Deep in the darker parts of Equestria, somewhere in the edges of the Everfree Forest near Ponyville, sat a gigantic evil lair in the shape of a skeleton head of a goat. The openings in the lair were almost always filled with a bright red light. The lair had been abandoned for thousands of years, and had only recently gained four new residents: The evil super villains of Equestria, Cozy Glow, Tirek, Chrysalis, and the self-proclaimed "First Emperor of Equestria", Grogar the goat. He had returned and brought the three baddies to his lair (well, four at first, but that’s a long story) as part of his plan to destroy Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends, the protectors of Equestria. Grogar was trying to get the three villains fired up to exact revenge on the ponies and work together, but unfortunately, the second part of that plan wasn’t going very well so far.
"GROGAR! Tirek put a whoopsie cushion underneath my pillow again!" Cozy Glow cried as she flittered towards the magical goat, who was seated at his perch in the giant room in the middle of his lair. "He keeps doing all these things to annoy me and you never DO anything!" Grogar grunted. "Because all you three ever do is ANNOY me! What I want is some peace and quiet so I can focus on coming up with a plan to finally destroy Twilight Sparkle and her friends!" He said dramatically. An unimpressed Cozy Glow turned her head trotted off with an annoyed huff.
Suddenly, Queen Chrysalis flew in through the lair's entrance, cradling her left front hoof. "Ugh, my aching hoof! You didn’t tell me there were bees in that forest! The last thing I need is a swollen hoof when I exact my revenge on that wretch Starlight Glimmer!" She whined. "I told you not to go NEAR that forest at all! Perhaps if you listened to me more we could have conquered Equestria by now!" Grogar scolded her.
"Maybe if you would DO something other than stare into that globe on the table all day, we could destroy those RIDICULOUS ponies already!" Tirek growled as he marched down the ramp on the left side of the room, munching on a turkey sandwich. "Uh, hello? Adorable little pony standing right here!" Cozy Glow snapped back as she stood next to him. "Who are you calling adorable?" Queen Chrysalis said, and she transformed into Cozy and started stumbling around like an idiot. "Duhhh, I’m Cozy Glue. I tried to absorb magic from all of Equestria and I can’t even get an A+ on my tests!" Cozy flew up in her face. ”Hey, Don’t talk about me like that while looking like me... like that! It’s so annoying!"
"YOUR'E SO ANNOYING!" The two yelled.
The three villains began arguing over each other. Grogar gritted his teeth and wondered if he should blast holes in them or himself. "ENOUGH!" He yelled, blasting magical gags onto their mouths to silence them. Neither of you listen to ANYTHING I every say! Maybe you’ll learn a thing or two after you’re done cleaning my library!" He pointed to a nearby entrance leading to his library. "NOW!" He stomped his hoof on the ground for effect and used his magic to throw the three of them into the room.
Grogar rubbed his forehead in annoyance as he walked back behind his globe. "I have got to do something about them! They’ve already failed once trying to retrieve my Bewitching bell, and I’ve already lost King Sombra to those six pathetic ponies!" He began stroking his goatee in thought before he got a brilliant idea. "A-ha! That’s it!" He said with a malicious grin. " I’ll take them someplace! Someplace full of MAGIC! Magic we can STEAL!" He slammed his hooves down on the table and his globe turned on once again.
"Let’s see..." The magical mirror flickered from place to place. "Maybe Zebrabwe? The home of the zebras? No, that idiotic Queen would probably be driven crazy by all that rhyming!" An image of a junk-filled city flashed before his eyes. "Hmm, Klugetown? No way. They’d probably get sold to the freak show by some creepo!" Next he saw a picture of Seaquestria. "Eh, those fools would probably drown- or forget to breathe when they got back on land. Is there ANYWHERE I can bring them that they won’t MESS UP?" Suddenly, a bright mix of colours appeared in the globe, making it light up brilliantly. A vision of an enormous amusement park flashed before the goat's eyes.
"Welcome, weary traveler, to Magicland!" A vaudevillian voice advertised the spectacular sights and sounds. "All kinds of fun activities and rides, all powered by unicorn magic from across the land! Located just a few miles south of the borders to Equestria. You’re only regret will be that you didn’t come sooner." A large piece of cardboard with a crudely drawn picture of a unicorn with MAGICLAND written under it appeared. "And best of all, admission is free- though any of your bits will be gladly accepted!" And with that, the vision faded away, leaving a black screen reflecting Grogar's amused expression.
"Ha! I KNEW there was a good reason I didn’t buy an ad blocker!” He exclaimed. ”And also, that place looks perfect!" Grogar whistled to get the distant villains attention, but they didn’t come. Upon raising an ear, he could hear their faint arguing.
"I’m just saying, Wuthering Hooves is too mature for the Foals 4-8 section!" He could hear Cozy Glow argue. "Aw, you’re full of manure! If that’s so, is going into the Stallions section!" Tirek responded. “GOD, this place is like a labyrinth! And why is that ram so obsessed with books about that idiot Discord?" Chrysalis shouted.
Grogar raised his horns and dragged the squirming villains back to his awaiting glare before they could look any further. "Pack your bags, you insufferable morons! If you’re so hellbent on absorbing the magic of Equestria, exacting your revenge, and bringing your enemies to their knees," He announced, pointing at each of them as he spoke. "Then THIS is how we are going to do it!" He grinned and pointed at the globe. "Uh... buy go out and buy issues of Vanity Mare?" Tirek asked.
Grogar looked down and was embarrassed to see he had selected the wrong ad. Chrysalis couldn’t help but snort. Grogar poked the globe and it switched to the advertisement for the amusement park. "Get ready for a road trip! Those ponies won’t know what hit them!"
Author's Note
Hope you guys enjoy! (Real or not, Grogar is one of my favourite characters!!!)
"Well, maybe if you hadn’t disintegrated the map, we could have been there a long time ago!" Cozy Glow whined as she flew through the low-hanging vines of the forest. "Ugh, get off my back!" Chrysalis barked back. Literally. She had turned into a diamond dog in her rage at getting lost and was currently struggling to escape a deep puddle of mud. "That map had it coming! I didn’t like the way it looked at me with its evil eye." Tirek yawned as he leaned against a tree, nearly breaking it off its stump. "That was the compass they put in the corner, Chrysalis. Honestly, how can you not know your way around a forest after you spent so long cowering from Starlight Glimmer in one?"
Grogar, meanwhile, was trying to get the three cranky baddies to shut up so he could try and deduce where they were. Because he didn’t know where Magic Land was, he was unable to tell where the heck he was supposed to teleport them. "This is ridiculous! Maybe we should have taken a left at the Ursa Major cave. Why didn’t those ponies in the ad just give directions?" His thoughts were interrupted by a loud growl coming from Cozy Glow's stomach as the tiny pegasus rubbed her tummy. "Grogar, I’m hungry. Can we stop for some lunch?"
Grogar rolled his eyes as he faced the pony. "'Can we stop for LUNCH'? This isn’t a road trip. We are on a quest! Don’t you want to get revenge on that awful princess? Once we have absorbed all the magic from that silly little amusement park, those ridiculous ponies won’t know what hit them!"
Tirek waved his hands in the air to get rid of some annoying fly-ders. "I won’t know what will hit me if we don’t get out of this forest! I’m growing delirious by the minute, and these bugs won’t leave me alone!" He swatted at a fly-der that proceeded to sting him. "Gah! I'M WARNING YOU!" Suddenly, he got an idea. He grabbed Cozy Glow from the air and pulled her closer to him. ”Cozy, why don’t you make yourself useful and fly ahead to find the park? Then we’ll sneak off, steal their magic, and ditch this old goat!"
"No, Tirek. I’m not listening to another one of your ridiculous ideas! All they do is get us in trouble!" Suddenly, Cozy cringed and shielded her eyes with a hoof as a bright light blinded her. "Jeez, calm down. You don’t have to fire up your magic on me."
"Huh?" Tirek turned around and grunted as he saw a bright yellow flashing object in the distance. "Who in the name of Star Swirl has the right to put up a gigantic flashy castle like that in the middle of the forest? I’m walking here!" He yelled. "Ooh, a castle! Did we get a new princess? Let’s raid it!" Suddenly, Chrysalis pushed past the two. "That isn’t a castle, you dolts! It’s a sign!" The two stared blankly at her. "What, like a metaphorical sign, or..." Tirek wondered. "NO!" She pointed at the letters on the sign, which clearly red MAGIC LAND in big blue letters. "It’s a sign for the park, you cen-tard! We found it!"
"What do you mean 'we'?" Grogar growled as he pushed them wide with his magic. "Why, I knew it was there the whole time- I don’t recall it being that flashy in the ad though. " Cozy shrugged. "Meh. The ad's usually change a lot of the stuff. Now come on!"
The four villains pushed their way though the forest and carefully approached the big yellow archway at the front of park. Luckily, there weren’t any ponies there who might recognize them, except for one colt who approached Grogar while the others were distracted and mistook him for a big blue bunny rabbit. After blasting a hole in the ground in front of him and scaring him off, Grogar joined the others at the entrance.
Chrysalis sniffed the air and patted her belly. "Mmmm! I can smell all the delicious essence of this place from here!" Tirek flexed his muscles. "I feel sorry the sap running this joint! He’s about to get all the magic zapped out of him! I hope he’s a unicorn! They’re the tastiest! Although some flight magic might be nice too." Cozy Glow perched in between his horns and squinted inside the park. "Yeesh, what’s the point? I’ve never seen you FLY! But you’re right! Who IS in charge here?"
Suddenly, a piano began playing in the background. The group looked around in confusion as two twin unicorns with shiny red hair and striped shirts leaned out from the entrance. "Salutations, weary travellers! And welcome to Flim and Flam's... MAGIC LAND!" They said the last part together, and the one with the moustache added, "We decided the name sounded better with the space in between."
And with that, the two vaudeville ponies jumped into an upbeat song about whatever the hell they were trying to sell this time, but the four evil creatures were distracted by the sounds of the rides moving from inside the park. "Well, this place sounds MARVELLOUS! I’m going straight for the Ferris wheel!" Queen Chrysalis flew towards the entrance, but Cozy pushed her back. "Not so fast. Professor Applejack told us about these guys. They’re total con artists. They’ve done everything on this scumbag checklist." She pulled a long list out from her hair, which Grogar immediately disintegrated with his magic before speaking. "I don’t care what they’ve done. They should still know not to mess with the first emperor of Equestria!"
"SILENCE, you charlatans!" Grogar yelled, slamming his hoof on the ground to stop the unicorn's singing. "As the REAL ruler of this nation I DEMAND you let me and my... ugh... acquaintances into your park." His eyes glowed in an effort to scare the two, but they weren’t very intimidated. "Nyah, sorry, goat, but we charge the price of admission for every guest, no exceptions!" Flim said.
"Oh, for Pete's sake! It said in the ad that admission is free!" Grogar pointed out. "Pfft, come on. Everyone knows the ads change a lot of the stuff." Flam said with a chuckle and extended a hoof. Grogar snorted angrily and turned to the others. "Alright, Do any of you have any bits?" He asked. "Uh, we don’t even have pockets." Tirek said. Grogar facepalmed. "Oh, fuck this. We're villains! We don’t have to be held back by a TICKET BOOTH!" He attempted to blast Flim and Flam to bits but they deflected it. The old ram sighed and spawned a bag of treasures in his right hoof. "Do you take ruby's or are diamonds enough?"
While Grogar struggled to figure out the payment option, his minions moved inside the park and gazed in awe at the wonderful sights and sounds: merry-go-rounds, game booths, food stands, and tents with other surprises in them. "Still think those two are 'scumbags'?" Tirek asked sarcastically. "Not anymore! This place looks soooo cool! And I’m starving, so if you’ll excuse me..." She flew towards a hot dog stand but was, once again, pulled back by Chrysalis. "Hold on, you little brat! We aren’t here to EAT! We’re here to drain it of all its magic, remember?" She looked to Tirek for support, but the red centaur just shrugged. "I don’t know. I DO kind of want to try that strength hammer game, though..."
With that, they ran off like little kids, wanting to try everything in the park before they destroyed it. Chrysalis groaned and looked back at Flim and Flam, who were chuckling and sharing a hoof bump as they watched Grogar trying to use a Castar card. She glared evilly at the park she was beholding, with the sun creating a tall shadow of her like a real queen overlooking her kingdom. "Fine... they want us to have fun... let’s have some fun..."
Author's Note
Thanks for reading!
The "Castar card" is a reference to Lord of The Rings.
Cozy Glow's "scumbag checklist" is a reference to https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=S2Bg-WGggvl
"Feh! Two bags of gold for four lousy tickets! What a ripoff! You two call yourselves 'experts' at ticket booths?" Grogar mumbled to himself as he marched into the park alongside Flim and Flam. "Don’t worry my powerful comrade. Soon you and your friends will be having the time of their lives!" Flim said excitedly. "I hope for your sake you’re right. Wait a minute- where ARE those idiots?" Grogar said, looking around the active park in confusion.
"Why, they’re probably enjoying all our amazing rides as we speak!" Flam said. "All don’t you worry, all of our attractions are 100% safe." He patted the side of an arcade machine, causing it to malfunction and electrocute the pony. "Eh, heh heh, you weren’t planning on playing these, are you?" Grogar slapped himself.
Meanwhile, far down the ride-filled path, Tirek was approaching a test-your-strength game. The purple machine was sitting in front of him with the hammer ready, as if it was daring the centaur to try it as he rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Sweet biceps, here I come!" He bellowed as he picked up the hammer, raised it high, and slammed it down. Immediately the knob on the scale zoomed up, past Foal, to Stallion, to Minotaur, and finally coming to a stop just beneath Almighty God. "Bah, What does this game know? I’m far more superior than any of those princesses!" He remembered why they had come in the first place and grinned. "Let’s see how genuine this thing is when it’s lost all its magic!"
An orange orb appeared in between Tirek's bending horns, as he opened his mouth and began sucking all the magic out out of the game. What most ponies probably didn’t know was that each kind of magic centaurs gained had a different kind of taste too it. Princess magic, obviously, was the tastiest kind despite being so hard to find. Unfortunately, the game magic was nothing like it: it was really sour and tasted like cardboard that had been showered in salt. Tirek eventually had to stop before he became sick, and realized that he hadn’t just become less visibly stronger, as he was instead reverted back to his scrawny form rather than growing to his ultimate size, but he also felt incredibly unwell.
"There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you!" Grogar said angrily as he walked up to Tirek. "What happened to you? You look like a chewed up eraser." Tirek angrily punched the machine, though now that he had lost some magic it was more of just a little slap. "Ugh, what kind of power did they put in that!? I haven’t tasted magic that bad since Discord." Suddenly, a robotic hand extended from the machine and gestured to Tirek. ”Please deposit five bits." A robotic voice said.
Grogar rolled his eyes. "Oh, of course! knew this place was a sham. They’re trying to bankrupt us! Just keep trying to find something with REAL magic! I’ll go find the others!" He stalked off, mumbling to himself. "And my magic doesn’t taste that bad..."
Meanwhile, Cozy Glow was stuffing her face at a corn dog stand, acting like she hadn’t eaten in days- not counting the five uninterrupted hours they had spent looking for the park. "Yum, this stuff tastes WAY better than the food in Tartarus! And if the FOOD tastes good, the magic must be DELICIOUS!" She threw the wrappers to the ground and spotted Grogar shuffling by. "Oh hey, Grogar." She gulped Down the bit of sausage and patted her bulging stomach. "These corn dogs are great! That must mean there’s a lot of good magic stored inside! And I WANT it!" She grinned chaotically.
"Are you sure? I’m beginning to think this place isn’t legit." Grogar said. "Au contraire, goat. This is the most magical place this side of Equestria." Flim said quickly as the two hooligans slid up to the emperor. "It’s not IN Equestria!” Grogar said, raising his voice. "That’s why we CAME!" He slammed his hoof on the ground and created a bright yellow explosion of magic that threw the three ponies aside. "It’s obvious I am once again the only competent one here, so I shall take the magic myself!" He aimed his horns at the stands and began sucking all the energy from them into his horns. When he was finished, he turned to the vaudevillians and blew away the smoke on his horns. "Now prepare to feel the almighty wrath of GROGAR!"
Suddenly, a strange sparkling sound could be hard as little yellow sparks started shooting out from the old ram's horns. "What’s going on?" He demanded to know. His horns began shaking and buzzing as though they were robotic. Grogar yelped in pain as the horns suddenly began shrinking and turning a light shade of white, until they stopped, looking like the horns of a young billy goat. Grogar and Cozy Glow stared in horror at his new look, and the goat lowered his glare to the two nervously-smiling unicorns in front of them. "So... would you like to pay for your friends meal?" Flim asked. Grogar turned to Cozy. "Go find that bumbling changeling. I have no idea how old you are, but you probably won’t want to see what I’m about to do to these curs." Cozy shook her head quickly and flee off.
Chrysalis, meanwhile, was staring at the biggest, scariest flat ride she had ever seen. It loomed over her, blocking the setting sun and making the whole sky purple, with its shiny yellow lights, and it's Flim and Flam patented cars, which were frozen there in the air, waiting for someone to ride them. Chrysalis scoffed. "Big deal. I’ve been on rides with Fluffle Puff ten TIMES scarier than this." The wicked changeling took out a big bag of bits and put it on the counter, and after a second it disappeared into the desk. She didn’t do it because it was the rules, she just wanted to empty Grogar's wallet to annoy him.
Chrysalis flew up to the ride and strapped herself into a Flim car. "This ride better be something. I want to drain as much of it’s succulent love as possible." At the mention of "love", Chrysalis's belly roared, signalling her endless hunger for pony love. She smiled and rubbed her stomach with one hoof while the other clutched the metal bar around her. "Don’t worry, stomach. Soon we will have all the love of Equestria to keep us nourished, especially that sow Starlight! I might as well try this pathetic gizmo for s ride before I deprive it of its essence! Nyaha!" She laughed and made a strange face. Realizing she was starting to go crazy, Chrysalis just sat there for a minute, waiting for something to happen. "Say, when’s this thing gonna-"
Suddenly, the ride came to life, with a few unsettling creaks and whirs as the lights began blinking and the whole thing started to move, and the cars began making their way slowly around the ride. Aside from the sudden jolt at the start, it wasn’t very thrilling. Chrysalis just sat there, half-asleep, with one hoof pressed against her cheek. "Well, this fucking sucks."
Suddenly, Chrysalis heard Cozy calling her name. She looked over the edge of her seat and saw the pink Pegasus looking up at her. "Uh, Chryssie, What are you doing up there?” Chrysalis shrugged sarcastically. "Nothing, that’s what! What is Grogar doing? Has Tirek taken any of this place's magic that should be MINE? And, oh yeah, stop calling me CHRYSSIE!!!"
Cozy sighed. "You might as well get off of that thing. This place is just a scam so those clowns can get rich quick. There’s no actual magic." Chrysalis was flabbergasted. ”You have GOT to be kidding me! I’m going to turn those two ponies inside out and burn their bodies!" She squirmed around in her seat but was unable to break out of the metal bar. "Great, I’m stuck. See if you can stop the ride from down there."
Cozy flew over and examined a nearby panel. "Okey-dokey!" She pulled a big red lever in the middle of the panel, but Instead of slowing down the ride, it did the exact opposite. The ride suddenly sped up, the cars spinning around at an insanely fast sped. The changeling queen screamed and felt her stomach lurch as she was sent whirling and hurling around. Literally. Cozy had to zig-zag everywhere to avoid all the sickly green vomit. "Um, maybe I should just go get Grogar." She suggested sheepishly. If Chrysalis wasn’t being thrown around like a rag doll she would have cursed the wings off the little Pegasus.
Meanwhile, Flim and Flam were running terrified around the park, while Grogar chased them, shooting at the ground with his crippled horns. "Slow down, you assholes! I don’t want sweat coating your flesh when I slowly peel it off and DEVOUR IT!" Behind Grogar came Tirek, slowly limping around in search of something he could drain of magic. He was so starving he was practically about to collapse. "I just... want... some essence..." Suddenly, Cozy Glow flew up to the centaur. "Oh, great, just what I need now. I suppose you’re going to say you told me so."
"Uh, what did I tell you?" Cozy asked. "Oh, I don’t know. I’m so hungry I can’t even think straight!" Tirek growled. "Well then, have I got news for you. Chrysalis is stuck in a flat ride and you have to stop it." Tirek groaned. "Hmmm, fine. How much worse could it get at this point?"
Soon, they were standing in front of the crazy ride. The lights shone much better now as the sky was completely dark, but it had no effect on the cars as they were still spinning around as fast as a Wonderbolt, with poor Chrysalis still strapped into one and screaming, and when she wasn’t screaming, she was throwing up. "Wow." Tirek said with a smile as he stared up at the ride. "That actually looks fun."
"Eeyeah, but I don’t think Chrysalis sees it that way.” She said. "Quick! Drain that whole thing of it's of its magic so it’ll stop." Tirek gasped. ”Over my dead body! No, really, if I do that I’ll die! Then I won’t be able to CONQUER Equestria, and-" He suddenly stopped as an idea struck him. "Did you say drain the WHOLE thing?”
"Yes, and quick!" Cozy pleaded. She flashed him an incredibly cute puppy dog eyes look that Gallus had taught her to motivate him. Tirek looked up at the ride and cracked his neck. "Alright, but you BOTH owe me for this one." Tirek cracked his neck, and began inhaling all the magic from the ride. As he breathed in its essence, the ride got slower and slower, and Tirek grew bigger and bigger, eventually reaching the form he had been in when they first arrived. When he was done, the ride had completely stopped. Even the lights had turned off, leaving the area pitch black and completely quiet- well, except for the faint screaming of Flim and Flam in the distance.
"Wow, Tirek, you did it! And you got super buff again!" Cozy said excitedly. "But how? I thought there wasn’t any real magic in this place."
"There wasn’t... on the ride." Tirek said mischievously, and pointed at Queen Chrysalis, who was slowly dragging her weak, starving corpse out through the park entrance. Her hair was much more loose, and she had lost her little crown and had more holes in her body than before. "You... drained... all my... MAGIC?!" She shouted angrily. "Hey, I got you off the ride, didn’t I? Just get Grogar to boost you like he did with me!" The centaur walked off, laughing. "Oh, why didn’t HE just do that in the first place?" Chrysalis cried, before passing out.
Eventually, the three made their way back to Grogar. "Thank Celestia! Now we can finally get out of this hellhole!" He had ripped off Flim and Flam's horns and used them to pin their bruised and beaten bodies to two dart boards. "THAT should teach them a lesson. Now let’s go!" It was then that he noticed what had happened to Tirek and Chrysalis. "At least one of us had fun tonight." He huffed.
After the four villains had left the park, knocking some stands and garbage cans over, and returned to the cave, Cozy flew up to a fuming Grogar, who was throwing the unconscious Chryssie onto a mattress. "It’s too bad we couldn’t find any real magic in there. So what will we do now?" She asked. "How should I know?" Grogar growled. "This whole thing has thrown a wrench in my plans!" Grogar walked up to his globe and activated it, viewing the castle at Canterlot. "And a few weeks from now is the Summer Sun Celebration, so we must act quickly if we are to defeat Princess Twilight and her friends." He snorted angrily as an ad for something called "Cheese Sandwich's New Laugh Factory" popped on the screen. "And I have GOT to get ad blocker on this!"
Luckily, Grogar had given some extra bulk to Tirek, so he was able to spare some to bring Chrysalis back to normal when the goat wasn’t looking. "Ugh, when I take over Equestria, the first thing I’ll do is outlaw amusement parks.."
"Yes..." Tirek said, and he opened a drawer in the wall and pulled Grogar's prized Bewitching Bell. "If only we knew how to USE this thing..." Cozy flew up and snatched the bell. "Oh, I've got a good feeling about what this baby can do, and that idiot princess will never see it coming... now, who wants some disgusting amusement park corn dogs?"
Author's Note
Thanks for reading!
The "Fluffle Puff" character Chrysalis mentions is a reference to Fluffle Puff Tales.
