“Oh, Wow,” you say, turning around in the mirror. “Rarity, this is awesome!”
A tape measure draped around her neck, Rarity inspects the new outfit she’s made for you and smiles. “Not merely ‘awesome’, darling, but magnificent!” she coos. “Some of my finest work.”
“I don’t know how to thank you,” you tell her. “And it was all completely out of the blue!”
“I pride myself on my generosity,” she states calmly, winking at you. “I am so glad you like it.”
Glancing over at the clock, you shake yourself out of your stupor. “It’s almost five! I have to get back to the castle, I have a special meeting about human culture with some dignitaries.” Smoothing out your new outfit, you turn and beam at Rarity. “Thank you again!”
“D-darling, wait!” she calls out, nabbing your hand in a hoof. “Before you leave, I...It would make me very happy if we could, c-cuddle together for a little while.”
Taken aback, you blink a few times. “Uh...sure Rarity, just not right now. I’ll take a rain check, alright? Sorry, but I really have to get back to the castle.” You march to the door, leaving the small pony behind you.
“Darling!” she calls out.
Sighing, you turn around.
Rarity is wearing a shocked and stupefied expression; one you had never seen on her face before. “Y-you can’t do that!”
“What?” you answer reflexively.
“It’s illegal!”
“It’s illegal for me to go home to Twilight’s castle?” you ask curiously, wondering exactly why she was so discombobulated.
“It’s illegal not to cuddle me!” she states, her eyebrows furrowing in anger and her lips puffing into a pout.
Biting your tongue, you let out a couple of chuckles. “Oh, you ponies are so adorable. Nice try Rarity, but I’ll see you later.”
“Don’t you walk out that door,” Rarity spits.
You exit her boutique and firmly close the door behind you.
“Hey!”
The call shakes you from your slumber in the guest bedroom of Twilight’s castle. Groaning, you wipe your eyes with a hand and sit up in bed. “Ugh...What is it, Starlight?”
“There’s something going on downstairs. Twilight wants you there.” The lilac-coated pony answers.
You glance over at your alarm clock. “It’s 8:05! What could possibly be going on right now?”
Starlight exhales in a burst of air and shakes her head. “I dunno, but you better take a look. Between you and me, I think you’re in trouble.”
“In trouble?” you ask, shaking your head to clear the last vestiges of your once peaceful sleep from your mind. “Alright, fine. Let me brush my teeth and use the bathroom, and I-”
Starlight’s magic yanks you up and out of your bed. “No time. I really think you’re in trouble.” She quickly drags you out into the hallway and starts trotting toward the stairwell before dropping you down.
Reluctantly, you follow her down the long second floor hallway and past the stairwell, where she leads you to a second stairwell on the side of the castle. “I didn’t know this was here,” you mutter.
Starlight is silent as she leads you down the stairs, pausing for you to catch up in front of a set of crystal doors. When you are close, she pushes them open to reveal a crystalline courtroom, with benches full of ponies.
“What on earth…?” you mutter to yourself.
An orange stallion, obviously a royal guard, standing in front of a large crystal dais at the front of the room clinks his hooves together. “All rise for Princess Twilight Sparkle.”
As the ponies in the room stand, Starlight leans over to whisper to you. “That open table at the front is for you,” she tells you with a wave of her hoof.
Carefully, you walk forward to the front of the room. A moment later, you take a seat at the table at the front right of the room and glance over to your left. “Wait...Rarity?”
Your porcelain pony friend is sitting at an identical table a half dozen feet away, glaring at you angrily.
“Alright, everyone have a seat,” the tired voice of Twilight Sparkle calls as she takes a seat on the dias and spreads some papers on the desk in front of her. “Alright, Rarity, what’s going on? Why are you dragging our human friend into court?”
“Wait, I’m in court!?” you sputter.
“I want him charged with refusing to cuddle me!” Rarity spits. She looks over to glare at you a moment later.
“What is...hold on,” you growl. “That is not illegal.”
Twilight finishes scribbling some notes on a piece of paper in front of her. “Well, actually, according to Chapter 14, subsection 31 of the Equestrian code…”
“Precisely!” Rarity cries, slamming her hoof down on the table. “Yesterday he came over to my boutique, we chatted, I gave him a gift, and yet he refused to cuddle me!”
“Calm down, Rarity,” Twilight coos. She turns to you. “Is this true?”
You remain seated, your mouth agape as you process everything unfolding. “I’m in court?” you repeat, the question still on your mind.
“Yes, this is the castle’s courtroom. Now, did you really refuse to cuddle Rarity?”
“What? No, I took a rain check!”
“So, yes.” Twilight scribbled something more on her sheet of paper. “Did she ask politely?”
You squint your eyes. “Is this a joke? It’s really illegal to not cuddle somepony?”
“Only if they ask politely,” Twilight points out. “Now, I hate to repeat myself, but-”
“IMPRISON THE OFFENDER!” A loud voice shouts from the back of the room.
Turning quickly, you make out a tall figure in a dark cloak standing up and pointing a covered hoof in an accusatory fashion toward you.
“HE MOCKS THE ANCIENT LAWS AND OUR PONY TRADITION!” the figure continues.
Back at the front of the room, Twilight Sparkle squints and peers into the distance. “...Princess Luna? Is that you?”
A wisp of starry blue mane billows out gently from under the concealment of the cloak. “...No.”
Rolling her eyes, Twilight lights up her horn.
In a single swift motion of magenta magic, the cloak is torn away from the figure, revealing none other than Princess Luna. Oddly enough, there was not a single startled gasp in the entire room.
“So, you have uncovered my deception,” Luna admits, her muzzle held high. “Very well. Nonetheless, it does not dampen my righteous sense of purpose! You there, alien!”
You sigh. “Yes?” you ask tiredly.
“Be aware that I will throw you in my Cuddle Dungeon for one thousand years for this heinous crime!”
“Luna, you can’t threaten him. He hasn’t even been charged with a crime yet,” Twilight scolds.
“Yet!?” you ask, looking for clarification.
“You despise our hallowed traditions and our age old laws with this refusal! Your destruction will be swift!”
“Luna, I’m going to have to throw you out of the court if you threaten him again,” Twilight warns. “Stop it.”
“I will crush your bones with my tender yet extremely firm hugs!” Luna wails. “You will beg to see Rarity when I am done with you!”
Another burst of magenta magic threw open the courtroom doors. Not a moment after, Luna found herself lifted off of the ground and thrown out of the room. The doors slammed behind her immediately.
“I WILL ASSURE HE IS PUNISHED!” she calls through the closed doors, her voice muffled despite its volume.
The crowd in the room murmurs at these developments before Twilight bangs a gavel down to silence them. “Alright, alright, settle down everypony.” The crowd’s murmuring dies down, and Twilight turns to Rarity. “Rarity, do we really need to go down this path? Can’t you just work it out?”
“Absolutely not,” Rarity whines. “I want him punished in a court of law!”
“Rarity!? Seriously!?” you ask, holding your arms up in dismay.
“Feel the long leg of the law, dear!” she quips back, sneering at you.
Twilight bangs her gavel again. “It is my finding in this hearing that the evidence against the defendant is sufficient to proceed to trial. However, given that he is the only member of his species in Equestria, it means he’s also technically a foreign ambassador with diplomatic immunity and cannot be charged with a crime.”
Your heart is practically beating out of your chest, but for the first time since you entered the strange courtroom, you begin to feel hope. “Great news!”
“Therefore we will proceed in a civil trial with relation to the matter of cuddle denial,” Twilight finishes.
“I would like to add ‘emotional damages’,” Rarity butts in.
“Granted.” The gavel bangs again.
You slump back in your chair, defeated.
“The trial will happen tomorrow morning. However, given that I’m best friends with the plaintiff, and that the defendant lives in my castle...and also because I don’t really want to deal with this,” Twilight says, muttering the last portion, “I will be recusing myself from the case. I’ll see if Mayor Mare can preside. Court adjourned!”
With a final bang of the gavel, the spectators in the courtroom stand up, stretch, and begin to talk amongst themselves. Without delay, you stand up and close the short distance between yourself and Rarity, seething with anger. You hold up your hands, fingers bent in rage as you vibrate in a fit of clonus in front of her.
“I don’t see what’s got you so peeved, darling,” Rarity answers aloofly as she files one of her hooves. “I told you it was illegal, and you didn’t listen.”
“Friends don’t sue friends, Rares!”
Rarity slams her hoof file down on the table. “And friends do not refuse to hold me either!” Blinking quickly, she clears her throat and stands up. “If you’ll excuse me dear, I have to get ready to kick your cute little human flank tomorrow.”
You begin vibrating in wrath again as she walks away. You’re about to call after her and say something a little too mean when you feel a hoof pulling at your shirt.
“Excuse me!” A sweet voice says.
You look down to find a little cream-coated pegasus mare with a mid-length wavy mane of light brown and wine looking up at you. She appears very buttoned-up, wearing a suit with what appears to be shoulder pads.
“Yes?”
She beams up at you. “My name is Amicus Brief! Ami, for short. I’m a lawyer, and I’d like to represent you tomorrow.”
“Thanks,” you begin to politely decline, “but I-”
“I’ll do it for free!”
You pause. “...Really?”
She lifts a hoof to smooth out her suit. “Why don’t you come with me to my office so we can discuss?”
“Mom!” Amicus Brief calls as she flings open the door to a house near the center of town. “I have a client over, so I need some privacy!”
“Okay dear!” comes the reply.
A sense of dread overtakes you as you follow Amicus down a cramped stairwell nearby and into a basement. Aside from a futon, crumpled movie posters, and scattered takeout containers, there is little to commend the place.
“Why don’t you take a seat?” Amicus suggests, pulling out a rickety stool next to a cramped desk and patting it invitingly.
Smiling through your pain, you take a seat as Amicus quickly brushes half a dozen empty Chineighse containers off of her desk and takes a seat on the other side.
“You, uh...work from home?” you ask.
“Now, I know how it looks,” she states matter-of-factly. “Nopony wants to put their livelihood in the hands of somepony that lives in their parents’ basement. But, I’ll have you know I am well-educated and professional! I graduated in the top seven eighths of my law school class, and it only took me four tries to pass the bar exam.” She points proudly to a framed certificate on the wall.
The Law Faculty of Chicacolt State University, upon much consideration, has reluctantly decided to elevate
AMICUS BRIEF
To the Degree of
MANNULUS JURIS DOCTOR
With some (but not all) of the rights, privileges, and immunities thereof pertaining
This day of 1̵͕̹̦̺͖̙͓͔̺̊̃̈́̑̓͂͝3̷̮̇̈́̅͂̌̃ ̷̣̲̜̣̂̽͒̒̓͜M̷̨̧̰͇͖̹̠̤͒̓̏̈̎̔̍̚̚͠ȁ̶̢͉̕y̵̧̘͇̗̿̆̅͌́ ̴̛̦͍͓̐̈̌̋̒͐̚ḯ̸̡̢̛̟͎̗̫̟̜̫̺̈̆̒̆̃̚͠n̴͎͍̜̞̩̫̥̿͑͛̆̄̿͝ ̷̨̢̟̲̰̹̎͊̇͗͋̒t̸̰̻̮͈͉̄̃͂̌̑͆̄̾͝h̸̨͓̠̖͍̞̞͓̫̩͊̑́̆e̴͖̫̼̳͝ ̷̧̙͍̠̭͚͂̌͋́̈̑͜ͅY̷̨̦͍͓͇̰̠̅e̷͙̫̙͊̄́̆̎͘ȧ̸̳̹̹̀͐ͅr̸̢͚̼͔͖̭̤̫͍͌ ̸̤̲̲̮̏͜o̸̮̅̈́̆̀̽̄̂͘͘̕f̷̡̟̎̑̇̆̊̿͛̎̊ ̵̲̠̒͝͠O̴̧̨̱̹͔̦̦̱̎̐̑͆͛̂ͅu̶̥̻̹̙͔̥̤̎̎͋͜͠ṙ̵̮̭̟͉̹̰̌̋ ̷̧̫̭̙͓͚̆̂͋͆̎Ļ̶̞̳̬̗̒̔͗̑̒̏͂͠o̷̮̽̓ŗ̵̦͓̗͕̮͎̩̆̓̉̈͛̂̏̋͆ḍ̷̨̞̪͖̤̗́͛̋̊̀͗̓̎̚͝ ̵̠̹̻͂̀̈̂͘͜͠2̴̯̬͉̘̜̎̀̀́͑͂̒͘͝0̸̨̟̜̝̝̹́̑̿̀1̴̢̠̘͈͖͈͚̆̔̆̊̀̃͜8̴̡̹̹͙̐̎̽̿̄̍͠
You try to make out the date, but it appears to be partially covered with a liquid cheese stain of some sort. Grimacing, you look back to Amicus. “Uh...Ami, right? Look, I’m not sure-”
“Before you say anything,” she interrupts, “would it help if I told you that in my entire legal career, I’ve never lost a case?”
You raise an eyebrow. “I suppose that is kind of impressive. How many cases is that?”
“Two,” she states proudly. “Including yours. My first client died of a heart attack while the jury was deliberating on his case. And good thing, too, because he was definitely about to be found guilty of murder.”
You sigh. “Ami, I appreciate the offer, b-”
“Honey!” a voice calls from upstairs. “I just baked cookies! Should I bring some down for you and your friend?”
“NOT NOW, MOM! WE’RE DOING LAW STUFF!” Amicus screams back. “Oh my gosh, she is the worst!” Quickly composing herself, she smiles at you expectantly.
You decide to take a craftier approach. “I’m honored you’d want to take my case, but uh...An accomplished attorney like yourself must have better things to do.”
“Not at all!” she cajoles. “Representing the only human in Equestria will be a huge career boost! It’s just what I need to get my career rolling.” She blinks and bites her lip. “And of course, justice must be served. I couldn’t let an innocent alien get sued.” She forces a smile at you.
You exhale. “I still think-”
Amicus furrows her brow. “Okay, let me level with you. There’s no way you’re going to find another lawyer in this town to represent you at a trial tomorrow, especially when you are so obviously guilty. All you have is me.” She leans back in her chair and kicks her back hooves up onto the desk. “What’ll it be?”
Closing your eyes, you take a deep breath. “Alright, fine. Let’s do it.”
“Shake on it?” she asks, lifting one of her back hooves off of the desk and waving it tantalizingly back and forth.
Raising an eyebrow, you extend a hand to grip it and shake it while her forehooves remain behind her head.
When you’ve finished, she hops up from her chair. “Alright, let’s get to work.” Tilting her head at you, she smiles. “But, before we start, do you want to cuddle a little bit?”
You frown. “...Seriously?”
She snorts and punches you playfully as far up on your arm as she can reach. “I’m just yanking your chain,” she giggles. “Heheh...Unless?”
The next morning, you arrive five minutes before the trial is set to begin. Amicus Brief hasn’t arrived yet, but you have to push your way through a crowd full of Ponyville’s citizens evidently eager to watch a trial they can gossip about.
As you approach the defendant’s table, Rarity calls out to you. “Well well well, if it isn’t the ruffian! Not wearing a Rarity For You suit, which is of course the only proper attire for such an occasion.”
“Like I would wear clothing designed by a she-wit-” you stop yourself and take a breath. “You’re not worth it.”
“Please do not speak to my client,” chimes in Spike from his seat next to Rarity. “That’s some extra legal risk I’d rather not have.”
You furrow your brow, confused. “Spike? You’re Rarity’s lawyer?”
“I am,” he states with a degree of pride. “No degree, but I got my training on the job clerking for Twilight for so many years. Even without that, any half-competent thinker can pass the Equestrian Bar Exam on the first try.”
Rarity sweetly rubs the top of Spike’s head. “My little Spikey-Wikey is a true gentlecolt-scholar, and he is about to wipe the floor with you!”
“Oh yeah?” you bite back. “Well…” you think for a moment, doing a quick calculation in your head. “My one-sixteenth competent lawyer will be here any minute, and we’ll see who’s big and bad then!”
Blushing from Rarity’s attention, Spike flashes his fangs at you in a confident grin. “I look forward to the challenge.”
Muttering to yourself, you sit down on your side of the aisle. Not a minute later, Amicus scurries in balancing a lidded paper coffee cup on a faux-leather briefcase. “Good morning!” she greets.
“Morning coffee, a good choice,” you acknowledge.
“Oh, this isn’t coffee,” she states plainly. “It’s hot water.”
“...You went to Sunbucks just to get hot water?”
“Well excuse me, not all of us live on the salaries of kings and can afford Sunbucks coffee,” she declares, frowning at you. “Besides, I’m ready as is. I brought all my notes in this vintage dark auburn case, with a maroon silk interior and three internal pen compartments.”
“Are you sure your special talent isn’t selling briefcases?” you quip.
“Hey,” she bites back, frowning as her muzzle scrunches up. “Just because my cutie mark is a briefcase and I got it while haggling over a portfolio does not mean my special talent isn’t lawyer-ing.”
Slowly going pale as the horrible realization settles in, you sit limply in your chair as the guard announces Mayor Mare’s entrance.
“Good Morning everypony, I hope you are having a good day,” the Mayor greets, ever the politician. She takes her seat. “The only case on today’s docket is Rarity v. Human, a civil suit over Cuddling Rights. Has the jury been selected?”
“Yes, your honor,” the guard states. “The plaintiff’s representative selected the jury, and the defense did not show to the selection to offer cross-examination or objections.”
Amicus leans over to you. “Was I supposed to do that?” she asks.
“Yes,” you spit back. “What kind of lawyer are you!?”
“I specialized in Foreign Animation Copyright Law because I like cartoons. But you wouldn’t believe the job market. Everypony likes cartoons, I guess,” she whispers back.
By this point, the jury foreman has finished reading his brief statement. “With that, we are ready to begin,” Mayor Mare states. “The plaintiff’s team may read its opening statement.”
Spike hops down from his slightly-too-tall chair and waltzes to the front of the room. “Ladies and Gentlecolts: my client, Rarity, is many things. A small business owner. A beloved sister. A generous mare. A national hero…” Slowly, he paces to the other side of the space in the front of the courtroom. “But today is not about Rarity, the generous national hero to whom all of you owe their lives. No, today is about a wicked foreigner, who infiltrated this country only to deny sweet Rarity the cuddling she so desperately needs and deserves.” He turns to face the jury. “We are asking for the maximum damages for cuddling denial and emotional distress available by law. I assure you, I will prove his guilt to you.”
“...OFF WITH THE INTERLOPER’S HEAD!” Princess Luna calls from the back of the room.
Mayor Mare bangs her gavel once to silence Luna and motions for Spike to continue.
“It’s a simple, open and shut case. Thank you all,” he concludes, mozying back over to take his seat.
“And now, the defendant’s team may read their opening statement,” Mayor Mare prompts.
“This’ll be a piece of cake,” Amicus celebrates, beaming at you. “Watch this!”
Stepping up to the front of the room, she smooths out her immaculate suit and clears her throat. “Good Morning, Ladies and Gentlecolts,” she greets, her voice taking on a strange, home-on-the-bayou quality. “Now, I may not be a big city lawyer dragon like my opponent-”
“Objection!” Spike calls, raising a claw. “A point of order: I was raised in Canterlot but have spent the last eight years here in Ponyville.”
“Sustained,” Mayor Mare agrees. “Jury, please note that Mr. Dragon is not exclusively a big city lawyer dragon.”
Amicus Brief blinks a few times, clearly trying to stifle her surprise and confusion at the interruption. “Irreungardlessly,” she recenters, “The fact remains, I grew up here in Ponyville. I am a small town pony of humble origins, like you all.” She places a hoof on the folds of her suit, as if stabilizing some form of invisible suspenders. “My pa is a lowly commodities trader, and my ma is a mere retired Pony Resources executive for a multinational corporation.”
You slowly lower your forehead to rest against the table in front of you.
“I suppose the point I’m trying to make here is that I represent the virtues of honesty, integrity, tradition, and a hard day’s work,” Amicus declares.
“Here ‘ere!” Applejack cheers from somewhere amongst the crowd, clapping her hooves together wildly in the otherwise completely silent room.
Mayor Mare bangs her gavel several times to silence her. “Is there anything else, Counselor?”
“No, I think that about does it,” she sighs, heading back to her seat. A moment later, she leaps up. “OH! Wait, also, my client is innocent and I’ll prove it.” She sits down again, nudging you with her foreleg. “I nailed it.”
Mayor Mare hums to herself. “Alright...Well, with that, it’s time for the Prosecution to begin its case.”
“Now, Miss Rarity,” Spike begins, shuffling across the front of the courtroom in his best oratorical waltz, “You are a successful entrepreneur, is that correct?”
Rarity sits in the witness stand, even more made up than usual; she has had her mane done up ornately, replaced her usual eyeshadow with a deeper, sparkly one and is sporting a diamond necklace. “Well, that’s a very grand view of me,” she sighs, fluttering her eyelashes. “In fact, I’ve always thought of myself as a small business owner and, above all, a designer with a love for her art.”
You mutter to yourself ominously, knowing her boutiques grossed at least 15 million last year.
“Could you give us an account of the events in question, Miss Rarity?”
“Certainly.” She glares in your direction as she begins to recount her tale. “He came over upon my request, and I gifted him a marvelous little clothing ensemble. Then, I asked him to spend some time cuddling with me, and he refused!”
Some quiet murmuring is heard in the court.
“I know! The nerve,” Rarity affirms, playing to the crowd.
“Miss Rarity, to confirm, you asked him to cuddle and he refused?” Spike clarifies, cocking an eyebrow.
“Yes, that’s correct. Walked right out the door! I wanted him to hold my hoof, too!”
“Objection!” Ami shouts. “There’s no need for that kind of smut in this courtroom!”
Mayor Mare exhales heavily and wipes her forehead with a handkerchief. “Overruled.”
Spike turns to address the jury. “I turn your attention to chapter 14 of the Equestrian Code, subsection 31, Refusal of Cuddling Invitation: ‘Anycreature who refuses to cuddle another, so long as the invitation is polite, commits a Class B Felony, punishable by a maximum of 8 months in prison, a fine of 10,000 bits, or both.’ Clearly this human would be a criminal under normal circumstances! However, given his diplomatic immunity, I ask you to find him responsible and demand full payment of damages. That is all.”
“The defense may now question the witness,” Mayor Mare announces.
Her tail swishing side to side with excitement, Ami stands up. “Watch this,” she whispers to you, nudging you confidently with her foreleg. “This trial will be over by lunch.”
Ami waltzes her way to the front of the courtroom, winking to the jury on her way. As she approaches the witness stand, she stands up on her hind legs and rests casually against the shining crystal. “Miss Rarity, could you please read this note?” she asks, placing a scrap of paper on the stand.
“Ugh, it has a chocolate stain on it,” Rarity whined.
“Just read the note!” Ami scolds, wiping her muzzle with her free hoof.
Scowling in disgust, Rarity does her best to read the writing clearly without touching the note. "Anycreature who refuses to cuddle another, so long as the invitation is polite, commits a Class B Felony, punishable by a maximum of 8 months in prison, a fine of 10,000 bits, or both."
“Now, Miss Rarity, could you tell the court exactly how you invited my client to cuddle with you?”
Rarity daintily folds her hooves on the table. “Well, I believe I said something along the lines of, ‘I was hoping that you would cuddle with me, darling’.”
Ami grunts. “Interesting. If I could follow that up, do you think that sounds very ‘polite’ to you?”
Rarity sticks out her lips in a pout. “I think it’s very polite, are you implying that it isn’t?”
Smiling, Ami whips around and begins addressing the courtroom of ponies, instead of the jury. “Hoofster’s dictionary defines ‘Polite’ as ‘a political organization, a specific form of political organization, a politically organized unit, or the form of a politically organized unit or a religious denomination’. Clearly, your greeting was not ‘polite’, Ms. Rarity, not by any definition of the word. My client is innocent of any wrongdoing!”
The courtroom stands silent for a moment.
Mayor Mare looks to the side. “Would the jury please note that the counselor for the defense just read out the dictionary definition of the word ‘polity’ and not ‘polite’?”
Ami stands in the second silence which follows for a few moments. “No further questions for the witness,” she declares, shrinking back to take a seat next to you and covering her forehead with a hoof.
“Are you kidding me?” you hiss at her. “How could you possibly mix those up!?”
“I don’t know! T-They’re on the same page in the dictionary,” she pleads in her defense.
Your hands turn into fists. “How could you not have noticed!? Don’t you know what ‘polite’ means!?”
“Words are hard, okay!?” she bites back.
“Please state your name and occupation for the court.”
“My name is Starlight Glimmer, and I’m a counselor at Princess Twilight’s School of Friendship.”
“What is your relationship with the accused human?” Spike inquires, doing his best to lean casually against the much higher witness stand.
Starlight turns her attention to you and smiles briefly. “He’s my friend! He stays here at the castle with us.”
“A friend who stays here at the castle with you,” Spike emphasizes, placing his claws behind his back as she paces across the room. “Very interesting. Have you ever, say, cuddled with the alien in question?”
Biting her lip, Starlight falters. Her eyes quickly snap back and forth across the room. “Uh...I don’t th-”
“I will remind you that you are under oath,” Spike presses, wheeling back to glower at Starlight.
“Okay, okay,” Starlight relents with a groan. “Yes, we’ve cuddled.”
“How often?”
“A lot, okay?” she answers, frowning at Spike. “Ya happy? Is that what you wanted?”
“Yes, actually,” Spike responds smugly.
“Can I go now?”
Spike chuckles and shakes his head. “Oh, no no no...Not yet. Just a few more questions. First, on a scale of one to ten, how attractive would you say you are?”
“Objection!” Amicus Brief interrupts, rising to her hooves.
You feel a soaring hope rise in your chest. Is your lawyer finally showing some competence and pluck?
“One to ten is not an accurate scale for rating attractiveness,” Amicus Brief declares. “And besides, self-ratings are against the rules anyway.”
The pleasant feeling goes away.
“Objection overruled.” Mayor Mare responds. “Although, Mr. Dragon, I would like to know where you are going with this line of questioning.”
“It’s pertinent to my case, I assure you,” Spike says suavely. “Now, answer the question.”
Starlight crumples up her muzzle and frowns at Spike. “Well, I mean, I guess like an eig-”
“Again, Miss Glimmer, you are under oath,” Spike spits back.
“Alright, I’m like a seven.”
“And what would you say Miss Rarity is, on that same scale?”
Starlight crinkles up her muzzle once more. “...Like an eig-”
“Miss Glimmer!” Spike responds. “Perjury is a very serious charge, as I’m sure you know!”
“Alright! She’s like a nine, okay? Are you happy?” she sneers at him.
“Fillies and Gentlecolts of the jury,” Spike begins grandstanding. “Beyond the simple facts of the case, we need to ask ourselves another question: why in Equestria would this human cuddle with a mere seven, and yet refuse the platonic reflections of a nine- or, what I would probably rate as a nine-point-seven-five?”
“Ooooh, thank you Spikey-poo,” Rarity gushes.
Spike ignores her and continues on. “Is it simple accessibility? He does live in the same place. Does he have a thing for purplish-pink? Perhaps. More sinister, should we consider the possibility that he just doesn’t like white ponies? I-”
“Objection!” Ami declares righteously.
“Sustained,” Mayor Mare agrees, slamming her gavel down on the bench. “Mr. Dragon, please desist from this line of questioning, it’s attacking the accused’s character.”
“Ohmigosh, that was my first ever sustained objection!” Ami squees with glee, placing both her forehooves on your shoulder.
You do your best to gently push her away.
“No matter,” Spike concludes. “Just something for us to consider.”
“Defense? Would you like to question the witness?” the Mayor asks.
“Nah,” Ami declines with a wave of her hoof, still smiling from her victory.
“Ami, what are you doing?” you hiss. “You’re supposed to cross-examine all their witnesses!”
“Relax,” she cuts back dryly. “The only line of questioning I had was getting into your guys’ cuddle history to make Rarity mad, hoping she’ll do something violent. Saw it in a movie once. Actually, on second thought, let’s do that.”
Your hand shoots over to push Ami’s hoof down. “No! Absolutely not! I can’t believe it- you’re literally the worst lawyer in Equestria, aren’t you?”
Ami gasps, holding her hooves to her chest as if she had been viciously attacked. “...Meanie. I can’t believe I let you be the little spoon!”
The court breaks for lunch about a half hour later.
Ami turns to you. “What are you thinking? Neightalian? Chineighse? Should probably stay away from Mexicanter food, I hear that judges frown on extra bathroom breaks.”
“Excuse me,” Spike’s voice echoes over the table. Only his spines are visible on the other side. “My client and I have an offer for you.”
“An offer?” you ask.
“A negotiated settlement,” he clarifies. “Come with me, I have a private room.”
Shrugging, you and Ami follow Spike out of the courtroom and into a small conference room nearby filled with a massive crystalline table and chairs. Taking a seat across from him and Rarity, he slides a paper over to you.
Picking it up and opening it, you read it through. “Nope,” you say, slamming it down on the table. “Absolutely not.”
“Well, hold on!” Ami protests. “I didn’t get to read it!”
“She wants me to go and cuddle with her today!” you explain to her.
“And you have to hold my hoof as we leave the castle so everypony can see we’re going to go cuddle!” Rarity adds, smirking in triumph.
“No way. No. Never.”
“Why don’t you want to cuddle her?” Ami asks. “She’s cute enough. And she looks soft…”
“It’s not about the cuddling, Ami, it’s about the principle of the thing!”
“Ooooohh…” she responds.
“You don’t know what a principle is, do you?”
“It’s like, the most expensive part of my student loans, right?”
“By the way, I am more than just ‘cute enough’,” Rarity protests. “And I am extremely soft!”
Ami leans over to whisper in your ear. “I suggest we take the settlement.”
“No!” You tear the piece of paper in half. “Rarity, I will never cuddle with you- not until I get an apology from you, which I know will never happen because of how stuck up you are!”
As Rarity seethes beside him, Spike raises an eyebrow. “You know you’re going to lose this case, right?”
You look over at Ami, who is trying to remove the ruffles of her blouse that have somehow been caught in her briefcase. “I’m quite aware,” you state firmly. “I’d rather be found a guilty free man, than a free man...uh...guilty of...being unfree. With that tyrant!” You point to Rarity to drive the sermon home.
“Fine!” Rarity spits. “See what I care, you Ruffian!”
“Ami, let’s go!” you order.
“Hold on,” she tells you, tongue sticking out from the side of her mouth in concentration. “Almost got it…”
“Defense, you may begin presenting your case.”
Ami sits quietly.
“Ami?” you inquire. “You hear her?”
Ami continues to sit motionless as beads of cold sweat start to appear on her face.
“You don’t have a case!?” you hiss at her.
“I thought we would have won by now! Cases are always won in cross-examination!”
The gears in your head begin to turn frantically. “Maybe we can call Spike to the stand and get him to admit Rarity offered him a kiss to represent her, or something? Maybe Twilight can be a character witness for me? I-”
Ami stands up abruptly, sending her chair crashing to the floor. “I would like to call my client, the human, to the stand!”
The court immediately launched itself into a furor of conversation, which was silenced only after several gavel busts from Mayor Mare.
“You’re never supposed to testify in your own defense!” you plead with your lawyer. “Ami, this is highly irregular!”
“I’m highly irregular!” she tells you, pushing you toward the witness stand. “Don’t worry, I know what I have to do.”
Several minutes later, you are sworn-in and seated on the stand. Ami approaches. “Please tell the court what happened at Rarity’s that day.”
“Well, I went over to pick up a new outfit she made for me. Which was generous, but doesn’t mean that I have to cuddle her whenever sh-”
“Please, answer the question I asked of you,” Ami insists.
You close your eyes and exhale, trying to center yourself. “I realized that I had a meeting at the castle with Princess Twilight and some others, and so I had to leave. I didn’t have time to cuddle with Rarity.” Your eyes widen. Of course!
“Our friend here had an important meeting with the Princess of Friendship!” Ami declares to the court. “Surely there is a royal exemption from this law?”
“Objection!” Spike sounds off. “The entirety of Chapter 14 is exempted from any royal authority except under conditions of national emergency.”
“Ah, but this is Equestria!” Ami challenges. “Aren’t we always under some threat of emergency?”
“This was the only weekend in the past four years where no emergency was recorded in the entire country. Nice weather, too,” Spike states.
Ami blinks, then clears her throat and straightens her jacket. “Be that as it may, surely we Equestrian ponies, world renowned for our kindness and ability to make friends, could show mercy to a humble alien, cast far from his home? Surely, given these extenuating circumstances, we can extend to this creature the same forgiveness we would show to our own families?”
You wipe a tear from your eye. “Thank you, Ami.”
“I am confident we shall. I have faith in the good ponies of the jury,” she concludes.
“On a unanimous vote of 12-0, this jury rules in favor of the plaintiff, Miss Rarity.”
“Well, heck,” Ami sighs. “Only took them five minutes, too.”
You groan.
“Hey, kid, chin up,” she tells you, patting the top of your head. “0-1-1 still isn’t that bad of a record for me!”
“And now, in accordance with the usual procedure, I will assign a just penalty in accordance with the law,” Mayor Mare says.
“IF YOU WISH TO SLEEP WITHOUT CRIPPLING NIGHTMARES, YOU WILL ASSIGN THE FULLEST PENALTY AVAILABLE, MAGISTRATE!” Luna shouts from the back of the room.
“Objection!” Ami calls. “This is a violation of the independence of the judiciary!”
“Overruled,” Mayor Mare responds, shaking in fear. “The defendant will pay Ms. Rarity 150,000 bits, the maximum civil penalty available in law. Court adjourned.”
The next day, Starlight Glimmer knocks on your door before sticking her head in. “Heeeey...sport. How’s it going?”
“Horrible,” you say, cowering in your comforter and not even wanting to make eye contact.
“Oh, come on, things aren’t...that bad,” Starlight says, struggling to cheer you up.
“I owe Rarity 150,000 bits,” you deadpan.
“That’s only like...7 years worth of minimum wage work,” she responds.
“I don’t have a job,” you answer.
Starlight sighs, and you hear the gentle clip-clop of her hooves as she approaches your bed and takes a seat on the side of it. “I hate to make your bad day worse, but Rarity stopped by this morning. She wants to see you.”
“So she can gloat?”
“Maybe. But it sounded more important than that.”
Groaning, you emerge from under your covers. “Fine, whatever. I’ve already hit rock bottom.”
“That’s the spirit,” Starlight encourages with a pump of her hoof.
Less than an hour later, you arrive at Rarity’s front door. Feeling numb to the world, you knock on the door without any mental preparation. Grasped by a magical aura, it swings open only seconds later.
“Come in, darling,” you hear Rarity say. You trudge into her boutique like a condemned man. She’s seated on a comfy chair near her coffee table, and motions to the couch. “Please, take a seat.”
Your eyes take an interest in Rarity’s flooring as you shuffle over and plop yourself down on her fainting couch. Painfully, you pull your head up to look in her general direction.
“Darling, it has come to my attention that a terrible and nasty old mare has taken advantage of you in court. I care for you very deeply, and, well, I’d like to help you be rid of her.” Rarity pulls a checkbook out of a nearby purse and quickly scribbles something on it. Ripping a check away, she floats it over to you in her magic.
You stare disbelieving at the 150,000 bit check Rarity has written to you. You look back at her somewhat emotionless face, and then back at the check. “...Could I use your quill?”
“Certainly.” She floats the quill over to you as well.
Endorsing the check, you stand up and hand the check to Rarity. She quickly folds it in half and puts it back in her purse.
You can feel the features on your face soften a bit as you gaze into Rarity’s eyes. Then, she smiles softly.
“Well,” she breathes, “With that little bit of unpleasantness done with...W-would you like to cuddle with me?”
A frown begins to tug at the sides of your lips. “What happens if I say no?”
Rarity swallows hard and winces. “Well, darling...Th-that’s your right. And I won’t do a thing more about it than respect your wishes.”
You open your arms wide. “Come here and give me a hug, Rarity.”
Standing up on her chair, she squats for a moment before leaping into your arms. The impact sends you gently rolling against the couch, with Rarity’s soft, pearly form coming to rest on your chest.
“Oh, darling, I can’t tell you how happy I am!” she purrs, rubbing her muzzle into the base of your neck and tickling your skin with her warm breath. “And, I want to say that I’m sorry f-”
You place a finger against Rarity’s lips. “None of that now,” you shush, raising the same hand to gently caress the silken curls of her plum mane. Gently, you wrap your other hand around one of her free hooves, causing her to giggle and blush as you pull her into a soft spooning position on the couch.
“And I get my hoof held too? My, my, perhaps I should sue every handsome stallion that walks into my boutique!”
You grunt.
You can feel Rarity’s warm form squirm against yours as she tries to correct herself. “Ehe heh, just kidding, darling! Just kidding.”
Author's Note
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