Which One of You Is It!?

by LitMatchStick

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, Anon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Random, Discord, Human
Length: 5082

Anon has a burning question for the Mane Six.

One of the mane six likes mares. Anon took it upon himself to find out who.

Head Graphics

Published 2020-02-04 05:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-04 05:20:01 UTC

Is it you!?

"Rainbow Dash!"

"Who? What?" Rainbow Dash said, groggily sitting up from her lawn chair shaped cloud. She rubbed the sleep from one of her eyes as she squinted around her front yard, which was also all cloud. "Anon? Is that⁠—" she yawned, stretching as she did, "—Aaahs'that you?"

Rising up in a pink hot air balloon to greet the pegasus in her awakening was none other than the human himself. He parked his ride at the edge of her cloudominium, and practically walked over the basket's side without so much as staggering. Then, Anon made his way to the pegasus, standing with his arms crossed, and his shadow cast over her.

With the sun no longer in her eyes, Rainbow Dash stopped squinting and saw the look on the human's face: determination bordering anger. That might also explain his seamless gait.

"So... What's up?" she said.

"Are you the one?" There was no humor in his voice, only business.

She raised an eyebrow. "Am I the what?".

"Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about!" He suddenly crouched down and grabbed the pegasus by her shoulders. "Are. You. The. One." His face inched ever closer with each word, ending with their noses mere inches from touching.

Ever so gently, Rainbow Dash forcefully shoved the human away, throwing him on his back. She finally got up from her cloud lawn chair and dusted herself off, unamusement on her face. "Just because I woke up doesn't mean I can't send you to the hospital if you try that again."

Picking himself off the ground with the grace of a cat with cerebellar hypoplasia, he posed with one hand on his hip and the other pointing at the pegasus. "Answer the question!" he shouted.

"What question? What are you even talking about? "

"Are you gay!?"

The pegasus stared at the human in his silly pose, one eye twitching as she processed what she just heard. "...What!?" she managed to blurt out.

"Stop stalling! Are you gay or not?"

"Wha⁠— You⁠— No! I mean⁠— Why does that matter!?"

Anon flinched. "Wait, what!? You're the first one I came to because I thought you were! How are you not!?"

"Because I'm not, okay! Why do ponies keep thinking that? And why are you up here? Did you bother Twilight to put that cloud-walking spell on you just so you can ask me that?"

"That is... partially true. I may have come up here just for that, but⁠—" His eyes went wide. "Did you say cloud-walking spell?"

"Yeah, what about it?" Rainbow Dash practically spat the words out.

The human glanced down at his feet and then back to the pegasus. "Shi⁠—" And just like that, he fell through the cloud, leaving a small Anon-shaped hole where he stood.

Rainbow Dash rushed over to the hole where she could hear the sound of a grown man screaming in the distance. Sighing, she extended her wings out and lowered herself into a take-off stance.

"What a wake-up call..."

Taking a specific color of purple off the spool rack, Rarity hummed her way across the room where her sewing machine was situated. As she passed by the elliptical window of her second-floor room, she gave it a glance to see how the world currently was.

She was instead met with the sight of a human pressed against her window. Dirtier than usual too, as he was covered in leaves, twigs, and a few bruises.

"My word!" She gasped, dropping the spool from her magical grasp.

Her eyes locked with his and she stood there, speechless. It was only when he knocked on the glass that she snapped out of it.

"Arr yo tha one?" he said.

Thinking it better to let the fellow in rather than having a conversation muffled through glass and half one's face squished, Rarity opened the side of the window that wasn't obstructed.

"I hope you don't mind, but perhaps we could talk in here?" she said, her head peeking out of the window. "Just a suggestion, of course, but certainly better than..." She glanced towards the ground one floor away and then back at the human. "...falling."

Anon squinted and pursed his lips, taking three whole seconds to decide that, no, he did not want to fall.

Backing up from the window, Rarity watched as he scrambled his way in, spreading some of the leafy debris on her carpet and knocking a bare mannequin over in the process. Once he was standing on stable ground, he nodded at her and cleared his throat.

"Thank you," he said before crossing his arms, raising his chin, and speaking a pitch deeper than normal. "Now... Rarity of Ponyville, current bearer of generosity, and owner of Carousel Boutique and all its sister locations⁠—"

"Yes, that is me."

"⁠—I've but one question for you..."

Anon looked down at the unicorn, not saying a word for an uncomfortable length of time.

"...Alright," Rarity said, breaking the silence. "And your question would be⁠—"

The human's voice burst forth from his lungs, speaking in a volume much too loud for the indoors. "ARE YOU⁠—"

"Oh, there he goes."

"⁠—THE ONE!?" Again, silence.

Unlike the first time, Rarity at least had something to work with. The only problem being that his query was just as confusing as the silence before it.

Yet, she did her best, and, after going through some initial 'eh's and 'er's, a fully formed sentence was returned. "And what is this 'one' you are referring to?"

Anon spoke again, putting way too much effort into saying the first word. "IN, your group of friends, are you, Ms. Rarity, the one who, some may call, gay?"

"My word, Anon!" the unicorn said, reeling in shock and with one hoof on her chest. "That's too much a personal question to ask somepony you've hardly met. With such directness and no tact as well, tch, how rude!"

"Stop stalling! Gay or nay!?"

"No, I am not!"

Anon fell to his knees, causing more leafy debris to fall off, and raised his hands up towards the ceiling before shouting a lengthy 'No!' for as long as he had breath.

Ignoring his wail, Rarity walked beside the human, closing her eyes and looking away from him. "Now I don't know what this is about, asking ponies about their personal preferences and such, but I must ask that you leave at once. I was reluctant to let you in at first, seeing you in such a mess, but you've forced my hoof, Anon. Out with you."

As the unicorn began nudging the human's shoulder to get him moving, his eyes widened in realization. "Wait," he said, "Sugarcube Corner is nearby."

"Yes, go there and not here. I need time to⁠—" Before she could finish, the human jumped to his feet and charged through her window. "Anon, no!"

Broken wood and glass accompanied Anon on the way down, shattering once they hit the ground and causing nearby ponies to run and scream.

Rarity walked over to the gaping hole in her window, a small magical barrier protecting her hooves from the shards littering her even dirtier carpet. She saw the glass-covered human crawling through the scattered remains of her window, embedding more pieces into himself, and leaving a trail of red behind him.

"Goodness gracious, what is the matter with him!?" the unicorn said. Picking up what first-aid kit she had hidden away in her workstation, she ran down the safe way to help him.

"Hey Anon! How'd you get in here?" Pinkie said while walking from one corner of her party planning cave to the other. Stacks of folders were on her back, of which several events and milestones were labeled.

Anon, cleared of foliage but now covered in bandages across his limbs, midsection, and the top of his head, stood proudly against his crutch as he held a closed fist above his stomach. "I ate my way in."

Pinkie took one glance at him, saw his mouth covered in crumbs, as well as the hole full of bite marks above him, and replied with a curt, "Neato!" Then she continued on with her party planning.

"Don't know how you did that," she added, rummaging through a filing cabinet, "Especially since Sugarcube Corner isn't actually made of gingerbread, and my cave is, well, a cave, so that's pretty cool."

Anon's stomach rumbled and he fought down whatever was trying to come back up. "Bleh... Nevermind that. You know why I'm here, don't you?"

Slamming the filing cabinet close and with her back turned to him, Pinkie stood on her hind legs while crossing her forelegs. She began chuckling, quietly at first, but with each 'hm', 'heh', and 'ha' she made, the louder and more maniacal it became. Soon, the only thing they could hear was the sound of the party pony's laughter echoing around the walls of the cave. And if that wasn't enough, the room's lighting also went dim.

"Damn you," Anon said, a scowl forming on his face. Shuffling himself sideways, he pointed a finger at the crazed mare in the most extravagant way possible. "If you know of my question, then answer me!"

Pinkie Pie half-turned, staring back with a sideways glance and an even scowlier scowl. "I don't need to..."

"You dare⁠—"

"...Because you already know the answer!" She mimicked his motions, pointed a hoof at him while an ambiguous light shined under her face.

The human gasped and thunder roared throughout the cave. Defeated, Anon's accusation arm went limp, and he hung his head in shame. The room returned to its original brightness and the pink pony stood back on all fours, wearing her usual cheery expression.

"...Cheese Sandwich?" Anon said.

"Cheese Sandwich," Pinkie replied.

"Right."

"..."

"..."

"...Do you need help getting to the hospital?"

Anon's stomach grumbled and he burped, a cloud of dirt and debris escaping his mouth. "Y-yes, please... Ow... It hurts to talk..."

Tik

Twilight's head shot up from her book. She quickly scanned the room but found nothing. Shrugging, she sank her head back into the pages.

Tik

Again, the alicorn looked up and around her personal library, and, like before, there was nothing. Slowly, she lowered her head back into her book, her eyes squinting and glancing from side to side until she saw nothing but words.

Tik

An eye twitched, but nothing more.

Tik

Tik

Tik

...

Twilight held her breath, waiting for the next interruption to her quiet.

...

...

...

Releasing a sigh, she let herself get more comfortable in her sofa before continuing on, a content smile on her face.

...

Smashing the window of her castle's library, a rock the size of a pony's head came flying through.

Twilight yelped, covering herself with a wing and conjuring up a barrier around herself. She grimaced as the ensuing crash pounded against her eardrums, the reverb of the castle not doing her any favors. It wasn't until the final thud of the rock was heard that the alicorn peaked through a crack between her feathers to see the results.

The shelves and all their books were surprisingly untouched.

To her surprise, the other sofas and chairs weren't as decimated as the crash made it seem. Maybe requiring a bit of cleaning here and there, but they were nonetheless usable.

Lastly, covered in transparent crystal shards and the rock that caused the mess, was the coffee table. Despite appearing messy, the table itself was fine, being made of the same crystal as her castle's walls.

Overall, everything was either alright or salvageable, and Twilight had nothing to worry about.

"No..."

At least... everything except the books on top of the coffee table.

The alicorn immediately dropped her barrier and picked up all of the crystal shards in one magical swoop. As she clumped them together into a giant ball hovering above her, she scrambled to the table.

The books were ruined. Scratch marks lined the covers, while those unlucky enough to have soft covers had cuts as deep as fifty pages running across them. It'd take a week or two to get them all replaced. Worst yet, they were all books she's yet to read.

Twilight wanted to scream. She wanted to cry. She wanted so much to despair for her unread material. Instead, something in her mind snapped.

Whatever emotion was on her face was gone. Her visage was blank, neither showing a smile nor a frown.

Taking the ball of crystals with her, she took to the broken window high up in her library. She calmly hovered through the opening, rearranging the crystals into long, snaking lines so they could follow her through. Once outside, she rearranged the crystals again, this time creating multiple halos behind her.

Far below, sitting in a wheelchair several meters from the base of her castle, was Anon. He was wearing a blue hospital gown with small plastic tubes coming out from the back and connecting to various bags hanging on an IV stand right beside him. On his lap was a slingshot, and raised above his head was a sign. The sign read:

U R BIG GAY??

Twilight hovered in place, giving no reaction, while the crystals behind her began to reform again. When they were done, they read:

N O

One unnatural twitch later, and the alicorn's seething rage manifested on her face. Reaching up to the sky, she spread the crystals far apart, hovering them over the human like a cloud of knives. Her gaze snapped to her target, and the crystals did the same.

The last thing Anon could think of was wishing he didn't have his colostomy bag removed.

"Now now, Fluttershy, allow me."

Floating to the door, Discord turned both hinges ninety degrees in both directions before swinging the door open on its doorknob. "And who do I have the pleasure of speaking to⁠— Oh, Anon! It's you!"

Anon was now in a different wheelchair, but instead of a gown, he wore nothing but bandages covering every inch of his body besides his eyes. One of his legs was propped up, sticking straight out in front of him, and his head was held in place by a head brace that didn't seem too comfortable.

"My, don't you look like you've had a busy day." He received a glare. "Why, yes, mine was also quite riveting."

"Who is it Discord?" Fluttershy said, walking in from her kitchen.

At the sound of the pegasus' voice, Anon's eyes widened and he squirmed in his seat, grunting all the while. Discord couldn't help but smirk at the sight.

Floating off to the side, the draconequus gestured to the door with both hands, saying, "Take a look for yourself."

Fluttershy stopped dead in her tracks, a look of terror on her face when she saw the grotesque creature spasming outside her cottage. She took a step back and almost fled to her kitchen if she didn't remember Discord hovering right there, acting calm as ever.

"Uh... is that... your friend?" she said, doing her best not to make eye contact with the thing. The draconequus put a paw to his chest and gasped in faux offense.

"Fluttershy! Don't you know your dear friend Anon?" He snapped, disappearing and reappearing behind the wheelchair. He placed his hands on the human's shoulder, inciting muffled groans of discomfort. "He just came by to say hello among, oh, other things."

The pegasus tilted her head before taking another moment to observe the creature again. When she saw the perverted eyes of someone filled with an undying desire for degeneracy, she gasped. "Anon, it is you!"

Anon stopped shaking and nodded.

"I didn't recognize you through your... bandages?" Fluttershy gasped again and approached the door. "What happened to you? Are you okay?"

Before she could leave her door, Discord flew in front of her, blocking her way. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that." He knelt down so he could whisper into her ear. "He's feeling very personal about his injuries, and would rather not talk about it." Straightening himself out, he looked back at their visitor. "Isn't that right?"

Anon gave a curt grumble.

"You see? No problem at all."

"Uh... Okay, I guess," Fluttershy said. "Umm... Would you like to come in⁠—"

Again, Discord blocked her view. "Oh, no no no, Anon is very busy at the moment. He's been feeling very curious about a certain... aspect, of Ponyville's populace and was determined to find the answers, despite his current condition. I don't know about you, but that's dedication I can respect."

Anon glared at the draconequus, who returned a wink with a literal eye on the back of his head.

"Oh. Okay." Fluttershy leaned her head to the side, seeing the human looking grumpier than ever. "Is that why you're here Anon?"

The human pried his glare from Discord so he could properly address her. "Hrmm," he said with utmost purpose.

Moving around her mish-mashed guest, she finally met Anon at her door. Discord meanwhile slowly pivoted in place, his head leaning against one hand, which was propped up with his other arm, all the while wearing a knowing smile.

"Mmm⁠—" Anon stopped, scowled, and tried again. "Rrrmm mmm⁠—" His nostrils blew out a rush of air. He closed his eyes and gave himself a few seconds for his heart to slow. "Mmmm mm mmm..."

The wheelchair-bound human attempted to groan out his frustration but managed to forget he was wearing a head brace. When he threw his head back for further emphasis, the brace broke, and his head got stuck looking up. The following vocalizations were not from his emotional pain.

Fluttershy grimaced, hiding behind a hoof and wing. She only looked again when the human's grunts turned into less worrying sounds of rapid breathing. "A-Anon?" Behind her, the draconequus had tears running down his cheeks while both his hands were busy keeping his mouth shut.

Before he could break, a third hand opened a latch on his neck, reached in, and pulled a tiny jack-in-the-box with a symbol of a smiling mask. A fourth hand unzipped a previously absent zipper floating in the air, uncovering a different realm from their own. With a flick of a finger, the jack-in-the-box was flung through, never to be seen again.

Zipping the interdimensional hole back up, Discord, now at ease, walked next to his pegasus friend and snapped his fingers. Where there was once a sad little human suffering in his seat, there was now a sad little human standing before them, free from injury, bandages, and pain, at least, on the physical level.

Anon looked down at himself, noting that everything about his body had been fixed. Realizing that he could talk again, he looked at the pegasus, straightened up his back, breathed a mighty breath, and⁠—

"As Anon was trying to ask you..." Discord said, holding a finger up to the human's lips. He glanced at Anon, who scowled back. "What would you prefer in a romantic partner?"

"O-oh!" Fluttershy held a hoof up to her mouth and her face turned a slight pink. "I didn't realize it would be so personal."

"Yes, well, do try to keep it professional. Anon is taking this very seriously."

The human finally slapped Discord's hand away from his mouth and nearly said something highly derogatory if not for the fact he heard what the draconequus said.

He is taking this very seriously ⁠— that, he will not deny.

Crossing his arms, he nodded.

"W-well... Umm..." Fluttershy looked at the ground while rubbing the side of her foreleg. "I suppose I'd want him to be... nice..."

"So you want him to be nice?" Discord said, glancing at Anon. The human cursed under his breath.

"Yeah... maybe..." The pegasus' eyes darted to the all-powerful entity beside her and then back at the ground. "M-maybe, somepony like you, Discord..."

Both the draconequus' and the human's eyes widened. They looked at each with similar degrees of shock and confusion before both their gazes landed on the yellow mare.

"I-I mean⁠—!" Frantically, Fluttershy started taking steps back, her face turning redder by the second. "N-not you specifically, like, maybe there's somebody⁠— err! Somepony, that acted like you, and treated me as nicely as you, but wasn't you. B-but that doesn't mean I wouldn't be okay if it was y-you, it's just that... Umm... I⁠—"

Fluttershy bumped into the back wall of her living room, having retreated all the way from the door. The others' gazes were still locked on her, making her wish she'd turn into a rabbit and scurry away.

Wait.

"Err⁠— A-Angel, it's time for your dinner! " And with that, the pegasus was gone, dashing away into her kitchen and parts unknown.

Discord straightened himself out, stroking his chin as he eyed the opening leading into the kitchen. "Well, that was... subtle," he said.

His gaze lingered for another moment longer before he turned towards the human outside the door. "I suppose you should get back to you-know-what."

Discord snapped his talons and a flip phone appeared, floating beside Anon's head. The human reluctantly took it out of the air and opened it. There was only one button, and on it was a green silhouette of a telephone and a picture of Discord's head.

"The only button you'll need." The draconequus lowered his head, eye-level with the human so he could feel the smugness emanating from him. "I want you to tell me all about the last one."

Opening its large wooden doors, Applejack allowed the waning sun to further brighten the barn's interior. The day's work was completed, and all that's left to do was to return the empty bushels back to storage. With the cart of the wooden containers in tow, she headed towards the far wall of the barn.

Once there, she began unloading the cart, picking up stacks of up to four bushels at a time. She didn't have to take so few at a time as she was perfectly capable of carrying all of them at once. However, she felt at ease today and found no reason to rush. Eventually, Applejack set the last of the bushels down before sitting down herself.

As she took a moment to look upon the empty containers, the barn doors slammed shut. Applejack yelped, jumping into the air and landing on her rump. A few of the bushel stacks had tipped over, spilling out around her.

Puffing air out her nostrils, she turned around but found no one by the door. She stamped a hoof, yelling, "Alright, which one of you's did that?"

A clatter of noise brought the apple farmer's attention to a corner of the barn near the entrance. Tools that have been standing when she first came in were now lying on the floor. A spare cartwheel was rolling its way to the other side of the barn. And the neatly piled haystack sitting in the corner was a quarter smaller than it used to be, the rest of it scattered across the ground

Approaching the epicenter of the commotion with a scrutinizing gaze, she noticed the haystack was more lively than usual. It shifted and jiggled, occasionally grunting with each motion.

This, the orange mare knew, was not normal. Taking one of the fallen shovels over her shoulder, she slowly advanced on the haystack.

"Now, if there's somepony in there tryin' to play some sorta prank, I'd ask ya to quit now and come out." There was another grunt, and Applejack tensed.

The entire haystack stood up on two legs and sprouted two arms. It turned once to the left and to the right before its hands reached up and parted the hay covering its face. Once it saw the pony with its depraved eyes, it lunged at her.

"Rrrr ymm th wnnn⁠—!"

CLANG

The creature flew out of the haystack and crashed into a nearby support beam. The remaining hay dropped to the ground, creating an even bigger mess. Applejack, standing on her hind legs, clutched the now dented shovel over her other shoulder.

She glared at the thing lying against the broken support, hoping that it stays down. It didn't take her long, however, to recognize the shape and face of the one she just smacked.

"Anon!?" she gasped. Dropping the shovel, she ran to the human and held up his head, careful not to touch the swelling, shovel-shaped bruise covering half of his face. "What in tarnation were you thinkin'?"

There was only a pitiful groan.

Applejack glanced at the cart parked near the bushels. "Just hang tight, I'll get you to the⁠—" Before she could stand and retrieve the cart, a hand fell on her shoulder, and she looked down at him.

"Aaa... Are you..."

"What? What is it, Anon?" she said.

"Aaare you... the gay one?" The pony's eyes widened and she backed away from him, dropping his head. "Ooooow..."

"A-Anon, now's not the best time for that. We need to get you fixed up!" Applejack tried to make a move for the cart but felt something grab her hind leg. She tried to look back at him, but her eyes couldn't stay on his face for too long. "Anon, you're not thinkin' straight."

"And... you... are?" His voice was barely above a whisper.

"Not now Anon." She yanked her leg away and continued on towards the cart.

"If you don't... tell me... I won't go..." This, Applejack stopped for.

"Are you really tellin' me that⁠— Great Seedlin'!" She turned around and saw the state his face was in. "You're bleedin'!"

Indeed, the eye closest to the swelling was bleeding, and not just a little either.

She made her way back to him and lifted one arm over her shoulder. "Looks like I'll be bringin' you to the cart instead." She began to hoist him onto her back, but he didn't budge. "C'mon Anon, work with me. You still got some strength in you⁠— huh?"

When the orange mare made another attempt to pick him up, she finally noticed that his other arm was hooked around the base of the support. "Wha⁠— Really Anon, now!?"

"Answer... the question..." he said, his voice gravelly.

"Your eye is bleeding!"

"I'll let go..."

Glancing between the support and the human's face, Applejack sighed. "...I may have thought about one of my friends as more than friends. There, ya happy?" She felt his grip on the beam loosen, and was finally able to hoist him over her back.

As she carried him to the cart, she let out a huff. "You best not tell anypony... Else it'll be the shovel on the other side of your face."

Anon smiled, though it didn't last long. A few seconds later, his eyes widened, and he, too, huffed. "God... damn it, Discord..."

Author's Note

The hell did I just type

It was...

"So... I'm good?" Anon asked. An ice pack was tied around his head, covering half of his face. There were also bandages underneath that covered the swollen eye.

The pony doctor went through his clipboard, making occasional glances at the human. "Well Mr. Anon, considering you've miraculously bounced back from the three other incidents, all on the same day, I'd say you'll do fine," he said. Flipping back to the first paper, he looked at Anon with tired eyes. "Please, don't come back for a fifth."

Anon was led into the hallway, where he eventually found himself back in the hospital's main entrance lobby. Besides the receptionist dozing away with her head propped up on one hoof, he was alone.

He stared at the ground for a good minute before inhaling the courage to pick up the phone in his pocket. With a flip and a press, he rang for the only one on the other side of the line, choosing an empty seat while he waited.

The sound of another phone's ring made him jump, causing him to look over at the other chairs. Sitting casually among one of them was Discord.

The draconequus picked up his own phone and answered, all the while grinning at Anon. "Hello? Halo? Allô? ¿Diga? Алло? もしもし?"

"Alright, I get it," Anon said through the phone. Both phones were promptly closed and poofed out of existence.

There was a snap, and Discord teleported into the chair next to his. "Aren't you going to tell me?" the draconequus asked, his chin resting on his paw.

"What's there to tell?"

"That Applejack is..." Discord used his other hand to make a circling motion, and right in front of Anon's face.

"You don't have to rub it in, alright." The human turned away, looking at the world outside the hospital's entrance.

"Oh, you don't have to look so dejected. It's not my fault that you didn't believe me."

"But she's the most southern of the six! Any of the other five? Sure. But her? Someone that values tradition the most! How can she be the one and not the literal walking rainbow?"

"You don't know much about pony culture, do you?"

"Ye⁠— No⁠— I⁠—" Anon sank into his chair, his arms hanging over the armrests. "Man... I just wanted to win the bet so I could get a functioning computer in this backwater place."

"With functioning interdimensional internet?"

"That too..."

Discord observed his paw, frequently turning it front and back before pressing the middle finger against the thumb. "You know, I could always send you home," he said, his head resting on his other hand.

"But I get free food here!"

Sighing, Discord straightened himself out and looked down at the pitiful creature not moving from the chair. "Alright, because I'm not without compassion, I'll give you another chance."

At this, Anon perked up and listened intently.

"Find whoever Applejack is head over hooves for, and I will give you your technology box."

"With internet?" Anon asked, hands together and doing his best to look even more pathetic.

"Yes, my friend, with internet." Discord snapped and he was gone.

Anon rose from his chair like a reborn phoenix. He looked at the door of the hospital once before his head snapped towards the glass barrier next to it. Feeling the rising fire in his heart, he clutched his fists.

"The. One."

Author's Note

I think I need to stop before this gets out of hand