In which Anon destroys reality and becomes the Princess of Math
Anon crossed her forelegs and pouted as Twilight clicked her tongue in disappointment.
“I hate to say Anon this is… Well frankly I don’t know what to say. I thought you were better than this!”
Anon stared hard at the floor of the library.
“Already suffered through school once,” she grumbled under her breath, “don’t need stupid pony school to tell me how smart I am.”
Anon had dropped into Equestria years ago. Unfortunately for her, she had been changed from an adult human male into a female foal. She had even been swaddled, which had left her in a tight position. That had left her with one option, scream for help. Unfortunately, she had been dropped deep in some forest (that Twilight wouldn’t let her go back to), and her screams for assistance sounded just like a baby crying. It was only through sheer dumb luck that Twilight had found her. The then purple unicorn had been on a stroll to Zecora’s hut when she had heard Anon’s cries for help. Upon discovering the human turned infant, Twilight had immediately rushed her home and had begun immediately caring for her. The rest was history, with Anon regaining speech within two years. Despite her apparent intelligence and alien-ness, Twilight had really grown on her as she acted like a second mother. After a long heart to heart, they had decided to keep their existing relationship, with Twilight as her adopted pony mom, and Anon as a foul-mouthed pony filly.
It wasn’t the best thing to be changed into a little pony, but Anon did well enough. Mostly. Except when she didn’t. It was that stupid school and that stupid filly with the crown. Anon had a cutie mark (dumb), which was a big black question mark (even dumber), and it was the target of relentless bullying from Diamond Tiara and her stooge, Silver Stick, or something. On top of that, the school work was nothing Anon hadn’t already suffered through, and while she excelled in most subjects, math, of all things, eluded her. It was math she struggled with, and it was a math test that she had failed, resulting in the disappointed look on Twilight’s face. The purple alicorn sighed.
“I guess this means no cake tonight young lady. Did your human school teach you anything? Anon, you have to know that two plus two equals three!”
Anon’s eyes shot up into a glare at Twilight, and she stomped her hoof.
“But it doesn’t! Two plus two is four, four! How can I be the only one in all of Equestria who knows that?”
Twilight sighed again and set the test on the ground so that they could both look at it.
“Anon… it’s alright that you don’t know. I guess I just expected you to do better with all of your prior human knowledge. Here, let’s work through the problems together, then you’ll see why you’re wrong.”
‘Fat chance,’ Anon thought as she plopped down next to Twilight.
The purple alicorn smiled at Anon and used one of her wings to drag the filly a bit closer. Their fur pressed together, and Anon relished in the one thing she unflinchingly thought was good about being a pony. They were amazing at snuggling. It was like the softest pillow in existent pressed into a breathing, warm person. It was so great, and for a moment, Anon forgot about how right she was.
Twilight tapped her hoof on the first problem and levitated a quill over.
“Let’s start with one of the easy ones. What is one plus one?”
“Two,” Anon replied instantly.
Twilight smiled.
“Good, now; what’s one plus two?”
Anon took a deep breath and sighed.
“Three,” she answered.
Twilight nodded.
“And one plus three?”
“Four,” Anon replied.
Twilight smiled.
“Good job Anon. Let’s move onto something a little more complex. What is two plus one?”
“It’s the same as one plus two,” Anon replied. “Three, the answer is three!”
Twilight nodded and smiled.
“Exactly. Now what’s two plus two?”
“Four!” Anon shouted.
Twilight shook her head.
“No Anon, it’s three. Two plus two is three.”
Anon stomped her hoof on the test.
“How?” she yelled. “You just said two plus one is three, how can two plus two also be three?”
Twilight smiled sweetly.
“That’s easy Anon, it’s because….”
Twilight stopped mid-sentence, blinking stupidly at the furious green filly. She then looked to the test, where two plus one was answered correctly, but two plus two was also answered… It shouldn’t have been... but two plus two...
Anon tapped her hoof impatiently.
“Well? How is two plus two three, if two plus one is also three?”
Twilight stared with dead eyes at the walls of her library.
“It can’t be,” she whispered as she began dissociating from reality.
Was it all a lie? Had she been duped? Was all her knowledge for naught, rended apart by a being from another world with clearly superior intelligence as to see that two plus two doesn't equal three? Twilight didn’t know. She couldn’t know. It was too much to think about. The very act of thinking threatened to drive her mad as she tried to process everything that had brought her to this point.
Anon waited in brooding silence as Twilight descended into one of her trances. The filly scowled for a moment as the purple alicorn began to drool. Anon sighed and got to her hooves.
“Well since I’m in charge now, I’m getting that cake!”
She stomped off toward the kitchen, her mind already hard at work on how to scale the kitchen counter.
*****
Discord frowned as he spun in a three-dimensional circle. Not a sphere mind you, but a circle that was 3-D. The creation had driven several ponies mad at the sight, so he kept it in his private study in his private dimension. The brilliance of his creation escaped him however, because something felt wrong. A cornerstone of reality was unwinding, and yet he was not the cause of it. He didn’t know why, but he felt like it was both completely unimportant to the world at large, yet absolutely important to his world. Was it something to do with Fluttershy?
He opened a portal to find the pegasus singing (again) about feeding snakes. Discord scowled at the scaly creatures, and when Fluttershy wasn’t looking, he turned one into a rat, which was quickly swallowed by its fellows. Served Jerry right. The rotten garden snake had bitten him when Fluttershy had encouraged him to pet it. Though she would be sad if the snake up and disappeared…
Discord sighed, and as he closed the portal, he replaced the rat with a normal rat, and he threw Jerry onto the roof of Fluttershy’s cottage with a warning in snake tongue about what would happen if he bit anyone ever again. Discord frowned again as he did a search through his realm. If it wasn’t Fluttershy, then Discord had no idea why he would care about the end of a portion of reality. He didn’t particularly care for anyone other than the yellow pegasus, and while he was working on changing that, he hadn’t made enough progress. That left pranks, but he had been clean for months! Sure, he had a few outstanding pranks, especially that one involving the human, but the little green rascal shouldn’t have been able to do anything that big…
Discord’s scowl turned into a smile, and he cheered. The noise echoed through his dimension, sending a tidal wave of marshmallows into Rarity’s house. Unfortunately, she wasn’t home, and only her younger sister was buried in the tidal wave, but Discord cheered and clapped and began opening another portal anyway. Of course, Anon had done it! She knew real math! Oh, but to see the pay off, he had to tune in!
Discord opened a portal to the tree that made Twilight Sparkle’s home, and he chortled when he saw the purple alicorn in a daze, staring at a math test with the answer; 2+2 = 4. His eyes shifted to the kitchen, where Anon was pulling hard on a chair.
*****
Anon yanked the chair into position, then waggled her hips as she jumped atop it. Her stumpy little pony body nearly didn’t make it, and Anon had to scramble to get atop the cushion. She glared at her baby fat filled flanks with a scowl.
“Remind me to take Rainbow up on her offer to get in shape. This is dumb, and I am not waiting for my next growth spurt to be able to do stuff!”
She huffed and looked upward. Twilight had gotten better at putting the cake tray out of reach, Anon knew that if she wanted one more thing out of life, it was more cake. She hopped from the chair to the counter, and from the counter to the refrigerator. The space on top of the cabinets was small, perfect for the cake tray, but just a little bit too small for Anon’s body to wiggle through. She had a shot however, she just needed to grab the handle of the freezer and lean…
Anon reached a tiny hoof out to the cake tray, grunting as she inched closer and closer. It was almost within her grasp, just a bit closer…
Anon felt her world crumble into oblivion as Twilight sprinted into the room, snatching the green filly up in a purple glow.
“Anon you’re brilliant!” Twilight cheered as she pressed the green filly into her chest fur. “You’ve revolutionized math, corrected such a big issue! You’ll change Equestria with this news! Two plus two is four Anon, two plus two is four!”
Anon looked desperately toward the cake tray, and she managed to get a hoof free to point toward it.
“Twilight, please! The cake, I deserve cake!”
Twilight wasn’t listening however, and Anon’s increasingly desperate cries for cake went unnoticed as the purple alicorn took her to write a letter to Celestia.
*****
Princess Celestia sipped at her afternoon tea, then, after ensuring nopony was watching, conjured up a thick slice of triple chocolate cake. Gods did she love cake, but with her sister’s return, she had had to cut back. Luna was so much slimmer and physically fit than her, and it took no time at all for the news to reach the noble class. Then there was that whole article in the paper about her cake habit, and it had been a downward spiral from there.
She didn’t care as she shoved the entire slice into her mouth, barely pausing to chew. She had to be fast, sneaky. She couldn’t let anyone know she was eating cake, and she knew that her assistant would rat her out to her sister. Just because Celestia had approached Luna about losing weight, didn’t mean she needed to be kept to things like a diet, or exercise regimen. She was elegant in her own right, and she could always burn extra energy by reading one of Twilight’s letters.
As if on cue, a letter popped into existence, plopping into her tea cup. Celestia sighed and removed the roll of parchment before setting the tea off to the side. She could ring for a servant to get a fresh cup, or cast a restoration spell on the tea, but…
Celestia groaned and slouched in her throne.
“Too much work…”
She instead focused on the taste of the delicious cake that still remained on her lips while she unrolled Twilight’s letter.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today Anon made a breakthrough! I don’t know how I ever missed it, but she made me realize that our system for math has been wrong all this time! Two plus two is four Princess! Two plus two is four! I know it sounds false, but when Anon walks through it, it all makes sense! I’m on my way to Canterlot right now, and then we can show you in person!
Signed,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Celestia sighed and rubbed at her forehead. The headache was a sign of memory modification, and she knew of only one being that could do such a thing to an alicorn.
“Discord! Out here this instant, and with a cake! I am not in the mood for pranks this day.”
The draconequus popped into existence on an identical copy of her throne, and he spun upside down as an angel food cake descended toward Celestia.
“And to what do I owe the pleasure of your summons?” Discord asked with a smile. “Perhaps you need a napkin to erase the evidence?”
He snapped and a full body mirror appeared before Celestia, showing her just how not subtle she was. By inhaling the chocolate cake in one bite, she had smeared much of her muzzle with its brown goodness. With how pristine her white fur was, anything short of a bleaching would leave evidence for Luna to find.
Celestia sighed and stared at her hooves, where the angel food cake sat. It was her favorite kind of cake, so light and fluffy, and she knew that if Discord made it, it was perfection incarnate.
“I am ashamed,” she mumbled.
Discord scoffed.
“Oh don’t be dramatic ‘tia, you know I enjoy helping you dodge your sister. That pony has a stick up her butt.”
He snapped and Celestia’s fur became instantly cleaned. The remains of the chocolate frosting formed into a ball, which Discord tossed in his hand as he flipped upside down.
“Now, before she storms in here because of my very presence, what do you want? I was watching the best show on television, and I don’t like being interrupted when we’re about to reach the ending.”
Celestia stared at the cake before her, then looked up.
“It is concerning Equestria’s math. Did you alter everypony’s perception so that they couldn’t realize that two plus two is four?”
Discord snorted.
“A long time ago ‘tia, before the first time you got me stoned, so it doesn’t count. I honestly thought your other pet student, Beardy Boy, would have figured it out, but alas. Still, you have quite the situation on your hooves.”
He spun around to face the throne room doors.
“One, you could blame it on me, but then I go back into stone, and you don’t have a little chaotic helper anymore. Despite recent events, I have actually made myself marginally better, so I’d rather we didn’t do that.”
Celestia heard a door slam, and the sound of heavy hoof steps approaching. Discord grinned and the ball in his hand increased in size.
“I’m assuming you have a second solution?” she asked.
Discord nodded.
“Yep, but I need your protection before I give it to you. Trust me, it’ll work better for everypony if they don’t think you failed to notice mind control for well over a thousand years.”
Celestia sighed as she heard her sister bellow out in the old tongue. Her eyes drifted down to the cake. So close, so tantalizingly close.
“You have it then, as long as no chocolate gets on the carpet. I’m still looking for a new head maid after last time.”
“Done,” Discord replied. “The solution is easy. Reveal Anon as your new prodigy, and with her new, breathtaking discovery, she is the newest alicorn princess. It should be easy to sell, especially since Twilight’s been taking care of her. Boom, you get another powerhouse in a few measly decades, the situation blows over, and now Twilight has somepony to help her rule when you retire.”
Celestia’s head shot up.
“How do you know about that?”
Discord scoffed.
“Please, who do you think is developing the resort for you two? It takes effort to keep two alicorns happy during a millennia long vacation, even for me. With Anon though, Twilight gets to keep someone good and close to rule with. What could be better than a mom and daughter?”
Celestia nodded.
“A sound idea, though I am mildly concerned as to what your stake in this is.”
Discord scoffed.
“Please, a princess from another world? Chaos never came so easily. You’re just lucky I didn’t grab one of the weird ones.” He shuddered. “So many universes, so much mature content.”
Celestia ignored his rambling and sighed, fixating on the angel food cake. It lived to spite its name by looking so devilishly soft.
“It’s settled then. When they arrive, I shall arrange it. Now, may I ask what you intend to do when my sister arrives?”
Discord chuckled.
“Oh ‘tia, you already know what I intend to do. Why waste words on what you already know?”
She sighed and scooped up the angel food cake before her. Celestia slouched in her seat and ate the cake in small bites as Discord reared back his arm. The throne room doors slammed open as he let the ball of chocolate loose. Luna opened her mouth, only to be immediately blinded as the ball of chocolate smacked into her eyes. Celestia cast a series of protective spells over Discord as he cackled madly, weaving around Luna as she tried her best to brain him with one of the throne room doors.
*****
“And so I crown Anon, as Princess Anon!” Celestia called to the crowd below. “With her discovery that two and two do indeed make four, she has set Equestria on the path to a new golden age, and so I declare Princess Anon as the Princess of Math and Sciences!”
Anon groaned as the crowd below her cheered. A fresh pair of wings sat on her back and a horn poked through her long black hair. While the process of actual getting them had been two parts cool and one part sappy, they were overshadowed by the awful, frilly, stupid dress Rarity had made for her. Anon had tried to convince the marshmallow looking unicorn to make her something that looked cool (something like the Wonderbolts inspired jumpsuit dress Rainbow helped design, man was that thing wicked) but Rarity had been insistent, so Anon was dressed in a disgusting pink dress that “complimented her coat”. She wanted to die. It did not help that, not only was she a princess of something really, really stupid, but she hadn’t even gotten any cake! Three days without a single sweet! Just talking and Twilight saying how proud she was (which was kinda nice), and dresses and more talking.
Anon slouched on her newly made throne as the other princesses waved at the crowd below. Celestia smiled brightly down at her.
“Don’t look so glum Anon, today is a wonderful day!”
Anon kicked her leg out and crossed her forehooves.
“Stupid day. I friggin’ saved Equestria from Discord-caused ignorance and I haven’t even gotten any cake.”
Celestia’s smile grew wider.
“Cake you say? And what if I could get you a slice?”
Anon sat up just a hair, but kept her pout on her face.
“I don’t want just a slice,” Anon complained. “Saving Equestria is worth more than just a slice!”
Twilight shot her a small glare.
“Young lady, stop that slouching. You will only have cake later if you act properly!”
Celestia gasped softly, and Anon quickly found herself wrapped in a wall of white fluff.
“How dare you threaten such a thing Twilight! I know I taught you better than that!”
Celestia held Anon out toward Twilight, and the filly put on her best puppy dog eyes.
“Just look at this unhappy child! She has done so much good, and you threaten her with no cake? Nay, says I. Let her eat all the cake!”
Anon smiled as Celestia got to her hooves. The alicorn placed her between her massive white wings as she stood tall, drawing the crowd’s attention.
“I, Princess Celestia, declare today a national holiday, to be celebrated with cakes!” It was a short speech, to the point, and the ponies below her seemed on board as they let out a cheer. Celestia smiled. “Let there be cake!”
Luna shot up from her seat as Celestia’s horn lit up.
“Sister, your diet!” Luna hissed.
Celestia grinned.
“Cheat day, have to celebrate the newest princess I’m afraid. No way around it.”
Anon looked up as a peal of thunder split the sky, then, with a flash of golden light, cakes began to float slowly down, like fat, delicious snowflakes. Anon’s eyes widened when she saw her favorite begin floating her way. Celestia followed her eyes, and she giggled as she spotted a very familiar, delectable cake.
“The angel food cake Princess Anon?”
Anon nodded desperately as a gust of wind threatened to push it away. Celestia grabbed the cake with her magic, then slowly let it drift into Anon’s waiting hooves. As soon as it came within grabbing distance, Anon snatched it out of the air, taking a large bite from the whole cake, almost like she was eating a sandwich. Celestia laughed as Twilight and Luna looked upon the filly with horror in their eyes.
“Oh Anon, I think you and I are going to be very good friends.”
