Doofus the goofus comes to snoofus your roofus

by TechnoNerd

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Narcotics, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Rarity, Random
Length: 1135

Hide yo kids, hide yo wife! He comes at dawn, something that rhymes with wife!

I have no idea what I'm doing.

Doofus the pony is a big goof that likes to sniff other ponies' rooftops for some reason.

For some other reason, they seem to be fine with that. Most of the time.

Tagged the way it is just in case. Don't sniff rooftops, people.

Published 2020-01-30 18:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-30 18:10:01 UTC

Those gosh-darn roof-sniffers are always up to no good!

Author's Note

what is this i don't even--

Those gosh-darn roof-sniffers are always up to no good!

"BOIS," Doofus kicked the door clean off its hinges, stomping (waddling?) into the saloon. Celestine the bartender who totally wasn't Celestia in disguise rolled her eyes and filled another cup with hot cocoa. Because that's what this saloon serves, apparently...

Ahem. What was happening? Oh, yes, Doofus making a commotion.

"BOIS," Doofus repeated, re-kicking down the door, "WE GON SNIFF SOME ROOFTOPS TODAY."

"OH YEAH, ROOFTOPS! I LOVE SNIFFING THOSE SHINGLES!" another pony cheered, rising from a table like the ominous hecker he was. "Ay Celestine! You wanna come sniff roofs with us?"

Celestine shook her head and continued to pretend that she didn't have to replace the door for the thirty-fifth time this week.

"Suit yourself. C'mon Doofus, let's go hit up Twilight's castle first! I heard Rarity helped polish up the place not too long ago!"

The rest of the saloon's customers cheered, following in the lead of Doofus and unnamed background pony #1360719.

And so we now skip over to a view of Twilight's castle. It looks like any other castle because it is a castle, except it's made out of crystal because it's Twilight's castle that she technically didn't really do anything to receive other than open a weird box thing so it's just kinda there now.

Also, it smells like marshmallows. Apparently.

"Rarity!" Twilight called, "Why did you use marshmallow air freshener again?"

Rarity didn't say anything because she was a marshmallow.

"Oh, silly Rarity!" Pinkie bounded past, opening the doors and unintentionally letting in the gang of roof-sniffers. "Oh, new ponies! INEEDTOGOANDTHROWABIGOL'WELCOMETOPONYVILLEPARTYNOWKTHXBAI!!!1!"

~~Celestia~~Celestine teleported in beside Twilight, her eyes set on the roof-sniffing equivalent to a D&D party.

"Who's that 'mallow over there?" Doofus grinned, pointing a hoof at marshmallow not-Rarity.

Well, there's the bard, at the very least.

"Don't call her mellow, she's Rarity!"

Nopony knew where that voice came from because nopony actually had their mouth open at the time. It was very much possible that the marshmallow was now haunted for whatever reason.

"HAUNTED MARSHMALLOW!" Doofus shrieked, chucking a ceiling tile at Raritymallow. "BROOMSTICK, GO!"

'Broomstick'-- that is, a scrawny unicorn who wore a paper bag as a hat, lit his horn and unleashed a fireball on Raritymallow. She was toast(ed).

"AIGHT. THE HAUNTED MALLOW IS DEFEATED. LET US SNIFF YOUR ROOF, FAIR LADY TWILIGHT."

"What."

Doofus took a bow, falling flat on his face in the process. "Eristhglifsch."

Raritymallow continued to sit there as a toasty mashmallow. The whereabouts of the real Rarity were unknown to Ponykind.

"We, the roof-sniffers of Chunguston, request formal, unlimited access to the roof levels of the castle of Princess Twilight of Equestria."

Doofus helped himself back to his hooves with the help of Broomstick. This also meant that the previous sentence was a lie, because he didn't help himself up-- Broomstick helped him up. But because that sentence also mentions that Broomstick helped him up, it means that it is also a lie that Broomstick helped him up. So in that case, which option was it? Did Doofus help himself up, or did Broomstick help him up? The world will never know.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MY PUPPETS?" the disembodied voice of Doofus the Elder God boomed, harassing the ears of all in the room and simultaneously chucking Doofus across the room. "I COMMAND YE, SNIFF THE ROOF."

So apparently, the correct choice is neither! Doofus was the puppet of a Lovecraftian eldrich god all along!

Doofus the Elder God relented at hearing the words of the author, and shrunk back into the body of Doofus the goofus pony.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--" Raritymallow suddenly began to screech. She shook from side to side, her outer toasted surface peeling off before ultimately exploding. Rarity checked her nonexistent watch, then looked at Twilight.

"Twilight!" she burst, no longer confined to the inside of a marshmallow, "In exactly three minutes, the cult of roof-sniffers will invade your castle, ruin your drapery, and sniff your roof!" she paused for a moment. "...darling."

Twilight cocked a brow, and fired it off as an intercontinental ballistic eyebrow.

"Don't you mean the ones who just stepped in not too long ago?"

Rarity's head snapped in the direction of the door. "Oh... oh, my--"

"THE ROOF! WE SHALL STORM THE CASTLE AND SNIFF THE ROOF!" Doofus commanded, raising a hoof. "NOPONY SHALL STAND IN OUR WAY! TEAR THE DRAPES OFF THE WALLS!"

"NOT THE DRAPES!" Rarity wailed, "ANYTHING BUT THE DRAPES! Oh, I must've timed the spell wrong!"

Meanwhile, Spike was spelunking with Barney the purple dinosaur because they were purple buddies. But that's beside the point.

"CHAAAAAAARGE!"

Doofus pulled a surfboard out of Broomstick's earhole and began to crowd-surf his way up the spiral staircase to the promised land of Twilight's castle's roof.

"Hey-- no, you can't do that! Stop!" Twilight shouted, taking off after the crowd. Rarity fainted on her fainting couch that came out of nowhere, while Pinkie disappeared into the Pinkie dimension.

For a ragtag group of roof-sniffers and memelords, the ponies Twilight chased were heckin' fast. Twilight lit her horn and teleported to the front of the group, standing right in front of Doofus.

"Out of our way!" Doofus shouted, throwing a can of soup at Twilight.

Predictably, the mare dodged the can, and proceeded to yeet the group out the window.

"Team Rocket's blasting off agaaaaaiii--"

"Wrong franchise, Doofus!"

"Right. Say, why are we floating instead of falling?"

"Cartoon physics. We'll start falling at any secoooooo--" Broomstick was the first to plummet. The rest of the group began to fall at an exponential rate.

"Wait, I have a spell!" Broomstick shouted, lighting his horn. "Spell of Lag!"

The group proceeded to rubber-band all the way back to the staircase, clipping partially into Twilight and as a result causing her to be ejected from the castle instead.

"Good thinking thee-e-e-eeee......e--" Doofus began to lag.

"Oop, sksksksksk," Broomstick reverted the spell, allowing the world to once again proceed smoothly. Also, for some odd reason he was now covered in hydroflasks from head to tail.

"Y'know, we could actually end this story right here, right now," Doofus mumbled through the fourth wall.

But we aren't ending the story just yet. They haven't even reached the roof! Do you really think this story is gonna end without the ending?

(pretend this chapter doesn't exist)

"Aw yiss, it's just like the Capri-Suns that my momma used to pack," Doofus smacked his face on a roofing shingle. "MMmmm. Good memories."

"Doofus, are you high?"

Doofus nodded. Except he wasn't high. It was all a placebo effect caused by a rumor that the crystals that made up Twilight's castle were psychedelic. They were actually inhaling asbestos.

The end.