Fallout Equestria: Sourpuss' Dossier
Forward: An Article on LSP
Special Report
Report on LSP to the Minestry of Morale
The Subject of Limited Sensory Precognition has become of interest to the Ministry Mare of late. An ability that she calls her "Pinkie Sense", LSP has come up several times in conversations with her highest advisors and staff. Her understanding of it has made her completely convinced that anyone with a similar ability should be added to her staff immediately.
Before this Review, the Mare hired her sister Maudileena Daisy Pie as a scientific and investigative officer. Maudilleena, hereafter referred to by the moniker Maud, was able to demonstrate her extra-sensory abilities to several Ministry Scientists.
As a scientist herself, Maud was far more reliable in testing than the Mare was and cooperated fully with staff. Her basic abilities seemed to be similar to her sister's, but she seemed to have more control and understanding. The Transcripts of these tests are hereby attached.
~Test 1~
[Doctor] Subject is identified as LSP test subject 002, Maudileena. Doctor Pie has agreed to participate in tests regarding her apparent precognition abilities, related to those described by the Ministry Mare. Subject, please report to the testing chamber and report any precognitive experiences.
[Maud] Of course Doctor.
[Doctor] Let it be known that the subject has taken her place in the testing chamber and that tests have begun.
[Maud] I taste Granite, something is going to fa-
~Test 7~
[Doctor] Maud, alright, this next test involves your sister. We have asked that the Mare be placed in simulated danger in the testing facility would you kindly "Save" her?
[Maud] Tastes like Prestolite Quartz. She's too close to magical radiation, you must have placed her near...
[Doctor] Make a note, the subject is running at incredible speed and... Seems to be disregarding the structure of the building to get to her sister.
[Pinkie] You found me! Now it's your turn to hide!
[Maud] Yes Pinkie, it was a fun game. But you should move away from those rocks. They are not completely safe.
[Pinkie] You love rocks so much that I'm suprised you havn't married one yet!
[Maud] Me and Boulder are in an open relationship.
[Doctor] As obvious as it may seem, please note that the subject was able to find her sister in danger in under a minute by directing her force through walls. She exhibited the ability to find the perfect weak spot to hit. Further testing needed.
[Maud] I have always had the ability to find the weak spot in stones, yes. Even before I got my Rockterate, or even began to study. I suppose it was partially the environment I grew up in, on the rock farm I learned quickly. But I took to it alot more than my sisters, and a lot quicker.
[Doctor] Have you considered that this may too be an exhibition of your Extra Sensory abilities? LSP isn't well studied yet, but perhaps you have developed slightly different abilities than your sister.
[Maud] I hadn't until just now, but perhaps you are right. The Sense, LSP, seems to attach itself to our personalities. My less care-free nature means I have slightly more practical uses of it than my sister. If it includes something so integral to my life I should be more thankful for it.
[Doctor] Lets do a few tests on your ability to sense mineral contents... could be useful in some scenarios.
[Doctor] Your sister has described her LSP as becoming more powerful when taking this drug from Zebrica. We would like you to confirm if this is one of it's effects.
[Maud] Okay. <20 seconds pass by> Wow. I haven’t felt anything quite like it. My sister has repeatedly described the euphoria of drugs to me, but I never quite saw the appeal until now...
[Doctor] But does it do anything to LSP? Do you mind testing that out right now for us?
[Maud] Ah, yes right... Well, with a little bit of prodding I can tell that my sense is definitely far more powerful. I now am starting to feel some events blocks away, and that my sister is in a stressful meeting upstairs.
[Doctor] And your specific abilities?
[Maud] I don't want to admit this... it will sound treasonous.
[Doctor] Don't worry, nothing will come of this. You are working under the Princess' orders through the Ministry, completely above board.
[Maud] I know exactly where to place explosives to take down this building, the palace, or even the whole of Canterlot. With the right placement it would take approximately Thirteen correctly placed TNT explosive sticks to take out the city.
[Doctor] ... We should probably get on Suring up those faults.
[Maud] Yes Doctor.
Personnel File of Maud
Name: Maudileena Daisy Pie
Previous Occupation: Rock Farmer/Geology Professor
Position: MoM head of LSP Research
Abilities: LSP
Unique Abilities: Shows signs of unique forms of LSP including both the ability to sense exactly where her sister needs her, sensing the exact mineral content through various unscientific means, and knowing the weak points in any stone.
Background: The sister of the Mare of the Ministry of Morale, Maud grew up alongside their two other sisters on a Rock farm. Maud received a Rocterate after several years of research in Geological rarities, mostly stones found in odd and obscure places. Over time as the subject of Arcane Matrix technology, Maud became a researcher figuring out what gemstones worked best in Matrix-Tech.
Maud worked with the Minestry of Arcane Sciances developing several Matrix technologies with their head researchers, Mosaic and Gestalt. This research jumpstarted the beginning of the Arcane Matrix boom and lead to the majority of Magical Energy Weapons and some of the most advanced Arcahnotech developed in tandem with the MoAS.
Publicly Maud's hiring and subsequent research at the MoM is an extension of that previous research into Archanotechnologicaly sound gemstones. However, over time she has become the head of the LSP research arm of the MoM. She continues side projects related to her interests but also works with the mare to expand the LSP staff. Doctor Pie is one of the most invaluable members of LSP.
Addendum by Officer Sourpuss
Hi there. You're probably wondering why I sent you this file. Or maybe your wondering why I'm adding an Addendum to a two-hundred-year-old Document that was out of date years before the bombs fell. Well there are some things that ponies like you need to know about so, as the active director of the Ministry of Morale, I have decided to declassify everything I have collected. Be warned, you may not like the history you see... I certainly didn't.
My name is Sourpuss. Before the war I was just another pony with a shitty job and no life. I did an editorial in the paper occasionally, and that was about it. To be honest, I'm probably one of the only ponies that could be thankful that the war happened. It was the first time I had a reason... a reason to keep on going. So, I'm releasing this file, in part, to remind myself what it was all about. As well as adding a bit of context to LSP.
LSP, Limited Sensory Precognition. It's the ability we all shared, about 10 to 20 of us, the closest and most secret sections of the MoM. We didn't know about each other before Pinkie gathered us, but we could sense when we walked close. When the war happened, Pinkie knew there was a certain type of pony she needed on her staff. I was the second one she recruited.
I suppose I was the first LSP agent the Ministry had. We called ourselves the Special Division, presided over by Pinkie herself, primarily because her name for us was dumb. The League of Secrete Ponies. She thought it was funny to Slap LSP on every memo we sent to each other, and on our personal watermarked seals. Pinkie wasn't always the smartest of ponies, let’s just say.
Out of the Division we each had our regular ranks. I was the head of the Bucklyn office, a position that would have been more important if the Mare herself didn't usually spend most days on the other side of the river. I suppose most thought I was a bit of an asshole, but at least I didn't have a stick up my ass. It was LSP that made me... made US special.
Pinkie decided, without any of our consent I might add, that despite LSP having a perfectly good name and us all having the same basic abilities we should keep to a naming scheme her and her sister came up with as foals. My abilities became known as Sour Sense. In the Division, when Pinkie wasn't looking, we usually ended up using Sense only to describe our specialties.
For me, my specialization was pain and hurt. I could feel every nasty thing that one pony did to another. I suppose that might explain to some why I was so cranky, but whatever. Usualy I felt this sensation as a sharp pain... remarkably like a knife stabbing into me I now know. When I was a foal I could sense the malcontented miasma of the world, getting a searing pain that made me know what people did.
Drug Dealers, Slum Lords, even Foal Fiddlers... Every single one of them I could pick out of a croud. Lets just say I wasn't exactly a happy camper. I mean can you fucking imagine what it was like back then, when everything was painted over with pastel colors, and see the pain that everyone ignored? How hard it was, as a foal, to deal with the horrible ponies that were in my own city?
Yeah, well, it wasn't great. In any case, these files are... well they’re not in the most direct order. But I have a "sense" that they’re in the right one.
Fallout Equestria: Sourpuss' Dossier
Chapter One: The Last Day
Debrief 001
Debrief 001: Last day
I took the liberty to set my files to one in the event of a complete collapse of Equestrian society, as well as the collapse Ministry command structure. I have decided to record all my memories of the last couple days immediately so as to not lose their fidelity, as I do not have a unicorn available to extract my memories. Since I have not found evidence of any of my peers, I have given myself leave to speak freely in these briefings.
My morning began with a splitting headache like always, my eyes widening to find the dirty ceiling of my shitty one room Bucklyn apartment. My only source of joy was the soft cat purring, cuddling on my hind-hooves. I continued to lay there for several minutes, repeatedly ignoring and re-setting my alarm for the morning. Finally, after nearly an hour of expected disfunction, I was unable to stay in my place and was forced to get up.
Tartar Sause, my cat, did not look particularly happy with my getting up and making her move. Of course, she never looked particularly happy. With a yowl she kept her tail straight up and walked away from me to lie upon the back of my sofa. I cracked my neck and walked over into the small bathroom, just off the somehow even smaller kitchen. I have to admit, I looked a little like death warmed over. I used the facilities, then just splashed water in my face before leaving, I had work to do.
My breakfast consisted of a left over can of baked beans, cracked open without magic with a mouth-held can opener. I had it with a piece of rye toast and an egg. One of the other pieces of bread had a little mold on it, but that piece had been fine. Of course, I used my automatic toaster to cook it… had to shove it in with a screwdriver though, stupid thing needed more repairs. The egg was sunny side up, cooked in a plan that was mostly just cleaned by paper towel, and made a delicious sizzling sound when it hit the hot vegetable oil.
After eating I got ready to go by slipping my coat on, wrapping my scarf around my neck, and placing the hat on top of my head. “Don’t wait up,” I said to my cat, slamming the door behind me. Sause was not impressed, of course. To get out of my building I had to pass by about a dozen doors, each of which marked with so much seditious graffiti I could get the entire building thrown in a rock breaking camp.
I took the subway to the office, which was one of the main reasons I live… lived in a shitty neighborhood. There was the pink line which would deposit me directly at my office, and if I ever needed to go into town it would take me right to Hoof Beats as well. The cars were slightly more cramped than Four-Stars ones, but the leather seating was certainly a lot nicer than the straw seating many Four-Stars customers still had to deal with.
The subway was owned by Four-Star’s main competitor, the Bucklyn Transportation Company, or BTC. A not uncommon nickname for the company was “the Bitch”. The main entrances were filled with automatic turnstiles, each outfitted with a way to pay one of their bit-like tokens. They tasted a hell of a lot more bitter than the normal gold-based curancy however, each one being a mixture of tin and copper.
‘Next stop, Bucklyn Bridge Industrial District, Greenville Street. Transfer to the 1, 15, and 42 busses.’ Came the voice of the operator mare, that was my stop. After getting out of the train it was only a hop, skip, and a jump to my office. The building was non-descript, a large former factory that I had purchased for the ministry office space. Of course, within a month it had an underground scene and it’s own style of odd industrialized music.
I walked through the bar to the back door, ignoring the general hellos from the remaining staff and drunks. After climbing a set of stairs I found my way to the Ministry offices, a large floor of ponies at both typewriters and computers. My personal office was in the back, and I dodged past five different ponies with questions to get to it quickly. I slammed the door behind me and sat at my desk.
I sighed, closing my eyes and feeling my headache surge again. But this would be the last time for the day. I rubbed my hoof on the top drawer of my desk, opened it, and took out one of the tins. Inside the that tin would be Mint-Als, the ministry exclusive party time verity. With a blissful moan I popped three of the crunchy mints into my mouth, chewed, and swallowed. Waiting for the wonderful things to make my day… better.
I don’t know if you’ve ever taken a drug like PTMs, but you’ve probably never taken them with LSP. A toss of them in my gullet and my mind quickly expanded, making everything around me… more. It was more like a buck to the face than any bottle of sparkle cola would ever be. PTMs have a special interaction with LSP, they make us a… lot more deserning about what is going on around us.
For example, I could feel a tingle in the back of my right thigh. Instantly I could tell that meant that there was a predator in the streets bellow who was planning on raping a young mare tonight. I hopped up from my sitting position, walked to the door, and stuck my head out. “Hey, can someone get me a line to Ridealong? I have a tip that might save a mare’s life.” I stuck my head back in and smiled, prancing my hooves a little in anticipation.
With just a little jump I landed in my swivel chair, rolling across the floor a half-yard. I grinned, turning on my brand firkin new MoM issued computer and began to type. You will not believe how hard it is to use a ‘regular’ keyboard when you’re an earth pony. Most resort to typing with their tongue like they do with writing. I had the power and money to get one of the line of keyboards preferred by Apple bloom and her earth pony programmers, which consisted of only two keys. A combination of those and I could type any letter by pressing buttons a few times.
When my phone began to ring I kicked my hind hoof into the desk, causing the phone to fly through the air and land directly on my shoulder where I caught it with my head. “Talk to me!” I said, grinning as I continued to write down ever advanced sensation I experienced so that I could parse them later. “Yeah, I found out there’s a rapist pony who’s planning on being awful tonight, think you could pick him up on a hunch? Just call it sedition or some nonsense. What? No, I’m not relying on useless information, just pick the buck up. Yeah, an earth pony, kind of bald, name of Pickpocket. Thanks.”
Of course, I said most of that without bothering to listen to the other pony. I knew what they were going to say, and I just avoided the actual conversation. I was to busy describing in detail a particularly itchy sensation in a… private place. Of course, it could be a normal sensation, but I was required by ministry codes to describe its location and sensation. I can’t say it was particularly comfortable, but that’s what you must deal with when your trying to predict the immediate and relevant future.
Once my daily duties were done, I was able to get up, still fantastically riding the high of PTMs. I may have been the head of the Bucklyn Morale office, but that didn’t mean I had to answer for shit. I decided that I should go out for a walk, because suddenly my stomach was craving delicious fried food. I slammed my office door open, hearing thousands of hooves and horns tapping away at their keyboards. With a grin and a tip of my hat I jumped from desk to desk, avoiding all seven ponies who were waiting for me to take care of some menial responsibilities.
On an odd hunch I jumped over the bar and poured myself a straight whiskey, mixing a couple free drinks for the ponies in the club. What care could I possibly have, it’s not like pinkie would ever penalize me for that kind of behavior. I ran down the stairs, into the train station, and took the subway two stops past my house. There was this delicious food called doubles that some of the Island Zebra immigrants loved to serve, and I simply had to have some at that exact moment.
When I got to the stop a simile filled my muzzle and I walked right into one of the fare taker booths. For a reason I couldn’t discern I pulled a switch, which I knew would in the next five minutes alert ponies with spots in stables to get their asses in them. I then walked away tipping my hat at the startled pony who had been manning the controls of the gates and threw her one of the Subway’s own tokens and gestured behind me at the stopped subway. “Your probably do better if you get on that.” I said, and then continued before he could get a chance to respond to me. “Don’t worry, this is under the orders of the Ministry of Morale.” I flipped a badge open to show to the startled train pony, while ascending the stairs to get my delicious treat.
After purchasing my prize, a delicious warm meal of chickpeas wrapped in fried dough, I turned around and watched as several ponies began to see their stable broadcasters go off. That would start a panic soon enough, but somehow, I knew it was still the right thing to do. With a shrug I walked away from the train station into one of the worse neighborhoods nearby.
In most towns this type of neighborhood wouldn’t have many be running to the stables, but Bucklyn Zebratown was well-known to many as a cultural hub. For some reason Stabletech had insisted to build a stable right here in this part of the city to provide housing to the unfortunate immigrants. Unlike many Zebra ghettos, Bucklyn Zebratown was filled with new immigrants, refugees who were escaping violence in the eastern battles of the war.
An itch in the back of my neck told me to turn left into a dark alleyway. There was just the zebra I was looking for, a mare who I’d been ‘investigating’ for a couple of months. I knew she was the point of contact the Calzone family had with several illegal Zebra importers, and I had been considering trying to buy directly from her as the MoM. However, what I needed now was slightly different.
I bucked my way through the wooden slats on the back door to the warehouse behind which the ally snaked its way. Several ponies, or rather zebra, should have been right there and waiting for me, but due to the mega spell warning many of them had been called into the stable. The rest, it seemed, had run to go to their families. It didn’t matter to me, because all I had to do was open a locker on the far side of the office that sat directly next to my entrance.
In the office was the Zebra, known only to the MoM as Xss. She jumped up with a firearm in her muzzle, apparently yelling at me to get down. Fuck that noise. I slammed my forehoof into her cheek causing one shot to go off into the ceiling of the small prefab structure. I than grabbed her gun in my own mouth, pressed her against the wall and… cold-cocked her instead of shooting her. I tossed the gun aside, because what I wanted was behind the zebra mare, a blue painted metal cabinet.
Normally I’d have had to pick the lock, but Xss had a key, and I slipped it out of her tail with a hoof-touch. Opening the cabinet there were large piles of contraband. Everything from some odd zebra fetishes, to firearms, to drugs. All I really wanted were the drugs, slipping my mouth in and first downing a couple more PTMs that she had lying there. I then took out an unlabeled bottle of pills and took a couple. For some reason that I couldn’t determine I popped one in Xss’ mouth as well and left the mess.
With that done I ran back to the subway station. It wasn’t much, but I knew that this station had been partially constructed by stabletech because a stable only a hundred feet away in the subway tunnel. I went back into the little office I had only been in about an hour before and slammed my hoof on a red phone hoofset to make it land on my shoulder. I entered in the MoM Manehatten hub direct line number, as well as my security code, and waited to be patched through. However, all I got was a line busy sound, apparently Pinkie was taking a call at the moment.
I was about to try again when I heard an Equestria-shattering Kaboom. That was the last thing I could remember before being nocked out.
