might keep him from acting out of line, but wouldn't hesitate to pull Leo away from him if she thought he couldn't handle him adequately.
"I'm trusting you on that," she told Thundertail.
“So Leo,” Doctor Spark asked me with a smile on her face, “how do you like your new home so far?”
I lay on the ground in front of her, still not wanting to walk much, and she lay on the ground with me to keep at eye level. I had expected to see her again, but I thought it would be in a month, or a few days at least. Although I did like it here thus far, I didn’t really have much of an opinion after one day.
“It’s good,” I answered simply.
“That’s good. How are you feeling?”
I was feeling… better. Less chaotic than I was before, like me and this body were starting to mesh together. I felt a lot more in control of myself now than I did before, and felt a little embarrassed by my actions in the previous days.
"Good," I told her again.
She let down her smile at that, but didn't frown. "You can tell me if you don't like it here," she said.
"I do. I like it," I told her.
"Are you still itchy at all?"
I shrugged. "A little," I admitted to her.
She paused for a second, then asked, "Is it okay if we talk about your parents?"
"I guess," I said, shrugging again.
“What kinds of things did you normally do with them?”
“What do you mean?” I deflected, not wanting to lie.
“Well, I know you’re having some trouble using your magic right now. How did they try and help you with that?”
For the second time, I saw a flash of something. This one was more detailed than the first one several days ago, but still kind of unresolved. The word that came to mind for me was memory , which was what I didn’t want to start having. I was just starting to get over how bad I felt about this colt’s problems, and had enough memories of my own problems. I did not want to add this colt’s memories to those.
I shook my head at her quietly, and she looked at me with sad eyes. "I know it hurts, Leo, but keeping everything in won't make you feel better."
I wasn't trying to keep anything in, I was trying to push things away. "I don't remember what happened to me," I told her.
"Leo-"
"I know that I was hurt, but I don't know how, and I don't want to know how. I don't want to know how other ponies hurt me, since I hurt myself enough as it is."
"Do you think it's your fault for what happened to you?"
She already knew that answer. I told her multiple times before how I felt. Right now, though, I made sure to tell her exactly what I meant. "It's my fault that I'm here right now."
"Why do you think that's your fault?"
"Because I didn't care about what happened to me."
She got up from laying down and moved into a sitting position on the ground. "How do you think you hurt yourself, Leo?"
I sighed. "I told you before."
"Can you tell me again please?"
"I took medicine I didn't need," I huffed.
"And you took it on your own, by yourself?"
"Yes."
"Did anypony know you were taking medicine?"
"No."
She put on a weird expression at that, like she didn't want to ask the next question. "Did anypony tell you to say that, Leo?"
I looked at her, suspicious of her question. "Do you think I'm lying?"
She took a breath and answered, "I don't want to say you're not being truthful, but I don't know if you would have been able to take medicine by yourself because of your magic."
I turned away from her, getting upset. I knew what she said made sense. This colt couldn’t have taken medicine by itself. It couldn’t have done anything by itself. I could see why she didn’t believe me. But still, it hurt that she didn’t believe me.
I sniffed, and she quietly told me, “Leo, you don’t have to be afraid of them hurting you…”
“I’m not lying,” I told her.
“Oh, Leo, I’m sorry,” she said to me quickly, realizing exactly how her words were making me feel. She laid back down, a bit closer to me now, and put one of her hoofs on mine, “I’m sorry I thought you were lying.”
There was a long silence before I finally told her, “It’s okay.”
Another long silence passed before she started to ask me questions again. “Were you trying to hurt yourself, Leo?” she whispered.
“No,” I whispered back.
“Did you think taking it would make you feel better?”
Not technically, no. But still, I answered her with a nod, opting to take the answer that took less explaining.
“Did you know it would probably hurt you?” she asked, and I nodded again. “Leo,” she said, letting her hoof rub my front leg, “I know how much you’re hurting, but you can’t do that. I know it's hard to keep caring, but doing that’s not going to help you.”
Her premise was wrong. I didn’t care about myself in the first place, which was why I started using. Not to make myself care, but because I didn’t care. But I still accepted her words. I knew she was trying to help me, and was doing her best with what I was giving her.
“I know,” I told her.
"She doesn't have to embarrass me," Thundertail complained in a whisper as he and Herbal Essence watched a conversation they couldn't hear. "It's ridiculous."
"You embarrassed her first," Herbal Essence told him, "with what you said to that stallion a few days ago."
"He started it."
"Stop acting like a foal. It doesn't matter who started it. You told him something you were supposed to keep to yourself, and now she doesn't trust you because of it. And then when you add on the fact-"
"That was two years ago !" he interrupted, still whispering. "I bet a third of the ponies in Baltimare have gotten a public intoxication charge."
"That's not the point. Even if it was ten years ago, she's taking a risk on us," she told him. She turned to look him in the eye, adding, "On you . She could lose her job if Leo gets hurt, so she has to make you go.”
“You and I both know-”
“And so does she, otherwise she wouldn’t have even considered him staying with us. She wants to see if you’ll listen to her, because all she sees right now is that you’re immature.”
“What have I done that’s immature?” Thundertail asked. Herbal Essence gave him a look at that, and he said, “Okay, I might have been a teensy weensy tiny little bit immature, but-”
"No buts. You're going to go."
He let out an annoyed sigh. "I didn't say I wasn't going to go. I'm just saying that it's dumb."
Ivory Spark thought about what Leo had told her, and realized it actually made a lot of sense.
Even though he didn’t have magic, he’d likely try to make up for it with increased dexterity in his hooves and with his balance. Him getting to any sort of medication was plausible enough under that assumption. And any colt who was hurting as badly as Leo was would see “medicine” and might use it to make their hurting stop. And then when that option was taken away from him, he resorted to self-harm. However, it didn’t make sense why he resisted medication in the hospital, but, then again, she still didn’t have the full story, and believed it was likely because he was forced to be drugged at one point, or several points, and simply didn’t trust other ponies attempting to administer it to him. And, although Leo did seem to have an adult understanding of the consequences, he still had a foalish view of what medicine was supposed to do .
As much as it hurt her to hear what happened to him, it did make it easier to help him. His logic likely was “I know this is going to hurt me, but I don’t care because I want to stop feeling this way.” Knowing that would help her lay out the groundwork for what they would need to work on during their next few visits. First and foremost would ideally be getting him to realize it wasn’t his fault for what Blue Mist did to him. Although, that would be quite difficult to accomplish until he was ready to tell her what happened. So for now, they would likely be working on his self confidence.
She was also still noticing a bit of a split personality from him, and it almost felt like he had two sets of problems. However, it didn't seem nearly as bad as before. It was like he was... settling. Settling down after leaving his parents. And while it was a good thing, it made her worried about what happened to make him have to settle down again. But that was something to figure out and work with him on later. She already made him uncomfortable enough, and figured now would be a good enough time to change subjects.
"Are you excited about school, Leo?" she asked the colt.
He shrugged, answering, "I guess. I don't really like school though."
"Oh, I think you'll like this school," she said encouragingly. "The school teacher there is really nice, and you'll get to spend time with colts your age."
Leo looked unamused at that, and didn't seem like he really wanted to go. He didn't think he'd be able to bond with them. No, he knew he wouldn't be able to bond with them. But still, for the mare before her, he let out a simple, "I guess."
Despite his lack of enthusiasm, Ivory Spark put on a smile for him. "It won't be bad. I promise. We'll stop by tomorrow so you can meet your teacher and take a test." The look on the colt's face didn't change, so she added, "I actually heard they'll be having a field trip to Canterlot in a few weeks."
"Really?" Leo asked quickly, his face suddenly lighting up.
"Yup," she confirmed, her smile getting a bit bigger. "It'll be at the end of the month or the beginning of May. Would that make you want to go to school?"
"Yes," the colt said happily, putting on a smile.
The sight of him happy made Ivory Spark happy. She was glad he could give him something to look forward to.
"I don't think he'll give you any trouble," Ivory Spark told Cheery Leap. "Although he might seem a little… disinterested."
Cheery Leap gave a small chuckle at that. "Rambunctious, is he?"
She mentally winced at that. "Apathetic,” she told her, not smiling, “and almost despondent."
"Oh," the teacher said quietly, the smile quickly dropping from her face. "I'm sorry to hear that."
"That's part of the reason I want him in school now, even though there are only a few weeks left. From what I've been told, he's had virtually no interaction with colts and fillies his age, and from what I've seen, there aren't many things he likes to do, except practice his magic."
"Finding friends for him shouldn't be difficult here. Although, a few of the students can be a bit…" She stopped, leaving what she was going to say unfinished, then continued, "But most of them aren't going to be a problem, and I'll see to it that he's making friends."
"That's good to hear. Also, I was wondering, do you still take your classes to Canterlot every year?"
"Of course!" she answered, her smile returning. "I was actually thinking of coordinating with the teacher from Ponyville again this year."
"That's perfect. He really needs something to look forward to, and telling him about it was just about the only time I've seen him smile."
She frowned a bit again at that. "Can I ask what's troubling him?"
"I'll be sending over a full report with all of that information tomorrow. Just be aware it won't be an easy read."
"Oh, I hate to hear that. I'll make sure he likes it here."
"Do you need us to carry you?" Herbal Essence asked me as she and I, along with Thundertail, slowly walked from their home to where I'd be going to school. I knew my pace was slowing us down, especially since I was barely putting any weight on the hoof that was fractured. I kind of wanted to accept her offer, but remembered that Doctor Spark wanted me to walk more than I was, and declined.
"If you need any help," she continued, "you can always ask. Okay?"
"I know," I started. "I've…"
"What?" she asked, slightly concerned.
"Nothing," I said simply, and tried to walk a bit faster.
I was going to tell her that I've been through things like this, but I decided that I didn't want to be questioned or relive those experiences. So instead, I walked quietly forward, taking in Baltimare.
I assumed it was a big city, since Baltimare was just a play on Baltimore , and it seemed more planned out than what I remembered seeing Ponyville in the show being. However, it was kind of quiet, with just a few other ponies walking around. While it did look like it stretched out for miles, I couldn't see that many tall buildings, although that might have just been my height obscuring their view.
Walking through the city felt slightly familiar. Not to this colt body, but to me. I felt like I was a kid again, completely worry free, and my mother was walking me to school or to the store. It felt like I still had my whole life ahead of me. Although, where I lived, it was warm almost all year, and the air we walked through now felt a bit colder than it did when I first came here. A strong gust of wind a few seconds later made the feeling quickly fade away.
It wasn’t that long of a walk, maybe several blocks, before we came up to a schoolhouse that looked a lot like the one I knew was in Ponyville. It was bright red, almost pink, and was one story tall with a school bell, much like the one in Ponyville. It looked like it was one room, and as we walked up, I saw in front of the school ten to fifteen ponies playing outside, who all looked around the same age as me.
Seeing them was a sudden reminder to me of just how old I was. I was an adult . I was probably only a couple of years younger than Thundertail, maybe even the same age, and closer to Herbal Essence’s age than the ponies I saw playing. And yet I knew that they were going to expect me to make friends with them, the thought of which started to make me feel embarrassed, as well as a bit uncomfortable. Embarrassed by the idea that I would have to make friends with ponies so young, and uncomfortable by the idea of who I was potentially rubbing off on them.
We made our way into the building to see a room that looked an awful lot like the schoolroom in Ponyville. Inside was a slightly older looking yellow mare with brown glasses, who I could only assume to be the teacher. She wore a smile as he walked over to greet us, and let out a hoof to shake Herbal Essence and Thundertail.
"I'm glad you all could be here," she told the two, then bent her neck down to look me in the eyes. "I hear that you need to take a test?"
"I guess," I shrugged.
"That's perfect. If you could just take a seat right here?" She pointed to a desk directly to the right of us near the entrance, and went to retrieve a few papers from her desk, as well as a pencil.
She set them in front of me, saying, "This is going to be your assigned seat. You can start the test whenever you're ready, and skip over anything you don't understand."
I quickly glanced down at the paper, seeing a list of math problems, and looked back up at her. "I can't write," I told her.
Cheery Leap was surprised to see that he couldn't write. She hadn't yet gotten around to reading the report Ivory Spark had given her, so assumed that, when she said he practiced magic, he was very proficient in it. She wasn't prepared to see that he could barely pick up the pencil, and couldn't keep the shock off her face.
But she caught herself a moment later after seeing the look the colt gave her, and told him, "Well, I guess you'll just have to tell me the answers out loud so I can write them down for you."
The two worked through the sheet, and watched as he started with simple addition and subtraction problems and went up to double-digit multiplication and fractions, sometimes moving his hoof to draw out problems in his head. Once he admitted to not being able to solve anymore, they moved on to reading, where he read sentences and gave meanings to words well above what a colt his age should have been able to read and comprehend. Lastly, they did history and science, where his answers turned out to be about what she expected. After all was said and done, she congratulated him.
"You did really well!" she said with a smile. "As good as a colt or filly twice your age! Now, let's…"
She stopped when she saw his expression, one that was conveying disappointment, and almost embarrassment. "I'm so stupid," Leo said quietly.
Ivory Spark had mentioned to Cheery Leap that he had self confidence issues, but she didn't expect them to be to this extent. Most foals would have been excited to hear that they were performing well above average, not seemingly embarrassed for not being able to do more. "You did better than anypony I've seen for your age," she told him. "Even older ponies would struggle with some of these questions, especially with math, and you were able to work the problems out in your head."
Even more embarrassment came to him as he looked down the desk. What he was hearing from her was that children half his age were smarter than him. He felt like he should have been able to go farther, and probably would have had he not screwed himself over before. "I could have done better if I weren't so stupid," he told her.
Cheery Leap opened her mouth to say something, but Herbal Essence spoke first. "Leo, look at me," she told him. He looked into her eyes, and she told him, "You're not stupid," in a manner that was both caring and slightly forceful. "I don't want to hear you say those things about yourself, okay?"
He almost told her that what he said was true, but didn't. The way the mare had about her made Leo almost want to believe her. Even if he was still a human, he might still have nearly bought in to what she was saying, perhaps more so even. But right now, he felt stupid, and didn’t believe her claim that he wasn’t. Still, for her, he simply said, “Okay.”
“There’s nothing else you need to do, Leo,” Cheery Leap told him starting to change the subject, “and you don’t have to be in class today if you don’t want to be. But you can play outside with the other colts and fillies for now if you’d like to.”
A group of five or six colts made their way up to me as soon as I stepped outside again, the three adults remaining inside. They were all different colors, except more of the muted shades that I’d been seeing thus far. They also all had looks of curiosity on their faces, mixed with a bit of excitement at what I assumed to be the idea of meeting someone new.
“I’ve never seen you before,” one of them told me. “What’s your name?”
"Nothing like a five-year-old to get straight to the point," I thought.
“Leo,” I told the group.
“How old are you?”
“Um, five.”
“We’re six,” a different pony told me. “Except for him,” they continued, pointing to the first one. “He’s seven.”
I guess they weren’t the same age as me. That was interesting. Evidently, Doctor Spark thought it would be better to put me with ponies slightly above my age group. I wasn’t expecting that, but I wasn’t going to complain. Six and seven-year-olds would be easier for me to interact with than four and five-year-olds.
“How did you get hurt?” a third pony asked, noticing a cast on one leg and bandages on another.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“Oh,” they said thoughtfully, then asked, “Do you want to play with us?”
“Not particularly, ” I thought, “but since there’s nothing better to do… ”
“I guess,” I told them.
“Okay, then you’re it!” the first one said, and touched me with a hoof before running away.
The rest of them took off with him and laughed, expecting me to start chasing them. However, they turned back and looked at me confused when they saw that I didn't take a single step.
“You’re supposed to chase us,” one of them called out, as though I didn’t understand how to play “tag”.
“How am I supposed to catch you?” I asked them genuinely. “I won’t be able to chase you in this thing.” I held out the leg that had the cast.
One of them put a hoof on their chin, as though they were thinking, and told me, “You can try.”
That was roughly the reaction I expected. However, rather than explain to them why the scenario would be unfair or suggest a different game, I went along with their request and tried to chase after them. But as slow as I was, I wasn’t able to get them, and they quickly grew bored of me after a few minutes.
“You’re too slow,” one of them told me.
“Obviously,” I thought, and tried to explain, “I can only go so fast.”
They humphed at that, and one of them said, “You’re no fun.”
This was about what I was expecting with interacting with them. I couldn’t say that I ever particularly liked children, or foals in this case, and this was the reason why. Still, despite my expectations, despite how small the comment was, it got to me, and started to make my eyes wet.
“I’m leaving,” I said quietly, turning to make my way back inside as they started their game again.
"Can I ask what got him so upset?" Cheery Leap asked the couple. "Doctor Spark sent me a report, but I haven't yet taken the time to read it."
"He has really low self-esteem," Herbal Essence told her sadly. "I really hate to see him demean himself like that."
The teacher looked around for a second, as though somepony might be watching, and whispered, "What happened?" She watched as the mare she asked flinched at the question, and looked to Thundertail, who mouthed something. Understanding what he was saying, she put a hoof up to her mouth. "Oh, my. That's awful! "
"It's horrible," the green mare agreed, becoming upset by the thought.
"Well, at least he's in better hooves now."
Herbal Essence caught sight of me once I entered, and immediately asked me what was wrong.
I lay down on the ground in front of a desk and responded bitterly, “Apparently, I’m no fun.”
“What happened?” she asked, looking as though she was holding back tears.
“I can’t chase them because of this dumb cast.”
I knew it was ridiculous to be upset by it. I didn’t really want to interact with them to begin with, and even if I did, I could have easily suggested doing something else. But while I was in much better control of myself now, I still had a more childish view on things, which made their comments hurt, even though it was insignificant.
“You can ask to play a different game,” Herbal Essence suggested.
My childish perspective, combined with how far behind people my age I learned I was during that test, put me in too bad a mood to do that. “I want to go back home,” I told her.
“We don’t have to go home yet, Leo,” Herbal Essence told me as we left the school. “We could find something to do if you’d like.”
“Like what?”
“Well, we could go to the park again, or to the library if you’d like.”
Those options weren’t particularly appealing to me. I did want to spend time with them, but more like what we did yesterday, when I was mostly sleeping silently in their company. However, I was almost certain that they were told to get me to be with foals my age by Doctor Spark, so reluctantly decided on the park.
We quickly headed over, and I quietly lay in the grass, with them taking spots next to me. I used to go to the park all the time, mostly after I became homeless, and so did a lot of other people. It was in a section of the city the police really didn't patrol through, and was a place where you could probably get away with murder if you wanted to. It was dirty and filled with broken glass, and basically only existed to serve people like me.
This park, however, was quiet and clean, and while there was a lack of ponies, I assumed it was mostly because it was a school day. I already knew without seeing it that the rest of the city was like this. It made me sad to think about, sad that I couldn't have lived in a city like this before.
"No," I thought. "It wasn't the city. It was me."
I tried to get that thought off my mind. I was really trying to stop thinking about the past. There was nothing for me there. But still, I couldn't help it, and sighed because of it.
"Hey, Leo," Thundertail started, interrupting my thinking, likely seeing the sadness I was feeling pasted on my face. "What's yellow and dangerous?"
I looked up and stared at him for a second. I wasn't really in the mood for jokes, but the wide smile he wore didn't look like it would be denied. "What?" I asked.
"A shark infested custard."
It was the worst joke I'd ever heard, but it made me laugh. Not just chuckle, but laugh, so hard and so long that I had tears in my eyes and my sides started to hurt. I didn't know what came over me, but it sounded like the funniest thing I'd heard in my whole life. It might have been the fact that, as bad as I felt the past week, I wasn't naturally that person. Or maybe I just needed something to laugh about.
"Ow, ow, ow," I got out as I put a hoof to my side, still laughing a little.
"It was that good, huh?" Thundertail asked, laughing a bit himself.
"That was the dumbest joke ever," I told him, still smiling.
"You know what will make you smile more than that? Your face muscles."
Another bout of hard laughing came over me. I didn't think it was the jokes, but Thundertail that was making me laugh. He was like Herbal Essence in that he had a certain way about him, although to a lesser extent. He seemed like someone I'd be friends with as a human, and while Doctor Spark did tell me about his disorderly conduct charge, I didn't really care about that all that much. If anything, it meant that he probably wasn't going to be too serious with me, which was okay. Although it might also have meant that he wasn't going to be a good influence, but I wasn't planning on being influenced by him anyway.
"Wanna hear another one?" he asked as I tried to stop laughing, my stomach hurting.
"No," I told him, shaking my head as I took deep breaths to make myself stop laughing. "Laughing hurts now."
I stayed laying in the grass, my mood brightened considerably after something so small. I really didn't know why I was being so difficult before, or why I thought it would be hard to be a colt. Now that I had a change of scenery from that hospital, I slowly thought less and less about what either I or this colt went through. I could still feel my troubles there, but it was a great deal easier to ignore and manage now that there was no way for me to access what was wrong for me. I originally thought it would be easier to be an adult, but it was actually quite easy being a foal.
“So Leo,” Herbal Essence started, “Your new teacher told me you’d be visiting Canterlot at the end of April. Are you excited about that?”
“Absolutely!” Leo responded excitedly, still grinning. “I want to see the castle, Princess Twilight, and everything else there!”
"It sounds like it'll be fun," she responded, continuing to smile, happy to see him happy, glad to see that he wasn't still bothered by what went on at the school earlier. Although she was a bit concerned. "In the meantime, was there anything else you wanted to do?"
He thought about the question for a second, then answered, "I don't know. Like what?"
“Well, is there anything you want?”
“Not really.”
"We can buy you some books or games if you'd like for when you're at home. I mean, we won't be able to go out all the time."
She said it with a smile on her face, but she was worried about him. Doctor Spark had highlighted the need for him to make friends, but Herbal Essence was worried he might not be able to do that. However, while she knew that buying things for him wouldn't help him make friends, and might actually make him more reluctant to try to, she couldn't help it. She didn't want him to be sad if he couldn't find companions.
However, despite being upset by his interaction earlier, Leo wasn't particularly concerned about being alone or feeling bored. He didn’t really have any friends after Mandy left, and large portions of his day as a human were spent staring at the sky doing nothing. And while he did want to get the full experience of being in Equestria, he viewed finding friends and having fun as a minor objective in comparison to changing his life and seeing all of the world. Besides, he didn’t really care for books or games. For now, he was content to just enjoy being here.
“It’s fine,” he told her honestly. “I don’t need anything.”
“We can get you whatever you want,” she insisted. “It’s really no problem.”
“I don’t want anything,” he said again as he closed his eyes, still laying down.
The way the colt said that didn’t help her worry about him. He sounded like he didn’t care. Not that he sounded unhappy, but Herbal Essence was concerned nonetheless. She looked to the stallion next to her, silently telling him to help her convince him.
Thundertail thought for a moment, then asked, “How are you going to practice your magic if you don’t have any toys to practice with?”
Leo’s eyes flipped open at that, he quickly announced, “I change my mind.”
Thundertail laughed at that. "Of course you do," he said.
A while later, the three were back at home, Leo acquiring a book about magic and a set of blocks to practice with. He was sitting alone with Thundertail, who was watching him very slowly try to build something while the two asked each other questions back and forth.
"What do you think your cutie mark is going to be?"
"I don't know. A syringe, maybe?"
"A syringe?" he asked with a weird expression.
"For if I became a doctor," he lied, laughing silently to himself at his joke.
"Do you want to be a doctor?"
"Not really."
"You could be one, with how smart you are."
"I'm not smart enough to be a doctor," Leo thought, "but okay."
"Or maybe you'll become a world-famous magician and get a star as your cutie mark."
"Probably not, seeing how bad I am at magic," he said, still struggling to try and build something.
"You're better than me, aren't you?" Thundertail asked.
"That's because you're not a unicorn."
"Which means you'll always be better than me," he responded, laughing a bit.
"I guess that's true," Leo confirmed. "What does your cutie mark mean?"
"Oh, this thing?" he asked, looking at a dollar sign on what appeared to be a piece of paper on his flank. "That just means I'm good with finances and budgeting."
Leo thought that was interesting. Most ponies had names that indicated their coat color or special talent, or sometimes their personalities. Given his cutie mark, the name didn't really seem like it fit well for him.
"Then how come you're not super rich?" the colt asked innocently. Not that the house he now lived in was run down. It was actually quite nice. He just had a feeling that, if not for Herbal Essence, Thundertail's situation might have been more like his own situation was before.
"That… is a story for another day."
Leo felt like he knew exactly what that meant. Thundertail was probably the kind of pony who would rather work as little as possible and make just enough money to get by than work hard and make a lot of money. In essence, he was probably lazy.
"How old are you?"
"I am twenty-two years old," he told him as a matter of fact.
Leo chuckled at that. "That's older than me," he said, smiling at how unknowingly close to his age he was.
Thundertail looked up, pretending to ponder the statement. "Hmm. I guess you could say it is."
"How old is… um… Herbal Essence?" he asked, a bit unsure of if he should just keep calling them by their full names.
"She's twenty-seven," he told Leo.
"She's kind of old," the colt commented, referring to the age difference between her and Thundertail. It seemed weird to him, but didn't question it. Although, he did want to ask how they met and what Herbal Essence might have seen in him, since they seemed kind of different from each other. However, he decided not to.
"Now don't go telling her that," Thundertail responded simply.
Leo went back to focusing on building, the stallion watching him quietly. To him, Leo didn't seem like a five or six-year-old. He seemed more like a ten or eleven-year-old. Or actually, all over the age spectrum, based on what he'd seen over the past week. It seemed weird to him, but, to be fair, he didn't really know that much about foals. Besides, if anything, it made him more interesting.
Author's Note
Random question: When you read this, do you assign voices for all of the characters? Cause that's what I do.
The next day started a bit earlier than the previous, although in the same way, with the three of us walking towards the one-room schoolhouse where I’d be going each day. I wasn’t particularly excited about it. I didn’t really like kids that much, and I couldn’t stand school, hence my dropping out. Still, I guessed it would be better than sitting and doing nothing all day like I had been, and knew that there were, including the teacher, four adults who wanted me to go, so I decided to try to look at it as “getting the full experience” in Equestria. Besides, they’d be taking a field trip to Canterlot in a few weeks, and I didn't want to miss out on that.
We made our way over and walked into the building, being greeted by Miss Leap, and I quickly noticed that I was the first one there.
“You’re quite early,” she told me. “Most of the other students aren’t going to start showing up for ten or fifteen more minutes."
"I told you," Thundertail commented, looking at Herbal Essence.
"But that’s fine, because it means we can use right now to plan out how today’s going to go for you.”
She explained that the class was typically broken up into three sections: math, reading, and science/history, and that there'd be a break in between each section. I also learned that, while her class started at the same time each day, there wasn't a set time for how long each section of class would last, or how long the day as a whole was. Once she felt she was done teaching, we were released.
"How will we know when to pick him up then?" Herbal Essence asked.
"Well, the rest of the students walk themselves home, but I can walk Leo home if you'd like. Your house is actually on my way."
"If it's no trouble, that'd be perfect."
"You're lucky, Leo," Thundertail told me. "When I was in school, we had to leave at the same time every day, no matter what."
"I can relate to that," I thought.
With that thought, the other students started to make their way into the room, and Herbal Essence and Thundertail saw themselves out. I watched as Miss Leap greeted each one that came in for a few minutes, before, after what I assumed to be the last student came in, she turned everyone's attention to me.
"Fillies and colts," she announced, "we have a new student in class today, who some of you may have met yesterday." She then turned to me, asking, "Would you like to introduce yourself?"
I let out a small cough. "Um, I'm Leo," I said quietly.
"Where are you from, Leo?"
I knew that the main reason I was here was because Doctor Spark wanted me to make friends, so I decided to try something unexpected. "An alternate universe," I answered, putting on a tiny smile.
She smiled back at that, and it got a few chuckles, which was what I was hoping for. "And how old are you?"
"Twenty."
A few more laughs came from it, and the teacher looked genuinely happy with my responses. I personally enjoyed the unknown truthfulness behind what I said for my introduction. "Well, in any case, Leo, this is our class, and we'll all do our part to make you feel welcome here. Right, class?"
"Yes, Miss Leap," a dozen or so mouths said.
"Now, does anypony remember where we left off yesterday for math?"
Where I used to live, you had to be sixteen to drop out of school, and seventeen to drop out without your parents' permission. I remember eagerly waiting for the day I could drop out, not wanting to have to suffer through my second year of the tenth, my parents begging me to just keep going. "You were near the top of your class just two years ago. You don't have to throw everything away. You can still fix the mess you've made for yourself." Of course, my predictable response was "I don't care" and "If you want me to keep going to school, you'll make me go to rehab." However, I told them that knowing that, where I lived, I couldn't be forced to go to rehab after turning sixteen, so there was really nothing they could do at that point unless they got a court order, which would have been quite difficult for them to get. And so, the day I turned seventeen, I signed my notice that I was dropping out, and left feeling excited that I would never have to go to school ever again.
And now, just over three years later, I was sitting in class once again with a bunch of six and seven year olds.
Even though I was in first grade, and I already knew everything she was explaining, math to start off the day was awful, and I found myself putting my chin on the desk, my mind wandering away from her. I started to think about that other Leo. What was he doing now? The genie said he put him in my five-year-old body, but was he five right now, or already twenty like I was when I left? Either way, he was probably in school right now with me, whether in kindergarten or college, instead of being completely pathetic like I was. I don't think he was actively seeking out trouble like I did.
I remembered that the genie said he was going to dehydrate and die if he was still here. I almost wanted to say I was the reason he was better off now, but I knew better. Mandy was the reason he was better off. I knew that, like me, even if her parents wanted her to, she didn't have to go to rehab. Her parents couldn't force her to go. But she did anyway, giving me the DVDs that inevitably got me here. She changed at least two lives, maybe even three if she herself got better. She would have loved being here, probably even more than me.
"Leo? Can you answer this question for us?"
Miss Leap called on me several times before the first break, clearly trying to keep me engaged, and, even in my first day of school in three years, I found myself struggling to keep myself focused on her. It probably didn't help that I didn't actually have to focus on her to find the answers to her questions.
"Well, I think that's enough for now. How about we try something new and I send the worksheet home with you?"
"Yay. Homework," I silently thought, though I knew she did that mostly to accommodate my inability to write as of yet.
"How about we take a quick break?"
I watched as the class quickly got up from their seats and ran out the door, debating on whether I should join them. However, I ultimately decided to stay put. There were three breaks, and she'd probably let us go outside for all of them. Besides, I really wanted to try using my magic to write. I figured I could skip going outside this time.
"How are you enjoying our class so far, Leo?" Miss Leap suddenly asked with a smile as she made her way up to me.
"I don't know," I told her honestly. "I don't really like school."
I saw her give me a weird expression at that, like she was upset at that suggestion, but kept an awkward smile on her face. "Oh, I'm sure this school will be better than wherever you went before."
Doctor Spark clearly told her about me, as well as about this colt being homeschooled. She hadn't explicitly told me that this colt was homeschooled, but it was very heavily implied by her, and all but confirmed by the teacher. I actually felt a little bad for her having to know about what we went through.
"I don't like math," I clarified.
She kept the smile on her face, although I saw her expression changing to worry. I actually had to take a second to think about what kind of implication she was getting from what I said. I was an abused colt who was homeschooled who didn't like math but was, for my age, very good at it. Her thought process probably was that Blue Mist told me to get better or be abused. It was a very weird conclusion to come to, and an overreaction on her part, especially since there was a much more reasonable conclusion for my not liking the subject.
"It's boring ," I told her, which is what she should have concluded.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” she apologized, and put a hoof on my shoulder. “What’s your favorite subject?” I resisted my urge to say none of them, opting instead to answer with history, since I was interested in learning what happened since Twilight became ruler. “Well, since you’re new, how about we do that next?”
I shrugged. “Okay,” I told her, feeling a little embarrassed.
“For now though, why don’t you go outside and play?”
“I’m fine. Um, can I get a pencil and paper to practice my magic?”
“You’ll have plenty of time to practice that later,” she said to me kindly. “Why don’t you go play outside for now?”
I sighed, realizing that she wasn’t going to be taking no for an answer, and hobbled my way out the door, the mare following behind me. I stepped out and stood to see most of them playing some game, and a couple of them, a pair of colts, standing alone watching them. They hadn’t even looked my way, but I immediately got a Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon impression from them.
“Go on,” Miss Leap told me, nudging me forward.
I reluctantly made my way forward, opting to lay down in the grass in front of the group and watch them rather than join in. Although it wasn't long before a few of them came up and offered to let me join on their game.
"We're sorry we said you were no fun yesterday," one of them told me. "You can play with us if you want."
"I'm fine," I explained, not really in the mood to try and entertain them. Besides that, Miss Leap probably put them up to it. "Maybe later."
"Why would you want to play with him anyway?" a voice said behind me. I turned around to see the two colts who were standing alone now directly behind me. It seemed like the bully vibe I got from them was accurate. "He's just a dumb five-year-old."
"I can't argue with that," I thought.
"Miss Leap said we have to be nice to him anyway."
"Thanks for saying you're trying to be nice because you were told to," I thought, "and also that you think I'm just a dumb five-year-old, too." That was part of the reason why I didn't really like kids. They didn't understand what they were supposed to keep to themselves and how to avoid unnecessary implications. A common occurrence in my old body whenever I went to buy food was being told by kids that I was dirty and smelly. While I was no better than them at talking to people, and despite me not actually caring that I was dirty and smelly, I still didn't want to hear it from them.
"So what? He's just trying to be a teacher's pet," the bully said. "I bet he's not even really hurt."
That was an interesting way to say he was curious, but I decided to indulge him.
"Do you want to see it?" I asked.
"What?"
"Do you want to see what's under my bandage?"
He looked at me, unsure. "Uh, only to prove that you're not lying."
"Okay. Let me ask if I can."
Miss Leap naturally had questions when I asked her. "They're not pressuring you, are they?" she asked me with concern. I shook my head, and she bit her lip, looking like she wanted to tell me no. "Well… only if you're comfortable."
"I'm fine with showing them. But I'll need help wrapping it back up."
Cheery Leap cringed away as the rest of the fillies and colts looked at Leo's wound in awe. She seriously considered not letting him show them but was afraid to deny him what he wanted. Not only that, but she didn’t think it would look quite so bad . However, seeing his injury, she honestly had trouble believing the colt could do that to himself.
“Wow…” one of the foals said. “How did that happen?”
“A timberwolf,” Leo lied. “I was almost caught by one.”
“You were caught by a timberwolf ?” somepony else asked, amazed.
“Almost caught,” he corrected them, a tiny smile creeping onto his face.
“Tell us how!”
“He can tell you all about it later,” Cheery Leap interrupted, hating to see what Leo had done to himself. “For now, why don’t we get back inside and start on our history lesson?”
With a bit of disappointment from her students, she led the class back into the room after helping Leo get bandaged back up to start on history.
She noticed quite a change in his demeanor while she talked, and didn’t know if it was from the new subject or his brief time outside, but appreciated it. He seemed more engaged in what she was saying now, and had many questions to ask, mainly about events since Celestia’s and Luna’s retirement. While she had gone over that previously in the year, she was happy to answer them for him, and loved to see the genuine excitement and interest he had in what she told the class. As well, he had more of a willingness to go outside during this break, wanting to tell the class his “story” about the timberwolf. He even came up with a clever lie about how it did something to his magic, using it as his excuse for why he couldn’t use it properly. And although he once again lay in the grass watching them play after he finished, he seemed much happier now than he was earlier in the morning, and, if what Doctor Spark said was true, happier than he’d been in a long time. She found herself glad she let him show them his injury.
Although, she did notice a bit more frustration from him when they started working on writing. She provided him a shorter pencil that he could pick up more easily, but he had neither the force to push it to the paper hard enough to effectively write nor the control to make much more than light squiggly lines. Eventually, however, just before he started to get upset, she showed him how to use his mouth to write like most of the rest of the class, which he was able to get the hang of a lot more quickly. Still, every so often, he’d once again try to write using his magic.
With the end of the writing portion of her lesson, the class was over for the day, and she found herself walking Leo back to his home. The two were mostly silent during the trip, though not because the colt was upset. In fact, despite his lack of excitement to begin the day, he was quite happy with how it turned out, which the teacher took grateful notice of. Cheery Leap’s class had not been anywhere near how he expected it to be, and he almost found himself looking forward to the fact that he’d be going back the next day.
Leo got more comfortable as the week went on. By Friday, just a few days later, he found himself waking up, enjoying knowing he would be going to school that day, a feeling he didn’t ever have in his old life. He especially enjoyed history, and had many questions to ask during that portion of Cheery Leap’s class. And, while he was still a bit isolated and wanted to keep to himself, he was more willing to join in on whatever the rest of the class was doing during their breaks.
During the afternoon, after Cheery Leap brought him home, he’d be greeted by Thundertail, and when she came home, Herbal Essence, and spend most of his time either reading his magic book or working with his blocks. Whenever he got bored or fed up with it, he’d spend time in his foster parents' company, asking them questions about themselves or telling jokes. After the three ate dinner, he was quietly helped into bed and was drifting off to sleep in no time.
Although it was a simple routine that was developing that many would say was uninteresting, Leo did begin to enjoy it, seeing as most of his days before were nearly completely empty. And while he did still think it was weird to be treated like a child again, it was much less frustrating than it was when he was first in the hospital. In fact, he could almost say he liked the feeling, and could feel himself becoming less resistive to what other ponies wanted each day.
On Saturday, the colt was woken up early by Thundertail, although it was a bit later than he was during the week. He rubbed his eyes and sleepily asked, “Where are we going?”
Thundertail answered with a frown. “Oh, somewhere a certain somepony says I have to go. I don’t know how long we’ll be, but I don’t think it’ll take that long.” Leo wanted to press, but decided to just accept his answer as he was helped out of bed and quickly shuffled out the door behind his guardian.
Like the rest of the week, it was another nice day outside, the sun warming their coats as they made their way off to somewhere. Leo didn't know exactly where they were going, but he had an idea. He had a feeling it had something to do with his guardian's disorderly conduct charge, and that he had to go to some kind of probation as a result. "Or maybe Doctor Spark told him to go to counseling," he thought as they quickly pulled up to a building whose sign read "Baltimare Mental Health Services". Leo almost thought it was for himself, but remembered that Thundertail said he was told to go here.
They stepped inside, and Leo immediately tensed up at a sign announcing a meeting they said would be held in a few minutes. Substance abuse counseling . He was certain they were here for this, and looked up at Thundertail, who looked annoyed upon reading the sign. He was surprised that he had to be here, and became even more suspicious, wondering if Ivory Spark told Thundertail to bring him here, even despite how ridiculous a thought that was. He was sure if she did, she would have told Herbal Essence as well. Besides, he didn't think she thought he was a drug addict.
“Here for this morning’s meeting?” a stallion sitting behind a desk, the receptionist, asked politely, a smile on his face.
“Unfortunately,” Thundertail told him, rolling his eyes, sounding irritated.
“It’s just going to be down the hall and to the left, sir,” he said, pointing a hoof in the direction we were supposed to go. "Can I just get your name, please?"
"Thundertail," he answered.
They watched as the pony hummed quietly to himself for a second, looking at a sheet of paper, before announcing, "You were actually changed out of this morning's meeting into individual counseling a few days ago. It says here that the change was put in by Doctor Ivory Spark."
Thundertail huffed at that. "That's annoying. I was looking forward to eating food and not saying anything."
"I'm sure she was expecting that," Leo thought. "That's something I would do."
"You'll be with Helping Hoof this morning. His office is going to be down past our conference center, in room twelve."
"This is just going to be so much fun ," Thundertail said sarcastically.
"You know it," Leo thought silently.
The two silently made their way to Helping Hoof's office, Leo being more relaxed now that he knew he wouldn't have to listen to a bunch of ponies talk about the past lives they lived, ones that he knew would be very similar to his own. He thought he was doing a good job of just ignoring his problems recently, and really wasn't in the mood to start thinking about how much he now hated how he used to be. And while the stallion was going to be seeing a counselor, he didn't think Thundertail and the therapist he would see would get that far into drug abuse. From what he'd seen from Ivory Spark, Leo didn't think she'd ever consider placing him into Thundertail's care if he was a former drug addict or alcoholic. His best guess was that, a while ago, Thundertail had some kind of intoxication charge and she was making him go because she had to.
It wasn't very long before they were walking through the open door that was Helping Hoof's office. "Good morning," an older brown, earth pony stallion with glasses greeted them, walking from behind his desk. "You must be Thundertail, right? I'm Helping Hoof." He then looked down at Leo, asking, "And who are you, little one?"
"Uh, Leo," the colt got out, slightly surprised by the stallions friendliness towards him.
"I must say, you look just like your father here," Helping Hoof commented with a smile. "Or is he your brother?"
"How about 'legal guardian'?" Thundertail interjected.
"You're not related?" Both the colt and the guardian shook their heads. "Well, the resemblance is striking," he told them, simply assuming that Thundertail was his stepfather as he went back behind the desk.
Leo, however, stopped to think about the comparison that was made. He did know that he looked a bit like him, but focused more on their similar personalities. Actually, it seemed to him like they had almost the exact same personality. They both had the same general carefree attitude, although Leo's was much stronger just a couple of weeks ago, and had developed into complete carelessness. The colt was also betting that they were also the same in impulse control, just from hearing what Ivory Spark told him, with Thundertail seeming like he had a bit more of an attitude about him. And, evidently, they both needed counseling, although likely for different reasons.
“You can take a seat if you’d like,” he told Thundertail, then turned to Leo. “Would you like something to draw on or anything?” He shook his head, opting to lay down next to his guardian's chair. “I know we only have thirty minutes today, but why don’t you go ahead and tell me about yourself?" he asked, turning his attention back to Thundertail. "Your name and why you think you’re here?”
“I’m Leo, and I’m here cause I was a big, fat idiot,” the colt thought.
“I’m Thundertail, and I’m literally only here cause I was forced into being here,” the stallion grumbled.
“You were forced to be here?” he asked, a curious tone in his voice. “What would happen if you weren’t here?”
Thundertail rolled his eyes. “What do you think?” he asked back, an aggravated tone in his voice.
“I have no idea,” Helping Hoof told him, keeping his tone even, pretending that he didn’t know. “But you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. What would you like to talk about?”
“Ideally, nothing,” the colt thought at the same time as Thundertail spoke those words, the latter adding, “but that’s not an option, is it?”
“Well, how about we start with you being ‘forced’ to be here? What makes you think you were?”
“Because I had absolutely no self-control and didn’t care about what happened to me.”
“Because a certain somepony wants to embarrass me over one tiny incident.”
Helping Hoof raised an eyebrow. “What happened?”
“I started killing myself because I thought I couldn’t possibly become addicted.”
“I got one little disorderly conduct charge two years ago ,” he told him, leaving out the fact that he embarrassed Ivory Spark shortly after he met her.
“Can you elaborate for me?”
The colt closed his eyes at that question. “Most of my life,” he thought, “I was an above average student in school, on pace to have a high paying job and a bright future, with great friends and parents that cared about me. Then I decided that I didn’t care about all of that, and that working to build a successful life was boring, and that it’d be more fun to completely ruin it through drug abuse.”
Thundertail huffed. “I may have gotten a bit drunk one night after my team lost a game and made a tiny scene in public.”
“Do you drink often?” Helping Hoof asked.
“No. It was harder to get my hands on alcohol than it was other things.”
“Not often enough to be considered an alcoholic like you obviously think.”
“And I didn’t say you were,” he said kindly, "and I definitely don't think that. But if you were, it would be nothing to be ashamed about. Addiction is nothing to be ashamed of."
"Yes it would, and is," Leo thought.
"Yes it would be," Thundertail told the stallion. "You should be ashamed if you're dumb enough to become addicted to drugs or alcohol."
Leo winced slightly at that. It wasn't what was said, but who said it that made the words hurt. Even if he agreed with Thundertail, he didn't like to hear it.
"Do you believe that everypony struggling with addiction sought it out?"
"It seems kind of hard to become addicted if you don't."
"Well," Helping Hoof told him, "I can say that the vast majority of drug addictions, at least here in Baltimare, are because of emotional trauma and peer pressure."
That hurt Leo more to hear. From what the stallion left out of what his statements, he was saying that Leo was stupid for becoming addicted for no reason, and that he should be ashamed of himself for it. Not that he didn't feel that way, but it still felt awful to hear somepony else echo his thoughts.
"You could just have more willpower," Thundertail responded.
"Well let's talk about that. You said you became drunk one night after your team lost a match. Would you consider that a lack of willpower?"
"That's not the same. Mine happened one time two years ago during a momentary lapse of judgement, whereas a drug addict or alcoholic is actively choosing to ruin their life."
"Addiction isn't something anypony can help," the stallion told Thundertail kindly, thinking he just needed encouragement to open up about himself. The colt, however, was hating having to listen to this conversation. He knew what Helping Hoof was trying to say, and what he meant when he talked to Thundertail, but couldn't help but take all the wrong implications from his words. In this, despite how ridiculous he knew it would be for the stallion to imply, he heard that, despite his recent ability to take his mind off of what was wrong for him, the thought was going to come back and he'd hurt himself.
"But moving on, did you not think you'd have any consequences?"
"I didn't at one point," Leo thought, getting teary eyed, "but then I decided I didn't care."
"I wasn't thinking clearly at the time," Thundertail admitted, "but I'm not an alcoholic because I only have alcohol during sporting events."
"Can I ask how often that is?"
"I don't know, maybe a couple of times a… Leo? What's wrong?"
The stallion turned to see his foster colt crying silently, slightly shivering. Leo sighed, quickly gathering himself and wiping away his tears. "It's nothing," he told him. "I'm fine. I'm sorry."
"Do you- do you want to sit up here with me?" Thundertail asked.
Leo considered for a second saying no, thinking it would be weird to sit in his lap, especially with how close in age they were. A second later though, he decided he didn't care and climbed up, laying down and closing his eyes once again to listen to the conversation, Thundertail wrapping his hooves around him.
"Is everything okay?" Thundertail asked with concern.
"I'm fine," Leo told him again.
The room was still and silent for a moment. "But um," Thundertail started again, speaking to Helping Hoof, his attitude seeming to have dissipated some, "it's only every couple of weeks, maybe once a week at most."
"That's how I started out," Leo thought.
"Do you ever feel differently when you don't drink?" Helping Hoof asked.
"Um, no? Because I'm not an alcoholic?"
"It’s okay to admit addiction," he asserted. “That’s the first step to getting better. It’s not something that just goes away by ignoring it.”
Leo opened his eyes again at that, the words ringing in his ears. It’s not going to go away by ignoring it . He didn’t want to go back to the way he felt during his first several days in Equestria, and especially didn't want to suffer through his itching again. The thought that his problem wouldn’t go away frightened him, to the point where he almost thought he could feel his itching creeping back.
I watched silently as Helping Hoof and Thundertail started to talk their way into a circle before the thirty minutes were up. It didn’t seem like much was accomplished between the two during the span of the entire meeting, but Helping Hoof promised to see him in a couple of weeks at the start of May for an hour and a half long session to make up for this one.
With that in mind, we left, Thundertail carrying me on his back on the way out the door. It was a bit warmer outside now, and we stood in place for a few seconds as Thundertail decided on what to do.
“We still have the whole day,” he told me, turning his head to look at me. “Was there anything you wanted to do?” I shook my head no, and he asked another question. “Do you… do you, um… want to tell me what’s bothering you…?”
I sighed. It was better to tell him right now and have him stop doing it than to let it fester. “I… don’t like what you said earlier,” I said quietly.
He raised an eyebrow at that, confused. “What did I say?”
“You said that drug users should be ashamed of themselves and were dumb,” I sniffed, “and it hurt.”
His eyes went wide at that. “I’m sorry,” he told me quickly. “I’m sorry. I don’t actually think that, Leo. I didn’t mean that.”
I sighed again. “It’s fine,” I whispered, silently thinking, “I’m already ashamed of myself and think I’m dumb.”
“I’m sorry,” he apologized again. “What I said isn't true. You- you're not mad at me, are you?”
“No, it’s fine,” I whispered again, closing my eyes and putting my head on his back. “It just hurts.”
I felt him wince at that. "Why don't we go get some ice cream or something," he said, trying to change the subject. "Do you want that?"
"I guess."
Thundertail spent the rest of the morning trying to apologize to me even after I told him I was okay. I did appreciate the effort though, and he did seem genuinely upset because of my being upset. Although my mood didn't improve much because of what Helping Hoof said. It’s not something that just goes away by ignoring it. That thought was frightening. I didn't want to start arguing with myself again, and I definitely didn't want that brutal itching to come back. It was almost more than I could stand before, and I didn't want to have to go through it again.
By the time noon came, we were back home, with Doctor Spark just making her way over as we entered.
"Good morning Leo, Thundertail," she called with a smile as she trotted up. "It looks like you two just made it back from someplace."
"We did actually," he told her casually. "Ice cream."
"I see…" she commented, trailing off, her smile dropping as she put her attention on me. "What about you, Leo? Are you feeling okay?"
"Yes. I'm okay."
"Actually," Thundertail interjected, "I have something to tell you before you two... uh…"
Doctor Spark had a questioning look on her face, and the stallion leaned into her hear, whispering something for several seconds. I knew it was about me being telling him that I didn't like what he said earlier just based on the look the mare gave me as he spoke to her.
"Okay…" she said slowly as Thundertail backed away from her.
"I didn't mean to though," he told her quickly.
"I understand. Why don't we go inside so I can talk with him?"
We went in, and I got off of Thundertail to take my place in the living room, laying down on the same spot of floor I always seemed to be in. "You know," she told me, "we don't have to be on the ground. We can sit on the couch or at the table if you'd like. Or even go someplace else entirely, like the park if you want."
"I'm fine," I told her simply.
"Okay," she started, laying down in front of me, "how are you feeling, Leo?"
"I'm okay," I told her, a response I seemed to be using a lot.
"Are you?” she asked, tilting her head slightly. I nodded, and she continued. “Thundertail told me you were upset earlier. Can you tell me what happened?”
This felt exactly what rehab was probably like, which I guessed was a good thing. But instead of telling her how I felt, I asked an important question. “What if my itching comes back?”
“Why would it come back?”
“Because I was dumb.”
“Please don’t say that about yourself, Leo,” she instructed. “You’re not dumb. And I don’t think you’ll be itchy again, or at least not as bad as you were before.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
“Well,” she started, “do you know what stress is?” I nodded again, and she told me, “I think that’s why you were itchy.”
“Are you sure?” I asked, slightly nervous.
She gave me a small smile, saying, “I’m sure.” I was about to reach one of my hooves up to start scratching when she put one of her hooves on top of mine, continuing, "And if it did come back, I'd be there to help you."
“What if I wanted to… take medicine again?”
“I’d be there to help you then, too.”
I was almost tempted to say she wasn't that helpful before, but changed my mind. She hardly ever asked if I wanted anything for my itching, unlike the other doctors, since she knew I would just say no. And the one time I asked, she was able to take my mind off of needing it. I decided that, if she weren't there, I'd probably still be suffering.
Then the smile dropped off of her face, and she continued, “Speaking of before, do you want to talk about what happened before you were in the hospital?”
She asked that question of me before, and I declined every time before. I was in the mood to decline again, but changed my mind, deciding to try and work with her. "Where do I start?" I asked.
"Wherever you want to."
I made a mental note to make sure what I said made sense from her perspective, then frowned and took a breath. "Um, when I first left where I lived," I started uncomfortably, "I was happy. But then I started to get scared."
"Why were you scared?" she asked, rubbing my hoof slightly.
"I don't know. I didn't want to be, and tried not to be, but I was."
"Is that why you bit yourself? Because you were scared?"
I flinched a tiny bit at that question, embarrassed. I felt better pretending a timberwolf did it to me. "I wanted to be dreaming, and thought I could wake myself up."
"It's okay to be scared. But you shouldn't hurt yourself, okay?"
I looked away from her, embarrassed, saying, "I know."
"Can you tell me why you were leaving?" she asked softly.
I hated when she asked that question, or questions like that, regarding this body’s past. The previous times, I felt some of this pony body’s memories come to me, and this time was no different. I hated it, and shook my head at her.
“I know you said you don’t want to remember,” she told me, “but I think you’d feel a little better if you talked to somepony. No pony will be mad at you, and you won’t get in trouble.”
Another memory saw its way to me. I was absolutely hating Blue Mist, and couldn’t bear to keep being pressed by Doctor Spark about what happened. I didn’t want to know what happened, but I felt like I was being forced into knowing. I huffed, tears starting to form for the second time that day, and asked, “Why do you keep asking me what happened?”
She wore a pained expression as she took a breath. “I’m sorry. I know it’s hard,” she told me, making sure to stare right into my eyes, “but we need to know what happened so we can make sure your mom can’t hurt anypony again.”
I sniffed, and shook my head at her again. I knew I was probably making her frustrated. During my time in the hospital in Baltimare and the previous two sessions with her, she’d tried in multiple different ways to get me to talk, but I consistently declined, and wanted to do so now. However, this time she brought out a trick I knew she used on me before. She stared into my eyes, the sad look still on her face, and rubbed my hoof. I don't know what it was about what she was doing, but it got me to open up before, and I could feel it working now.
“I’m sorry Leo,” she whispered to me. “I know you’re hurting, but I really do think you’ll feel better if you told me what happened.”
Ivory Spark felt awful using the tactic she did. She didn't want to have to manipulate him into telling her what happened. But she needed to know, and had to get him to open up. There would be a trial against Blue Mist in a few weeks, and she would much rather speak in his place than have him speak. And the only way for her to do that was to know what happened.
She kept a mental record of the things he said to write down later, and tried to keep her questions to a minimum. She hated what she heard, but listened sympathetically anyway. While she listened, she also kept track of his reaction. While he was upset and shivering slightly at the memory, the way he spoke made it seem like he thought it was just something to add on top of everything else in his life. She hoped he didn't think that.
"I'm so sorry that happened, Leo," she whispered to the colt after he finished. She let a moment of silence hang in the air for a little while, before he broke it by simply telling her that he was fine.
"No, Leo, it's not fine," she told him. "Nopony should ever do those things to you. I know you think it's your fault, but it's not."
"It's my fault I'm here right now," he told her.
She hated that he thought that, but questioned him about it. "Can you tell me why you think that?"
Right then, he wanted to be honest and say he used to be a human. He wanted to say that he felt like he deserved it for screwing up before, but decided that she wouldn't believe him, and would just chalk it up to wanting to disassociate himself from what Blue Mist had done. So instead, he opted to say, "Because I'm just so stupid."
Ivory Spark winced. She felt like blaming himself, while representing confidence issues, might have also served as a sort of coping mechanism for him. His thought process might have been, “It isn’t that bad because it was my fault it happened.”
“Please don’t say that,” she told him. “You’re not stupid, and it’s not your fault for what happened. I know it hurts, but it’s going to get better, okay?”
Leo looked away from her. “I guess, but very slowly.”
The mare started at the colt sadly, taking in what he said. There was no way to argue with him on that. So instead, to make him feel better, she tried something different. "Is it okay if I gave you a hug, Leo?” she suddenly asked him.
The colt looked back up to the doctor, seemingly confused by the question, but still quietly answered, “Yes, please.”
She quickly picked up the colt in a hug, and he closed his eyes, resting his head against her chest. “It’s going to be alright,” she whispered. “It’s going to get better. I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but it will.”
“Do you feel a little better?” Doctor Spark asked after being silent for several minutes, releasing me from her grasp.
“A little,” I sniffed, laying back down. Even though I hated the fact that I now had full knowledge of just exactly what Blue Mist did, I did have to admit that telling her made me feel a tiny bit better. But not much.
She was silent for a few more seconds as she stared at me, before breaking it with a question. “Do you like your dad, Leo?” she suddenly asked me.
“Um, I don’t know. I guess,” I answered, caught off guard by the question. “Why?”
“Well, I was wondering if it was okay if he visited you sometimes. I’d be there when he saw you if he did. But that would only be if you wanted to see him.”
I honestly didn’t feel up to seeing him. Not because I didn’t like him, but because I knew he would be sad. Not only that, but I didn’t even care to see my human parents. I didn’t really miss them, and I didn't think I'd care much to see this Leo's father either. But I did feel a little bad for Lucky Day. Other than his obliviousness, he didn’t really do anything wrong.
“Sure,” I told her simply.
“It’s okay if you don’t want to,” she told me. “You don’t have to see him if you don’t want to.”
I felt like we’d had this conversation before, back at the hospital, and I, or at least, this body, reacted negatively. But to be fair, Blue Mist was also there before.
“I’m fine. I’ll see him.”
“Is tomorrow okay?” she asked. “Or do you want to wait for a different day?”
“Tomorrow is okay.”
“Okay, I’ll tell him, and he and I will be here tomorrow,” she said as she stood up. “Was there anything you wanted to talk about before I leave for the day?”
For some reason, the way she asked me that made me hesitate for a moment. I once again wanted to tell her that I was human, and tell her exactly why this whole situation was my fault. But I instead chose to stay silent and shake my head, expecting her to leave with that.
Of course, however, she saw my hesitation, and opted to lay back down in front of me. “What is it, Leo?” she asked softly.
I shook my head again. “It’s nothing,” I sighed.
“You can tell me whatever you want,” she encouraged. "I'm here to listen."
I sighed again, giving in, deciding that, at this point, it didn't matter all that much. Whether I told her I was a human before or not, she wasn't going to believe me, which I guessed was a good thing. But I still wanted to tell her. At least in a way where I would know what I meant and it would make sense to her. I quickly tried to think of some way to say what I wanted without her thinking I was crazy.
"Well…" I started, "sometimes… I like to pretend I'm not me." Which was my way of introducing the idea of ‘I’m not actually a pony’.
“You like to pretend you aren’t you?” she asked politely, tilting her head. “Who do you pretend to be?”
A third time I sighed, looking at the ground saying, “I… pretend that I had a good family who cared about me.”
I glanced up, expecting her to put on a smile, seeing instead her stay expressionless, politely waiting for me to continue. “And then?”
I stared at the ground again. “And then I screwed it all up, and now I’m this colt cause I was dumb and stupid.”
It was sort of true. If I cared about myself more and wasn’t stupid, I wouldn’t have been in a position to be here. Not that I didn’t like being here. I absolutely loved it. But this whole situation was stifling that feeling.
“Did anypony ever tell you that it was your fault for what happened?” she asked.
“No. It just is, cause I was dumb.”
Before I knew it, I was being wrapped up again. Although, instead of telling me that it was going to be okay, she said something different.
“I don’t want to hear you say that anymore, alright?” she told me, keeping her arms around me. “You’re not dumb, you’re not stupid, and it’s not your fault for what happened.”
“I feel that way,” I told her, closing my eyes. “And I can’t help it, cause it is.”
“Why do you feel that way?”
“I just do. I want to be happy, but it’s hard to do when I have to constantly think about… everything! ”
I felt the frustration I had at the hospital returning, tears starting to form once again. I knew I was just feeling sorry for myself right then, but I couldn't help but start to get worked up, crying for the first time since… I didn't know. I’d been crying a lot lately, so much that it was kind of starting to blend together for me.
She rubbed my back as she let me cry for a few minutes, placing my head near hers. It was comforting, although I hated admitting to myself that it was nice to be comforted by her. It wasn't an overwhelming feeling of comfort like it would have been with Herbal Essence, but it did chip away at some of my self-loathing.
Once I started to calm down again, she asked, “Do you know what I’m going to tell you?”
“You’re going to say it’s going to get better,” I responded, breathing deeply, stoping my tears and wiping my eyes.
“You're right,” she confirmed. “And it will. I promise. I know it seems like it’s going slow now, but a little bit today and a little bit tomorrow eventually adds up. And soon, you’ll feel a lot better.”
“I guess that’s true,” I answered thoughtfully, thinking, “And I’m pretty sure they say that kind of thing in rehab.”
She then set me back down and looked me in the eyes. “I want you to promise me you won’t say those things anymore, okay?” she whispered. “You’re not dumb, and I don’t want to hear you say that anymore. Neither does Herbal Essence.”
I automatically flinched at the thought of her listening to me say those things about myself. "I'm sorry," I told her simply.
"You don't need to be sorry, okay? I just don't want you to say those things because they're not true. I know you don't believe me right now, but I promise you're not dumb, and it's not your fault."
"Okay."
"Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?" I shook my head, and she stood up again. "I'll be back tomorrow, and then on Wednesday, we can practice your magic some more. How does that sound?"
"It sounds good," I answered. It sounded much better than today was, but at least we were largely past all of this now. "I do feel a little better," I admitted.
She gave me a small smile. "That's good to hear. I just need to talk to Thundertail, and then I'll see you later, okay?"
Ivory Spark mentally kicked herself. She should have asked him more about what he pretended about. She could've gotten a better handle on why he felt the way he did. It was clear his saying he pretended was his attempt to express that he felt like he did something wrong. The most likely explanation was that he was convinced by his mother that he deserved what she had done. There were a couple of other possible reasons for him feeling the way he did, but this was by far the most likely.
She wished she had gotten more to go off of, but decided it was fine. What he told her was more than enough information to work with to help him, and she didn't want to keep on pressing him. She could work with what he told her, and when he was ready he'd tell her more.
She stepped into the room Thundertail was in, and saw that he'd been watching the conversation the two had, although was likely unable to hear what was said.
"He's not mad at me is he?" the stallion asked quickly, slightly nervous.
"No," she started, "but I am confused as to why you thought it would be a good idea to bring him with you to counseling."
"Well, Saturday is Herbal's busiest day at the shop, so I thought it'd be better if I brought him with me," he answered, as though it was perfect reasoning.
She closed her eyes, restraining herself from raising her voice at him. "That would have been nice to know before," she said, making a mental note to speak to Helping Hoof. "Next week, I'll be here early so that doesn't happen again."
"Can I ask why you're making me go to individual counseling?"
"Because I think it'll be better for you than a group meeting," Ivory Spark answered dismissively. "Listen, Leo's going to be seeing Lucky Day tomorrow. I'm telling you this because he might be over here with me for a few minutes to pick him up." She watched him stare at her, processing what she was saying, seeming confused. "And I don't want you to say anything to him while he's here," she finished, speaking slowly, as though she were talking to a foal younger than Leo.
"You don't think-"
"Yes," she interrupted, a bit of a tone in her voice. "He told me that he's still angry at you."
"And that's why you're making me go to counseling," he muttered.
"No, I'm making you go because I think you're impulsive, you have a record, and it's my job . And muttering things to yourself just reinforces the perception that I already have."
"And how am I supposed to be able to change what you think of me?"
"By visiting Helping Hoof without complaining," she told him, "and watching what you say, especially around Leo." She got a look from him at that, a slightly embarrassed one, and took a deep breath, letting her annoyance leave with the exhale. "Look," she started again, a bit more nicely, "most ponies with public intoxication on their record wouldn't have even been in consideration to be a foster parent. I know you're young, but I think you have it in you to be somepony Leo can look up to. You just need to… work a little bit harder at it. That's why I'm letting him stay with you two to begin with. Because I have faith that you'll be a good father for him."
As I waited for Doctor Spark and Lucky Day to appear, I thought about the last time I saw my human parents.
It was almost three years ago, the day they kicked me out. Or, actually, the day I chose to leave. I walked into the house late that afternoon to see the two of them standing in the living room, waiting for me. I remembered seeing the looks on their faces, my mother, in particular, seeming like she wanted to cry, and immediately thought of the word intervention .
“James,” my mother told me with a shaky voice as I entered, knowing that I didn’t like that name, “your father and I need you to sit down.”
“I’m not really sure I want to,” I responded cheekily, giving them a fake smile. “I think I’m just going to leave.”
“No you don’t!” my father called before I could turn around. “If you leave right now, you’re not coming back here.”
“Am I gonna have to go to rehab to stay here?” I asked them, raising an eyebrow.
"Yes."
"Then I think I'm just going to leave."
“Why are you so insistent on this?” he asked me. “Why are you insistent on being this way? You have so much to offer! Why are you so focused on throwing away your life?”
“Cause it's fun, and I don’t care,” I answered as I began to turn around again.
“James, stop!” my mother stopped me. “Don’t walk out that door!”
“You know, calling me that name doesn’t make me want to stay here any more than I already do,” I said as I put my hand on the door.
"Can we just talk?" she begged "Please?"
I debated that question internally for a second, then turned back to face them. "I'm listening," I told them.
"We're not asking you to do that much, Leo," my father told me. "We're buying you food, clothes, paying your bills…"
"We're not making you get a job or go back to school," my mother continued. "Just… it's for three weeks! It's just three weeks! After that, no more!"
"I really don't want to do that though," I said to them, continuing to smile.
"Then we can do something outpatient!" my father offered. "Like a group meeting, or something individual if you want! Anything! It's just that something has to happen!"
"Why?"
"Because you're spiraling, Leo!" he said, exasperated. "You're life is spiraling! At this rate, you'll be dead by the time you're thirty! What don't you understand about that?"
"I understand perfectly," I said almost gleefully, relishing in their anguish. "I just don't care." With that, I turned around once again and opened the door to head back out.
"Don't you go out that door!" my father demanded. "If you leave now, you're not coming back!"
"Bye!" I called, waving behind me as I left, hearing him curse loudly and my mother start to cry. I walked back down the street, loudly singing a song I knew they hated.
The way I treated them was awful, to say the least. Sometimes I liked to blame them for the way I was, but I knew that they did everything they could possibly do for me. And still, I screwed them over by making them watch as I screwed myself. But at least now they had a different son named Leo who likely wouldn't act the same way. They wouldn't have to deal with me being a stupid disappointment.
"How are you feeling?" Herbal Essence asked me as I put those thoughts out of my head. I was next to her in the living room while Thundertail was off somewhere else, apparently working on her shop's finances.
"I'm fine," I said, giving my usual response as I looked toward the door, adding, "I'm doing good."
"Are you nervous at all?" she asked, sounding a little worried.
I shook my head, answering, "Not really." It was the truth. I was strangely calm about seeing Lucky Day, although I was thinking that was because his other half wouldn't be there.
“If you’re scared, you can tell us. You don’t have to be brave all the time. It’s okay to be scared.”
“I know,” I asserted. “I’m not scared.” I truly wasn’t, and if I was, she’d probably be the first pony I told.
“Okay,” she said quietly, putting one of her hooves on top of mine.
It wasn't much longer before the two of them heard Ivory Spark knock on the door and saw her poke her head through.
"Hey, Leo," she called. “Hello, Herbal Essence. Is it okay if we come in for a little while?”
“Of course,” she said politely, getting up to open the door the whole way.
Ivory Spark quickly made her way in, the orange stallion behind her simply standing in the doorway uncomfortably. The colt wasn’t fearful like he was when he first saw his father coming up to him with his mother, but he was still uncomfortable, and glanced between him and the floor as the stallion stood silently doing the same thing.
“Um, hi,” Leo told them, feeling awkward and a little embarrassed. He was mostly directing this at Lucky Day, and looked at him as he said it. The stallion returned his greeting with a small smile of his own.
“How are you doing, Leo?” Ivory Spark continued. “Did you want to stay here, or go someplace else?”
“I don’t care,” he said. “Anywhere is okay.”
“Okay. I think I have someplace in mind. Did you want Herbal Essence to come with us?”
“Yes, please.”
Lucky Day’s smile dropped after hearing that. He didn’t like the idea that his son wasn’t okay with being alone around him, that he might have been afraid of him. Although, he was grateful that Ivory Spark hadn’t mentioned bringing Thundertail. He absolutely didn’t want him to go with them, especially not after his accusations.
The four of them left shortly afterward. It was a cloudier day, and cooler as well, although ponies were still out and about. There were quite a few of them Leo noticed, and many foals like him, playing and doing whatever they did every day. It was still weird for him to think that he was as young as these ponies, even weirder to think that he was older than them. It was almost conflicting, especially after yesterday, trying to keep his past and this life’s past sorted in his head, but not too bad. It helped that he was young, and didn't have more than a couple of years' worth of memories. Being older would have made things that much more difficult.
Leo walked with his father and Ivory Spark directly on either side of him, Herbal Essence next to the doctor. They were largely silent as they walked, but as they did, he noticed Lucky Day glancing at him, occasionally flashing a smile, but still looking sad, seeming like he wanted to say something to him. It wasn’t long before the foursome made it to someplace to eat.
“Do you remember this place?” Lucky Day asked his son as the group sat down.
“Not really…”
“We came here a few times before, and I remember you liking it. But that was when you were younger, when we went with... um…” He trailed off, realizing who he was about to bring up, noticing the colt was getting uncomfortable. "So Leo," he started again, trying to make small talk, "how have you been?"
The colt looked up at him, and saw him smiling, but could tell he was nervous and uneasy. Leo knew it couldn’t have been more than a few weeks since the other Leo first ran away, but he thought his father acted like it had been months. He was probably worried sick about him during the first few days he was in Equestria. It made the colt more uncomfortable, but he still responded. "I’m okay," he answered simply. “I’m good.”
The stallion didn’t believe that. He heard what his wife had been charged with and what Ivory Spark had told him, and connected some of the dots on his own. He knew he wasn’t really okay, and hated that he had to put on a brave face.
“I’m okay,” Leo said again, as though reading his thoughts. “I promise.”
He hated hearing that, and felt incredibly guilty about what happened to him. He felt responsible for what his wife did. It might have been indirect, but his being oblivious was what caused this. If he would’ve been more attentive , he would have easily realized what was happening. But he wasn’t, and now…
“Do you, um- do you like you’re…" The stallion winced, and asked again, "Do you like your new home?”
Leo noticed that the words he said came out painfully. He was still smiling, but the colt knew it was very forced, and felt a tad guilty himself for what the stallion was going through. He was effectively blameless, and yet had to pay the price for what somepony else did.
“Um, yeah,” he answered honestly, silently thinking, “It’s much better than living on the street.”
Lucky Day swallowed hearing that, and continued. “Are they treating you well?”
It was weird for Leo to go through this. He felt as though he had a genuine connection to the stallion in front of him and knew him all his life, and at the same time, felt like he was somepony he barely knew and was, for all intents and purposes, a stranger who he was just meeting and interacting with today.
“They’re good,” he told the orange stallion. “I like them.”
“That’s… that’s good to hear.”
The colt also felt like it was his father’s first time interacting with him as well. He was clearly hesitant, and seemed almost ashamed of himself. Leo didn’t know the stallion that well, but was fairly certain that he didn’t normally act like this. Actually, just thinking back to the time when he heard him yelling at Thundertail, he was confident that he didn’t normally act like this.
With that, there was a period of uncomfortable silence as the three adults had their attention on Leo, two of them also keeping their eye on the third as he continued to glance between the ground and his son. If there was one thing the two had to admit, it was that Lucky Day was his father. Ivory Spark hadn’t done an actual paternity test, but she hadn't needed to. Besides his coat color, he was nearly an exact copy of his father. Even as young as he was, he had the same kind of voice as him. Although, she couldn't tell right now with how little speaking there was thus far, and how quiet Leo was.
"Why don't we go up and order something now, Leo, hmm?" Ivory Spark offered. Leo looked at her skeptically as she stood up. "Come on," she said again. "It's just going to be a couple of minutes."
He reluctantly got up and went with her, leaving Lucky Day and Herbal Essence sitting at the table alone. The two sat at the table uneasily, Herbal Essence putting on a smile but staying silent, and Lucky Day wearing a weird expression. Although the stallion barely knew the mare, sitting there, he almost felt as though they’d divorced and were meeting again for the first time. He almost wished Thundertail were there. Almost.
“So…” the stallion started after an awfully long period of silence, “how has Leo been?”
“He’s been good," Herbal Essence answered, seeming embarrassed. "He's been good," she said again, "and he seems happy."
"What's he been doing?"
"Well, he went out for ice cream yesterday. Ah, he's going to school, and said he enjoys it. He did really well on his entrance test with his teacher, and she said he's really smart. Um... he’s also working on learning magic.”
Lucky Day hated hearing those things as much as he liked to hear them, and his expression changed for a second to one of pain. He should've forced Blue Mist to put Leo into public school in the first place instead of being "homeschooled". He should've hired a private tutor to help him with using magic. But instead, he left those things up to his wife. He couldn’t believe how clueless he was, and hated himself for it. Sure, he worked long hours, and his schedule was erratic, but he wouldn’t convince himself that that was an excuse.
He quickly tried to put a smile back on after she said this, but the mare had already caught his expression. She knew he was thinking about what he was told had happened, and her own smile immediately dropped. She felt awful for him and how he was likely feeling. He was likely blaming himself for what happened, for what Leo went through. And then she couldn’t bear to think about what the colt himself went through.
“I’m so sorry,” Herbal Essence sniffed, her eyes starting to get wet. "I just... I'm sorry."
“Are you okay?” Doctor Spark asked as we walked up to the counter to order something.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I told her simply.
“Are you sure? You know you can tell me if you’re not okay.”
I stopped walking and looked at her, confused. “Yes…” I told her slowly. “Why?”
“Well, it’s just that you looked upset, Leo. And it’s okay if you are, and can talk to me about it if you want. We can also leave if you don’t want to be here.”
I didn’t feel upset, so I was surprised to learn that I looked it. I turned around to see Herbal Essence and Lucky Day still sitting there, both of them looking at me sadly, the former seeming like she was about to cry. Because of me.
“Leo…” she started as I frowned, reading my mind. “It’s not your fault they’re sad.”
I closed my eyes and took a breath, keeping myself from getting upset and making them feel worse. A second later, I reopened them, and said, “I’m fine. I promise.”
“So son,” Lucky Day started again as the colt and the doctor sat back down, he and Ivory Spark bringing desserts with them, “Miss Essence told me that you’re getting better at magic.”
“I am,” he said automatically, trying to ease the tension he knew he built. “Doctor Spark is helping. But I’m still not good.”
“You’re getting better though,” he told him, “and that’s what counts. And if you keep practicing, you’ll be as good as… Princess Twilight Sparkle.” He was going to finish the sentence with ‘your mother’, but caught himself before he did.
“No I won’t. I’m really bad.”
“With that attitude, you won’t,” his father said, putting on a genuine smile. “You just have to keep at it. I know you can do it if you keep practicing.”
Leo couldn’t help but smile at that. Although, it was quickly dropped when he realized that it sounded like he said that to him before, probably when the other Leo was living with him and Blue Mist. His father saw this, and before his son could say anything, he started speaking.
“I’m sorry Leo,” he told him, his voice cracking a little. “I want you to know how sorry I am. I- I feel so bad about what happened.” He swallowed, and continued, “I wish I would have noticed what she was doing, and… I’m sorry I didn’t. And I- I hope you can forgive me for not noticing.”
“It’s okay,” Leo answered quietly. “I forgive you.” However, as his father reached out, he quickly said, “Please don’t hug me.”
Lucky Day winced, a painful expression on his face.
Progress Update From Doctor Spark
I had no idea why I said that, why I told him not to hug me. I wasn't afraid of him at all, and I wasn't angry at him. At least, I tried not to be. I knew it would be unfair to be angry. It wasn't like he did anything wrong or knew what was going on, and it didn't actually happen to me . But I couldn't help but feel a tiny bit bitter. If he would have just paid a little more attention, I might not have felt the way I did right then.
I watched him awkwardly pull back from the hug he tried to give, embarrassed. "I'm sorry," he told me again painfully. "Uh, how about we start eating now?"
Despite the desserts, there wasn't that much eating done as we sat in relative silence. The three adults tried to make small talk with me a couple of more times, and I really did try to converse back with them. But I had a tough time answering their questions with more than simple answers, and they quickly gave up given how uncomfortable I'd just made things.
After a little while of us sitting in silence, Lucky Day stood and spoke up again. "It was… nice to see you again Leo," he smiled uneasily. "I, uh, I… I'll see you later, okay?" I hated knowing how I was making him feel, and decided to return his smile with a small one of my own.
"Okay," I told him simply.
"I, uh, I love you son."
Somehow, I didn't cringe or flinch at what he said, and returned to him what he said. "I love you, too," I told him.
I watched him noticeably relax and brighten up as he waved goodbye, heading off to… somewhere. I watched him leave, waiting until he was out of sight to drop my smile and put my head on the table, closing my eyes.
The two remaining adults didn't say anything immediately, deciding instead to stay quiet as one of them put a hoof on my shoulder and started to rub it. I didn’t cry, but I was feeling bad about myself. It seemed like all I did was make people feel sad when they saw me, and I knew it was just confirming what I already knew.
After a minute or so, Doctor Spark spoke up.”Do you want to tell us what’s wrong, Leo?” she asked.
“I should’ve given him a hug,” I explained to her, my voice coming out muffled. “And now he feels bad because I didn’t. All I do is mess things up.”
She waited a second before speaking again, as if deciding how to approach me. “Can you open your eyes, Leo?” she asked. “I want you to try something for me.” I obliged her request and looked up at her, but kept my head on the table. “I want you to repeat after me, okay?”
“Okay…”
“I am not a bad pony.”
That was slightly unexpected and completely untrue. If I wasn't a bad person, I wouldn't have been here, and I tried to protest against her. “But I-”
“No ‘buts’. I want you to say if\i for me. Can you do that please?”
I didn't want to say that because I didn't believe her. I felt like an awful person, and knew that Lucky Day probably would've been happier if the other Leo was here right now. He probably would've given him a hug and wouldn't have been awkward.
"Can you say it please?" she asked again. "I think it'll help you feel better," she coaxed. I didn't know why, but I suddenly felt embarrassed, and looked down at the table. I truly didn't believe her, and didn't want to say it. "Say it for me please?" she pressed, asking a third time.
After a few more seconds, I relented and finally whispered, “I’m not a bad pony”, feeling myself blush under my coat.
“It’s not my fault that bad things happen,” she continued.
“But what if it is?” I asked, knowing it was.
“Leo…"
I glanced up at her to see both she and Herbal Essence staring at me, waiting for me to repeat what she said. “I really don’t want to do this,” I told her, quickly looking down at the table again.
“Can you try for me?”
Closed my eyes, swallowed, and quietly repeated, “It’s not my fault that bad things happen.”
I felt conflicted. I hated saying those words, and yet it did make me feel better to say it. I knew it was insane to think that it was my fault that Lucky Day felt bad, or my fault that I was in this situation, and yet I also felt that it was entirely my fault. I hated feeling like it was my fault, and I hated that I couldn’t help it, especially since I knew I shouldn’t feel like this.
Herbal Essence spoke up after that. “I want you to say something, too,” she told me. “I am not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
That one caught me by surprise. I looked up at her, asking, “I’m bullying myself?”
"Yes, Leo, you are," she said. "You do that whenever you say bad things about yourself. I don't want to see you bullying yourself anymore."
I shrank back a little bit at her sad look. She was another pony who was feeling bad because of me. "I'm sorry," I whispered to her.
"You don't need to be sorry," she said, putting a hoof on my check as Doctor Spark kept rubbing my shoulder. "I just don't want you to say those things anymore, okay?". I nodded, and she continued, "Now can you repeat what I said for me?"
“I’m not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
“That’s good,” Doctor Spark told me, “now let’s go through it again, okay?”
She made me repeat those same three sentences eight or nine times, apparently trying to instill it in me. Although, I had to admit that there was something to saying those things that made me feel better. I felt like I believed it more every time I said it. It was a very small amount of belief that I acquired, but still more than nothing.
“Now, Leo,” she started after I finished going through repeating her, “whenever you start to think that everything is your fault, I want you to say what we told you. Can you do that?”
“It is my fault,” I started to think to myself, then stopped. I knew that the two of them were right, and that I should take their advice. Regardless of how I felt, Herbal Essence was right when she said that I was bullying myself, and it probably wasn’t good for me. Even if what I thought was true, I needed to stop.
“I’m not a bad pony,” I said aloud. “It’s not my fault that bad things happen. I’m not stupid, and I won’t bully myself.”
“That’s good, Leo,” Doctor Spark told me. “It’s not your fault that bad things happen.” She went silent for a second, still rubbing my shoulder, then asked, “I know you seemed sad earlier while he was here, and it didn’t last as long as we were expecting, but did you want to see your dad again sometime?”
“Yeah,” I answered truthfully, without hesitation. “I think I do.”
“It’s not my fault that bad things happen,” I told myself silently.
Patient: Leo
Characteristics: Colt, five years old, parents Lucky Day and Blue Mist, guardians Thundertail and Herbal Essence
Report: Leo is a colt who has severe self-confidence issues, stemming from previous unsafe living conditions. He has admitted to being abused by his mother, and believes himself to be responsible for this. As well, he claims to have engaged in substance abuse, and indicates he understands what this means, but it's still unknown whether this behavior was intentional or if this was forced upon him.
On April 2nd, he was admitted to North Star Hospital with multiple injuries sustained while running away from his previous home. Initially, he was extremely distraught and stressed, and showed signs of emotional distress. He was reluctant to accept offers of help, and, in particular, showed an aggressive unwillingness to accept medication for pain. He asserted multiple times that he hated his situation and indicated that he hated himself.
He showed self-harming tendencies, and seemed to be conflicted internally, although both of these things seemed to have been related to stress. As well, he complained of persistent itching, which was also likely to be stress related and went away with time. He was also tense while he slept, and appeared to suffer from nightmares.
As time went on, he revealed himself to be, in general, apathetic and disinterested in most activities. While this is getting better with time, he still has to be coaxed into doing things outside of magic and receiving help when needed. His sense of self worth is still very low, likely as a result of trying to cope with his trauma, and he commonly thinks of himself as lesser to other ponies. As well, he’s worried about making other ponies upset or “hurting himself again”, in particular, with medicine. Although, with time, he has slowly left behind some of this behavior.
He has an above average intelligence for his age, and is extremely observant of what goes on around him. He also has an above average understanding of adult conversations, and can understand what’s discussed in front of him and what it might mean for him. He presents himself as older than he is mentally, perhaps in the eight to twelve-year-old range, but seems to be in his age group emotionally. He has struggled a bit to interact with colts and fillies his age, and has to be talked into doing so, but he has little trouble once he's engaging with them. His magic field and use is extremely weak due to lack of use, although it is getting stronger with time, albeit a bit slower than normal.
He’s formed an intense bond with his guardians, Herbal Essence and Thundertail, especially the former. As well, he seems to still hold his father close to him, and expresses that he’s upset over his feeling bad. He has met with him briefly, and while he did appear uncomfortable around him, he has expressed a willingness to see him again.
He’s admitted to not wanting to interact with other ponies, although his teacher, Cheery Leap, has described him as a leader, and said that he has the ability to easily make friends if he so chose. When he’s not interacting with other ponies, Leo can be described as “spaced out”. A lot of times, he appears disinterested in what’s going on around him, although still keenly aware of his surroundings. He can be described as bored and lethargic, and has admitted that there aren’t many things he enjoys doing. However, he does have an intense desire to improve his magical ability, and much of his free time is spent working out his magical field. As well, he enjoys learning about history and current events, and appears genuinely happy when discussing and learning about these topics.
In general, while Leo is still hurting after the effects of living in his previous home, he is healing, and appears to be much better now than when he was initially admitted. Despite his past, Leo has the potential to be a bright and happy colt.
-Dr. Ivory Spark
Leo didn't sleep much the night before. He was too excited. He’d been in Equestria for weeks now, and finally, he was going to see the place he wanted to see. Two places actually. While most of the trip would take place in Canterlot, they would stop in Ponyville briefly to meet up the class there and travel together. He’d get to see two of the most important cities in all of Equestria, and maybe even get to meet some of the ponies there, too.
He was already awake when Herbal Essence and Thundetail came to get him out of bed, and smiled brightly at the couple when he saw them. “I am so excited!” he called to her before she could greet him.
“Are you?” Thundetail asked as the two smiled back at him. “I couldn’t tell.”
“It’s going to be amazing!” he told them. “We’re going to see the princess, and the castle, and Rarity’s boutique, and-”
“I’m sure it’s going to be fantastic,” Herbal Essence interrupted with a chuckle. “But we have to leave now. Mrs. Leap wants you there early.”
“I’m ready to leave!” he said excitedly as he was taken out of bed.
He was absolutely ready. While he might not have watched the show for years like Mandy had, he was just as excited as she would have been to see Canterlot, maybe more so. As bad as he felt over the last few weeks, he was happy, ecstatic even, that he would finally see what he had been wanting to see since he first came to Equestria.
“Well, why don’t we get going then?” Thundertail suggested.
With that, the three set off on the familiar journey to the schoolhouse. It was still dark outside, with the first light of dawn just starting to break in. While Leo hadn’t gotten much sleep, he was still wide awake as they got to Cheery Leap’s classroom. Normally, he was the first pony there, or one of the first at least, but as he made his way in, there were already several students waiting in the room with the teacher. The colt wasn’t surprised, though. Everypony was excited to go to Canterlot. Of course, though, they weren’t anywhere near as excited as he was.
“Good morning, Leo” Cheery Leap greeted with a smile. “Are you excited about today?”
He couldn’t stop grinning, and hadn’t let down his smile since he woke up. “Absolutely! It’s going to be the best day ever!” He quickly took a seat at his desk, asking, "When are we going to leave?"
"In a little while," she explained. "We just need to wait for the rest of your classmates to show up, okay?"
“Okay!” he said excitedly, suppressing his urge to jump around. While there were many times recently that he felt like a child, for the first time, he felt like a kid again. He was excited, as excited as he was when he first found himself a pony. It was the first genuine excitement he’d had in quite a long time, and couldn’t remember when in his old life he’d felt that way. As well, although he was still having a little bit of trouble connecting with his classmates, he did realize he had more to care about than just visiting Canterlot, Herbal Essence, Thundertail, and, to an extent, Ivory Spark, coming to mind. He couldn’t help but feel happy to look forward to telling them about his visit.
He was glad, so glad, that his wish was granted. While it was difficult at first, he felt better about his situation with each passing day. His itching had long since passed, as well as that old voice that told him to do what was wrong for him. And while he still felt as though it was his fault he felt the way he did about this body's mother, and about how he had ruined his life, he was very slowly working on building up his self confidence, as well as stopping himself from bullying himself.
“Have fun, Leo!” Herbal Essence called as she and Thundertail left the schoolhouse. “We’ll come to pick you up when you get back, okay?”
He didn’t speak, but he did give them a wide smile and waved a hoof goodbye at them. They returned his gesture, smiling, almost beaming, as they exited, happy to see him happy. Leo sat waiting for a few minutes for the rest of his classmates to make their way to the school. Once they did, Cheery Leap got their attention.
“Now class,” she started once they’d all taken their seats, stopping their chattering, “as you all know, today we’re visiting Canterlot. What’s going to happen is we’ll take a train to Ponyville and meet up with the class from there. Then we’ll travel to Canterlot with them as one big group. We should get there around ten, and we’ll leave from there around four so we can be back here by eight for your parents to pick you up. Does anypony have any questions?”
Leo immediately shot his hoof in the air, asking, “Are we going to see the princess?”
“Maybe,” Cheery Leap answered with a smile. “If we’re lucky. Anypony else?” Nopony else raised their hoof, so she asked, “Is everypony ready to go?”
The train ride to Ponyville was longer than Leo expected, and with every minute, his anticipation built. During the ride, Cheery Leap explained that they would walk to the schoolhouse to meet the other class, although she hadn’t mentioned who the teacher of the class was. The colt briefly wondered who it could be, and tried to think back to see if he could remember if they mentioned it in the finale, but, coming up empty, decided to be patient. Excited to the point where he wanted to yell and run and jump around, but patient. He’d find out in a little while, and settled himself with staring out the window, taking in the rest of Equestria.
It was around a couple of hours later when the colt started to see Ponyville in the distance. It felt like deja vu as it came into view, almost surreal. It was like stepping straight into the tv show. He knew where he was, but seeing Ponyville reconfirmed for him that he was in Equestria. It was a reminder that he had a new opportunity to take advantage of, and that, as bad as he felt about himself, he was getting better, slowly but surely.
The train slowly came to a halt in the station, and Cheery Leap’s class stepped out in an orderly fashion, taking a second to stand quietly and view their surroundings while they waited for their teacher to give them direction. Leo shivered with a big smile on his face, almost unable to believe where he was. This was Ponyville. He was in Ponyville. He’d just stepped off the train onto the platform he watched the heroes of Equestria stand on many times before. It was unbelievable, and he enjoyed every second of it.
It was a direct trip from Baltimare to Ponyville, so this was the first time he was seeing ponies from outside the city. He stood with the rest of his classmates, staring wide eyed as other ponies started to board the train, trying to see if he recognized any of the ponies nearby. However, it was just a few seconds before Cheery Leap interrupted him.
“Okay class,” she started, “I want us to stay together. Like I explained earlier, we’ll head over to the schoolhouse here in Ponyville to meet up with the other class, then head back here to the train station to go to Canterlot. We might even get to do some exploring along the way.”
“That won’t be necessary,” a smiling voice that Leo was familiar with said from behind his teacher. He quickly looked to see who it was, and got the shock of his life. Although Cheery Leap explained that it had been fifteen years since Princess Twilight’s coronation as ruler of Equestria, he was shocked to see Cheerilee standing leading a group of foals no older than the class he was in. He was expecting her to be retired, or at least older looking with gray hair, but she looked virtually unchanged now that she was when she was in the show. She was clearly a lot younger in the show than he had expected.
Although time’s passage was clearly evident to her left, being shown through Pipsqueak, who was standing next to her. Although Leo was quickly able to tell that he was no longer a pipsqueak. He was about as tall as Cheerlilee, a fully grown stallion now, and looking around at the class about him to make sure they were staying put. He looked like Cheerilee’s teacher helper, and Leo figured he was apprenticing under her. He wasn’t expecting it, but decided it made sense enough. He remembered in one episode the stallion, when he was a foal, running for and winning an election for class president. He could see him apprenticing under Cheerilee and being her teacher helper. Actually, he was seeing it.
“We didn’t want to rush your class's getting to us, so we decided to meet your class here instead,” Cheerilee explained to Cheery Leap.
Leo’s teacher gave her a questioning look. “Rush?” she asked. “The train for Canterlot doesn’t leave for another hour.”
“Your message said it leaves at eight-thirty.”
“I’m sorry. I must have written the number down wrong,” Cheery Leap apologized. “It leaves at nine-thirty. I was actually planning on taking my class on a quick little tour of Ponyville in the meantime.”
Leo’s eyes went wide at that. “Really?” he asked in disbelief. “We’re going to tour Ponyville?”
“Sure,” his teacher answered with a kind smile. “As long as it’s okay with Miss Cheerilee.” The colt turned her way, and saw her give a wide smile as well, indicating her answer. He couldn’t believe his luck.
Leo remembered the first time he saw Ponyville. Per Mandy’s request, he watched the first episode sober, and didn’t really know what he was expecting, but was glad that he listened to her. He didn’t know what it was about what he was seeing, but he instantly fell in love with it. He watched the entire first season in a day, and then the next day watched the entirety of seasons two and three. He knew there was something pulling him in as he watched and he didn’t know what it was. Regardless, the more he watched, the more he loved what he saw, and before he knew it, he could safely say that it was the greatest show he'd ever seen. There were times when he watched the show when he wished he could step right in and see Ponyville with his own eyes.
And now, he was standing in it. He was silent as he walked with his class, in complete disbelief that he was in Ponyville. He couldn’t believe he was here, that he was in Equestria at all . Walking through Ponyville and seeing some of the ponies he knew in it once again made it hard to grasp that he was truly here . That a genie gave him a wish and sent him to Equestria. It seemed impossible. And yet, there he was, walking through Ponyville.
He and the two classes visited many sights that he knew. The Carousel Boutique, Sugarcube Corner, the town hall, Twilight Sparkle’s former castle, and they even managed to spot the School of Friendship. As well, he saw many ponies he knew, some of whom, like Cheerliee, seemed like they hadn’t aged a day, like Lyra and Bon Bon, others of whom looked much older, like Mayor Mare and Diamond Tiara. The colt wished he could have gone inside these places and talked to some of them, but decided it would be okay, since there would be another day to do these things. Today, they were going to visit Canterlot.
After the brief tour, the group headed back on the train and took a short trip to the capital of Equestria. He stepped into the city the princess ruled from with the same sense of wonder and awe he had while touring Ponyville. Even though it looked nearly exactly as he expected, with many pristine white building and fancily dressed unicorns trotting around, he thought it was still quite a sight to see, and tried to take in with his eyes every inch of the city he possibly could.
“Alright,” Cheery Leap turned and told the two classes of foals, “our first stop of the day is going to be the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
Leo smiled at that thought. Seeing the castle was one of the first things he wanted to do since he got to Equestria, and as the group headed over, it did not disappoint. The colt grinned happily as he viewed the picturesque structure in front of him. It towered over the whole city, the sun glistening off of its white walls and golden ceiling. It was quite the sight, the view giving a question to Leo, one that the rest of the group was wondering as well.
“Do we get to go inside?” the colt asked his teacher hopefully.
“It wouldn’t be much of a tour if we didn’t,” Cheery Leap answered with a smile.
The group of foals let out a small cheer and followed the adults into the building, where they got the surprise of their lives. Even Cheery Leap was caught off guard seeing the pony in front of her standing near the entryway just inside, with only Cheerilee and Pipsqueak being unsurprised by her appearance. She was tall, as tall as Celestia, and had hair that flowed like the former ruler's did. She also had armor similar to the armor Celestia used to wear, armor that she started wearing after her coronation. Her coat was purple, just like everything else about her. If there was one word to describe her, it would have been the color purple . She was the element of magic, the Princess of Friendship, the ruler of Equestria, and Leo’s absolute favorite character in the whole show. He once called her a “dumb, purple horsie”, but he hadn’t realized at the time just how wrong he’d been.
The alicorn was never one to pass up the opportunity to appear before visiting classes of foals, and smiled down on the group before her. As she did, Leo felt as though she were looking directly at him . He was in complete awe of her, and stared back with a mouth hanging open in disbelief, taking in Princess Twilight Sparkle, forgetting about everything else he’d been feeling and everything else he had been through for just a moment.
Author's Note
And... that's it! That's the end, if you could believe it.
...
Some of you who read this before may remember an additional 10 chapters after this, but those have since been deleted since I don't think they really fit the narrative of the story + I kind of bungled up writing them. Long story short, the ending was very abrupt and I didn't get to do all of what I wanted so the ending was very awkwardly placed with those extra 10 chapters. This is where the ending was originally meant to be anyway. So if you were looking for that, I'm quite sorry.
Author's Note
This story was inspired by the story Trust Once Lost , by Anon3mous1
What You Wish For
“Nothing is happening,” I said in an abnormally high pitched voice.
At that, I paused. I wasn't expecting anything to happen. I stopped and looked at myself, the sensation of the finger on my forehead leaving me. I saw that I was standing on four pony legs, each covered with a medium blue pony coat. I looked behind me to see a dark blue, almost black, pony tail. I couldn’t help but smile from pony ear to pony ear. “Okay,” my new pony voice said, “something happened.”
I looked around me and saw a green field filled with yellow flowers. It was bright and colorful, in a slightly cartoonish sort of way. Which would make sense, seeing as my wish was granted. The purplish-pink sky above me was just as colorful and I felt the first rays of the sunrise’s sunshine on my coat. It was amazing. I shook in excitement.
I knew where I was. I was in Equestria. I couldn’t stop smiling. He said I could have one wish, and I remember wishing for this, wishing to be here. I don’t know why I did, but that was my wish. And now, here I was. I was in Equestria. I felt more free than I’d ever been in my whole life. It was exhilarating.
I wanted to jump up and down, but resisted the urge, containing myself to shaking in excitement. I stood where I was for a moment, taking in the thought. I could leave the old me behind. The hopeless life I used to live was now no more. I could forget about it forever. A few seconds ago, that wouldn't have been a possibility, something I might not have even wanted , but right now it was a reality. I was here now in the kindest and most friendly land in the whole universe.
I stood there, staring out at the endless field in front of me, imagining what lay ahead of me. Not the life I used to live, that was for sure. I would never see that life again, and I never wanted to. I had a new future ahead of me, and it would not be anything like my past. I silently promised right then and there that I would make the most of my new opportunity.
However, as I stared ahead, watching what I knew was Celestia raising the sun, I realized there was a tiny problem. I had no idea where I was. All I saw ahead of me was an endless field. I turned around and saw the same thing. That was a problem. However, at that moment, I was nearly ecstatic that my biggest problem was that I was lost in a land that I’d never been to with no food or water.
However, it was a problem nonetheless. I knew I couldn’t just stay out here. That wasn’t productive. I needed to get somewhere. Ideally, I’d head for Canterlot or Ponyville and excitedly meet the princess and her friends. But seeing as I didn’t know what direction that might be in, I decided that I would settle for anywhere.
I knew I’d have to walk. It wasn’t as if they had cars and things in Equestria. But that was okay. I could manage. My mind was clear and my body was healthy for the first time in at least months. I had a new sense of positivity and hope for myself. If getting those things meant I had to walk a little, I would gladly accept it.
Walking was weird though. I felt like my stride was short in comparison to my surroundings, and that I was taking quicker, more shallow breaths than I was used to. I also had a very jittery feeling inside me, that I assumed was from my excitement. It didn’t feel unnatural, though, so I didn’t worry about it. I instead took time to appreciate the landscape around me, as well as my new pony body. It was different, but in a good way. It was certainly much better than the sickly body I used to own, the dull gray city I used to live in.
I had to rest after only what I judged to be an hour of walking. My previous sickly human body I knew wouldn't be able to take this at all, but I expected this new pony body to be able to endure. Then again, it did just pop into existence. I had all of one hour's exercise with it so far. So I laid down in the grass, tucking my legs under me into a comfortable position.
I lay there for a few minutes, watching a bee as it went from flower to flower picking up nectar. It was a calming sort of experience after my excitement of being in this body. I couldn't recall the last time I saw a bee. There weren't that many to see where I came from.
I took some time to examine myself a bit more. I was a stallion, but felt like my body was a bit smaller than normal. But that was okay. I knew these ponies weren't the judgemental type. My coat was thin, which was good because I didn't know how long I would be out here. And I had a horn, which meant that I was a unicorn. That made me smile wider than before. Although I didn't know how to use magic quite yet, I could learn. It would be better than working with my teeth like an earth pony all the time.
I spent the next few hours walking, watching as the sun rose farther and farther into the sky, resting every so often. During this time, I tried to think of a story to tell these people. These ponies . Telling them I was a human who was transported here was out of the question. As friendly as I knew the ponies here to be, I didn't want them to think that I was crazy. Not to mention, even as friendly and accepting as they were, there was still a slight chance they'd try to send me back if they found out, and I was not going to go back. I also had to remember to stay vague. I knew a lot about this world already, but I didn't know everything . I'd give a general, believable story without too many details, and if they pressed, I'd stay vague and ask them about themselves.
I decided to go with the 'I'm a stallion traveling Equestria' story. It was a good all-purpose story. My home would be wherever I was at the time, but now I was looking for a place to settle down permanently. I thought it seemed like a good enough story. I was just thinking about what my name should be when something shocking happened: my stomach growled.
My stomach growling wasn't the shocking part. My new body had never had food before, and I'd been walking for the past few hours. It was to be expected. No, the shocking part was the nervousness, almost fear, that had set in at my stomach's growl. I was hungry and alone with no house or pony in sight. So what? I'd gone days without food before, and compared to my previous problems, this shouldn't even make me blink. And yet, the anxiousness that had set in forced my body to break into a light trot. I wanted to find somebody quickly. I wanted to get out of here. I wanted to go home.
"No!" I thought, forcing myself to stop. "What are you, five? Get ahold of yourself. Have you really forgotten what your 'home' is like in the last three hours?"
"No, but… I'm scared," some other childish part of me thought.
"What is wrong with you? This is scary? This is the friendliest place in the whole universe! How could being lost with a little 'rumble in your tummy' possibly be scared enough to want to go home? You life sucked!"
Still, the fear and anxiousness and nervousness persisted, but I forced myself to walk anyway. Evidently, my new body had a natural nervous energy about it, which would explain my earlier jittery feeling, but I could live with that. It was still infinitely better than my old human body. I had a natural calmness about me, so I was pretty sure I could tune it out.
I continued on for the next several hours, alternating between walking and resting, as the terrain began to get more hilly with an increasing amount of trees. Night was approaching and my new body was very hungry and starting to get thirsty after a full day of walking. Not to mention, tired. I'd been fighting it's inclination to be fearful and panicky at the thought of being lost all day, and was doing a pretty good job of staying in control. That was, at least, until I stood atop one of the hills and saw a forest in front of me.
My body started to shake at the thought of having to cross through it. I wanted to walk right in, but my new pony body said no, and this time, I couldn't fight it. I tried desperately to get it to keep walking, but I could only stand there and shake.
"What's wrong with you?" I thought. "Why won't you go?"
"I want to, but…"
"But what? Is there someone else in here with me?"
"No, it's just me..."
"Then why won't I go forward?"
"Because I'm scared."
"What are you afraid of? No ponies have ever even died in this show."
"I know but…" my thought quivered. "I'm hungry and thirsty and lost and alone."
I rolled my eyes. "And what? You wanna go home? Back to that mess?"
"Yeah…"
"Well too bad, we're here now. There's no way to go home. And even if there was a way to get home, I don't want to go. We haven't even been here a day."
I tried once again to move forward, but my shaking legs denied me, tears welling up in my eyes at the thought of having to go into that forest.
"I don't want to go in ," I thought. "I'm afraid."
This was making me angry. What was happening? I was supposed to be in control of this body, not it in control of me. Its nervousness and anxiousness were infecting my thoughts, making them nervous and anxious along with it. I wasn't naturally this way. It was this new pony body. I should have been more specific about my conditions in my wish.
"Or maybe, this is you," I thought. It was a possibility. Maybe since my mind was finally clear of all of what was wrong for me, the real me was taking over. The thought was horrible, so horrible that I immediately dismissed it. No, this was the wish granters fault, or, at the very most, my dumb, drug-filled mind not being specific enough with my wish. I mean, I did only wish to be in Equestria, and that guy was practically a genie. And I wouldn't put it past a genie to pull something like this. But at least the joke was on him. My life right now, lost, hungry, alone, and afraid to continue forward, it was still far better than it was yesterday.
So with that, I lay down with a humph. While the nervous, fearful, pony part of me was making me sniffle back tears, my human mind, despite the current situation, was still ecstatic that I was here.
Patient: Leo (M)
Characteristics: Green eyes, medium blue coat, blue/black mane, average height and below average weight for age (assumed five to seven years old).
Report: Patient found lying in the road in the center of town, presented at 6:24 am with injured fetlock (determined to be fractured) as well as bite wounds (likely self inflicted). Complains of itching (initially denied, likely psychological, stress related) and shows signs of anxiousness and nervousness. Mild fever (has since cleared). No signs of other recent injuries or previous significant injuries. Mental state clear, is alert to surroundings. Denies knowing age or who guardians are. Allegedly limped through Redwood Forest, likely exacerbating fetlock fracture, and claims to have no knowledge of what bit him. Claims no knowledge of how to use magic. Accepts offers for antibiotics and help with bathing, but denies offers for help with food, as well as offers for pain medicine (previously drugged?).
Diagnosis: Likely runaway, previously abused, possibly drugged, with anxiousness and self harming tendencies as a result.
Alternate theories: (1) Runaway, previously abused, with self harming tendencies and resistance to help as a result. (2) Runaway, previously neglected, attention seeking behavior as a result. (3) Runaway, previous injury, dependant on pain medicine as a result, experiencing withdrawal
Treatment: Bed rest for several weeks, antibiotics to prevent wound infection. To be referred to foal psychologist Dr. Ivory Spark of Baltimare.
-Dr. Moonlit Night
Patient: Leo
Characteristics: Green eyes, medium blue coat, blue/black mane, five years old, parents Lucky Day and Blue Mist, guardians to be Thundertail and Herbal Essence
Report: Leo was admitted to North Star Hospital on April 2nd with a fetlock fracture, leg bites, a mild sickness, and severe itching after being found outdoors by Herbal Essence and Thundertail. He was quickly treated for external injuries, although possible abuse and psychological problems were noted by Doctor Night, who referred him to me.
Much of his first two days could be described as “hectic”. Several times he broke down and on multiple occasions self-harmed in an attempt to ground himself. He consistently appeared conflicted and extremely resistive to help. He also had extreme reactions to receiving medication, in particular pain medication, and to being near his mother, Blue Mist. He has admitted to taking the former, although he claims it’s of his own accord, and to being abused by his mother, although he refuses to go into detail. He consistently asserted that he "hates being a colt" and that he "hates his life". While he does seem troubled and upset by his situation, he displays frustration more than anything else. He was constantly tense, and his general mood could be described as anxious.
He was then transferred to East Baltimare Regional for the following three days, where he became much more relaxed. During this time, he could be described as apathetic, although slowly getting better with time. While disinterested in activities outside of magic use, including interacting with other doctors and nurses, he did occasionally try to engage with what others have planned for him. He still presents severe self confidence issues, and still seems to believe that things that befall him are his fault. While he sleeps, he commonly appears distressed, and has admitted to having bad dreams. He has also admitted to feeling older than he is, and occasionally presents himself as such, although refuses to discuss just how old he feels. Based on how he’s reacted to his situation, a good estimate appears to be around nine, although this could be a tad higher, with a reasonable maximum of about twelve. His magic field is still extremely weak, but seems to be strengthening with time and use. However, he’s likely to stay at least a bit behind his peers into adulthood.
Despite all of these things, he is bright and seems to have an above-average awareness for what goes on around him. He seems keenly aware of what's being discussed and what it means for him, and can easily discern when things might not be going the way he wants. He seems to have a high intellect, and despite his "homeschooling", we shouldn’t be surprised if he were to excel in public school.
Also, he has developed an extreme fondness for the couple who found him, in particular Herbal Essence, and has expressed an intense desire to live with them. Given his circumstances, this is likely the best course of action for him, despite Thundertail’s previous history. However, Thundertail has been warned that any action that could be perceived as negligent or careless will be cause for Leo’s removal.
In regards to Thundertail, he has been previously charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct, however, he has agreed to go to one session of substance abuse counseling per month for the next year, as well as have visits by me to Leo in his home twice per week until otherwise determined.
While Leo hasn't directly stated much about his mother besides being hurt by her, sexual abuse appears almost certain based on Leo's reactions to her and his father's interview, which he described her "helping" Leo with his daily activities, as well as "calming him down" during the night.
In regards to Blue Mist and Lucky Day, Blue Mist has been officially charged with foal abuse. She has a trial scheduled within the month, with myself speaking on Leo's behalf. On Lucky Day, it is still to be determined if he’ll be allowed to visit Leo, as more information needs to be gathered.
Treatment: Leo needs a home where he can feel safe and gain confidence in himself, and despite pushing the limit, it does seem as though Herbal Essence and Thundertail can provide him such. As well, they will be made aware of how they can and cannot interact with him, and what the expectations are to have him stay with them. He will also need counseling, which will be administered by myself, as well as interaction with colts and fillies his age.
All in all, if these things can be achieved, Leo’s prognosis looks excellent, and he should be expected to develop into a bright and happy colt.
-Dr. Ivory Spark
Ivory Spark read through what she had written, and felt... awful. Awful because she didn't feel like she was being honest. She wasn't sure she wanted Leo staying with Thundertail. There was too much risk involved. She wasn't as concerned about how Leo might be influenced by the stallion as she was with how he would react if the stallion proved himself unfit to take care of him. If Leo had to be taken away from Herbal Essence because Thundertail couldn't control himself, she'd be back to square one in terms of dealing with the colt and trying to help him. She was lucky enough that hadn't happened twice already, and knew it wasn't a good thing to try and push luck this way. No, actually, it was flat out irresponsible of her to do so. She should refer his case to a judge in Canterlot and have him placed with a unicorn couple.
However, she wanted his case to remain her own. More than that, however, she wanted to keep him comfortable and around familiar faces. It was poor reasoning, dangerous reasoning. Sure, it might help him get better more quickly, but a small setback now, followed by slow, steady progress, was better than risking a future setback, when it would be harder to help him. Still, she couldn't stand to see the colt so upset. He’d already been through a lot, and didn’t want to add to that. However, she might inadvertently add to it if Thundertail screwed everything up.
She decided she was going to speak with Leo, and left her report to make her way to his room. He was with another nurse, once again practicing using magic, and was able to pick the chip up about half a foot now.
“That’s good work, Leo!” she said, putting a smile on her face for him. “Is it okay if I speak to you for a little while?” The colt quickly put on a concerned look, dropping the chip from his grasp.
“It’s nothing bad,” she assured him. “I promise. I just need to talk to you about Thundertail.”
“Okay…” Leo answered skeptically, unsure of where this was going.
She sighed. She didn’t want to have this conversation with him, but knew she would have to. “Leo,” she started again, “do you know what disorderly conduct means?”
“Yes.”
“Okay, well, he got in trouble because he wasn’t behaving himself in public, and-”
“I would tell you if he was going to hurt me,” Leo interrupted, getting ahead of her.
“I understand that, but the thing is that Thundertail has certain things he has to do now, and he has to do them exactly the way it's supposed to be done. If he messes even one thing up, I’ll have to take you away from him and Herbal Essence. I’m telling you this now because I need you to know that if that does happen, it’s not your fault, or anything that you did. Okay?”
The colt looked a bit concerned at that, but reluctantly answered, "Okay."
