The most evil pony in the world grinned at his own reflection in the mirror. He was so handsome and was so attracted to himself. There was no one more attractive than him in fact. Every mare in Equestria knew that he was the sexiest of all stallions.
He stared into his own eyes - damn, he was so dreamy. He was turned on just by looking at himself. He knew that he was Equestria's most eligible bachelor. He could get any mare that he desired. The couple of restraining orders against him were just mares playing too hard to get. He already had the affection of every pony in the world - they either wanted to be with him or they wished they were him.
He decided that it was his right to take over Equestria for himself. There was no pony in the world better suited to rule.
He would think of a plan since he was also the most brilliant pony in the whole wide world. He looked at the mirror and admired his wings. He was the best flier in all of Equestria. The Wonderbolts pretended that they were better than him - but they knew he was the best of the best.
He had decided that things needed to be this way. He would seek out the help of the one who had come the closest to conquering Equestria himself. It was time for him to make a trip to Taratrus.
His fantastic thoughts were interrupted by a petulant, "What the hell are you doing? You are supposed to be on duty."
The one pony who didn't respect him - Shining Armor, or as he liked to call him - Shining Asshat.
"I am on duty", said the most evil pony, "I am protecting the one who needs the most protection."
"Jeez", groaned Shining Armor, "I wish that Twily didn't have such a crush on you. My poor sis, she is so misguided."
"I don't need you to put me down", said the most evil pony, "I do admire your sister's affection towards me. She is in my Top 10 for ponies I have shagged."
"I should beat the crap out of you just for saying that about my sister."
"She loves me more than any pony."
"If Twily knew the truth about you...she would make a request to Celestia for you to be fired from the Royal Guard."
"I am the best pony the Royal Guard has ever seen!"
"I didn't realize it was opposite day."
"You're just jealous that Cadence probably loves me more than she loves you."
"You're delusional. Whatever - you're a terrible guard. Just do whatever you want."
"Oh, I will", said the most evil pony with a grin, "yes, I will - Shining Asshat."
Shining Armor left the most evil pony to his own devices.
The most evil pony thought to himself, "time to take Equestria as my own!!"
The Main Six [Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy] were hanging out at the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle. They were blissfully unaware of the plans of the most evil pony. In fact - Twilight was in love.
"I feel butterflies in my stomach", said Twilight, "I never knew that love would feel so strong. I love him so much but I am not sure he loves me the same way I love him."
"That would be a relief", said Applejack, "ah don't trust that charlatan one bit."
"How could you say that, Applejack? I thought you were supposed to be the element of honesty."
"Something is really off about him. Twi, I know that this fella is your first love and all - but I certainly hope he isn't your last."
"He is always so chivalrous to me. He just marches to the beat of his own drum."
"A drum that is most unfashionable", said Rarity, "can't you see that he doesn't care about you - I am sorry, darling. Applejack is right. He certainly isn't generous with his time - is he?"
"That prick thinks he can fly better than me", snarled Rainbow Dash, "I even raced that jackass and I beat him - he just says that he wins in spirit."
"Tee hee", said Twilight with a giggle, "he does have a sense of humor."
"One laced with narcissism", said Rarity.
"I must admit", said Fluttershy, "that time - he visited my cottage, he was so rude and honestly - I wish he would just leave you alone. Don't you see that he's abusive?"
"He has never laid a hoof on me, Fluttershy", argued Twilight.
"Abuse isn't only physical."
"We're all worried about you Twi", said Applejack, "don't you see that your coltfriend is just using you? He sees that you are a princess and.."
Twilight became furious. Applejack didn't think any pony could love her for her.
"I get it", said Twilight with an uncontrollable anger, "you all think that a stallion couldn't truly love me. There must be some catch. Is that right, Applejack? You might not be able to see it - but maybe he just loves me like I love him. Nothing is going to change that. I am sorry to disappoint! You all must leave my castle now."
Applejack looked down at the ground but with no desire to apologize. Some day, Twilight would know the truth about him.
Every pony else seemed to know except Twi. Twilight stormed upstairs and snarled, "the five of you better be out of here! I am tired of all of you belittling me!!"
Pinkie Pie was unusually quiet. She was concentrating on her Pinkie Sense. It was extra strong today. She needed to say something though - she didn't want to upset Twilight Sparkle. But her Pinkie Sense was telling her that Twilight's crush was indeed the most evil pony.
The most evil pony made his way to Tartarus. He approached Cerberus - the guard of Tartarus. The most evil pony decided that he could possibly flirt with Cerberus a little bit. Surely, Cerberus was charmed by the most evil pony.
The most evil pony began to do the sexiest dance he could think of in his head. It was so sexy that Cerberus showed his affection by running to a corner to puke. That's what a lot of the ponies he tried to attract did. He knew that meant he was irresistible.
With that done, the most evil pony walked into the darkest prison in all of Equestria. The most scary of creatures resided in Tartarus. None were as evil as him though - not even the one he sought out.
The most evil pony finally found the one he wanted to see - a lanky centaur named Tirek. Tirek was the closest of any pony to taking Equestria for himself. The most evil pony wanted to seek Tirek's advice.
"Oh, most honorable Tirek", said the most evil pony, "I have come all the way to Tartarus to seek your wisdom."
"I don't think any of my wisdom will help you", responded Tirek.
"Why is that?"
"You are a loser. You are the worst creature to exist in Equestria. Your existence disappoints me even more than the almost complete extinction of my own species. You think that I will help you. Why should I help you with anything? You certainly will fail at anything you try."
"You see, Tirek", said the most evil pony, "the fact that you detest me so much is proof to how good I am. What did I ever do to you? You are the evil one after all. Don't you despise Twilight Sparkle?"
"Well, just by even existing. I think I would rather just destroy you than destroy the world."
"Tirek - the hero. Tirek - the honorable. By destroying a pony as magnificent and sexy as me, you would be doing the world a disservice. You might as well destroy the world too if I shan't exist in it!"
"Oh Celestia… what can I do to get you to leave me alone?"
"Your wisdom, please. If it wasn't for Twilight Sparkle, you would have taken over Equestria. And honestly, Twilight loves me so much."
"I really don't see why she loves you - poor young mare, she is so naïve."
"Yeah she kind of is. It gets kind of grating to be honest. But she would make an excellent queen for when I take over."
"Ehh, look..I am sorry. I don't think you have it in you to take over anything. You certainly have the drive but I think you are missing just about everything else. I say, just give up. Stay in the royal guard and you'll probably snag Twilight and become a prince of friendship or some crap like that."
"Prince of Friendship, blah. If your plan is to irritate me, then it is certainly working."
"Good. I am glad you're feeling my pain. But I do know of a pony who might want to help you."
"Really?"
"Yes, she is perfect for the job. Real sneaky and under the radar but if you can get her to help you - Equestria is yours."
"Who is this pony?"
Apple Bloom, the little filly with a red bow, stared at her reflection in the mirror in her treehouse. She knew her destiny was clear. She would get rid of all ponies who were undesirable - those who wouldn't be missed by others. So much useless filth out there. Apple Bloom would probably start with some waste of space like Snips or Snails.
Her thoughts were rudely interrupted by a knock on the door.
"Who is it?"
"A magnificent pony who is seeking your guidance."
Apple Bloom rolled her eyes - magnificent, mah ass.
"Ah will open the door for you. If wisdom is what you seek."
Apple Bloom gagged when she saw the light orange pegasus with a blue mane. He had such a smug look on his face - so full of himself. No pony liked him though except the lovesick Twilight Sparkle. She thanked her friend from Tartarus. He did a good job.
"So, I was just thinking today - I am such a blessed pony with great gifts in every single aspect of my life. I think that it is time for me to go and kill Celestia and take the throne as my own. I am just so much better than every pony, right?"
"Errr… yeah, that certainly is you."
"Maybe someday you will be a tenth as amazing as I am."
Oh, thought Apple Bloom, this is an undesirable for sure.
"I was told that you are smart and cunning enough to help me take down Celestia."
"It's not so hard", said Apple Bloom, "ah am the potion master. Ah can make anything that will help make the world a better place."
"So will you help me defeat Celestia?"
"Sure, it is real easy. We will just go there and poison all of her stuff. She would die just like that."
"I thought alicorns were stronger than that. Why didn't I think of that?"
I can think of a million reasons why, thought Apple Bloom.
"So, follow my lead", said Apple Bloom, "and Equestria will be ours!!"
"Hold on", said the most evil pony, "ours?"
"Yeah, did you think I was just going to take Equestria for myself?"
"Hold on - Equestria is destined to be mine. You're just a filly who got her cutie mark like .. yesterday. So, you need to let me be the conqueror."
"Ah do my deals quid pro quo."
"What if I say no?"
"You can't conquer Equestria on your own. Ah can."
"Oh yeah, then why haven't you done so yet?"
"Not sure I want all that power and responsibility, just because ah can do something doesn't me that ah should."
"Sounds like an excuse! Tirek told me all about you. You are the one pony who Tirek respects. But wait, that is horseshit - because I am the one pony everyone respects. Tirek was lying. You are useless."
"You sure you wanna test me, pardner?"
"Ugh, you are such a hick - just like your sister."
"No pony is mean to Applejack and gets away with it."
"Huh?"
With that, Apple Bloom leapt into the air with a small syringe which she was hiding in her bow.
"Say your prayers, you fucking asshole", Apple Bloom whispered as she pushed the syringe right into his mane.
"H-h-h-h-holy fuck.. y-y-y-y-you, w-w-w-w-w-why? You know that Princess Twilight Sparkle will have you executed!"
"Thank goodness the vote requires three of the four princesses to kill someone. Ah have good reason to think the others will celebrate me. Ah recorded our conversation."
"I" *cough cough* "I" *cough* *sputter* "am still the most amazing pony in the whole wide Equestria..fuck you..Apple Bloom."
The poison had fully taken over the most evil pony's body and he died.
"Thank you Tirek", whispered Apple Bloom with a smile. She would continue her quest to remove Equestria of its undesirables.
Twilight Sparkle would be okay. She could move on to somepony much more desirable.
Author's Note
Consider this before Season 9 or whatever.. defeating most evil pony, easy peasy.
