“YO! Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkamena Diane Pie, known to all of Equestria as Pinkie Pie, had been happily prancing down the streets of Ponyville when she heard a familiar voice call to her. She turned to see one of her best friends, Rainbow Dash, flying towards her with a wrapped package.
“Hiya, Dashie!” Pinkie waved, and Rainbow landed next to her. “What’s in the box?”
“A surprise.” Rainbow held it out. “For you!”
Pinkie gasped. “Aww! Rainbow! Thanks so much!” She took the box from Rainbow and carefully undid the string. It slid down the sides., and Pinkie opened the box. Inside was a fresh raspberry pie, smelling delicious, like it had been baked that morning.
“Huh? Rainbow, I thought you hated pies!” Pinkie looked at Rainbow, confused.
“I do.” Rainbow shrugged, then blushed a little. “I do hate pies. However,” She chuckled. “I do like baking pies. I made this one just for you.”
Pinkie blushed. “Aw, thanks!” She took a knife out of the box and cut a slice, then bit into it. “Mmmm! This is delicious!” Suddenly, Pinkie felt a little strange, almost like she was falling asleep. “Huh? What’s… going…” She never finished her sentence. Pinkie had fallen asleep on the ground right in front of Rainbow.
Rainbow sighed and took a suitcase from behind a tree. Making sure nopony was around, she picked up Pinkie’s unconscious body and put it inside the suitcase. Closing the suitcase, Rainbow pulled it down the street, heading towards Sugarcube Corner.
********************
Pinkie awoke slowly, blinking groggily. As she looked around, she could see many different shapes in the dim light. She recognized a few of them. Why did this room remind her so much of Sugarcube Corner’s basement?
As her eyes adjusted, Pinkie noticed a pony’s silhouette in the darkness. Blinking rapidly, Pinkie called out, “Hello?... Is anypony there?”
A sound started echoing through the room, and it took Pinkie a while to recognize the sound as laughter. The pony smiled, and her teeth- no, fangs- appeared shiny and white in the dark. Pinkie gulped.
A faint click was heard, and suddenly the lights turned on. Pinkie blinked rapidly again, and the pony’s silhouette was more in focus. Pinkie gasped, now recognizing the pony she had seen in her nightmares on the day she figured out that Rainbow Dash hated pies. The pony was dark blue, with spiked ears and wings. Her mane and tail were neon rainbow, and she had Rainbow Dash’s familiar lightning-bolt-shaped cutie mark. However, this time the Rainbow Dash lookalike was wearing four shoes on each of her hooves, with patterns that looked sort of familiar to Pinkie. With a chill, Pinkie noticed familiar symbols on the shoes, such as a symbol of a shield with a lightning bolt in the middle – which she recognized as Scootaloo’s cutie mark – and a symbol of three apples – which she knew was Applejack’s cutie mark. Pinkie stared up at the Dash imposter.
“I, um… like your shoes?” Pinkie smiled, attempting to get on the pony’s good side.
The pony smiled. “Thanks! They’re made up of dead ponies’ cutie marks.”
Pinkie blinked. “Wait, what?”
“Yep!” The pony smiled again. “That’s my job. My name is Pie Hater Dash, and I turn ponies into pies. Then I sell them, or give them to my friends.”
Pinkie gasped. “So that pie I ate…”
“Was once one of our friends.” Pie Hater Dash smiled. “By the way, I’m actually Rainbow Dash. This is just the form I use when I’m doing my job.”
“Which friend?” Pinkie asked, trying to ignore the fact that Rainbow Dash was actually part demon pony. Then she realized something: the tightness around her hooves existed. She looked down, and noticed for the first time that she was tied up on a block of stone.
“Oh, a certain flightless filly.” Pie Hater smiled with a wistful look in her eyes. “I actually regret killing her. She was a great friend of mine, treated me like a sister.”
Pinkie started tearing up. “You… killed… Scootaloo?”
Pie Hater nodded. “Yep! But don’t worry. She didn’t feel anything in her final moments, I promise. But enough about Scootaloo. Let’s talk about you.”
“Me?” Pinkie thought for a second. “Okay. My name is Pinkie Pie, and I grew up on a rock farm. I work at Sugarcube Corner, and I’m the Element of Laughter. I also-“ Pinkie was cut off as Pie Hater shoved her hoof into her mouth.
“NO!” Pie Hater yelled. “DON’T YOU GET IT?! You’re next! It’s your time to die!”
Pinkie did the only rational thing to do in that situation. She screamed, and Pie Hater shoved her hoof into Pinkie’s mouth again.
“Now shut up.” Pie Hater took out a large knife, and positioned it near Pinkie’s flank. “Your cutie mark will make a great addition to my shoes.” Without hesitating, she stuck the knife into Pinkie’s flank and started carving a square around her 3-balloon cutie mark.
Pinkie screamed, trying to ignore the pain in her flank, but was failing miserably. She couldn’t believe something like this was actually happening. Suddenly, the pain ceased for a second, and Pie Hater held up a bloody square of pink flesh.
“Done!” The blue demon pony smiled, and set the square down on a cart nearby. “Now it’s time for the real fun.”
Pinkie perked up despite herself. “Fun? What kind of fun?”
Pie Hater Dash smiled at Pinkie. “You’ll see.” She took a marker and drew a line right down the center of Pinkie’s torso.
“What’s that for?” Pinkie asked.
Pie Hater picked up the knife again and positioned it above the line. “This.” Then she cut right down the line.
Pinkie screamed and felt herself tearing up. She started crying. Pie Hater was laughing, and as she finished cutting she opened up Pinkie’s stomach and took out her intestine.
“Look! I’m Rarity!” Pie Hater said, as she wrapped Pinkie’s intestine around her neck like a scarf. “Isn’t my new scarf soooopretty?” She laughed. “I look like I’m going to a fancy party, don’t I, darling?”
Pinkie sobbed. “Why are you doing this?”
“Because!” Pie Hater said, then frowned. “Actually, that’s not really true.” She put Pinkie’s
intestine in a bucket next to her, then reached back into Pinkie’s body. “I do this because it’s my job. Didn’t I tell you that? No matter how scary and disgusting it may seem, somepony’s got to do it.” Pie Hater took out Pinkie’s gallbladder, her hooves coming out covered with blood. “Won’t be needing this anymore.”
Pinkie tried squirming, but found she didn’t have the strength. That was when Pie Hater attached something to the clamps. She stepped back, and pressed a button.
A jolt of electricity ran through Pinkie, shocking her entire system. The smell of burnt flesh wafted through the air. She felt like crying again, but didn’t feel like she could.
“Ah, that’s better! Can’t have you falling asleep during the show!” Pie Hater said, then removed the clamps. She went over to an oven and preheated it. “Now for the final step!”
Pinkie looked at Pie Hater. Could this really be her last moments? Tied up to a stone slab with her best friend going crazy? “Pie Hater? What’s, um… the final step?” She didn’t really want to know, but she felt like she had to know.
“The final step? Well, I could just rip out your heart and end it all, but that wouldn’t be as much fun, now would it?” Pie Hater smiled at Pinkie. “No, the final step is THIS!” And with a slash through the air with the knife, Pie Hater cut off the top of Pinkie’s skull and part of her ear as well. Pinkie screamed.
“Oh, wait a minute. That’s actually NOT the final step.” Pie Hater smiled sheepishly. “Sorry about that.”
The blood from the top of Pinkie’s head was running into her eyes, and Pinkie could barely see. Pie Hater picked up Pinkie’s decapitated mane and tacked it onto the wall.
“A memento!” Pie Hater said, seeing Pinkie’s eyes roam towards it. “To remind me of the best day ever.”
“Best… day… ever?” Pinkie was confused. “I thought winning the Best Young Flyer’s competition was the best day ever.”
“Oh yeah! It was! But now this is!” Pie Hater said. “Do you know why?”
“No.” Pinkie stated bluntly.
“Well…” Pie Hater looked sad for a moment. “I felt like this while I was making Applejack’s pie too. I hate it when my friends get chosen! But seeing it was you? Well, I was happy!”
“You… wanted me dead?!” Pinkie sounded indignant, even though she knew she was weakened.
“Of course not!” Pie Hater gasped. “I was happy because it would be just me and you, together. Of all the ponies in Equestria, I would be the lucky pony to be with you during your final moments!”
“Oh.” Despite herself, Pinkie felt happy that it was Rainbow Dash that was here with her. “I… I gotta say, I agree.”
“You… do?” Pie Hater said, surprised. Then she looked angry. “Celestia dang it, Pinkie Pie! I’m trying to kill you here! Stop causing me to rethink!”
“Well, you still could.” Pinkie said, smiling sadly. “But I’m guessing it wouldn’t do much good, considering that my head and torso are cut open.” She coughed suddenly, and blood spurted out of her mouth. A few drops hit Pie Hater. “Oops. Sorry.”
“Pinkie?” Pie Hater looked at the pink pony sadly. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure.” Pinkie said. “What?”
“Did you… like me?” Pie Hater asked.
“Huh?” Pinkie was confused. “Of course! You were my best friend!”
“No.” Pie Hater said. “As… more than.”
“Well…” Pinkie blushed. “I think so. Yes.”
Pie Hater blushed too. “Now I feel even worse about what I’m going to do. I just had to know.”
Pinkie lifted her head a little, for that was all she could do. Her strength was slowly fading. “Dashie?”
“Yes Pinkie?” Pie Hater bent down, and Pinkie kissed the blue pony on the muzzle. Then her eyes rolled back, and Pinkie fell silent.
Pie Hater started crying. The oven beeped, but nopony heard. The only sound was tears hitting the floor for a solid seven minutes.
Then Pie Hater realized the oven had beeped. “Oh geez!” The demon pony jumped up and sadly prepared Pinkie’s pie. First went the body parts, then the flesh, then finally a few spices and fruits. Into the oven it went, and as Pie Hater waited, she thought back to all the fun times she’d had with Pinkie.
Stopping Nightmare Moon.
Defeating Discord.
Pranking ponies.
Visiting the Crystal Empire.
Being bridesmaids at Princess Cadance’s wedding.
Seeing Twilight become a princess.
Kicking butt of those vines.
Rainbow Powering up to defeat Tirek.
Meeting Pinkie’s sister, Maud.
Getting their cutie marks back from Starlight Glimmer.
Meeting Pinkie as Pie Hater Dash in her mind.
Chillaxing in the castle.
Being plain awesome.
Pranking ponies again.
And most recently, teaching at the Friendship School.
Pie Hater heard the oven beep, indicating that the pie had finished. She took it out of the oven and began to frost. Pink, of course. With a blue diamond on the top. She decided not to do Pinkie’s cutie mark because then her next target might wonder why she didn’t give it to Pinkie.
She felt that familiar tingle, and looked down to see herself revert to her normal form as Rainbow Dash. She picked up the pie, and flew off. Rainbow knew exactly who to give this pie to.
Now she just had to find the pony. Rainbow wondered to herself: Where would Rarity be at this hour?
Author's Note
Okay, true story, I actually cried while writing this.
