Three Powerful Sorceresses (and Trixie) Walk into a Bar
“Oh, good, Starlight’s here. We can get started.”
Sunset sat next to Twilight on a plush purple sofa. Twilight’s study in Canterlot was grand and opulent, the walls lined with a gaudy velvet velour.
“Starlight! You made it.” Twilight got up and gave Starlight a hug, guiding her to the loveseat opposite the table from Sunset. “Ignore the decoration; nopony listened to me when I said I wanted something simple. Something something ‘you’re the princess!’ something.”
“Oh, it’s fine. You should see what Trixie did to the counselor’s office.”
Twilight raised an eyebrow as she sat down again.
“And speaking of Trixie… I hope you don’t mind, but–”
“Hello, Princess Twilight.”
Trixie stood at the doorway wearing a mischievous grin.
“Trixie! Hi! I didn’t expect you to be here.” Twilight leaned closer to Starlight, whispering, “I thought it was going to be just us.”
“Yeah, but–”
“Where there is booze, there is the Great and Powerful Trixie, and where there is the Great and Powerful Trixie,” she said, pausing to lift her cloak, “there is booze.” Under her cloak were myriad bottles of tequila, vodka, whiskey, mezcal, absthine… so far as Twilight could see, the only item under her cloak that wasn’t booze was a pouch of smoke bombs.
“Do you always carry those with you?”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie never goes anywhere without her tequila.”
“I was talking about the smoke bombs.”
“The–”
Starlight cut her off. “Trixie insisted on coming, and on bringing her collection of booze. And y’know, I figured, ‘free booze,’ heh, right?” She sighed. “Also I’ve kiiiiiinda been blowing her off trying to get the school running with me as Head Mare.”
“Pfft, don’t worry about it. If she’s anything like the Trixie from my world–”
“Like the who now?”
“–then I’m sure she’ll be fun.”
“I’m right here. I can hear you talking about me! What was that about ‘the Trixie’ from where?”
Starlight pulled Trixie towards the couch and gestured to Sunset. “Trixie, this is Sunset. From the human world. I told you about her, remember?”
Trixie looked skeptical. “Riiiiiiight…”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Ahem. Well, in any case, I’m happy to have you here, Trixie. It’ll be good to have an expert in the room.”
“What are you all doing here? I heard booze and jumped on the train with Starlight. I even brought the good stuff.” Trixie waved a fancy bottle near Starlight’s face.
“Being a princess, I haven’t exactly had much time to ‘cut loose.’ I was talking to Sunset through the journal and when I mentioned that I’d never had a drink, she insisted on being there for my first drink.”
“And I volunteered to be the sober one in the room,” added Starlight.
“You what?! Then what did Trixie bring the good tequila for?”
“You brought it for our friends? We have three of the most powerful unicorns in Equestria in the same room; it’s the responsible thing to do.”
“Ugh, fine.” Trixie begrudgingly set the bottle on the table. She set her cloak on the table, then quickly pulled it away to reveal a perfectly sorted line of bottles, arranged from least to most alcohol by volume. After a quick clap from the others, Trixie sat down with Starlight as Sunset added a six-pack of hard cider at the lighter end of the table.
“Ragin’ Apples cider. You talk about Applejack’s family cider all the time.” Sunset said, looking at Twilight.
“Oh, and I brought regular cider for you.” Twilight lifted a small keg from behind her sofa and floated it over to Starlight.
“Thanks.”
“Alright, Trixie will get us started.” Trixie slammed a hoof on the table, where a set of shot glasses had appeared out of nowhere. “Twilight, you take a cider. Sunset, you take a shot of… whatever, and Starlight can have a mug of cider.” She looked away from Starlight as she lobbed a mug filed from the non-alcoholic keg. “We can do something simple, like ‘Most Likely.’”
“Most likely to what?” Twilight looked at Sunset, confused.
“Exactly! Trixie and I can show you.” Sunset gestured toward Trixie, directly opposite Twilight. “Most likely to secretly be a human?”
“You, right?” Twilight pointed with a wing at Sunset.
“Sunset, mhmm,” nodded Trixie.
“I say Twilight. I’ve seen more than one human Twilight before.”
“So that’s two for me. Now, I drink.” Sunset downed her shot, the anejo Trixie had waved in front of Starlight.
“Hey! Sip Trixie’s good stuff.”
Sunset broke into laughter. “Try saying that again, but think about it this time.”
“Sip Trixie’s… oh. Very funny.” Trixie poured herself a shot from a much simpler-looking bottle. “By the way, you and Twilight will be taking sips.”
“Trixie, I know how to drink. I’m just not drinking tonight.”
“Oh. Trixie is intrigued. She's never seen you drink before.”
“Maybe next time.”
Twilight took a sip of her cider. "That's pretty good."
Sunset winked. "That's what they say about me. Why don't we let Twilight pick the next question?"
"Alright. Most likely to get married first? I vote Sunset."
"What?"
"I've seen the way you look at Sci-me. And also me sometimes."
Sunset face briefly matched her hair. "What? No, that's not what that is, no."
"See?"
"Yeah, well… I say Starlight."
"What? I'm not even seeing anypony."
“From the way Twilight talks mmblfmlpl–” Sunset’s jaws clamped shut, held in place by Twilight’s magic. Twilight frantically shook her head, silently pleading with Sunset.
Sunset’s jaw dropped. “You gotta be kidding me.”
“Kidding her about what? Twilight, are you talking to her about me?”
“What? No. Well, yes, but only as my former student!”
“Relax, it wasn’t anything too embarrassing,” added Sunset.
“Alright. Wait, wha–”
“Trixie agrees with Sunset.” Trixie was idly sipping from a glass of cider next to her shot glass. Shot glasses. Trixie had prepared several rounds ahead, apparently.
“Trixie! You and I hang out all the time, when would I have met somepony?!”
“Perhaps Trixie knows you better than you know yourself.”
“What are you saying?”
“Perhaps Trixie knows you better than Trixie knows Trixie!”
“What? Have you had too much already?”
“Trixie has not yet begun to drink!” Trixie double-hooved her cider and one of the shot glasses. She spat some out, coughing. “Oh, that was a terrible combination.”
“...If you say so.”
“I also agree with Sunset.” Twilight’s voice was meek.
“Twilight, what the hay?”
“I’m so sorry!”
“What have you been talking to Sunset about?”
Sunset clapped. “That’s 3 for Starlight. Starlight, drink!”
Starlight took a small sip from her mug of plain, regular cider. Trixie was unamused.
“Seriously, what–”
Twilight cut Starlight off. “Your turn to ask!”
“Fine. But we are talking about this later.” Starlight downed the rest of her mug while glaring at Twilight. “Most likely to be the ruler of Equestria.”
“You can’t just say things that are true! Can she?” Twilight looked to Sunset in desperation.
“It’s a low blow, but I say it’s fair game. That’s you, obvs.”
“Trixie also picks Twilight.”
Starlight perked an eyebrow, her gaze never wavering. Twilight, defeated, took a big sip of her drink.
“Well, that means it’s my turn. Most likely to cause an international incident.”
“Isn’t that you again?”
“Sunset’s right, you are the leader of Equestria.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“Trixie has already caused an international incident. So Trixie.”
“Ugh, Sunset’s right, I am the most likely to cause an international incident.” Twilight took a long swig from her mug. It was only a quarter full at this point.
Sunset patted Twilight’s shoulder. “That’s what you’ve got us for, remember?”
“Yeah.”
“Now pick the next question.”
“Fiiiine. Most likely to be a secret lesbian.”
“Trixie,” volunteered Starlight.
“Trixie is not a secret lesbian.” Twilight facehooved.
“Fair point.”
“I say Starlight.”
Sunset remarked, “That’s true, you never told me about her being with anyone before. Starlight.”
Trixie was quiet… for Trixie. She loudly drank another mug of cider.
“What’s so secret about me?” protested Starlight.
“Well, I’ve never heard you talk about anyone, but I’ve definitely seen you staring at my ass.”
“I was not staring!”
Sunset raised an eyebrow.
“Ok, fine, it’s a nice ass! But it’s not a secret that I’m into mares. And human females. Apparently.” Starlight blew bubbles into her drink, staring into space. “And besides, Sunset’s actually been with a male.”
“You told her about that?” Sunset looked at Twilight, indignant.
“I talk to you about each other!”
“Wait, if you told me that, what have you told Sunset?!”
“Haha, that’s funny, Starlight, anyways I think you have to drink now!”
Starlight downed her cider. “Ok. Be the bigger mare, Starlight.”
“Especially with that ass.”
“Sunset, please, it was one time.”
“Trixie has never noticed you looking at her ass, Starlight.”
“What?”
“Just pick a question.” Trixie was now on her fifth drink. “Challenge.”
“Superlative.” Twilight was beaming.
“Superwhatnow, whatever.”
“Most likely to have a crush on Sunburst.”
“Twilight.” The three unicorns answered in unison.
“What I do not–”
“I was there. I watched you two nerdgasm over antiques for hours. Now drink.”
“What about you?!”
“Ew, he’s like my brother!”
Sunset sipped on her own mug of cider. “Never even thought about it?”
“I didn’t say that.”
Sunset giggled, turning back to Twilight. “Yeah, Twi, it’s you.”
“Sunset, no!”
“You’ve talked about him like 20 times in the last week alone. You’re either crushing on him or really obsessed with the new Vice Head Stallion.”
“Fine! You know what?” Twilight finished off her mug. “There! Wait, wasn’t this full a minute ago?”
“Yeah, I saw you were low. Why?”
Twilight’s mug was empty.
“Uh oh.”
“What does ‘uh oh’ mean?”
“It means… nothing. Let’s keep playing.”
“Sunset, what does ‘uh oh’ mean?”
“Your turn!”
Twilight refilled her mug. Starlight put hers down.
“Seriously, Twilight, just make a move.”
“What if he says no?”
“Do you know what he talked about for days after we went to that shop together? You. How much you had in common, and blah blah blah ‘you’re the prettiest pony in Equestria.’”
“He said that?”
“Multiple times.”
Twilight looked away, sipping her drink.
Sunset drank a shot. “I gotta keep up. Maybe we should try something else next.”
“I vote we talk about Twilight’s love life. Sunset, yours and mine are apparently fair game.” Starlight’s voice had a thin venom about it.
“I am so in.”
Twilight covered her face with her wings. “I vote for not this!”
“Trixie also votes for not this.”
“She doe–you do?” asked Sunset.
“Trixie feels this type of teasing has played itself out. For now.”
“Alright, fine.”
An hour later, and all but Starlight were feeling more than a little tipsy. It had taken almost a full bottle of her cheap booze to get Trixie noticeably drunk, but Starlight cut her off when she leaned forward to grab another drink and ended up putting her horn through the table.
“It’s fine, we got lots of tables here.” Twilight was slurring her words. “Watch this. Hey, guards!”
A few moments later, two royal guardponies entered. “Your highness.”
“We need a new table. This one’s got a hole in it.”
“Yes, your highness.” The stallion and mare carried Twilight’s old table out of the room, setting the drinks on the side tables. The remainder of the cider was poured into the almost empty keg of non-alcoholic cider.
“Et voila.”
“Breaking out the Prench?”
“Sunset, I’m offended! You know I speak Prench.”
Sunset shrugged. “Let’s play ‘Never Have I Ever.’”
“Oh, I know this one! I’ll go first. Never have I ever had a crush on my best friend.”
Trixie and Sunset drank.
Sunset looked at Starlight. “No for you?”
“I was a little… busy… before I came to Ponyville.”
“Fair enough.”
“So you and Twilight?”
“Not your Twilight.”
“I’m not your best friend?” Twilight looked like she was going to cry.
“It’s complicated! And you technically are, but also other you.”
“Fine.”
Starlight looked at Trixie, confused. “Trixie, you never told me about any friends before you met me.”
“There’s a reason for that. Never have I ever–”
“What’s weird about telling me that?”
“–slept with another species.”
“Oh, fuck you.” Sunset downed another shot.
“Sunset, you what? With who?” Twilight was shocked.
“Definitely not Flash Sentry and definitely not Trixie.”
“There’s my name again! What is she talking about? Trixie thinks she would remember sleeping with someone, which she has done many times.”
Starlight raised her brow. “You have?”
“Uh, yes, before we met. Lots of ponies.”
"Really? I never would have guessed."
Trixie’s eyes narrowed. "What exactly does that mean?"
"Nothing! It's just, when we met, you were on the road all the time, and I figured you'd never have time or anything. Not that there's anything wrong with that!"
Twilight gesticulated wildly. "Are you two ignoring Sunset saying she fucked Flash?"
"Twilight, I don't know who that is."
"Neither does Trixie."
"He's this… guy, back in the human world and I 'dated' him back during my, uh, evil phase. Needed a popular guy to stay popular!" Sunset punctuated the last sentence with a chuckle.
"So you fucked him?" Twilight's voice was slurred and angry.
"Yes. Why are you so upset?"
"I'm not upset!"
"But yeah, I figured it'd be easy to get him to pay attention that way, and I was curious about what fucking as a human was like."
"What was it like?" Starlight looked intently at Sunset.
"Well… a lot like sex with a stallion, I guess. Except I had these big jiggly things on my chest that kept moving, it was weird."
"Oh, yeah, I remember those." Starlight placed her hooves on her upper torso, as if trying to cover something.
"Man, that was some weird shit. First of all, Flash is a terrible kisser, and he only lasted, like, two minutes."
"I really don't need to hear this."
"Shut up, Twilight. The Great and Powerful Trixie requires details."
"It felt… like normal sex, I guess? Except humans can fuck like…" Sunset tried straddling the couch, but kept falling off. "They call it 'reverse cowgirl?'"
"That's a weird name. Do humans have sex with cows?"
"That's the thing, they don't! The cows aren't sapient there. I don't get where the name comes from."
Twilight made noises, trying to cover up Sunset’s coital confession.
"So anyways, he and I are right about to finish–they call our normal position ‘doggy style’, by the way–in the normal position, when suddenly he goes in deep and screams 'and BOOM goes the dynamite!'"
"He what?" Twilight was mortified.
"No fucking joke! He says that, and I really hate to admit it, but I came right after he did.” Sunset gazed into the distance. “I've been wondering what that says about me since."
"He what?!"
"And that's not even the worst part."
Trixie and Starlight had both leaned in as close as they could. Twilight tried to meld with the couch to escape.
"I whinnied."
Trixie looked confused. "What's weird about that?"
Sunset didn’t miss a beat. "Humans don't whinny, Trixie. That's strictly a horse and pony thing back home. Back there."
Starlight was crying laughing. Twilight downed a shot of vodka.
"The burn will help me forget…"
"Come on, Twilight, you know you just want Sunburst to do that to ya."
"I do not want anypony yelling 'boom goes the dynamite' while they are inside me, thank you!"
"Oh, fuck, I just imagined it." Starlight filled her mug from the cider keg as she held a hoof to her face. "I don't need that mental image. I could have gone my whole life without that and been happy."
Starlight leaned back into the couch. "So… which is better? Ponies or humans?"
"Ponies. Or maybe Flash was just terrible."
Trixie went next. "Wait, what about the time you banged me? Other me? Whatever that means."
"Yeah, human you, that was… interesting and we definitely don't need to go into it."
"Trixie demands there be answers."
"Well, I know you're a bit of a screamer–"
"Trixie demands there be no more answers."
"And there we go. Now let's never talk about this again! It's my turn anyways."
"Give us your best shot." Starlight gulped down her mug.
"Never have I ever… been arrested."
Starlight and Trixie drank. No one was surprised.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie did some things she wasn't proud of to get by."
"What types of things?"
"Oh, fireworks dealing, the like."
"What about you?"
"I got caught leaving a bunch of copies of my… manifesto at a bookstore."
"That doesn't sound illegal."
"Well, it was the middle of the night and I probably shouldn't have kicked the door down."
"Ooh, that does sound illegal! Also, you wrote a manifesto?"
"She sure did!"
"Twilight. No."
Twilight leaned over to Sunset, whispering loudly, "I'll send you a copy later."
"Don't you dare. I could swear I burned every copy of that thing."
"You know I wouldn't let all copies of a published work burn!"
"Published? I didn't publish that thing."
"I find it in bookstores all the time! The Royal Library has a bunch of copies. There's one on my shelf right there! See?"
Starlight glanced at the shelf. Eyeing her target, she zapped the manifesto with her magic, turning it into a pile of ash.
"No! How could you?"
"I'll find every copy of that thing and burn it! Nopony can stop me!"
"I stopped you before!"
"Yeah, but that's because what I was doing was wrong and I knew it!"
"And this isn't wrong?"
"This is what society needs, Twilight! It doesn't need another evil me."
"Trixie would be fine with another you."
"That's very sweet, Trix, but not the time."
Trixie shrugged and gestured at Starlight, looking at Sunset. Starlight went next.
"Never have I ever… had a crush on a teacher."
"Does a head mare count as a teacher?"
"Sure, Trixie, but how many of those have you… oh, I see…" Starlight gave a knowing look in Twilight’s direction, winking at Trixie. Trixie rolled her eyes and drank.
Twilight and Sunset both drank; Starlight noticed. "Wait, don't tell me you two–"
"What? She's big and hot! She's got a sun on her ass, and I know you like that."
"One time! What about you, Twilight?"
"I was little! It was nothing!"
"Sure it was."
"Starlight!"
Everyone but Twilight laughed.
Another hour passed. The table had been replaced. Trixie, Twilight, and Sunset were all properly drunk, while Starlight had only just noticed something.
"Oh, shit, I've been drinking the alcoholic cider."
Trixie shot up from the sofa, where she'd been lying next to Starlight. "Does this mean you don't have to be sober anymore?"
"I shouldn't get drunk…"
"Come on, Starlight, what's the worst that could happen?"
"I already nearly destroyed the world sober once!"
"It's not like you'll do that again."
Sunset floated a shot glass of absinthe over to Starlight after stirring in a bit of sugar. "Come on, might as well. This'll get you caught up nice and fast."
"Sunset, you know this is a terrible idea."
"Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug…" Everyone chanted at Starlight.
"Okay, fine! But if this goes south, I'm not getting blamed for this." Starlight downed the shot and coughed. "Fuck, this is strong."
Trixie floated a shot of malt liquor to Starlight. It danced with the grace of a rhino through the air under the drunk unicorn's control. Starlight downed the second shot.
Finally, Twilight lifted two shots. One for Starlight, and one for herself. Down they went.
"Oh, fuck me, this is a bad idea."
"I'm gonna do it!"
"No, Starlight… don't go…"
"I'm gonna go back in time and save disco!"
"Do you mean 'Discord?'"
"I know what I said." Starlight and Twilight were barely coherent. Trixie had at some point fallen asleep on Starlight, while Sunset was singing some human song.
"Wait, Starlight is leaving? The Drunk and Dependent Trixie protests."
"Come on, Trix, you're coming with me!"
"Mmm. I protest less."
Sunset stopped singing. "See, there it is. You can talk in the first-person."
"The Great and Inebriated Trixie has many affections."
"Yeah, I can see that. I think Starlight can, too."
"Don't you mean 'affectations?'"
"Shut up, Twilight."
"Be nice, Trixie."
Trixie turned on Starlight. "Oh, I'll be nice. I'll throw you another picnic, and bake more cakes, and tell you why I love you. How's that?"
"Yeah, see, those are all nice things."
"Are you two seriously not a couple?"
"A couple of besties!" Starlight pulled a grumpy Trixie close.
"That’s it! Trixie will show you what Trixie means in a way not even Trixie could misunderstand!"
Trixie pulled Starlight into a long, deep kiss. Starlight's eyes went wide as dinner plates. Like a heaping plate of lengua, it was sloppy, juicy, and there was tongue everywhere. Sunset cheered and Twilight clapped and hollered. Starlight tapped out, gasping for air.
"Wait, what the fuck–you–I–how long have–who–what–why are you so hot all of a sudden?"
"Trixie has always been hot! And you are the most oblivious pony I've ever met!"
"B-but the–"
"Big gay picnic?"
"And the–"
"Big gay cake?"
"What about the–"
"Big gay declaration of love in the middle of the town square? Trixie has not exactly been subtle." She looked at Sunset. "See what I'm working with?"
"How long have you–"
"Now that I think about it, she said something about her heart breaking 'into a million pieces' when you had that fight the day you met," recalled Twilight.
Starlight looked at Trixie, who shrugged. "How did I not notice any of that? I am so sorry."
"Eh, I probably should have made it clear sooner."
"Fucking finally, you have no idea how long Twilight has been talking about you two."
"Wait, was I the only one who didn't notice?"
Twilight looked away. "Maaaaaybe."
“I… need a minute.” Starlight slumped into the sofa, dazed and confused.
“Looks like those two are making out well.”
Sunset pointed to the opposite couch, where Starlight and Trixie had been making out for several minutes. “What do you say, Twilight? Wanna join in?”
Twilight was smashed, her words slurred, knees weak, hooves heavy. If not for Sunset making her drink some water, there would have been vomit on the velour already. “No, you don’t want me, you want Sci-Twi. What does she have that I don’t?!”
“Twilight, it’s not like that! I like both of you!”
Twilight ran out of the room crying.
“Twilight, come back!” Sunset ran after her, only briefly turning back to tell the newly-minted couple to stay in the room. If they heard Sunset, they didn’t acknowledge her.
It had been a long time since Sunset lived in Canterlot, and the layout of the palace was unfamiliar. She chased Twilight through corridor after corridor. They ran for what felt like an eternity before Twilight finally stopped. Sunset was terrified at where she’d decided to end the chase.
“Twilight, come down from there!”
“No!”
Twilight was perched atop the highest spire on the castle grounds. Sunset scrambled up after her. However, without wings, it was impossible to get close.
“Twilight, seriously, this is really dangerous!”
“I’m gonna jump!”
“We can talk about this!”
“Here I go!”
“No, don’t–”
She jumped. Sunset watched Twilight tumble past her… for a few moments. Before Sunset could scream, Twilight opened her wings and flew back to Sunset, picking her up. They landed on a nearby balcony.
“See? Can Sci-Twi do that?”
“Twilight, what the mphm?!” Twilight cut Sunset off with a kiss.
“WOOHOO!”
“But you were crying, a-and I thought you were gonna kill yourself, and–”
“What? I have wings, dummy.”
“But I–” Another kiss. This time, Twilight wrapped her wings around Sunset.
“Now that we’ve established who the superior Twilight is... what was that about making out?”
Sunset shrugged, and the two tumbled through the door into what Sunset assumed was Twilight’s room. Twilight closed the door behind them.
Later that night, guards investigated a loud whinny that echoed throughout the castle, but no one could find the source.
Starlight lifted an ice pack to her forehead. “We are never doing this again.”
“Relax, Starlight. Everything worked out in the end.” Trixie lay in Starlight’s lap. While Starlight nursed a terrible hangover, Trixie seemed completely unaffected. Starlight winced as the door to the study swung open and hit the wall with a thud.
“How’d you two make out?” asked Starlight as Sunset and Twilight walked in.
“As well as you two did, I think,” replied Sunset. Twilight rubbed the back of her neck, blushing.
Starlight chuckled awkwardly. “Well, Trixie and I talked about some things.”
“Trixie wouldn’t refer to most of that as talking.”
“Shut up, you. But yeah, we’re gonna give this,” she said, pointing back and forth between herself and Trixie, “a shot. What’s the worst that could happen, right?”
Twilight and Sunset both perked an eyebrow at Starlight.
“Oh, don’t answer that.”
Sunset segued. “So… same time next week?”
“No.”
To Starlight’s horror, Twilight and Trixie enthusiastically nodded. Sunset put a hoof to Starlight’s nose. “Looks like the ‘ayes’ have it. Don’t worry, Starlight, it’ll be fine. It’s like you said.
“What’s the worst that could happen?”
Author's Note
Mom's spaghetti.
