Real Movie Expertise

by Strawberry Sunrise

Rating: everyone
Tags: Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random, Discord, Crossover
Length: 2371

Gregg Turkington tries to find proof that "Star Trek II" took place in San Francisco.

Gregg Turkington tries to find proof that Star Trek II took place in San Francisco.

An On Cinema crossover.

Published 2020-01-31 01:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-01-31 01:20:01 UTC

An Inconvenient Truth

“Why are you doing this again?” Gregg said, exasperated. “Star Trek II...took place...in San Francisco.”

“No. It didn’t.” There was a pause. “Look, Gregg, Dekkar is meeting in ten minutes. Just look it up!” Tim yelled, and hung up.

Gregg put down his cell phone and ran his hand through his hair in irritation. No matter how many times he tried to convince Tim to accept the truth, Tim was always insistent on pushing his own objectively false view that Star Trek II took place in space. They’d been arguing about this for years, ever since back when they first started out with the original On Cinema podcast. Gregg didn’t need to look it up; he knew he was right.

But even so...in all this time, it was true that he had never actually checked the Internet for a corroborating source, or at least not any source beyond the On Cinema Family’s replies on Twitter and other social media sites. He supposed he could swallow his pride a bit and find a link with proof to send Tim.

He got up from the end of his bed and walked to his desk at the corner of the room opposite Mark’s former hospital bed. Though Mark was no longer in it, the bed was still there. He turned on his computer, an old Windows Vista desktop, and opened an Internet browser.

Pulling up Google, he searched for “Star Trek II location” without the quotes. The first result was the Wikipedia article for the movie, so he opened it and skimmed for information about where the movie took place. To his surprise, the plot synopsis had no indication whatsoever of it taking place in San Francisco.

“Seriously, Tim?” he thought. It was obvious that Tim or one of his On Cinema followers had edited the page to display false information. He looked through the rest of the page and found that they had at least missed two references to San Francisco - a statement that part of the movie had been filmed there and a category listing at the bottom for “Films shot in San Francisco.” Feeling validated by this info - not that he needed the validation - Gregg took screenshots of the relevant sections of the page and saved them to his computer to send to Tim later. Then he made a Wikipedia account of his own and fixed the rest of the page with his own recollections of what the movie was really about.

Once he was satisfied with his work, Gregg left Wikipedia and went back to his Google search. If he sent multiple sources to Tim, Tim would surely have no choice but to admit that he was wrong. He clicked the next search result. And the next. And the next. This went on for several hours, his frown growing more pronounced with each click.

Nearly every source on the Internet corroborated Tim’s stupid idea that Star Trek II didn’t take place in San Francisco, but rather in space. He knew some “Timheads,” as they called themselves, blindly believed everything that Tim said, but he had never realized the conspiracy was this extensive. He clicked onto the 17th page of results and his computer screen went black.

Gregg sighed. So-called “modern” technology was never reliable. If there was a way to access the Internet on a VCR, he would do it, but unfortunately he was forced to use computers that didn’t even have VHS slots. He pressed the button on the CPU box, hoping it would turn back on, but nothing happened. He tried it again, and a few seconds later, a circle of bright white light began to shine from the middle of the monitor.

“Great,” Gregg thought. The last time Tim had been here, he’d been wearing his magnet suit again - Gregg had only found that out later - and he’d probably screwed up the computer somehow. The circle slowly expanded, and suddenly a clawed yellow hand, vaguely reminiscent of the leg of a bird, reached out of the monitor and grasped its side.

Gregg jerked back, almost causing the chair to fall backward. For just a moment, his brain tried to rationalize what he was seeing as a previously unknown 3D function of the computer monitor, but as a yellow paw joined the hand and then an antler and a horn began to follow, his mind couldn’t take it anymore and he fainted.

A Faustian Bargain

“Hello? Hello?” a voice said from Gregg’s left. He was still in the chair, but his neck was rather sore from the position he’d been in since falling unconscious. He slowly opened his eyes and looked to see who was talking.

To his left was a strange cartoonish being that seemed to be made up of parts of several different animals. Its body was long, and from tail to head, it transitioned from white to red to brown to grey, with different textures of skin as it went. It stood on its hind legs, and none of its four limbs matched each other (the same went for its two horns). Parts of its body had fur, while other parts were scaled, and its head was vaguely horse-like.

Gregg’s mind immediately went to several different movies that this situation reminded him of - all five-bag Popcorn Classics, of course.

First of all, he was sure he must be dreaming. Like Dorothy in the 1939 film The Wizard of Oz (runtime 101 minutes), he was simply imagining a fantastical being that wasn’t really there. Unlike the events of that movie, he was still in his own apartment rather than in a new world, and he couldn’t think of any person he had met or anything he had seen that looked anything like this creature. But otherwise it was reasonably similar.

Second, it reminded him of the 1988 film Who Framed Roger Rabbit (runtime 104 minutes), in which cartoon characters were real and lived among normal humans. He looked around his apartment, and down at his own hands, and it was clear that the world was still live-action. It was only this being that was not.

Third, it reminded him of the 1939 film Frankenstein (runtime 71 minutes), which starred the great Boris Karloff as a monster which was made up of parts of various dead people. While this creature was made up of parts of various animals, the setup was otherwise very similar.

And finally, it reminded him of the 2002 film The Ring (runtime 115 minutes), in which an evil spirit crawled out of a screen just as this being had done.

Once his mind had gone through this expert movie buff analysis, he finally decided to speak up. “Who are you?” he said. He half-expected it to say its name was Tim. Though he wasn’t a psychologist, he could believe there might be an explanation for his subconscious presenting a fantasy version of Tim in this way. Tim’s stupidity was...cartoonish, and...well, he wasn’t sure of the rest, but still...

“The name’s Discord,” the being said. It snapped its fingers and a mug of hot chocolate appeared in its hand. It took a sip. “Oh, I’m sorry. Where are my manners? Would you like one?”

“I’m alright,” Gregg said. “Why are you here?”

Discord shrugged. “I was bored,” he said.

“That’s it?” Gregg said.

Discord just shrugged again. “You were searching for information about Star Trek II, were you not?” He snapped his fingers again and the mug disappeared. A handkerchief materialized in front of him and wiped his mouth on its own.

“Yes, but...how are you doing that?” Gregg asked.

“You mean this?” Discord snapped yet again and the handkerchief disappeared. He let his bottom half float up into the air, and then moved his body into a position where his head was directly in front of Gregg’s face and about two feet away. He floated there in a prone position, his head on his arms, his body just above the desk and partially clipping through the wall.

“Yes, that,” Gregg said. He was still sure this was just a dream, but he thought he might as well see what his mind would make up.

“Before I just tell you that information, let’s see if you can guess on your own. If you were searching for Star Trek info, then my voice must seem familiar.” Discord paused. When Gregg didn’t immediately respond, he frowned. “Right?” Discord asked, suddenly sounding less sure of himself than he had up to this point.

Gregg wracked his brain, but while the voice was familiar, he couldn’t think of any connection it might have with Star Trek. “I’m sorry. I don’t know,” he said.

Discord sighed. “Does ‘Q’ ring any bells?” Several small bells materialized around Discord’s head.

“No,” Gregg said. Then he remembered something. "Wait...you're not that crazy person Tim was listening to, are you?"

Discord shook his head. “Oh, why do I even bother?” he said. He moved back to Gregg’s side and lowered his bottom half back to the ground. He sighed again. “Star Trek: The Next Generation?”

“That’s a TV show,” Gregg said, his disdain palpable. “I only watch the movies.”

Discord frowned. “‘Q’ is an extremely powerful being in the Star Trek series. He’s portrayed by John de Lancie, and he was inspired by...yours truly!” Despite his irritation with Gregg’s “I only watch the movies” statement, Discord was still trying to be enthusiastic. “Gene Roddenberry found an actor with a very accurate voice.” Gregg didn’t react. He'd seen movies with John de Lancie in them, which explained the voice's familiarity, but he'd never seen him in Star Trek.

“I also inspired the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic?” Discord said, his face drooping a bit and his voice begging for some kind of acknowledgment. “It’s all true, you know. Well, mostly. Equestria is my home.” A map labeled “Equestria” appeared in front of him. “Visiting other dimensions is just a hobby.”

Gregg was suddenly less sure that this was a dream. Why would his subconscious, of all people’s, be wasting time talking about TV shows? “I don’t watch TV,” he said simply.

“A pity,” Discord said, seemingly resigning himself to the idea that Gregg didn’t care about the TV he had inspired. The map disappeared. “May I ask why you were looking up information about Star Trek II?”

“I do a movie review show with another person, named Tim,” Gregg said. “We’re co-hosts.” If this was real, hopefully Discord wouldn’t realize he was lying. Tim had already promised multiple times in the past to make him a co-host, so he may as well be at least an honorary one, anyway. “He insists that Star Trek II took place in space, but if he ever actually watched a movie, he’d know that it took place in San Francisco.”

“San Francisco?” Discord said, absentmindedly looking around Gregg’s room, which was a mess. Then what Gregg had said registered. “No, it took place in space,” Discord said, and he and Gregg (still on his chair) were suddenly floating in outer space. That clinched it - either this wasn’t a dream, or Discord really did somehow represent Tim. Regardless, he had to correct the record, all-powerful being or not. This was getting ridiculous.

“It took place in San Francisco.” Gregg said, unable to hide his irritation.

Discord tilted his head. “Would you like it to have taken place in San Francisco?” he asked.

“What?” Gregg asked.

“I could change the timeline,” Discord said. The world around the two parties flickered through various famous historical scenes, focusing mainly on events that media often depicted people trying to change via time travel - Hitler’s rise to power, JFK’s assassination, and so on. The premiere of Star Trek II was included as well. “For a price.”

“What price?” Gregg asked. The offer reminded him of the scene in the 1986 film Little Shop of Horrors (runtime 94 minutes) in which Audrey II offered to bring Seymour fame and fortune in exchange for blood.

“I’m not quite as nice as Friendship Is Magic made me in the end,” Discord said. “I don’t do much purely out of the goodness of my heart unless it’s for a friend. And you’re not a friend, or at least not yet.” He paused. “What do you care about most?” he asked.

Gregg remained silent, but Discord tapped Gregg’s head with a claw and an image appeared in a glowing circle above it. Discord took the circle in his claws and showed it to Gregg. “What is this?” he asked. The world around them was still flickering through various historical scenes.

“You won’t do anything to it unless I agree to a deal?” Gregg asked.

“Cross my heart,” Discord said.

“It’s the Victorville Film Archive,” Gregg said. Finally something he liked talking about. “The VFA is the world’s largest collection of VHS tapes, featuring all of the greatest and most important movies ever made. I use a special coding system to-”

“I don’t need the details,” Discord said. “In exchange for the Victorville Film Archive, I will change the timeline. Star Trek II will in fact have taken place in San Francisco. Do you accept?”

“No,” Gregg said. Discord frowned.

“Are you sure?” Discord said. “I have quite a good track record. Lauren Faust took my deal years ago and her show ran for 9 seasons. It's still popular with 'bronies’ even now.” Then, quieter, as if musing to himself, "Though there were some creative differences."

“No,” Gregg said. He still wasn’t sure if this was a dream or not, but it didn’t matter.

“Well, why not?” Discord asked.

“Because it did take place in San Francisco,” Gregg said.

Discord rolled his eyes and disappeared. The world around them went black.

The next thing Gregg knew, he was in his apartment and the computer was back on. Sighing, he emailed the Wikipedia screenshots to Tim and checked the time. He’d only been out for a few minutes, so he could still watch one more movie before going to bed. Maybe he’d rewatch the 1977 classic Oh, God!, starring George Burns (runtime 98 minutes).

The End