Life at the Legion of Doom

by secury

Rating: teen
Tags: Profanity, Alternate Universe, Tirek, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, King Sombra, Queen Chrysalis, Cozy Glow, Adventure
Length: 8234

The infamous villains are brought together to join their forces and bring Equestria to its knees. In theory at least.

Queen Chrysalis, Lord Tirek, Cozy Glow and King Sombra are brought together to be part of the same team. Their task? Learn how to work together and defeat their enemies. They are not happy about it at all.

The story begins after The Beginning of the End - Part 1.

Many thanks to EverfreePony for her wonderful help with editing.

Published 2020-02-29 18:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2020-03-31 14:50:08 UTC

Chapter 1 - Recruitment

The natural sounds of the cave were shattered by a hissing sound.

The air began to whirl, then suddenly thickened and took the form of a dark cloud. A few short moments later the cloud dissipated swiftly, leaving behind a puzzled changeling queen. Chrysalis adjusted her eyes and began to scan her surroundings.

She could smell the slightly musty odor in the air, a sour scent of the stagnant water. The changeling slowly turned her head around and looked up. The cave was carved in the muddy brown rock. Lumps of moss sprouted from the ceiling and stalagmites. She lowered her gaze and saw that a large section of the ground was covered in pools of murky mud. At the same time, she could hear the gurgling sound of water pouring in the background.

In the center of the cave, she could see a stone pedestal. On it rested a head-sized orb emitting a bright orange-yellow light. She lifted a hoof to shield her gaze from the glare.

Chrysalis strode forward, down a sloping path from the upper landing of the cave. As she was descending the ramp, two figures standing a few steps from the pedestal caught her attention. A centaur and a small pegasus.

Chrysalis narrowed her eyes. "Lord Tirek?"

"... a changeling?" the centaur said thoughtfully.

"Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!" Chrysalis added hastily, her twisted horn flickering with an emerald aura. "Or at least I will be, when I restore my rightful place."

The changeling stopped by the base of the ramp and jumped to the two creatures, slamming her hooves into the ground hard enough to make the filly fall back behind the centaur's legs.

"Now tell me! Why did you summon me!" Chrysalis demanded.

"Geez, somepony got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning," the filly muttered, pressed against the centaur's leg for reassurance.

Tirek put his hands together and cracked his knuckles defensively.

He snorted, forming a small glowing ball of energy between his horns. "Like I need to take orders from someone who literally has to suck love from ponies just to be functional throughout the day."

Chrysalis stepped to the centaur, almost standing face to face. "Insult me one more time, and you are gonna be the one unfunctional throughout the day!"

"We will see about that, you--"

The pegasus suddenly wedged herself between the centaur and the changeling.

"Now, hold on, you two," she said. "Shouldn't we first figure out how we got here in the first place before fighting with each other?"

The changeling slowly tilted her head to one side. "And who are you supposed to be?"

The filly cleared her throat. "My name is Cozy Glow!" she exclaimed, pointing at the centaur. "I'm Mr. Tirek's best friend!"

Chrysalis stared at the filly. Then she looked at the centaur. "Is she for real?"

Tirek winced. "If by 'best friend'," he grumbled, the two words leaving a sour taste on his tongue, "she means an unfortunate and highly regrettable mistake haunting me for the rest of my life, then yes."

"Mr. Tirek!" Cozy Glow scowled, looking at the centaur reproachfully. "Don't be like that."

"It's true! And for the hundredth time, it's Lord Tirek!"

Cozy sighed. "Mr. Tirek is acting like a big meanie, but under all that hard skin is one big gold heart," she said.

Tirek rubbed his forehead. "Just by talking you really are stretching my nerves..." he moaned, “...with a rack.”

Chrysalis watched them bicker for a few long moments, the green light around her horn draining away. "I have no idea what you two simpletons are babbling about, but you better leave me out of it. Unless you want to end up like my love snack, that is."

The pegasus rolled her eyes in exasperation. "Why is everypony so tense today?" She fluttered her wings, jumped in the air and onto the pedestal, her legs dangling over the edge. A small stream of dust slowly poured to the ground as the filly shuffled into a sitting position.

"So, what now?" she prompted, shifting her gaze back and forth between the centaur and the changeling.

Tirek let out a sigh. "Well, the fruitcake here is not the sharpest knife in the drawer," he sneered, jerking his thumb at the filly, "but she has a point. We should figure out who freed us from Tartarus."

Chrysalis blinked. "Somepony freed you from Tartarus?” she asked with a hint of curiosity.

"Yes," Tirek confirmed.

"We thought it was you who freed us from Tartarus," Cozy said, nodding towards the changeling queen.

"Well, I didn't," Chrysalis proclaimed, cocking her head. "But it must be someone really powerful!"

There was a sudden burst of harsh laughter from above.

The changeling bared her fangs and arched up her back like an angry cat. Tirek again formed a ball of energy between his horns. Cozy hastily slid off the pedestal and hid behind the centaur's neck.

Above the villains' heads formed a whirlwind of dark fog, scattering dust and small bits of stones around. The stream of black smoke concentrated into a column, slowly taking the shape of a pony. It soon subsided, leaving a gray stallion standing on the upper landing of the cave.

The pony ran a hoof through his black mane and paced forward to get a better view from the platform, his armored hooves clacking on the stone floor.

"Wow," Cozy commented softly. "That was a pretty cool entrance."

"... King Sombra?" Chrysalis cocked her eyebrow.

King Sombra looked down upon the changeling, bared his fangs, then dissolved himself into a puff of black smoke and a moment later emerged before the rest of the villains.

"What are you doing here?" Chrysalis asked with a grin. "Did you return to exact revenge on your enemies?"

"Did you summon us in order to help you garner more power?" Tirek prompted.

"How do you make your mane float like that?" Cozy exclaimed, popping her head over Tirek’s shoulder.

Sombra stared at the filly. Then he looked at Tirek, then at Chrysalis and finally back to the filly. "What in the name of flaming pits of Tartarus is a filly doing in this company?" the gray stallion said at last.

"I'm Tirek's best--"

Tirek reached out behind his shoulder and firmly but gently gripped her lips with his fingers. "Please stop telling other villains that I’m your friend. I have a reputation to keep,” he whispered to the filly.

"Let's just say that she is with me," he announced to Sombra.

The filly's smile brightened up. "So you admit that you are my friend!"

Tirek huffed. "I don't admit anything," he countered. "Especially not that I'm your friend. It's just faster this way."

Chrysalis stomped her hooves with a loud thud, earning her an annoyed look from Tirek and Sombra and forcing the filly to again take cover behind the centaur's shoulder.

"Fascinating discussion." She grimaced. "Now shut up and shift focus on a changeling who really deserves it--namely me--and try to figure out who summoned us here?"

"I did," a deep voice came from the cave entrance.

A vaguely pony-shaped silhouette entered the cave and moved toward the villains with long, steady strides and clattering noise. As the creature, reminiscent of a ram, came closer, the orb’s light revealed large, twisted horns sticking out his head, blue fur, and a gold belt around his chest. The villains suspiciously observed him as he approached the stone pedestal.

"You may call me Grogar," the ram announced.

"Grogar?" Tirek and Chrysalis echoed in unison.

"I have heard of you," Sombra said.

"I thought you were a legend," Tirek murmured.

"I assure you that I am very real," Grogar said firmly. The rest of the villains moved toward the pedestal and crowded around him.

"Grofar?" Cozy frowned, jumping from Tirek’s shoulder on the pedestal. "That doesn't ring a bell."

"Grogar!" the ram bellowed, stomping his hooves hard enough to make the filly fall from the pedestal to the ground. "I have been away too long if my name no longer strikes fear in the heart of one so tiny."

Grogar gazed back to the other villains. "Perhaps a demonstration of power is in order," he said, materializing a small golden ball on his hoof.

The ball glowed with yellow light and swiftly landed in Tirek’s hands. The centaur regarded the gleaming orb closely for a moment before he shoved it into his mouth in an undignified way and chewed hastily. The centaur swallowed loudly and his whole body was wrapped in white light. A mere moment later the light vanished. Tirek’s body was now far more muscular and massive than before.

"Neat!" The centaur beamed, kissing one of his biceps. He stepped closer and leaned his hand against the stone surface of the pedestal. “Grogar is an ancient and extremely powerful being," he explained, looking at Cozy.

"The land that would be Equestria was merely a collection of farms and pastures until Grogar declared himself Emperor of Everything He Saw," Tirek continued, lifting his hands dramatically. "I heard tales about his tyranny when I was young."

"I have also heard of the First Emperor of Equestria," Sombra supplied grimly, eyeing Grogar. "The Father of Monsters."

Cozy scratched her head. "Golly, it must be pretty hard to fit all that stuff on your business cards," she mumbled.

Grogar raised his head menacingly. "I gave life to the foulest of creatures," he said, placing his hooves around the orb. "And allowed them to run wild. Taking what they want and burning the rest. My reign was the glorious fear-soaked epoch of darkness in Equestria.”

"Ha!" Chrysalis scoffed with a mocking sneer. "Until Gusty the Great rose up and banished you."

"Silence!" Grogar barked, losing his composure for a moment, his glare forcing Chrysalis to sink into a cowed silence.

"That fool thought that taking my bell would defeat me, but she only weakened me temporarily." Grogar turned away and began ascending the ramp. "I have spent millennia gathering power, biding my time, waiting for the perfect opportunity to seize control of Equestria," he declared. "I have seen each of your humiliating defeats at hooves of the six puny ponies!"

That statement made Chrysalis and Sombra snort.

"Do you know why Twilight Sparkle and her friends have always bested you?"

"Because they caught me off guard!" Sombra snapped.

"Because they cheat!" Chrysalis snarled grimly.

"Because they are annoyingly lucky," Tirek grumbled, folding his arm across his chest begrudgingly.

"It was the first day on the job, so... " Cozy Glow replied innocently, lifting her hooves in helpless appeal.

"It's because they work together," Grogar countered. "When one is weak, the other is strong, and thus unified they represent a formidable force." A big conspiratorial smile widened on his face. "But we shall use their own strategy to defeat them."

Chrysalis furrowed her brow. "What are you suggesting?" she said sharply, jerking a hoof in Grogar's direction.

"I suggest nothing," Grogar replied flatly, jumping on the pedestal. "I demand that you join me. Together Equestria will be ours!"

"Like that's gonna happen!" Sombra spat.

Everybody stared at him.

"Not to rain on your parade, Grogar," he mocked, "but just because we all have a grudge against Twilight Sparkle and her friends doesn't exactly make us one big happy family. This alliance will fall apart faster than a rotten timberwolf."

"Do you have doubts about my plan?" Grogar growled.

"You bet I have!" Sombra grinned widely. "I don't do 'ours'. I only do mine!"

Sombra vanished in a puff of black smoke and reappeared right before Grogar's face.

"I will take back the Crystal Empire on my own," he announced, placing a hoof on his chest. "And I will crush anypony who gets in my way!"

Grogar regarded Sombra closely. "Such confidence," he pointed out. "Go! I will send you there myself. If you prevail, you may keep the Crystal Empire, but when you fail, you will submit to me!"

"And if I refuse this deal?"

"Then I will return you back into the darkness from which you were summoned."

"Fine," Sombra retorted, "but this is a waste of time as I will defeat--" He suddenly disappeared in a yellow flash.

"As for the rest of you," Grogar glanced over the trio, leaving the room. "I suggest that you learn how to work together."

“Hmm,” Tirek began, “that escalated quickly. That Sombra guy is alive like five minutes and he is already trying to take over the world.”

Cozy Glow suddenly flapped her wings and dropped herself on Tirek's shoulder.

"Teamwork sounds awfully familiar to making friends," she said, stretching out her hooves in excitement. "So you two are in luck because I know all about that!" She frowned a little bit. "Maybe I could use that as a theme for my master thesis. Something like Applied Friendship for Practical Villainy. That doesn't sound so bad."

Chrysalis scowled at her. Then she looked at Tirek. "I suppose that thing doesn't have a switch off?"

"I wish." Tirek sighed and flicked the filly from his shoulder.

“This doesn't look really good for the home team,” Sombra smirked. “Surrender now and I will let you keep one personal slave of your choice.”

“I’m not afraid of you,” Twilight declared firmly from the other side of the throne room. The rest of the main six stood behind her.

Sombra shrugged. “Well, I tried to be reasonable,” he said flatly, standing up from the throne and moving slowly toward the alicorn. “I am gonna enjoy this," he hissed.

“You may knock us down, but we will get back up again,” Twilight declared, her wings spread out and her eyes gleaming with determination.

Sombra's horn flickered and threw a bolt of dark magic at the alicorn. The princess hastily formed a layer of magical energy before her, squeezing her eyes in concentration. His bolt exploded in black sparks against the shield, destroying it. The impact pushed the alicorn back and toppled her on the floor. Twilight struggled to her hooves, her magic reinforcing her shield.

“Wanna try again?” Sombra dropped his head backward and laughed. “It’s gonna take a little more than fancy speech to save the day.”

Another spell landed on Twilight’s shield, shattering it to pieces like broken glass, pushing the alicorn back and to the floor.

“And again,” Twilight said firmly, standing up.

She and her friends steadily advanced toward the king.

“I wonder what would ponies think if they would see you as my personal lackey,” Sombra said mockingly. “I mean if I had not brainwashed them all.”

He pitched another burst of dark magic at the alicorn. Twilight’s jaw tightened, her horn flickering with violet aura. Right before the black haze hit her, she slid the tip of the horn along with the bolt, deflecting it into the wall.

“And again,” Twilight said, panting.

“Alright, this is getting a little annoying,” Sombra grunted. “Time to wrap things up.”

They both fired up their spells at the same, the magical beams colliding with each other in the midair. Sparks exploded in all directions, dropping on the carpet, leaving a few scorching spots. Sombra clenched his jaw, purple smoke pouring out of his eyes as he poured more energy into the attack. Twilight recoiled, frowning and gritting her teeth.

Sombra grinned, showing his fangs.

Twilight threw up her shield again. Sombra’s stream of black magic cracked as it abruptly bounced off its target. Sombra widened his eyes. The remaining Elements were gathered around Twilight, her shield now radiating with a pleasant bright pink glow.

“How the hell did you do that?” Sombra snapped, nervosity creeping into his voice. “I leveled that stupid tree to the ground and that blast should have hexed you into a splotch!”

“For our friends,” Fluttershy began.

“For our family,” Applejack and Rarity continued in unison.

“For our home,” Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash followed up.

“For Equestria!” Twilight finished.

“Crap.” Sombra gulped. “That ain't good.”

The Elements held their hooves together, hovering above the floor. They narrowed their gaze on the stallion.“You can’t destroy our magic, Sombra.” The pulsing aura surrounding the six ponies grew brighter, bathing the entire room in a flickering pink glow.

“No, wait! I surrender!” Sombra shouted with a panicked voice.

There were a few long moments of silence.

Glow in the room slowly drained away and all the Elements gently levitated down on the floor, looking at each other.

“... say what now?” Applejack said.

“I surrender!” Sombra yelped, sitting down on his haunches, and lifting his hooves up above his head. “We can talk things through!”

Rainbow Dash slammed a hoof into her forehead. “I can’t believe this guy! Now he is surrendering? He had plenty of chances to give up earlier. I say we kick his butt!”

“But we can’t hurt him when he surrenders, now can we?” Fluttershy prompted softly.

Twilight narrowed her eyes on the king. “Are you really surrendering?”

“Yes, yes!” Sombra proclaimed hastily, shaking a little bit. “I surrender, yield, give up, throw the towel in, whatever you want. Just don’t blast me with that thing.”

The alicorn let out a harsh breath before slowly trotting toward him. “This better not be some kind of trick, Sombra!”

The gray stallion chuckled nervously. “You don’t have to worry about that--”

In a flash, a burst of dark smoke whirled around Sombra.

“I knew that you couldn't be trusted!” Twilight shouted angrily, jumping a few paces back.

“This is not me!” Sombra protested. “I swear!”

The smoke swallowed him and dissolved into the air, leaving nothing behind.

Chrysalis, Tirek, and Cozy Glow were watching the display in front of them with undisguised anticipation.

The orb showed the last moment of Sombra's encounter with the Elements and went dark.

"Well, that was unexpected," Tirek commented. "They really had spared him. For a minute I thought he was going to kick a bucket."

"Unexpected perhaps, but still pathetic." Chrysalis grimaced, sticking out her tongue. “I mean, one would expect some action after that gloating, but apparently he is just all bark and no bite.”

The dark cloud quickly emerged and disappeared, leaving Sombra sprawled on the floor.

The changeling queen stared at Sombra, her snout quirked in a malicious smile. “Not so cocky now, huh?”

Before Sombra could reply, a shadow loomed over him.

"I don't think that he is off the hook yet,” Cozy whispered to Tirek. “Is he going to be alright?"

"No idea, but better him than us."

The stallion raised his head and looked up at Grogar's scowl. For several long moments, the former tyrant wasn’t able to move a muscle, only breathing heavily.

“... you were saying something about teaming up?” Sombra said at last.

Grogar’s horns glimmered. A bolt of magic shattered on Sombra's neck with little black-yellow sparks flying in all directions. He fell to the ground like a sack of apples.

"You weren't supposed to conquer Canterlot," the ram growled. "Try to deceive me ever again, and I am gonna deal with you myself. And after I'm done with you, you will wish that the Elements destroyed you.”

Sombra quietly groaned in pain.

Grogar shifted his gaze to the other villains. "Let this humiliating defeat be a warning," he declared, gesturing at Sombra. "Warning for those who defy me and those who oppose continuing with my plans.”

The ram narrowed his eyes glittering with anger.

“Unless you have any doubts,” he said grimly.

The changeling queen gave a kind of yelp. "Nope!"

"Not I," Tirek said carefully, beads of sweat raised on his forehead.

"I'm good," Cozy Glow gasped, chewing on her lip nervously.

Sombra, still pressed to the floor, just nodded lightly.

"Then we shall join forces." Grogar raised his voice, his laughter sprawling across the cave. "And work together to bring Equestria to its knees!"

Chapter 2 - Settling in

“Now that you are ready to follow up my plan,” Grogar said as he walked toward the exit of the cave. “I suggest that you find a way to set your differences aside and learn to work together.”

The villains stared at the ram until he vanished from sight, then let out a sigh of relief in unison.

“What a jerk,” hissed Chrysalis quietly.

There were a few moments of silence.

“So,” said the filly, glancing between the three villains, “ready to make some new friends?”

“Yeah,” sneered the changeling, rolling her eyes, “I’m right onto that.” Chrysalis buzzed her wings with a sharp hiss and lifted herself up a few inches above the floor. She surveyed the layout of the cave and saw a path leading into deeper parts of the cavern. The changeling spun and strolled towards the tunnel’s entrance.

“Hey!” cried the filly after the changeling. “Grogar said we have to work together.”

The changeling queen spared her a quick glance. “Unfortunately, what Grogar says, and what is a good idea, tends to diverge significantly,” she replied flatly, still flying forward.

Cozy turned to Tirek. “I guess that leaves--”

The centaur held up a hand before the filly’s face. “Don’t even think about it,” he grumbled. “If I was interested in your friendship lectures, then I could stay in Tartarus.” He gently pushed the filly aside, then followed after Chrysalis.

Sombra heaved himself up from the cold stone floor and tried to stand, slowly massaging the back of his neck. He stumbled to his hooves and paced before halting right next to the filly and cocking his eyebrow at her.

“Fine, we can become friends later,” Cozy huffed and rubbed the back of her head. “You guys are so mean,” she mumbled before following the villains warily.

Chrysalis flew forward until the cave narrowed into a corridor, then continued through it till the passage spread open before her into a larger space, apparently serving as a living room. As she entered, her eyes were hit by warm golden light emitted by a couple of torches attached to the walls.

She gently landed on the floor and folded her wings, sniffing a few times. The air was filled with the smell and taste of stone dust, mixed with the earthly odor of mosses sprouting from the walls around her.

In the center of the room, Chrysalis saw, lay a ragged stone table. Around it stood four pieces of rock shaped like armchairs. She moved around the table and observed a few niches dotting the walls and holding a couple of wooden shelves, which were crammed with dusty leather-wrapped tomes, accompanied by corked glass jars filled with dim fluids. Among other junk, a few small wooden boxes could be observed.

Chrysalis could hear the hoofsteps of the other villains as they stepped over a few paces behind her. Tirek cupped his beard. “So this is our new home, huh?” he said, scanning the room. “What a dump.”

The changeling strolled across the hall, occasionally shoving off the layers of dust on the floor. For a moment her eyes were drawn by a gramophone, placed in one corner of the room.

A few paces from the table was a narrow solid stone block surrounded by wooden crates, caskets, and sacks of various sizes. A couple potatoes protruded from the sacks.

“I don’t think it is that bad,” said Cozy. “Sure, this place could use some cleaning and new curtains, but it still beats being locked in a cage.”

“I suppose that’s true,” Tirek admitted. “Nevertheless I doubt we can get a decent drink around here.” He walked over to the torches, reached out and plucked one from its holder.

The flickering fire vanished the moment he lifted the torch, leaving just a charred tip of the stick. The centaur put the torch back, the flames immediately sputtering back to life.

“What is with that?” asked Cozy as she approached the centaur.

“I guess there is a ward placed on these things,” Tirek replied. “It’d really be a hassle to maintain such a large lair personally. You’d need to regularly change worn torches, supply oil, and stuff like that.” The centaur paused. “I suppose if you are a powerful being like Grogar with magic to spare, then it’s just much easier to let everything run on magic,” he finished.

A moment later, a few metal clicks clattered across the room, indicating that Sombra caught up with the rest. From the center of the chamber, the villains could see three heavy oakwood doors and an opening in the rear wall.

“So what is the plan for who gets what room?” the filly prompted.

“Well,” Chrysalis grimaced, “I'm gonna find myself some comfortable place.” She pointed out the rear exit. “I don’t care what you do.”

“Don’t be so nasty,” said the filly. “We are all on the same boat here.”

“I don’t care,” replied the changeling flatly. “If the boat is wide enough so I won’t see your faces, then it’s fine by me.”

“For once I must agree with the queen bee here,” Tirek commented.

Chrysalis scowled at him. “I will pretend that I didn’t hear that one.”

“What about you, Sombra?” said Cozy, turning to the stallion.

“I’m going to sleep,” Sombra grunted and aimed for one of the doors. The violet haze of his magic seized the handle and cracked the door open with a creak. He then slid inside and slammed the door shut.

“Okay, that one is settled,” said the filly.

“I’m going too,” the changeling commented and flicked a glance at Tirek and Cozy. “See you, hopefully, never.”

Chrysalis’ wings buzzed again, and she swiftly closed the gap between her and the rear entrance.

The changeling stepped into the opening and shadows fell over her as she strolled through the corridor. After a while, she could see a bright glow pouring from the other side, growing steadily as she advanced forward. When she reached the end of the hallway, a larger area emerged before her.

She again adjusted her eyes and squinted. A couple of torches, placed in holders scattered on columns and stalagmites around her, lit the place with soft golden light and cast shadows on the wall behind the changeling.

A quick glimpse revealed that the ground was mostly empty, save for occasional pieces of rock. At the opposite side of the room rested a solid block of stone, jutting from the wall. She approached the slab, her hooves softly clicking on the floor, and slowly curled on it.

Her horn flashed with an emerald gleam. A series of flicks of green energy hissed sharply. A moment later all the torches clattered across the stone floor, bathing the room in darkness.

“What a day,” she hissed and closed her eyes. She could hear a soft rattle of dripping water in the background as she fell asleep.

“It has been a week, and Grogar has done nothing,” Chrysalis growled, throwing her hooves up in the air.

She sat on her haunches, alone, her only companion a twisted purple log resting on a small rock before her. “Not only that,” continued the changeling, occasionally stroking the log idly. “I have suffered the disrespect of these three simpletons. They haven’t had the slightest idea of how to treat a queen properly.”

There was a quick rustle above Chrysalis' head, making her wince, and a heartbeat later something pink dashed before her eyes. The small filly stood right next to the changeling.

“Not you again,” said Chrysalis, turning away from the filly while jerking the log to her chest with a mist of her magic. “What do you want?”

“I have been thinking,” said Cozy.

“Are you sure that is entirely safe?”

“I think we had a kind of rocky start together, you know.”

“No kidding,” smirked Chrysalis. “You are as sharp as a box of paper clips.”

Cozy’s smile dropped for a heartbeat, then brightened again. “Grogar wants us to work together,” she said. “So I scheduled a team meeting.”

“What for?”

“So we could better understand each other.”

“I am sure that is pretty low on the list of my priorities right now,” sneered the changeling. “Besides, I am the queen, I don’t do ‘meetings’.”

“C’mon,” Cozy said, “it will be fun.”

“No!” Chrysalis snapped back, stopping at her tracks. “You have no bargaining power over me. There is nothing, nothing you could ever tell me to even consider participating in this meeting of yours!”

“Tirek will cook dinner for us.”

Sombra and Chrysalis were seated on opposite sides of the table. The stallion yawned and idly rubbed his belly, while the queen tucked the log under her crossed hooves. Cozy was flying above the villains' heads, tying up a piece of violet cloth to the stalactites. Tirek stood nearby and was preparing the last meal.

“Tirek, just out of curiosity,” said Chrysalis after a while, nodding toward Cozy. “How exactly did she convince you to be here?”

“My good friend Tirek is always happy to help,” the filly commented.

Chrysalis regarded Tirek for a brief moment. “That half-wit was giving you a hard time until you said yes, right?”

Tirek shrugged. “Details,” he grumbled.

“I think we can proceed with our first team meeting, friends!” Cozy said cheerfully. “We will work together very well soon enough!”

“I know I’m gonna regret asking this, but I’m gonna play along,” said Sombra. “How exactly is the idea of us working together becoming reality? I mean without some obscure brainwashing techniques.”

“That is easy,” the filly proclaimed cheerfully. “Our team’s relations expert is on it!”

Sombra studied the filly briefly. “Did Grogar summon another villain I’m not aware of?” Cozy frowned. “Oh,” said the stallion, grinning, “you were talking about yourself. That’s adorable.”

“Really?”

“No.”

Cozy let out a harsh breath. “Where is your armor, anyway?” she asked.

“Off, obviously,” Sombra replied. “It is actually quite unpleasant to try to sleep armored.”

The changeling arched an eyebrow at the gray stallion. “And your reason for being here is?” she growled, jerking a hoof at him.

“Well, you learn something new every day,” said the stallion after a few seconds. “And today I learned that my distaste for boredom is slightly stronger than my distaste for your company.”

Tirek stepped over to the table and sat the plate down on it. Sombra reached out and brought the plate closer. The stallion regarded the plate closely for a brief moment and then sniffed disdainfully.

It was crammed with crispy baked eggs and a wisp of roasted onions. The plate was accompanied by a cup filled with water.

Tirek caught Sombra's look. “What?” smirked the centaur. “Did you expect roasted beef on a mountain of caviar with a bottle of fine brandy? That’s too bad.”

Sombra snorted, his horn flashed, and a violet mist of his magic seized a scrap of the eggs. The stallion let eggs slide into his mouth and gulped.

“Fine,” declared Chrysalis sharply, “let us feed.”

Tirek winced, his eyes widening. He slowly turned his head to the changeling and regarded her for a few long moments.

“... you want to feed?” said the centaur after a while.

“Yes, I’m hungry,” Chrysalis replied flatly, jerking a hoof at the plate. “I will take some of these eggs.”

Tirek tilted his head to one side. “I thought you changelings feed on love.”

Chrysalis’s eyes twitched. “I’m talking about a physical hunger, you friggin’ moron!” the changeling snapped, baring her fangs.

The centaur rolled his eyes.

Chrysalis snorted, then turned to the plate before her. Green mist curled around the heap of eggs. A small bit was torn from it and then slipped into the changeling’ mouth. Chewing rhythmically, she occasionally flicked a glance at the other villains.

The next few seconds passed in silence, save for the faint flutter of Cozy’s wings.

Tirek drew a long breath. “And I thought my family meetings were awkward,” he muttered.

Cozy scratched her chin thoughtfully. “Well,” she cleared her throat, “I think friends should talk about their inner feelings.”

Sombra rubbed his forehead. “For crying out loud,” he mumbled softly, taking a few sips from his cup, “this is getting weirder every second.”

“Why don’t you go first?” said the filly cheerfully, gesturing at Chrysalis. Cozy fluttered her wings and landed on the table a few paces before the changeling. “How do you feel right now?”

Chrysalis blinked and plunged her body over the table. Her snout almost touched the filly’s face. “How do you think I’m feeling!” cried the changeling. “I’m ready to exact my revenge! Starlight Glimmer must pay for stealing my kingdom!”

The filly recoiled back, pushing Chrysalis’ plate to the side a little bit. “Now, don’t get me wrong,” the filly began with a smile, “I’m all for a good scheme, but look at this way. Revenge doesn’t have an expiration date. You don’t need to do it right now.”

“Don’t mock me, you wretch!” cried the changeling and abruptly slapped her cup, sending it flying through the air. It shattered against a wall with a sharp crack, its fragments clattering on the floor.

The queen straightened up and turned her snout gracefully to the purple log in her lap. “See?” she prompted softly. “It’s not healthy to hold all that rage.”

Tirek turned to the filly. “I told you that your plan will never get off the ground.” He smirked.

The filly dashed a few paces above the table. “Okay, I admit that wasn't the best start,” she mumbled.

“Tirek,” the filly said, smiling, “I want you to say something nice about Chrysalis.”

“Why should I?” growled the centaur.

“Because you promised.”

“I didn't promise a squat,” Tirek protested. “But fine. I will play along. Just to get this over with.” He cleared his throat and turned to Chrysalis. “You are an unpleasant, annoying, impulsive, violent, amoral old hag who is not as smart as she thinks she is.”

The changeling’s horn flared with green flame. “Who do you call old!”

“Tirek,” said the filly, scowling, “that wasn’t nice!”

“It was nice,” countered the centaur. “I mean, relatively. It could be much worse.”

Cozy massaged her temples. “You guys suck,” she groaned. “I prepared the banner and everything. Show some effort, please.” The filly jerked a hoof at the cloth above their heads. It was filled with crayon drawings resembling the faces of Grogar, Chrysalis, Sombra, and Tirek.

Chrysalis cocked an eyebrow. “And what that thing is supposed to be?” she croaked.

“That’s my inspirational banner!” said the filly cheerfully, gesturing at the piece of cloth again.

The changeling stared at her for a moment. “I beg your pardon?”

“Grogar said we have to learn how to work together,” Cozy declared. “So I needed to come up with something that would help us get along better, and nothing says teamwork like an inspirational banner!”

Chrysalis gazed upon the banner. “Well, don't take this the wrong way,” she said. “But this makes my eyes bleed.”

“Well,” Cozy began, scowling, “you wouldn’t recognize a good piece of art even if it hit you straight in the face.”

A burst of green flame sizzled through the room and two pieces of cloth flew downward, hanging by the stalagmites.

“My banner!”

“Not anymore.” The changeling chuckled.

“Hey!” Cozy shouted at her. “I spent like three hours making that banner.”

Chrysalis ran her hoof across the log in her lap. “My heart is flooding with sorrow for your troubles,” she commented, her chin leisurely leaned against her other hoof.

“You think you are so cool,” the filly pursed her lips and folded her hooves, “just because you're the queen!”

“Yes!” Chrysalis exclaimed. “I am queen, and I should not be dealing with the likes of you,” she said, eyeing the other villains.

Sombra sipped from his cup. He wiped his mouth as he set the cup back on the table. “Well,” he smirked, “we can hardly argue against the wisdom of the pony who talks to the piece of wood, now can we?”

“That's it!” snapped the changeling, leaping out of her chair and slamming both of her hooves on the table. “I’m gonna kick your brains out!”

Before she could lunge at him, a pair of red hands grabbed her from behind, pinning her hooves to her body.

Cozy hastily flew before Sombra, waving her hooves. “Could we have five minutes without trying to kill each other?”

Sombra drew a long breath, then let it out. “Fine. I'm calm now.”

“I’m not!” shrieked the changeling. “Come closer, and I will bite your face off!”

“Look, there is a better way to settle this!” Cozy shouted.

“I agree,” said the changeling, grinning. “Fight to the death in ritual combat!”

The filly blinked. “Or we could talk like reasonable adults,” she prompted.

“I don’t follow,” Chrysalis said, breathing deeply to steady herself.

Cozy rubbed her forehead and groaned.

A series of sharp clacks echoed through the room. The villains glanced over the source of sounds. A dark shape loomed from the shadows, revealing Grogar.

“I see that you didn’t make progress, not even a little bit,” declared the ram as he moved over to them with steady steps.

Tirek let go of Chrysalis, while Sombra stood in his chair, and Cozy flew near Tirek's shoulder.

“I suggest that you four,” said Grogar and pounded a hoof sternly on the ground, “will come to some kind of accord.”

The centaur snorted. “That’s easier said than done with these knuckleheads,” he said, gesturing at the other villains.

The corners of the ram’s mouth turned down. “You need to learn how to work together,” he declared. “Only then you will accomplish your greatest desires. The defeat of Twilight Sparkle and her friends.”

Sombra leisurely rubbed the back of his head. “If you say it like that,” he grumbled, “you make it sound like some unbelievable lucky fortune that you forced us into working on your whim.”

Grogar’s nostrils flared and he let out a harsh huff. “Do you still feel like opposing my plan?”

The stallion straightened up in the chair. “Your plan itself?” he pointed out flatly. “No. But an oversized goat pushing me around and ordering me whenever he feels like it? I oppose that so much.”

The ram groaned, baring his teeth and opening his jaw.

The centaur took a step forward before Grogar could say something. “Sombra here is maybe onto something,” Tirek began gruffly, eyeing the ram. “Maybe if you stop throwing your weight around and instead tell us about your plan, we could prepare better.” The centaur punctuated his words with a loud stomp on the floor.

“Assuming you even have one,” Sombra followed, his hoof hanging leisurely over the chair.

“Of course I have a plan,” countered the ram with a hint of irritation in his voice.

“Look,” Tirek said, “it’s not like I don’t appreciate that you busted us from Tartarus, but I’m starting to get a feeling you're not coming clean with us,” said the centaur, folding his arms. “I think you just want to boss us around to do your housework. You know, like helping with your groceries, doing your dishes, snuffing your personal rivals.” The centaur ran a finger through his hair and paused briefly. “That kind of stuff, but I seriously doubt that this is about Twilight Sparkle and her friends.”

“I thought that some time together will help you find common ground,” said Grogar. “But apparently not. Now I will use a different approach.” He lifted his head. “I located a great source of power, and it occurs to me that this is a perfect test,” he proclaimed with a wicked gleam in his eyes. “If you work together, then you should overcome this challenge.”

“Hmm,” Sombra muttered, “a great source of power? Maybe this is not going to be so bad, after all,” he mumbled quietly.

“You want us to work together and retrieve a powerful magic artifact?” Tirek asked. “That’s the stupidest idea in the history of stupid ideas I have ever heard in my entire life.”

Grogar's horns glittered with black-yellow energy.

“But I like it anyway!” added the centaur hastily.

Chrysalis stepped up forward.

“I have a thousand years of experience of military and espionage operations,” she declared, theatrically holding up a hoof. “Perhaps I should be the one to lead this mission.”

“Yeah, thousand years of experience and she still got owned by a school teacher,” Cozy snickered.

Tirek chuckled.

The changeling glanced over at the centaur. “Oh, are you saying I can’t lead?” she hissed.

“I don't have to say it when it’s completely obvious,” Tirek sneered, waving a hand dismissively. “You couldn't lead your way out of a paper bag.”

Chrysalis growled and buzzed before the centaur, jerking her hoof at his chest a couple of times. “I am a natural leader, and I conquered more countries before breakfast than you can count!”

“With your hive maybe,” Tirek smirked, folding his arms. “But right now you are lucky if you conquer a bowl of cereal.”

“Such disrespect,” the changeling said, scowling.

“Not everything is about you,” moaned the filly as she flew right before Chrysalis’ snout. “I’m a better villain than you. I almost erased all magic in Equestria. That was good!”

Tirek stepped forward, pushing the filly away with his hand. “Let the real deal handle this,” he proclaimed. “I absorbed all the magic of Equestria. I could feel it flow through my body. I was the strongest being in the world!”

“Yeah,” smirked the changeling, “right until a rainbow shower wiped your pants off.” A little smile crept on her face. “That had to be absolutely hilarious.”

Tirek huffed, his smile vanishing.

Sombra, lounging in the chair, furrowed his brow. “You guys are all a bunch of losers. I’m one of the most powerful wizards who ever walked the surface of Equestria,” the stallion declared.

Chrysalis arched her eyebrows. “Yeah, we all saw that first row seated,” she smirked. “You are such a lame wizard you couldn’t cast your own shadow.”

The stallion slid off the chair. “I managed to capture the Crystal Empire on my own. Then I raised an army to conquer the rest of Equestria.” He made a dramatic pause, then turned to the changeling. “And unlike the love-sucker here, I didn’t have to hide in wet caves.”

“Right up to the point when the princesses put your plans on ice,” Cozy smirked.

Everybody stared at her for a few long moments.

“Because, you know, the princesses literally sealed him in ice,” Cozy explained, a corner of her mouth twitching. “Sealed in ice. Put his plans on ice. Get it?”

Tirek scratched idly the back of his hair. Chrysalis clicked her tongue. “That was so lame.”

The pegasus frowned. “Screw you, guys,” she spat. “That was funny, and you know it.”

“I destroyed the Tree of Harmony!” snapped Sombra at the other villains. “None of you came even close to that.”

“That may be true,” said Tirek, stroking his beard. “But you still got your ass kicked by six schumacks just because they patted themselves on the back. So at the end of the day it was nothing but a big waste of time.”

Sombra narrowed his eyes. “Oh, I’m going to waste you soon enough.” He snorted.

“And the funniest part,” Chrysalis added with a malicious smile, “was when you begged for mercy, you crybaby.”

Sombra sniffed angrily. “I am starting to get tired of you--”

“Focus,” a rumbling voice cracked across the room.

All villains winced, then slowly turned to Grogar.

“Keep your mind on the matter,” the ram commanded. “You are gonna retrieve that artifact and bring it back to me.”

Sombra shook his head and narrowed his eyes. “Now, just wait one damn minute,” he said. The stallion took a few steps toward Grogar. “So, let me get this straight,” he began, staring right into Grogar’s eyes. “You summon us, start bossing us around, and threaten us with violence unless we fall in line. Then you proceed with a wonderful big speech about working together. This should include you as well since we are in this together.” Sombra took a brief pause. “But when it comes down to doing something, then we are going on the errand duty while you savor the pleasure of doing nothing?”

Grogar rubbed his forehead. “As I’ve already said,” he spoke after a few moments, “only if you work together you will have hope of defeating Twilight Sparkle.”

“You said that like ten times now,” growled Sombra. “But for some reason I can hardly believe that even one word coming from your mouth is meant in good faith.”

Grogar bared his teeth and one of his eyes twitched. “That’s enough!” he roared, slamming his hoof against the stone surface, his horns glittering with a black-yellow layer of magical energy, white sparkles flickering off it.

A wave of magic energy rippled through the air, surging over the villains and flinging them against the wall with a sharp smack, knocking the air from their lungs. The plates and cups cracked on the floor as they were thrown away.

As the bodies of the villains hit the wall, tendrils of Grogar’s magic clutched around their wrists and tightened, locking them in position a few feet above the floor. They were forced to stretch their arms to both sides, while their legs were left hanging in the air.

Chrysalis lifted her legs and leaned them against the wall behind her. The changeling gritted her teeth, putting more power into the push, repeatedly trying to thrust her body forward. She groaned with strain as the magical restraints pulled her back. “Let go, you stupid goat,” she hissed sourly.

“This is a mere exercise for me,” Grogar bellowed.

The changeling’s twisted horn flashed and green bolt whizzed across the room. The green haze of Chrysalis’s magic lashed at the ram’s head. A layer of energy deflected it with a sharp crack, the projectile sputtering into sparks. She winced and widened her eyes.

At the same time, Sombra sucked in a harsh breath, his horn gleamed, and a stream of black magic fizzled through the air, striking the ram’s head. Sombra’s magic slid off Grogar’s shield with a sharp hiss. The stallion let out a moan.

Tirek groaned, struggling to free himself, and tried to materialize a bright globe between his horns. A heartbeat later the centaur let the globe vanish as he saw the two attacks fail.

Cozy shook her head. “Please,” she moaned, “let us go!”

“Even with your combined power you cannot even think to compete with my power!” the ram shouted. “Understand?”

Grogar lifted his hoof and the magical restraints tightened. A few more painful groans echoed through the room.

He gazed steadily upon the villains. “Are you done with your tantrum?” he growled, his eyes cold.

The villains stopped writhing, then glanced around and finally began to nod their head vigorously.

“Yep!” cried the changeling, shuddering slightly.

“Okay!” Cozy supplied hastily.

“Good,” Grogar said bitterly with a cold smile.

The haze of Grogar’s magic dissipated into thin air, and all the villains slid from the wall and landed on their haunches with a heavy thump and cringed. After a few long moments they clambered to their hooves and slowly formed a line, standing side by side.

“This should help you to not forget your place,” the ram added grimly.

Tirek clutched his bruised wrists, massaging them.

“So,” the centaur began, licking his dry lips nervously, “you were saying something about assignments?”

“The goal of your mission used to be in possession of a great wizard, Scarlet Scar. He was a magnificent expert on magic in the pre-classic era. Not much as Starswirl himself, but still powerful enough.”

“While the wizard himself passed away a long time ago, his work didn’t,” Grogar said warily. “The seeds of his research were preserved to this day.”

The ram's smile widened. “The wizard possessed many ancient and mystical artefacts. The name of the one you are after is Eye of Sabrin. It is a source of great power.”

“But that power comes with a terrible price,” came a lower-pitched voice.

The voice drew the attention of everypony.

Cozy chuckled. “Sorry,” she squeaked as all eyes fell upon her. “I tried to make it sound more dramatic.”

Grogar cleared his throat loudly. “Moving on.”

“The castle is located in Grayhill Mountains,” he continued. “You are gonna search the mountains, locate the castle, overcome it’s defences, retrieve that artefact, and bring it back safely to me.”

Tirek frowned. “That sounds awfully like working for free,” he muttered softly.

“Now, you should prepare yourself,” the ram declared as he stomped to the exit. “You will go on the mission in the morning.”

The villains were staring fixedly at him until he disappeared. Chrysalis let out a harsh breath and surveyed the ground. The shards were littering the floor, accompanied by a few books thrown from the shelves. One jar was shattered into a pile of glass bits, a puddle spreading around it.

“Well, do you know what that means?” cheered Cozy after a few seconds. “We are going on an adventure! Together! Isn’t that awesome?”

Three pairs of eyes scowled at her. “Shut up,” growled the other villains in unison.