Dawn of man, Age of pony

by The Cowardly Christian

Rating: mature
Tags: Science Fiction, Adventure, Violence, Crossover, Sex, Death, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Gravity Falls
Length: 5242

Stone age AU! Dipper Pines has destroyed the harmony of the cave pony's! Can he keep them safe while surfing the tribulations of the new age of enlightenment? Of course not! Why do you think Twilight is stomping his balls to paste?

Stone age AU! Dipper Pines has destroyed the harmony of the cave pony's! Can he keep them safe while surfing the tribulations of the new age of enlightenment? Of course not! Why do you think Twilight is stomping his balls to paste? Dipper/Twilight, Pacifica/Alchor, Wendy/Tyrone

Published 2020-02-09 11:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2020-02-09 11:40:01 UTC

Man makes wonders...

Author's Note

ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'M GETTING A BOOK PUBLISHED!

SUMMARY:
On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.

...

https://www.amazon.fr/13-Dakota-Umlauf/dp/1984511963

Above is a link to amazon for my book

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/books/1128212357?ean=9781984511966

Above is a link to barnesandnoble for my book

https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898https://www.xlibris.com/Bookstore/BookDetail.aspx?BookId=SKU-001178898

Above is a link to Xilbris for my book

https://www.inkitt.com/stories/fantasy/217373

Above is a link to Inkitt.com for my book

https://www.linkedin.com/in/dakota-umlauf-487523169/

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Above is a link to my Patreon account

.......

If you want to see more, go to my fanfiction account: https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5874134/The-Cowardly-Christian-du911

...

AN: I know it says "in-progress" but really I just don't like boxing myself into a corner. For now this is more of a one-shot that I might continue one day...but probably won't.
But, hey. Feel free to use whatever elements you want from this, if you want! Or maybe give me ideas? Or maybe bribe me on my Patreon account

Love me, flame me, review me

Man makes wonders...

Dawn of man, Age of Pony

...III...

I OWN AND REGRET NOTHING!

...III...

Our story begins...with people being ripped to pieces!

The cave people ran...they ran from the apex predator. The saber tooth tiger, for what else could they do? Hunters they maybe but, they were only human. And what could mere humans do against a mighty-

FWOOM!

Why...they innovate of course...

A 12 year old Tyrone Pines wearing just a loincloth jumps in front of the beast and spits out garbage juice onto a torch, spewing flames at the tiger! Causing it to halt and rear back in fright!

SQUICK!

Giving Wendy the chance to skewer it through the neck from behind, blood staining her leopard skin bikini. All the other hunters cheered...well, except former head hunter UGH. "I could've done that." Grumbled Ugh.

Tristan chuckled, "Come on Ugh, she beat you fair and square. She's the new Head hunter." "Hey, I let her win! To...y'know, make the girls stop whining about 'wanting more rights' or whatever."

"Uh, huh was that before or after you ran away crying?" Asked Bog with a smirk as Tristan chuckled. "She kicked dirt in my eyes! My body was reacting!" Defended Ugh annoyed...he glare as the much older Wendy scooped up her much younger lover Tyrone and 'thanked' him by making out with him.

"Lucky bastard." Grumbled Ugh, he then sees a nearby goat grazing and quickly threw his spear in just the right way to stab it through the throat, killing it instantly.

"Ha! Stupid Goat." Mocked Ugh as he went to claim the corpse...

Unaware he was being watched by two other goats; Judy and William. "Well, there goes Steve." Said Judy. "Geez, that was the last of Grogar's family wasn't it? Dang, he's going to be ticked!"

They quickly play 'hoof, horn, furry' to decide who has to tell him...

...

Hmmm, interesting...but their not the main characters of our story...

...

Back at the tribe, things had gone a crazy direction the last couple months or so. Among many things, local nuisance Stan pines discovered 'fire'-

...couple months ago...

"DIE! DIE! YOU STUPID BUGS!" Shouted Stan as he tossed flint rocks at the hundreds of roaches that infested his cave, sparks flew from the rocks as they impacted, igniting his pelts, and making FIRE!

"Ha! Now this is something! I'm a genius! I'm...wait, what's cooking?" He then screams as his pelt is set ablaze along with his cave...

...later...

Then of course, Stan gained some 'help' from the tribes medicine man(AKA his brother Ford Pines) to make sure he alone would keep the monopoly on fire...

...

"Dang it! I got so many good pelts and food from fire! But now that everyone knows the secret of making fire- Serves me right for doing those self-help classes to squeeze some extra pelts from these schumucks! - suddenly their too good to pay me for my creation!"

Stan rubs his head where he got hit by a stone from yet another 'do-it-yourselfer fire starter' when he tried to put out their fire to collect pelts from them.

"'You created something, but you don't own it.' 'Everything we make is for the greater good of the tribe.'" Mocked Stan out loud, "Frak that! I created it, i own it, I demand rewards for it! I need to think of something...I know! ...I'll get Ford to think of something!"

He walks in on Ford as he's carefully dripping potions on a strange horse-like skull with a large glowing horn coming out of it, he had to be careful, this was very volatile and one misspill-

"HEY SIXER! I NEED HELP!"

SPLASH!

BOOM!

No one could explain it...but from that point on...no one but Stan could make fire...

...

This naturally irritated everyone...but fire had become too wonderful to get ride of so they were forced to give in to Stan's wants...

It was annoying, but what could you do?

Except scheme of course...

...

Preston Northwest grunted as he was forced to transport(in a way) junk he found in his cave to trade for pelts. It was a nightmare! Before he could happily just leech off the hardwork of others...now he had to PAY for everything. It was intolerable!

Naturally, his daughter was too busy yelling at that Pines boy to help-

"SEE! the branches cast different lengths of shadows! That means the earth is round!" Snapped Alchor Pines annoyed.

"OR, the sunlight hitting it from a different angle affects the length!" Snaps Pacifica.

Preston ignores the childish bickering to focus on heavy-lifting...or rather the person who he'd tricked to do the heavy-lifting...

"Explain to me again why I'm carrying the stuff you want to sell to ME?" Asked Trembly.

"Because you were smart enough to realize carrying them would mean I wouldn't have an opportunity to 'tamper' with the goods and scam you." Stated Preston with his most 'BS spewing' smile.

"Oh! Right. Wow, I'm smart." Preston had to keep himself from rolling his eyes, "Yes, of course you are..."

Trembly groans as he lifts the Two oddly shaped rocks attached with a long stick up...only to immediately fall and cause the rest of the things to fly into the air.

Both men jumps out of the way and watches amazed as his basket falls onto the two odd rocks connected to the stick, two spears pierce the basket in the front and all his other stuff falls into the basket without issue or damage. Trembly approached this new...'thing' cautiously. He grabbed both spears...and gently moved it...the sticks seemed to have wedged themselves into the undercarriage of the basket somehow...and he could move it! Easily! He could move all these things with greatest of ease!

Now Preston had never really had much of an innovative thought in his life...but he wasn't stupid, he saw a golden opportunity when he saw it!

"WOO-HOO! This new thing we discovered together is going to make us both rich! I'll happily split the pelts evenly with you!" Shouts Trembly happily

Preston chuckles, "Yes, that's...ONE way we could go about it. Why don't we celebrate our new venture inside that dark, secluded forest over there? I know a great berry bush that's simply DIVINE!"

"I see no reason to not do that." Said Trembly obliviously as he walked into the woods...followed by Preston...as he picked up a rather large bone...

...Later...

"Where's Trembly? He was supposed to help with the dung heap today" Asked Ugh. "Killed by a tiger." Said a blood covered Preston flatly as he threw his even bloodier bone into a fire.

"Eh, Good enough for me." Said Ugh with a dismissive shrug.

...

Soon Preston and Stan were neck and neck for who was the richest guy in the tribe...

Naturally, there was some complications...

...

"I'm sorry, your stealing my pelts because Minerva promised you TWICE what I'm paying you? And your moving it to her cave where she'll charge me an extortionate fee to keep them for me?" Stated Preston flatly. Ugh nodded, "Pretty much, I mean in fairness; A higher bidder economy is what you were trying to set up right?"

"Oh, very much so. Especially, when I intend to be the ONLY highest bidder around."

"Well stand aside big boy, your gonna have to share." said a smug Minerva as she petted the duck menacingly.

Preston nods thoughtfully, "Yes, so it would seem. I suppose congratulations are in order, just one question...where did you get all the pelts your planning to pay UGH?"

Minerva's eyes widen, "Excuse me?" She asked baffled...and maybe a bit nervous?"

"Well, it just seems odd. It's well known that you were frankly an even bigger mooch on the old 'everyone can leech off others hard work' system then I was. It's even more well know that you were completely broke when the old system fell apart and yet here you are. Somehow miraculously attaining enough pelts to bribe UGH away from my employ! Quite strange, wouldn't you say?"

"Uh...", Minerva began to sweat.

"Huh...hey, your right. That is weird." Admitted Ugh thoughtfully. "Right, tell me my good UGH. Did she give you these pelts in advance?" "Uh...no?" "Well, how about just a downpayment of them then?" "Uh...also no." "Have you actually SEEN the pelts she promised?" "Well, again no. She said she'd pay me AFTER I moved the pelts into her place."

Preston sighed, "My good sir. Did it occur to you that Minerva has NOTHING and she's simply hoping to bluff that fact away long enough for you to deliver the pelts to her so she can simply pay you from MY stash?"

UGH chuckled good naturely, "What? No, come on. Minerva wouldn't- ANNNND I just heard myself talking." He trailed off in realization, then went to glare at Minerva...who was already running out of the cave.

This time UGH's chuckle was of the more nervous variety, "Uh...no hard feelings?" He asks his once more current employer Preston. Preston shrugged, "None at all, simply chase her down, give her a good thrashing, take all her worldly possessions- including the pelt off her back and we'll call it even." He said dismissively.

UGH's eye's widen, "Whoa man! I'm not exactly 'Mr. Nice guy'...but hitting a girl? I don't know-

Preston shrugged, "Fine, we'll just cut your pay then-

UGH's eye's widen, "Whoa! Whoa! Let's not go crazy here! I didn't say I WOULDN'T do it...just that I was uncomfortable..." He trails off as he sees Preston glare and tap his foot impatiently. "ANNNND by that I mean... MINERVA IS GOING DOWN!" He shouts suddenly as he holds up a club and runs after her.

"That's what I thought." Said Preston smugly, he then goes into deep thought. "Actually...Minerva's idea wasn't half bad..." He thinks to himself as UGH rips off her pelt and chases a now naked Minerva out of camp in the background. "With better planning, perhaps it could be applied to help me bring down those blasted Pines! Making ME the sole peltwinner in the tribe!"

...

Spoiler: It DIDN'T...

...

Preston's eye's went wide, "What- "Don't ask." Said UGH from the head that was now on his butt, "Fortunately, Ford told me it'll wear off in an hour or so...needless to say, I don't care if you fire me- I am NOT going back there."

Preston groaned, "Dang it man, you realize that means I'll now have to- (shudder) -TALK to him to resolve this feud?"

UGH winched sympathetically, he could feel his 'man-carving' take a hit just listening to that suggestion...but he stayed firm...and not because his face was still technically a butt...

...

"Good evening Mr. Pines." "Can the small talk Preston, were both the richest men in the village. Were both greedy bastards who want to knock out the other. Neither one of us trusts each other enough to NOT backstab the other. I can't destroy you because Sixer refuses to uses any of his mumbo-jumbo for anything but self-defense, and your brute-for-hire can't destroy me because of said 'self-defense'."

"Hey, I have a name y'know!" Snapped UGH. "No one cares!" Shouts everyone- Preston included. UGH just grumbles...

Despite the bluntness, Preston couldn't help but nod to the assessment of the situation. "A crude Statement...but a fair one none the less. Which leaves the question...where dose that leave us?"

"Well, you both could just be happy with what you have and just accept there's someone equal to you." Stated Ford flatly on Stan's Side- potions and instruments ready if things go sour.

Both Preston and Stan take one look at Ford...and just break down laughing.

Ford throws up his hands in annoyance, "Right, of course...what WAS I thinking?" He growls sarcastically. "It's okay Mr. Ford, we all say silly things every now and then." Said an oblivious yet also somehow quite fat man-child named Soos who was Stan's assistant...his small loincloth stretched very thin by his large gut...

Ford rolls his eyes, but say nothing. Soos, however continues to talk. "Huh, it's too bad there's no way the two of you could just- I don't know, MERGE your two businesses naturally in a way were you could both trust that you would both get equal shares...if not NOW, at least at a future date." Noted Soos sadly.

"I'm surprised you got home yesterday, considering the direction of 'down' alone is a challenge for you Mrs. nose-held-high!" "Head as big as yours, I'm amazed you even know what 'up is!" Shouts Pacifica and Alchor having their usual daily spat nearby

Ignoring the kids, Stan and Preston rolls their eyes at Soos, "Yes, thank you for the observation, Captain obvious." Stated Stan annoyed.

"Who?" Asked Preston.

Stan shrugs, "Eh, there was some guy named 'Captain' who liked to state very obvious things...the nickname stuck, he froze to death last winter, but I guess the name was so fitting and catchy I guess were just giving it to people at random now..."

Preston waved a hand dismissively, "Yes, fine, whatever. If we could get back to the issue at hand; Since were both evenly matched. It would of course be ideal to have a cheap, effortless, EASY way to solve our issue that doesn't involve us actually doing anything..."

"See! The water dries up!" Snaps Alchor. "That doesn't mean it went into the air!" Argues Pacifica.

Stan, having had enough turned to the bickering kids and shouted: "KIDS! WILL YOU JUST SKIP TO THE PART WHERE YOU SLINK AWAY, RIP OFF YOUR PELTS AND MAKE LOVE WHEN YOU THINK NO ONE IS WATCHING YOU!? WE'RE TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE!"

Both kids went very red as everyone else looked at Stan in surprise. Stan turned back to them confused. "...What? Their clearly in a love-hate relationship: arguing in public, making love in private..." He saw their continued blank looks, "Seriously? Was I the only one who figured that out?"

Ford snaps his fingers, "Wait a minute, that's it! That's the answer!" Stan looked horrified, "Uh, Sixer I'm all for a good' roll in the dirt' as much as the next guy, but I don't-

"No, not THAT! I'm talking about Pacifica and Alchor! If their in a relationship, eventually they'll have a child! A child of both our families! Eventually that child would inherit both your businesses, thus you can merge them without concern, as to damage either business would actually eventually hurt the profits your children would get!"

A grumbling Stan reluctantly went with it...Preston on the other hand...he didn't like it...but although more selfish then Stan, the stone age 'we could die any day now' society he lived in made him bitterly aware of his own mortality...and if he couldn't take his things with him in death he certainly wanted it to be his progeny who got it!

...Of course, he'd gladly sell his progeny out to extend his own life and keep everything himself...but since that wasn't an option here...

Preston let out a resigned sigh, "Oh, fine!" He grunted annoyed.

Everyone, annoyed but content with the arrangement walks off...

Alchor and Pacifica simply stand there flustered, "What...just happened?" Asked Pacifca confused, "I guess...we need to have a kid?" Stated Alchor bewilderd.

Pacifica frowned, "And how exactly will you knock me up with that needle dick of yours?" She asked playfully, giving his skimpy loincloth a playful tassle. "Oh, the same way I can enjoy that flat chest of your's." Said an equally snarky Alchor, as he put a hnad on her one-piece pelt that coverd her currently curveless body. The worry gone and a smile back...

They kiss. "So...want to go back to your place?" Asked Pacifica. "Nah, it smells weird. Your place will do just fine..."

...

Oh, saucy! ...but still...not the hero's of this tale...

...

Grogar snorted as timid Judy and William made their report. "No more...this has gone on far enough! For too long humanity has lorded over all other animals with their opposable thumbs and tool making capability! NO MORE! If we do not act soon, we'll all be their dinner!"

"Uh, okay...and how do we stop them?" Asked William.

"We, must stop being prey and start being PREDATOR." Grogar smashed his horns against a rock...shattering it.

"Uh...not that that wasn't badass...but...won't we have to get within SPEAR range to whack them with our horns? 'y'know the 'instant kill' tools they are masters of?" Pointed out Judy.

Grogar looked thoughtful, "Very true..." He looks around...sees a stick. It was no spear, but it would be a good start. He then makes William grab it with his mouth. "Right, Judy...beat up William-

CRACK!

OW!

Grogar groaned, "-AFTER I help William defend himself." He finished annoyed.

"What the frack Judy!?" "Don't give me that! I'm not going to say no to the giant goat that can shatter rocks with his horns! And neither would you!"

As they bickered Grogar shook his head, "This...is going to be harder then I thought..."

...

Okay, ominous. Definitely the Villain of this piece...but STILL not the main character...

...

Ah...here we go...

Dipper Pines didn't know where he was in his life. He and his brothers were all interested in their grunkle Fords line of work...but of the three of them, he was the one most dedicated...and it wasn't hard to figure out why...

Tyrone was increasingly becoming more and more Wendy's support in fights, Alchor was...doing whatever messed up relationship he had going with Pacifica.

Dipper was the only one unattached, which was mostly because...he just wasn't interested in girls. Wait, that came out wrong...he WAS attracted in girls...but he just didn't find them interesting...

Wendy(coolest girl EVER) and Pacifica(both scary AND arousing...scarousing?)... he might've been willing to go with either of them had they been still available...but everyone else? ...all the other girls kinda just faded into the background...and even if that wasn't the case...girls just weren't as interesting as the supernatural.

Case in point...his sister Mable had tried to get him to go out and make a 'love connection' with some girls as they bathed in the lake...but instead he'd rather be out in the wilderness examining a strange horse-like skull with a glowing horn coming out of it.

Clad in nothing but a tiny loincloth, Dipper eagerly began to make marking in the dirt, sprinkle weird ingredient on it and chant strange words...all to discover the origins of this mysterious skull his grunkle Ford had found...

Meanwhile, not too far away; Grogar was just shaking his head annoyed as Judy and William tried to hold the sticks to attack each other.

"Sir, it's no use! Without opposable thumbs this is hopeless!" Exclaims Judy right before she accidentally smacks herself in the eye with her stick. "Darn you Darwin!" She curses

"Who's Darwin?" Asks William. "That elk from the bog? Real annoying? Has a bunch of crazy ideas about nature altering us over the generations? Got eaten by a wildebeest?" Reminds Judy.

"Oh, yeah...man that was a crazy day." States William.

"ENOUGH!" Shouts Grogar annoyed. "Okay, clearly we need to put a pin in this for now since it's clearly not going anywhere." He appears to be in deep thought, "Right...it seems we must start out even more basic-

"More basic then a stick?" Asked Judy skeptical.

"Sir, with all due respect...I just don't think our species is cut out for the whole 'predator' or 'being proactive', or 'being the dominant species' thing...maybe we should just go back to...y'know grazing?" Asked William hopefully.

Grogar snarled, "Will you feel the same way when it's one of YOUR kin being broken up and eaten?"

Judy and William look at each other and shrug. "Eh, never really saw the need to be close to our families...what with them getting eaten or killed all the time..." Admitted William with a shrug.

"Will you be so casual about this when it's YOUR neck skewed by a spear?!" Snapped Grogar annoyed.

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I'm sure that will suck when it happens to me...Buuut...honestly that just makes me want to not worry so much and just enjoy the time left before it happens." Admits Judy.

Grogar slams his hoofs onto the ground annoyed, "I can't believe you two! Where's your ambition?! Your Pride!? Is this all you ever really want?! Have you never dreamed of more?!"

Judy and William thought about it for a moment, "I'd...like to eat better grass." Admitted William. "And I could do with better drinking water that doesn't taste like crap." Said Judy finally.

Grogar groaned, but sadly this STILL actually made these two more thoughtful then the rest of the herd...so beggars couldn't be choosers...

"Look, in any case. I don't know who decided to put humans on the fast-track of becoming the dominant species of this planet, but I for one intend to put a stop to it!" Stated Grogar.

"Uh...that's all well and good...but again, what's more basic then a stick?"

Grogar rubs his horns in thought, "Hmmmm...before one can walk, one must learn to crawl...we'll work our way up to the stick. But for now we must work on what we have...we need to practice defense of their spears with what we have before we can move forward. We'll use our horns, our hooves, whatever we have to block and maim them!"

"Uh, okay. But again...how?" Asked Judy. "It's not like we can wander up to the human camp and take one of them to practice on."

Grogar frowned at that and began to pace and thought...then smiles... "No, but looks like we won't have to." He points down from the cliff there on...and there is Dipper.

"Such a small, helpless human all by himself...perfect! We'll capture him and make him fight us with a stick! Once we've trained enough, we'll move on to something harder." He begins to scale down the mountain.

The two other goats look to each other and shrug. "Good a plan as any." "Why not?" They both follow after there leader.

...

Dipper continued to probe the strange magic within the skull...he was very close to discovering it's origin, soon he'd have a spell that points the way-

BAW!

Dipper looked behind to see a large goat charge him! Panicked, Dipper grabbed the closest thing to shield himself. The next moment happened in slow motion. He brings up the skull upside down. Grogar unintentionally rams the horn of the skull through his heart as he charges forward. his horns shatter the skull-

BOOM!

The two other goats who were following behind are blinded by the flash of light, as they blink the spots out of their eye's...they see a rather large smoking crater where the human had been...nothing remaining but the burning remnants of his loincloth fluttering in the breeze...and their leader in a crumpled heap a considerable distance away...

They walk over...and see him with a large burn mark over his chest...and him bleeding rather profusely...

"ANNNNND another leader bites the dust." Stated Judy neutrally.

"Credit where credit was due, he lasted longer then all the others."

"yeah, a WHOLE month in charge! A new record!"

BAH!

Shouted Grogar suddenly as he breathed once more.

GAH!

Shouted the two goats in fright.

"What...what happened?" Grumbled Grogar. The two other goats just looked bewildered at the whole thing. "Uh..." Stammered Judy, not sure what to make of it all...

"Bah! Never mind, tell me later! Just get me home...ugh, my whole body feels like it's on fire!"

Not knowing what else to do...the two goats help their leader limp home...not giving the smoking crater behind him a second thought...

...

Dipper groaned...he felt like he got hit by a mammoth..after being force feed Mable's 'mystery' stew...hard to tell which was worse...

He rose up...tried to remember what happened...flashes...the skull...a...ram?..and then a flash...pain...and now he was...wait...where was he?

He was still a bit dazed...but he thinks could see the sun...hear bird chirps...feel the caress of the summer breeze on his ding-dong...WAIT, WHAT!?

To Dipper's horror, he realized he was now naked. And his teeny weeny was exposed in all it's rather minuscule 'glory'. Dipper blushed as he covered himself and looked frantically around.

Dipper was well aware that he- to put it bluntly -had a tiny dick. His brothers were small in that area too...but as Mable annoyingly pointed out after 'measuring' them in their sleep- WITHOUT their permission -his was the smallest of the three. His brothers dicks were a centimeter long when soft', his was HALF-a centimeter long. Their nuts were the size of raisins, his were sesame seeds. They had some hair...he had NONE.

Fortunately, there was no one around...in fact...he seemed to be on a rather vibrant and colorful mountain ridge...a mountain...that was squirting a rainbow from it's top? And was that...music?

Dipper looks down from the ridge...

And there was...he think he saw them in one of his grunkle fords notes...horses...no. The compare them to horses was like to compare...monkeys? Yes, compare monkeys to humans!

No, these were...ponies? Yes, ponies! That sounded right! And some had horns...was that magic? Yes! The horned ponies must be like the skull his grunkle found! And there were WINGED one's flying around too! They were just trotting around, playing around, singing-

Dipper's eye's went wide, they could talk! And they were singing!

This is the peaceful land called Equestria
Where ponies live in harmony
They never have no kind of trouble
There's no hint of misery
The land is always lively
But never nasty or obscene
Behind it all stood our leader Celestia
She always keeps things happy and care-free

Everything was so happy, peaceful, and clean...and the ponies...especially the mares...were all so beautiful, radiant...supernatural...feminine...especially that purple, horned one...all bent over reading a tablet...her cute plot in the air...swishing back and forth-

pop

Dipper's eyes widen in disbelieving mortification as he looked down at his first boner...which...annoyingly enough only made it slightly bigger...two/thirds of a centimeter...

Dipper gulped, and covered himself once more. "Need to find home...or at least a new loincloth..." He mumbled to himself, deciding to put all questions regarding his very confusing sexuality on the backburner for now...he looked around for a way to get down...but there was no way to get down without exposing himself to the clearly, mostly GIRL population...with no other option once more to the rainbow spewing mountain top that seemed to be covering the whole valley...crossing his fingers, hoping for at least a spare loincloth...he starts to climb...

He doesn't notice his climbing loosen some rocks or setting them atumble...causing them to fall near a certain purple horned pony...who naturally looks up in surprise...

...later...

Dipper's poor noodle arms were aching...but he was FINALLY at the top...and the source of the rainbow...was a crystal tree filled with 6 glowing crystal fruits?

Dipper shrugged, "Sure, why not?" He quickly used the view to try to get his bearings...but NOTHING looked familiar...there was an awful lot of black smoke coming far off in the east...

...meanwhile...

"Hurry it up! And remember, if anyone asks you never heard of 'wheel muzzles' and I most certainly didn't make them!" Shouts Stan as his family quickly threw all the incriminating evidence into the fire...causing it to spew large amounts of smoke that could be seen for hundreds of miles around...

...

Dipper shrugged, it was better then nothing. He quickly memorized the location and direction of the smoke...then got to his next priority; finding something to hide his modesty.

However, despite himself...he couldn't help but be sidetracked by the mystery of the clearly magic crystal tree. Mesmerized by it's wonder, he reaches a hand up to one of the crystal fruits-

"HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?" Dipper froze up in panic, as an equally panicky GIRL voice came from behind him. Fear of being seen nude overriding all else, he snatches the nearest thing- this case the jeweled fruit -to cover himself-

ZAP!

Which immediately caused the rainbow to start to sputter and the tree to lose some of it's luster. "Oh, that can't be good." Thinks Dipper as he pails considerably.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? PUT THAT BACK!" Screamed the very familiar cute purple pony as she leapt up. "GAH! I'M SORRY! I'LL PUT IT BACK! JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO-

But Dipper's frantic yelling's were ignored by the pony as she- to Dipper's increasing mortification, tried to yank away the crystal from covering his privates while screaming: "HELP! THIEF! THIEF! THIEF!"

Dipper desperately tried to maintain his modesty in front of the cute pony girl, "PLEASE! I'LL GIVE IT BACK! JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO FIND SOMETHING ELSE TO COVER MY-

CRASH!

Both looked down in horror at the now shattered remains of the crystal fruit, the tree's rainbow started to spark and hiss...and the tree lost even more of it's luster...and even started to shake...

The purple pony growled at Dipper, her nostrils flaring with steam. "YOU IDIOT!" She accused.

Dipper whimpered as he quickly backed away from the increasingly enraged mare, "I'm sorry! But you still have the other five, right? Maybe-

BUMP!

Dipper felt his back bump the tree-

CRASH!

CRASH!

CRASH!

CRASH!

CRASH!

-he then heard the sound of FIVE very breakable objects falling from great heights and shattering on the ground...

Twilight...was just gaping in horror at what was behind him. "Please let it be 5 bother things shattering, please let it be 5 other things shattering, please let it be 5 other things shattering." He pleaded as a now sweating Dipper slowly turned around...

But his pleading was in vain...the five other fruits had shattered...the tree was clearly dead...the rainbow was gone...and all over Equestria...the food turned rotten...the water rancid...and the harmony was no more...

Dipper gulped nervously, "Uh...oops?" He whimperd.

CRACK!

Twilight responded by bucking him right in his poor fear boner...

The repeated trampling of his poor testicles would EVENTUALLY cause Dipper to fall unconscious...

And soon wake up for the first day of a new age...

...III…...

TO BE CONTINUED?