Cozy Glow's Tales of Revengeby RainbowDoubleDashChapters1. Hanging Out2. Dumb Fish Bird Princess3. The Green Boring One4. Loud Hairy Wrecking Ball5. Stupid Book Bug6. Smelly Fire-Spitting Lizard7. Stupid Griffon Who Thinks He's So Cool But He's NOT8. The Schemes Continue...1. Hanging OutThere were many things that one did not expect to find in the secret lair of an evil goat bent on taking over all of Equestria, and among them was a kitchen. It wasn’t even an evil kitchen. There weren’t boiling pots full of wicked gruel or random body parts lying around in an apparent contempt of hygiene. No, the kitchen Grogar provided his minions with was clean and fairly typical, if one ignored the stone walls and small stalactites in the ceiling. In hindsight, however, it was obvious that it would be there. Even an evil goat bent on taking over all of Equestria needed to eat on occasion, at least theoretically, although Chrysalis had never actually seen him do it. Where he got the food from was a mystery too. Still, Chrysalis needed to eat, as did Tirek and Cozy Glow, so they made use of the kitchen on a regular basis. At first it had been separately, taking their meals by themselves, as they’d hated each others’ company. But ever since their recent trip to Mount Everhoof… Chrysalis hummed to herself as she leaned down over the tray of cookies she’d pulled from the oven about ten minutes ago, breathing in deeply. Most changelings lacked nostrils, breathing and scenting through their mouths, though their sense of smell was extremely poor for non-emotional scents. Chrysalis was the exception, having a sense of smell that was about on-par with ponies, and the scent of oatmeal, honey, and chocolate chips with dollops of fresh vanilla frosting was delectable. Continuing her hum, Chrysalis hefted the tray with blue telekinesis, the stick containing her shadowy companion in another mote of her magic, and proceeded out into the commons room of Grogar’s lair. She heard Cozy Glow before seeing her, of course; the little hellion had only a limited concept of “indoor voice” when she got emotional, and tonight was not proving to be an exception. “You think you’re sooo smart, don’t you, you big scaly buffoon?” She heard Cozy demand. “We’ll just see who’s the smart one when I’m through with you! I don’t care that you’re a dragon, I’ll make you choke!” Chrysalis rolled her eyes, finding Cozy at the table with an open book and crayons in her mouth, scribbling all over it. Across from her, Lord Tirek sat upon his equine barrel, a book of his own in his hands that he was slowly paging through and a steaming mug of coffee in front of him that he took occasional sips of. It looked like he was reading a Daring Do novel, of all things, though Chrysalis supposed that there was no accounting for taste. “Cookies are done,” Chrysalis proclaimed, setting the tray down in the middle of the table. Her arrival had at least broken Cozy from her crazed ranting. The little thing – she was far too aggressive in Chrysalis’ opinion to be a real pony – eyed the tray suspiciously, a gaze that was matched by Tirek. Chrysalis scoffed. “If I was going to poison you two, I wouldn’t do it so openly and obviously!” she objected as she set down the shadow’s log next to her own seat at the table. “I believe that you wouldn’t be so open if it was intentional,” Tirek said, gingerly reaching out one hand and lifting a cookie, staring at it. He took an experimental sniff. Chrysalis couldn’t stop a low hiss from escaping her. “I am a queen, I’ve never needed to cook for myself.” She crossed her forelegs in annoyance as she lifted a cookie with magic. “Food is food in any event, so I better not see either of you throwing anything out! If you don’t like them, fine, more for me!” Cozy Glow had grabbed a cookie of her own. She took a tentative bite…and lit up brightly enough that she almost seemed like the filly she looked like. “Golly!” She exclaimed, taking another big bite. “These ones actually turned out good, Chrysalis!” Chrysalis grinned. She made absolutely certain it was a haughty and prideful grin, and not a grateful once, since she had nothing to be grateful for – these ingrates were supposed to be the grateful ones. “Of course they did.” Tirek munched on a cookie himself. He tried to nonchalantly shrug, but he also immediately reached out and grabbed another cookie. Chrysalis’ grin grew. “I suppose after the eighth time you were bound to find some recipe you could actually make – ” Chrysalis’ grin dropped, and she hissed, horn glowing bright blue. “I never see you trying to make anything more complicated than bowls of cereal and toast and that protein shake you insist of scarfing down!” “It’s because I’m a terrible cook,” Tirek said matter-of-factly. “I’m just as royal as you, I had servants to cook for me.” He looked to Chrysalis, and flashed a sharp-toothed grin. “Mind, I’m a rather adept hunter. Maybe if we stocked more meat, even fish – ” Cozy Glow gagged despite the cookie in her mouth. She struggled to swallow it down. “N-no meat,” she insisted as her face turned green. “While I was at that stupid school Silverstream convinced me to try something called sushi, a-and…” “Oh, I love sushi,” Chrysalis said wistfully. It had been ages. “Yes, it is delectable,” Tirek agreed. Cozy turned greener, hooves at her mouth. “Eugh. Seriously, you two! Ponies are herbivores! I never should have…that’s going on my list!” Cozy turned back to her book, opening it to the last page and grabbing a pink crayon in her mouth. “Revenge…for…sushi! Oooh, I’ll make you regret ever even teaching me that word, let alone convincing me to try it!” Chrysalis finally bit into a cookie of her own, resting her head on one hoof as she regarded the whatever Cozy was. “What are you doing?” She asked while she chewed. Tirek tried to get Chrysalis’ attention and was slowly shaking his head and waving one hand as though to warn her, but it was too late. Cozy herself looked up, her illness forgotten as she grinned as wickedly as something that looked like a pegasus filly could – which was more than a little, her apparently young features making such an evil countenance even more unsettling than normal. “I,” Cozy declared, “am planning my revenge!” “Revenge?” Asked Chrysalis. “Revenge!” Cozy exclaimed, hopping into the air with her hooves spread wide – and continued: “Now Twilight, you know, has done us wrong “And she’ll pay the price – you remember our song! “But one creature hurting ain’t enough for me, “I’ve got six enemies that I’ll end with glee!” “Oh. There’s a song,” Chrysalis observed as Cozy started flitting through the air, dancing. “I tried to warn you,” Tirek moaned, setting his book aside. “My plan was perfect, make Equestria bow “To the Friendship Empress – and I’ll tell you how: “Steal all the magic from across the land “‘Cept the Power of Friendship – at my command! “I hit a few snags, a problem here or there “But that is life, so I really didn’t care! “Step one was pulled off without a hitch, “Remove Starlight Glimmer, that purple – ” “Ooh, I like that part of the plan!” Chrysalis exclaimed, clapping her hooves. “No interruptions!” Cozy insisted. “I ruled all, ‘twas a piece of cake “But Neighsay said I was a fake “He took the Friendship School from me, “But was I worried? No siree! “I turned students into a mob “And took power back from that snob! “Now the School was in my control “I had just achieved all of my goals!” “To be honest, I feel there were some missing steps between ruling the school and conquering Equestria,” Tirek said. “Eh, I’d wing it,” Cozy said. “The students all were in my thrall “Because I was friends with them all! “Friends are Power, I’d learned so well “I was Twilight’s requiem knell! “But then my plans all went sour “SOMEHOW in the final hour “Six creatures took all my work “And ruined it, BECAUSE THEY’RE JERKS!” Cozy Glow landed on the table and turned around her book, revealing that it was the yearbook for the School of Friendship – and she’d used crayons to creatively edit six pictures in particular. She pointed to each in turn. “Gallus, Smolder, Ocellus too “Sandbar, Yona, I hate their crew! “Silverstream rounds them all out “I SWEAR I’LL WIN IN OUR NEXT BOUT! “Everything had been going just fine “Until they ruined my designs! “So now I’m planning in what way “I’ll end them all and MAKE THEM PAY!” “I’ll make them pay, and you’ll see how! “I’ll make them pay, and all will bow! “I’ll make them pay, and by golly! “I’ll make them pay, THEY’LL BE SORRY!” Cozy snapped her yearbook shut, laughing as she did, though she did pause a moment to grab another cookie and scarf it down. Chrysalis observed her glee, then looked to Tirek. “So she sang at you as well?” She asked. “The practice version, yes,” Tirek confirmed, picking his book back up and opening to where he’d left off. “Rhyming needed a little work. The choreography was quite good already, though, she didn’t need any help there.” “Not surprising. I’m not sure the meter was exactly perfect through the song, but it – ” “Excuse me!” Cozy interrupted, slamming a hoof onto the table. “I’m not done!” Chrysalis blinked a few times at that. “Not done? Cozy, the song was long enough already, you got your point across – ” “Not the song,” Cozy drolled, rolling her eyes. “I mean that I always have to listen to you talking about what you plan to do to Thorax and Starlight Glimmer, and I always listen nice and patiently! So aren’t you the least bit curious about exactly how I plan on making each of those six stupid creatures pay? Don’t you think you owe me that?” Chrysalis gave the question all the consideration and deep thought it merited. “No,” she answered immediately. “Well too bad!” Cozy Glow exclaimed. 2. Dumb Fish Bird PrincessSo first on my list is Silverstream. Miss High and Mighty herself. Tallest student in the school, built like a fashion model, and she thinks that just because she’s all beautiful and also she’s actual royalty that it means okay if she acts like a feathery clone of Pinkie Pie! And she’s waaay too touchy-feely. “You did so good on your test! Hug! You got the same lunch as me! Hug! It’s a Tuesday! HUG!” Ugh, sooo annoying. And she made me try sushi! Made me eat fish! So she’s first on my list. Silverstream will be weeping and crying and making a huge scene all over the place once I’m Empress of Equestria. “Oh no! This is totally not good!” She’ll say. “How could this have happened to us? We were such good friend with one another and the Tree of Harmony gave us all kinds of power and we even had stairs on our side – ” Stairs? Yes, Tirek, stairs. She has this thing about stairs. There’s none in Seaquestria since they don’t have legs and it’s all underwater, and she’d been down there since she was young so she didn’t remember being a hippogriff and having legs. How do you know what she’s going to say if it hasn’t happened yet? It’s called poetic license, Chrysalis! Now do you want me to continue or – wait, don’t answer that, you have to listen! Anyway… “Mwahahahahahahaha!” I’ll laugh. I can see it now, I’ll be sitting on the throne of Equestria and Twilight and Starlight and Luna and Celestia will all be lying at my hooves, defeated! I’ll have my own guard, the Cozy Guard! Because that’s what they’re supposed to do, guard me. And I’ll have my guard bring her into the throne room first! “You fought long and hard,” I’ll say, “but now your resistance is at an end! I’ve captured each of your friends!” I’ll have done that, by the way. “And I’ve decided that you’ll be the first one to suffer!” “No, please not my friends!” Silverstream will cry. “Please, I’ll do anything!” “Mwahahahahahaha! As if I care for your begging! Guards, bring her up here!” And so she’ll be brought up the stairs. The throne will have been raised for just this occasion, made to be fifty – no, a hundred feet off the ground with big stairs leading up to it! It’ll be a last moment of happiness for her, which will make her fall all the sweeter. And I do mean a fall! I’ll push her so she falls down the stairs! One step after another after another, she’ll bounce and roll and tumble all the way down to the bottom and into the waiting tank where – She can fly. What? Silverback or whatever her name was. The hippogriff. She has wings, she can fly. Pushing her down stairs won’t do anything, you push her and she’ll just stabilize herself or take to the air. Grrrr! Okay then, so obviously her wings are going to be all bound up when I do this! The point is that she’ll roll all the way down the stairs into my waiting tank – What happens if she stops rolling halfway down? Are you going to go down and push her again? Look, the point is she’s going to end up in the tank, in the water that’s waiting for her! And then I’ll close down the top! I have a – hang on, where’d the – ha! I drew a picture! Here’s the tank, see? Looks like a giant fish bowl? And that’s all she’ll be from then on is my prisoner! Trapped in a glass prison in my throne room, never able to escape! The tank will be suspended in the ceiling and she’ll never be able to leave! So, what do you think? …honestly? As far as revenge schemes go, it needs work. WHAT?! When you get right down to it, it’s just grievous bodily harm and then being stuck in a fish bowl until you forget to feed her. There’s nothing really personalized about it. But the stairs! I think you made that up and just want an excuse to have a hundred-foot-tall throne. It’s not the throne that’s a hundred feet tall, it’s the dais that – okay, you know what? Fine! It needs work. But I’ve got five more to go! 3. The Green Boring OneNow I know what you’re thinking. Sandbar is a pony just like me, and I can’t possibly bring myself to ever take revenge on a fellow pony, can I? Well, you’re wrong! Sandbar is the worst of the lot, because he’s a pony like me and should have done everything I said but instead he chose to side with his dumb friends! If it wasn’t for him they’d have all been locked in their room and never would have stopped me! It’s basically his fault that I’m even in this dumb cave and taking orders from an old goat. So he’ll be the next one into the throne room. The first thing he’ll see is Silverstream in her fish bowl up in the ceiling, stuck up there and forced to watch as my next victim is brought in by my Cozy Guard – oh, hang on, I’ve got the uniform designs for them all picked out! What do you think? I don’t see the point of uniforms. I don’t see the point of minions. Well, fine, but you have to admit that the bows will really help sell the whole outfit. Speaking of bows, the Cozy Guard will bring him in and put him in front of my throne. He’ll be all dejected and defeated just like Silverstream, but Silverstream never shuts up but Sandbar is more likely to just clam up like the turtles he’s got on his flank. I won’t even need to break his spirit, it’ll already be broken! And that’s when I’ll put my plan in action! He’s going to be my maid! …okay but why, though? Heeheehee, you’ll love this. See, Sandbar doesn’t just attend the school, he actually lives in Ponyville, his mother and father and little sister all live there. I can get to his family so easily, once I’m ruling my own slice of Equestria! So I’ll have his family hostage, his mom and dad and little sister, and if Sandbar doesn’t do everything I say then I’ll take it out on them! Oh, and his mom and dad will also be my maids, and Coral – that’s his sister, she’s just a little filly, like a yearling, I think – can be my little friend! Okay, I understand that…what I’m not understanding is why he’s your maid, or why you want him as your maid. And why that’s a good form of revenge. This hippogriff mare gets stuck in a fishbowl for the rest of her life, but you let the pony just wander around almost freely cleaning up after your messes? You’re not thinking long-term, Chrysalis! I mentioned Coral, didn’t I? I’m going to be her very best friend! She’s just a little filly and doesn’t know anything yet, but she’ll be by my side! I’ll heap all sorts of praise on her and I’ll play games with her, and make sure that she is trained in all sorts of martial arts so that she becomes a ninja – Wait, what? And Sandbar will only be able to watch as I turn his little sister into my most loyal and trusted minion! What’s a ninja? It’s a kind of spice. That’s ginger. Is it? My mistake. How do you not know that? I told you I wasn’t much of a cook – A “ninja” is what Coral will be! She’ll take out my enemies and sabotage my foes! I read about them in this Power Ponies comic, they were fighting ninjas belonging to the Hoof clan. But in any event, you see what I’m going for, right? Making Sandbar’s little sister into my trusted minion will be the worst pain I could inflict upon him! Mwuhahahahahahaha! What if her loyalty to her brother is stronger than her loyalty to you and she turns on you? My personal experience is the opposite. …moving on! 4. Loud Hairy Wrecking BallLet me ask you something, you ever try to get any kind of beauty sleep when a yak is in the dorm room next to yours? Sharing it with a hyperactive hippogriff that lives off of sugar and sushi? Because I have and it’s awful! All I ever heard was yak this and yak that and yak the other thing! Yaks best at everything and not bad at anything except letting me sleep in! Now Yona is big and strong, so I’ve got to admit that getting revenge on her won’t be easy. I can’t just push her down some stairs, she’ll probably just break the stairs on the way down and be fine, and I’m saving the lava sharks for later – What? But revenge is definitely doable! First thing first is that she’s sooo proud of being a yak, so I’m going to take everything yak away from her! I’ll have the Cozy Guard shave off all her fur! See, this is already better. More personalized. Gee, thanks! Anyway, once she’s been shaved, I’ll stick her outside in the courtyard! I’ll let all my new friends see what a yak without fur looks like! She’ll be shivering and crying and she’ll be all like, “Yak not like this because yak supposed to have fur but now yak not have fur and yak with no fur is no yak! Now yak is cold and shamed! Yak-yak-yikity-yak – ” I have done nothing to deserve that! What? You just insulted her in Yak. That’s what their language actually sounds like? I was just making up words! It is an ancient and complex language. Inflection is very important. You just said – It doesn’t matter what she said. If it was a mistake, then fine, I won’t be mad. Hmm, I’m going to look it up later…but anyway, after she’s suffered for a few days, that’s when I’ll have her brought back inside. I don’t think I’d really want to see a yak without fur, but she’s so clumsy that I can’t miss this golden opportunity! Every court needs a jester, right? So I’m going to have her all dressed up in bright colors with bells and whoopee cushions all around her, and I’ll make her dance! I have a picture for this too. Note the bells on her horns! I would advise – Oh, wait, those horns could be dangerous, couldn’t they? New thought, they’ll filed down constantly. She won’t be allowed to have them. But I’ll put fake horns with bells on them. Very good. Thanks! Now I know what you’re thinking, she’s stumbling around the court room but could be causing all sorts of problems if she wanted by running into guards or even charging at me, right? I mean, yeah, I’m a pegasus and I can fly, but she might catch me unawares or something? Well, I thought of that! The entire middle of the court room is going to be dug out and a big pit will be put in, with a grate over the top! So she’s down there and I can watch her make a fool of herself for my own personal amusement, but there’s no way for her to get out! But I’m still not done. Her stomping about and bumping into things and tripping over her own mane once it grows back is going to get old if that’s all she’s doing. So first, of course, there’ll be a steady supply of lemon meringue pies. Pies are always funny, and plus it’ll give her something to eat down there. There’s also going to be seltzer water for gags and she can drink that. I’ll have to ensure a steady supply of comedy props and gags as well. Rubber chickens, balls to juggle, unicycles, oh and she’ll need instructors for that, you don’t just pick up unicycling and juggling. And of course we’ll need a tiny car for her to get out of – It’s a lot less impressive when there’s a tiny car but only one creature climbs out. Yeah, but that one creature is a yak! Did I hear you were going to be getting her instructors? Of course! She’s going to need to be taught how to be funny, turned into a real clown! Her spirit will be all broken to pieces and she’ll take solace in the only thing she can, being a clown! A clown for me! I’ll put a trapeze in the pit, and flaming rings, and maybe a tiger! And maybe I’ll even put other creatures down there and make them perform as well! I’ll have my own personal three-ring circus! Hay, as long as I’ve got Silverstream in a fishbowl I can make her sing for me too! Because of course she has an amazing singing voice, it’s not enough that she’s tall and beautiful and a princess already… I actually like this one. Very well thought-out, and I like the part where you trap the two of them in prisons they can’t escape from. Thanks! Okay, next… 5. Stupid Book BugNext up is Ocellus – The changelings are mine. But – If any creature is going to be getting revenge on changelings, it’s me! But I put in all this time and effort, this is the best plan yet – look, here’s a picture, see the trained maulwurf that I’ll be riding after her, and this false-front to the Prench café will be so fun to set up – The changelings. Are. MINE! Alright! Alright! Fine, I’ll leave the book-bug alone…dunno why you care, you’ve got plenty of changelings, what’s it matter if I take revenge on just one… Yes, Chrysalis, what does it matter, especially just one drone? HHHZZZKKK! Fine. Sorry I asked. 6. Smelly Fire-Spitting LizardOoh, Smolder…I tried really hard to like every creature at the school because they were all supposed to be my friends, but I never liked Smolder! Have you ever been in her dorm room? You’re asking if I, an eight foot tall ancient threat to Equestria, have ever been inside one of the dorm rooms of the School of Friendship. Yes. …no, no I haven’t. Well it stinks! And I don’t mean that in some kind of metaphorical way for it being dumb or stupid, although it is, but I mean it literally stinks! It smells like smoke all the time, you can even smell it out in the hallway and that’s after Professor Rarity had a bunch of cleaning ponies fumigate it after Ocellus molted in there and made it stink even worse! But that’s not the worst part, the worst part is that Smolder stole everything from everypony for the first few weeks of school! Every time there was a missing pen or book or bits or pillow or anything, guaranteed it was because she took it! She even took a bunch of bows from my dorm room, she doesn’t even have hair! And on top of that, she never tried to be nice to me! I was nice as could be to her. She never apologized for stealing stuff from us even when Professor Dash finally made her stop but she acted like she hadn’t done anything wrong, and then when I was making cupcakes for everypony I made sure to make a few cupcakes with zircons in them just for her and all she did was grunt at me! Not even a “thank you” or “that was nice of you” or nothing! She acted like I was her enemy but I hadn’t even turned the school on her or tried to banish all her friends into a dark oblivion yet! So I’ve put a lot of thought into how I’m going to get her back. We’ll be at an active volcano with my Cozy Guard. She’ll be looking at me and be all like, “I never trusted you because I was secretly all super jealous of how cute and adorable you are, which is something I could never be because I’m a big stinky stupid dragon!” She’ll say that, will she? Yes! And I’ll say, “I know you are, and I’ve prepared something special for you!” And I push her into the lava! Now I know this starts out a lot like my plan with Silverstream, I bet you can see the similarities between pushing a creature into water and into lava and trust me, you have no idea! So to start with, yes, her wings will be bound up, so she won’t fly away when she plunges headfirst into liquid hot lava! Dragons are fireproof. I know that! But that is where the lava sharks come in! An entire school of them, I’m thinking hammerheads but great white sharks are a classic and makos have that really long tail that – I would like to pause a moment to discuss the lava sharks. Those don’t, well, exist. Wait, really? Huh, there’s so much strange stuff in the world I kinda’ figured that they’d have to…oh well, okay then, phase one will be to create lava sharks – How? I don’t know! Do you see a shark on my flank, huh? No! Alright then, phase one will be to find a shark breeder – How are you planning on creating a breed of sharks that can survive in lava? I’m not, that’s what the shark breeder will be for! So he’ll get me my sharks and I’ll put them in the volcano – Where is the volcano? Under Canterlot! Obviously! The Canterhorn isn’t a volcano, there’s no lava there. Trust me, I’ve been under it. Actually on that note I want to go back to that throne room. So your throne is going to be a hundred feet tall and you’re also going to have a deep pit to keep the yak in. I’ve been in the throne room of Canterlot Castle, it’s not that big. There’s going to be a lot of renovations, okay?! You’re going to renovate the Canterhorn into being an active volcano? No, not me, obviously, I’ll be getting ponies to do this for me, I’m sure I can get the pony power – It’s not a question of pony power, it’s a question of plate tectonics! The Canterhorn isn’t sitting on a hot spot, how will you even – PHASE ONE WILL BE TO TURN THE CANTERHORN INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO, PHASE TWO WILL BE TO GET A SHARK BREEDER TO CREATE LAVA SHARKS, PHASE THREE WILL BE TO PUT THOSE SHARKS INTO THE CANTERHORN’S LAVA, AND PHASE FOUR WILL BE TO SHOVE SMOLDER INTO THE LAVA! …what’s phase five? You know what? We’re moving on! 7. Stupid Griffon Who Thinks He's So Cool But He's NOTI hate Gallus. I hate Gallus so much. I’ve hated him ever since I first set eyes on him, although I didn’t know it at the time, I just thought he was some blue griffin who’d been sent to diversify the School of Friendship. So I tried to be friends with him, and it actually almost worked. The quickest way to any creature’s heart is through their stomach, after all, and that was especially true for Gallus! He was the first one of this group that I reached out to before I knew how they’d become my enemies. I made him cupcakes just like normal when I want to make a friend, and Gallus took them! And unlike Smolder he actually thanked me. It took him a while to eat them, and at first I thought it was that he didn’t really like them and I was super mad – but then I learned how he’d grown up in Griffonstone, that he was an orphan like me but hadn’t been left anything by his parents, and I realized that he wasn’t putting off eating them, he was saving them, savoring them! I was sooo happy! If I wasn’t so busy manipulating the whole school into becoming my willing puppets doing my every bidding I would have made him even more cupcakes, tried to make him especially loyal. In hindsight I really wish I had, I bet he would have done anything I asked if I’d just fed him enough. But I figured quantity had a quality all of its own. Friendship is power, after all, and if I had all the friends then I’d have all the power! But then he turned on me! After the cupcakes I’d made for him and all the help I’d given him and his friends, even stupid Smolder and Yona and Silverstream they were just instantly suspicious of me when I sent Twilight and her friends off to Tartaros and imprisoned Starlight Glimmer! For no reason other than I was being “too nice”. Too nice?! What does that even mean?! If they’d just stayed out of my way I wouldn’t have done anything to them, wouldn’t have even needed to, but nooo, they just had to go digging and discover what I’d done and then stop me! So I know just what I’m going to do to Gallus. I’m saving him for last and I’m going to savor making him suffer just like he savored my cupcakes. I’ll have the table in my dining hall all prepared and loaded down with a feast just for me, and he’ll be brought in by my Cozy Guard and sat down at the end of the table. Not immediately. He’ll have been in my dungeons for, oh, four or five days already by that point. “What have you done to my friends?!” He’ll demand. “Oh, Sandbar is right here!” I’ll tell him. I’ll smile and point to Sandbar, and he’ll be off to the side, my new servant. “Yona and Silverstream are in the throne room. I fed Smolder to lava sharks, last I saw her she was disappearing under liquid rock, I’m sure she’s a goner. As for Ocellus, I don’t know, I guess that’s up to Queen Chrysalis.” Gallus will get all defiant at this and angry, but he won’t have the strength to do too much. I won’t have fed him while he was my prisoner, you see, and I’ll be having fried vegetables and a big bowl of mashed potatoes and bread rolls and a salad and a desert of cheesecake. I know that he’ll only be half-paying attention to me. He’ll be looking at the food. I’ll clean my plate, eat every last thing save for a few crusts of bread, and I’ll let Gallus have that, and maybe he’ll refuse it at first but I know that even if he does he’ll give in tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. He won’t let himself starve. And after the first time he eats, he’ll eat every time after that. Eating’s a hard habit to break. “I know you’ve been working on an escape plan,” I’ll say at some point, some day. “Of course I have,” he’ll say. “It’s no use. I rule Equestria now! Everypony is my friend! Friendship is Power!” “No it’s not. Friendship is more than power, Cozy Glow!” “Then why are you here? Why are you my prisoner? Where’s your precious Princess of Friendship? I have all the friends – so I have all the power! You only have five friends, or four now, or maybe three depending on what Chrysalis did. You can’t beat me!” And he’ll try and make some kind of argument, against what I said, but it won’t work. Deep down he’ll know it’s true, because I’ll be the ruler of all of Equestria and he’ll just be one griffon who can’t even save any of his friends. But then I’ll offer my friendship to him. Gallus won’t accept at first, I know it, but as he keeps eating with me, keeps listening, he’ll start to waver. I know he will! He’ll listen to me eventually. He’ll have to, he’ll have no choice! I’ll grant him better accommodations if he listens to me and does what I say, and better food, and maybe even I’ll let him spend some time with Yona or Silverstream or Sandbar, talk to them, convince them to listen to me and do what I say! And then he’ll be my friend! The ultimate revenge for a creature who stood against me – getting them to join me! To be beside me! 8. The Schemes Continue...Chrysalis was leaning forward on the table, drawn in to this last plot of Cozy Glow’s. Tirek was staring as well, although he looked a good deal more perturbed. The remaining cookies had been forgotten on the table as the two far older beings had listened to the younger one. “It sounds like you have a crush on this Gallus creature,” Tirek intoned. Cozy had her hoof on the griffin’s picture on her yearbook, and stomped down on it a few times. “Yes! I absolutely want to crush Gallus! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! The way he’s an orphan like me, his sarcasm he thinks is so funny, his stupid big wings and the way the down on his chest looks fluffy and that thing that his head-crest feathers do, how they sweep forward in a way that he thinks is cool but it’s totally not…” “You are too young to be ‘crushing’ any creature like that – ” “Oh calm down, Tirek,” Chrysalis interrupted, waving a hoof. She licked her lips and turned to look at the centaur, grinning. “It’s nothing to be worried about, it’s just puppy lo – er, hate. Puppy hate.” Cozy Glow turned a wide-eyed stare onto Chrysalis, gasping in shock. “I don’t hate puppies! Puppies are cute and cuddly and I’d never hate a puppy! Plus if I had a puppy with me, imagine how much cuter I’d be.” She put her hooves to her cheeks and offered a bright, wide grin. “Me plus a puppy would be the greatest weapon this team ever had!” She dropped her grin and her hooves, looking between Chrysalis and Tirek. “Especially since some creatures can’t figure out how the Bewitching Bell works.” “Don’t change the subject – ” “I’m telling you, it’s nothing to be concerned about,” Chrysalis insisted. She grinned wickedly at Tirek. “Although I find it very interesting that you’re concerned at all.” The centaur recoiled at Chrysalis’ grin and waggling brow. He waved a hand at Cozy. “I don’t know what it’s like with changelings, but centaurs have standards about these things!” “Mm-hmm.” Chrysalis droned. She lifted another cookie and bit into it, chewing thoughtfully and not breaking eye contact with Tirek as she did. She licked at the air, tasting it. “Purely uninvolved, principled standards, of course.” Tirek shifted, crossing his arms and looking away. “Cozy Glow and I have been allies since I broke free from Tartaros. It shouldn’t surprise you that I’m concerned for her well-being. She is…dependable.” “Mm-hmm…” Chrysalis repeated. Cozy looked between the two of them. “Are you two okay?” She asked. “You’re acting really weird…” Both looked to Cozy a moment, before glancing away. “No weirder than you,” Chrysalis insisted. “Are you done with your little revenge schemes?” “Hmm?” Cozy asked. She finally lifted her hoof from the yearbook, looking down at the pictures there. “Oh…of course not! I hate those six the most, I hate them so much, especially Smolder and especially-especially Gallus, but I need revenge on the whole school! They all turned on me, and I’ll make them all pay!” She turned the yearbook to its first page of pictures. “Let’s see, Apple Sorbet! She was three dorm rooms down from me…” Chrysalis groaned, grabbing another cookie, rubbing one temple as Cozy rambled on. That yearbook looked thick - they were going to be here for a while...and no doubt tomorrow would bring more ranting, or else the ceaseless noise of Tirek's working, grunting and clanging and banging She looked down to the purple wooden stick that was her constant companion. “We need a vacation,” she whispered to it.
1. Hanging OutThere were many things that one did not expect to find in the secret lair of an evil goat bent on taking over all of Equestria, and among them was a kitchen. It wasn’t even an evil kitchen. There weren’t boiling pots full of wicked gruel or random body parts lying around in an apparent contempt of hygiene. No, the kitchen Grogar provided his minions with was clean and fairly typical, if one ignored the stone walls and small stalactites in the ceiling. In hindsight, however, it was obvious that it would be there. Even an evil goat bent on taking over all of Equestria needed to eat on occasion, at least theoretically, although Chrysalis had never actually seen him do it. Where he got the food from was a mystery too. Still, Chrysalis needed to eat, as did Tirek and Cozy Glow, so they made use of the kitchen on a regular basis. At first it had been separately, taking their meals by themselves, as they’d hated each others’ company. But ever since their recent trip to Mount Everhoof… Chrysalis hummed to herself as she leaned down over the tray of cookies she’d pulled from the oven about ten minutes ago, breathing in deeply. Most changelings lacked nostrils, breathing and scenting through their mouths, though their sense of smell was extremely poor for non-emotional scents. Chrysalis was the exception, having a sense of smell that was about on-par with ponies, and the scent of oatmeal, honey, and chocolate chips with dollops of fresh vanilla frosting was delectable. Continuing her hum, Chrysalis hefted the tray with blue telekinesis, the stick containing her shadowy companion in another mote of her magic, and proceeded out into the commons room of Grogar’s lair. She heard Cozy Glow before seeing her, of course; the little hellion had only a limited concept of “indoor voice” when she got emotional, and tonight was not proving to be an exception. “You think you’re sooo smart, don’t you, you big scaly buffoon?” She heard Cozy demand. “We’ll just see who’s the smart one when I’m through with you! I don’t care that you’re a dragon, I’ll make you choke!” Chrysalis rolled her eyes, finding Cozy at the table with an open book and crayons in her mouth, scribbling all over it. Across from her, Lord Tirek sat upon his equine barrel, a book of his own in his hands that he was slowly paging through and a steaming mug of coffee in front of him that he took occasional sips of. It looked like he was reading a Daring Do novel, of all things, though Chrysalis supposed that there was no accounting for taste. “Cookies are done,” Chrysalis proclaimed, setting the tray down in the middle of the table. Her arrival had at least broken Cozy from her crazed ranting. The little thing – she was far too aggressive in Chrysalis’ opinion to be a real pony – eyed the tray suspiciously, a gaze that was matched by Tirek. Chrysalis scoffed. “If I was going to poison you two, I wouldn’t do it so openly and obviously!” she objected as she set down the shadow’s log next to her own seat at the table. “I believe that you wouldn’t be so open if it was intentional,” Tirek said, gingerly reaching out one hand and lifting a cookie, staring at it. He took an experimental sniff. Chrysalis couldn’t stop a low hiss from escaping her. “I am a queen, I’ve never needed to cook for myself.” She crossed her forelegs in annoyance as she lifted a cookie with magic. “Food is food in any event, so I better not see either of you throwing anything out! If you don’t like them, fine, more for me!” Cozy Glow had grabbed a cookie of her own. She took a tentative bite…and lit up brightly enough that she almost seemed like the filly she looked like. “Golly!” She exclaimed, taking another big bite. “These ones actually turned out good, Chrysalis!” Chrysalis grinned. She made absolutely certain it was a haughty and prideful grin, and not a grateful once, since she had nothing to be grateful for – these ingrates were supposed to be the grateful ones. “Of course they did.” Tirek munched on a cookie himself. He tried to nonchalantly shrug, but he also immediately reached out and grabbed another cookie. Chrysalis’ grin grew. “I suppose after the eighth time you were bound to find some recipe you could actually make – ” Chrysalis’ grin dropped, and she hissed, horn glowing bright blue. “I never see you trying to make anything more complicated than bowls of cereal and toast and that protein shake you insist of scarfing down!” “It’s because I’m a terrible cook,” Tirek said matter-of-factly. “I’m just as royal as you, I had servants to cook for me.” He looked to Chrysalis, and flashed a sharp-toothed grin. “Mind, I’m a rather adept hunter. Maybe if we stocked more meat, even fish – ” Cozy Glow gagged despite the cookie in her mouth. She struggled to swallow it down. “N-no meat,” she insisted as her face turned green. “While I was at that stupid school Silverstream convinced me to try something called sushi, a-and…” “Oh, I love sushi,” Chrysalis said wistfully. It had been ages. “Yes, it is delectable,” Tirek agreed. Cozy turned greener, hooves at her mouth. “Eugh. Seriously, you two! Ponies are herbivores! I never should have…that’s going on my list!” Cozy turned back to her book, opening it to the last page and grabbing a pink crayon in her mouth. “Revenge…for…sushi! Oooh, I’ll make you regret ever even teaching me that word, let alone convincing me to try it!” Chrysalis finally bit into a cookie of her own, resting her head on one hoof as she regarded the whatever Cozy was. “What are you doing?” She asked while she chewed. Tirek tried to get Chrysalis’ attention and was slowly shaking his head and waving one hand as though to warn her, but it was too late. Cozy herself looked up, her illness forgotten as she grinned as wickedly as something that looked like a pegasus filly could – which was more than a little, her apparently young features making such an evil countenance even more unsettling than normal. “I,” Cozy declared, “am planning my revenge!” “Revenge?” Asked Chrysalis. “Revenge!” Cozy exclaimed, hopping into the air with her hooves spread wide – and continued: “Now Twilight, you know, has done us wrong “And she’ll pay the price – you remember our song! “But one creature hurting ain’t enough for me, “I’ve got six enemies that I’ll end with glee!” “Oh. There’s a song,” Chrysalis observed as Cozy started flitting through the air, dancing. “I tried to warn you,” Tirek moaned, setting his book aside. “My plan was perfect, make Equestria bow “To the Friendship Empress – and I’ll tell you how: “Steal all the magic from across the land “‘Cept the Power of Friendship – at my command! “I hit a few snags, a problem here or there “But that is life, so I really didn’t care! “Step one was pulled off without a hitch, “Remove Starlight Glimmer, that purple – ” “Ooh, I like that part of the plan!” Chrysalis exclaimed, clapping her hooves. “No interruptions!” Cozy insisted. “I ruled all, ‘twas a piece of cake “But Neighsay said I was a fake “He took the Friendship School from me, “But was I worried? No siree! “I turned students into a mob “And took power back from that snob! “Now the School was in my control “I had just achieved all of my goals!” “To be honest, I feel there were some missing steps between ruling the school and conquering Equestria,” Tirek said. “Eh, I’d wing it,” Cozy said. “The students all were in my thrall “Because I was friends with them all! “Friends are Power, I’d learned so well “I was Twilight’s requiem knell! “But then my plans all went sour “SOMEHOW in the final hour “Six creatures took all my work “And ruined it, BECAUSE THEY’RE JERKS!” Cozy Glow landed on the table and turned around her book, revealing that it was the yearbook for the School of Friendship – and she’d used crayons to creatively edit six pictures in particular. She pointed to each in turn. “Gallus, Smolder, Ocellus too “Sandbar, Yona, I hate their crew! “Silverstream rounds them all out “I SWEAR I’LL WIN IN OUR NEXT BOUT! “Everything had been going just fine “Until they ruined my designs! “So now I’m planning in what way “I’ll end them all and MAKE THEM PAY!” “I’ll make them pay, and you’ll see how! “I’ll make them pay, and all will bow! “I’ll make them pay, and by golly! “I’ll make them pay, THEY’LL BE SORRY!” Cozy snapped her yearbook shut, laughing as she did, though she did pause a moment to grab another cookie and scarf it down. Chrysalis observed her glee, then looked to Tirek. “So she sang at you as well?” She asked. “The practice version, yes,” Tirek confirmed, picking his book back up and opening to where he’d left off. “Rhyming needed a little work. The choreography was quite good already, though, she didn’t need any help there.” “Not surprising. I’m not sure the meter was exactly perfect through the song, but it – ” “Excuse me!” Cozy interrupted, slamming a hoof onto the table. “I’m not done!” Chrysalis blinked a few times at that. “Not done? Cozy, the song was long enough already, you got your point across – ” “Not the song,” Cozy drolled, rolling her eyes. “I mean that I always have to listen to you talking about what you plan to do to Thorax and Starlight Glimmer, and I always listen nice and patiently! So aren’t you the least bit curious about exactly how I plan on making each of those six stupid creatures pay? Don’t you think you owe me that?” Chrysalis gave the question all the consideration and deep thought it merited. “No,” she answered immediately. “Well too bad!” Cozy Glow exclaimed.
2. Dumb Fish Bird PrincessSo first on my list is Silverstream. Miss High and Mighty herself. Tallest student in the school, built like a fashion model, and she thinks that just because she’s all beautiful and also she’s actual royalty that it means okay if she acts like a feathery clone of Pinkie Pie! And she’s waaay too touchy-feely. “You did so good on your test! Hug! You got the same lunch as me! Hug! It’s a Tuesday! HUG!” Ugh, sooo annoying. And she made me try sushi! Made me eat fish! So she’s first on my list. Silverstream will be weeping and crying and making a huge scene all over the place once I’m Empress of Equestria. “Oh no! This is totally not good!” She’ll say. “How could this have happened to us? We were such good friend with one another and the Tree of Harmony gave us all kinds of power and we even had stairs on our side – ” Stairs? Yes, Tirek, stairs. She has this thing about stairs. There’s none in Seaquestria since they don’t have legs and it’s all underwater, and she’d been down there since she was young so she didn’t remember being a hippogriff and having legs. How do you know what she’s going to say if it hasn’t happened yet? It’s called poetic license, Chrysalis! Now do you want me to continue or – wait, don’t answer that, you have to listen! Anyway… “Mwahahahahahahaha!” I’ll laugh. I can see it now, I’ll be sitting on the throne of Equestria and Twilight and Starlight and Luna and Celestia will all be lying at my hooves, defeated! I’ll have my own guard, the Cozy Guard! Because that’s what they’re supposed to do, guard me. And I’ll have my guard bring her into the throne room first! “You fought long and hard,” I’ll say, “but now your resistance is at an end! I’ve captured each of your friends!” I’ll have done that, by the way. “And I’ve decided that you’ll be the first one to suffer!” “No, please not my friends!” Silverstream will cry. “Please, I’ll do anything!” “Mwahahahahahaha! As if I care for your begging! Guards, bring her up here!” And so she’ll be brought up the stairs. The throne will have been raised for just this occasion, made to be fifty – no, a hundred feet off the ground with big stairs leading up to it! It’ll be a last moment of happiness for her, which will make her fall all the sweeter. And I do mean a fall! I’ll push her so she falls down the stairs! One step after another after another, she’ll bounce and roll and tumble all the way down to the bottom and into the waiting tank where – She can fly. What? Silverback or whatever her name was. The hippogriff. She has wings, she can fly. Pushing her down stairs won’t do anything, you push her and she’ll just stabilize herself or take to the air. Grrrr! Okay then, so obviously her wings are going to be all bound up when I do this! The point is that she’ll roll all the way down the stairs into my waiting tank – What happens if she stops rolling halfway down? Are you going to go down and push her again? Look, the point is she’s going to end up in the tank, in the water that’s waiting for her! And then I’ll close down the top! I have a – hang on, where’d the – ha! I drew a picture! Here’s the tank, see? Looks like a giant fish bowl? And that’s all she’ll be from then on is my prisoner! Trapped in a glass prison in my throne room, never able to escape! The tank will be suspended in the ceiling and she’ll never be able to leave! So, what do you think? …honestly? As far as revenge schemes go, it needs work. WHAT?! When you get right down to it, it’s just grievous bodily harm and then being stuck in a fish bowl until you forget to feed her. There’s nothing really personalized about it. But the stairs! I think you made that up and just want an excuse to have a hundred-foot-tall throne. It’s not the throne that’s a hundred feet tall, it’s the dais that – okay, you know what? Fine! It needs work. But I’ve got five more to go!
3. The Green Boring OneNow I know what you’re thinking. Sandbar is a pony just like me, and I can’t possibly bring myself to ever take revenge on a fellow pony, can I? Well, you’re wrong! Sandbar is the worst of the lot, because he’s a pony like me and should have done everything I said but instead he chose to side with his dumb friends! If it wasn’t for him they’d have all been locked in their room and never would have stopped me! It’s basically his fault that I’m even in this dumb cave and taking orders from an old goat. So he’ll be the next one into the throne room. The first thing he’ll see is Silverstream in her fish bowl up in the ceiling, stuck up there and forced to watch as my next victim is brought in by my Cozy Guard – oh, hang on, I’ve got the uniform designs for them all picked out! What do you think? I don’t see the point of uniforms. I don’t see the point of minions. Well, fine, but you have to admit that the bows will really help sell the whole outfit. Speaking of bows, the Cozy Guard will bring him in and put him in front of my throne. He’ll be all dejected and defeated just like Silverstream, but Silverstream never shuts up but Sandbar is more likely to just clam up like the turtles he’s got on his flank. I won’t even need to break his spirit, it’ll already be broken! And that’s when I’ll put my plan in action! He’s going to be my maid! …okay but why, though? Heeheehee, you’ll love this. See, Sandbar doesn’t just attend the school, he actually lives in Ponyville, his mother and father and little sister all live there. I can get to his family so easily, once I’m ruling my own slice of Equestria! So I’ll have his family hostage, his mom and dad and little sister, and if Sandbar doesn’t do everything I say then I’ll take it out on them! Oh, and his mom and dad will also be my maids, and Coral – that’s his sister, she’s just a little filly, like a yearling, I think – can be my little friend! Okay, I understand that…what I’m not understanding is why he’s your maid, or why you want him as your maid. And why that’s a good form of revenge. This hippogriff mare gets stuck in a fishbowl for the rest of her life, but you let the pony just wander around almost freely cleaning up after your messes? You’re not thinking long-term, Chrysalis! I mentioned Coral, didn’t I? I’m going to be her very best friend! She’s just a little filly and doesn’t know anything yet, but she’ll be by my side! I’ll heap all sorts of praise on her and I’ll play games with her, and make sure that she is trained in all sorts of martial arts so that she becomes a ninja – Wait, what? And Sandbar will only be able to watch as I turn his little sister into my most loyal and trusted minion! What’s a ninja? It’s a kind of spice. That’s ginger. Is it? My mistake. How do you not know that? I told you I wasn’t much of a cook – A “ninja” is what Coral will be! She’ll take out my enemies and sabotage my foes! I read about them in this Power Ponies comic, they were fighting ninjas belonging to the Hoof clan. But in any event, you see what I’m going for, right? Making Sandbar’s little sister into my trusted minion will be the worst pain I could inflict upon him! Mwuhahahahahahaha! What if her loyalty to her brother is stronger than her loyalty to you and she turns on you? My personal experience is the opposite. …moving on!
4. Loud Hairy Wrecking BallLet me ask you something, you ever try to get any kind of beauty sleep when a yak is in the dorm room next to yours? Sharing it with a hyperactive hippogriff that lives off of sugar and sushi? Because I have and it’s awful! All I ever heard was yak this and yak that and yak the other thing! Yaks best at everything and not bad at anything except letting me sleep in! Now Yona is big and strong, so I’ve got to admit that getting revenge on her won’t be easy. I can’t just push her down some stairs, she’ll probably just break the stairs on the way down and be fine, and I’m saving the lava sharks for later – What? But revenge is definitely doable! First thing first is that she’s sooo proud of being a yak, so I’m going to take everything yak away from her! I’ll have the Cozy Guard shave off all her fur! See, this is already better. More personalized. Gee, thanks! Anyway, once she’s been shaved, I’ll stick her outside in the courtyard! I’ll let all my new friends see what a yak without fur looks like! She’ll be shivering and crying and she’ll be all like, “Yak not like this because yak supposed to have fur but now yak not have fur and yak with no fur is no yak! Now yak is cold and shamed! Yak-yak-yikity-yak – ” I have done nothing to deserve that! What? You just insulted her in Yak. That’s what their language actually sounds like? I was just making up words! It is an ancient and complex language. Inflection is very important. You just said – It doesn’t matter what she said. If it was a mistake, then fine, I won’t be mad. Hmm, I’m going to look it up later…but anyway, after she’s suffered for a few days, that’s when I’ll have her brought back inside. I don’t think I’d really want to see a yak without fur, but she’s so clumsy that I can’t miss this golden opportunity! Every court needs a jester, right? So I’m going to have her all dressed up in bright colors with bells and whoopee cushions all around her, and I’ll make her dance! I have a picture for this too. Note the bells on her horns! I would advise – Oh, wait, those horns could be dangerous, couldn’t they? New thought, they’ll filed down constantly. She won’t be allowed to have them. But I’ll put fake horns with bells on them. Very good. Thanks! Now I know what you’re thinking, she’s stumbling around the court room but could be causing all sorts of problems if she wanted by running into guards or even charging at me, right? I mean, yeah, I’m a pegasus and I can fly, but she might catch me unawares or something? Well, I thought of that! The entire middle of the court room is going to be dug out and a big pit will be put in, with a grate over the top! So she’s down there and I can watch her make a fool of herself for my own personal amusement, but there’s no way for her to get out! But I’m still not done. Her stomping about and bumping into things and tripping over her own mane once it grows back is going to get old if that’s all she’s doing. So first, of course, there’ll be a steady supply of lemon meringue pies. Pies are always funny, and plus it’ll give her something to eat down there. There’s also going to be seltzer water for gags and she can drink that. I’ll have to ensure a steady supply of comedy props and gags as well. Rubber chickens, balls to juggle, unicycles, oh and she’ll need instructors for that, you don’t just pick up unicycling and juggling. And of course we’ll need a tiny car for her to get out of – It’s a lot less impressive when there’s a tiny car but only one creature climbs out. Yeah, but that one creature is a yak! Did I hear you were going to be getting her instructors? Of course! She’s going to need to be taught how to be funny, turned into a real clown! Her spirit will be all broken to pieces and she’ll take solace in the only thing she can, being a clown! A clown for me! I’ll put a trapeze in the pit, and flaming rings, and maybe a tiger! And maybe I’ll even put other creatures down there and make them perform as well! I’ll have my own personal three-ring circus! Hay, as long as I’ve got Silverstream in a fishbowl I can make her sing for me too! Because of course she has an amazing singing voice, it’s not enough that she’s tall and beautiful and a princess already… I actually like this one. Very well thought-out, and I like the part where you trap the two of them in prisons they can’t escape from. Thanks! Okay, next…
5. Stupid Book BugNext up is Ocellus – The changelings are mine. But – If any creature is going to be getting revenge on changelings, it’s me! But I put in all this time and effort, this is the best plan yet – look, here’s a picture, see the trained maulwurf that I’ll be riding after her, and this false-front to the Prench café will be so fun to set up – The changelings. Are. MINE! Alright! Alright! Fine, I’ll leave the book-bug alone…dunno why you care, you’ve got plenty of changelings, what’s it matter if I take revenge on just one… Yes, Chrysalis, what does it matter, especially just one drone? HHHZZZKKK! Fine. Sorry I asked.
6. Smelly Fire-Spitting LizardOoh, Smolder…I tried really hard to like every creature at the school because they were all supposed to be my friends, but I never liked Smolder! Have you ever been in her dorm room? You’re asking if I, an eight foot tall ancient threat to Equestria, have ever been inside one of the dorm rooms of the School of Friendship. Yes. …no, no I haven’t. Well it stinks! And I don’t mean that in some kind of metaphorical way for it being dumb or stupid, although it is, but I mean it literally stinks! It smells like smoke all the time, you can even smell it out in the hallway and that’s after Professor Rarity had a bunch of cleaning ponies fumigate it after Ocellus molted in there and made it stink even worse! But that’s not the worst part, the worst part is that Smolder stole everything from everypony for the first few weeks of school! Every time there was a missing pen or book or bits or pillow or anything, guaranteed it was because she took it! She even took a bunch of bows from my dorm room, she doesn’t even have hair! And on top of that, she never tried to be nice to me! I was nice as could be to her. She never apologized for stealing stuff from us even when Professor Dash finally made her stop but she acted like she hadn’t done anything wrong, and then when I was making cupcakes for everypony I made sure to make a few cupcakes with zircons in them just for her and all she did was grunt at me! Not even a “thank you” or “that was nice of you” or nothing! She acted like I was her enemy but I hadn’t even turned the school on her or tried to banish all her friends into a dark oblivion yet! So I’ve put a lot of thought into how I’m going to get her back. We’ll be at an active volcano with my Cozy Guard. She’ll be looking at me and be all like, “I never trusted you because I was secretly all super jealous of how cute and adorable you are, which is something I could never be because I’m a big stinky stupid dragon!” She’ll say that, will she? Yes! And I’ll say, “I know you are, and I’ve prepared something special for you!” And I push her into the lava! Now I know this starts out a lot like my plan with Silverstream, I bet you can see the similarities between pushing a creature into water and into lava and trust me, you have no idea! So to start with, yes, her wings will be bound up, so she won’t fly away when she plunges headfirst into liquid hot lava! Dragons are fireproof. I know that! But that is where the lava sharks come in! An entire school of them, I’m thinking hammerheads but great white sharks are a classic and makos have that really long tail that – I would like to pause a moment to discuss the lava sharks. Those don’t, well, exist. Wait, really? Huh, there’s so much strange stuff in the world I kinda’ figured that they’d have to…oh well, okay then, phase one will be to create lava sharks – How? I don’t know! Do you see a shark on my flank, huh? No! Alright then, phase one will be to find a shark breeder – How are you planning on creating a breed of sharks that can survive in lava? I’m not, that’s what the shark breeder will be for! So he’ll get me my sharks and I’ll put them in the volcano – Where is the volcano? Under Canterlot! Obviously! The Canterhorn isn’t a volcano, there’s no lava there. Trust me, I’ve been under it. Actually on that note I want to go back to that throne room. So your throne is going to be a hundred feet tall and you’re also going to have a deep pit to keep the yak in. I’ve been in the throne room of Canterlot Castle, it’s not that big. There’s going to be a lot of renovations, okay?! You’re going to renovate the Canterhorn into being an active volcano? No, not me, obviously, I’ll be getting ponies to do this for me, I’m sure I can get the pony power – It’s not a question of pony power, it’s a question of plate tectonics! The Canterhorn isn’t sitting on a hot spot, how will you even – PHASE ONE WILL BE TO TURN THE CANTERHORN INTO AN ACTIVE VOLCANO, PHASE TWO WILL BE TO GET A SHARK BREEDER TO CREATE LAVA SHARKS, PHASE THREE WILL BE TO PUT THOSE SHARKS INTO THE CANTERHORN’S LAVA, AND PHASE FOUR WILL BE TO SHOVE SMOLDER INTO THE LAVA! …what’s phase five? You know what? We’re moving on!
7. Stupid Griffon Who Thinks He's So Cool But He's NOTI hate Gallus. I hate Gallus so much. I’ve hated him ever since I first set eyes on him, although I didn’t know it at the time, I just thought he was some blue griffin who’d been sent to diversify the School of Friendship. So I tried to be friends with him, and it actually almost worked. The quickest way to any creature’s heart is through their stomach, after all, and that was especially true for Gallus! He was the first one of this group that I reached out to before I knew how they’d become my enemies. I made him cupcakes just like normal when I want to make a friend, and Gallus took them! And unlike Smolder he actually thanked me. It took him a while to eat them, and at first I thought it was that he didn’t really like them and I was super mad – but then I learned how he’d grown up in Griffonstone, that he was an orphan like me but hadn’t been left anything by his parents, and I realized that he wasn’t putting off eating them, he was saving them, savoring them! I was sooo happy! If I wasn’t so busy manipulating the whole school into becoming my willing puppets doing my every bidding I would have made him even more cupcakes, tried to make him especially loyal. In hindsight I really wish I had, I bet he would have done anything I asked if I’d just fed him enough. But I figured quantity had a quality all of its own. Friendship is power, after all, and if I had all the friends then I’d have all the power! But then he turned on me! After the cupcakes I’d made for him and all the help I’d given him and his friends, even stupid Smolder and Yona and Silverstream they were just instantly suspicious of me when I sent Twilight and her friends off to Tartaros and imprisoned Starlight Glimmer! For no reason other than I was being “too nice”. Too nice?! What does that even mean?! If they’d just stayed out of my way I wouldn’t have done anything to them, wouldn’t have even needed to, but nooo, they just had to go digging and discover what I’d done and then stop me! So I know just what I’m going to do to Gallus. I’m saving him for last and I’m going to savor making him suffer just like he savored my cupcakes. I’ll have the table in my dining hall all prepared and loaded down with a feast just for me, and he’ll be brought in by my Cozy Guard and sat down at the end of the table. Not immediately. He’ll have been in my dungeons for, oh, four or five days already by that point. “What have you done to my friends?!” He’ll demand. “Oh, Sandbar is right here!” I’ll tell him. I’ll smile and point to Sandbar, and he’ll be off to the side, my new servant. “Yona and Silverstream are in the throne room. I fed Smolder to lava sharks, last I saw her she was disappearing under liquid rock, I’m sure she’s a goner. As for Ocellus, I don’t know, I guess that’s up to Queen Chrysalis.” Gallus will get all defiant at this and angry, but he won’t have the strength to do too much. I won’t have fed him while he was my prisoner, you see, and I’ll be having fried vegetables and a big bowl of mashed potatoes and bread rolls and a salad and a desert of cheesecake. I know that he’ll only be half-paying attention to me. He’ll be looking at the food. I’ll clean my plate, eat every last thing save for a few crusts of bread, and I’ll let Gallus have that, and maybe he’ll refuse it at first but I know that even if he does he’ll give in tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after that. He won’t let himself starve. And after the first time he eats, he’ll eat every time after that. Eating’s a hard habit to break. “I know you’ve been working on an escape plan,” I’ll say at some point, some day. “Of course I have,” he’ll say. “It’s no use. I rule Equestria now! Everypony is my friend! Friendship is Power!” “No it’s not. Friendship is more than power, Cozy Glow!” “Then why are you here? Why are you my prisoner? Where’s your precious Princess of Friendship? I have all the friends – so I have all the power! You only have five friends, or four now, or maybe three depending on what Chrysalis did. You can’t beat me!” And he’ll try and make some kind of argument, against what I said, but it won’t work. Deep down he’ll know it’s true, because I’ll be the ruler of all of Equestria and he’ll just be one griffon who can’t even save any of his friends. But then I’ll offer my friendship to him. Gallus won’t accept at first, I know it, but as he keeps eating with me, keeps listening, he’ll start to waver. I know he will! He’ll listen to me eventually. He’ll have to, he’ll have no choice! I’ll grant him better accommodations if he listens to me and does what I say, and better food, and maybe even I’ll let him spend some time with Yona or Silverstream or Sandbar, talk to them, convince them to listen to me and do what I say! And then he’ll be my friend! The ultimate revenge for a creature who stood against me – getting them to join me! To be beside me!
8. The Schemes Continue...Chrysalis was leaning forward on the table, drawn in to this last plot of Cozy Glow’s. Tirek was staring as well, although he looked a good deal more perturbed. The remaining cookies had been forgotten on the table as the two far older beings had listened to the younger one. “It sounds like you have a crush on this Gallus creature,” Tirek intoned. Cozy had her hoof on the griffin’s picture on her yearbook, and stomped down on it a few times. “Yes! I absolutely want to crush Gallus! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! The way he’s an orphan like me, his sarcasm he thinks is so funny, his stupid big wings and the way the down on his chest looks fluffy and that thing that his head-crest feathers do, how they sweep forward in a way that he thinks is cool but it’s totally not…” “You are too young to be ‘crushing’ any creature like that – ” “Oh calm down, Tirek,” Chrysalis interrupted, waving a hoof. She licked her lips and turned to look at the centaur, grinning. “It’s nothing to be worried about, it’s just puppy lo – er, hate. Puppy hate.” Cozy Glow turned a wide-eyed stare onto Chrysalis, gasping in shock. “I don’t hate puppies! Puppies are cute and cuddly and I’d never hate a puppy! Plus if I had a puppy with me, imagine how much cuter I’d be.” She put her hooves to her cheeks and offered a bright, wide grin. “Me plus a puppy would be the greatest weapon this team ever had!” She dropped her grin and her hooves, looking between Chrysalis and Tirek. “Especially since some creatures can’t figure out how the Bewitching Bell works.” “Don’t change the subject – ” “I’m telling you, it’s nothing to be concerned about,” Chrysalis insisted. She grinned wickedly at Tirek. “Although I find it very interesting that you’re concerned at all.” The centaur recoiled at Chrysalis’ grin and waggling brow. He waved a hand at Cozy. “I don’t know what it’s like with changelings, but centaurs have standards about these things!” “Mm-hmm.” Chrysalis droned. She lifted another cookie and bit into it, chewing thoughtfully and not breaking eye contact with Tirek as she did. She licked at the air, tasting it. “Purely uninvolved, principled standards, of course.” Tirek shifted, crossing his arms and looking away. “Cozy Glow and I have been allies since I broke free from Tartaros. It shouldn’t surprise you that I’m concerned for her well-being. She is…dependable.” “Mm-hmm…” Chrysalis repeated. Cozy looked between the two of them. “Are you two okay?” She asked. “You’re acting really weird…” Both looked to Cozy a moment, before glancing away. “No weirder than you,” Chrysalis insisted. “Are you done with your little revenge schemes?” “Hmm?” Cozy asked. She finally lifted her hoof from the yearbook, looking down at the pictures there. “Oh…of course not! I hate those six the most, I hate them so much, especially Smolder and especially-especially Gallus, but I need revenge on the whole school! They all turned on me, and I’ll make them all pay!” She turned the yearbook to its first page of pictures. “Let’s see, Apple Sorbet! She was three dorm rooms down from me…” Chrysalis groaned, grabbing another cookie, rubbing one temple as Cozy rambled on. That yearbook looked thick - they were going to be here for a while...and no doubt tomorrow would bring more ranting, or else the ceaseless noise of Tirek's working, grunting and clanging and banging She looked down to the purple wooden stick that was her constant companion. “We need a vacation,” she whispered to it.
